Searching
by Finding Faith
Rating: R

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine. They are Joss' blah blah blah.
Author's Notes: No spoiler action. Just alternate universe stuff. Buffy's POV. This is the first of two parts to the "Searching" chapter. This continues directly after Gone.
Dedication: Kristin, who keeps me warm and makes me smile, even from miles away.
Feedback: Still not sure how this will turn out. Let me know what you think.

It slides down my skin. From the back of my neck, to my heels. I hold my hair up in a pile on the top of my head, so I can feel the stream beat against my shoulders. Water. Hot, steady water. It relaxes my body, while my mind's still a mess.

And before I can even begin to try and sort out that mess, I feel it. Sense it. She's outside the bathroom door, hesitating. In fact I can picture her face. The way her eyebrows shift down, and her nostrils flare just that little bit, when she's trying to make a decision. I love that face. And without realizing it, I allow the corners of my mouth to twitch up slightly. I smile.

But it drops as soon as I hear the door click softly as it opens. If Faith is in here for what I think she's in here for, I'll have to stop it. We have to talk. Talk about what is wrong with our love lately. It's like it's been held back, restrained. And it hurts. I can't let her ward off my words any more with wondering hands. With kisses that cover my mouth so she doesn't have to listen to things she doesn't want to hear. Things she doesn't seem to want to talk about. The door closes again behind her. I turn my face to the spray of the water.

Again I feel her hesitating, and knowing that she is probably looking at my form through the shower curtain is making me slightly uncomfortable. But then I hear the scrape of metal against metal as the curtain rings slide against the bar holding it up as it is opened, and closed again.

She is behind me, my back is to her. But then I feel her hands on my waist. She scoots up close to me, pulls me into her, and I don't resist it. I put my hands over her hands as she begins sliding them around my abdomen. Maybe we don't have to talk now.

She knows me. She knows my body so well. Her fingers go to places on my stomach that she knows will give me shivers. Her lips go to places on my neck that she knows will make my breath catch. I was going to stop her right? We needed to talk?

My hands lose track of hers, and I drop them to my sides, because there is no need to guide her. I drop my head to the side, to give her better access. Stop ... stop ... stop. Her hands go to my chest and they cup around me perfectly, thumbs stroking, fingers massaging. I feel her teeth scrape against my pulse point and I'm completely hers. Her mouth and hands don't let up for several minutes.

We needed to talk. The water is so warm against my front, and she is so warm against my back, and we need to stop.

It's when her hand falls between my legs that I finally snap out of it.

"Faith, stop."

She doesn't stop. She brings her mouth close to my ear to kiss, to whisper.

"What's wrong baby?"

I put my hands over hers again, and gently start pulling them away.

"I don't ... we need to talk Faith."

And for the shortest second, I feel her shoulders slump against me, because I know she knows what I'm trying to bring up. But the second is finished, and she starts up again, with a sexy, playful voice that makes it hard for me not to turn around and kiss her smirking mouth.

"What? You want to talk -now-?"

And as she's asking she spins me around and wraps her arms around my waist and turns me, to press me up against the shower wall. And oh, her stomach is pressed against mine and her breasts are pressed against mine and her thighs are scissored with mine and...

"Yes, now."

"Well, what do you want to talk about?"

She leans back, to look at me, and has a smile on her face. But there is something wrong with the look she is giving me. I can see it. There is something wrong with her smile. It's fake. She's scared right now. She is scared and so am I.

"What are you doing?"

And that's when it falls. Her smile, her face, her whole head. She drops her face to my shoulder, placing a small kiss there. I assume she is doing it so she doesn't have to look me in the eyes. Her arms loosen around me. Her voice is quiet when she speaks.

"I'm trying to make things better."

"Sex doesn't make things better, Faith."

She lifts her head up again, and now she's not even trying to fake a smile. In fact her frown is out in full force. Maybe that was a little harsh. But it's the truth. Whenever I've tried to talk to her in the past few weeks, she has smothered me with sex. I've never complained, no. But it has to stop now.

However, standing in the shower, naked, with her pressed against me, is not how I was planning on having this conversation. I speak before she has a chance.

"Look, we need to talk, but not here." She looks to the side, as if just realizing where we are. "Let's get out. Get dried off, dressed. Will you talk with me Faith? Please?"

Decision face again. But she gives me a nod. A small one, but a nod. I turn off the water before getting out of the shower with her. I take side long glances at her as we are drying off. This conversation could change things. She's scared right now.

She is scared and so am I.

...continued in Remembering...