It's Been Awhile
by In-transition
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I'm not that lucky. I borrowed the song
lyrics. This song fits Buffy and Faith so well it's unbelievable.
Author's Notes: I wanted to write this for so long but someone wrote a
fiction about this song already. But I'm having serious writer's
block and this fiction has been in my head for a long time. I don't
remember what the other fiction with this title was about but I hope
I made this different. Someday I'll write a fiction that has
nothing to do with a song. Hah.
I'm not writing in cannon because this fiction would take place somewhere
in Season 6 but I don't like Season 6.
Feedback: It's what I live for.
It's been awhile. I'm not the same anymore. I no longer have the confidence I used to. I'm not that cocky teenager I was when I first came to Sunnydale. I hope Buffy will be able to see that. It's been awhile. We haven't talked in so long. We haven't laughed or had fun together in so long. I miss that. I miss the way it used to be. Slaying then bronzing, dancing it up with all the freedom we possessed. I can't explain why I did what I did but I'm living through the consequences now.
I know how badly I fucked things up. I just want to make it up to her. I want her to know how much I am sorry and how I can't live with myself knowing she still hates me. I just need to find some kind of peace with her. Even if she doesn't accept my apology I'll live better knowing I tried.
It's been awhile. I haven't seen the way you looked on a Friday night at the Bronze, when your hair is just a little messy from slaying but it's a look only you could pull off.
I'm getting out of jail now, I'll go back to Sunnydale and make things right because it's been while since I said I'm sorry.
I close my eyes and I wait as I hear the prison gates close behind me. I'm free. I'm scared. I don't know when I became such a coward. Isn't prison supposed to make you hard?
Anyway, here I am. Walking up Revello Drive. I dreamed about this moment. And I'm expecting the worst. Maybe I should have called first? I don't know. But my plan is to say I'm sorry, avoid a beating and get the hell out of there. On the other hand, maybe she will forgive me and we can go back to the way things were. But that's just a fantasy and I know it.
I walk up the steps and flick my cigarette in the street. The lights are on in her room and I'm praying she's the only one there. I don't need a confrontation with the Scoobs right now. I give the door a hard double knock and take a deep breath.
She opens the door and steps back when she sees me. I don't know if she's surprised or scared.
"Hi Buffy, can we talk?" I ask nervously.
"When did you get out? Why are you here?" She seems aggregated now and I've only been standing in front of her for 5 seconds.
"I got out last night, I hitched here from the jail. I just want to talk." She opens the door wider and steps aside. I take this as an invitation and walk in. The house is the same as I remember. The smell of the house brings back so many memories.
"How are you?" I ask and she sighs.
"Does it matter? What do you want to talk about?" She asks. I can see the change in her. She looks so tired. I wish I could bring back the old Buffy, the one that I fell in love with. She seems so cold.
"What happened to you Buffy?" She looks at me surprised that I asked that question. It seems like she wants to cry but don't know how.
"Nothing. I got older Faith, that's what people do." She says and sits down on the couch. I sit beside her and sigh.
"I came back to tell you I was sorry for what happened. I can't offer you an explanation. I wouldn't know where to begin. Things just got fucked up back then..." I practiced this speech many times but I can't seem to remember it. I'm looking at her; I just want to know what happened to her. My apology and getting her forgiveness no longer seems important.
"Please tell what happened to you?" I ask and I hope she can hear the concern in my voice. She looks up at me and I see tears in her eyes.
"When I came back, I knew something wasn't right. I wanted to be dead again. You don't know how peaceful... No one can understand Faith. Not even you." She lets a tear fall down her cheek. I lift my hand and wipe it away.
"Help me understand." I want to know her again. I hope she'll let me.
"I just don't feel right anymore. I was supposed to die. That's how it is. That is our gift." She looks away from me. I wonder if she ashamed of her crying.
"Buffy, look at me. You were brought back because there are people here that need you. I need you. And maybe it's selfish on our part to want you here but this is where you're supposed to be. With your friends and your sister. When Angel told me you died I didn't want to live anymore. The only motivation I had when I was in jail was the thought that one day I would see you again. I'm alive today, and I have you to thank for it." She turns to me and buries her head in my shoulder with a hug. I can smell her hair and perfume and I know it's good to be alive. I wrap my arms around her and we stay like that for minutes, maybe hours I wasn't keeping track. Soon she falls asleep leaning against me on the couch. I whisper in her ear that I love her and I swear I see her smile.
We can get through this together. It's the way it's supposed to be.
"It's Been A While" And it's been awhile Since I could hold my head up high And it's been awhile Since I first saw you And it's been awhile Since I could stand on my own two feet again And it's been awhile Since I could call you And everything I can't remember As fucked up as it all may seem The consequences that I've rendered I've stretched myself beyond my means And it's been awhile Since I can say that I wasn't addicted And it's been awhile Since I can say I love myself as well And it's been awhile Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do And it's been awhile But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you And everything I can't remember As fucked up as it all may seem The consequences that I've rendered I've gone and fucked things up again Why must I feel this way? Just make this go away Just one more peaceful day! And it's been awhile Since I could look at myself straight And it's been awhile Since I said I'm sorry And it's been awhile Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face And it's been awhile But I can still remember just the way you taste And everything I can't remember As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me I cannot blame this on my father He did the best he could for me And it's been awhile Since I could hold my head up high And it's been awhile Since I said I'm sorry