Damaged Too

by Eveh
Rating: PG-13

Author's Notes: A response to Please Don't Remember. B's Point of View

I'm going under this spell. Actually, I think I've been under it for a while now, I just didn't know what it was. There was always this feeling in the pit of my stomach that came whenever I saw you, thought of you, felt you near. It was this bomb in the center of me that was exploding my insides.

I think you're perfect by nature. Perfect even though you think yourself damaged. I know you stay away on purpose and I don't think you know how you've betrayed me. You've kept your loyalty and you've kept your promises but there's this truth that you've tried to get me to forget. I won't say the word…it's not mine to say.

Don't think that you can't change and don't think that you will change me, make me bad, make me evil. I'm damaged too. I've grown up not knowing anything except that there was a dream out there that called my name. It called me out of the place that was my prison.

I'd like to do the same for you. I'd like to call you out of the places you hide, but I don't know how. I think you've chased all the sanity I had left. I thought I knew things. I thought I knew everything.

You told me I was wrong and you were right. I know nothing. I don't even know what this feeling, this bomb inside is. I know it's growing and I don't ever think it will go away.

You hide yourself in the darkness and you don't think I know why. I hide away too. I hide in the light. Maybe if it shines too brightly it will blind people to what is really there. It will blind them to my confusion and it will blind them to my fear. I know that it's blinded you. The light is all you can see, but the darkness is all I know.

Pretending was always a good thing to play while I was young and lost. Pretend to be perfect. Pretend to be happy. Pretend to be the same. Pretend to be anything but me. They told me to put on a smile and hold my head up high, but never high enough to catch my breath.

You want the light I have? Is that why you watch me now? Do you want to stand there and take what isn't even mine? I'll give it to you. I don't know why, but I'll give you anything.

It's hard not understanding. It's hard not being experienced enough to understand. I know how to do things…incredible things. I know about things most people don't even know exist…yet I know nothing.

We need a turning point. We need that moment from the Fairy Tales when the Prince turns to the Princess and they know that their lives will be the happily ever after they both seek. We need that so that this confusion within me disappears into the blue sky and white clouds of the perfect day and perfect life.

Do you know that I've wished for a Fairy Tale my entire life? Do you know that my favorite Fairy Tale is Beauty and The Beast and in it I play the part of the Beast?

I know that you linger in my doorway. You stay there hoping that the whispers you tell me aren't heard. I just wish I understood.

Either make this bomb inside me go away or tell me how to have peace. Do you know peace? Do you think I'm peace?

You know I lie inside myself for hours. I stay in this mind of mine and get lost. When you pull me out I smile brightly because I have to hide the thoughts that plague me. All these thoughts and all these feelings and all these things I don't understand.

When I have the knowledge, when I know myself, one day I'm going to reach out my hand to you as you stand over me. I will reach out to you and pull you to me in the dark. It'll be our common ground. We'll be equals there because it's the place where we both dwell.

Until then you can stand in the darkness thinking you're alone, but there's so many things there that you can't see; like me.

...continued in Chaotic Harmony...