Crushing
by Fien
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns the characters, everything else is just
some horrible ideas from my sick imagination.
Author's Notes: Buffy/Faith of course, the story takes place some time
after dead things, where Faith is released out of prison, but I think
there aren't any spoilers in it.
Feedback: Anything, just be gentle. I am so fragile :-)
Where the hell was she? Why did she felt like hiding? Why did it seem like her knife was singing a siren song? Too irresistible to decline? Faith looked up and immediately wished she hadn't. She didn't know where she was, nor she wanted to know. It wasn't important though; more important was why she felt like her hearth was ripped out off her chest. She tried to remember why. She couldn't be feeling this bad, she was a tough girl, not? Flashes lighted up her mind and quickly she wished she'd never known, never know it happened, never know the intense hurting, never know she ever lived.
Shivers running up my neck Showing plain my inner act My throat so dry I cannot speak Thirsting for what I couldn't keep
Things were rough lately, while it begun so promising. She and her Buffy were together at last. Buffy came to her and in a moment of truth they confessed. Confessed their pain, confessed their sorrow, confessed their love. Never would she have expected that life could be so easy, knowing that the one you love, loves you back. Whispering sweet words 'for ever and a day', while looking in deep green pools, knowing that if lost, you'd have no intention to find a way back. Love so sweet you don't even think about pinching your arm, too afraid that even if it were a dream you'd lose everything one can wish for.
What I feel I cannot bear For my hearth its beat is dead Ceased cause you run away Not once looking back, too afraid to stay
But even dreams end and the wake-up calls are never pretty. Back in SunnyD we couldn't give up what we have found and continued our liaison, but this is where the mess began. Shame is a big thing and jealousy even more. One night on the cemetery we couldn't tame what was untameable. We made love, right there, not caring what was beneath us. Clichés are so true; we were young, reckless and so in love. Our wake-up call? Spike. Spike, spying on us. Spike catching us on a moment where one is meant to be lost in ecstasy. As confident I was in our love, as hopeless was she. Stuttering like a weasel, she lied. She lied about our love and lessened it to a simple urge. Something I forced upon her, as some bastard trying to make advantage of the unmistaken slayers lust.
You said it wasn't meant to be The kisses you gave, just for me The words you said, expressing true love The touches so primal as from above
Shame? Oh no, she wasn't ashamed to love a girl, cause frankly that was well accepted in their exclusive group. As stupid as it may seem she was simply ashamed off me. Ashamed cause they would never accept, nor value the love we had for each other. So she cut me off. Like a professional she skinned me without drawing blood. Hurt me in every way possible, every time thinking it couldn't get any worse. Torn me upside down by denying what we had. Laughed in my face when I told how much I loved her. Turned her back on my when I needed her the most.
How can I breath? My air no longer exists. How can I speak? No word will ever fit. How can I cry? No tear is left. How can I live? My love just fled.
This night was even worse though. I went to her, trying to convince her that what we had was real and couldn't be denied. Especially cause I knew that she loved me back. She looked at me as for the first time and cried. Took my face in her hands and told me she loved me, will always love me no matter what. But seeing her friends again, she was reminded yet again of a time where I couldn't control myself and wouldn't put her friends through that again even only in thought. She kissed me, a last goodbye. Said that she didn't want to see me again and if my love were true, I would respect her wishes and never come back.
You were the reason I didn't die For an addicted, her eternal shot You were my wings and I could fly But the ground beneath me says I cannot.
Maybe I was strong once; hardened by life, but now I am broken. I cannot bring myself to care anymore and long for peace. Not the peace where there is life after death, but peace in a way I will never know I ever existed. My hand shivers, together with the knife it holds. I saw so much blood in my life and was always fascinated by its trace. A shift and as light kisses it caresses my inner wrists, together with a single tear, the last offer to my true love. Warm fluid covers fear and conquers more and more of me, till I surrender and give in to my last temptation, the seducing dance and his eternal blackness.