Why
by I_sa
Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Don’t own the Chosen Two although I really would like Eliza Dushku for Chrismas…Heh…I also don’t own the song. I do try to write lyrics once in a while but it doesn’t turn out as good as this song. It’s called “Why” by Avril Lavigne. I read in an article somewhere that it was her first song. It is so raw and so “Lavigne” that I was instantly obsessed with it (almost as obsessed as I am with Ms. Lavigne herself) that I had to put it into a fic.
Author's Notes: If it sucks sorry…heh, just had to throw that in. Um, I left it opened ended, so this could either be left a stand alone or if I actually get my lazy ass up and out of my books (school sucks) I might write a sequel. Maybe. Also, I’m new to writing f/f fic so feedback would be greatly appreciated.

She always does this to me. She gives in a little and then she pushes me away. She has done it from the very beginning. I don’t think she will ever stop. And I allow it to happen every time…

	[Why, do you always do this to me?
	Why, couldn’t you just see you through me?
	How come you act like this,
	Like you just don’t care at all?
	Do you expect me to believe
	I was the only one to fall?]

We went slaying tonight like every other night. But then she got quiet all of a sudden and just stared at me. I’m used to people always staring at me. Hell, I’m a Leo, I welcome the attention. I bask in its glory and make a show of it. But it’s different when it’s her.

	[I could feel, I could feel you near me
	Even though you’re far away
	I could feel, I could feel you baby
	Why…]

Insecurity was never an issue with me. I was cocky since day one. I have the goods. Why not flaunt it? But when I’m around her I feel naked. I instantly get butterflies in my stomach so I stopped walking. She just kept staring.

	[It’s not supposed to feel this way
	I need you, I need you
	More and more each day
	It’s not supposed to hurt this way
	I need you, I need you, I need you]

So I thought to myself, “Okay, do I have something on my face or something?” She was starting to scare me. I gave her a little smirk. My patented confident grin. What is she going to throw at me this time? I could handle it. Stuff like this has happened a lot lately. Then all of a sudden she’s really close to me. Our lips are almost touching. And fuck me, where the hell did that confidence go? I know it was here just a second ago.

	[Tell me, are you and me still together
	Tell me, you think we could last forever
	Tell me, why…]

Everything was happening in slow motion. But it all lasted for only but a few seconds. And then her lips were on mine. Kissing her heightens my senses. Leather is never a good thing with heightened senses. My skin burns with every touch. It burns with every second that passes. And the leather isn’t helping much. I feel like I’m on some sort of high when I kiss her. If she were a drug I would be an addict for life. She is my addiction. And I will never be able to get over her. Just think of some sort of rehab for love. You could make millions of the idea.

	[Hey, listen to what we’re not saying
	Let’s play a different game than what we’re playing
	Try to look at me and really see my heart
	Do you expect me to believe
	I’m gonna let us fall apart?]

She knows how I feel about her. I don’t have anything to hide and I sure as hell don’t try to hide my feelings from her. We have been playing this game from weeks now. Friends around the Scobbies by day, secret lovers by night. Or at least I think. I love her. But does she love me? It’s a game of risk. And I’m risking it all. My heart, my soul, my whole being. I would give her all I have. Anything for her.

	[I could feel, I could feel you near me
	Even when you’re far away
	I could feel, I could feel you baby
	Why…]

There has always been something between us from the very beginning. A sort of energy around us that no one could touch. But when we stood there kissing the whole world around us stopped and the air sparked with electricity. The chemistry was enough to make my heart stop. And fuck me, as she deepened the kiss and I eagerly took every thing she gave me I could of swore my heart really did stop.

	[It’s not supposed to feel this way
	I need you, I need you
	More and more each day
	It’s not supposed to hurt this way
	I need you, I need you, I need you
	Tell me…]

We’ve kissed before. We really have. But one kiss from her turns my whole world around. And I’m swooning. Me, Faith, is swooning. It totally clashes my whole bad girl image. I seriously have to put myself in check. Bad girls don’t swoon. They don’t get weak in the knees. They don’t want to cry out of happiness over a little kiss. They don’t cry period. But here I am. She pulls back and she wipes away my tears.

	[Are you and me still together?
	Tell me, you think we could last forever?
	Tell me, why…]

I really do love her. But I can’t play her game anymore. I can’t hide the fact that I love her from the rest of the world when all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs that she is my everything.

	[So go and think about
	Whatever you need to think about
	Go on and dream about
	Whatever you need to dream about
	And come back to me
	When you know just how you feel,
	You feel…]

She has to sort her feelings out. She knows that I love her. She has to be the one to make the decision. I’ve already made mine.

	[I could feel, I could feel you near me
	Even though you’re far away
	I could feel, I could feel you baby
	Why…]

She starts to walk. And there goes the ‘pushing away’ part. I think I freaked her out when she saw me crying. It must freak her out that she is the only one that sees me. Or at least the real me. I look like I’m easy and that I would give it up to anyone but really I’m closed up and off limits when it comes to the rest of the world. Only her. Only her…

	[It’s not supposed to hurt this way
	I need you, I need you
	More and more each day
	It’s not supposed to hurt this way
	I need you, I need you, I need you
	Tell me…]

I sigh and walk the opposite direction. I will be there when she finally makes decisions about the way she feels. I will always be here for her. Even if it actually means that I will never be with her.

	[It’s not supposed to hurt this way
	I need you, I need you
	More and more each day
	It’s not supposed to hurt this way
	I need you, I need you, I need you
	Tell me…]

My heart aches. My whole being screams for her. But then I have to ask myself, “What hurts more? When I’m not with her or when I am?”

	[Are you and me still together?
	Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
	Tell me, why…]

My love for her will drive me to the brink some day. I will go insane. I heard a saying by Plato once, “Love is just a serious mental disease.” It is amusing when I think of it. I could imagine myself in a strait jacket screaming, “B! B! I love you! I love her! B!” Let the insanity come. I’m twisted that way. The story line to my life has always been out of the normal but deserves a happy ending. Let’s hope the hero gets the girl.

...continued in Leather and Cigarettes...