Somewhere In Between
by Jacks
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, they belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, Fox, and the
WB. Also, Lifehouse’s "Somewhere in Between" is not mine. It’s an awesome song,
though. No copyright infringement is intended. ** Denotes part of a
dream, ~~ Denotes lyrics.
Spoilers: Season Three and Season Four.
Dedication: This is for Tori, for being so cool, and reading it
before, so I didn't make a fool of myself, and for coming up with a
title for me.
Faith shot up from the bed in her cell. Her heart was beating fast and she was sweating. Every night, she woke up from the same dream. Her mind would play back the point in her life when everything went wrong, starting with the accidental murder of Allan Finch. And even though she knew she was dreaming, while she was dreaming, she still had no control over it. She had no choice but to watch and relive it again and again.
She took a deep breath, and exhaled. She went over to the small sink in the corner. Her hands were shaking as she splashed her face with cold water. She sat back down on her bed. Her thoughts drifted over the previous year’s events, even when she was awake. She was constantly analyzing them, over and over, as if that could change what happened. Her head began to ache with painful memories. She closed her eyes and lay down, trying not to fall asleep, but losing to the dark slumber that overtook her.
And it started again.
** She was sitting on her bed, in her dingy hotel room. She was drinking, anything to help forget. I killed a man tonight. She stumbled into the bathroom. I felt the stake go through his skin, pierce his heart. She leaned over the sink. I saw the look of absolute confusion and fear, deep within his eyes. I look into the mirror, but I do not see myself, instead I see him, looking right back at me, with those eyes. She realized it would always be with her. That look. Forever. She shook her head, turned the light off, and walked out.
~ "I can't be losing sleep over this, no, I can't.
And now I cannot stop pacing," ~
I lay back down on my bed, but I don’t feel tired at all. I don’t know what I feel. My reality line is fading. I am losing my grip, losing control. I need to walk, I need some fresh air. I grab my leather jacket and slam the door behind me.
An hour later, she was wandering around the streets of Sunnydale. What do I do now? There was no way to fix this. Her mind was filling with too many different thoughts and feelings that she couldn’t comprehend.
~ "Give me a few hours I'll have this all sorted out,
If my mind would just stop racing." ~
She felt dizzy and dropped to her knees on the sidewalk. She stayed there until the she got a hold of herself, and she looked up. She was kneeling in front of Buffy’s house. How did I get here? She found her window, and saw her light was off. Could Buffy sleep? Was she having nightmares? Was Buffy seeing his face everywhere she turned? Probably not. Why would she? She didn’t kill him.
When Faith realized what she’d done, she had been truly scared. The world around her seemed to freeze in that moment. She turned to her "friend" for help, but was pushed back by her. Buffy knelt by him and looked up at her. The once serene and calming green eyes that Faith loved staring into, now held fear, shock, and, most of all blame.
~ "Cause I cannot stand still,
I can't be this un-sturdy,
This cannot be happening." ~
I was so close. Close to bonding with her. Close to having a real friend. Close to being able to trust someone. Close to being a part of Buffy’s life. There was a bond between them, that if completed, no one human or demon would be able to destroy. But now it had been severely damaged, before it even had a chance. Buffy might not need it, but Faith felt like she would die without it.
After that, everything went downhill. Buffy and Angel tried to "help" me, but I pushed them away. They didn’t know what I needed. The Council tried to take me away, and failed. But now I have a plan. She walked as confidently as she could into City Hall. Would he buy it?
~ "This is over my head
But underneath my feet." ~
She would pretend to be his ally, do a few things for him, get the goods on him, and then she would be the hero of the day. Then they would take her back. I convince the Mayor to allow me to work for him. Afterwards, while walking out of the building, I feel a sharp pang in my stomach, and I run to the bushes, and vomit. He may have bought it, but could I actually do it?
~ "Cause by tomorrow morning
I'll have this thing beat," ~
I have no choice. I have to prove I’m not a screw-up. And I will do anything, anything to make things right between me and B. This is the only way.
~ "Everything will be back
To the way that it was," ~
This would fix everything, I thought.
~ "I wish that it was just that easy." ~
Boy was I wrong. She couldn’t count the number of evil "errands" I ran for the Mayor on two hands. And things started to change. He started becoming like a father to me, the father I never had. **
Images flashed through Faith’s mind as she slept. He had bought her everything and most of all, he had genuinely cared for her, and maybe even loved her. But now everything he had bought for her, given her, were tainted with each of her victims’ faces. Then those images stop, as if they were just a preview for the movie. At that point, her mind began to play back one of the worst nights of her entire life, the night before Graduation.
** Tonight I expect Buffy to come. I know she will. I’ve tormented all of her friends, especially Deadboy, who is probably on his "deathbed" at this very moment. It’s sad to think I have to hurt her to get her to notice me. If Buffy was really as smart as everybody thinks she is, she would have realized why I did what I did. All of it, any of it. Every act was a cry for help, pleading for Buffy to try to understand me. Every act more desperate than the first.
~ "Cause I'm waiting for tonight," ~
There is a small place in my heart, which carries a tiny sliver of hope. Hope that maybe Buffy won’t be coming here tonight to fight, but to say "this has to end or it just went too far," and Faith would agree. Then Buffy might say, "I’m sorry, will you help us?" And I would. I am willing to give it all up; the Mayor, his presents, his love, and his trust to help her, but Buffy had to want it, had to ask for it.
~ "Then waiting for tomorrow," ~
Because no matter what happened here, He would rise tomorrow.
~ "And I'm somewhere in between," ~
And I will be there, on one side or the other. Either, standing loyally by her Boss, the man who cared for her and treated her just like a daughter, or she would be standing on the side of good, right next to B. The Chosen Two back in action, like it should be, always be. But it’s not up to me. **
Faith’s body started to shiver. She was reacting to the pictures in her head. Her and Buffy fighting, always fighting. Her body wrenching around until a final memory was shown, then her body jerked suddenly, and lay still.
The next few parts of the dream were real hazy. She couldn’t tell if they were old dreams that she had before, or if they were true-life memories. All she knew was they were not good.
~ "What is real and just a dream (la da da . . .),
What is real and just a dream (la da da . . .),
What is real and just a dream (la da da . . .)." ~
** Her and Buffy making a bed. Buffy driving the knife in further. Her and the Boss having a picnic. Buffy stabbing him. Running away from Buffy. Falling into a grave. Buffy standing above her. Rain, rain on her face as she starts to scream. An empty hospital room. **
The next few "scenes" in her dream went by even faster, only slowing down when Faith was in the most pain.
** I am walking through the streets of Sunnydale, again. Not believing Buffy and the Scoobs had actually defeated the Mayor. She had this empty feeling from the loss of the only person who loved her, even if he was evil. A feeling that I should avenge his death. Being at Giles’ place and seeing the Scoobs, again. Seeing Buffy cuddle with a stranger, at this point I feel jealous and also some resentment. Buffy was with a guy, who wasn’t even the one she almost killed me for. Feeling a dull ache in her heart, an ache that turned to anger. **
Then it speeds up again.
** Tracking Buffy down at school. Fighting with Buffy, always fighting her. Getting a package from a mysterious demon, playing it. Seeing the mayor on tape, on TV in front of me. Feeling the power of his present in my hands. Changing bodies with Buffy. Tricking her friends, sleeping with her boytoy. Fighting Buffy in my body, always fighting her. Switching back. Running away on the train. Going to LA. Getting hired to kill Angel. Trying to kill Angel. Wanting Angel to kill me, end my pain. Then everything went dark.
The next image that comes to me is Angel trying to help me. After all she had done to him. Then they were being attacked, me killing the demon, blood all over me, losing it, Angel trying to calm me down. Then all I hear a voice, "What-- How-- What are you doing?" It was Buffy. Then everything went into slow motion.
Buffy and Angel arguing. I’m standing up. Buffy glares at me. I want to apologize, fix things. How? Angel telling me to go upstairs. Slowly, I walk up the stairs. I see Cordy, and Wes. Wes running towards me. Telling me and Cordy to get downstairs. Going back to face B. Being attacked again, by Watcher guys. The next thing I know, B and me are on the roof alone. I want to fix this, I tell her. We both knew it went too far.
~ " Would you catch me if I fall
Out of what I fell in." ~
She doesn’t want to hear me. It’s easier if she doesn’t listen, always has been. I beg her with my eyes. Listen to me! Please tell me how to make it better, I plead.
~ "Don't be surprised if I collapse
Down at your feet again," ~
Before she could say a word, we are being shot at. Buffy grabbing me, and pulling me to safety. Buffy leaving to go fight a Councilman, telling me to stay. Stay? I can’t stay. I can’t help. I’m useless. I run. I run away.
~ "I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this, " ~
I come to a stop in the middle of a dark alleyway. I can’t leave this, him or her. Not this time. This is my mess. I’m tired of running. My legs give out underneath me.
~ "Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this un-sturdy
This cannot be happening," ~
I need to face the consequences. I sit in alley, and I hear the sirens. That’s it. I need to go to the police station, I need to confess.
I am in prison now. It was hard at first. Hard not to react too harshly when someone attacks you. Hard to let the guards just beat you. Hard not to fight back. I just need to stick it out, this was my choice. I don’t regret it. Months pass, it gets easier. I know I have the capability of truly changing here. This place, this building carries the key to my salvation.
~ "Cause I'm waiting for tonight,
Then waiting for tomorrow," ~
I will stay here until I have turned every trace of my darkness into light. I try to face each day with a new outlook and at night, I wait for the next day to come. It’s very slow, and sometimes very painful, but I know with every passing day, I am getting closer to my redemption.
~ "And I'm somewhere in between," ~
I hear Angel’s voice. He visits me. He tells me that ‘The Powers That Be’ have a reason for making me have this dream over and over. He figures they want me to pick up on something, something I hadn’t before. And every time I wake up, not knowing anymore than the last time, I feel failure. What was it? I always wonder. It almost drives me crazy.
This time is different, though. This time I know. It is all so clear to me now. It’s what I need to complete my journey to recovery. It’s what I’ve always needed. Buffy Summers. Not just her forgiveness, but her. I knew that I had always loved her, but this was more. The connection we have, it is stronger than love could ever be. She is essential to my existence. As I am to hers, but she doesn’t understand that yet. They want me to realize that even though I am a Slayer, born with above-average powers, there are some things I cannot do by myself. I am not made of stone. They want to accept the fact that I need someone to help me, complete me. But not just anyone, my other half. We are two parts to a whole, and without both parts together in unison, they both will parish.
The dream is getting fuzzy now. It must be coming to an end. It usually never runs through to present day. It has come close, but it is rare. I feel myself floating, and a bright light surrounds me. This has never happened before. I squint my eyes, to look around.
There is a figure coming towards me. She becomes clearer as she nears, but I know who it is even before then. We come face to face. She looks older, worn. I remain silent, waiting for her to make the first move. She looks up at me, studies my face, and very gently murmurs, "I think I’m ready now." I look at her and tell her what I’ve been waiting months to say, "I’m sorry, Buffy." She nods in acceptance. Then she reaches forward with one hand, her palm facing me. I extend my own hand. Our palms meet and a brilliant flash of white shoots out from our hands. And it’s over. **
~ "What is real and just a dream (la da da . . .),
What is real and just a dream (la da da . . .),
What is real and just a dream (la da da . . .)." ~
I wake up to the sun shining on my face through the bars. I haven’t felt so rested from a night’s sleep in a very long time. From what I can tell, it’s late morning. The guards usually have us up at 6 a.m., at the least. I smile to myself, thinking somebody or something else had something to do with it. I go on with my day as usual, but the environment surrounding me is changing. It gets lighter and brighter.
I don’t know for sure if that version of my dream was a "Slayer" dream. I think it was, I felt her, but I can’t rely on it. And I don’t know if I will ever have it again. So now I sit in my cell, writing to Buffy. This time I don’t hold anything back, like I have in the past. I let her know all of my feelings, from day one. I go through page after page. I am so wrapped up with it, I almost don’t hear the guard, opening my cell door. "9612965! You have a visitor!" I set my notepad down. Angel! I can’t wait to tell him about the dream and my discovery.
I walk into the visiting room. The atmosphere is different, almost peaceful. I immediately knew it wasn’t Angel who had come to see me. I felt her. I pull out the chair and sit down. I gaze through the glass at her. She looks the same from the dream. She looks intensely at me, her eyes searching for any of the maliciousness my face had before, conceding that there was none. "Hi," she mouths. "Hey," I mouth back. There is no more anger behind her eyes, they are back to the beautiful green I love, only they’re tired now. She picks up her phone and I do the same.
~ "What is real and just a dream (la da da . . .)," ~
"I think I’m ready now," She speaks softly.
~ "What is real and just a dream (la da da . . .)," ~
"I’m sorry, Buffy," watching her eyes as I say it.
~ "What is real and just a dream (la da da . . .)," ~
She nods and puts her hand up to the glass. I match it on my side. There’s no big flashy white light that shoots from our hands, instead I feel it warming my heart. We stay like that for a while.
~ "What is real and just a dream (la da da . . .)," ~
It was just like our dream. But I decided to add a little something extra. Something that should have been said a long time ago. I take in a deep breath and go for it.
"I love you, Buffy." I tell her, my eyes never leaving her face.
She smiles. "I love you too, Faith," she replies, without any hesitation, her eyes locking with mine. Everything falls into place, and we both know that everything will be all right between us now.