Innocence Lost
by Hose Jockey 20
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I make no money. All hail Joss and his band of mutants.
Spoilers: Shit if I know. Gimme a fuckin break, here.
Author's Notes: Well, there are many reasons for me to break sabbatical and write this one. I
think the ones that really drove me to it are both the music I'm currently listening to, and some shit
that's really pissed me off lately. Just put yourselves in Faith's shoes, and pay attention to Jase's
plight in the story, and you'll kinda get what I'm feeling right now. So yeah, here's my little comeback
piece. I'll admit, it ain't what you guys are used to me writing. But oh fuckin well. By the way, the
continuity's kinda fucked, but again, oh fuckin well. And the paragraphs with the damned star-lookin
thingys at the beginning and end denote Faith's fantasy world. //stuff// denotes song lyrics.
Thanks: All the people who read my stuff and gave feedback. You know who you are.
Dedication: Jackie, had you not done what you did to me, I'd have never started writing this.
So this is my way of saying, "Here's a spoon. Eat my ass." I hope you never forget what you did to hurt me.
Feedback: Yeah, sure, whatever.
You know, it doesn't have to be like this.
No, it has to be exactly like this.
The ghosts from the past were haunting again. Those words had been running through Faith's mind non-stop for the past three hours. And she was stuck wondering just what in the hell it meant.
"Fuck it," she muttered to herself, vowing to boot the ghost-voices from her thoughts one and for all. But she found she couldn't, no matter how hard she tried.
"Hey," greeted Buffy as she strolled in. Noticing her fellow slayer sitting on the chair with that expression, she immediately started to worry. But after Faith had told her to basically fuck off the last time she'd tried to help, the older immediately dismissed any feelings of wanting to assist.
"Hey," grunted the younger. "'Sup?"
"Oh, nothing much. And I take it you just lounged around the house all day?"
"Basically. Fought a coupla demons 'n vamps, but this place has been dead since we took care of Adam."
"Well, that's nice to know." The blonde took off her shoes and fell onto the bed, suddenly oblivious to the mental turmoil her friend was going through.
"Long day with beefstick?" asked Faith with a hint of jealousy in her voice. The older slayer remained uncharacteristically silent at the mention of Riley, her boyfriend. Faith soon found out why.
"We... we kinda broke up," said Buffy in a flat voice. Faith had a number of sarcastic and spiteful responses to this, but something inside her told her not to use any of them. So she just said, "I'm sorry. Why?"
Another long period of silence followed. The blonde was trying to figure out how to answer the question, Faith surmised.
"I guess... we just got tired of each other. I didn't love him anymore." And that was all she'd say, knowing her answers were purposefully vague. She knew the other Slayer liked her in that way, but she didn't want to have to hurt her feelings. Because Buffy didn't love Faith like that, and that was all. And she thought Faith would never understand.
Faith waited for Buffy to finish, and when she finally realized her friend was done, she went out for a walk.
"I'll be back in a bit," she said to the motionless form of the blonde Slayer. Buffy made no attempt to acknowledge that she'd even been talked to, opting instead to ignore the retreating form of the brunette.
And already it starts thought Faith.
She walked through the cemeteries, looking for some action. Hoping for some action, really, figuring that would cheer her up a bit. Not one single vampire reared its ugly head, and that left Faith feeling a bit frustrated. She decided to return back to the Summers' place, where she was staying. Temporarily, at least, unless... Faith's thoughts drifted off to a happier place.
*Faith and Buffy were walking hand in hand in Sunnydale City Park, oblivious to the stares that accompanied them. The two were in love, and very happy. The fact that both of them were, well, girls, had seemed to only matter at first. Now, they were just two people in love, like many other couples.
"B?"
"Hmm?"
"I love you," said Faith. And she meant it.
"I love you more," replied Buffy. And by God, she meant it too. The younger thought she was going to die from sheer joy. And as always, she was reluctant to leave this place. The only place where she'd known true happiness.*
Faith snapped out of her reverie just as she stepped through the threshold of the Summers house. She was back in her cold, harsh reality, where nobody gave a shit about her. Where she always seemed to get hurt when she opened up to anybody, even little Miss Beautiful Blonde Bitch over there.
"I'm back," Faith said shortly.
"Have fun?"
"Yeah, whatever." Faith stalked into the kitchen to get something to eat. She reappeared moments later with a bag of Chili-Cheese Fritos.
"Hungry?" asked Buffy.
"No, I'm just eating because I'm bored," replied the brunette sarcastically.
"Coulda fooled me," snapped the blonde, suddenly on the defensive.
"Jeez, nothin' gets past you, does it B?" All of a sudden, Buffy jumped off the bed and had Faith pinned against the floor, and was beating the hell out of her.
"Don't even fucking start today, Faith," she snarled between blows. "I ain't in the fuckin mood, okay?"
"Fine, just -oof- let me up." Buffy slammed her fist against the other slayer's abdomen twice more before finally letting her up.
"Christ, don't you ever know when to quit?" growled Buffy, panting from the effort it took to bring the other girl down.
"Guess not," replied Faith, licking the blood from her split lip. "That was fun. We oughta do it again sometime."
"Don't get smart," warned an extremely angry and frustrated Buffy. "Unless you wanna do it again."
"Nah, that's okay. I think that's more than enough excitement for you today."
"Fuck you, Faith. I'm going to my room. Don't even think about following me," and with that, the blonde turned around, marched up the stairs, and slammed the door to her room.
"Christ, you never learn, do ya Faith?" she asked herself. "Bad enough that you weren't there when beefstick dumped her, but to piss her off like that?" She heard music coming from Buffy's room upstairs, and held her breath to make it out.
It was a song she recognised instantly; Fuel's "Hemorrhage (In My Hands)." The last time she'd heard it, her best friend Jase was playing it on his guitar right after the girl he liked shot him down, and right before he committed suicide while fighting a warehouse fire. The memory brought a tear to her eye.
//Don't fall away, and leave me to myself Don't fall away and leave love bleeding In my hands, in my hands again Leave love bleeding In my hands, in my hands Love lies bleeding//
Story of your life, ain't it Faith, she thought to herself. Yep, seems like there ain't nobody around to give a shit about you.
//And I wanted You turned away You don't remember, but I do You never even tried//
Sounds like the story of you with that little blonde bitch up there, don't it Faith, that little voice in her head continued. Maybe you should grow some balls and tell her how you feel.
But what if she rejects me? asked another part of her brain. I don't think I can take another rejection.
Rejection's nothing new for you, is it Faith? chimed in the self-loathing part of her. There's nothing that you have that other people want, is there? Just look at yourself. And obediently, Faith looked down at her scarred body. Look at all those scars, the voice continued. Look at your bloodstained hands. Those lying lips. You haven't gotten to shower in three days, and you smell like a sewer. Christ, who would ever want you, Faith?
"Nobody," she whispered out loud in a choked voice.
That's right. Nobody. And especially not your beautiful friend Buffy. She's got enough love to last her a lifetime, the voice went on. What would ever make you think you ever had a chance with her? Nobody loves you, Faith. So just end it all and get it over with.
Okay, she thought. You know what, Blondie? Fuck you. It's all over.
She got up, grabbed a pen and paper, and scrawled out a note for Buffy to find. She said she was sorry for loving her, and that she realised that she was doing nobody any good by living. That she realised that nobody cared about her, and that she decided that it was better to pass on her Slayer powers to somebody else.
Somebody people would love, she thought as she signed it. She slammed the door shut, and walked out into the rapidly growing darkness.
First time you ain't gotta worry 'bout vamps and demons, she thought to herself.
She quickly walked down to the warehouse district, and felt a pang of recognition as she passed the charred shell of the warehouse that Jase had died in.
Looks like I'm comin' to see ya, Bad Boy, she thought as she walked by it. A tear came to her eye as she finished the thought. She'd always called Jase "Bad Boy," and he'd always called her "Bad Girl."
She finally came to her destination: Sunnydale's business district. Namely, the tallest building in Sunnydale, the Cairns building. Home offices of Cairns fire helmet manufacturers. The building was 30 stories high.
Looks like this is the final stop, F, she thought as she scaled up the fire escape. No turnin' back now.
Her thoughts wandered back to the last time she saw her best friend. The misery on his face as he played his guitar. His voice cracking as he told Faith about how the girl he'd loved shot him down and then refused to speak to him ever again. And the shocking similarities between their situations.
After Jase's suicide (only Faith had known that he'd ventilated in that fire-weakened spot on the roof on purpose; everyone else thought it was an accident that he'd chopped a hole in such a bad spot), she went and found Jackie, the girl that had broken Jase's heart, and nearly put her through a wall, all the time screaming, "You killed him! You killed my best friend!" There was no remorse at all in Jackie's face, just a look of indifference. And when she'd finally said "So what? He's dead. No big deal," Faith lost it. She put the girl into the critical care unit at Sunnydale Memorial Hospital for two months, with internal injuries.
Nice girl wasn't she Faith, the voice of self-loathing started again. Such a pretty girl. At least, she was until you got to her. But she deserved it, didn't she? Killing your best friend and all.
Faith finally reached the roof, and walked over to the edge. She imagined she could see right into Buffy's living room window, and that she just crumpled up the note and threw it away. And then finished Faith's bag of chips.
"This is for you, sweetie." And then, grinning that mad, sycophantic grin, she jumped.