Where The Heart Is
by Kelly Smith
Rating: NC-17
Dedication: This Chapter is for Kevin. There was a point when I was making my notes, setting out my plan, and I was on this chap, pondering which way to go... so I asked him. And this is what he voted for. I'm glad.
The slayers had split into two main groups for the upcoming battle. One group would go underground, would follow Willow’s directions and find Buffy. Save Buffy. The other group would man the shoreline, beat back any slime that looked for a short cut into the city, and if the worst came to the worst..? If the prophesy was fulfilled..? Then these would be the first people preparing to face the king. To protect humanity. Wes and Giles had researched every single little nugget of information that they had been able to uncover about Nylorac, spent days reading and re-reading, cross referencing until at last they had settled upon a possible description of the King. Although he was in fact very large, the size they had first been led to believe was a myth. He could never swallow the whole of the western coastline in one go. They estimated that it would take at least two sittings.
Now that the slayers had left, Giles slumped in his chair and buried his head in his hands, he didn’t fight battles anymore, not really… not much past the odd vampire or two, just to keep his hand in. But today he had wanted to fight. Had argued with Faith until he was blue in the face, but all to no avail. The only people fighting were slayers. Even Willow had a hard time convincing Faith to put her in the front line, only the fact that her magic could help, getting her a trip to the coast. No way was Faith letting her underground.
Wes and Gunn had also been relegated to the bench for the fight, Faith had seen them in the sewers, seen how little good they could do against the slime demons, wasn’t prepared to put them in there again. Wasn’t prepared to risk slayers lives to protect them. They had taken it hard, to them Angel was their responsibility too, their friend. Being brushed off had been a bitter pill to swallow, only accepting it in the end, because it made sense. They WERE crap against the Nyloraci. Wes was still carrying the bruised ribs from last time. This wasn’t the first occasion that he wished he possessed slayer strength and healing.
Deep underground the first army of slayers was already deeply entrenched in fighting. The directions had been correct, the lair was exactly where it should have been, but the girls couldn’t get near it. All the tunnels leading in were barricaded with demons, and as hard as they fought, the slayers were making slow progress. They knew they had to give more, had to go faster. The ‘ritual’ was due to happen at sunset, and the time was drawing ever closer.
The second army were in position along the coastline. Watching, waiting. Being watched. Demons were gathering, the horizon was almost blocked by the number of minions that had gathered for the King's arrival. All of them waiting for sunset. Their time to come.
The sun it seemed though didn’t want to set. It hovered in the sky, dipping so slowly, as if it knew that it might not rise again. That giving up its place to the moon could mean an end of days. The demons lulled it on, urging it with the steady stream of chanting, the hissing rising up to batter the ears of the waiting girls.
The slayers were aware that the sun was losing its battle against nightfall, against dusk. As it finally disappeared, its last rays vanishing, the girls all felt the familiar rush of blood, the keening of senses, a rising of power. This may be the time for the ritual, but more than that..? It was THEIR time. A slayers time.
Below the ground, the warring girls also felt the passing of the sun. Felt the moon rising, felt confirmation of their empowerment. They surged forward as one, an arrow of death, shooting through the demons and the defences until the lair was reached. Until finally they could see the reason they were all here; Buffy.
The altar seemed to raise right up from the centre of the room, just stone slabs, nothing fancy, no glitz, no glamour, a basic structure for a basic act. Faith’s eyes found it first, were drawn to it the moment she had entered the lair, at the front, leading. What she had seen had frozen her for an instant, she felt the urge to hurl, to vomit out the hurt from the depths of her soul. Buffy was there, tied there… restrained, her skin so sallow, the colour of bruises and bites so livid against the dullness of background. She didn’t seem aware of anything going on around her, she just lay there, broken.
The chanting filled the cavern, added to now by the yells of the slayers. They attacked full throttle, all of them desperate to clear a path to Buffy, to stop the prophesy from coming to pass. Faith, herself, went into overdrive, drawing on everything she’d ever known as a fighter, utilising every muscle, attacking anything that moved. She HAD to get to Buffy. Not only had she witnessed her laying there, defeated, but she had also seen Angelus. Seen him approaching the naked form, seen him touching her, seen him preparing to banish his soul forever in the woman she loved. It was pushing her forwards, calling her on. Drawing her closer and closer.
Angelus was aware of the intrusion, knew the slayers were there. Had expected them. It didn’t stop him, didn’t phase him… he had waited too long to posses Buffy, nothing would stop him from fulfilling his desire, from claiming his prize. He stalked her now, touching her flesh with the cold of his fingers. Caressing the blemishes which still marked her skin, his markings, his work. It made him proud. He leant forward and ran his tongue across her neck, her last wound was still open, still seeping a thin river of blood, and he allowed it to tickle his senses, arouse his lust, let his teeth sink back in as he mounted the altar to be with her.
As he positioned himself between the legs of a helpless Buffy, Angelus allowed his eyes to roam across the battle raging around him, every act he committed sought to utilise pain, and now he wanted to find Faith. To share with her this ultimate moment, the moment when he would take Buffy, and then kill Buffy. His perfect moment of happiness.
Faith could feel his eyes as they fell upon her, felt the hairs raise across the back of her neck, felt the cold dread seep through her body, turned and met his gaze. Froze with understanding. It was if the world melted away for her then, as if what was going on around her ceased to exist, his eyes were drawing her in, holding her captive. In her mind she was thrown again into the alley, begging, pleading with Angel to make it end, to kill her, to release her, only this time it wasn’t Angel’s ears that her pleas fell upon. It was Angelus laughing down at her, allowing her to beat his chest, to scream her pain.
She could hear his words in her ears as if it was real, it felt so real.
“I would’ve done it, Faith. I WILL do it.”
And then she could feel it. His teeth in her. His mouth at her. It felt exactly like last time, he was tearing at her throat, gulping down her life, and she was getting weaker and weaker, could feel herself giving up. Feel herself slipping away.
“Faith!”
Kennedy’s screams released her from her binds. Her mind freed from the hold Angelus had exerted upon it, and not a moment too soon. She ducked under the swinging arm of a demon, and swept his feet from under him, making sure her fist connected with such force to his head, that she wouldn’t have to waste time with second shots.
“Thanks, Ken.”
“Don’t mention… now get Buffy, I’ve got your back!”
Faith focused her attention again on the altar, what she saw making her scream out obscenities. He was on her, Angelus had mounted her, was drinking from her neck, Buffy just lying there pliant, no fight left in her. Barely life left in her.
She threw herself forwards then, parting the demons like the red sea, gaining ground with every second, almost close enough, almost there. She could feel her fist tightening around her stake, aware of nothing but the feel of wood against skin, the power in her arm. Seeing the monster violating Buffy had stripped her to her most base form, the warrior inside taking over all that she was. As her eyes watched him thrust into her, she felt her arm drawing back, preparing, she was aware as he lifted his head and his eyes locked with her again, saw his blood tainted smile as it twisted his face, saw the delight he was taking in making Buffy his prey. The next instant she felt her own thrust, felt her arm fly forward, her hand release, her stake thrown. Witnessed the euphoric expression on Angelus’ face as he felt the soul preparing to be finally gone from his body, saw it burning bright in his eyes, heard the stake hit home. Her gaze fell immediately to his chest, witnessed her perfect strike, her piercing of his heart, felt the thrill of slayer lust as the vampire turned to dust.
It shocked her.
She had thought in the hours leading up to this, in the days just gone, that this would have been hard, that staking Angel would destroy a part of her. But at the moment, for the first second, she was only aware of the joy. Of the kill.
And then her eyes fell on Buffy.
She looked so small. So empty. Just a lifeless body, laying chained to an altar.
The slayers who had been manning the coastline had been semi aware of what was happening under the ground. As the sun had set, the demons had spilled forth from the sea, encroaching upon their land, their city. They had fought them well, fought them valiantly… had each of them seen the silhouette of Nylorac as he had begun to appear before them. A great shadow cast across the sea, waiting for the final moment when the gate to his hell would be opened and he would be freed. They had also seen AND heard the instant in which that was foiled, the demons as they began to screech, no longer hissing, but screaming out their failure, their extinction. Could not know whether Buffy had been saved, only that Angelus had been stopped, that the demons no longer had a reason for being here, that they died much easier once their existence was futile.
Willow was using her magics. Trying to reach out and find the minds of the people she loved. To ascertain that they were all ok, that they had all made it. That none of them had died. But she couldn’t find all of the minds, couldn’t make a connection, and a silent tear left her eye as she realised what that meant.
The air hung heavy in the waiting room at the hospital. Yes, they had won, yes, the prophesy had been laid to rest, but in the face of their losses, the victory felt empty. They felt empty. Everyday slayers learnt to deal with death, with destruction, but that still didn’t desensitise them, didn’t protect them from the pain they felt when they lost one of their own. Couldn’t protect any of them from feeling the weight of their own fragile mortality.
Willow and Giles sat slightly apart from the others, their grief more personal, their desolation more pronounced. To lose not only someone you worked with, but also someone you had loved was something that both of them had suffered in the past. Too many times. And still it hadn’t become any easier. Never became any easier. Willow’s plaintive sobs bearing witness to the breaking of her heart.
“Why, Giles? Why? Everyone I love dies! Everyone.., is it me..?”
She was pushing the words from her mouth, even though she felt too exhausted to speak. After the battle she had tried to find her friends immediately, had looked for them first with her mind, and then in the flesh. Only finally believing what she had feared, when she had found Faith. When she had seen the confirmation in her eyes, heard it from her mouth.
“…did I do something wrong..?”
Her voice slipped into silence, the merest hint of a whisper.
“…am I a bad person, Giles? Is that it?”
He didn’t know what to say, didn’t think that there were any words he could say. The most he could find to do was to wrap his arms just that little bit tighter around her, offer her the comfort of human contact, the warmth of not being alone. He knew it wasn’t much, but he hoped that it helped, hoped it gave Willow something to hang on to.
The sound of the doors gave them a second of something else to focus on, a moment of not thinking the same thoughts. It was Faith. She looked dead on her feet, all the hours of the last few days rushing to catch up with her. Every moment she’d spent not prepared to sleep, not prepared to take an ounce of rest, weighing heavy in each of her limbs. She’d been through it today. In so many different ways. Couldn’t remember any other time in her life when she’d felt so utterly overwhelmed by the myriad of emotions she was made to endure. Not even her darkest time was this screwed up. She wanted to scream, to shout, to whoop, to holler, to laugh, to cry. And she sure as hell wanted to sleep. But she still couldn’t. Not yet. There was still miles to go.
She slowly approached Willow, still had to tell her the details, still had to explain what had happened, how she let it happen. It was so fresh in her memory, playing on a loop. Every detail, over and over, from the second she had entered the lair. It was plaguing her, making her wonder if she could have done anything different, changed the outcome. Prevented the heartache.
Willow allowed Faith to envelope her in her arms, to share her pain. It was different pain they were feeling, two different kinds of loss, but both of them drew comfort from what they could share.
Faith was the first to speak. To offer condolences.
“I’m so sorry, Red… so sorry.”
“Tell me how it happened, Faith… I need to know how.”
Faith broke apart from the warmth of Willow’s hold, needed to distance herself… she couldn’t stop thinking about it, seeing it… she didn’t want to speak about it, not yet, but she knew she had to. Knew she had to give Willow some sought of closure.
Her shoulders slumped as she made to sit down, collapsing under the weight of everything she bore.
“Wait, Faith…”
Willow had recognised the despondency in the other girl, remembered how much she had also been through, so much more than anyone else maybe.
“…how are YOU holding up..? Are you okay..?”
She didn’t look okay. She looked lost. Overwhelmed. But at Willow’s words, she steeled herself, hardened her defences against anymore pain.
“I’ll be fine, Red… five by five. Don’t worry ‘bout me, ok?”
“Of course I’ll worry about you…”
She offered Faith a glimpse of her resolve face.
“…and there’s nothing you can do about it, so don’t even try.”
“Bossy broads… I like it.”
They allowed themselves a small smile, a small second of relief, before Faith began the telling. Shared with Willow the last moments of Kennedy’s life.
“It was so fucked up, Red… the noise was deafening, all that chanting… and there was so many of them, way more than we thought, too many to keep a sense of…”
She could see it again behind her eyes. The lair filled with demons.
“…we could see B, they had her chained to some fucking slab, an altar maybe… but it was so far away, we had to fight our way through, just swinging and killing, really fucking letting fly…”
She remembered Kennedy at her side, matching the demons blow for blow.
“…she was awesome, Red… and then… shit, then I saw him, and I zoned. I dunno, maybe it was some vamp mojo, but I just lost it… had Angelus in my head, and it was so real… I fucked up, let him get to me, and if it wasn’t for her..? Man, she saved my ass… saved Buffy’s ass…had a demon just about to make mince meat of me, she gave me the heads up…”
She remembered coming round and seeing Angelus at Buffy. Throwing her stake.
“…she said she had my back. Gave me the moment I needed to save B. Helped me break the fucking chains they had her in, lifted her up and put her in my arms…”
This was the bit that hurt. The moment she’d never stop saying thank you for.
“…and I saw it in her eyes. The moment she went to push me out the way..? I knew. Could feel it coming up behind me, knew I couldn’t move, knew I had to hold on to B… and she just fucking pushed me. She must have known…”
Her voice was so hoarse with the emotion, her eyes making way for silent tears.
“…must have known she’d take the blow… but she still did it. She did it for me, she did it for Buffy…”
She allowed her eyes to seek out Willow’s, wanted to convey all she felt.
“…and I am so fucking sorry, Red. If I could’ve stopped her… could have saved her..? I just couldn’t do anything.”
She saw again the head demon, heard its shrieks as it realised what had happened, felt it close in behind her as her arms cradled Buffy, saw the blow meant for her as it hit Kennedy, saw her fall, saw the blood. Felt the pain.
Willow slipped her hand into Faith’s and gave a slight squeeze. It wasn’t her fault, there was nothing she could do. She took comfort from knowing that her death hadn’t been in vain, that she hadn’t died for nothing. Her last act being one of absolute courage and bravery. It made her proud. It didn’t ease the loss, but it offered a small comfort.
“She always got her own way, Faith… you know that. And if her way was doing what she did to save you, to save Buffy… then we have to respect that. Have to love her for it.”
Giles broke into their conversation to ask if anyone wanted refreshments. He hated sitting around these places. The waiting to know how loved ones were faring. If your world was going to be shattered.
“I’m cool, Giles… the nurses made me drink a couple gallons of water so I could piss in a cup for them, wanted to see if I had any internal injuries. I don’t think I could drink anything else if I tried… maybe a shot or ten, but nothing soft.”
“Willow?”
“I’m fine. I’m with Faith. Unless it’s got mind numbing qualities, it’s just not worth it.”
He left to get himself some refreshment and returned with Wes and Fred. They had come not only to catch up on what had happened, but also to be there for Faith. They knew better than most the level of the bond that she had shared with Angel. Understood how hard it was going to be for her to accept what she had had to do. It was going to be a hard adjustment for all of them.
Wes broke through his normal reservations to take Faith in a hug, to offer her words he thought she might need to hear, to let her know that he was there for her, always, anytime, anything she needed… he would be there. Just like Angel had been.
They were words which brought fresh tears to Faith’s eyes. It was all so much. She still hadn’t seen Buffy since they had brought her in, knew only that the nurse said she was strong, and out of danger. Didn’t know if she had woken up… didn’t know what state she would be in when she did wake up. She was buckling under the loss of Kennedy, one of the best friends she had made in LA, someone who was always willing to share a joke with her, companionship with her. And Angel. She hadn’t even gone there yet. Wasn’t letting herself. She didn’t know how to feel, how she should feel. Even though she knew there was no other way, that she would do it again a hundred times over… there was still a part of her that felt as if she had let him down, had given up on him.
“Thanks Wes, I appreciate it.”
“There’s some stuff we need to go over… papers that Angel had in case… well, in case something happened to him…”
“I leave all that stuff to you, Wes. Just let me know what the big guy wanted…”
She broke off there. The doors swung open and the doctor walked through. He met their eyes immediately, having nothing that he needed to keep from them, glad to be able to offer some sort of good news to this bunch of people. He wasn’t sure who they were, what they did… but he’d seen them before. He thought perhaps they might be vigilantes, keeping the streets of LA safe for folk like him, free from gangs and such. Whoever they were, he just had a feeling that maybe he should be thankful to them.
He pointed his look at Giles.
“Are you her father?”
“Yes.”
A little fib never hurt. All eyes turned to the doctor, all ears strained to hear what he had to say.
“Well, she’s rather been through it, I’d say. There was significant blood loss… multiple injuries, lacerations, puncture wounds… luckily nothing looks to be infected, nothing that won’t heal…”
He cast his gaze round the room, knew that some of these girls seemed to recover from injuries super fast. Had seen breaks and fractures heal in record time.
“…she’s just waking up now, we’ve got her pretty juiced up on the morphine, so she’ll be disorientated, but if you wanted to see her for a moment, that would be fine.”
Faith stepped forward, felt she should be first through the doors.
“Giles?”
“Faith, let me go in first. I know you want to see her, but just let me go in. We don’t know how she’s going to react to any of this, what state she is going to be in…”
“I want to see her.”
“…I’ll be quick. Be patient Faith.”
She gave a resigned shrug. Didn’t have the energy left to argue.
The room was bathed in the hues of a breaking dawn. The first light of a fresh day sneaking through the slats in the blinds. Buffy lay silently on the bed, seemingly so small against the large white sheets. Her eyes were open, but she wasn’t focusing on anything. Barely looked up when Giles entered the room. He walked forward and gently reached out a hand to her head, just a tender stroke across her brow, a father's touch. She flinched at it though, not use to a touch that didn’t bring pain.
“Buffy… are you..?”
“Hey, Giles…”
Her voice was tiny, worn out from all the screaming she had done.
“…I’m ok. Sore. Need a new vacation… but I’m ok.”
He perched on the side of the bed, careful not to jog into her. She had bandages everywhere, covering the places Angelus had marked her… stitches in the worst of them. Her skin still lacked any colour, her injuries still shining in stark contrast.
“Maybe next time you feel like going away for awhile, you’ll pick something a little more tranquil… less…”
“Stalked by menacing demon..?”
“Exactly.”
Giles took a moment, knew that Buffy liked to make light in a crisis, to deal with pain by making it bearable. He could also see the tiredness in her eyes, the exhaustion that she was wearing on her face.
“Can I get you anything, Buffy… a drink perhaps..?”
She thought about that. There was only one thing she thought she needed now, one thing which could start to make things better.
“Is Faith here..?”
Giles smiled. He should have known.
“I’ll just go and get her for you.”
He went to leave, barely heard Buffy’s faint call, turned to see what it was she wanted.
“What about Angel..? Did she..? Is he…?”
She couldn’t say the word. Had no memory of what had happened.
“Yes, Buffy… he’s gone. I‘m sorry.”
He saw the flash of pain as it sped through her eyes, the understanding as it settled on her features. He didn’t know how she would take the news. What it would mean to her. As he left the room, he saw that her gaze had again fixed on that place which wasn’t quite here.
Buffy was being bathed in memories of Angel, from the first time she had seen him to the last… it hurt to think he wasn’t there anymore, hurt to realise he was gone… but a part of her..? It was glad. The torment she had suffered at Angelus’ hands was too much for her to forget, would have been in her mind every time she had seen Angel… she never could have trusted him again. Never could have felt safe with him.
She closed her eyes and banished the hurt of Angelus, banished every word he had spoken to her, every thing he had done to her. He couldn’t touch her now, would never touch her again. In her head she said goodbye to Angel. Allowed the silent tears to slip down her face. As she heard the door handle turning, she forced her eyelids open, fought against the morphine to have a clear view. Her eyes opened on Faith.
And she found a reason to smile.
It was five days since she had dressed in proper clothes. Five long days in the comfort of a hospital gown. But not today. Today she was taking her time, choosing her clothes carefully. Sombre clothes for a sombre day. She still felt weak. Still felt overwhelmed, but today she was making herself leave. Returning to the world to wish someone else goodbye.
Buffy glanced around at the now familiar walls of her room. The starkness, the smell… these things all assaulted her senses, and whereas before they would have repelled her, now they felt like sanctuary. Safety. When she had first woken up here, she had been bathed in a morphine daze, able to deal with everything, because nothing felt quite real… but after that..? The next time she had woken up..? That had felt like hell.
Faith had filled her in on what had happened. The events in the lair. What Angelus had done to her. And it was all just so much. Kennedy’s death. Angel. Everything had piled up on her, tormented her, until the point that waking up was scarier than her nightmares. She knew that Angelus was gone, was thankful that he was gone, but she still hadn’t managed to completely banish the fear. Hadn’t managed to come to terms with her own mortality creeping up on her. Again.
She had sought to be alone. It had been hard, everyone wanted to see her, Willow, Giles, the newly arrived Dawn, Xander, so many. And of course Faith. But she didn’t want their company, couldn’t deal with it yet. So she’d retreated. Had spent all her time in virtual silence, not able to make conversation, because she was scared of what they would want to talk about. Didn’t want to relive her hurt in spoken memories, the hurt she was feeling at the unspoken ones was bad enough.
Their worried gazes had permeated her silence, she knew that she should be trying harder, that to get on with life was the only way to go. But not yet. She’d needed the time, needed to make peace with her own mind, before she could move on. Now, today, she felt almost ready. At least ready to see what awaited her on the other side of the door.
Faith had been the most attentive, nearly always there. Morning, noon AND night. Buffy had ignored her whilst she was there, giving not more than non-committal grunts to any conversation starter, and then missed her terribly when she woke to find her gone. On the occasions that she had fallen asleep in her chair, then Buffy watched her. Studied her intently… wanted so much to go to her, to ease HER pain. But she had remained paralysed by her own lack of dealing. Unable to start the healing process. Faith hadn’t been by yesterday, nor this morning… and Buffy just hoped that she hadn’t left it too late. Hadn’t taken too long to reach out a hand.
She realised how hard this day was going to be for Faith. For Willow as well, but especially for Faith. Buffy had never felt particularly close to Kennedy, even in the days after Sunnydale when she had hung with her and Willow for a while, it still didn’t click. They really had not much in common, and when distance was put between them, they felt no need to close it. If Buffy had known though what Kennedy would one day do for her, she would have taken a whole lot more time getting to know her. But that wasn’t the case. So she would do her best. She would go to the funeral and pay her respects, and then she would be there for Willow, and also for Faith.
She would make the most of the life that Kennedy had given her.
Dawn had arrived to take her to the service, her mood reflecting the downbeat slump of Buffy’s shoulders. They hadn’t spoken much on the way to the cemetery, neither of them looking forward to the emotional toll the day was sure to take on them. Dawn and Giles had tickets to fly home the following day, and had also booked Buffy a ticket. They had seen how unresponsive she had been in hospital, and thought taking her home was the best solution. Faith had disagreed, but Buffy hadn’t. Hadn’t said much of anything when the idea was put to her, was still too busy trying to put her head back together.
Dawn had pestered Buffy again in the car for her thoughts, insisted she needed to confirm the flights, but still Buffy couldn’t be drawn. Had said they would talk later, at the beach. After the service. Dawn had finally accepted that and the rest of the journey had bathed in silence.
Now, at the cemetery, Buffy was watching Willow place a final rose on Kennedy’s coffin before it was lowered into the ground. Was feeling the weight of the words spoken, by friends, family, Faith. Words about love, about life, about living.
She herself hadn’t said anything. Couldn’t find the words to say to the wooden box that housed the body of the girl who had saved her life. She would pay her respects later, in private. She had cried tears though, from the moment her eyes had locked into Willow’s, had witnessed her best friend's pain, she had cried. Faith’s eyes weren’t for catching. She was wearing reflective sunglasses, every time Buffy had tried to catch her gaze, all she had seen was her own dejection staring back at her.
It all felt so wrong. Felt like she should be standing at Faith’s side, helping her on. Not the other side of a grave which seemed thousands of feet wide. She didn’t know how to approach her though, didn’t know what words to say after having said none for so long. Usually it would be easy banter, the flow of traded innuendo, the warmth of a shared smile which found them talking. But today there wasn’t room for any of that, so she didn’t know how to go to her. How to comfort her.
As the service drew to a close, Buffy watched as Xander drew Willow into his embrace, placed a hand to her face and wiped at her tears. She longed for the contact. Watched as next Faith clang to Willow, watched them exchange words, touches. Watched the removal of sunglasses, saw the lost look in her eyes. Saw Willow squeeze her hand, watched the hint of a smile return. Wondered how on earth she hadn’t found a way to be there for her.
She prayed that Faith would look up, would offer a small glance her way, just a look because she had to. Because she needed to. But she didn’t. Her head had nearly turned, but then it had dropped, fixed to the floor, and the glasses were replaced.
They all slowly made their ways back to the cars. Everybody would be going to the beach. To Faith’s house. No-one was making small talk, meeting each others eyes. They still had one more goodbye to make. One final farewell.
Faith was stood on the beach outside of her house. She was surrounded by a great many people, all of them here to say goodbye to Angel. To forget the demon Angelus, and to instead say goodbye to the man who had meant so much to them. Done so much for them.
She was dressed in the same black leather pants and black shirt she had worn for Kennedy’s funeral, hadn’t seen a need to change, her mood still matching the colour of her clothes. In her hand she carried just a small ornate little box, the last remaining ashes of her friend and mentor, and as she cradled them, her mind flashed back to the time that she had collected them, gathered them.
She had taken Buffy to the hospital, ascertained that she would be ok, that Giles was there, left him with Willow, and then she had gone. Had retraced her steps and returned to the place it had happened. The place where she had killed him. To the lair. It hadn’t seemed so big when she returned, had seemed eerily quiet, a nowhere special. But the blood which was already leaving stains on the floor, on the altar, spoke the truth. She had bent at the altar, almost on her knees, painstakingly collecting what she could of Angel's ashes. Her tears falling steadily to mix with Buffy’s blood, some of that coating the ashes to leave just a paste. She’d managed to collect so little, but to her it didn’t matter. She had some. And at the moment, surrounded by people speaking words about Angel, telling memories... she didn’t care. That she had something, just a little bit to hang onto, that’s what counted.
Almost everyone who had wanted to say something, had been, there was just the last few left, the ones who had known him the longest, perhaps the ones he meant the most to. As a silence started to stretch out, Xander stepped forward. He looked a little uncomfortable, as if he’d never given thought to standing at Angel’s funeral, to what he would say if that was ever the case. He wanted to though. Say something. Felt he should, not for himself, but for the others.
“I uh… well, I guess I should say something…”
He loosened the tie at his neck as he felt all eyes go to him, felt his mind go blank. He didn’t have much in the way of memories to share.
“…I never really liked the guy, you know..? He was kinda creepy… and he drank blood…”
He knew that had sounded wrong as soon as he said it, caught the pointed look from Willow, and tried to recover.
“…but he always dressed really cool. What with the leather… and the hair, his hair was always well styled…”
“Thank you, Xander!”
He flushed as Willow cut him off, glad for the intervention. He never had liked the guy though… not really.
Willow used her interruption as the beginning of her own remembrance. It was such a hard day for her, burying Kennedy, and now this. She was just grateful that she had had the last times that she did with the other girl… the whispers of promises to try again, touches that would stay in her memory forever. It didn’t make her hurt any less, but it meant she didn’t have to live with the added regret of words never spoken. As for what she had to say about Angel… it was also hard.
“I don’t have a lot to say.., not so good at the speeches anyway. I just… I saved Angel’s soul, you know..? It was his job to save other people’s… and it was my job to save his…”
She looked across at Buffy. At Faith stood close by her.
“…but this time I couldn’t.”
Tears looked to push their way down Willow’s cheeks, and as she stepped back, ran out of head space to make more words, she mouthed a silent ‘sorry’ to Buffy.
Buffy saw Willow’s word, smiled an acceptance. She didn’t need an apology from her, laid no blame at her door for not being able to prevent what had happened. But she still accepted the word… to ease Willow’s pain, didn’t want the girl to feel her conscience burdened by ‘what if’s’. By things she wasn’t able to do. Lives she wasn’t able to save.
She was just preparing to step forwards and speak her own quick goodbye, when Faith brushed past her… stood with her back to everyone, looking out to sea. Still holding on tight to the box in her hands, her pitiful last remembrance of someone who had meant the world to her.
“Me next…”
The words sounded so empty as they floated back over her shoulder to the people behind. She couldn’t face them, had kept her glasses on most of the day so she wouldn’t have to look into anyone’s eyes… didn’t wanna share her pain. Her voice continued, flat. Almost devoid of feeling.
“…I’m not so good at this stuff… at saying shit. Things that mean anything. What I feel. But I guess today I have to… got no choice…”
She trailed off for a moment, her breath freezing. Her mind flashing back for the last time, to her final memory of Angel.
It was from her time in prison. She’d never felt so alone in all her life. Even in Sunnydale she had been able to feel hate, had let it wash over her, invade her… give her a reason for existing. But then she had crashed, and then she was there. And she couldn’t feel anything anymore. Had nothing. No reason to go on. No one. She had sat in her cell, not even thinking… just empty. Truly alone. Until a guard had came. She had a visitor… the only one she ever had. Angel. And she wasn’t alone anymore.
“…he did so much for me. He saved me. He loved me. He believed in me when no-one else did… when even I didn’t. I trusted him with my soul…”
Her voice collapsed on her words.
“…he gave me back my soul.”
The tears flowed freely from her eyes. She didn’t care to wipe them, didn’t care for much. Everything just hurt. The last few days had been hell for her… almost literally. All her emotions had been struggling for a stronghold. Her grief, her relief, her sadness, her joy. But as the days had passed, her reason for happiness had evaded her. Had left her confused. Bewildered as to what was happening, what the future held. And she was just too tired to do it anymore. Was ready to just stop caring.
Faith’s pain was obvious for everyone to see, had many shedding tears for her. She just looked so alone. So forlorn, standing on her own, gazing out to sea. Her words echoing back towards them. She appeared lost, a boat that’s missing its anchor. Free floating, not caring which way it went.
Faith didn’t know how much longer she could hold her breath. Didn’t know why she was holding it. When she had started. Her body was rigid with tension, ready to explode, to combust… it felt like the world was spinning, like she was spinning. She had been in control… was going to make it through… but then talking, saying the words… it was just too much. And now she was losing control, nothing to hang on to.
The touch startled her.
She hadn’t been expecting it. At first just a tug, warmth against her fingers. And then a hand slipping into hers, a hand she had missed so god damn fucking much the last few days, a hand that said it was going to be ok. Buffy’s hand. And then it was a squeeze, a squeeze that reassured, a squeeze that gave her strength. A new anchor.
She released her breath, released her tension, and found the power to continue with the last few words she needed to say.
“I’m so sorry, Angel. So fucking sorry…I just hope you forgive me, that you would’ve done the same… I didn’t…”
Her voice broke at the last, finally giving up. She had run out of words, had only tears.
Buffy knew that Faith had finished, couldn’t say more, could feel her silent sobs vibrating through her hand. Was so glad she had taken her hand. Watching her fall to pieces had been awful, seeing her crumble before them… it had pulled at everything she was. Every feeling she had. She had let go then, knew she had to go forwards, not only for herself, but for Faith.
She gathered herself to speak the expected words. Words that were supposed to touch, to remember. She wouldn’t have much to offer though, the pain of Angelus was still too fresh in her mind to give lamenting prose about Angel. She gripped a little tighter to the hand in hers, opened her mouth to say goodbye.
“I don’t have too many words to say…”
Her voice still bore the signs of her hours spent screaming, rasping in the back of her throat.
“…I’ve made my peace with Angel, and I’ve said goodbye to him. Wherever he is… I know he hears it…”
She looked down at the box still cradled in Faith’s other hand, and for a moment she fought back tears.
“…I love you, Angel.”
She bowed her head to show that she was finished.
Faith took her hand from the safety of Buffy’s, walked forwards and lifted the lid on the box she had been holding. As the wind picked up Angel’s ashes, it also picked up Faith’s whispers.
“I love you too, big guy… I’m sorry.”
Only Buffy heard the words, and she walked forwards to join Faith, to press a hand into the base of her back, a slight rub, a healing touch. It was over. He was gone.
As everyone stood and watched the breeze take Angel on his final journey, they all became lost in their memories. Some good, some bad. Some that would last forever.
The little house on the beach was emptying of people, all evening they had stayed, comforted each other, shared memories. Spoke of the future, plans that would have to be made. Faith was exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. She felt like she was running on empty, couldn’t wait for everyone to just be gone so she could finally think about nothing. About everything. About Buffy.
After the service, after Angel had blown away on the wind, she had looked to her then. Looked for comfort, for sustenance, something to keep her going. But people had crowded her, pushed in on her… no-one seeming to understand that if they just left her alone with Buffy, just gave her five minutes… then she would be better. Then she could start to get better.
She’d kept her eye on her, at first anyway. Had allowed her gaze to rest by her side, even if she herself couldn’t, but there were just too many people. Too many seekers of attention.
When Wes had taken her away for a private talk, then Buffy had been with Dawn and Giles, she’d watched them talking, wishing she could hear the words… wondering if it was final plans for tomorrow they were talking about. She hated tomorrow.
What she hated the most was that she could understand it. Could see why Buffy would need to go home. To rest, to recuperate. To be with family. Didn’t mean that she wanted it though. She wanted Buffy here. With her. Forever.
When she finally got the chance to speak to her, she decided she would tell her. Every single word she had ever wanted to say. All of them. From her first thoughts.
‘Holy fuck! That girl's hot… gonna borrow her stake, impress her with my moves…’
To her now thoughts.
‘I love you.’
She would tell her all of them. Not to force her to stay, not to make Buffy be there for her. No. So that she could be there for Buffy. Fuck it. She’d travel the world if she had to, England beware… if Buffy wanted it, she’d follow her to the ends of the Earth.
But she hadn’t gotten the chance to speak to her.
Wesley had so much to say. So many unknowns to divulge. So many opportunities to pass her way. All so overwhelming, all so more than she could think about. It had stolen her time, stolen her gaze from Buffy, and then she hadn’t been able to find her again.
Faith had looked for her, dodged people’s words to cross the beach, rattled the locked doors on an empty house. Had suffered a slump in hope as she searched in vain. Giles and Dawn had left by time she came back and she only guessed that Buffy had gone with them. Had parted for the final time without words, crossing an ocean without a goodbye. A small part of Faith didn’t let go of the idea that Buffy would come to her in the morning, that the hand in the hand meant all it had felt like. Meant something. But another part told her that this was it. That once again fate would fuck up her and Buffy, take the time and steal it away, ruin what could have been so right.
“Hey, Faith… we’re gonna go now.”
She looked up from her misery. It was Xander and Willow, the final stragglers, the last witnesses to her pain. She took Willow in her arms, was getting used to sharing this comfort with her, was glad that she at least wasn’t leaving tomorrow, was staying on in LA… close by.
“You ok, Faith?”
“Five by five, Red. Totally fucked, sinking fast… but still ‘five by five’, right..?”
“I’m here for you, you know that… anything you need…”
“I know. Thank you.”
They walked slowly towards the front door. Neither Willow or Xander really liked to leave her alone, but that was what she wanted. Searching out the solitude. They’d already said their farewells when a thought struck Xander. A person he hadn’t seen. Hadn’t bid farewells to.
“Faith, where’s the Buffster..? You got her hidden out back or something..? Been keeping her all to yourself?”
He smiled at his suggestion, didn’t notice a smile wasn’t being returned. Only realised by the tone of voice. The detachment.
“I don’t know where she is. I didn’t see her go… think she went with Giles.”
“Oh.”
The silence that covered them was awkward, Xander wishing he could recover his foot from his mouth. Willow just wishing for better times.
“It’ll be okay Faith. You just wait and see. Buffy just needs a little time maybe… it’s been hard on her, hell on her. Just give her the time… let her get better, then you’ll see. She loves you Faith. She’ll come back. I know she will.”
Faith wanted to believe Willow. So wanted to believe. But she was too tired right now. Would sleep on her dreams.
“Whatever, Red… I guess only time will tell.”
They bid their last goodbyes, made plans to see each other soon. And then Faith was alone. Finally able to rest. She knew she probably wouldn’t sleep, would spend the night tossing and turning… seeing Buffy in her head. Touching Buffy in her head. But at least she was alone.
She carried some of the empties from the front room to the kitchen, smiled down at Scoobs empty bowl. At least she wasn’t totally alone. In her head she rewound the time to when she had found him, had heard about the dog washed up down the coast, battered and torn, barely alive. The morning after they had saved Buffy.
At the time she had seen it as an omen, a sign from somewhere that things would be okay, that things would be better. Now she wasn’t so sure, but she thanked whoever anyway. Praised all the lords that someone had seen fit to get him to a vet, that they had found him worth saving. He was still in bad shape, still pretty sorry for himself, but he was home, and he was alive… and that gave her at least something to be happy about.
She grabbed some doggy treats from the cupboard under the sink, and decided to go see him. He was in her room, on her bed… making the most of his convalescence, revelling in being Faith’s bed buddy. She was happy to let him, happy to have someone to snuggle with. A little hairier than she would normally go for… but warm all the same. Comforting.
She opened the door to her room and let her eyes fall on the bed. And she froze. Felt like she was falling. Had never expected.
“Buffy..?”
She hadn’t left. Hadn’t fled without a word. Hadn’t abandoned her, hadn’t left her alone.
The smile Faith found took over her whole face, she’d never known that being wrong could feel so fucking good, so fucking perfect.
She approached the bed slowly, she wanted so much to get this moment right, this one thing in her life right. So much she wanted to beg Buffy to stay, to never leave her, but she knew she couldn’t, knew she had to let her go. And it hurt so badly. But at least she hadn’t gone now. At least she could say goodbye properly. Tell her the words.
“Buffy..? B..?”
She reached a hand out to her shoulder.
“Hey, sleepyhead?”
She shook her, so gently. Not willing to use force.
Buffy slowly started stirring, her eyes squinting before they opened, her eyebrows stretching. When they finally managed to open she smiled at what she saw, ran her hand self consciously through her bed hair, trying to look her best.
“Hey.”
The word was music to Faith’s ears.
“Hey yourself.”
“Sorry bout the sleeping… I just snuck in to visit the wounded.”
Faith’s tone took on mock hurt, a pretence at being left out.
“You mean ya didn’t stay to see me..?”
“Are YOU wounded..?”
Her eyes glowed with sleep and mischief.
“…you want me to snuggle with you?”
They both let their gaze fall to Scoobs, to Buffy’s arm wrapped across him, her body pressed close to him. Within seconds Faith was moving him, trying to ignore his indignant stares at being disturbed. She placed him gently in his basket and took in his drooping eyes and down turned mouth.
“Sorry little guy, but she wants snuggles.”
He turned his nose up, like he didn’t want to hear. Faith looked back at the bed, at Buffy sitting alone. Waiting for her.
“Sorry buddy, what can I do..?”
She patted his head for good measure, turned back to Buffy. She went slowly again, wanting every second to mean something, every detail kept in her memory. Buffy rose to greet her, didn’t want to wait, had waited forever. Felt all the unshed tears filling her eyes as she finally went to the arms she needed.
Faith wrapped her in her arms, tried to offer her everything with her embrace, didn’t know what Buffy needed… didn’t know what to expect. She pulled back as she felt her start to speak. To tell her. Locked eyes with hers. Spoke to her heart.
“I need you Faith.”
Buffy reached up her hand, ran her palm across her face. So gently. A loving touch. No pain, no force, just love and trust.
“I ‘need’ you.”
I need you.’
The words echoed through Faith’s head, reverberated through her body. She believed them, because she needed Buffy too. Now. She could feel the desire, it felt like it was ripping through her veins, taunting her… to take, to possess. But she wouldn’t. She would be slow, she would gentle.
Buffy needed love, and she would love her. With everything she was. It would be the one last thing, the last thing she could do to say goodbye. A final thing before Buffy left. All night she would show her that she loved her, and then she would tell her.
Her voice came out husky but smooth, caressing Buffy’s ears with its honesty.
“I need you too Buffy, for so long…”
Any other words were lost as the blonde girl’s mouth claimed hers. Delicately at first, tiny teasing kisses, so soft they almost tickled her lips, made her smile. And then with more force, still soft, still restrained… but with underlying urgency fighting to be heard.
Their tongues wrapped around each others, stroking together, making tingles spread throughout their bodies, filling them with warmth, it felt so good, so right. And they both needed it so much.
Buffy was the one who pulled back from the kiss, wanted to run her eyes over Faith, wanted to confirm again that this was the Faith from her dreams, that this WAS her dream. And everything she saw reassured her. She stepped back to give herself room to touch, to devour with her hands what she had already devoured with her eyes.
Faith stayed perfectly still, not daring to move or to break the spell. Buffy was studying her so intently, with such need in her eyes. Bringing her hand up to her face to run fingertips down her cheeks. Across the collar of her shirt to the buttons which kept it closed, slowly teasing them open, one by one… and then a caress across her stomach. Her breath catching in her throat at the contact with Buffy’s hand. The muscles tensing unwittingly, straining to make each touch last longer. Feeling Buffy’s lips as they traced their way down her body, such small fleeting kisses, the warmth of her mouth quickly replaced by the cold of the air. As Buffy’s fingers reached behind her, found a clasp to her bra and deftly unclipped it… the little giggle she heard escape from her lips. And then those fingers were playing with her nipples, a graze across and then something firmer, pinching them between her fingers, rolling them. Making Faith pant from the hotness. She could feel her clit coming to life, feel her pussy start to ache as it longed for a touch, for pressure, for Buffy.
Buffy could feel Faith tensing, could guess why. It was killing her going so slow, taking her time to make it real. But she had to. She needed this to heal herself, to banish anything that remained from the last few days, any last hurt that she hadn’t let go of, she wanted to lose it in touching Faith. Wanted to lose herself in Faith.
It was working.
Slowly her nerves, her pain, her sadness… it was all being replaced by desire. By passion. By lust. Her kisses travelled up from Faith’s stomach to the breasts she had been massaging with her hands. She allowed her mouth to close over one nipple, to feel the skin as it touched her tongue for the first time, the way it puckered, seemed to swell for her, to be begged to be sucked, to be licked, to be consumed. Her hands lost their need to lazily discover, they wanted to possess, they wanted to know. What it felt like, what Faith felt like.
She managed to negotiate her down onto the bed, to land above her, her lips still seeking to torment breasts, whilst her hands looked to release the buttons on her pants, to let the skin free.
Faith bucked at the first touch inside of her leathers. As Buffy’s hands sought space within the confines, running her fingers across her panties. She struggled to keep her breath steady, to not let go too quick… keeping control.
“Faith… I need you to help me…”
“Wha..?”
The half word was exhaled, she couldn’t have spoken it.
“I wanna take your pants off.”
She nearly fucking lost it then. Nearly burst out in crazy laughter. It was so surreal. So absolutely perfect, but still surreal. That Buffy had her on her bed, asking for help to take her pants off..? She felt like crying. Tears of joy.
She didn’t lose it though. She smiled her smile, and lifted her ass, wiggled her hips to ease the journey of her pants. Anything for Buffy. And then she lay back and let herself be studied.
Buffy’s eyes were having picnic, Faith was lying on the bed in just the tiniest little black panties, so simple, just covering that last piece of her, a piece that Buffy needed. Now.
It was burning through her, felt like her blood was boiling. Never had an urge to fuck been so clear in her mind. She could feel Faith tensing again, reached out her hand to rub gently across the front of her panties, raised her eyebrows at the wetness she felt there, felt her own pussy throb in response.
“Do you want me?”
She had to hear it, had lived to hear it.
“Oh god… my whole life, I never wanted anything this much…”
She pushed the material to the side, not taking the time to remove it, didn’t have the time. It was now.
Faith gasped at the first touch, moaned low at the second. Buffy’s hands were finally on her, her fingers stroking her clit, sliding up and down, trying to find a rhythm amongst the slickness, and it all felt so damn good. She was arching her back, trying to get Buffy to travel her hands down, to take her… she felt like she would explode if she didn’t have her inside of her, if she didn’t fuck her soon… she found the air to speak… to whisper…
“Fuck me, Buffy… please..?”
It was the last she would speak for a while.
Buffy tore off her panties and then her fingers were inside of her, hadn’t needed further prompting. She’d entered her so fast it had taken her breath, so deep… she could feel her moving in and out, feel her fingers moving inside her, as if Buffy was looking to touch every part of her, to possess every part of her. She loved it. Pushed into it. Fucked Buffy’s hand liked she’d never fucked no other. Went as far as she could and pleaded for more, she wanted everything gone, nothing to exist except what she was feeling now.
Buffy’s mouth was on hers, drawing out kisses, sucking at her tongue, biting at her lips, down to her neck, marking out the place where her pulse beat so fast. Her hand was still going, fingers buried inside, twisting up, stroking her sweet spot… her thumb rubbing insistently against her clit, turning her whole body into sensation, pushing away reality.
It’d never been this good, she’d never lost herself like this, just let it all go. It was building in her, her cunt starting to tighten as her muscles tensed before release. She clung on so tight, held Buffy to her, stopping her from fucking her, just keeping her there as she rode it out, pressed so tight into her, Buffy’s tongue taking over her mouth, no need for air anymore, just this.
Buffy was lost in the kiss, her fingers were inside Faith, she could feel Faith coming, feel it touch something within her, the need to give more, could feel Faith’s juices as they coated her hand, her whole body seeming to freeze, to hold her in place… so she gave more. Fought back against Faith’s death grip to fuck her harder. Tore away from the kiss to move down her body, held her legs in place as she buried her fingers repeatedly in her, in and out… so fast and furious, claiming her.
And she was screaming, and it sounded so good. Buffy had never heard a sound like it. Faith coming for her, because of her. She watched as her own hand stopped moving, felt Faith’s muscles stop contracting… wanted to kiss her. Wanted to taste her.
And she tasted so great. Not like anything before. Yet kind of familiar. It infused her senses, led her on when she might have looked for direction. She traced Faith’s clit, so gently, just the tip of her tongue… it was making her shiver, making goosebumps raise on her skin. She could see them. See the lazy smile that was spreading over Faith’s lips… the obvious approval. She ran her tongue down to her hole, her slit, tasted everything she had made, licked it up, lapped it up, feasted upon it.
Faith was in a daze. Floating somewhere. She could feel Buffy’s mouth on her, so good, it felt like heaven. But she wanted to see, wanted to watch as the girl’s tongue disappeared into her pussy, needed to know how pretty it looked, how perfect it looked.
She raised herself up and wasn’t disappointed, it was beautiful. And she so had to touch her, wanted to taste herself on Buffy. To seal it with a kiss.
She ignored Buffy’s moan of complaint to move herself, to reverse a position so she had the girl underneath her, still clothed, but at least she had her. She brought her mouth to claim her lips, to taste the taste. Her tongue massaging Buffy’s, stoking desire again. She pulled away to look into eyes, to check… to see that it was ok. That she could touch her, wouldn’t hurt her.
She whispered the question into Buffy’s ear, asked if she wanted her, did she need her..?
And then she was fucking her. Her clothes lost so quick, lost to desperation and urgency. She was pushing her fingers inside of Buffy, just one at first, not wanting to do wrong, not wanting to cause pain. But Buffy hadn’t wanted that, hadn’t wanted half of Faith, had wanted all of Faith. Had wanted to banish the last of everything in her.
When she came it wasn’t crazy, wasn’t screaming and mad, it was almost silence. Faith had stroked it out of her so expertly, touched her in all the right places, soft and gentle then hard and fast. She’d let go, given over to it, and then she had come. And now she was glowing. On the bed, Faith half across her, eyes fighting sleep.
In the seclusion of the last days she had worried about this, worried that she would see Angelus when she was in her bed. With Faith. But he wasn’t there. Hadn’t even touched the edges of her conscious. He may have used her, and hurt her, but he had never touched that place that belonged to Faith, had never touched her heart.
‘I’ll save you B.’
It had been those words that had kept her going, kept her heart beating when she sought to give up. Beating for Faith.
She wrapped her arms just a little tighter around her now, gave the snuggles she had promised to entice her onto the bed. Let her mind bask in the come down from euphoria as she sought to find sleep.
“Buffy..?”
The word startled her. She’d been giving in to the pull of tiredness. Relaxing.
“Uh-huh?”
“Open your eyes, doofus… I wanna speak to ya.”
Faith lifted herself up onto her elbow, stared down at Buffy and waited for her eyes to open, waited to speak the words.
“Eyes open, wide awake… now what’s eating ya, baby..?”
And then that stopped her dead in her tracks. She had wanted to be serious, had so wanted to be touching and romantic and all the other kind of things that she imagined Buffy wanted. But how could she let that go? She couldn’t.
“What’s eating me, B..? I was kinda hoping for you…”
She let the suggestion register on her eyebrows, lifting them, let her mouth fall into a smirk, a sexy smile. Buffy rolled her eyes.
“You woke me up for ‘that’?”
“You weren’t sleeping… and so what if I did…”
She used her free hand to trace lazy circles across Buffy’s flesh, dipping lower every time, blazing a trail.
“…you complaining?”
She claimed her mouth in a hot kiss, a wet kiss.
“You had your fill of me..?”
“Never.”
Buffy didn’t need time to consider that question, she knew the answer now. She’d never have her fill of Faith. Never.
“Can I go back to sleep now?”
Faith’s look was unimpressed, she was back with the words she needed to say.
“Sorry…”
“Don’t worry about it, B… just be quiet for two secs, yeah?”
“Ooooo sounds serious…”
“Buffy.”
“Sorry. Quiet.”
She mimed the locking of lips and throwing of key.
“I tell ya, you really know how to mess with a girl's moment…”
She looked into Buffy’s eyes, realised the moment was still there, would always be there.
“…I wanted to say B… I guess I wanted to say I love you. I always loved you. From the first minute… god, every minute…”
Her mind remembered all the minutes, each and every one of them.
“…I love you.”
Buffy just stared into the eyes staring back at her. Felt it all click into place. She just finally got everything. All of it. She just got it. Her smile was huge, genuine. Her heart felt bigger.
“I love you too Faith. I do. I love you.”
They kissed, they laughed, they kissed some more. Whispered things to each other they had always wanted to say. Once the first words were spoken all the rest seemed to rush to follow, wanting to be heard, to finally be voiced.
It freed them. The burden of not knowing, always wondering, lifted from their shoulders. Freed them to just ‘be’. To be together.
Buffy was in a perfect place. Still almost fast asleep, maybe just the beginning of morning making her open her eyes. Not a lot. Just a little, just enough to realise where she was. Whose arms she lay in, whose bed she slept in. Faith. Made her smile.
It felt so good, so safe, so warm. Everything she’d ever wanted really, but had never known she would find here. She never wanted to leave here. Would be happy to forsake everything else if it just meant she could stay here. Maybe forever.
She lost herself in the daydream, sleep still close enough to make her truly give over to it. Imagining her and Faith together. Living together, training together, working together. A whole lot of togethers. And she hadn’t even got to the sleeping together yet.
She could still feel the parts on her body where Faith had touched her, it felt like they were glowing, alight… made to feel like never before. It sounded so clichéd… but so true. No-one HAD ever touched her like Faith, had never fucked her in such a beautiful way, made it all feel so special.
She was glad they had finally done stuff. And the going down..? Willow hadn’t told her the half of it!
The sound of the alarm on her phone drew her mind back from its wanderings, brought her back to reality, but it felt too early to wake up… felt too comfy to even think about moving. She half heartedly grabbed at her phone, pressed the silent button and tossed it across the room, not hard… not hard enough to break, she’d learnt THAT lesson… but hard enough so as to make the phone far enough away not to bother her.
And then she remembered. And then she awoke.
“Shit!”
She ripped herself out of Faith’s embrace, and sat herself up. Had forgotten. Completely forgotten.
“The plane… what time is it..? Shit shit shit shit shit!”
Faith was confused. Not only was she just sleeping, lost in a pretty nice dream about a certain hot slayer. But she had no idea what the fuck was going on. Buffy was here. That was good. Buffy was awake… not so good. Buffy had a mouth like a sewer… she’d always suspected as much. Buffy was talking about a plane. A plane.
Then it dawned on her. It was tomorrow, tomorrow was today. And it felt like bullshit.
The weight of realisation hit her like a ton of bricks, took all of her happy thoughts and crushed them under the harshness of reality. Buffy was going. Home. To England. Today. And more than anything that made her wanna… cry? She felt like she hadn’t stopped crying lately, like every day gave her fresh reason for tears, more hurt, more crap. It was exhausting, and it was wearing her down. It seemed that wanting happiness was just too much.
She watched as Buffy pulled herself from the bed, started making a mad dash around the room looking for underwear, for clothes, for a hairbrush. She wanted to scream at her, to beg her to stop, to not leave, never leave. But she couldn’t. So she just watched her.
Watched as her flesh was slowly covered, tried to memorise every last part, like a strip tease in reverse. Only this wasn’t teasing, it was real. She watched as she brushed her hair, trying to untangle the knots that had been part of the franticness of the night before, caught her eye in the mirror, caught her smile, her mouthed ‘I love you’. And again she wanted to cry.
But she wouldn’t cry. Not anymore. Not today. Not in front of Buffy.
She would be strong. Buffy knew how she felt now, felt the same. She didn’t doubt that, had felt it… not just last night, but since the moment she had been back. Before the crap, during the crap, after the crap. Buffy loved her. And she believed in that.
Believed that this time, fate wouldn’t fuck them, they would fuck fate. She wasn’t quite sure how yet, or where, but they would do it. They WOULD be together.
Finally Buffy was stood at the end of the bed, fully clothed, hair pulled back in a pony tail. She was looking at Faith expectantly, waiting for an answer to a question not heard.
“Well..? Have you completely zoned out..?”
“Huh?”
“I said… ‘how do I look?’”
She gave a little twirl. She was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, maybe a bit rumpled from being on the floor all night. But that was besides the point. What Faith was wondering was why the fuck was Buffy worried about what she looked like anyway, when all SHE could think about was how her heart was going to be torn from her body at some soon to be met point.
It seemed kinda inconsequential to her. Like who really gave a fuck? Her answer came out harsh, betrayed a little hurt.
“How do you look..? Fucking gorgeous, ok?”
Buffy’s brow furrowed at the response, hadn’t expected anything quite that harsh, didn’t get what the attitude was for. Suddenly had a clue.
“Oh god… are you ok, Faith?”
She stared at her intently, perhaps trying to see her soul.
“… I KNOW this… I slept with you and now you’re gonna go evil, right?”
She couldn’t help but laugh. Faith looked like she was gonna burst on the bed. Like she was so pissed at something and trying to keep it in. Buffy didn’t know why… didn’t have a great deal of time to work it out… but she wasn’t gonna pay it mind. If Faith had attitude, Faith would have to get over it. She had places to go… and she didn’t think Dawn would be too impressed if she was late. The thing that stopped her were the tears. She had been joking, didn’t really think Faith was evil… had no clue what the tears were for. Why.
She softened her voice, rid it of the joking tone.
“Hey what is it..? I was joking… I didn’t think you’d take it so serious.”
“I’m sorry, B… really… it’s just…”
Faith gave it up. She had sworn she wouldn’t cry, wouldn’t pressure Buffy. Wouldn’t do this, wouldn’t do that. But she couldn’t help it.
“…I know you have to go. I get that… I do, really… and I know I’ll see you soon… it’s just, ah… fuck it. I love you Buffy. I’m gonna miss you.”
She looked so sad. So dejected. Even Scoobs had heard her sobs and made his way to the bed, happy to regain his bed buddy spot. It was pulling at all of Buffy’s heart strings. She’d never had such sweet words that meant so much said to her, but it didn’t stop her feeling a little confused. A little bit perplexed.
“Stop me if I’m crazy Faith… but what the hell are you talking about..? I mean, I get it… I love you too…”
She observed Scoobs exuberantly licking Faith’s face.
“…although maybe not as much as Scoobs… and is that hygienic? Cos I don’t wanna catch anything…”
The glare that Faith shot her seemed only to be matched by something similar from Scoobs. Double glaring. By one woman and her dog. Buffy smiled, the glare didn’t take the edge off of her amusement.
“…sorry… joke..? But really, Faith… I won’t be long, a couple of hours maybe.”
“A couple of hours..?”
Now it was Faith’s turn to find confused.
“…how… what?”
“You CAN come too if you want to, in fact I’d like you to. It’ll be nice.”
She could come too? She had past confused. Had left confused about two blocks ago. Was now just totally utterly lost.
“To England..?”
“Huh..?”
Buffy ran the conversation back through her head. Ran a lot of things back through her head. Ran a certain something that she had completely forgotten to mention to Faith through her head. And she cracked up. Realised exactly what was going on, exactly what the confusion was… and she couldn’t help but laugh. A release of everything.
“To the airport you dork!… to say ‘Tally Ho’ to Giles, to Dawn.”
“You’re not going..?”
Disbelief tainted Faith’s tone, she had thought Buffy was leaving. Just like that.
“NO!”
Buffy allowed a very sexy, very searching gaze to travel over the still in bed, still naked Faith.
“As if I could!”
The dog was again pushed aside, again drooped his eyes, again was ignored. Faith couldn’t help it. Buffy was staying..? Did she get body snatched in the night and replaced by someone whose dreams DID come true..? She threw off the covers to crawl down the bed and meet up with Buffy. Allowed her to slide her tongue deep inside her mouth, take her in a kiss which was bursting with carnal desire. Sighed as it came to an end.
“So tell me… you got a place to stay B?”
“A nice place across the beach…”
“You sure you don’t wanna stay with me…”
She eyed her predatorily, ran her tongue out across her own bottom lip, caught it between her teeth, let Buffy know with the intensity of a look exactly why she wanted her to stay there.
“…maybe get to know each other a little better… someone to ‘snuggle’ with at night..?”
“I uh…”
She leant forwards and grabbed the front of Buffy’s shirt, pulled her in close, kept her there trapped.
“I think the answer you're looking for is ‘yes’.”
The phone which was still laying on the floor began to ring loudly, flashing Dawn’s name across the front. Faith let go of the shirt, let Buffy go to the phone. Watched her as she spoke to Dawn and confirmed plans to drive them to the airport… raised her eyebrows at the thought of Buffy driving. Rose from the bed and started to get dressed.
By the time the call was ended Faith had slung on some old jeans and a tee and had her car keys in hand.
“You decided to come see them off then, yeah?”
“Course B, although I don’t think we’re gonna all fit in the Cobra.”
“Cobra..?”
“My car… the one you smashed?”
“Oh. Right… you still going on about that then..?”
She offered a cheeky smile.
“…and don’t worry, I’ll drive the jeep, that was the plan.”
“That’s the part that worried me… I only just got you back, ya know…”
“Not funny.”
“Not joking!”
She held out her hand, waited for Buffy to relent and give over the keys to the jeep. It didn’t take much. A look. A promise.
They left in a hurry, not wanting to be late. Wanting to be home.
It was closing in on sunset, the day coming to an end. A day of farewells, but also a happy day. Their first day. They were laying out on the porch, snuggled together under a blanket, Scoobs resting down by their sides. It was a happy scene, one they didn’t want to leave, one they wouldn’t have to leave. The silence that surrounded them wasn’t awkward, it was peaceful, gave them the time to enjoy the moment, to let their thoughts just rest with where they were, who they were with. It was Buffy who eventually broke the silence, missing the sound of Faith’s voice.
“It was nice of you to say Wills could stay at the house.”
“Well you won’t be needing it B, no point in the place staying empty… and it’ll be cool with Red, me and her have had some times, found some fun. I need some fun.”
She released a bitter sweet laugh. She wasn’t lying, finding the fun again was high on her list of priorities… only this time she had Buffy to find it with her. A whole new type of fun.
“I don’t know if she’s ready to find the fun, Faith. I’m sure when she is, you’ll be her first port of call… but for now? I think she might just need some time, friendship.”
“I can do that too, I’ll be her ‘fun’ friend. You can do the ‘angst’, and I’ll do the fun. We’ll be a winning combo B… get her smiling again in no time.”
Buffy didn’t answer, didn’t know the answer. She hated to see Willow in pain again, see her losing someone she loved again. She vowed she would be there for her. Do her best to help her through.
Faith pulled Buffy closer in towards her, wrapped her arms just a little tighter around her, felt the rub of naked flesh, felt her answering hum. Spoke the thought that was most on her mind.
“Ya know, I was kinda surprised… I mean, I’m STILL kind of surprised…”
Buffy turned herself in Faith’s embrace, looked up into eyes, wanted to know what the surprise was.
“…I really thought you were going, thought I was gonna have to go be an English lady to claim your hand, take ya for tea at the Ritz… or whatever it is they do over there. Maybe a scone or two…”
She thought to herself for a moment.
“…and what the fuck IS a scone..?”
“Not a clue.”
“Right. Well I guess the scones out then.”
Buffy waited for her to continue, seemed like she was still pondering on the scone.
“Is that it… is the ‘no scones’ the surprise?”
“Huh..? Oh, no, not the scones. You.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. I thought you were going. Thought you would’ve gone. With Dawn, with Giles, gone home.”
Buffy allowed her gaze to leave Faith’s eyes, to glance at all the colours in the sky, painting the clouds, a welcome for the moon. It was all so pretty, all so right. She had thought about leaving, about recuperating in England, with Dawn and Giles. Letting the fresh country air replenish her strength. But then she had thought about all that she would miss, everything she had found, everything she had remembered.
She felt the pull and turned her eyes back to Faith, drew the blanket a little tighter around them, cocooning them together, enclosing them.
“I am home Faith. You’re my home.”
Faith answered with a smile, a mirrored truth, a shared feeling.
“And besides… if Wes is wanting you to head up W&H with him..? I’m thinking maybe you might need to get yourself a little secretary…”
Faith arched her eyebrows, interest raised by Buffy’s suggestion.
“You wanna be my secretary B?”
“I wanna be your personal secretary.”
“Oh ya do, do ya..?”
She loosened her grip, allowed Buffy to fully turn, face to face, body to body.
“…and just how personal do ya plan to be?”
Buffy could feel the hunger rising up in her, could feel every point of contact, skin touching skin. Pulse racing, heart thumping. Her words were weighted with desire.
“Very. Fucking. Personal.”
She closed the gap, brought mouth to mouth, lips to lips. Slow at first, every time a brand new hello, but then as night came upon them and their senses awakened, so did their lust. It rose up, took over them, kept them enslaved as they made love on the porch, the moon rising above them, and a dog sleeping beside them.
It seemed the sun had set quickly that evening. Not needing to hold on, not worrying about the safety of tomorrow. It was night time now. The moon’s time.
A slayers time.