Mothers
by Christopher Andrews
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Even if you wanted to pay me for doing this, I wouldn't
let you. This is all purely for fun. I don't own any of the
characters except those I create myself, which is only like two or 3
characters or something. Everyone else belongs to Joss and company.
Feedback: Since I don't write this for money, I gotta write it for
feedback. Help me out by giving me all the feedback I can handle...
please?
CHAPTER 1: The Girl In Question
Buffy's POV
I sit here, staring down at it.
It's so small, and yet so incredibly big, so important, so vital...
I reach down and pick up the small black box, looking closer at what's inside.
It means so much for something so little. I've tried so many times to throw it away, give it away, or even sell it. But every time I try, something stops me. Because of what it means... because of who it's from, Dawn. She's been gone for months, and I still cry some nights. I still see her face as she lay limp on the rocks when I close my eyes. I still feel the fear run through me as I check for a pulse but don't find one. But worst of all I remember feeling absolutely sick as the love of my life called my name. I didn't know why I felt sick at the time, and knowing now makes it even worse.
I ran into her arms, despite the limp in my step, and held her close as I felt my tears coming. If I had known then what I was about to learn I never would've sought comfort from her. I never would've let myself cry in front of her, and let her cry with me. I would've asked her what happened, like I did when I finally managed to stop crying. I looked into her eyes and asked. I thought that losing Dawn would be the absolute worst feeling I could ever feel, but when I heard those three words from her while she looked at Dawn, I knew that it was so much worse.
`I pushed her.'
I couldn't believe what she said. I still don't believe it, even though I know it's true. She pushed her off the end of the tower. She pushed our daughter off the tower and killed her. She killed Dawn. Faith murdered our daughter.
I put the little black box down on the bed and bury my face in my knees, not wanting to look at it, or what's inside.
I hated her for that. I still hate her for that. If the broken sword hadn't still been in my foot to keep the bleeding down I probably would've killed her right then and there. Instead I told her that if she isn't gone the next time I turn around I'd kill her. And if she wasn't out of town before my foot was healed, then the next time I saw her face, I'd kill her then. I walked back over to Dawn's body, tears clouding my eyes again. I sat down beside her on the pile of rocks, held her hand, caressed her cheek, and told her I was sorry, and then I turned around and Faith was gone.
Looking back on that moment, I'm glad she was gone when I turned around. I'm not a killer, not like she is, but I would gladly become one if it meant avenging what happened to Dawn. What she did to Dawn. I'm thankful that she didn't try to reason with me any more than she did, because that would've made me do it.
There is no reason for what she's done. There is no explanation that would make what she did to Dawn all right. Faith murdered the only person I wanted to protect more than Faith herself. There is no forgiveness for that. There is no going back from that. No matter how much I might've loved her, I can't forget what Faith has done.
I haven't seen her since that day or at least been physically seen by me anyway. She has been around though... I think. I felt her somewhere nearby, at the funeral, I'm pretty sure. I may not have seen her, but she was there. I didn't go after her either it wasn't the time or the place. I had my mother to think of too. I had to be there for my mother in her time of need... in our time of need. Dawn was her daughter too, not just mine.
I pick up the box and try to throw it across my room, knowing instantly that I can't do it. I open the box and look inside, before closing it and putting it back in the drawer of my nightstand.
I would've postponed the funeral for her. I would've postponed it indefinitely until she felt better if I had to, but she wouldn't let me. Mom insisted we have the funeral as soon as arrangements could be made. And that she would be there even if the world ended. But the world didn't end, and she was there, all dressed in black and sitting in the hospital wheelchair.
I couldn't help but hold her hand and cry as they closed the casket after the service and lowered her body into her grave. She got a little weak during the service and I took her home right after, trying to convince her that this was the reason we should've postponed it. But she said the important thing is that she was there and we made it through it, now we can do our best to move on. She's my mother, I could never argue with her.
I don't know how to move on though. It's been six months since the funeral and I don't think there was a single day that I haven't thought of Dawn. I haven't gone a day without thinking of the sweet innocent soul that's been lost. She died so young. I can't stand knowing I'm never going to see her again. I'm never going to hold her again. I'll never see her eyes light up on Christmas morning when I give her that present she's been bugging me for since June. I'll never see that cute little face smile at me right before she pokes me with her fork at dinner. I'll never have any of those things... because of her.
”You were looking at it again weren't you?”
I look up at my mom standing in my doorway.
“What's that?”
“Just now, you were looking at it.”
She's not supposed to be out of bed.
I get up and go over to her.
“You're supposed to be resting.”
I take her arm and put it over my shoulder, leading her back towards her room.
“I'm fine sweetie.”
“You're not fine Mom. The doctors said you weren't completely healed yet. And they said the heart disease you still have from before the broken rib Glory gave you isn't helping.”
We pass by Dawn's room and my mom catches me staring at the door.
“I'm all right Buffy really I am. I've been feeling a lot better these past few days.”
We make it into her room and I get her to sit down on her bed.
“That's what you said the last time you felt stronger. Then you went and did a whole bunch of stuff around the house and got really tired so you felt really bad the next day. We can't take the chance that it'll happen again. You need to rest.”
She looks up at me and smiles, taking my hands in hers.
“I appreciate how much you're doing to help sweetheart.”
I fall to my knees till we're kinda at eye level.
“You're my mother, how could I not want what's best for you?”
She smiles again before reaching out and tucking the hair back behind my ears.
“I know that, and I know that Dawn would feel the same way about you.”
I look away as I feel tears in my eyes.
“That she still feels that way.”
I don't say anything. I just sit at my mother's feet and try not to cry.
“You were looking at it again weren't you?”
I bite my bottom lip to keep back the tears.
“Yes...”
She turns my head back to look at her.
“Buffy, I gave it to you so you could remember her. So you could feel connected to her, and have a symbol of what it was that Dawn wanted most. You shouldn't feel bad about wanting to love her.”
“I don't, I just... I miss her.”
“Of course you do honey, we all do. Dawn was a very special girl and we love her very much. All of us love her and she loves us, most of all the both of you. That little memento is a testament to how much she loved you both.”
“I know...”
There's a long silent pause and I look at my mother's frail hands in mine.
“You still love her don't you?”
I look up and my mother wipes the tear from my cheek.
“Of course I still love her. Dawn wasn't just my sister. She was my daughter... our daughter.”
My mom looks into my eyes for a silent moment.
“I wasn't talking about Dawn...”
I don't know what to say for a second as my eyes stay locked on my mother's.
“She killed Dawn...”
I stand up, not wanting to look my mother in the face.
“It doesn't matter whether I love her or not, she killed Dawn.”
I turn away and grab my hair.
“She killed her own daughter, and there isn't a thing in this world that could make me forgive her for that.”
I turn back to my mother.
“There just isn't...”
“Love isn't always about forgiveness Buffy.”
“I don't love Faith, not anymore.”
Mom just looks at me with sympathy.
“Look I, I think there's still dishes in the sink. I'm gonna go put them away.”
I move to the door.
“If you need anything you don't have to get up you can just ring the bell okay?”
“Sure...”
I leave my mother in her room to rest and go downstairs to do the dishes.
Faith's POV
I sit here, staring down at it.
I should just do it already. Stop waiting, stop thinking about it and just do it. It's not like it matters. It's not like it'll happen any different than any time before.
I pick up the handset on the cordless phone and turn it on. I turn it off and put it back down on the bed.
She's just gonna hang up again, or yell at me again and then hang up. I've tried talking to her, I've tried over and over again but she won't listen. She won't let me explain. Not that I can explain, there's nothing really I can say. I killed Dawn. I killed her to save the world, but I still killed her. There isn't much else I can say. Except that I love Dawn... and Buffy too. Neither of which B wants to hear. Not that I expect her to listen.
I expected her to be angry with me. I expected her yell and scream and say things she didn't mean. Dawn was our daughter, if I were in her shoes I probably would've reacted the same way at first. But what I didn't expect is for it to divide us this long. I knew it would tear us apart, I knew it hurt us both deep down in our hearts. But I was hoping that at some point she would let me plead my case, that I could help her to understand why I did it. I was hoping that at some point we could grieve together, that we could take comfort in each other.
Dawn was our daughter. When I killed her it was like ripping out my heart, like my soul was torn in two. I was hoping that sooner or later, Buffy would realize that I didn't do what I did because I wanted to, but because I had to, to save the world. I had no other choice.
I pick up the phone and stare down at the numbers. I put the phone back in the charger beside the bed and lie back, staring at the ceiling to my room in Angel's hotel.
I haven't called her in 2 months. I haven't seen her in five. Not since the funeral where I stood on top of a crypt and watched the funeral from a far. I stood and watched the funeral of my daughter. I cried the whole way through. I wanted to go to B when she started crying. I wanted to cry with her and hold her until we both could bare the pain, but I didn't.
My eyes drift to the phone again.
There's no reason to call her, I know what the response is gonna be. And besides, Angel called a couple days ago. He calls every couple of weeks mostly, to get and update from Giles. Apparently he's been calling on and off ever since he left Sunnydale after graduation. He's made a habit of calling on a regular basis since I came here.
She's all right, at least physically anyway. Emotionally she's falling apart because of her mom. I hope Joyce will be all right. I don't know what B's gonna do if something happens to her. I don't know what I'm gonna do either. Joyce has been like a mother to me ever since I met her. She's offered me nothing but kindness and generosity since that moment and helped me so much in teaching me to be a truly good person like she is. I want to be there for them now, but I know Buffy would never willingly accept my help. Not with what I did.
The door to my room opens after a quick knock. I look up as Cordy makes her way in.
“Hey...”
“What's up Cordy?”
“Nothing, I was just coming to see how you are. You've been up here alone for a couple hours.”
I look over at the phone on its holster for a second.
“I was just thinking...”
Cordy looks at the phone too before smiling that sympathetic smile of hers, sitting on the edge of the bed.
She's changed a lot since I was here last, no memory and all. But who could blame her with everything she, Angel and the rest of the gang have been through with Darla and Connor and Holtz and all that.
“Thinking about her again were you?”
“Pretty much...”
“Did you call her again?”
I pull my knees up and rest my chin there.
“I don't really see the point, do you? I already know what'll happen if I do.”
Cordy moves off the edge and sits a little further into the bed.
“Doesn't make you want to call her any less does it?”
I take a deep breath.
“Nope...”
“So why not call her?”
“Cause getting yelled at for saving the world isn't really something I want to do... again.”
“Faith, you know all of us here understand what you did. We know that you did what you did because you had to save the world, not because you wanted to. I had to make a choice between meeting Angel and falling in love, or moving on to a higher purpose with the high and mighties. I chose what was best for the world. You did the same. Sooner or later, Buffy will have to understand that.”
“Maybe she will, maybe she won't. But constantly calling her isn't helping the situation. I just gotta let things be.”
Cordy doesn't say anything to that. She just sits with me in silence.
“So, how's the memory?”
“It's pretty good Faith. Things are still a little fuzzy, but for the most part I'm all back in my head.”
“You remember everything about being a higher being?”
“Almost everything, like I said, some stuff is still a little fuzzy. You know the best part about having no memory though? You learn to appreciate what your memories really mean.”
I kinda smile at her.
“Don't I know it...?”
“Right, cause of... I think between the two of us we've cornered the market on higher power induced amnesia.”
We both smile a bit.
She's just trying to cheer me up.
“How's the kid?”
“Connor? He's doing okay, you really gave him an ass kicking but he heals fast.”
“It's probably in his genes.”
“Yeah, but don't worry... I'm taking good care of him.”
“All right...”
I turn my head a bit, looking at the phone.
“If you want to call her so bad, just call her.”
“No, as long as Joyce is doing okay there's no reason to.”
“Except Buffy...”
“Yeah, look, I don't feel like talking about this.”
I get up and Cordy does the same.
“Let's go down and see if Angel has a case for us.”
“If that's what you want.”
I start walking toward the door, putting my arm around Cordy and leading her out of my room. I take one last look at the phone before leaving.
“It really is.”
CHAPTER 2: Worry
Buffy's POV
I take a bite of my sandwich, my eyes never leaving my mom as I sit with her on her bed. I watch her take her first bite of her own, waiting for her reaction.
“Is it good?”
She smiles at me.
“It's fine Buffy...”
“Really?”
“Yes Buffy it's a sandwich.”
“Okay, I was just worried. I never could get any of the recipes you taught me right.”
“It's baloney with mustard honey, not turkey and stuffing.”
“Okay...”
I take another bite.
“You know, you don't have to do absolutely everything around the house. I could help.”
I put my sandwich down.
“Mom we talked about this, you're not completely healthy yet. We can't take the chance that something would happen.”
She takes a deep breath and smiles.
“I know you're worried about me Buffy, and I appreciate it. But I'm not going to die, I'll be fine.”
“We don't know that. Anything could happen to you, and not just health-wise. You could feel weak and knock something over. You could be seriously hurt that way.”
“Knocking something over was a risk when I didn't have heart problems sweetie.”
“Still, I like it better when you're up here, where almost nothing can hurt you. Except maybe the lamp, you know maybe we should get one of those ceiling lights so there's no danger there.”
Mom puts her sandwich down and takes my hand gently.
“Buffy... it's just a lamp. It's not a demon. You don't need to stop it from hurting me.”
I grip my mother's hand a little and take a deep breath.
“I know I'm just so worried about what the doctors are going to say tomorrow, I'm sorry.”
“There's nothing to be sorry about Buffy, and there's nothing to worry about either. I've been taking the medication under your watchful eye just like the doctors asked, and I've been getting stronger every day. There's no reason to believe that they have anything but good news.”
“I guess...”
“It's all gonna be okay honey.”
“That's what I, thought... before...”
Dawn...
Mom pulls me to her and holds me close.
“Everything will be all right Buffy, I promise.”
“I can't loose you too.”
I bury my face in my mom's shoulder.
“You're not going to loose me.”
“I've lost so much already.”
“I know sweetie, I know.”
She tenses up suddenly and immediately I let go.
“Mom?”
She grabs her side.
“Mom, are you all right?”
After a second she answers.
“Yes... I'm fine.”
She doesn't seem fine.
I reach for the phone.
“I'm calling an ambulance.”
Mom's hand grabs my wrist to stop me.
“It's all right Buffy. You just, hugged me a little too hard, that's all.”
It's not all right.
“You need a doctor.”
“Then it's a good thing I'm going to a hospital tomorrow for a check up isn't it? They can check me out then.”
“Mom...”
“Look, Buffy...”
She takes an extra deep breath to show me she's okay, not that I believe it.
“Everything is fine, it can wait till tomorrow.”
I just look at her silently for a minute.
“Okay... but I'm spending the night on the floor again.”
“Buffy...”
“No, I'm sleeping here tonight. I'm going to be here if you need anything. And I'll make sure the doctors check anything and everything twice.”
Mom gives me that sympathetic smile of hers.
“All right...”
I pick up my sandwich and take a bite. I keep my eyes on my mother as I start to chew.
I have to make sure the doctors make her better. She has to get better.
Faith's POV
I walk up the steps to the hotel and go inside, not really listening to the conversation Angel, Gunn and Cordy are having around me.
“I still don't understand what you were doing there Cordy.”
“I told you, I had a vision and went to investigate.”
“Yeah but that was a bad move going there on your own. You could've called us and let us know what was up.”
I wave at Fred and Lorne behind the counter before jumping on the lobby couch and crashing out.
“If I hadn't gone there when I had my vision they would've left and ritually murdered that family and gotten even stronger.”
“You could've called us, we were on our way anyway as part of the case.”
“Well then maybe you should've waited around here till I had the vision.”
My eyes drift toward the phones sitting on the front desk. I'm suddenly very interested in the conversation.
“Look, guys the important thing is that everything worked out.”
I stand up and walk over to where Cordy is.
“Cordy is right.”
She smiles at me.
“Thank you Faith.”
“If she wants to go and get herself killed, I say we don't stop her.”
Her smile disappears.
“But she's not dead so everything is fine. Let's not dwell on it okay?”
Angel, Gunn, Fred and Lorne are all quiet for a moment.
“Sure...”
“Okay...”
Cordy's smile returns at Angel and Gunn's acknowledgements.
“Thanks.”
I kinda smile back as I go back to the couch and crash again. Cordy goes over to Fred and Lorne at the desk and my eyes slowly drift back to the phones near them.
“So... any clients while we were gone?”
CHAPTER 3: Break
Buffy's POV
I hold my mother's hand as the doctor examines her.
I don't like the way he keeps looking at her. Every time he checks her ribs, his face scrunches up like he doesn't like what he's feeling. He doesn't say anything about it but I just know something is wrong.
“Hmm...”
Hmm?
“There's a hmm? What kind of hmm? Why are you saying hmm?”
My mom and the doctor look at me.
“I was simply thinking Ms. Summers.”
“Thinking about what? What's there to think about? Did you find something?”
The doctor moves back from examining my mother.
“No, your mother appears to be just fine. It doesn't look as though any bones have been broken or cracked and there's no indication of physical injury, fatal or otherwise.”
I let out a breath of relief.
“Are you sure?”
“Very sure Ms. Summers. You can rest assured that your mother has no physical injuries.”
The doctor glances at Mom for a second and she returns it.
What's going on?
“However, we would like to have your mother stay with us for a few days to run some tests.”
Tests?
“What kind of tests?”
Why is Mom just sitting there listening? Shouldn't she be wondering what kind of tests?
“There's simply a series of tests we would like to run in order to better understand what progress your mother has made in her recovery.”
Progress?
“Well, I mean, it's like we were saying before. She's been feeling a lot stronger lately. Doesn't that mean she's getting better?”
“Yes it does, however her progress has been slightly slower than we predicted with the treatment we've provided and we think these tests will help us find out why.”
“Oh...”
I look at my mother.
She's not doing so good?
“It would also give you some time for yourself as well.”
Myself?
“I'm sorry?”
“Your mother tells me you have been tending to her 24 hours a day since she got sick.”
“Your point being?”
Mom jumps in.
“You've been working non-stop to take care of me, and while I love you for everything you're doing, as your mother I can't let you continue like this.”
I look between my mother and the doctor.
“So are you really having tests done, or are you just checking in so I don't have to take care of you?”
“Both...”
“Mom, I don't mind taking care of you, you know that.”
“I know, and like I said I appreciate what you do, but I'm going to be here for at least a few days. Take some time for yourself. Do some training with Rupert. Get Xander and Anya to take you somewhere fun. Just please don't spend the whole time here with me.”
I look down at my feet and take a deep breath.
“If not for your mother then for yourself…”
They aren't going to let this go.
“All right... okay, I'll go do something outside 30 feet of you.”
My mom looks to the doctor and they smile at each other.
“Thank you Buffy.”
She squeezes my hand weakly and I smile at her.
“You can take my cell phone with you if you need to check in. But please Buffy, try and have some fun.”
I take another deep breath.
“I'll try...”
I turn my attention to the doctor.
“What about the tests?”
“I'll have the blood drawn tonight and tests will start first thing tomorrow.”
“See Buffy, everything is under control. You can relax.”
“Mhmm, looks like... you don't need me anymore.”
“I should give you two some time alone.”
Mom looks at the doctor as he leaves.
“Thank you doctor.”
“You're welcome. Page me if you need anything.”
“I will...”
She turns back to me when he's gone.
“I'm not trying to replace you Buffy. And god knows I still need you to help me through this, but you're a young, vibrant woman. You shouldn't spend all your time looking after me.”
“I already said I`d go out and do something.”
I just don't know what I'd do.
CHAPTER 4: Stray Memories
Author's Notes: The song lyrics in this chapter are a reference to chapter 99 of Forgotten Conscience. The song "I'm With You" by Avril Lavigne was in that chapter as well. I don't own the lyrics to the song, nor do I make any money by putting the lyrics in the story. I'm just using them for story purposes, she can have them back after. :)
Buffy's POV
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm sitting here at a table in the Bronze, waiting for Xander to come back from the bar with a pair of drinks and I don't know what to do with myself. He kinda insisted we come here tonight when I called him. I didn't really feel like objecting. It's the only place worth going in this town. We could go to the movies but all they ever play is sappy romance movies.
I can't stand those movies anymore. They're all about falling in love and happily ever after and all that. They don't show the ever after part where things take a bad turn and one of them dies or any of that stuff, except in tragic love stories, which they never play. This town has so much tragedy they only want to see happily ever after in their movies. So rather than sit through any of that we came here, which is only slightly better because I can get drunk.
I look over the crowd to see if he's coming back.
I don't see him. Not that Xander will let me get drunk. I think he still feels bad for the whole cave-slayer thing. Or maybe my mom told him not to let me. Either way he'd probably stop me if I went and ordered myself 5 or 6 drinks, or a pitcher of beer or something.
I lean back in my seat and watch the band.
They're not bad. We've been here a few minutes at least and I haven't heard a single love song. I was worried there'd be nothing but love songs and I'd have to start slaying the band. I like love songs about as much as romantic comedies.
Someone sets a drink down in front of me and I look up to see Xander over me before he sits down with me.
“Thanks.”
“No problem Buff, I could buy a whole round for the house if I wanted.”
A couple people from surrounding tables look at us.
“But I won't...”
The spectators go back to their own lives, some disappointed. I pick up the drink he got me and stare into the glass a bit.
“So things are still going well, with the construction stuff?”
“Yeah it is. I really think it's what I was meant to do. It just sorta seems to come naturally to me, like slaying does for you.”
“That's great Xander, I'm happy for you. And things between you and Anya are still going strong?”
I take a sip of my drink.
“For the most part yeah, we have our rough spots from time to time because of the whole ex-demon thing, but it's not like it is with...”
I look at him as I'm about to take another sip.
“... um, other, people that I know...”
I take an extra big sip before responding.
“Mhmm...”
There's an uncomfortable silence between us, despite the music and dancing all around.
“What about you? How's your mom?”
“She's feeling a lot better, but the doctor says she should be getting better faster than she is. So now I'm even more worried about her than before.”
“What does your mom say?”
I kinda laugh at the question.
“She says I should go out and enjoy my life.”
He smiles sympathetically at me.
I seem to be getting that smile from everyone lately.
“Buffy, you know what I mean.”
I down the rest of my alcoholic drink in one gulp as he takes his first sip of whatever he ordered. I let out a deep breath as I set my empty glass down.
“She keeps telling me she's okay and that everything is gonna work out but I just... I can't seem to believe it. I can't stop wondering when the next horrible thing is gonna happen that's gonna make my life even worse than it already is.”
“Your life isn't horrible Buffy. I mean sure it's not all sunshine and happy puppies in Buffy city right now but you know it can't rain all the time, sooner later it's gotta let up. Things will get better, don't worry.”
“That's what my mom keeps saying, only with fewer words.”
He smiles at me and I smile back before looking down at the empty glass in front of me. The lead singer speaks to the crowd at the end of their song.
“We're gonna take a little break, back in a few.”
“Well you should listen to her then, after all they always say, mother knows best.”
I pick up the drink formerly filled with alcohol that hasn't made me drunk yet. The sound system comes to life and a song that feels kinda familiar comes on. The singer starts singing.
“I'm standing on the bridge...”
I grip the glass tight as the memory of where I know this song comes back.
“I'm waiting in the dark...”
I can't help looking towards the nearest door and some brunette walks through.
“I thought that you'd be here, by now...”
She looks around and is met by some blonde girl who all but jumps into the brunette's arms. The glass in my hand starts to crack.
“Buff...?”
“There's nothing but the rain...”
Then the blonde kisses the brunette and the image of Faith smiling pops into my head.
“No footsteps on the ground...”
The glass shatters in my hand.
“I'm listening but there's, no sound...”
Xander jumps from his seat and comes over to me. The chorus strikes up and I can only think one thing as I see the two girls walk into the club arm in arm.
“Fucking bitch...”
I close my eyes to stop watching them and I'm about to drop my head in my hands when Xander stops me.
“Whoa, hey, you've got glass in your hand girl.”
I open my eyes and look at the broken pieces left over from the glass I'd been drinking.
“Oh uh, thanks Xand...”
I drop the big pieces on the table gently and dust my hands off of any smaller shards.
“You okay?”
I look at my hands, no cuts. I show him my hands.
“Yeah, I don't think any fingers are sliced up.”
He goes and sits back at his seat.
“It wasn't your hands I was worried about.”
Everyone is so worried about me.
“I'm fine, okay? I just, I saw something that...”
I don't finish the sentence.
“Made you feel like crushing glass with your bare hands?”
I take a deep breath and look down at the glass on the table.
“It was just, what I saw, reminded me of...”
Again I stop short of finishing.
“Faith...”
I look up at him with a questioning look.
“The words `fucking bitch' kinda gave it away.”
“Oh... well she makes me angry.”
He looks down at the glass on the table.
“And I can understand why. I'm just worried that while you're busy being angry at Faith...”
His eyes drift over the table and the broken glass on it.
“You might get hurt.”
I sit back from the table and take another deep breath.
“I'm okay, really.”
I punch myself in the shoulder with the side of my fist.
“Slayer here, I can take a lot.”
We just look at each other for a few seconds before he speaks.
“All right...”
I need another drink.
“You know, I'm gonna go see if I can get someone to clean this up for us. Maybe get another drink.”
“Good idea, I hear broken glass is bad for the digestion.”
I smile at him as I get up and head for the bar. I make my way to the bar just as that god damn song ends.
Thank god...
The next song is some rock song I don't recognize. I lean against the bar a bit and wait for the bartender to come this way. I'm there a few seconds and the brunette walks up to it next to me. She waves for the bartender to come over and he ignores her. She lets out a huff when she sees he's not coming. We stand there without speaking for a while. Then, out of the blue she holds out her hand to me.
“Hi, I'm Fay.”
I look at her hand, then up at her and attempt to smile before staring at the bar table.
“I'm Buffy.”
It takes her a few seconds but she pulls her hand back.
“Nice to meet you...”
I don't respond. I look at the bartender across the bar, still busy with two or three customers.
God I could really use that drink.
After a few more silent moments, she continues to annoy me.
“So do you come here often?”
“Often enough...”
“I just started coming here with my girl a month or two ago. We actually met here, so we try to come back as often as possible.”
Something about the things she's saying makes me clench my fist.
Why the hell is the bartender taking so long?
“That's great...”
“Yeah, she's here with me tonight. We're celebrating our two month anniversary.”
I squeeze my fists even tighter to keep from telling her off.
“Congrats...”
“Thank you...”
She actually shuts up and gives me a few moments to myself while we wait.
“What about you?”
I look up at her and fight the urge to push her and tell her to get the hell away from me.
“Are you here with anyone?”
“A friend...”
“So you're not on a date?”
I've known this chick for all of five minutes and she wants to know if I'm dating anyone?
“No, I'm just here for the alcohol.”
“Oh... bad break up?”
I look at her and just can't keep from glaring at her.
“Understatement of the year...”
“Well, drinking yourself into a hangover isn't gonna help. Why don't you and your friend join me and B at our table?”
I grip the edge of the bar and I think I'm gonna break a piece off.
If the bartender doesn't get here soon he may need to bring an ice pack.
“B?”
“Bonnie, my girl, I like to call her B, it's a thing. So you wanna invite your friend over?”
“Thanks, but no thanks.”
Okay, the bartender obviously isn't coming. I'm going back to my table.
I move away from the bar and start back, she follows.
“Come on, it'll be fun.”
“I said no thanks...”
I squeeze my fists together and turn to tell her off, only to be interrupted by some blonde wrapping her arm around Fay's waist.
“Hey baby, what's going on?”
Fay looks at me and then at her girl.
“Oh nothing B, I was just talking to my new friend Buffy.”
They kiss and I feel like throwing up.
“I was trying to convince her to join us with her friend.”
“Oh that's nice...”
“She turned me down.”
“Why would anyone turn down such a hot chick?”
God I hate people in love.
I turn and start going back to my table.
“Hey Buffy, wait...”
A hand grabs my shoulder and I just snap. I spin around, my fist raised, connecting with the girl's face and sending her to the floor, Bonnie all but screams as she rushes to Fay's side.
“OH MY GOD!”
I stop dead, my fist frozen at the end of its swing, Bonnie looks up at me.
Oh god, what did I just do?
“What the hell did you do?”
She starts checking Fay over and that need to throw up comes back.
“Fay? Baby? Baby talk to me...”
I take a step back and put my hand on my forehead.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Xander comes to see what the commotion is.
“Hey Buffy, what's going on?”
Fay starts to move and I let out a sigh of relief in knowing that I didn't kill her.
“I hit her...”
He looks at me a little shocked and then moves close, whispering.
“Vampire...?”
I just shake my head, never taking my eyes off Fay on the floor as she starts to wake up.
“Then why...?”
Fay sits up and Xander looks at the young brunette girl, it dawns on him.
“Oh...”
Fay looks up at me, disoriented, and all I can think to say is...
“I'm sorry...”
She just looks away from me. Bonnie speaks for her.
“She was just trying to be friendly. You didn't have to punch her lights out.”
I run my fingers through my hair, trying not to panic.
“I know I'm... I'm sorry I just, she reminds me of, someone I don't like very much and...”
“And that gives you the right to just punch me in the face?”
God, how could I do that?
Xander jumps in before I can say anything.
“No, it doesn't and like she said, she's really sorry about the punching. It won't happen again because we're actually gonna call it a night.”
He puts his arm around my shoulders and kinda turns around to leave. I turn too but as we leave I turn back one last time.
“I'm really sorry.”
And then we turn and leave.
What the hell is wrong with me?
CHAPTER 5: Crossroaded
Author's Notes: Be sure and enjoy this or I'll leave and never come back :D Just kidding. I want to thank everyone who's given me feedback about the story so far and I look forward to more. :)
Buffy's POV
Xander pulls up to my house and into the driveway, turning the engine off as he comes to a stop.
“Are you sure you don't want to rent a movie? I don't mind picking one up.”
I take a long breath and then smile at him.
“No, thank you for the offer Xand, but after what happened at The Bronze I think it's best if I just spend some time alone, maybe take a bath.”
“Okay, but I'm probably gonna rent a few for Anya and I anyway. So if you change your mind...”
“Thanks, but we've seen what happens when I get around happy couples. Maybe some other time though.”
“All right...”
I take another deep breath.
“Thank you for a nice evening.”
I open the door and start to get out.
“Hey...”
I stop and look at him, one foot out the door.
“Things will get better Buff.”
I just smile and nod before getting out, closing the car door behind me. I wave at him, backing away as he starts his car. I turn around and start walking to my house as his car pulls away and heads down the street. I look up at my house... my big, empty house. I walk up onto the porch and put my keys in the door, going inside. I close the door and just stand there, looking around.
This house used to be so full of life.
I look towards the living room, my eyes drift towards the couch and memories of making out with Faith on it pop into my head. I clench my fist and look up the stairs, starting up them.
Now it's a house of ghosts.
I trip on one of the top steps and fall onto the second floor. I stare down at the carpeted floor and the memory of the last time I was in this position comes back to me. I shift on the floor as the image of Faith under me makes my stomach turn. I get up quickly and walk away from the memory as fast as possible. I stop in the middle of the hallway and absently stare down it. I take a long deep breath and make my way to the bathroom. I look to the half open door to Dawn's room, avoiding my own and all I can see is Dawn's smiling face in my head. I feel like I wanna cry as I walk into the bathroom and try to block out everything but this room.
I go over to the tub and plug up the drain before turning on the cold and hot water till it's just right. I step back and watch the tub start to fill for a few seconds.
God I need a bath.
I grab the bottom of my shirt and pull it up over my head. I set my shirt down on the sink table and reach behind me to unhook my bra. I take my pants and panties off and set them down with the rest of my clothes. I sit on the edge of the tub and wait for the water to fill up a few more inches. I put my hand in the water and close my eyes to test it. Only seconds later I see Dawn's smiling face again. But this time she laughs and I know I want to cry. I turn off the water and put my hair up before getting in.
I let the water calm me as I lie down in the tub.
Oh, this feels so good. I shouldn't feel so good, not after everything that's happened. I don't deserve to feel this good, not with my mother in the hospital and my life so destroyed. I shouldn't feel this good.
I close my eyes to keep the tears back. I can't hold them back though as the memory of Dawn grabbing me and hugging me makes one tear escape. The warm water almost makes me feel like Dawn is actually here and I'm holding her, standing in her room... but she's not, and I'll never get to see or hold her ever again.
I'll never get to hold my daughter again, all because of her.
And then I can see HER face in my head as if she's lying on top of me. The look on her face is one of pure love and I swear I can hear her voice.
`I love you...'
I sit up and I can't hold them back, hugging my knees as I let the tears come.
“I'm sorry Dawnie...”
Faith's POV
Is she okay? God I hope she's all right.
I go back to pacing back and forth across the lobby of the Hyperion, waiting for some sort of news about Joyce.
Yesterday Giles called and said that Joyce had checked herself into the hospital for some tests, but he didn't know what kind of tests or why she had to be in the hospital to have them done. Ever since then all I can think is that something really bad must be going on. Joyce must have taken a turn for the worse or something and it's eating me up inside that I'm not there for her, and for Buffy.
So I just keep pacing back and forth in the hotel lobby, waiting for some sort of news about the people I love. The phone rings and I grab it, putting it to my ear.
“Hello, Giles?”
“Oh, um, this isn't Angel Investigations?”
“Uh, yeah, sorry, just one second...”
I hand the phone to Cordy and she sorta half glares at me for picking it up for the 7th time in a row while she was standing right next to the phone. I'm about to go back to pacing when Lorne interjects.
“Slayer-cakes, you gotta calm down. You're giving off a lot of nervous energy and it's making me twitchy. And since you slayers have a lot of energy, I could be twitching myself into a coma.”
I turn to Lorne.
“Sorry, I'm just...”
“Worried, I know. It's coming off you in huge waves. Maybe if you hummed a little tune I might be able to settle some of those nerves for you.”
I take a second to try and calm down. I start to hum without really thinking of a tune. I watch his face as he reads me and I'm not really sure what to think. First he looks really concerned, and then he sorta smiles, followed by concern again.
“Okay, okay, stop.”
I stop humming.
“So, what's my future hold Green Jeans?”
He takes a sip of the sea-breeze he poured a little while ago and a deep breath.
“You know, I really hate being all vague and mysterious when a person's path comes in so clearly like yours, but I'm going to have to.”
“What does that mean?”
“This rocky road you're on? It won't get any smoother for a while, in fact it'll get a little rockier before too long. But you'll get through it.”
He smiles and pats me on the arm and then turns and goes back toward the desk.
What?
“What about Joyce?”
He doesn't turn around as he speaks.
“Oh you'll be hearing from her soon...”
CHAPTER 6: Fear
Buffy's POV
This is bad. This is so very, very bad. Why isn't the doctor here yet? I've been trying like hell to do like my mom asked for the past few days. Avoiding people like the plague after that first night at The Bronze. And then I get a call from the doctor last night, asking me to come in this morning for the results of my mom's tests.
“He should be here by now.”
“I'm sure the doctor is just running a little late honey. He must have many different patients to take care of.”
I look down at my watch and then at Mom.
“He said 9 though, it's 9:15. When doctors are late they usually have bad news.”
“Buffy, you have to calm down. Doctor Gray will be here when he can, and for all we know he'll be telling us how we can improve my treatment.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
“I'm sorry, I'm just nervous.”
She just smiles sympathetically at me. Just then the doctor knocks on the door on his way in.
“Good morning ladies, how are you both?”
He's being too nice, we're getting bad news I just know it.
I watch him as he goes around my mom's hospital bed so he can speak to both of us.
“I'm feeling pretty good this morning doctor thank you.”
“That's definitely good to hear. And you Buffy?”
I look away from them both.
“I'm okay... I guess...”
They don't say anything for a few moments.
“I'm glad. Did you have a nice couple of days while your mother was here with us?”
My eyes meet Doctor Gray's.
“You mean did I enjoy myself while my mom was sick in the hospital?”
“Yes, well, I have news as you're already aware...”
“Good or bad?”
“Buffy let the man speak.”
“It's all right. We may have isolated the problem.”
They did?
I look at my mom and feel myself smile with hope before turning to him.
“What is it?”
“We believe it may be related to the injury you sustained some months ago.”
Injury? Oh...
“You mean when my mom broke her rib?”
“Yes, when it punctured her left ventricle artery it caused internal bleeding. Thankfully you happened to be in the hospital at the time and we were able to repair it before things got too severe.”
“But if you repaired the damage then how does it affect my current condition?”
“We don't believe the wound has healed properly. Due in large part to your pre-existing heart condition. Coronary artery disease reduces the distribution of oxygen and nutrients into the blood stream, which a wound requires in order to heal properly.”
Oh god...
“So what does that mean? Is she...? Is my mother, gonna...?”
I can't even say it.
I just let my head drop into my hands.
“No, we will do everything in our power to help her. There are a number of different treatments we can try, and there's always surgery as a last resort.”
Last resort?
Mom asks the question I was about to ask.
“Why is it a last resort?”
“Given your weakened condition I'm hesitant to attempt surgery but it is an option if the others don't work.”
Oh...
“What kind of treatment?”
“Mostly variations on the current drugs you've been taking, designed to increase the blood flow and the nutrients in it. I'm hoping that through the right combination we can help you heal a little better.”
But...
“What if it doesn't work?”
There's an eerie silence in the room and I know what the answer to my question is.
“I see...”
“But there's no reason to believe it won't work, is there doctor?”
“Quite right Joyce, you've been responding well to the medicine so far. It may simply be a matter of increasing the dosage.”
“But it might not.”
My mom and Doctor Gray look at me.
“Buffy, sweetheart...”
My mom, is gonna... God I can't deal with this.
“I, I need... something...”
I get up and move away from my mom as she tries to reach out to me.
“Something, to eat or um... something to drink, I think... maybe...”
“Well I could have one of the attendants bring you something if you like.”
“No I'll, I'll get it myself... but thanks... I'll be back in a m-minute Mom.”
“Okay...”
I turn and start out to the door. I don't hear my mom as I leave.
“I need to make a call.”
Faith's POV
I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm not sure how to feel about what Lorne said the other day. On the one hand he said bad things were coming without actually saying so, and on the other he said I'd be able to deal with the badness and get through it. I don't know whether to worry about what the badness might be or just accept that no matter what it is I'll be okay.
I readjust my position on the couch in the lobby.
I think what bothers me the most is that he didn't say anything about the people I care about. He didn't say anything about Xander or Anya or Giles, or worst of all Buffy. All he said was that I'd be hearing from Joyce soon, and I'm not even sure what he meant by that. Hear from her how? Why? She must hate me worse than Buffy does. Dawn was her daughter a lot longer than she was ours. And worse than that this is the second time she's had to go through losing a daughter. I might feel horrible that Dawn is dead, but what Joyce feels must feel like 100 times more than what I do.
I sit up on the couch and stare at the floor.
I don't see why Joyce would ever call me for anything.
Cordy picks up the phone as I'm about to lie back down.
“Faith?”
I look to Cordy and she holds the phone receiver out to me.
“It's for you...”
For me?
“It's Joyce.”
Joyce?
Angel and I look at each other.
“You can take it in my office.”
What the hell am I gonna say?
I get up and head towards Angel's office.
“Thanks...”
“She's on line 3.”
I smile at Cordy.
“Thanks Cor...”
I go into Angel's office and I suddenly have no idea what to do.
I know I have to answer the phone but I have no idea what's gonna happen when I do. Why would she need to talk to me? Is she all right? Is Buffy all right? Joyce means so much to me. She's the only one who's ever acted like a mother to me, and I killed her youngest daughter. I haven't spoken to her since it happened and I have no idea how she's gonna react when we speak. I guess there's only one way to find out.
I pick up the phone and press the button to use line three. I put the receiver to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Hello Faith...”
Well this is going well.
“Um, hi...”
There's a little pause of silence.
“How are you?”
How am I? She's asking how I am?
“Uh, okay, I guess... are you okay?”
She takes a deep breath.
“I'm okay, considering the circumstances. But then the circumstances aren't that great so I guess I'm not doing that good.”
“Oh...”
I really don't know what to say to that.
“So, you called?”
“Yes, I did. I need to ask you something. But it's not something I want to do over the phone. I need to speak to you face to face for this.”
Oh...
“Why?”
CHAPTER 7: Bad Expectations
Faith's POV
What am I gonna do? I know what I have to do. I have to go back to Sunnydale to see the only woman who's ever been anything close to a mother to me. The only real problem is Buffy. There's no telling how Buffy will react to seeing me again. With everything that's happened in the last little while, with Dawn, and now Joyce... she must be on overload. I just hope she'll hold together long enough for me to talk with Joyce.
I look down at the bag I packed by the bed.
If she can't then I'll just have to kick the crap out of her until she won't be able to stop me. Joyce might die if the treatment doesn't work and if her last wish is to see me then she'll get it. It doesn't matter if all she wants to do is yell at me for killing her daughter. It's her dying wish and I owe her enough to give it to her. I hope that's not her last wish. I hope the treatment works and she lives a long time. But I can't help thinking that Joyce wouldn't have asked to see me if there wasn't a real possibility that it might not. I hope she can make it through this.
There's a knock at my door.
“Yeah?”
He opens the door and comes in.
“Hey...”
“Hey Angel...”
“You all packed?”
I look down at my bag again and then back at Angel.
“Yeah I think so, it's not like I have a lot of stuff worth taking with me.”
He stops a few feet from the bed I'm sitting on and folds his arms across his chest.
“Well you know you could always think about changing that.”
I kinda smile at him.
“I really didn't have all that much time to pack. It was more just get out as quick as possible.”
“Well now you might have a chance to go back and get some of what you left behind.”
“Maybe, maybe not...”
He gets that look on his face that I never know how to describe. It's not a smile, and not a frown, the only thing close would be thoughtful. Except it never seems like he's thinking when he looks at me that way. He comes over and picks up my bag for me, being all chivalrous.
“Come on let's get you to the train station.”
Angel moves to the door and I get up and follow him out. We walk down the hall to the elevator at the end of it.
“Are you gonna be okay?”
I take a deep breath as we continue down the hallway.
“I guess... I'm a little unsure what to expect except resentment, anger and probably some violence. Which I'm all for, I never quite get enough violence here. There aren't enough cemeteries in L.A. You actually have to go looking for evil in this town instead of staring it in the face when you walk out the door in Sunny D.”
“Things are more complicated here, that's true. But things aren't exactly simple there either.”
I look at him and smile for a second as we stop at the elevator and I push the down button.
“No, they really aren't.”
The elevator opens up and I step inside, but Angel holds back. I look at him as the door starts to close and stop it.
“What about Buffy?”
I just stare at him for a minute and he stares right back with a warm look.
“What about her?”
“Well I seem to remember you saying that she threatened to kill you if she ever saw you again. You're not worried about that?”
“If it happens, it happens... I'm sure you'll hear from Giles or someone if it does. It won't though.”
I let go of the door and it starts to close so Angel grabs it.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, for two reasons. B doesn't have it in her to kill humans, and she and I both know that even if she did, she doesn't have the muscle to kill me. In the past two years I've killed the original demon, and a mightily pissed off hell god. She doesn't have a chance and she knows it.”
He gets in the elevator with me and we stand side by side as it starts its way down.
“Do you still love her?”
I turn my head his way and he just keeps staring ahead.
“Whatever we had, it's over now. If she wants to be enemies, I'm good with that. I'm going back for Joyce, not to kiss and make up.”
He actually looks at me.
“So you do still love her then.”
We just stare at each other for a moment as the elevator stops and the doors open.
“Do you?”
He gets this sorta sad smile on his face.
That's what I thought.
“You know as well as I do Angel, love isn't always enough.”
I walk out into the Hyperion lobby.
Buffy's POV
I can't stop crying. I don't know that I could stop crying even if I wanted to. My mom is probably gonna die. She's the only family I have left and she could be dying. Oh god my mom could die on me.
I wipe the tears off my cheeks, which are quickly replaced by new ones.
I don't want my mom to die, but there's nothing I can do to stop what's happening. I'm helpless to do anything about it except wait and see if she pulls through. I can't do this. I can't handle... everything. First Dawn, then Faith and now, my mom? When is it all gonna stop?
“Hello?”
Someone's here?
I look up at them through blurry eyes and I think they take a few steps back.
Who...?
I wipe the tears from my eyes with my sleeve and take another look at... oh.
“Hi...”
I hug my knees a little tighter, not sure what to do.
“Um, it's Fay right?”
“Yeah, you remembered...”
“Kinda hard to forget someone you randomly punched out. It's not something I like to do everyday.”
“Does that mean it's safe for me to be around you today?”
She really does look a lot like Faith.
I bury my face in myself, my forehead against my knees.
“I wouldn't say that.”
There's a long pause of silence. I just sit there in the hospital outdoor quiet zone, trying not to cry.
“Are you all right... Buffy?”
Another moment of silence passes.
“It is Buffy, isn't it?”
I rub the tears out of my eyes again and look at her.
“Uh, yeah it is and... I'm fine.”
“You don't look fine.”
I wipe the tears off my cheeks and run a hand through my hair.
“Really, I'm fine...”
I try for a smile but it doesn't last long and I start bawling again. She comes over and sits beside me on the bench. My forehead falls against my knees as the tears keep coming and I feel a comforting hand on my upper back. We sit there for a while and I just cry.
She shouldn't be here with me. She isn't safe around me. She shouldn't even be trying to make me feel better. I don't deserve her comfort. I punched her and gave her that black eye. I shouldn't...
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I pull my head up and look in her direction, but with the tears all I see is a blurry outline.
“What... what are you doing here? Is it because of what I did? Did you get a c-concussion or...?”
“No, no I'm fine, aside from the eye being black.”
My eyes drop and I look at my thighs as I try to clear my eyes once again.
“I'm very, very sorry about the punching.”
“It's okay, I'm over it. It'll fade. Bonnie isn't exactly happy about it though, but she knows I wasn't picking a fight.”
“Yeah neither was I...”
“Well, to answer your first question, I volunteer here whenever I can. I like to help those in need.”
She suddenly gets very uncomfortable.
“Is that, why you're here? Are you, a patient?”
A patient?
“What? N-no I'm not a... patient. It's, my mom... she's the patient.”
“Oh, is she gonna be okay?”
I look around at the garden style quiet zone.
“They don't know...”
I feel tears coming again.
“Maybe not...”
She puts the arm around me as I can't stop the tears from flowing.
“I'm sorry...”
The tears keep coming but the words that she says somehow make me feel a little better, so I smile at her. I lean a little towards her and reach out to touch her face. I'm not sure why. She just smiles back, and for some reason, I lean the rest of the way in and kiss her softly. Our lips touch for all of 5 seconds before she pulls away quickly.
“Whoa, okay uh... whoa...”
What did I just do?
I let go of my knees and back away a bit.
“I... I'm s-sorry I... don't know why I d-did that...”
“It's okay...”
Okay?
“I think it's a couple counties over from okay. I shouldn't have... kissed you like that.”
I stand up to back away some more.
“No, you shouldn't have, but I understand why you did.”
She understands? How can she understand?
“How can you understand if I don't? How can you say you understand?”
She stands up to comfort me.
“Whatever is going on with your mother is making you feel needy. I'm not sure why it keeps happening around me, but I see it a lot working here, I understand.”
I look at her and I have to back up to keep from slugging her again.
“I... I'm sorry...”
She gives me a sympathetic smile.
“You know, I meant what I said about talking about it.”
That is SUCH a bad idea.
I look toward the hallway entrance.
“No, I should go back to my mother. I kinda bailed on her when the doctor told us. I should be there for her.”
I start backwards toward the hallway, looking at her.
“Besides, bad things keep happening when we're around each other.”
“Right...”
I turn completely to the hallway.
“Buffy?”
I face her for a minute.
“Yeah?”
“Why is it that bad things keep happening when we're together?”
I clear my eyes a bit.
“I think, it's because you remind me, of... someone.”
“Oh... someone you don't like?”
“You could say that...”
I turn and leave.
CHAPTER 8: Homecoming
Faith's POV
I step off the train and look around.
Good old Sunny D, home of the best apocalypse known to man.
I take a big whiff of the air at the train station and cough at how clean the air is in this small town.
It's not like the air in L.A., or back home in Boston. Less people means less pollution I guess. Well, I should probably start heading toward the hospital. I don't know how long I'm gonna be in town so it doesn't really make sense for me to get a room at my usual motel just yet. I've got the money if I need to, the money the mayor left me is keeping me nice and comfortable. I wish I could thank him for that somehow.
I look around the outdoor station at the people moving around me.
Where the heck was the passenger pick up area again? I haven't been here since the first time I came to Sunnydale.
I notice most of the passengers are all heading a certain way so I follow until I see a passenger pick up sign.
They usually have random cabs out waiting for people.
I walk out into a circular driveway and search for a cab.
Oh, there's one I think.
I start towards it.
“Faith…?”
Giles…?
I turn around to see him standing next to his car.
“Giles…?”
He gives me a look that kinda reminds me of the one Angel gives me when he's wondering what I'm thinking.
What is it with old people and that look?
“What are you doing here?”
“Angel called and told me you were on your way and I came to pick you up.”
Oh…
“Does that mean…?”
“Buffy has no idea you are here.”
“Well, I appreciate the offer, but I'd rather not get a lecture. I know what I did was wrong, and it eats me up inside every day that I couldn't find some way to stop it from happening. But it did happen, and I didn't have any choice but to do what I did. I know that, and I don't need other people telling me that because they feel the need to put me down for what I did. I'll get my own ride thank you very much.”
I turn to the cab again.
“Do you really believe that is what will happen if you let me drive you to the hospital?”
I stop and face him.
“I have been in contact with Angel for some time now. I was well aware that you were staying with him and if I felt animosity toward you I could've at the very least asked him not to speak to you on the subjects he and I discussed.”
True…
“I guess.”
“Right then…”
He turns to his car and opens the door for me on the passenger side.
“Shall we go then?”
I look around the pick up area and pretend like I'm thinking it over.
“Sure why not…”
I go up to the car and get in. As soon as I'm semi-comfortable he shuts the door and goes over to the driver's side, getting in. He turns the ignition and pulls out of the train station. We drive down the street and head to the hospital a couple miles away. I look over at him as he drives.
“So, isn't not telling Buffy kinda dangerous? I'm sure she won't be all that happy to see me.”
“True, but if she knew you were coming she would do everything in her power to stop you from getting here. Now that you're here she…”
“Will do everything she can to get me to leave.”
He pauses for a moment.
“That is the most likely outcome, yes.”
Another moment of pause passes.
“Would it keep you from your goal here?”
“Seeing and talking to Joyce… not a chance. She means too much to me to let Buffy stand in my way. Joyce is like I always hoped my own mother would be to me. She asked me here to see her, and not even her pissed off daughter is going to keep me from it. Not forever anyway.”
He doesn't say anything.
“So, if you knew I was staying with Angel, why didn't you stop talking to him?”
He turns the corner before answering.
“Because I wanted you to know…”
Oh…
“You did?”
“Faith, I've been a watcher for a long time, most of my life in fact. One of the first things I was taught, and told to teach my charge is to put your own feelings aside for the good of the world.”
I watch him as he continues driving and talking.
“I loved Dawn, the same as I care for Buffy or Xander and even Anya to an extent. I cared for Dawn the same way I care for you. I wanted Dawn to survive, I wanted everything to work out for the best, but as a watcher I had come to accept that she might not, long before Glory took Dawn.”
“I guess Buffy never learned that lesson.”
“Not as such, no. Buffy has always seen things with her heart. She trusts her heart to tell her right from wrong, even when she is confused about what her heart thinks she should do. It's something that she has always been able to trust, and from her perspective there isn't any reason to change that. She feels what you did was wrong in her heart, and she's not wrong about that. But being a slayer means sometimes you have to go with what your head tells you, instead of your heart. I have come to resolve my feelings towards your actions that day, as I can tell that you have as well. Buffy has yet to do that, and I suspect that she refuses to because of your past connection.”
We pull up to the hospital and he stops.
“I'll park the car, you go on ahead.”
I look at him and something about his gaze is comforting.
I guess he's right. I'm glad I'm not the only one in this town that understands why I did what I did.
“Thanks for the ride.”
He just smiles at me. I smile back and readjust the strap on my shoulder. I get out of the car and he drives out into the parking lot to look for a spot. I turn to the door and go inside.
Buffy's POV
God I don't know what I'm gonna do. I talked to my mom a minute ago. She's dealing with it better than I am. It's like she just accepted the fact that she could die. How can she do that? I don't know how to get through the next minute let alone the next few weeks of her treatment. What the hell am I gonna do? How can I spend any time with her without breaking into tears? I can't do this.
Someone sits down next to me and hands me a coffee. I look up to see Xander sitting next to me with concern.
“Thanks.”
He just smiles at me. I hold the cup in my hands and feel how warm it is.
Faith brought me coffee once, when we were waiting for news about Dawn after she cut herself.
The image of Faith smiling flashes through my head and I feel like burning myself with the coffee in my hands.
Fucking bitch…
“You okay?”
I look at him and see the look of concern turn to one of sympathy. I take a deep breath.
“Um, no… no I don't think I am. I don't know that I ever will be if my mom doesn't make it through this.”
“She'll make it through, as long as you are there for her.”
I take a deeper breath, my head dropping to stare at my coffee again.
“How can I be there for her if all I do when I'm around her is break into tears?”
“It tells her you care, which gives her a reason to keep fighting.”
I close my eyes and just sit there for a minute.
“I guess. I… I don't want her to die.”
“Neither do I B, neither do I.”
I look up and Faith is standing there.
CHAPTER 9: Reunion of Pain
Faith's POV
I walk down the hall to where the nurse said Joyce's room is. Then I see her, sitting in a chair with Xander by her side.
Well, I guess I'll have to deal with my ex first, before I deal with her mother.
I go towards her a bit until I hear her words.
“I guess. I… I don't want her to die.”
“Neither do I B, neither do I.”
She looks up at me with this look of pain.
“Um, hey…”
All the sudden her face changes to one of ice cold hatred.
I guess that was the wrong thing to say.
She drops the cup in her hands which spills on the floor and she all but charges me. I take a few back steps before she hits me with a right cross to the face and shoves me up against the nearest wall, her forearm holding me there by the throat.
“What the hell are you doing here Faith?”
I'm not sure why, but the look of pure hatred on her face makes me smile.
“It's nice to see you too B.”
She grabs me by the shirt and pulls me off the wall just long enough to shove me as hard as she can against the wall again.
“What the HELL are you DOING here Faith?”
I kinda chuckle at her.
“Right now…? I'm getting attacked by you, but everything isn't always about me you know B.”
“Don't screw with me Faith, not now.”
“When would you like me to then? Cause I can come back.”
She takes her full weight off me for a split second and hits me in the face with a right cross.
“Last time we were three feet from each other I told you if I ever saw you again I'd kill you.”
I straighten up against the wall, her arm back against my throat.
“Well, now's your chance B. Go ahead.”
After a few seconds she looks down at her forearm on my throat and another couple moments pass before she starts to press down. Xander gets a little closer to us.
“Buffy, are you sure you wanna do this? Your track record hasn't been the greatest lately.”
Her track record…?
“What's been wrong with your track record B?”
Our eyes meet again.
“It's nothing.”
“Okay then, I'll just bask in the joy of how happy you are to see me.”
“Fuck you Faith.”
I smile at her.
“Well if that's what you really want B, but is angry sex really what you need right now?”
Her cold stare seems to get harder and she steps back, putting the full slayer force behind her punch.
Ow! I'm not entirely sure why I'm trying to piss her off exactly. It just seems like the right thing to do. She has every right to be pissed at me after what I've done. If I were in her shoes I'd probably attack me too. Pissing her off even more just feels right for some reason.
I get a little off balance but I move off the wall and stand steady.
“Get out of here Faith. Don't ever come back.”
I pick up my bag.
“So you're not gonna kill me then?”
She goes to hit me and I block it, firing back with my own at barely half strength and it takes her off her feet. I just watch as Xander goes to her. Xander looks at me.
“Faith, maybe you should…”
He doesn't finish. Buffy looks up at me, the anger gone and a defeated, pain soaked look there.
“Just please… go…”
This isn't the time.
I make a move to leave.
“I'll go… but I'm coming back.”
I start to go but stop to say one last thing.
“Your mom called me B, that's what I'm doing here. She called and asked me to come so she could talk to me. I don't know what she wants, but I won't leave until I find out what that is. So whether you want me to or not, I'll be back.”
Then I just leave.
CHAPTER 10: A Mother's Love
Buffy's POV
I walk straight into my mom's hospital room, stopping a few feet from her. She's being tended to by a nurse, but I don't care.
“How could you?”
Mom looks up at me, she doesn't say anything.
“After what she did?”
My mom looks at the nurse for a second.
“Nurse, would you give us a few minutes?”
She glances at me and then at my mother.
“Sure…”
The nurse leaves.
“How could you call Faith? How could you ask her to come here and not tell me?”
She takes a deep breath.
“I didn't tell you because I wasn't sure you'd let her come.”
“You're damn right I wouldn't have let her come here. She KILLED DAWN!”
Mom just looks at me for a minute.
“Yes, she did. But that doesn't change the fact that I need to speak with her.”
“Why? What could you have to talk to her about?”
Mom's eyes drift down to her feet.
Oh my god, is she?
“You're going to forgive her? After she killed your daughter?”
“No I…”
“Would you forgive her if she had killed me? What if I had been on that tower and she had pushed ME? Would you have forgiven her THEN too?”
“BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS! You listen here…”
I stop talking and listen to my mother.
“I didn't say anything about forgiving her. You're angry and you're jumping to conclusions. Now calm down and let me explain.”
What the hell am I doing? I'm yelling at my sick mother.
I run a hand through my hair.
“I, I'm sorry… I don't know what's wrong with me.”
“I have no intention of forgiving Faith. What she did was wrong, and nothing she can say or do will change that. But as I've told you before, love isn't always about forgiveness. And as hard as this may be for you to accept, I still love Faith like she were my own daughter.”
“But what she did…”
“Was wrong, I've already said that Buffy. But have you forgotten about what happened with Ted?”
What?
I'm not really sure what she's trying to say so I just keep quiet.
“My ex-boyfriend… Ted? You killed him, remember?”
“He, he was a robot…”
“Did you know that when you hit him and knocked him down the stairs?”
“N-no…”
“I didn't find out until over a year later. Up until he showed up out of the blue the day after I was completely convinced that you had killed the man I was in love with. But I knew even before that, even though you had killed him that I would do everything in my power to keep you from going to jail for it, because you were my daughter and I loved you. I know that the situations are different in a lot of ways. Dawn was incredibly unique, something I knew from the moment I held her in my arms after she was born. And I know that Dawn meant just as much to me as she did to you. But on a basic level, the situations are the same. You killed someone that I loved deeply, no matter how it came about, and Faith killed someone you loved deeply. Believe me… I understand what you're going through. But I came to a decision a long time ago that I loved my daughters unconditionally, and Faith as far as I'm concerned is still my daughter. Nothing either of you could ever do could change how I feel about the both of you. Not even what Faith did to Dawn can change it. I need Faith to know that in case something happens to me.”
Something happens?
I go up to her bed and sit next to her in the chair.
“Mom… nothing is gonna happen to you. The doctors started giving you the treatment today right?”
“Yes…”
“Then you're going to be fine Mom. You don't have to worry about telling Faith anything. She doesn't deserve to hear anything like that anyway, not after what she did.”
“Isn't that my decision to make?”
She's really determined to do this.
“I'm not sure Mom, can't we… shouldn't you wait and see how good the treatment goes first? Maybe you won't have to tell her anything and she can just go away.”
My mom looks at me for a few seconds.
“All right, if you feel that strongly about it, I'll wait. But on one condition…”
Condition?
“What is it?”
“That if I decide in a few days, or weeks that I want to talk to Faith, you won't stand in my way.”
I take a minute and look at her.
God I hate this. I just want Faith to go back wherever she came from… but she's my mother, I can't say no.
“Okay…”
I sit back in the chair and close my eyes, taking a deep breath.
“Okay, I… I won't stand in the way, as long as you give it some time.”
“Deal…”
My eyes meet with my mother's.
“I love you Mom…”
“I love you too sweetheart.”
Faith's POV
Well that went well… I guess.
I drop my bag inside my motel room door as I shut it and head over to the bed.
At the very least there was a lot less violence than expected.
I get on the bed and lie down.
I figured she'd throw a chair at me, or maybe the coffee she had in her hands. But I came away with a few threats and some hits to the face. That's much better than third degree burns. Still, I hope Joyce is all right. Buffy no doubt went to confront her mother about calling me and asking me to come see her. Not that I think Buffy would hurt her in a million years, I mean if she can't hurt me after what I've done then she'd never even think of hurting Joyce, no matter how much she hates me. I just don't think that her daughter yelling at her is what Joyce needs right now. I get the impression she's not in the greatest condition.
I get up and go towards the bathroom. I stop in front of the mirror and look at myself in it. I notice the redness on my cheek and check it for bruising.
I knew not telling Buffy was a bad idea.
I run my hand over my cheek when I realize it's fine.
Well, nothing I can do about it now. The important thing is that she knows I'm here in town now and I'm not going away until I see Joyce. She means too much to me to not give her what she wants.
I head back into the main part of my motel room and sit on the bed.
I'll have to wait for a better time to see Joyce. I told Giles where I'd be staying when I saw him on my way out, he remembers the number. I also left the number with the hospital reception and asked them to give it to Joyce when Buffy isn't around as a favor to me. I made their workplace a vampire free zone back about a year ago when I wiped out Omega's gang from Sunnydale, and most of them know it. I'm sure Joyce will get the message. Now I just have to figure out what to do until then. It could be a few days at least, maybe longer, depending on how Buffy feels.
I lie back on the bed.
I should at least do some good while I'm here, maybe patrol. I could go by the cemetery and visit Dawn's grave, if I can find the courage to go there and face her that is. She was my daughter and she's gone. I know it's my fault and I have to live with that, but it still hurts that she died. It was hard enough to face what happened to Buffy 2 years ago, I'm not sure I could handle seeing Dawn's name etched in stone. I guess I'll try and go and find out.
...continued in chapter 11...