Love, Hate and Fate
by KC Hights
Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: I own nothing cuz I'm one poor student. All characters belong to Joss Whedon, the WB, Fox, and everyone else.
Spoilers: Well, not much spoilers since this story kind of exists only in Buffy's alternate universe. However, it sort of continues from Season 4, except that Faith never turned evil, never got stabbed, never went to jail, etc.
Feedback: Yes please.

+1=2=3=4=5+

PART 1

I gazed at those greenish-blue eyes of hers, and for a brief moment, I was lost in the beauty that stood in front of me. Fearing for what might happen in moments like this, I turned away and once again ignored the chemistry between us.

I can't remember when I first started to feel this way. I think it all began on the day I came to Sunnydale. Ever since then I've considered myself to be the luckiest person on earth. How easily it was that she accepted me into her life, and gave me a chance to see the world through her eyes. I was nothing before I met her, nothing at all. I think she knows that what we have was beyond friendship; beyond the bounds that would keep the world we thought we knew from falling apart. Perhaps she feared what I feared, afraid to show the feelings that we tried so hard to hide, feelings that we knew we can only deny for so long. But I don't ever regret feeling this way.

After all, who wouldn't be in love with someone as perfect as Buffy?

"I thought you're going to the movie with that.. beefstick," I said as I escaped her gaze to look at the walls.

"Ya, I was going to. But I figured I stop by here first and see how you're doing. I mean. Are you feeling better now? You know, you nearly scared me to death last night. THAT vampire just came out of nowhere…" her voice trailed off as she reached for the wound on my left arm.

"I'm five by five, B. Don't worry about me k?" I smiled, "I think you should really focus more time on catching that movie of yours. I don't wanna ruin your night."

"But…I….umm….you're....hurt. I can't just go and fun while you're like this. You know how much I care about you. " She replied.

I was quiet for a moment before whispered, "I know you care about me, B."

It hurts so much not being able to hold on to what you love. Watching the only person you've ever wanted going off with somebody else just drives you nuts. But there isn't a goddamn thing I can do about it. Buffy doesn't love me. She never has and she never will. I'd be a fool if I thought that she would love someone like me. I knew what I had to do, and what I need to do to keep the person I love happy.

"Look B, I'm really tired. Can you please just spare me the talk and let me get a good night sleep?"

"Oh…sure thing Faith," her face frowned and turned away from me. "I guess I'll see you at library tomorrow then. Giles' got something he wanted to talk to us about."

I walked her out the door and waited for her to say goodbye. Buffy pulled me in for a hug but I didn't respond. I kept my arms to my sides and struggled to keep myself from doing anything stupid that would broke our fragile friendship. She let go of me and walked away. I watched her disappear into the dark ally and felt the pain in my heart that only she could stir up.

PART 2

(The Library)
Giles made it pretty clear that he wanted Buffy and me at the library first thing in the morning. I wonder why Giles became so pushy with the whole patrol thing all of a sudden. I mean, ya, the vamps these days did seemed to grow a lot stronger. It's either that or slaying no longer turned me on. FAITH not turned on by slaying? Hell no! And this could only mean one thing, something is definitely wrong.

"Hey B, how did it go last night? Did you boinked that beefstick with that super-strength of yours?" I yelled at the first sight of her entering the room.

"Again with the sex, Faith, you really odd to try something new here." She replied as she walked into the room and stopped in front of me. "And no, to your question, I did not boink Riley. We just had a really nice talk after the movie."

"Oh come on B. Can you honestly say that nothing spicy happened last night?" I grinned at her, trying to dig out as much info as she would allow me.

"Why? Why do you care so much about what I do with him?"

I stared down on the floor and avoided any possible eye contact only to let the silence grew louder between us. It's not like I really have a choice not to care. I just needed to know if she's really in love with him. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the words I'm about to say. Nervously, I blabbed, "I care... because I'm in love with.."

I was cut off by the sound of the opened door and Giles came in with a sword in his hands. Buffy and I immediately changed from awkward situation to acuminate Giles' entrance.

"What's up? Giles."

"Oh, hi, Buffy. Faith." He walked until he was beside the table, "I have something I wanted to show you two."

"I see, a new collection to your medieval weaponry uh?" Buffy responded while giving me a look in the eye. The look on her face assured me that we're gonna have to finished that conversation about Riley later.

Giles eagerly moved to address what he had in his hands. "What you see here is an ancient weapon with a force so powerful to the slayers. This is the Sword of Good and Evil; the slayers have used it back in the early 14th centuries. The Sword has the power to embrace the holiness of god, and use it as act of justice."

"What da hell does that mean?" I cut him off with that question, wanting to know just what damages this baby can do.

"The blade of this sword changes from the dark black you see here to crystal white when it is in the hands of the slayer during battle. The color white is actually caused by the holy water emitted from within the core of the sword."

"So what you're saying is that we get to burn these vamps and chop them at the same time?" Buffy was amazed, but nonetheless amused by the thought of this new way to kill.

"Yes Buffy, that's exactly what it does." Giles replied, "But there seems to have problem with this sword, hmmm...I'd have to check up on that." Giles reached for his books on the desk.

"Mind if Buffy and I bail from the research work?" I said and took the sword in my hands, "We can take this baby out for a test drive."

PART 3

Buffy and I took the time to patrol early that day. We dusted some vamps and checked out the new weapon that Giles gave us. It's powerful all right; the sword made the slayings a lot easier, not to mention that it was quite a sight to see Buffy acting all childish when she tried it out. She practically ran after the vamps when they fled from the graveyard and into the night.

"B! I think that's enough for tonight." I yelled to her as she chased the last vampire out of our sight.

"Oh, ya..I think so too," she paused and turned around. "Sorry, kind of got carried away back there." She said with a smile, and walked back to where I was standing.

"So, this is it. I guess I'll see you tomorrow then B." I gestured goodbye and was about to head home when she reached for my arm.

"Umm...Faith wait, mind if I crash at your place tonight?"

I couldn't help but look surprised at what she just said. I guessed Buffy picked up on that rather quick and continued, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a bother...it's just that. Well, Tara's staying over at our place tonight and Riley is at this Initiative training program thing. So I kinda need a place to stay for the night."

I felt hurt by the fact that Buffy thought of me as a backup, that she only needed me when she's got nowhere else to go, no one else to turn to. But all pain I felt didn't mattered, as long as she's happy.

"Sure B, whatever." I said, "It's cool."

*****

(Motel)
I was trying to distract myself from the thought of spending the night with Buffy by surfing through the scrambled channels on TV. Buffy walked out of the showers wearing one of my oversized t-shirt. Her small-framed body with her hair wet looked so incredibly beautiful. Soon, I couldn't help myself but to stare at her.

"Ya, I know, it's kinda big, but very comfy." She smiled at me and made her way over to the bed. "So...how do you wanna sleep with me?"

"Huh?" My mouth drop and I looked at her in awe. It's the second time that she had surprised me tonight.

"I mean, what side of the bed do you want to sleep on?" She laughed at the expression on my face.

"Oh, right, I'll take the left." That was all I managed to get out of my mouth before I rushed to take a shower all embarrassed.

When I got out Buffy was already asleep with her head to the side and her body all curled up. I tried not to make any noise and walked to sit on the edge of the bed. Silently, I watched her sleep. There were just no words to describe how beautiful she looked, and how perfect she is. Every breath of hers seemed so peaceful. I felt my heart stir at the sight of her sleeping in my bed. I wanted so much to be the one to hold her in my arms even if it's only for one night. One night. I could never ask for more. I never expected much, never expected anything in return. Nor have I ever dared dreamed that she would love me back. Fate had this way of torturing me; it always has. And here I am. I've fallen in love with this amazing person and yet, I must learn to let her go. I must learn to accept the person she chooses to give her love to.

Part 4

(Motel)
I woke up to find Buffy's arms wrapped tightly around my waist, her head rested on my shoulder, and her hair all over my face. I placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, and brought my hand up to stroke her hair lightly, trying not to wake her. It took me a while before I realized that this was not a dream. That this was not one of my crazy obsessions that manifested itself into reality. That this was real, Buffy's real, and for the first time in my life I finally held her in my arms.

It was not long before I started to blame myself, before I began to deny all of this being real. <She's asleep for God sake. She doesn't know whom she's cuddling with.> And so my insecurity surfaced uncontrollably, and my thoughts began to scatter with fear. Buffy snuggled closer in her sleep, pressing her body to mine. I struggled to sit up without waking her, unhooking her arms around my waist only to discover how strong the grip was.

"Faith...hmmmm...What's wrong?" Buffy whispered as I moved to get up.

"Nothing B. You go back to sleep, k?" I replied, but I couldn't hide the fear in my voice.

Rubbing her eyes, she sat up and moaned at the sight of daylight. I felt her hands on my back as I sat quietly on the edge of the bed, facing away from her.

"Faith...You okay? Did you have a nightmare or something? Why are you trembling?"

"It's nothing B...just leave me be."

I knew I couldn't hide my feelings from Buffy. She has always been able to see right through me. I knew I wouldn't be able to get off that easily this time.

"Faith! Tell me. Why are you like this?" She pushed in a little further until she had both of her arms on my shoulder and her body leaned up against me.

"Why am I WHAT B?!" I raised voice at her, and stood up to get away from her touch. "STOP asking me okay? There's nothing wrong."

I was confused in this mixed feeling of love and hate, and I didn't know how else to deal with it. I hated myself for not being able to love her, or at least tell her how I really felt.

"Well, if nothing's wrong then why the hell are you angry at me?" Buffy said. I could tell that she was hurt, "Faith, just tell me. I don't want you acting like this."

"Fine B! You really wanna know huh? Are you sure you're prepared for what you're about to hear? Cuz what I'm about to say is going to change that little perfect life of yours, and everything else you think you know about me." I yelled as I turned to look her right in the eyes.

"I'm IN LOVE with you Buffy, and do you know what that means? It means waking up to find you in my arms and I can't stop myself from wanting you more. I just can't help it. I've wanted you since the first time I saw you. And you have no idea what I'm going through just lying there with you in bed. All the pain that I'm feeling because I know you are with Riley and I know you'll never love me."

I finally put that in the open, but regretted immediately. Buffy stood there on bed, speechless. I knew I screwed up again, and the voice inside my head kept telling to run. I NEED to run, I NEED to get away from all this. I headed for the door as the tension between us became nearly unbearable.

"Faith...wait, don't run away from me." Buffy came up behind me and grabbed me by the arm.

"Just leave me..." I said, but only to find myself silenced by the touch of her lips.

PART 5

(Motel)
I was tired of this constant battle between us that kept us apart. I finally let myself go, finally allowed myself to embrace the woman that I loved. Our minds could try as hard as we wanted to deny it, but our bodies knew the truth. In what seemed like an eternity, I knew from this very moment that we belonged together. We belonged here on and forever.

"B," I spoke softly. She shifted; barely making a sound she whispered my name.

I reached out a hand, surprised by how much it shook, and gently cupped her face in my palm. I traced the line of her jaw, torn between wanting to kiss her again and wanting to simply stare into those beautiful eyes of hers. With every fiber of my being I wanted to make love to her and lose myself in her warmth, to dominate her body with my own until neither would ever be able to deny again that she belonged solely to me.

"Faith...I...We...shouldn't be doing this." Buffy said when we parted.

"...I...umm...okay." I backed off and drew some distance between us.

"No, it's not that Faith." She read me too well. "I mean, we should talk about this. We should talk about us."

I love this woman. What more is there to say about that? And now, more than ever, I couldn't bear to be away from her.

Without a word I stepped in, closing the gap between us I kissed her again. She moaned into my mouth, pressing her body onto mine when she felt her knees weaken by the kiss.

I traced the line of her neck with feather light kisses, and slipped my hands up her shirt, making contacts with her bare skin. I ran my hands up and down her back. Whatever it was that B wanted to talk about was quickly replaced by the sound of her laboring breaths.