Patterns
by Samantha
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Joss owns them.
Notes: Just a little short bit from Buffy's point of view.
Feedback: U know I love it.
It's the patterns that hurt.
I know you're laughing now aren't you? Hear me out. I'm not talking about the stripes, plaid, polka dots or whatever. I mean the patterns you make for yourself. The ones that end up being sewed into your soul. Those hurt like hell.
Got your attention now don't I? That's because you know all about the patterns, I know your patterns almost as well as I know my own by now. Let's see some of you patterns..drinking, we know you got a drinking pattern, for a long time there was your whole sleeping with any random person who struck your fancy pattern, that's done though now huh?
I remember the first time we talked about it. Lying in my bed, late night, home from slaying, I incited you in, creeping up the stairs quietly past my mom's sleeping room, into my bedroom. Laying there things changed for us. Somehow, and I still don't know how, we were holding hands, well you were playing with mine, and we were really talking, for the first time, you were being honest, something that I wasn't sure you did up until that point. And four words came out of your mouth; you looked confused to be saying them.
"I love you Buffy."
You explained that with everyone else, it was just trying to fill a void, a space you could feel inside you, one that filled up for a few hours, sometimes a whole day after you were with one of them. A void you said you couldn't feel when you were with me. Just then I knew what you meant.
I'm not really here to talk about you though am I? I mean I could, but really I want to talk about my patterns, the ones that seem more and more apparent to me every day lately. Seems like since you came back everything seems clearer, also a little more painful. I could talk about plenty of my own patterns, but I am gonna go with the big one.
I want you to hurt me. Ok, so not really, not physically, and I don't really think about it, but I always seem to really look for the person who is going to bring me the most pain. Cause hey, if you're not hurting me could you possibly be worth it? The thing is with each new person I think I'm not going down the same path, that this one is going to be good, then no.
Maybe it's all in who you fall for first. Cause Angel? Yeah that was a healthy relationship, vampire, goes evil after our first night together, and attempts to kill me along with all of my friends. What a healthy start. Set the pattern for the rest huh?
Scott? Well he told everyone I was a lesbian, which since I dumped him for you I guess that wasn't that far off. I don't really think we need to bring up how far wrong things went between you and me. Left me reeling when you went with the mayor. And I couldn't tell anyone. So rebound to Parker, nothing better than a quick fuck and run right? What? You didn't think I knew that word? Riley? Yeah he bored me, really, I tried and tried to love him, it just didn't happen. And Spike, there was something there, something hot, something I could barely handle, something that ended horribly, but then developed into a weird healthy bond.
And here you are again, back in my life, and back in my bed. And the thing is, you've changed. You're still Faith, still the one I feel for, but now, you're not so, I don't know, you've calmed, you're not so crazy, and you're not going to hurt me. And that makes me wonder if I can love you again.
It's part of the pattern, what I'm trying to explain. The pattern hurts, tears me up inside. Laying here with you, everything feels so right, so safe. And all I wanna do is leave.