The Passage of Time
by BurntOrange
Rating: R

Disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon et al they are not mine.

POV Faith

Today was a long time in coming. It is moving day. Moving from the half-way house into my own place. A day I had almost given up on ever seeing. Ten years ago I had turned myself into the police and about thirty seconds after I had done that I regretted my decision. At sentencing I received three years for assault, three years in prison is an eternity to an eighteen year old.

For the first two years of my sentence I fought back, in anger, in frustration, in pain. I fought against everyone, the system, the other inmates, the guards, the family I never had, the pseudo-friends that had abandoned me, but mostly I fought myself. I hated myself. Every week when Angel came by he was an instant reminder of everything that I had once had, or maybe never had, but desperately wanted. His visits tapped into all of my rage. It was usually after these visits that I started trouble. I would start something with someone, or something, end up in lock down or solitary, and I would eventually find myself in another courtroom facing another judge for yet another sentencing. I passed through my first three additional hearings the same way I was passing through life, numb, and without a care. Year after year was added to my initial sentence, and I did not care. I don’t even think I heard a word anyone said to me, from the attorneys appointed to help me, to the judges who tried to figure me out. I took my punishment, who cared? Not me.

At my fourth sentencing I woke up. I listened to the judge for the first time. I listened as he told me that my initial sentence of three years had somehow turned into twelve years, with only two years time served. What? That is all I kept hearing in my head. What? Twelve years? How? When did this happen? Where was I during this? I woke up. I knew right then that I did not want to spend the next ten years of my life here. Not in this place, not with these people. I needed to do something, but what. Break out? I guess I could have done that, but it would just have been me running again. The truth was I could not out run the one thing that caused me the most pain, me.

I spent many hours after that sentencing thinking, something that I had not done since arriving two years before. I needed to find out who I was and figure out how to play the prison game so that I might taste freedom before my thirtieth birthday. Imagine a twenty year old worrying about seeing the light of day before they turned thirty. I had done this to myself and I needed to figure a way out. I started with Angel. He was a constant reminder of everything in my past. He unknowingly fueled a rage inside of me. If I was ever going to move forward, I needed to cut the last tie I had to the past. The following week, during his regular visit, I thanked him for all that he had done for me, and asked him not to come back. He protested at first, and I explained as best I could my reasoning. He finally relented, and agreed that he would not come again. Being Angel he made me promise that if I ever needed anything that I would call him. I agreed, even though I knew that I would not see him again.

When I started working my way back, I caught a lot of flack from the other inmates. Flack in the form of verbal taunts and regular beat downs from my fellow inmates. This time, I did not fight back. I followed the rules, I listened to the guards, I found words in my vocabulary that consisted of more than four letters and I kept to myself. I even managed to get my GED and take a few vocational classes. I did anything available to help pass the time. I also started to deal with myself, as much as I could deal with myself. Mostly I just decided to bury the past and not deal with it. What can I say? I am not one for deep psychological challenges. I did not forgive my parents for abandoning me, for raising me to fear everything but the hands that hit me. I did not forgive myself either. But I had to find a way to move forward and pushing it all down was the only solution I managed to come up with.

I served six more years this way. It was not all smooth, but I managed to stay out of trouble, out of sentencing. I received good quarterly reports and made my first parole hearing at twenty-six. I tried not to get my hopes up, but I wanted it so badly. I was turned down and I was devastated. My first instincts were to fight back, to undo everything that I had done for the last six years. What good was it anyway? But I held it together. At my next parole hearing, six months later, I was twenty-seven. Thanks to prison overcrowding, I was approved for transfer to a half-way house. It was not quite freedom, but it was a step in the right direction.

I moved into the house with twenty other women of various ages. I shared a room, chores, cooking responsibilities, everything. I was rewarded with a bit more privacy and a job. I started working at a flower shop sweeping, cleaning, and taking out the garbage, basically whatever needed to be done. Susannah was my boss and the owner of the shop. She took a chance on me and I was grateful. After a few months of working there, Susannah started to teach me how to make floral arrangements. Me, Faith, learning floral arranging, it made me laugh, and I am sure it would make anyone who used to know me laugh as well. The funny thing was that I enjoyed it. I had dealt with so much death and darkness in my life that the innocence and beauty of arranging flowers was a needed change of pace. It allowed me to create something with my hands instead of using them for destruction. Susannah said that I was a natural and after a few months of training, I was off janitor duty. After a year in the half-way house, I am now free. Well, free with another two years of probation.

So here I am, moving day. With the money that I have been carefully saving over the past year, I have rented a small two-bedroom house. It’s not much, but the neighborhood seems nice enough and I even have a yard. I have been contemplating getting a dog, but I think I am going to start with a plant. I don’t think that I am ready for a life to depend on me. I packed up my one duffel bag and said good-bye to my former roomies. I have to make one quick stop to meet my parole officer and then it is off to my house. My house, I like the sound of that. I still need to get some furniture, but it feels good.

I know that the Council might still be after me, but they have already had a year to track me down and kill me if they wanted to. I am taking that as a sign that they might just let me live my life. I have no intention of going back to slaying. I know it is a part of me, a part of who I am, but it is a life that I no longer want to live. I don’t want to be a part of the darkness, the night, the hunt or the kill. I don’t want to be the hunter or the hunted. I want to sit outside and feel the sun on my face.

At times though, if I let my mind wander, my thoughts will start to travel back through the years, no matter how hard I try to block it out. Sitting here on the bus on the way to my parole officer all the faces of those I have known once again flash before me. I try not to dwell on anyone of them, but as usual I end up settling on one- Buffy Summers. I still think about her sometimes. When I was first imprisoned, she clouded my every thought, but as the years passed I saw her face less and less. I was always so drawn to her. When I arrived in Sunnydale, I was so lost and hurt and angry. The one person who had taken me in, my watcher, I had let down and I was alone again. Seeing Buffy, Giles and the Scooby gang, it was the family that I never had, and all I wanted was to be accepted by them. But I wasn’t. At first, the Scoobies seemed to like me, or at least they enjoyed all of my tall tales. Giles seemed open to me. Even Joyce and Dawn took a liking to me. B on the other hand gave me the cold shoulder from the beginning. I thought that given time I would be able to earn her trust. I tried, as best I knew how. I was such a different person then. I had such little patience and it was taking forever to be inducted into their inner circle. I kept trying, but with each day and each rejection the anger inside of me was growing. I didn’t need them or this situation. I was a slayer, maybe not the only slayer, but a slayer nonetheless. I was sent to do a job and I was going to do it. I would go days without talking to any of them. Those days then turned into weeks and it seemed that I only received a call when something big was going down. I tried one last time to show Buffy my world. I opened myself up to her, put myself on the line and she seemed to be responding, then the Finch incident happened. I could see the wall go up between Buffy and myself immediately and I just pushed back. I didn’t care anymore. They all seemed so clean and moral and I knew that nothing would ever be the same after that. They would always see me as a loose cannon, someone they would always have to watch out for and would never be able to fully trust again. The rage inside me boiled over at this point. If they thought I wasn’t good enough for their group, then I would find a new group to fit into.

Joining the Mayor’s team wasn’t the brightest idea I’ve ever had, but he showered me with attention. Yes, I knew he was a monster, but at the time I thought that I was too. It was a match made in hell. When I woke up from the Buffy induced coma, my thoughts still revolved around raising hell, only my partner in crime had been killed. I didn’t know quite what I was going to do, but luckily the Mayor had thought ahead. I didn’t really think the body switching with Buffy thing through, though. I guess I just thought that maybe she would see what it was like to be me at least on the outside for a while. What it was like to be on the outside always looking in. Plus it wasn’t so bad to get inside B’s skin for a while and shake things up a bit. I think that was the beginning of my slide into oblivion. When I was in B’s body everyone I came in contact with looked at me with such trust and hope, all of them thinking that I somehow held the answers to making things better. I couldn’t stand it, so I decided to take off. Of course then I saw the news report, which sent me to the church, back to my own body, running off to LA and the long journey to this day.

Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes, Buffy would come into my dreams. I don’t know if I brought her into my dreams or whether she brought herself, but there she was. It only happened a few times during the first couple of years I was in jail. I would be having a dream, about what, I don’t remember, and she would walk through whatever it was I was dreaming about. I would see her walk through in the background, the same strong, confident, heroic Buffy that I used to know and that was it. During my third year, I only saw her one time. She wasn’t walking through this time, but rather sitting in a corner, by herself. She looked so alone and tired, but it was her eyes that astounded me. We never made eye contact and never spoke, not in any of my dreams, but I saw her eyes clearly, and for the first time, she didn’t look confident, she looked resigned and defeated.

A few months later after lights out, as I lay awake on my bunk, I felt her. I felt the life and soul that was Buffy leave her body and I heard a faint sound in the quiet night. It was B’s voice, soft and muffled, but I would know her voice anywhere, all she said was “Death is my gift.” I slept little that night, and when I awoke in the morning, I felt such a calm and peace for her. I knew at that moment that B was no longer on this earth, that she was at peace, at rest, and she was no longer burdened with her destiny. That was why a few months later, I awoke with a start one night. Unsettled in the darkness I felt her once again. I felt her soul, her essence being forced back into her long dead body. In the morning, as sure as I had known of her death, I knew that she had been brought back. By what forces I could not fathom, but I knew it was not of her doing.

A few months later, she entered my dreams again. She was not sitting, but leaning against a wall, looking much older than her twenty-one years, and tired, so tired, and she looked so incredibly lost. My heart ached for her at that moment, but I was resolved that she would find her way. Through the next few years the dreams were like those in the beginning, only not as frequent. She would pass through once again, not with the same youthful confidence and invincibility as in the first few, but with a sense of acceptance of her life and what it held for her. I can’t really remember the last time that she visited my dreams, but I took that as a sign that she was doing ok, making her way through life as best she could, as was I.

But, yeah, I still think of B. At first, I was so angry. Why wasn’t I good enough to enter her circle? But now, with a little time and distance, and with the maturity that came with the passing years, I am finally able to see her side of things. We were both so young, so immature, but both given a destiny that required us to help others when we weren’t even old enough to know how to help ourselves. She had the advantage of a group of people that loved her and supported her, but we were still on the same road together. Given different circumstances, she could have been me and I could have been her, and I always felt on some level she understood that. I don’t spend too much time rehashing the past in my head anymore. I left Sunnydale, did my time, and now I am starting my life. I have no desire to look them up again, to know what is happening in their lives. For the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to tomorrow.

POV Buffy

Today was a long time in coming. There is a rehearsal dinner tonight for a wedding tomorrow. Dawn’s wedding. It is a day that I wasn’t sure that I would ever see. There is so much to do today and yet part of me just wants to continue to lay here in bed. I have time. It is still pretty early and I haven’t heard Dawn get up yet.

The past few years have gone by so quickly and there have been so many changes. Looking back, I guess I would point to Tara’s death and Willow’s subsequent breakdown as the catalysts for everything that followed. Willow and I accompanied Giles back to England. Giles wanted to help Willow and I had some business to take care of with the Watchers Council. Giles and I met with the Council shortly after I arrived. It was a simple business arrangement really. I was an employee of the Council as much as they were, as much as Giles was and I expected to be compensated as such. We were met with some resistance at first, but with a little persuasion, we came to an agreement. I would receive a monthly salary, as well as a one time lump sum for prior services rendered. With that, I kissed my fast food career goodbye. I stayed a week longer, looking after Willow. She was a mess and it would take some time before she would be well enough to return to Sunnydale. I had to get back to Dawn and to try and get my own life back in order.

When I got back, Dawn and I sat and talked about how we wanted to move forward. Together we decided to sell the house. It held too many memories. Memories that we no longer wanted to be confronted with on a daily basis, they no longer provided any comfort. We stayed in Sunnydale; we just moved a few streets over. Dawn started her sophomore year of high school in the fall at the newly rebuilt high school and I went back to college.

The Magic Box had been destroyed, and Xander and Anya relationship had been too. Anya decided that she no longer wanted to deal with the mortal life, it was too uncertain for her. She returned fully to her vengeance demon ways. Xander kept working construction and about a year later he started dating an architect on one of the projects he was working on. Laura and Xander make a great couple. She is brilliant with just the right amount of goofiness to be able to find Xander entertaining. They were married last year and they still live here in Sunnydale.

Willow returned from England about three months after I left. She looked better, but there was such sadness in her eyes. She started back to school with me in January. The following year she met Dani. With Dani, I finally saw Willow smile- a genuine smile, the first since Tara’s death. I don’t think Willow ever expected to fall in love again, and I am not sure that she even wanted to, but she did. She and Dani had moved to LA so that Willow could attend graduate school following our graduation. Two years ago Dani had their first child, a little girl named Tara Grace, Gracie. They still live in LA where Willow is an assistant professor at one of the colleges.

Giles is flying in this afternoon with his girlfriend Marie. Giles finally has a girlfriend. Dawn drove in earlier this week from Palo Alto where she is attending law school. She met her fiancé Jon there last year. They fell in love and got engaged within a few months of their meeting. Part of me thinks that it is a little rushed, but after living so many years on the Hellmouth I realized that if something right happens in your life you should go with it, life is too short not to. Spike came back shortly after Willow’s return. While he now had a soul, things between us were not the same. I could forgive him for trying to rape me, but I was not able to forget. He stayed around for a while, but ended up in LA with Angel.

After graduation I needed something to fill my days, something to offset the darkness that I faced every night, so with Giles assistance, I opened a small bookstore. I know right, me owning a bookstore. In high school I thought I had a book phobia, I couldn’t stand reading. It took too long to sit and read a book; I had too many other things that needed to be taken care off. But when I returned to college, I took a literature course and fell in love with it. I enjoyed the escape it gave me, leaving the world that I lived in and traveling into someone else’s, into their thoughts and their lives. Giles came back for a few months to help me get started, and then it was up to me. The bookstore isn’t highly profitable, but it does make a profit.

I don’t date much anymore. The last relationship that I had was with Riley. It is just too hard with my slayer lifestyle to invite someone into my world and hope that they understand. Because no matter what they say, they don’t, they can’t. I’ll see someone a few times, and then cut it off before it develops into anything. It’s the only way and I don’t mind so much being alone. You get used to it.

All the faces of the people I have know through the years I see before me. I know what has happened to almost all of the faces I see, but there is one that is lost to me- Faith. I still think of her. I wonder when she got out of prison, if she got out of prison, where she is now, and whether or not she is happy, or at least at peace. I know that she is still alive; something tells me that I would know if she wasn’t. The Council seems to have forgotten all about her. I guess they figure as long as I’m alive they don’t need to worry and that given Faith’s track record she doesn’t have a long life ahead of her anyway. A new slayer will be called soon enough.

During the first couple of years that Faith was in prison, I would see her in my dreams. I am not sure if I brought her into my dreams or if she brought herself. I guess it doesn’t make much difference. We didn’t talk in these dreams; we didn’t even make eye contact. The first few dreams she would just run through. She was always running. Once she turned around and I all saw was anger in her eyes. I could see it boiling over contorting her face into a mask of rage. After that brief moment, she was off again, running. I didn’t see her again for a while, but the next time I did, the last time I did, she wasn’t running. She was standing off in a corner and she looked so small, her eyes so full of pain and sadness, and it broke my heart. I called Angel shortly after that dream. I knew that he had been going to visit her every week and I just needed to know that she was ok. I was somewhat shocked when he told me that Faith had asked him not to come back. She had told him that it was time for her to move on and that he was her last tie to the past. Reluctantly, he did what she asked. I knew at that point that any plans that I had to visit her would not be welcomed.

I called Giles and asked him for a favor. I asked him to send me copies of the Council’s files on Faith. I guess I just wanted to know her. I wanted answers to all of the questions that I had never bothered to ask when I had the chance. I received the files a couple of weeks later with a simple note from Giles telling me that he hoped that I found whatever it was that I was looking for. The files contained every piece of information on Faith from her birth to her incarceration. I saw IQ tests; she was a lot smarter than she ever admitted to. I found out about her family. Her father had left her and her mother when she was only five. Her mother was a raging alcoholic who died when Faith was ten years old. She spent the next few years shuffling between foster homes. At fourteen she ran away and the system let her. She dropped out of high school and seemed to disappear. The Council sent her watcher after her and when she was found at fifteen she was called into training. For the first time she seemed to lead a rather stable life. In addition to her training, it appeared that her watcher was also acting as her teacher, home schooling her. According to the notes, she was thriving, although they made more than a few references about her wild tendencies. She would disappear for days at a time and return as if nothing had happened and never speak a word about where she had been or what she had done. I knew that Faith. When her watcher was killed it seemed to end any normalcy that Faith had come to rely on.

Then she came to Sunnydale and I knew the history from that point on. When I had finished going through her files, I cried. It was a selfish cry. I didn’t cry so much for her and the life that she survived, but for how much I had let her down during her time here. About how differently things could have turned out if I had taken a few moments to open to her and allow her to open up to me. At that time I was so wrapped up in my own life, and in Angel. I loved Angel; he was my first love and he will always hold that place in my heart. At the same time I was so young and our love was not set anywhere near reality. I know that now, but then, I thought that my life revolved around him. I can laugh now at the ridiculousness of it all. I would be spending the rest of my life with someone who was immortal, who would stay forever young, as I continued to grow older. Someone who I would never be able to be intimate with, let alone have children with. I knew my destiny gave me an expiration date of twenty-five and maybe that was all I was thinking about then- that the future didn’t matter because I didn’t have a future to look forward to. It was all very romantic then, but it resembles more of a Shakespearean tragedy to me now. I rarely talk to Angel anymore, unless it is business related. He has a child and he and Cordelia are together now. And I’m genuinely happy for them.

But yeah, I still think of Faith, probably more than I’m even consciously aware of. There are so many things that I would like to have done differently, but we were both so young and immature and had the weight of our destinies with us, I’m not sure that I even could have done anything differently. I always knew, though, that with a simple change in either of our circumstances we could have been the other person. I am still hopeful that our paths will one day cross again. I feel drawn to Faith in a way that I cannot explain to others, in a way that I cannot explain to myself. I think I hear Dawn, and I am reminded that I need to pick up Giles and Marie at the airport, and that Willow and her family should be arriving shortly. I am looking forward to tonight, to having our family together again, if only for a short time. And I am looking forward to tomorrow.

Six Months Later

POV Buffy

Damn, the answering machine. I must have just missed them.

“Hi guys, it’s Buffy. I just wanted to let you know that I am walking out the door now. I will see you guys in just a couple of hours. Ok then, bye.”

I am leaving for my monthly drive to LA. I go down for a weekend mainly to see Gracie, but we take care of business too. Even though Willow doesn’t help me directly anymore with the slaying, she still keeps a running database of all of the vampires, demons, monsters and such that I take out each month. She also keeps me up on upcoming rituals that I need to be on the lookout for. She has converted most of Giles’ library onto this database. Willow is still an integral part of my team and one of the main reasons that I am still alive. I know that the only reason that I have managed to become the oldest living slayer is because of the support system that I have. I wish the council would recognize this and use this practice for future slayers, but knowing how steeped they are in tradition; I doubt it will ever happen. Two CD’s later and here I am. I park, grab my bag, and head for the door. I try the doorknob and it is unlocked so I just head in.

B: “Willow, Dani, Gracie? Hi guys, I’m here.”

I glance around the house and smile. This beautiful house now looks like the inside of a toy store. Between Xander and Laura, Dawn and Jon, Giles and myself, we must have supplied Gracie with every toy imaginable. What can I say? Gracie is our first little niece. I hear the little patter of feet against the hard wood floors.

G: “Buffy, Buffy.”

That is my Gracie.

B: “Hi Gracie. How is my favorite niece?”

I pick up the smiling little girl. She is so beautiful; she looks just like Dani. She is all dark brown hair and big brown eyes. Dani comes closely behind Gracie from the kitchen wiping her hands on a towel.

Dani: “Hi Buffy. You made great time.”

Still holding Garcie, I walk over and hug Dani hello.

B: “I know, no traffic. How are you?”

Dani: “I’m great. Willow, Buffy’s here.”

Willow comes racing down the stairs and gives both Gracie and me a hug.

W: “Buffy, it’s so good to see you.”

B: “You too Will. And look at this beautiful girl. I can’t believe how big she. I keep expecting her to stay a baby.”

W: “I know. Dani and I spend our days just trying to keep up with her.”

Dani: “Dinner is almost ready, can I get you something to drink?”

We head to the kitchen and have an amazing dinner. We sit around for a while and play with Gracie. I love coming here and listening to Gracie’s laugh. There is something so innocent about it that it just warms my heart. As Gracie starts to wind down, Dani scoops her up for a bath, stories and bed. She brings Gracie over to me and I give her a big hug and a kiss. Then they head over to Willow and little Gracie wraps her little arms tightly around Willow’s neck to kiss her. Dani leans in for her own kiss and tells us both good night. I ask her if she is coming back down to talk, but she says with a smile that Willow and I need time alone, to catch up. As they head upstairs, I pick myself off the floor and join Willow on the couch.

B: “You look so good Willow, so happy.”

W: “Thank you Buffy. I am happy. Having Dani and Gracie has just been the most amazing experience.”

B: “It shows.”

W: “How are things going with you and Josh?”

B: “They were great. I ended it a couple of weeks ago.”

W: “Why Buffy? I thought you guys were getting along so well.”

B: “We were. We got along great. We had a lot of fun. But come on Will, how many times have we talked about this? I just can’t have anything permanent. It is just too hard.”

W: “Buffy, you deserve to be happy.”

B: “I am happy Will. I am happy. Having to worry about someone in my life would make me unhappy. I like my freedom and I like just having the few first weeks of infatuation with a person. Those are the fun times.”

Willow sits up and takes my hands in her.

W: “I just worry about you.”

B: “Please stop. I love you Willow. I love that you care about my happiness, but let’s just agree to disagree on this point, ok?”

W: “Because I love you too, I will agree to your truce.”

B: “Good, thank you.”

We hug and then both sit back on the couch reclining. It’s been a long day.

W: “So what else is going on with you?”

B: “Nothing much. Work, slaying, the usual. What about you?”

W: “Work, Gracie, Dani. The usual suspects.”

B: “That’s good though, right?”

W: “To be perfectly honest, it’s the best. I couldn’t ask for anything more.”

B: “Will?”

W: “Yes?”

B: “How are your computer hacking skills these days?”

W: “Well, I don’t like to brag, but I think that they have only improved with age. Age and technology. Why?”

B: “I have a favor to ask.”

W: “Ask away.”

B: “Ok, but just hear me our first.”

W: “Ok.”

B: “Lately I have been thinking a lot about Faith.”

W: “Faith?”

B: “Not finished, yet.”

W: “Sorry, I just haven’t heard that name in a long, long time.”

B: “I know. I just have been thinking a lot about her. I am hoping that you can get into the police files and just see what is going on with her. I mean, I don’t even know if she is still in prison or not. I still feel that she is alive somewhere. I guess I just want to know what has happened to her.”

W: “Not to be judgmental woman here, but I thought that you said that you were happy. Do you really want to go digging up the past?”

B: “I am happy Will, but this is just something that I have never stopped thinking about. I have never even been to visit her in prison.”

W: “But I thought Angel told you that she didn’t want to see any of us again.”

B: “He did. Look Willow, I am not sure why I want to open this up again. I guess maybe I just need some closure. I don’t know. I just know what I am feeling.”

W: “Ok Buffy. I don’t quite understand, but in a way I kind of do, but not really, but on the one hand I can see what you are trying to do, but on the other hand…”

B: “Willow- stop. You don’t have to understand. I don’t even understand. Do you think you can help me?”

W: “I can. It might take me a little while, but I should be able to find something out for you.”

B: “Thank you Willow.”

W: “You can thank me when I find something, So, do you want to start working on the database tonight?”

B: “Not really. I’m kind beat. Unless you do, do you?”

W: “No, we can work on it tomorrow. Do you want to watch a movie or anything?”

B: “I think I am just going to turn in.”

W: “That is a good idea. Gracie is going to be at your door at dawn, you know.”

B: “That is one of the things I look forward to the most.”

W: “You are so in love with that little girl, Buffy.”

B: “I know. It kind of took me by surprise, but she is just amazing.”

W: “She is, isn’t she?”

B: “Hey Willow?”

W: “Yes, Buffy?”

B: “Can you just keep this thing with Faith between you and me?”

W: “Buffy, of course.”

B: “I just know that this is probably sending warning signals up, and you will probably want to talk to Xander and Giles about the current state of my mental well being and I just don’t want to worry them. Or you for that matter.”

W: “Don’t worry Buffy. This is between us. I promise.”

B: “Thank you Will. I promise when I understand what is going on with this, I will let you know.”

W: “I trust you Buffy, no worries. Well, I am going to head upstairs. Do you need anything?”

B: “No, thank you. I will head up with you I think.”

We go upstairs and say our goodnights. The rest of the weekend passed too quickly for me. We finished up the work on the database on Saturday and spent the rest of the weekend just hanging out and playing with Gracie. Willow and I didn’t speak again about my request, but as I was leaving Sunday afternoon she pulled me aside and handed me a folder. Willow told me that Faith had been released from prison about a year and half before, she then spent the following year in a half-way house, and then had been let out on parole about six months ago. She didn’t have a home address for her, but the file did contain a work address. I hugged her and thanked her for all of her help. She asked me what I was going to do now. I told her the truth; that I didn’t know. I kissed the three of them goodbye, got in my car, and headed back to Sunnydale. The drive back went by quickly, I didn’t play a single CD or listen to any of my books on tape. I was stuck on just one thought- Faith.

POV Faith

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Fucking alarm.

“Alright, alright. I’m up. Damn it.”

Man, it still so hard to get up in the morning. But, I have to smile because at least it isn’t a guard clanging on the bars to get my ass up. Ok, time to shower. I hit the coffee maker to on and head into the bathroom. The past six months have been the best of my life- quiet and uneventful. I work a lot. I don’t have much else to do and I like to keep myself busy.

My house finally feels like a home. I bought some great second hand furniture and a plant. So far, so good with the plant. I guess working at the flower shop has given me a bit of a green thumb. Ten minutes in the shower, five minutes drying off, fussing with my hair, getting dressed and I am good to go. I pour myself a cup of coffee, turn on the TV to catch a few cartoons and fix a couple of pieces of toast.

I like this little town. People tend to keep to themselves, but everyone is still friendly. The flower shop stays busy and I like that. Susannah has been so great to me. She has increased my responsibilities and there are days when she is off that she leaves me to run the shop on my own. It is a good feeling to be needed and trusted. She gives me the weekends off, which is cool. A few months ago I started using my weekends to head down to LA. I needed to get out and meet people and this town isn’t really equipped with any clubs. I’ll go down on Saturday night, hit a club and mingle. Most nights I meet a good-looking guy, someone who sparks a little something in me without asking too many questions. We have fun and maybe go back to his place or to the motel room that I rent. Hopefully he lives up to his looks and I get a good lay. And if I have picked him right, then either I can get gone immediately after or he will make himself scarce if we’re at the motel. I know right, I’m supposed to be the reformed Faith, but I am still a woman. A woman who spent many years in jail and I have a lot of pent up sexual energy that I need released. I don’t think that is such a crime.

I finish the toast and the coffee, shut off the coffee maker. It’s time to head in to the shop. I hop into my new, very, very used jeep and take off. I love the jeep, the open air reminds me of the freedom I now have and that I have no intention of letting slip away. There are still constant reminders of my past though, most notably every Monday morning when I have to call and check in with my parole officer. Henry is a cool guy and he is impressed with the life that I have made. In eighteen months I will be free of him too.

The nights are hard. Some nights I wake up in a cold sweat reliving my days in jail, especially those first couple of years. My dreams are so vivid, I am back in jail, fighting with the other inmates, getting beat down by the guards and waking up in solitary, seeing the people that I had hurt and killed with my unflinching hands. When I wake up from these dreams, it is hard to get back to sleep, most nights I just get up and sit on the porch with a stiff drink and smoke. I have pretty much given up smoking, it kills you know, but on these nights I revert back to the things that bring me comfort. I pull into the shop parking lot and see Susannah’s car and that brings me comfort, too. It is good to be employed, to have a place to rest my head, and to be free.

One Month Later

POV Buffy

This past month I haven’t been myself. Since Willow gave me Faith’s police file, my every thought has revolved around Faith. Each night when I returned home from slaying I would pour over her files reading and re-reading every word. Before falling asleep I would make a decision on how I was going to proceed and every morning when I awoke I would change my mind.

I went down last weekend to see Willow and her family and she asked me what I was going to do. All I could answer was that I didn’t know. And I don’t know. Everything in her files tells me that I should leave her be. I read about how it was during her first two years, the years of Angel’s weekly visits that her sentence had ballooned from three years to twelve years. My dreams during this time reflected this too. I saw the rage, the hurt, and the never ending running. I read how after Angel’s visits ceased she became somewhat close to a model inmate. And in my dreams then, I saw this Faith too, the Faith that was no longer running, just pained. The printed black and white words told me that her past, which I was a part of, only brought her pain and anger. They told me that without the past, without us, without me, Faith was able to function, able to build a life.

So the decision was an easy one, right? Faith was good, that was all I had wanted to know, all that I needed to know. There was no reason to disrupt her life, to bring up a past that she had been able to deal with and lay to rest. It was all there in black and white. And yet, nothing between Faith and I had been black and white. Other people had painted that picture- the supposed good slayer versus the supposed rouge slayer. Faith and I, however, had lived in a decidedly gray area. A gray area where we were forced to make split second decisions everyday and where we had to live with the decisions that we had made. I am not dismissing Faith’s actions. She betrayed me, us, and was willing to sacrifice our lives for the betterment of her own. But I also had to own up to my own actions. Decisions that I had made that also betrayed the gang and put their lives in danger, put Faith’s life in danger. I could not dismiss my own faults, even if the others were able to. It was with this knowledge that I had composed dozens of letters to Faith, each letter ending up in a stack of letters never to be sent. The words on paper rang hollow, they were unable to convey my intentions or thoughts coherently.

I left the bookstore early today and just started driving, with no destination in mind. And I now find myself sitting in the parking lot of a flower shop in a small town not too far from Sunnydale. I know the face that I am looking for, but I do not know what I am going to say, if anything. Maybe if I just see her, see that she is all right, it will bring me the peace that I am searching for.

I am parked in the back of the lot next to a jeep, trying not to be noticed. Most of the cars pull into the spaces near the entrance and I go undiscovered. I have been here about an hour and it is now close to six in the afternoon. I expect the shop will be closing soon and I still have no idea what I am going to do. My heart is racing, my hands a bit sweaty. Every few minutes a wave of panic travels over me and I reach to turn the keys in the ignition. I am just going to leave. I don’t have to be here. There is no reason to be here. I don’t want to hurt Faith, to cause her anymore distress. I don’t want to invade her space, her town, and her life. And yet my hands do not turn over the keys and the ignition never starts. Instead I sit, and the panic rolls through me.

At about half past six, I see the back door of the shop open. It opens towards to me so I cannot see who is coming out. I still have a few seconds to make an exit; instead I sit paralyzed. I want to know, I want to see her. My eyes sit transfixed, each second lasting an hour. I see the arm of one person. It looks like they are holding the door open for someone. An older woman then exits followed by a couple of other people. The other two people, both men, walk away towards cars parked behind the door in the lot. The door is being closed, but the older woman is blocking my view from whoever is doing the closing. They both turn around and I feel my breath catch. They hug and the older woman walks away towards her car and I can now see her clearly, Faith. She is walking towards my car, but she hasn’t lifted her head up yet to eye level. The jeep next to me must be hers, but my eyes don’t leave her face. Her hair is longer than I have ever seen it, still wavy, and as the sun hits it, it still has those reddish highlights. She looks older, more mature, her face has thinned with the passing years. I just keep staring at her face and then she looks up. Our eyes meet. I see a wave of disbelief wash over her and she hesitates slightly with her next step. I decide now would be a good time to get out of my car since I am starting to feel a bit like a stalker. I step out and see that she has stopped walking, since I am invading her territory I finish the long walk over to her, noticing her eyeing me a bit suspect. I walk up to her, but leave a couple of feet up space between us.

B: “Faith.”

F: “Buffy.”

B: “Hi.”

F: “Hello. Long time.”

B: “I know. How are you?”

F: “I’m good. How are you?”

B: “Good, thanks.”

F: “Glad to hear it.”

B: “Yeah.”

F: “So.”

B: “So.”

F: “So.”

Think Buffy, think. Words, form them, use them, now.

B: “Do you want to get a cup of coffee or dinner or something? With me, now. Unless you have plans, which I would completely understand, seeing as how I am here unannounced and all.”

That was smooth Buffy.

F: “I don’t know Buffy.”

Damn.

B: “Well yeah, you know, ok, so ok. Maybe some other time then.”

F: “No, you know what, it’s ok, let’s go. There is a coffee shop up the street a bit. We can walk from here.”

B: “That would be great. Thank you.”

The walk to the coffee shop is a silent one. She doesn’t know what I’m doing here, and is probably still in shock from my unexpected arrival. I just don’t know what to say. She holds the door open for me and we walk up to the counter. She orders a regular coffee black and I order a double latte thinking of the drive home I still have ahead of me. As she reaches for her wallet, I put my hand on her arm, I feel her flinch slightly, and I tell her that it is my treat. We wait for our orders and when they come we take them to a small table next to the front window.

I have so much that I want to say. Or at least I thought that I had a lot that I wanted to say. Unfortunately at this exact moment my brain has decided to take a break and not one of the many things that I had wanted to say comes to mind. So I say the first thing that I think of.

B: “You look good.”

She does look good.

F: “Uh, thanks, You too. You look good too.”

B: “Thanks.”

Awkward silence. We seem to be looking everywhere but at each other.

B: “I bet you weren’t expecting to see me today.”

F: “You got me there. I really wasn’t expecting to see you ever again.”

And with that, my ego takes a dive. I guess a part of me was holding out hope that she had been thinking about me like I had been thinking about her. That she, too, was going to one-day look me up to see how I was doing. It should have occurred to me that she has been on parole for over seven months and she hadn’t looked me up in Sunnydale. That should have been the only clue that I needed that she had no plans to see me again.

B: “Yeah, I’m sorry about that.”

F: “So, how did you find me anyway?”

B: “I had a little help from a hacker friend.”

F: “Willow?”

B: “Yeah. But she only did it because I asked.”

F: “I don’t mind. Really.”

Ok this conversation is not going anywhere good.

B: “I’m sorry.”

F: “It’s ok, really. I’m not upset. I guess I should have known that at some point I would run into someone from my past.”

So that is what I am to her, someone from her past. I guess I should have seen that coming. At this point, I am guessing that this conversation is about over. I don’t feel like reliving the past with her at this point. I can tell she doesn’t want to and I feel bad enough for invading her life as much as I have already. And then Faith does something unexpected, she steers the conversation away from the past and lets it just be.

F: “So what do you think of this little town?”

B: “I like it, well what I have seen of it so far.”

F: “Yeah, it’s not bad. It is kind of a small town feel, the people are nice, but they are not intrusive, you know?”

The conversation carries on in this manner for the next half hour or so. We basically just make small talk, but it’s nice. We talk about movies, they don’t get too many here, but she has still managed to see more than I have. We talk a bit about books. She reads a lot and I wouldn’t have guessed that. She reads mostly biographies and about history. It’s nice. We don’t talk about slaying or what we are doing in our lives really or even the gang or my family. It is rather impersonal, but it is easy. We talk freely and the conversation flows well. When we both finish our drinks, it is obvious to the both of us that this meeting has come to a close. We stand up and start walking back to the flower shop. We continue the small talk to the cars.

B: “So this is your jeep?”

F: “Yeah, I got it a month or so ago.”

B: “I like it. It looks, what’s the word?”

F: “Old?”

B: “No, I was thinking more a long the lines of freeing.”

F: “That’s funny. That is exactly what I thought when I got it- that it looked like freedom.”

B: “It does.”

F: “You have a bit of a drive ahead of you, are you going to be ok?”

B: “Yeah, I had that double latte caffeine injection, so I am actually wide awake. Thanks for asking though.”

F: “Well ok then. I guess this is goodbye.”

B: “I guess so. Well take care.”

F: “You too.”

B: “Bye Faith.”

F: “Bye Buffy.”

And with that we each get in our cars. She watches me as I pull out of the parking lot and head back to Sunnydale. I watch in my rear view mirror as she pulls out, turns, and heads in the opposite direction. Alone in my car, I replay the last hour over again. It was good to see Faith. She looks great and like she is doing well. Of course, I did not say one thing that I had wanted to say, but maybe that was ok. I got everything that I wanted, which was just to see her, to see that she was ok. Her eyes still looked pained, we all carry around our share of pain, but overall she looked happy, if not completely happy, then at least somewhat at peace. Our meeting went well and now maybe I would be able to rest easier. It was selfish really, using Faith to try and clear some of my guilty conscience with regards to our past. We were the chosen two, and we had failed each other, but we were both getting on with our lives and living them as best we could. Faith was going to be all right and so was I.

POV Faith

Buffy Summers. Buffy Summers. Buffy, that was one person that I never expected to see again. Sure there was the off chance that we might run into each other one day, but it was a slim chance. I certainly was never going to seek her out, but I never thought that she would be the one doing the seeking. I pour myself a nice stiff drink, to offset the caffeine from the coffee earlier and to calm my nerves a bit, grab my smokes and head out to the back porch.

Thank God it’s Friday. I have the whole weekend to reflect and then put this meeting in the past along with everything else. Tomorrow I am planning on heading down to LA. That should put some distance between us. She looked good, her hair still long and blonde and her eyes still a sparkling green. When I stepped out from the flower shop I didn’t even notice her car. I just hugged Susannah goodbye for the weekend and headed to my jeep. When I looked up, I looked directly into her eyes. At first I thought that I was seeing things. Buffy? Why would Buffy be here, how would she know where to find me? Maybe she was lost and just happened to be sitting here in this parking lot. Then she got out of her car and came over to me. No, this was not an accident.

When she asked if I wanted to grab a coffee or dinner my first thought was to decline and run. The last thing I need in my life right now is someone walking in and rehashing the past. The past is buried so just let it lie. But when I wavered and she started stammering, I realized that she had no clue as to how she ended up here either. So I agreed to coffee and her face seemed to fill with relief. One coffee, I could handle that. When I reached for my wallet at the coffee shop and she touched my arm, I flinched out of habit, I am still not used to people touching me when I am not in control of the situation. After another awkward attempt at conversation and the mention of Willow, I should have known it was Willow, I decided to take to the conversation to less combative territory. She seemed relieved at this as well. I don’t think either of us wanted to relive the past, even it was with the best of intentions. After that the conversation seemed to flow easily. It was like we were old acquaintances, just meeting for a quick hello.

I know that sleep is probably not in the forecast for this evening, so I go inside grab a blanket and make myself comfortable on the porch. I had survived seeing Buffy again. She looked good, she looked happy and it was nice to know that. It was good to get this meeting over with, now we can both get on with living our lives secure in the knowledge that the chosen two had survived and we were both doing ok.

One Month Later

POV Buffy

Ok, so it has been a month. One long month since I met with Faith. At this point I shouldn’t still be thinking about her, right? My thoughts shouldn’t be consumed with everything that I had wanted to say, everything that I should have said. Yet, they were. The first few days maybe, but now, a month later, I should be over this by now. But I wasn’t. I want to see her again. Then I think about how well our meeting went and how I should be happy with that. End it on a good note, right? What right did I have to disrupt her life again? It would be for purely selfish reasons. How selfish am I? Very. Maybe I should just send her a letter. I won’t though. What I want to say I want to say in person. I want to tell her that I have read her files. I want to tell her that I understand. I know that the likelihood that she will want to see me again is slim to none. I know even stronger that she will not want to hear that I know about her past. That I know things that she never wanted to tell me. But outweighing all of this is the fact that I want to tell her that I am sorry. Maybe she will allow me that opportunity and maybe she won’t, but it a risk that I am willing to take.

POV Faith

Another day like all of the others, and I will never get tired of this. It’s Friday and I am looking forward to the weekend. I have another trip to LA planned and that is always a good thing. I’m also looking forward to working in my garden this weekend. I think the flower shop is taking over my life. I like gardening though. I like working with my hands in the earth and watching beautiful flowers grow knowing that I had a hand in making that happen. I have to laugh out loud at the realization that I am getting soft. Oh well. Leaving the shop I’m caught off guard again at the sight of Buffy. Man, does this girl have an aversion to phones or what. Of course if she had called ahead I probably would have feigned an illness. I might as well face this one head on.

F: “Hey Buffy.”

B: “Hi Faith.”

F: “I didn’t expect to see you.”

B: “I know. I’m sorry to drop by unannounced, again.”

F: “It’s ok. I really should start scanning the parking lot though.”

I laugh so she knows that I am kidding. She laughs too, so that is a good sign.

B: “Yeah, that would probably be a good idea.”

F: “So is this a coffee length visit or would you like to get some dinner?”

B: “Dinner would be good I think.”

F: “Good. Let’s grab some takeout and we can head back to my place.”

B: “Your place?”

F: “I think it might be better to have whatever discussion you have planned in a place a little more private than 1 diner in a small town, don’t you?”

Plus, it will be on my home ground.

B: “You’re right. What should I do with my car?”

F: “Bring it. You can follow me. How about cheeseburgers for dinner?”

B: “With fries?”

F: “Of course.”

B: “Sounds perfect.”

F: “Good. You can follow me down to the diner, it is just a few blocks from here and then we will head off to my house.”

B: “Ok.”

At this point I get in my car and she gets into her car and we take off. We are at my house thirty minutes later. When we get in I give her the grand tour, which basically consists of the living room, the two bedrooms and bathrooms, and the kitchen. About three minutes later we are unloading our food on the kitchen table.

B: “Your house is great.”

F: “Thanks I like it.”

B: “That plant in the living room is amazing too.”

She noticed the plant.

F: “Thanks. I wanted to get a dog, but I thought is was best to try my luck with a plant first.”

B: “That’s a good idea.”

F: “I read it in a magazine, I think, a long time ago. You know before taking on the responsibility of a pet you should first try to keep a plant alive for a year, if you can do that then you might be ready for the responsibility of a pet.”

B: “How long have you had it?”

F: “About eight months.”

B: “Are you still wanting to get a dog?”

F: “Maybe, I still have another four months before I can give it any serious thought. I figure we can just eat here at the table, does that work for you?”

B: “That’s perfect.”

So we sit down and eat. The conversation goes much as it did during our previous meeting. We talk books and movies and nothing really personal. After we finish I ask if she wants to go sit out on the porch. I have an idea that this discussion is about to turn more serious and I would rather be outside for this. She agrees and we take our drinks out onto the porch. I bought a couple of those plastic patio chairs a few days ago for when Susannah comes over. Susannah likes to be outside as much as I do. So we sit down and I instinctively take a deep breathe in preparation.

F: “So Buffy, what brings you to my part of town?”

B: “Honestly, I just felt like I had a lot of things that I still wanted to say.”

At this point I don’t say anything. I have the distinct impression that she is working up the courage to say whatever it is that she wants to say and I don’t want to do anything that will hinder her.

B: “First, I have a confession to make. You might not take this well, so please feel free to tell me to leave. I won’t be offended.”

I don’t say anything. My mind races for a second, but then I just look at her and nod and she takes the cue to continue.

B: “I have read your files. Your Council files and your police files.”

F: “Ok.”

B: “I have read about your life. All of it, from the time you were born until the time you were released from prison.”

I wasn’t expecting that. The wind has been knocked out of me. She knows everything about me that I never wanted anyone to know. How did the Council have all of this information on me? Who gave this information to her? Then I think, of course the Council knows about me, they knew about me and about my destiny from the time I was conceived. And the answer to the other question was simple- Giles. I don’t say anything.

B: “Would you like me to leave?”

I think about this for a second, but my head is still spinning a bit.

F: “No.”

B: “I just wanted to say that I understand.”

Ok, that kind of pissed me off. I can feel the spinning slowing down.

F: “You understand?”

B: “Well, yeah. I mean about your family and stuff.”

F: “Look if you drove all the way over to give me some pity speech, then you should just get up and go now. I don’t need your pity.”

B: “I don’t pity you. I just understand.”

F: “You understand? You understand what? Why little Faith was so fucked up in the head because she came from two crap ass parents. I don’t need your understanding Buffy.”

B: “No, I understand why I let you down. Why you were so hurt by me, by all of us. You needed more from us, from me and I never paid attention. I let you disappear for weeks at a time.”

F: “I didn’t need a fucking babysitter Buffy.”

B: “No, but you needed a friend. You had no one to trust and I did nothing to show you that you could trust me when I had the chance. I never opened up to you and let you in. And when I finally tried to, after Mrs. Post, after Angel, it was too late.”

I could feel myself calming down a bit. I needed a smoke and a stiff drink, but I would save that for later, when I was alone.

F: “Well, you know, you had no idea. You kind of had a lot going on in your own life.”

B: “I don’t think that is a good enough excuse. I appreciate you wanting to let me off, but I don’t want to be. All I want to say is that I’m sorry.”

F: “You don’t owe me an apology. I wreaked havoc on your life for no good reason.”

B: “Faith I am sorry.”

F: “I’m telling you Buffy you have nothing to be sorry for.”

B: “Faith I am sorry.”

Man, she is not going to let this go. Why won’t she let this go? I think that in the scale of life I have done a lot more damage to her, her family, and her friends than she ever did to me and she won’t stop saying that she is sorry. Why?

B: “Faith, I am sorry.”

F: “I get it Buffy, what do you want me to say?”

B: “Just forgive me. Accept my apology.”

F: “And how do I go about apologizing to you, huh? How do I apologize for all of the damage and hurt that I inflicted on you, on your friends, and on your family? How do I do that? All you did was ignore me, I don’t think I am owed an apology for that.”

B: “I need you to accept my apology. I don’t expect an apology in return, that is not why I am here.”

F: “Fine, Buffy, I accept your apology. You are forgiven.”

B: “Do you really mean that?”

I think about that for a second and I do mean that. I think about how hurt I was then and how alone and isolated I felt. I do forgive her. We were different people then.

F: “Yes, I do.”

I hadn’t realized how important it was for me to have her recognize that she did leave me out, that I was isolated from all of them. At this, I feel a weight that I didn’t even know that I had been carrying around on my shoulders lift.

B: “Thank you.”

We sit in silence for a bit. I just think. I want to say something, but I don’t know quite what to say. After thinking for a few minutes without any luck on how I could word it any better, I decide to just say it.

F: “Buffy?”

B: “Yes Faith?”

I look her directly in the eyes for the first time since this conversation started.

F: “I am so sorry. There have been so many times throughout the years that I have wanted to go back in time so I could talk to that little girl, tell her all the things that she should have known then. I was so busy then focusing on the bad hand that I felt that I was wrongly given, that I never realized that I had been dealt a new hand. I had been given a chance to really do something positive in this world, to make a difference, no matter how small. Knowing how I was then - so full of bravado, I’m sure that even if I could go back, I wouldn’t listen to myself. I wish I had all of these elegant words to say, or great excuses to give for why I did the things that I did. I wish I could take them all back now. The reality is that I can’t. I cannot change the past, I cannot make any of it better or any of it hurt less. But, I am sorry.”

B: “You just made things better Faith. Apology accepted.”

F: “Thank you.”

Once again, a feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders, even though a part of me feels that I don’t deserve it to be.

B: “I don’t want to rehash any of this again Faith. Time has passed we have both grown and changed so much. I just want us to start from this point forward. I want us to accept the fact that we both did unbelievably hurtful things to each other, but that we are fallible. We make mistakes and we forgive and we move on. Can you do that with me?”

F: “Yeah, I think I can.”

B: “Good.”

And with that she gets up out of her chair, put her arms out and leans towards me. I return the gesture, the embrace. Then she sits back down. We sit in silence for a while enjoying the quiet and the night air. What I say next takes me by surprise because I don’t even know that I am about to say it.

F: “You know I still think about them.”

B: “Who?”

F: “The people that I murdered- Finch, Professor Worth.”

B: “Oh.”

F: “I do care Buffy. I did care then. I just didn’t know how to handle it. When I killed Finch, in that one moment I became everything that I never wanted to be. With Professor Worth, I just thought it was my job- part of the new me.”

B: “I know. I knew it then, too. I’m sorry I didn’t do more to help.”

F: “There was nothing that you could have done. I am just so sorry.”

B: “I know, me too.”

We fall silent again. I don’t know what compelled me to say that. I had made peace with myself for what I had done years before. I guess I just needed to tell the only other person that was there with me that I knew what I had done. I had taken an innocent lives. No matter how many lives I had saved before then they couldn’t outweigh what I had done. I needed to tell the only other person that could understand.

B: “My mom died.”

She said that so quietly, I nearly missed it.

F: “I had no idea.”

I pause for a second and she doesn’t say anything.

F: “I am sorry.”

And I am. Joyce was a nice woman. I think back to the Christmas at Buffy’s house and the snow.

B: “It happened years ago.”

She falls silent.

B: “How did you get past your mom’s death?”

F: “I don’t think I ever have. I don’t know that you are supposed to, you know?”

She just looks at me and nods.

F: “It was so long ago for me. I always think that there was more that I should have done. I know that there is nothing that I could have done, but I still wish that I could have done something.”

B: “I think that too. She had surgery to remove a brain tumor. I thought that everything was going to be all right. She died just a few weeks later from an aneurysm.”

I don’t say anything. I don’t know what to say.

B: “I just feel like I should have been able to protect her. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I could protect her from vampires, monsters and mystical forces, but I couldn’t save her from her own body.”

I see the tears fall from her eyes, but she is not crying. I reach out and place my hand on her arm.

F: “I understand.”

She looks at me and nods.

We sit awhile longer. Then she looks over to me.

B: “I guess I should get going. Thank you for having me over.”

F: “It’s late Buffy are you sure you want to go?”

B: “Yeah, I need to go. I’ll be ok, don’t worry.”

F: “Ok.”

We carry our glasses into the kitchen.

B: “So, do you think that I could come back sometime, you know just to visit?”

F: “Anytime.”

I grab a little notebook next to the phone and write down my number.

F: “Here’s my number, you don’t have to surprise me anymore. I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

She laughs at that and I laugh with her. She jots down her number for me as well.

F: “Thanks.”

I follow her to the front door.

F: “Are you sure you’re ok to drive?”

B: “I’m good.”

F: “Ok, be careful.”

B: “Ok, Faith. When did you become such a worrier?”

F: “It’s the age, it’s catching up with me.”

She steps out on the front porch, turns around and hugs me and I hug her back.

B: “It was good to see you.”

F: “You too.”

B: “Ok, well, bye.”

I watch her get in her car, pull out of the driveway and drive off. I close the door and walk back into the kitchen. I grab a drink and my pack of smokes and go out on the porch. It was a good night, an unexpected night. I feel like Buffy and I are starting over.

One and a Half Years Later

POV Buffy

I am in my car driving again. It seems that I always do my most productive thinking while in my car. I guess it is because in the car I really have nothing else to do. And aside from the few hours that I spend sleeping, there is no other time that I am ever really alone. The past year and half has gone by so fast and left little time for reflection. The Hellmouth has been rather quiet recently, which has been nice. It has been years since an attempted apocalypse. I wish all of our personal lives had been as calm.

About a year ago Laura and Xander separated and the divorce was finalized last month. Xander did not take it well. It was hard to loose Laura. We had become so close, but she really didn’t want to be around much after their separation. She got a job with an architect firm up north. Xander is still trying to figure out what happened. They had been together for a few years before they got married and I think that we all thought that it was a good match, a lasting match. But, it just didn’t work out. Xander thought it might have begun with the discussion of kids, something that he wasn’t ready for and she wanted desperately. From that point on they just started to grow apart and pretty soon they were strangers to each other, each headed down a different path. It was difficult to see Xander hurting so much and to not be able to do anything constructive to help. But, he is doing better. He has started dating again, but you can see the fear in him now. The fear of sharing your life with someone so completely, and risking getting hurt more than you ever thought was possible. We spend a lot of time together. Sometimes he drops by the bookstore and we have lunch, or we get together after I patrol for drinks or dessert. I just try my best to be a good friend to him.

Willow, Dani and little Gracie are still doing great. Willow has been promoted to a full-fledged professor and now teaches her own classes. It means a lot more stress for her though. She has to write a lot of papers and spends a great deal of her time trying to get the papers she writes published in journals that I have never heard of. She assures me that it is just part of the job. At least she can do most of the research at home, so she still spends a lot of time with her family. They even have another little one on the way; Dani is due to give birth in about six months.

Giles is doing well. He has a new girlfriend now, Petra. It seems that Marie had a difficult time understanding what Giles does for a living, working for the council, battling demons and such. Giles and Petra have only been together a few months, so it is still left to be seen whether or not she will appreciate what Giles does, or if not appreciate it, then at least put up with it.

Even with the Hellmouth’s lack of activity I have stayed busy. Between slaying the ever-present vampires, running the bookstore, helping Xander, the trips to LA, and staying in touch with Faith, there has been little time for anything else. I have dated a few guys, but none with which I have been willing to break my policy of ending things before they got too serious. Willow assures me that the right person is out there, but honestly, with my schedule, it is going to take a lot for me to notice this person. I’m actually on my way to see Faith now. She had her last meeting with her parole officer on Monday and she signed her freedom papers. We are getting together for dinner to celebrate tonight, a little your finally really free dinner.

After that night on her porch, the night of a thousand apologies, we started to keep in touch. We didn’t become best friends or even fast friends right away, but that night we were given a second chance at something that we had almost completely destroyed in our youth. I was determined to take advantage of this opportunity, and her willingness to try told me that she felt the same way. At first we got together every month or so for dinner or a movie and we had the occasional phone call. We mostly just tried to keep up, just say hi and see how the other person was doing. As the months went on though, we started to open up more with each other and we found that, surprisingly, our personalities meshed well. We were no longer bound by the stereotypes that we were categorized by when we were younger. We were just two people now, just two friends. We started talking about our lives, I told her about the bookstore, which gave her quite a laugh, and she told me about the flower shop, which gave me a few laughs too. We talked about the Scooby gang and Dawn, something that I hadn’t mentioned, but that she had asked about. I guess we just started to take a real interest in each other’s lives. I have become friends with Susannah and we have had dinner together on some of my visits over.

Even my visits to see her have become almost a regular thing. We talk on the phone a few times a week now, and I come to see her almost every weekend. She has even made the trip to Sunnydale to see me. When I told her about Xander’s separation and divorce she was genuinely concerned. Faith went so far as to come to Sunnydale and have lunch with Xander. I didn’t go with them, at her request. We talked about it afterwards and she just said that a lot of burned bridges had been rebuilt. Seeing as they’re friends now, I didn’t press for details. I spoke with Willow about Faith and although there was trepidation at first, she trusted my decision. Willow invited Faith to accompany me on one of my monthly visits to see her in LA. After a little convincing on my part Faith agreed to go, she wanted to meet the little Gracie that I was always talking about. It was a good weekend and we had fun. Gracie surpassed all of Faith’s expectations and I could tell that she fell in love with the little girl like I had and Dani was her usual amazing self. During the weekend, Willow and Faith took a walk alone together, and although neither one of them shared with me the details of their conversation when they came in laughing together, it was obvious that an accord had been struck. Faith also came to Sunnydale when Dawn and her husband would come into town. They didn’t visit often, one of the drawbacks of law school and a fast paced career. But they were doing well, still honeymooning. Dawn had always liked Faith, the rebel Faith that she knew. Faith had always been the most honest with her. So she was ecstatic when she saw her again.

We have even talked about my dating policies and the guys that I would see and she told me about her weekend trips to LA. Our disastrous dating habits have brought us both many laughs. Aside from everything, I just liked being with Faith, we had fun, and we knew each other, really knew each other. Not to say we agreed on everything and that we didn’t have our share of disagreements about things, but we had forged a strong bond. We had developed a trust that we could be ourselves with each other, ugly parts and all, and know that neither one of was going to walk away from the other.

But, I think I enjoy the quiet days the best. The lazy Saturdays when I arrive in the mornings with breakfast in hand and we sit outside with just each other’s company. I’ll read and she’ll work on her garden and sometimes she’ll ask me to read to her from whatever book I’m reading. Some nights we even try to cook dinner ourselves. Ok, she actually can cook, and do it well. Some people just have a knack for being able to follow recipes, she is one of those people and I’m not. We found during my attempts that I just didn’t have the attention span needed to follow a recipe from beginning to end. I like to just combine several of the steps into one. For some reason that just never turns out well, so when we decide to stay in and cook, it’s her doing the cooking.

We’ve talked some about slaying, but not often, unless I needed her opinion on something incredibly nasty. She is out of the slaying business. She said it wouldn’t look good for a parolee to be roaming the cemeteries late at night with a wooden stake in her hand. It surprised me though, how she was able to let the slaying go when I remembered how at one point she defined her whole life by slaying. When I mentioned this, she really didn’t have an answer for me other than it was something that she no longer needed to feel worthwhile anymore. I respected that, and I respected her.

I pull up into her driveway, next to her jeep and it is such a calming feeling. I look forward to seeing her and spending time with her so much, that at times it surprises me. I pull out the gifts that I brought her from the back seat- they’re nothing big, a writing journal, she is always talking about starting one, and a copy of Dr. Seuss’s Oh, the Places You’ll Go, shut the door, and walk up the pathway to her house. She had left a key to her house under the mat a couple of months ago, so that I could let myself in one day when she was going to be working late. I had tried to return it, but she had told me to keep it just in case.

B: “Faith, it’s me.”

Something smells good.

F: “In the kitchen.”

I walk into the kitchen and give her a hug.

B: “Hi there, free woman. Are you cooking? I thought we were going out.”

F: “Hi to you. I just had the urge so I decided to go with it.”

B: “It smells amazing.”

F: “It’s chicken parmesan. It was easy, well it might be difficult for you, I think there were about four separate steps to the recipe.”

She laughs at my expense.

B: “Cheap shot, no points for that one.”

Faith pulls out two glasses, pours us each a glass of wine and hands me one.

B: “Thank you.”

F: “It should just be a few more minutes before dinner’s ready.”

B: “Good then there’s time for you to open your presents.”

F: “You brought me presents?”

B: “Well how many times does a girl finish her parole?”

F: “For this girl? Only once.”

B: “I’m glad to hear that.”

F: “You know you didn’t have to do this, but thank you B.”

She started calling me B again a while back. Unlike when we were younger though, she asked me if I minded when she called me that. I hated it so much when we were younger, but I like it now. To me it represents how close we have become; it is something that is just between us, something special.

B: “I wanted to, besides it nothing huge.”

I hand her the packages and she starts to unwrap them. She opens the journal first.

F: “A journal. This is so nice Buffy. Thank you. I guess I have no excuses now.”

B: “You only have to use it if you want to.”

F: “I do want to. Thank you.”

B: “You’re welcome, now open the other one.”

F: “Ok, ok, I’m moving as fast as I can.”

She opens up the book.

F: “You bought me a children’s book?”

B: “Look at the title.”

F: “Oh, the Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss.”

B: “I just thought that it was a good book for someone who was starting their life again, who was free. Besides you always talk about how much you wanted to travel once this day arrived.”

F: “It’s perfect. Thank you.”

She looks at the book a little longer and a look of realization comes over her. She is free now and she can go wherever she wants to. It’s a good look for her. She glances up at me and smiles.

F: “Thank you.”

B: “You’re welcome again. I am just so happy for you, so proud of you. Congratulations Faith.”

F: “Thanks. I think dinner is ready. Are you hungry?”

B: “Starving.”

F: “Good.”

We sit at the table where we eat and talk. Faith once again amazes me with her cooking. We talk about how fast the years the have gone by and how much has changed. After we finish cleaning up, I offer to do the dishes since she cooked, but we end up doing them together. We take our glasses and the bottle of wine into the living room. Faith then walks back into the kitchen where she gets the book I gave her and brings it to the couch where I am sitting.

F: “So Ms. Summers, do you think you’d mind reading to me?”

B: “Not at all.”

Faith sits next to me so that she can look at the pictures and listens while I read to her. I like these quiet moments with just the two of us. When I finish, she sits for a moment reflecting.

F: “Thank you B. I love it.”

B: “I’m glad you like it. I thought it fit the occasion.”

F: “So are you up for a movie.”

B: “Sure what did you have in mind?”

F: “How do you feel about Out of Sight?”

B: “George Clooney? You can’t go wrong there.”

F: “My thoughts exactly.”

Faith puts the movie on and we settle back onto the couch. At some point I fell asleep. I guess I was more tired then I thought. I wake up when I hear the television click off. I open my eyes and find that I have fallen asleep with my head in Faith’s lap facing the TV. I’m still a bit groggy and I just roll over so that I am now facing her. I just look up at her and we hold each other’s gaze for a few moments. She reaches down with her hand and runs her fingers through my hair in a comforting manner.

F: “Hey there.”

She speaks so softly to me.

B: “Hi. When did I fall asleep?”

F: “You made it about halfway through.”

B: “I’m sorry.”

F: “No problem.”

B: “What time is it?”

F: “It’s late.”

B: “I should get going.”

F: “You should just spend the night. I don’t want you falling asleep behind the wheel.”

B: “I have to work tomorrow.”

I finally decide that I should get up off of her lap. Reluctantly I sit up and face her.

F: “I have an alarm you know. You should just drive back in the morning. I would feel a lot better if you did that.”

B: “You win. Are you sure you don’t mind?”

F: “Not at all. Let me grab you some night clothes.”

Faith gets off of the couch and heads back towards her bedroom. I get up too and take the glasses and the empty bottle of wine into the kitchen. She comes in behind me.

F: “I put a pair of shorts and a tee in the spare bathroom for you, there are towels, a toothbrush and stuff in there for you too. Thanks for bringing in the glasses.”

B: “You’re welcome. Dinner was great. And thank you for the clothes and stuff.”

F: “No problem. So goodnight. Thank you again for the gifts and for the company.”

B: “You’re welcome and congratulations. Goodnight.”

We hug and she turns and walks out of the kitchen. She turns around again.

F: “I set the alarm for seven, is that enough time?”

B: “That’s perfect, thanks.”

F: “Goodnight.”

B: “Goodnight.”

I go to the bathroom and get ready for bed. I glance for a second at her closed bedroom door before I head into the guest room. I crawl into bed and just lay there. I keep thinking about that feeling of waking up in her lap. Of being that close to her, of the look that was in her eyes when I looked up and faced her and the feel of her hand running through my hair. I felt so safe there and everything just felt right. I liked being that close to her.

What did that mean though? I have no idea, but it just felt right. I lay here for about an hour and then I get up. I walk into the hallway and Faith’s door is still closed. When I get up close to it, I notice that it has not been pulled all the way closed. I quietly push it open and watch her for a few moments. The room is dark, but the moonlight is coming through the spaces in the blinds and it reflects upon her peaceful face. I watch her for a while and decide that I am invading her privacy in a huge way. I turn around to walk out, but at the last moment I make a rash decision. I walk over to her bed and slip under the sheets quietly, trying to not make too much movement. I just want to be close to her. I move over on the bed just far enough so that my leg is touching hers. She hasn’t moved, so I am hoping to go unnoticed. Just feeling her next to me calms me and I finally fall asleep.

POV Faith

After going into my room, I couldn’t fall asleep. Buffy had spent the night before, but tonight was different. She had been sitting on the couch next to me when she fell asleep. I didn’t want to wake her because I figured she needed the rest. After about twenty minutes she started moving and just kind of laid down. It just so happened that she ended up with her head in my lap. I thought that she would feel it, but she was sound asleep. I didn’t think anything of it. It was when she woke up after I turned off the television and turned her face towards me. It was that look that we shared. There was something there that I could not put into words. Without even thinking I just took my hand and ran it through her hair. So I was just lying in my bed when I heard the door being pushed open. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I didn’t know what she wanted. It seemed like she was just standing there for a while. I thought that she was going to leave, but then I heard her walking across the room towards the bed. I was facing away from the door towards the window. I felt her crawl into the bed and then slide over until her leg was touching mine. It felt good having her so close to me, her wanting to be so close to me. But what does it all mean? I don’t know.

I lay listening to her breathing until it becomes slow and deep and I know that she is asleep. I fight the urge to get up immediately and instead I fall into a restless sleep. The minute I close my eyes the dreams come, or rather the nightmares. My nightmares travel through different images never settling into one prolonged sequence. I am back in Sunnydale, Buffy and I are fighting, I am in prison getting beat down, waking up in solitary, watching helplessly as my watcher is killed, finding my mother dead. I tell myself that it is a nightmare, only a dream and that I need to wake up. I need to wake up. I need to wake up. And I do. I feel the sweat on my forehead, my hair is damp and Buffy is suddenly too close. She is still sleeping, but she has rolled over and is now facing me. In addition to her leg touching mine, her hand is holding onto my arm. It is too much and I know that I have to get some air.

I carefully pull myself free because I don’t want her to wake up. I walk quietly out the door and pull it closed. In the kitchen I grab my smokes, pour myself a drink and head out to the comfort of the porch. The night air chills my sweat-drenched head and I walk back in and get a blanket. I wrap myself up in the blanket, sit back down, light a cigarette and take a long drink. I think for a few moments about the nightmare, but it is nothing new. They are the same thoughts that have always haunted me and I expect that they always will.

I think about Buffy. I don’t know what to think about Buffy. Maybe I am making something out of nothing. She was just looking for comfort. It is no different than when I give her a hug. We have become good friends over the past year or so, best friends really, at least for me. I have never been as close to anyone as I am to Buffy. After some thought, and a few cigarettes I decide that I am overreacting. I stay out on the porch because I don’t want to go back into my bedroom and wake up B. I think that I will just go sleep on the couch. I light up one more smoke before heading in.

B: “Faith?”

F: “Hey Buffy.”

B: “Are you ok?”

F: “Yeah, I’m good.”

B: “Are you sure?”

F: “Yeah, all good.”

B: “I just… um, I guess I hope you aren’t out here because of me. I just you know…”

F: “Oh no B, no worries. I just had, you know, a bad dream.”

B: “Do you want to talk about it?”

F: “No, it was just a rehash of stuff, nothing specific. It’s been a busy week, you know.”

B: “So you’re ok?”

F: “Yeah, don’t worry so much.”

B: “I’m sorry for sneaking into your bed. I just wanted…”

F: “No worries Buffy, really I understand.”

I’m not ready to have this discussion now.

B: “No Faith, I just want to explain.”

F: “Buffy it’s ok.”

I am really not ready to talk about this.

B: “Ok, well, do you want to go back to bed?”

F: “Yeah, we should try and get some sleep. I’m sorry for waking you.”

B: “You didn’t, but we should get some sleep.”

Conversation successfully avoided. I get up and pick up my glass and pack of smokes.

B: “I didn’t realize that you still smoked.”

F: “I don’t much. It is more of a nervous habit, I guess I find it comforting at times. We should head in.”

I take the blanket, glass and smokes into the kitchen and set them down. When I walk back from the kitchen, Buffy is standing in the doorway to the guest room.

B: “I guess this is goodnight again.”

F: “Guess so. Well, try and get a few hours of sleep.”

B: “You too.”

I start walking to my bedroom and she turns around to her room. I stop walking and turn towards her room.

F: “Buffy?”

B: “Yeah?”

F: “If you want, you can sleep in my room. You know if you want to.”

What did I just say? I know that I did not mean to say that.

B: “Are you sure, I don’t want to keep you awake. I should just sleep in here.”

That was close. I shouldn’t look too relieved.

F: “Ok, well whatever you want. You weren’t keeping me awake though.”

B: “Well, if you are sure you don’t mind, maybe I will.”

Shit.

F: “No, I don’t mind at all.”

Buffy walks out of the guest room and follows me into mine. Now what. We walk to opposite sides of the bed and tentatively get under the covers. We both lay down on our backs with about a foot in between us.

B: “Your bed is really comfortable.”

F: “I like it.”

What do you say to that?

F: “Well goodnight.”

B: “Goodnight.”

I close my eyes and everything is still for a moment. I can hear Buffy breathing next to me. I know we are both awake. I feel a shift in the bed and I feel her eyes on me. What do I do? She knows I am not asleep. Should I just lay here with my eyes closed and hope that she turns away. Against my better judgment I open my eyes. She is now on her side, a bit closer, but we are still not touching, she is propped up on her elbow and her head is resting on her hand. The moonlight is illuminating her face and she looks beautiful. She is my friend though, I have never looked at Buffy in terms of beauty and I definitely don’t need to be thinking about her like that now. But, she does look beautiful.

B: “Faith.”

I don’t say anything, I know what is coming. She tilts her head down towards mine. Her eyes are open and she softly touches her lips to mine. She pulls back and looks at me expectantly. I don’t say anything, I don’t know what to say and I just keep looking at her. She tilts her head down; this time with her eyes closed, and brings her lips again to mine. This time I respond. I close my eyes and just enjoy the sensation of being kissed. Her lips are so soft and the touch is so light. I capture her bottom lip and the intensity increases slightly.

She moves over, laying her body partly on mine, her left leg falling between mine. She moves her left arm so that it is along my side, her hand on the back of my head and I move my hands onto her back, gently running my hands along her spine. The kisses continue and I know that my breath reeks of alcohol and cigarettes, but she doesn’t seem to mind. I feel her tongue lightly trace my bottom lip and I open my mouth to her. I stop all the thoughts that are running through my mind and give in completely to what is happening. Her tongue enters my mouth slowly, just taking in the feeling of being there. I let her explore, as she runs her tongue across my teeth, along the ridges and then our tongues entwine. I can feel her fingers tangled in my hair pulling our mouths closer together. We breathe together, not breaking the motion we have built. And it is mind blowing.

I had never thought about this happening, but if I had, I think it is safe to assume that this exceeds any expectation I could have possibly had. We kiss for what seems like hours, my hand gently exploring her back and running up to the back of head and through her soft hair. I feel her left hand make its way down my side while she still uses her right arm to balance herself on top of me. Her hand continues traveling down my side until it reaches the bottom of my tee. She runs her hand along the bottom of my shirt and lifts the material with her thumb allowing her hand access to my skin. The feeling of her hand on my skin is electric and I want to feel her skin under my hands. I pull my own hands down her back and run them under her tee. Her back muscles are so strong and I feel her skin form goose bumps under my touch. With this she lets out a soft moan into my mouth. And we stay like this, exploring each other’s mouths and each other’s skin.

We take our time; there is no hurry and I let her lead the way. Her hand has been running along my stomach, my side, and my back and I have run my hands from her shoulders down to the small of her back and along her sides. Her hand comes once again to my front and she softly takes one of my breasts in her hand. I respond immediately to her touch and instinctively my hands travel to her breasts with the same response. We continue to learn each other’s bodies and our kisses have begun to travel across each other’s faces and necks. She kisses me along my jaw line and along the side of my neck to the curve. She opens her mouth and sucks hard and I feel her teeth along my skin. It sends shivers up my spine and I know there will be a reminder of this kiss tomorrow.

Our touches aren’t urgent, we are still fully clothed, but the pressure is increasing. I feel her hand moving along the valley between my breasts and down my stomach, she stops at my belly button and her thumb rests there for a second. I know where this is going. Her hand starts moving again and her lips find mine. Her hand is running along the waistband of my shorts and her fingers slide between the material and my skin. I can’t do this. I’m not ready for this. I pull my hand quickly from under her shirt and place it softly on her hand. I stop the kiss with the sound of my voice.

F: “Buffy wait.”

B: “What’s wrong Faith?”

F: “Nothing, nothing is wrong, this is all very good. I am just not ready for this.”

Did I just say that?

B: “Is it me?”

F: “No Buffy. No it is not you.”

B: “What is it, why did you stop me?”

F: “It’s just that physically everything feels right, everything feels really good, great actually, but…”

B: “But what?”

F: “I don’t know the right words to explain this. This is all moving so fast and I’m not thinking too clearly. I don’t know how I feel about this and I don’t know how you feel about this. And I don’t know where this will leave us afterwards, do you?”

B: “No I don’t.”

F: “Doesn’t that frighten you?”

She rolls off of me and lies back down on her back.

B: “Yes, it does. I just know that nothing has ever felt so right and so real to me as this, but I don’t know what it all means.”

F: “I want to know what it means B, before we move further.”

We lay silently and I know that she agrees with me.

B: “Faith?”

F: “Yeah?”

B: “Would you mind if I just kissed you again?”

F: “I wouldn’t mind that.”

And we kiss again, a long deep kiss full of emotion, but without the knowledge of its meaning. After, she settles back and we wrap our arms around each other. Our breathing slows and soon sleep overtakes us. I wake up just before seven and she is gone, only a note on the pillow. In the note she tells me that she didn’t want to wake me but she will call later. I sigh, roll over and twist the blinds open slightly to watch the sun rising on a new day.

POV Buffy

I wake at six and turn off the alarm so it won’t go off later. I carefully pull myself out of Faith’s arms and just sit on the bed watching her. She was right to stop us. I wasn’t being fair to her or to myself, continuing on without knowing why it was even happening. She looks so beautiful with the rising sun peeking through the blinds and lighting up her face. I want to stay here and wait until she wakes up to talk, but I still don’t know what to say. She needs answers and I need to be able to provide her with some, at least from my side.

The drive back to Sunnydale passes quickly as my mind is full of so many thoughts. I go home to shower and change and then head into the store. I have one question that I need to answer, do I love her. I know that I love Faith as a friend, as a best friend, if there is a difference, but am I in love with her. Loving her will mean that we will risk losing our friendship if it doesn’t work out. All of these thoughts run through my head. Then of course I need to know how she feels about me. I don’t know if I am in love with her. I am not sure that I know how to define what being in love is. The only experience I have is what I had with Angel, doomed teenage love. How do I compare what I feel towards Faith with that? I can’t, they are far too different. I still feel her lips on mine, her hands on me, the taste of her, the smell of her. I know that Faith is going to LA tonight and I feel a pang of jealousy in my stomach, in my heart.

POV Faith

The day passes slowly although my mind is full of thoughts. I have never been in this position before. I have never had the opportunity of loving someone and them loving me back. I have never been in love before and I don’t know what it is supposed to feel like. I need a book or something so that I can look up the definition of being in love and know for sure what it is supposed to be, to feel like.

I was planning on going to LA tonight, but it just feels wrong now, and I don’t really feel like picking someone up for anonymous sex. I stay in bed for the rest of the morning finally dragging myself out around noon. Throughout the day I find myself touching the place on my neck where Buffy has laid her mark and thinking about what it means. After I finish dinner, left-over from last night, I hear the phone ring. I know it is Buffy and I can’t bring myself to answer it so I let the answering machine pick up.

B: “Hi Faith, it’s me, Buffy. I just wanted to say hi. I know that you are in LA, but I am hoping that you’ll call me when you get in tomorrow. And, um, I just wanted to say too that I am thinking about you. So, ok, I will talk to you later. Ok, bye.”

I return to the only comforts I know and head out to the porch.

I don’t call Buffy back on Sunday or Monday, or even Tuesday. She doesn’t call me either. I go to work and go home and I think about things that I know nothing about. I tried to talk to Susannah a bit, but when I couldn’t put into words what I wanted to ask, I just let it go. It is better that I figure this out on my own anyway. The phone rings on Wednesday and I know it is Buffy. I pick up. We talk briefly. She doesn’t ask about LA and I don’t tell her that I didn’t go. We assure each other that we are doing fine and that our work places are both very busy. I can feel that she is relieved to just hear the sound of my voice, as I am to hear hers. We say our goodbyes and hang up.

This house suddenly feels too small and this town too claustrophobic. I can sense Buffy everywhere here. I can feel her on my skin, on my lips, and I can still taste her. I know that I need to get out of town for a few days. I go into work on Thursday morning and ask Susannah if I can send some flowers to a friend. She doesn’t even think about it before telling me yes. I arrange a small bouquet of flowers and write a card.

Buffy, I’m not sure if you were planning on coming over this weekend, but I am going out of town for a few days. I will call you when I get back. Faith.

I give Manny the address and he agrees to deliver them this afternoon. Susannah and I eat lunch in the back room together and I ask her if she minds if I take Monday off so that I can have a long weekend. She asks me if everything is ok and I tell her I’m fine that I just wanted to take a few days off. She agrees without hesitation as I have never taken a day off before, or even called in sick for that matter. I breathe a sigh of relief at this. I am planning on going down to LA on Friday and I want to disappear for a while. I don’t want to think about Buffy and our situation; I don’t want to think about anything.

After work Friday, I go home, pack and head down to LA. When I arrive, it is too late to go out. I am tired from the week and from the drive, so I crash in the motel room. Saturday I just walk about the city a bit. I go into a bookstore and browse and it just brings Buffy to the forefront of my mind. Once she’s there I can’t shake her. Later that night, I get ready and go out to a new club, one that I haven’t been to before, one where no one will know me. I am looking for someone, someone who will push Buffy out of my thoughts. I find him. He is good looking and doesn’t ask any questions, not even my name. We dance and everything starts to intensify. He brings his head down to kiss me and I turn away. This is not what I want. I excuse myself and leave.

At my motel room, I lie on the bed smoking too many cigarettes. I don’t know what to do. At about three in the morning I go to the front desk and check out. I get in my car to drive home. The drive is long, but I am wide-awake. I finally reach my destination about five-thirty and walk up to the front door. I ring the doorbell and wait. After a few moments the door opens.

B: “Faith. Hi.”

F: “Hi Buffy. I’m sorry to wake you.”

B: “Are you ok? Come in.”

F: “I’m good, kind of. I don’t want to come in. Can you come with me?”

B: “Uh, sure. Let me just go throw on some clothes. Come in, I’ll only be moment.”

F: “You know I’ll just wait out here.”

B: “Ok, I’ll be right back.”

And she goes. She leaves the door open though, so I stay on the porch. She looks good, sleepy, but good. I don’t know what I am doing here, or how I ended up here. When I started driving, I just went where my heart lead me.

She comes back down and we get into my jeep and drive. We don’t talk, only drive. When I finally stop the car, we are on a bluff overlooking Sunnydale. I don’t have any idea of what I am going to say, so we don’t speak. We both climb into the back seat and sit side by side our bodies touching. The silence continues as we watch the sun begin to rise. Buffy is the first to speak.

B: “I got the flowers that you sent. They’re beautiful, thank you.”

F: “I’m glad that you like them.”

B: “I’m glad that you came back.”

F: “I don’t know what to do here Buffy. We have so much to lose. I have never had a friend, a best friend before. And that is what you are to me, my best friend.”

B: “You’re my best friend too, Faith.”

F: "What do you want Buffy? What do you want from me? Is this just about comfort, about sex; is it just two lonely people hooking up?"

B: “No Faith, not for me. This is about us. I want a relationship with you- just you and me.”

I don’t know what to say to that. It is what I was hoping she would say, but it doesn’t make the picture any clearer.

B: “Faith, I want to love you.”

F: “But…”

B: “No, wait, that came out wrong. I want you to let me love you, to let me in.”

F: “The risk is so great here Buffy.”

B: “Sometimes you have to take risks Faith, in order to find out what is possible.”

F: “I don’t think I could take losing you B.”

B: “I know that I can’t lose you Faith.”

We are looking at each other now, as the sun continues to rise. I can see the tears in her eyes, although they do not fall, and I know my own eyes are filling too.

F: “I’m scared Buffy.”

B: “Why did you come here this morning Faith, what brought you to my house?”

F: “I just followed my heart.”

B: “Follow it now Faith, what is it telling you now?”

And with that I tilt my head down and bring my lips to hers. I feel the tears fall from her eyes and they moisten my cheek, my lips. The kiss is soft and filled with promise. When it ends we just sit back and watch the sunrise. She curls up against me, laying her head on my shoulder and wrapping her arms around my waist. I wrap my arms around her and hold her close. And we once again fall silent.

B: “What time is it?”

F: “I hold my wrist up so that she can see my watch.”

B: “Shit, I have to get to the bookstore. Can you take me over there?”

F: “Sure.”

B: “I just have to open it up and let in the morning crew. Will you stay with me? Will you come back to my house with me?”

F: “Of course.”

B: “What time do you have to go back today?”

F: “I don’t. I took tomorrow off from work. I don’t have to leave until tomorrow night.”

She smiles the most amazing smile and it is only for me.

B: “Good. I’ll makes arrangements at the store to take tomorrow off too then.”

F: “You don’t have to, you know. I can go back tonight or tomorrow when you need to go in.”

She places a finger on my lips to silence me.

B: “I want to take tomorrow off, I want to spend the day with you.”

And with that she kisses me again. Sometimes you just have to do what you're told. We get back in the front seats and drive to the bookstore. While she goes in, I notice the coffee shop next door and decide to get some breakfast. We both meet back at the car at the same time.

B: “Hey you.”

There is that smile again.

F: “Hi.”

B: “Everything is all set for tomorrow.”

F: “I picked up some coffee and breakfast.”

B: “I see that. Thank you.”

F: “Where should go now.”

B: “Let’s go back to my house.”

F: “Good plan.”

I feel calm, for the first time since last week. It is a good feeling, although I am wary of happiness. I have never been able to sustain happiness in my life for any length of time. I don’t know how I’ll react when faced with it. We get back to her house I grab my overnight bag from the back, and Buffy takes our breakfast inside.

F: “I am starving.”

B: “We should definitely eat then. Why don’t we take everything to the back porch?”

F: “I’m going wherever the food is going.”

B: “Well the food is headed out back, so you should follow.”

We eat and talk and laugh. When we are finished, Buffy gets out of her lounge chair and comes to sit with me in mine. She sits between my legs and lies up against me. I wrap my arms around her. I guess the week has finally caught up with me and I fall asleep. I don’t know how long I’m asleep, but I soon feel Buffy lightly waking me.

B: “We need to get you inside and into bed.”

I am still a bit groggy.

F: “Ok.”

We go inside and back into her room. She has my bag with her and I change into shorts and a tee. She changes too, into a similar outfit and we climb into bed. I lay down on my side and she comes behind me and wraps her arm around my waist pulling me as close to her as possible. We both fall into a peaceful sleep. When we wake it is late afternoon.

B: “Good afternoon.”

F: “I didn’t realize I was so tired.”

B: “I know, me either. Do you feel like getting some dinner?”

F: “I could eat.”

B: “Good. Let’s get dressed and go.”

F: “Do you mind if I shower first? I can’t remember the last time I showered and it is kind of grossing me out.”

B: “Of course. Towels and everything are in the bathroom.”

F: “Thanks.”

I shower and we get dressed. We head out to a small restaurant and have a nice dinner. During dinner, though, I can feel my need to be with her increasing. The look in her eyes tells me that she is feeling the same way. Our bodies stay in contact throughout dinner, whether it is holding hands, or touching thighs or wrapping our arms around each other’s waists. When dinner is over, we head straight home. At this point the tension is greater than either of us can handle. We barely get the door closed before Buffy has me pushed up against the door kissing me hard. I kiss her hard back and everything is filled with an intense sense of urgency. Clothes are pulled off and the kisses are bruising. We make our way to her bedroom, where the rest of our clothes are discarded. We take each other hard and fast, both of us needing an immediate release. There is little time to explore the other person. The love is just raw and intense and urgent. Our bodies are dripping with sweat and the breathing is fast and when we both release we collapse on each other.

B: “Wow.”

F: “Wow.”

We both lay there silently and I pull a sheet up from off of the floor to cover us. We hold on to each other and drift off to sleep. I awake sometime later to soft kisses on my neck and shoulder. Our eyes meet and I smile at her and she smiles back.

B: “Faith I need you.”

She gives me a long deep kiss and then I pull away.

F: “Buffy, don’t you need to patrol?”

B: “I think that I am going to give myself a night off for good behavior. Is that ok with you?”

F: “Surprisingly, I am ok with that.”

I reach up and capture her lips with mine, but there is no rush. Each kiss is almost painfully slow with want. We discover everything about each other mouth’s and with each breath she takes and gives I feel like she is breathing new life into me. Our mouths move beyond our lips and we explore each other completely, tasting each other and drinking each other in. As she kisses her way back up my body, she looks at me and holds my eyes with hers. All our words are whispered to trap the stillness of the night.

B: “You are so beautiful Faith.”

F: “And you Buffy are stunning and amazing.”

B: “I love you Faith. I am in love with you.”

F: “And I am in love with you Buffy. I love you.”

And with that she brings her lips softly to mine and we start all over again. We make love all through the night and into the morning. We sleep some waking only to take each other again. Monday is spent mostly in the bedroom. We have ice cream in bed for a late brunch, seeing as it is almost the only thing Buffy has in her entire kitchen. We eventually get up for showers, but we both end up in the shower at the same time, which only leads to us getting back into bed. For dinner we decide on take out so that we don’t have to leave the house. Our only disagreement comes when deciding who will have to get dressed to answer the door. I eventually relent, but once I close the door, Buffy pushes me up against the wall again and quickly disrobes me.

B: “I don’t really want to see you in clothes now Faith.”

Eventually we get around to eating dinner.

B: “So what time do you need to leave?”

F: “I guess I should be getting back on the road soon.”

B: “Can you stay the night and leave in the morning?”

F: “I think I can do that.”

She shows her appreciation for my answer with a searing kiss and here we go again. Unfortunately, the alarm goes off far too early in the morning. I reluctantly pull myself out of her arms and go to take a shower alone. When I get out, she has made me a cup of coffee in a little travel mug for the drive.

F: “Thank you B.”

B: “Just remember it’s the thought that counts when you actually taste it.”

F: “I’ll do that.”

B: “When can I see you again?”

F: “I’m free tonight.”

B: “I can come over after I patrol.”

F: “What time do you think you’ll be done?”

B: “I’ll do an early sweep. I can probably leave her around midnight.”

F: “Why don’t I just meet you here then?”

B: “That’s not fair Faith. I don’t want you to do all the driving.”

F: “It’s ok, I don’t mind meeting my girlfriend who happens to spend her nights saving the world.”

B: “We’ll take turns, ok?”

F: “Deal.”

B: “I love you.”

F: “And I love you.”

We get distracted once again by lips and hands. She finally pushes me away.

B: “You need to go now because soon I won’t let you go anywhere.”

F: “I’m not complaining.”

And I take her lips with mine again.

B: “Go now.”

F: “All right, all right. Bye.”

B: “I’ll see you later.”

And with that, I head over to the flower shop. The smile won’t leave my face.

Eleven Months Later

POV Buffy

Words and Music by Heather Nova- “It’s Only Love”

Nearly a year has passed since the morning that Faith came to my house and we joined our lives together. For the first six months, our honeymoon phase, we were inseparable. We never spent a night apart. We slept little and relied on adrenaline and our need for each other to carry us through. Those six months were nothing short of amazing, but looking back we were just running together, running to escape the realities of life that we could feel slowly creeping up on us. Faith accompanied me everywhere I went, and I did the same with her. She went with me every month to visit Willow and her family, and she went with me the few times I went to visit Dawn and her husband. I was nervous telling everyone about us, for no reason it turned out. By this time, so many years had passed and we had all been through so much and everyone had grown to know and love Faith for the person she is now. Even Giles was only happy that I had found someone. Seeing us together as a couple was just seen as a natural progression.

Those months were filled with surprise lunch visits, flowers and letters. Nights were spent whispering and holding each other close. I loved being with her, my hands were constantly on her and her hands never left me. We would walk and I would put my hand in her back pocket or around her waist. I loved having her to lean over to and whisper in her ear. I loved making her laugh with some obscure comment. I loved sitting tangled with her on the couch. I loved the feeling of her arms around me, her hand on my lower back. We shared everything with each other. We talked about our childhoods, our parents, losing our mothers and what it was like to have fathers that we didn’t even know anymore. We talked about the possibility that either of us could have siblings we would never know. Faith opened up to me about her time in prison and I shared with her my time in heaven.

There were still nights when the nightmares came. Faith would abruptly get out bed and I would reach over to her pillow feeling it drenched with sweat and know that she was being haunted. I would pick up a blanket from the bed and go to the back porch where I knew that I would find her. I wrapped the blanket and myself around her tightly, just letting her know that she wasn't alone. We would stay that way until her heart’s rapid pace slowed and her body was no longer shaking. Sometimes, after the calm had come, she would find the courage to speak to me, to tell me what she had seen. Other times when the emotions were too overwhelming, and the words could not be formed, I just held her tighter in my arms, letting her tears wash over us. Even though the circumstances were awful, I felt so privileged just to be let in, for her to let me comfort her, and hold her close. Just to know that in her time of need, she turned to me. There were funny stories too, about all of the embarrassing incidents that happened to us growing up. I have never felt so completely connected to another person.

For those six months we built and lived in our own little world, and for the past five months we have watched as our world has come apart. Susannah, Faith’s boss was diagnosed with cancer. Although it was treatable she was unable to run the shop while receiving the necessary treatment. She handed that responsibility over to Faith. Faith also took over caring for Susannah. She didn’t have family close by, except for Faith. It was so hard on Faith to watch this woman that she loved like a mother become so sick. The only thing that kept her going was the thought that Susannah would get better, that she would recover. I tried to be there for her as much as possible, but I still had my responsibilities to the store and my slaying duties.

I think often about the first night that we spent apart. Faith had been at the shop all day and then at Susannah’s for most of the night. I called her on her cell phone about three in the morning once I finally got back in from patrol. It had been a nasty night; a bunch of newbies out reeking havoc and it had been my night to drive over to Faith’s. When I called her, she was tired and driving back to her house for a few hours of sleep before going into work. We both knew that by the time I drove over there it would be time for her to go into the shop. We assured each other that it would just be for one night, that everything was ok. We were dealing with circumstances beyond our control. We loved each other and this will soon pass.

That night was the beginning and the thread that bound us so tightly together started to unravel. One night spent apart turned into several. And then the several turned into weeks. Xander and I went down to see Willow after Dani had given birth to little Alex. And Faith lived her life separate from mine. We still talked everyday, still professed our love, but the conversations had become short and we were becoming strangers.

	I used to think that I knew what we needed
	Just assumed we would always be fine
	Now I don’t think that we lost the feeling
	But we let everything build up inside

Neither one of us had been in a relationship as adults before. It was painfully obvious that we didn’t know how to balance the realities of life and each other.

	It’s only love
	But love should make us strong
	It’s only love
	But love has been hurting so long

When we were on the phone or with each other, we had so much to say, but instead we said nothing. When I went down to spend the night one weekend, I awoke to find myself alone in the bed. I found Faith on the porch with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I knew from long ago that these were her comforts, things that she turned to, to provide peace in her head. My heart ached. I was no longer that comfort. I walked outside and sat next to her, I had a speech prepared in which I was going to pour out my heart to her and hope she would do the same for me. No words escaped my lips and I just took the glass from her hand and took a drink, letting us drown in silence.

	What a challenge, honesty
	What a struggle to learn to speak
	Who’d have thought that
	Pretending was easier

	It’s only love
	But love has been hurting so long

I knew in my heart that I loved Faith that I was still in love with Faith. We had just become lost to each other. I was terrified that we would not be able to find us. On those rare silent nights that we spent together I could see the love she still felt for me in her eyes, but I also saw the fear and pain that she had expressed to me on that morning so long ago. I kept hoping that when Susannah got better things would improve. Susannah went into remission about six weeks ago and started back at the shop last month. Nothing had changed. We had risked everything and now we were losing it all. When we held each other on those nights, it was no longer out of joy or happiness, we were holding on for life, for love.

	And it’s all a part of me, it tears at my heart
	Only love
	And it’s all an eternity, hoping to learn
	Only love

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make things better. I don’t know how to reach Faith or how to let her reach me. I know that I don’t want to lose her. That having her in my life gives me hope. She is in full defense mode now, trying to protect herself from getting hurt anymore. I know that it is up to me to try to save us, only I don’t have any answers. I need her to meet me half-way, I need to know where she stands and what she wants.

	There’s a part of you I’m trying to reach
	Still a part that I don’t know,
	Tell me, is devotion a gift or a thief?
	Do you wish I’d let go?

I can sense that she is waiting for this to come to an end, so that we can get back to living our lives apart from each other. I’m not ready to give up. I pull up in Faith’s driveway and pray that the words will come.

POV Faith

I make my way through the kitchen and to the back porch with a drink in one hand and my pack of smokes in the other. Buffy is on her way here now. She called me earlier and asked if she could come over. I remember a time when she no longer needed an invitation to come over, but that seemed like forever ago. I know that tonight is the end for us. I have seen it coming for a while now and I had no way of stopping it. Part of me doesn’t want to stop it from happening. Sometimes I think that I would be better alone anyway. I thought that when Susannah got sick it would put everything in perspective for me. That I would hold those I loved even closer to me, knowing how quickly it could all be taken away. It had the opposite effect.

Buffy and I had grown closer than I ever thought possible. I have to admit that I loved being with Buffy. Just feeling her next to me wherever we went. Putting my arms around her, listening to her whisper in my ear, knowing that her words were meant only for me to hear, for me to understand. Being part of a couple has added meaning to my life, someone more than myself to think about. But life is too hard alone, when you add another person to the mix, it becomes impossible. I hate what has happened to us over the last several months. I hate that I feel so powerless to do something to save us. There were so many times that I wanted to say something, but my words had failed me. I love Buffy. With everything that I am I love Buffy. Love doesn’t hold all the answers though. The realties of life have caught up with us. I hear her car pull up into the driveway. I don’t get up. She’ll find me out here eventually.

POV Buffy

Words and music by Vanessa Carlton- “Pretty Baby”

I let myself into her house; she knows that I am coming over. I can see the back doors open to the porch and I know where to find her, I drop my purse and bag on the floor and walk towards her. She is sitting on the second step of the porch, a drink on the top step and I see a cigarette in her hand. I know that she has heard me, but she doesn’t acknowledge my presence. I come up and sit down behind her, placing one leg on each side of her. I bend down leaning onto her and I reach my arms under hers and wrap them around her, placing my head on her shoulder. I watch as she continues to inhale and exhale on her cigarette. I keep my head on her shoulder.

B: “I am not letting you go Faith.”

F: “I don’t think the circumstances are giving us much of a choice here Buffy.”

B: “I am not letting us go Faith.”

With those last words her body relaxes into mine and I readjust, placing my head on top of hers. We sit in silence for a while. She lights up another cigarette and I take a long drink from her glass. I watch as she consumes this cigarette and then stubs it out into the ashtray by her feet. I feel her lifting herself off of the step and I sit back, pulling my arms reluctantly away. I feel a slight panic run through me, thinking that she is going to walk away from me. Instead she joins me on the top set, facing me, I turn, face her and lean against the porch post. She picks my legs up and moves over as close to me as she can get and drapes my legs over her. I relish the contact. She looks at me, our eyes meeting for the first time since I arrived.

F: “I love you Buffy.”

B: “And I love you.”

F: “I don’t know what to do here. I don’t know how to fix this.”

She is running her hands over my legs in a comforting way.

B: “We haven’t tried to fix anything Faith. We have to give it chance.”

F: “Where do we start?”

B: “I love you and I want to be with you. When I look into the future, you are the one I want that future with, anything without you would be incomplete. How do you feel about me, about us?”

F: “I love you, too. I have tried to tell myself that I could live my life without you, that somehow it would be ok, but I know that it isn’t true. I want you B, I want us.”

B: “Then I think we have a good starting point.”

We sit and talk out on the porch for what seems like hours. We discuss the lives that we each want to have and how they fit together with each other. Then we discuss what we have to do to change things, to make them better. By the time we are done, we know that we have a long road ahead of us and that not everyone will be happy with the decisions that we have made. But, the decisions are ours, we have made them together, we have decided what is best for us. We are together and we plan to stay that way. She stands up and takes my hands in hers and helps me up, not letting go of my hands.

F: “Are you hungry? I can fix something.”

B: “No, not really, are you?”

F: “No.”

B: “Why don’t we just go to bed, babe?”

F: “I can go for that.”

I go to the front door and get my bag from where I dropped it earlier and then we head back to her bedroom. We change and crawl into bed. We lay close in bed, her back to me and I slide my hand underneath her tee. I have formed this habit of finding her scar, the scar that I gave her, with my hand and running my fingers over it. I don’t know why I started doing this, it is like a permanent reminder of our connection to each other, something tangible, and it reminds me of the pledge I made to myself never to hurt this woman again. After a few minutes of this, she takes my hand in her own and brings it to her lips. She kisses each finger and ends with a kiss to my palm. She interlocks her fingers with mine and rolls over to face me. We just sit and look at each other. She releases her hand from mine and starts tracing my face with her fingers. She brushes the hair back from my face and just looks into my eyes. Her hand continues to trace its way along my neck, down my arm, and onto my stomach.

Our words are only whispers.

F: “I love you baby and I have missed you so much.”

B: “I have missed you too.”

F: “You are so soft. I love just feeling your skin under my hands. Do you mind this?”

B: “I never mind your hands on me.”

Her hands come up to my lips and her fingers run along them. I open them taking her thumb in my mouth and sucking lightly. We stay here, whispering to each other, telling each other what we missed most and what we love about each other, just feeling one another and breathing each other in. Clothes are eventually removed until we are lying on each other, skin on skin. She is kissing up my neck, running her teeth along my skin, along my jaw line until she reaches my lips. She touches her lips to mine so softly and I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks.

F: “Baby, what is it, why are you crying?”

B: “Just tell me that you won’t give up on me Faith, on us.”

F: “I’m not Buffy, I won’t.”

I need more reassurance than that and my eyes are pleading with her to lay it all out on the line for me.

F: “I have made a lot of mistakes Buffy and they will haunt me for the rest of my life. I have little to show, little to be proud of. I am proudest of you, of us. I give myself to you, it is all I have to offer you.”

B: “I will protect you Faith, I will protect us, with my life.”

She places her lips on mine again, full of promise, full of hope. We take everything slow, reacquainting ourselves. Our bodies are brought to the brink of pleasure, but we just hold it there constant, not taking it over the edge. We are in no hurry. We taste each other, and feel each other, the sweat starting to drench the sheets beneath us. Finally, when we can not hold out any longer, we take each other together, making it last as long as possible, waves of pleasure rolling over us, sustaining us. In the early morning we succumb to sleep, still tangled together.

The alarm goes off shortly after we fall asleep. Faith groans in obvious displeasure. I place my lips next to her ear.

B: “Just stay in bed, you don’t need to get up.”

Her grunt in response brings a smile to my lips. I kiss her softly on the cheek and pull myself out of the warmth of the bed. A hand takes mine.

F: “It’s still early, we have time.”

She pulls me onto her wrapping her strong arms around me. Her hands run down back and cup my ass pulling me tightly to her.

	You light me up and then I fall for you
	You lay me down and then I call for you
	Stumbling on reasons that are far and few
	I’d let it all come down and then some for you

I find her lips with mine and kiss her deeply running my tongue along her teeth. My lips trace her jaw line finding her pulse and sucking hard I leave my mark on her as she moans out my name.

	Pretty baby don’t you leave me
	I have been saving smiles for you
	Pretty baby why can’t you see
	You’re the only one that I belong to
	I’ll be the embrace that keeps you warm
	For you’re the sun that breaks the storm
	I’ll be alright and I’ll sleep sound
	As long as you keep coming round, oh pretty baby

The sweat glistens off of our bodies as we move together as one.

F: “Oh Buffy, I love you so much.”

B: “Are you sure that’s not just the sex talking?”

F: “The sex is unbelievable, but you are so much more.”

B: “Good answer.”

I run my hands down her body feeling her soft skin under my fingers. I place hard kisses along her stomach, tasting the salt on her skin, making my way down.

	And I know things can’t last forever
	But there are lessons that you’ll never learn
	Oh just the scent of you it makes me hurt
	So how’s it you that makes me better

She moves inside me and I wrap my arms around her head, our eyes locking. We watch each other, taking each other in.

	Why can’t you hold me and never let go
	When you touch me it is me that you own
	Pretty baby oh the place that you hold in my heart
	Would you break it apart again… oh pretty baby

We come hard and she pulls me to her. We stay tangled up in each other, placing kisses upon each other’s face, neck and shoulders until we both can breathe normally again.

I finally make my way to the shower. I get dressed and come out of the bathroom to the smell of coffee. I follow the aroma to the kitchen where she is sitting on the counter next to the coffee maker. I walk up and stand between her legs and she wraps her arms around me.

F: “I poured you one for the road.”

I reach up and give her a kiss.

B: “Thank you.”

F: “So what’s the plan?”

B: “I’m going to go to work now, and I’ll call Giles. It is already afternoon there so he should be home. I should be done with work early, so I guess I’ll just meet you back at my house.”

F: “Good plan.”

B: “Are you sure you don’t mind becoming a commuter? That is a long drive that you are going to be doing twice everyday.”

F: “Buffy, we talked about this, it is only for the short term; everything will work itself out. Let’s not start deviating from the plan already.”

B: “Ok, but if you are ever too tired to drive, you better call me and I will come get you.”

F: “Deal. You better get going.”

I wrap my arms around her and hold her close to me.

B: “I like it here.”

F: “I like you here too, but you are going to have employees waiting outside your store for you who might not like the fact that you’re here as much as we do.”

B: “All right, all right. One kiss and then I’m gone.”

She smiles and leans down and takes my bottom lip in her teeth biting softly and sending shivers up my spine. She lightly enters my mouth with her tongue and then kisses me so deeply my knees buckle a little and hit the cabinets below. When she pulls back, I am slightly dazed. This girl knows how to kiss.

F: “Go now.”

I am still trying to think straight. Smiling I pick up the coffee mug that she has fixed for me walking towards the door.

F: “Buffy?”

I turn around.

F: “Bag?”

B: “Oh right. Thank you.”

F: “Buffy?”

I turn around again.

F: “Purse?”

B: “Thanks.”

I again head for the door. She comes up behind me and opens the door handing me my car keys.

F: “You might need these too.”

I just smile at her and she laughs.

F: “Are you going to be ok, do I need to drive you?”

B: “Well if some people just gave simple goodbye kisses I might be able to keep it together.”

F: “Hmmmm…”

And with that she pushes me up against the open door and gives me a searing kiss.

F: “I don’t want to know those people.”

I give her a goofy smile and she just laughs.

F: “I’ll see you tonight. Have a good day at work dear.”

B: “Thanks dear.”

One Month Later

POV Faith

The past few weeks have been a blur of constant activity. Once Buffy and I decided what it was that we wanted to do, we wasted no time in putting our plan into action. The first weekend we took Xander down with us to LA for a visit and to let everyone know what our plan was. The second weekend we went up to visit Dawn and Jon and let her know what we had planned. The next weekend was spent finishing packing up my house and moving me into Buffy’s house. The weeks were filled too. Buffy was training a manager for her store so that she didn’t have to be there as much anymore. She was also patrolling every night. I was working every day, as well as dealing with the hassle of getting an expedited passport, packing up and cleaning my house, and driving back and forth to Buffy’s house each night. And now we are sitting on a plane headed to England. This is the first time that I have left the country and it was a shame that a trip like this had to be wasted on business, but it needed to be done.

B: “Are you nervous? Your hands are all sweaty.”

F: “Sorry about that. I am a bit nervous. I haven’t flown much.”

B: “Me either, but everything will be fine. Just keep holding my hand.”

F: “So Giles is going to meet us at the airport?”

B: “Yep, I called him yesterday and let him know all our flight information.”

F: “Good. So everything is all set.”

B: “Everything is all set.”

F: “This is going to be a long flight.”

B: “We still have to change planes in New York.”

F: “Great, we have two long flights.”

B: “Just lay back and try and get some sleep.”

F: “I think I need a cigarette.”

B: “Well, your cigarettes are in your luggage which is currently sitting under the plane, besides the fact that this is a non-smoking flight.”

F: “Maybe I could just a drink then.”

B: “I promise once the flight attendants rolls that cart around, we’ll get you a drink.”

F: “Ok, good.”

B: “Just sit back, babe, everything is going to be fine.”

F: “Aren’t you nervous?”

B: “About what, flying?”

F: “About flying, about the meeting, about what we are about to do?”

B: “No, I know that flight will be fine. And I know that we have made the right decisions for ourselves.”

F: “Are you sure?”

B: “For the millionth time, I am sure.”

F: “I just don’t want you making any decisions that you are not one-hundred percent sure about.”

B: “Baby, I’m sure. One-hundred percent sure.”

F: “Ok, but you better let me know if you change your mind.”

B: “You’ll be the first to know. Now just relax. Do you want to listen to a CD or something?”

F: “Maybe I’ll just look at that magazine.”

B: “Here you go.”

F: “Thank you.”

The flight goes smoothly, as well as the change over in New York, and we finally arrive in England. We meet Giles after we go through customs.

G: “Buffy, Faith!”

F: “There he is over there, Buffy.”

We walk over to Giles.

G: “It is so good to see you both.”

B: “You too. I have missed you so much Giles.”

Buffy reaches out and envelops him in a hug. He looks tentatively at me, but I decide to surprise him and I hug him too.

F: “Hi Giles.”

G: “Faith, it is good to see you.”

F: “You too. It has been a while.”

G: “Yes, it has. You look wonderful.”

F: “Thank you. You’re not looking so bad there yourself.”

G: “Well, thank you.”

B: “Ok, you two, we can catch on the way. I am exhausted.”

G: “Of course you are, you both must be. Well, we have the remainder of today to rest and we meet with the council first thing tomorrow.”

B: “Sounds good to me.”

F: “Thank you for picking us up Giles.”

B: “Yes, thank you.”

G: “You are both very welcome.”

The drive to Giles’ house is filled with conversation. He is still with Petra, so he talks about her and their life together. It is funny to watch him speak about her, he glows and a little smile appears on his face. I wonder if he even notices, I wonder if that happens when I talk about Buffy. He asks about me and about Buffy. Then he asks about our life together. When we get to his house, we meet Petra. She is the opposite of what I pictured Giles with. I guess I always had this image of a school-teacher type, but she is really cute and has kind of eclectic sense of style. The moment we walk in the door, she immediately has her hands around him. Wow, they are smitten with each other. After introductions, we talk for a bit and then Petra shows us to our bedroom and where the bathroom is. We take turns showering and then go into the kitchen. Giles and Petra have fixed us an amazing dinner. While we eat we get to hear how Petra runs an art gallery in town and that they met there when Giles came in one day. Petra seems to have opened him up. He seems more relaxed and happier than I ever remembered him being. Buffy even leans over to me when they take our dishes into the kitchen and whispers this same thing to me. After dinner, Petra begs off and Giles leads us back into his study.

G: “So, we will be meeting with Quentin Travers’ successor tomorrow, Terrence Murray. He is a good man. He is the first council head that I have ever met that is extremely sympathetic to the plight of the slayer. He knows what you both do, and he knows how important you both are to carrying out the mission of the council.”

F: “You do know that I am no longer slaying right?”

G: “Yes, of course. But, Faith, you are still a slayer, whether or not you are an active participant.”

B: “So, this Terrence guy, do you think that he will be willing to help us?”

G: “I think that he will be willing to do what ever is in his power to help, yes.”

B: “Good.”

G: “I must say, that what you are both asking is unprecedented. I have been doing a lot of research, I have found no records of this having ever been done before.”

B: “Well, I don’t think that any slayer has lived as long as we have either.”

G: “Quite right.”

B: “I just wish I knew what was going to happen.”

F: “I guess we’ll all find that out tomorrow.”

After a few more minutes, Buffy and I finally give in to the exhaustion that we are both feeling and say our goodnights. While I know that we are both nervous about what tomorrow holds, our bodies don’t let us stay awake to worry and we are soon curled up with each and fast asleep.

When we awake, we both again take turns in the shower and getting ready. We have breakfast with Giles and Petra. Then she goes in to work after giving us her best wishes and we head over to the council’s headquarters. When we arrive Giles tells Terrence’s assistant that we are there and we are escorted in almost immediately.

T: “Hello Rupert, good to see you.”

G: “Hello Terrence.”

T: “This must be Buffy and Faith. How nice to finally meet you both. I am Terrence Murray.”

Buffy takes his outstretched hand.

B: “Hello nice to meet you.”

F: “Hi.”

I, too, take his hand, although a bit more cautiously.

T: “Although Giles set this meeting up for us, he has not told me the reason.”

B: “We do appreciate you meeting with us Terrence.”

T: “Of course, anytime. You two are the front line of this battle that we are waging.”

B: “We have come for one reason really, we both wish to resign our posts as slayers.”

F: “And we want you to call into duty the next slayer.”

T: “I see. Well, I must tell you that this is not great news for us. Your success has been unprecedented, as obvious by the fact that you are the oldest living slayers to have ever existed.”

B: “That is the reason for this. I don’t think either of us ever expected to live this long and now that we have, we would like a chance to live a life away from slaying. A somewhat normal life if you will.”

T: “I understand that completely. Although, I will be extremely sorry to lose you both, I will accept your resignations. You are not bound to us, no matter what your destiny says. You have always been free to choose how you wish to live. As evidenced by Faith choosing not return to slaying after her release from prison.”

F: “You know about that?”

T: “Yes, we do try to keep up. There are only the two of you in active duty.”

G: “And you will call in the next slayer?”

T: “Ah yes, the next slayer. Unfortunately, that can not be done.”

B: “What do you mean that can’t be done?”

T: “Just that, it is not something that we are able to do. The next slayer is called upon the death of the current slayer. As in your death, Kendra was called, and upon her death Faith was called. The next slayer will not be called until the time of Faith’s passing.”

F: “So what, the Hellmouth will be left unprotected. It will just be a free for all for all the vamps, monsters and other big bads of the world?”

T: “For the most part, yes. We will probably decide whether or not to send in a team of people to help try and keep the peace, but…”

B: “But, they will be civilians, with no supernatural powers.”

T: “That is correct.”

G: “There must be something that can be done.”

T: “I wish that there was, Rupert, but this is not something that is within our control. These decisions are made by forces that we do not know, that we can not contact, much in the same way that the slayers are chosen.”

B: “I wasn’t expecting this.”

T: “You mustn’t let this knowledge change your decision. You have both given your lives to fight the good fight, you are entitled to have your lives now.”

B: “But how can we do that knowing that so many innocent people will die because of us?”

G: “You can’t think like that Buffy. You deserve to live, to live a life away from all of this, you must understand that.”

F: “I don’t think that we would ever be able to live, not freely at least. We would always know that our freedom came at a cost of innocent lives. What happens if I live to be ninety? You’re telling me that for the next sixty years the world would go unprotected, without a slayer? In the past ten years we have already faced numerous apocalypses, who’s to say another one isn’t readying itself right now? Without a slayer, the world could end, and we wouldn’t have gotten to live the lives that we are asking for right now.”

B: “Faith is right, we can’t knowingly do that.”

G: “So, what options are we left with?”

T: “Unfortunately, I don’t believe that there are any options.”

B: “So this is it then.”

F: “It’s ok Buffy.”

B: “No, it isn’t ok Faith.”

F: “You’re right it is not ok, but when there are no other choices, we just have to accept it.”

B: “I won’t.”

F: “You aren’t being given a choice.”

G: “Faith is right Buffy. Without any choices, we just have to accept what is.”

T: “What, then, is the status of the slayers?”

F: “Well, Buffy can still resign, can’t she.”

T: “Yes, she can resign and that will leave you as the official slayer on duty.”

B: “If we can’t both resign together, then there is no way that I am going to resign.”

F: “Buffy, at least let one of us be free.”

B: “Then you should resign.”

F: “I can’t resign. The slayer lineage rests with me, it makes more sense for you to resign.”

B: “I am not going to do it.”

T: “I guess then that we have reached an impasse.”

G: “I suggest that we discuss this further in private, once we have all had the chance to think about this a little more.”

F: “Good idea.”

G: “I thank you Terrence for your time.”

F: “Yes, thank you.”

B: “Thank you, although I wish we had been able to leave with better news.”

T: “As do I. Even so, it was a pleasure meeting you both in person. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do for either of you in the future.”

F: “We will do that.”

T: “Faith, if you do decide to return to active duty, we will activate your salary immediately.”

G: “Goodbye Terrence.”

T: “Rupert.”

We leave in silence and it continues until we reach Giles’ house.

G: “I think that in the given situation it might do us some good to do some research of our own.”

F: “I am up for that. You still have your massive library?”

G: “Yes, it is in my study.”

F: “Buffy, are you up for it?”

B: “I don’t think we have much choice.”

We research without success until Petra comes home. We all help fix dinner and we discuss with Petra the news that we found out.

P: “I am so sorry to hear this. I was so hoping that they were going to be able to help you.”

B: “So were we.”

F: “But we haven’t given up hope yet. There are still hundreds of books left to go through, right Giles?”

G: “Quite right, Faith, quite right. We still have plenty of research left to do.”

P: “Well, good. So we won’t give up just yet.”

F: “No we won’t.”

After dinner, Petra goes into the study with us to help cover more ground. We research for hours, going through book after book. Giles taps me on the arm and points over to Buffy who has fallen asleep on the couch.

F: “I think she is still suffering from a bit of jetlag.”

G: “It is late, maybe we should call it an evening.”

P: “We’ll just pick up here tomorrow.”

F: “All right. I’ll get her to bed.”

I walk over to Buffy and softly wake her.

F: “Hey babe, we’re going to call it a night. Let’s go to bed.”

B: “No we need to keep going.”

F: “We will, just in the morning.”

She yawns.

B: “Ok then. Goodnight Giles. Goodnight Petra, thank you for all of your help.”

P: “Of course, goodnight Buffy.”

G: “Sleep well Buffy, you too Faith.”

F: “Thanks Giles.”

Buffy and I go back to our room, change and get into bed. Buffy curls up next to me.

B: “I love you Faith. We’ll figure something out.”

F: “Love you too and we will find a way out of this. Just know that ok?”

B: “Ok.”

It doesn’t take long before Buffy is asleep again. I just lay awake thinking. Once I am sure that she is out, I get up and head back into the study.

G: “Faith, I thought you were going to bed.”

F: “I could say the same about you.”

G: “I guess I just couldn’t sleep.”

F: “Me either.”

G: “Buffy?”

F: “Sleeping.”

We sit quietly as we both flip through the pages of more books.

F: “Giles?”

G: “Yes?”

F: “I think we both know what needs to be done.”

G: “What are you thinking Faith?”

F: “That the only way for us to be free of our destinies and to protect the world is for me to die.”

G: “I wasn’t thinking that.”

F: “I mean I wouldn’t have to die permanently. We could just put me out long enough to register as dead and then you can bring me back to life. It will be like when the master killed Buffy, she went out for a couple of minutes, was technically dead, and Kendra was called. We could do that right?”

G: “It would be an enormous risk Faith.”

F: “But, we don’t have any other choices. I am willing to take the risk.”

G: “You know Buffy will not let that happen.”

F: “This is not her decision to make.”

B: “I think that is at least partly my decision.”

G: “Buffy.”

B: “I do feel you get up, you know. I thought you might have just gone to get a drink or something, but when you didn’t come back, I thought I might find you here.”

F: “Giles and I were just talking about a possible solution, that’s all.”

G: “Yes, we were just going over the options.”

B: “Well, I only heard the one option being discussed.”

F: “Buffy, it is the only real option that we have. We have been through all of these books and they all say the same thing. A new slayer will only be called when the current slayer dies. I’m it. I am the current slayer. This is the only way that we can be free.”

B: “Giles, how can you let her even consider this. You are supposed to be the voice of reason here. This is not a viable option. Tell her that.”

G: “Buffy, we were just…”

F: “Buffy, Giles had nothing to do with this. This is my idea, not his. He hasn’t even given his opinion yet.”

G: “Maybe I should just leave the two of you to discuss this further.”

B: “I think that would be a good idea.”

F: “Thank you Giles.”

G: “Goodnight.”

Giles leaves us alone.

B: “I don’t think that we have anything to discuss here Faith. For you to die is not an option.”

F: “It most certainly is an option and a very real solution.”

B: “Look Faith, nothing needs to change. I will continue to do the slaying, our lives will go on as they are now.”

F: “That is not the life that we decided upon, the life that we both agreed to.”

B: “What are you saying then Faith?”

F: “I am saying that I don’t want to sit around and wait for you to come home, wait for the one night when you don’t come home. You are already living on borrowed time Buffy. This is life number three for you, how long do you think you have before some vamp gets lucky? You are a walking target for all the badness in the world. Plus you are getting older Buffy, you are no longer the twenty year old kicking ass around the cemetery.”

B: “Then you can help me. We are the chosen two, we can do this together.”

F: “I am not a slayer anymore Buffy. I don’t want to be a slayer anymore. That is not the life for me. I no longer live for the kill. I no longer want to be the hunter. It just isn’t in me anymore. Don’t ask me to go back to that life.”

B: “So instead you are asking me to sit by while you die?”

F: “If all of you work together, you can bring me back. I don’t have to die forever, just a few minutes.”

B: “There is no guarantee that you will come back Faith.”

F: “And there are no guarantees that you will come back every night from patrol.”

B: “But I don’t go out there looking to die Faith. You are knowingly asking to die, to be killed.”

F: “Buffy, for us to have the life that we want, the life that we talked about, we have to be free of the slaying.”

B: “I just don’t know that this is the best thing for us.”

F: “I think that this is the only opportunity that we have Buffy. I want a life with you, I want to spend the rest of my life you, but I want to know that you will be alive to spend it with me.”

B: “I am not going to die Faith.”

F: “You can’t promise me that Buffy.”

B: “I couldn’t promise you that even if I wasn’t a slayer.”

F: “But at least I would know that you weren’t out there every night being hunted.”

B: “So what do we do?”

F: “You have to see this Buffy. How do you plan on us having kids together? What am I supposed to tell them the night you don’t come home?”

B: “I don’t know Faith. I don’t know what to do here. If you die and we can’t bring you back then we don’t get to have kids together, we don’t get to live our lives together. If you die, we lose everything.”

F: “And we run the same risk if I don’t do this Buffy.”

B: “I don’t like this Faith. I just want something to be easy for us. Why can’t this be easy? Where is the magical cure for this?”

F: “Life isn’t easy Buffy, you know that better than anyone. And sometimes there just isn’t a spell for everything.”

She starts to break down and the tears begin to fall.

B: “I can’t lose you Faith. I won’t lose you.”

F: “We need to take this chance Buffy.”

She gets out of the chair that she is sitting on and makes her way over to the couch where I am sitting and sits on my lap.

B: “What kind of choice is this for us to make?”

F: “Not a good one, baby, not a good one.”

She leans her head down and kisses me softly.

F: “We should go to bed.”

We go into our bedroom and lay down together. We just hold each other as tight as possible and lay awake. When morning comes, we follow the same routine of showering and getting dressed. Our flight leaves later that afternoon. The mood is somber for our last day there. Petra decides that we need a change of atmosphere and takes us to her gallery. It is absolutely amazing. Petra is a great woman and she complements Giles so well. After the gallery, she takes us to lunch, and then we go back to their house. Giles is waiting for us. We finish packing up our things and say our goodbyes to Petra. We talk with Giles on the way to the airport.

G: “I know that the both of you are still deciding what it is that you are wanting to do, but if you need me, let me know. I will be more than willing to come to California and help in any way possible.”

F: “We would like you to come to Sunnydale Giles. When do you think you could come?”

G: “I could be there in a couple of weeks. Are you sure this is what you both want?”

B: “Yes, it is.”

G: “Very well. I will make arrangements today.”

F: “Thank you Giles.”

B: “Giles, can you give this to Terrence for me? It is my resignation letter.”

G: “Of course Buffy. I will drop it off tomorrow. Are you planning to tell the others?”

F: “Yes, we thought maybe they could help, if you want them to.”

G: “Yes, I would like their help.”

B: “We are planning to tell them in the next couple of days. I will call you and let you know. I guess we have a lot of research to do.”

G: “Yes, I would say so.”

Silence falls over us for the remainder of the ride to the airport. The decision we have made sitting heavy in the air. We say our goodbyes at the curb and as I take our bags up to the counter, Buffy walks back to give Giles one last hug goodbye.

POV Buffy

It is a long plane ride back to California. I hold Faith as close as possible in the confined space of the plane. I don’t want to let her go. We talk about mundane every day things on the flight. Boxes of Faith’s stuff await us at home that need unpacking, we have work to get back to, phone calls to make, plans to arrange. It amazes me that we can talk about such things when something so great looms over us.

The following days pass by too quickly. The seconds, minutes, and hours seem to fly by. I want to hold each passing moment. I want time to stand still. I want to tell Faith not to go to work, that we have more important things to be doing, but I don’t. Every time she walks out the door for the long drive to the shop, I let the tears fall. I have tried not to let her see me cry, I know that this decision is hard enough on her, on us, without her feeling any more pain or guilt from me. When she is around me, she puts up a strong front. She projects nothing but the utmost confidence in our decision.

We called everyone and let them know of what was going to happen. Willow and Giles have been working together on all of the details. I asked Giles if Faith and I could help, but he felt that we needed to spend our time on other things. Willow, Giles and Dawn are coming in tomorrow and they are going to stay with Xander. We asked them to say with us, but they wanted us to have time alone. That will leave us just a couple of days before the big day, if you can call it that. Faith has taken an indefinite leave of absence from the shop. She didn’t explain the reason for leaving and Susannah seemed to sense that something was happening that Faith couldn’t talk about.

We all have dinner together the following night. We go over the details of what will happen. Xander snuck into the Sunnydale hospital with Willow to gather the supplies that we were going to need, as we will be doing this here at our house. We spend the rest of the night just talking, catching up on each other’s lives and remembering the goods times. We laugh, but underneath the laughter we are all too aware of the gravity of the situation. We say our goodnights, and plan to meet back here the day after tomorrow. Faith and I will have one last day and night to alone. Before leaving Giles hands me two envelopes given to him from the council. I don’t open them, I just lay them on the table by the door.

Faith and I spend the night as we have every night since we returned from England, staying awake until exhaustion forces us into sleep. We talk some, but mostly we just sit in front of the television holding each other. We used to talk about the future, plan the days ahead, but we don’t do that anymore. Neither one of us want to mention the future, it is the unknown.

When we wake in the morning, we fix breakfast together, but neither one of really feels much like eating. Instead we take our coffee and sit on the porch wrapped in each other. The day passes much too quickly, although we don’t even ever leave the house. I call in and check on the store, but other than that we spend the day quietly together. After picking at our dinners, we head to the couch and turn on the television. We watch, but our minds are elsewhere.

B: “Faith, I don’t think that I can do this.”

F: “Buffy, please, we have been through this a million times. We can’t change our minds now. Just know that we are making the right decision.”

I turn on the couch and face her, tangling my legs with hers.

B: “Are we, making the right decision? I just can’t tell anymore.”

F: “We are making the only decision we can, baby.”

She leans her head down towards mine and places a light kiss on my lips. As she starts to pull back I place my hand on her neck and pull her back in for a more passionate kiss.

B: “I need you now Faith. I need to be inside of you and I need you to be inside of me. Please Faith, be with me.”

With that she takes my hand and we walk back to the bedroom. I turn on the lights and lay down on the bed. She reaches to turn the lights off.

B: “No Faith, don’t turn off the lights. I don’t want us to be in the dark tonight. I want to see you, all of you.”

She senses my need and walks over to the bed and climbs on top of me. We make love, hard passionate love full of need and fear. It is rough and all consuming. Then everything slows down and we spend the rest of the night just memorizing each other. Feeling every inch of each other’s skin, taking in each sound that we make. Kissing every available space, noting the taste of each other, and holding each other so tightly that we become one.

Sleep never comes and the morning soon arrives and we both know that the others will be there soon. Faith gets up to turn off the no longer needed lights and she gets a box out from her bag.

F: “I got this for you. Open it.”

I do as I am told and the little box holds a diamond eternity band.

B: “Faith.”

F: “Take this ring as a promise that when I wake up we will make this relationship of ours official.”

I see the tears form in her eyes and I can’t stop them from doing the same in mine.

B: “Just promise me, Faith, that you will come back to me.”

F: “I promise Buffy, I will come back. The dream of us together, of the family that we will one day have, this is my dream. I have to do this alone, though, Buffy. You won’t be able to help me. I don’t know what the other side has in store for me, if there even is another side. Hopefully I will only be gone a few minutes, but if I’m not, know that I’m chasing this dream, and that I will chase it all the way back to you.”

She takes the ring out of the box and places it on my finger. The tears only fall harder from my eyes.

F: “I love you Buffy.”

B: “And I love you.”

When Faith goes in to take her shower I walk into the guest room. This is the room where it will all happen, where we will in essence kill Faith. I look at the machines that will monitor her heart and her breathing. I touch the little bottles with my hands, the bottles filled with the drugs that will slow Faith’s heart until it no longer beats. I sit on the bed where Faith will take her last breath. Panic consumes me and I feel the walls closing in. I can no longer breathe. I struggle to stand and stagger from the room and down the hall into the bathroom where I can hear Faith in the shower. I push open the door and the shower curtain.

F: “Buffy, are you ok? What is wrong? You need to breathe.”

She steps out of the shower and pulls me close to her.

F: “Baby, talk to me. Breathe, Buffy, breathe.”

I take a shallow breath.

B: “Faith, you can’t do this. I won’t let you do this.”

F: “Buffy, baby.”

She holds me, running her hands through my hair and along my back, soothing me. We sit for a few moments, only the sound of the shower continuing to run filling the air. She is soaking wet and I, too, become soaking wet. When I calm a bit and get my breath back, she leans back and shuts off the shower, silence immediately filling the room, and she returns to holding me tightly to her.

B: “I can’t do this Faith. I can’t risk losing you. I want to spend our lives together. I want a bunch of kids running around who look just like you.”

She smiles at me and loosens her grip enough so that she can face me.

F: “Everything is going to be ok, Buffy, although I would prefer our kids look like you.”

B: “Faith, I am not kidding, we can’t do this. We have time, let’s just call this off.”

F: “I won’t do that Buffy. In order for us to have a life together, we have to do this. It is just a detour, baby, not an end.”

B: “What if you don’t wake up Faith, what if we can’t bring you back?”

F: “I know that you will bring me back. You just have to know that too.”

I slump over and I know that I cannot stop the tears. She lets me sit there for a few moments before cupping my face in her hands. She exudes nothing but the utmost confidence.

F: “It is going to be ok. We need to finish getting ready, the others will be here soon.”

And with those words she lifts me off of the floor and grabs a towel for each of us. We finish getting ready in silence, but my tears continue to fall.

POV Faith

I notice the tears that continue to fall from Buffy’s eyes, but I know that nothing I say or do will be able to soothe her. Every chance I get I touch her, just letting her know that I am here with her and that I love her. We finish getting ready and go back into the bedroom and lay down together. I just hold her as the tears fall onto my neck and chest. I have tried to put up a confident front, but inside I am terrified. I concentrate on the future that Buffy and I will have, and it gives me the strength that I need to keep going. The doorbell rings intruding on the silence. The time has come. We let in Willow, Giles, Dawn, and Xander. Willow and Dawn notice Buffy’s face immediately and go to try and comfort her. I am ready to get going, so the small talk is kept to a minimum.

G: “How are you doing Faith?”

F: “I’m good, ready to get started.”

X: “Are you guys still sure about this? It’s not too late to change your mind.”

F: “No we are sure, but I am afraid the longer we wait the more hysterical Buffy is going to get.”

G: “I guess then we should get it started.”

As Xander, Giles and I start heading back to the guest room, Willow sees us and leaves Dawn with Buffy to follow us. We are all silent as I lay down on the bed and they begin hooking me up to the machines. I can still hear Buffy crying quietly in the living room.

F: “Thank you all for your help with this. Please know that if it doesn’t work, that it is ok.”

W: “Faith.”

F: “I am just saying, you know, so you guys don’t need to feel guilty or anything.”

G: “Let’s just stay positive.”

F: “Listen, Buffy may try to stop this at some point. Don’t. This is what I want. You must remember that. I know that she will mean well, but this is my decision now.”

X: “Ok.”

Once we are already, Buffy comes in and everyone leaves the room to give us a few moments together. She sits next to me on the bed holding my hands tightly in hers.

B: “Please Faith.”

F: “Buffy, let’s not do this. Just know that I love you.”

B: “I love you too.”

F: “Good. Now just make sure that you are here when I return, ok?”

B: “I am not going to leave you, Faith, not now, not ever.”

She leans over and kisses me. The tears fall from her cheeks onto my face. I look at her and hold her face in my hands, wipe the tears away, and smile at her.

F: “Now let everyone else in, and let’s get this over with.”

B: “Ok.”

Buffy leaves to get everyone. I take a deep breath to calm my nerves. Soon everyone comes back into the room.

G: “So are we ready?”

F: “Yes.”

B: “Yes.”

Buffy sits in the chair next to the bed and wraps my arm in hers, interlocking her fingers with mine. I smile at her and she smiles a sad and teary smile back. Giles injects the drugs into the vein in my other arm and we wait the few moments it will take for them to go into effect. Everything begins to slow down around me. I look at all the faces looking at me, and my gaze focuses on Buffy’s face. I can hear the machines working around me. The heart monitor registering my slowing beat. My body is getting heavy and I am suddenly wracked with fatigue. My focus blurs and I struggle to maintain consciousness. Giles has walked me through what will happen a million times, but I could never imagine what it would feel like. I try to stay awake, but my eyes are getting too heavy. I close them for a moment and I am unable to open them. I can hear the heart monitor as it continues to slow. And then I can’t hear anything. Everything falls silent and I take in one last breath.

POV Buffy

I hold her arm entwined with mine and the tears fall from my eyes. Her heart is barely registering a beat on the monitor. She is struggling to stay awake and her eyes close. She takes in one last breath. I watch as the machine flat lines. Giles looks down at his watch.

G: “Time starts now.”

While Giles focuses on his watch, Willow prepares the next injection that will hopefully bring Faith back to us. Xander comes over to me.

X: “Buffy I am going to have to stand there and I need to move the chair.”

I reluctantly stand up and kiss her hand before stepping back. Dawn wraps her arms around me and I watch Xander move the chair and take his position next to Faith. I focus my eyes on her. She is so calm and she looks so peaceful. Faith is dead. I swear I can hear the seconds tick by on Giles’ watch. It seems like an eternity is passing. We have two minutes to wait. Two minutes that will separate her death from her life. We all stand in silence and the seconds continue to tick by.

G: “Twenty seconds. Willow are you ready?”

W: “Ready.”

G: “Xander are you ready?”

X: “Ready.”

G: “Three, two, one. Let’s go, now.”

Willow injects the drugs into Faith’s vein. We wait. Nothing happens.

G: “Xander.”

Xander starts CPR and Willow bags her, forcing oxygen into her lungs. Nothing. Dawn holds me close and whispers to me that everything is going to be ok. I just nod my head and the tears continue to fall.

Xander and Willow continue their synchronized movements. I watch the heart monitor. Nothing. Xander’s arms start shaking and beads of sweat form on his brow.

X: “Giles I need you take over.”

Giles and Xander coordinate their movements so that Giles seamlessly takes over for him.

G: “Willow are you ok?”

W: “Yeah.”

And I notice Willow’s eyes and the tears that are threatening to fall. I look at Xander and notice that he is wiping his eyes. I hear Dawn take a trembling breath.

They are both working so hard and nothing is happening. I have never felt so helpless.

G: “Faith, you have got to fight it Faith. Come back to us Faith, come back to us.”

Giles pushes harder on her chest, pleading with her to come back. Perspiration glistens on his forehead.

Without warning, the heart monitor comes alive. It starts slow, and irregular and then the beats become stronger. My heart leaps in my chest. Willow and Giles pull back from Faith and let her body take over. She is breathing on her own, which is a good sign. She doesn’t open her eyes though.

We all stand looking at Faith, watching the monitors. Giles hooks up an oxygen tube to her nose so that she is taking in almost pure oxygen and her body won’t have to work so hard. We soon tire of standing and Xander brings in chairs for us all to sit on. I sit next to her interlocking my fingers with hers. The day turns into afternoon, which soon turns into evening.

G: “She is doing well Buffy.”

B: “She’s in coma.”

G: “Yes, but she is alive. We knew that in all likelihood she would go into a brief coma. Her body has been through a traumatic event and it is trying to recover. She is strong Buffy, she will wake up; it just might take some time.”

B: “Maybe we should take her to the hospital.”

G: “I think they might have too many questions for us.”

B: “It’s Sunnydale Giles, we’ll just tell them that we found her like this. They won’t ask any questions.”

G: “I think that she would be better here Buffy, in familiar surroundings. I promise, if her condition worsens, we will take her in.”

B: “Ok.”

G: “We should go get something to eat.”

B: “You guys go ahead. I just want to stay here.”

They all walk over to me and hug me just to let me know that they are there for me, for us. I know that any moment she is going to wake up, so I don’t leave her side.

The hours pass and it is soon the next morning. Everyone is in various stages of sleep in the room with Faith and me. A cell phone rings out and everyone looks around. Giles realizes that it is his and steps out into the hallway. He is gone only a few minutes before stepping back in the room.

G: “That was Terrence. He said that the next slayer has been called. He offers his condolences. I haven’t told him what we have done.”

I lift my head off of the bed where I had been resting next to Faith and face her. I run my fingers through her hair.

B: “Do you hear that baby? It worked, you can come back to us now.”

The hours continue to pass into days and Faith still lays asleep to the world. Willow and Dawn had to leave to get back to their families, their lives. They both call each day for updates. Xander started back to work, but still comes over every day. And no matter how many times I told him he needed to go back home, Giles stays with me. He has helped me more than I could have ever asked for. He’s taken over looking after the store for me, making sure that I eat something everyday, and just taking care of me. I concentrate solely on taking care of Faith. Each day I bathe her, change her and the bed and we do exercises to make sure her muscles stay strong. Giles hooked up a feeding tube for her, so in addition to her regular IV’s, twice each day I watch her liquid meals drain into her. Several times a day, Giles and I turn her over a quarter each time so that she doesn’t develop sores from staying on one side too long. It is so hard to watch her be this person. This person so far removed from the vibrant being I know. I try not to dwell on it, concentrating instead on the day when she will wake up.

I go into the bathroom, leaving her side for the only few moments I allow myself. I take off the ring that she gave me and wash my face. I reach down and pick up the ring, remembering the morning that she gave it to me. I notice an inscription on the inside for the first time.

For always, Faith.

I thought that I had shed all of the tears that were possible, but reading this brings fresh tears to my eyes and I sink to the floor sobbing. I finally calm myself down and leave the bathroom picking up the phone on my way down the hall. I make one call and then I call Xander asking him to run an errand for me. He agrees and I place the ring back on my finger.

POV Buffy

Words and music by Tim O’Brien and Danny O’Keefe- “When You Come Back Down”

I awake before dawn after another night of restless sleep on the cot that we have set up for me next to Faith’s bed. I sit up and just hold her hands in mine. I watch the sun’s rays peek over the horizon through the window.

B: “I miss you so much, baby.”

There is a knock on the door and I get up to open it.

G: “Good morning Buffy.”

B: “Hi Giles.”

G: “I’ve brought coffee and scones.”

B: “Thank you.”

He comes in the room and sets our breakfast on the table.

B: “I need to change her sheets. Do you mind helping me?”

G: “Of course Buffy.”

He goes up to Faith and lifts her in his arms and off of the bed, mindful of all of tubes. He is so gentle with her. I can tell that he has grown to love her as he does me. He cradles her while I quickly pull the sheets off of the bed and put on clean ones. He lays her down on the bed again and lets me change her before he arranges the tubes back around her.

B: “Thank you.”

We sit down and drink our coffee and he eats his scone while I pick at mine. We talk briefly about the store. He knows, though, that I am not thinking too clearly about such things.

G: “Is there anything else I can help with before I go in?”

B: “Do you mind sitting with her while I go shower?”

G: “Not at all.”

I leave the room and go take a shower. I stand letting the hot water wash over me. When I finish getting dressed I hear Giles’ voice coming from Faith’s room. I listen at the door as he talks to her.

G: “You needn’t worry about Buffy, she is doing well Faith. We are all looking after her for you. She misses you terribly; we all miss you. You take care of yourself Faith. I know you will come back to us soon.”

I knock softly on the door before I enter. He clears his throat and looks up at me.

B: “Thank you so much Giles, for everything.”

G: “Buffy, you don’t have to thank me. There isn’t anywhere that I would rather be.”

B: “Thank you anyway.”

G: “You’re welcome. I guess I’ll be heading to the store then. Call me if you need anything.”

B: “Ok.”

He gets up and gives me a hug and a kiss on the forehead before he leaves. I walk over to her and run my fingers through her hair.

B: “I guess it is just you and me baby.”

I kiss her on her forehead; she looks so small. I sit on the bed with her, wrapping my arms around her, careful of all of the tubes, just wanting to hold her for a few moments.

	You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
	You got to chase a dream, one that’s all your own
	Before it slips away
	When you’re flying high, take my heart along
	I’ll be the harmony to every lonely song
	That you learn to play

I get up and start her daily exercises. Running my hands along her arms, legs, where the muscles used to be so strong. I take care as I move each limb, trying to maintain her circulation and some muscle definition, hopefully without causing her any pain. I talk to her, telling her with each movement what I am doing and why.

	When you’re soaring through the air
	I’ll be your solid ground
	Take every chance you dare
	I’ll still be there when you come back down
	When you come back down

When her exercises are finished, I hook the food bag up to her. I watch as the bag empties into her frail body, providing her with much needed nourishment.

	I’ll keep looking up, awaiting your return
	My greatest fear is that you will crash and burn 
	And I won’t feel your fire
	I’ll be the other hand that always holds the line
	Connecting in between your sweet heart and mine
	I’m strung out on that wire

After I unhook the now empty bag, I pick up the latest book that we are reading, finding my place with the bookmark and I begin to read out loud to her. Throughout the reading, I take calls from Giles, Willow, Dani, Dawn, and Xander. All of their calls are to check on how we are doing. I tell her about each one, letting her know that all of these people care about her and can’t wait for her to come back.

	I’ll be on the other end
	To hear you when you call
	Angel, you were born to fly
	If you get too high, I’ll catch you when you fall
	I’ll catch you when you fall

With much progress made in the book, we take a break and I pull out the photo album. I sit next to her on the bed and I open the book. I go through every picture, telling her what it is a picture of and when it was taken. The pictures are reminders of our life before, of the life I want us to return to. I show her some new pictures that Willow and Dani have sent to us of Gracie and little Alex.

	Your memory’s the sunshine every new day brings
	I know the sky is calling
	Angel, let me help you get your wings

I close the album and lay it on the table next to us. I wrap my arms around her, just taking her in.

	Take every chance you dare
	I’ll still be there when you come back down
	When you come back down

I hear the front door open and know that Giles is back. He comes into the room to check on us and stays with her as I go to collect myself. The days are long and they have taken their toll on me. There are so many days when I just want to shake her and yell at her to wake up. Other days, I find myself begging and pleading with her to wake up. And on the worst days, I tell her that if she is happier where she is then she should let go, that I won’t be angry or sad, that I will know that she is in a better place, that I will let her go.

When I come back into the room, Giles has hooked up the food bag so that Faith can eat. He has also set out dinner for the both of us. We talk while we eat. He tells me about his day and I tell him about mine. Xander comes by and joins our conversation, as I take down the empty bag. Xander walks to the other side of Faith and takes her hand in his. He sits there while we talk absently stroking her hand with his fingers.

After a couple of hours, Xander gets up to leave. He hugs me goodbye and tells me he’ll be back tomorrow. Giles sits with Faith as I get ready for bed and then he helps me get her ready for bed. We say our goodnights and he leaves, closing the door behind him. I turn off the lights and softly kiss Faith on the lips. I reach into the drawer of the table next to her bed and pull out a small box. I take the ring from the box, a platinum diamond eternity band identical to the one that she gave me. I have been holding onto this for weeks now, since Xander picked it up from the jewelers for me, waiting for her to wake up before I gave it to her. I finally decided today to go ahead and give it to her now. I gently place the ring on her finger and kiss her hand.

B: “I love you, baby.”

I lay down on the cot still holding her hand in mine and I wait for sleep to come.

POV Faith

I finally give up on finding my way out of this place and decide just to sit down. I have no idea how long I have been wandering around here. It seems like it should be days, but the sun never rises or sets, it is just perpetual daytime. I have tried to make my way out of here, but each path I take leads me back to here, so I guess this is where I am supposed to be. I take in my surroundings. I sit next to a pond in what seems like a forest. It is beautiful here, I could think of worse places to be stranded. I kick off my shoes and dip my feet in the clear blue pond. I think time is passing, but I can’t be sure.

FM: “Faith?”

I hear my name called but I don’t see who is calling it.

FM: “My little firecracker.”

A chill runs up my spine, and she appears out of the forest. I quickly stand up to face her.

F: “Mom.”

I thought that I had forgotten what she looked liked, but seeing her again brings back all of the memories. It is like time has frozen for her. She was only twenty-seven when she died, but she always looked ten or so years older from all of the drinking. She looks good, I guess. Her eyes are clear, as are her words, two things that never happened when she was alive.

FM: “Hi Faith. How are you?”

She walks up to me, but my body language forces her to stop and leave about five feet between us.

F: “Well, I was thinking that I was just lost, but seeing you makes me think that I’m dead.”

Seeing her makes my skin crawl. The pain of all the beatings I suffered from those hands of hers cause my body to shudder.

FM: “You’re not dead, just in a sort of limbo. Do remember what happened to you?”

F: “I remember being injected, and everyone watching me, and then I guess I lost consciousness. So am I dreaming?”

FM: “No, this isn’t a dream. We are just being given time.”

F: “How long have I been here?”

FM: “Just one day, but time passes differently here.”

F: “So I am still alive?”

FM: “You are. You are lying unconscious in the same bed, in your house.”

F: “How much time has passed there?”

FM: “About six weeks.”

F: “Six weeks? I have to get back there. Tell me how I can get back there.”

FM: “It isn’t time for you to go back there just yet.”

F: “You can’t keep me here. If you aren’t willing to help me, then I will find my own way back.”

FM: “I don’t know how to help you get back. I only know that I have been given a chance to come here and see you and try to make things better.”

F: “Look, we don’t have anything to make better. I have put everything in the past, we don’t need to dredge it up again.”

FM: “You might have been able to bury it deep inside of you, but you never dealt with it, with me.”

F: “Hey, you weren’t there for me to be able to deal with. I think that I have done a pretty damn good job given my circumstances.”

FM: “I am not saying that you haven’t done an amazing job, I am just saying that we have been given a chance to heal everything that went so wrong.”

F: “I have dealt. I’m over it. It seems like you are the one who wants this.”

She tries to take a step closer to me, but I back up and she stops moving.

FM: “I do want this, but I wouldn’t be here if some part of you didn’t call me here.”

F: “I don’t believe you.”

FM: “I know you don’t, but I don’t know what else to tell you. That is the truth.”

F: “Well, I don’t have anything to say, and I really don’t want to listen to anything you might have to say.”

FM: “I can’t force you to talk to me, or even to just listen to me.”

F: “No you can’t.”

We stand in silence, and I move to sit down. I put my feet back in the water. She sits down too, careful to leave the same distance between us. Time continues to pass and I think about Buffy. I miss her so much that my heart aches. I have been gone for six weeks. I hope that she hasn’t changed her mind about me, about us; I hope that she hasn’t given up on my return. It seems that the only chance I have of getting back is sitting to my right. I let out a weary sigh.

F: “You know, I still remember all of those nights that daddy would be the beat the shit out of me and you just stood by and watched. I was a little girl mom. I needed to you to protect me. When he left, I thought that things would be good, that we would be ok, but you just took over right where he left off.”

FM: “I know.”

F: “How could you do that to me?”

FM: “I don’t know. I was so young when I had you Faith.”

F: “So what, that is your excuse? You treated me like shit because you were young?”

FM: “No, there is no excuse for how I treated you, how I let your father treat you.”

F: “And then you up and fucking died on me. You left me all alone. I had no one. No one wanted me, not daddy, not my grandparents, no one.”

FM: “I know.”

F: “I am glad you know all of this. It seems strange that for someone who wants to heal the wounds, you have shit to say.”

FM: “The only thing I can say I’m sure you don’t want to hear.”

F: “Don’t make judgments like that for me.”

FM: “Faith, I am sorry, for everything I have done and everything I never did.”

F: “You should be sorry. I don’t know what you want me to do with that though.”

FM: “I want your forgiveness Faith.”

I think back to all of the second chances that I have been given with Xander, with Giles, with Willow and with Buffy. I am a murderer and I tried to kill each one of them and they had found it within themselves to forgive me, to accept me, to befriend me. Yet, sitting with my mother I could only think of the bruised and battered little girl with blood running down her face, and the angry fists that kept coming no matter how much I begged for her to stop. I find no solace in her tears, in her obvious remorse.

F: “I can’t give you that.”

FM: “I know that I am asking for a lot.”

F: “Yes you are. You asking for more than I am capable of.”

We once again sit in silence.

FM: “Can you tell me about yourself, about your life?”

F: “What do you want to know?”

FM: “Tell me about the person who gave you that ring.”

F: “What?”

I look down at my hands and there is a ring on my finger. I don’t even remember seeing it before my mom pointed it out. It is the same ring that I gave to Buffy. Did she give it back to me? I take it off of my finger and read the inscription inside.

And evermore, Buffy.

I can’t help but smile at this, even though I am confused by its sudden appearance. I feel relief that it isn’t Buffy’s ring. I slide the ring back on my finger. Buffy is waiting for me.

FM: “Obviously whoever gave you the ring is important to you.”

F: “She is everything to me.”

FM: “Tell me about her.”

F: “I thought you already knew everything about my life. That you had been filled in.”

FM: “I want to hear about it from you.”

Her eyes are pleading with me and I decide to open myself up to her.

F: “Well, there is a long history to be told.”

FM: “I want to hear everything about you, all about your life. Start from the beginning, after I died.”

F: “That is one long story you are asking for.”

FM: “We have time.”

So I tell her everything. The foster homes I was placed in, running away, becoming a slayer, the death of my watcher and meeting Buffy for the first time. I tell her about murdering Finch, helping the mayor, murdering Professor Worth and my long years spent in prison. I talk about my wake up call in prison, my parole, Susannah and the flower shop, and meeting Buffy for the second time. I tell her about our relationship, how it fell apart, Susannah’s illness, and how Buffy and I were able to work it out. Then I tell her about the decision that we made which led to my death and ending up here. I leave nothing out and she listens intently. She seems grateful for the chance to get to know me.

FM: “You are one courageous girl, you know that.”

F: “I think it has more to do with self preservation than courage.”

FM: “I can’t think of too many people who would have risen above all of their adversities as you have.”

I am not sure how to respond.

F: “Yeah, well.”

FM: “I am sorry that I wasn’t there for you.”

F: “I spent a lot of years wondering what my life would have been like if you had just been there, but I have to say, knowing where I am now, that I wouldn’t change a thing. I am who I am because of all that I have been through.”

FM: “And you are quite a remarkable woman, Faith.”

Being the sole focus of attention has started to make me feel incredibly self-aware, so I decide to deflect the attention onto her.

F: “So, now that you have heard my story, maybe you could share yours with me.”

FM: “What do you want to hear?”

F: “I want to know what your life was like, before me, after me, the whole deal.”

FM: “I can do that.”

So she tells me about her parents, my grandparents. She was an only child and her parents were in a loveless marriage, but unwilling to get divorced. She talks about the silence that hovered over the house. She was a good kid until she reached her teenage years and she found her rebellious streak. She met my father, who was also an only child who had gotten kicked out of his house for his own rebellious tendencies. He lived on his own and worked at the gas station fixing cars. She fell for him hard and fast. She became pregnant within a few months of their meeting and when she told her parents they kicked her out of the house. She quit high school and moved in with my father, but they were unprepared for the demands of a child. He couldn’t take it and turned to drinking and lashing out the people he felt were holding him back from the life he should have had. He stuck around for the first five years and one day he said that he was going out to look for a job and never came back. She took out all of her rage on the one constant reminder of him, me. The bottle became her only comfort and she wanted only to die. She got her wish when she was only twenty-seven.

The tears are streaming down both of our faces.

FM: “I regret that more than anything. I wish that I had your courage to stand up and see this amazing little girl who only wanted to be loved and pull my life together. It should have been the two of us against the world, baby girl.”

She is still sitting feet away from me, but I reach out my hand and she takes it in her own. Silence falls over us.

FM: “Buffy sounds like a great woman.”

F: “She is. No words can do justice for how I feel about her.”

FM: “She is waiting for you now.”

F: “What?”

FM: “Just beyond the trees behind you.”

F: “What do you mean?”

FM: “She has sought you out, it is not quite time for you to go back, but you should go to her.”

F: “Will you wait here?”

FM: “I’ll be here.”

I squeeze her hand, put my shoes back on and walk to the clearing beyond the trees.

POV Buffy

The dream is the same one that I have been having for weeks. I am trying to find Faith, but she hasn’t come to me. I travel to all of the places where I feel the strongest connection to her. I go to the flower shop, to the coffee house, to the back porch of her old house, to the bluff overlooking Sunnydale, and I always end up on the back porch of my house, of our house.

I feel her before I even see her and I turn around.

B: “Faith.”

F: “Hey you.”

I stand up and take her in my arms.

B: “I have been looking for you.”

F: “I heard.”

B: “What?”

F: “Long story, I will tell you about it when I get back.”

B: “So you are coming back?”

I can’t stop the tears from falling, it feels so good to hear her voice, to see her alive again.

F: “Of course I will be back baby.”

B: “When? Now?”

F: “Not now. I am not sure when. I am taking care of some unfinished business.”

B: “Tell me.”

F: “I will Buffy, just not now.”

I haven’t released her from my grip, I am afraid to let her go.

B: “Ok. Can you sit with me?”

F: “Of course.”

She sits on one of the lounge chairs and I sit in her lap. I place kisses all over her face and then she takes my lips with hers.

B: “I have missed you so much baby.”

F: “I have missed you too.”

She holds me tighter in her arms.

B: “I am so sorry Faith.”

F: “For what?”

B: “For this, for what has happened to you.”

F: “Everything is ok B, our planned worked.”

B: “I wasn’t expecting this.”

F: “It is just a little detour, that’s all.”

B: “You haven’t seen yourself yet.”

F: “Am I all scary looking?”

B: “You have lost a lot of weight, and muscle.”

F: “But I am alive, right?”

B: “Yes.”

F: “Then it has been successful. We can deal with everything else.”

B: “I love you.”

F: “And I love you too. Thank you for the ring, by the way.”

B: “Do you like it?”

F: “I do.”

B: “Did you read the inscription?”

F: “That’s my favorite part.”

B: “Marry me?”

F: “That’s the plan.”

B: “Faith.”

F: “I’m sorry was that too unromantic?”

B: “A little.”

F: “I thought that I had already asked you to marry me?”

B: “You did, and I accepted, but now it is my turn, so?”

She unwraps her arms from around me and takes my hands in hers.

F: “Yes, Buffy, I will marry you and you will be stuck with me for the rest of you life. Are you sure you want that?”

B: “More than anything in the world.”

F: “Then you got it.”

B: “So come back already.”

F: “Soon, baby, soon.”

She comforts me with a kiss and we sit for a few more moments.

F: “You’ll be waking up soon.”

B: “I don’t want to. I want to stay here.”

F: “We can’t move forward if we stay here.”

B: “Why do you have to be so realistic? This is supposed to be a dream.”

F: “Because I want to start the rest of my life with you already.”

B: “So come back to me.”

F: “I will, soon love, soon.”

B: “I love you.”

She gives me a kiss, gentle and deep.

F: “It’s time for you to wake up.”

I wake and sit up immediately, hoping to find Faith awake. Nothing has changed, though. I look at her sleeping face bathed in the light of the rising sun. She looks nothing like the woman in my dream. Sadness overcomes me, I don’t think that I warned her enough of her current state. She is so thin and frail and her cheeks are sunken in. Dark black circles now encompassing her eyes. I can’t help but feel like I have let her down.

POV Faith

I make my way back through the clearing feeling a weight lifted from me after seeing Buffy. I look for my mom and she is still sitting where I left her by the pond. She stands up to meet me.

F: “You stayed.”

FM: “I told you I would.”

F: “People say a lot of things.”

FM: “How was your visit?”

F: “Good. I needed to see her face.”

FM: “How is she?”

F: “She looks tired and thin. I’m sure that she isn’t eating or getting much sleep.”

I sit back down beside the pond, kicking my shoes off once again and putting my feet in the cool water. She comes and sits down next to me, and I don’t move away.

F: “She asked me to marry her.”

FM: “Did she? What was your response?”

F: “Well, I had already asked her to marry me before all of this and she accepted, but she said that she wanted to ask me. Needless to say, I said yes.”

FM: “You don’t seem ecstatic about this, you seem a bit conflicted.”

F: “Of course I’m happy, I just, I don’t know.”

FM: “Talk to me Faith, I might not be able to give you great advice, but I can listen.”

F: “It’s just, I don’t know. I wonder if I will be able to make her happy. She has given up so much for us to be together, you know.”

FM: “You mean her resigning from the council.”

F: “She is a slayer, more than I ever was. She lived and breathed slaying; her whole life was built around it, dedicated to it. What happens when she no longer has that? When it is just she and I?”

FM: “Did she ever express to you any hesitation with her decision?”

F: “No, not really.”

FM: “I think that you are going to have to trust her.”

F: “I do trust her.”

FM: “You don’t trust the decisions that she has made?”

F: “I just don’t know if I am worth everything that she has given up.”

FM: “She seems to think that you are. I have to agree with her.”

F: “You have to say that.”

FM: “Believe me, when it comes to bluntness you definitely inherited it from me. If I didn’t believe that whole heartedly, I wouldn’t have said it.”

F: “I still worry.”

FM: “You are wasting your time with worry, worry is not a proactive state. Have you talked to her about how you feel?”

F: “I haven’t really had the chance.”

FM: “You need to.”

F: “I will, thank you.”

FM: “What else?”

F: “What do you mean?”

FM: “Something else is bothering you.”

F: “There might be something else, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

FM: “Please, hurt away.”

F: “It’s just that Buffy and I have talked about having kids, you know, should the opportunity present itself and I just don’t know. I mean Buffy will make an amazing mother, but I don’t know about me. I haven’t really had any role models in that area.”

FM: “No you definitely have not.”

F: “So I worry, you know, how will I be, am I capable of raising a child?”

FM: “I think that you are more than capable. It isn’t going to be easy, but you have been shown throughout your life what type of parent not to be. When the time comes, you will know the type of parent you want to be.”

F: “But how?”

FM: “The same way that you knew that you could love Buffy and build a relationship with her. Do you know how you knew?”

F: “I guess I just followed my heart.”

FM: “And that is the key to everything. You have an amazing heart Faith. I think that you feel a need to hide it and protect it, and very few people get to see it, but it is there. Just follow it and you will make a great wife and an unbelievable mother.”

She places her arm around me carefully and I turn to look at her and then I hug her.

F: “Thank you mom.”

FM: “Thank you Faith.”

F: “I feel so tired all of the sudden.”

FM: “Maybe you should lay down for a bit.”

F: “Maybe I should.”

She holds my face in her hands.

FM: “I love you Faith.”

F: “I love you too. I am glad that you came here and for whatever it means to you, I do forgive you.”

FM: “It means everything to me. Now, get some rest baby, even little firecrackers need their sleep.”

I smile at that and hug her again. I lie back on the grass and close my eyes. I can feel her fingers running through my hair and I drift off to sleep.

POV Buffy

Two weeks have passed since Faith and I met in my dream. I have not had the same dream again and I didn’t tell anyone about it. I was afraid that they would tell me that it wasn’t real, that it was just wishful thinking. These two weeks were filled with the same routine of the last six and Faith still lays asleep to the world. I turn off the lights and climb onto the cot next to her bed. I take her hand in mine.

B: “I love you baby, just please come back to me.”

I close my eyes and eventually drift off to a restless sleep her hand still in mine. During the night I feel a hand moving in mine and I sit up startled. I look at my hand, the one holding Faith’s, and I watch as her fingers move around mine. It is the first movement she has shown. I gently squeeze her hand, letting her know that I am here. We sit like that for a couple of hours, her hand occasionally moving in mine. I watch her face for any further signs of life. Her eyelids then begin to flutter, like she is in the middle of REM sleep. After about an hour, she opens her eyes briefly. My heart jumps in my chest, but I don’t want to scare her.

B: “Faith, it’s me, Buffy, everything is ok baby. You are ok.”

It is still dark outside, so I turn on a lamp on the other side of the room. It is enough to light the room, without the risk of hurting her eyes. Her eyes flutter open again, and she holds them open a few seconds before closing them again. I see the light start to stream through the window blinds, so I get up again and close them.

B: “Faith, open your eyes, baby, you can do it.”

She opens them again and looks directly at me.

B: “Hi baby, don’t try to talk, just know that I am here, ok. Everything is going to be ok.”

It looks like she nods her head at me and then her eyes close once again. When Giles comes in the morning, I tell him what has happened. We decide to leave the room dark, except for that one light. He sits with me and watches and a couple of hours later, her eyes open again. It is only for a few moments, but he sees it.

B: “What should we do?”

G: “I think that we should stick to her routine, it might offer her some comfort.”

So that is what we do. We change her IV bag, the sheets and her clothes. We do her exercises together and hook up her food bag. Every few hours her eyes open or she moves her hands. We both talk to her throughout the day. Giles fields the daily calls from Willow and Dawn. He also calls Xander to let him know Faith’s current status. Giles said that everyone wanted to come by when they heard that she was waking up. Giles asked all of them, including Xander, to wait to come until Faith becomes stronger before they visit and that we would let them know. When night falls, Giles decides to sleep in the room with me. I lay my head on her bed and take her hand in mine. We keep the light on. I watch her as she sleeps, unable to fall asleep myself. I can hear Giles softly snoring in his chair. It is during the night that I feel her grip my hand tightly, I sit up and watch her face. She opens her eyes again and holds them there, seeming to take in her surroundings. Her eyes look around, and come to rest on my face.

F: “Buffy.”

Her voice is hoarse and barely above a whisper.

B: “Faith, don’t be afraid baby, I’m here. Giles is here too. It might hurt to talk, so don’t feel like you have to.”

She reaches up with her hand and runs her fingers over my face. She touches the tears that I didn’t even know were there.

F: “Buffy.”

B: “Hi baby. I love you. I am going to wake Giles up, I know he wants to see you.”

She nods her head slightly in response.

B: “Giles. Giles, wake up.”

He opens his eyes and reaches for his glasses.

G: “Buffy, is everything all right?”

B: “Faith is awake.”

He quickly gets out of his chair and walks over to the bed. Faith looks up at him and he smiles. He places his hand on one of her legs over the sheets that cover her.

G: “Faith, it is so good to see you.”

She tries to smile in return.

G: “Just take it slow. It is going to take some time for you to regain your strength.”

She nods at him.

We try not to overwhelm her. Giles pulls his chair closer to the bed and he sits back down, but he places his hand back on her leg, it seems as much for his own comfort as for hers. We talk to her for a few minutes, but it becomes obvious that she is tired and wanting to sleep.

B: “Are you tired baby?”

She nods her head.

B: “It’s ok, go back to sleep. We’ll be here when you wake up.”

She takes my left hand in hers, interlocks her fingers with mine and closes her eyes again. A slight panic runs through me, the fear that she won’t open her eyes again. Giles sees the tension overtake my body and places a comforting hand on my shoulder.

G: “She’ll be back Buffy, don’t worry.”

My worries are for naught, as with each passing day she becomes stronger. She stays awake for longer periods of time and she is soon able to sit up on her own and her voice has slowly returned. We start introducing liquids and soft foods into her diet. The tubes come out and we start helping her to walk around the house. We set up a base camp for her in the living room for a change of scenery. Each day we make the journey to the back porch, too, so that she can breathe in fresh air. It is an agonizing process for her. She is used to being so physically strong and it is hard for her when she tires just walking from the bedroom to the living room. She sleeps often during the day. We make calls to Willow, Dawn and Xander. She talks to each of them, thanking them for all that they have done. They are just happy to hear her voice again. At night when it is just the two of us alone, we talk quietly, just holding onto each other, grateful to have each other. After a few weeks, even though she is not back to her full strength, Faith determines that she can’t wait to see everyone any longer. We call and ask everyone down for the next weekend.

We have moved back into our bedroom and it is amazing just being able to hold her in my arms again, without all of the tubes and the sounds of machines monitoring her every breath and each beat of her heart. One night when we are in bed she rolls over and faces me.

F: “Do you remember when I came to you, in your dream?”

I have been waiting for her to bring this up.

B: “Yes, I do.”

F: “And you remember how I told you I was taking care of some business.”

B: “I remember.”

F: “Well, don’t think that I am crazy or anything, but my mom came to see me.”

B: “Are you ok?”

F: “I am now, but when she first came to me, I was not happy. I spent my time walking around this forest and I couldn’t find my way out of it. I finally decided to just sit down by this pond that I kept ending up at and that is where she came to me. I just couldn’t understand why she came to see me after all this time had passed. We sat in silence for a long time, but I realized that I wasn’t going to come back unless I dealt with her. Whatever forces brought us together wanted us to work our issues out. So I started talking. I told her about my life, what all I had done, and I told her about you, and about us. Then she told me about her life, about my dad, and my grandparents.”

I notice that her eyes are full and threatening to spill over. I hold her closer to me.

F: “And she apologized. I don’t think I realized how much I needed that from her.”

The tears force their way out and she cries softly.

B: “So it was good then?”

F: “It was. She looked the same as I remembered her. It was like time had stopped for her when she died. I just missed her so much. I also got to hear her side of things, things that I needed to know. I was able to forgive her Buffy, for how she treated me and for how she left me.”

She starts crying harder.

B: “Oh Faith, I am so proud of you.”

We just hold each other closely and I kiss her face, kissing her tears away.

The next few days are spent preparing for houseguests. We are just expecting Willow and Dawn, but Giles is still here and we have been ignoring the housework for the last couple of months. Faith helps as much as she can, but I don’t let her do much. I would rather her just sit and relax. Everyone is scheduled to arrive early Friday afternoon and we are planning to meet them at the airport. On Thursday morning I wake up early to run a few errands. I kiss Faith goodbye as she sleeps and let Giles know that I am going out for a little while. When I get back from the grocery store, I check in on Faith and she is still asleep. After I put everything away, I make Faith breakfast and take it in to her.

B: “Hey there sleepy, I made you breakfast.”

F: “Hey to you, thank you.”

She sits up and she eats a little, but mostly just picks at her food.

B: “I know that I am not the greatest cook, but usually my toaster waffles are safe.”

F: “No, it’s not your cooking skills, you are a toasting expert.”

She leans over and kisses me.

F: “I’m just not very hungry, I feel a little under the weather.”

B: “You haven’t eaten well for days. I’m worried about you.”

F: “I’m ok, don’t worry. I think that I am just tired. We’ve had a busy week so far, you know.”

B: “Then you should just stay in bed for the day. The house looks great, we can just have an easy day.”

F: “Do you think we could go sit out on the porch?”

B: “Of course.”

We go out onto the back porch and sit soaking in the morning sun. Giles finds us out there and lets us know that he is heading into the store. I feel guilty about this. I know that I should be doing more, but I just can’t pull myself away from Faith.

B: “Thank you Giles. I promise you won’t have to do that forever.”

G: “Don’t even think about it Buffy. I am glad that I can help.”

B: “I appreciate it.”

G: “I know you do. How are you doing today Faith?”

F: “I’m good Giles, thanks for asking.”

He smiles and leans over and kisses the top of her head.

G: “I’ll be back soon.”

He leaves us relaxing in the sun. We move inside after a couple of hours and Faith goes to the couch.

B: “How are you feeling?”

F: “I don’t know. Something just feels a little off.”

B: “Just lay down and rest for a little while.”

We sit and watch mindless television for a little while. Faith sits up suddenly.

F: “I think that I am going to be sick.”

I help her into the bathroom and hold her hair back as she throws up. When she finishes I wet a washcloth and wipe her face off.

B: “Better?”

F: “Yeah, I think so.”

But she isn’t better. We spend the next couple of hours going from the living room to the bathroom before she is too exhausted to move and she just curls up on the bathroom floor.

B: “Faith, baby, let’s just go to the bedroom.”

F: “I know I am going to throw up again.”

B: “Then I’ll get the trash can ready. I don’t want you on the bathroom floor.”

I help her up and we walk back into our bedroom. She lies down on the bed and I go into the kitchen to grab trash bags. I make it back to the bedroom just in time. The rest of the afternoon alternates between Faith getting sick and her sleeping. She is only managing to sleep half an hour or so at a time. She has just fallen asleep when I hear keys in the front door. I go out and meet Giles at the door.

B: “Giles I am so glad that you are home.”

G: “Is something wrong? You should have called me.”

I let him finish coming inside the house and we walk into the kitchen.

B: “I didn’t call because I kept thinking it would pass. Faith has been throwing up all afternoon.”

G: “What, when did this start?”

B: “A couple of hours of you left.”

G: “Has it been constant?”

B: “For the most part. She is exhausted, so she keeps almost passing out after each time. She can’t get more than thirty minutes of sleep before she gets sick again. She started running a fever a couple of hours ago.”

G: “So she hasn’t been able to drink anything either I take it.”

B: “No, nothing. She hasn’t been eating well for the last few days, but she said that she was just tired.”

F: “Buffy? Buffy?”

B: “I coming, Faith. Giles just got home.”

We both walk into the room and I get the trashcan in place. She gets sick again and she is not looking well. I feel her forehead and she is still running a slight fever. Faith lies back down on the bed and curls up on her side. I put down the trashcan and sit behind her. Giles sits on the other side of Faith facing her.

G: “Faith, how are you feeling?”

F: “Not great. I think I just have a flu bug or something.”

G: “Is there anything that we can get you?”

F: “A breath mint would be good.”

B: “Won’t that upset your stomach more?”

F: “At this point, I don’t think that it is possible and with this taste in my mouth, I am willing to take the risk.”

G: “What if we get you some ice chips?”

F: “Can we just start with the mint and work our way up to the ice chips?”

B: “I’ll grab you a mint.”

I come back into the room with the mint, but she has fallen asleep. Giles takes my hand and we walk into the hallway.

G: “She doesn’t look well Buffy.”

B: “What can we do?”

G: “I think we should take her to the hospital. She is already in a weakened state and I don’t think that her body can take much more. I worry that she is going to become severely dehydrated.”

B: “She will be ok though, right?”

G: “Yes, I’m sure she will be. I would just feel better if we took her to the hospital.”

B: “But nothing good ever happens at the Sunnydale Hospital.”

G: “We won’t leave her there, Buffy, we’ll stay with her.”

B: “Ok, I trust your instincts.”

We go back into the bedroom where Faith is still sleeping. I go sit behind Faith and gently wake her.

B: “Faith, baby, you need to wake up.”

She opens her sleepy eyes and she looks so tired.

F: “Ok.”

B: “We are going to take you to the hospital.”

F: “What?”

G: “I think it best Faith. We just want to make sure that you are ok.”

F: “I am ok. I just have the flu. I’ll be fine, I promise.”

G: “It’s just a precaution.”

F: “No, no, no. No doctors, no hospitals. I have been there and done that.”

Her agitation is clear and she is getting more upset by the second. I look up at Giles for answers.

G: “Faith, it will be ok.”

F: “No, please, don’t do this.”

She starts crying and I don’t know what we should do. I know this isn’t helping her either.

B: “Ok, baby, we won’t go. We will stay here, just calm down baby.”

I wrap her up in my arms and kiss her repeatedly on her head trying to soothe her.

B: “Giles?”

G: “Ok, I still think it would be best, but let’s just see how the night goes.”

We stay in the room with her, but she is too shaken to fall back asleep. She gets sick again and her exhausted body finally forces her eyes to close. The afternoon passes into evening with the same pattern of her waking up, getting sick, and falling back to sleep. Giles helps me, but I finally tell him to get something to eat and to head to bed.

G: “Are you sure Buffy? I don’t mind, really.”

B: “No, it’s ok. I can handle it, I promise.”

G: “You call me if you need anything.”

B: “Don’t worry, I will.”

G: “Can I get you anything?”

B: “No thank you, I’m ok. Can you do me a favor and just turn the light off?”

G: “Of course.”

He leans over and runs a hand over Faith’s face and kisses me on the top of my head.

G: “Try and get some sleep.”

B: “I will, you too.”

As he walks out he turns off the lights for me. I try and get more comfortable lying next to Faith, without waking her. I keep waiting for her to wake up, but she doesn’t. An hour passes and then two without her getting sick and I drift off into a light sleep thinking that maybe the worst has passed. I start dreaming that I am sitting on the porch with Faith. It is a beautiful day and the sun is shining, we are just enjoying the warmth and each other’s company. But then something isn’t right. I look over at Faith and she is soaking wet. I look at my own clothes and I too am soaking wet. It doesn’t make sense. She is shivering and I reach out to touch her, but her skin is burning up. I jolt awake and reach out for Faith. She is sweating profusely and the bed is soaking wet, as are we. She is shivering and awake, her wet hair clinging to her face.

F: “I didn’t want to wake you.”

Here teeth are chattering and I feel the heat coming off of her skin.

B: “I’m going to get Giles.”

F: “Wait Buffy, I don’t feel so good.”

B: “I’ll be right here, I just need to get him, it will only be a second.”

She looks up at me with dark circles under her eyes, and her body is trembling.

F: “Buffy, I’m scared.”

B: “I know baby, everything is going to be ok.”

I jump out of the bed and run to the doorway where I turn on the lights.

B: “Giles! Giles! Please come here Giles.”

I hear Faith getting sick behind me and I run down the hallway to Giles’ room. I bang on the door.

B: “Giles, hurry. It’s Faith.”

I run back to the bedroom and all I see is blood. Blood is everywhere, covering Faith’s face, the front of her shirt and the bed. I start to panic.

B: “Giles!”

I go over to the bed and hold her. She is still shaking and her eyes are filled with fear. She just keeps throwing up and the blood keeps coming. Giles comes to the bedroom door.

G: “I was in the living room, oh God.”

He looks at the room and all the blood. He grabs a comforter from the chest at the foot of the bed and wraps Faith in it.

G: “Buffy go get the car.”

I freeze, covered in Faith’s blood.

G: “Buffy, go now.”

I run through the house and grab my keys off of the table and head outside to the car. I get the doors open and I start the car as Giles comes out of the house carrying Faith close to him wrapped in the comforter. He struggles to close the front door and I get out of the car and run up and close it for him. I help them settle in the back seat and then I pull out of the driveway. Everything is moving so fast but it feels like it is in slow motion. The streets are passing in a blur, and I am driving only on instinct. I pull the car to a stop in front of the emergency room doors and get out and open the back door. Faith has been throwing up during the drive and she and Giles and the comforter are all covered in blood. We must look a mess walking through the doors as the hospital personnel run over to us. It takes us a few moments to communicate to them that it is only Faith that is in need of medical attention. As we are standing there waiting for a gurney to be rolled out Faith throws up again and the blood splatters all around us. She then falls unconscious while Giles is holding her in his arms.

Two nurses finally roll a gurney through the doors towards us and a doctor runs along with it. One nurse helps Giles lay an unconscious Faith down on the gurney while the other nurse turns to me for answers.

N: “Do you know what happened?”

B: “We thought she had the flu. She hasn’t been feeling well and started throwing up yesterday around noon. She hasn’t stopped since then. She just started throwing up blood though, just within the last hour.”

I can’t concentrate on what he is saying. I just see Faith lying there as the doctor starts listening to Faith’s heartbeat and taking her pulse.

N: “Is she allergic to any medications?”

B: “No.”

N: “Has she taken anything, drugs, illegal or prescription?”

B: “No nothing. She hasn’t taken anything or had anything to eat or drink since yesterday morning.”

N: “Has she complained of any pain?”

B: “No she just said that she hasn’t felt well, she thought she had the flu or that maybe she was just tired.”

N: “Nothing out of the ordinary than that you can tell me?”

B: “No, just please help her.”

The doctor hears my plea and turns to me.

DR: “We’ll do everything we can.”

And with that they roll her back through the emergency room doors. We are left there, both covered in blood and Giles holding the blood-covered comforter in his arms. We stand staring at the doors they took Faith through when an admissions person comes up to us. She leads us away from the doors and towards the waiting room.

AP: “You can both wait here, the doctor will find you with any updates on her condition.”

We both sit down dazed. She leaves us there. A few moments later she reappears with a clipboard of forms to fill out and two sets of clean scrubs for us to change into.

AP: “I brought you these in case you wanted to change, you might be here for a while.”

I reach out and take the clothes from her appreciatively.

B: “Thank you.”

AP: “I will also need you to fill out these forms so that she can be formally admitted.”

B: “Ok.”

She shows such compassion for us in her eyes and I am grateful for her help.

AP: “I will be right over there if you have any questions and you can just bring them to me when you are done.”

B: “Ok, thank you.”

She gets up and places a hand on my arm and then walks back to her desk. I look over at Giles, and he hasn’t moved.

B: “Giles? Are you ok?”

G: “Yes, yes. I’m sorry Buffy.”

B: “It’s ok, I’m sorry. We should have come here earlier.”

G: “We were only doing what she asked Buffy. We couldn’t force her.”

B: “I could have.”

G: “I don’t think so.”

I know that he is no longer talking about what has happened today and the guilt lies heavily between us. He absently takes his glasses off to wipe them and looks at the drops of blood spattered on them.

B: “Why don’t you go to the restroom and change? I’ll fill out these forms.”

G: “Yes, yes, I think that I will.”

He gets up and gingerly folds the comforter placing it on the chair. He walks away and I concentrate on filling out the forms. When I finish, I take them back over to the admissions desk.

B: “I think that I filled these out correctly.”

AP: “I’ll look them over and let you know if I have any questions.”

B: “Have you heard anything?”

AP: “Not yet, but don’t worry she is in good hands.”

B: “Thank you. And thank you for the clothes, I really do appreciate it.”

AP: “You’re welcome.”

I walk back over just as Giles is coming back. He looks strange in the green scrubs, but I know that he must feel better.

G: “Did you get the paperwork filled out ok?”

B: “I think so. She is going to look it over and let me know.”

G: “Ok. I think you should go and change too.”

B: “I think that I will.”

I go back to the chairs, pick up the clothes and walk to the restroom. I walk in and go to the sink setting the change of clothes on the ledge above the sink and turn on the water. Looking up in the mirror I see myself for the first time this morning. Faith’s blood is smeared on my face and neck and down the front of my clothes. I pull out some paper towels and wet them in the running water. As I start wiping the blood off of my face, the tears start to fall. I just let myself cry and it turns into sobbing. I can’t loose you Faith, I just can’t. Finally pulling myself together, I change my clothes. I carefully fold my clothes into a neat pile, looking at all of Faith’s lifeblood spilled onto the unfeeling cotton. I walk back out to the waiting room and take my seat next to Giles.

B: “Have you heard anything?”

G: “No, not yet.”

We sit in silence as the emergency room starts to come alive with the morning.

G: “I’m going to go call Xander and let him know what has happened.”

B: “Good idea.”

I see a doctor walk out through the doors and over to the admissions desk. He speaks briefly to the administrator and she points over to me. He starts walking towards me and I instinctively stand up.

B: “How is she?”

DR: “She is in stable condition.”

B: “Has she stopped throwing up?”

DR: “Yes, we gave her an injection which seems to be working.”

B: “Did you find where all the blood was coming from?”

DR: “Yes, the force with which she was vomiting caused her to rupture several blood vessels in her esophagus.”

B: “But, it will heal though, her throat will heal?”

DR: “It will take time, but it will heal.”

B: “So she just has a bad flu bug?”

DR: “No, we don’t think that is it. We have given her a blood transfusion and we are treating her for dehydration, but her body is still under a great deal of distress and she is still running a high fever.”

B: “What is it then?”

DR: “We don’t know at this time.”

B: “How do you find out?”

DR: “Well, tell me, have you noticed anything unusual in her behavior?”

B: “No, she hasn’t been eating well for the last week, but that is the only thing. She just said that she was feeling really tired and she wasn’t hungry.”

DR: “So she hasn’t complained of any pain anywhere?”

B: “No, nothing.”

DR: “We are going to have to run more tests. It is going to take a couple of hours to run the tests and get the results.”

B: “Can I see her?”

DR: “No, not now. We are taking her upstairs for the tests and I will let you know once we get the results.”

B: “Is there anything that I can do?”

DR: “Unfortunately, at this point all you can do is wait. I’ll be back once I know more.”

B: “Ok, well, thank you.”

The doctor gets up and leaves. Giles walks back over a few moments later and hands me a cup of coffee.

B: “Thank you.”

G: “You’re welcome. Was that the doctor?”

B: “Yes. He said that Faith is stable, but they are running more tests to see what is wrong with her. They are treating her for dehydration and they have stopped the vomiting.”

G: “And all the blood?”

B: “Caused by ruptured blood vessels in her esophagus.”

G: “So they’ll tell us what they find with the additional tests.”

B: “Yep, so all we have to do now is wait. Did you talk to Xander?”

G: “Yes I did. He is going to pick everyone up at the airport and bring them over here.”

B: “Ok.”

I hold the coffee in my hands letting it warm me. Giles and I do the only thing we can, we wait. Xander walks in with Willow and Dawn a couple of hours later.

B: “Hey.”

W: “Hi.”

Willow, Dawn, and Xander take turns hugging each of us and then we all sit back down.

B: “Thank you guys for coming. I promise this is not what we had planned for the weekend.”

X: “How is Faith?”

B: “She’s stable, but they are still running tests to find out what is causing this.”

D: “But, she is going to be ok.”

B: “Yes, she is going to be fine.”

I don’t know why I still feel a need to protect Dawn she is a grown woman after all.

X: “So what can we do?”

G: “Just wait I’m afraid.”

W: “Can I get you guys anything, snacks, beverages, magazines?”

B: “No, thank you Willow. My stomach is just in knots right now.”

Willow looks over at Giles.

G: “I think I am going to go get another cup of coffee.”

W: “I’ll get it for you.”

G: “Thank you Willow, but I think I need the walk.”

X: “I’ll go with you.”

The guys get up and go and Willow takes Giles’ chair next to me holding my hand.

B: “Thank you both for coming.”

D: “We wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”

I lean over and kiss Dawn on the top of her head.

B: “Thank you.”

We sit and wait as the world continues to move around us. Xander and Giles eventually walk back over and Xander has his arm slung around Giles’ shoulders.

The doctor comes back out and sees that there is now a group of people surrounding me.

DR: “Ms. Summers, can I speak with you?”

B: “Yes, of course.”

I get up and walk over to him.

DR: “We were able to find the cause of the distress.”

B: “Good news then. What is it?”

DR: “It appears that she suffered some type of injury to her abdomen years ago, are you aware of this?”

My breath catches, an injury to her abdomen? Yes, I am aware of that, I am the cause of that injury, the person who created the scar.

B: “Yes, uh, she was involved in, um, an accident years ago.”

DR: “Well the injury appeared to heal, but a great deal of scar tissue has built up is causing an intestinal blockage in her lower intestine. This would explain the lack of appetite and the excessive vomiting. This seems to have been going on for quite awhile and an infection has formed. I just can’t believe that she hasn’t complained of any pain, the blockage is so severe she would have to have felt it.”

I did this.

B: “Well, she has an extremely high tolerance for pain. Can it be treated?”

DR: “Yes, but we are going to have to surgically remove the blockage first, and then treat the infection.”

I did this to Faith.

B: “How much risk is involved with this type of surgery?”

DR: “There is always risk with any type of surgery, but she will eventually die if we don’t remove the blockage, so surgery is the only option as this point.”

Oh God, I did this to her.

B: “When can you do it?”

DR: “We will be taking her up there shortly. She is still sedated from one of the tests that we ran, but you can see her now if you would like.”

B: “Yes, I would like that. Just give me one second to tell our friends.”

DR: “Of course.”

I try and maintain my composure as I walk over to the group, but I am falling apart inside.

G: “Does he have any news?”

X: “Is Faith ok?”

B: “I don’t have long to talk, they are letting me go back to see her before she goes in to surgery. They found an intestinal blockage in her lower intestine and they have to remove it now. I have to go now, so I can see her.”

W: “Ok, we’ll be waiting here for you.”

Dawn hugs me.

B: “Ok.”

I turn around and walk back to the doctor and he leads me through the doors and down the hallway to Faith. She is so small and helpless looking lying in the huge hospital bed. I listen to the familiar sounds of the machines measuring her life. My mind flashes the image of her face when I plunged the knife into her before my eyes. I carefully take her hand in mine and kiss it. Then I lean over and kiss her forehead. I don’t know what to say to her, I don’t know how to apologize for what I have done. She doesn’t even know.

B: “I love you Faith, keep fighting baby.”

DR: “We need to take her upstairs now.”

B: “Ok.”

I watch as they load the machines on to the bed and roll her out of the room. They roll her onto the elevator and the doors close behind them. I find my way back down the hallway and into the waiting room. The group stands up when I walk back out.

B: “I am just going to get some air.”

W: “Do you want us to come with you?”

B: “No, thank you, I just need a few moments.”

W: “Ok.”

I walk quickly outside and follow the sidewalk along the hospital. When I round the corner I lean up against wall and sink down to the ground. What have I done to her? How can I face her again knowing that I have done this to her? Oh God, what if she doesn’t wake up? I will have killed her. I can’t deal with this. What can I do? I should just go. If she wakes up and she finds out that I am the cause of this, she won’t want to see me anyway. I’ll just leave now. I know that the others will be there for her and once they find out they will know why I had to leave. I can go back to the house and get my stuff and just disappear. That’s a good plan. I stand up resolved in what I have to do and Willow comes around the corner.

W: “Hey, you have been gone a while, I just wanted to make sure that you were ok.”

What should I say?

B: “Yeah, I’m ok.”

I am not ok. I feel so overwhelmed. I love Faith. My legs give out and I fall back against the wall.

W: “Buffy. Talk to me.”

B: “Willow, I did this to her.”

W: “What are you talking about? How could you think that you did this?”

B: “I did do this Willow.”

W: “I am not following this Buffy, you have to talk to me.”

Instead of talking, I just start crying. Willow wraps her arms around me and we sit down. When I am able to catch my breath, I start talking.

B: “Faith is in surgery right now to have an intestinal blockage removed.”

W: “I know.”

B: “But you don’t know that the blockage was caused by scar tissue.”

W: “Scar tissue from what?”

B: “From the knife that I stuck in her years ago when I wanted to kill her. I guess I have finally succeeded, huh.”

W: “Oh Buffy, this isn’t your fault.”

B: “Willow, I stuck that knife in her. I wanted her dead.”

W: “That was years ago, you are both past that.”

B: “I thought that we were past that, Willow, but this is now. How is she going to feel when she wakes up and finds out that I am the cause of this?”

W: “I honestly don’t know how she is going to feel, or what she is going to say. I do know how much she loves you and how much you have both sacrificed to be together, to make this relationship work. I can’t see her throwing that all away because of something that happened years ago.”

B: “How do you forgive someone for this?”

W: “Your history with Faith is complicated Buffy. You both hurt each other when you were younger, but you are different people now. You know Faith loves you right? That she loves you completely?”

B: “Yes, I know that, and I love her.”

W: “Then you have to trust that love, and you have to trust her.”

B: “I guess I don’t have any other option. Of course I could run.”

W: “Now, that’s mature.”

B: “Or not.”

W: “Give this a chance Buffy. Come on let’s get inside.”

B: “Ok.”

Willow helps me to my feet. And I give her a hug.

B: “Thank you.”

W: “You’re welcome. You know I love you.”

B: “I love you too.”

She locks her arm in mine and we walk towards the entrance. I decide to concentrate on Faith getting out of surgery first, and then I will worry about what I will say to her, about what will happen to us.

We go back inside I head to the restroom to wash my face and Willow goes back to the waiting room. When I get back, it appears that Willow has filled everyone in on Faith’s condition, the cause of the blockage.

As I sit back down, Willow leans over to me and places her mouth next to my ear.

W: “I just told them that the blockage was caused by scar tissue, but not from what. I thought that if you wanted to tell them, you could.”

B: “Thank you.”

I hug her again. I think that I am going to talk to Faith first and then tell them what happened. Hours pass and just as I have worked myself into a near full-blown panic, another doctor comes out.

DR: “Ms. Summers?”

I stand up and walk towards him.

B: “That’s me, Buffy.”

DR: “Hi Buffy, I am the doctor that performed the surgery on Faith.”

B: “How is she?”

DR: “She is stable. She pulled through the surgery wonderfully and there were no complications. We were able to remove the blockage completely and most of the surrounding scar tissue. I still can’t believe that she never complained of any pain. I am surprised that this did not happen sooner, actually.”

B: “Well, Faith is an extremely strong woman.”

DR: “She must be.”

B: “When can I see her?”

DR: “She is in recovery right now where we are watching for any abnormalities, but we should have her moved to a private room in a few hours. The nurse will come and get you then.”

B: “Ok.”

He turns to leave.

B: “Doctor.”

He turns around.

DR: “Yes.”

B: “Thank you for everything.”

DR: “You’re welcome. She is going to be just fine.”

B: “Thank you.”

I walk back over to the group and tell them the good news. They all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

B: “Look, the worst part seems to be over.”

Of course excluding the conversation that I still have to have with Faith.

B: “Why don’t you guys head back to our house? There is a ton of food there to eat, and I will call you once she wakes up.”

G: “That is a good idea.”

B: “Maybe you guys could even find it in your hearts to bring me a change of clothes?”

W: “You know what, I’ll grab some clothes now and bring them to you.”

B: “You don’t have to do that.”

W: “How long have you and Giles been wearing those scrubs?”

I have to laugh at that.

W: “Settled, I’ll be back shortly.”

D: “Are you sure you don’t want any of us to stay?”

B: “No, thank you though. All we can do is wait for her to wake up, we don’t all need to be here for that.”

X: “Ok, but call us when she wakes up.”

B: “Of course.”

We all hug and say our goodbyes and I settle myself back down in the waiting room.

POV Faith

I open my eyes slowly. Bright light. I close my eyes and try to adjust to the light. I open my eyes again and see a nurse walk over to the window and pull the blinds closed.

N: “Welcome back.”

Where have I been? I look around, another hospital room, oh good. I open my mouth to thank her, but my throat burns like it is on fire. I am suddenly aware of all of the pain, the pain in my throat and the severe pain in my stomach. My hands instinctively reach for my stomach.

N: “Be careful, you have quite a few stitches there. Are you in pain?”

I carefully nod my head. She walks over to the bed and places a controller in my hand.

N: “This is for the morphine drip. When you need something for the pain, just click on this button and it will release pain medication into your blood stream, you control this. Do you understand?”

I nod my head again and immediately click the button.

N: “There are a lot of people waiting to see you. Do you feel up to it?”

I nod my head, and I can feel the pain fading away. My eyelids feel heavy and I decide to close my eyes for a second, just until they get here.

When I open my eyes again the room is dark. I look out the window, the blinds are open and it is now nighttime. There is a light on in the corner and as I look around I notice the sleeping form in the chair next to the bed. Buffy. She is curled up in the chair with a blanket over her. I open my mouth to call out to her, but the fire in my throat prevents the words from actually coming out. I sit and watch her sleep until the pain becomes too unbearable. I want to stay awake for her and I know that clicking the morphine drip will cause me to sleep. I tough it out for a few more moments, but it is too much. I click the button and wait for the pain to ease and my eyes to close.

When I open my eyes again, the room is too bright. I blink a few times and try to turn my head away from the light.

B: “Let me get the blinds.”

The room darkens a bit and I can now make out Buffy.

B: “Hey there.”

I try my to speak, but the pain is still there and I quickly change my mind. I decide instead to smile. She smiles back at me.

B: “Your throat, don’t try and talk. It will heal, it is just going to take a few more days.”

I nod in understanding.

B: “Do you need anything?”

I shake my head and reach my hand out to her. She comes over beside the bed and I take her hand in mine. She sits down in the chair next to me and we just sit and holding each other’s hands. After a few moments she leans over and places a soft kiss upon my lips.

I smile at her and she smiles back.

B: “I love you sweet girl.”

I nod my head and hope that she knows that I love her too.

We stay like this for a while.

B: “Dawn and Willow came into town on Friday. Everyone, including Xander, is back at our house. They can’t wait to see you.”

I nod my head again.

B: “We’ll give you a little more time and then we’ll call them. Does that sound ok to you?”

I nod. I’m getting tired of nodding. I can feel the pain building in my throat and in my stomach. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. She notices my grimace.

B: “Are you ok? Are you feeling pain?”

I nod.

B: “You should take your pain medication.”

I shake my head.

B: “It’s ok, I’ll be here when you wake up.”

She smiles and I feel better. I click the medication and sleep soon overtakes me.

When I wake up, I am feeling much better. It is still light out. I am hoping that it is the same day and that I haven’t slept through another day. I am alone in the room and I decide to use the time to look myself over. I lift up my gown and look at what has been causing me so much pain. Next to my scar, there is another incision closed with stitches. I can’t believe something that is only about six inches long can be causing me so much pain. As I start counting the stitches, I hear voices and the door open. I quickly pull my gown down and the sheet back up.

B: “Hey. You’re awake. Can you guys give us a moment?”

I hear them agree and only Buffy continues inside.

B: “I didn’t know whether or not you would be awake. I’m glad you are, though.”

She walks over to the bed and gives me a quick kiss.

F: “Me too.”

My voice is extremely hoarse and it hurts to talk.

B: “Wow, I didn’t expect hear your voice so soon. You’re a quick healer. You ruptured some blood vessels in your throat the other night when you were throwing up, thus all the blood. The doctors said it would take about a week or so to heal completely. It’s going to be sore, so just take it easy, ok?”

F: “Ok.”

B: “Xander and Giles were taking Willow and Dawn to the airport, but they wanted to see you before they went back. Are you up to seeing them?”

F: “Definitely.”

Ow, that hurt. Buffy looks so tired, but there is something more. I can tell that she is relieved to see me, but there is sadness in her eyes that I just can’t figure out. She walks back over to the door.

B: “Come on in.”

They all pile through the door, Xander, Giles, Willow and Dawn. Buffy hangs back against the wall and they all come over to the bed. The room is soon filled with flowers, balloons, and stuffed animals.

F: “Wow, what a welcome. Thank you.”

W: “It is so good to see you, awake and everything.”

D: “And talking too.”

X: “It’s good to see you Faith.”

Giles just smiles and walks over to the bed and kisses me on my head.

G: “Welcome back Faith.”

We sit together for a short while. They fill in most of the conversation, as it is still incredibly painful for me to talk. I try to keep my responses simple to ease the pain.

G: “I guess we should get going so you both can make your flights.”

W: “Ok.”

They each come over and we hug.

D: “We’ll be back soon. You just get better and take it easy.”

W: “Yeah, don’t push it, there is plenty of time.”

F: “Thank you. I love you guys.”

D: “We love you too, you know.”

F: “I do, thank you.”

Buffy walks them back outside and I can hear her giving them her goodbyes. She walks back in and takes the chair next to the bed. She takes my hand in hers and I just can’t get over the sadness in her eyes.

B: “Giles and Xander are going to go back to the house after they drop Willow and Dawn at the airport. I thought you might have had your fill of visitors today.”

F: “Thank you.”

B: “So, have you talked to the doctors yet? Has anyone told you what happened?”

F: “No, but I see that I had surgery.”

I lift up my gown and show her the neat row of stitches that run parallel to the old scar. She looks at it and reaches her other hand out to lightly run her fingers over it. When she looks back up at me, her eyes are full tears.

F: “Tell me.”

She continues to look at me and pulls her hand away from my stomach. I put my gown back down. I can tell she wants to say something, but she can’t figure out the words. We sit silently for a moment.

F: “Tell me.”

B: “Faith you know…”

And with less than perfect timing the door opens and a doctor walks in.

DR: “Faith, it is good to see you up. How are you feeling?”

F: “Good.”

DR: “And talking too, just be careful. You ruptured blood vessels in your throat and they are going to need time to heal. How is your pain level?”

F: “Ok.”

DR: “Are you still using the morphine drip?”

F: “A bit.”

DR: “Let’s leave it in for tonight, sometimes the nights are worse than the days, and depending on how you are feeling, we might take it out tomorrow. Ok?”

F: “Ok.”

DR: “Has Ms. Summers filled you in on what happened?”

F: “Not yet.”

I can feel Buffy shift the hand that I am holding on to.

DR: “Well, it took us a while to find, but you had an intestinal blockage in your lower intestine. Evidently you were in some type of accident before which left you with that scar on your abdomen. Well, the scar tissue from that injury continued to develop until it created this blockage.”

Buffy tries to pull her hand free from mine, but I won’t let her. I look over at her and the tears that were threatening earlier are falling down her cheeks faster than she can wipe them away.

DR: “Your body then began trying to fight its way through the blockage creating an infection. We had to perform surgery, as I am sure you have seen, to remove it. The surgery was successful. And as long as you keep progressing, you should be out of here in a week or so. How does that sound?”

F: “Good, very good.”

DR: “I have to say that I am surprised that the pain from this didn’t cause you to come in earlier.”

F: “I have a high tolerance for pain.”

DR: “That is what Ms. Summers told me. I just need to check the sutures and your throat and then I will leave you two alone.”

F: “Ok.”

He does his checks and nods approvingly.

DR: “Everything looks good. Do you have any questions for me?”

F: “No.”

DR: “Is there anything I can get you?”

F: “Food?”

He smiles.

DR: “Maybe in a couple of days. Right now it is strictly an intravenous diet for you until your throat and your intestine heal a little more. Anything else?”

F: “No, thank you.”

I look over at Buffy once the doctor leaves and the tears are continuing to fall. I know now the reason for the sadness in her eyes.

F: “Buffy?”

She pulls her hand free from my grip.

B: “Faith I am so sorry. Look at what I have done to you. I promised to take care of you, to love you and I nearly killed you again.”

I hate thinking about the past, it feels like several lifetimes ago and I hate even more to see Buffy reliving it all again.

F: “It’s ok.”

B: “Don’t say that, don’t you dare say that. Don’t forgive me for this Faith. I don’t deserve it.”

F: “This isn’t your fault.”

My throat is killing me and I instinctively reach for the morphine control. I stop myself short, realizing the consequences; I can’t afford to sleep right now.

B: “Yes it is. You haven’t thought about this Faith. You just found out.”

F: “I don’t need to think about it Buffy, this was long ago.”

B: “You have to think about it, if not for you, then for me.”

F: “Buffy.”

B: “I am serious Faith. I won’t accept your forgiveness, I can’t. You need to think about this, really think about this. Think about whether or not you could love someone who nearly killed you twice.”

F: “I don’t need to, I love you.”

B: “Don’t say that.”

F: “I love you.”

B: “I have to go.”

She gets up from her chair and I reach for her hand, but my stomach won’t let me reach far and she gets away from me. She grabs her bag and starts walking towards the door. She gets one hand on the door handle.

F: “Don’t you leave me.”

She pauses at the door.

F: “I can’t fight with you now. You have to accept that I have forgiven you, years ago, just as you forgave me for all I have done. This, this is my body, this is no one’s fault, it has nothing to do with you.”

B: “It has everything to do with me Faith. You have to see that.”

F: “No, you have to open your eyes. No one could have stopped this.”

B: “I could have. I could have not stabbed you in the first place.”

F: “If you take that away, then you rewrite history and who is to say we would be together now? You can’t change the past Buffy, it is what has given us our present, our future.”

She looks over at me and her eyes finally meet mine.

F: “Now, I can’t talk much longer, my throat is on fire. Please don’t leave, come over here.”

She takes her hand off of the door handle. She walks over to the bed and drops her bag on the floor. I move over on the bed and pat the area next to me. She sits down and I take her hand in mine.

F: “I love you.”

B: “I am so sorry Faith, I am so, so sorry.”

She starts to cry again and she leans over me. I kiss her gently all over her face holding her head with my other hand.

F: “I love you.”

She lies down next to me and sobs into my shoulder.

B: “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

F: “Yes, you do.”

B: “I love you so much.”

The pain is overwhelming. My throat is screaming and my stomach is throbbing.

F: “And I love you. I have to take a hit of the morphine, which means I’m going to fall asleep. Please just promise me that you will be here when I wake up.”

B: “I promise.”

F: “I love you.”

B: “And I love you. Now sleep, baby, I’ll be right here.”

I click the controller and I feel the rush of medication hit my blood stream. My eyelids grow heavy quickly and I place a kiss on her forehead before letting them close.

Two Months Later

POV Buffy

And I was there when Faith woke up, as I have been every morning since. Each time she opens her eyes I view it as a gift, another opportunity given to us. Faith spent about ten days in the hospital before we were able to bring her home. I took her to physical therapy each day for the first couple of weeks, as the doctor suggested, which helped her to regain her strength. Faith, though, surprised everyone with her quick healing. When she was finally able to move around on her own she went to visit Susannah. They spent the day together and Faith told her as much as she could about everything that had happened. She then handed in her formal resignation. It was a hard decision for her to make, as she felt so indebted to Susannah and everything that she had done for her, but she felt it was time. We took time for ourselves, too, planning out the next step in our lives together. We finally got around to going through all of our mail that had piled for months. Giles had been handling all of the bills for us, but we still had a large pile awaiting us. We found the letters that the council had sent us. Faith had received two letters and I had received one. Faith’s first letter contained her one and only paycheck as the formal slayer, for her services rendered after I had resigned and before she died. The second letter contained a payment of gratitude from the council for her time served as a slayer, posthumously as it was. I opened my letter and I, too, had received a payment of gratitude from the council for my time as the slayer. The amounts of the checks astounded both of us and we rethought what we had planned for our future. With Giles’ help, I ended up selling the bookstore. I felt it was time. With Faith fully recovered, we decided to have everyone down for a weekend celebration. Petra was able to come in, as was Dawn and Jon, and Willow, Dani, Gracie and little Alex. They all arrived a couple of days ago, and we have everyone, including Xander packed into our house. It has been a blast having the gang together again, in full force. We have all grown so much, as you would expect, but it still warmed my heart to see us all together again. It is very early Sunday morning, the sun is still sleeping and the moon is out in its full glory, everyone is planning on returning home tomorrow, including Giles. Neither Faith nor I have been able to sleep this night. We are both sitting up in bed, facing each other, with our legs tangled together.

B: “I love you, you know.”

F: “I kind of got that feeling.”

B: “I am being serious.”

F: “Aw, you know I love you, too.”

B: “It is not too late.”

F: “Too late for what?”

B: “For you to go.”

F: “I have no plans to go anywhere without you.”

B: “I would understand.”

F: “Do you want me to go?”

B: “No, but I would understand.”

F: “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

B: “No, I just want to make sure that this is what you want.”

She cups my face in her hands and kisses me.

F: “I have never wanted anything more than you, than us.”

B: “Are you sure?”

F: “Absolutely. And you?”

B: “I agree with you.”

F: “Good.”

She kisses me again, deeper. Surprisingly, we have not made love since she came home. I guess we were both waiting although we never talked about it. She pulls back.

F: “I do worry, you know?”

B: “About what?”

F: “About whether or not I can be enough for you.”

B: “In what way?”

F: “You have led a busy life Buffy. You have given up your slaying and now your store. I wonder if I will be enough to fill your days and your nights. I mean it will just be the two of us.”

I lean over and kiss her.

B: “First of all, it is not your job to fill my entire life, I only need you to love me and to let me love you. As for slaying, it is not something that I want to do anymore. I didn’t give it up for you; I gave it up for me. How much longer did I have? I am too old to spend my nights chasing evil; it is a job for the young, or at least those younger than me. I loved the bookstore, but I don’t need it anymore. I am ready to move on Faith, with you, with us.”

F: “Wow that was quite a mouthful.”

I reach over and grab a pillow and hit her lightly with it.

B: “You better be careful.”

F: “Oh, I need to be careful do I?”

She tackles me on the bed and kisses me all over my face. We start laughing and I feel like I just can’t love this woman enough.

B: “We are going to wake up the whole house.”

F: “Then you’d better keep it down. What time is he supposed to be here?”

I look up to see the clock.

B: “In about an hour.”

F: “We should meet him at the front door so he doesn’t wake anyone up.”

B: “Good idea.”

We lay together, kissing some, and just holding each other. We watch the clock as the minutes tick by.

F: “Let’s get moving.”

We untangle ourselves and quietly go to the front door. He comes as scheduled and we take him to the backyard, thanking him for arriving at such an early hour.

F: “Are you ready?”

B: “Definitely.”

She kisses me again and we split up to wake the others. We get everyone up leading them to the back yard.

X: “Should we have gotten dressed?”

F: “The dress code is pajamas only.”

Everyone is a bit groggy, but somewhat awake. Little Alex is asleep in Willow’s arms and Dani is holding Gracie.

B: “I just want to say thank you for letting us get you up at this early hour. Faith and I wanted to formally start our lives together with the start of this new day and we wanted to share this with all of you.”

The reverend steps to the front of the group and Faith and I take our places in front of him. The others form a semicircle around us. The sun is just starting its ascent into the sky.

I place a white rose behind Faith’s ear and she does the same for me. Faith takes my hands in hers and we turn to face the reverend.

R: “Good morning everyone. We are here today to celebrate the joyous and everlasting union of Buffy and Faith. They would now like to share with you the vows that they have written for each other.”

We turn to face each other and the tears fall silently from my eyes as they do hers.

F: “From this day forward I pledge to you

B: “my heart and mind,

F: “my body and soul.

B: “I ask that you take this ring as a symbol of my everlasting love for you.

F: “I ask that you take this ring as a symbol of my everlasting love for you.

B: “Remembering always that we are stronger as a whole

F: “than the two parts alone.

B: “And that with each passing day

F: “we cherish the moments given to us

B: “as a gift not to be taken for granted.”

When we finish, we turn to face the reverend again.

R: “With the power vested in me by the state of California, it is with great honor that I give to you Faith and Buffy, joined in love and joined in life.”

The vows are short and simple, but they convey everything that we need to say. Our hearts know the rest.

I release her hands from mine and place my hands on her face and kiss her softly with the promise of a lifetime. When we release she pulls me close, and leans over to my ear.

F: “I love you.”

B: “And I love you.”

I had forgotten that anyone else was there until we turned around to cheers from our family.

We walk over to them and they offer their hugs and congratulations.

W: “This was a surprise. Not the getting married part, we were expecting that, but the getting married today part.”

X: “Well, if I had to get up this early, I couldn’t think of a better reason.”

B: “I know it is early. We just decided we wanted a simple ceremony.”

F: “Yeah, one where we didn’t have to do too much planning.”

B: “Besides, we didn’t know when we would be able to have us all together at the same time.”

G: “It was perfect.”

D: “But we don’t have presents.”

F: “Are you kidding?”

B: “With everything that you all have sacrificed for us, you have given us the greatest gifts already.”

F: “What do you say we go inside for some breakfast?”

X: “Sounds good to me.”

We all go back inside the house. We invite the reverend to stay, but he excuses himself as he has a morning service to get to. He offers us his congratulations, we thank him again, and he leaves.

Everyone helps with the breakfast preparation. When it is almost complete, I pull Petra aside into the living room.

B: “I just wanted to thank you. I know that the last few months have been difficult for you, what with Giles being here and all.”

P: “Buffy, Giles loves you and Faith. He thinks of you both as his daughters and he would have been no good to me had he come home any sooner.”

B: “Still, thank you.”

She wraps her arms around me.

P: “Besides, I love you both too, congratulations Buffy. You two deserve all of the happiness in the world.”

She looks me in the eye.

P: “Now lets eat, I’m starving.”

I smile at her.

B: “Let’s eat.”

We walk back into the kitchen and Faith reaches for me immediately. She wraps her arms around me from behind and leans down to my ear.

F: “Thank you.”

I turn around in her arms and look up at her.

B: “For what?”

F: “For everything.”

I look up and kiss her.

D: “All right you two. Are we eating or what?”

Faith laughs and pulls her lips from mine.

F: “We’re eating, we’re eating.”

We spend the morning just eating, talking, and laughing. I could not think of a better wedding day. When we have all have eaten our fill, we decide that it might be a good time to get dressed. As we finish getting dressed we all congregate on the back porch to enjoy the beautiful day.

X; “So what do you guys have planned now?”

W: “Yeah, no slaying, no bookstore, no flower shop, what are you guys going to do?”

F: “Why don’t you tell them B?”

B: “We have decided to live like nomads for a while.”

D: “What all does that entail?”

B: “Well, we are selling the house and we are just going to travel for a bit.”

Dani: “That sounds wonderful.”

F: “We thought so.”

G: “How long will you be gone?”

B: “We don’t know. We are just going to travel until we decide to come home.”

D: “And where will home be?”

F: “We haven’t decided yet.”

G: “You will both be careful though?”

P: “They will be fine Giles.”

G: “Of course, but if you need anything.”

B: “We have all the phone numbers and addresses.”

D: “But, you will come back.”

B: “Yes, we will be back.”

X: “We are going to miss you both.”

F: “Don’t worry, you’ll hear from us, we aren’t disappearing.”

D: “You’d better not.”

The day passes quickly as we talk and entertain the children. I spend the day with a smile plastered to my face and Faith never more than an arms length away. We all help make dinner and enjoy the evening. It has been a long day and with almost everyone traveling tomorrow, we take off for bed a few hours after dinner.

Faith and I go back into our bedroom and I close the door and lean back on it as Faith walks over to the closet.

B: “Finally, I have you all to myself.”

F: “And what do you plan to do with me?”

B: “I have a few ideas.”

She walks up to me and kisses me hard on the mouth.

F: “I don’t know Buffy, we have a house full of people and two little children.”

B: “What are you saying, you don’t want me?”

She kisses down my neck as her hands move up my shirt, and I release a throaty moan.

F: “I am just thinking that one of us is quite the screamer and it isn’t me.”

She slowly unbuttons my shirt and her hands find my breasts. My breathing is becoming erratic.

B: “I promise I can be quiet.”

She pulls my shirt off and runs her teeth along my neck and down my shoulder lightly biting me along the way.

F: “Are you sure?”

B: “I promise.”

Her kisses continue along my collarbone as her hands work wonders.

F: “I don’t know Buffy.”

B: “Faith, I promise.”

She looks me in the eye and gives me a cocky smile. I push her backwards until her legs hit the bed and I take her lips with mine. She opens her mouth for me and I deepen the kiss, feeling every inch of her mouth with my tongue. I tug at the bottom of her shirt and she raises her arms so that I can pull it off of her. She lies back on the bed pulling me with her. We take our time removing each other’s clothes, enjoying the feeling of hands and bodies on bare skin. It has been too long. She flips me over onto my back and lays over me. My body craves her every touch. She runs her hand up the inside of my thigh and I moan loudly. She pulls her lips from my neck and looks me in the eye.

F: “Remember your promise.”

I roll her over on her back.

B: “You first.”

I let my tongue explore her body causing her to quiver under my touch. As I move slowly down her stomach, her breath quickens even more.

F: “Oh Buffy.”

B: “Shhh, I thought I was the screamer.”

She puts her finger in her mouth and bites down. I am enjoying this. I take her in my mouth and taste her sweetness. I take her to the brink and hold her there until I know she can’t take anymore and then I let her go, making the pleasure last as long as possible.

F: “You don’t play fair.”

B: “You know I don’t like rules.”

I kiss my way back up to her mouth and she once again slides her hand along the inside of my thighs, which are beyond wet with wanting. She rolls me over and lies along my side. It doesn’t take long for her expert hands to achieve their goal. With each touch I can hear my moans getting louder and just as I am about to scream her name she takes my mouth with hers, stifling the scream. She brings me back down gently and removes her lips from mine smiling.

F: “What happened to your promise Buffy?”

I smile back at her.

B: “I tried.”

F: “Do you want a second chance?”

B: “More than anything.”

We spend our first night as a married couple without any sleep.

The morning is hectic with all of us running around trying to get ready, people trying to pack, and trying to keep the two kids out of everything. We finally get everyone packed and the cars loaded. Dani and Willow drove up from LA, so once they have the kids in the car seats we say our good-byes and they take off. We pack the others into our car and Xander’s car and leave for the airport. Saying goodbye to Giles is especially hard for us. How can thank you be enough for someone who has given you so much? After everyone is checked in for their flights, Faith pulls Giles aside for their own goodbye. It is then my turn.

B: “I don’t know what to say, thank you doesn’t say near enough.”

G: “Buffy, you know that I will always do whatever I can for both of you.”

B: “I know. I just hope you know how much I appreciate it.”

G: “I do.”

B: “Petra is an amazing woman.”

G: “Yes, yes she is.”

B: “Make sure you hold on to her.”

G: “I plan to.”

B: “Good. I love you Giles.”

G: “I love you too Buffy. Make sure that along your travels you plan a trip to England.”

B: “Definitely.”

We hug for a long time and then I let him go. I say my good-byes to Dawnie and Jon and we see them off on their flight.

When we get back to our house, we are both exhausted, but it is a good feeling.

B: “The house is so quiet.”

F: “I know it is almost too quiet.”

B: “I don’t know, I kind of like it.”

Faith goes and sits down on the couch, picking up a notepad and pen off of the coffee table.

B: “The whole house all to ourselves, what ever will we do?”

F: “We have a lot to do.”

She starts writing on the notepad.

F: “We need to call a realtor, see about a storage space, make reservations for our trip, go through all of our stuff and decide what we want to keep.”

I walk over to her on the couch and slide my way onto her lap facing her. She doesn’t seem to notice and keeps writing around me.

B: “I mean, here we both are in this house all alone, just the two of us, with no worries of waking other people up.”

F: “We should have a yard sale, you know, to get rid of the stuff we decide we don’t want.”

I have had enough of the notepad and pen and I extract both of them from her grip.

B: “Faith, we have time.”

She puts her hands on my hips and I run my fingers through her hair. I move my hands from her hair to her face, softly tracing the outlines of her features. She has the most amazing nose; it comes to such a perfect angle at the tip.

B: “Is this ok?”

F: “Yes.”

I continue running my fingers over her face, closing my eyes and memorizing each inch with my hands. I lean down and place a soft kiss on her lips, just tasting her. Kissing Faith is incomparable to anything else.

B: “So, do you think you will ever get tired of kissing me?”

F: “No, I never will. You are the only one for me Buffy, the only one.”

I fall in love with this woman at least a hundred times a day.

I take her lips in mine again and we sit on the couch making out like teenagers and it is amazing.

POV Faith

Buffy lays asleep in my arms and it takes my breath away. If you had asked me when I was sixteen if I could ever see myself in love and married at some point in my life, I would have laughed until I passed out. If you had told me when I was eighteen that I would have one day fallen in love with and be married to Buffy, I would have knocked you unconscious. Yet, here we are, and I could not imagine my life any different. I would not want my life any different. What Buffy and I have together is stronger than I ever thought love could be. She opened her heart for me and asked only that I do the same for her, and with her love, I did. I can be myself without any defenses and she loves me unconditionally. I can see it in her eyes, the way that she looks at me, and feel it in every touch she gives me. This is love and every day I am humbled and honored by its magnitude.

We spend the next few weeks packing up our house and showing it to prospective buyers. It sells relatively quickly for a house in Sunnydale. Everything that we decide to keep, including our cars, we move into storage with Xander’s help and we donate the rest. With Xander overseeing the last of the paperwork on the house, we are able to leave before escrow closes. Xander drives us to the airport and we promise many postcards and phone calls when possible. We have no definite plans for our trip, only a starting point, Australia, and a single backpack for each of us.

For the next eight months we see a world that pictures can never do justice to. We travel wherever the day takes us, staying in areas that we love for longer periods of time. There is no rush and we live as part of the population and not as tourists. Most of all, we just enjoy being together. We wake to small cafes, to long walks through out the cities, to sleepy days at the beach, to quiet days never leaving the bed. I have never felt so connected to one person, there are times when I can no longer tell when she begins and I end. We write postcards to our families and call for birthdays and holidays and when we feel a need to reconnect. And we finally reach a time when we feel like going home, to making a permanent home together. We have saved our last stop for England at Giles’ request.

In England we witness the marriage of Giles and Petra. It is small ceremony and we are honored to be a part of it. Petra is six months pregnant and Giles is beside himself with excitement. We stay with them a few weeks before flying back to California. Once we get back we get one of our cars out of storage and after a tune up we pick up Xander and drive up north to visit Dawn and Jon. We stay with them about a week and then drive back down to LA where we stay with Willow and Dani. Little Alex isn’t so little anymore and Gracie getting more beautiful each day. It is amazing how quickly they are growing and changing. After we drop Xander back in Sunnydale, Buffy and I drive along the coast looking for a house to buy. We find a sleepy little community along the shoreline and we stop at a motel and decide to check it out. We spend the next couple of days looking at the neighborhoods, houses and schools. Most importantly, we spend the nights checking out the nightlife, looking for the undead and other big evils. When the town passes this test, we decide this is the place for us. We purchase a house that gives us room to grow and for guests and we settle into our lives together.

Six Years Later

Excerpt from Oh, the Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss

POV Buffy

I lay the sleeping baby carefully in her bed and make my way out of her bedroom and down the hallway, checking in on the twins who are still sleeping peacefully. I walk into the kitchen and overhear Faith talking to Jasper over the monitor.

F: “Pick out one last book Jasper and then you have to go to sleep, ok?”

J: “Mommy read this one, read this one mommy.”

F: “Ok, baby. Come and get back in bed with me. Are you comfy?”

J: “Yeah, now read mommy.”

F: “Ok, but then you’ll sleep, right?”

J: “Read, read.”

F: “Congratulations!
      Today is your day.
      You’re off to great places!
      You’re off and away!”

I smile at the familiar words and turn the water on in the sink so I can tackle the pile of dishes that are waiting for me. Six years have gone by so quickly, six years and four children and I fall in love with Faith more each day. I remember the panic Faith felt when I was pregnant with Jasper. I spent hours each day reassuring her that she would make a great mother, but she still wasn’t convinced. When he was born and she brought him over to lay him in my arms, I panicked and she was the calm one.

F: “Look at him Buffy. He is so small and he looks just like, well he doesn’t really look like either of us, but he is damn cute.”

She must have seen the fear in my eyes.

F: “Take him B, we can do this, the two of us together. We’ll learn and it will be ok.”

I found my strength in her. And when we found out two years later that Faith was carrying twins, I couldn’t tell who was more surprised. I guess we both were, equally, we had never even thought it was a remote possibility. And we were given another beautiful boy, Kieran, and our first sweet girl, Blythe. Two years later I gave birth to another little girl, Jolie, who is a few months away from her first birthday. Our life together has been beyond my greatest expectations. I guess as much as I knew I loved Faith I was worried about what our married life together would be like. Part of me was waiting for us to emulate the marriages of our parents, the constant arguing and finger pointing, but it didn’t happen. In fact, we don’t argue. We have our share of disagreements, but we have always been able to talk them through. We communicate well with each other, and we know that what we have been given is rare. I stop the running water for a moment as I hear Faith nearing the end of the book.

I walk back to Jasper’s bedroom and peek in the room to see Faith lying in bed with him curled up around her. His eyes are fighting to stay awake and I know that sleep is coming.

F: “Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
      Or Mordeci Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
      You’re off to great places!
      Today is your day!
      Your mountain is waiting.
      So…get on your way!”

I watch as she quietly closes the book and lays it on the nightstand and carefully pulls his little body off of hers and tucks him in.

F: “I love you sweet boy.”

She places a gentle kiss on his forehead and turns off the light, prompting the night-light to come on. She meets me in the hallway and pulls the door to. We quietly walk back into the kitchen.

I turn the water back on to finish washing the dishes. Faith grabs a towel to help me.

B: “That wasn’t too bad.”

F: “No, I only had to read four different books tonight.”

B: “He must have been tired.”

She smiles over at me.

F: “So Jolie must have finally decided that she was ready to sleep?”

B: “She was still a bit hungry, but I gave her half a bottle and that seemed to do the trick.”

Faith hits me on the ass with the towel.

B: “Hey, what was that for?”

F: “Have I ever told you how sexy you look when you are washing dishes?”

B: “I don’t think you have.”

She walks up behind me, places the towel on the counter, and runs her hands up my sides and down my arms. She places a kiss on the back of my neck that sends shivers down my spine.

F: “You are incredibly sexy.”

I pull my hands out from under the water and turn off the faucets. I reach for her hands, but she takes them and places them on the counter.

F: “No way, your hands stay on the counter.”

I start to protest, but she silences me with her lips. Her hands run back up my arms and across my breasts settling on my stomach. She continues with constant kisses along my jaw line and down my neck and shoulders, her hands finding their way underneath my tee and running patterns across my abdomen and chest. Her hands travel to the waistband of the boxers that I am wearing and my breathing is becoming heavy. As her hands make their way underneath my shorts, we hear the sounds of an unhappy child. Faith removes her lips from mine.

F: “Sounds like Jolie is not quite ready for bed.”

B: “I’ll get her.”

F: “No, it’s ok, let me try. We will finish this later.”

She kisses me deeply and takes the half full bottle off of the counter. After a few seconds I hear her soothing words through the monitor.

F: “Hey there, baby girl, are you an unhappy camper?”

I smile and turn the water back on to finish the dishes. Faith is the most amazing mother. I wasn’t surprised, but I think she was. I think having a family completed her in a way she never knew was possible.

POV Faith

I sit with Jolie and slowly rock her as she finishes her bottle.

F: “There you go baby girl, see you were just hungry.”

I reach over and kiss her lightly on her forehead. It is hard to believe that our little family, once only the two of us, has grown to six into such a short amount of time.

There are times when I look into the eyes of our children, so innocent they are, and I realize who I am. How I am a murderer and how no amount of time that passes will be able to change that. There are nights when I wake up filled with the knowledge that I don’t deserve this life that I have been given. The grief and fear that I feel overcome me and I want nothing more than to run, to try and escape. Somehow on these nights, Buffy knows, and she wraps me so tightly in her loving arms until the pain subsides. I know I haven’t earned this life, the love that I have been given, but each day I try and prove my worthiness, not to them, but to myself.

I remember how I worried that Buffy would grow bored with a quiet life here on the beach, but life with four kids is anything except boring. We have built an amazing life together and I am constantly astounded that with each day I fall in love with her even more.

If there is anything that I wish, it is that we were able to see our family more. Giles and Petra are busy raising their son in England. Willow and Dani are kept occupied with Willow’s job and their two kids. And Xander and his girlfriend just had their first child a few months after Jolie was born. Dawn and Jon are still married to each other and to their work. I guess we all grew up, but we haven’t grown apart. We still manage to make time to see each other for the major holidays, but with all of our children, traveling is a difficult undertaking.

Jolie is sleeping and I gently lay her back in crib. Buffy walks up behind me and wraps her arms around my waist. She places a soft kiss on my neck and I smile at her touch. She whispers in my ear.

B: “What are you thinking?”

F: “How amazing our life is.”

B: “It really is.”

F: “I never expected this B.”

B: “That only makes us appreciate it more.”

F: “She is so beautiful.”

B: “Yes, she is.”

We watch our baby girl sleep; I cherish these moments. Could I love this woman more, could I love our family more, our life more? At this point I don’t think that it is impossible, but I know that tomorrow morning when I wake up in this woman’s arms, to the sounds of our children, I will.

B: “Can I convince you to join me in bed?”

I turn around and whisper.

F: “You don’t even have to ask.”

Buffy kisses me softly, takes my hand in hers and leads me to our bedroom.

The End