Death In a HourGlass
by Holliday
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Love Takes Time...
Author's Notes: If love is all encompassing then Death is just a break...
I've spent my teenage years in a state of being a hero, I've loved I've lost and I lived, yet I've always been alone. No one knew of the sacrifice I've kept, I could never allow it. Somehow I figured it would dim the halo that surrounded me. It's a shallow thought I know but it's the only one I allow myself.
I see her and I know she has her own code that she lives by and I hate her, I do. I've always have it's what keeps her at a distance, and I hate myself for it because I know she's the only one who could see me for what I am not what I seem.
Even now as she looks at me with those chocolate orbs her smile is beaming and she looks to me as if I have the answers to a question only she can ask, she isn't like Kendra no, she isn't obssessed with the journey. Faith wants the end not of the HellMouth but her end the final call the peace she thinks is her reward for a cause of justice she was born into.
I know she wants it. It's how I ended up with the other one. Kendra was called when I died, and for a moment I was safe, welcomed and loved. Now I am torn between a world I know and a life I know would be my salvation. Yet I fight, I fight her every step of the way, wanting to be near her and pulling her into my life and then pushing her away.
Sometimes I wonder if she notices or if she just doesn't care. She shouldn't care I know that... I understand that this isn't her life she happened upon it.. or did she... she's a mystery like that whenever she looks at me or speaks to me. There is a knowledge of something that she won't share, she only gives so much of herself and then she leaves and something else takes her place. It pisses me off and she knows this but whenever I need her she's there no questions asked just there.
Sometimes I thinks she mine. Like she came here just to be near me. Not like a guardian or a protector or anything just for me. It's selfish to think that I should keep her away from my friends in her room. Locked up like she is. But I love knowing where she is at all- times. It's an ego-trip knowing it.
Yet when she flirts with me my world is shattered and she again remains the champion. It's bull-shit, this power struggle we lock ourselves into. I am partly to blame for what we do to them on a daily basis. Yet so is she. And here I am pointing the finger at her, like some school boy on the playground, patronizing the object of his affection.
Yet Faith is no child, yes in age but in the real-world outside of here, Faith is nothing nice to play with, she has demons. Secrets that shouldn't let her walk in the daylight yet she can. For she isn't the only one who wears a halo. Yet hers is rarely seen, she acts childish every so often with the others, in an attempt to soothe their mock reality of what is an intresting life, yet deep down she hides something else.
It only lasts for a few seconds when she changes that look of killer instict when Xander offers up a stupid reply. I here the wood snap on the corner of the table she was holding onto, she doesn't say a word just moves as far away from him as possible. Lucky for him she wasn't armed. She's sitting on the steps something else has garnered her attention and I am sure to her the rest of us don't even exist it's almost as if she has learned to ignore us when we aren't important to her. Yet she has never left the conversation. It's quite errie in a sense yet disturbing. As if she's in more than one place, even though she's never left her perch.
B's watching me again I feel her eyes on me. This isn't her usual crush stage of my anatomy. No she's after something right now, probably the truth, I hate when she wants to be sit around the campfire girl and roast some marshmallows. It's the part of her that generally makes me sick. The wholesome goody-goody, for a time I thought it was what I wanted until she began to let go and I saw what she really was.
She's still pure underneath yet her purity is tinged with red, and I like what she's been showing me. I could use more of it. Yet she isn't the only one whose been hanging around me lately Cordelia has been comming unto me in a direct approach and I enjoyed it for a short while yet got bored rather quickly when she just decided to wear no panties today. I enjoyed the scenery but wasn't up for the trek.
I've been engaging in small talk with the dork brigade and was enjoying their idiosynchracies until daft boy decided he wanted to contribute a sexual anecdote of lesbians. Needless to say I used the bit of self control to calm myself before I bashed his head in. I don't take sex lightly in any form, and those who do would be best to stay clear of me.
Since being here with B I've been on my best behavior and haven't cut anyone yet. However If the need strikes I just might. B's been cool about my darkside, she say's she get's that way too sometimes, I've seen it rise to the surface yet she just keeps her distance as I am doing now.
I read someplace that only fools mock death. I took that as a challenge and have sinced concluded that there are a lot of fools. Which isn't news to me of course, I mean who the hell builds a town on a hellmouth anyway... FOOLS. The meeting is over and B's walking over to where I busted the table. I look up and I see Cordy re-crossing her legs. FUCK... I never said I didn't like the view. Getting up I walk over to her she shoots me a hard look and then furrows her brow. I grin inwardily and slide up behind her.
"I was a tad angry." I whisper.
She turns around so we are nose to nose and just stares. Cordelia has taken the hint and leaves the table. Neither of us looks to her direction. Just at each other.
"Come on you need some release."
"Some how I don't think you are talking about your hand in my pants."
"You'd be correct, come on the sun's almost down." We head out of the library and over to the cemetery. This is going to be another night of if we'd.