She Who Was My Love
by Christopher Andrews
Rating: R
CHAPTER 11: Pain and heartache
Buffy's POV
What am I gonna do? How do I live like this? How do I live with all these thoughts and feelings? Knowing what I know, feeling what I feel. Being where I've… been. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this. But I'm here, and I don't have a choice.
I drop my head into my hands on the park bench.
I can't do this. I can't be here in this place, with these people. It's so hard just breathing when I feel this way. Empty, alone, trapped inside this shell. I can't live like this. I just can't do it. It hurts too much. But I don't get a choice. I have to live with it.
"Hey B mind if I sit down?"
Oh god… it's her.
"I'll take that as a no."
She sits down next to me.
"So how are you?"
How am I? I honestly don't know.
"Yeah well if I had been through what you've been through, I'd probably feel the same way."
What is she talking about? I haven't even said a thing.
"Look, Buffy…"
I finally look up at her.
"What do you want?"
She stops dead at my words, cold as they were.
Why does that make me feel good?
She looks at me confused.
"You know what I want B."
She reaches out to touch me and I get this horrible sinking feeling in me, making me slide down the bench a few inches to avoid her. Her hand freezes in mid-air and just hangs there for a few moments before pulling back.
"Buffy I'm sorry about what I said last night…"
Oh great.
"Not for the words themselves because I meant every last one but… I shouldn't have done that to you. It's just one more thing you didn't need to deal with."
Actually it made a few things perfectly clear.
"But I meant what I said about helping you through whatever you're going through."
We fall into silence together.
Oh yeah, this silence thing is really a big help.
"So what was it like?"
Did she really just ask that?
"What was what like?"
"Where you were… what was it like?"
I let my hair fall around my face so I don't have to look at her.
"I don't want to talk about it."
I don't ever wanna talk about it.
"Well, okay… you don't have to talk about it."
There's a long pause before she speaks again.
"You wanna do something? We could, go see a movie… or something."
A movie…? Don't think so.
"Or we could… Joyce said she was gonna make brunch later. We could go back home, have some good food."
Home… she thinks of it as home now does she?
"Or you know the ice cream place… remember the ice cream place? We could go get some ice cream, if you want."
I just want to be alone.
"Come on B, we'll go see the gang. See if there are any big evil things we can pummel for fun. His place is just around the corner."
"Yeah sure… whatever..."
"You know we don't have to if you don't…"
I stand up and start walking.
"Let's go."
She follows me.
God I wish she'd just leave me alone. I guess I don't have a choice in that either.
Tara's POV
"And she seems okay?"
Well there's a question that can't be answered easily.
"Yeah…"
I was wrong.
"I guess I mean she was kinda out of it for a while, quiet mostly. But she'll be okay."
"Will she?"
"Of course…"
"Buffy has clearly just been through an extremely traumatic experience. She may never come to accept what she's been through."
Willow seems to get more frustrated with every point Giles makes.
"She has Faith to help her."
"Faith herself has just been through a particularly traumatic experience. I highly doubt she is in any condition to help Buffy with her problems."
"She is, I mean, she will… Giles everything is gonna be okay. Faith is okay and so is Buffy, why can't you see that?"
"Because we are dealing with forces beyond our control, and when involved with such forces there are serious…"
"Consequences yes I know."
"Repercussions…"
Giles looks directly at me with his last word.
"I'm, I'm sorry… I t-tried to t-talk her out of, of it but…"
Willow puts her hand up to stop my apology.
"You don't have to apologise Tara. And you can skip the speech about dire consequences Giles Spike gave us the same high and mighty speech when we brought Buffy home."
"Spike…?"
"Yes and I didn't much appreciate it from him either. I know there are gonna be consequences to what we did, we all do and we'll deal with it when it happens. Just like Joyce said."
I should've tried harder.
"Joyce sees things through a mother's eyes."
I should've done more to try and stop this.
"Yet you left Joyce with the final decision."
"I did so because I believed as an adult Joyce would make the right decision. I realize now I was wrong."
There had to have been something I could've done.
"No, you didn't Giles. She made the right call for Faith and so did we. Now come on Giles, I don't wanna fight about this anymore. Can't we just be happy Buffy's back and leave it at that?"
Giles takes a deep breath and cleans his glasses.
"Having Buffy back makes me happier than I ever thought possible, but we still don't know where she was and how she's dealing with it. I have yet to even see her."
"Well you're in luck then…"
We all turn to see Faith and Buffy standing in the doorway.
"Cause here she is."
CHAPTER 12: Better things ahead
Faith's POV
We turn the corner on to Giles' street and walk toward his place.
We haven't spoken since the park. Partly because I don't know what to say but also because she said she didn't wanna talk about anything. Except I want to talk about stuff. I wanna talk about where she was, about how she's feeling, about how I'm feeling too. But she doesn't wanna talk, so I won't bring it up, despite my nagging desire to talk.
I never wanted to talk about stuff before. I was just fine leaving stuff in the past where they belonged. Now all of the sudden I gotta deal with stuff. I gotta learn and grow and all that crap. I care if she cares, I did it all the time before she… and it never bothered me before. I figured that's what two people in love do. But then she was gone and I still cared.
I still cared about the things she cared about. I cared about her friends, her family, about saving the world, and most of all I cared about her. My father, my mother, my watcher, I let them all go with little or no second thought about them. But Buffy? Buffy changed everything for me.
She didn't go away like the others. She crept inside every part of me and changed me for the better. I need to tell her that, but she doesn't want to talk. Least of all about herself.
We head up the stairs to Giles' place and I can almost make out an argument going on. We get closer and I know it's definitely an argument. I look over at B and she doesn't seem to care, even though I know she can hear it too.
Man I'm out of my league when it comes to touchy feeling sharing crap. I need help, maybe someone who knows Buffy better than me. I know B pretty well, slayerwise, we've got that whole slayer connection thing. But the truth is, most of the time we've known each other we've never been much more than enemies.
We never really took the time to get to know each other, which is more my fault than hers. And then we became something more. We became something incredible, and powerful to each other. Something I've never known before. I want that back. But I can't do it alone, I need help.
Joyce maybe? Course the way she was talking earlier made it sound like this is something I had to do on my own, so maybe not. Maybe Willow, her best friend. Or Tara… Tara helped us before, we might never have gotten together if she hadn't I might never have felt the power of true love. Tara will help, I know she will.
We get to the top of the stairs and I can hear Giles clearly as we enter the doorway.
"… I have yet to even see her."
It's a good thing I brought her then.
"Well you're in luck then…"
I put my hand against her back, almost presenting Buffy to her friends. But the touch of my hand makes her walk inward out of my reach. No one says anything so Buffy just stands there and waves.
"Hey…"
It's like her voice snaps them out of a trance.
"Buffy."
Willow is the first to crowd her followed by Xander and Anya while Tara hangs back a bit.
"Hey Buffy…"
"You don't wanna eat our brains do you Buffy?"
"Anya?"
"What? It's a legitimate question for a zombie."
"She's not a zombie Anya. Are you Buffy?"
Zombie?
"Xander! She's not a zombie."
Willow slaps Xander in the arm hard.
"Ow! Well come on Willow I mean she does seem kinda out of it."
Okay this is gonna stop right now.
I walk over and get between B and her friends. My closeness to Buffy makes her back away from me, putting more distance between us and her.
"All right guys hold up, just back off. She's okay, she's not a zombie she's just a little out of it cause of… you know, what she's been through."
They all seem to calm down slightly.
"Right…"
"Of course… so, how are you Buff?"
I turn 90 degrees so I can look at both Buffy and her friends for B's answer. She squirms like she's got an itch between her shoulder blades.
"Fine…"
I look at the gang and they seem unconvinced.
Yeah I don't buy it either.
Giles stands up from his chair respectively.
"Hello Buffy…"
He looks like he's too British to be happy to see her, but I can tell, and Buffy probably does too.
"Giles…"
Buffy walks over to him, completely ignoring us by going around us. She stops in front of Giles and he smiles British-like at her.
"How are you feeling?"
She takes half a step back and looks away sheepishly, not answering the question.
"I just… I don't wanna talk about it."
Giles glances at me and I give him a 'yeah I know' look. I walk into the living room where Giles and B are standing and the gang follows.
"So, what's been going on? Scary monsters? Apocalypse?"
Buffy sits down in an easy chair, probably to keep anyone from sitting next to her. I sit on the couch with her friends, which is as close as I can get to her for the moment.
"No, we haven't noticed any demon activity as of late."
"Yeah, demon tourism has been way down since you spent all that time slaying."
I wish people would stop bringing that up. I didn't do anything, not really.
Buffy speaks up.
"Down but not out."
"Yeah they still come around but Spike has taken care of anything that has."
Spike… right.
"Well we don't need Spike anymore. We've got two incredibly sexy vampire slayers to keep the demons away."
Everyone but Buffy smiles at my comment. Buffy just sits there as if she's thinking something over.
Don't push… just ask her if she wants to have fun.
"How bout it B? You up for a little slayage?"
"Yeah…"
She seems to snap out of her thoughts.
"I guess."
Good, she's up for it. We can get back to what we do best.
"Cool, so we can… you know go patrol and stuff."
She stands up.
"No it's okay. I think I'd like to patrol by myself tonight."
Alone?
I stand up too.
"Are you sure? I could come with you. They say two slayers are better than one."
"No, I think I just want to get back in the game. Get in a little action before bed."
I was kinda hoping for a little action myself, before, after and during bed actually.
"Then I'll come with. I've been keeping up on the action since you've… been gone. Maybe I could even teach you a few things."
"No I'll just… I'll do better on my, my own."
I guess she's not as up for it as I thought. Gotta remember not to push.
"Well okay… I'll stay here get the info on what's going on. Fill you in later k?"
"Sure whatever."
"Okay you should go."
"Yeah…"
She turns to the gang.
"I'll see you guys soon okay?"
"Uh, sure…"
"Of course, go…"
After that she all but turns on her heel and walks out.
"Okay I'll see you at… home."
She leaves and I feel like I should be stabbed in the gut… again. I sit down on the couch and hang my head.
"Faith? Are you okay?"
"Fine…"
"Right because we all believed it when Buffy said it too."
"How are you Faith?"
I lean back and let out a deep breath.
"Happy, nervous, terrified, joyful, kinda nauseous, while still being hopeful."
"I see."
"I suppose confused would be the short version."
"Why's that?"
"I don't know exactly. Twice now since she's been, back I tried to spend time with her and that's the second time she's found a way to bail on me. I can't help but think if I went for third time's a charm it might be going too far."
"She's only been back for less than a day Faith. She just needs some time to process everything."
Give her time, give her time everyone keeps saying I should give her time. I just wanna be with her.
"I just, I feel like I've done something wrong and all I want is to make it better."
Willow puts her hand on my shoulder.
"You didn't do anything Faith."
"Then why does it feel like I did?"
"Buffy loves you, you know that. We all know it."
I gotta wonder.
"Does she?"
"Of course she does. You have to believe in that."
"So you're saying I should have faith?"
I hear Xander stifle a laugh.
"I'm sorry…"
I look over at Xander and kinda half smile.
"It's okay, it was pretty much meant to be a joke."
I lean forward and fight back the urge to cry.
"What the two of you feel for one another should not be considered a joke however."
"That's right, you know what you have is right. That's what's important."
"I guess I'll just have to have faith…"
A chuckle as I sit up.
"Which is good cause we all know I've got loads of that."
We all smile at each other uncomfortably.
Okay so that only slightly lightened the mood. We should probably just get off the subject. I'm kinda tired of thinking about it anyway. I wanna focus on something else for now. I just have to hope that things will get better with time. Maybe I'll see about speeding things along later tonight.
"So, has Spike found any new evil brewing lately?"
Spike's POV
What is wrong with people these days? No one ever thinks about what they're doing before they do it. I may not be known as one of the great thinkers of our time but I know enough not to mess with darker forces than me. Bigger and badder forces are bigger and badder for a reason.
They like chaos, destruction, pain and heartache. Don't get me wrong I like the last two, but chaos and destruction? Not so much. That's why I helped Buffy stop Angel from destroying the world that one time. I'd rather the world stick around for a while, maybe for eternity if I manage to live that long.
The point is, whatever Red tapped into is not gonna be happy it got tapped and it's gonna push back. These Scoobies have no idea what they're…
"Buffy?"
I stop in the middle of the graveyard at the sight of the slayer a few feet away. She stops and rolls her eyes.
"Spike…"
"How's it going slayer?"
"Fine…"
I start to approach her cautiously.
"Then what's with the solo act? Shouldn't your better half be here with you?"
"Right… my better half, whatever."
Something must be going on with them already. Buffy being back, they should be all bells and sunshine. But they're not.
"Everything okay between you two?"
She starts walking away and I follow her tentatively.
"I don't wanna talk about it, especially with you."
Maybe she didn't tell her.
"Did she tell you?"
"Who?"
"Faith, did she tell you about me? About how I've been doing your job while you were out. Being all noble and fighting the forces of evil."
"Mom sorta, filled me in. She didn't happen to mention why though. Now that I think about it I gotta wonder myself."
Okay, the truth.
"Look, you and I aren't friends…"
"We're mortal enemies."
"Yeah well, Faith and I, we're not."
"You're friends?"
"We're not friends, not in the strictest sense. More like colleagues, or co-workers I guess. The point is I like her she's so much less of a bitch than you are."
"She can be a real bitch when she wants to be."
"True, but not with me. Which is weird cause she could be, me being a vampire and all but she ain't. She's pretty cool, for a slayer."
"I'm glad you like her, now go away."
"Hey I was just trying to be nice."
"And since when do you care about being nice? Or about anyone besides yourself?"
"You've been gone a while. Things can change in 3 months."
"You're a vampire."
"And?"
"Vampires don't change. They're evil, sadistic, and self-centered."
"So was Faith."
"What?"
She stops and looks at me.
"Faith, your big forever love girl. You remember her don't you?"
"Of course I… what does that have to do with anything?"
"She was evil, sadistic, and self-centered wasn't she?"
"How did you…?"
"Your mates told me all about her, especially since hers truly was quite non-verbal on the subject."
"Did you have a point? Or is bugging the crap out of me part of your whole 'turning over a new leaf' thing?"
"Thing of it is, I wanna help, if you'll let me."
"Really don't."
She starts walking away again.
This ain't gonna do nothing.
"Fine, go on then. Just trying to help."
Maybe I'll go talk with her better half later.
CHAPTER 14: All dolled up and no place to go
Faith's POV
When is she coming home?
I've been sitting here in bed, waiting for her in my best undies.
I've got myself all dolled up to look nice, make up, perfume, the whole nine yards. But I've been waiting here for hours, holding the sheets against my chest to keep warm until she gets here. She isn't here yet though. Where is she? Joyce told me she never stays out past 2 am, but it's 3:30 and she still isn't back.
I'm worried something might've happened to her, or worse something didn't happen and she doesn't wanna come home, doesn't wanna come home to me. I wanna be with her so bad but, she obviously doesn't wanna be with me.
I hear footsteps downstairs, they're treading lightly but my slayer hearing catches it clear enough.
It's her. I'm getting that down low feeling I used to get when she was around. God I missed that feeling. It always made me feel so incredible, so alive. There's only one thing that makes me feel more incredible, something I'm hoping will be happening as soon as she walks through that door.
I hear her make her way up the stairs and that down low feeling I get starts spreading through me. I feel her outside the door and it bugs me that she's just standing there.
It's like she doesn't wanna come in.
I sit up, letting the sheets drop to my waist and watch the door. She opens the door and the light shines around her like a beautiful angel.
She looks… tired.
"Buffy…"
She walks in and shuts the door behind her.
"Where have you been?"
She walks over to the dresser.
"Out."
She takes her shirt off, back to me, and pulls a pyjama top from the dresser. She puts it on.
"Are you okay?"
She takes out matching bottoms before taking off her pants and replacing them with the pjs, never facing me.
"Fine…"
Why is it I can never seem to believe her when she says that?
"I was worried."
She pulls the elastic out of her ponytail and puts it on top of the dresser before coming over to the bed.
"Well I'm fine, see? Now scooch over."
Scooch over?
She waves the backs of her hands at me and I understand. I move over to what I guess is my side of the bed and she climbs in. We sit together quietly me staring at her, her staring at her feet.
"Buffy…"
She turns away from me and lies down.
"Goodnight."
I slide down on to the bed trying to get comfortable. The feel of her lying next to me makes that impossible. I turn to her and kiss the back of her neck. She doesn't respond. I kiss her shoulder and again she doesn't respond.
She can smell the perfume on me, I know she can. She probably smelt it as soon as she came in. So why doesn't she care?
I reach out and caress her arm gently, and get nothing.
Come on B, give it up. We both know you want to.
I put my arm around her and press my nearly naked body against hers. I nuzzle my face into her neck and she finally squirms, but not in a good way. My hand moves down her stomach and slips under her pjs, against her panties.
"Faith…"
Gotcha.
I flick her earlobe with my tongue and she squirms uncomfortably. She pushes my hand away and moves her body away from mine.
"Buffy, what's wrong? Don't you want to…?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I said no okay? Just leave it."
"But…"
"Faith I'm tired, all I wanna do is sleep."
I slip my hand up under her pyjama shirt from behind and seductively push my way up and around her till I cup her lace covered breast in it. I gently kneed her breast, desperate for some sort of response.
"Bet I can change your mind."
"Not really."
I guess she really isn't in the mood.
I pull my hand away even though I don't want to.
"Are you sure?"
"Mmm-hmm…"
"Cause if you want we can…"
"Faith?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm trying to sleep."
I turn over in defeat and stare at the opposite wall.
"Right, sorry…"
She never used to be too tired. I know being dead must've been really hard for her but I thought, maybe if I got her in the right mood she might feel better. I guess I tried too soon. She's only been back for a day. She's still getting over, whatever it is she's getting over.
I shouldn't have pushed so soon, I should've waited. It was just, she's been gone so long and I haven't… I should've waited. I should apologize to her.
I roll over and am about to touch her.
Tomorrow… I'll apologize to her tomorrow.
I roll away from her again and close my eyes.
I can make things right tomorrow.
CHAPTER 15: Making things better tomorrow
Willow's POV
I snuggle up close to Tara as she climbs into bed.
I love this feeling. I don't know why exactly, but those first few moments when we get into bed together always feel extra special. Every moment with Tara is special but these moments are just, extra, somehow. Maybe it's cause this is the only time I get to feel this close to her, both physically and emotionally.
There's something about the way she looks I think. No make up no perfume, just 100% Tara goodness. She's not afraid to be herself around me and that just makes me feel incredible. Of course she doesn't usually seem so distracted when I do.
"Honey?"
"Hmm?"
She's definitely distracted.
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?"
"I don't know you just seem a little… somewhere else."
"It's nothing."
She never held out on me before.
"Really…"
"Yeah I, I was just… thinking."
Thinking?
"About what?"
"S-s-stuff…"
She's stuttering. She only stutters when she's nervous.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"It's nothing."
Nothing?
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah…"
It's like she doesn't wanna talk to me at all.
"Cause it sounds like something."
"I-it's ok-okay. D-don't worry about it."
It's me she doesn't wanna talk to. Why?
"Did I, did I do something?"
She looks at me for a moment and then away.
"No."
I did something.
"Cause I feel like I did something."
"Y-you d-didn't d-do anything."
"Then talk to me please? Tell me what you're thinking so I can help… please?"
"T-tell you? Like I don't have a c-choice?"
What?
"N-no, that's not what I… I, I just wanna help. What were you thinking?"
"It was just… Buffy."
Buffy?
I sit up and so does she.
"What about her?"
"I t-think something's w-wrong."
Wrong?
"What do you mean?"
"I d-don't know I just, I feel l-like something's wrong. Like I felt t-the way Buffy felt about F-Faith."
Why do people keep saying stuff like that?
"Buffy is gonna be just fine. Don't you see that? Buffy is alive and everything is fine."
"Except that, except that it's not."
"It is."
"Willow, you saw B-Buffy today. Something is going on with her, something bad."
"Okay so, maybe she's a little 'wigged out' but… that'll pass."
She lets out a deep sigh.
"I don't know that it will."
I can't keep having this conversation with people.
"Everyone goes through bad times in their lives. But the way they get through it is by having people who love them help them."
I reach over and take her hand.
"We are those people Tara. We can help her."
"But her life was over."
Tara lets go of my hand and pulls away.
What?
"You s-said, people go through bad t-times in their lives. But Buffy's was over. All those bad t-things were never going to h- happen again. That c-can't be easy for her."
"Was? Were? You keep using the past tense, maybe that's the point. She wasn't gonna have to deal with anything and now she will. Maybe that's what's bothering her. Maybe that's what you guys are picking up on."
"Maybe, I don't know…"
I think I'm right about this.
"But these are things that we deal with all the time. That Buffy used to deal with all the time. She just has to readjust to dealing with them again, that's all."
"I don't k-know if it's that s-simple."
"It is, I mean it can be. All we have to do is help her with it like I said."
Buffy means a lot to me and so does Faith. They're my friends.
"Okay…"
She doesn't seem convinced.
"Tara…"
I reach for her but she turns away and lies down.
"Like you said, we'll help her."
"T-Tara?"
"It's okay. Let's just, go to bed okay?"
She's still angry with me.
I lie down next to her and hold her to me.
"Okay Tara, I love you."
I kiss her pulse point and she fidgets.
"I know sweetie, I know."
She didn't say it back. She's mad at me more than I thought. It's gonna take more than I love you to make it better, but I will make it better. I'll make it better tomorrow. I have to find a way to make it better tomorrow.
Faith's POV
I stretch out in bed and yawn as I wake up.
Another wonderful day, in this wonderful world, with the most wonderful woman in it.
I open my eyes.
Who isn't here.
I rub my eyes to wake up a little more.
Her side of the bed is cold. She must've been up for a while. Why didn't she wake me up?
I run a hand through my hair, still a little curly from last night from when I got all pretty for her and she shot me down.
Don't be mad at her. She only shot me down because she's going through something. If this had been any other day, she would've hung me upside down by my toes and had me half way to happy land before the 10 minute mark of her walking through the door.
I stand up and stretch a bit more in the morning sun.
But it wasn't any other day, it was last night, and today is this morning and today is the day I make everything better. Today is the day my lover returns to me, the day she tells me what's been bothering her and I help her deal no matter what I have to do.
I take my bra and panties off as I move to the dresser and put new clothes on.
Buffy has given so much to me. She made me believe in love even when there was no reason to, even when I didn't want to. Buffy believed in me too.
I pull on my white muscle shirt and slip into my red leather pants. I stretch one last time before heading downstairs.
She believed in me when no one else would, and now I have to do the same for her.
I reach the bottom of the stairs and turn towards the great smells coming from the kitchen.
Joyce must be cooking breakfast. God knows Buffy could never make something that smells that good.
I walk into the kitchen and again I'm faced with the sight of Buffy sitting at the breakfast bar with a cup of o.j. in her hands, staring down at it. Joyce on the other hand is standing at the stove, flipping pancakes for I'm assuming both of us. I smile as Joyce notices me.
"Morning."
I move into the kitchen more to sit down next to Buffy.
"Morning."
I sit next to Buffy and she doesn't respond, again.
"Hey B…"
"Hey…"
I got a response. A response that didn't require her to answer a question, that's good.
"So why didn't you wake me up?"
I'm not making it into a thing, I'm just asking.
"Figured I'd let you sleep."
Oh, well that makes sense. Of course she's completely lying to me about letting me sleep. She's never lied to me before… except for that one time when I was evil, but she had good reason to lie to me then, and technically speaking it was more Angel lying to me than Buffy. But Buffy never lied to me since we've been together. Why would she start now?
Joyce comes over and puts a plate of pancakes down in front of me.
"Thanks."
"No problem, how many would you like Buffy?"
Joyce goes back to the stove to make some more.
"It's okay, I'm fine. Thanks."
"Are you sure? I don't mind making a few for you if you want."
"No, thanks…"
Joyce and I look at each other with concern.
You know I don't think I've seen her eat anything since she's been back.
"Have you even eaten anything since…?"
The look she gives me makes me trail off uneasily.
"I'm fine okay? Stop worrying."
Stop worrying? I don't think that'll happen.
"Okay, sure…"
I can't keep letting her shut me up like this. It's not gonna get us anywhere.
"So… what are you girls up to today?"
Right, up to… people do things during the day, they have lives.
Buffy just stares at her orange juice some more.
"Oh, well… Buffy if you want we could, um… Spike told the gang he got wind of a vamp nest downtown. I was thinking maybe we could… make a house call or something."
"Sure, whatever…."
"Good, good, we can go after breakfast."
"But, it's the middle of the day?"
"Good for us bad for them."
I look over at Buffy who rolls her eyes at me.
Aw come on, it's a classic joke.
"Oh I get it sunlight is bad for a vampire's complexion."
"Yup, makes for easy slayage."
And Buffy and I can get back to what we do best. Well, one of the things we do best anyway.
I check my lack of pockets.
"Hey B? I left my weapons upstairs, and if we're gonna…"
She gets up and heads to the stairs.
"I'll get them, maybe a few for myself even."
"Thanks B."
She didn't even look at me when she went up.
I cut myself a piece of comfort pancake and chew on it.
"So how are things between you two?"
Between us?
"I honestly don't know."
I cut another piece and just stare at it for a few moments before setting my fork down.
"I… I tired to talk to her like you said. I tried to, you know, let her talk on her own terms and all that but… she was all dodgy and stuff. It's bugging the crap out of me."
"I know Faith but…"
"I have to give her time. Time to let her come to me to talk about what's wrong. I just can't stand letting things go with her. I love her so much."
She turns to me and smiles compassionately.
"And that's why you need to let her come to you. She loves you too and sooner or later she's gonna realize that she needs you to help her through it."
I let out a deep breath and pick up my fork again.
"I just hope it's sooner rather than later. I hate waiting."
Buffy walks in, weapons in hand, and I start eating again.
"Got the pointy woodens, let's book."
Uh, okay.
"No, wait. You're not going anywhere until you eat some breakfast."
"It's fine Mom, I can do without."
Joyce walks over and leads Buffy to sit beside me. She puts a plate down in front of Buffy.
"You need to eat something. I won't have you go out slaying on an empty stomach, now eat."
Buffy is about to protest but stops and starts eating.
Hmm, the direct approach seems to work. Maybe I should try that later if the whole slayfest thing doesn't work out.
CHAPTER 17: Death was my gift, and you sent it back for credit
Author's Note: Starting with this chapter, Faith's theme will be Avril Lavigne's Why.
Faith's POV
"The place is just around the corner."
"Uh-hun…"
Okay here we go, B and I doing the slaying thing. Getting back to the routine of what we enjoy. It's gonna be great. The two of us back to back, fists flying, vamps dusting, everything a girl could want for a romantic day out. I should try to make conversation or something.
"Your mom was kinda harsh earlier don't you think?"
"Yeah well she can be that way sometimes."
"She's never been that way with me. She's always been really nice to me."
"You're not her daughter."
"No, I'm not. Felt like it though, when you were… you know. She took care of me like I was part of her… part of your family. It felt like I had a real mother, which is weird cause I never really had a real mother in the traditional sense. She was too busy passing out and overdosing on ecstasy to be any kind of mother."
I suddenly notice Buffy isn't paying any attention to me. She stops and turns to me, pointing at one of the buildings.
"Is that it?"
I look at the boarded up house.
No direct sunlight, abandoned type décor, on the right street.
"Yeah I'm pretty sure that's the place."
"Fine, let's go."
She starts walking to the house with purpose and I follow.
"Hey uh, I'm all for rushing in half-cocked and all, but don't you wanna, I dunno have a plan or something?"
"Nope."
Okay…
We walk up to the front door and she kicks it in. We go in as the sounds of vampires scattering make me smile.
"Rise and shine people…"
I look at Buffy to finish the line. She just rolls her eyes at me.
Aw it's no fun if she doesn't play along.
A couple of vamps come at us.
Okay, time for some good old fashion therapeutic violence.
I hit the vamp in the mouth as he comes at me and he wobbles a bit on his feet. I spin around for a roundhouse kick, which takes him off his feet long enough for a second vamp to attack me. I block a triad of punches, catching the third one to twist it behind his back.
I look at B who seems to be handling two vamps pretty well.
"Looks like you haven't lost your touch B."
I kick my vamp hostage in the ass and he crashes into a third vamp coming my way as the first one gets up.
"Yeah, good to know being dead doesn't take the edge off."
Was that a joke? I haven't heard her crack a joke since… Ow!
A vamp clocks me in the face from the side, knocking me down.
Damn it…
I throw my leg out to sweep his legs out from under him. I crawl over and stake him quickly as the second vamp regroups and comes at me. I kick him in the gut making him stumble long enough for me to get up, spin around and stake him. A couple of vamps get dusty from Buffy's violent outbursts as I look around for any more vamps.
Two of them make it out the other side of the house, blankets over them to avoid daylight. All of the sudden Buffy comes at me, fist drawn back. She hits me in the jaw and as I stumble back I see her punch a vampire beside me.
Ow! Why the hell did she…?
She stakes the vamp and looks around for other vamps to take on.
"Looks like we got `em all."
I rub my jaw.
I think she used a good dose of her slayer strength in that punch.
"Well yeah but…"
"Good, then we're done. I'm outta here."
She leaves the house and after a second it clues into me to follow her out.
She hit me, I'm not just gonna let that go.
"Whoa, hold up B, we gotta talk."
She doesn't even stop or look at me when she speaks.
"About what?"
About what? Which fight was she at?
"About what just happened back there?"
"What about it? Vamps are dust, we cleaned the nest out."
"Yeah but what about the rest?"
"The rest?"
"You know the part where you socked me in the mouth?"
"Again I say what about it?"
I grab her arm and stop her. She finally looks at me.
"B, you hit me."
"So what?"
"So we have to talk about it."
"I've hit you plenty of times before and we never talked about it. What's the diff?"
"There's a big difference B. For one thing you didn't have to hit me to get to that vamp. You could've said duck, or look out or something."
She starts walking again.
"There wasn't time."
Wasn't time?
I put myself right in her way to stop her from leaving.
"Don't give me that crap. There was loads of time for me to do something you just didn't want me to."
"What? That's crazy."
No, actually it's starting to make sense.
"Why would I wanna hit you on purpose?"
"I don't know B, why don't you tell me?"
"No, I'm not listening to this."
She tries to get past me but I stop her.
"And what's with this whole bailing at the first chance you get thing you're doing? God knows you hated when I did it all the time. I don't see why you think I would like it."
"Faith I have better things to do."
Again she tries to get away and I have to grab her by the shoulders to stop her.
"Talk to me B, lemme know what's going on."
She pushes my hands away.
"Why? Why should I? It doesn't make any difference."
"It does. It does make a difference because I love you. I love you and I wanna help."
"God you just, you don't get it do you?"
"I want to. I want to get it, but I'm only getting half the story. I need you to tell me the rest. I love you B."
"Okay could you … could you possibly get over yourself? Just for a second, and stop telling me how much you love me."
"Why?"
"Because it doesn't mean anything. This great incredible love you keep talking about? The one that changed you, that made you a better person? It doesn't matter."
What is she talking about?
"What do you mean? It does matter."
"No, it doesn't. No matter how much we feel. No matter how much we might wanna be together, it doesn't matter."
She turns away, frustrated.
"Why not?"
She punches me in the face, knocking me down.
"BECAUSE I WAS HAPPY!"
What?
"I… what do you…? I…"
"Yeah, I was happy. Wherever I… was… wherever I, went when I was… I was happy."
She was… happy?
"Oh god…"
I start to pick myself up off the ground.
"Do you feel better now? Now that I've told you the other side of the story? I was dead, and alone and happy, completely and utterly happy. I was warm and safe and surrounded by pure joy. And now I'm not."
I feel like I'm gonna cry, or throw up maybe.
"Now I'm cold, and hurting, and I feel like I'm gonna cry, all the time. And you wanna know why?"
Tears start pouring out of me.
"Ask me…"
I… I don't…
"Buffy I…"
She grabs me and shakes me.
"Come on, ask me why."
"W-Why?"
"Because of you!"
She shoves me hard and I almost collapse.
"Isn't that it? I'm back because of you, aren't I?"
"I… y-yes I'm…"
"It's all your fault isn't it?"
"Buffy I'm… I…"
She shoves me twice as hard as before.
"It's your fault. Say it…"
My knees get weak and she grabs me by the collar to look me in the eyes.
"B-Buffy…"
"I wanna hear you SAY IT!"
"It's m-my fault."
She lets go of me and I fall on my knees, trying to hold back the tears that I can't seem to stop.
"Yeah, it is."
I look up at her, a cold stare looking back at me.
"You get it now? Have you figured out why even the thought of looking at you makes me wish I was dead, again?"
"It's all my fault…"
I wipe away the tears in my eyes but that only makes me cry harder.
"I'm sorry."
"You're sorry. Wow! That makes everything all better doesn't it? You're sorry. Thanks SO much."
"Buffy…"
I reach out to touch her but she backs out of reach.
"Don't, touch me. If you touch me again, I'll kill you."
I… I have to make this better.
"Buffy… tell me how to make things better."
I pull myself to my feet.
"You can't. Not unless you wanna kill me."
I lower my eyes in defeat.
"I didn't think so. Stay away from me."
She walks past me and leaves.
"Buffy wait!"
She doesn't stop.
But then I wouldn't expect her to, after what I've done to her. She was happy. She was happy and I took that from her. How could I do that to her? I took away pure happiness and joy. God I, I have to… something has to be done. I have to talk to… someone. They have to know what I did.
Buffy's POV
I did it. I told her the truth. The truth about what happened to me, about where I was. Now she can go away and never come back. Bitch! All that crap she kept spewing about great love and how she couldn't live without me it just, pissed me off so much. It'll never last. It doesn't matter how much we want each other, one of us will sooner or later wind up dead and ultimately be better off for it. And I kinda hope it's me.
Faith's never been dead, she doesn't know what she's missing, I do. I've felt it every moment since I've been back. The pain, the emptiness, I feel alone in a room full of friends and it's all Faith's fault. I never would've been brought back if it weren't for her. I can't be with someone who would do that to me, someone who could rip me out of heaven just because they can't live without me.
I'm not stupid. I know that Faith didn't do the spell herself. She doesn't have that kind of power, but Willow wouldn't have done it if Faith hadn't asked her to, I know that much. This is all Faith's fault and I can't just let that go.
Faith's POV
This is all my fault. She hates me.
I walk up to the door of the Summers' home and I'm afraid to go in, even though Buffy isn't home.
I made the woman I love hate me. How could I do that? This is all my fault. If I had just tried harder or been a stronger person then none of this would've happened. Buffy would be happy and I… would still be miserable but, I'd know without a doubt that she loved me.
But now all I know for sure is that she hates me and it's all my fault. What do I do now? How can I go in there and tell Joyce I broke my promise to her? I promised Joyce I'd never hurt Buffy and I broke that promise. Now I have to face the music. Buffy hates me, any minute now Joyce is gonna hate me for hurting her daughter and I can only imagine things getting worse from here.
I start pacing back and forth outside the door.
I thought, I thought things would be better with Buffy back. She always makes things better, until now. I'm scared out of my mind…
The door suddenly opens and Joyce is standing on the other side.
"Faith…? What are you doing out here?"
Going insane?
"Nothing…"
"Well come inside, you do live here after all."
For now I guess.
I go in and she closes the door behind me.
"Can I make you some hot tea, or something to eat maybe?"
"No, I'm okay."
I'm so far from okay.
We walk into the living room and sit down.
"Okay, what's wrong?"
"What? Nothing… nothing's wrong."
"Don't give me that, something wrong and I wanna help."
Help… That's all I wanted to do for Buffy too, and look how that turned out.
"It's nothing."
"Faith did something happen?"
"It's just… I broke my promise."
I lower my eyes.
"Your promise…? Which promise is that?"
Gotta face the music...
"I p-promised you I'd never… hurt Buffy."
Joyce puts her hand on my shoulder.
"What are you talking about? What happened?"
"She, she hates me."
"Buffy? Why would you say that? She doesn't hate you."
"No she does, she really does this time."
"What happened?"
"It's all my fault. She blames me for it and she should. It's all my fault."
"What is? Faith you have to tell me what's wrong before I can help."
I lean on Joyce's shoulder as I feel the tears in my eyes.
"She was happy…"
"What?"
She puts her arms around me to comfort me.
"She, she told me she was happy."
"What do you mean?"
"B-Buffy… where she was when she, she was happy. It's all my fault."
"It's not Faith you have to stop saying that."
"But it is. I'm the reason she died, I'm the reason she was brought back. I'm the reason she hates me."
"Faith we've been through this."
She pulls me off her to look in my eyes.
"Buffy gave her life for yours because she loves you, and she still does."
"No she doesn't, she hates me."
She wipes away a tear on my cheek.
"She does not. She might be angry with you but she doesn't hate you. Buffy doesn't have it in her to hate someone, trust me I know."
"But, it's my fault."
"You can't blame yourself for what we did. We made the decision to bring Buffy back. Whatever is happening now, whatever Buffy is going through is our fault not yours."
"But you did it for me. You brought her back because of me."
"We didn't have to. We could've decided not to but we didn't that's not your fault."
We… she keeps saying we.
"What do you mean w-we?"
"It was me who made the final decision about Buffy. This is more my fault than yours."
"I guess, it's just… she blames me for being taken out of, where she was."
"She's angry, and she's not sure how to deal with it. She's lashing out at anyone in striking distance and you're the first one in range. She doesn't hate you and she's not angry with you specifically. She's just, angry. Give her time to deal with it and I'm sure she'll get better."
I feel the tears in my eyes go away slowly.
"You really think so?"
"I promise."
How does she make everything feel better when it's spinning out of control?
"Thank you."
I hug Joyce.
"Thank you."
"It's all gonna be okay Faith."
Just then, the door opens. It takes me a few seconds for me to remember to turn around. Buffy is standing inside the main hallway, staring at the floor with a thousand yard stare. I stand up to greet her.
"Buffy I…"
"Get out."
What?
Joyce stands up behind me.
"Buffy? How can you…?"
"I want her to get out."
She doesn't even look at us when she speaks.
"Go, leave, move out, whatever just… go…"
"Buffy, how can you talk to Faith that way?"
"I want her to go away, she knows why."
Joyce told me to give her time.
"I guess I should…"
I trail off and start to leave but Joyce puts her hand on my shoulder.
"No, Faith you're not going anywhere."
"Yes, she is."
"No Buffy she's not. Buffy this is my house and I say she's staying right here."
"I don't wanna look at her."
"Well sometimes people don't always get what they want in life Buffy, and I say Faith is staying right here with us."
I think I hear Buffy growl under her breath, probably at the thought of me staying here.
"Fine just, keep her out of my way."
With that, Buffy leaves and goes upstairs. I wanna go after her but Joyce stops me.
"Faith, no…"
I wanna go after her.
"But I…"
"I know, you want to go after her but that won't help."
Like she said…
"Give her time?"
She smiles at me.
"Yes."
"Okay but… where am I gonna stay?"
"With us, we have a guest room upstairs that we never use. You can stay there if you like."
"Okay, okay good I… thank you. I don't think I could spend a night too far away from her now that she's back."
Joyce puts her arm around my shoulders and leads me out of the living room and into the kitchen.
"Come on, we'll have ourselves some nice healing cookie dough ice cream and then we'll get you set up in the guest room."
"Okay…"
I guess this is why they say mother knows best.
CHAPTER 19: She was happy, but we weren't
Tara's POV
"She was… she was h-happy?"
Oh god…
"What do you mean Faith?"
Oh god what have I done?
"Where she was when she was… I think it was heaven."
I knew this was wrong from the start.
"Are y-you sure?"
I knew there was gonna be bad consequences, but this?
"Pretty sure, Willow. She, told me herself."
This is so much worse than what I could've imagined.
"But, I mean… no I, she w-wasn't…"
Willow doesn't wanna believe it, but it's real. Oh god it's real.
"It is Willow. Buffy told me she was happy, and she blames me."
"But… no she was, she was being tortured in an untold hell dimension, wasn't she?"
Willow's still in denial about it, that's what got us here in the first place.
"The only hell dimension Buffy's been to, is this one."
God it must be so horrible for her. I should have done more to convince Willow not to do the spell. Buffy and Faith wouldn't be going through what they're going through if I had done more. I can see the pain all around Faith and it's all about Buffy.
"This, this isn't a hell dimension. It's just a dimension, believe me I know the difference."
"Maybe… but after where Buffy's been this world has to feel like hell to her."
"We have to do something, something to make her feel better."
"And what would you suggest Xander…?"
"Well I don't know. Research is your department G-man."
"I don't believe there is a research department for something of this nature. Buffy's problem is emotional, not mystical. Research can not help Buffy."
"I figured that but… we still have to do something. We have to find a way to help her somehow. Buffy needs us to show her that things aren't as horrible as they seem. I mean I know that the world can seem really bad sometimes but, it's not all bad. There are good parts to it, really good. We should find a way to show her."
I don't know that anything will help.
"I um… I already tried…"
"You already…? Faith what, what do you mean you already tried? What did you do?"
Faith gets really uncomfortable.
"Stuff…"
"Like what?"
"Doesn't matter… it, it didn't work. I just, I don't think that we can help her."
"We can cause, cause we're her friends and… and we love her."
Willow still thinks this'll be okay, I'm not so sure. What Buffy's been through, what she's going through is worse than anything any of us have ever been through I'm not sure we can do anything at all.
"Love isn't gonna get it done this time guys. We need something more."
"More? What could be more important than love Faith?"
"I don't know but… I have to figure it out or I'm never gonna get her back."
"WE have to figure it out Faith. We're gonna help."
Are we now?
"Yeah cause, that's what we do. We help."
"I dunno. I think maybe I gotta do this on my own. Be all self- reliant and independent like. That's what slayers do right? They solve problems on their own, don't they? That's what Buffy does."
"Perhaps but one of the most important things that any slayer and Buffy in particular has done is ask for help when it's needed. Now Buffy is clearly reluctant to ask for help in this instance which is to be expected given her, circumstances. Our task now is to put our heads together and determine what course of action would be best to help Buffy deal with them."
"Okay but, how?"
Everyone gets very quiet at Xander's question, except Anya.
"Well um… what about, food…?"
"Food…?"
"Yeah, food is a comfort thing, isn't it? People who are depressed they eat food and they feel better. Isn't that what people do in this situation? Maybe we should do some sort of, food related gathering thing. Like that ritual sacrifice we had on thanksgiving that time."
Faith raises an eyebrow at us.
"You had a ritual sacrifice on thanksgiving?"
Xander steps in.
"No, no, no… we had thanksgiving dinner. Anya just thinks of eating the turkey as a ritual sacrifice. It was just dinner. Is that what we're talking about here? Just dinner? We're not looking to go all interventiony on her are we? Cause interventions never really work out when it comes to Buffy."
Faith sits back and lets out a deep sigh.
"No, intervention isn't gonna get it done either. If we're gonna do some get together thing it shouldn't be for intervention purposes. We just need to show her things aren't so bad, if that's even possible."
"We will try, not to worry Faith."
Giles might say not to worry but I can't help it. This is bad and I don't know that anything we can do will make things better.
Faith's POV
This'll be good, I think.
I walk into my room, next to Buffy's and I pace a bit.
I wonder if I should change, make myself look nice for the whole reassurance dinner thing with the gang. It sounds like it'll be an intimate sort of affair for a get together. No big rave parties in the Summers' residence I guess. Just me, Joyce, Buffy and the gang... It's like we're a family and crap, it's weird. I mean the guys are cool and stuff they've been wicked great through everything, but family?
Ain't they supposed to be blood? I never met any of my own blood, beyond my dead beat absentee dad and my drunken whore of a mother. I've got no clue how to act in a family. So why does it feel like this dinner thing is such a big deal? In all the time Buffy was gone we never got together like this. There wasn't even a wake after the funeral or nothing.
Now we're getting together for dinner and it scares the hell out of me. I'm all sweaty and itchy in all the wrong places and I'm scared. Since when does something as simple as dinner scare the crap out of me? Since I fell in love with B that's when... Course I don't think my being scared has anything to do with B in this sitch. It's the other people that are scaring me.
Giles, Joyce, Willow, Xander and everyone they're the ones who are scaring me in this one. B and I may be on the outs but we've been on the outs before and I have to believe that I'll find a way to get back with her, no matter what it takes. Even if I have to… god I don't even wanna think about it. It's too horrible even for me. I thought I was past this kinda thing. But I guess there are some things you never get over. Sometimes your reasons for them just shift. I should definitely change before dinner on account of my sweatiness, something nice maybe.
I head to the dresser.
Willow's POV
This'll be good, I think.
I pick up my hairbrush and start brushing my hair for dinner tonight.
We can spend time with Buffy, let her know we're here for her even if we don't say it straight out. And we are here for her. We're her friends and we love her and we wanna help her in her time of need. This must be so hard for her, being back after where she was. I bet she must be pretty angry with me cause of how it's my fault.
I was the one who brought her back. I kept insisting that everything was gonna be okay, that we were doing the right thing. And now Buffy's paying for it. Tara was right, I should've considered the options more carefully. I should've done more to help Faith in some other way. But I didn't, and now Buffy has to live with… god what was I thinking?
I wasn't thinking that's the problem. I didn't even consider that she might be in a better place. All I knew was that Faith was my friend and so was Buffy, nothing else mattered. Tara and Xander and even Anya tried to get me to reconsider but I wouldn't hear it. I was ready to jump into any plan without thinking as long as it helps someone and that was so wrong. I know that now.
I put the brush down and look myself in the mirror.
I should've known that then.
Tara walks in from the hallway.
"Tara?"
She doesn't say anything.
"Tara?"
"I… I c-can't…"
I walk over to Tara and she's real distant.
"You can't? Can't what Tara?"
"I c-can't go to this dinner."
What?
"What do you mean honey?"
"I can't pre-pretend that everything's ok-okay when it's, not."
"Of course it's not Tara, but this might make things a little better."
"I don't… I don't know that I can. I don't know that I can, look at Buffy without seeing what I did to her. The pain I've caused her."
She caused her?
"Tara what's happening to Buffy isn't your fault."
"Yes, it is."
"No it's not Tara I… it's my fault. I'm the one who brought her back. I'm the one who kept insisting that it was the right thing to do even though I think I always knew deep down that it might not be. You can't blame yourself for my mistake. If you need to blame someone for what's happening now, blame me."
She looks at me with painful fear in her eyes and it sends a chill through me.
She does blame me. She blames me for what's happening. Well why shouldn't she? It's my fault.
"Tara…"
"I… I can't… I can't go to t-this dinner and act-t like everything is okay."
She's not talking about Buffy anymore.
"I just, I can't."
She turns away and walks out.
"Tara please I… don't…"
She doesn't stop.
Oh god I, what have I done? Not only have I made Buffy and Faith's life a living hell but, I just might've destroyed my own relationship in the process. What have I done?
Buffy's POV
Why are we doing this? We're having dinner. Like I don't know what that's about. We're having a big important dinner with all my friends and family so we can talk. So we can talk, probably about the 'horrible' things I said to Faith and why I said them. God do I not need this.
I don't wanna talk about my feelings. I don't care that I hurt Faith's feelings either. She needs to deal with what she did to me, like I'm trying to. I don't wanna have a nice civilized dinner on the pretence that everything's fine just so they can ambush me with a bunch of questions I don't care about or even wanna answer. It happened… I was dead and now I'm alive. I'll just have to learn to live with it, no matter how much I don't want to.
Mom comes in, rushing around to get ready for the dinner party.
"You know it wouldn't kill you to help out."
I roll my eyes at her and stand up from the breakfast bar chair.
"It might be better if it did."
She puts a pile of plates down angrily.
"I didn't mean it like that."
I pick up the plates and head to the dining room to help set the table.
"I know you didn't. That doesn't make my feelings on the subject any less true."
Mom follows me in with a bunch of cutlery.
"Buffy, Faith told me what happened. She told me what you told her and I want you to know I'm sorry."
Ain't that nice?
I start putting plates at each chair.
"Thanks, I feel all better. You've really put things in perspective and I've grown as a person. Can we stop talking about it now?"
She sets down a knife and fork on either side of the plates I put down.
"That's not why I'm sorry. I'm not sorry because I feel it's my fault and I want to feel better about myself. I'm not sorry because I know how you feel because I don't. I'm not even sorry because I wanna help you, because I'm not the one who will. I'm sorry because I love you and no one should have to go through what you're going through."
"Well it seems no one took that into account BEFORE they did this to me."
"Buffy…"
I stop helping.
"And just out of curiosity who is it you think is gonna help me with my little problem?"
She stops.
"You know who can help you Buffy."
"Oh, of course… it's Faith. Why because she loves me…?"
"Yes."
"Right yeah, she loved me so much she had Willow bring me back to this hell place so she can love me more. Hmm, maybe I should give them both fruit baskets."
"No Buffy, she loved you so much she wanted to kill herself."
What? Kill her…
"That's right, she wanted to be with you so badly she was ready to slash her wrists and bleed to death to make it happen. Faith never asked us to bring you back, she would never do that. We brought you back because we couldn't see any other way to keep Faith from ending her life."
"So… it was more her fault than I thought."
"What? Buffy no that's…"
"She pushed my friends into doing something dangerous and royally stupid just cause she couldn't live without me."
"Buffy I know you're angry and in pain but finding reasons to blame Faith won't help anything."
I go back to setting the table. I put the rest of the plates in their place.
"Why because she's the one whose gonna help me?"
"Yes…"
Mom finishes putting out the utensils.
"Faith knows about the kind of pain you're dealing with."
"Really? Because she seems pretty okay to me..."
"She's masking her pain because she wants to help you. How the two of you feel shouldn't drive you apart, it should… Faith…"
What? Oh, she's here and she looks… kinda nice, I guess. She's wearing a pair of corduroy pants and a nice shirt. Probably thinks it'll help her win me back. Bitch.
"You look nice."
Faith looks at me trying to gauge my reaction to what she's wearing.
"Yeah, I figured with the whole gang coming by for dinner and all I might wanna look nice."
What a lame excuse.
"Well you do. Doesn't she honey?"
Whatever.
"I figure I should come down here and see if you wanted any help setting up for dinner."
"Of course. We could always use an extra pair of hands."
Oh great, it's bad enough I gotta spend a whole big meal with her. Now Mom wants me to spend the hour before dinner with her too? Not gonna happen.
"Tell ya what, she can take my spot and I'll go… do something else."
"Like what honey?"
I start out of the dining room to go upstairs.
"I don't know maybe I'll go…"
I catch a big whiff of perfume as I pass Faith.
"Take a shower, like Faith did."
"Oh, well okay. Thanks for the help."
I make my way up the stairs.
"Yeah sure whatever."
God do I not need this crap.
...continued in chapter 21...