The Circle of the Instant
by Elegy
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Faith, Buffy and all other characters belong to Joss
Whedon, WB, etc.
Spoilers: This story takes place after the fourth season.
Note: This fic is a little particular because I was more interested
in the form than in the story itself. I wanted to make something
interconnected, circular in several meanings.
Big thanks to Countess Marsters, the beta-reader of this fic.
"The instant has only a narrow place between hope and regret, and it
is the place of life."
Marcel Jouhandeau, Algèbre des valeurs morales
"Everything goes, everything comes back, the wheel of existence turns
eternally. Everything dies, everything blossoms again, the cycle of
existence goes on eternally. Everything breaks, everything assembles
again, the same edifice of existence is built eternally. Everything
parts, everything greets again : the ring of existence remains
eternally faithful to itself."
Nietzche, Thus spake Zarathoustra
C like Commencement
Buffy. 4.00 am.
I'll never forget.
I woke up in a sweat. I had a nightmare again. Always the same...
Always...
I could never forget... I see us on the roof... the roof from where
you fell... I see the knife... your knife... that I stuck so deeply
in you... I see the blood trickling out between your hands... I see
the blood on the blade I'm still holding... And your look... the
surprise in your eyes... And the pain... the betrayal... You never
thought I could do it... Me either... But you pushed me... pushed me
till I went beyond me... till I went beyond the point of no return...
Till I killed a human being... like you did... Pushed me to act like
you... I didn't want it... I've never wanted it...
I can see the victory in your look... the victory of having made me
join you in evil... at this instant when I thrust the blade in you...
of having made me understand how easy it was to sink, to let one's
self go, when one is desperate... And I was in despair... But maybe
not as much as you... Maybe you wanted me to kill you... to put an
end to the vicious circle in which you got lost... I don't know...
There are so many things I wanted to understand... We had so much in
common, so much to share... And though at times you seemed so far...
inaccessible... All this waste... All this hatred between us... Why?
The dream always ends at the same moment. I see you falling into
space and I rush... And I see you crashing onto the back of a truck
driving down the street. It brings you far away... far away from
me... from my frustration... from my pain... from my regrets...
And then I wake up. And it hurts.
You're not here, but you pursue me... In my dreams. You're not here,
but you hurt me. Your memory keeps harming me. I must put an end to
this pain, I no longer want to live again and again the moment when
you make me tumble -
'You did it, B. You killed me...'
- the moment when I kill you...
I have to know... what you looked for... I want to know why you sank,
why evil was more seducing than what we had to offer you among us...
I want to know why there was this hatred between us... I don't want
to have this nightmare ever again...
Tomorrow I'll find you... Tomorrow we'll talk... Tomorrow you'll tell
me... why...
I'll never forget.
I like Isolation
Faith. 8.00 am.
I'll never forget.
I woke up in a sweat. I had a nightmare again. Always the same...
Always...
I see us on the roof... We're fighting... I feel the excitement of
the fight rising... This excitement, an almost sexual feeling, you've
always refused to acknowledge... The adrenalin... The fear of
dying... The triumph when one wins...
I see us on the roof... You don't want to lose... You want my
blood... To save the man of your life... And I'm nothing for you,
just a means, a catharsis... You get rid of your frustration with
me...
I've never been anything for you... Just a substitute, a stand-in,
when you needed help... I've never had any gratitude from you... nor
from your friends... I'd have done anything for you, B... I'd have
given my life for you... But you, you forgot me as soon as the fights
were over, as soon as the wicked vamps were turned into dust...
Everybody had fun at your home, and I came back alone, always alone,
to my motel room... 'Cause you didn't invite me to join in... 'Cause
I was nothing for you... 'Cause I didn't deserve the friendship of
the great Slayer, the one and only, the legitimate one. 'Cause it
disturbs you to stoop so low as to admit you liked fighting, you had
enjoyed tasting the freedom I offered you... 'cause I obeyed no
rules... and that it was the only thing you did...
I see us on the roof... Something happens, but I don't understand it
all at once... And then I see your look... The surprise... You did
it, but you don't realize the consequences... So I feel the pain,
sharp, freezing, inside me... And I see my knife, the knife I adored
and that the Mayor had offered me, plunged into my guts... And I see
the blood trickling... this blood you wanted to take from me... I'd
have given my life for you... but not for him, you know... not for
him... He had what you would have never given to me... Respect,
trust... Love... For him, you would have done anything... even
killing me... So, I see my blood, I see my rotten life going away,
and I refuse to feed this son of a bitch... I'm a Slayer... My
fucking pride gets back on top and I don't want my Slayer blood to
water and cure a vampire...
But anyway I can't get over you taking the plunge...
'You did it, B. You killed me...'
this step you take towards me... in my crazy, tortured world... We
are alike, I've always known it... You've never wanted to accept
it... We are even... The world isn't all white and black, B... You
knew it for Angel... But you didn't want to admit it for me... It was
easier for you...
So I jump. I jump into space and I crash in a truck... a truck I had
spotted... I just waited for the right time... I didn't want you to
take me back... I didn't want him to win... once again...
And it's always here that I wake up. And I'm angry.
I resent you for having denied me, I resent you for not having
listened to me, for not having helped me... I resent you for having
buried the desire you had for me, I resent you for having ignored
mine...
I'll never forget...
R like Regrets
Buffy. 12.00 am
I'll never forget your look.
At this very moment, you're in front of me and you're smoking a
cigarette. Your dark look flusters me... I see in your eyes things
I've never been able to face...
I didn't sleep a wink all night. I knew you were in LA, so I called
Angel. He gave me your address. A shabby hotel again. I took a bus
and I wandered about the streets until I resolved to knock on your
door.
You opened the door and I'll never forget your look: surprise, doubt,
expectation, then an extreme sadness followed each other in your
eyes... You didn't say a word and you let me in. You haven't
changed... You're still so beautiful... so disturbing... so
fascinating... I've always been reluctant to admit it... This
fascination you exert on every person who comes across you...
Something indescribable in your eyes... This little something... when
you're in a room, people see only you... I was jealous of it...
Yes, actually, you did change. There is no longer hatred in your
look... just a kind of painful resignation...
You let me in and you waited for me to speak. So I began.
I told you my regrets, my will to understand, to understand you, to
go back to square one or to end our unfinished story at last... I
tried to justify my own acts, my refusal to admit my part of
responsibility in Finch's murder, the jealousy I felt for your
freedom... You didn't owe anybody any explanations... You did
whatever you wanted...
I told you my fear... The fear of facing my mistakes... The fear of
acknowledging it could have happened to me that night, that I could
have killed a man... That this murder was an accident... And also the
fear you aroused in me... You took pleasure in slaying vampires...
You were unpredictable, impulsive, passionate, dark, unreadable... I
was scared because I didn't want to admit it all attracted me... your
dark side attracted me... I preferred to go on believing we were
different... and that I was better than you...
I told you my regrets of not having been able to help you when you
needed it... after Finch's death... I understand today, you felt
rejected, abandoned... and I am somehow responsible for your flight,
for your alliance with the Mayor... I asked you to forgive me for
having tried to kill you on the roof that cursed night... I was
blinded by the hatred and the despair to see the man I loved dying
because of you... I wanted to make you pay... I knew I could give him
my own blood... but I wanted yours... you had to pay... for all the
harm you did to us... But there was something else... I know it
today... You had to pay for making me realize I wasn't perfect...
that we weren't so different... that I wasn't that strong... That I
didn't hold the truth... By killing you, I destroyed a part of myself
I couldn't face... A part of myself you had simply revealed... I
apologized... I wanted you to know that at the moment when I realized
I had really stuck the blade in your stomach, I had regretted it...
And I had understood that instead of wiping out the traces of my
resemblance with you, I had only reinforced them... And your smile
afterwards... You knew... You've always known...
I told you all of it... and you listened to me in silence with only
this sad and resigned look, this dark look of those who have only
known pain...
I'll never forget your look.
C like Confrontation
Faith. 4.00 pm.
I'll never forget your look.
At this very moment, you're in front of me and your eyes are full of
tears. I wish I could take you in my arms... reassure you... But I
can't...
I didn't sleep a wink all night. I sat down on the bed and I switched
on the TV, numbing me with insipid images to try to forget the one I
have always on my mind, that of your face... of your eyes...
I do nothing all day... Sometimes I wander about the streets of LA,
always hoping to come across your look... somewhere... on a
street-corner... And when I'm too desperate, I stay in this room that is the
reflection of my life... rotten, dirty and tasteless... empty...
And then I heard someone knocking on the door. I switched off the TV
and I opened it.
You were there. Still so beautiful... but unreachable... I wondered
what you came here for... During a bitter instant, I said to myself
that you needed me to solve some new apocalyptic plague or other...
But I saw your eyes... And I saw in them doubt, hope, and this parcel
of pain that I know so well... I thought about us again... About our
complicated relationship, about all the unsaid things... So I held
back the ironic sentence I had intended to say and I let you in. And
I waited for you to speak.
I had waited so long for this moment... I had waited so long for
these words... I listened to you without speaking... Everything
seemed so unreal... I said to myself that I was dreaming... you
weren't really here talking to me, telling me you regretted, you
wanted to go back to square one... you wanted to understand me...
You can't know how much it touched me... how much you moved me...
You've always thought I was insensitive... I'm so far from that
image...
You admitted at last your responsibility in Finch's murder... your
jealousy of me... of this freedom I embodied for you... But you
haven't understood that this freedom was only an illusion... I've
never been really free... I was - I am - locked in my own world, in
my loneliness... You were my only opening... the only door towards
real life... the only one who could - should - have understood me...
There was this link between us... an indescribable link, disturbing
and so strong... But you closed the door... so fast... too fast...
You refused the implications of that link, its reality... Too
dangerous for you... You caught a glimpse of the abyss... and you got
frightened... So I came back all alone and I let myself sink... deep
down... 'cause nothing mattered any longer... 'cause you had rejected
me...
And then you apologized... for what happened between us on the
roof... for not having hesitated to sacrifice me for the man you
loved... But I understood... I'd have done the same thing for
you...I'd have given my life for you...
You apologized... but it's been a long time since I forgave you...
I told you that when I could speak finally... I told you what I had
never said to anyone... my suffering... my childhood... my call...
Being a Slayer has always been the only thing that gave me substance,
that made me exist in the eyes of others... And even that was denied
when I met you... 'cause there was only one Slayer in your world... I
was nothing... I had nothing... You had everything... love,
friendship, a family, respect, gratitude... I was envious of you...
but above all I loved you... and you rejected me...
I told you I loved you... With tears in your eyes, you looked at me
with amazement and then something was released inside you, as if you
understood at last...
I'll never forget your look...
L like Liberation
Buffy. 8.00 pm.
I'll never forget this day.
At this very instant you're sleeping in my arms... For the first time
for years you seem soothed...
So many things happened between us... so fast... Everything goes so
fast... Maybe it's our consciousness of Slayers... We aren't
eternal... and a Slayer's life is so ephemeral... I'm surprised every
day to be still alive... We lost so much time tearing each other
apart... so much time avoiding each other... fleeing our feelings...
our desires... I didn't want to admit them... but you knew... once
again... you've always known... And you accepted... To me, it was
inconceivable... Deep inside me I knew... but it was too difficult...
So when you told me you loved me, things suddenly fell into place...
Something which has always been there, but that I had denied...
repressed... Everything became clear... I saw you in my memories... I
saw again your insistent looks, your gestures, your smiles... It was
obvious... I felt it... intimately... like I knew everything you felt
thanks to this strange link which had frightened me... But I buried
this revelation... focusing on my hatred and my resentment...
resembling you indirectly. You knew we were alike... and
complementary... I can't help thinking that, like Angel, your pain
made you more lucid, more mature...
When you told me you loved me, something opened inside me... or
something may have broken... I don't know... I couldn't prevent
myself from weeping... So you came closer and you took me in your
arms... In other times I'd have pushed you back... Today I've no
longer the strength... and the right... I finally let go, I held you
so tight that I could have choked you... But you're like me... I'm
like you...
We stayed so long in each other's arms... I was no longer aware of
time... And then you kissed me... You kissed me and I realized that
nothing else mattered any more... Our tears mingled through this
kiss... We forgave each other... It was so soft and so violent all at
once... Our buried desires were released at last... giving free rein
to passion... as if the next day everything was over... Nothing else
mattered any longer than your hands on me, than your fingers inside
me, than your lips against my lips, than our feverish bodies fusing
in a desperate hug... as if it was the last time... Maybe it's the
case... maybe tomorrow one of us will make a mistake... maybe I'm
going to die... maybe you're going to die... But you accepted this
fate... a long time before me... Only you can understand me... I've
just come to realize it... Only you can share the burden of our weird
duty... Only you know what I think... what I feel... without a word...
You know I love you... I didn't say it, but you already know... I
couldn't... I couldn't face your look and tell you those words, so
simple and though so difficult... But you know it... 'Cause we're
alike...
I'm afraid of the future... I know it's short... I know we've been
lucky so far... I'm afraid of your reaction when you'll wake up...
You're so unpredictable... I know I'll lose you one day... somehow or
other I'll lose you... But at the moment, I don't want to think about
that... Nothing matters any more... You're in my arms and nothing
else matters.
I'll never forget this day.
E like Ending
Faith. 12.00 pm.
I'll never forget this day.
At this very instant you're sleeping in my arms... and it's the most
beautiful day of my life...
I can die now, nothing else will matter any more than this intense
moment shared with you... I waited for it for so long, I dreamt about
it every night, it made me survive every day in jail...
Everything went so fast... In just one day everything was turned
upside down... In the same way as everything had been turned upside
down in one second in this street and that I had a man's blood on my
hands... Everything is so fragile... In one instant, everything can
disappear... So I hold you a little tighter against me for fear that
you may disappear, like a mirage, a new trick of my disturbed mind...
It's hard to believe...
When I saw your tears, I felt like taking you into my arms... and
then I hesitated... Maybe it was too early... If you rejected me one
more time, I couldn't bear it... And then I thought about what you
told me at the beginning, that this story had to be ended... What
more could I lose than I hadn't lost yet? So I held you tight in my
arms... and you didn't push me back... I didn't think about the
rest... it seemed natural to me... I kissed you... and you didn't
reject me...
The intoxicating smell of your hair, of your skin, the softness of
your lips, the salted taste of your tears intertwining mine, made me
get out of my depth... This desire so deeply buried inside me was
suddenly released and I lost control... We made love as if we weren't
going to see each other again, as if the next day everything
stopped... It's the first time I've been in love... It's the first
time I've made love with someone I love... It was so... different...
intense... confusing...
You didn't say it to me, but I know that you love me... I've always
known it... I saw in your eyes this embarrassment when you looked at
me, this embarrassment I read in you in pleasure tonight...
I'm looking at you sleeping and I'm still wondering what pushed you
to come and see me today... what made you admit suddenly all these
things... your guilt, your responsibility, your attraction to me... I
dreamt this day so much... but I didn't believe in it any longer...
My life had stopped with you...
Everything is so fragile... I don't dare consider the future... Maybe
that tomorrow, when you wake up, you'll say to yourself you made a
mistake... Maybe that tomorrow you'll regret... Maybe that tomorrow
you'll leave in the same way as you came... Like a transient image...
I'd have just dreamt that you looked at me... I'd have just dreamt
your skin against my skin... our embraced bodies in these sheets...
I'd have just imagined your words... those words which touched me so
much... those words I waited for... I'd have just dreamt the softness
of your lips... I'd have just imagined that one day I had been alive
again... that I had forgotten pain... Maybe tomorrow you'll leave me
again... to end really this story... and never appear again...
But right now I don't want to think about it any longer... There is
nothing left but us... Nothing matters any more... but you against
me... And I want to keep this inside me for ever...
I'll never forget this day.