Leather and Cigarettes
by I_sa
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything…only a sick mind, and my insanity…
Author’s Notes: Haha! I did it. No song in this one, no sir! So yeah, this is
supposed to be the continuation of ‘Why’ but it could be a stand alone if
you wanted. Um, I make Faith’s life look pretty fucked up, so I apologize. I don’t know how
the hell it ended up this way, I completely idolize Faith. Even before I
knew she was coming back to the show I made up a completely watered down
version of what should happen. Faith was supposed to spend her time in jail
and get pardoned for good behavior. Buffy would forgive her tell her that
she loved her and they would live happily ever after. Haha, I was a little
disappointed that she broke out of jail, but hopefully she’ll find
redemption in other ways. Feedback is defiantly welcome.
I am totally itching for a smoke right about now. G-man is droning on and on about some demon as I and the other Scoobies sit around the library pretending to listen, nothing new. I’m not really paying attention and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one. All I can think about is that I could really use a smoke. My pack is in the back pocket of my leathers, pressing into me, mocking me.
I feel like shit, and probably look like it too. Last night I walked home and cried myself to sleep. The room was silent, but inside my head I heard my dad talking to me in his drunken slur, “Don’t be a wuss Faith. Big girls don’t cry.”
I found this absurd considering that every night, I was the one to tuck my dad in. After coming home I would find him on the couch drunk out of his mind and crying. It used to piss me off, I really wanted to give him a little bit of his own advice and it took a lot of self control not to tell him to walk it off or something. After a while I let it be. I would put a blanket over him, collect the empty beer bottles, and before I turned out the lights he always said the same thing. “Don’t ever fall in love Faith. It will only make you a drunk bastard like me,” he would then laugh a little, which eventually turned into a sob and he would cry himself to sleep. That was when my mom first died. It really got to him.
The bastard made me who I am today. I haven’t drunk one sip of alcohol (which some find hard to believe) since the day I found him with beer bottles scattered all around the room and a bullet in his head. Fucking bastard.
It was easier to come out stronger in the end. I didn’t want to turn out like my old man. I felt like I was literally pushed into adulthood. It was like I skipped the whole adolescence part of life, and went from childhood, to adulthood in no time flat.
After dropping out of school, a little bit of leather, and two packs of cigarettes a day, I was called and hauled my ass here, good ol’ Sunny Hell, California. I was reserved and it was easier to play the confident bad ass than show the Scoobies who I really was. Lies, they were all lies. I mean come on, wrestling an alligator? I haven’t even seen a real alligator in real life, let alone wrestle one. I felt weak, afraid to let anyone in. My watcher had been murdered right in front of my eyes a few weeks before and yet another person that I loved had been taken away from me. It was easier to cover it up with lies and a confident grin.
It was all pretty overwhelming, playing someone who I wasn’t. I started to slip, as I lost a sense of who I really was. A few weeks ago I caught the tail end of Queen C’s conversation with the other Scoobs when I went to the school to pick B up. I wanted to have a little fun, so I decided to try to get B to ditch the rest of the school day for me so we could do a little damage. I don’t know why I let it get to me.
“She has skank written all over her. I mean come on people, we don’t even know the girl, and you guys are putting your trust in her? I mean, who the hell is Faith anyway? We don’t even know her last name.”
God damned fucking bimbo cheerleader. I left the school in a hurry, unseen by the rest of the Scoobs. I was decidedly sick, and I went to my hotel room to sulk. The conversation played over and over in my head.
Who was I really? I tried to think back to who I was before the leather and cigarettes. The truth was that I couldn’t really remember. The only thing I actually could, was my mom tucking me into bed with a cigarette in one hand and the other caressing my face. “You’re a good girl Faith,” she smiled.
That’s probably why I find cigarettes so comforting. My mom would sit next to my bed smoking a cigarette as she read a bedtime story to me. It’s funny to imagine, but it’s true. I was destined to be a smoker.
No matter how fucked up my parents were I still loved them both. The only reason why I ended up fucked up had nothing to do with the way my parents raised me but everything to do with my parents leaving me. It’s almost pathetic.
I was still chain smoking and completely lost in my thoughts when B came to pick me up so we could slay. I probably looked pretty freaky, smoking, staring at the TV that wasn’t really on, and a bunch of cigarette butts all around me, on the floor, the bed, everywhere. The ashtray lay beside me on the nightstand. The pile of ash so high that one would have to see it to believe it.
She gave me a worried smile and asked me if I was all right and if I was ready to go. I would have said no, that I wasn’t in the mood, but I heard my dad’s voice in the back of my head telling me not to be a wuss, and said okay. I needed to clear my head anyway.
We headed to the other side of town. I was still fairly new to Sunny D, and word hadn’t fully gotten around that there was another slayer in town. It was B’s way of a surprise tactic. B always came up with the strategy and I always just came along for the ride.
It was easy to find the vamps; they were the ones that came to us. I quickly took one on, putting all my effort in it, fully intending to let off some steam. I punched him in the face and I could hear his nose break underneath my blow. He covered his nose in pain and looked up at me surprised. I grinned confidently. He distracted me though. “Who are you? Who the fuck are you?”
The other vamp knocked me over from behind, and the next thing I knew I was on the ground and both of them were coming at me. I totally went space cadet as the words, ‘whothefuckareyouwhothefuckareyou’ played over and over in my head. I felt the vamp near my neck and waited for it to come.
The next thing I knew B was there in front of me, with tears in her eyes, repeating over and over, “You’re Faith, you’re Faith…” she had taken both of the vamps out. She told me later that I had been saying, “Who am I? Who am I…” over and over to myself, to no one in particular. I hadn’t realized I was crying until she gently wiped my face with her sleeve. I remembered asking myself how the hell could I be so weak and that’s when she kissed me. That’s when I completely forgot about my dad’s advice.
I played her game for a couple of weeks. Lovers by night, completely platonic around the Scoobies by day. I had been waiting for her to make her decision, and I’m pretty sure she had tested me last night, in order for her to make the right decision on whether or not she wanted to be with me. That’s what all the staring and the kiss was about.
I look at her across the table from me as I pull myself out of my thoughts. Giles is still going on and on about the demon and I can’t help but wonder when the hell this Scoobie meeting is going to end. She hasn’t looked at me since she got here and I’m starting to get the feeling that she had opted negative on the whole wanting to be with me part. I suddenly feel nauseas and I want to puke. A cigarette is defiantly in order.
It doesn’t help much as I finally catch the end of Giles' speech about the demon. “It finds satisfaction in ripping the heart out of its victims stomping on it. So watch out. The demon is remarkably fast.”
It almost makes me want to laugh. It's better than wanting to cry. I get up; deciding that I really do deserve that cigarette right about now. I mutter something about needing a smoke and head out of the library doors.
She followed me out as I light my cigarette and inhale. I feel comforted almost immediately. I don't know whether or not its because of the cigarette or just the fact that she's here with me right now. I sigh and turn to look at her as she moves to stand next to me. “What’s the plan B?” I try not to sound hurt. Don’t be a wuss, right? Like I said, B comes up with the strategy and I go along for the ride. No matter what.
I almost jump out of my skin when I feel her hand take mine. She looks me straight in the eyes and says, “Us. Me and you, taking on whatever demons we have to.” They were loaded words, and at first I almost think she is talking about the heart-stomping demon thing. But her eyes tell me otherwise. She smiles and takes the cigarette from my other hand and puts it out. She looks at me with a mock of disapproval and tells me that smoking would kill me one day.
“B, I’m pretty sure that lung cancer isn’t what is going to kill me one day,” I protest but I smile anyway. The look she is giving me is making my stomach do flip-flops. She ignores the comment and kisses me. I feel warm, like I've been exposed to the cold way too long, and I get a tingling sensation that washes over me and almost hurts. Buffy warmness.
We have a hell of a lot of demons to take on, but we were going to do it together. That’s all that matters.