Tonight's Addiction
by Samantha
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The characters I imply are owned by Joss.
Lyrics belong to Skillet "savior" christian rock rocks.
Notes: Walking and typing, I am skilled!
Feedback: Please please!
::There's nothing left to loose There's nothing left to prove Surrender your love, is all you can do Whatcha got Whatcha want Whatcha need Can I be your savior Everything's gonna crash and break::
How are you always the one thing I can't walk away from? I think this over and over again to myself as I watch you across the table. We're deep in conversation, by we I mean the group, and by the group, I don't really mean me.
Me, I'm deep in you. Wading in you, swimming, drowning, dying in you.
You laugh, and right there I see it, I catch for just an instant why I cannot walk away. No I can't name it, it's something that is so deep in you that it can barely be described, let alone named. It's something I go back and forth trying to figure out if you know you have it.
Or are you blissfully unaware?
It's something in the way you tilt your head when you look at me, something in the way you laugh when you're not paying attention to yourself. Something that comes out most in the uninhibited you.
Sometimes you look at me, and I know you can see how stuck I am. You try to help I think, push me away, beat me down and teach me to let you go. Occasionally, rarely, for maybe an hour it works. I'm done with you.
But really that means I'm done with me. Because even when I am so mad at you I can hardly breath for choking on it, even then, I realize I love you.
And that, sometimes, is what hurts the most.
And then I'm angry at me, angry for the things I feel, and the things I think, and the way I can never stop having everything be about you.
You're smiling now, and you catch my eyes across the table, letting me know that one's for me. That was my smile. That was my 'hey how you doin? If you can only be good enough, try hard enough, I'll be yours forever' smile. I think you underestimate your smiles.
And sometimes, when you're so happy like this, that's when I want to walk away most. Walk away now and always have that pain in my thoughts. The little uninvited something, wishing you were here. But that will be here no matter what.
If I walk away now, I'll remember you happy, I'll remember you love me.
That's just a passing wish though, when you like this I could never walk away. You happy is my worst addiction. You're the habit I'll never kick. I'll follow it, bleeding and screaming and wishing to god it would be over, until it is.
When it's done, we'll be through, there'll be no coming back. I know that it's all burned too hot to respark once it's done. When it's over there'll be nothing left.
I could walk away if I wanted, but I think I'll wait it out. There's a million reasons why, each minute of everyday I find another.
But right now, this minute?
It's because of your smile.