She Who Was My Love
by Christopher Andrews
Rating: R
Faith's POV
Well here we are. The whole gang, minus Tara anyway. All of us here together eating a really great dinner. I didn't know chicken and ribs could taste this good. I wonder why Tara didn't come. She seemed pretty broken up when I told the gang where B was when she was dead. Not that the others didn't take it hard it's just, she seemed to take it harder than I did, and I took it really hard.
I was hoping she'd be here tonight. I thought she might be able to give me some other way out of my situation with B. But as it is I've only got two options and this one isn't going so well. I was hoping when Anya suggested the whole dinner thing, scary concept as it was that being here like this might help B feel better. But I don't think it's going very well. None of us have said a word to each other since the portions were handed out. I think we're just afraid to say anything, I know I am.
I'm afraid to talk about the one thing we all wanna talk about. But this isn't supposed to be an intervention. It's supposed to be just dinner, except that it's not. We all know it's not just dinner but no one is gonna say it. We can't have something as simple as just dinner knowing what we know, feeling what we feel. Every one of us feels responsible for this forced silence we've all stumbled into. Everyone but Buffy anyway.
Buffy's just really pissed at all of us. She didn't ask to be here. She didn't ask to be brought back. This whole problem we're having isn't really about B anymore. It's about us, and what we did.
God, I've gotta stop obsessing about the problem and start concentrating on how to fix it. Especially if I have to fix it the way I think I do. I don't want to do it that way, but I may not have a choice I love her too much to let her keep suffering this way. I couldn't stand it if she spent the rest of her life hating me, it has to end. One way or another it'll all be different tonight.
"So Willow, what happened to Tara? I thought she was coming."
Good question Joyce. At least it'll give us something to talk about.
"She was she just… she wasn't feeling well."
"Really? She seemed quite well when we saw her earlier."
"Yeah well she's been sorta off and on these past few days and tonight she felt worse than usual so… she didn't wanna ruin the occasion."
Oh I get it. Tara 'hasn't been feeling well' since bringing Buffy back. I know how she feels.
"Well that's too bad. It would've been nice to have her here. I hope she feels better soon."
"Yeah I, I'm sure she will."
"What about you Xander? I hear you're doing construction now. How's that going?"
"Hmm? Oh it's going pretty good. At first I didn't know what the hell I was doing, but I think I'm getting the hang of it now. I just gotta keep reminding myself to measure twice and cut once."
"Plus he looks really hot in that tiny little muscle shirt he wears."
Okay that was a little more information than I needed to know.
"Um, okay. Well I'm glad you're enjoying yourself."
"God do you, do you hear yourselves?"
I knew this wouldn't last long.
"What do you mean B?"
"Acting like this is just dinner between friends when we all know that's a load of crap."
Willow tries to interrupt.
"No Buffy that's not…"
"This is the icing on the cake so you can ambush me with a bunch of questions I don't wanna answer."
"Buffy we just…"
She stands up and it makes me stand up too.
"Let's just shorthand the whole deal shall we? I don't want to talk about where I was. I don't wanna talk about my feelings, I don't care that you all feel bad that I feel bad. I just wanna live with it all and move the hell on okay?"
"But…"
"No, I don't care what excuse you have or what apology you wanna make, I just… I don't care."
She turns and walks out.
"B, wait…"
She doesn't stop. I start to go after her.
"Faith, stop…"
I can't stop.
"I have to go after her alone."
"Maybe we should come with you."
"Right because the whole dealing with it together thing worked so well."
I shouldn't have said that.
"I'm sorry… I know you're only trying to help."
"And we still are."
There's only one way to fix this now. The one way I know I don't want to.
"Yeah we'll find another way."
"No… no I, I'll deal with this my own way. Just, finish eating and go home. I'll make everything right."
I walk out to the kitchen and pick up a knife.
This all has to end tonight.
I go looking for the woman I love.
Faith's POV
Where the hell is she? It's been over an hour and I haven't felt so much as a twinge. She can't have gotten far from the exactly 30 seconds I was delayed in going after her. But I can't seem to figure out where she went. It won't end tonight if I can't find her. This has to end no matter what it takes, even if I have to… wait, is that what I think it is?
It's her, I can feel it. I just can't figure out… She's going back. I know that crypt, this cemetery. She went back to where it all started, to where this problem all began.
I break into a run toward B's gravesite.
This is perfect, in a twisted sorta way, it'll end in the same place it began.
The feeling I get when she's near gets stronger and I look around. She's standing about 20 feet away, staring down at her grave. I walk over and stand next to B.
How do I even start a conversation like this? Knowing how it'll end.
"This is where it happened, isn't it?"
Maybe I should just let her do the talking.
"I know."
She throws her head back and lets out a deep sigh, never looking at me.
"You know… what do you think you know?"
Okay, maybe I'll be the one talking.
"This is where it all went wrong."
I look down at the gravestone, covered in dried blood.
"Your life, that's what you meant right? This is where your life went wrong. Kind of ironic if you think about it, your grave being the place where your life went wrong."
"So you know, so what? Doesn't mean a thing."
Okay she's not gonna do this. We're not gonna keep having this conversation where she blames me over and over.
"Maybe not to you, but it does to me."
"Does it? Well then it's a good thing I don't care what you think."
"I guess so. Course this isn't just about you."
She finally looks at me.
"Really?"
"Yes really. I'm part of this too."
She turns her whole body to face mine.
"And how do you figure that?"
"Because you blame me for what happened, and that means I have to make it right."
"Oh yeah? Cause I thought I made it pretty clear I didn't want you involved at all."
"Too bad, because you don't get a choice in the matter. I'm part of this whether you like it or not."
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
She rolls her eyes at me and starts to leave.
"Not this again. I thought we settled this."
I grab her and turn her around.
"No, Buffy you need to hear this. I love you B. I love you so much it hurts inside when I'm around you, and it hurts worse when you're not. You make me wanna be a better person… for the most part anyway, and that's why I can't just let what we have go..."
"I don't see you getting a choice."
Okay fuck this. Let's just skip to the big finish.
"All right fine. You wanna blame me? Go ahead."
"Didn't I already do that?"
I shove her back toward her former grave.
"Yeah but this time we're gonna have it out."
She looks at me confused.
"Come on B, hit me."
"What?"
"You wanna hate me? Do it… hit me."
"I'm not gonna hit you Faith."
I shove her again and she barely manages to avoid falling over her own headstone.
"Why the hell not? It's my fault isn't it? I'm the reason you don't want to be here so just shut up and hit me."
She has to think about it for a second before answering.
"No."
"You know you want to, just do it. If you don't hit me you know I'm gonna hit you."
I walk up to her and she doesn't back off. I get this tingly feeling at being this close to her.
"No, you won't."
"Why not? I've done it before."
"Things were different then."
"Yeah and they're different now too. If we're not gonna talk away your pain, and you don't seem to wanna fuck away your pain. Then I'll just have to give you a whole lotta outer pain to shut you up about your inner pain. Sound like a plan? Good, so come on…"
I step back to goad her into it.
"Hit me…"
"No."
"All right."
I slug her in the jaw.
"Come on."
"No."
I punch her in the face a little harder.
"Stop Faith…"
"Make me."
I go to punch her again but she blocks it with her forearm.
"Fine."
She punches me between the eyes but I shake it off quick.
She's not even trying.
"Again… hit me again."
"Fuck you Faith."
"You didn't wanna do that remember?"
She hits me again and I smile at her.
"I thought you said you were angry with me?"
I let her punch me in the jaw one last time.
"I am."
I block her next punch and hit her twice as hard as she's hit me so far.
"Then show it… hit me."
She hits me a little harder this time but still nowhere near her strongest.
Maybe she's not as angry with me as she thinks. Doesn't change what I gotta do.
"I said hit me not cuddle me B."
She puts her full force into this one.
Ow! Here we go.
"There's my girl."
I hit her back just as hard and she stumbles.
"Come on B, let out all that anger will ya?"
She throws a right and left, both connecting.
"Put it all on me baby."
She follows up with a 3 punch combo but I dodge the third one and fight back with a one two punch combo of my own.
"What do you think this is gonna solve?"
She hits me with a body shot.
"Dunno, maybe nothing. But at least it'll be over, one way or another."
She hits me in the face and again in the stomach, making me grab my stomach and lean forward a bit. I look up at her as she puts her hands together above her head for a double fisted hit but I throw my arms up and block it.
I kick her in the stomach to put some distance between us but the force of the kick pushes her into the gravestone and she falls over it on to her back. She grabs her back as she tries to get up but has to settle for sitting up because of the pain.
"So what are you gonna do? Tell me you love me again?"
"No…"
I pull out the knife from my belt and jump the headstone, landing on top of her.
"I'm gonna kill you."
I bring the knife down and she grabs my wrist to stop me.
"What are you… what are you doing?"
"I thought that was obvious."
I put more weight behind the blade.
"Why?"
"Don't make me do the speech again B."
"You're not gonna do this."
"Did you forget who I am? I'm a murderer B. It's what I am it's what I always will be. Killing people is what I do, you'll just be one more to the list."
She gets desperate, panic in her eyes as she tries to fend me off but every time she does I put more power behind it to stop her.
"Faith, please…"
The blade starts to get real close as the pain in B's back starts to take its toll.
I have to do this, it's the only way.
"This is what you wanted B, isn't it? I'd do anything for you B, and you said the only way I could make this better is to kill you…"
I press the blade against her throat.
"So that's what I have to do."
"Faith, please… don't."
I feel a tear roll down my cheek.
"Why not? This is what you wanted, isn't it?"
"No, it's not…"
"Why?"
"Because I wasn't happy."
What?
I ease up the pressure on her throat.
"You said…"
"I know what I said… I lied…"
"Why? Why would you lie about something like that?"
"Because… because I was, I was safe and warm but I wasn't happy. I couldn't be."
I drive the knife into the dirt next to her head and roll off her.
"Why would you say something like that?"
"I don't know, I… I guess, coming back from the dead messes with your head."
Where was she then?
"So where were you? Hell? Like Angel was?"
"No… it was heaven. At least, I think it was. I don't know much about religion or theology but where I was, it's what I imagine heaven would be like."
"Except you don't have to imagine… so if you were in heaven then, why weren't you happy?"
She takes a long deep breath and I look at her.
"Something was missing."
She looks in my eyes.
"You, were missing."
Me?
"I was there a long time, not that time had any meaning. But it felt like forever because I could never let go of whatever it was that was missing."
Whatever it was?
"But you said…"
She looks down at the headstone of her grave.
"I didn't really realize what was missing until I was back, what it was that was keeping me from being happy."
"It was me."
"I saw the look on your face that first night. That's when I knew."
It really was my fault.
"I'm sorry."
She sits there silently for a few seconds.
"No Faith, you were right. What happened to me wasn't your fault, it was mine."
"It was nobody's fault B, least of all yours. Willow was the one who did the spell, and she did it for me. You had no control over that."
"That's not what I meant."
"It's not?"
"Not being able to let go. Not being able to be happy without you. That's my fault."
I get this sinking feeling in me.
"I see… so that's what it all comes down to does it? Your feelings for me, kept you from being happy."
She doesn't say anything.
"Well maybe you were right then. About the whole me moving out thing. Maybe I should just go, leave town so we can learn to live without each other."
"Faith…"
"I mean, it uh, it could be good for both of us."
"Faith…"
"Cause you know, what we have obviously isn't doing you any good. And me well hey, you know…"
"Faith?"
"Yeah?"
She rolls on top of me and before I know it her lips are on mine, her tongue pushing itself inside my mouth.
God I… it's been forever since I felt her touch me this way. It's been forever since I've felt anyone this way. Wait what am I doing?
Her hand slides down my body until it rests against my hip.
Why is she…? After everything she just…
I push her back, even though every inch of me is screaming not to.
"B, what are you doing?"
She licks her lips.
"Kissing you?"
"I get that. What I don't get is why."
Her hand drops between my thighs and I can't help but moan at her touch.
"To feel?"
She rubs her fingers against me.
"I wanna feel something good, something real."
She kisses me again and I have to stop her.
"You said you'd do anything for me."
She leans her whole body against mine and I can't help but want her right here, right now. She sucks on my bottom lip.
"B I…"
She moves down to my neck. She whispers in my ear as her hand pushes its way up under my shirt.
"Help me now…"
"B…"
She kisses me deep and I just know I can't turn her down, but not here.
"I want to B. I really do, but not here."
She seems to roll her eyes as she pulls back off me. I sit up as she stands and offers her hand to help. I take it and she pulls me up so fast and so close that her leg slips between my thighs. I gasp at the contact. All of the sudden she pulls away and starts walking.
"Let's go."
I blink and then follow after her.
Author's Note: Surprises happened all the time on Buffy and as such I think it's important to put them in my fic from time to time. Course the name of the chapter and this little author's note means you'll be expecting the surprise but (with the exception of one or two of you) I'm hoping the surprise will be a surprise all the same.
Willow's POV
Where is she? She's always here before midnight. She never stays out past midnight, not even to study. Staying out after dark is a risky thing to do in this town, unless you're a slayer. Even with the dwindling demon population it's still not a good idea. I went by the library just to see if she was there… nothing. Where could Tara have gone? It's starting to really bother me. She hasn't called, there was no note waiting for me when I came home. I suppose I could do a locator spell but…
There's a knock on the door and I jump out of my seat at the edge of the bed, near sprinting to the door and opening it.
"Tara?"
It isn't until I speak Tara's name that it clicks in that Tara would never knock on her own door.
"No, Willow it's just me. Tara's not here?"
"No, she's not I… Joyce what are you doing here?"
"Well, I couldn't just sit at home and wait to see if my eldest daughters came home on their own so I went out looking for them."
"Did you find them?"
"No, but I found myself searching near the campus so I thought I'd stop in and see if you'd heard from them and maybe check on Tara."
Check on Tara?
"Oh, well I haven't heard from them but please come in."
I move out of the doorway and let Joyce in. I close the door and follow her in.
"So Tara is feeling better?"
"Hmm?"
"At dinner, you said Tara wasn't feeling well."
"Oh, right… yeah I, she's feeling better."
Joyce looks at me with a concerned smile.
"Is everything all right between you two?"
"I, I don't know… I don't think so but, well she's not here so I can't ask her."
Her concerned smile quickly turns to just concern.
"What happened?"
"It's not important. There are bigger things going on."
"Willow? What happened?"
I take a deep breath.
"It was… the spell."
Joyce's smile returns slightly I'm sure only for sympathy.
"Ever since the spell things have been, different between us."
"I'm sorry…"
"I mean I know what we did was wrong. I know that bringing Buffy back from where she was makes it so much worse but… can't we just, get past it somehow? Can't we just learn from it and move on or something?"
She puts her hand on my shoulder.
"I don't know… we all knew there would be consequences to what happened. Tara might not get over this, then again she might. You'll just have to hope that she does."
"But I love her."
"Then you'll just need to give her time."
"I, I don't want to. Isn't there just some way I can just make it all better? Just like that?"
Her sympathy face makes me realize how bad an idea that is.
"I know, there isn't. I just wish things could be better now."
She pulls me into a hug for comfort and it does, sorta.
"Tell ya what? Why don't you come with me and we can check some of Tara's hangouts? See if we can find her?"
"Okay…"
We start to head to the door.
"All right, let's go looking for Tara."
I just want things to be better between us… soon.
Buffy's POV
I grab the neck of her shirt and pull into the house, kissing her as much as I can before she crushes me against the wall next to the stairs. I put my hand up against the wall as she grabs my thighs and hoists me up against it.
"Mmm, Buffy…"
"Ssh…"
I push myself off the wall and wrap my arms around her neck to lead her to the stairs. We fall on to the stairs, making out intense-like.
This feels so good. It's the first good thing I've ever felt since…
"Buffy… Buffy you feel so…"
"Ssh, don't speak…"
We start to make our way up the stairs stumbling and groping along the way. She tries to speak between tongue wrestlings.
"It's just… it's been so long since I… since we…"
"You mean, you haven't…"
We make it halfway up the stairs.
"Never… I would never, do that… to…"
"Ssh, no talking… just kiss me…"
We get to the last few steps and we trip over it on to the floor. I grab her by the shirt and we pull ourselves to our feet. I push her into the wall outside my bedroom door. All of the sudden she comes walking down the hall toward the stairs. Faith and I are a little too wrapped up in our own thing to really care what she's doing. I shove my hand up Faith's shirt to grab her breast.
"God can't you guys at least wait until you get in the room before you do that stuff?"
We stop kissing each other long enough to have the same thought.
"Shut up Dawn."
Dawn's POV
They're at it again. The moaning and groaning and pounding from the next room starts up again and I just know they're doing it again. How long are they gonna keep going like that? I bet they know I can hear them and these last few times were just to make me insane. Buffy's always doing that, making me crazy. I should just go over there and interrupt them just to bug the crap out of her. She'd do it to me if I was having crazy naked sex with some girl.
But then, Buffy would never let me get close enough to a girl to have crazy naked sex with one. Not that I wanna have crazy naked sex with a girl… well maybe once, when I'm in college or something just to see how it feels. And when Buffy's too much of an old lady slayer to stop me. But until then I'm in strictly an all-boys state of mind. Not that either Buffy or Faith would let me get close enough to a guy, even if I wanted to. Which I don't.
Oh wait, I think they've stopped. Now maybe I can get some sleep. Ugh, I was wrong. I guess they were just taking a 30 second breather or something. God, I know they both have slayer endurance and all that but don't they have to sleep at some point? I know some of us would like to. I should go in there and break up the Slayer Sexcapades. But then again maybe I shouldn't I mean, they've been going through a rough patch lately what with all the Buffy coming back from the dead drama.
It certainly didn't help things between them. I don't know what happened exactly. They don't tell me stuff. All I know is Faith spent the last few nights on the couch. But what about me? My sister dying wasn't exactly fun for me either. When she died? I cried so much I didn't think I'd ever stop, Faith just started killing things with her bare hands. She was so insane, going out every night the way she did. Maybe even more insane than when she killed people for the mayor.
She wouldn't even talk to me. She'd run off every time I tried. Then she went and locked herself in her room for like, ever. I tried to talk to her even then and she just shut me out. She wouldn't even open the door to talk to me. Then, next thing I know, Buffy's back from the dead.
You know Faith wasn't such a bad person way back when, before she went insane. I remember back when Faith came to Christmas dinner that time. She got me the coolest little necklace thing, it was a silver one with a small cross. She kept saying how crappy the gifts were but I loved it. She got Buffy a mood ring, which was just so ironic cause of how Buffy's mood is always changing moment to moment.
Oh man, I spent so much time reminiscing I almost didn't notice there hasn't been any noise from next door in like a whole minute. I might actually get to sleep before 3am.
I curl up in my bed and close my eyes.
They must've gotten too tired and passed out or something. I just hope they stay that way long enough to let me get some decent sleep. The second one of them wakes up I just know they're gonna wake me up with the noises they make.
Willow's POV
I can't believe Tara's not home yet. Joyce and I searched everywhere for the three of them. I even did a locator spell but it went all wonky. That just makes me feel even worse about her not being here. Joyce dropped me off before going home herself. Buffy and Faith will come home eventually, as will Tara. Plus Joyce got really tired and I gotta admit I'm tired myself.
I just don't think I can sleep without her. We haven't spent a night away from each other since we realized just how we felt for each other. Then again, I don't know if I could sleep even if she was here. The way she left earlier fills me with dread. What if she never gets over it? What if Tara leaves me because of the spell? I, I couldn't stand that. She's my whole world. If she left me I'd just, I'd go insane.
I can't let her leave me.
The doorknob turns and the door opens.
"Tara?"
She walks through the door.
"Yeah, it's me."
Oh thank god.
"Where have you been?"
"O-Out…"
"Where? Where did you go? I looked everywhere I could think of but you weren't there."
"I know I, I needed some time to think."
Time to think?
"About what?"
"It's not important."
"But I… Tara I was worried."
"I know, I'm sorry."
"Well, where did you go? Cause, I tried a locator spell but, it didn't work. And then, I tried that lost spell we made so we could find each other if we ever got separated but, it didn't work either."
"I know."
"You know?"
"I used a deflector spell."
"A deflector spell? What's that?"
"It's anti-magic. I used it to keep you from finding me."
"W-I… why would you wanna do that? I thought, I thought something might have happened to you. Something really bad."
"It's like I said, I needed time to think. And I figured you'd use magic to find me so I used the anti-magic to stay hidden."
Why hasn't she looked at me since she came through the door?
"Well, where did you learn anti-magics?"
"Mr. Giles showed me."
Giles?
"But why?"
"Well, back when we were researching the resurrection spell for Buffy, I realized there was no way I was going to catch up to you in the magic department. So I asked Mr. Giles to help me learn some anti-magic in case of emergency."
"Emergency?"
What kind of emergency could we have?
"In case we came up against someone with stronger magic than us. We'd need a way to protect ourselves."
"Oh, but… why use it on me?"
"Look can we just, go to bed right now and maybe talk about this another time? I'm really tired."
"Uh yeah, okay…"
We crawl into bed together and I put my arm around her.
I have to find a way to make things better between us and I have to find it soon or Tara's gonna leave me.
CHAPTER 25: A lazy kind of morning
Dawn's POV
I stretch out in bed as I slip back into consciousness.
Mmm, what time is it? 7:30… wow I actually almost got 4 and a half hours sleep. I'm surprised I got that much with the way they were going at it. Well, that was last night and this is today. I better get down to breakfast before I gotta get to school.
I get up and put on some new clothes. I walk out of my room and head downstairs. I walk into the kitchen and the giggling and whispering make me wish I was deaf. Then I see Faith and my sister kissing and groping each other against the breakfast bar and I suddenly wish I was blind too. Faith grabs my sister's ass and I gag on my own bile.
"Do you HAVE to do that?"
Faith looks up at me from her little love fest… eww.
"Hey kid…"
I roll my eyes at them.
"I'm not a kid."
Buffy starts sucking on Faith's neck and I think I'm gonna hurl.
"Right, right… so what's up?"
I sit down on the far side of the table, away from them. Mom puts a plate of bacon and eggs in front of me.
"My breakfast… assuming you can keep your hands off each other long enough for me to actually eat it."
Buffy turns around and puts her arm around Faith's waist.
"Sorry Dawnie, we're just… a little wrapped up in each other right now."
Faith starts nibbling on Buffy's ear and I look down at my breakfast to prevent dry heaving.
"I noticed."
Faith comes over, laughing and ruffles my hair.
I asked her to stop doing that.
"Oh come on Dawn, I bet you'll be the same way when you fall in love."
She and Buffy sit down next to me at the bar.
"Not if I can help it."
Mom hands Buffy and Faith their own plates before putting her own plate down and we start eating to the tune of more giggling. Mom looks at me and smiles.
"They've been doing that all morning. It's getting kind of obscene isn't it?"
I chuckle.
"Totally."
They look at each other and Buffy rolls her eyes.
"Okay fine… we'll tone it down for those not currently chosen to save the world from unspeakable evil."
I take a bite of bacon.
"If you ask me, what you're doing is unspeakably evil."
Faith punches me in the arm playfully.
"Ow!"
Mom turns to the two lovebirds.
"So what's on the agenda for today?"
They smile at each other and I just know I'm not gonna wanna hear this.
"Well we figured we could do some slaying…"
"Followed by some quality groping time."
Oh I knew I didn't wanna hear that.
"Then more slayage, and then a lot more groping."
I shove a bunch of bacon in my mouth and start chewing.
"Maybe some making out in the cemetery."
Mom puts up her hands and backs away.
I think I might join her.
"Okay that's more than I wanted to know?"
"Yeah feel free to leave that out of any future agenda planning… please?"
"Dawn sweetie, don't talk with your mouth… full…"
Mom?
Faith jumps out of her chair and rushes to Mom's side as she grabs her forehead and almost falls over.
"Joyce, is everything all right?"
Buffy and I stand up panicking.
"Yes I'm, I'm fine. I just… I felt a little light headed for a minute there."
Faith leads Joyce over to her chair next to me and Buffy.
"Well sit down, take a load off. Have some bacon."
"I'm fine, really. It was just a dizzy spell that's all."
What if there's something really wrong?
"We should call a doctor."
"No, really I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me, really."
Buffy pushes her own plate next to Faith's.
"Well eat something. Make US feel better."
"All right, all right I will but, I have my own plate I can eat from."
She points to the plate she made for herself. Faith rushes over and switches the plates.
"Okay, now that that's settled. I'd appreciate it if one of you would be home before dark. I have a lot of work to do at the gallery and I'd like one of you home to watch over Dawn."
Oh come on.
"I don't need anyone to watch over me."
All three of them turn to me and have the same thought.
"Yes you do."
"Fine, geez you don't have to go postal on me. Just as long as it's not Buffy."
"I'll do it Dawnie, don't worry."
We all look at Faith.
She volunteered?
"Are you sure Faith?"
"Yeah it's okay. The kid and I will eat some cookie dough and watch some primetime soaps or something. How bout it Dawnie?"
"Sure, I guess…"
She hasn't volunteered to spend time with me since that time Angel went nuts at Christmas and Buffy had to go after him.
"Just don't call me kid."
"Right, sorry kid… oops. So B, seeing as how we ain't patrolling together tonight. Maybe we should go see the gang."
"Sure why not?"
"Ya got me."
Mom turns to me.
"You should finish up before you leave for school."
"Sounds like a plan."
We start working on our breakfasts to start our day.
Faith's POV
Everything's still spinning in my head. It all still feels kinda surreal or something. The things we did to each other. Up until the moment she jumped my bones in the cemetery I figured we were breaking up, then all of the sudden she was straddling me and asking me to take her home. Now I don't know what to think.
We're walking out to Giles' and we haven't spoken since we left home.
What the hell is up with us anyway? Are we back together or was that just one last time before we break up? Does she love me or hate me? God I'm even more confused than when she first came back. Maybe I should just use the direct approach. I mean it worked last night… sorta. I should just ask her.
"B?"
"Hmm?"
"Is everything okay?"
"Everything looks okay. Why? Are there any invisible people around I don't see?"
"With us I mean. Is everything okay with us?"
"Yeah, why?"
Why?
"Last night? Everything that happened."
"Right…"
She stops and turns to me.
"It's hard, being here, being alive."
She takes my hands in hers.
"But having you here helps, being with you helps."
Is that really how she feels?
"You know you can be honest with me B If that's not really how you feel. If you hate me, tell me. I won't mind. Actually I will mind but I'll understand. No matter what you say or how you feel, I'll still love you."
"Faith what we have, it isn't love. There isn't really a word for the kind of feelings we have for each other, I know that now. You were willing to kill me to keep us from self-destructing. I can't tell you how that makes me feel about, because I honestly don't know."
She pulls her hand up against the back of my neck, pulling us closer together.
"All I can tell you for sure right now is that I'm attracted to you, physically speaking, and that… things will never be the same between us again. Not after last night."
So I guess I got what I wanted then… I think.
She caresses the back of my neck and the hairs stand on end.
"So what does that mean for us?"
"I don't know. There's too much going on in my head right now to process you and me. Can't we just, be happy to be together? Figure it out later, if we can."
Um…
"I guess, as long as you are."
"As long as I'm what?"
"Happy to be with me. Cause if you think for ever a second that you might not be happy with me I'll go. I'll just leave and never come back."
"Then I'm asking you to stay, at least for a little while. Until all the stuff in my head gets sorted out and I figure out what I'm gonna do with myself."
"Okay… but only because you asked me to."
"Good, thank you…"
She leans forward and kisses me gently.
"Feel better?"
Sorta, I don't know.
"Yeah…"
She pulls my hand up and kiss the knuckles.
"Okay then, can we get back to life?"
"Sure, I guess."
We start walking to Giles' place.
So I guess everything is gonna be okay, sooner or later. I just have to wait and hope that maybe, someday soon she'll love me again. Maybe there's something I can do to speed up the process, tip the scales in my favour. Buffy means the world to me, she means more to me than my own life. I can't just sit around and wait to see when she decides to leave me.
I have to do something. I have to give her a reason to stay with me. God knows she doesn't have that many reasons at the moment. Other than our insatiable lust for each other and our tendency to enjoy slaying on a regular basis we really don't have that much in common, not really. I'm a murderer, she's not. She's blonde, I'm a brunette. She has family, I don't. I have to do something to show her she has reasons to stay with me, something non-lethal preferably.
Willow's POV
Tara's gonna leave me. Oh god what am I gonna do? Tara's gonna leave me and I don't know if I can stop her. I can't let her leave me, not over something so simple and stupid. I know what I did was wrong, I know I'll never do it again. Not only because I can't, but also because it only makes things worse. I thought things would get better but they only got worse, in the really bad sense of the word.
And not just for the one who comes back. I have to find a way to keep Tara from leaving me, even if I have to use…
"Hey guys…"
They're here… and they look kinda, couply.
"Hey Buffy, Faith… how are you?"
They're doing that happy giggling funny touching thing Tara and I used to do all the time.
"We're good… I think."
She thinks?
"What do you mean Faith?"
"Oh uh, well um… it's kinda complicated but um, things are better."
Buffy makes her way into Giles' living room with the rest of us and Faith follows.
"Look, guys… I wanna say I'm sorry, for what I said before. I didn't mean any of it."
"You meant all of it B but that's okay. We all know you're going through a bad time right now."
Yet they seem really okay now.
"Yeah, we understand Buff."
We do…
"We just want you to be happy."
This might be the opportunity I need, without magic.
"And we're gonna do whatever it takes to help you be happy B."
"Yes… if you wish you could, forgo patrolling until you feel better. We could take over until you feel up to it."
If I tell Tara that Buffy's doing better, Tara might not leave me.
"No, it's okay. I just… wanna try and get my life back. See if I can learn to live with, what I know, where I've been."
"Well we offer any help you wish. Anything at all we can do."
Yeah, we can help… somehow, maybe.
"Thank you and I'll ask if I need it but… I think this is something I'm just gonna have to deal with on my own…"
She sits down on the couch and Faith sits on the arm rest next to her. Buffy reaches up and takes Faith's hand in hers.
"… For the most part."
"Well okay Buffy but the second you need something…"
"I'll ask. But on the subject of getting back to my life, any new demony types in town?"
"Nothing of note, vampire activity has been down since you took apart that vampire nest downtown. And demonic activity in general has been down since, well since…"
Oh wait, I almost forgot.
"Wait…"
I dig through my bag and pull it out.
"I, Joyce and I found this while we were out looking for Tara last night."
I hold out the weird magic ball thingy.
"Ooh, shiny! Can I play with it?"
I hand it over to Xander who starts looking it over.
"You were looking for Tara last night?"
I look up at Faith.
"Yeah um, Tara went out last night while I was at dinner with you guys. I was waiting for her to come home and, Joyce came by looking for you two and we got kinda scared so we went out looking for all three of you."
"And that's when you found the mystical object in question?"
"Yeah…"
"Did Tara come home?"
"Yeah she did, she's fine."
In a really bad kinda way.
"Well where did you find it?"
Xander hands the globey thing to Giles who starts examining it.
"We found it out in the factory district. I thought it was kinda weird so I decided to see what you guys thought."
"Well it doesn't resemble anything I'm aware of but, I'd say it merits investigation."
"You said you found it in the factory district? Maybe I should do a patrol in that area tonight."
"I'd say that's a good idea."
"Alone?"
Buffy looks up at Faith.
"Yeah, why?"
"Well it's just we don't know what this thing is. Maybe you should hold off on hunting it until we know more about it."
"We don't know that there's anything to hunt yet. Besides, I used to patrol in that area all the time alone. I'll be fine. You've got Dawn duty anyway."
"Right… gotta take care of the kid. Just don't do anything that'll get you hurt."
She kisses the back of Faith's hand.
They look really good together. Maybe it's not too late for Tara and me.
"I won't, I promise."
This whole problem with Tara and I started because things went south with Buffy and her relationship with Faith. But now that things are better I might have a chance to make things right with Tara. And if it doesn't…
Dawn's POV
I wish I was a celebrity. Making loads of money for doing nothing, or even less than nothing, like Paris Hilton. Having people wait on me hand and foot, loads of friends giving me everything I ever wanted. Course if I had that then I'd be Buffy.
She's always getting what she wants, doing what she wants, whenever she wants. She's out on patrol now because she wants to. I never get to do anything. It's always 'Dawn it's too dangerous' or 'Dawn you can't it's a school night'. No one ever lets me do anything.
I reach my hand into the bowl of chips in Faith's lap as she flips through the channels with the remote.
Oh my god!
"Wait, stop…"
She stops on MTV and Justin Timberlake is on stage at the VMAs.
"Oh he's so cute… don't you think?"
Faith just puts a chip in her mouth and looks at me like I'm insane.
"Oh come on, he's a total hottie. He's got such a great butt."
Faith's eyebrows just shoot up a little more.
Oh, I forgot.
"Right, the whole gay thing. I guess you don't really have an opinion on hot guys anymore."
"Hey, I have opinions on hot guys. I just don't go all nuts over them like you kid. Also, I don't really see what the big deal about Justin Timberlake is anyway. He's no cuter than Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt."
"Are you kidding me? Justin is so much hotter than Tom Cruise. Tom is way too old anyway."
"Pfft! For you maybe."
"Uh! I can't believe you said that. I'm telling Buffy you like Tom Cruise better than her."
She puts the bowl of chips down on the coffee table and turns to me.
"You better not."
I turn my head away to keep from cracking up.
"Will too."
"You think so?"
"I know so."
"Well then, I'll just have to…"
She pokes me in the side.
Ow!
"Tickle you until you…"
She pokes me again.
"Promise not to."
She starts tickling me with her fingers and I try to get away while I laugh. I get a few feet from the couch and she tackles me. I wanna get away again but she climbs on top of me.
"Promise you won't tell her what you said."
I smile up at her and I know I'm gonna regret this.
"No."
She tickles me some more and I can't help but laugh out loud.
"S-stop…"
"Not until you promise."
"N-no…"
"Then I'm gonna have to keep TICKLING you until you do."
I can't take it anymore.
"No please stop…"
"Then say it."
"Okay, okay I won't…"
She stops tickling me but doesn't stand up.
"Won't what?"
"I won't tell Buffy that Tom Cruise makes you crazy."
"Good…"
She gets off me and helps me up.
"Cause we both know there's only one person in this world who makes me crazy."
We head back over to the couch and sit down.
"Right, Buffy…"
"She's the one."
What?
"The one?"
She looks at me and picks up the bowl of chips.
"Figure of speech."
"Oh… so how is she?"
"Hmm?"
She's trying to ignore the question.
"Buffy, how is she?"
"Why?"
Why?
"Because I care?"
She smiles at me with her next attempt to avoid talking about it.
"Since when?"
People are always trying to avoid talking about stuff with me. It's how I got so good at answering questions like these.
"Since she died and came back to life, when do you think?"
She frowns at me and goes back to watching TV.
"She's… good."
"Good?"
"Yeah, we talked. We did some serious talking and, I think things are better."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah…"
"Well, where was she?"
"Hmm?"
"When she was, you know… did she tell you?"
"Oh uh, yeah she did."
"And?"
"Look, Dawn everything's okay now so you don't have to worry about it."
Everything's not okay or she wouldn't be trying to avoid talking about it.
"Come on, maybe I can help, you never know. I've known her a lot longer than you have."
"Dawn it's really not important."
She turns her head to look at me.
"But if you wanna help, there is something you can do for me."
"Really? What?"
"Try and get your mom to take you to a late night movie. Sometime on the weekend when there's no school."
The front door opens and Mom comes in.
"Why?"
She smiles at me.
"If I told you that, your mother would kill me."
Mom comes into the living room.
Oh I get it. They wanna have another crazy naked sex night with us out of the house.
"Now why would I wanna do that to one of my three favourite girls?"
Faith and I look at each other and just giggle as we respond.
"No reason."
"Nope, no reason at all."
"I see. So what have you two been up to all night?"
"Oh nothing. Just eating junk food and talking about boys."
"Talking about boys?"
"What? I can't talk about boys cause I'm in love with your daughter?"
"YOU, were talking about boys with my 14 year old daughter?"
"Oh uh yeah… say Dawn shouldn't you be going to bed about now?"
"It's only 10:30."
Mom looks at me.
"Dawn?"
"Okay, I'll go."
I head to the stairs and stop at the bottom.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know that topic was off limits with Dawn."
"It's okay Faith. I was joking. You're more than welcome to talk about anything you want with Dawn, as long as it doesn't involve beheading or dead bodies."
"Oh, okay."
"Is Buffy home yet?"
"Not yet."
I head up the stairs.
I hope everything works out with my sister and Faith.
Buffy's POV
I feel… good. I can't explain it and, maybe I don't want to but… I feel good. Maybe it's what Faith said, maybe it's that she put a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me, or maybe it's just all the sex. All I know for sure is that ever since last night I don't feel so focused on my pain anymore. I feel like… a human being, with friends, and family. I haven't felt that way in a long time. Since before I was dead. I feel, like I can live with where I've been, with what's happened to me.
And I think I can do it without hating my friends and family… or Faith, I think. Problem is I don't know why. I don't know what I want, or what I'm gonna do with my life. What if when I figure it out I wanna be alone? Or what if I have to be alone to figure it out? I don't want to string Faith along. I don't really know what is gonna happen between Faith and I, but I'm pretty sure I want her with me so we can find out together. I care about Faith, a lot. She's right, and so was Mom. I can't blame Faith for what Willow did, and blaming Willow won't do any good either. Faith was willing to commit murder to keep us from imploding. Why would she do that if she wanted me back so badly?
Mom must've been telling the truth when she said Faith wanted to kill herself to be with me. God that must've been so horrible for her. Maybe Mom was right about us, helping each other through this hard time. We both know what it's like to wish we were dead. Sharing our pain could bring us closer together, emotionally. God knows we're as close as two people can be in a physical sense. Maybe it's time to take it to the next level, emotional closeness.
For the longest time, all we ever were to each other was enemies. Then, all the sudden we were lovers, and we couldn't be enemies anymore. But other than an insatiable lust for each other and a tendency to slay vamps on a regular basis, Faith and I have all but nothing in common. We've never been friends, we've never confided in each other about anything. Maybe the best way to grow and move on from everything is to do that, confide in one another. Build something beyond just unquenchable animal lust.
Lust is all well and good but it doesn't build lasting relationships. What if all we have is lust? It doesn't mean we can't have something more does it? I mean for a long time all Angel and I had was lust, but slowly it became more than that.
I should have a talk with her. God knows I haven't been that nice to her since I've been back. It's time that changed. It's time we did something right. When I get home I'm gonna try and talk with her. Right now I gotta concentrate on patrolling, keep my wits about me in case some big ugly demon type jumps out at me. This is pretty much where Willow said she found the glowy ball thingy. Whatever put it there must be around here, or was recently. Maybe I could track where it went.
There's a loud bang nearby. I look around and there's another one.
Where the hell is that coming from?
Another bang rings out.
It doesn't sound like a gunshot, and it sounds like it's coming from a nearby factory so I know I'm not in any immediate danger. It almost sounds like someone trying to break down a door.
I start to walk toward the factory where the banging is coming from.
Whoever's breaking down the door must be pretty powerful. Maybe I should hold off on going up against this thing until I have Faith to help me. Then again, there could be innocent people in there that need my help.
I open the door to the factory and go inside. A loud crash comes from upstairs and I think the door has come down. Then I hear a scream and that pretty much settles any internal struggling I have about leaving it till later.
I gotta go do the hero thing.
The man screams out again. As I make my way up the stairs I hear a woman yelling.
"I want my key! Where did you put it?"
Geez all this over a key, what lame ass demon would do that?
I make it up to the top of the stairs and see a huge hole in the wall where a big metal door used to be.
Some big skanky looking blonde chick is beating up on some guy in a brown robe.
She picks the guy up by his robe.
"I… will tell you… nothing."
She throws him across the rather large room.
Well that can't be good.
"It doesn't even belong to you. You took it from me and I want it back."
I walk into the place, being sure not to get too close until I know what she is.
"Wow, a lover's quarrel over a stupid little key. And I thought I had problems."
The woman turns around and looks at me with a scowl.
"Who the hell are you?"
I cross my arms over my chest.
"People call me the slayer."
She rolls her eyes and scoffs.
"Ugh a slayer…? You've got to be kidding me?"
"Do you know what a slayer is?"
"Yes I do pint-size, and if you get between me and my key. I'll have to slay YOU."
Confident much?
"You think so do you?"
"I know so sweetie. Just leave me and monkey boy alone and I won't snap that pretty little neck of yours."
I guess I'm gonna have to get in a scuffle with this demon chick to save monk man.
"You think you can take me?"
I take a few more steps toward her.
"Don't make me lower myself to trading blows with a slayer. All I want is my key."
"Well if you have to beat up robey guy to get it, I'm gonna have to stop you."
"Fine."
I blink and she's right in front of me.
Wait, what?
She punches me in the face and I fly across the room and crash into the wall.
Ow!
I fall to the floor and barely manage to make it up on my elbows.
What the hell kinda demon is this chick?
"You lie on the floor and I'll find my key."
I make it to my feet and take a deep breath to regain focus.
I gotta stay sharp if I'm gonna take this girl apart. Time to lie my ass off.
"Is that all you've got?"
God I hope I can take this bitch.
"Oh how cute, you got up. I guess I'll just have to put you down again."
She comes at me again and this time I'm ready for her. I dodge her first four punches and come back with five of my own. None of which connect so I try for a roundhouse kick and it only barely makes her stumble.
Okay… I guess I'll have to put a little more force behind my punch.
I punch her right between the eyes and follow it up with a gut shot. I repeat this motion twice more to get her on the ropes and then hit her with a spinning back fist to the face.
She just takes everything I throw at her and it's like it doesn't even faze her.
I try for a lot more power behind my fist and she grabs it.
"Okay, that's enough of that."
She squeezes my fist and I feel like all the bones in my hand are cracking. I hit her on her inner elbow with my forearm and it breaks her hold.
It could be time for a hasty retreat.
I try for a roundhouse kick to get off balance long enough to escape, but she grabs my leg and spins around before she lets me go. I fly across the room and land next to the bleeding monk. I pull myself up on my hands.
"Help… me…"
This guy is in need of some serious medical attention.
I look over at the big bad demon chick whose walking slowly this way.
I don't know if I can get away with her following us, but I have to try.
I crawl over to the monk guy and put his arm over my shoulders as we get up.
My leg is killing me from when she threw me across the room with it, but I have to make it to the window.
"HEY! Hands off my holy man!"
If we can make it out the window maybe we can get away.
"He's mine! Bring him back here!"
She stomps her foot and the floor shakes. She stomps her foot with every word.
"Bring! Him! Back! Right! Now!"
The ceiling starts coming down around her. We make it to the window as the demon chick gets buried under the concrete ceiling. I put my arms around the monk and throw myself out the window. I brace myself as we fall from the second story window.
Ow!
He lands on top of me as we hit the ground.
God that hurts.
He rolls off of me, coughing up blood.
I have to get him to the hospital and away from that THING, whatever she was.
I pull myself to my hands and knees despite the throbbing, mind numbing pain of falling out of a second story window. I pull him up with me to our feet.
"Come on… we have to… get out of here."
"My journey is, done… I think…"
No we can't s-stop.
"We have to, keep going…"
He falls to the ground.
"I'm dying…"
"You're not going to die, I'm gonna…"
"It is… up to you. You must protect… the key…"
The key? What is it with this key?
"The key, what is it?"
"The key is… energy. It opens the door. For centuries, it had no form at all. Then the beast came…"
The beast? That demon woman?
"We had to… hide, the key. For fear of… what she would do. My brethren, we moulded it… gave it form, made it human and sent it, to you…"
What?
"What do you mean? Who?"
"Your love… brought it forth…"
Our love?
"Faith?"
"No… your sister…"
Dawn?
"What? What does Dawn have to do with anything?"
"She's, the key…"
How? But…
"She can't be… I, remember… my memories, my Mom's?"
"We built them, to give the key, meaning…"
I, I don't believe it. I can't believe it.
"She's, an innocent in this. You must keep her, safe. Your… love… will keep her, safe."
"Our love?"
"Her form, was taken from, a piece of each of you. She was born, from the love you share."
Dawn's my, daughter?
"Keep… her… safe…"
He lets out the last of his breath and…
Oh god, I think he's…
I feel his pulse and it's not there.
"I'm sorry…"
I hear cracking and moving from the rubble in the factory.
She must still be alive up there.
I stand up.
Dawn… I have to get to Dawn.
Faith's POV
I wonder when Buffy's getting home. There's only so much late night TV a girl can take before it starts to bug the crap out of me. And hey, already there. There's some chick on Leno, or Letterman or whatever, they all look the same to me. Anyway, this kinda hot chick, Charisma something is talking about how she took her clothes off for Playboy. You know, something about her reminds me of Cordy. Bah, whatever… I don't care.
I start flipping through the channels again.
There's only one girl that's ever on my mind.
The front door opens.
Speaking of which…
I jump to my feet and walk over there to get some TLC from my one and only. The sight of her makes me stop in my tracks, in a really bad way. She's hunched over slightly, holding her wrist and limping. There's a huge bruise on her face but I get the impression that's not the only one from the pained look on her face.
"B… oh god what happened?"
I rush to her side and put my arm around her to keep her upright.
"Where's Dawn?"
Dawn?
"What does Dawn have to do with anything?"
"Where is she?"
"Upstairs, sleeping. Same with Joyce."
"Okay… good… good…"
I lead her over to the couch to sit down.
"What's this about?"
We sit down and I lean her against me.
"I just… I don't want them to see me like this… it would only make them worry."
"Well I wasn't about to jump for joy about it myself. What happened?"
I put my hand against Buffy's cheek and gently turn it to look in her eyes.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm, I'm fine honey I just… no major injuries to speak of."
I pat my hand against her mid-section to check for sore spots.
"Are you sure?"
She pulls my hand away and looks down at the floor.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. Just a little sore is all."
Sore?
"Anything I can do to help with that?"
"I, I think I just wanna go to bed. Do the sleepy healing thing."
"Okay sure… on one condition though. What did this?"
"I… I don't know. Some evil demon chick, I don't know what she is. I've never, faced anything like this chick. She's really strong, stronger than me, maybe stronger than you."
Not likely.
"Well we'll go after her, together. You and me'll take her apart piece by piece."
"Okay… but not tonight."
"No, of course not. Tomorrow, we'll hunt her down and kill her to death."
"Okay…"
I help her to her feet and we head upstairs.
"Wait…"
We stop in front of Dawn's room.
"What?"
"I… I have to see her first."
She looks over at Dawn's partially open door.
"She's sleeping B."
She straightens up and starts limping to the door. I start to the door myself but Buffy puts her hand up to stop me.
"It's okay, I can go by myself."
I stop and watch her go in.
What's that about?
Once she's in I walk over and peer in the door. I watch as she limps her way to the bed and sits on the edge next to Dawn. She reaches down and combs a hair out of her face before leaning over and kisses her forehead. My slayer hearing picks up four whispered words.
"I love you, Dawn."
After a few more moments she stands up and heads this way. I back up and she comes out.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah, everything's fine. Let's go to bed."
We head to bed.
Things are far from okay. Buffy's pretty beat up, and something happened tonight, something that Buffy doesn't want me to know.
We walk into our room and get ready for bed.
It has something to do with Dawn but she won't tell me what.
I climb into bed first.
I thought we trusted each other enough to confide in one another. I thought we loved each other enough to tell each other everything.
She climbs into bed, into my arms.
I guess maybe I was wrong.
...continued in chapter 31...