The Flying Car
by JaHo
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: OK let's get this straight. This intellectual property is NOT mine. Kinda like the 'Buffy meets Cruel Intentions' FIC. I saw this clip that Kevin Smith had filmed. But, I thought it would be a totally perfect dialogue between Buffy N Faith. So I re-wrote it like this….. So then, in short, Joss owns Buffy and Faith. Kevin Smith owns the dialogue. Get it? OK I'm not making any money. This is just for fun.
Buffy and Faith were in their car. Traffic was at a total standstill on I-95.
"Ya know, it's times like this I know that we were totally lied to by 'The Jetsons'." Faith said.
"What are you talking about?" Buffy said.
"Well, according to 'The Jetsons' we'd all be floating around in flying cars by now. You see any flying cars lately? That's the problem with TV, it always lies to you."
"Well, Faith, some of us weren't looking to a cartoon to give us a real glimpse into a future, ok?"
"I gotta believe there's somebody who's out there, thinking about a flying car besides me…someone who's not afraid to throw their hat over the wall for the good of mankind."
"What's that mean?"
"Throwing your hat over the wall? It means someone who commits to doing some shit instead of bitching about it. If more people threw their hats over the wall, we wouldn't be stuck in traffic, B. We'd be cruising over it in a flying car."
"I see you've put a lot of thought into this, Faith." Buffy was beginning to get interested in this conversation.
"Ok, take JFK for example. When he was President, he stood before the world and promised a man on the moon within ten years."
"Yeah?"
"Thing is, he had no evidence to back up his claim. Nobody had started on the space program. But you know what he had?"
Buffy shrugged. "Well, he had a hottie like Marylin Monroe."
"Well, other than that? He had balls. He had the balls to stand in front of the world and say: "Hey we're going to the moon." Can you imagine if more people had that kinda balls?"
"That's true." Buffy agreed. They sat in silence for a few minutes, still unmoving. The traffic refusing to budge a bit.
Finally Faith looked over at her. "Hey, what would you trade for a flying car?"
"Trade?"
"Yeah, say some German scientist comes to you and says 'I have created the flying car and I'll give it to you on one condition'."
"What's the condition?"
"He's not gonna tell you until you give your answer."
"Well then, no deal."
"Why not, B? He's offering you the flying car."
"But there's a catch…"
"Who cares what the catch is? You've got the flying car!!!"
"I do, Faith!!" Buffy was clearly getting flustered now.
"What is this? 'Murder She Wrote'? Who cares what the mystery is? You'll have the only one in the world." She hesitated. "Ok…the catch is you hafta cut off a foot."
"No way." Buffy said resolutely.
"You wouldn't cut off a foot for the flying car? You're that selfish?"
"What's fucking selfish about that? How the hell am I gonna walk, after that?"
"Fuck walking! You'll have a flying car!" Faith retorted, grinning. "You could sell the design to car companies and be a billionaire! Then you buy at least a hundred prosthetic feet."
"Fine then." Buffy gave up. "Which foot?"
"You choose."
"Ok, the left one."
"Why the left?" Faith asked.
"Because I've got an ingrown toenail."
"Look at you, B." Faith said in disgust. "Some guy is offering you a flying car and you offer up a bum foot in trade?"
"Hey you said I could choose!"
"So, it's a deal? Your foot for the flying car? You can't welsh on the deal."
"I won't."
"Good because the whole world is counting on you…now you find out that he's gonna take off your foot with a hacksaw and no anesthetic."
"This is too much. No fucking way!"
"Well that's part of the deal. You shoulda had a lawyer look over the contract, B. But he'll give you a local anesthetic as soon as he's done."
"Why cant I have the anesthetic BEFORE he hacks my foot off?"
"Because, he's a sick degenerate who loves to inflict pain."
"I thought he was a man of science!" Buffy blurted.
"You don't think that Einstein liked to hack people's feet off? Nobody said anything about it because he was famous. Come on, B. Take one for the team!"
"Fine…" Buffy resigned with a sigh.
Faith grinned. "So you want the local anesthetic, when he's done, right?"
"Who am I, the Marquis de Sade? Of course I want the local."
"Alright…" Faith shrugged.
"Why'd you say it like that?"
"Well…" she continued. "it makes you drowsy and knocks you out. Then while you're out, he plays with your pussy…"
Buffy was horrified. "Ok screw this hypothetical conversation. Fuck this old prick!"
"Hey YOU made the deal, not me."
"I made a deal to trade my foot for a flying car! I never agreed to being molested by some old scientist!"
Faith sat in silence for a few moments.
"See? That's what's wrong with this country, no wrong with the whole friggin' world. You're always thinking about yourself. You've spent almost 25 years of selfish foot pampering and (if I do say so myself) hot sex with me, and it's made you too much of a softie to throw your hat over the wall!"
"That's bullshit." Buffy said to her. At this point Faith knew she had her lover on the ropes.
"Well, you completely blow it for the rest of us, with the flying car. But what's more, you deprive all future generations of a positive role model. Therefore, we continue on our downward spiral into the primordial ooze. All that's thanks to you, and your refusal to reach out."
Buffy's brow furrowed. "Alright!" she exclaimed. "I go through with the deal! I'll let the German scumbag hack off my foot and then have his way with me! But gee, I guess it's worth it, because it's all for a flying car!" she said sarcastically.
Faith sat in a contented silence and grinned. She'd won. Then turning to Buffy she said:
"You'd have sex with some old dude just to get a car?"
They both collapsed in a fit of laughter.