Redemption

by Erin
Rating: R

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox. I'm just borrowing them for a bit. I'll put them back when I'm done, no worse for wear (but maybe a little happier).
Spoilers: Through Who Am I?

I was staring at nothing really, just the dust floating around in the back of this crap cargo truck, and no one, not even the driver, knew that I was the cargo. I was just sitting there. And thinking. Always way too much thinking.

We were moving at a pretty good clip, and at that rate I figured Sunnydale would be history in no time, left behind just like Boston, another place I had screwed up.

No more Sunnydale, and no more Buffy.

Goddamn good intentions. I could have been on an airplane by now, watching some crappy in-flight movie. But at least I would have been gone. Nope, I had to go make all the wrong choices one more time. I get a little bit of gratitude, and all of a sudden I fall in love with the whole "Super Friends" mentality. Pretty pathetic when you think about it.

So this isn't First Class; then again, I never got First Class. Only Buffy ever got First Class. All Faith gets is the back of some truck.

Story of my life, really.

The truck slowed down now, coming to a stop. This wasn't good. I knew we were on a highway, and it took something pretty serious to get traffic to come to a dead stop. About the only thing that did were accidents. And roadblocks.

I crept to the front of the truck bed, peering out through the dusty wood slats. Sure enough, about a hundred yards up the road, Sunnydale's finest. Shit. Trust the SPD to start growing a brain just as I'm trying to leave town. Jagoffs.

I opened the back of the truck just enough to squeeze through; luckily, the truck was in the slowest lane, closest to the side of the road. I latched the back of the truck and jumped smoothly down to the asphalt. Keeping low, I backed off the road, seeking cover in the tall weeds and brush. The brown, brittle grass crunched under my boots, but I knew there was no way they'd hear me from there.

So, roads were blocked. Time to switch to Plan B. Problem was, I had no clue what Plan B was. And if I was gonna be hiking it, I was gonna need something more than the clothes on my back. Looks like it was back to Sunnydale for me.

Goddamn place is like a black hole.

*****

As I walked through the woods just outside town, I tried to think of what I could do to get myself back on my feet. I could steal a bunch of hiking crap and foot it out of town, but that didn't really have the appeal that one might think. The highways were out, and I bet that the airports, bus terminals, and train stations would be out too. Which left hanging out in Sunnydale until the heat was off, and the SPD lost interest in their little dragnet.

But what to do in the meantime? I've never been one for waiting around.

I found myself wandering one of Sunnydale's many graveyards. Christ, I think they have more dead people in this city than alive. It was getting on toward dark, and the sun had just set for the day. I knew that Buffy was going to start patrolling soon, so I wanted to be away from the graveyards and into downtown before then.

That's when I saw him sneaking out of his little crypt.

"William the Bloody," I said, leaning casually against the wall of his crypt. "This must be my lucky day."

He looked me up and down, and said in that punk British accent of his, "You must be Faith."

"Currently, yeah," I said.

"I heard that the Slayer and all her little Slayerettes had their shorts in a bunch because of you," Spike said, amused. "So tell me, luv, exactly why is this your lucky day? I heard Buffy sent you packing."

"Because," I said, walking up to him and placing a hand on his chest. "I feel like beating the crap out of someone, and guess what? You'll do."

He lost his smile immediately. "Now, Faith," he said, holding up his hands, "You don't want to do that, I mean, I can help you so much more unbeaten, you know what I mean?"

"No, I don't," I replied, enjoying myself. "Why would I possibly need your help?"

"Uh, because." He was inching nervously away, trying not to let me notice. "Because, I can help you get revenge on the Slayer."

"Sorry, Billy," I told him. "Been there, done that, not interested. Revenge is just a big pain in the ass, you know? I'm much more a direct action kinda gal."

"Ok, well, I can tell you where she lives. Bet you didn't know that, did you?"

I raised an eyebrow. I didn't know that, other than the fact I knew she lived on campus somewhere. "Ok, so tell."

"Oh, no," he said, regaining some of his smugness. "Not until you promise you're not going to beat me up. Old Spike's no fool."

"Ok, I promise."

"Nice we could come to an understanding." He stuck his hands in his pockets, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. "She lives with the little witch in room 214, Stevenson Hall."

"Cool, thanks," I said, stepping up to him. "_Now_ I'm going to beat the crap out of you."

He dropped his cigarette and stared at me blankly.

"After all I've done, you think a broken promise to a _vampire_ is going to bother me?" I actually laughed out loud.

"Ok, fair enough," he said to me slowly. "But there's another reason why you shouldn't beat me up."

"Do tell."

"I'm a very fast runner!" With that, he took off. I cursed and ran after him, but the damn rat knew exactly what holes to hide into, and I couldn't stick around and look for him. I had places to go, and Slayers to see.

*****

I caught up with Buffy outside her dorm; actually 'caught up with' are probably the wrong words for it. I really hid in the bushes while she and Riley, Corn-Fed-All-American-Boy, said their good nights to one another.

It wasn't the prettiest picture; Beefstick was so apologetic, almost brooding. He probably told her that we screwed last night. Buffy was really distant, she almost looked like she was in shock. What can I say, twenty four hours in my body will do that to a person. Too bad she can't imagine what it's like living here full time.

"So, I'll talk to you tomorrow," Beefstick was saying.

"Yeah," Buffy replied, her voice so soft I almost couldn't hear it. Beefstick was doomed, and he didn't even know it yet. I could have told him that Buffy doesn't like to share. Neither do I, that's why I slept with him.

See, I love Buffy. Funny-ass way of showing it, I know. But I do. It's like the candle and moth thing, you know? I just keep getting drawn to her. But she didn't want me, she wanted Angel. And that drove me nuts.

It wasn't until I looked at Buffy that I realized I needed some questions answered. Call it stupid, call it idiotic, whatever, but I needed to talk to her again. Find out if my life, and near-death, was worth anything after all.

So I waited for Beefstick to take a hike, and I followed Buffy on her patrol. Problem was, she was always better at the intuitive thing than I was. She knew I was there. About halfway through her first graveyard sweep, she pulled a stake out of her pocket, and said, "Ok, whoever's out there can come out now. I don't have time for this."

"What, no puns?" I asked, stepping out of the bushes. "I'm disappointed, B." Probably not the brightest thing to do, but I can't help making smart-ass remarks. It's in my nature.

"Faith." Her eyes narrowed when she saw me, so different than the polite concern a couple days ago. "Why did you come back? Did you miss sleeping with my boyfriend?"

"Beefstick? Nah, he was ok for a one-nighter, but not my type, you know?" I thought I saw hatred right then in those gorgeous eyes of hers, but I knew she wouldn't make the first move. She'd wait for me to do it.

"So why are you still here?" She never took her eyes off me. Just the way I like it.

"I had a couple of questions. Figured you were the best one to answer them." Always best to be up-front, I've discovered. Hell, I've got nothing more to hide.

"Why the hell would I help you?"

I don't know, why the hell should she help me? There was no good reason for it, but I knew she would; it's just the type of person she is, she helps people. Even people she hates. I just smiled that same knowing smile, the one that never let on exactly what I didn't know. "You will. You can't help it, it's who you are. I got to know you pretty well this past couple days, B. Too bad you can't say the same about me."

She looked at me, really looked at me; like she was sizing me up or something. "What makes you think I can't?"

"You think you know me? You don't know shit about me, girlfriend." I was pissed, now; got right up in her face with it. "Hell, twenty four hours as me? You're lucky you survived."

She didn't back down, I'll give her that. "I know you're all alone. I know you're scared, that you think everyone's out to get you. That you've been dealt a bad hand and you have no choice but to play it."

Ok, so maybe she did know shit about me. I didn't want to let her know it, though. "That's just the way it is, B. You play with what you're dealt. You got dealt a PTA mom, with a nice middle-class household and a college education. I got dealt an alcoholic who beat me and spent our food money on booze and drugs." My voice broke then, goddammit. I hate remembering what my childhood was like; it comes back to me enough when I'm asleep, I don't need it when I'm awake too. "No college, no home, no family, no friends, no future. That's just the way it is."

"You have friends," she told me. Her voice was quiet, and that anger wasn't in her eyes anymore. I wish she wouldn't do this to me. I can take her anger a lot better than her pity.

"Who, you?" I kept my voice scornful, letting her know exactly what I thought about that. "I'm not stupid. There's no way you'd be my friend after all the things I've done to you." I made sure of that, at least, I thought I had.

"You're wrong, Faith. I've been here all along. All you need to do is come back."

"Don't do this to me. Don't fucking do this to me." I kept shaking my head. I had screwed up my life so much that I thought I would never get another chance with Buffy, and here she was offering it to me on a silver platter. It's all so much easier when we hate each other. I'm familiar with hate, I know how to deal with it.

"Do what?"

"I don't need your pity!"

"It's not pity, Faith. I care about you. I always have."

That rocked me. I looked in her eyes then, and she was telling the truth. I wasn't being played, she was telling me the goddamn truth. And of course, I only had one answer: "You're crazy."

"Yeah, I probably am." She smiled at me. I liked it, it always got to me.

I couldn't stop shaking my head. "Why are you doing this to yourself?" Why are you doing this to _me_?

"Like I said, I care about you. Back when we were slaying together, things were really good, you know? It was a lot of fun, and you did drive me nuts sometimes, but it was nuts in a good way. Good nuts." She leaned back heavily against a gravestone. "I miss it. Before you came, the only thing I had was duty. You helped me see that there was something to live for in being a Slayer besides averting the next apocalypse. When... you left...a part of me did, too. If I can get that back, if I can get _you_ back, I will."

I had nothing to say. No smart-ass comments, no biting words chosen to drive her away. Nothing.

"So what happened, Faith? How come you went to the Mayor?"

This, at least, I had an answer for. I had practiced this speech, rehearsed it. I knew it by heart, better than I knew myself.

"You always treated me like second-best. Second best Slayer to you, second best friend to Willow, even second best...whatever to Angel. He got your love, Willow got your friendship, and you got to be the hero. I...never...got...squat." I made sure to say that nice and slow. "And then...then I make one mistake. One! So I killed a guy that shouldn't have been killed, by accident. You were there. So was it 'our' mistake? Was it 'our' problem?" I turned angrily, striding a few feet away to look out across the moonlit graveyard. "No, of course not! It was 'my' mistake. 'My' problem. 'Faith, you killed a man!' 'Faith, you have to deal with this!' The minute I proved that I wasn't as good as you, that I couldn't be as good as you, you bailed on me."

"I tried to get you help--"

"You tried to get _me_ help!" I yelled, really angry now, turning around to stare at the blond slayer. "Do you know how alone that made me feel? Why I felt that it was all coming down on _my_ head? You never supported me. You never stood beside me. You walked ahead of me, barely looking behind to see if I was following you, like a good little lap dog." She looked like I had hit her; it tore me up, but I couldn't stop. It hurt me to be hurting her, but I deserved the pain. So did she. "So I went to the Mayor. Figured a little petty revenge was in order against you and the Scooby Squad. Figured, once I got that out of the way I could move on, take that freighter and get the hell outa Dodge. But I actually liked what I was doing with the Mayor. For once, just _once_, there was someone who didn't treat me like second best. He was wicked psycho, but he cared about me." I laughed harshly at myself. "Like anyone but a psycho would care about me. But you wanted to know why I went to the Mayor? Because he treated me like a fucking person, not a child."

"You're right," she said to me, her voice quiet. "I'm sorry, Faith. I don't ever want to make those mistakes again." She paused, fighting to get the words to come out. I knew how that was. "You know, it was hard for me, after I thought I lost Angel. It was hard for me to trust people. You were one of the few people I let in that close. Despite my best efforts, I liked you. Heck, I even looked up to you." She smiled at me again, and I got that trapped feeling. The one that tells me my heart isn't mine anymore, part of it belongs to her. "Please don't shut me out, like last time. I don't think I could take that again."

She really knew how to take the wind out of my sails. All that beautiful anger that I had worked up was gone, and I was too tired to even try to bring it up again. "So, what does that mean?"

"It means I want us to be friends again," Buffy told me. "We've really hurt each other, and I don't want to do it anymore. I don't think you do, either."

"You think we have any choice?" I was trying to resist this for everything I was worth, I really was. But I wasn't putting up more than a token protest at this point, and she knew it. It had all beaten me down; the police, the Mayor's death, the killing, losing people I cared about. I didn't have the energy to fight her anymore.

"I think we do. What about you? Are you willing to give it a shot?"

The psychologists from my old High School back home always said I had "trust issues." I never liked letting people in close; all it was was setting myself up for disappointment. But I knew that by doing that I was setting myself up for loneliness.

What'll it be, Faith? Possible disappointment, or certain loneliness?

She had me. "Yeah."

*****

We both sat around that old graveyard for a minute, not knowing exactly what to say. Finally, she spoke up.

"So how come you came back?"

I shrugged; it suddenly didn't seem all that important anymore. "Police put up some roadblocks, I would have had to lay low here for a few days anyway. Besides, I had a couple of questions."

"Like what?"

"Like, what happened to Angel?"

Buffy gave me a look, like she didn't trust why I was asking, but I guess she decided to answer. "He's gone."

"Dead?" I kept my voice casual; truth was, I didn't give a rat's ass whether boy-toy was dead or not. But Buffy probably wouldn't like it if I were all excited at the prospect.

"No. I saved him. He drained me, almost to death, but the blood saved him."

"So, what--"

"He just...left. After Graduation. Told me beforehand that he was leaving. That he couldn't take it anymore."

I just smiled and shook my head. "He really is a piece of work. Takes a pair to leave a chick who just risked her life to save yours."

"Can we talk about something else?" Buffy asked. She looked like she was still pretty shaken up about the whole thing.

"Sure." I could've pressed her on it; hell, eight months ago I would have pressed her on it. But now it just didn't seem worth it.

"Do you need a place to stay?" Classic Buffy, all right, always wondering about my welfare.

"Nah, I got it covered." Classic Faith, never wanting any of it.

"The police are going to be watching your place." She was really worried now. It made me a little uncomfortable. "You can stay at my place tonight."

I was about to say no, but then I got this mental image of Buffy telling Red that I was going to be crashing at their place, and I couldn't resist. "Ok, I'm cool with that."

*****

So I was sitting there on Buffy's bed, flipping through the latest issue of one of her chick mags. The look on Red's face was priceless when Buffy brought me inside and told her I was staying the night. So Red dragged Buffy out into the hallway, that same frozen grin on her face the whole time. It cheered me up a whole hell of a lot, to be honest.

Of course, she probably didn't realize I could hear them through the door. Slayer hearing, can't get enough of it.

"Are you crazy?" This was from Red, of course. "You want her to stay in the same room with us? She's probably just waiting for us to go to sleep, and then..." I could just picture the little stabbing motions she was making right now. What a crack up.

"Look, Will, Faith and I have come to an understanding. I don't want this whole thing going on any longer, and she doesn't either. We've both made some serious mistakes. Trust has to begin somewhere." I shook my head. I couldn't believe Buffy was sticking up for me against her best friend.

"Could it begin somewhere a little less lethal? Like...trusting her not to cheat at miniature golf?" Yeah, as if I'd need to cheat to beat _them_.

"Will... Ok, if you're not comfortable with it, Faith and I can go stay somewhere else."

"No... Ok. But can we at least take turns keeping watch on her?... Is that a no?"

The door opened, and Buffy and Willow walked back in. Buffy smiled at me like nothing was wrong, but Willow kept shuffling sideways, like she didn't want to turn her back. I would have bet fifty bucks right then and there that she wasn't going to get any sleep.

*****

"I coulda told you from the beginning that he was going to get caught." I pointed at the small TV screen, which was running the credits for some "Matlock" rerun.

"Oh yeah? Why was that?" Buffy asked me. B, Willow and I were kicked back in her dorm room watching a little TV. And by that, I mean a little TV, the thing probably only had a 9" screen.

"Because, all that planning and shit... That's no way to get away with murder. To get away with offing someone, ya just gotta go in there, and WHAM! get it done." I tried to ignore Red's wide-eyed look, but it was getting harder and harder. Keeping a straight face, I said, "It's even better when you can get 'em while they're asleep. That way, there's no noise and no witnesses." Red made some kind of startled, strangled noise. I looked over at her, all cool and shit, and said, "You ok, Red?"

Buffy just sat there grinning. "Faith..." she said to me, in that "you've been a bad girl" tone of hers.

I figured it was time to let the poor girl off the hook. "It's ok, Red, I was just kiddin' ya."

"Um, yeah," she said, still looking at me like I held her head on a spike.

"So, who wants to go to sleep?" I said, stifling a yawn. "I'm exhausted." I curled up on the floor with the pillow and blanket Buffy gave me, and went right to sleep. Who says there's no rest for the wicked?

*****

The next morning, Red left early to go meet her girlfriend. Oh, and I woulda won my fifty bucks, too.

Buffy just shook her head when Willow left. "I don't think she got much sleep last night, and you didn't help matters any," she said, poking me in the stomach.

"Yeah, well, not my fault she's skittish."

"When she gets over to Tara's, the first thing she's probably going to do is take a nap."

I laughed. "Oh yeah, like those two get much sleep when they're together."

"What do you mean?" Buffy actually looked confused.

"Oh, come on B, don't tell me you don't see it." I kept looking at her, but she kept staring at me like she didn't know what the hell I was talking about.

"What are you talking about?"

Oh, this was too much. "You mean they're not..." I figured a visual aid was in order at this point, so I tried a hand gesture.

"Ok, I can do without seeing that," Buffy said. "As far as I know, no. I...I never thought about Will...are you sure?"

I shrugged. "Pretty sure. I mean, you haven't seen the way they look at each other?"

"Haven't really had the opportunity. Not that it's a big deal, though. I mean, it would be great if Will found someone. It was hard on her when Oz left."

"Oh yeah, hey I'm certainly not one to pass judgement..." Just then, someone knocked on the dorm room door. Buffy waved me behind the door, checking to make sure I was out of sight before she opened it.

"Oh, Riley, hi! What are you doing here?" She stood in front of the doorway, blocking Beefstick from coming in.

"Hi. Um, you...or, well, Faith, actually, um, left this at my place the other night." He handed her something black, looked like the tank top I...Buffy...whoever was wearing a couple of nights ago. "Um, can I come in?"

"Come in?" Buffy squeaked. Yes, squeaked. "Why?"

"Well, I'd kinda like to talk to you about...things."

"We can talk right here. Yes, talk would be good here. Or maybe in the lounge."

"Yeah, well, neither of those places are really private, you know?"

"Um, ok...just give me a minute to get decent..." Buffy closed the door in his face, probably surprising the hell out of him. She motioned me over to the closet, and I just rolled my eyes, gave her my best disgusted look. But I hid all the same; I didn't want to miss this convo. "Ok, come in," I heard her say.

"Are you ok? I mean, you seem really, I don't know, distracted." Ah, that Beefstick, can't put anything over on him.

"No, I'm fine. What did you want to talk about?"

"I just wanted to see if you were ok. I mean, you seemed really distant last night."

"Yeah. I'm fine. Finer than fine. I'm the finest. Look, I got some stuff to do right now, but we'll talk more later, ok?"

"Um, ok..." The door closed, followed moments later by the closet door opening. I just stood there, arms folded across my chest, giving B my best amused look. "What?"

"Trouble in paradise?"

Buffy flushed, though whether it was because she was embarrassed or mad, I couldn't tell. "You should know, you caused it."

"Oh, no, some things you can pin on me, B, and some you can't. Granted, I slept with Beefstick--"

"Riley!"

"...and it was the totally wrong thing to do, I'll admit that. I'll even go one step further, and say I'm sorry." I always hated apologizing. Made me feel guilty, and I hate feeling guilty. But in this case, it was true. "But why are you blaming him? I mean, he thought it was you. Everything he did and said was for you. So why the 'tude?"

Buffy chewed her bottom lip like she always did when she was thinking about something really hard. "I don't know. Things have been really weird the past few days, and I guess I'm still processing all of it."

"So, um," it was my turn to be uncomfortable now, "are we, you know, five by five?"

Buffy looked at me and smiled. God, I'd give anything to see another one of those. Pathetic, huh? "Thank you for saying you were sorry. It really means a lot to me."

I shrugged, like it was no big, and tried to blow it off as always. "Yeah, well, you know, it wasn't--"

Buffy silenced me by putting a finger over my lips. "Yeah, it was. And I appreciate it. We are five by five."

I couldn't stop grinning. I must've looked like an idiot.

"So, since it's Saturday, and I don't have classes, what say you and I go over to Giles'?"

I gave her a doubtful look. "I don't think he's going to want to see me."

"Well, he'd better get used to you. They'd all better get used to you. Because I hope you're sticking around for a long time." She threw her arm across my shoulders like we were best buds or something. I gotta admit, when B decides to do something, she does it all the way.

"I'll be here as long as you want me, B."

*****

Buffy lent me some shades, and we pulled my hair back in a ponytail to give me a different "look" just in case we passed by the cops on our way to see the G-man. Buffy tried to get me to wear one of her pastel numbers, but I just gave her that "over my dead body" look. Pretty soon we were walking through town headed for Giles' place.

"So what are we going to do about the cops?" I asked. "Unless you want me to turn myself in." Yeah, like that was going to happen. I don't care how hard I fell for her, prison just wasn't an option.

Buffy shrugged. "What would be the point? You can do a lot more good as Slayer On Patrol than as Slayer Behind Bars." She hesitated for a second. "Are you...sorry for what happened?"

I dropped my head a little, unable to look her in the eyes. "Yeah, well that guy, the Deputy Mayor? It was like a big accident, you know?"

She nodded, didn't seem upset at all. "I know. Giles told me that it's happened before, with other Slayers. Accidents happen, and it's tragic, but the only thing to do is learn from them, I guess. I'm sorry I freaked, and wasn't there for you like I should have been."

"Nah, it's not your fault, well not totally. I just felt like it was all coming to an end, you know? It was just getting so wicked cool, I mean you and me were like real partners. The Chosen Two. But then, just like every other good thing in my life, I lost it way too fast. I started screwing it up, just like always. Then I figured that if I was going to be evil, I might as well go all the way, you know?"

Buffy stopped me, turned me around to face her. "Listen to me Faith," she said. "It doesn't have to be that way anymore. I've seen you, the real you, and you know what? You're a pretty wicked cool chick." I couldn't help laughing at that. Nice lingo, B. She held on to my arm, and we started walking again. "Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. You think you're screwing something up, you come talk to me about it. And if I think I'm screwing something up, I'll come talk to you. Ok?"

"Yeah, ok." Goddamn, I thought, shaking my head. What the hell did I do to deserve this?

"So, as far as the police go. I think I can get Will to hack into the police computers, maybe work some of her magic on their files."

I eyed her doubtfully, not wanting to get my hopes up. "You really think that will work?"

"Well, you'll still need to hide out until the heat's off." She giggled. "I always wondered what it would be like to say that. Anyway, once the police think you've skipped town they'll forget all about you. They only ever wanted you for questioning anyway. And we'll see what Will can do about their records."

It wasn't much, but I felt better than I did in a long, long time. Walking down the street with Buffy, I started to get that feeling, like everything was going to be ok after all. I was sure it was a lie. So I just shrugged, and told myself I'd enjoy it while it lasted.

*****

"Ok, so I'll go in and prepare Giles." Buffy and I were standing outside the G-man's place, trying to figure out how not to give him a heart attack.

"Hey, no problem, I'll just wait out here in broad daylight, maybe flag down a passing policeman and ask him what he wants, hey?"

"Ok, you might have a point there, no matter how couched in sarcasm. We'll both go in at once. But try not to panic him, ok?" She took a deep breath, and opened the door and we went inside.

Giles was sitting on his couch, reading a newspaper. He glanced over at us, and said, "Hello, Buffy, nice to see you this morning." And of course immediately did a double-take. I'm telling ya, I've seen deer which looked more comfortable when they were trapped by headlights.

"Giles, it's ok, there's nothing to worry about." Buffy tried to calm him down, but it didn't look like she was doing a very good job.

"Really, because, from where I'm standing it looks like you've just let a dangerous murderer inside my house. I must remember to send a thank you card." He was walking backwards, but where he thought he was going to go I have no idea. I don't think he knew either.

"Giles, look, can I talk to you a minute?" She turned around and smiled at me. "You want to grab yourself a soda and make yourself comfortable?"

I ignored the outraged yelp from the other side of the room, and smiled back. "Sure B, take all the time ya need."

*****

So I was sacked out on the couch, idly flipping channels and swigging a Coke when B and Giles returned from their little talk in the back room.

"Ah, well, Faith, Buffy tells me that you and she have come to ah, an understanding."

I nodded. "Yeah, B's been really great about the whole thing. Um, look Giles, I'm ... sorry about all the trouble I've caused. I know it isn't going to be easy to try to make up for everything, but B and I really want to help each other this time." I stuck my hands in my jacket pockets to keep them from shaking. I hate it, I mean I can stare down vampires and demons who want to rip me limb from limb, but the minute I have to think about my own feelings, much less share 'em, I go all stressy.

No one spoke for a long time after that. Finally, Giles said, "Well, I think what you are doing is admirable. If there's any way I can help, don't hesitate to let me know."

I couldn't believe it. I actually looked between Giles and B, wondering what the catch was. Why the hell should he forgive me that easy?

"What about the Council?" Buffy asked. She sounded scared, but she might have had good reason to be. She had to deal with those jagoffs while I was living it up as her.

"Yes, well, as far as the Council knows Faith has left town, and I have no plans to disabuse them of that assumption."

The phone rang, and Giles walked over to pick it up. After a sec, he held it out to Buffy. "It's your mother." He walked upstairs while Buffy started talking to her mom.

Oh, great. Someone else who I tried to hurt. If they all got together, they could probably throw a pretty wicked party.

"Oh, ok mom. Ok. No problem. Love you too. Bye." Buffy set the phone down. "Mom's going away to Chicago for a few days, and wants us to house-sit."

I grimaced. "Somehow, I don't think she wants _us_ to house-sit."

"Yeah, well..." B frowned. "It's...going to take some convincing on my part to get you both in the same room again. My mom can be a little stubborn."

"Hey, no big deal, huh B? I was actually wondering why the rest of you weren't being stubborn too." I shrugged and looked at the floor, unable to look her in the eyes. I just couldn't accept the fact that she was willing to forgive me, I just had to question it, didn't I? They always told me I never knew when to shut the fuck up.

"Hey," Buffy said in that soft voice of hers. She walked around the couch until she was standing right there in front of me, looking up with those mascara'd eyelashes, her slightly parted lips, her hands holding mine... I swear, my brain almost short-circuited. "Faith, listen. You and I have really been through some rough things together, both good and bad. We've saved each others' lives, and we've tried to take them, too. That night...at the graveyard, I looked into your eyes and saw something that I didn't ever think I would see again.

"You weren't mad, you weren't mean, you were just...Faith. And I figured if you could be just Faith, and I could be just Buffy, then maybe we could be friends and none of that old stuff would matter anymore.

"That's why I'm not being stubborn about the whole thing. I just want it so that none of that old stuff matters, and the only thing that counts is what's happening right now. Does that make sense?"

I swallowed hard, and looked up at the ceiling. For two reasons, one was that I couldn't look into those eyes anymore, and the other was that I thought I was going to cry. Goddammit, I hadn't cried in years, I didn't want to start now. Weakling. Pitiful, pathetic fucking weakling, the minute someone starts to care about you, you fall into the same trap.

Something must've changed in my eyes, like a wall went up or something, because next thing I knew her hands were stroking my face, and she was saying, "Faith, please, _please_ don't shut me out again." And I looked down at her, and her eyes were filling up with tears. She was scared, scared that she was going to lose me.

And that was it. I sank down to the floor, dragging her down with me, buried my face in her shoulder, and cried.

She put her arms around me, and held me like that for god knows how long. When I finally stopped, it felt like someone cut this big iron band that had been tightening across my chest ever since I could remember. I took a deep breath and B, with minimal movement, managed to snag a kleenex from the box on the table and give it to me.

"Wow, you must do this a lot," I said, blowing my nose. Ick.

"Only for my bestest friends," she told me, smiling. "So, do you mind house-sitting with me? I hate to do it alone, and I think Willow is going to need her space if she's going to get any sleep at all."

I grinned. "Yeah, you're probably right. Sure, B, I'd be happy to."

"Terrific!" She actually sounded pretty excited. "We'll swing by my place and pick up some things, and then we'll head over."

"Lead the way."

*****

B was finished with the packing thing, and headed off to use the bathroom one last time before we left. Red didn't seem disappointed at all that we weren't going to be roomies for the next few days; in fact, she seemed downright relieved.

As soon as B left the room, I got up and walked over to where Red sat working on her computer. My sudden moves earned me a couple of cautious looks. "Red, uh, I mean, Willow? Can I talk to you a sec?"

She looked at me suspiciously, kinda looking like she wanted to keep her distance. "Um, sure."

"Cool. Look, I'm really sorry about all the stuff from before. I mean, I was pretty nuts back then, and did a lot of stuff I shouldn't have. I know the things I did hurt you pretty bad, and...I'm sorry." I waited for her answer, but never got one. I looked at her, but she just kept looking at me, kinda surprised now. Oh well, guess I should have kept talking. "I'm really sorry for the holding you at knifepoint thing, and for the hitting you thing. And the kidnapping thing. And Buffy told me that you probably didn't like the screwing Xander thing, either, so I'm sorry for that too.

"I guess what I really want is for another shot. I'll try not to screw this one up like I did the last one." I stopped, and looked at her again. She was chewing her bottom lip like she didn't know what to say. "You know, if you don't say something, I'm just gonna keep talking."

That made her smile, and she looked at me and nodded. "Ok. I can't promise anything, but I'll try."

"Thanks. You're wicked cool, Red." Just then, Buffy came back into the room. What can I say, the chick's got an incredible sense of timing.

"Ready to go?" She asked.

"Let's motor."

*****

We did the bus thing over to B's place; she said that her mom already left for the airport, so we didn't have to worry about that little scene yet. We went in, and Buffy grabbed a note that was taped to the back of the door.

"It's from my mom. 'Thanks for housesitting, I really appreciate it. There should be plenty of food in the fridge for the next few days, if not I left some money for you you-know-where. All the hotel information is on the fridge. Have a good time, love, Mom.' Cool, let's see what's in the fridge."

I started to get that feeling back again, that jealousy which drove me nuts; it kept telling me that I had nothing while Buffy had everything.

"C'mon," Buffy said, grabbing my hand to drag me into the kitchen. "Are you hungry? I can cook...well, sorta. A few things, anyway." She smiled at me and I blinked; I realized that I didn't have nothing after all, I had her.

We sat in front of the TV eating our sandwiches, which was one of the only things that Buffy could "cook". I couldn't complain, though, it beat the hell out of what I was eating the past few days, which was a big nothing since I didn't have any money.

"This is great!" I could tell B was totally excited. "We can run a quick patrol tonight, and then come back here and do the slumber party thing."

"Sounds wicked, B...if I knew what the slumber party thing was."

"You know, the slumber party thing! Eat ice cream, watch movies until late, talk, do each other's hair..." She must've caught my alarmed look. "Ok, we don't have to do each other's hair. But I assume the rest of it is acceptable?"

I smiled and shrugged. "Sure, I guess. Slumber me."

*****

Our patrol that night was quick and uneventful, meaning: _dull_. A few new vamps, but mostly it seemed like everything dark and disgusting had decided to hightail it out of town. When I mentioned it, Buffy said it was probably because of Adam.

It didn't take long before we were back at Buffy's pad, ready to begin the slumber party thing.

"This is going to be great. Just two bachelorettes, Buffy Summers and Faith..." Here it comes, I thought. "Um, I don't think I ever learned your last name."

"That's cuz I don't have one." I walked over to the couch and turned on the TV.

Buffy followed me. "Don't have one? Everyone has a last name, well, except for Cher, Prince, and Madonna, but even they have last names, they just don't use them..."

I sat down heavily, eyes still fixed to the TV. "Well, I don't, ok? Last names...last names are for people who have families." End of discussion. Not for Buffy, obviously. She looked at me, wanting to ask something, I could just tell. Finally I broke down and said, "What?"

"What happened with your family?"

I just shook my head. "Look, this is supposed to be a party, right? So what are we supposed to do now?"

She seemed to accept that, at least for the time being. "Well, now we change into our pajamas and make some killer sundaes." I laughed, and B gave me a look like I was crazy. Now it was her turn to ask, "What?"

"I don't wear PJ's, B."

She looked at me all puzzled and shit, and asked, "What do you wear-- Oh." Finally it dawned on her, and she closed her mouth. "Um, well I can lend you some sweats or something." Blushing furiously, she ran upstairs to her room.

Still laughing, I just shook my head and followed her.

*****

The evening was a lot of fun, actually. More fun than I thought it would be. We ate ice cream, and B almost had a sexual experience with the hot fudge. I didn't realize she really flipped for that stuff. The movies were ok, a no-brainer Jackie Chan movie and a couple of comedies. We were halfway through the "South Park" movie when I looked over and saw that B was dozin'.

I nudged her. "I can't believe you can sleep through this. It's fuckin' hilarious."

She blinked and yawned. "Guess I'm just really tired. Maybe it's time to hit the sack." I shrugged and turned off the tv. I started re-arranging the pillows on the couch, and she stopped me. "What are you doing?"

"Um, I'm making up the couch so I can sleep? You really need to work on that observance thing, B."

"Most emphatically not," she said, grabbing my hand. "According to slumber party rules, sleeping must be done in the same room." She dragged me upstairs to her bedroom. "There is a certain protocol to sleeping at slumber parties, and you need to be very careful in following it lest you bring down the wrath of the Slumber Party Gods."

"B, I think I'll be more comfortable on the couch than on the floor."

She gave me a look that was pure "Duh." "You don't sleep on the floor at a Slumber Party. Not unless the bed is already taken." She pulled back the blankets on her Queen-size bed.

Oh no. No way. "I don't think that's a good idea." Yeah, like I'd get a hell of a whole lot of sleep next to _her_.

"Why not?" I couldn't answer her, not without spilling my guts, which I was most definitely _not_ willing to do. "See? You don't even know why not. C'mon Faith, open up and relax for a change." She jumped into bed and pulled the blankets over her. "Turn off the light, would ya?"

I stood there for a minute, looking at the bed like it was one gigantic pit viper. Oh well. How bad could it possibly be, right? I flipped the lights off, and climbed into bed next to her.

I spent the next half hour tossing and turning. I couldn't sleep, not surrounded by the whole _Buffy_ thing, and every time I moved my sweats kept bunching up. So I spent half my time getting comfortable, and the other half getting uncomfortable.

"If you keep that up, I'm going to need Dramamine." I heard B's voice next to me, and I turned to look at her, bunching up the sweats again.

"Not my fault," I grumbled. "Told ya I wasn't used to wearing this stuff." I growled and tried to pull the ankles of my sweats back down to my ankles, instead of my knees.

Buffy laughed. "If they're bothering you that much, just take them off."

I froze. She couldn't have possibly said what I thought she did. "What?"

She seemed a little flustered; I would have bet money that she was blushing, but I couldn't tell in the dim light. "Um, it's just that I don't want you to be uncomfortable. If you're more comfortable...I mean..."

I sat there for a minute, trying to decide whether to really do it, or just leave and sleep on the couch. Part of me wanted to leave, and not mess up my life with yet another complication, but... "Ok, B, you asked for it. Um, let me know if you're uncomfortable, ok?"

"Ok."

I sat on the edge of the bed, and stripped the sweats and t-shirt off, keeping them close by so I could wear 'em the next morning. I slipped back under the blankets, sighing with relief.

"Better?" Buffy's voice didn't give anything away.

"Yeah, much. Thanks, B."

"Goodnight, Faith."

"'Night...Buffy."

*****

That night the nightmares came back, as usual.

I woke up and Buffy was shaking me. I was sweating, and I noticed B looked really scared. I sat up, pulling my knees up under my arms to try to get myself to stop trembling. Dammit, there was no way I was going to let this get to me again.

B put her arms around me, and I stiffened up as soon as she touched me. Goddammit. I took a deep breath to try to relax, and I forced myself to lean on her.

After I calmed down a little bit, I felt Buffy lean her cheek against the top of my head. "Want to talk about it?"

"What's to talk about? Same shit, as always." I didn't move, though. It just felt so good to have her arms around me.

"You were yelling out, asking someone to stop hitting you. I-I guess I was hoping the dream wasn't about...me."

Oh god, she thought... "No!" I said, pulling back from her all of a sudden. "No, no way, B. It wasn't you, it was just..." God, I felt sick to my stomach and for a second all I could do was fight it down. I finally took a deep breath and decided I couldn't keep it from her anymore. At least our time together was fun while it lasted.

"My...my mom was an alcoholic, ever since I could remember. My dad, at least I think he was my dad, couldn't take it anymore, so he left. I guess he couldn't take _me_ anymore either, cuz he left me with my mom. I think I was five or six when that happened.

"My mom never remarried or anything, but I must've had about twenty or thirty 'uncles'. One of 'em, I don't know who it was, started bringing my mom drugs, and food became pretty scarce around our place. She started spending all our money on drugs. My mom and me never had the best relationship, but once she started getting high, she started really getting mean. If I didn't do something, even if she never asked me to, she'd beat me, with a length of broomstick. Said I was a worthless piece of shit, and I'd always be one unless she could straighten me out." I felt Buffy's hand on my shoulder, but I just shook my head. "The beatings weren't so bad, I mean, I got into a lot of fights at school, and I was used to dishing it out and taking it. Gets to the point where you don't even notice the bruises anymore." I had to take a deep breath at this point. God, if Buffy didn't think she was a pathetic lowlife before, she would now. "I think I was twelve the first time one of my 'uncles' 'noticed' me. He--" I stopped, clearing my throat. When I started again, my voice was rough. "He screwed me. Kept calling me a whore the whole time, telling me I liked it. My...my mom found us, and he told her to fuck off, told her he had some drugs for her in his jacket. So she did, she just left.

"Probably figured I was already fucked up, may as well finish the job, right?

"He...he kept coming back for as long as he and my mom were together. As long as he brought her drugs, she never said shit to him about it. After he took off, I guess she missed the drugs, cuz she--" I squeezed my eyes shut tight and dug the knuckles of my fists into my eyelids, trying to stop the tears. Didn't work. "She started offering me to her boyfriends if they'd bring her more.

"I tried hiding, tried running away, but funny thing about that, the cops always bring you back. I would have tried to OD, but I didn't want to touch the stuff my mom was into, I guess I was afraid I'd end up like her. Finally I did run away, and the cops never caught me."

I could feel my heart pounding in my ears. After all this time, it still felt like fucking yesterday.

"Faith..." Buffy's voice was quiet. I wanted to look at her, but I couldn't. Not now.

"Maybe you're unclear as to the custom involved here, but this is where you tell me what a pathetic piece of shit loser I am for letting those things happen to me, B."

She was quiet for a long time. Probably wanted to say that, but was wondering how to do it in a 'Buffy' kinda way. "Actually, what I was going to say was that you are the most incredibly brave person I ever met."

What? I slowly opened my eyes to look at her. I could see the tears streaming down her cheeks even in the dim light. When I finally looked in her eyes, there wasn't any disgust there, just sadness and intensity.

She stroked my cheek with the back of her hand. "Listen to me, nothing that happened to you was your fault. You trusted those people to take care of you, and they were monsters. None of it was your fault, because there wasn't anything you could do.

"You're a survivor, Faith. You've gone through things that I could never imagine in my worst nightmares. And you kept yourself together. I couldn't have done that. You're strong and brave in ways that have nothing to do with you being a Slayer, and everything to do with you being Faith.

"I'm proud that you consider me your friend."

I sat there looking at her for a minute, trying to kick-start my brain. Finally, I said, "That's the best euphemism I've ever heard for 'pathetic loser', B. You're really damn good at this, it almost sounded like a compliment."

She just smiled at me and lay back down, bringing me with her. I wrapped an arm around her stomach and she tightened the arm she had around my shoulders. "I will die before I let anyone hurt you like that again, Faith." Her voice was quiet, but I knew she meant every word down to her bones. "I hope you know that."

"I know I can trust you," I said. I listened to the sound of her heartbeat until I finally fell asleep again. And I didn't have any more dreams.

*****

When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was that there was an arm around me, holding me tightly. I shifted around a little, and the arm tightened its hold. I wasn't sure how to feel about that.

I opened my eyes and took a look around, noticing that my face was buried in a blonde-hair covered shoulder. I shut my eyes again, remembering what happened during the night. Ah, hell. So much for not scaring her off.

Buffy let out a big yawn, and I looked up at her. I almost felt guilty for all the weakness I showed her the night before. Way to go, Faith.

She just smiled. "Good morning." Even when she was awake, she didn't seem to want to let me go. Hmm.

"Mornin'," I said to her. "Listen, about last night...I'm sorry I laid all that rough stuff on you. It wasn't cool."

She tipped my head up so she could look me in the eyes. Damn, I hate that. "You don't ever have to feel sorry about that. I'm glad you felt close enough to me that you could tell me."

"Yeah, well, it's harder to get closer than we are right now," I joked. It was about then that we both realized we were hugging each other, and I was still totally buck.

Buffy blushed to her ears, and fixed her eyes on her ceiling. I chuckled a little bit and slid over to the side of the bed. I picked up the t-shirt and sweats laying there, and put them on. Once I was decent, or as close as I ever get, I laid back down next to Buffy. "Thank you."

She looked at me curiously. "For what?"

"Being here for me. You don't know how many times I've had that same goddamn nightmare, and I usually wake up scared and completely alone."

She raised a hand to brush my hair out of my face. I don't know what she does, but every time she touches me it's electric. "I'm glad I was here. I'm sorry you ever had to go through that alone."

I shrugged. "Hey, my choice, right? I'm just glad I finally made the right one for a change."

She nodded at me. "Me too. Hey, are you hungry? I can fix pancakes. At least, theoretically."

I laughed. "Yeah, this I gotta see."

*****

The pancakes were actually pretty good, after she stopped burning them. We sat in front of her TV eating pancakes and watching Sunday morning cartoons.

"This is so much better than when I was a kid," she was saying. "They didn't used to have any decent cartoons on Sundays, it was all church shows and news shows."

"That bites," I agreed.

We sat there watching cartoons for awhile, and I caught her looking at me. "What?" I asked, looking over at her.

She seemed to blush a little, and she looked back at her plate. "Nothing."

Interesting. I just shrugged, and went back to eating. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her looking at me again. "Ok, what is it?" I turned to face her.

She froze. "Um, it's just..." The phone rang. "I'll get it!"

Saved by the bell.

A few minutes later, she came back in to the living room. "That was Giles, he wanted me to drop a book off this afternoon. Um, Faith? Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Back when Angel came back, I tried to hide him from my friends, because I was afraid how they were going to react. It turned out it really hurt them, though, when I did that. I guess what I was wondering..."

"You want to call a little 'Super Friends' meeting, and let everyone know I'm in town?"

She dropped her head, like she felt guilty or something. "Well, like Willow and Giles already know, but... I just want everything to be ok between you and my friends. I think we've gone a long way already, but..."

"Sure, B. I'm up for it. I need to work things out with Xander anyway, right? I'm just wondering if Riley is going to be included in this little party."

She couldn't look me in the eyes when I mentioned him. I was used to that, but not from her. "I'm not sure what to do about Riley."

"I thought you like, loved him or something." I wasn't thrilled about this, and my voice probably gave it away, cuz she gave me a pretty intense look.

"I do...I think, but..." She was chewing her bottom lip something fierce. "I just need to think about what's going on. I can't deal with a confrontation right now."

Well, not what I hoped, but still it was fair enough. "Ok, guess we'd better get these dishes done and head over. You gonna call Giles and tell him to put up the storm windows?"

"The what?"

I couldn't help laughing at the confused look on her face. "Californians," I said with mock disgust.

*****

A phone call, a few dishes, and a couple of showers later, we were on our way to Giles' place. B lent me a black t-shirt and jeans since the only clothes I had were the ones I had been living in for the past few days. One of these days I'd have to go back to my place and get my stuff, but I wanted to make sure the cops were long gone by then.

We were the first ones to get there, which was fine as far as B was concerned. She wanted me to hang out upstairs until she got things pretty smoothed over.

Why the hell was I doing this? I mean, her friends had meant pretty much squat to me before. Actually, I realized that wasn't quite true. I mean, her friends were willing to accept me even before B did.

I thought about all the days and nights I spent in that crappy motel room after patrol. Wishing I had friends to hang with. Even being jealous that they all got to hang out in High School--which was saying a hell of a lot, cuz I hated school. But I just had to keep my fucking distance, didn't I? Pretend like the loneliness was no big, even when it was killing me.

That was why I was doing this. I may be a masochist sometimes, but I'm not stupid.

I heard a knock at the door, and voices from downstairs. I crept down the stairs a bit, still around the corner and out of sight, but I could hear everything perfectly.

"Hey Xander, Anya. C'mon in."

"Hey Buffster. So what's this meeting all about? Big demon news? Ooh, cookies!"

"Yeah, help yourself. I'll fill you all in as soon as Willow shows up."

"Oh, they were right behind us. She had a friend with her, though."

"Probably Tara. They've been inseparable lately." I snickered. You can say that again, B. Probably joined at the hip. B opened the door, and let Willow and Tara in.

"Hey Buffy! Xander, Anya." That would be Red. "Everyone, this is Tara. She knows all about, you know, everything. She helped Buffy get her body back during the Faith thing."

"Hi." Geez, her voice was so quiet I could barely hear her, even with Slayer hearing.

"Hi Tara, nice to meet ya. So what's up, Buff?"

"I wanted all of you together at once, because I have something to tell you. I wanted to thank you for everything you guys did to help during the whole Faith 'incident'." You could almost hear the little quote marks. "And you guys know that after I got my body back, Faith took off."

"Yeah, good riddance to premium homicidal lunatic material, huh?" I think the whole room went quiet at that point. I could only imagine the stares Xander was getting. "What? Am I right, or what?"

"No, Xander, you're not. As I was saying, Faith took off, but she's back now."

"What?!"

"Xander, please, let Buffy finish." Giles was sounding as subdued as I've ever heard him.

"She and I want to deal with all the bad stuff that happened between all of us, instead of just fighting about it. I've forgiven her for what she's done, and she's done the same for me."

"I've forgiven her too." Wow, didn't expect Red to jump to my defense, that's for sure. "I don't know why, but something was different about her."

"So, instead of slitting your throat, she's going to wait until she can stab you in the back, is that right?"

"Xander--"

"No, B, it's ok," I said, walking downstairs. Figured as entertaining as this all was, it was past due for me to weigh in. "He's right. He has no reason to trust me. Not after what I did to him." I looked over at Xander, and raised my head up. I was more than willing to apologize, but I was going to do it on my terms. "I'm sorry, Xander. I can't explain away what I did, but I am sorry."

He didn't stop staring at me, and I returned his stare. "She-she's telling the truth." I turned around and looked at Tara, surprised that Red's mousy friend said anything. Glad that she did, but still.

Buffy agreed, apparently. "She is. I believe her."

Xander looked around the room, but Red and Giles were both nodding. He finally mumbled, "I...I gotta think about this. I gotta go." He and Anya left pretty fast.

"Well, that could have gone better." Buffy looked like the whole thing tired her out.

"You did the right thing, Buffy." Giles said. "He'll come to forgive Faith in time."

I walked over to Tara. "Listen, thanks for the back-up there. Look, I'm sorry." I was saying that a whole hell of a lot lately, and it was starting to annoy the shit out of me. "For the stuff I said at the Bronze, I mean. I'm sorry."

Red gave us both this puzzled look. "What did she say?"

I swear Tara blushed down to her ankles. "W-w-w-well, she--"

I shrugged it off. "Just some crappy stuff about, you know, you and her. It was a lame thing to do, but I was just pretty surprised, you know? I mean, c'mon Red, I never pegged you for a--" I finally caught the horrified look that Tara was throwing at me. Oh, shit. I turned around to look at B, but she was just hiding her face in her hands. I think she was laughing, but I couldn't prove it. "Okay," I said, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "Someone is going to have to catch me up on _everything_ that has happened for the past eight months, and I'm not saying one more goddamn word until they do."

*****

"And how was I supposed to know that Red and Tara weren't doing the down and dirty?"

B smirked at me. "You want to try for distance now? I think there are some people left who didn't hear you."

"Oh, like there's anyone alive around here to hear." We were walking through a cemetery, running a quick patrol before bedtime. "That was pretty quick thinking on your part, though, B. Telling Red that I was talking about her being Wiccan and all."

"Yeah, well, Willow isn't stupid. She and Tara are definitely going to need to talk. I just hope everything works out for them."

"Oh, no worries. I'm sure they'll be boinking each other in no time."

B laughed. "You're such a romantic."

"The word is realist. Two red-blooded teenagers can't keep their hands off of each other for very long, regardless of what their gender is."

"Oh, is that right?"

I nodded confidently. "Of course."

"And what experience do you have with that, Dr. Faith?"

"I've been around." I shrugged. "Men, women, it's all pretty much the same. Well, similar but different, you know?"

"No, I don't," she said, giving me a weird look. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you've done guys so I don't have to explain that to you, at least. With women, everything is softer. More sensual. Even obvious differences aside, you never forget you're with a woman, even if you're only kissing her. You know?"

B stopped and looked at me. "You keep saying that. No, I don't know. I mean, how different could a kiss be? Some are better than others, but..."

Oh man. I knew I probably shouldn't, but she was handing it to me on a goddamn silver platter. Not my fault. I took a step forward, real close to her now, and said, "Only one way for you to find out."

She stared at me. Well, it was a bonus, at least she wasn't running away. After a minute, she said, "Ok. Purely academic curiosity, mind you."

I nodded. "Completely." She was looking up at me expectantly, her lips parted just a little bit. Perfect. I reached up and ran the tips of my fingers down the sides of her face, and moved in slow, giving her enough time to back off if she wanted to. Only, she never did. My lips touched hers and they were soft, yielding. She didn't respond for a minute, and then I let my hands drift down her sides to her waist. I pulled her closer to me and I felt her moan, even though I didn't hear it. She started kissing me back, and damn if I couldn't form a coherent thought after that.

After several seconds of that, I pulled back. Always leave 'em wanting more. She looked up at me, only she wasn't surprised or horrified or anything. She was calm, like that was the reaction she was expecting all along. "Well, that was something," she said.

I smirked. "Something good or something bad?"

She didn't answer. "Come on, let's get going."

*****

That night, we slept in the same bed again. It was like it was assumed, or something. Neither one of us really wanted to be alone.

B's alarm woke us up way too early. "I've got classes all morning... You want to meet at the Campus Deli for lunch?" B was doing the getting ready thing, and I was trying to block out the sunlight with a pillow over my face. I mumbled something which basically sounded like "Yeah", and she said, "Great! See you then."

The next thing I knew, I rolled over and the clock read 11:15. Shit. I had to hustle to get ready and over to campus before noon. I didn't make it, but I wasn't _too_ late. I spotted B already sitting down, and right next to her was Beefstick. Crap.

I did the stealthy thing, and managed to get close enough to hear what they were saying. Their faces were all serious, so I guessed it wasn't good news for Beefstick.

"I don't understand, everything was fine a few days ago."

"A lot has happened since then, Riley. I-I just need time to deal with all of it."

"You mean Faith. Frankly, I don't get the big deal here, Buffy. Do you think I cheated on you or something? If anything, I cheated _with_ you!"

"No, it's not just that. I mean, that didn't make me very happy, but that's not the only reason I need a break right now. Look, I'll call you in a couple of days, ok?"

"Yeah, ok." Beefstick looked pretty pissed when he left. Then again, I suppose I would be too if B just told me to take a hike. I waited a couple of minutes more, and then walked up to the table.

"Hey, B. Sorry I'm late, I kinda overslept. A lot."

"That's ok. Actually, I'm kinda glad you're late. I ran into Riley a few minutes ago." She was quiet; I bet the whole Riley thing got to her. She's not used to dumping guys, just boinking them and having them turn evil.

"Oh yeah? Things five by five between you two?"

"No, things are most definitely not five by five. I told him I needed a break from our relationship. Just until I figure things out."

"What's to figure out?" I took a bite out of the roast beef sandwich she got for me. My favorite. I wonder why she remembered.

She just shrugged, and started eating her own sandwich.

"B, you need to find the fun. I mean yeah, this thing with Beef--er, Riley sucks. But you need to have a night out, something to clear your head, you know?"

She looked at me, but didn't object. "What do you suggest?"

I winked at her. "You'll find out tonight."

*****

I could feel the music through the soles of my boots a long time before we could actually hear it. The pounding bass carried through the sidewalk like some earthquake aftershock. "Where are we?" Buffy asked me.

I just smiled, and looked B up and down. She'd let me dress her for once, and I chose black denim jeans, docs, and a white t-shirt to contrast with my black one. She looked good, I thought, although Buffy always looked good. But this was good in a take-no-shit, pastels-be-damned way.

I walked down the stairs to the basement rave, pulling B along after me. The sign above the door read "The Succubus". I had found it during one of my long, aimless, lonely walks around the bad parts of town, and immediately fell in love with it. I mean, the Bronze was ok, but it just wasn't "it", you know?

I tossed a five dollar bill at the bouncer, a skuzzy, bearded man with a hungry look. He looked us over, and I can't say I blame him.

The club echoed with deep, pounding rhythms that I could feel down to my bones. Buffy was looking around, she was probably surprised. This wasn't a "safe" club, where yuppie kids could come and shoot pool, and order mochas. I laughed out loud. Far from it.

I led her past dancing couples, and couples that just ditched the pretense of dancing and were groping each other on the dance floor. You'd never seen so many piercings and tattoos in one place before, I swear. I put my arm around B's waist, just so I could guide her better through the dark club. Yeah, right. We got to the bar, and grabbed two empty seats.

Buffy leaned over and yelled in my ear, "What are we doing here?" It was almost impossible to hear each other over the music.

I just shot her another of my knowing smiles. "We're looking for a demon."

"What kind of demon?" Buffy was in Slayer mode now, eyes scanning the crowd for danger.

"You'll know it when you see it." I nodded at the bartender who brought over a glass of Coke and a bottle of beer. I set the beer down in front of Buffy.

"Oh, no, I had that lesson taught me the hard way," Buffy said, pushing the beer away. "I'll just have what you're having."

Too fucking hilarious. Well, she asked for it. I signaled the bartender to bring another Coke for Buffy. B took a sip of the soda, and grimaced. "This tastes funny."

"Must be the water they use," I told her, taking a long drink. "You'll get used to it."

She seemed to be getting used to it already. Buffy's second drink was a much longer one.

The song changed to a fast, dark, techno song with a pounding dance beat. Sisters of Mercy. Perfect. "C'mon," I said, grabbing Buffy's hand. "Let's dance."

"Out there...just the two of us, I mean?" Buffy looked at me blankly.

I just smiled at her. "It's not like we haven't done more than that, just the two of us." She blushed. "C'mon, it's not like anyone here cares anyway."

I pointed at the dance floor, which had more than a few same-sex couples out there. She finally allowed me to lead her out there, among the dancing couples and swirling clove-smoke. God, I love this. It's been way too long.

Buffy started dancing, and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Every move was graceful, even when she was moving fast and wild like she was now.

Pretty soon I noticed that B was watching me too, and I danced closer. Pulling out all the moves now, my eyes locked with hers. "You up for this, B?"

Buffy couldn't tear her eyes away from mine. "I'm up for anything, F."

Time for checkmate. I smiled, and danced closer, stepping around behind her. B kept dancing, and I put my hands on her hips, feeling them sway back and forth to the beat. I think she stopped breathing; I know I had. She shocked me by pushing back against me, covering my hands with hers.

I buried my face in blonde hair, inhaling deeply, that smell which was only Buffy. I flicked my tongue out, brushing Buffy's ear with it. "You find that demon yet, B?" I whispered.

Buffy groaned deep in her throat and before I knew what was happening, turned so she was facing me. She grabbed my shoulders and pushed me back until I felt the wall of the club behind me. It was painted black and reeked of clove, tobacco and sex. Buffy inhaled deeply, and dove in toward me, kissing my neck and jawline. "What do you think?"

It was checkmate, all right, but I was the one who had been mated. So to speak. I rested my head against the wall, barely able to catch my breath. "I think you found it, all right."

She ground her hips against mine one last time. "Glad to hear it," she said, laying one more kiss on my nose. She brought her hand up to stroke my face. "C'mon, I'm thirsty. What kind of water did they put in that Coke, anyway?"

I grinned. "It's called Jack Daniels."

*****

I woke up to a fairly familiar searing pain behind my eyeballs. I groaned, wondering what the hell would possess B to have a bedroom that faced East, and not choose blackout curtains. I opened my eyes as little as possible and looked around.

B was still asleep, which wasn't all that surprising. I think we stumbled home at about 4 o'clock this morning. I rolled out of bed and pulled on a t-shirt and some clean underwear. First things first. I staggered downstairs, and filled a couple of glasses with water. It took a little looking around, but I found some aspirin soon enough. I popped a few, washing them down with a couple of glasses of water. I took the aspirin and water upstairs, figuring B would need them soon enough.

When I closed her bedroom door behind me, I saw her open up her eyes to look at me. She looked pretty miserable, I have to admit.

"C'mon, Sleeping Beauty," I said, offering her the aspirin and water. "This'll make you feel better."

"Ungh," was about all I could understand. She took the aspirin and downed the water in no time. She sat up, holding her head in her hands. "I've gone 15 rounds with a demon before and felt better than this. What happened?"

"You were drinking like a fish, that's what happened." I climbed up on the bed behind her, and massaged her shoulders. I don't know if it was helping, but she did relax a little. "I almost had to carry your Slayer-ass home."

"Wow. Last thing I remember you were talking about breaking your tequila shooter record."

"Yeah, and I did it, too. I appreciate the support you gave me with that, B. You were right there, all the way."

"Really? How many shots did I do before I had to stop?"

"Um, well, one. But it's not bad for your first time, hey?" She relaxed and leaned back against me, my hands dropping down to hold her around the waist. Goddamn, this was just too perfect. I didn't deserve it.

"First time? You mean, you want to do this again?"

"Don't you?" I frowned. I thought she had a good time.

"Well...yeah, I guess I do." I could feel her smile. "It was a lot of fun, not like the Bronze-hanging-out kinda fun, but more like a wild, impetuous, let-your-hair-down kinda fun. And a totally-pay-for-it-the-next-morning kinda fun."

"Yeah, well as soon as the aspirin kicks in, we'll go get something nice and greasy for lunch. It'll help, trust me." Her hair smelled like clove; it was stale, but it still turned me on. What didn't?

"There's only one problem with that plan."

"Hmm?"

"We'd have to move." She had a point.

I should have just let it go. Enjoyed the moment, the closeness that had been growing between us for the past couple days. So, of course, I didn't. "What...what's going on here, B?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean with us."

She was quiet for a hell of a long time. "I...I'm falling in love with you."

There it was. I'd wanted to hear her say that for so long now; dreamt about it, daydreamed and fantasized. It's what I worked for, fought for, since almost the moment I got to this shitty little town, even before I knew who Buffy Summers was.

She loved me. And I, in my crazy, totally fucked up way, loved her. I loved her more than anything.

That's why I couldn't let her do this.

I pushed her to the side, carefully, but firmly. Couldn't meet her eyes. Never liked much looking in them anyway. They were too beautiful, they saw right into me, right through me. I lived for them.

I started getting dressed, fast. I heard her say, "Faith, what's going on?" She sounded scared.

My voice was rough when I answered her. "Sorry, B. You know me. Get some and get gone, right? I can't do this."

"Can't do what?" I couldn't look at her, didn't even want to hear her. If I could have blocked out all things Buffy at that point, I would have. Would have made it easier.

"Can't do _this_. Can't do _love_. Don't you get it by now, B? I'm poison. Everything I touch dies." I knew I had to hurt her, really hurt her. Anger was a hell of a lot easier to deal with than pain. "'Sides, you'd be just another conquest to me, y'know? Just wanted to see if I could seduce you away from Beefstick. It was all a big game to me, B. Just a game." I laughed harshly. "Gotta admit, you really put up a fight there for awhile. But I had you broken. You would have given me everything, anything I asked for."

"I still would. I don't believe you, Faith. This wasn't a game to you." Her voice was calm, like she knew me better than I knew myself. Drove me crazy.

"Don't think so?" I was dressed now, and I walked up to where she was sitting in bed. I pushed her back, and straddled her hips. Leaned down and kissed her hard, slipping my tongue inside her mouth. God, it was electric. I felt her breathing hard now, responding to my every move.

I broke the kiss and sat up. Gave her a cold look and slowly climbed off the bed. Grabbed my jacket, and said, "Just a fucking game."

And then I left. I didn't look her in the eyes the whole time.

*****

I walked around for a long time, trying not to think about anything in particular. Buffy was mine, she would have given herself to me body and soul, just like I was willing to do with her all those months ago. The only difference was, she had something valuable to give. I didn't.

What did I have to offer her? One fucked up, homicidal Slayer. Can't deal with love, about the only thing I know is lust, and B doesn't need that.

So I pushed her away, probably one time too many. Damn, for her sake I hope it _was_ one time too many.

So what would I do now? Get the fuck outta Dodge, I guess. Move around until I finally found something that would kill me. Wouldn't be easy; like B said, I was a survivor. But it would happen eventually.

I walked to the docks, not really realizing I was doing it until I got there. About a year ago or so I was about to stow away on a freighter, but B stopped me. Said she never gave up on her friends. She should have given up on me, it would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. Even when people try to help me, it all turns to shit. I should have known better than to let B try again.

I sat on a crate which was pushed up against a warehouse wall; I was just waiting for sunset, 'till I could sneak on board and see where the freighter took me.

"Thought I might find you here."

Goddamn, it never ends, does it? Just keeps coming back to hurt you, 'till finally you put a gun barrel in your mouth or something. "Get the fuck outta here. I don't want you here."

"Tough," she said, "because I'm not leaving." She sat down next to me on the crate.

"Don't you get it yet? C'mon, B, you're not stupid."

"What's to get? I know that I love you. I'm pretty sure you love me. You're just pushing me away because you're afraid."

"You think I'm afraid of you? That's a laugh." I did, in fact; laugh, that is.

"No. I think you're afraid of us. You're afraid of letting someone in close enough to love you. Well, it's a little late for that, Faith. I already love you."

God, it didn't make this any easier every time I had to hear _that_. "Your loss, then."

"I don't think so. I think you're everything I could have ever hoped for, but never got until now."

I laughed harshly. "What, you a masochist or something, B? I can't go five minutes without hurting you."

I saw her shake her head out of the corner of my eye. "You're not hurting me, Faith. You're hurting yourself. You know what I see when I look at you?"

"No, but I bet you're gonna tell me."

"I see a very beautiful, very sexy, very intelligent woman. She's a woman who knows what she wants and goes after it, but she's always afraid of getting it. Because she thinks deep down that she doesn't deserve it.

"See, she's been told for so long that she's worthless that she believes it. Even though her friends like and admire her, she can't accept that. Has to chalk it up to pity, or delusion, or people trying to use her.

"Even though she ran away from her mother years ago, went a whole three thousand miles to get away from her, her mother still runs her life. Every single aspect of it. She still acts exactly as her mother expects her to."

_FUCK_! I clenched my jaw so hard I'm surprised I didn't shatter teeth. Every single goddamn word she said was true, and I knew it. "How the hell am I supposed to act, huh? I'm fucked up, B. There's no getting around that."

She put an arm around my shoulders, but I shrugged it off. "If you could believe your mother that you were worthless, and you hated her, why can't you believe me when I say you're worthwhile?"

I just shook my head. I felt my shoulders slump, like it took too much energy to keep 'em up right now. I felt her hand on my face, turning it to look at her.

Oh, god. Anything but that.

I looked right in her eyes -- those beautiful, hazel eyes that always broke down every defense I had. She leaned in and kissed me. It was a kiss like I had never felt before, with anyone; it was sweet, and yielding, and loving. No lust, no conquest, just love.

I couldn't get enough.

She broke the kiss slowly, and I had no idea how much time had passed. "You shouldn't do this to yourself," I said roughly.

"Do what? Be with the one person who can make me happy?"

"I'll never make you happy."

"You already have, Faith. More times than I can count. I bet you can do it again." She kept looking at me, never letting me look away. "Let me love you. Let yourself love me. You deserve it, Faith. After all this time, everything that has happened--you deserve it."

I just looked at her. "I do love you, Buffy. I can't stop."

*****

She brought me back home. Not that it was my home, just that I had started thinking of home as being wherever _she_ was. I wonder when that happened.

I dropped my jacket in her bedroom, and turned around to see her standing there, so very close to me. She looked up at me with those eyes, and I was paralyzed.

She wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me down into another kiss. This one just as sweet as the last. I wrapped my arms around her waist, letting them rest there. We stayed like that for a long time.

Finally, she pulled back, reaching down to unbutton my jeans. She guided me over to the bed and I sat down, completely stunned. She took off my boots and my jeans, setting them by the side of the bed. I just watched as she slipped off her tennis shoes, and undid her jeans, stepping out of them as they fell to the floor.

Buffy pushed me back and climbed on top of me, giving me another of those kisses. She was so light I barely noticed her weight on top of me. I reached up and pulled her shirt off, giving her a minute to lose her bra. She looked down at me, and all I could think of was that she was so beautiful. Everything, the whole 'Want, Take, Have' thing, the whole 'Get some, get gone' thing, she banished them all. All I could think of was _her_: her beauty, her love, her happiness.

She was perfect. I still didn't think I deserved her, but I had promised her that I would try. I needed to show her how much she meant to me. Needed it, craved it. Nothing mattered now except for making her happy.

I lay her back down on the bed, covering her body with mine. I kissed her face, her throat, her chest. I finally covered one of her nipples with my mouth, running my tongue over it. I think I heard her gasp, and she arched against me. I let my hand drift down past her stomach, her abdomen, and gently slid my fingers inside, feeling how wet she was.

She moaned, and her head snapped back; I moved up and covered her lips with mine. My fingers never stopped, though, and I slipped two inside her, felt her hands tangle in my hair, pulling me down and kissing me, bruising me.

I thought I was going to die.

It was like the first time I never had, the way it always should have been. Something kept telling me it was no good, it would all get fucked up in the end. But I didn't listen. I couldn't listen, not with this goddess underneath me, whispering how much she loved me, how much she wanted me.

I brought her right to the edge, and over; I held her to me, her ragged breathing warming my neck.

I whispered, "I love you." And I felt her smile.

*****

We made love for the rest of the night. Yeah, that's right, made love. She gave back to me everything that I had given to her, and more. And when we were done, every impulse, every bit of ingrained habit told me I should just be showered and gone.

But I didn't go.

We laid there, and talked for a little while before we fell asleep. And I was there when she woke up, too. I think she was a little relieved to see that. So was I, actually.

See, I love Buffy. But I already said that, didn't I?

She is my goddess. Her love for me was my redemption. And if I didn't deserve it, then at least I could pretend.

...continued in The Faith Factor...