A World of Pain
by BL
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters and other familiars from
Buffy and Angel belong to Joss Whedon, the WB, Fox, and everyone
else that owns them.
Note: I was rummaging around my computer and I found this story that
I had written a while ago. It had nothing to do with BTVS at the
time but I found that it had some similarities so I changed it around
a bit. Let me know what you guys think. The names at the beginning
of paragraphs refer to the POV for that excerpt.
Feedback: Would greatly appreciate it.
The beautiful, rustic buildings surround a large circle of grass. It is hard to believe that only four years ago one of the worst events in my life happened here in the outskirts of nowhere. But it did, and now, only two years later, it looks as if nothing happened on this campus.
Faith's POV:
I walk up the carpeted stairs to a long hallway with what seems to be an endless amount of doors. '201..202....203...Ahh, finally 204.' A petite blond greets me at the door, must be my roommate. Looks like a cheerleader but I could live with her. She is excited and hastily greets me, "Hi, my name is Candy, you must be Faith, this year is going to be great, I just know that we are going to get along SO well....." She rambles on but I zone her out and look out the window to the campus below. College. I can't believe I made it, just three years ago I was partying every night and getting drunk and sleeping with anything male that moved. But hey now I got my shit together so things will be good… "Hey, do you want to go check out the frat party tonight? I bet there are going to be a lot of hot guys." I'm startled out of my thoughts.
"Sure." I reply unenthusiastically.
"Great, I SO need a man! I've never even had a boyfriend before, college is going to be so great!" How can she be so happy? I don't understand some people.
Wonderful, a frat party with drunken jocks trying to cop a feel. Whoopee, please stop all the fun. Candy is out in the middle of the dance floor bouncing along with a group of guys. I envision a lot of sleepless nights in my future. I'm getting dizzy surrounded by the mass of sweaty, gyrating bodies. I need to get outside for some fresh air.
Past
*I'm in a bar. It's hot and muggy, cigarette smoke blankets the air. A man, probably thirty, approaches me, "Hey honey, I've seen you around here before. Want to come to my place so I can get to know you better?"
What a pathetic attempt at a pickup line but I've heard worse. He smells but I go with him anyway, maybe I'll be able to pocket his wallet and get some beer. We get in a cab and he starts groping and kissing me. He's very sloppy but I figure this guy must not get any so I let him have some fun. We get to his place. It's small but nice. He's still groping me but I stop him and ask where the bathroom is. I palm the wallet out of his jacket and walk out the back door. He's probably already passed out on the couch.*
Present
Outside, finally some fresh air. There's a girl, about 5 foot, dirty blonde hair, sitting in a lawn chair next to the pool. She's nursing her drink and looks out gazing towards the street. Hmm, another lost soul, maybe we could be friends. I sit next to her, "Hey." She looks over and gives a weak smile and then goes back to her thoughts. I could see the pain in her light hazel eyes when she briefly looked over at me. Wow, two peas in a pod.
"Ever wonder why we exist?"
Her question startles me, "Yeah, about every minute of my life."
She looks back, a small chuckle escaping her mouth. We sat there in comfortable silence for a long time before she offered me a ride back to my dorm. When we arrived she dropped me off, mumbled a goodbye and sped off. Somehow I get a feeling that that girl is going to change my life.
The next morning, I actually wake up refreshed. That's a first. Candy's bed is empty, some senior must have gotten her drunk and taken her home with him. Poor girl, I should probably talk to her. But I have to worry about classes. Great, this is what I get for wanting to further my education. Psych 101. I've always wanted to be a psychiatrist. But what am I talking about, someone as screwed up as me should not be telling other people how to deal with their problems. By the time I get back to the room, I have two papers due in a week. I go into the bathroom to wash up, I pull up my sleeves...the scars, plain as day, one of the many reminders of my past. Sometimes I wonder how I was so stupid to do the shit I did. Heroine, one of the many bumps in my life. How did this all start? How did a smart, innocent girl become a sex-crazed juvenile delinquent? I remember my parents always asking themselves that. They wondered what they did wrong. But they didn't do anything. It was entirely my fault. The wrinkles of time were evident on their faces over the years. They had given up on trying to discipline me. I wouldn't listen this was something I had to get over myself.
Past
*I was over at my babysitter's house. I am about 12 years old. She has a son, about 19. I never really liked him. He always made me uncomfortable. I go down to the basement, to watch some TV. He's down there and I try to leave without being noticed. It doesn't work and he hears me, "Faith?" I walk down the stairs trembling. He signals me over, "I want to show you something. Trust me. You'll like it." I nod feebly as he guides me down to the couch and starts to lift up my shirt, revealing the maturity that was just starting to develop. The next thing I know, he is starting to do things to me that it hurts to even think about. It feels good but wrong.*
Candy's snoring wakes me from my trance about the past. The pain that exists deep inside me is something that I have never told anyone about. These things went on for a year until the family moved away but the damage had been done. From that point on I started to feel worthless and there was no need for me to work when I could be enjoying the pleasures of sex. There was no turning back. I couldn't face my family. I felt shame and guilt for what I believed was my fault. I developed an eating condition and gained some weight but that weight was gone. After two years at the gym I was back down to my tall, skinny frame.
I'm running on a treadmill, sometimes the physical pain of exercise is the only thing that can replace the emotional pain of my life. There she is. The girl from the frat party. I had seen her around campus but never had a chance to talk to her.
She approaches me, "Hey, you're the girl from the party, right? My name's Buffy."
"Yeah, my name's Faith. Nice to meet you."
"I'm sorry at the party I was pretty drunk so I must have said some pretty bizarre things."
"No, they made sense to me..." There it is again. The pain in her eyes, but it is quickly replaced with the joy, so quick that it is barely noticeable.
"Yeah..." she chuckles, "Well, how about I make it up to you and take you out for dinner. It is almost impossible to stomach the school cafeteria food."
"Sure, why not?" She seems nice enough and is cute…yes it was true…I was known to appreciate the positives of both sexes. I should stop dwelling on my problems and move on with my life.
"Great, how's 8? I'll pick you up? What dorm are you in?"
"Swarthmore. And 8 is fine."
At 8 o'clock sharp, I see her car pull up. I wave and get in. "Where are we going?"
"It's a surprise," she says with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.
We pull up to an arcade. "We're going out to an arcade?"
"Yeah…I…uhhh…thought it would be fun…but we don't have to…you know…I thought it might be stupid—"
I cut off her babbling, "This is great!! I used to love going to arcades when I was a kid."
That brought a smile to Buffy's face and we went in together. I had a great time and Buffy even won me a teddy bear holding a heart that said 'I LUV U.' Cheesy, I know, but the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.
1 year later
Buffy and I are still going out and I think I'm in love with her.
She knows all about my past, well, almost all of it, and we talked about it. She understands and made me feel so much better; the only thing that is wrong is the fact that she won't open up to me. She won't tell me about her past. If we even mention it she goes blank and changes the subject.
Buffy:
She can't understand. Faith is great and I am so lucky to have her with me but she can never know. I love her with my heart and soul but if I ever tell her about my past she'll run away just like the rest of them. I can't let that happen. She is too special so I can't tell her. She has already had so many problems to deal with she doesn't need to deal with mine also.
Past
*I'm roused from sleep by a strong arm jerking me out of bed.
"Get over here," a gruff voice commands, "You're a loser and will never amount to anything." The familiar sound of a zipper pulling down enters my sleepy state. He enters me from behind and is still yelling at me, "Why can't you do anything right? You'll be stuck pumping gas all your life. You will never have anyone love you. You do not DESERVE for anyone to love you."
Finally he finishes and collapses on the couch. I take a shower and then cry myself to sleep.*
Faith is lying in my arms while we watch TV. I look down at her and breath in her familiar scent of leather, that she loves so much, and just a fresh clean scent. Nothing too flowery. I play with her silky brown hair and keep staring at her expression as we watch the Simpsons. She loves that show. Her familiar smirk creeps onto her face and I can't help but smile.
"What?" she looks up at me.
"Nothing."
Faith:
"What?" I would love to know what is going on in her mind.
"Nothing," she replies.
Why won't she open up to me? Sometimes I get this feeling that she looks down on herself and that she feels surprised that anyone would love her. But she is so caring and careful and wouldn't do a thing to hurt anybody. What could cause her this great pain? I want to make the pain go away and have her be happy. Forever.
Buffy:
I want to tell her but I can't risk it. I see the look of disappointment and hurt that crosses her eyes. She only lets it flicker and then it's gone. It breaks my heart. I would never want to hurt her. Moments like these make me want to cry and tell her my whole past and let her hold and comfort me, but I know that won't happen. I've tried telling people but they become really uncomfortable and leave me and I never see them again. I don't think I could stand it if I was never to see her again.
I check the mail after classes, Faith is supposed to come over in fifteen minutes, 'bill, bill, bill…'
It's a letter from the parole office at the state penitentiary.
Dear Ms. Summers,
After careful deliberation, we have evaluated your father and
decided that he shall be released on parole. He has had
exceptionally good behavior and has received very good comments from
his psychiatrist. They say that he is fully recovered and should be
given a chance into society....
I drop the letter and never finish reading it. No, this can't be happening. He can't be let out. All he'll do is hurt me again. NO, he will not hurt me, I won't let him. I walk into the bathroom and open the drawer. The new set of razor blades, so shiny. They will save me from this pain. He won't hurt me. I take the shining metal to my wrist and glide it over the smooth skin. The blood seeps out but oddly, I feel better. Things are becoming faint and I think I hear some pounding noises. I think I'm going unconscious but at least the pain is going away...
Faith:
I let myself into Buffy's apartment. That's strange she said she would meet me here. I notice the letter on the floor. I never knew that Buffy's father was in prison. Where is she? Oh, well I need to go to the bathroom anyway. The bathroom is dark and I can't see a thing. I turn on the lights and almost faint from shock. No, oh my god, "Buffy? Buffy, are you ok? Please wake up!"
I run to the phone and quickly dial 911, "Hello, yes I do have an emergency....my girlfriend she cut her wrists...NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN....Get an ambulance over here now....." I throw the phone down and run back to the bathroom. There is so much blood. I grab a towel and hold it to her wrist to try to stop the bleeding. "Buffy, come on wake up, please be ok...."
Buffy:
'Faith?...' I can hear her but she sounds so far away. Is she crying? I want to go back to her. Where is she? I can't see her.
My father! No, I want to die. I love Faith so much but my father would hurt me and I don't want to be hurt. Someone is lifting me...What's going on?
Faith:
I'm speeding down to the highway. I must be doing 100. I don't care; I have to get to the hospital. I have to get to Buffy. I burst through the doors of the hospital. The receptionist gives me a look and I run up to her, "Summers. Tell me where Buffy Summers is." I don't even recognize my own voice. The restrain and calmness astounds me. My head is screaming but I am calm on the outside.
"I'm sorry, but are you family?"
"I'm her girlfriend. Please you have to let me see her."
"She has been admitted into the ICU Room 310..." I burst through to the elevator as soon as I hear a number. I don't hear the receptionist say behind me, "I'm sorry but we've made her as comfortable…" The elevator is so damn slow. Come on 1....2....3!
Finally, I sprint to room 310. Buffy is sitting there. The sight of her makes my breath catch. She is all bandaged up. She looks terrible. I try to contain the tears, "Hey....."
Buffy:
I can't believe she's here. This must be a dream.
"Hey..." She is here! She runs over and grasps me in a hug, being careful of the various tubes sticking out of me. I have to tell her, she needs to know why.
Faith:
She starts to tell me what happened and why she did it. She tells me the whole story. At the end I kiss her with all my heart. I feel like this is the perfect moment, I never want to let her go.
Buffy:
She's kissing me. I can't believe she hasn't left me. She's still here. So this is what love feels like, I can be loved. Someone loves me…
Faith:
The loud noise of the heart monitor startles me out of my daze. I suddenly realize that Buffy is dead. "Doctor! Can we get a doctor in here?!! Please hurry!! Buffy, please stay with me, come on, wake up dammit!!"
Buffy:
I'm so sorry Faith, but I have to go. Forgive me. I will love you forever.
Faith:
The doctors race in but after 10 minutes I hear the dreaded words, "Time of death, 10:32 p.m."
I'm sobbing uncontrollably now. How could this happen? I lie down on Buffy's bed and lay my head on her chest.
2 years later
I'm graduating and I'm actually the valedictorian, who would have thought. The incident with Buffy seems like a dream. But her memory will always stay close to my heart. Time for my speech.
Fellow classmates,
We are coming to a crucial time in our lives. We have
experienced so much these past four years. Some good memories, some
bad, but always remember the things you went through. It has been a
continuous struggle, some of us came out better than others. But
always remember that no matter how hard life gets, you will always
have a friend that will be there or you. I don't want to sound
cliché but it's true and never forget it. Never let the
feelings bottle inside you until you explode, you will just end up hurting the
people around you. So to the class of 2002, Good luck!
There is one part that I didn't read out loud but my heart is screaming it so loud that I think everybody could hear:
To Buffy, who loved too much. But did not love herself enough. Who lived in a world of pain.