The Passage of Time
by BurntOrange
Rating: R

Disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon et al they are not mine.

POV Faith

Today was a long time in coming. It is moving day. Moving from the half-way house into my own place. A day I had almost given up on ever seeing. Ten years ago I had turned myself into the police and about thirty seconds after I had done that I regretted my decision. At sentencing I received three years for assault, three years in prison is an eternity to an eighteen year old.

For the first two years of my sentence I fought back, in anger, in frustration, in pain. I fought against everyone, the system, the other inmates, the guards, the family I never had, the pseudo-friends that had abandoned me, but mostly I fought myself. I hated myself. Every week when Angel came by he was an instant reminder of everything that I had once had, or maybe never had, but desperately wanted. His visits tapped into all of my rage. It was usually after these visits that I started trouble. I would start something with someone, or something, end up in lock down or solitary, and I would eventually find myself in another courtroom facing another judge for yet another sentencing. I passed through my first three additional hearings the same way I was passing through life, numb, and without a care. Year after year was added to my initial sentence, and I did not care. I don’t even think I heard a word anyone said to me, from the attorneys appointed to help me, to the judges who tried to figure me out. I took my punishment, who cared? Not me.

At my fourth sentencing I woke up. I listened to the judge for the first time. I listened as he told me that my initial sentence of three years had somehow turned into twelve years, with only two years time served. What? That is all I kept hearing in my head. What? Twelve years? How? When did this happen? Where was I during this? I woke up. I knew right then that I did not want to spend the next ten years of my life here. Not in this place, not with these people. I needed to do something, but what. Break out? I guess I could have done that, but it would just have been me running again. The truth was I could not out run the one thing that caused me the most pain, me.

I spent many hours after that sentencing thinking, something that I had not done since arriving two years before. I needed to find out who I was and figure out how to play the prison game so that I might taste freedom before my thirtieth birthday. Imagine a twenty year old worrying about seeing the light of day before they turned thirty. I had done this to myself and I needed to figure a way out. I started with Angel. He was a constant reminder of everything in my past. He unknowingly fueled a rage inside of me. If I was ever going to move forward, I needed to cut the last tie I had to the past. The following week, during his regular visit, I thanked him for all that he had done for me, and asked him not to come back. He protested at first, and I explained as best I could my reasoning. He finally relented, and agreed that he would not come again. Being Angel he made me promise that if I ever needed anything that I would call him. I agreed, even though I knew that I would not see him again.

When I started working my way back, I caught a lot of flack from the other inmates. Flack in the form of verbal taunts and regular beat downs from my fellow inmates. This time, I did not fight back. I followed the rules, I listened to the guards, I found words in my vocabulary that consisted of more than four letters and I kept to myself. I even managed to get my GED and take a few vocational classes. I did anything available to help pass the time. I also started to deal with myself, as much as I could deal with myself. Mostly I just decided to bury the past and not deal with it. What can I say? I am not one for deep psychological challenges. I did not forgive my parents for abandoning me, for raising me to fear everything but the hands that hit me. I did not forgive myself either. But I had to find a way to move forward and pushing it all down was the only solution I managed to come up with.

I served six more years this way. It was not all smooth, but I managed to stay out of trouble, out of sentencing. I received good quarterly reports and made my first parole hearing at twenty-six. I tried not to get my hopes up, but I wanted it so badly. I was turned down and I was devastated. My first instincts were to fight back, to undo everything that I had done for the last six years. What good was it anyway? But I held it together. At my next parole hearing, six months later, I was twenty-seven. Thanks to prison overcrowding, I was approved for transfer to a half-way house. It was not quite freedom, but it was a step in the right direction.

I moved into the house with twenty other women of various ages. I shared a room, chores, cooking responsibilities, everything. I was rewarded with a bit more privacy and a job. I started working at a flower shop sweeping, cleaning, and taking out the garbage, basically whatever needed to be done. Susannah was my boss and the owner of the shop. She took a chance on me and I was grateful. After a few months of working there, Susannah started to teach me how to make floral arrangements. Me, Faith, learning floral arranging, it made me laugh, and I am sure it would make anyone who used to know me laugh as well. The funny thing was that I enjoyed it. I had dealt with so much death and darkness in my life that the innocence and beauty of arranging flowers was a needed change of pace. It allowed me to create something with my hands instead of using them for destruction. Susannah said that I was a natural and after a few months of training, I was off janitor duty. After a year in the half-way house, I am now free. Well, free with another two years of probation.

So here I am, moving day. With the money that I have been carefully saving over the past year, I have rented a small two-bedroom house. It’s not much, but the neighborhood seems nice enough and I even have a yard. I have been contemplating getting a dog, but I think I am going to start with a plant. I don’t think that I am ready for a life to depend on me. I packed up my one duffel bag and said good-bye to my former roomies. I have to make one quick stop to meet my parole officer and then it is off to my house. My house, I like the sound of that. I still need to get some furniture, but it feels good.

I know that the Council might still be after me, but they have already had a year to track me down and kill me if they wanted to. I am taking that as a sign that they might just let me live my life. I have no intention of going back to slaying. I know it is a part of me, a part of who I am, but it is a life that I no longer want to live. I don’t want to be a part of the darkness, the night, the hunt or the kill. I don’t want to be the hunter or the hunted. I want to sit outside and feel the sun on my face.

At times though, if I let my mind wander, my thoughts will start to travel back through the years, no matter how hard I try to block it out. Sitting here on the bus on the way to my parole officer all the faces of those I have known once again flash before me. I try not to dwell on anyone of them, but as usual I end up settling on one- Buffy Summers. I still think about her sometimes. When I was first imprisoned, she clouded my every thought, but as the years passed I saw her face less and less. I was always so drawn to her. When I arrived in Sunnydale, I was so lost and hurt and angry. The one person who had taken me in, my watcher, I had let down and I was alone again. Seeing Buffy, Giles and the Scooby gang, it was the family that I never had, and all I wanted was to be accepted by them. But I wasn’t. At first, the Scoobies seemed to like me, or at least they enjoyed all of my tall tales. Giles seemed open to me. Even Joyce and Dawn took a liking to me. B on the other hand gave me the cold shoulder from the beginning. I thought that given time I would be able to earn her trust. I tried, as best I knew how. I was such a different person then. I had such little patience and it was taking forever to be inducted into their inner circle. I kept trying, but with each day and each rejection the anger inside of me was growing. I didn’t need them or this situation. I was a slayer, maybe not the only slayer, but a slayer nonetheless. I was sent to do a job and I was going to do it. I would go days without talking to any of them. Those days then turned into weeks and it seemed that I only received a call when something big was going down. I tried one last time to show Buffy my world. I opened myself up to her, put myself on the line and she seemed to be responding, then the Finch incident happened. I could see the wall go up between Buffy and myself immediately and I just pushed back. I didn’t care anymore. They all seemed so clean and moral and I knew that nothing would ever be the same after that. They would always see me as a loose cannon, someone they would always have to watch out for and would never be able to fully trust again. The rage inside me boiled over at this point. If they thought I wasn’t good enough for their group, then I would find a new group to fit into.

Joining the Mayor’s team wasn’t the brightest idea I’ve ever had, but he showered me with attention. Yes, I knew he was a monster, but at the time I thought that I was too. It was a match made in hell. When I woke up from the Buffy induced coma, my thoughts still revolved around raising hell, only my partner in crime had been killed. I didn’t know quite what I was going to do, but luckily the Mayor had thought ahead. I didn’t really think the body switching with Buffy thing through, though. I guess I just thought that maybe she would see what it was like to be me at least on the outside for a while. What it was like to be on the outside always looking in. Plus it wasn’t so bad to get inside B’s skin for a while and shake things up a bit. I think that was the beginning of my slide into oblivion. When I was in B’s body everyone I came in contact with looked at me with such trust and hope, all of them thinking that I somehow held the answers to making things better. I couldn’t stand it, so I decided to take off. Of course then I saw the news report, which sent me to the church, back to my own body, running off to LA and the long journey to this day.

Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes, Buffy would come into my dreams. I don’t know if I brought her into my dreams or whether she brought herself, but there she was. It only happened a few times during the first couple of years I was in jail. I would be having a dream, about what, I don’t remember, and she would walk through whatever it was I was dreaming about. I would see her walk through in the background, the same strong, confident, heroic Buffy that I used to know and that was it. During my third year, I only saw her one time. She wasn’t walking through this time, but rather sitting in a corner, by herself. She looked so alone and tired, but it was her eyes that astounded me. We never made eye contact and never spoke, not in any of my dreams, but I saw her eyes clearly, and for the first time, she didn’t look confident, she looked resigned and defeated.

A few months later after lights out, as I lay awake on my bunk, I felt her. I felt the life and soul that was Buffy leave her body and I heard a faint sound in the quiet night. It was B’s voice, soft and muffled, but I would know her voice anywhere, all she said was “Death is my gift.” I slept little that night, and when I awoke in the morning, I felt such a calm and peace for her. I knew at that moment that B was no longer on this earth, that she was at peace, at rest, and she was no longer burdened with her destiny. That was why a few months later, I awoke with a start one night. Unsettled in the darkness I felt her once again. I felt her soul, her essence being forced back into her long dead body. In the morning, as sure as I had known of her death, I knew that she had been brought back. By what forces I could not fathom, but I knew it was not of her doing.

A few months later, she entered my dreams again. She was not sitting, but leaning against a wall, looking much older than her twenty-one years, and tired, so tired, and she looked so incredibly lost. My heart ached for her at that moment, but I was resolved that she would find her way. Through the next few years the dreams were like those in the beginning, only not as frequent. She would pass through once again, not with the same youthful confidence and invincibility as in the first few, but with a sense of acceptance of her life and what it held for her. I can’t really remember the last time that she visited my dreams, but I took that as a sign that she was doing ok, making her way through life as best she could, as was I.

But, yeah, I still think of B. At first, I was so angry. Why wasn’t I good enough to enter her circle? But now, with a little time and distance, and with the maturity that came with the passing years, I am finally able to see her side of things. We were both so young, so immature, but both given a destiny that required us to help others when we weren’t even old enough to know how to help ourselves. She had the advantage of a group of people that loved her and supported her, but we were still on the same road together. Given different circumstances, she could have been me and I could have been her, and I always felt on some level she understood that. I don’t spend too much time rehashing the past in my head anymore. I left Sunnydale, did my time, and now I am starting my life. I have no desire to look them up again, to know what is happening in their lives. For the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to tomorrow.

POV Buffy

Today was a long time in coming. There is a rehearsal dinner tonight for a wedding tomorrow. Dawn’s wedding. It is a day that I wasn’t sure that I would ever see. There is so much to do today and yet part of me just wants to continue to lay here in bed. I have time. It is still pretty early and I haven’t heard Dawn get up yet.

The past few years have gone by so quickly and there have been so many changes. Looking back, I guess I would point to Tara’s death and Willow’s subsequent breakdown as the catalysts for everything that followed. Willow and I accompanied Giles back to England. Giles wanted to help Willow and I had some business to take care of with the Watchers Council. Giles and I met with the Council shortly after I arrived. It was a simple business arrangement really. I was an employee of the Council as much as they were, as much as Giles was and I expected to be compensated as such. We were met with some resistance at first, but with a little persuasion, we came to an agreement. I would receive a monthly salary, as well as a one time lump sum for prior services rendered. With that, I kissed my fast food career goodbye. I stayed a week longer, looking after Willow. She was a mess and it would take some time before she would be well enough to return to Sunnydale. I had to get back to Dawn and to try and get my own life back in order.

When I got back, Dawn and I sat and talked about how we wanted to move forward. Together we decided to sell the house. It held too many memories. Memories that we no longer wanted to be confronted with on a daily basis, they no longer provided any comfort. We stayed in Sunnydale; we just moved a few streets over. Dawn started her sophomore year of high school in the fall at the newly rebuilt high school and I went back to college.

The Magic Box had been destroyed, and Xander and Anya relationship had been too. Anya decided that she no longer wanted to deal with the mortal life, it was too uncertain for her. She returned fully to her vengeance demon ways. Xander kept working construction and about a year later he started dating an architect on one of the projects he was working on. Laura and Xander make a great couple. She is brilliant with just the right amount of goofiness to be able to find Xander entertaining. They were married last year and they still live here in Sunnydale.

Willow returned from England about three months after I left. She looked better, but there was such sadness in her eyes. She started back to school with me in January. The following year she met Dani. With Dani, I finally saw Willow smile- a genuine smile, the first since Tara’s death. I don’t think Willow ever expected to fall in love again, and I am not sure that she even wanted to, but she did. She and Dani had moved to LA so that Willow could attend graduate school following our graduation. Two years ago Dani had their first child, a little girl named Tara Grace, Gracie. They still live in LA where Willow is an assistant professor at one of the colleges.

Giles is flying in this afternoon with his girlfriend Marie. Giles finally has a girlfriend. Dawn drove in earlier this week from Palo Alto where she is attending law school. She met her fiancé Jon there last year. They fell in love and got engaged within a few months of their meeting. Part of me thinks that it is a little rushed, but after living so many years on the Hellmouth I realized that if something right happens in your life you should go with it, life is too short not to. Spike came back shortly after Willow’s return. While he now had a soul, things between us were not the same. I could forgive him for trying to rape me, but I was not able to forget. He stayed around for a while, but ended up in LA with Angel.

After graduation I needed something to fill my days, something to offset the darkness that I faced every night, so with Giles assistance, I opened a small bookstore. I know right, me owning a bookstore. In high school I thought I had a book phobia, I couldn’t stand reading. It took too long to sit and read a book; I had too many other things that needed to be taken care off. But when I returned to college, I took a literature course and fell in love with it. I enjoyed the escape it gave me, leaving the world that I lived in and traveling into someone else’s, into their thoughts and their lives. Giles came back for a few months to help me get started, and then it was up to me. The bookstore isn’t highly profitable, but it does make a profit.

I don’t date much anymore. The last relationship that I had was with Riley. It is just too hard with my slayer lifestyle to invite someone into my world and hope that they understand. Because no matter what they say, they don’t, they can’t. I’ll see someone a few times, and then cut it off before it develops into anything. It’s the only way and I don’t mind so much being alone. You get used to it.

All the faces of the people I have know through the years I see before me. I know what has happened to almost all of the faces I see, but there is one that is lost to me- Faith. I still think of her. I wonder when she got out of prison, if she got out of prison, where she is now, and whether or not she is happy, or at least at peace. I know that she is still alive; something tells me that I would know if she wasn’t. The Council seems to have forgotten all about her. I guess they figure as long as I’m alive they don’t need to worry and that given Faith’s track record she doesn’t have a long life ahead of her anyway. A new slayer will be called soon enough.

During the first couple of years that Faith was in prison, I would see her in my dreams. I am not sure if I brought her into my dreams or if she brought herself. I guess it doesn’t make much difference. We didn’t talk in these dreams; we didn’t even make eye contact. The first few dreams she would just run through. She was always running. Once she turned around and I all saw was anger in her eyes. I could see it boiling over contorting her face into a mask of rage. After that brief moment, she was off again, running. I didn’t see her again for a while, but the next time I did, the last time I did, she wasn’t running. She was standing off in a corner and she looked so small, her eyes so full of pain and sadness, and it broke my heart. I called Angel shortly after that dream. I knew that he had been going to visit her every week and I just needed to know that she was ok. I was somewhat shocked when he told me that Faith had asked him not to come back. She had told him that it was time for her to move on and that he was her last tie to the past. Reluctantly, he did what she asked. I knew at that point that any plans that I had to visit her would not be welcomed.

I called Giles and asked him for a favor. I asked him to send me copies of the Council’s files on Faith. I guess I just wanted to know her. I wanted answers to all of the questions that I had never bothered to ask when I had the chance. I received the files a couple of weeks later with a simple note from Giles telling me that he hoped that I found whatever it was that I was looking for. The files contained every piece of information on Faith from her birth to her incarceration. I saw IQ tests; she was a lot smarter than she ever admitted to. I found out about her family. Her father had left her and her mother when she was only five. Her mother was a raging alcoholic who died when Faith was ten years old. She spent the next few years shuffling between foster homes. At fourteen she ran away and the system let her. She dropped out of high school and seemed to disappear. The Council sent her watcher after her and when she was found at fifteen she was called into training. For the first time she seemed to lead a rather stable life. In addition to her training, it appeared that her watcher was also acting as her teacher, home schooling her. According to the notes, she was thriving, although they made more than a few references about her wild tendencies. She would disappear for days at a time and return as if nothing had happened and never speak a word about where she had been or what she had done. I knew that Faith. When her watcher was killed it seemed to end any normalcy that Faith had come to rely on.

Then she came to Sunnydale and I knew the history from that point on. When I had finished going through her files, I cried. It was a selfish cry. I didn’t cry so much for her and the life that she survived, but for how much I had let her down during her time here. About how differently things could have turned out if I had taken a few moments to open to her and allow her to open up to me. At that time I was so wrapped up in my own life, and in Angel. I loved Angel; he was my first love and he will always hold that place in my heart. At the same time I was so young and our love was not set anywhere near reality. I know that now, but then, I thought that my life revolved around him. I can laugh now at the ridiculousness of it all. I would be spending the rest of my life with someone who was immortal, who would stay forever young, as I continued to grow older. Someone who I would never be able to be intimate with, let alone have children with. I knew my destiny gave me an expiration date of twenty-five and maybe that was all I was thinking about then- that the future didn’t matter because I didn’t have a future to look forward to. It was all very romantic then, but it resembles more of a Shakespearean tragedy to me now. I rarely talk to Angel anymore, unless it is business related. He has a child and he and Cordelia are together now. And I’m genuinely happy for them.

But yeah, I still think of Faith, probably more than I’m even consciously aware of. There are so many things that I would like to have done differently, but we were both so young and immature and had the weight of our destinies with us, I’m not sure that I even could have done anything differently. I always knew, though, that with a simple change in either of our circumstances we could have been the other person. I am still hopeful that our paths will one day cross again. I feel drawn to Faith in a way that I cannot explain to others, in a way that I cannot explain to myself. I think I hear Dawn, and I am reminded that I need to pick up Giles and Marie at the airport, and that Willow and her family should be arriving shortly. I am looking forward to tonight, to having our family together again, if only for a short time. And I am looking forward to tomorrow.

Six Months Later

POV Buffy

Damn, the answering machine. I must have just missed them.

“Hi guys, it’s Buffy. I just wanted to let you know that I am walking out the door now. I will see you guys in just a couple of hours. Ok then, bye.”

I am leaving for my monthly drive to LA. I go down for a weekend mainly to see Gracie, but we take care of business too. Even though Willow doesn’t help me directly anymore with the slaying, she still keeps a running database of all of the vampires, demons, monsters and such that I take out each month. She also keeps me up on upcoming rituals that I need to be on the lookout for. She has converted most of Giles’ library onto this database. Willow is still an integral part of my team and one of the main reasons that I am still alive. I know that the only reason that I have managed to become the oldest living slayer is because of the support system that I have. I wish the council would recognize this and use this practice for future slayers, but knowing how steeped they are in tradition; I doubt it will ever happen. Two CD’s later and here I am. I park, grab my bag, and head for the door. I try the doorknob and it is unlocked so I just head in.

B: “Willow, Dani, Gracie? Hi guys, I’m here.”

I glance around the house and smile. This beautiful house now looks like the inside of a toy store. Between Xander and Laura, Dawn and Jon, Giles and myself, we must have supplied Gracie with every toy imaginable. What can I say? Gracie is our first little niece. I hear the little patter of feet against the hard wood floors.

G: “Buffy, Buffy.”

That is my Gracie.

B: “Hi Gracie. How is my favorite niece?”

I pick up the smiling little girl. She is so beautiful; she looks just like Dani. She is all dark brown hair and big brown eyes. Dani comes closely behind Gracie from the kitchen wiping her hands on a towel.

Dani: “Hi Buffy. You made great time.”

Still holding Garcie, I walk over and hug Dani hello.

B: “I know, no traffic. How are you?”

Dani: “I’m great. Willow, Buffy’s here.”

Willow comes racing down the stairs and gives both Gracie and me a hug.

W: “Buffy, it’s so good to see you.”

B: “You too Will. And look at this beautiful girl. I can’t believe how big she. I keep expecting her to stay a baby.”

W: “I know. Dani and I spend our days just trying to keep up with her.”

Dani: “Dinner is almost ready, can I get you something to drink?”

We head to the kitchen and have an amazing dinner. We sit around for a while and play with Gracie. I love coming here and listening to Gracie’s laugh. There is something so innocent about it that it just warms my heart. As Gracie starts to wind down, Dani scoops her up for a bath, stories and bed. She brings Gracie over to me and I give her a big hug and a kiss. Then they head over to Willow and little Gracie wraps her little arms tightly around Willow’s neck to kiss her. Dani leans in for her own kiss and tells us both good night. I ask her if she is coming back down to talk, but she says with a smile that Willow and I need time alone, to catch up. As they head upstairs, I pick myself off the floor and join Willow on the couch.

B: “You look so good Willow, so happy.”

W: “Thank you Buffy. I am happy. Having Dani and Gracie has just been the most amazing experience.”

B: “It shows.”

W: “How are things going with you and Josh?”

B: “They were great. I ended it a couple of weeks ago.”

W: “Why Buffy? I thought you guys were getting along so well.”

B: “We were. We got along great. We had a lot of fun. But come on Will, how many times have we talked about this? I just can’t have anything permanent. It is just too hard.”

W: “Buffy, you deserve to be happy.”

B: “I am happy Will. I am happy. Having to worry about someone in my life would make me unhappy. I like my freedom and I like just having the few first weeks of infatuation with a person. Those are the fun times.”

Willow sits up and takes my hands in her.

W: “I just worry about you.”

B: “Please stop. I love you Willow. I love that you care about my happiness, but let’s just agree to disagree on this point, ok?”

W: “Because I love you too, I will agree to your truce.”

B: “Good, thank you.”

We hug and then both sit back on the couch reclining. It’s been a long day.

W: “So what else is going on with you?”

B: “Nothing much. Work, slaying, the usual. What about you?”

W: “Work, Gracie, Dani. The usual suspects.”

B: “That’s good though, right?”

W: “To be perfectly honest, it’s the best. I couldn’t ask for anything more.”

B: “Will?”

W: “Yes?”

B: “How are your computer hacking skills these days?”

W: “Well, I don’t like to brag, but I think that they have only improved with age. Age and technology. Why?”

B: “I have a favor to ask.”

W: “Ask away.”

B: “Ok, but just hear me our first.”

W: “Ok.”

B: “Lately I have been thinking a lot about Faith.”

W: “Faith?”

B: “Not finished, yet.”

W: “Sorry, I just haven’t heard that name in a long, long time.”

B: “I know. I just have been thinking a lot about her. I am hoping that you can get into the police files and just see what is going on with her. I mean, I don’t even know if she is still in prison or not. I still feel that she is alive somewhere. I guess I just want to know what has happened to her.”

W: “Not to be judgmental woman here, but I thought that you said that you were happy. Do you really want to go digging up the past?”

B: “I am happy Will, but this is just something that I have never stopped thinking about. I have never even been to visit her in prison.”

W: “But I thought Angel told you that she didn’t want to see any of us again.”

B: “He did. Look Willow, I am not sure why I want to open this up again. I guess maybe I just need some closure. I don’t know. I just know what I am feeling.”

W: “Ok Buffy. I don’t quite understand, but in a way I kind of do, but not really, but on the one hand I can see what you are trying to do, but on the other hand…”

B: “Willow- stop. You don’t have to understand. I don’t even understand. Do you think you can help me?”

W: “I can. It might take me a little while, but I should be able to find something out for you.”

B: “Thank you Willow.”

W: “You can thank me when I find something, So, do you want to start working on the database tonight?”

B: “Not really. I’m kind beat. Unless you do, do you?”

W: “No, we can work on it tomorrow. Do you want to watch a movie or anything?”

B: “I think I am just going to turn in.”

W: “That is a good idea. Gracie is going to be at your door at dawn, you know.”

B: “That is one of the things I look forward to the most.”

W: “You are so in love with that little girl, Buffy.”

B: “I know. It kind of took me by surprise, but she is just amazing.”

W: “She is, isn’t she?”

B: “Hey Willow?”

W: “Yes, Buffy?”

B: “Can you just keep this thing with Faith between you and me?”

W: “Buffy, of course.”

B: “I just know that this is probably sending warning signals up, and you will probably want to talk to Xander and Giles about the current state of my mental well being and I just don’t want to worry them. Or you for that matter.”

W: “Don’t worry Buffy. This is between us. I promise.”

B: “Thank you Will. I promise when I understand what is going on with this, I will let you know.”

W: “I trust you Buffy, no worries. Well, I am going to head upstairs. Do you need anything?”

B: “No, thank you. I will head up with you I think.”

We go upstairs and say our goodnights. The rest of the weekend passed too quickly for me. We finished up the work on the database on Saturday and spent the rest of the weekend just hanging out and playing with Gracie. Willow and I didn’t speak again about my request, but as I was leaving Sunday afternoon she pulled me aside and handed me a folder. Willow told me that Faith had been released from prison about a year and half before, she then spent the following year in a half-way house, and then had been let out on parole about six months ago. She didn’t have a home address for her, but the file did contain a work address. I hugged her and thanked her for all of her help. She asked me what I was going to do now. I told her the truth; that I didn’t know. I kissed the three of them goodbye, got in my car, and headed back to Sunnydale. The drive back went by quickly, I didn’t play a single CD or listen to any of my books on tape. I was stuck on just one thought- Faith.

POV Faith

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Fucking alarm.

“Alright, alright. I’m up. Damn it.”

Man, it still so hard to get up in the morning. But, I have to smile because at least it isn’t a guard clanging on the bars to get my ass up. Ok, time to shower. I hit the coffee maker to on and head into the bathroom. The past six months have been the best of my life- quiet and uneventful. I work a lot. I don’t have much else to do and I like to keep myself busy.

My house finally feels like a home. I bought some great second hand furniture and a plant. So far, so good with the plant. I guess working at the flower shop has given me a bit of a green thumb. Ten minutes in the shower, five minutes drying off, fussing with my hair, getting dressed and I am good to go. I pour myself a cup of coffee, turn on the TV to catch a few cartoons and fix a couple of pieces of toast.

I like this little town. People tend to keep to themselves, but everyone is still friendly. The flower shop stays busy and I like that. Susannah has been so great to me. She has increased my responsibilities and there are days when she is off that she leaves me to run the shop on my own. It is a good feeling to be needed and trusted. She gives me the weekends off, which is cool. A few months ago I started using my weekends to head down to LA. I needed to get out and meet people and this town isn’t really equipped with any clubs. I’ll go down on Saturday night, hit a club and mingle. Most nights I meet a good-looking guy, someone who sparks a little something in me without asking too many questions. We have fun and maybe go back to his place or to the motel room that I rent. Hopefully he lives up to his looks and I get a good lay. And if I have picked him right, then either I can get gone immediately after or he will make himself scarce if we’re at the motel. I know right, I’m supposed to be the reformed Faith, but I am still a woman. A woman who spent many years in jail and I have a lot of pent up sexual energy that I need released. I don’t think that is such a crime.

I finish the toast and the coffee, shut off the coffee maker. It’s time to head in to the shop. I hop into my new, very, very used jeep and take off. I love the jeep, the open air reminds me of the freedom I now have and that I have no intention of letting slip away. There are still constant reminders of my past though, most notably every Monday morning when I have to call and check in with my parole officer. Henry is a cool guy and he is impressed with the life that I have made. In eighteen months I will be free of him too.

The nights are hard. Some nights I wake up in a cold sweat reliving my days in jail, especially those first couple of years. My dreams are so vivid, I am back in jail, fighting with the other inmates, getting beat down by the guards and waking up in solitary, seeing the people that I had hurt and killed with my unflinching hands. When I wake up from these dreams, it is hard to get back to sleep, most nights I just get up and sit on the porch with a stiff drink and smoke. I have pretty much given up smoking, it kills you know, but on these nights I revert back to the things that bring me comfort. I pull into the shop parking lot and see Susannah’s car and that brings me comfort, too. It is good to be employed, to have a place to rest my head, and to be free.

One Month Later

POV Buffy

This past month I haven’t been myself. Since Willow gave me Faith’s police file, my every thought has revolved around Faith. Each night when I returned home from slaying I would pour over her files reading and re-reading every word. Before falling asleep I would make a decision on how I was going to proceed and every morning when I awoke I would change my mind.

I went down last weekend to see Willow and her family and she asked me what I was going to do. All I could answer was that I didn’t know. And I don’t know. Everything in her files tells me that I should leave her be. I read about how it was during her first two years, the years of Angel’s weekly visits that her sentence had ballooned from three years to twelve years. My dreams during this time reflected this too. I saw the rage, the hurt, and the never ending running. I read how after Angel’s visits ceased she became somewhat close to a model inmate. And in my dreams then, I saw this Faith too, the Faith that was no longer running, just pained. The printed black and white words told me that her past, which I was a part of, only brought her pain and anger. They told me that without the past, without us, without me, Faith was able to function, able to build a life.

So the decision was an easy one, right? Faith was good, that was all I had wanted to know, all that I needed to know. There was no reason to disrupt her life, to bring up a past that she had been able to deal with and lay to rest. It was all there in black and white. And yet, nothing between Faith and I had been black and white. Other people had painted that picture- the supposed good slayer versus the supposed rouge slayer. Faith and I, however, had lived in a decidedly gray area. A gray area where we were forced to make split second decisions everyday and where we had to live with the decisions that we had made. I am not dismissing Faith’s actions. She betrayed me, us, and was willing to sacrifice our lives for the betterment of her own. But I also had to own up to my own actions. Decisions that I had made that also betrayed the gang and put their lives in danger, put Faith’s life in danger. I could not dismiss my own faults, even if the others were able to. It was with this knowledge that I had composed dozens of letters to Faith, each letter ending up in a stack of letters never to be sent. The words on paper rang hollow, they were unable to convey my intentions or thoughts coherently.

I left the bookstore early today and just started driving, with no destination in mind. And I now find myself sitting in the parking lot of a flower shop in a small town not too far from Sunnydale. I know the face that I am looking for, but I do not know what I am going to say, if anything. Maybe if I just see her, see that she is all right, it will bring me the peace that I am searching for.

I am parked in the back of the lot next to a jeep, trying not to be noticed. Most of the cars pull into the spaces near the entrance and I go undiscovered. I have been here about an hour and it is now close to six in the afternoon. I expect the shop will be closing soon and I still have no idea what I am going to do. My heart is racing, my hands a bit sweaty. Every few minutes a wave of panic travels over me and I reach to turn the keys in the ignition. I am just going to leave. I don’t have to be here. There is no reason to be here. I don’t want to hurt Faith, to cause her anymore distress. I don’t want to invade her space, her town, and her life. And yet my hands do not turn over the keys and the ignition never starts. Instead I sit, and the panic rolls through me.

At about half past six, I see the back door of the shop open. It opens towards to me so I cannot see who is coming out. I still have a few seconds to make an exit; instead I sit paralyzed. I want to know, I want to see her. My eyes sit transfixed, each second lasting an hour. I see the arm of one person. It looks like they are holding the door open for someone. An older woman then exits followed by a couple of other people. The other two people, both men, walk away towards cars parked behind the door in the lot. The door is being closed, but the older woman is blocking my view from whoever is doing the closing. They both turn around and I feel my breath catch. They hug and the older woman walks away towards her car and I can now see her clearly, Faith. She is walking towards my car, but she hasn’t lifted her head up yet to eye level. The jeep next to me must be hers, but my eyes don’t leave her face. Her hair is longer than I have ever seen it, still wavy, and as the sun hits it, it still has those reddish highlights. She looks older, more mature, her face has thinned with the passing years. I just keep staring at her face and then she looks up. Our eyes meet. I see a wave of disbelief wash over her and she hesitates slightly with her next step. I decide now would be a good time to get out of my car since I am starting to feel a bit like a stalker. I step out and see that she has stopped walking, since I am invading her territory I finish the long walk over to her, noticing her eyeing me a bit suspect. I walk up to her, but leave a couple of feet up space between us.

B: “Faith.”

F: “Buffy.”

B: “Hi.”

F: “Hello. Long time.”

B: “I know. How are you?”

F: “I’m good. How are you?”

B: “Good, thanks.”

F: “Glad to hear it.”

B: “Yeah.”

F: “So.”

B: “So.”

F: “So.”

Think Buffy, think. Words, form them, use them, now.

B: “Do you want to get a cup of coffee or dinner or something? With me, now. Unless you have plans, which I would completely understand, seeing as how I am here unannounced and all.”

That was smooth Buffy.

F: “I don’t know Buffy.”

Damn.

B: “Well yeah, you know, ok, so ok. Maybe some other time then.”

F: “No, you know what, it’s ok, let’s go. There is a coffee shop up the street a bit. We can walk from here.”

B: “That would be great. Thank you.”

The walk to the coffee shop is a silent one. She doesn’t know what I’m doing here, and is probably still in shock from my unexpected arrival. I just don’t know what to say. She holds the door open for me and we walk up to the counter. She orders a regular coffee black and I order a double latte thinking of the drive home I still have ahead of me. As she reaches for her wallet, I put my hand on her arm, I feel her flinch slightly, and I tell her that it is my treat. We wait for our orders and when they come we take them to a small table next to the front window.

I have so much that I want to say. Or at least I thought that I had a lot that I wanted to say. Unfortunately at this exact moment my brain has decided to take a break and not one of the many things that I had wanted to say comes to mind. So I say the first thing that I think of.

B: “You look good.”

She does look good.

F: “Uh, thanks, You too. You look good too.”

B: “Thanks.”

Awkward silence. We seem to be looking everywhere but at each other.

B: “I bet you weren’t expecting to see me today.”

F: “You got me there. I really wasn’t expecting to see you ever again.”

And with that, my ego takes a dive. I guess a part of me was holding out hope that she had been thinking about me like I had been thinking about her. That she, too, was going to one-day look me up to see how I was doing. It should have occurred to me that she has been on parole for over seven months and she hadn’t looked me up in Sunnydale. That should have been the only clue that I needed that she had no plans to see me again.

B: “Yeah, I’m sorry about that.”

F: “So, how did you find me anyway?”

B: “I had a little help from a hacker friend.”

F: “Willow?”

B: “Yeah. But she only did it because I asked.”

F: “I don’t mind. Really.”

Ok this conversation is not going anywhere good.

B: “I’m sorry.”

F: “It’s ok, really. I’m not upset. I guess I should have known that at some point I would run into someone from my past.”

So that is what I am to her, someone from her past. I guess I should have seen that coming. At this point, I am guessing that this conversation is about over. I don’t feel like reliving the past with her at this point. I can tell she doesn’t want to and I feel bad enough for invading her life as much as I have already. And then Faith does something unexpected, she steers the conversation away from the past and lets it just be.

F: “So what do you think of this little town?”

B: “I like it, well what I have seen of it so far.”

F: “Yeah, it’s not bad. It is kind of a small town feel, the people are nice, but they are not intrusive, you know?”

The conversation carries on in this manner for the next half hour or so. We basically just make small talk, but it’s nice. We talk about movies, they don’t get too many here, but she has still managed to see more than I have. We talk a bit about books. She reads a lot and I wouldn’t have guessed that. She reads mostly biographies and about history. It’s nice. We don’t talk about slaying or what we are doing in our lives really or even the gang or my family. It is rather impersonal, but it is easy. We talk freely and the conversation flows well. When we both finish our drinks, it is obvious to the both of us that this meeting has come to a close. We stand up and start walking back to the flower shop. We continue the small talk to the cars.

B: “So this is your jeep?”

F: “Yeah, I got it a month or so ago.”

B: “I like it. It looks, what’s the word?”

F: “Old?”

B: “No, I was thinking more a long the lines of freeing.”

F: “That’s funny. That is exactly what I thought when I got it- that it looked like freedom.”

B: “It does.”

F: “You have a bit of a drive ahead of you, are you going to be ok?”

B: “Yeah, I had that double latte caffeine injection, so I am actually wide awake. Thanks for asking though.”

F: “Well ok then. I guess this is goodbye.”

B: “I guess so. Well take care.”

F: “You too.”

B: “Bye Faith.”

F: “Bye Buffy.”

And with that we each get in our cars. She watches me as I pull out of the parking lot and head back to Sunnydale. I watch in my rear view mirror as she pulls out, turns, and heads in the opposite direction. Alone in my car, I replay the last hour over again. It was good to see Faith. She looks great and like she is doing well. Of course, I did not say one thing that I had wanted to say, but maybe that was ok. I got everything that I wanted, which was just to see her, to see that she was ok. Her eyes still looked pained, we all carry around our share of pain, but overall she looked happy, if not completely happy, then at least somewhat at peace. Our meeting went well and now maybe I would be able to rest easier. It was selfish really, using Faith to try and clear some of my guilty conscience with regards to our past. We were the chosen two, and we had failed each other, but we were both getting on with our lives and living them as best we could. Faith was going to be all right and so was I.

POV Faith

Buffy Summers. Buffy Summers. Buffy, that was one person that I never expected to see again. Sure there was the off chance that we might run into each other one day, but it was a slim chance. I certainly was never going to seek her out, but I never thought that she would be the one doing the seeking. I pour myself a nice stiff drink, to offset the caffeine from the coffee earlier and to calm my nerves a bit, grab my smokes and head out to the back porch.

Thank God it’s Friday. I have the whole weekend to reflect and then put this meeting in the past along with everything else. Tomorrow I am planning on heading down to LA. That should put some distance between us. She looked good, her hair still long and blonde and her eyes still a sparkling green. When I stepped out from the flower shop I didn’t even notice her car. I just hugged Susannah goodbye for the weekend and headed to my jeep. When I looked up, I looked directly into her eyes. At first I thought that I was seeing things. Buffy? Why would Buffy be here, how would she know where to find me? Maybe she was lost and just happened to be sitting here in this parking lot. Then she got out of her car and came over to me. No, this was not an accident.

When she asked if I wanted to grab a coffee or dinner my first thought was to decline and run. The last thing I need in my life right now is someone walking in and rehashing the past. The past is buried so just let it lie. But when I wavered and she started stammering, I realized that she had no clue as to how she ended up here either. So I agreed to coffee and her face seemed to fill with relief. One coffee, I could handle that. When I reached for my wallet at the coffee shop and she touched my arm, I flinched out of habit, I am still not used to people touching me when I am not in control of the situation. After another awkward attempt at conversation and the mention of Willow, I should have known it was Willow, I decided to take to the conversation to less combative territory. She seemed relieved at this as well. I don’t think either of us wanted to relive the past, even it was with the best of intentions. After that the conversation seemed to flow easily. It was like we were old acquaintances, just meeting for a quick hello.

I know that sleep is probably not in the forecast for this evening, so I go inside grab a blanket and make myself comfortable on the porch. I had survived seeing Buffy again. She looked good, she looked happy and it was nice to know that. It was good to get this meeting over with, now we can both get on with living our lives secure in the knowledge that the chosen two had survived and we were both doing ok.

One Month Later

POV Buffy

Ok, so it has been a month. One long month since I met with Faith. At this point I shouldn’t still be thinking about her, right? My thoughts shouldn’t be consumed with everything that I had wanted to say, everything that I should have said. Yet, they were. The first few days maybe, but now, a month later, I should be over this by now. But I wasn’t. I want to see her again. Then I think about how well our meeting went and how I should be happy with that. End it on a good note, right? What right did I have to disrupt her life again? It would be for purely selfish reasons. How selfish am I? Very. Maybe I should just send her a letter. I won’t though. What I want to say I want to say in person. I want to tell her that I have read her files. I want to tell her that I understand. I know that the likelihood that she will want to see me again is slim to none. I know even stronger that she will not want to hear that I know about her past. That I know things that she never wanted to tell me. But outweighing all of this is the fact that I want to tell her that I am sorry. Maybe she will allow me that opportunity and maybe she won’t, but it a risk that I am willing to take.

POV Faith

Another day like all of the others, and I will never get tired of this. It’s Friday and I am looking forward to the weekend. I have another trip to LA planned and that is always a good thing. I’m also looking forward to working in my garden this weekend. I think the flower shop is taking over my life. I like gardening though. I like working with my hands in the earth and watching beautiful flowers grow knowing that I had a hand in making that happen. I have to laugh out loud at the realization that I am getting soft. Oh well. Leaving the shop I’m caught off guard again at the sight of Buffy. Man, does this girl have an aversion to phones or what. Of course if she had called ahead I probably would have feigned an illness. I might as well face this one head on.

F: “Hey Buffy.”

B: “Hi Faith.”

F: “I didn’t expect to see you.”

B: “I know. I’m sorry to drop by unannounced, again.”

F: “It’s ok. I really should start scanning the parking lot though.”

I laugh so she knows that I am kidding. She laughs too, so that is a good sign.

B: “Yeah, that would probably be a good idea.”

F: “So is this a coffee length visit or would you like to get some dinner?”

B: “Dinner would be good I think.”

F: “Good. Let’s grab some takeout and we can head back to my place.”

B: “Your place?”

F: “I think it might be better to have whatever discussion you have planned in a place a little more private than 1 diner in a small town, don’t you?”

Plus, it will be on my home ground.

B: “You’re right. What should I do with my car?”

F: “Bring it. You can follow me. How about cheeseburgers for dinner?”

B: “With fries?”

F: “Of course.”

B: “Sounds perfect.”

F: “Good. You can follow me down to the diner, it is just a few blocks from here and then we will head off to my house.”

B: “Ok.”

At this point I get in my car and she gets into her car and we take off. We are at my house thirty minutes later. When we get in I give her the grand tour, which basically consists of the living room, the two bedrooms and bathrooms, and the kitchen. About three minutes later we are unloading our food on the kitchen table.

B: “Your house is great.”

F: “Thanks I like it.”

B: “That plant in the living room is amazing too.”

She noticed the plant.

F: “Thanks. I wanted to get a dog, but I thought is was best to try my luck with a plant first.”

B: “That’s a good idea.”

F: “I read it in a magazine, I think, a long time ago. You know before taking on the responsibility of a pet you should first try to keep a plant alive for a year, if you can do that then you might be ready for the responsibility of a pet.”

B: “How long have you had it?”

F: “About eight months.”

B: “Are you still wanting to get a dog?”

F: “Maybe, I still have another four months before I can give it any serious thought. I figure we can just eat here at the table, does that work for you?”

B: “That’s perfect.”

So we sit down and eat. The conversation goes much as it did during our previous meeting. We talk books and movies and nothing really personal. After we finish I ask if she wants to go sit out on the porch. I have an idea that this discussion is about to turn more serious and I would rather be outside for this. She agrees and we take our drinks out onto the porch. I bought a couple of those plastic patio chairs a few days ago for when Susannah comes over. Susannah likes to be outside as much as I do. So we sit down and I instinctively take a deep breathe in preparation.

F: “So Buffy, what brings you to my part of town?”

B: “Honestly, I just felt like I had a lot of things that I still wanted to say.”

At this point I don’t say anything. I have the distinct impression that she is working up the courage to say whatever it is that she wants to say and I don’t want to do anything that will hinder her.

B: “First, I have a confession to make. You might not take this well, so please feel free to tell me to leave. I won’t be offended.”

I don’t say anything. My mind races for a second, but then I just look at her and nod and she takes the cue to continue.

B: “I have read your files. Your Council files and your police files.”

F: “Ok.”

B: “I have read about your life. All of it, from the time you were born until the time you were released from prison.”

I wasn’t expecting that. The wind has been knocked out of me. She knows everything about me that I never wanted anyone to know. How did the Council have all of this information on me? Who gave this information to her? Then I think, of course the Council knows about me, they knew about me and about my destiny from the time I was conceived. And the answer to the other question was simple- Giles. I don’t say anything.

B: “Would you like me to leave?”

I think about this for a second, but my head is still spinning a bit.

F: “No.”

B: “I just wanted to say that I understand.”

Ok, that kind of pissed me off. I can feel the spinning slowing down.

F: “You understand?”

B: “Well, yeah. I mean about your family and stuff.”

F: “Look if you drove all the way over to give me some pity speech, then you should just get up and go now. I don’t need your pity.”

B: “I don’t pity you. I just understand.”

F: “You understand? You understand what? Why little Faith was so fucked up in the head because she came from two crap ass parents. I don’t need your understanding Buffy.”

B: “No, I understand why I let you down. Why you were so hurt by me, by all of us. You needed more from us, from me and I never paid attention. I let you disappear for weeks at a time.”

F: “I didn’t need a fucking babysitter Buffy.”

B: “No, but you needed a friend. You had no one to trust and I did nothing to show you that you could trust me when I had the chance. I never opened up to you and let you in. And when I finally tried to, after Mrs. Post, after Angel, it was too late.”

I could feel myself calming down a bit. I needed a smoke and a stiff drink, but I would save that for later, when I was alone.

F: “Well, you know, you had no idea. You kind of had a lot going on in your own life.”

B: “I don’t think that is a good enough excuse. I appreciate you wanting to let me off, but I don’t want to be. All I want to say is that I’m sorry.”

F: “You don’t owe me an apology. I wreaked havoc on your life for no good reason.”

B: “Faith I am sorry.”

F: “I’m telling you Buffy you have nothing to be sorry for.”

B: “Faith I am sorry.”

Man, she is not going to let this go. Why won’t she let this go? I think that in the scale of life I have done a lot more damage to her, her family, and her friends than she ever did to me and she won’t stop saying that she is sorry. Why?

B: “Faith, I am sorry.”

F: “I get it Buffy, what do you want me to say?”

B: “Just forgive me. Accept my apology.”

F: “And how do I go about apologizing to you, huh? How do I apologize for all of the damage and hurt that I inflicted on you, on your friends, and on your family? How do I do that? All you did was ignore me, I don’t think I am owed an apology for that.”

B: “I need you to accept my apology. I don’t expect an apology in return, that is not why I am here.”

F: “Fine, Buffy, I accept your apology. You are forgiven.”

B: “Do you really mean that?”

I think about that for a second and I do mean that. I think about how hurt I was then and how alone and isolated I felt. I do forgive her. We were different people then.

F: “Yes, I do.”

I hadn’t realized how important it was for me to have her recognize that she did leave me out, that I was isolated from all of them. At this, I feel a weight that I didn’t even know that I had been carrying around on my shoulders lift.

B: “Thank you.”

We sit in silence for a bit. I just think. I want to say something, but I don’t know quite what to say. After thinking for a few minutes without any luck on how I could word it any better, I decide to just say it.

F: “Buffy?”

B: “Yes Faith?”

I look her directly in the eyes for the first time since this conversation started.

F: “I am so sorry. There have been so many times throughout the years that I have wanted to go back in time so I could talk to that little girl, tell her all the things that she should have known then. I was so busy then focusing on the bad hand that I felt that I was wrongly given, that I never realized that I had been dealt a new hand. I had been given a chance to really do something positive in this world, to make a difference, no matter how small. Knowing how I was then - so full of bravado, I’m sure that even if I could go back, I wouldn’t listen to myself. I wish I had all of these elegant words to say, or great excuses to give for why I did the things that I did. I wish I could take them all back now. The reality is that I can’t. I cannot change the past, I cannot make any of it better or any of it hurt less. But, I am sorry.”

B: “You just made things better Faith. Apology accepted.”

F: “Thank you.”

Once again, a feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders, even though a part of me feels that I don’t deserve it to be.

B: “I don’t want to rehash any of this again Faith. Time has passed we have both grown and changed so much. I just want us to start from this point forward. I want us to accept the fact that we both did unbelievably hurtful things to each other, but that we are fallible. We make mistakes and we forgive and we move on. Can you do that with me?”

F: “Yeah, I think I can.”

B: “Good.”

And with that she gets up out of her chair, put her arms out and leans towards me. I return the gesture, the embrace. Then she sits back down. We sit in silence for a while enjoying the quiet and the night air. What I say next takes me by surprise because I don’t even know that I am about to say it.

F: “You know I still think about them.”

B: “Who?”

F: “The people that I murdered- Finch, Professor Worth.”

B: “Oh.”

F: “I do care Buffy. I did care then. I just didn’t know how to handle it. When I killed Finch, in that one moment I became everything that I never wanted to be. With Professor Worth, I just thought it was my job- part of the new me.”

B: “I know. I knew it then, too. I’m sorry I didn’t do more to help.”

F: “There was nothing that you could have done. I am just so sorry.”

B: “I know, me too.”

We fall silent again. I don’t know what compelled me to say that. I had made peace with myself for what I had done years before. I guess I just needed to tell the only other person that was there with me that I knew what I had done. I had taken an innocent lives. No matter how many lives I had saved before then they couldn’t outweigh what I had done. I needed to tell the only other person that could understand.

B: “My mom died.”

She said that so quietly, I nearly missed it.

F: “I had no idea.”

I pause for a second and she doesn’t say anything.

F: “I am sorry.”

And I am. Joyce was a nice woman. I think back to the Christmas at Buffy’s house and the snow.

B: “It happened years ago.”

She falls silent.

B: “How did you get past your mom’s death?”

F: “I don’t think I ever have. I don’t know that you are supposed to, you know?”

She just looks at me and nods.

F: “It was so long ago for me. I always think that there was more that I should have done. I know that there is nothing that I could have done, but I still wish that I could have done something.”

B: “I think that too. She had surgery to remove a brain tumor. I thought that everything was going to be all right. She died just a few weeks later from an aneurysm.”

I don’t say anything. I don’t know what to say.

B: “I just feel like I should have been able to protect her. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I could protect her from vampires, monsters and mystical forces, but I couldn’t save her from her own body.”

I see the tears fall from her eyes, but she is not crying. I reach out and place my hand on her arm.

F: “I understand.”

She looks at me and nods.

We sit awhile longer. Then she looks over to me.

B: “I guess I should get going. Thank you for having me over.”

F: “It’s late Buffy are you sure you want to go?”

B: “Yeah, I need to go. I’ll be ok, don’t worry.”

F: “Ok.”

We carry our glasses into the kitchen.

B: “So, do you think that I could come back sometime, you know just to visit?”

F: “Anytime.”

I grab a little notebook next to the phone and write down my number.

F: “Here’s my number, you don’t have to surprise me anymore. I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

She laughs at that and I laugh with her. She jots down her number for me as well.

F: “Thanks.”

I follow her to the front door.

F: “Are you sure you’re ok to drive?”

B: “I’m good.”

F: “Ok, be careful.”

B: “Ok, Faith. When did you become such a worrier?”

F: “It’s the age, it’s catching up with me.”

She steps out on the front porch, turns around and hugs me and I hug her back.

B: “It was good to see you.”

F: “You too.”

B: “Ok, well, bye.”

I watch her get in her car, pull out of the driveway and drive off. I close the door and walk back into the kitchen. I grab a drink and my pack of smokes and go out on the porch. It was a good night, an unexpected night. I feel like Buffy and I are starting over.

One and a Half Years Later

POV Buffy

I am in my car driving again. It seems that I always do my most productive thinking while in my car. I guess it is because in the car I really have nothing else to do. And aside from the few hours that I spend sleeping, there is no other time that I am ever really alone. The past year and half has gone by so fast and left little time for reflection. The Hellmouth has been rather quiet recently, which has been nice. It has been years since an attempted apocalypse. I wish all of our personal lives had been as calm.

About a year ago Laura and Xander separated and the divorce was finalized last month. Xander did not take it well. It was hard to loose Laura. We had become so close, but she really didn’t want to be around much after their separation. She got a job with an architect firm up north. Xander is still trying to figure out what happened. They had been together for a few years before they got married and I think that we all thought that it was a good match, a lasting match. But, it just didn’t work out. Xander thought it might have begun with the discussion of kids, something that he wasn’t ready for and she wanted desperately. From that point on they just started to grow apart and pretty soon they were strangers to each other, each headed down a different path. It was difficult to see Xander hurting so much and to not be able to do anything constructive to help. But, he is doing better. He has started dating again, but you can see the fear in him now. The fear of sharing your life with someone so completely, and risking getting hurt more than you ever thought was possible. We spend a lot of time together. Sometimes he drops by the bookstore and we have lunch, or we get together after I patrol for drinks or dessert. I just try my best to be a good friend to him.

Willow, Dani and little Gracie are still doing great. Willow has been promoted to a full-fledged professor and now teaches her own classes. It means a lot more stress for her though. She has to write a lot of papers and spends a great deal of her time trying to get the papers she writes published in journals that I have never heard of. She assures me that it is just part of the job. At least she can do most of the research at home, so she still spends a lot of time with her family. They even have another little one on the way; Dani is due to give birth in about six months.

Giles is doing well. He has a new girlfriend now, Petra. It seems that Marie had a difficult time understanding what Giles does for a living, working for the council, battling demons and such. Giles and Petra have only been together a few months, so it is still left to be seen whether or not she will appreciate what Giles does, or if not appreciate it, then at least put up with it.

Even with the Hellmouth’s lack of activity I have stayed busy. Between slaying the ever-present vampires, running the bookstore, helping Xander, the trips to LA, and staying in touch with Faith, there has been little time for anything else. I have dated a few guys, but none with which I have been willing to break my policy of ending things before they got too serious. Willow assures me that the right person is out there, but honestly, with my schedule, it is going to take a lot for me to notice this person. I’m actually on my way to see Faith now. She had her last meeting with her parole officer on Monday and she signed her freedom papers. We are getting together for dinner to celebrate tonight, a little your finally really free dinner.

After that night on her porch, the night of a thousand apologies, we started to keep in touch. We didn’t become best friends or even fast friends right away, but that night we were given a second chance at something that we had almost completely destroyed in our youth. I was determined to take advantage of this opportunity, and her willingness to try told me that she felt the same way. At first we got together every month or so for dinner or a movie and we had the occasional phone call. We mostly just tried to keep up, just say hi and see how the other person was doing. As the months went on though, we started to open up more with each other and we found that, surprisingly, our personalities meshed well. We were no longer bound by the stereotypes that we were categorized by when we were younger. We were just two people now, just two friends. We started talking about our lives, I told her about the bookstore, which gave her quite a laugh, and she told me about the flower shop, which gave me a few laughs too. We talked about the Scooby gang and Dawn, something that I hadn’t mentioned, but that she had asked about. I guess we just started to take a real interest in each other’s lives. I have become friends with Susannah and we have had dinner together on some of my visits over.

Even my visits to see her have become almost a regular thing. We talk on the phone a few times a week now, and I come to see her almost every weekend. She has even made the trip to Sunnydale to see me. When I told her about Xander’s separation and divorce she was genuinely concerned. Faith went so far as to come to Sunnydale and have lunch with Xander. I didn’t go with them, at her request. We talked about it afterwards and she just said that a lot of burned bridges had been rebuilt. Seeing as they’re friends now, I didn’t press for details. I spoke with Willow about Faith and although there was trepidation at first, she trusted my decision. Willow invited Faith to accompany me on one of my monthly visits to see her in LA. After a little convincing on my part Faith agreed to go, she wanted to meet the little Gracie that I was always talking about. It was a good weekend and we had fun. Gracie surpassed all of Faith’s expectations and I could tell that she fell in love with the little girl like I had and Dani was her usual amazing self. During the weekend, Willow and Faith took a walk alone together, and although neither one of them shared with me the details of their conversation when they came in laughing together, it was obvious that an accord had been struck. Faith also came to Sunnydale when Dawn and her husband would come into town. They didn’t visit often, one of the drawbacks of law school and a fast paced career. But they were doing well, still honeymooning. Dawn had always liked Faith, the rebel Faith that she knew. Faith had always been the most honest with her. So she was ecstatic when she saw her again.

We have even talked about my dating policies and the guys that I would see and she told me about her weekend trips to LA. Our disastrous dating habits have brought us both many laughs. Aside from everything, I just liked being with Faith, we had fun, and we knew each other, really knew each other. Not to say we agreed on everything and that we didn’t have our share of disagreements about things, but we had forged a strong bond. We had developed a trust that we could be ourselves with each other, ugly parts and all, and know that neither one of was going to walk away from the other.

But, I think I enjoy the quiet days the best. The lazy Saturdays when I arrive in the mornings with breakfast in hand and we sit outside with just each other’s company. I’ll read and she’ll work on her garden and sometimes she’ll ask me to read to her from whatever book I’m reading. Some nights we even try to cook dinner ourselves. Ok, she actually can cook, and do it well. Some people just have a knack for being able to follow recipes, she is one of those people and I’m not. We found during my attempts that I just didn’t have the attention span needed to follow a recipe from beginning to end. I like to just combine several of the steps into one. For some reason that just never turns out well, so when we decide to stay in and cook, it’s her doing the cooking.

We’ve talked some about slaying, but not often, unless I needed her opinion on something incredibly nasty. She is out of the slaying business. She said it wouldn’t look good for a parolee to be roaming the cemeteries late at night with a wooden stake in her hand. It surprised me though, how she was able to let the slaying go when I remembered how at one point she defined her whole life by slaying. When I mentioned this, she really didn’t have an answer for me other than it was something that she no longer needed to feel worthwhile anymore. I respected that, and I respected her.

I pull up into her driveway, next to her jeep and it is such a calming feeling. I look forward to seeing her and spending time with her so much, that at times it surprises me. I pull out the gifts that I brought her from the back seat- they’re nothing big, a writing journal, she is always talking about starting one, and a copy of Dr. Seuss’s Oh, the Places You’ll Go, shut the door, and walk up the pathway to her house. She had left a key to her house under the mat a couple of months ago, so that I could let myself in one day when she was going to be working late. I had tried to return it, but she had told me to keep it just in case.

B: “Faith, it’s me.”

Something smells good.

F: “In the kitchen.”

I walk into the kitchen and give her a hug.

B: “Hi there, free woman. Are you cooking? I thought we were going out.”

F: “Hi to you. I just had the urge so I decided to go with it.”

B: “It smells amazing.”

F: “It’s chicken parmesan. It was easy, well it might be difficult for you, I think there were about four separate steps to the recipe.”

She laughs at my expense.

B: “Cheap shot, no points for that one.”

Faith pulls out two glasses, pours us each a glass of wine and hands me one.

B: “Thank you.”

F: “It should just be a few more minutes before dinner’s ready.”

B: “Good then there’s time for you to open your presents.”

F: “You brought me presents?”

B: “Well how many times does a girl finish her parole?”

F: “For this girl? Only once.”

B: “I’m glad to hear that.”

F: “You know you didn’t have to do this, but thank you B.”

She started calling me B again a while back. Unlike when we were younger though, she asked me if I minded when she called me that. I hated it so much when we were younger, but I like it now. To me it represents how close we have become; it is something that is just between us, something special.

B: “I wanted to, besides it nothing huge.”

I hand her the packages and she starts to unwrap them. She opens the journal first.

F: “A journal. This is so nice Buffy. Thank you. I guess I have no excuses now.”

B: “You only have to use it if you want to.”

F: “I do want to. Thank you.”

B: “You’re welcome, now open the other one.”

F: “Ok, ok, I’m moving as fast as I can.”

She opens up the book.

F: “You bought me a children’s book?”

B: “Look at the title.”

F: “Oh, the Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss.”

B: “I just thought that it was a good book for someone who was starting their life again, who was free. Besides you always talk about how much you wanted to travel once this day arrived.”

F: “It’s perfect. Thank you.”

She looks at the book a little longer and a look of realization comes over her. She is free now and she can go wherever she wants to. It’s a good look for her. She glances up at me and smiles.

F: “Thank you.”

B: “You’re welcome again. I am just so happy for you, so proud of you. Congratulations Faith.”

F: “Thanks. I think dinner is ready. Are you hungry?”

B: “Starving.”

F: “Good.”

We sit at the table where we eat and talk. Faith once again amazes me with her cooking. We talk about how fast the years the have gone by and how much has changed. After we finish cleaning up, I offer to do the dishes since she cooked, but we end up doing them together. We take our glasses and the bottle of wine into the living room. Faith then walks back into the kitchen where she gets the book I gave her and brings it to the couch where I am sitting.

F: “So Ms. Summers, do you think you’d mind reading to me?”

B: “Not at all.”

Faith sits next to me so that she can look at the pictures and listens while I read to her. I like these quiet moments with just the two of us. When I finish, she sits for a moment reflecting.

F: “Thank you B. I love it.”

B: “I’m glad you like it. I thought it fit the occasion.”

F: “So are you up for a movie.”

B: “Sure what did you have in mind?”

F: “How do you feel about Out of Sight?”

B: “George Clooney? You can’t go wrong there.”

F: “My thoughts exactly.”

Faith puts the movie on and we settle back onto the couch. At some point I fell asleep. I guess I was more tired then I thought. I wake up when I hear the television click off. I open my eyes and find that I have fallen asleep with my head in Faith’s lap facing the TV. I’m still a bit groggy and I just roll over so that I am now facing her. I just look up at her and we hold each other’s gaze for a few moments. She reaches down with her hand and runs her fingers through my hair in a comforting manner.

F: “Hey there.”

She speaks so softly to me.

B: “Hi. When did I fall asleep?”

F: “You made it about halfway through.”

B: “I’m sorry.”

F: “No problem.”

B: “What time is it?”

F: “It’s late.”

B: “I should get going.”

F: “You should just spend the night. I don’t want you falling asleep behind the wheel.”

B: “I have to work tomorrow.”

I finally decide that I should get up off of her lap. Reluctantly I sit up and face her.

F: “I have an alarm you know. You should just drive back in the morning. I would feel a lot better if you did that.”

B: “You win. Are you sure you don’t mind?”

F: “Not at all. Let me grab you some night clothes.”

Faith gets off of the couch and heads back towards her bedroom. I get up too and take the glasses and the empty bottle of wine into the kitchen. She comes in behind me.

F: “I put a pair of shorts and a tee in the spare bathroom for you, there are towels, a toothbrush and stuff in there for you too. Thanks for bringing in the glasses.”

B: “You’re welcome. Dinner was great. And thank you for the clothes and stuff.”

F: “No problem. So goodnight. Thank you again for the gifts and for the company.”

B: “You’re welcome and congratulations. Goodnight.”

We hug and she turns and walks out of the kitchen. She turns around again.

F: “I set the alarm for seven, is that enough time?”

B: “That’s perfect, thanks.”

F: “Goodnight.”

B: “Goodnight.”

I go to the bathroom and get ready for bed. I glance for a second at her closed bedroom door before I head into the guest room. I crawl into bed and just lay there. I keep thinking about that feeling of waking up in her lap. Of being that close to her, of the look that was in her eyes when I looked up and faced her and the feel of her hand running through my hair. I felt so safe there and everything just felt right. I liked being that close to her.

What did that mean though? I have no idea, but it just felt right. I lay here for about an hour and then I get up. I walk into the hallway and Faith’s door is still closed. When I get up close to it, I notice that it has not been pulled all the way closed. I quietly push it open and watch her for a few moments. The room is dark, but the moonlight is coming through the spaces in the blinds and it reflects upon her peaceful face. I watch her for a while and decide that I am invading her privacy in a huge way. I turn around to walk out, but at the last moment I make a rash decision. I walk over to her bed and slip under the sheets quietly, trying to not make too much movement. I just want to be close to her. I move over on the bed just far enough so that my leg is touching hers. She hasn’t moved, so I am hoping to go unnoticed. Just feeling her next to me calms me and I finally fall asleep.

POV Faith

After going into my room, I couldn’t fall asleep. Buffy had spent the night before, but tonight was different. She had been sitting on the couch next to me when she fell asleep. I didn’t want to wake her because I figured she needed the rest. After about twenty minutes she started moving and just kind of laid down. It just so happened that she ended up with her head in my lap. I thought that she would feel it, but she was sound asleep. I didn’t think anything of it. It was when she woke up after I turned off the television and turned her face towards me. It was that look that we shared. There was something there that I could not put into words. Without even thinking I just took my hand and ran it through her hair. So I was just lying in my bed when I heard the door being pushed open. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I didn’t know what she wanted. It seemed like she was just standing there for a while. I thought that she was going to leave, but then I heard her walking across the room towards the bed. I was facing away from the door towards the window. I felt her crawl into the bed and then slide over until her leg was touching mine. It felt good having her so close to me, her wanting to be so close to me. But what does it all mean? I don’t know.

I lay listening to her breathing until it becomes slow and deep and I know that she is asleep. I fight the urge to get up immediately and instead I fall into a restless sleep. The minute I close my eyes the dreams come, or rather the nightmares. My nightmares travel through different images never settling into one prolonged sequence. I am back in Sunnydale, Buffy and I are fighting, I am in prison getting beat down, waking up in solitary, watching helplessly as my watcher is killed, finding my mother dead. I tell myself that it is a nightmare, only a dream and that I need to wake up. I need to wake up. I need to wake up. And I do. I feel the sweat on my forehead, my hair is damp and Buffy is suddenly too close. She is still sleeping, but she has rolled over and is now facing me. In addition to her leg touching mine, her hand is holding onto my arm. It is too much and I know that I have to get some air.

I carefully pull myself free because I don’t want her to wake up. I walk quietly out the door and pull it closed. In the kitchen I grab my smokes, pour myself a drink and head out to the comfort of the porch. The night air chills my sweat-drenched head and I walk back in and get a blanket. I wrap myself up in the blanket, sit back down, light a cigarette and take a long drink. I think for a few moments about the nightmare, but it is nothing new. They are the same thoughts that have always haunted me and I expect that they always will.

I think about Buffy. I don’t know what to think about Buffy. Maybe I am making something out of nothing. She was just looking for comfort. It is no different than when I give her a hug. We have become good friends over the past year or so, best friends really, at least for me. I have never been as close to anyone as I am to Buffy. After some thought, and a few cigarettes I decide that I am overreacting. I stay out on the porch because I don’t want to go back into my bedroom and wake up B. I think that I will just go sleep on the couch. I light up one more smoke before heading in.

B: “Faith?”

F: “Hey Buffy.”

B: “Are you ok?”

F: “Yeah, I’m good.”

B: “Are you sure?”

F: “Yeah, all good.”

B: “I just… um, I guess I hope you aren’t out here because of me. I just you know…”

F: “Oh no B, no worries. I just had, you know, a bad dream.”

B: “Do you want to talk about it?”

F: “No, it was just a rehash of stuff, nothing specific. It’s been a busy week, you know.”

B: “So you’re ok?”

F: “Yeah, don’t worry so much.”

B: “I’m sorry for sneaking into your bed. I just wanted…”

F: “No worries Buffy, really I understand.”

I’m not ready to have this discussion now.

B: “No Faith, I just want to explain.”

F: “Buffy it’s ok.”

I am really not ready to talk about this.

B: “Ok, well, do you want to go back to bed?”

F: “Yeah, we should try and get some sleep. I’m sorry for waking you.”

B: “You didn’t, but we should get some sleep.”

Conversation successfully avoided. I get up and pick up my glass and pack of smokes.

B: “I didn’t realize that you still smoked.”

F: “I don’t much. It is more of a nervous habit, I guess I find it comforting at times. We should head in.”

I take the blanket, glass and smokes into the kitchen and set them down. When I walk back from the kitchen, Buffy is standing in the doorway to the guest room.

B: “I guess this is goodnight again.”

F: “Guess so. Well, try and get a few hours of sleep.”

B: “You too.”

I start walking to my bedroom and she turns around to her room. I stop walking and turn towards her room.

F: “Buffy?”

B: “Yeah?”

F: “If you want, you can sleep in my room. You know if you want to.”

What did I just say? I know that I did not mean to say that.

B: “Are you sure, I don’t want to keep you awake. I should just sleep in here.”

That was close. I shouldn’t look too relieved.

F: “Ok, well whatever you want. You weren’t keeping me awake though.”

B: “Well, if you are sure you don’t mind, maybe I will.”

Shit.

F: “No, I don’t mind at all.”

Buffy walks out of the guest room and follows me into mine. Now what. We walk to opposite sides of the bed and tentatively get under the covers. We both lay down on our backs with about a foot in between us.

B: “Your bed is really comfortable.”

F: “I like it.”

What do you say to that?

F: “Well goodnight.”

B: “Goodnight.”

I close my eyes and everything is still for a moment. I can hear Buffy breathing next to me. I know we are both awake. I feel a shift in the bed and I feel her eyes on me. What do I do? She knows I am not asleep. Should I just lay here with my eyes closed and hope that she turns away. Against my better judgment I open my eyes. She is now on her side, a bit closer, but we are still not touching, she is propped up on her elbow and her head is resting on her hand. The moonlight is illuminating her face and she looks beautiful. She is my friend though, I have never looked at Buffy in terms of beauty and I definitely don’t need to be thinking about her like that now. But, she does look beautiful.

B: “Faith.”

I don’t say anything, I know what is coming. She tilts her head down towards mine. Her eyes are open and she softly touches her lips to mine. She pulls back and looks at me expectantly. I don’t say anything, I don’t know what to say and I just keep looking at her. She tilts her head down; this time with her eyes closed, and brings her lips again to mine. This time I respond. I close my eyes and just enjoy the sensation of being kissed. Her lips are so soft and the touch is so light. I capture her bottom lip and the intensity increases slightly.

She moves over, laying her body partly on mine, her left leg falling between mine. She moves her left arm so that it is along my side, her hand on the back of my head and I move my hands onto her back, gently running my hands along her spine. The kisses continue and I know that my breath reeks of alcohol and cigarettes, but she doesn’t seem to mind. I feel her tongue lightly trace my bottom lip and I open my mouth to her. I stop all the thoughts that are running through my mind and give in completely to what is happening. Her tongue enters my mouth slowly, just taking in the feeling of being there. I let her explore, as she runs her tongue across my teeth, along the ridges and then our tongues entwine. I can feel her fingers tangled in my hair pulling our mouths closer together. We breathe together, not breaking the motion we have built. And it is mind blowing.

I had never thought about this happening, but if I had, I think it is safe to assume that this exceeds any expectation I could have possibly had. We kiss for what seems like hours, my hand gently exploring her back and running up to the back of head and through her soft hair. I feel her left hand make its way down my side while she still uses her right arm to balance herself on top of me. Her hand continues traveling down my side until it reaches the bottom of my tee. She runs her hand along the bottom of my shirt and lifts the material with her thumb allowing her hand access to my skin. The feeling of her hand on my skin is electric and I want to feel her skin under my hands. I pull my own hands down her back and run them under her tee. Her back muscles are so strong and I feel her skin form goose bumps under my touch. With this she lets out a soft moan into my mouth. And we stay like this, exploring each other’s mouths and each other’s skin.

We take our time; there is no hurry and I let her lead the way. Her hand has been running along my stomach, my side, and my back and I have run my hands from her shoulders down to the small of her back and along her sides. Her hand comes once again to my front and she softly takes one of my breasts in her hand. I respond immediately to her touch and instinctively my hands travel to her breasts with the same response. We continue to learn each other’s bodies and our kisses have begun to travel across each other’s faces and necks. She kisses me along my jaw line and along the side of my neck to the curve. She opens her mouth and sucks hard and I feel her teeth along my skin. It sends shivers up my spine and I know there will be a reminder of this kiss tomorrow.

Our touches aren’t urgent, we are still fully clothed, but the pressure is increasing. I feel her hand moving along the valley between my breasts and down my stomach, she stops at my belly button and her thumb rests there for a second. I know where this is going. Her hand starts moving again and her lips find mine. Her hand is running along the waistband of my shorts and her fingers slide between the material and my skin. I can’t do this. I’m not ready for this. I pull my hand quickly from under her shirt and place it softly on her hand. I stop the kiss with the sound of my voice.

F: “Buffy wait.”

B: “What’s wrong Faith?”

F: “Nothing, nothing is wrong, this is all very good. I am just not ready for this.”

Did I just say that?

B: “Is it me?”

F: “No Buffy. No it is not you.”

B: “What is it, why did you stop me?”

F: “It’s just that physically everything feels right, everything feels really good, great actually, but…”

B: “But what?”

F: “I don’t know the right words to explain this. This is all moving so fast and I’m not thinking too clearly. I don’t know how I feel about this and I don’t know how you feel about this. And I don’t know where this will leave us afterwards, do you?”

B: “No I don’t.”

F: “Doesn’t that frighten you?”

She rolls off of me and lies back down on her back.

B: “Yes, it does. I just know that nothing has ever felt so right and so real to me as this, but I don’t know what it all means.”

F: “I want to know what it means B, before we move further.”

We lay silently and I know that she agrees with me.

B: “Faith?”

F: “Yeah?”

B: “Would you mind if I just kissed you again?”

F: “I wouldn’t mind that.”

And we kiss again, a long deep kiss full of emotion, but without the knowledge of its meaning. After, she settles back and we wrap our arms around each other. Our breathing slows and soon sleep overtakes us. I wake up just before seven and she is gone, only a note on the pillow. In the note she tells me that she didn’t want to wake me but she will call later. I sigh, roll over and twist the blinds open slightly to watch the sun rising on a new day.

POV Buffy

I wake at six and turn off the alarm so it won’t go off later. I carefully pull myself out of Faith’s arms and just sit on the bed watching her. She was right to stop us. I wasn’t being fair to her or to myself, continuing on without knowing why it was even happening. She looks so beautiful with the rising sun peeking through the blinds and lighting up her face. I want to stay here and wait until she wakes up to talk, but I still don’t know what to say. She needs answers and I need to be able to provide her with some, at least from my side.

The drive back to Sunnydale passes quickly as my mind is full of so many thoughts. I go home to shower and change and then head into the store. I have one question that I need to answer, do I love her. I know that I love Faith as a friend, as a best friend, if there is a difference, but am I in love with her. Loving her will mean that we will risk losing our friendship if it doesn’t work out. All of these thoughts run through my head. Then of course I need to know how she feels about me. I don’t know if I am in love with her. I am not sure that I know how to define what being in love is. The only experience I have is what I had with Angel, doomed teenage love. How do I compare what I feel towards Faith with that? I can’t, they are far too different. I still feel her lips on mine, her hands on me, the taste of her, the smell of her. I know that Faith is going to LA tonight and I feel a pang of jealousy in my stomach, in my heart.

POV Faith

The day passes slowly although my mind is full of thoughts. I have never been in this position before. I have never had the opportunity of loving someone and them loving me back. I have never been in love before and I don’t know what it is supposed to feel like. I need a book or something so that I can look up the definition of being in love and know for sure what it is supposed to be, to feel like.

I was planning on going to LA tonight, but it just feels wrong now, and I don’t really feel like picking someone up for anonymous sex. I stay in bed for the rest of the morning finally dragging myself out around noon. Throughout the day I find myself touching the place on my neck where Buffy has laid her mark and thinking about what it means. After I finish dinner, left-over from last night, I hear the phone ring. I know it is Buffy and I can’t bring myself to answer it so I let the answering machine pick up.

B: “Hi Faith, it’s me, Buffy. I just wanted to say hi. I know that you are in LA, but I am hoping that you’ll call me when you get in tomorrow. And, um, I just wanted to say too that I am thinking about you. So, ok, I will talk to you later. Ok, bye.”

I return to the only comforts I know and head out to the porch.

I don’t call Buffy back on Sunday or Monday, or even Tuesday. She doesn’t call me either. I go to work and go home and I think about things that I know nothing about. I tried to talk to Susannah a bit, but when I couldn’t put into words what I wanted to ask, I just let it go. It is better that I figure this out on my own anyway. The phone rings on Wednesday and I know it is Buffy. I pick up. We talk briefly. She doesn’t ask about LA and I don’t tell her that I didn’t go. We assure each other that we are doing fine and that our work places are both very busy. I can feel that she is relieved to just hear the sound of my voice, as I am to hear hers. We say our goodbyes and hang up.

This house suddenly feels too small and this town too claustrophobic. I can sense Buffy everywhere here. I can feel her on my skin, on my lips, and I can still taste her. I know that I need to get out of town for a few days. I go into work on Thursday morning and ask Susannah if I can send some flowers to a friend. She doesn’t even think about it before telling me yes. I arrange a small bouquet of flowers and write a card.

Buffy, I’m not sure if you were planning on coming over this weekend, but I am going out of town for a few days. I will call you when I get back. Faith.

I give Manny the address and he agrees to deliver them this afternoon. Susannah and I eat lunch in the back room together and I ask her if she minds if I take Monday off so that I can have a long weekend. She asks me if everything is ok and I tell her I’m fine that I just wanted to take a few days off. She agrees without hesitation as I have never taken a day off before, or even called in sick for that matter. I breathe a sigh of relief at this. I am planning on going down to LA on Friday and I want to disappear for a while. I don’t want to think about Buffy and our situation; I don’t want to think about anything.

After work Friday, I go home, pack and head down to LA. When I arrive, it is too late to go out. I am tired from the week and from the drive, so I crash in the motel room. Saturday I just walk about the city a bit. I go into a bookstore and browse and it just brings Buffy to the forefront of my mind. Once she’s there I can’t shake her. Later that night, I get ready and go out to a new club, one that I haven’t been to before, one where no one will know me. I am looking for someone, someone who will push Buffy out of my thoughts. I find him. He is good looking and doesn’t ask any questions, not even my name. We dance and everything starts to intensify. He brings his head down to kiss me and I turn away. This is not what I want. I excuse myself and leave.

At my motel room, I lie on the bed smoking too many cigarettes. I don’t know what to do. At about three in the morning I go to the front desk and check out. I get in my car to drive home. The drive is long, but I am wide-awake. I finally reach my destination about five-thirty and walk up to the front door. I ring the doorbell and wait. After a few moments the door opens.

B: “Faith. Hi.”

F: “Hi Buffy. I’m sorry to wake you.”

B: “Are you ok? Come in.”

F: “I’m good, kind of. I don’t want to come in. Can you come with me?”

B: “Uh, sure. Let me just go throw on some clothes. Come in, I’ll only be moment.”

F: “You know I’ll just wait out here.”

B: “Ok, I’ll be right back.”

And she goes. She leaves the door open though, so I stay on the porch. She looks good, sleepy, but good. I don’t know what I am doing here, or how I ended up here. When I started driving, I just went where my heart lead me.

She comes back down and we get into my jeep and drive. We don’t talk, only drive. When I finally stop the car, we are on a bluff overlooking Sunnydale. I don’t have any idea of what I am going to say, so we don’t speak. We both climb into the back seat and sit side by side our bodies touching. The silence continues as we watch the sun begin to rise. Buffy is the first to speak.

B: “I got the flowers that you sent. They’re beautiful, thank you.”

F: “I’m glad that you like them.”

B: “I’m glad that you came back.”

F: “I don’t know what to do here Buffy. We have so much to lose. I have never had a friend, a best friend before. And that is what you are to me, my best friend.”

B: “You’re my best friend too, Faith.”

F: "What do you want Buffy? What do you want from me? Is this just about comfort, about sex; is it just two lonely people hooking up?"

B: “No Faith, not for me. This is about us. I want a relationship with you- just you and me.”

I don’t know what to say to that. It is what I was hoping she would say, but it doesn’t make the picture any clearer.

B: “Faith, I want to love you.”

F: “But…”

B: “No, wait, that came out wrong. I want you to let me love you, to let me in.”

F: “The risk is so great here Buffy.”

B: “Sometimes you have to take risks Faith, in order to find out what is possible.”

F: “I don’t think I could take losing you B.”

B: “I know that I can’t lose you Faith.”

We are looking at each other now, as the sun continues to rise. I can see the tears in her eyes, although they do not fall, and I know my own eyes are filling too.

F: “I’m scared Buffy.”

B: “Why did you come here this morning Faith, what brought you to my house?”

F: “I just followed my heart.”

B: “Follow it now Faith, what is it telling you now?”

And with that I tilt my head down and bring my lips to hers. I feel the tears fall from her eyes and they moisten my cheek, my lips. The kiss is soft and filled with promise. When it ends we just sit back and watch the sunrise. She curls up against me, laying her head on my shoulder and wrapping her arms around my waist. I wrap my arms around her and hold her close. And we once again fall silent.

B: “What time is it?”

F: “I hold my wrist up so that she can see my watch.”

B: “Shit, I have to get to the bookstore. Can you take me over there?”

F: “Sure.”

B: “I just have to open it up and let in the morning crew. Will you stay with me? Will you come back to my house with me?”

F: “Of course.”

B: “What time do you have to go back today?”

F: “I don’t. I took tomorrow off from work. I don’t have to leave until tomorrow night.”

She smiles the most amazing smile and it is only for me.

B: “Good. I’ll makes arrangements at the store to take tomorrow off too then.”

F: “You don’t have to, you know. I can go back tonight or tomorrow when you need to go in.”

She places a finger on my lips to silence me.

B: “I want to take tomorrow off, I want to spend the day with you.”

And with that she kisses me again. Sometimes you just have to do what you're told. We get back in the front seats and drive to the bookstore. While she goes in, I notice the coffee shop next door and decide to get some breakfast. We both meet back at the car at the same time.

B: “Hey you.”

There is that smile again.

F: “Hi.”

B: “Everything is all set for tomorrow.”

F: “I picked up some coffee and breakfast.”

B: “I see that. Thank you.”

F: “Where should go now.”

B: “Let’s go back to my house.”

F: “Good plan.”

I feel calm, for the first time since last week. It is a good feeling, although I am wary of happiness. I have never been able to sustain happiness in my life for any length of time. I don’t know how I’ll react when faced with it. We get back to her house I grab my overnight bag from the back, and Buffy takes our breakfast inside.

F: “I am starving.”

B: “We should definitely eat then. Why don’t we take everything to the back porch?”

F: “I’m going wherever the food is going.”

B: “Well the food is headed out back, so you should follow.”

We eat and talk and laugh. When we are finished, Buffy gets out of her lounge chair and comes to sit with me in mine. She sits between my legs and lies up against me. I wrap my arms around her. I guess the week has finally caught up with me and I fall asleep. I don’t know how long I’m asleep, but I soon feel Buffy lightly waking me.

B: “We need to get you inside and into bed.”

I am still a bit groggy.

F: “Ok.”

We go inside and back into her room. She has my bag with her and I change into shorts and a tee. She changes too, into a similar outfit and we climb into bed. I lay down on my side and she comes behind me and wraps her arm around my waist pulling me as close to her as possible. We both fall into a peaceful sleep. When we wake it is late afternoon.

B: “Good afternoon.”

F: “I didn’t realize I was so tired.”

B: “I know, me either. Do you feel like getting some dinner?”

F: “I could eat.”

B: “Good. Let’s get dressed and go.”

F: “Do you mind if I shower first? I can’t remember the last time I showered and it is kind of grossing me out.”

B: “Of course. Towels and everything are in the bathroom.”

F: “Thanks.”

I shower and we get dressed. We head out to a small restaurant and have a nice dinner. During dinner, though, I can feel my need to be with her increasing. The look in her eyes tells me that she is feeling the same way. Our bodies stay in contact throughout dinner, whether it is holding hands, or touching thighs or wrapping our arms around each other’s waists. When dinner is over, we head straight home. At this point the tension is greater than either of us can handle. We barely get the door closed before Buffy has me pushed up against the door kissing me hard. I kiss her hard back and everything is filled with an intense sense of urgency. Clothes are pulled off and the kisses are bruising. We make our way to her bedroom, where the rest of our clothes are discarded. We take each other hard and fast, both of us needing an immediate release. There is little time to explore the other person. The love is just raw and intense and urgent. Our bodies are dripping with sweat and the breathing is fast and when we both release we collapse on each other.

B: “Wow.”

F: “Wow.”

We both lay there silently and I pull a sheet up from off of the floor to cover us. We hold on to each other and drift off to sleep. I awake sometime later to soft kisses on my neck and shoulder. Our eyes meet and I smile at her and she smiles back.

B: “Faith I need you.”

She gives me a long deep kiss and then I pull away.

F: “Buffy, don’t you need to patrol?”

B: “I think that I am going to give myself a night off for good behavior. Is that ok with you?”

F: “Surprisingly, I am ok with that.”

I reach up and capture her lips with mine, but there is no rush. Each kiss is almost painfully slow with want. We discover everything about each other mouth’s and with each breath she takes and gives I feel like she is breathing new life into me. Our mouths move beyond our lips and we explore each other completely, tasting each other and drinking each other in. As she kisses her way back up my body, she looks at me and holds my eyes with hers. All our words are whispered to trap the stillness of the night.

B: “You are so beautiful Faith.”

F: “And you Buffy are stunning and amazing.”

B: “I love you Faith. I am in love with you.”

F: “And I am in love with you Buffy. I love you.”

And with that she brings her lips softly to mine and we start all over again. We make love all through the night and into the morning. We sleep some waking only to take each other again. Monday is spent mostly in the bedroom. We have ice cream in bed for a late brunch, seeing as it is almost the only thing Buffy has in her entire kitchen. We eventually get up for showers, but we both end up in the shower at the same time, which only leads to us getting back into bed. For dinner we decide on take out so that we don’t have to leave the house. Our only disagreement comes when deciding who will have to get dressed to answer the door. I eventually relent, but once I close the door, Buffy pushes me up against the wall again and quickly disrobes me.

B: “I don’t really want to see you in clothes now Faith.”

Eventually we get around to eating dinner.

B: “So what time do you need to leave?”

F: “I guess I should be getting back on the road soon.”

B: “Can you stay the night and leave in the morning?”

F: “I think I can do that.”

She shows her appreciation for my answer with a searing kiss and here we go again. Unfortunately, the alarm goes off far too early in the morning. I reluctantly pull myself out of her arms and go to take a shower alone. When I get out, she has made me a cup of coffee in a little travel mug for the drive.

F: “Thank you B.”

B: “Just remember it’s the thought that counts when you actually taste it.”

F: “I’ll do that.”

B: “When can I see you again?”

F: “I’m free tonight.”

B: “I can come over after I patrol.”

F: “What time do you think you’ll be done?”

B: “I’ll do an early sweep. I can probably leave her around midnight.”

F: “Why don’t I just meet you here then?”

B: “That’s not fair Faith. I don’t want you to do all the driving.”

F: “It’s ok, I don’t mind meeting my girlfriend who happens to spend her nights saving the world.”

B: “We’ll take turns, ok?”

F: “Deal.”

B: “I love you.”

F: “And I love you.”

We get distracted once again by lips and hands. She finally pushes me away.

B: “You need to go now because soon I won’t let you go anywhere.”

F: “I’m not complaining.”

And I take her lips with mine again.

B: “Go now.”

F: “All right, all right. Bye.”

B: “I’ll see you later.”

And with that, I head over to the flower shop. The smile won’t leave my face.

Eleven Months Later

POV Buffy

Words and Music by Heather Nova- “It’s Only Love”

Nearly a year has passed since the morning that Faith came to my house and we joined our lives together. For the first six months, our honeymoon phase, we were inseparable. We never spent a night apart. We slept little and relied on adrenaline and our need for each other to carry us through. Those six months were nothing short of amazing, but looking back we were just running together, running to escape the realities of life that we could feel slowly creeping up on us. Faith accompanied me everywhere I went, and I did the same with her. She went with me every month to visit Willow and her family, and she went with me the few times I went to visit Dawn and her husband. I was nervous telling everyone about us, for no reason it turned out. By this time, so many years had passed and we had all been through so much and everyone had grown to know and love Faith for the person she is now. Even Giles was only happy that I had found someone. Seeing us together as a couple was just seen as a natural progression.

Those months were filled with surprise lunch visits, flowers and letters. Nights were spent whispering and holding each other close. I loved being with her, my hands were constantly on her and her hands never left me. We would walk and I would put my hand in her back pocket or around her waist. I loved having her to lean over to and whisper in her ear. I loved making her laugh with some obscure comment. I loved sitting tangled with her on the couch. I loved the feeling of her arms around me, her hand on my lower back. We shared everything with each other. We talked about our childhoods, our parents, losing our mothers and what it was like to have fathers that we didn’t even know anymore. We talked about the possibility that either of us could have siblings we would never know. Faith opened up to me about her time in prison and I shared with her my time in heaven.

There were still nights when the nightmares came. Faith would abruptly get out bed and I would reach over to her pillow feeling it drenched with sweat and know that she was being haunted. I would pick up a blanket from the bed and go to the back porch where I knew that I would find her. I wrapped the blanket and myself around her tightly, just letting her know that she wasn't alone. We would stay that way until her heart’s rapid pace slowed and her body was no longer shaking. Sometimes, after the calm had come, she would find the courage to speak to me, to tell me what she had seen. Other times when the emotions were too overwhelming, and the words could not be formed, I just held her tighter in my arms, letting her tears wash over us. Even though the circumstances were awful, I felt so privileged just to be let in, for her to let me comfort her, and hold her close. Just to know that in her time of need, she turned to me. There were funny stories too, about all of the embarrassing incidents that happened to us growing up. I have never felt so completely connected to another person.

For those six months we built and lived in our own little world, and for the past five months we have watched as our world has come apart. Susannah, Faith’s boss was diagnosed with cancer. Although it was treatable she was unable to run the shop while receiving the necessary treatment. She handed that responsibility over to Faith. Faith also took over caring for Susannah. She didn’t have family close by, except for Faith. It was so hard on Faith to watch this woman that she loved like a mother become so sick. The only thing that kept her going was the thought that Susannah would get better, that she would recover. I tried to be there for her as much as possible, but I still had my responsibilities to the store and my slaying duties.

I think often about the first night that we spent apart. Faith had been at the shop all day and then at Susannah’s for most of the night. I called her on her cell phone about three in the morning once I finally got back in from patrol. It had been a nasty night; a bunch of newbies out reeking havoc and it had been my night to drive over to Faith’s. When I called her, she was tired and driving back to her house for a few hours of sleep before going into work. We both knew that by the time I drove over there it would be time for her to go into the shop. We assured each other that it would just be for one night, that everything was ok. We were dealing with circumstances beyond our control. We loved each other and this will soon pass.

That night was the beginning and the thread that bound us so tightly together started to unravel. One night spent apart turned into several. And then the several turned into weeks. Xander and I went down to see Willow after Dani had given birth to little Alex. And Faith lived her life separate from mine. We still talked everyday, still professed our love, but the conversations had become short and we were becoming strangers.

	I used to think that I knew what we needed
	Just assumed we would always be fine
	Now I don’t think that we lost the feeling
	But we let everything build up inside

Neither one of us had been in a relationship as adults before. It was painfully obvious that we didn’t know how to balance the realities of life and each other.

	It’s only love
	But love should make us strong
	It’s only love
	But love has been hurting so long

When we were on the phone or with each other, we had so much to say, but instead we said nothing. When I went down to spend the night one weekend, I awoke to find myself alone in the bed. I found Faith on the porch with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I knew from long ago that these were her comforts, things that she turned to, to provide peace in her head. My heart ached. I was no longer that comfort. I walked outside and sat next to her, I had a speech prepared in which I was going to pour out my heart to her and hope she would do the same for me. No words escaped my lips and I just took the glass from her hand and took a drink, letting us drown in silence.

	What a challenge, honesty
	What a struggle to learn to speak
	Who’d have thought that
	Pretending was easier

	It’s only love
	But love has been hurting so long

I knew in my heart that I loved Faith that I was still in love with Faith. We had just become lost to each other. I was terrified that we would not be able to find us. On those rare silent nights that we spent together I could see the love she still felt for me in her eyes, but I also saw the fear and pain that she had expressed to me on that morning so long ago. I kept hoping that when Susannah got better things would improve. Susannah went into remission about six weeks ago and started back at the shop last month. Nothing had changed. We had risked everything and now we were losing it all. When we held each other on those nights, it was no longer out of joy or happiness, we were holding on for life, for love.

	And it’s all a part of me, it tears at my heart
	Only love
	And it’s all an eternity, hoping to learn
	Only love

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make things better. I don’t know how to reach Faith or how to let her reach me. I know that I don’t want to lose her. That having her in my life gives me hope. She is in full defense mode now, trying to protect herself from getting hurt anymore. I know that it is up to me to try to save us, only I don’t have any answers. I need her to meet me half-way, I need to know where she stands and what she wants.

	There’s a part of you I’m trying to reach
	Still a part that I don’t know,
	Tell me, is devotion a gift or a thief?
	Do you wish I’d let go?

I can sense that she is waiting for this to come to an end, so that we can get back to living our lives apart from each other. I’m not ready to give up. I pull up in Faith’s driveway and pray that the words will come.

POV Faith

I make my way through the kitchen and to the back porch with a drink in one hand and my pack of smokes in the other. Buffy is on her way here now. She called me earlier and asked if she could come over. I remember a time when she no longer needed an invitation to come over, but that seemed like forever ago. I know that tonight is the end for us. I have seen it coming for a while now and I had no way of stopping it. Part of me doesn’t want to stop it from happening. Sometimes I think that I would be better alone anyway. I thought that when Susannah got sick it would put everything in perspective for me. That I would hold those I loved even closer to me, knowing how quickly it could all be taken away. It had the opposite effect.

Buffy and I had grown closer than I ever thought possible. I have to admit that I loved being with Buffy. Just feeling her next to me wherever we went. Putting my arms around her, listening to her whisper in my ear, knowing that her words were meant only for me to hear, for me to understand. Being part of a couple has added meaning to my life, someone more than myself to think about. But life is too hard alone, when you add another person to the mix, it becomes impossible. I hate what has happened to us over the last several months. I hate that I feel so powerless to do something to save us. There were so many times that I wanted to say something, but my words had failed me. I love Buffy. With everything that I am I love Buffy. Love doesn’t hold all the answers though. The realties of life have caught up with us. I hear her car pull up into the driveway. I don’t get up. She’ll find me out here eventually.

POV Buffy

Words and music by Vanessa Carlton- “Pretty Baby”

I let myself into her house; she knows that I am coming over. I can see the back doors open to the porch and I know where to find her, I drop my purse and bag on the floor and walk towards her. She is sitting on the second step of the porch, a drink on the top step and I see a cigarette in her hand. I know that she has heard me, but she doesn’t acknowledge my presence. I come up and sit down behind her, placing one leg on each side of her. I bend down leaning onto her and I reach my arms under hers and wrap them around her, placing my head on her shoulder. I watch as she continues to inhale and exhale on her cigarette. I keep my head on her shoulder.

B: “I am not letting you go Faith.”

F: “I don’t think the circumstances are giving us much of a choice here Buffy.”

B: “I am not letting us go Faith.”

With those last words her body relaxes into mine and I readjust, placing my head on top of hers. We sit in silence for a while. She lights up another cigarette and I take a long drink from her glass. I watch as she consumes this cigarette and then stubs it out into the ashtray by her feet. I feel her lifting herself off of the step and I sit back, pulling my arms reluctantly away. I feel a slight panic run through me, thinking that she is going to walk away from me. Instead she joins me on the top set, facing me, I turn, face her and lean against the porch post. She picks my legs up and moves over as close to me as she can get and drapes my legs over her. I relish the contact. She looks at me, our eyes meeting for the first time since I arrived.

F: “I love you Buffy.”

B: “And I love you.”

F: “I don’t know what to do here. I don’t know how to fix this.”

She is running her hands over my legs in a comforting way.

B: “We haven’t tried to fix anything Faith. We have to give it chance.”

F: “Where do we start?”

B: “I love you and I want to be with you. When I look into the future, you are the one I want that future with, anything without you would be incomplete. How do you feel about me, about us?”

F: “I love you, too. I have tried to tell myself that I could live my life without you, that somehow it would be ok, but I know that it isn’t true. I want you B, I want us.”

B: “Then I think we have a good starting point.”

We sit and talk out on the porch for what seems like hours. We discuss the lives that we each want to have and how they fit together with each other. Then we discuss what we have to do to change things, to make them better. By the time we are done, we know that we have a long road ahead of us and that not everyone will be happy with the decisions that we have made. But, the decisions are ours, we have made them together, we have decided what is best for us. We are together and we plan to stay that way. She stands up and takes my hands in hers and helps me up, not letting go of my hands.

F: “Are you hungry? I can fix something.”

B: “No, not really, are you?”

F: “No.”

B: “Why don’t we just go to bed, babe?”

F: “I can go for that.”

I go to the front door and get my bag from where I dropped it earlier and then we head back to her bedroom. We change and crawl into bed. We lay close in bed, her back to me and I slide my hand underneath her tee. I have formed this habit of finding her scar, the scar that I gave her, with my hand and running my fingers over it. I don’t know why I started doing this, it is like a permanent reminder of our connection to each other, something tangible, and it reminds me of the pledge I made to myself never to hurt this woman again. After a few minutes of this, she takes my hand in her own and brings it to her lips. She kisses each finger and ends with a kiss to my palm. She interlocks her fingers with mine and rolls over to face me. We just sit and look at each other. She releases her hand from mine and starts tracing my face with her fingers. She brushes the hair back from my face and just looks into my eyes. Her hand continues to trace its way along my neck, down my arm, and onto my stomach.

Our words are only whispers.

F: “I love you baby and I have missed you so much.”

B: “I have missed you too.”

F: “You are so soft. I love just feeling your skin under my hands. Do you mind this?”

B: “I never mind your hands on me.”

Her hands come up to my lips and her fingers run along them. I open them taking her thumb in my mouth and sucking lightly. We stay here, whispering to each other, telling each other what we missed most and what we love about each other, just feeling one another and breathing each other in. Clothes are eventually removed until we are lying on each other, skin on skin. She is kissing up my neck, running her teeth along my skin, along my jaw line until she reaches my lips. She touches her lips to mine so softly and I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks.

F: “Baby, what is it, why are you crying?”

B: “Just tell me that you won’t give up on me Faith, on us.”

F: “I’m not Buffy, I won’t.”

I need more reassurance than that and my eyes are pleading with her to lay it all out on the line for me.

F: “I have made a lot of mistakes Buffy and they will haunt me for the rest of my life. I have little to show, little to be proud of. I am proudest of you, of us. I give myself to you, it is all I have to offer you.”

B: “I will protect you Faith, I will protect us, with my life.”

She places her lips on mine again, full of promise, full of hope. We take everything slow, reacquainting ourselves. Our bodies are brought to the brink of pleasure, but we just hold it there constant, not taking it over the edge. We are in no hurry. We taste each other, and feel each other, the sweat starting to drench the sheets beneath us. Finally, when we can not hold out any longer, we take each other together, making it last as long as possible, waves of pleasure rolling over us, sustaining us. In the early morning we succumb to sleep, still tangled together.

The alarm goes off shortly after we fall asleep. Faith groans in obvious displeasure. I place my lips next to her ear.

B: “Just stay in bed, you don’t need to get up.”

Her grunt in response brings a smile to my lips. I kiss her softly on the cheek and pull myself out of the warmth of the bed. A hand takes mine.

F: “It’s still early, we have time.”

She pulls me onto her wrapping her strong arms around me. Her hands run down back and cup my ass pulling me tightly to her.

	You light me up and then I fall for you
	You lay me down and then I call for you
	Stumbling on reasons that are far and few
	I’d let it all come down and then some for you

I find her lips with mine and kiss her deeply running my tongue along her teeth. My lips trace her jaw line finding her pulse and sucking hard I leave my mark on her as she moans out my name.

	Pretty baby don’t you leave me
	I have been saving smiles for you
	Pretty baby why can’t you see
	You’re the only one that I belong to
	I’ll be the embrace that keeps you warm
	For you’re the sun that breaks the storm
	I’ll be alright and I’ll sleep sound
	As long as you keep coming round, oh pretty baby

The sweat glistens off of our bodies as we move together as one.

F: “Oh Buffy, I love you so much.”

B: “Are you sure that’s not just the sex talking?”

F: “The sex is unbelievable, but you are so much more.”

B: “Good answer.”

I run my hands down her body feeling her soft skin under my fingers. I place hard kisses along her stomach, tasting the salt on her skin, making my way down.

	And I know things can’t last forever
	But there are lessons that you’ll never learn
	Oh just the scent of you it makes me hurt
	So how’s it you that makes me better

She moves inside me and I wrap my arms around her head, our eyes locking. We watch each other, taking each other in.

	Why can’t you hold me and never let go
	When you touch me it is me that you own
	Pretty baby oh the place that you hold in my heart
	Would you break it apart again… oh pretty baby

We come hard and she pulls me to her. We stay tangled up in each other, placing kisses upon each other’s face, neck and shoulders until we both can breathe normally again.

I finally make my way to the shower. I get dressed and come out of the bathroom to the smell of coffee. I follow the aroma to the kitchen where she is sitting on the counter next to the coffee maker. I walk up and stand between her legs and she wraps her arms around me.

F: “I poured you one for the road.”

I reach up and give her a kiss.

B: “Thank you.”

F: “So what’s the plan?”

B: “I’m going to go to work now, and I’ll call Giles. It is already afternoon there so he should be home. I should be done with work early, so I guess I’ll just meet you back at my house.”

F: “Good plan.”

B: “Are you sure you don’t mind becoming a commuter? That is a long drive that you are going to be doing twice everyday.”

F: “Buffy, we talked about this, it is only for the short term; everything will work itself out. Let’s not start deviating from the plan already.”

B: “Ok, but if you are ever too tired to drive, you better call me and I will come get