Doubts
by Davids21
Rating: R

Disclaimer: Joss owns the characters. I am merely taking them for a spin.
Spoilers: Season three.
Thanks: The usual suspects Piper, Sway, Nikita. You guys give me so many ideas and continue to give me support no matter what I write. Nikita, this story is for you. And as always Dacia, thanks for reading my stuff and I love you for it.

I never thought I would get to see Faith in this way. After the thing with that fake watcher I figured she would try and distance herself from me. Everybody else did. It has always been my curse. I try to keep things to myself and I end up alienating myself from the people I need most. I don’t like being that way. Sometimes, though, it feels like I am giving and giving and not getting anything back. So what if I didn’t say anything when Angel came back from Hell?

How can anyone judge me for that? After what I went through I deserved the chance to figure this out on my own. But having sex with Faith? I wish could figure that out.

*****

Buffy smiling at me. Even though my eyes are closed I can feel her smiling at me. Usually no one gets to me like this. Ever. When I let that happen people tend to get hurt. Actually I get hurt. Every single time. So after Buffy and I finished, I just closed my eyes. This was a dream come true and the minute I open my eyes, she’ll look at me and tell me to leave.

You’d figured a bad girl like me would be used to that. But no matter how many times you hear it, even when you know that it’s coming, nothing hurts more than having someone tell you ‘go away’. And if I hear it from Buffy, it’ll kill me.

*****

We been lying here for awhile now. I can’t take my eyes off of her. I keep thinking that if I take my eyes off of her she’ll disappear. Why do I even feel like this? What made me get in bed with her? I run my fingers through her dark brown hair and suddenly any doubt or fear I had goes away. She looks so peaceful here next to me. Like she always belonged here.

I have been asking myself why since we finished. Y’know, like trying to rationalize the situation. But when I look at her, the only question I have is why not?

*****

God, I wish I could go to sleep. Maybe then I would stop thinking about her. I still have my eyes closed and I can still feel B looking at me. I feel her hand caressing the side of my face and her fingers going through my hair. My body starts tingling from the contact.

How does she do this to me? I mean, how does someone who is nothing like me at all make me feel so good? Then, I feel her getting closer to me. Her body up against mine. I slowly open my eyes pretending that I just woke up.

“Hey.” She says. Her voice is almost like a whisper. The only reason I hear it is because of the slayer thing.

I smile at her. I can’t think of anything to say. I am scared that I might say that wrong thing and ruin everything. But if I don’t say anything she’ll think that I don’t want to be here. I think saying hey would be ok.

Then Buffy’s index finger goes over my lips. “Sssh,” she says. “I have been sitting here wondering how this could happen.”

Oh no. She gonna blow me off. I should’ve never let my guard down. I sit up and mumble something about having to go. Then I feel B’s hand on my shoulder. My heart is practically jumping out of my chest.

“No. Don’t leave.” My body relaxes. I turn to look at Buffy. Trying to see if she is just trying to keep me from talking about this to anyone. But her eyes are staring into mine.

“Faith. Stay.”

I nod and slide back under the covers.

*****

If given the chance you can pretty talk yourself out of anything. You can cause yourself to miss out on life changing moments just because it’s easier to run away than to face your fear head on. And right now I am afraid of Faith. I’m afraid that she might not like me the way I like her. That this is just some one night stand for her.

But I’m not going to talk myself out of this. I slide closer to Faith. Her body feels so warm against mine. I take a deep breath as I watch her eyes open. When I finally remember to breathe, I let out a hey.

Faith smiles. We look at each other for a few moments. Now or never. Faith begins to say something and I gently placed my finger her lips. I tell her to ssh. Which she does. Then I tell her how I have been wondering how this could happen.

Suddenly, Faith sits up and says “I gotta go now...”

So that’s all it was to her then. A one night stand. I don’t mean anything to her at...no. She isn’t going anywhere. I reached out for her shoulder and tell her not to leave. At first she hesitates and then she turns to look at me. And I stare into those brown eyes and say to her stay.

And she gets back under the covers with me.

*****

B smiles at me and kiss me on the cheek. “Faith what we just shared was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. And I was hoping that you would stay here with me tonight.”

And any doubt I had about Buffy’s feelings went away. I snuggled into her arms and put my head against her chest. As I listen to her heartbeat, I can only think of one thing to say.

That was all you had to say, B. That was all.

...to be continued...

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