All I Wanted
by Ceridwen Star
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not my characters, they belong to all the BTVS people and I just
pulled them into my odd little mind and we went to a party and got acquainted with each
other so I thought hey, why not keep them in my mind for a little longer and make them
go through the motions of this fiction. Sound good? Does to me!
Spoilers: Graduation Day Part 1 and 2 since I stole scenes from it.
Special Note: My first B/F! Go me! I have begun my journey through this
wonderful land of all things Faith and Buffy. I'm sure it'll be quite a ride.
Feedback: Yes! Give it to me...NOW! Even if it's bad things. I am all up for
the feedbacky goodness or badness if you end up hating it. I'm a tough girl.
"You did it," I managed to choke out, half relieved that my life, the living nightmare that it was, would finally be over and half stunned that the moment I had hoped would come since I was a child was finally here. I didn't know whether to laugh gleefully or to cry because as much as I hate to admit it, I was scared shitless of what would happen to me now. So I did what I do best and shoved all that down into the black hole of my mind where I stored all those thoughts and punched my murderer square in the jaw.
I paused for a moment, looking down at my wound, making sure it was really there. I could feel its searing pain and my hands were stained from the blood gushing out of it. I watched, awed, as the circle of blood spread, turning my white shirt to red. A dark sickening red as my life flowed out of me.
"You killed me," I told her, trying to convince myself more than anything else that this was true. She just stared at me in horror as I backed up towards the ledge, getting ready to jump. It was taking all my strength to stay standing and give Buffy one last speech before I would be gone forever. All my pain and suffering would finally be over.
"Still won't help your boy though," I added as the reason for my suicidal jump that I was about to take. "Shoulda been there, B. Quite a ride."
The last of my strength was gone with those few words. I let go at that moment and felt myself falling and for the first time in my life I felt free. I let my heavy eyelids drop down over my eyes and the last thing I saw before the blackness hit was the night sky.
Only question on my mind as the deep black engulfed me was, "Where the fuck is my life?!"
They say your whole life flashes before your eyes when you die so where was mine? Here I was, finally dead, and yet there was nothing but this black abyss. Was this Hell? Do only the good see their lives flash before their eyes? Not that it was such a big deal but I had always wondered when I was a kid what I would see when I died. I was always cheating death back then, you know? So I guess it's not that surprising that I would think about what would happen when I finally did die. Morbid thoughts for a morbid life, right?
I had always wanted to die. Death, I thought, would be better than life. Was I ever really living? There was nothing for me to live for in my life. There was no love, no hope, no joy, no reason so I hoped that some kind of Angel of Death would have mercy upon me and sweep me away because I was too much of a coward to take my life myself.
Little firecracker. That's what everyone thought I was. Always the little daredevil. Anything anyone dared me to do was no biggie. I could do it easy because I didn't care what happened to me. Diving off rocks at the quarry, jumping off the roof, standing in the middle of the road while a car came at me were all thing I did to attract that angel. I thought that maybe if I made it easy for him then he would be tempted. I was never brave or daring like they all thought, like even she thought, I was just trying to escape. Escape from the pain, the abuse, the neglect. Why couldn't I just die? I had everything but that sweet ideal. I had the bruises and the broken bones and the cuts. God I was pathetic. Even death didn't want me.
Death still doesn't want me. After all I did to B and her friends. After all the pain I caused them. After all I did to myself and death still doesn't want me. He still keeps sending my sorry ass back to life except now, life doesn't want me either. Life, death, it's all the same to me. I'm stuck here somewhere in between like some kind of ghost, haunting myself with visions of the person I never wanted to be. I think this is my punishment or maybe life is just waiting for me to get my shit together before it lets me back in. I don't blame it though; I wouldn't even let myself back in after all I've done this past year.
It's all my fault. I screwed up and now I gotta pay. She tried to be my friend, tried to help me, tried to get me to talk but I always pushed her away because I was afraid. I had given up on anything good that life could bring me. I ran from her. I made her feel pain. Hell, I even tried to get her to pay for the things I did by blaming her for them. I wish I could make things better with her. If she dies at the ascension, I'll never forgive myself. There must be some way to help, to make things better between us.
Something was different the second I made my choice. I thought that maybe death would finally accept me now that I wanted to live. I almost laughed at the irony of it all. With all the fucked up things in my life this would just be the icing on the cake. Yet somehow, I knew it wasn't death beckoning me, it was her. The darkness began to fade and I could see her standing alone bathed in bright sunlight. I made my way through the darkness and to her, my light, my love, my hope that things would get better and my chance to finally do what was right.
"Who's gonna look after him?" she asked as the cat I never had mewed sadly at her.
"It's a she," I told her as I walked up from behind her. I saw the flicker of grief in her eyes when she looked at me. She regretted killing me. I knew she was feeling guilty about it, but right now, none of that mattered. We would cross that bridge when we came to it. For now, we only had ourselves to worry about. I looked into her eyes, letting her know that she was forgiven, "And aren't these things supposed to take care of themselves?"
She looked at me with a confused expression contorting her features, trying to figure out where I was going with this. "A higher power guiding us," she said with an unsure tone to her voice. I had to laugh at her; she never was the brains of the gang which only made me love her more.
"Pretty sure that's not what I meant." I walked away from her as I said this and into the sunlight. It was nice to be here where it was so bright. I was tired of the darkness.
"There's something I'm supposed to be doing." Stopping the Ascension. She didn't have to say it; I knew what she meant. She didn't want to hurt me but we both knew that was the only reason we were here. I still felt a little bitter about it and before I knew what I was saying the words escaped my lips.
"Oh yeah, miles to go. Little Miss Muffet counting down from 7,3,0." I couldn't help how sarcastic it sounded. I guess the badass image was hard to shrug off even in a trippy dreamworld.
"Great," she said with equal sarcasm. "Riddles."
"Sorry," I quickly replied, mentally hitting myself for confusing her already. "It's my head. A lot of new stuff." It was true; I wasn't even sure why I said what I did. Maybe B was right about the higher power thing after all. I looked over at the window, which was still broken. So much pain that was all because of me and my stupidity. "They're never gonna fix this are they?"
My back was still turned towards her but I could feel the sadness she was feeling. "What about you?" she asked me with a pain filled voice. I was amazed by her. After everything, she was still worried about me.
"Scar tissue," I said to her, motioning towards my face. "It fades. It all fades." I could already feel some of the emotional scars I had fading away, all because she cared about me. It was time to make my move. This couldn't go on any longer or we would all be dead. "You wanna know the deal?" I didn't have to wait for an answer. "Human weakness. Never goes away...even his." I prayed to whatever higher power it was out there that she would understand what I meant. This dreamscape seemed to have a way of keeping me from being as direct as I would have liked.
"Is this your mind or mine?" she asked in amusement. She understood me.
I couldn't help but join her in laughing at our situation. I looked around at my apartment and let out a little bemused chuckle, "Beats me." I was finally beginning to feel the weight lift off my chest standing here with her; the one I had always loved from the moment I saw her. It saddened me that I had to make her leave but it had to be done. "Getting' towards that time."
She avoided my words this time, changing the subject to the jumble of boxes that cluttered up the room. "How are you gonna fit all this stuff?"
"Not gonna. It's yours," I said as I moved towards her, closing the distance between us. I wanted to kiss her so fuckin' bad right there.
"Well I can't use all of this..."
"Just take what you need." I paused, sad that the moment had come. I had done all I could do for now. I just had to hope that she would succeed...for the both of us. "Ya ready?" I asked as I placed my hand upon her cheek, touching her for one last time in case I never saw her again.
And then she was gone and I was left here standing alone. Slowly the room began to fade and the black was back except this time I was blessed by the ghost of the person I had always wanted to be.
I wanted to get the hell out of here. I could feel her in the room with me. This time it wasn't a dream but reality. She was so close to me and I screamed for my body to move, to do something to let her know that I was still here. The feelings pouring out of her broke my heart and once again I cursed myself for doing this to her.
Her sadness overwhelmed her. It seeped past her existence and poured into me. I wanted to escape and tell her it was ok but my body was an unmoving prison now and I was left in the dark while she mourned for me. Why was she sad? I forced her to stab me. I wanted her to stab me. Couldn't she see that? I'm supposed to be the sad one not her. I deserve it.
Then, the breath of an angel was upon me and all the guilt I felt because of her sadness drifted away into oblivion. Her soft lips brushed gently against my battered and bruised forehead. She was so careful not to damage my body any further. If only she knew that no matter what she did it would feel like heaven.
I'm not sure how I felt that kiss. I couldn't feel anything else in my body. My soul was still so far away; trying to wade through the quicksand that was desperately trying to suck it down. Her kiss brought me strength; it was like she was infusing life back into my dying body. Her love filled the empty shell and the quicksand started to dissolve and weaken its hold on me.
She left as quickly as she came but the time she spent with me was like an eternity. There were miles to go for us both. As she left to stop the Ascension, I began my own ascension back into the world. I could see the light ahead of me and the darkness behind me. I chose the light and never looked back once.
It never stops does it? That incessant beeping that makes me wish I could just regain the feeling in my fist so I could punch a hole in that damn beeping monitor.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I'm almost back now. I can hear the sounds all around me. The nurses and doctors checking on me and telling each other my case is hopeless, that they should just pull the plug.
I'M STILL HERE DAMMIT!
If only I could open my eyes. If only I could feel my body. I know it's gonna hurt like hell but I just want to get out of here. I need to find her. I need to see if she's ok. Time has no meaning to me in this state of consciousness. It could have been months or minutes since she lifted my spirits out of that black abyss with her kiss.
"Faith," whispered a voice.
It was her. She was here! Why couldn't I just open my eyes? My eyelids were so heavy, being forced down by imaginary weights.
"Open your eyes you stupid fuck!" yelled the little voice inside my head to my weary unresponsive body.
I heard her dragging a chair to my bedside and sitting down beside me. The light at the end of this incredibly long tunnel burned brighter as she took my battered hand into her perfect one. She barely grasped it at all in fear that she might hinder the healing process. If only she knew that her touch only helped me find my way back to her.
"It's me B-Buffy," she said in a trembling voice. Her voice cracked when she said her name as if she expected me to bolt up in my bed and strangle her. I mentally hit myself again for giving her that impression of me. It was never who I was; it was just the mask I wore to cover up myself from the world. In the end, my protective shield had only hurt me, had hurt us.
"I...I don't even know if you can hear me. Most likely you can't and this is just going nowhere," She paused for a moment, gathering up her courage. "But...but I have to try. I have to tell you what I never got to say."
"I can hear you B!" That's what I wanted to scream out if my vocal cords had cooperated with me. Why did I always have to be so stubborn? Maybe if I wasn't then I would be awake right now.
"God, Faith, I was so...so stupid. I should have seen you. The real you. Deep down, I knew there was more to you but I...I just couldn't go there yet." I didn't need be conscious to know she had started to cry. "I was just so scared. I...Faith...I don't really know how to say this..."
She began to nervously rub my hand with both of hers. I could feel her fear and apprehension. I tried to let her know it was ok. I was almost out of the darkness. I was so close. I was beginning to feel my body again. Ok so I could only feel the hand that she was squeezing tightly now but it was a start.
"I think...no...I KNOW...that I'm..I'm in love with you," the words slipped through her lips and trailed across my heart like little butterfly kisses and suddenly I wasn't sure where I was anymore. I was swirling out of control there was so much to feel. A throbbing pain hammered itself into my head; hitting it repeatedly and mercilessly and the weights from my eyelids seem to be weighing down my entire body now. It hurt so much but none of that pain really mattered because I was finally loved by someone. I was loved by the only person who ever mattered to me. I was finally free as the weight of my past lifted of my heavy conscience. My soul was flying now, hand in hand with hers.
"A-and you probably don't feel the same and you can't even hear me so why am I so nervous. Look at me, a shaking mess here waiting for you to laugh in my face even though laughing is probably the last thing you could possibly do and..."
Victory at last! I opened my eyes as she went on with one of her famous babbling sessions. "B," was all my hoarse voice could manage at the moment. I stared at her with unshed tears in my eyes, blinking rapidly at the sickeningly bright fluorescent hospital lights.
"Faith?!" her eyes lit up at my arrival back into the land of the living and she started crying even harder. "I am so sorry I..."
"Shhh...B...don't," I said, silencing her, and trying to gather up enough strength to say those three words back to my angel. With my voice barely a whisper I silenced her doubts forever, "I love you too."
We were both crying now. It hurt like hell to let all those pent up tears wreak havoc upon my body but we both had to do this. We had to let the past flow out from us so that we could start fresh. We would do this right this time.
She leaned over me once again, but this time it was to grace my lips with a soft kiss. My eyelids fluttered shut and once again I found myself dreaming, only this time, I was bathed in light and I knew I would wake up with her beside me. This time, I would cherish the life given to me.