I'm Not So Tough
by CJ
Rating: R
Disclaimer: No, I don't own Buffy or Faith
Song Disclaimer: Ilse deLange's: "I'm not so tough" from the album World
of Hurt.
Poetic Licence Disc: In the last line the "him" who tore the heart is
originally a "her" in the lyrics. But it fitted better with my purpose
so I changed it.
We'd been having a good time, the night had been full of vamps which we dusted with little trouble. Making for an early evening to the Bronze. We were still going though our slayer side effects. You know the ones hungry and horny, me just a little bit more than B of course, seeing as she hides it behind those frozen yoghurts she says she craves.
Lately though it's been getting more and more awkward between the two of us, my feelings for her have started growing and growing, almost screaming to be let free. And I am sure she feels the same, the way I catch her looking at me when we come out of a hazardous fight. Making sure I am ok, and not just because I am her sister slayer. She wants to say something I am sure, though she never does, like she is scared to get close.
Tonight though I'll get her to open up to me, my hints and innuendos must not have been enough so tonight I'll just tell her out and out, let her know for sure, no more charades to hide behind.
We're sitting at the gangs usual table waiting for them to show up, so I take this opportunity to talk with her but trying to get B's attention with the music being so loud is a little hard to do. I opt for a subtle approach for once and touch her hand instead of my usual bluntness which would have me just plain yelling over the music.
Her eyes meet mine, and I nod to the barely filled dance floor, she gets my drift and joins me for an energy release we both need. Grinding against each other to the deep bass of the haunting song that plays. Holding hands, exchanging meaningful looks, I just know she feels the same. Now just to get her to say it. Why not I'll just ask her for it then. My mouth comes closer to her delectable ear and whispers the words only meant for slayer hearing.
// I can almost read your mind, It's running fast, out of control you're afraid of what you'll find, if you get too close you imagine I don't care, you see walls that just aren't there you think I'm too strong to let you in well that's just not fair //
Running after her I catch up and turn her around to face me. She ran after I opened up to her on the dance floor and that hurt, and before I know it tears start to fall from my eyes, definitely messing up my tough girl façade as they roll down my cheeks. But I don't care, I want her to see this and I want her to know what I think, yelling at her the words that need to be heard.
// - Chorus - : I'm not so tough, I'll call your bluff and let you see a side of me that wants you here and cries real tears and needs someone to love I'm not so tough //
Angel did a lot of damage to her heart, but hey it's not like mine is all that new and unblemished. That happens, it's life move on. I am here now willing to try, willing to love and not leave. Don't compare me to someone else, I am me with my own feelings, I sure know I don't compare you to Ronnie the deadbeat, Steve the klepto, or even Kenny the drummer. Cause I know you are your own person. Like you should know I am, I won't turn evil on you like dead boy did. So please let it go, and see what is right in front of you, right now.
// I know that you've been hurt before well so have I what can you do that doesn't mean you close the door so stop blamin' me, I don't blame you I'm not some ghost from your past the one who tore you heart in half I'm not him, it's not my fault you're holding on to that //
And finally it gets through to her, it hits home. All the times I made a pass, all the things I said to her. She knows it was more than just post slaying feelings and taunts. She knows I love her and am willing to go for it. Showing her feelings for me in shared tears she tells me the same word I just yelled at her. Giving us both a chance to show who we really are, and what we really feel.
// - Chorus - I'm not so tough, I'll call your bluff and let you see a side of me that wants you here and cries real tears and needs someone to love I'm not so tough //