Remembering
by Finding Faith
Rating: R

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine. They are Joss's blah blah blah.
Author's Notes: No spoiler action. Just alternate universe stuff. Buffy's POV. This was going to be a second part of 'Searching', but instead of a 2b, this is just another new part...
Dedication: Kristin, who keeps me warm and makes me smile, even from miles away.
Feedback: Let me know what you think.

My couch is huge. When did it get so big? Or, maybe it just seems that way, as Faith and I sit on opposite ends. Separated by so much space. But really, the distance between us can not be measured in feet, or inches. It is just there, not quantitative. But something we have, ourselves, created. Made because of all she will not say, and all I will not ask.

But not anymore. I can't take this anymore. And neither can she. Can't take the detachedness of our hearts. The loneliness when we are standing right next to each other. The way my hands find my pockets, instead of her fingers to entwine with, when we are walking along a quiet street. And the silence is huge, but any words seem empty.

Are we really going to talk? I've been planning ways to start this conversation, to say what I want to say, for days now, in my head. The same way she has been planning ways to avoid all of it. "I should patrol B." "I should train B." "Let's go to bed Buffy, we'll talk later." And I've allowed it. Because I am weak. But not anymore.

We are both in sweats and tank tops, the easiest attire after our shared shower. She fidgets in her spot. Getting comfortable, then moving, then getting comfortable again. I hardly notice that I am doing the same. But suddenly the familiarity of my surroundings hit me - the nervousness, Faith and I, my living room, my couch - and I'm brought back to our very first kiss. I allow myself to think about it. Buying more time maybe? I don't care, because the memory makes me warm, it gives me strength.

It was our first date really, if you could call it that. I had invited her in, after some random patrol. I wasn't tired, and I didn't want to sit up alone, by myself, again. It was the first time we had spent time together, just us, without being in a cemetery, without punching each other while sparring. It wasn't much of a big deal to me at first, just company, and I was simply glad for it. But her, there was something different about her as soon as she nodded yes when I asked her in. As soon as she walked through my door. I didn't know what it was then, but she was suddenly quite, polite. It was strange, but at the same time the most adorable thing I had ever seen.

I don't remember the movie we watched. Perhaps because it doesn't really matter. But I do remember how close we sat, on the couch. I remember how she looked at the TV, without really watching it. And when it was done, how she turned to me, to thank me for having her over. She had this look on her face, I think I knew what was coming. But as she leaned in, and softly touched her lips to mine, nothing could have prepared me for the feeling I was suddenly awash in. I remember how her bottom lip trembled slightly as we kissed, and how her hand found and laid gently on my thigh for the few seconds we were connected. The air stood still in that moment, my heart stood still. I had never thought about Faith that way before, but after, I never wanted to think about her any other way.

She had suddenly pulled back, and got up very quickly. She said she should go, and thanked me again. Her confidence was visible as it was leaving her. And as she turned and headed for the door I couldn't bear it. I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I did -not- want her gone. Her eyebrow rose as I asked her to stay, spend the night with me. I felt my cheeks turn red as I realized how that sounded.

But that night was not about sex. I remember how perfect her arm felt wrapped tightly around my waist. Her warm breath against the back of my neck. How every once and a while she'd nuzzle her nose against the back of my ear. Whenever she'd turn her head, her lips would brush against my shoulder. In the morning I did not wake up to my alarm clock, but to her hand in my hair, twirling it between her fingers. We were still spooned and I brought her hand up to my mouth to kiss her fingertips. We whispered in the dim light of my room. About nothing, about everything. She told me she had never woken up with anybody before. I told her I was glad she stayed.

My mother's voice yelling from downstairs, telling me that I needed to be ready for school was horribly intrusive and getting up from my bed that morning was extremely difficult. But I had turned to Faith's sleepy face and told her that I wanted her to stay, to keep the bed warm for me. She smiled and nodded and I kissed her. I showered and dressed and when I got back into my room she was sleeping. Her head peeking out from my covers and her dark hair strewn all over my white pillows. I leaned over her to lay a kiss on her temple.

She was beautiful that morning.

I fell in love that morning.

School was -

"Buffy."

I'm snapped out of my memory trip by Faith's voice. I stare at her a few seconds, trying to gather some form of a complete thought.

"Look B, if you want to talk, talk. Let's just get this over with." She is trying to sound bored, indifferent even. But I know her too well and that is not what she is feeling. However, I have to agree with her. I want to get this over with too.

I just hope she wants the same results I do.

I just hope she still wants *me*.

...to be continued...