Resolution
by Kelly Smith
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Nothing and no one belongs to me.
Spoilers: None, this is slightly AU, ish, sort of.
Dedicated: To the most awesome writer in the known world. Yes thats you Chev, you rock, and my God you are so fucking hot if I wasn't totally smitten with this other Irish chick I know, I swear, nothing would come between us. And probably dedicated to Elaine Martin, the other Irish chick.
Notes From Chev: *gasp* Kelly? I had no idea, I am so touched, truly.
Notes From Kelly: Chev, it was a pleasure touching you. Thank you :)
Further Dedication: Also to Elaine Martin's shoes. I bow before them, meek and unworthy, and only hope that one day I will make her as happy as they do. It is a futile hope. But oh the fun trying. That's all. Enjoy.
Nothing’s ever easy right? Life never came with a set of instructions, no easy to read manual, no; Fix slot A into slot B, slip in screw C and live happily ever after. Cos I know I screwed slot A, slot B… and I’m pretty sure I got slot C covered too, and I sure as hell ain’t living happily ever after.
But then maybe I should just be happy that I’m living.
I cut it close a couple of times, danced my ass straight up to the door marked ‘death’, rang the bell and waited. And waited. Seems death didn’t want me though. Not a whole lot of surprise there… I’m the poster child for not wanted, ya know. Death just chewed me up, spat me out, and told me to get the fuck on with it. So I’m here. Getting on with it.
Bet ya wondering where here is right? I’m getting to that, don’t worry.
Yesterday ‘here’ was L.A. City of Angels. My Angel at least. I served my few months sentence like the good girl I’m not. Playing with others was never my strong suit, and sticking me in Juvie with a bunch of little jumped up gang bangers was never gonna bring about my caring and sharing side. I made it through though. I thanked my lucky stars that I never got charged for no murders, and dreamt about the day that I could start to make it right. Cos I do wanna make it right. I want to try to.
The day I was released into Angel’s care was the day I had earmarked as my salvation. The day when I could finally shed my dark past and get on with living the light. Two fights with Angel later and I was upside down in some strangers bed getting the shit fucked out of me whilst throwing up the best part of a bottle of JD. What can I say..? Old habits die hard?
I wasn’t proud though. I was sick. Sick of all of it. Sick of being me.
I slunk back to Angel’s the next day, I must’ve sure looked a picture… even Cordy glared at me more in disgust than in fear. I dunno? Maybe that was a step up?
But that day was really the start of my salvation, the day I lost it in front of all of them. I just cried. I didn’t know what else to do. No one was TELLING me what to do, and I just didn’t know anymore. I don’t think they really knew at first either. Cordy was all for evisceration, I was all for agreeing. Angel was firmly in the ‘NO’ column. And as for the others? I never found out. Seems Angel gets the casting vote round here. Lucky ol’ me.
He let me wallow in my own shit for a couple of days, crying crap over all the things I had done, everything I was gonna do, how I was gonna make it up to everyone, a new me. Then just as I let myself get used to the comfort of his voice he ripped me from my sweat soaked sheets on the bed and told me to get the hell on with it. Told me the world wasn’t sat waiting for my apologies, it was still turning, life was still going on and there were people who needed me.
Yeah. I laughed too. Needed me? I don’t fucking think so.
He scowled a bit, all brooding menace, then he called me self-centred, may have used the word bitch. He said I lived my life like I thought the world ‘owed me something’. I figure he was right. I did feel like I got dealt a pretty shitty hand and damn right it pissed me off that I couldn’t just call ‘bum deal’ and start all over again. I DID get to call him a few new words I’d learnt in Juvie. And then he turned around and walked out on me.
It hurt worse than any blow he could have struck.
This was Angel. He NEVER gave up on me. Always saw that little bit extra that no one else had ever wanted. But now he as well was walking away. Turning his back to me. I figured I had two choices. I chose life. I got showered, I changed, I made my way down the stairs and I uttered my first apology. It wasn’t accepted. Not the first time. Cordy left the building muttering loudly about psycho’s and life insurance. Wes was too busy taking deep breaths to do much of anything else. Angel though, he smiled. Gave me a nod of his head and sent me out to kill two demons which had been causing havoc down at the harbour.
It was an easy kill. I had months of pent up fight in me just itching to go all ‘Ultimate Warrior’ on these guys, and slaying again? I felt like I had turned into a fucking cry baby. I just couldn’t help it. I ripped the last ones head off, collapsed amongst the oozing grey matter and let it all out. I didn’t even know why I was doing it… I mean, I won! And kinda easily as well. But then it made sense. THIS was what I was, who I was. The chosen girl in all the world. And I had turned my back on that. I shit all over it. But here I was, being allowed to try again, allowed to be a slayer.
At that moment it just about meant everything to me.
A couple of months later, Angel told me that he had followed me that night. To protect me if I needed it, to protect others if I lost it. He said that it was the moment that he became absolutely sure that I would make it. Had faith in me. I didn’t always share his confidence, but he had more than earned my trust, so I let myself believe him. Just a little.
When news of B’s death came, it was… a shock? Yeah. That’s right. A shock.
Well what do you want to hear? That I was struck down by an insurmountable grief? That I had always loved her? That a little piece of me had felt like it died right along with her?
Whatever.
Ya see the thing was that Buffy had already killed me. There wasn’t nothing left of me to die with her, cos I’d died for her a thousand times already. Sometimes, if I was lucky, it was just once a night, usually though it was more. And I knew what it all meant. I carried it around with me every minute of every fucking day, it was in the tired slump of my shoulders and the bloodshot red of my eyes. My burden to bear. My secret proof that no matter what Angel said, what anybody said, it could never be right. She would never forgive me.
So no. I didn’t cry when she died. I got the first proper nights sleep I’d had in ages. I slept like a baby. Funny thing is, I didn’t wake up feeling refreshed though. What a joke right? Without B now haunting my dreams at night, I just felt… I don’t know? Alone. Yeah. Like really. Alone.
Angel went to shit for a bit, but then what do you expect? He loved her. Loved her properly. I kept my head down. I really was ‘the only girl in all the world’ now and I was determined to make it count, to make me count. To do my share and hers. I even offered to go to the Hellmouth and help out there. Not a chance!!
I didn’t really expect one, but I had had to offer. I understand why they didn’t want me there, especially at that point. And then along came the crazy twist in the tale. Maybe the sting in it. They brought her back.
Yeah. It freaked me out too. I didn’t know you could even do THAT! Not without being all, I dunno, zombiefied or something. I guess Red really did get some power.
I sat up all night when I heard. Too scared to go to sleep. Scared that she would be there again, scared that she wouldn’t. Angel went to her of course, held her in his arms whilst I wrapped my own tight around myself. Tried to make it all go away. What did it all mean? Was her being back the final proof from the PTB that I wasn’t ever good enough. Could never be good enough? I was starting to wonder ya know.
I was still sat in the same place when Angel got back. Surrounded by the haze of tobacco smoke which had been my only companion during my lengthy vigil. I wanted him to take my silence, my lack of tears as indifference, instead he took me into his arms and offered whispered words of comfort. ‘She’s ok.’ But I wasn’t asking that. I was asking if I was ok, if I would ever just be ok?
As I leant my face into his chest it hit me. Kinda like a fucking 2 by 4 round the head. Her. Buffy. Her scent. I hadn’t been close to it in years, but now it was here. Slipping through my unmanned defences straight to the place it could hurt me the most. I reeled back from him. I admit it. I panicked. Everything… my whole life, every proof I’d ever needed that I was shit, it was right here, wrapping itself around me, tightening my chest. I couldn’t breathe, every slice of air was tainted with her now and I didn’t want any of it. Not a piece. I didn’t deserve peace. SHE was my proof of that.
I don’t remember too much of anything else from that night. Needless to say, Angel picked me up again, put me back together again. I acted like it had never happened. He let me forget.
That’s pretty much when the phone calls started. Not to me. Not then. But to Angel. And often.
I guess before you resurrect a girl, you really should make sure that she wants resurrecting… that the girl in question isn’t swanning it up, playing the harp in heaven. What a bitch right? Not B… I always knew she was getting the fluffy clouds and pearly gates… I mean the sitch. It’s gotta be hard. Being over… being done… and then? Well, and then ‘this’. Life. OUR life. I reckon it’s gotta feel like hell.
I wanna say that my heart went out to her. That I sympathised. But I didn’t. Not really, not then. I laughed.
I know. Cold. Heartless. Bitch. I can do all of them. But me and B? There’s a lot of shit there, and my first thought was joy, that finally I wasn’t the only one who’s life was drowning in crap.
The day that I picked up the phone to Dawn was the day it all changed;
“Angel Investigations, here to help the helpless… you helpless?”
Ok… so it wasn’t big on original, but I was manning the phones for fuck sake, it’s hardly brain science. The lack of answer accompanied by the girly snivelling told me that maybe helpless was right. I knew I’d make a good investigator yet.
“Erm… so lady… you gonna speak to me?”
I needed clues, this wasn’t helping. I had just about given in, was dropping the phone back into the cradle, when I heard it. My slayer fast reactions stopping me from cutting the call. It was a whispered ‘wait’. I was waiting.
Her voice when it came was barely audible. Breaking and shaking. Sounded pretty much like a little girl lost.
“I uh… wh…who’s this? I..is Angel there?”
“The big guy's out, but whatever it is, whatever’s wrong… maybe I can help?”
No… I wasn’t all Mother Theresa and giving a shit, but ya know..? It sounded like a kid and she was sounding pretty rough.
“Who is this?”
Her voice had got a little surer now, she wanted to know. And then I got it. The big light switch turned on in my head. I saw her flash before my eyes in a stark moment of recognition.
“Dawn?”
“You know me? Really… who IS this?”
I was too busy trying to work out in my head how old the girl from my newly formed memory was, to give the girl an answer. When she screamed down the phone she got my attention back!
“Jesus Dawnie… you trying to kill me?”
She laughed just a little then. “I don’t know… you still haven’t told me who it is!”
I think maybe I joined in the laughter. It was nervous laughter. I didn’t know whether to say ‘murdering psycho bitch’, or to just stick to ‘Faith’. Part of me wanted to hang up then and there, but I was curious. B’s little sister was on the phone crying to Angel. Maybe Buffy had died again? In the end I went with the short answer.
“It’s Faith.”
“Oh!… right… murdering psycho bitch Faith?”
Ya gotta love kids, they catch on real quick.
“The one and only.”
“Again… oh…” she went kinda quiet then, maybe reliving my former glory days. “…I didn’t know you were um… out?”
I filled her in quick about my short sentence, my staying with Angel. She cracked a funny about Angel taking helping the helpless to a new extreme. Then she pretty much rested on quiet again. I was guessing she wasn’t too keen on confiding in me, either that or she didn’t have B’s affection for the constant talking. I tried to reassure her, after all I was still curious.
“You can tell me Dawn, if ya need something, if something’s wrong… if something’s happened?”
I heard her breath hitch, mine hitched right along with it. I thought this was gonna be it, she was gonna spill, let it all out.
“It’s Buffy… she… she…” and then she stopped. Maybe it did sink in who she was talking to. “…just tell Angel I rang, ask him to call me..? Please?”
What could I do? I promised I would tell him as soon as he got back. I told her in empty tones that whatever it was? It would be ok. Shows how much I know. I said goodbye, she said goodbye. And I sat chewing on my nails waiting for Angel‘s return. Then I wanted answers. Needed answers.
Turns out that there were lots of calls from Sunnydale to L.A. Coping with Buffy’s rebirth was turning out to be way harder than dealing with her death. And little Dawn was baring the brunt of it. B was existing with her head up her own ass, detached, devoid, not giving a shit. The witches were playing un-happy families with Red going all loco over the magic, Giles had flown the coop and Xander was marrying a demon. An EX demon. Dawn was being left out in the cold. Feeling the need to talk to a re-ensouled vampire just to get the assurance that somebody cared. She didn’t know it… but we all did.
I could sympathise with Dawn.
I knew what it was like to feel young and alone. Vulnerable. Unloved and uncared for. More than that I knew what it was like to be overlooked by Buffy. Knew what that single unique pain could feel like. I guess in a funny way me and Dawn had a few things in common. She must have thought so too, cos after a while, those calls? Sometimes they were for me. At first I got a little kick out of it… I mean, Buffy Summers little sister, calling me for comfort. But then I started to wise up. This wasn’t about Buffy, not really… this was about a girl who was hurting, needing. And I wanted to help.
I pleaded my case to Angel to be allowed to go to the Dale. To let me get in their faces and scream at them about the kid that they were all neglecting. It was always the same answer… always a no. And I wasn’t ready to go against him. So I stayed on the end of the phone. I told her though… if she needed me, ever, day or night… I was there, I cared about her.
Now I just wish that I had been stronger. That I was as fearless as I liked to kid myself I was. I was a fucking coward!
I KNOW what it’s like to have the only voice in the world that you think cares about you come out disjointed and disembodied from the end of a telephone line. Still I let myself be reigned in. Let Angel feed the chicken shit in me with words like ‘too soon’. That me going there wouldn’t make things any better, would probably make them worse. I clung to those words and breathed a sigh of relief every single time that I hung up the receiver.
He was wrong of course and I hate myself for knowing that he would be.
The calls had started to drop off. They went from almost every night, to a couple of times a week, to me having to worry about the trauma of ringing her. I couldn’t risk it though. Couldn’t risk my sister slayer picking up the phone. So I sat about, and I worried and I waited. Even Cordy and Wes had started talking to me to find out how the youngest Summers girl was doing. It’s funny the things which bring people together. But that was just it, us miles away and caring wasn’t doing anything for Dawn.
I don’t know what sealed the deal for her. What made her finally give up on it all. Her last couple of calls had been listless affairs. Yes’s and no’s and not much else. A little bragging about the shit she had been getting up to. Cutting school, sneaking out, stealing. She said she didn’t care if she got caught. No one else cared. I said I did. Angel did. The whole gang did. We were too far away though. Too far to comfort.
She said she would call on Friday night. Red was going out, Buffy was always out, she’d be alone again. I said cool, I was always up for Dawn chat. Thing is though… it was all too easy to forget… what with my body ass deep in sewer shit and me fighting for my life. Kinda ironic that.
The message light on the machine cut short my elated return, Cordy pressed the button as we waited to hear. The first call had been right on schedule. Just about half past ten. She said she got loneliest then. Too early to go to bed, too late to go out. She sounded upset, asked for me to call when I got in.
The machine beeped again before I could react. Later now, half past eleven. It made me look up to the clock on the wall and register the time at one forty… making me wonder if it was too late to return calls. Her voice was lower now, “Please call me Faith… please?” I can still hear the words scraping against the insides of my head. An unanswered plea.
The last message beeped in at twenty after midnight. ‘Dawnie’s last goodbye.’ She was juiced… told me that it didn’t matter anymore, I didn’t have to worry, she’d sorted it, worked everything out. Would make it easier for everyone not to care, and then she said sorry.
And I guess I knew.
All of our eyes searched out the others. We all knew. Dawn had gotten sick of it all. Sick of life.
I remember the way it seemed like time froze. I couldn’t move, I felt so sick. Angel stood there stunned, Cordy the one to finally shout us out of it. Angel put the call through, he insisted it be him and I was in no place to disagree. We had to stand around and wait, try and piece together what we could from this end of the conversation.
Red was, I dunno, screeching, she sounded pretty hysterical. Soul boy was trying to calm her down and all I wanted to do was rip her fucking throat out. This wasn’t about her and her pain… this was about Dawn. Turns out she done the deed with pills and whisky, her only mistake being that she assumed no one would be coming home, that she would be alone, again. Buffy HAD remembered she had a sister though. Eventually. Had strolled in just after one and found Dawn passed out. Saw the whisky, thought she was drunk. Saw the pill bottle and called 911. What a hero.
That’s all Red could tell us then. We had to wait some more.
Buffy rang the next morning. Dawn was fine, everything was fine. Yeah? On what planet was that then? She was curious as to why Angel had been ringing at two in the morning to find out if Dawn was ok… found it kinda coincidental. Full marks to the big guy, he winged it pretty darn well. Maybe he didn’t think Buffy would like to hear whom her little sister had been confiding in. I didn’t really see that it mattered anymore. I was more than ready to get in Buffy’s face, I was pretty damn willing as well.
I only had to wait a couple of nights until I heard from Dawn again. All small voiced and contrite, whispering apologies. I wanted to chew her out, to smack her fucking hard around the head, slayer style. But I didn’t. I told her that she had scared me. That I cared a hell of a lot about her, didn’t want her to pull that shit on me again. I asked her to promise me.
She said ok. She said that she was hurting too, that she was scared. It ripped at me. Then she said sorry again and whispered the words that bring me to here. To now.
“Would you come Faith? Please? Would you come and see me?”
And I did what I should have done in the beginning if I hadn’t been such a fucking coward. I told her that I was coming. I promised. And that was the day before yesterday.
No one wanted me to go. Those same words kept popping up. ‘Too soon.’ In the end it pissed me off. Too soon? I said it was a good fucking job that I wasn’t too late. I think they got it, they left me alone. Wished me well.
And now I’m on a bus heading back to Sunnydale. I’ve got a carry-all, a back pack and a fucking soft toy! Yeah I know, Dawn’s a teenager, not some little kid. But ya know? I got knives as gifts when I was her age. I want her to have more, I figure she deserves more. And if she laughs at it? Well I figure that that’s ok too.
I don’t know what kinda reception I’m gonna get when I get there. Oh wait… yeah I do. I just don’t give a fuck. This ain’t about me, or B. Or anyone else. Just Dawn. I said I would be there and be there I shall.
Nothing else matters. Not anymore.
As soon as she had stepped off of the bus she made her way over to the apartment that Angel had sorted for her. He didn’t want her staying in another cheap motel, he insisted she’d come a long way since then and the thought of a whole place to herself had kept her from making an argument. The walk over freaked her out. Tracing long ago made steps through the centre of town, shadows reaching out in the form of taunting memories to remind her of her list of mistakes. Her whole life had gone to shit in this place, and it wasn’t joy she was feeling at being back. There was a whole lot of apprehension, maybe even something close to fear.
Settling herself in was easy enough. She opened a door to a closet and threw in her bag, tossed a couple of things into a drawer and stepped back to survey her home. It was nice. A little impersonal, but then she wasn’t planning on staying too long. Just long enough to be sure that Dawn was ok and that people had started taking proper care of her. She emptied the bag of cursory groceries she’d picked up on the way there and snagged a beer before placing the others in the fridge, she just needed something to take the edge off. To stop the buzzing in her head that hadn’t stopped since her arrival. It was almost too much. Being back.
And then it was time. The sun was starting to make its lazy journey down below the horizon, and she hoped that if she went now she could avoid bumping into Buffy. Wasn’t in any kind of mood to go there yet. She knew she would have to be at some point, but not now. She needed to find her feet again first, gain some kind of self assuredness about being back in town.
It was like déjà vu crossing the streets and walking the roads that led to Buffy’s house. Faith didn’t even need to think about where to place her feet, because they remembered. Every single time, every tread upon the tracks, they had mapped them all, maybe one day knowing that they would be walking the same path again.
As she stood looking up at the house looming before her, every instinct was telling her to run, telling her she didn’t need this, wasn’t ready for this, would never be ready for this. But she beat it back, recognised it for the coward it was and took the last steps to her destination, raised her hand and knocked on the door. She tried to tell herself she wasn’t shaking. That it didn’t matter. She was only here to see Dawn.
Inside the house things were a picture of calm. Willow was at the table in the kitchen deeply entrenched in research, fingers banging out heartily on the keyboard in front of her. A cup of hot chocolate to her side, and the phone right next to her elbow so she could make a call if necessary. Buffy was at work and Dawn was sequestered away in her room. She’d been skittish all day and Willow had finally begged her to go take a rest, try and work some calm into those jumpy little bones of hers. She didn’t know why Dawn was so excitable, guessed that maybe she was just really thankful that the booze and pills hadn’t done the intended job.
She still couldn’t believe that Dawn had done it. Sure things had been… hectic? But things were always hectic, it didn’t mean they wouldn’t work out in the end. Maybe it was just too much though. Losing her mom, her sister, Tara leaving… and yes, Buffy was back, but most of the time it was like they shouldn’t have even bothered. Sure, the demon population was under control, Sunnydale was safe from the night time nasties, but apart from that..? Everyday things… just living..? Buffy was no where to be seen.
She was sure things would be different now though. Buffy had broken down at the hospital, shown some real feelings for the first time in ages, had wondered aloud at what life had become. About what SHE had become. Willow wasn’t altogether sure what she had meant with those words… what meaning lay behind them and she didn’t think it was the time for questions… but she had held her, had assured her it would be ok. They would look after Dawn better, do everything better.
Everything had just been so fucked up lately. EVERYTHING!
Herself and Tara was now just herself. She had pushed using magic to the extreme, pushed Tara to the extreme as well, right up until she had left her… and even then it wasn’t enough. She had found in herself the need to push more, to try more, to have more, to want more. She had wanted it all, got lost in the power. Lost in the need. And then it had all come crashing down around her. Almost killing Dawn in the process.
She berated herself over and over for her own actions which had contributed to Dawn’s downfall. The lack of caring. Putting her own needs so far in front of a girl who was like a sister to her, always had been. She would make up for it now though. She meant what she had said to Buffy at the hospital. They WOULD look after Dawn better. They had to.
The sound of knocking at the door caused her to look up from the computer screen. It wasn’t often they had people come over that needed to knock. Everyone who counted knew to walk right in, had a key, even Spike had taken to walking in whenever he darn well felt like it. She was just raising herself up when Dawn came barrelling down the stairs screaming her need to get to the door first. As if maybe she was expecting someone. It made Willow past curious, was Dawnie keeping secrets?
“Hey what’s the rush? Buffy said you’re to take it easy and I don’t wanna have to be calling her and telling her you’re being bad!”
“Cos she’ll rush right home and give me a talking to right?” The younger girl raised her eyebrows in a ‘Cos we both know that’s never gonna happen’ kinda way and carried on her advance to the door. She knew who was behind it, had invited the girl there herself. She knew that it would piss everyone off, but she didn’t care anymore. That no one cared about her had become quite apparent, she’d even stopped caring about herself for a while, but the other night had scared her. Being that close to death wasn’t as romantic as she had envisioned it to be. She’d watched too many movies, seen too many scenes of the tragic heroine trapped in beauty as she breathed her last breath.
It hadn’t been like that for Dawn. She’d felt sick, her head had been swimming, round and around, she’d been shaking and sweating and then nothing. Reality had come crashing back with a tube being forced into her stomach, the feel of her throat constricting, bright lights shining into her eyes. And then Buffy.
Buffy’s eyes had been cold. Dawn’s first thought was that she was angry, but then it had made sense. She was jealous. Jealous that she hadn’t got the balls to do what Dawn had done. To end all the bullshit. Then she had cried, explained how she hadn’t jumped of the tower to save Dawn only to have that thrown back in her face. Asked why Dawn hadn’t spoken to her. Hadn’t come to her if things were that bad. If she felt that lost.
The fact that Buffy hadn’t stayed at the hospital longer than was absolutely necessary, the fact she hadn’t once put her hand to her face and told her that it would all be ok. That was why she had not turned to her. Buffy wasn’t there for her. Hadn’t been there since she had been gone. No one was there. Not until Faith. And now Faith was here.
She didn’t care what the others said, because at that moment she needed someone in her corner, someone going to bat for her, and she thought that Faith would be it. She knew she had changed, had spoken to her more than enough to know, had spoken to Angel more than enough to know… and she trusted her. Trusted that she would make it better.
As the knocking at the door became louder and more insistent she flashed Willow one more look to signal her disdain and swung back the barrier with a firm smile affixed to her face.
“You came! You really came!”
“Of course I came, I said I would didn’t I?”
The dark haired slayer flashed a genuinely warm smile at Buffy’s young sister, she swallowed her fear at being there and tried to fix her attention on the girl in front of her. She couldn’t help her eyes from wandering though, from trying to sneak their way around Dawn and catching a glimpse of what might be awaiting her.
“It’s okay Faith, you’re safe, the wicked witch isn’t here.” Faith laughed at that, she’d never thought of Buffy like a wicked witch before, a wicked bitch yeah, but not the witchy kind.
“That’s a relief, I was hoping to stay in one piece a little while longer.”
“You could take her anyway, you always were better.”
“Compliments are nice Kiddo, but I got the scar that proves otherwise.” She made a quick motion to her stomach, almost embarrassed to draw attention to the time before. The time when she most definitely was not better. “So what’s the what? Am I getting an invite in?”
“I’ve been warned about inviting people in after sunset Faith, it REALLY pisses Buffy off when I don’t do what she says…” She paused a moment and offered a sorrowful look in the direction of her visitor. “…I guess you’d better come in then, right?”
They both laughed as Faith crossed the threshold for the first time in ages. She was happy to be there for Dawn, but nervous as fuck about being there at all. Everything was the same, just as she remembered it. It smelt the same, it felt the same, and for a minute she had to stop herself from tearing back out of the door she had just stepped foot through.
“Hey, are you ok? You look kinda spazzy.”
“Huh..? No, I’m fine… just… this is weird, I never figured… I never thought I’d be back here. In this house.”
Dawn looked her in the eye and offered her sentiment. “Thank you. For being here, I mean. I know it’s hard, and I shouldn’t have asked… it just…”
“Don’t even mention it, ok kid?” She knocked the girl's shoulder lightly with her fist. “I’m uh… ‘pleased’ to be here, alright. Just remember Dawn, I fucked a lot of things up here, not everyone’s gonna be too pleased to see me…”
“You got that right! What the hell are YOU doing here?” Willow had nearly doubled over in shock when she had come to investigate whom Dawn was talking to. Anyone. Anyone but her. As if everything wasn’t going to shit enough as it was… they didn’t need Faith here. Had never needed Faith here. “You wanna explain this one Dawnie?”
She turned to face her young charge, Buffy would freak when she found out, Willow was kinda hoping that maybe Faith would leave before that became an issue. Or maybe she could do a spell on her. A real nifty spell where she would vanish from before their eyes, all puffy clouds and special effects!
Dawn though stood her ground, squared her shoulders and turned to face the red head. “She’s here because I asked her to come. Because for the last few months no one except HER has even cared that I exist… and I don’t care what you say. What ANY of you say!”
“I’m calling Buffy!”
“I DON’T CARE!”
“Look… maybe I should go..?”
“No!”
“YES!”
Faith’s head was twisting and turning between the two. Both the girls had turned to look at her and she felt naked beneath a spotlight. Willow’s glare was unmistakably hostile, whilst Dawn was looking at her with something close to pleading. Asking perhaps for someone to stand on her side. Stand up for her. She took a deep breath, ready to face the music.
“Well… I suppose now I’m here I may as well stay for a bit. Got any soda Red?”
The witches face was a picture. Of horror mostly. “A soda… YOU want a soda?”
“Well I heard you’re all out of whisky.” She shot Willow a pointed look, one which told her she knew everything that had gone on recently, was here because of it, and was staying till it was dealt with.
“Dawn. I really don’t think this is a good idea…” Willow moved a step back from Faith as she spoke the next words. “…don’t get me wrong sweetie, I know you need someone to talk to, someone to care… but Faith… well Faith isn’t quite…” She ran her eyes over the dark slayer, remembered the feel of cold steel against her neck, the hate which had long since burned for her in her gut. “…normal… or sane… and I’m pretty sure the women’s correctional facility up in LA are just gonna love hearing that she’s gone all AWOL.”
“Try getting your facts straight Red, I was only ever in Juvie, been out for months…”
“What?”
“It’s true Will, ask Angel… she’s been staying with him, everyone there knows that she’s better… that she’s changed.”
The red head scoffed, she couldn’t believe that the girl would ever change. She remembered too well everything she had done. She had killed someone for crying out loud, more then one someone, had betrayed them all, sided with evil… and sure she felt maybe a little bit hypocritical, had herself messed around with some stuff that wasn’t strictly ‘good’… but this was Faith. And Buffy was gonna freak!
“I think you should leave Faith…” She was trying to steer Dawn by the shoulders away from the Psycho Slayer, she knew that any minute Faith would take advantage of the situation, would probably have them both at knife point. Maybe dead. “…Buffy’ll be back REALLY soon… and you know, she’s not too keen on unannounced visitors… or murderers, back stabbing bitches…”
“What about people that completely fucking neglect their little sisters, huh?”
Faith could see the hate that was pouring in her direction from the other girl. She didn’t care for it, knew most of it was deserved, but still… her only concern at the moment was Dawn.
“You don’t know anything about what’s been going on around here Faith, just go… I… I mean it!” She tried to look as intimidating as she could. If only she could use magic everything would be fine. But she couldn’t. Shouldn’t even be thinking it.
“No! Don’t go!” Dawn turned to face Willow, pulled herself up to full height. “…you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t see, who is and isn’t my friend!” Now she turned back to Faith, pleaded with her eyes. “Please, don’t go yet. Come in the kitchen and get that soda… Buffy won’t really be home for ages, she’s working tonight, ok?”
The girl considered her options. She did wanna stay, it was pretty much the whole point of her being there… but antagonising Willow? She hadn’t really wanted to do that. It would help if she could make a couple of allies in the camp, people that could see past the past and realise that she wasn’t about that anymore. Truly was here for Dawn. Cared about Dawn.
“Maybe a quick soda, but then I gotta shoot…” She saw the young girl's face crumple into a frown. “…but I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise.”
“Buffy is so gonna freak… in fact I’m gonna call her… now, I’m gonna call her now and tell her and she is so gonna freak.”
“Take a chill pill Red, really… what’s the worst right? I’m gonna go through, have a soda, and then I’ll be gone. Just give the kid a break.”
Willow returned her eyes to Dawn, she did want the girl to be happy… but… but FAITH?! Half of her still couldn’t believe that she was standing there brazen as anything as if being there was the most natural thing in the world. The other half was believing that she was there and telling her feet to move as fast away from her as was possible.
“I don’t like this… I don’t like it one bit Dawnie, and Buffy is probably gonna kill me… but fine. One soda, and then she’s gone… and she shouldn’t come back. You now how Buffy’s been… let’s just try and cut out the trauma ok?”
“Cos it’s ALWAYS about Buffy’s trauma!” Dawn grabbed hold of Faith’s hand and pulled her through to the kitchen, muttering all the way. “Sorry bout that Faith, maybe I should of warned them you were coming, but then I thought maybe you wouldn’t come or they wouldn’t let you come, and I really did want you to…”
“Slow down kid, I’m here right? And no one tells me what to do. Or no one round here anyway, Angel gets a bit bossy sometimes, Cordy all the time… but don’t worry. I’ll stay as long as ya need me to.”
“Thanks… it’s kinda weird to have someone here for me… since mom… ya know?” She didn’t elaborate. Didn’t need to. She still missed her so much. Always.
“I do know. And I am here.” She gave the girl a friendly ruffle of hair and laughed at the look she got.
“I’m NOT five you know… you can’t do that to someone over five!”
Faith reached out and did it again. “Can’t I?”
“No!”
So she reached out and did it again.
“Faith! I’m warning you…”
Willow listened in from outside the door. It was strange hearing Dawn’s laughter. Hearing laughter of any kind. For a second she had to wonder… maybe this would be good, maybe Faith HAD changed..? But she couldn’t believe it. Wasn’t prepared to believe it.
She did decide not to call Buffy though. It wasn’t worth worrying her at work, and it wasn’t like she could just rush home and run Faith out of town. That would have to wait until tomorrow. Then they could all get together and run her out of town. Give them a purpose. They sure as heck needed it.
Researching nerds was boring and Faith could be just the distraction needed to get everyone focused again.
Faith POV.
Well that wasn’t so bad. On a scale of one to ten it has to be a pretty high score. I figured I’d be lucky to make it out alive, and yet I came through without one scratch. A bit of a verbal beating from the ‘real’ wicked witch, but nothing I can’t handle or that I don’t deserve.
Dawn was a lot better than I thought she would be. She was all perky and jumpy and just like a mini version of her older sister. Heaps taller though. Maybe the monks that made her have a thing for leggy brunettes? They didn’t do a bad job, full marks I’d say.
It still gave me a moment of weirdness every time I thought about her not existing before last year… I mean, she’s real. Really, real. I wanted to reach out and poke her every few minutes just to check, but man… that girl is pure flesh and bones. Only in Sunnydale, right?
I didn’t know what to do once I split the place, I was hungry as hell and dying to slay. I didn’t know if I dared to though. What if she was slaying, what if we ran into each other? I know it’s coming, and soon… but I don’t think I want the first time she sees me to have any kind of weapon involved. She might be packing an axe, or a cross bow… hell, even stakes leave splinters and I’m pretty sure she’d be willing to use them.
I decided to lay low, just do a real quick sweep across the outer cemeteries, if I remembered right then these were the ones without much action anyway and Buffy spent less time in these ones then the ones further into town. I figured I’d slay, then I’d eat and then I’d rest. I was pretty sure I’d need all my energy for tomorrow.
The damn slaying was a bust. Nothing, not a hint of a nasty. Frustrated the fuck outta me. All I wanted was one little playmate, one little moment of tension release, one puff of dust as the world was set to rights. But nope. I called it quits and hunted food. Ended up outside the Double Meat Palace. Man I hated that place!! It was cheap as shit though, and the burgers did taste a little better than actual shit. At least I assumed they did.
I was all busy trying to grab some change out of the tight pockets of my even tighter jeans when I made my way through the door, didn’t need to look up for a menu, just walked a path to the counter and mumbled out my order.
“Give us a burger yeah? Couple of orders of fries?”
The crash kinda made me think that something was wrong. It shattered the otherwise virtual silence of the depressing interior and made me wonder if I was gonna have to fight for my supper. I didn’t mind, working up an appetite was good. I wasn’t prepared though. For what I saw when I raised my eyes. Who I saw.
I never laughed so hard in my fucking life!
Maybe it was shock, maybe it was a little cover for my fear, maybe it was pure disbelief… mostly though I think it was the damn stupid hat she was wearing on her head. It was classic. Cow’s head, chicken’s ass. Nice. Perfect.
It didn’t stay laughter for long though. It pretty quickly evolved into cursing, but then SHE started that.
“What the HELL are you doing here?”
I went for the obvious. The truth. “Came for a burger B, you gonna cook one up for me?”
She was seething. I could see the confusion in her eyes, the venom dripping from her mouth as she went to speak again. “Get out! Get out of here, and get the fuck out of my town!”
“Hey… that’s not nice B, you don’t wanna cause a scene… you could lose your job…” I motioned my hands around me encapsulating the whole of the fast food joint. “…and I kinda like it here you know? It’s definitely you, very ‘Buffy’.”
I was pushing it, but I didn’t care. I was so pissed at her. Years worth of pissed and now a whole lot more to add to the mix. Time had doused the fire which I’d learnt to call hate, but I still had issues with her. Wouldn’t let her know how much she intimidated me. How much just standing before her eyes made me wither on the inside. Made me half of who I was at any other time.
I could see her body as it went it taut before me, imagined her muscles winding up to attack. I remembered exactly how it felt. In a sudden rush of absolute clarity I could remember the feel of her skin on my skin, the rush of blood through my veins anytime she ever touched me. It almost made me want it. Made me wanna drop to my knees and beg her to beat the shit outta me. Anything to feel her hands on my body, to taste the only kind of kisses she had ever given me. I didn’t though. I stepped back a pace, I opened my stance out in front of her and let her know I was willing if she was. Threw defiance into my posture instead of pleading. Either way the results were the same. She bit. She always did. I knew exactly where her buttons were, I had made it my job to know.
She was over the counter in seconds, pushing herself up into my face, hands grabbing purchase on the front of my jacket. Her hate was pouring from her mouth in a string of curses, words meant to hurt, meant to injure… but I didn’t hear one of them. Was locked into her eyes, trying to see what was wrong. What was missing. Cos that bitch looked kinda dead. Everything she was throwing at me, all the tension in her body, the poison in her words… and her eyes were as hollow as she made me feel. It was freaky, surreal.
If she hadn’t landed a perfect punch to my jaw at that moment I maybe would’ve guessed I was dreaming the whole thing. But she did, and I ended up with my ass on the floor. A scowl on my face.
“Fuck B… for a welcome that’s pretty crappy, even coming from you.”
“Coming from me? Have you listened to a word I just said..?”
No.
“…do you understand what I’m saying?…”
Again with the no.
“…I want you out of here, I don’t know why you’re here, I don’t CARE why you’re here… I just want you gone. I swear Faith… you get in my face? I so much as see your face again, I will beat you…”
“…to death, right B? That’s the same old line I see, not spiced up the routine with new material.”
She went to land a kick to my body as I sat on the floor, but I’m a slayer too remember? Before she even knew it I had swept her legs and found her a comfy seat right next to mine. I didn’t stay to fraternise though, I flipped myself up to standing and rested the heel of my boot against her chest. I was panting from just that little exertion, it really was such a rush… I didn’t know if I should thank her?
I could feel her start to struggle and sought out her eyes. “Just quit B, we’re not doing this. Not now.” But I could see her getting ready to bust her next move, knew she was gonna go for my leg, upend me, steal my advantage back for herself. I couldn’t let that happen, my pride was begging me not to let it happen.
I increased the pressure just for a moment, could see the brief flash of pain as it crossed her face, used the leverage to push myself back. Out of reach. Out of her reach.
In a instant she was standing before me. The red of her uniform matching the flushed heat of her cheeks. She was so pissed. And to me it felt great. I can’t explain it, or I don’t wanna explain it… but it was so strong. So intense. The waves of disgust were rolling from her body, encasing me within them, caressing every part of me that was on show to her, even some parts that weren’t. I could feel it deep down, letting me know, making me sure. She still gave a shit. She could tell me I was nothing a thousand times over, but her reactions were saying something else. There was no way I was nothing to her, and at that moment it was enough.
I had been so scared. Terrified. My private fear. My biggest fear.
I thought she might have forgotten me. Might have forgotten the power that we had over each other, the intensity which every moment had ever held for us. I thought she might have forgotten how to feel it. Dawn had told me, filled me in on how she was all ‘Miss Unemotional’ nowadays. Like she’d never really dragged herself from her own grave. Was still dead. But this proved wrong. Cos I could hear the steady thumping of her heart, could see the fire I was making course through her system… and now it was there in her eyes. Something.
I wanted to pounce on her. Wanted to beat the answers from that tight little body of hers. Make her mouth say the words. But she didn’t give me a chance. Made me doubt I’d seen anything in the first place.
As she stepped back from me her voice turned fire quickly into ice, brittle and cold, totally devoid. “Just stay away from me Faith…” Then she did the worst. She turned her back on me. “…I don’t want anything from you.”
What?
I didn’t remember offering her anything. Maybe a damn good ass kicking, but then I figure she deserves that. Not for me… don’t worry, I may be pissed at her, but I know which one of us is more likely to want revenge, and it ain’t me. I fucked her over good and proper, I may have had reasons… stupid reasons… but I was wrong. No, I meant for Dawn. I figure she deserves one for that.
I watched her walk through the door marked employee, watch her throw glares at the school kids working with her and I watched her take up her position behind the counter. I was torn. Fucking confused as well. She had spoken a foreign language to me, I was sure of it. Cos I had heard one thing in her tone… a total lack of anything, but her words said something else, something I wasn’t sure I understood. Thought maybe I’d like to.
Now though I had to walk away. She had closed the door on me, I did understand that much… I gave her one final glance, saw her looking back at me, vacancy in her eyes, something missing. I looked at the floor and spotted it. Her cap, ass in the air, cow kissing the ground. It really was a work of beauty and I was tempted to keep it for myself, but no… it was Buffy’s, I had to return it.
I picked it up, tossed it in the air and twirled it on my finger. Don’t ask where the cockiness came from, maybe from her words?
“Hey B… your hat?” I held it out to her across the counter, waited with straining chest to see what she would do, what she would say.
“Oh… right…” I saw her flush with embarrassment as she considered the offending article, imagined the horror of having to wear one everyday. Just for a second she forgot it was me, forgot it was her and me… and she offered me a half smile, a slight raise of eyebrow… included me in her life. Told me with a glance just how much she did hate this, how much it pained her to have to come here everyday and flip burgers for a living. “…thank you.”
As she touched the rim of the cap her fingers brushed against mine. Cold hard contact. Skin on skin. I don’t know who jumped back furthest or fastest, but I know we both jumped. Both felt it. I’d read about it before, the electricity in someone’s touch… but it was bullshit right? No, it wasn’t. That bitch zapped me and I damn well figure I zapped her back too. Crazy fucking static. It must’ve been from the rolling around on the cheap lino flooring.
It seemed though to remind her who I was. And you can bet the steel was back in her eyes, the hatred plain on her face.
“Get out, and stay out. I don’t want to see you Faith. Just go away.”
Nice speech. I wondered whether to tell her I’d see her tomorrow. I mean we hadn’t even started in on the Dawn crap yet, and I wanted answers, changes, I wanted Dawn loved. It was the reason, after all, that I was there. Right?
I wasn’t so sure anymore either and it scared me.
I made my way out of that place and thanked the Gods for fresh air. It stank so gross in there and I had to imagine B spent most of her waking hours smelling like… I don’t know… putrid offal? Nice. Totally hot.
Then I went to think and to drink. Perfect combination. Way better than cows and chicken.
I swear I thought I had come here just for Dawn, didn’t think I’d ever have even bothered coming back here again if it wasn’t for Dawn… but I don’t know. There were feelings tonight, something more than a memory… I thought that was long dead, truly thought B’s only purpose now was to haunt my conscience, make me strive to be the better person I always wish I’d been. But now? Now I was fucking confused.
I wanted to drink her out of my system. Infuse myself with alcohol rather than Buffy Summers.
Thankfully the beers in my fridge were cold and I had a nice bottle of Jack to keep them company. I counted the cracks in the ceiling as I willed my brain to reach fuzzy, sought to find the stop button for all of my emotions. I knew I had one, had found it before with the help of Buffy. Only now it was choosing to go missing. Nothing able to stop me from feeling.
I drank more and more. Eventually I rang Angel to tell him of my day, slurred my distress down the wire to him. At least proving that phone calls to LA would still be frequent, even if it was someone new looking for assurances, for guarantees that somebody cared. He did the best he could, asked if I needed him to swing by, maybe one of the others..? But I said no. I was ready to stand on my own two feet. Or rather I hoped I was.
I knew he was worried, I was worried too. Tonight had been too many emotions, too many questions, too much of everything. Part of me could feel the feelings from long ago… but that was just it, it wasn’t only the good feelings… the way it was when we were close, when she let herself be mine… but also the bad feeling.
There was a part of me that still wanted to hurt her, to cause pain just to make her feel me. And that was scaring the hell out of me. I didn’t wanna be that person anymore, I never wanted to be that person again.
Faith POV.
I’m never drinking again. Fuck it. I’m never opening my eyes again. I raise my hand to my head and wipe the crusted hair from my face, it’s nasty, it smells of vomit and whisky and brings vague recollections of my evening spent hugging the toilet bowl. I didn’t plan to get so wasted, I planned to dull the pain. I guess this kinda pain takes a lot of dulling, right?
After speaking to Angel I finished what drink I had here, making slayer fast work of the beers and Jack, but I could still remember. Remember the way she looked at me, the hate, the venom… the seconds that she showed me something else. Hope resting on half smiles and quirking eyebrows. It’s just so pathetic.
I don’t wanna have hope. Don’t want wishes. I just want to know what it’s like to stand before her and not feel like everything, my world, revolves around her. I thought I had it beat. LA was my friend. I managed to push the sensations away with the memories of her words, the knowledge that I was now nothing to her making it easy to disregard the things I knew deep down in my soul. She blew it all away in seconds.
As soon as I raised my eyes I was sure.
I had imagined the moment, the one when I would lay my sights on her again, and it had always been hard. Always been empty. I imagined I’d pass her in a street one day, middle of fucking nowhere… and she’d look, and she’d shake her head. And she’d walk right on by. And I’d keep walking too. Wouldn’t care, wouldn’t glance back. But it didn’t happen like that, didn’t feel like that.
I was praying for her to jump the counter, to know I meant that much at least, that I was worth taking the time to beat the crap out of. I didn’t think she’d do it… not really. Must be like I said, I DO know how to push her buttons.
What a proud boast.
I run my hand up to my jaw to check whether she did any lasting damage. It’s a little sore, but then her punch is like a fucking sledgehammer! I’m hoping no bruising, no-one ever managed to bruise me up like B did. Pissed me off more than once. Same as it would piss me off if she’d bruised me now. Maybe when I open my eyes I’ll see.
Where was I? Oh yeah… I drank all that shit to make me forget the things which seeing her had made me remember, but it didn’t work. I went out for more, a whole fucking lot more. The jerk in the store didn’t wanna serve me, then I showed him the dollar. Money talks. I had more whisky than a boatload of sailors could drink in a month, and I damn well drank the lot! Hence the vomiting, so maybe not such a good idea.
It numbed the skull though. I rang Angel again, I think I freaked him out. I do that sometimes when I let my mouth run away. He doesn’t like hearing about my Buffy hang ups, calls them obstacles I need to get past. I explained what I’d like to do with whipped cream and Buffy. That’s when he went quiet. I didn’t mean what I said when I mentioned putting the nozzle actually up there and squirting… but I was drunk! I think he’s gonna send one of the others to keep an eye on me.
It’s like being told you need a baby sitter.
Maybe he’ll send Wes. That’d be a blast. The guy still can’t look at me for too long without sweating. It makes me feel so bad and I’ve apologised for ever… but I scare him. It sucks. Time was I would’ve probably gotten off on that. In fact I know I would have. Now it makes me feel like crap.
Cordy would be funny. It’d be like a double shake up of the Scoobs. Imagine poor Xander facing not only me but Cordy as well? Maybe I should ring Angel and request it? SHE’S not scared of me. Maybe a little wary, but she knows me a bit better now, I let her know me a bit better. I don’t wanna hurt people, I never wanted to really hurt people, I just got lost for a while there… she gets that. She’s never said she forgives me, but then I never asked. She just lets me share her space without scowling all the time and bitching at me. I think she likes having another chick around. I mean… Fred’s cool… but she’s… different.
I tried to buy her a burger once, she went nuts. Something about cows. I asked Cordy and she said something about she used to BE a cow. I can’t picture it, she’s really kinda cute, but maybe she was? Cordy wasn’t really speaking to me then, was still cowering in my presence, so I never got the elaboration.
I got out pretty much when she got here. From the farmyard maybe? Angel did his Buffy grief and went to shit, which left Fred the only person who’d really speak to me. Not that she spoke much. She wrote a lot, on the walls and stuff. I just used to sit there wondering where she came from and whether the numbers on the walls meant anything to anyone other than to her.
Wes liked to pretend he got it, but he looked as confused as me.
Maybe he’ll send Gunn. Someone who hasn’t got a past with these people. He’s cool. I had to put him on his ass a couple of times, he wasn’t so sure that a girl could possibly be as strong as I professed… but I showed him. And now we hang. His easy, doesn’t wanna get in my bullshit, just takes me as I am.
We got down and dirty once. Pretty much after I put him on his ass. That boy was as fluid as chocolate syrup pouring over my body… it was awesome, hot, but you know me. Not so much about the long term. He took it well. I think he got a little misty eyed, but then I am a revelation. He bought me a beer, whipped my ass at pool. We healed.
The pressure in my bladder is begging that I take a piss, but I’m still not so keen on the moving. Maybe if I could do it without opening my eyes.
My whole body feels like it wants to die as I lift myself from the sheets. The grounds a little sway-y and I have to steady myself before I walk. It really is a fucking trauma. NEVER drinking again. Not today, that’s for sure.
I’ve left a pretty gross mess on the floor in the bathroom, seems my aim suffers when I’m in the process of emptying the contents of my stomach. Who would’ve thought it. I know I’m not gonna enjoy clearing that shit up. Makes me wish I had gone for hotel… had room service and a maid.
The last thing I feel like doing now is going to see B. Even the whisper of it in my mind is enough to have me freezing from the apprehension. Last night was screwed. There is no way of knowing what seeing her today will be like. Maybe she WILL beat me. Maybe I’ll let her. Gotta be worse ways of taking some pain. But then maybe she’ll give me a chance.
Maybe seeing me has spun her pretty little head out as much as it has mine. It’s got to have made her think, just a little, right? Even that tiny exchange was charged with something, and not just the static, but the thing that makes the static, that connection. Call it chemistry. We always had it. And it was still fucking there, making me crazy. Making her crazy?
Maybe she’ll listen to me. Listen to what I have to say about Dawn. Tell me what’s wrong, tell me if I can make it better. I’d probably do anything to make it better. Just tell me.
I have to fucking laugh at that one. Like I could ever make anything better for her… lets take a look at the track record… Hmmmm… whatever. But maybe I can help make things better for Dawn. I’ve gotta be able to get something right.
I’m gonna take a shower, get my wits about me and head on over there. I’m not waiting for sundown today, I want to bump into Buffy. I want to know what happens next. If anything happens next. I’ll put a call into Angel as well, let him know which of the gang I want him to send. It can only be a good thing having someone on my side, and I know that they’ll be on my side AND I know they won’t take any shit, not from anyone. This place needs that. It’s always been so full of shit.
My nerves from the day before have been replaced by something else, something which feels a damn sight worse than nerves. It feels like my insides are twisting around and around and I swear I’m gonna be sick again any minute. That’ll piss her off. Bet she’d make me clean it up before she kicked my ass.
I’m trying so hard to make myself knock on the door that I end up banging louder than could ever be necessary. It makes me jump back, proving just how on edge I am.
At least it doesn’t take long for the door to crack open, just a little at first and then the whole way. There she is. The one that’s been making me question everything about myself, everything about us. She’s got her hair down and I notice it’s been cut pretty short, shorter than I’ve ever seen it. Looks pretty adorable and I wanna say it. I dare not though. Her eyes have retained all their steel from yesterday and I know that she’s not standing there waiting for compliments. I could give them though. Could tell her how god damn beautiful she is.
“I thought I told you yesterday. I don’t want to see you.”
That’s a good start. No overt hostility.
“I’m not here to see you B, I told Dawn I’d swing by, I don’t wanna disappoint.”
The look she gives me makes me wish I hadn’t used them words. I can see all her disappointment and I can feel the start of the same old story. This is gonna go the same old way. She’s gonna curse, I’m gonna curse and then we’ll probably hurt each other some. I wish she’d learn how to get bored of it all.
“What makes you think that I’d ever let you see my sister?”
She does look genuinely intrigued so I try to think of a valid answer.
“Because this isn’t about you… this is about Dawn, she wants to see me, and if you care about what she wants then you’ll let her.”
I didn’t mean to make her laugh. My comedy was always a little off the wall, but I couldn’t see the joke in that. I was trying to be honest.
“You really expect me to believe that this isn’t about me? That this isn’t another sick and twisted way for you to fuck me over?” She pauses for a moment and I can see the hate flashing in her eyes again. “I KNOW you Faith, and I know what you’re about. I won’t let you do this to me again.”
“Get off your high horse B…” Now I have to laugh a little. “…you really do think everything’s always about you.”
“I think it’s time you left.”
“I think it’s time you told Dawn I was here.”
“Don’t push me Faith.”
It was tempting. Just a little push.
“You know I’m not leaving until you tell her I’m here.”
“And you can tell that to the officer that they send round when I call for the police.”
“Aw come on B… surely you know I got a thing for guys in uniform? That kinda talk just makes me hot, makes me wanna hang around longer.”
I really wasn’t leaving without seeing Dawn. I didn’t care who she called.
She pushed a little disgust into her tone, I was used to it. “I see you’re still a slut then Faith, nice to know things don’t change.”
Oh come on? I hadn’t got laid in ages! I almost told her that, figured it wasn’t worth the effort.
“And I see you’re still a bitch… it IS oddly comforting.”
“Why won’t you just go away? I don’t want you here, I don’t need you here…”
“And this isn’t about YOU!”
I was starting to get a little agitated. Brick and Wall came to mind. It was like talking to one, and I kinda wanted to smash my head against one too.
Before she could answer we could hear the footsteps coming down the stairs… she looked like she might close the door, I put my hand up, pushed it further open.
“Dawn! You’re up, great… wanna hang?”
At least I could make one Summers girl’s eyes light up with my presence.
“Hey Faith, I was wondering when you’d get here. Love to hang.”
She went to grab her coat and found her way barred by Buffy. They had a two second tug of war before Buffy yanked the thing clean from her hands.
“You’re not going out Dawn, you know what the doctor said…” She was speaking so matter of fact to her, no wonder the kid felt a little in the cold. “…you’re kinda grounded as well. At least until you’re fifty.”
“You can’t ground me!”
“I just did!”
Dawn looked to me then, I dunno… you could see her frustration, that inability to have any effect on your own existence. I knew where she was coming from. Totally different sitch, but the feelings the same. When you can’t control the everyday things that’s when it starts going to shit, ya start looking for things you can control. Make some bad decisions.
“Look B…” she does turn to look and I forget what I want to say. For a second she looks so tired, so fucking exhausted… and I wonder. Maybe she feels a little lost too.
“What?”
I shake my head to clear it and focus on the kid again, make myself remember my point.
“Can’t you just cut her some slack? I’ll stay here ok? We’ll hang out in the yard…”
“So now you want me to invite you in?”
“I’ll invite her in…” Dawn looks at me and smirks. “…come on in Faith.”
You have to admire the girl, she’s got herself some balls. Doesn’t look to be impressing Buffy though and I prepare myself to duck and cover.
“Get back up stairs Dawn…” her voice lets us know that she isn’t messing. But Dawn’s face isn’t messing either. “…Faith is not, and never will be, welcome here.”
“Yes she is!”
“No Dawn, she isn’t.”
“Oh for fucks sake B!…” Now she looks back at me like she had forgotten I was even there. “…really, what do you think I’m gonna do? Throw her over my shoulder and steal her away? Have you HEARD her scream?”
I tried to keep it light, tried to get Buffy to see past the aggro.
“Was that meant to be funny?”
“I THOUGHT it was funny!”
“DAWN!”
This is going nowhere. I don’t wanna leave, I really want to spend a little time with the girl, chat some. Just chill. But Buffy isn’t easing up. She’s starting to look more pissed off and I figure Dawn’s gonna be the one that has to suffer. Maybe I should just back off?
“Look… this is dumb…” I take a step back to telegraph my plans. “…I’m just gonna head, I dunno Dawn… maybe I can catch you after school, tomorrow?”
“Did you not hear me? I don’t want you near her!”
God I could hate her again.
“I’m just gonna ignore her Faith ok?” She moves to Buffy’s side and fixes her eyes firmly on me, I catch the little glint in them, makes me think she’s enjoying this little spar with her sister. Maybe it’s nice for her to feel like B gives a shit. And I know that one… disappoint to get a reaction. Usually works. “I can’t meet you after school… I’m not technically back at school yet, but Buffy has work later…” She turns her head to her sister who looks like she’s trying her damn hardest not to strangle her. “…maybe you could come back then?”
What do I say? Buffy has trained those daggers on me now, seems like she’s pretty interested too.
“I… uh…”
“What she means is ‘no.’”
Well that sealed it for me. “What time suits ya?”
“I guess after tea? Willow has a ‘thing’ with Tara… ya know, a ‘lets talk over all our problems and cry for hours’ thing… and I don’t have homework… so what about seven?”
“Perfect.”
I could see B getting more and more pissed, I didn’t blame her, I did deserve it, but I just wish she would stop. Step back and I don’t know… give me a chance?
She turned her gaze to Dawn again, changed her tactics from shouting. “Why are you doing this Dawnie? Is it to hurt me? Is that it..? Is this some kind of punishment..?”
I told ya! Everything has to be about her!
“I know things have sucked lately… and I know it’s been hard, we’ve all made mistakes, but don’t do this, ok? Don’t think that she cares about you…”
“She cares more than you do!”
I watch as she raises her hand and traces it across Dawn’s cheek. I can sense as she pulls in a breath, can hear the weariness in it, and for a moment it flashes in her eyes. I get how hard this is for her too, how fucked up it is for everyone. I know I can’t, never could… but a bit of me does long to make it better.
“Dawn, can you just go inside for a minute? Let me speak to Faith alone?”
I see she doesn’t want to, I understand why. It must feel like the grown ups are cutting her out, sending her away so they can make the decisions about her. Without her.
“It’s ok Kiddo, I won’t go without saying bye, alright?”
She seems to take a little heart from my words and moves herself back inside. I reckon she’ll still hang around to listen. I sure as hell would.
“Why are you here Faith? Really? Why now?”
“You know why B, Dawn wanted me here… I figured maybe I could help her out, make her feel better.”
Her eyes glue themselves to the floor and she doesn’t speak for a long time. I wonder what she’s thinking, what she’s feeling. “I should be able to make her feel better. I should never have let this happen in the first place.”
Was she opening up or something? Was I meant to hug her?
I raced my way through every phrase I had ever heard, hoped I picked the right one. “It’ll be ok B… you wait and see, time heals everything right?”
I can see her searching my eyes so I try to keep them steady. It’s hard though, having her staring at me, looking inside of me. All of a sudden it’s like she’s found me wanting, I see the shutters come down, her shoulders square up. “No Faith, not ‘everything’. Some things go to shit forever.”
Yeah. That’s what she said. And don’t worry, I know she’s talking about me.
“It doesn’t have to be that way.” I feel like I’m talking in code. And I think I’m offering the proverbial olive branch.
“Yes it does. I want it that way.” And I think that that was a ‘no’. A rejection.
“Which brings us back to Dawn…” I didn’t want her knowing that I gave a shit, that I cared if she was ready to bury the past. “…the kid needs a friend B, and you may not like it, but I’m it.”
“I really DON’T like it… how can I trust you? She’s my sister, Faith.”
What could I say? I don’t have the reasons, or the answers. Maybe she shouldn’t trust me… maybe I would fuck up again? “Buffy… B… I’d never hurt her. When I heard, that night… what she did…” It all comes flooding back, that second in LA when we had all heard her pain, what she had done. “…I couldn’t breathe, I didn’t believe it.”
“You heard that night..?” I see the puzzlement. “…I thought Angel was the one who rang?”
“Well I was hardly likely to. But yeah… she rang me, we knew.”
For a moment I can see fury building up in her stance. “Why the fuck didn’t you let us know? Jesus Faith!…”
“Whoa hold on there girl, we didn’t hear till after, and Angel rang as soon as…”
“So it’s you?”
“What?”
“That Dawn’s been talking to? I should’ve guessed. God knows why I believed she was getting comfort from an over-aged vampire. But you..?”
She really was down on me. “Yeah… me. Sucks right?”
“It all sucks Faith. Everything.”
Never a truer word was spoken. I decide to try again. Appeal on Dawn’s behalf.
“Look, Buffy… I know ok, I know you hate me, I get that, I deserve that… I’m not asking you to stop, just give Dawn a break…” I have her attention, it’s a start. “…let me be there for her, just for a bit. I swear I won’t do anything to hurt her.”
I wonder if I should get down on my knees and beg. I probably would if it wouldn’t fill my head with thoughts of every other thing I’d like to do down on my knees. To her.
I see her sigh, it deflates the whole of her body.
“God what does it matter anyway, right?… It’s not like any of us have done any good… since mom it’s just been so…” she breaks off and looks past my shoulder. Out into the nowhere.
“So ‘what’ B?”
She gives a little hollow laugh, gives me the empty eyes. “Crap. It’s all been so crap.”
I have to wonder if there’ll ever be a day when she doesn’t break my heart. I can’t show her that though, she’d have no interest in that. “Things are what they are, ya gotta learn to roll with the punches.”
“Like you?”
“Something like that.”
At this moment it seems like everything has stopped. I can’t hear any noise, not a thing, the air it seems has even stopped its gentle blowing, like time just upped and froze.
She’s looking at me, I’m looking at her. I don’t know what to show her. I don’t know if I’m supposed to keep myself in one piece… or if I’m ‘sposed to show her the truth? I always wanted her attention, I used to crave it. Now I’d give anything to stop those eyes from boring into me.
“Okay.”
“Huh?”
“You can see her. I don’t want you here when I’m here, I don’t wanna see you… but I work a lot, you can come by then.”
“Thank you.” And I really mean it. I never thought that Buffy could see past herself. I guess I was wrong.
“This isn’t for you, it’s for Dawn…” Her voice gets a little emotion, a little crack over the words. “…I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s just so hard.”
I take a step forward. Don’t ask me why, I didn’t mean to, didn’t plan to, it just happened. One minute I was further away from her, the next I was inches from her, close enough to touch. I guess it spooked her.
“What are you doing? Get away from me Faith.” It sounded like she was pleading, it sounded odd. What did she think I was gonna do for Christ sake?
“Chill B, fuck… I wasn’t doing anything.” But I’ve lost her. Any minute that it seemed she didn’t want me dead is over, and I see the shutters as they slam back down across her face.
She opens her mouth and the monotone spills straight out. “I’ll get Dawn, you say goodbye, tell her you’re coming back later.” As she turns to walk inside, she remembers one more thing. “And Wills and Tara will be here, so no funny ideas!”
Funny ideas? I wasn’t feeling much fun.
Dawn thinks I’m a fucking hero when she gets back. She’s all full of a ‘We sure showed her’ attitude. But I didn’t feel like that. I felt kinda… I dunno, crap. I promise to return, tell her I’ll bring over pizza, maybe rent a movie. She’s all smiles. And I just wish it was catching.
POV Tara.
It feels so right to be in her space. It feels like everything I’ve been missing. Everything I’ve ever needed. I’ve only been here for five minutes yet I can tell already she as nervous as anything. She stumbled over every step of her hello and when she reached around me to help me take off my coat I could see as her cheeks flushed red. I like it when she blushes, it reminds me of those first few months, before she was really mine, but when I used to dream that she would be. She used to blush a lot back then. All wariness and confusion.
I’m forever grateful that she got over it. Now I just hope that I can get over mine.
It’s not a question of whether I want to be with her, I NEED to be with her. It’s just a question of whether I can live with being with her. The things that she done, the boundaries that she played with… they’re things that should never be taken lightly, should never be fooled with. And my mind..? Wasn’t it enough for her to be in my heart..?
I just wish we could go back. That all this talking, hurting… all the pain, I just wish it could be over, that she could take me up stairs to our room, to our bed and kiss it away. Make the passion in her touch more than just a treasured memory. But this is important.
I guess it’s like building a house. You have to get the foundations solid or it all comes crashing down. I sound like Xander. I’m gonna stop thinking.
I’m sitting on the couch waiting for her to bring me a drink. It’s taking a while because Dawn is pestering her about watching a movie. She wants us to go upstairs so she can watch TV downstairs. From what I can hear through the doors, Willow isn’t ready to take me upstairs. It would be a bit soon. Maybe.
As she comes in with the drink she’s still babbling away to herself.
“…and she just goes to work and leaves me here to deal with it? Is she mad? I know I’m a big bad Wicca but… well I can’t DO that stuff anymore…”
She looks at me now and her eyes go wider.
“…not that I want to! No way mister! I’m all about the given up… no magic here!”
I hold my hand out to her to encourage her to give me my drink, it’s sloshing over the sides with the level of her excitement, and I’m worried there won’t be any left for me.
“Huh..? Oh right! Drink…” She hands it to me managing not to throw it at me and carries on her speed talk. “…But how does she expect me to protect Dawn without magic? I know you can do magic… but you shouldn’t have to, I’M in charge here. I just don’t understand why she said it’s ok? Do you think she’s finally lost it?”
I think she may have forgotten that I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“Willow..?”
“Yeah?”
“Who’s lost it? And what are we talking about?”
“I didn’t tell you..? I thought I told you… Faith! She’s back. Here. And she’s coming to see Dawn… and I have to watch her!”
“Faith?”
The name was very familiar. It was niggling something in the back of my mind.
“You know! Big bad ass slayer Faith? Body stealing psycho Faith!”
Of course! I think maybe I should thank Faith for that one. It made way for the perfect piece of sorcery. I let my mind visit there quickly. The soft feel of skin, her hand as it trembled against mine. Her heat. Her power.
It was a night I would never forget. But Faith..? Here? It sounded kind of dangerous… like maybe Buffy should be here babysitting and not us.
“Is sh… she dangerous?”
“NO! She’s not!”
And here comes Dawn to join the fun. She’s wearing the same pout that Buffy is so fond of, it’s just as adorable and just as persuasive. I can’t believe what she did the other night. It hurts me to think that she feels that lost, that alone. It shows how bad a job we’ve all done, how messed up we’ve been in our own problems. It’s so easy to forget though sometimes, living on the hell mouth. You lose sight of the little things. The important things.
I give her a little smile. “How do you know sweetie?”
“What does it matter? No one listens to me anyway!”
Willow is pleading with me using her eyes. I know all of her expressions and this one is asking for help. She wants me to calm Dawn down, to make it better. To say the right words.
“I listen to you. Come and sit down and tell me… I promise I’ll listen.”
She teenage struts her way to the sofa and throws herself down in a gesture of disenchantment. If things hadn’t been so serious lately it would’ve been something which made me smile. Now I just want to make her smile.
“So what’s up? I take it, it has to do with… Faith?”
She glares up at Willow, letting her know how passionate she is in what she has to say.
“Yes. She’s coming to see me and all everyone wants to do is be down on her! Like no one else never made a mistake…”
“She killed people Dawnie.”
“Well YOU nearly killed ME!”
She has a point.
“Yeah I know… and you know how sorry I am, how much I regret that, but it’s different…” She looks as if she’s ordering her thoughts, picking her words. “…Faith meant to do everything she did, she liked doing the things she did… she’s evil Dawn, and that’s something which doesn’t just change.”
“How do you know?” Yes, I had to ask.
She turns to me in surprise as if she assumed I would be on her side. But I really want to know. If Dawn has found something redeeming in Faith then who are we to dismiss that? I remember I’d always found the details surrounding Faith kind of..? I don’t know. But everyone has such a bad opinion of her, always telling the tales of she did this, she did that… but from what I understand she was just a kid. Like Dawn is now. And she was all on her own. I can’t believe that no one ever found that odd. I find it odd.
“I know because I was there. I saw what she did.”
“But that’s not fair! You all have these rules for you guys, and everyone else just isn’t good enough… with your stupid Scooby gang… well I think you all suck!”
Willow doesn’t have an answer for that. Lately we have all sucked.
“Look… I’m sorry ok? You have to remember though Dawn, I have a past with her. There’s loadsa bad water there and it hasn’t all flowed under the bridge.”
“But can’t you just try? Please? For me?”
There’s such pleading in her voice. She sounds so much older than her years and it reminds me of how much she has been through. I reach out unbidden and slip my arm around her shoulders, draw her into me and whisper the words she wants to hear.
“I’ll try sweetie. I promise… she gets a fresh slate from me. If she’s your friend she must have some redeeming qualities, right?”
Her eyes are all ablaze now. I hope they stay that way.
“She is SO awesome, really… like I’ve been talking to her for ages, since she got out… ya know…” She lowers her voice, makes it dramatic, I’m guessing she’s got some hero worship going on. “…from the big house…”
“I thought she only made Juvie?” At least Willow is listening to her.
“Well yeah… Juvie, but it’s just as bad, I saw this whole ‘Geraldo’ expo thingy on them once, and it’s tough… you have all these gangs and initiations…”
“So you think she was in a gang?” I know I said I would give her a chance but I’m not so keen on Dawn getting into the gang scene. Sunnydale isn’t that far from LA, it could happen.
“No! She stayed away from them… she even had to spend loadsa time in solitary cos she beat all these girls that were trying to force her to chase dragons…”
“But I thought she was a slayer? Isn’t chasing dragons part of the job?”
She looks at me like we’re from different planets. Maybe further away than that. “NOT them kind of dragons! You know..?” She puts on her most solemn face and whispers the word. “Drugs.”
Oh… THAT chasing the dragon. Well that’s good. She doesn’t do drugs.
“So what’s she been doing since she’s been out?”
“Oh she works with Angel… she’s really important, an integral part of the team. And she’s done LOADS of good stuff, maybe even more than you guys have done lately…” Definitely hero worship. “…and Angel said she’s really changed, that he’s proud of her.”
She sits back and looks at me, her eyes shining with righteousness.
“Well I’m sure if Angel says that, she must be doing really well.” She smiles now, and I can see her mentally chalking it up. One down, lots to go. I offer her a bit more, making her smile is making me happy. “I can’t wait to meet her.”
“You already met her, don’t you remember Tara..?” Please don’t burst her bubble Will. “When she stole Buffy’s body? She made fun of you?”
Dawn stiffens at my side and it’s like all the good work has been undone. I try my best.
“That’s in the past now, I’m prepared to start fresh, forgive old mistakes…” I look her dead in the eye, I want her to know how serious I am. “…you should think about that Willow, forgiveness and mistakes. As someone who might be looking for some…”
I leave it unsaid, but I can see she gets my meaning. It’s hard when you realise you’re a hypocrite.
The knocking at the door tenses the room. We all look at each other, no one really sure who makes the next move. Willow surprises even herself I think when she takes a step down.
“Ok, ok… I’ll get it! But I’m watching her Dawn… Buffy said to watch her and if she even thinks about thinking about making a wrong move, you better believe I’ll be there.”
“I’ll tell her, she’ll be terrified.”
“Dawn?” I get her attention and shake my head. If Willow’s prepared to play nice then so should she.
“I didn’t mean it… can’t anyone take a joke?”
Not at the moment. Jokes are really thin on the ground.
More banging encourages Willow to open the door. Her stance is so challenging and I only hope it’s not a random caller. For a moment it’s just silence. I’m watching Willow watching her, and I can see it all in her face. She’s struggling to say hello, cos she’s not really sure if she wants to. Finally her mouth opens and the words come out without too much distaste. I’m gonna take that as a positive.
“Hello Faith… erm, I guess you wanna come in?”
“Red. Yeah. Cool.”
So they’re not hugging. Give me time.
Dawn’s up and out of the chair in less than seconds. Makes me wonder about the land speed record.
“Hey Faith! I have SO been looking forward to this…” She’s grabbed onto her arm and is pulling her into the centre of the room, almost like she’s a show model. When she has her placed firmly in front of me, she stops and motions with her hand. “…this is Tara, she’s really nice, much nicer than the others… I think you were kinda mean to her once, but she’s willing to move on. Say ‘hello’.”
The poor girl just stands there bewildered, she’s looking at Dawn as if still trying to process her words, and at the same time I can see her warily eyeing me, perhaps trying to place when exactly she was mean to me. I decide to help her out, let her know what crime she stands accused of.
“It was the whole… body swap? Thing. At the Bronze..?”
She still looks a little puzzled, raising her eyebrow as if for more clues.
“I was with Willow… you assumed I was ‘with’ Willow?”
I see recognition cross her face, it looks a little like horror. She’s telegraphing her regret for the world to see, and I have to wonder if she’s always this expressive. Her eyes are just so… open?
“Oh… I remember…” She looks down at her boots, scuffs one toe against the other. When she raises her head she pauses for a moment, draws a deep breath and looks me straight in the eye. “…I’m really sorry about that, I know you’ve no reason to believe me… but if I could change that, it would be done. I just…” She looks like if she starts telling me she might never stop. I bet she has a thousand words she’s never spoken. She gives a frustrated shrug of her shoulders, holds out her hands at her sides. “I’m sorry.”
It’s enough for me.
“I’m Tara.” I offer her a full on smile, one which shows her apologies are done with me. She takes the hand I hold out and gives it a firm shake.
“Faith… and, I dunno? Thank you.”
Now I see her smile. It’s so sensual I almost want to blush. We are definitely keeping her around!
“Don’t mention it.” I let go of her hand before I’m forced to give it a squeeze. She just has such an aura around her. It’s the eyes. If I didn’t have a Willow I’d be finding out already if this girl drove anything other than stick.
She’s casting them eyes up to Willow now, she’s hesitating… I would guess she wants to know if it’s ok to make that apology yet. If Willow is ready to forgive.
My little red head has always had expressive eyes too. It was one of the first things I noticed. Now they’re flitting between me and Faith, she knows what might be coming and she doesn’t know what to do. I can’t make the decision for her, she has to be ready to accept it for herself.
I cock my head to the side and give her a little half smile, it’s the one she likes, she thinks it’s cute, it makes her go all gooey. I remember when she first told me that, I practiced it in front of the mirror for days after. Young love. I miss it.
Faith finally forces some kind of audible noise from her throat, it’s a cross between a squeak and a cough, and I can only imagine how hard this is for her. Standing in front of someone you know has no time for you and asking them to make time. It’s hard.
“Look Red… Willow?”
She does look, and I can see her fidgeting, her hands pulling on a fray at the bottom of her jersey.
“I don’t know if you wanna hear this, but hey… nothing to lose right?” She looks hopefully at her, and I only hope my girl is ready to give her a chance, even if only for Dawn’s sake. “I know I screwed up, the things I done, all of it… and I am sorry…”
Willow makes a little gurgly noise in the back of her throat. Almost like she was getting set to choke, she holds it in though. Motions at Faith to carry on.
“…and I’m sorry I’m here, I know you guys don’t want me here, and that’s cool… but I came to see Dawn. I don’t wanna get in anyone’s way, or cause any problems… I just wanna help the girl out. Okay?”
The silence is all encompassing. I don’t think any of us are breathing. I know Faith’s not, I can see the colour going from her cheeks.
“Willow… please?”
I second that Dawn. Please?
I see the defiance as it settles on her face and for a moment I fear the worst, her shoulders sag a little though and then she makes a quick shrugging gesture.
“I feel like I’m finally going crazy for saying this… but fine. Ok. Yay, great your back! Can’t wait to catch up… and if you so much as even think about putting a foot wrong I swear Faith… I don’t care how big and bad you are, I can be bigger and a damn sight badder… are we clear on that?”
She’s considering… sizing Willow up. In the end she holds up the bag she has in her hand. “Wanna watch a movie? Get some pizza?”
And now my girl smiles. I guess they reached an understanding.
“What’s the movie?”
“Return of the body snatchers.”
“Huh?”
“Kidding!” She pulls a copy of The Matrix from the bag, hands it to Willow. “I love the fighting, maybe you can explain the bits I never got?”
“Uh… The Matrix? I never saw that one.”
“Wicked! I can convert you…” She looks at me, flashes me that smile again. “…but then I guess Tara over there already got that sorted.”
Willow gives me a shy little look and it’s a look I’ve missed. I love it whenever her eyes are on me… but those shy eyes? So completely hot. And endearing.
“Yeah. She got that sorted alright.”
Please let all our pain be over? I just wanna hold her in my arms, where she should be.
Dawn decides to break the moment by ushering Will to put the movie on, you can see how excited she is to have some semblance of calm in the house, to have an evenings entertainment in place because of her. For her. I smile right along with her. If Faith can do that I look forward to seeing what else she can do. There’s lots of people round here that could do with some smiles.
Those smiles I wanted? They didn’t come. Everything was going so well. We watched the movie, it was certainly… different. Not one I would have picked, but in the end I enjoyed it. It’s one of those that makes you think… what if? But then I live in Sunnydale… there’s no computer programmer anywhere, robot or otherwise that could invent anything as ludicrous as our lives. No way.
Willow wasn’t warm to Faith but then she wasn’t cold either, and as far as I’m concerned that’s fine. Better than fine. She made me proud tonight, accepting Faith’s apology was hard for her, but she did it, she’s trying.
I wish everyone were the same.
It all went wrong when Buffy got home. Time had gotten away from us, none of us were watching the clock, the movie was done and we had finally gotten round to ordering the pizza. We were sat around the table, laughing, eating. It was just nice. We were all having some fun away from everything that’s been happening. We weren’t talking about bads or nasties… about relationships gone wrong. We were just having fun. Maybe that was the problem.
Dawn had just challenged Faith to see who could eat a slice of pizza the quickest, my money was on Faith… I’ve seen Buffy’s ability to inhale food when she wants to, I was betting Faith was cut from the same cloth. But my voice was behind Dawn, I wanted her to win, and I think Faith did too. She was going as slow as she dared without being obvious, giving her the time to keep up;
“Dawnie, Dawnie, Dawnie…”
“Hungh… wha bou me?” It was hard to hear her through the pizza, and her face just made us laugh. Willow was fixing her eyes on Dawn as if she could make her eat quicker, obviously firmly on her side to the point of obsession.
“Come on Dawn… you get this I’ll take ya to the Bronze next weekend, and I’ll buy ya drinks all night… non alcohol ones… and I’ll do your math homework for a week, and I won’t tell Buffy you spilt cranberry juice all over her white top..!”
Yeah. She was obsessive.
We didn’t even hear Buffy come in and even when I first saw her walk in I didn’t think anything of it. I wasn’t paying attention. She tossed the bag of food down on the table between us, making us all stop. The air instantly chilling.
“I brought dinner home, I thought you might be hungry, I guess not.” Her eyes were raging as they settled in distaste on Faith. “And what the hell is SHE still doing here?” She looked pointedly at Willow, accusation plain to see. “…and not just here… but here with YOU!”
“I’m sorry Buffy… I just, with Dawn… and she…” There weren’t words that would pacify Buffy though and I think she realised that. “…I didn’t realise the time.”
“So what..? You’re best buddies behind my back now?”
“Look B, just chill ok? Red didn’t do nothing wrong… I was just leaving.”
She got to get up from her chair, when Dawn chose to speak.
“I WON!”
She was holding her plate upside down, speaking as if Buffy hadn’t even walked in the room. Faith looked down at her own plate, the small piece of food still there.
“Yeah, you won… we’ll celebrate later, I gotta shoot now.”
Dawn’s eyes immediately narrowed on Buffy, her tone just as sharp as her glare. “Why do you have to always ruin everything? I’m so sick of you! I wish I had died last week…” We all paused I guess in shock, it was just so vehement, so painful. “…I wish you had died, had stayed dead!”
Can you guess how high the tension was? It was like even a deep breath would be enough to make it all go crazy. In the end Buffy just went anyway.
“You selfish bitch!”
“Buffy!” That was Willow, it could have been any of us.
“What Wills? I’m supposed to just take this crap because poor Dawn’s so fragile? Well guess what? I’M sick of it… I died for her! You remember that? Cos I do Willow… every single damn second I remember taking that choice, making that choice… and what she did?” She was really rolling, accentuating every word with a gesture of her hand, expression on her face. “That makes all this… everything, god… it’s so damn pointless! Don’t you get that?”
I could see Faith rising, see her moving around the table to stand in front of Buffy, I was scared. For all of us.
“And you think I’M bad?”
“Get out of my face, get out of my house!”
“No B… you all wanna talk about being sick? Well how about I wade in with some sickness of my own?”
“I don’t care about your sickness Faith, didn’t you figure that bit out yet?”
“You don’t care about anything though do ya B? You’ve got a kick ass little sister here and all she wants is a second of your fucking attention.” She flicked her look to Dawn, gave her a full on smile, replaced her scowl and went back to Buffy. “But ya can’t can ya? I’ve gotta side with Dawn… maybe ya should’ve stayed dead, saved us all some heartache.”
It was obvious it was going go.
“I hate you so much.”
“Wanna show me?”
And then she was flying back over the table and onto Dawn. It was chaos so quick that it was hard to see what was happening. Buffy was trying to get across to her, Dawn was squealing under Faith’s weight, Willow was attempting to get Buffy to stop… and I was wondering what the hell to do. It’s handy sometimes being the witch.
Just a little explosion of light and they all stopped their madness. The bang helped, even I jumped and I was the one that made it. Faith raised herself wearily from the now breathless Dawn and rubbed her hand over her jaw.
“That’s two now B, I’m gonna let ya have them on account of I probably deserve it.” Now I finally got to see what scary Faith looked like. It was almost like she snarled the words. “I’m not here to be your bitch though, and if ya gonna keep doing that, you know I’m gonna start hitting back.”
“You’re just so noble aren’t you?”
“No B, I’m fucking human. You might wanna give it a go.” She looked at Dawn then, I could see the apology written on her face. “Look kid, I’m sorry bout that, but I gotta go. I’ll swing by tomorrow, when everyone’s calmed down.” Dawn didn’t answer. She just looked sad. It worried me. “Red, Tara… it’s been great, really… I guess I’ll catch ya later.”
Then she went to the front door and left. No looks back. No change of mind. It was so very messed up. The charge between the two of them is so intense. If it’s always like that it’s probably half the problem. Too much tension.
I started to clear the stuff away, clean the plates of the rest of the pizza, I guessed no one would want to eat anymore. Buffy just sat in a chair. Put her head in her arms and stayed that way. Willow took Dawn upstairs, I guess to put her to bed. To comfort her.
I was scared to speak but I had to say something. I didn’t know all of Buffy’s issues, I knew some of them… but she was never around. Certainly wasn’t interested half the time in being there for Dawn.
“Buffy?” I took her over a mug of chocolate, something to sweeten I hoped. She barely looked up and when she did I could see the tear tracks that were staining her face. “Hey sweetie, come on… it’s not that bad ok? Just take a deep breath.”
But my words of comfort just seemed to make her worse. Her shoulders were shaking now and I didn’t know what to do. The most natural thing was to go to her, to slide my arms around her and hold her close. She let me.
“Do you wanna talk about it? It might help?”
“Oh god Tara… it's just so…” She was forcing the words out from between the sobs, like she didn’t want to speak them. “…everything is wrong. It’s like I came back and nothing is the same. Nothing feels the same…” Her eyes are so full of pain, the tears stopping to leave just the bare truth. She’s hurting and bad. “…why can’t I just be the same as before? I just want to feel Tara… I just want to feel.”
I’d seen her anger tonight, so I knew she could feel that. I needed her to clarify. “Feel what Buffy… what do you want to feel?”
I could see her sadness, tried to imagine what she would say. But I wouldn’t get to hear. The door at the back slammed shut and Spike made his way into the room.
“Slayer… I thought we had things to do?”
She put her head back in her arms, her nose to the table. “Why? Why me… can you tell me that one Tara?”
She lost me again. I settled for smiling, letting her know we could talk later if she had to go slaying.
“What happened in here anyway? You have a rowdy gathering and forget to invite me?”
“Why would I invite you?”
I saw the look he gave her and it made me want to shudder.
“You tell me.”
She got up and offered me a look of apology. “I have to go Tara, tell Dawn I’ll look in on her when I get back… I won’t be long, this won’t take long.”
Spike made his way to the back door and I could see him waiting there for her, running those eyes up her as if he owns her, as if he wants to eat her. It worried me a bit, what with him being a vampire and all.
I could see how much he was smiling and how much she wasn’t. I’m getting a vibe. I want to ignore it.
“Well I’m gonna head back in a while, I’ll look in on Dawnie and Will, I’ll see you soon though Buffy…” She nodded without enthusiasm. It was how she did most things lately. “…we’ll finish our chat?”
“Yep, sure Tara. Thanks.”
And that was the night. I did check in on Dawn. She was distraught, not only with what Buffy had said but what she had said to Buffy. She loves her sister so much, and this feeling she has at the moment that Buffy doesn’t care? It’s tearing her up inside.
I told her that she’d look in when she got back and that seemed to comfort her a little.
As for Willow. She was sad too. It’s a lot for everyone. Too much. I took her in my arms and held her as close as I dared. I wanted to kiss her, to slip my tongue between her lips and show her how much I loved her. But I didn’t. I placed one tiny kiss by the side of her ear. Told her I loved her instead. It was enough to make her smile. For me to leave her in a happy place.
I know what Buffy means. I wish things could be the same as well. But they aren’t. We aren’t. Now we just have to learn how to live with the changes. How to make it all alright again.
POV: Faith.
Two days. Two bliss filled days of silence. I swear I thought my head would explode if I had to listen to anymore of her shit. And if not my head than me. I wanted to. So fucking much I wanted to wipe that self righteous wounded look from her face. But I didn’t. I held my shaking arms tight at my side, said my piece and left.
Maybe it was for Dawn. Maybe if she hadn’t have been there then Buffy would’ve learnt real quick that I won’t be standing for her crap. And I really won’t.
Half of me wants to, half of me wants to lay down and tell her to give me the best she’s got. All that pain that she’s trying so hard to hide, she can unload it my way, I can take pain. But the other half… that’s the half that cares about me. About what I need. My own pain.
Who knew that being back could be so much fun? A real fucking laugh riot.
When she said that shit about Dawn, I wanted to fucking break her. How could she? I know she’s got her issues… but man, Dawn’s a kid. You could just about feel her heart tearing in two, I had to say something.
Maybe I should’ve just shut up. Left it alone. It’s hardly my place to preach is it? She just makes me so damn mad. The whole time I’ve known her, she’s never had enough sense to know when she’s got some good stuff going. So she died..? So fucking what! I lay in a coma for eight months… at least she got her sabbatical in heaven. And now she’s back, with her family, her friends, and yeah it’s hard… but for Christ sake B!
I just wanna shake her. Really damn hard. You know, maybe wrench those eyes open for her and show her what she’s missing. It ain’t perfect, but it’s living. It’s worth something.
I took Dawn out to the movies last night, nothing heavy, some girly chick flick crap that had me reaching for the sick bucket. She liked it though. Was totally full of smiles the whole time we were there and through milkshakes. Pretty much made it through the walk home as well. That’s when things got crappy.
She started asking me if she could stay with me for a while. Ya know, cos she’s happiest when she hangs out with me. What could I say? It had to be a ‘no’. Didn’t matter what I thought, what I wanted for the kid… I knew that teaching her to run away from her problems just ain’t the way to go.
I got pissed with her when she said she had other places she could go;
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“What I said, I have friends I could stay with. People that care if I’m happy…”
“Don’t even go there Dawn! I get that your sisters treating ya like crap, and that blows… but if you think you can pull the brat act with me, then you’re wrong…” I swear she was doing petulant. Hard to remember how old she is sometimes, especially when she starts acting like a two year old. “You know I care, that’s why I’m here. But letting you crash at mine just isn’t happening.”
“But I hate it there!”
“I know ya do, but ya gotta get through it.”
She slumped her shoulders and pulled a perfect B pout. It was kinda freaky the likeness. “Can’t I just stay for a little while, like a couple of days… I bet Buffy wouldn’t even know I was gone.”
She was probably right, but it was still wrong. She had a home, she belonged there.
“I can’t kid, I’m sorry but no.”
The rest of the walk to the house was stomped along in silence. Her always keeping a couple of steps ahead. She tried behind at first but there’s no way I’m not keeping my eye on her. She learnt pretty quick that in front was the only way to go.
I think she thought I was gonna just let her walk away without a goodbye, without some kind of assurance that I’d see her soon. She almost ran those last couple of steps, but I’m quicker, beat her to the door and stuck my ass right in front of her.
“So what? You don’t say thanks for a wicked evening, haven’t you got any manners?”
I got to see Dawn’s own version of pissed eyes then. She cast them up quick, burning with that quiet kind of rage. “Thank you… the movie was great, just what I needed to take my mind off of the fact that my life is crap. Worse than crap… really, thanks.”
Maybe there was a Summers self pity gene?
“What is it with you guys, huh? Yeah, life can be shit, I get that better than most… but Dawn, you have so much going for you and things WILL get better.” I did a twirl, made her at least pretend to smile. “I mean look at me… who would’ve thought a couple of years ago that I would’ve turned out so damn good?”
It wasn’t the best ad in the world for a better life I know, but ya have to work with what you’ve got. At least she didn’t look quite so pissed when she went in, was still playing at grumpy, but pissed had gone. It’s damn hard work trying to keep this girl smiling.
I didn’t make firm see ya again plans, she’s supposed to be seeing her counsellor this evening and then going straight home. So I’m just chilling on my own. I forgot how noisy this place could be, how mad it made my head. Even sitting here on my own I can’t let it go. It’s why I needed a little time, just a rest from the madness.
I was tempted to go Bronzing… to live a little just for me. But the fucking fear of seeing HER keeps me here confined. My whole world is in conflict whenever I’m near her… I’m finding it hard to deal.
I never expected that she would welcome me back, I wouldn’t have trusted it if she did… but I didn’t think that the feeling, the..? GOD! I can’t even think it straight… the thing that’s us, that fucking charge I mentioned, whatever that bullshit is or isn’t… I didn’t think I’d be pulled in again. Damned helpless again.
Angel, Angel, calling Angel. Do ya copy?
Yeah. He loves the helpless. I wonder if there’s a limit on saves per person? I’ll have to remember to ask him. He’s still trying to sort me a baby sitter. He said I can have first choice but I have to wait till next week. He offered me the quicker alternative… I said no. I’m really looking forward to it… Dawn’s great, most of the time, and Tara’s wicked… even Red shocked the shit out of me with her acceptance of me being here… but I miss my own buddies. Talk about things other than Sunnydale.
The thinking is pissing me off. I’m gonna shower, possibly drink… definitely sleep. No more Summers thoughts. I’ll think about winter, it’s colder. It suits.
POV: None.
The master of the lair surveyed his scene with an air of pronounced grandeur. He liked the feeling. Liked knowing that he controlled everything before him. It was his. He had earned it, made it happen. His subjects cowered before him on the floor, looking up through glazed eyes of appreciation, hanging onto every word that marched from his mouth with certain authority.
“But why does it have to be me?”
The whining words broke the leader from his self important daze. What a moment ago had been his loyal subject was now just Andrew. Just Andrew in the basement and questioning his perfect plan.
“It has to be you. It can’t be me…” he raised his chin to the side, showed off his profile. “…I’m much too important to do the field work on this, I need to be here… running things, taking charge… and as for him…” he motioned to his other subject, allowed his eyes to run disdainfully over his form. “…who would ever believe it? He’s much too short for the job. It’s a question of genetics. Think yourself lucky.”
“Maybe she likes the more… vertically challenged male, I could be the man of her dreams.”
“Johnathan, Johnathan… let me break it down for you.” He flipped over the white board which was just in front of him to show his troops the detailed and very graphic stick man drawing with the plans for the ambush. “We need to get her here…” he pointed with his plastic pointer to the entrance of the park. “…but we also need to make sure that all the targets are in the right place. Remember, this is our in, our chance to get a foot in the door… inside the central nervous system of the enemy’s camp.”
Now he placed his pointer next to the stick figure of Johnathan, half the size of any other illustration. “This my little wizard is you… from here it’s your job to create the monster… remember, nothing too scary… it could get dangerous, just something to frighten… to allow Indiana Jerkoff to rescue the girl…”
“Uh… how dangerous is dangerous?”
“Not now Andrew.”
“But this is my life we’re talking about… how utterly dangerous will it be?” The very nervous blonde haired boy was casting his gaze around himself wondering how the hell he had ever gotten himself to here. Yes he was Tucker’s brother and with that came a certain responsibility to uphold the craft of summoning demons… but what Warren was suggesting..? It scared him. Summoning the thing he wanted was too much even for Andrew, they would need the ultimate witch… the most powerful magics, and to get that witch there, all sorts of in depth and scary plans needed to be executed. Least of all this one.
“It’ll be nothing, we’ll be watching the whole time… ready to jump in at a moments notice.”
Warren’s words didn’t reassure him. Sometimes he felt like Warren was in this just for himself. Just because he wanted to rule the world. To be King. The evil Emperor.
“But I’m not good with danger. I get hives… then I start itching…”
“There won’t be danger, ok? We’ll conjure up a magic pony instead and you can take her for a ride around the park… would that be better? That’s definitely a much better plan… why didn’t I think of that?” He waited a moment, let the silence hang. “Because I’m not a stupid sissy, that’s why!”
Andrew could feel himself cowering under Warren’s gaze. He liked it usually when he was all assertive, but this wasn’t nice. He could feel his insides churning from the knowledge of his leader’s disappointment in him.
“Ok… I’ll do it.”
“I know you will.” He turned back to the board, pointed again to the entrance of the park. “We need to wait till the Slayer is in place. We need a witness, someone to see you saving her. Your hero moment.”
Andrew’s hands were starting to sweat. He reminded himself to breathe deep. He could do this. He would just pretend he was someone else. Maybe Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing, he always had a way with the girls. Maybe he could find a leather jacket. With shoulder pads. Learn some smooth moves.
“When we give you the signal you go for it. Three quick hits and it’ll vaporise… you’ll be the saviour, the slayer will be in your debt… and we my friends will be on our way to ruling the world.”
“And why can’t we just take the witch now and be done with it?”
“Johnathan… did you raise your hand?”
“Uh… no?”
“Well if you want to speak in future, raise your hand. None of us have got time for silly questions, lets find a way to cut them out.”
Johnathan also found himself wondering how he’d gotten into this. Since the whole ‘Superstar’ magic went wrong he’d been struggling to make a go of anything. He tried to go straight, just be him… but it didn’t work. Andrew and Warren at least accepted him… they let him hang out with them, and he was allowed to speak sometimes as well.
“If you’d been paying attention you’d know ‘the witch’ has quit magic. I don’t think us saying please is gonna make her do it again… especially not the world ending kind, she’s a habit of working for the light side of the force.” He shook his head sadly. He’d had such hopeful ambitions when he had sent Rak her way. Had witnessed her addiction getting out of hand… but in the end her friends had saved her. She quit cold turkey. Now they needed a way of knowing how to turn her back onto magic. Dark magic. They needed a mole in the camp. An Andrew sized mole.
“This way we’ll know everything about her. Her strengths, her weaknesses. Everything… and before you know it will all be ours…”
He took up his leadership stance again. Walked a commanding path in front of his men. Shoulders back, head held proud.
“… we’ll be unstoppable. Presidents will kneel before us and beg for our mercy, rulers will cower under our gaze, even Gods will be scared to question our actions… we will be the highest power… the ultimate power… we will be Kings!”
Before him on the floor his subjects again withered. In Johnathan’s eyes was fear. He wanted to be King… always had, but ultimate power? It sounded like a big responsibility. And Warren was right. He was a little short.
Andrew’s was a mixed gaze of fear and admiration. It was scary, it was a huge quest on which they had embarked… but Warren always looked so powerful when he was like this, it made him want to… believe in him.
The only thing which really stood out from Warren’s eyes was evil. Pure and simple. Evil.
POV: Faith.
There’s never such a thing as a quiet night in. You may think you’re just gonna chill out alone, get in some quality drinking time and hit the sack, but some person always has to have other ideas. Their own set of plans.
I’d managed some drinking time, it was a pleasant diversion and my ETA on a crash time was set pretty soon. When I first heard the banging I figured it was my head, wouldn’t be the first time I had unexplained noises in the cranium… but hearing my name screeched right along with it was kinda unsettling. It didn’t take too long after that to figure out it was the door. And they say alcohol dulls the senses. Never!
I cast my eyes across at my companion, he sat there half drunk, just one little bottle asking for my friendship. I didn’t like to leave him, he’d been good to me, but the banging was louder and I knew I probably should answer.
“Won’t be a minute, keep yourself amused.”
He didn’t answer. He never did. It’s kinda why I liked him.
Answering the door to Buffy fucked with my breathing. Seriously, I couldn’t do it. I stood there getting redder and redder wondering if she was gonna speak. I think I may have grunted. It didn’t encourage friendly conversation.
“Where is she?”
Who? I think I looked at her confused, I still didn’t have the air for speaking.
“Don’t fuck with me Faith, where IS she?”
She looked totally pissed and it didn’t take a genius to work out what was coming next. I offered her confused again and she offered me her fist. It fucking hurt! Again! It released my ability to breath though and I sucked in a damn big lungful of oxygen. I was gonna need it, I was mad.
“What the hell IS your fucking problem!?” I think I got in her space because I was pretty soon aware of her hands on my chest, pushing me back. I forced against her, urged her to feel the fucking heat I had for her, how damn mad she had made me. “Don’t push me away B, don’t come to my fucking apartment and push me away!”
She pushed harder, broke my resistance. I landed back on my ass, her looming over me, nothing but absolute contempt for me in her gaze. “Tell me where she is!”
We were still on that? I didn’t have a clue.
I slowly pulled myself up, my eyes on her the whole time. I was watching for the sneaky move, the knife in the gut. “What the fuck are you talking about? Where’s who?”
If she didn’t answer me like a damn human being I was putting her on HER ass. I was so sick of the way she found to speak to me. Those few seconds of something else, nothing to balance the disgust she treated me with at any other time. Her eyes gave her away. Her ass was where she would be.
“I know the idiot’s easy for you to play Faith, but don’t insult me… where the hell is she?”
Bye bye Buffy.
I sat her on her ass so quick she didn’t have a clue what had happened and in my head I silently thanked Angel for all the speed training he had made me do. It helped. She went to get up, so I chose my time to speak.
“Slow down B, if you're gonna continue talking shit at me I’m gonna keep putting you on your ass… seems like a waste of time, so unless you got something worth saying, I suggest you stay down there.”
“Bitch!”
I sighed. I couldn’t help it. I was so damn tired of all of this. I didn’t come here for this. I swear I didn’t.
“Right. I’m a bitch, you’re a bitch, we’re both bitches…” I sighed again. It was my action of the evening. “…we’ve got that covered ok? Now please, before I lose whatever bit of sanity has stuck it out this long, what ARE you talking about.”
I could see her looking around me, trying to see inside my apartment.
“Do ya wanna come in?”
I had to offer. Even slayer sight couldn’t go round corners.
I saw her sag, as if she just decided to stop supporting her own weight. It must be hard being in her head right now, I haven’t a damn clue what goes on in there, ever… but you could see how hard it is.
It made me soften. I didn’t want to, hard was the best way to play it with her, I had learnt that… but I couldn’t help it. Maybe I had changed. Had grown. Matured.
“Hey, come on… you can tell me what’s going on.” I leant out, put my hand down to her, offered her a lift.
You know she refused right? It was so obvious that I think that’s maybe why I offered. To prove to myself how well I knew her. She lifted herself up, dusted herself down.
“Fine, I’ll come in… but it’s only to check that she isn’t here. I don’t want to come in.”
Charming. I just raised my eyebrows at her, I didn’t have the right words. I was still feeling soft.
“So who are we looking for?”
“Not we, me. And Dawn.”
Fuck! Of course. What else would bring her to my door?
“Dawn..? What’s going on?”
She didn’t answer, she went from room to room in my place. Even had the gall to open the doors to my closet space.
“For crying out loud B, she isn’t here!…” No reaction, no stopping her from her course. “…why are you going through my laundry?…” Nothing. “…get the fuck out of my stuff!”
That was it. She had turned to me holding a pair of my discarded lacy panties, her eyebrow slightly quirked. What the fuck was this? I know she didn’t think she was finding Dawn anywhere near my panties.
“Jesus B… will you just stop?”
She made her way from my bathroom back into the bedroom. Finally came to stop at the bed. Sat herself down. Sighed a sigh of her own.
“Where is she?”
“What? You gotta know I don’t know…”
“Where is she?”
Did someone get stuck on repeat?
“I don’t know B… but we’ll find her. Where did you see her last?”
Her eyes finally made their way up to mine. And yeah, my heart broke. I told you, it happens everyday for her. They were so… desolate. There must be so much pain in there if this is what she has to do to keep it all at bay. Make herself empty. I remembered the feeling. And I knew the things I had done when I felt that way. I worried for her then. I couldn’t help myself.
I went to the bed and knelt down in front of her. My hand went to make its way to her head, to the hair that was hanging in front of her face. I wanted her to know that I saw her. In there somewhere, I still saw her. Her voice froze me. It had all the steel I remembered.
“Don’t. Don’t touch me Faith.”
My hand hung there for a moment, undecided. I was strong, I knew I could break through steel. But I wasn’t brave enough, didn’t have the courage to try. I let it drop back down. Let myself drop down. I rested on my haunches, allowed just my eyes to rest on her.
She continued on. Matter of fact. “She was supposed to have her counsellor tonight. The school arranged it, because… because of what she did. What she tried to do.”
It was hard to be matter of fact though when it comes to your sister and her voice betrayed what her eyes didn’t. A little of what she was feeling, of what she had lost.
“I was at home, and yes I know, that makes a change… but I’m trying ok?” She didn’t wait for my answer, didn’t need it I guess. “The school rang. Dawn didn’t show, the lady waited there for an hour, then she called me.” Her shoulders raised again in a sigh. “I waited at home, I don’t know, I guessed she was just trying to piss me off… then it got dark, and I…” She flitted her eyes to mine so quick, I nearly blinked, nearly missed it. “…I thought she was with you, I thought you said she could come here… she said she wanted to.”
I couldn’t blame her for thinking that, I knew how low her opinion of me was.
“I swear B, I haven’t heard from her.”
“You’d think that would make me feel better…” She let out a little hollow laugh. “…yet right now I wish that you had. That she was here.”
Her head was shaking as if she couldn’t believe her own words. That something could be worse than me? There was a revelation. I decided to take it as a compliment, like I said, you work with what ya got.
“Is there anywhere else she could be? Someone she goes to?”
I thought back to Dawn’s remark about friends. Places she could stay. She never said names to me though. Not one.
Buffy’s eyes glazed over, her head shaking again. Then she threw herself back on the bed, groaned in frustration.
“Oh god, please no?” I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about.
“What’s that B?”
She suddenly started wriggling on the bed, put her hand underneath herself and pulled out the soft toy I bought for Dawn, I hadn’t given it to her yet. Was waiting on a time.
She looked at it kinda curious I guess. Her eyes narrowing on me. “What’s this?”
“Soft toy?”
“YOU have a soft toy?”
They do a whole special range for psycho bitches nowadays, I thought everyone knew that.
“It’s not mine, I bought it for Dawn… you know?” She looked at me like she didn’t. “To uh… make her smile?”
She raised it up in front of her eyes, turned it around in her hands. She looked like she was feeling it. Eventually her gaze left the softness of the toy and found the softness of me. I felt as hard as a fucking marshmallow sat there in front of her. I raised myself up, put myself on her level. She didn’t move. Then she did. Her mouth opening to speak.
“How do you do that?”
What? Turn to marshmallow? It’s easy B, I look right at you. That sounded too corny even to me. I choked it back.
“Do what B?” It sounded better.
She looked down at the toy again, smiled a little smile. Then she put it to the side, gave me back her attention. “Nothing Faith. It doesn’t matter.”
I still wasn’t brave enough to tell her that it might matter to me. I let her carry on.
“I think I know where she is…” Again our evening had another sigh. “…there’s this… uh guy… type thing. A guy.”
Dawn was dating? Sly girl never told me. “A guy? Figured you for stricter B.”
“No! Not like that, that’s ewww!…” Her eyes went wide as I guess she considered it. “…totally not letting the brain go there.” She shook it away. “It’s a vamp, he helps us sometimes… Spike?”
Oh fuck. I had heard of him. Kinda met him. Angel had not a nice word to say. Said the guy was a prick. Had a chip in his head, but was still just a prick. I trusted him more than her.
“Damn B, the guy’s a prick and you let Dawn hang out with him?”
“You know Spike?”
What kinda name was Spike anyway? “Met him once, different costume.” I motioned my hands to my body. I saw her get it. Saw her eyes widen even more.
“Oh my god… you didn’t..? Tell me you didn’t…”
Didn’t? Oh! “NO!”
“Right, I uh…”
“Doesn’t matter… but why on earth you letting Dawn hang with him?”
Her brow furrowed as if she was still trying to work that out for herself. Then she went on to tell me. Offered me a few insights into parenting Dawn. The other side of the story. Wasn’t all sweet Dawn that was for sure. She didn’t get deep into her own shit, tried to steer clear as much as she could, but she did say she was finding it hard… was trying with Dawn, but nothing was ever enough, whatever she found to give, Dawn just demanded more. I think she felt like Dawn was punishing her for dying still. Had never accepted her death so didn’t accept her being back. I could see the sense in that.
But none of it got us Dawn back now. I didn’t care what she said about Spike helping them out, not being so bad. I didn’t want him near Dawn.
When she got up to leave I said I was coming. She so quickly got the now boring steel back into her eyes. Pissed me off. What was the point? It was confusing the fuck outta me. I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to be feeling.
“Don’t even bother B. You know I’m coming… I’ve a few words to say to Dawn, I’ll stay out of your way, but I’m definitely coming.”
“Whatever.”
It was a virtual invitation.
My first time back in that cemetery was no great excitement. Nothing had really changed, it made me think that nothing ever really does. Buffy wasn’t talking to me, she didn’t need to. It’s like this; imagine being the most fucking powerful person in existence. Strongest, fastest, the lot. Now imagine walking beside the only other person in the world who knew that feeling. Shared that feeling. It was a fucking rush. It lifted my step and I could see it lifting hers. It wasn’t choice, it was just nature. Something she couldn’t hide.
When we came to the door she didn’t knock. She kicked the door, stormed in. I had to follow.
I recognised him straight away. It seemed right that he stood there barefoot with no shirt. He oozed sex, but it was just creepy. Made even me wanna itch. And the way his eyes travelled over me, came to rest on Buffy? I had to swallow some bile,
“Slayer…” he let the word drip from his tongue. I knew he wasn’t talking to me. I wondered if he did. “…am I late for a date?…” again his eyes on me. Touching me. “…you bring reinforcements?” She hit him so hard even I hurt, but he didn’t stay down. Smiled his rise, ran his cold dead tongue over his busted lip. “I get foreplay tonight?”
Oh I was so chewing her out for letting Dawn anywhere near him! I don’t care how disobedient Dawn can be… she should’ve tied her down. Denied her some civil liberties.
I stepped up, was sick of listening. “Cut the crap Romeo… where’s Dawn?”
He ignored me, focused on Buffy. “I like her, she’s feisty.”
I hit him, showed him just how feisty. “Keep it in your pants Blondie.” I kicked him there hard for good measure. Slayer force. All of it. I found it damn pleasing watching him squirm on the floor.
“That’s enough Faith.” She called me off. I let her. Watched her turn her attention to him. “Spike, Dawn is missing, I need to know… have you seen her?”
“The little bits missing?” Oh fuck off! Surely she didn’t fall for that crap. Eyes which were two seconds ago gleaming with sadism, were now all concern, heart warming puke.
“‘Dawn’ is missing…” I cast a withering glare down on his form. “…as for your little bit? I really wouldn’t wanna hazard a guess.”
He brought himself up before me. Dared to find my space. Eyes locked into mine. Yeah I wanted him to push me. It would only happen once.
“Spike. Have you seen her?”
Immediately he dropped back. Offered me a twisted smile. Turned to her. “Yeah, she came sniffing round earlier… I did what you said, I sent her away, told her to go home, big sis was waiting.”
Jesus! I couldn’t believe he was trying to do gallant. Who the fuck was this..? This thing?
“When? When was she here?”
“I figure a little over half an hour…”
I’d like to tie him to a sundial, make him surer.
“…she seemed upset, do you need me to come and help you look?”
She seemed upset and he sent her off alone. Oh please?
“She seemed upset and you let her go off alone, knowing what she did..?” He looked at me like I aggravated him. “I’m pretty sure we don’t need you helping us to find Dawn.”
His expression changed to mild amusement, he walked around me, eyeing me. It made me uncomfortable, like I wanted to strike. “Faith..?” Now my true name dripped from his lips. “…About so high, criminally insane..?” He had the fucking audacity to sneer at me. “…I’m not leaving Buffy alone with you.”
I laughed. It was laugh or… fuck, I don’t know. Die? I looked in amazement at B, I didn’t get that she knew this thing. Socialised with him. I thought she had these fucking huge moral standards and now I was beginning to wonder.
She looked like she didn’t know what to say, I saw her look at him, at me and back again. I felt like she was working out what was her safest option. Interesting. I couldn’t wait to find out.
“Spike you come, Faith we need all the help we can get, Dawn’s my sister… this is my call. Argue with me, I don’t want you here. Just give me a reason to tell you to get lost.”
Give me a reason to separate your head from your neck?
“I just want to find Dawn, B… I’ve no problem staying out of your way.”
He smiled at me. A dirty smile. She didn’t. It was another time when I couldn’t see what her eyes might say. If she had anything to say.
As we left the crypt and took up a pace there was no more feeling of a familiar step, of a rhythm, an us. It was them and me. I didn’t get it, but I felt it. I guess maybe he really did help, maybe there was more to him than the shallow beast I had seen. Something had B at his side instead of mine, finding step with his feet instead of my feet.
I don’t think I need to say how that felt. I knew it was what I expected. What I deserved from her. But it still fucking held me in a moments vice of pain. My heart beating fast as I panicked at all I was feeling. I had to stop, rest and catch a breath.
They both turned at once, looking at me oddly. Then I got it, both of them could hear my heart, my rush of blood. I gestured with my hands. “It’s nothing, indigestion, too much Jack.”
I didn’t get sympathy, they turned and walked on. I hoped they both got struck by lightening, I wished for it the whole time I was walking behind them. Not out loud though. You never know what kinds of things are lurking to hear your words in Sunnydale. But in my head. They fried.
All I wanted now was to find Dawn. Of course I was worried, and pissed, and damn right I meant it when I said I would be talking to her. I certainly didn’t come here for her crap. I get all that from B.
I look at them walking ahead of me. Not touching, not talking. But better than me.
All I wanted was some time alone. A quiet night in. Some minutes away from the madness. LA and home was feeling so damn far away. Tonight I would call Angel. I was like an addict falling off the wagon, I need to speak to my sponsor.
Maturity was just so hard. Everything was just so hard.
POV: None.
The girl was sat alone in the park. Her legs dangling wearily from the swing. She didn’t move to push herself, had no interest in going backwards and forwards, of feeling the wind rush against her face. She was just sitting. Tired.
She felt so alone, so lost. It didn’t seem right. She felt wrong for feeling the way that she was feeling, but she just couldn’t help it. Everything had gone bad. Her whole life felt like some kind of sick joke designed to make her cry, to hurt.
Her mind went to Faith. She wished she could say her saviour but she couldn’t, she didn’t feel saved. Having her here was awesome, she really listened, really cared… but it wasn’t the puzzle piece that she had needed, the bit that was missing. Only her sister could make that pain go away, but Buffy wasn’t there, wasn’t ever there. It’s why she came here.
She figured that sitting alone in a park in Sunnydale after sunset had to be a pretty sure way to get Buffy’s attention. It was kinda creepy though and she was well aware that she stood to arouse more than just the slayer’s attention by sitting there alone, like maybe the things that the slayer slayed. She had a stake, hoped she wouldn’t have to try and use it.
“Big Daddy… come in Big Daddy, this is Dirty Dancer, do you copy me? Over.”
Andrew sat amongst the bushes twirling the dial on his little walkie talkie. He had the girl in his sights, was fully prepared and ready to go. All day he had been envisioning himself as the super cool Patrick Swayze, had raided his brothers closet for his leather and was now just waiting to perform his ultimate act of heroism.
The static from his radio buzzed loud against the silence of the night, caused the prey to look up from the swing, to turn her gaze around the park, eyes darting into the bushes. He turned the volume down, waited to hear words.
“What are you gibbering about Andrew?”
“Not Andrew… Dirty Dancer, I thought of nicknames for our covert operations…”
“Warren will do fine.”
“No! You’re Big Daddy…” He imagined him stood before him all big and powerful.
“Andrew, we don’t need names, we have names…”
“But…”
“But no.” The tone of Warren’s voice left him with no answer. “Now are you in place? Can you see her?”
He was about to confirm when a new voice broke in. “Who am I?”
“Johnathan..?”
“Uh… yeah?”
“Did you put your hand up?”
The boy looked at his hand poking up from the cover of bushes. “Err, yes.”
“Well put it down.” He meekly lowered it back under cover. Berated himself for speaking.
“Andrew?”
“Yeah, I can see her. She’s… sitting on a swing.”
“Johnathan, are you ready to go?”
“Yes.” Now he beamed to himself with pride, Warren hadn’t sounded pissed with him.
“Don’t mess it up!”
And he duly deflated. He cast his eyes around his magic charms, assured himself that he knew the spell needed. Waited for the command.
“I can hear something, I think she might be coming… Johnathan, get ready, Andrew… be brave.” Andrew sat shaking. He could do this, he knew he could.
POV: Faith.
I’m trailing along behind them watching their backs. If hate was solid I’d have knocked them both over by now. It’s building as we’re walking and we’ve been walking for a while. I’m not even sure where, I don’t need to look left or right, I just follow her, keep my eyes on her.
I can feel the tenseness sliding down her back and rushing up to meet me. She’s so stiff she might crack, every time he touches her I see her go rigid, watch her skin crawl… it makes me wonder why she doesn’t do something. I would never let that dead fucker touch me. Not a chance.
As we come up to the entrance of the park we all stop at the sudden noise, it’s a scream, but more than that it’s Dawn’s scream. I react first, finding my feet running, I’m not following now, I’m finding.
It’s easy. That girl has one hell of a scream on her. I can see her not far from me, backing slowly away from some glowing purple mass of..? Stuff. It looks more like something from a comic book and I can see her straightening herself to take it on. I see her courage, I see the Buffyness of her stance. If she had the super powers to go along with her toughness I would’ve left her to it, but she doesn’t, so I continued with the heading her way.
Just as I’m about to call her name I hear another sound. It’s a boy to her left coming tearing out of the bushes, he rushes to the front of her, hands on hips, posing in leather… it’s easy to hear his words, it sounds like he’s making a speech.
“Hey babe… don’t worry, I’ll save you!”
Oh come on? What a sweetheart.
The big purple stuff chose that moment to let out a growl, closing the distance between them to a mere matter of feet. If the boy was gonna save he had better get to it, he had one chance to be the knight in shining armour, I was ready to pounce.
I saw him turn round all smiles and cockiness, then I saw his eyes widen, saw him virtually piss his pants. The scream was way louder than Dawn’s, and he had now jumped behind her and was clinging for dear life.
“Hey, get off me!”
She was trying to shake him free and at the same time keep away from the monster. It was proving hard. I chose my time to make an entrance, Spike and Buffy were closing in too and I wanted to make my mark first.
“Yo Dawn, you want some help?”
She looked at me in surprise and then gratitude, cast her eyes at the thing. “Can you get him off of me?”
I had to laugh. I walked forward and yanked him from her back. He was still quivering in fear so I made sure I dropped him gently. Dawn backed away further and I turned to face the foe.
Buffy and Spike were warily sizing him up, obviously working as a team to draw its attention. I didn’t care for it, jumped straight in. Landed a solid punch, knocked it to the floor. It didn’t even try and retaliate, just growled some and sat there. I watched as Buffy swung her leg round to connect with its head, saw it snap back. My foot was already raised, ready to stamp, to finish a job. As I brought my foot down to where contact should be it vanished. Like serious. One minute there, the next minute… not. It was freaky as shit.
“Whoa…” I looked to the others, forgot for a second that I hated them both right now. “…you did see that right? I made that thing disappear!”
But Buffy was already looking at Dawn, her eyes narrow and filled with something akin to rage. “You. Home. Now!…” She was almost shaking, I guess from the worry. “…I can’t believe this, that you’re here… alone?”
Dawn didn’t answer, didn’t really look up. She was trying to hide her tears from us I think, I wished she didn’t bother, that she’d let Buffy see how capable of hurt she was.
“Just leave it B, it doesn’t need sorting now does it?”
“It’s not your concern.”
“Yeah it is.” I made my way to Dawn’s side, threw my arm around her shoulder. I wanted a talk with her, at that moment I felt like I was in the better position to talk to her. I know what she’s feeling, I know how much she wants Buffy’s attention, but getting it like this just isn’t gonna help her. Buffy with a stick up her ass ain’t nobodies friend. I put a little pressure behind my arm and urged her into walking. “Come on kid, let’s get ya home.”
She came my way, Buffy didn’t say anything else. It was her turn to follow me now. The boy was walking along at her side, I don’t know why, I didn’t hear her invite him, but he was still there. He kept glancing around, nervous as fuck. Spike was still there as well, playing the happy humanitarian. I couldn’t wait to tell Angel. Man, he would fucking die. Or at least he might die some more.
POV: Faith.
I approach the steps to the house with my arm still tight around Dawn’s shoulders. My grip stays firm to help her to hold in her sobs, every few seconds another shakes through her and I know how close she is to just breaking down. I want to get her inside first, allow her some dignity. It was a real fucked up stunt she pulled tonight, we all know that, but attacking her now just isn’t right. I’m not gonna let it happen.
B can take it anyway she likes it, but I’m not leaving this house until I’m sure that Dawn is okay. The pills and whisky crap didn’t work, I’m kinda guessing that sitting in the park alone was another veiled attempt at ending it all and that didn’t work… I just wanna make sure that she isn’t looking for third time lucky.
I tap lightly on the door with my foot and only wait seconds for it to be thrown back. It’s Red. She doesn’t even look at me, turns her eyes straight to Dawn, tries to take her in her arms.
“Hey Sweetie, are you ok? What happened?”
Dawn wouldn’t let herself be taken though, just dipped her head forward and hid her answer beneath her masses of long brown hair. I answered for her, I knew it was my place to.
“She’s ok, a little worn out…” I made my way through the door, Willow stepping aside without even giving it a thought. I noticed that, it made me a little happy. “…I’m gonna take her up to her room…”
“Wait!”
I was trying to forget about her. She followed me through the door, the two boys in leather right behind her. It only took two steps for her to be up in my space.
“We’re home now Faith, thank you for helping, really… but uh, you can go now, I’ve got this.”
She was putting this perky little expression on her face, stood there in front of her sister who was literally falling to pieces and she was trying to dismiss me with perky? I figured it was finally time to say something. To stand up and make the point I had come here to make. I was sick of being confused by her, missing my point because of her. I turned to Dawn first, slid my arm from her shoulders and searched out her eyes.
“Go upstairs kiddo, I’ll be up in a minute, I wanna talk to you, okay..?”
She bit on her lower lip, her shining eyes red rimmed as she nodded her head. She didn’t look to the others, just silently trod her way up the stairs. I turned back to Buffy, it was time she remembered what it was like to see the steel in MY eyes. Hear the disappointment in my tone.
“In case you didn’t get it B, I’m not going anywhere…” She went to speak, I held up my hand. “…just shut up and listen, it’s about time you heard this.”
The peroxide vamp dared again to try and find my space, this time I didn’t let him, the door was still open and I helped him through it. She didn’t need this thing to stick up for her, I wanted to hear her words, her excuses.
He tried to come back in and I gave him a look which I knew was fierce. I had been keeping it locked up for ages, but now I was swimming close to the edge. Just the whole fucking vibe from this piece of shit was making me wanna get stake happy. “You better tell your playmate to fuck off B, the only way he comes back in here tonight is as a pile of dust.”
Oh it was a battle of wills! She stared her hatred at me and I just stared at her. I didn’t have hatred, so I gave her nothing. Nothing must be worse than hate cos it was me that eventually won out.
“Spike, go home.” There was no warmth to her tone and that threw me as well. One minute I figure she’s his..? I dunno, buddy? And the next she’s as fucking frosty to him as she is to me. He glared at her, sneered at her.
“I’ll be seeing you, Slayer.”
Did he not know her name?
The other freak in leather was still standing there still looking nervous. I didn’t know what to do with him, didn’t have a clue who the fuck he was. “Hey, you?”
He looked up, couldn’t meet my eyes properly. “Uh, yeah?”
“You think you can find your way home?” He went to nod and then he stopped, drew in a breath.
“I’m a little scared really, could I uh… stay here for a while?”
Give me a break. I looked at Red, motioned to the boy. “Can you fix him a drink? Take him through to the kitchen, I wanna have a quick word with Buffy.”
I looked at them two looking at each other, saw B give Willow the silent nod, the assurance that it was ok to go. “Hey there… I’m Willow…” She smiled the quirky smile and babbled through an introduction. He was all attention as he followed her from the room, in fact it was kinda creepy the way he was looking at her, like he was observing her. Odd.
“So you’ve worked your way back into my home, into my life… isn’t this the bit where we find out that you’re really psycho? When you start killing people?”
Oh good, it was gonna be easy. Ha fucking ha.
“Past mistakes B, this ain’t about that and you know it…” I made my way to the sofa, took my own invitation to sit down. I gestured at her to do the same, she stayed standing. “…you’re the one that’s fucking up this time, and luckily for you I’m here to help.”
The look she gave me almost had me doubting it myself. It did sound kinda farfetched I guess. It’s the hanging with Angel, I’m all about the helping now.
“I don’t want your help.”
“You know that you need it.”
“I know I don’t need anything from you.”
I tried to think about a nice way to phrase it, but there wasn’t one, isn’t one. “So why did Dawn try to kill herself then B? If things are doing so well without my help?” Now she sat down. Sank down. I wasn’t gonna let it deter me this time though. I had made my eyes empty for this, I planned on keeping them that way. “Sit up, I’m sick of all this self pity crap.”
“What?”
“Exactly what I said B. Sit the fuck up, I want you to listen to me. I listened to you earlier… now you listen to me.” Her brows knotted a little in confusion as she sat herself up, maybe wondering why she was doing as I said. “I don’t wanna get all touchy feely, this isn’t me getting in your shit, I don’t care about your shit, your little sob story…” It felt harsh, but honest. “…this is about the kid upstairs, the one you’re supposed to love, supposed to care about.”
“I do love her.”
“Touching.” No, really, the emotion was uh… not there. “Only thing is B, with love… you kinda need to show it.”
“What the hell would you know?”
I knew enough to know what happened when you didn’t show it. When you denied it. “I know that at the moment your little sister is probably sat upstairs planning her next method of topping herself…”
“No…”
“Yes. Face it B, whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong.”
She wiped at her eyes with her arm, dragged it across her face. Unveiled some fresh contempt. “You just love this don’t you?”
“What?”
“Getting to come here all holier than thou… acting like you’re better than me…” She shot a look of pure filth down her nose in my direction, stifled a faked laugh. “…as if ‘you’ could ever be better than me?”
Her glare was all encompassing and I could feel it prickling my senses. Reminding me of all the misdeeds and pain I had caused. I opened my mouth to speak, to shout her down, make my point, but my mouth was dry. Different words croaked out, words I didn’t want.
“I know you’re better than me, ok? I get that… I always got that.” Who’s was this voice that sounded so pathetic? I mentally kicked myself, pulled it all together. “But aside from that? No… I hate this. I hate that Dawn feels so damn bad and I can’t make her feel better, I hate that I have to be here, away from my friends with people that despise me… and I hate that I have to be near you again.” It slipped out a whisper, she’d never understand why. “None of this is a pleasure for me, the sooner it’s sorted the better for everyone.”
She stood herself up, started pacing the front room. Her thumb was up to her mouth and I wondered if she was chewing a nail, her nerves hurting her as much as mine were hurting me. It was the intensity again. I swear it was always there. She stopped with her back towards me, her words filling the space between us.
“I wish you could see, wish you could understand what it’s like, how much it hurts…” She wasn’t talking to me, so much as at me. “…every second feels like an hour of pain and I try to smile… to laugh… I try to care…” Her voice was creeping down in volume and I had to strain to hear her confession. “…but it’s so hard.” Now she turned, her eyes falling into mine. “I do love her Faith, I know I do… of course I do, but it’s so much… being with her, everything she wants from me, needs from me… it’s too much. I haven’t got it to give, I haven’t got anything to give.”
I stood up, I couldn’t help it. I walked towards her, slowly. A part at me wanted to scream down her selfishness, force her to feel. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I knew how this was gonna go, but I had to do it… whether to prove it to myself again, or just because my heart was telling me to. Her eyes weren’t deterring me with disgust so I pushed forward, tucked the hair behind her ear… like I meant to earlier. She didn’t flinch, so I spoke.
“It’ll be okay, things are crap, I know crap B… but more than that I know about getting better, about second chances…” Her head slowly started shaking, dislodging her hair, covering her eyes again. “…don’t do that, don’t shake your head, don’t just dismiss me.”
“I can’t listen to you Faith, I can’t believe in you.”
“You mean you won’t?”
“I mean I can’t.” The way she was looking at me, I believed her. I backed up, left her some space.
“Let me help with the Kid B, let me talk to her… let me be around her without it causing some kind of major conflict between us…” She looked doubtful, I felt it. “…I’m not saying buddy me up, I’m saying let’s not fight in front of Dawn, just let me be here. Please?”
“You really think you can help?”
“I really think I can help.”
For a moment there was some silence, some consideration. When she spoke again I knew I was in. It wasn’t warm but it wasn’t cold. It wasn’t the same old steel.
“If you can get her to see her counsellor, if you can do that… then fine. I’ll… what? Back off? Is that what you want?”
“This isn’t about what I want B…” I wanted to keep all those thoughts far far away. “…but yeah, a little less hostility, that’s gotta be nice.”
“You get her to see the counsellor then I’ll… ‘work’ on less hostility.”
I had to let out a little laugh, just the way she said it… like it was the most painful thing in the world. Ever. “Oh come on B, it won’t be all bad…” I let the eyebrows out to play, she inspired it in me. “…we can find some fun.”
“Not working Faith… I’m still feeling hostile.”
“Not even a little bit?” I wiggled them again, gave her the smile, the dazzling one. “Cos you look a little less… hostile.”
She shook her head at me, but it was different, not so much disgust as amusement. I quit whilst ahead, I knew my limits. “I’m gonna go up then, talk to her… try and find out what’s going on.”
She did sigh a bit but she also nodded, sat down on the sofa. “I’ll wait here for you, you can tell me how it goes.”
I headed up the stairs with only one thought in my mind. Getting Dawn to that counsellor. I wanted Buffy to work at less hostile, I liked it. And I wanted Dawn to learn to smile a bit more too… maybe a counsellor would help? I wasn’t much for them, but Dawn was smarter than me, maybe she could get something from it. Solve some problems.
I gave a little tap on the door and made my way in. She was on the bed in foetal position, I guess looking for the comfort she’d lost since her family hadn’t been there to hold her in their arms. I wanted to break down for her, to make her know that I really did understand her pain, comforting arms hadn’t often held me either.
I wanted to change that for her, to give her the thing I always needed the most.
“Hey kid..?” She looked up, her face blotchy with the truth of how much she was hurting. I sat down next to her, drew her into my arms and held her tight. Held her close. “Come on now, it’s not so bad… it’ll all be okay, you just gotta give it time.”
It felt so strange. To have someone needing me, relying on me. It made me want to do my best, to be what she needed. I held her close until her cries had faded, her chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm.
“You feel better for that?”
“A little, not a lot. My nose is kinda runny now.”
I looked down at my shoulder and noticed the marks from her tears and I guess also her snot. “You know that’s gross?”
She nodded, shot me a look to say ‘what can ya do?’ I didn’t even bother protesting, my shoulders were there for her anytime. I wanted her to know that. Snot or no snot.
I wriggled myself into some comfort on the bed and got ready to talk. I hadn’t pushed with Dawn since I’d been here, had been happy to do what she wanted, to talk about the things which she needed to talk about. But where had that gotten us?
Dawn playing bait in the park after hours. Not a success story.
It was time I took the lead, asked some tough questions, demanded some straight answers. Dawn had to learn that to make things better you had to try yourself. You couldn’t rely on other people to make it better for you… sure, they can help, Angel is all the proof needed on that… but ultimately it has to be a personal choice. You have to want to make it better, be ready to work at it.
I felt so bad. My crap was mostly my fault, I’d had pushes in the wrong direction… but it was my fault. Dawn was here through no fault, yet still she would have to work just as hard to make it right.
Her eyes were focused on me, studying me as I studied my thoughts. I wondered if she was waiting for me to start talking, but then she chose to speak first. “I know you’re pissed at me Faith, I know I screwed up again… and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it, it was stupid.”
“Yeah. It was damn stupid, pretty irresponsible as well… but it’s done now. I’m not gonna chew you out, act like I know better… I just wanna know why? You promised Dawn, you said you wouldn’t do that again…”
“I wasn’t!”
“What?” Sure she was. “You want me to believe that you sitting after dark waiting for some hot sucking action wasn’t another… ‘end it all’… attempt?”
“No!” She looked kinda confused by my theory, but to me it still made sense. “I was just… I wanted to, I wanted Buffy to come and find me.”
“You’re kidding me?”
“I swear…” Her head was nodding all vigorously, adamant in her explanation. “…I wasn’t trying that… I don’t want that. Not anymore.”
“Fuck.” She really had some dumb ideas. “That’s gotta be the stupidest damn way I’ve ever heard of getting attention… well, you know… aside from going evil and killing people… but sitting alone after dark? That’s kinda messed up too.”
“I know,” her eyes spoke the confirmation. “Just with Buffy… I feel like I have to go big, the little things sail right by.” She shrugged her shoulders. “She never notices me.”
I thought back over the words that B had given me downstairs. Tried to pull comfort from them to give to Dawn, but there wasn’t any. Dawn needed her and she didn’t feel like she could give. I didn’t have a clue how I was gonna be doing all this helping that I planned on doing.
I went with the best I had. All I had. “She loves you Dawn, and I know at the moment it’s not enough… I know you need more, but you just gotta take that and cling to it.” I tried to make my words have feeling, to convey what I knew. “When someone’s in so much pain that they forget how to feel, how to care… you can’t push them, you can’t force them to feel things that they’re not ready to feel, to deal with things that they‘re not ready to deal with. Just know that she loves you, that she wants to get better.” She had tears streaming from her eyes again, I reached up and wiped them away, cleared a path for fresh ones. “I wish I could make this better for you.”
She nodded again, no vigour now. “So do I.”
The heart that I used to doubt I had was breaking in two. I’d do anything to make this right. Her words when they came were pleading for answers.
“I just don’t get it… I don’t get why she’s so different. What I did so bad that makes her not care.” She looked at me with questioning eyes. “Do you think it’s the dying..? I think it is… I think she regrets it, I think she wishes it was me that had gone… that she made the wrong choice.”
“God no!” She deflated with my refusal of her words. Like she wanted me to confirm it, because then she would know. Would understand what she had done wrong. “Shit kid, come here.”
I took her again in my hold, rocked her as I said words to rebut everything she believed. All the reasons she would think that Buffy wished it was her who had died. I may have witnessed the pain that Buffy was in, seen for myself her own inner turmoil, but never did I get the impression that she wished she hadn’t done things as she had. She only regretted coming back. Not the going.
“Your sister's the most courageous fucking person I ever met Dawn, there’s no way she’d ever give up all that damn heroism to do things different, are you kidding me?”
She giggled a little. “She does like her super hero moments.” She pulled herself then up from my embrace, crossed her legs and started to talk. “She pretends she’s all martyr-girl… but you should hear her sometimes, she goes on and on and on about this time and that time, saving this person and that person… I know the ins and outs of ALL her apocalypses…”
Yeah I could see that. ‘Buffy the saint’ tormenting Dawn with tales of her heroism. I bet it’s damn tough being Miss Perfect’s little sister. “Exactly what I’m saying! Forget that she’s a bit…” I wanted to say vacant, thought about saying blonde. “…uh… distant right now, just remember the good times… make HER remember the good times.”
She sighed a sigh. “I wish mom was here.”
Often I forget just how much she is dealing with. I wonder where she finds her strength. I was a slayer and I never had her strength, never dealt with anything as well as she was doing now.
“I wish your mom was here too, she’d probably have kicked my ass by now, worse than B even… but yeah, your mom would’ve sorted this shit out. Better than I can.”
“At least you’re trying.”
“I have to, I gotta a whole lot of making up to do.”
The way she had started looking at me now made me nervous. Peering in at me with eyes as inquisitive as Buffy’s. “What happened Faith?”
My insides tied their own knots as I considered that one. What happened? Everything happened. My life happened.
“You were there…” I checked my memories and sure enough, she was there. Fucking strange. “…you know what happened. I went bad. I WAS bad.”
“I didn’t mean that… I mean, what happened, before that? What made you go bad?”
What did she want, a debate on nature versus nurture? I was always a fuck up, I perfected it young, I had a lot of time on my hands. “Some things just are what they are, no point dwelling, it’s not what they are now.”
“Why won’t you tell me?”
“Nothing to tell kid.”
She got the pout, I felt myself weakening. “Look, my life story ain’t nothing to go getting excited about ok?”
“But you know MY life story!”
“You’re two years old!”
“Ha! Actually I’m WAY older than that, I was green blobby energy stuff for AGES! In fact I’m way older than you… all of you! So spill…” She grinned as if she thought she had some triumph. “…you tell me your story and I’ll fill you in on being a ball of energy… it’s fascinating stuff.”
How could I not laugh?
I thought about a way to turn it, to make it benefit me to lay it all out. I hated doing that shit, talking about crap that no-one could change. What was the fucking point? It was times I wanted to forget, not fucking share and care about.
“I’ll make you a deal…” She was all rapt attention. “…I’ll tell you my pointless story of existence, you go see that counsellor that B’s got a flea up her ass about. Yeah?”
She narrowed her eyes with a look of mock anger. “That sucks! But… k, deal.”
I held my hand out for her to shake on it. As she did she spat on her hand, welded them together with yet more of her secretions. This kid had issues. “Do I gotta tell you that’s gross?”
She smiled a satisfied smirk. “Nope, you just gotta tell me the ‘Faith’ story. We spat on it.”
I didn’t bother with making myself comfortable before I began, I knew that the words I would be speaking were the kind that made me uncomfortable. Just meet it head on, that’s the only way I could do it.
“So what do ya wanna know?”
“Well… what happened to your mom?” Damn it Dawn! No need to go straight for the jugular. “Did she die too… like my mom?”
I tried to find any similarity between what Dawn had lost and what I had lost. There wasn’t any. I never had what she had had. I tried to keep my voice steady, to take away any feelings. I was prepared to share a little with Dawn, but I wasn’t about to break down doing it.
“No… nothing like yours. Your mom was ace, the fucking best.” I couldn’t stop the bitter laugh that crept from my lips. “Mine was the worst, real bottom of the barrel shit.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No need, she was sorry enough for all of us.” I lay down across her bed, focused my eyes up to that place far away, not here, long ago. “She wasn’t like the bad mom’s ya see on TV, she didn’t beat me all the time and shit, she didn’t shout and curse all day… to me it was worse than that.” I remembered the times when I would go for days without being spoken to, see nothing in my mother's eyes that made me feel loved. “She just stopped caring, figured I wasn’t worth taking the time on…” I felt that small again, that pointless. “…so I started acting out, giving her a reason to notice me. I’d steal shit, ran with a bad crowd, fucked about with boys, dropped outta school… nothing made a difference though. Bitch wouldn’t have cared if I’d just upped and died.”
“What about your dad?”
“What about him? He walked out on us, nothing different to most kids, nothing different to you.”
“So you had no-one? The whole time?”
“Hard to miss what ya never had kid…” I gave one of those sighs, I was getting used to them now. “…and I had a few buddies, a few guys that looked out for me. It did.”
“That sucks.”
“Yeah. And then she died. Dunno what happened, I wasn’t there, I stopped going home all the time… there wasn’t any point. I could always find a willing bed to stay in, some shit to eat… meant I didn’t have to remind myself what home wasn’t like.” I can still see the woman that was waiting back at our place, I went for clothes, she told me that I was going with her. Foster care. Like fuck. “They tried to take me in, put me in some placement with a nice family, but I forgot how to do nice… I was all badass and loving it.”
“Where did you go?”
“Nowhere, everywhere. Laid low, got high, got laid. Got called. End of.”
I sat up, this was doing my head in. Playing confessions with a kid wasn’t my idea of fun, I’d given her enough to make the deal stick. I’d done what I had to do. That was all. No more. I could feel my own eyes stinging from the want of release, but I wouldn’t allow it. I wouldn’t cry for that time, any of it. It was old and done.
She didn’t look satisfied though, looked annoyed at me for trying to end it there. “But what about then, when you got here… with Buffy, tell me about you and Buffy?”
“Me and Buffy..?”
“Yeah, I don’t get the aggro… I mean I get it now, she really was pissed at the body snatch and killing thing… but why before that?”
“You’ve got way too many questions for a kid.”
“Inquisitive minds are the minds of the future.” I gave her a look. “It’s true, the principle says it at the end of every assembly. It’s inspiring.”
“Well go get inspiration somewhere else, I’m all out of stories.”
“But Buffy NEVER tells me the juice on that one, never did… all I get is the Faith rap sheet, tell me what happened, why it happened?”
“The deal wasn’t that, I’m not the one looking for a counsellor.” She looked disappointed, I looked firm. “No Dawn, and don’t bother with the pout. If I ever wanna talk about that shit it’ll be with Buffy… and I won’t ever wanna talk about that shit, ok?”
“Whatever.”
“Sulker.”
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
“Not.”
The light tapping at the door stopped it from descending into anything childish. It was Willow. She smiled that little smile that was all hers. Directed it strangely at me. “Faith, Dawnie…” She came in and sat with us on the bed, it was getting kinda crowded. “…you guys all talked out then?”
Uh… how did she know that? I gave her a look, saw that she had listened. I shook my head, tutted disgust. “That’s low Red.”
Dawn just gave us a confused look, Willow offered apology. “Wait… I wasn’t, I didn’t… I just checked you weren’t talking about anything before I knocked, but you were… so I waited. But I didn’t listen. I just kind of… heard?”
“Great, wanna give me a hug and say it’s all ok, tell me it’s cool I’m a fuck up cos my childhood went to shit?”
“No… I didn’t…”
“Save it Red, doesn’t matter anyway, it’s in the past.”
She gave me a look I didn’t want. I hated trading on sympathy, it made me feel weak. I glared in return, made sure she understood the message.
She rose from the bed and kissed Dawn on the top of the head. “I love you sweetie, you know that right?”
The kid to her credit nodded. She dealt with sentiment a whole lot better than me. “I love you too Willow, thanks.”
“No thanks needed, you’re kinda easy to love.”
I forgave her then for being an eavesdropping ass. We were on the same side. When she turned her attention back to me I smiled at her, let her know I was over it.
“Buffy’s waiting downstairs, I’m hitting the sack…” She turned again as she went to close the door on us. “…this might not mean much, but I’m glad you’re here.” She smiled again. “You’re not so bad.”
I guess I looked at her confused. I was confused. “Right. Uh… thanks.” When the door clicked closed I stared at Dawn in amazement. “I’m not so bad..? Did I just hear Red say I’m not so bad..?”
“Yep… that’s two down.”
“Huh?”
“I’m keeping score… we’ve still got Xander and Anya, but they’re easy, just talk about weddings…” Weddings? What did I know about weddings? “…and sex, Anya loves the sex talk!”
“She talks to you about sex?” Who was this woman?
“No, not me specific, she talks to EVERYONE about sex.”
“And she’s with Xander? She must dig a different kinda sex to me, either that or the boy has learned some.” Her laughter made me realise that was probably inappropriate conversation. I tried back peddling. “Not that he wasn’t a stallion… ya know, big ol’ Xander, stud muffin. Completely.”
I guess that wasn’t so good either.
“Don’t tell Anya that, she’ll think that you want him again!”
Oh please. “No way Dawn, I do sit ups these days when I’ve got a spare seven minutes.” She laughed again, I cringed again. I wanted to shut up now. “Enough!” She just laughed harder. “Come on Dawn, B will think we’re having a party she if hears your noise, the fun stuff will just piss her off.” She raised her eyebrows in dismay.
“But pissing her off is what I do, I thought you knew that?”
“No Dawn, pissing her off is what ‘I’ do… you need to stop doing it.”
The laughter from a minute ago was replaced by sombre silence. “I know, I wanna stop it… but sometimes it’s just easier, to act out, to get attention.”
“You know I know, but trust me… being good is much better. You try good and see where it gets us, ok?”
“Being bad isn’t working out so well, I could give it a try.”
“It will be better, I promise.” Now I just had Buffy to work on. Daunting to say the least. I wanted a fucking badge from Angel if I managed to pull all this shit off. I could see her eyes getting weary rather than sad. “Get to bed kid, I’ll go tell B I got you to agree to a counsellor, should ease her off you a bit… me as well I hope.”
“Okay… night then.”
I stood up, ruffled her hair the way she hated it. “Night you, sleep tight and all that crap.”
“You really need to work on that.”
I shrugged my shoulders, I was trying. “Sweet dreams?”
“Thank you.”
I gave her a wink as I closed the door. Took a deep breath as I prepared to face Buffy. I hated the way that days in Sunnydale always seemed so much longer. The drama in them enough for a lifetime, let alone just a day.
I trod softly on the stairs, mindful of the late hour and the quiet in the house. The glow from the TV accentuated my slayer sight and I could see the shadows as they bounced across her peaceful features.
I eased my way over and softly took the remote from her grasp, I should of guessed she’d hog the thing, even in her sleep. I didn’t know whether to wake her. I wanted to see her eyes as they opened on me, to see them before they remembered me. I didn’t wanna force that moment of intimacy though. I’d made a habit of taking things from her, I didn’t ever want to take from her again.
I switched the box off, plunging the room into a darkness that I still had no trouble negotiating, I reached across her and grabbed the blanket from the back of the sofa. Shook it out and lay it over her. Her hair had fallen back across her eyes a little and I couldn’t resist, had to have one undisturbed moment of looking at her wholly, totally, without any of the shit.
My gaze was stuck on her as I whispered a silent prayer for my feelings to go away. It wasn’t right that it still felt like this. I couldn’t take things still feeling like this. Even with all the things I had taken from her… it just didn’t sit fair that she had taken my heart. Anything else but that.
I wanted to trace lips with fingers, to make smiles with touches. I didn’t though, of course I didn’t. I whispered words I truly meant. For both of us.
“Sweet dreams.” I kissed the tips of my fingers and placed them against her forehead. Hoped that somewhere away from everything she felt it, knew that I meant it.
I left there and sped my way home. There wasn’t much night left to have time on my own, to drink, to forget. I smiled at the knowledge that Angel would be up, would probably be sat alone wondering at his own life. His own existence. We made a happy pair.
I dialled the number and listened to two rings.
“Hello Faith.”
“Hey big guy… the psychic powers still working for ya then?”
Of course it was me, who else would it be? I liked to get a dig in though, there was a certain psychic power that I knew he was interested in. It was called Cordy.
I listened to the tones in his voice, his words spoke with quiet wisdom. They lulled me, they made me feel safe.
We kept our vigil for each other until the sun started to rise. Talked away the darkness that often haunted us both. Saying goodbye was hard. I really did miss his presence.
“Thanks for the chat, I mean it… I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“It works both ways Faith, you give as much as you get.” He always said that, it was hard to think that he relied on me too though. It was odd.
Once the call was through I went to my bed and sank myself down. I wanted sleep. But most of all I wanted the sweet dreams.
POV Faith.
I stand in front of the full sized mirror checking out myself from every angle. I have to get this right. Only trouble is I’m not so sure what right is exactly. Or why I even care.
I’ve been through every stitch of clothing that I brought with me, which isn’t so much, trying different pants with different tops all in the hope that one combination will be the one that makes me someone different, someone she doesn’t despise. It doesn’t work like that though. Doesn’t matter if I go with jeans or leather, low cut, high cut, hair up, hair down… it’s still me I see looking back at me. Still me with the sweating palms and shaking hands. Still me ready to sink to my knees and scream out my rank frustration.
In the end I settle on what I know best, my camouflage in place as I slide into the leather which fits my skin so well. The top that dares to show more than it hides. And the makeup which could only ever be about concealment. Suppressing who I am now in favour of who I was then.
I still look good, I look fucking hot, but that’s little consolation to my self. To the part of me that’s learnt about hiding and running, about being a coward.
I still don’t know that this is even a good idea. Things sit at a tentative ceasefire, B prepared to breath the same air as me, to share the same space as me and not beat my ass. But to socialise together..? It scares the shit out of me.
I wanted to say ‘no’. I did say it, more than once in fact, but Dawn is good. She knows how to pout down my resistance, to put the right level of whining into her pleas;
“So what are ya doing the weekend?”
“Same as every other day I expect, why? You wanna do something?” I remember thinking maybe she wanted to go to the movies again, maybe out for food, to the arcade… it all suited me. Finding the fun with Dawn was good, it was innocent fun, the kind I was only just learning about;
“Can we do something Saturday night?”
I could see Red across the room, losing attention with her laptop, her eyebrows raising as she listened in on Dawn’s plans.
“Sure thing, what ya got in mind? Want me to show ya some smooth moves at the arcade again, maybe catch a film?”
“Nope.”
“Well what then? There isn’t much to do round here if I remember rightly.”
I should have guessed by the exchange of smirks that something was occurring, that I was about to be steamrollered.
“I was thinking the Bronze.”
“The Bronze?” It didn’t sound too bad, I wasn’t sure Buffy would let me take Dawn off out for dancing, but if she was cool, I was cool.
“Uh-huh… we’re kinda going, as a group… and well, I want you to come.”
“A group?”
“Yep, my celebration for kicking your ass at the pizza eating contest!”
“You cheated!”
“No way… Wills said I won, and it’s her treat… so will you come?”
I looked across at the witch, her lively eyes and matching smile. She was pretending that the screen in front of her held so much of interest, but I knew the score. I’d been gang banged before.
“Who’s going?”
Like I didn’t know.
“Me, of course, and Willow, and Tara… then Xander and Anya… and just a few others.”
“I don’t know… I have this thing, to do… on Saturday.”
I could see them exchange glances, little furtive things that they figured I would miss. “But you just said we could do something… how can you have a thing if you said we could do something?”
“Well it’s a thing I forgot, I just remembered… but we can do something Sunday if you want?” It sounded as false as it was. It was the words that first brought about the pout. The lips protruding that little extra bit, the eyes drenched in sorrow.
“But I want you to come… please?”
“I can’t, I’m sorry.”
I didn’t have room in my tone for bargaining, was sure I wouldn’t need it. The other night when I had whispered dreams to Buffy, I had vowed then to just stop. To stop wanting more. And I could do it, I was sure… but it would be easier if I didn’t see her. Didn’t allow me eyes to linger too long on all it was that they wanted to consume.
Dawn pulled herself up from the sofa all full of wounded torment, I might have felt sorry for her if I hadn’t seen. Hadn’t seen the look exchanged as she made her way past Willow. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d tagged her in… it’s what it felt like she had done.
Dawn left the room, Red rose from her chair. I’d watched her with interest as she made her way to me, made her way to the chair opposite, sat down and fixed me with eyes that didn’t leave room for question.
“You don’t really have a ‘thing’ do you?”
“Uh… sure I do, an important thing.”
“Like avoiding Buffy?”
My silence said it all.
She sighed and settled herself back, it looked kind of rehearsed. “Faith… I know things are kind of ‘difficult’ between you two at the moment…”
Difficult? I could have thought of thousands of words that said it better.
“…and you know, with Buffy, things will probably stay that way… but I thought you were here for Dawn, I thought that’s the whole purpose of you being here?”
“You know it is.”
“Well Dawn really wants you to come. This is a big deal for her… going out, having a good time… and I think it’s important that you’re there, that she gets a little bit of that happiness that we’re all trying to find for her.”
That was so not fair. I WAS here for Dawn, but it didn’t mean that I could just ignore everything else. God knows I would if I could. I ran my eyes over her form, let them settle on the face that could only be described as resolute.
“You planned this didn’t ya?”
“What… the Bronze? Yeah of course… I promised Dawn if she beat you, and well, she did!”
“Not the Bronze… this. This little tag team steam rollering thing you got going with Dawn?”
I could see her cheeks flush even as she shook her head. “Nope, I mean… sure she mentioned asking you, and I think it’s a good idea, and she may have said that you might not be so keen… what with the uh… ‘aggro’ I think she called it, but we didn’t… tag team?”
“Sure ya did… I’m not stupid Red.”
I saw the little smile cross her lips, her amusement at my words. “Did it work?”
“What?”
“The tag teaming?”
Of course I laughed, congratulated them both on a great effort, but I still said no. Dropping by the house and pretending to smile at Buffy was ok, I could do that, she was kinda doing that… but seeing her out..? Pretending that I was part of the circle that she called friends..? I couldn’t do that. Was sure she wouldn’t appreciate that.
For a couple of days they left it. But I should have known. I didn’t realise that they would bring in reinforcements though. When the phone had rang I had assumed it was Dawn, no-one else had ever rung me, not outside of LA anyway;
“Hey Cutie… how did back to school go..?”
She has such a soft little laugh. I was learning to really like it. Was still kinda surprised to hear it then though.
“Hello Faith, college is fine thank you… and cutie? You’re not so bad yourself.”
“Tara?”
“Hey, how are you?”
“Erm… fine, I guess. Same old.” My mind was whizzing along, trying to think of possible reasons for her call. “What about you, is Dawn ok?”
“I’m good, Dawn’s not so good.”
“Shit, what has she done now. Do you need me to come over?”
Oh I am so slow. But I really didn’t see it coming, I was too busy worrying.
“No she doesn’t need that… what she needs is for you to come out with us tomorrow night…” Yes. That again. “… be a part of her life, show her that even your issues with Buffy won’t stop you from being there for her whenever she needs you.”
Issues with Buffy? Didn’t everyone get that this was more than issues?
“I am there for her Tara, you know that… but it’s not that simple. I don’t wanna ruin things for her… me being near Buffy leaves a whole lot of room for disaster. You were there the other night, I’m sure Red’s told you some of the history… me and B don’t mix so well, kinda like oil and water.”
Even her sighs were soft, it made me wonder if she was soft all over. I doubt Red would like me to find out though and I do want to be good this time.
“What if I said I had told Buffy that you were coming and she didn’t start screaming, would that make a difference?”
“It would make me wonder if B was feeling ok.”
“Faith.”
“What?” I didn’t know what she expected, wondered why she expected anything. “I know she hates me, she deserves to… I don’t need to pretend it’s different. It is what it is.”
“And if it could be different?”
I considered my answer. Like I said before, I don’t want hope. Don’t want to imagine a future that isn’t ever gonna happen. I can be happy with this life, I just need not to focus on what could make it perfect. What could make it better.
“You can’t change the past Tara, that can never be different… ‘things’ can never be different.”
“Please come Faith, I understand it’s hard, Willow HAS told me stories… of course I know what happened. You’re right you can’t change it, but neither can she… and Buffy made mistakes too, I’m sure even she can see that…”
I was doubtful.
“…but you CAN make the future different. Both of you can. It all comes down to whether it’s worth it, whether you’re prepared to take the chances.”
Shit this girl was good. I could feel myself believing her words. Wanting to believe them.
“You’re not one of those lifestyle guru’s are ya Tara?”
Soft laughter again, it made me want to see her smile. It also made me wish she had been here the first time round. She could have been my voice of reason, I sure as hell had needed one. And yeah Angel right… I wasn’t so keen on listening though when he was the one who had Buffy.
“No Faith, just a lowly student… and a friend.”
She was pressing my buttons left right and centre. A friend? I was roped in and reeled in. I would’ve done pretty much anything for her then.
“Ok… I’ll come, but if it’s full of aggro I’m leaving. I won’t stay if it causes trouble.”
“There won’t be any trouble. I guarantee it.” I silently wished she was right. “Do you want to meet us here, come by for dinner?”
“Uh… no, I’ll go slay, find my way there later. Thanks though.”
“No problem, I’ll see you tomorrow… yes?”
“Yes.”
And that was how I came to be here. Losing my sanity in front of a mirror.
It’s already past dark, well into slaying time, but I just can’t decide. I run my eyes up over leather again, up over curves I know so well, up to eyes that have seen so much. I hope I’ve got enough makeup on to cover what they feel. Hide what I can see shining so bright.
I just have to keep thinking about Dawn. And maybe just a little bit about the future, about what it could be. What I hoped it could be.
POV Tara.
If I close my eyes real tight I can block everyone out, the swaying bodies, the endless noise, everything except the feel of her body in my arms. The smooth touch of hands as they nestle at the base of my spine, the warmth of breath as it tickles the hairs on my neck. I can’t close my eyes though, there’s been too many closed eyes around here lately, too much of missing what was right in front of our faces.
I suppress a sigh as I pull myself back from her embrace, catch her eyes widen as if she’s worried that she’s been holding me too close, that this is all too soon for me. I smile my assurances at her, I love her so much that nothing could ever be too close. She has to know that. Regardless of everything, she has to remember how much I love her.
“Come on Willow, lets go sit for a while, keep Dawn and Buffy company.”
I see her look over to them, to her hands which still rest on my hips, and finally up to meet my eyes… a little regret plain to see. “We can dance again later though, right? Cos dancing’s good, with the holding and the swaying and the music and…”
“We can dance again later.”
It’s enough to get her smiling properly, the kind of smile I’ve learnt to miss.
When we got to the table Dawn was full of animation, yapping away at Buffy like a cute little puppy, practically chasing her own tail to get some attention. It would be cute if Buffy was paying her the attention, but she wasn’t. Her head was nodding, a smile fixed firmly to the corners of her mouth, but her eyes weren’t even close. They were scanning the crowd, crossing the dance floor, poking into every dark corner, anywhere but here.
“Hey Buff, what ya looking for? I thought Faith was the slay girl tonight… no vamps for you! It’s an order!”
“Huh… no, no vamps.” She turned herself back to us, eyes drinking us in, as close as we got these days to a real smile lighting up her face. “Never hurts to be vigilant though, be prepared, that’s my motto!”
“‘Money equals happiness’ that’s mine!”
We greeted Anya and Xander, made room on the sofa’s for them to get comfy. It was nice. But we were all waiting, it was obvious… Buffy’s weren’t the only eyes which reached into the corners looking for her. We all knew she was coming, all had different feelings on that.
I was pleased. I wanted her here. Dawn was a responsibility that we had all let ourselves get sidetracked from, had all abandoned in one way or another. But not Faith. Someone that no one would have expected to come through, wouldn’t have even thought about, had been the one who had made the vow to make things better. To put Dawn first.
It erased all the tales that I had heard about her, it was all that counted to me.
Willow was different. On the one hand she’s made tentative steps towards accepting that Faith could have changed, yet on the other I can still see her need to side with Buffy. To not make her feel that she has turned traitor. It’s difficult and I know she’s struggling. She does see it though, see that Faith could be the one to change things.
Her excitement the other day after the fight was comical;
“Did you see though Tara, did you see the way she was..? Did you see her eyes? Cos I don’t think I imagined it… I saw something. It was kinda pissed, but whoa it was intense… it was like ‘old Buffy’… like undead Buffy…”
She had stopped as if to catch her mind up to her words.
“…not undead, not like a vampire… but alive, like uh… like alive Buffy.”
“I saw it Will, and yes… it was intense.”
And it was. It wasn’t just the eyes though, it was the charge in the room. When they had been standing off against each other there was no where else to look. No where else I could have looked. They create such an energy between them, an immense overload of built up pent up energy. I guess it’s probably a slayer thing. I wonder if it’s anything more.
Xander hasn’t said much. I was there when Willow told him she was back, had seen the animosity as it crept to the surface, then disbelief as we tried to explain why she was here… and then bemusement at the fact that we had been ‘sucked in’;
“But this is Faith! Doesn’t anyone remember Faith? Tried to kill me, and you… did the little body swap deal with the Buffster? Tell me you remember Willow.”
“I… of course I remember, but I don’t know… she’s…”
“Insane?”
“No Anya! Well, I don’t think she is, she seemed kind of… nice?”
“It’s probably just a cover, she’s planning on getting close and then killing you all… it’s the classic Trojan horse strategy, quite efficient.”
“An honey, she did that already.”
“Well you definitely shouldn’t trust her then.”
“I don’t think she’s asking us to trust her…” I had had to speak up, I believed that she deserved the chance to repent. To make amends. “…I think that she just wants a chance. She wants to be there for Dawn, and if she can make things up to everyone while she’s here then great.”
“Well you can give her chances, I have a wedding to be alive for… and so does Xander!”
And that had been the sole debate on Xander’s views. He looks nervous now, and I understand that. Another story I had been told about… how Faith had used him and abused him, tried to strangle him when he offered to help. He’s a good man though and I trust that he will see her heart. Offer the chance she deserves.
What does Buffy feel? The easy answer would be nothing, but that wouldn’t be true. No matter how much we are all talking, how much we call her name to grab attention, her eyes keep leaving us. Keep that scanning thing happening, gaze always darting from doorways to floor. It was the widening of her eyes that let me know she was finally here. Making me twist in my chair to check my assumption.
And Goddess she is beautiful. Encased in leather that lives against her skin as if it belongs there, hair reaching up to pile atop her head, eyes painted dark to inspire mystery. It made me think something to hide behind. It let me know that she was nervous.
I rose to greet her with Dawn, smiled her a way into the crowd.
“Faith, it’s great to see you, how are you?”
She looked like she wanted to run and I couldn’t blame her. I had served some time as an outsider to this group, knew what it was like to only wish that you truly belonged. Dawn latched onto her arm as if she too sensed that she might flee.
“Hey Faith, I wondered if you were coming cos it got kinda late and you weren’t here…” She knitted her eyebrows and ran an enquiring gaze quickly over her form. “…but I guess you were slaying, and THAT outfit is TOTALLY cool for slaying… Buffy never wears anything like that…”
She flicked her attention quickly to her sister, I couldn’t help but follow her eyes, see the expression that sat firmly on Buffy’s face. It wasn’t amused.
“…but her clothes are cool too, right?”
“Uh… yeah, your sister's style has always been ‘cool’, totally.”
It was hard then not to compare them. I didn’t want to, I guessed that people trying to compare them had often been a problem, but Dawn’s words had me studying the two of them closely. Faith dressed in a way which screamed of danger and hidden secrets and Buffy in a way which would never be either. I could guess who Dawn thought was cooler.
I diverted any more open comparisons by leading her over to the sofas. Offering her a seat next to me, Dawn perching on the arm right next to her. It was safety in a way, she had an ally either side. It didn’t really balance the glares which were flying her way from the other side of the table, but I hope it helped. Offered her strength.
She looked so uncomfortable sitting there, the silence which had now fallen over us only adding to an atmosphere. Anya broke it, in the way she always finds to disturb a silence and speak the truth.
“She doesn’t look so scary.”
“She can hear you honey… and looks can be deceiving.”
“I know she can hear me, I don’t care, I said she doesn’t look scary so I’m not scared of her.”
“She isn’t scary, she’s really nice…” Dawn was there as ever to speak her cause. “…Faith, this is Anya… I don’t think you did anything to her, probably best not to mention the stallion thing though.”
I could see Faith colour, it was something I wouldn’t believed she could do if I wasn’t seeing it. It went so much against her costume for the evening. I liked it. It was cute. I didn’t have a clue what the thing was with stallions though, I thought Anya had an aversion to bunnies, not horses. Anya obviously didn’t have a clue either.
“Stallions..? Why can’t she mention stallions..? Are they Trojan stallions?”
“Oh no, just the two legged kind… go by the name of Xander!”
“DAWN!”
That was Buffy. Faith’s mouth was hanging open, I think mine was too… Willow looked mortified, Xander was… primping. Anya was speaking.
“What do you mean? What does that mean?”
“I hope it doesn’t mean anything!”
“Cool it B, all it means is that I think you’re really lucky Anya, Xander’s a real catch… I heard you’re getting married, I hope it all goes well for you.”
That was really clever. I don’t remember Willow telling me that she was really clever. Xander and Anya are staring into each others eyes, smiling lovers smiles and forgetting the tension of the proceeding minutes.
“Faith really likes weddings Anya, maybe you should tell her about it.”
I realise that Dawn is really clever too. She’s turned what could have been awkward into something less so. It’s nearly four down, the girl is a genius. You can see who doesn’t look too happy with the turn of events, but with Buffy’s levels of happiness lately it makes not a lot of difference. The conversation is flowing before I know it and it’s easy to sit back and observe, to share secret smiles with Willow as the world moves on around us.
In what seems like seconds the seating plan is shifting. They’re going to dance. Dawn and Faith and Xander and Anya. I see Willow get up, she asks me to dance with her eyes. I shake my head though, I want to try and talk to Buffy again. Take a moment to touch base. She doesn’t mind, she can have fun without me.
It’s a short while before either of us speaks, both of us lost in thoughts, perhaps ordering thoughts.
“So how are you? I haven’t had a chance to really speak to you since the other night… how are you holding up?”
“What with? Everything? Pretty crap… with Dawn..? God I’m trying.” I see her eyes flit to the dance floor, see the only thing they’re focusing on. “It’s hard though Tara… I want…” She stops speaking, her gaze again lost across the room. I turn to join it and still it’s the same. Faith is urging Dawn into dancing, poking at her sides to make her movements bumpy and irregular, causing laughter not only for her but for all of them.
“It’s okay Buffy, she won’t hurt her.” I guessed that she was worried, was scared that Dawn would get close to Faith and then Faith would be bad again. It was a valid worry as a sister, but it was good to see her worried at all.
“What?” Her eyes stayed locked, her word barely a whisper.
“I said it’s ok, I said she won’t hurt her.”
“It’s not Dawn I’m worried about her hurting.” I glanced at Willow, at the happy couple… I didn’t see who she could be worried about if not for Dawn.
“What do you mean? You think she’s gonna hurt all of them?”
She tore her eyes back to mine, looked at me confused. “All of them? What?”
I think we lost some sort of communication skills then. Both of us happy to sit and look confused. I decided to bring us back, to what I was starting to talk about before. I would think about the comment later, but I would work the comment out sooner.
“Is Dawn behaving better? Since the other night?”
“Better as in less slamming doors? Yes. Better as in not scowling at me every time I get home late? No.”
“Maybe you could stop the getting home late for a while, let Faith take the burden of the slaying…” It made sense. And I knew that Faith would be willing, we had already discussed it, it had been her suggestion. “…maybe if you were there more she would forget how to scowl.”
“I don’t know, I think it’s permanent.”
I looked again to the dance floor, she wasn’t scowling. She was smiling and laughing and dancing and having fun. It was like it used to be. Like it should be. “She’s not scowling now sweetie, is she?”
Buffy’s eyes glazed as she studied her, more tears which wanted out, tears I knew that she would fight to keep inside, would fight to keep from letting her pain be public. “Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m a defunct sister… perhaps you could adopt her, I think she likes you and Wills much better anyhow.”
I thought it best to remind her, the way I had to remind myself. “There isn’t technically a me and Wills at the moment Buffy…”
“But there will be, right? You guys are my beacon… my belief in something worth having.”
Willow was my beacon too. And definitely worth having. “I hope so Buffy, I really hope so.” And I did. I kind of knew it. I knew she was just waiting for my words, was ready to do what ever I said to make things better. That was the thing though, with how much I love her I’ve found that most things have just made themselves better. Just being near her again, touching her again, laughing with her again… I feel better.
“I hope so too. Really.”
I remembered suddenly the feeling I’d had the other night when Spike had come by. The feeling that there was more there than had met the eye. I’d mentioned it to Willow and she had looked at me horrified… said even the Buffybot had lost interest in Spike at the end, was no way that the real deal Buffy would ever go there. Not Spike. He was dead and evil. But I wasn’t so sure. I had seen what I saw. The way they interacted. I approached things slow, worked my way up to asking.
“And what about you..?”
“Me?”
“And love… is there anyone?” It was tempting to say anything. I was sidetracked though, because her eyes didn’t shut down, her face didn’t remain empty and passive. No. Her eyes followed exactly the same route they had been travelling ever since we had started talking. I knew who they would be resting on if I turned to see. And it made me think. Made me understand a little more. “Buffy..?”
“Oh… NO! No-one…” She put her eyes back on me and killed whatever flame had just been burning there. I wondered if she even knew it was there, if she was too wrapped up in the hating to understand for herself. “…I’m not really, you know… looking for someone at the moment, I guess maybe I’ll live a while first, get rid of the corpse smell before I look to share a bed.” I didn’t laugh and she looked apologetic. “Sorry, graveside humour… maybe you have to die to appreciate it.”
“Maybe.” I watched her sink back into the sofa and end the discussion before it’s begun. I still wanted to ask about Spike. A vibe is a vibe. This time I went with the blunt way in. “So how’s Spike doing? Isn’t he here tonight?”
“Spike? Why are you asking about Spike?”
“You spend a lot of time with him recently…” I mentally calculated in my head from what I knew from Dawn and Willow. “…in fact, I think you spend most of your time with him?”
“Well with the slaying… he’s efficient, he kills lots.”
“Because he’s evil?”
“Right. He’s evil. But it helps… having someone there.”
“For slaying?”
Our eyes met then. I could see everything she was suppressing. It hit me hard and it hurt. She tore her eyes away first, closed them on herself, almost as if she could take it away.
“Buffy?” She didn’t look up, didn’t open her eyes. Just spoke flat. A monotone.
“I know Tara… I know, ok.” And then I knew. For definite. I tried to keep my own tone even, to not betray what I felt.
“Do you… love him?”
“No. Absolutely not.”
“Then why?”
She sat herself back up. Opened her eyes now and fixed them on me. Such deep green, and such deep pain. “Because it hurts Tara… because it feels disgusting, and depraved and I hate myself every single time I let him touch me… but I…” And her eyes did start to weep, did cry the tears that so obviously wanted to be set free. I went to her, tried to shield her from the looks of people passing by, from her sister, her friends. I held her head to my shoulder, encouraged her to let it out. To free herself.
“Come on sweetie, you can tell me… I won’t judge you, this isn’t about judging you.”
“Oh god… I just, I can’t stop… when I’m with him, what I feel? It’s real Tara… it may make me want to curl up and die, make me despise everything I am… but for those minutes, those hours… it’s real. It hurts and it’s real and I feel it.”
I wanted to cry with her. For her. It’s like I said. Too much has happened lately whilst we all had our eyes closed. Too much has been allowed to happen unchecked. I knew she was unhappy, I knew that where we had taken her from was causing her pain… but did I know how unhappy? Did I have a clue how deep it ran? Not one.
I didn’t know what to say. What to do. If anything could be said. I just held her till she stopped, wiped the hair back from her face and kissed her forehead. “I’m here for you Buffy, you know that. If there’s anything I can do?”
“Don’t tell anyone..? Please?… I couldn’t bear it… couldn’t take them knowing what I’ve become. What I do.”
I didn’t like to think about the things they did. I could guess it wasn’t nice, guess it wasn’t candle light and flowers. I guessed it was doing more harm to Buffy than any good that feelings these emotions was ever going to do for her. “Shhh I promise. I won’t say anything.”
“Thank you… and thank you for listening. For not judging me.”
“I’m in no place to judge the unconventional Buffy… you know that.” I wiggled my eyebrows and made her smile a bit. Traced my fingers under her eyes to wipe at the mascara trail she had left there.
“I guess I’m a mess right?”
“Nothing a little TLC can’t cure.”
“I meant my eyes.”
I looked her straight in them, offered her understanding. “And I meant everything.”
“Buffy..? Are you okay?” I hadn’t heard Dawn approaching, looked up and noticed her frown.
“Hey, none of that… I saw all that laughing on the dance floor, you have to have saved some for me.”
“Oh… the dance floor, that’s why I’m here.” She pointed back towards the others. “That boy is back, Andrew? I think he’s crushing on Willow, he won’t stop staring at her… I thought you should know.”
I laughed as I noticed who she meant. Willow had told me all about her new follower. She thought he was funny, a little geeky… she said he reminded her a little of the Xander of old. Bumbling nervousness. I could see it from here, the way he was looking at her, trying to talk, tripping over his words. It was cute.
“I think I’m safe thanks Dawnie, but you tell her I’m watching her… that I expect that dance any minute now.” She skipped off without a second thought. I turned back to Buffy. “Are you ok now, if I go and dance?”
“Of course I’ll be ok, I’m a big bad slayer!”
More like a little sad Buffy. “Even slayers can fall apart.”
I left her to ponder that. Went to protect Willow from the lure of the boys. Slipped myself in close and let her admirer know that she was already loved. Reminded her that she was loved. It seemed important at that moment. After talking to Buffy I just wanted Willow to know how much I needed her. Would always need her.
She slipped around to face me, looked into my eyes and melted my heart all over again. I could see the sparkle, the longing. I was sure I had it all mirrored.
“I love you Tara.”
“I know you do baby, and I love you.”
It was all it took to forget, to make me close my eyes on the world and lose myself in a kiss I had been dreaming of for weeks. A kiss better.
It was soft and it was sweet and it was tempting and desirable. I sighed as her lips slowly nibbled their way along my bottom one, pushed my tongue forward that last step as it gently met with hers. Just for that second the whole world was perfect. How it should be.
As my eyes opened again it was only love I saw. My love. It was only Dawn I heard though. “Oh wow! Are you two back with the kissing? I love you two kissing… it is SO sweet!”
“No way Dawn… that wasn’t sweet, that was hot! Wicked hot!” I had to chuckle, it was the expression on her face, devilish grin with a side dish of horny.
“Glad you enjoyed it.” I leant forward and kissed my girl again, made the most of my audience. Sometimes I was shy, Willow made me brave. “But now it’s over.”
“All good things.” She quickly ran her eyes around, made to whisper. “At least it shut Anya up for five seconds… does she ever stop talking about weddings, and wedding nights?”
More laughter. I really did like her. “Not really, sometimes eviscerations… not so much lately though.”
“Strange chick… Cordy is gonna die!”
I wondered who was Cordy. Hoped she wouldn’t die.
“Cordy? Is she… coming here?”
“Sure is Red, couple of days… be like old times, only less killing and shit.”
I could feel her arms tighten slightly around me. “I don’t know Faith, I think you’re all repenty girl, but then you tell me that… makes me wonder if you’re still kinda evil!”
“Hey, Cordy’s cool… she’s a little…”
“Bitchy?”
“Honest.”
“Xander’s gonna freak… oh god and Anya, she’ll probably cancel the wedding!”
“Hey calm down, it’s not so bad… she’s not so bad. Ya just have to learn when to duck and cover.” She smiled a lot, winked at us and walked away. I let Willow bring me up to speed on who we were talking about. I remembered mention of her before, that she was kind of mean. But then Faith has a reputation to live down and she is just a dream. Maybe this Cordy will be fine too.
We all left the Bronze together, even Andrew still clinging desperately to the fringe of the group. We didn’t arrange to all go back to Buffy’s. It just happened that way. Not even a mention of who should and shouldn’t be allowed to share the same space.
I kept my eyes open and on everyone. There was so much to see. But mostly I kept them on Willow. I realised tonight how bad life could be if you didn’t hang on to the things which made it better. The things which you loved.
POV Faith.
Back in front of the mirror. Eyeing up the end to an evening which didn’t spell an end. My hand raises unbidden to the glass, to the reflection that looks back at me smug and sure, as if it knows more than I do. But it can’t. Because it’s still only me and I don’t know anything.
It’s cold when I make contact, as if it should be cold, as if it can chill the fire that I can’t stop from raging inside. What would it take to smash it? To rain down shards of glass and break all that I am?
Not much. A touch. A heavy caress. Skin against skin. Her.
She thinks she’s hiding, thinks that those barriers she’s got all set in place are gonna stop me from seeing, from knowing, from feeling. But nothing can stop me from that. Because I do see. I did see. All laid out as pretty as a picture.
Of course I knew she was watching me. She didn’t stop watching me, her eyes honing in on me as soon as I had stoked up enough courage to step foot through the doors. My heart beating louder than the thump of the base. Nerves have got nothing on what I’ve got for her. A superb fucking twist of fate. Maybe loving her is my penance. My real hell on earth.
It’s like every time I’m walking towards her it feels like I’m stepping head first into my destiny. Oh god! How fucked up does that sound??
Words can’t catch it though. DON’T catch it. She makes me want to scream. She makes me want to die. She makes me want to live. She makes me want. Everything and nothing. If I span round and around as fast as I could and didn’t ever stop, it still wouldn’t come close to how it feels being with her. The disorientation. The dizzyness. The sickness.
I kept my back to her when I was dancing with Dawn. It shields some of it, stops some of it from laying so naked in my eyes the way I want to lay naked…
No.
But when Dawn went to her, went to tell Tara tales of the boys, then I looked. Then I allowed a second of respite for my gaze which had been fighting to find her all night.
It hurts. It hurts that she hurts.
That’s not the fuck up though, the fuck up is that a little bit of me wanted the hurt to be for me, because of me. I want to touch her in a way that means that much to her. Crazy right?
Yes.
And I know it. Ask me if I believe I can take the pain away and then it gets even crazier. It does feels like my destiny and ain’t that just bullshit. I can’t believe that a little piece of me still has the gall to think I could ever be something more than nothing to her. The one that kisses it better.
I trace again reflection of lips. Lips that have touched her skin in kisses not made for healing. Kisses made to taunt, to push, to demand more. I could hate those lips of mine.
I saw a kiss tonight that left me breathless. Not with want and desire, not with horniness and lust. Breathless because it was real. What a kiss should be like. Smiles and satisfaction. Love.
It made me look for her again. Made me chuckle my exit away from the crowd of happy people and back to the glare of one who hates me. Praying for a sign that I could come a little closer, edge a little nearer.
She was watching with unseeing eyes, had drawn her knees up under her chin, her feet resting on the edge of the sofa, pulling me towards the edge of reason. Towards her. I didn’t sit, didn’t look to find comfort next to her, with her… I just stood before her. What more can I do? What more can I offer other than what I am now?
She didn’t focus when she spoke, made me wonder if she knew it was me she was talking to. If I was a convenient body, something to allow her words to escape. It didn’t matter. Of course it didn’t. It just mattered that my ears were hearing her, my eyes seeing her.
“Sometimes I watch them… all of them, my family, my friends… I watch them playing, laughing, trying to get on with it, making the most of it… and do you know?”
I followed her gaze to the dance floor, to the witches wrapped in arms safe, to Dawn and Anya making fun of Xander. “Know what B?”
“All I can feel is jealous, envious…” She chuckled at herself but there wasn’t any joy in it. “…I feel angry, I want to take all of them and make them feel for one minute what it’s like… looking at them, knowing it’s them who did this to me…”
Her eyes flicked to mine and they looked so guilty. Ashamed.
“…I died for them. Gave everything up for them… and now I can’t hardly bear to even be near them.”
I moved my body round, moved until it was only me she could see in front of her, couldn’t let her glance slip around me and back to them. Let myself be the only thing she could direct her feelings at. It made her stop, made her eyebrows scrunch as she showed me confusion. I didn’t know… what I was doing, what I thought.
“It’s tough.”
“It’s tough..? Is that the best you’ve got Faith? I thought you were here to help..? I thought you said you could help?”
“I said I could help Dawn.”
She smiled a little and I figured she was considering that, maybe accepting it. “I think you’re right… I think you can help her.”
Freeze frame. Stop. Rewind. Play.
“I think you’re right… I think you can help her.”
Freeze frame. Stop. Rewind. Play.
In the second it takes to draw a breath I had dissected every sound, every expression, every word. Over and over. SHE thought I was right? She was giving ME validation. I didn’t have a reply. I wanted more from her. Craved it even.
“Don’t look so shocked Faith…” At least I didn’t look obvious. “…you may think I hate you, despise you…”
And the rest.
“…but…”
What?
“…I don’t…”
Please stop there. Please?
“…have the energy anymore…I don’t care anymore. I can’t even remember how it felt, all the things you did… we did, I don’t remember how to care. I don’t feel anything.”
I run my fingers up from the reflection of my lips to the reflection of tears. My tears. Sometimes I think I don’t have any. Other times I think that they won’t ever stop.
How do I take that? Those words? I’d seen so many things burn in her eyes the last few days, so many hate filled glances that let me know that I was still in there. And now what? Now she was telling me she didn’t hate me because she couldn’t be bothered?
At the moment when she said it I didn’t know whether to fall to my knees and weep out my gratitude, or fall to her knees and punch her fucking face in. I did neither. I did what she’s been doing. Hid my feelings. Hid my self.
It made me glad I had gone in costume. Glad that I had protection with me.
I could feel as my eyes began to sting with the things they were forced to hide, could feel as my body tensed itself the way she makes me tense, everything I want, everything so close… yet further away than ever.
She kept her eyes trained on me, kept them digging through levels looking for my answer. Well I didn’t have an answer. I couldn’t be bothered, right?
For a second it did show, just a slip, one breath hitched in throat, one sigh sagging my shoulders, one moment to let myself feel everything and then back to nothing. Back to her.
“Sweet B… nothing’s better than hate right?”
I knew the truth though. Nothing hurts worse than nothing. I want to think she knows it too. I want to think that she lies when she whispers them words to me. I want her to always remember. I want her to stop hating me because she sees me now. I want forgiveness from her. I want her to make me better. I want so much I ain’t ever getting.
Maybe it wasn’t the answer she wanted because she didn’t smile, didn’t shake my hand and bury the past beneath piles of bullshit.
“Can’t we just settle for ‘nothing’s better’?”
I settled for going to the bathroom, hiding away in a stall in the corner, giving a minutes relief to camouflage that was fighting to stay in place. When I heard the door go not minutes later I had the fucked up mentality to dream that it might be her, that she would follow me to make it right… to tell me it was all lies. That she hated me now more than ever. Anything.
The tapping on my door put paid to those thoughts, B would never be a soft tapper, she was always a pounder,
“Faith?”
“Just a second Dawn… what’s up?”
“Oh, nothing’s up… we’re just heading out, going back to mine. Are you coming with us?”
As plans go it wasn’t a good one.
“Thanks kid but no, I got things to do.” I left out gallons to drink. She thought I was a hero, I didn’t wanna dispel the myth just yet. I gasped the air back into my lungs and swung the door open, stood face to face with the reason I was supposed to be here.
“Are you ok? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong Dawn, just beat. Slayer aches and pains, nothing new.”
“Well then you HAVE to come back! Wills and Tara made this stuff for Buffy ages ago which helps with the healing… where does it hurt?”
Would it have been too corny to motion to my chest, my heart? It would have been the truth.
“It’s non specific… it just hurts.”
She looked at me confused, grabbed onto my arm and dragged me along with the rest of them. Slipping me in amongst the crowd as if I belonged there. I didn’t though, I was just pretending. Making smiles where none existed.
I sat on the edge of my seat when we got to the house, filling voids with laughter, all of it a lie. I just wanted out. Wanted to run and not come back.
When I picked up the balls to remove myself I bade a farewell to those who were listening, gazed wistfully at those who weren’t. Tara followed me out, stopped me on the porch with questions of her own.
“Faith?”
I didn’t want to turn, my defences were cracking left right and centre and I just wanted away. I stopped though. I owed her that.
“What’s wrong? What’s happened?”
There was a story I didn’t want to begin. “I’m cool Tara, flying high… I just gotta split, things to do.”
She snuck up on me and found a hug, I never would have let her if I’d known. If I knew how good it felt to be cared for. For someone to want to share my pain. I longed for Angel, settled for this one. Let arms hold me close for just a second of release.
When I pulled myself back she was looking at me like she knew. Like she understood everything. When she spoke I was sure that she did.
“Give it time Faith, give her time… she’s hurting, we’re all hurting.” Yet more truth.
And then she said the strangest thing, a hint of a healing smile gracing her lips. Words that leave me here, leave me lost and confused.
“She feels it though. She doesn’t know it… but she feels it.”
I didn’t ask for elaboration, didn’t have anything left to form the words. I left. Couldn’t take understanding eyes no more, so I walked away. Didn’t stop till I got here. Till I found the reflection of all that I’m feeling.
I let my hand fall away from the mirror, sneer at the mascara that stains my face, my defences dropping away, my camouflage shot to shit. Nothing hurts as bad as this. No wait. Nothing doesn’t hurt this bad. Only love hurts like this.
I let my fist travel to the destination it’s been seeking ever since I’ve been standing here. Let it feel the pain as the mirror yields under its force. Let my eyes bear witness as I violently fall to pieces. Shards of glass. It’s what I feel like.
She feels it.
She feels nothing.
I slip to the floor and know I can’t sink any lower. I can’t do it anymore. Can’t be strong, mature, all the things that Angel tells me I am.
All I want is to go home. To remember again how good distance feels.
I drag myself up and carry the weariness through to the bedroom. The soft toy still sits there. Mocking me with its innocence. I want that innocence so bad. It’s enough to make me fall to the bed, to enclose it in my arms and cling tight to hope, to dreams… to the belief in my own words. Things will be better. I promise.
Andrew tapped the secret knock onto the door of the basement and awaited entry. It was late and he was tired but Warren would not be happy if he didn’t report back his latest findings.
It surprised him how easy it had been to gain entry into the lives of these people, they were just so… accepting, like they were used to the odd waif and stray hanging around the place. He wouldn’t tell Warren but he kind of liked being there. It was fun, and they had cookies, and ice cream… and no one called him names. Well other than the dark haired one… but she was always calling people different names.
Willow was easy to watch. She was kind and funny and didn’t seem to mind when he talked endlessly about geek things. Which he did. A lot.
No. He wouldn’t tell Warren. But he did kind of like her.
The door swung open and Johnathan was there, looking brow beaten and worn. “Andrew… finally! Warren’s been waiting for you, he uh…” The boy looked back behind him, checked if he was being listened to. “…he isn’t very happy. You’ve been gone for ages.”
“They have cookies!”
“ANDREW!”
The volume and anger of the yell made him tremble as he descended the steps down into the lair, Warren always made him nervous, made his insides twist themselves into the tightest of knots. He made his way before him and waited for the verbal bashing.
“You’re late… why are you late?”
“I… uh… I was watching, and observing…”
“What did you find out?”
He took a moment to think. He hadn’t really found out much, didn’t know if Willow could be made to do what they wanted her to do… she seemed too nice. Too good to do bad.
“Erm… I…”
“Stop bumbling you fool, tell me about the witch… how strong is she?”
She didn’t look strong. “I didn’t see her do anything ‘strong’… she was just dancing and talking, she talks a lot, and her dancing is kind of individual with a style of her own…”
“Do you think I want a lesson on her dance technique?”
“No… she researches?”
Warren shook his head at him, all the disdain plain to see. He couldn’t wait until it happened, until he became all powerful. He wouldn’t waste his time with these fools then, he wouldn’t need to. Wouldn’t need anything except the power.
“What does she research?”
“Mostly books, she has a computer as well… Apple Mac, orange trim…”
He felt the slap to the head before he saw it. It didn’t hurt so much as prickle him.
“I meant what does she research you idiot, not where!”
“Sorry… she didn’t say what, I just saw her doing it.”
“So you’ve been gone all night and you haven’t anything for me?”
He wracked his brain, tried to think of anything to placate Warren, it was hard when he was in this kind of mood. Evil emperor with a manic stare. “Her and her girlfriend are kind of back together!”
“That’s it?”
“She bakes cookies.”
Warren distanced himself from the boy in front of him, he didn’t want to kill him. Not yet… but sometimes he made him so mad. Was everyone this stupid?
“So she has a computer and a cookie making girlfriend… ETA on world domination then..? Oh I know… NEVER!” He screamed the last word, making both Johnathan and Andrew quiver in their boots. “This is supposed to be an intelligence operation! I should have known you couldn’t handle intelligent!”
“Well I didn’t want to do it… I SAID I didn’t want to do it.”
“Shut up Andrew.” He collected his thoughts for a moment, wondered at spiking the cookies, maybe mind control drugs… or perhaps the girlfriend was the way in, a weakness. “What’s the girlfriend like?”
“Tara? Oh she’s really nice, a little overt with the public displays of affection, but really nice.”
“A soft target?”
“Target…” For some reason Andrew didn’t like the sound of that, he knew he was supposed to be evil, but Tara WAS nice. “…target for what?”
“It doesn’t matter… I’ll think on it, formulate a plan that even you can comprehend.” He turned his attention back to Johnathan, smiled a smile that did nothing to reassure. “Are you ready to try again..? Maybe your first grade magic will work this time?”
“I um… I can try.” The smaller boy walked again over to magic charms and spells he had assembled on the floor. He knew he wasn’t powerful enough, couldn’t make channels between dimensions, couldn’t deliver Warren what he wanted, what he needed… but he would try. He had no choice.
He uttered the words with confidence he didn’t possess, tried to make it show that he was trying his hardest, concentrated with everything he had…
The bowl in the middle of his magic circle began to shake, the air turning pungent as smoke slowly started rising up and into the ether… he could feel it coming close, feel the evil wrapping itself around him, looking for an entrance… a vessel, an escape into existence.
“I uh… I think it’s working…”
Warren was by his side in seconds, letting the smoke pour itself out and on to him. He could feel it, feel it calling to him, letting him know it was waiting. Evil was waiting to do his bidding. Just as he was waiting to serve evil. The connection was growing stronger, the air crackling with intensity, the sound of deep screams and torture blending itself with the smoke. He let crazed excitement show itself on his face, this was the moment he had been waiting for… been destined for… his first feel of all that he would become.
As he allowed himself to be carried away by the dwellings of his twisted mind, Andrew was watching in fear. He hadn’t seen Warren look quite like THAT before. He looked… crazy. It scared him. He could feel the power also and that called to him… but it was still very scary. He tried to sink himself into the walls. Didn’t want the smoke to touch him. He didn’t trust it to touch him.
The explosion shocked them all. What was one minute a small amount of smoke very quickly became a basement full of smoke. It made Warren scream again. Made him angry again.
“WHAT HAPPENED!!!”
Johnathan looked down at the bowl which had split itself in two, at the black liquid that was pouring forth from the cracks and debris. He jumped up, didn’t want it to touch him. It all felt so much… so much more than what he had expected.
“I don’t know… it was fine, and then it was too much…”
“Useless!” Warren fell to his knees amongst the mess and looked longingly at what had almost been made to work. He could still sense it, in the liquid, in the air. He leant forwards, ran his fingers through the stuff, up to his eyes, painting his face. Marking himself. It felt like the right thing to do. What he was meant to do.
When he turned to speak again he noticed the horror on his followers features. As if they were cowering back from him, scared of him. It charged him, made him feel strong.
“Your… your eyes… they…”
But Andrew couldn’t describe it. It was as if the stuff from the floor had seeped through Warren’s skin, slipped to the very inside of him. It was there in his eyes, just blackness, a void… an intense pit of evil into which they would all fall.
When Warren spoke again his voice sounded different. More. It resonated from somewhere, perhaps the evil pit. “My eyes are fine… I can see, see what it will be, what I will be…” He stretched his arms out, flexed his muscles as if for the first time. His mind was working faster, more precise… showing him the way, leading him. “Tara.”
“What..?” Andrew's voice was barely a whisper.
“Tell me more about Tara.”
POV Faith.
Morning came so quick. One minute I was trying to drown myself in sleep, to avoid thinking and feeling, the next my dreams were chasing me from the night, opening my eyes up on sun shining through blinds. It made me moan, made me groan. I didn’t feel rested. I felt fucked.
My hand was pretty messy from last night, I didn’t bother to clean it, to pull the glass from the cuts and scrapes. I welcomed the pain, invited it in. Some of the wounds had started to heal over, imbedding the glass into skin, letting me know it would be a bitch of a job to sort out. I didn’t care.
Did I mention I’m sick of this shit?
I take myself to the kitchen, grab a glass and a bottle and make for the table. I sit and I look and I’m so fucking tempted. Tempted to wash it all away with the taste of whisky, the quenching of my aching thirst. I unscrew the cap slowly, it’s like a ritual… those few seconds before the burn. I know that drowning the pain doesn’t make it go away, but it helps. It numbs.
I’m just pouring when the knocking starts. I don’t listen, I keep pouring. I don’t need company, this here is all I need right now. All I want. I raise it up to my lips and let my slayer senses unravel the layers of smell, let my tongue touch liquid, head back, throat burning. Salvation.
Doesn’t stop the knocking though. And I’m so tired of being needed.
I get up and walk the way to the door, hissing a breath as my feet step through the glass that lays broken on the floor. More pain. More same. I don’t care.
I’m prepared for everyone, it doesn’t make a difference. It could be Dawn, Tara… hell it could be her, but it doesn’t matter. They’re getting the quickest of good byes and then they can fuck off. Today I won’t be entertaining. Today I just want me time. Call me selfish, I don’t give a fuck.
I swing back the door, glare attached to face. And again I’m shocked. I didn’t expect her. I guess I can still be surprised. She spoke first, but then she was expecting me.
“You look like shit… what the hell happened, I let you outta my sight for five minutes and you turn into a…” She ran her eyes down and over, shaking her head all the way. “…actually I don’t think I have the words.”
“Hi Cordy… great to see you.”
I stepped back and let her in, saw her glance at the wreckage that adorned the passage floor, followed her through to the kitchen and watched her expression as it settled on my liquid companion.
“So we’re drinking before breakfast again..?” Her eyes looked worried even though her tone was admonishing. “I thought you stopped that, you told us you had stopped that.”
What could I say. Things change.
“It’s not before breakfast, it IS breakfast… I wasn’t hungry.”
She pulled a chair out, motioned for me to take a seat. Why not? The glass in my feet was starting to hurt like a bitch. I needed a seat and a damn sight more whisky. I reached for the bottle, she got there first.
“Don’t fuck about Cordy, I want that.”
“I’m not worried about the wanting, I’m worried about the needing.” She let her fingers take hold of my hand, turned it over in hers, inspected the damage done. “I guess I don’t need to ask what happened to the mirror?”
“It was asking for it.”
“Mirrors do that?”
“This one did.”
She didn’t ask for more, she made a couple of cooing noises as she saw the extent of the mess I had made. “Where’s the first aid kit?”
I pointed again to the bottle. It all made sense to me.
“I’ll make you a deal, you let me sort out that hand and I’ll let you have a drink.” I had told Dawn that Cordy likes to get bossy. I might have played it down a bit.
I got up and hobbled to the cupboard by the sink, pulled out the box that I took everywhere, all things I needed on regular occasions. Placed it before her on the table.
“What’s wrong with your foot?”
“Same as the hand, issues with glass.”
“You want to tell me what’s been going on?”
That made me smile. Possibly in a crazy way. “What’s been going on? Fucked if I know… it’s all bullshit. I’m sick of it.”
She narrowed her eyes, did that peering in thing. “Is it Dawn… I thought you and her were hitting it off?”
“Not Dawn.”
I let the silence speak her name, I knew it would, it always spoke her name to me.
“Buffy?”
Ding dong. Give the girl a prize. “The one and only.”
She took the tweezers from the box, a couple of the bandages. “Angel was worried this might happen.”
“Angel worries about everything… I thought you knew that.”
“Granted, but he was more worried about this.” She smiled to make it easier, took my hand and leant over.
I fucking screamed!!
“Jesus Cordy… you’re meant to be helping…” I grabbed the bottle up from the table, swigged a mouthful or two. “…fuck that hurt!”
“Stop complaining! What are you? A slayer or a baby?”
I grabbed my hand back from her, inspected any damage done. Blood was flowing freely again, the tweezers pulling out glass but re-opening the cuts. Made me wish I hadn’t left it last night. I took a breath, remembered who I was.
“I’ll be your slayer, baby.” And hell yeah I winked. Cordy was a hottie and she damn well knew it. She liked me to show appreciation sometimes. It made her smile.
She did smile, and she laughed and she motioned to the state I was in. “Rain check?”
“I’ll add it to the collection.”
She went slower as she worked at the rest of the cuts, lifted my foot to her lap and gently prised away all the glass there as well. She was quiet whilst she worked and I appreciated it. I wanted to order my thoughts before I spilled them. I knew she would want me to.
“I think that’s it, all done.” She took the rubbish to the trashcan, my glass to the sink. I still had the bottle though, who needed the glass? “Are you gonna hand that over or do I have to wrestle you for it?”
My grip tightened, it would be a fight. “You think you can take me?”
She rolled her eyes, walked over and slipped it from my grasp. I guess that was a yes.
“Come on, I’ll make breakfast… what do you want?”
“Not hungry.”
That stopped her. Made her look. “Okay… now I’m SURE something’s really wrong. You’re not hungry?”
I shook my head. I really wasn’t.
“Straight to the talking then?”
“Maybe some toast?” My appetite was back, what a surprise.
She banged about the cupboards looking for bread, could find only a box of pop tarts. “Will these do?”
“Whatever.”
I watched as she got some plates. Made the tarts. Placed them down. Carried them over. Looked after me. I was SO fucking glad she was here. Sooner than I expected as well. Maybe just in time. I wanted to ask.
“How comes you’re here already? Angel said a couple more days.”
She set the plates down, sat herself down. “It was gonna be, but I don’t know… I had this feeling that you needed me sooner…”
“You had a vision about me?” That would be cool, I always wanted to be in one of her visions. I thought it might spell out my destiny for me if I was.
“No you dork! I just know what Sunnydale can do to the system… to your system.”
“No visions then?”
“Sorry, still not a one… you will be the first to know though, ok?”
I settled for that. I know the PTB can’t run around fulfilling wishes, but I would so like a heads up on what I’m doing, where I’m going. Anything.
“Thanks for coming, now… I missed you guys.”
“Are you about to get emotional? You know I love emotional Faith.”
I slipped beneath her sarcasm, I know it didn’t mean anything. It was one of her defences, we all had something. “You love me?”
I saw her reply about to shoot from her mouth, saw her lips curving up in that cutting grin that is all hers, and then I see her stop. I see her as she sees me. As her words change. “Hey… of course I love you, we all love you.”
I didn’t mean to start again. Didn’t mean to let one tear slip, two tears slip. She came around the table, tucked my hair behind my ear, wiped at my distress.
“What the hell have they done to you?”
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know if I could explain it to her. Angel knew. Of course he knew. Had always known.
“Nothing… they haven’t done anything.”
“It’s ‘her’ isn’t it..? It’s always her.” I knew that Cordy wasn’t a fan of Buffy’s. I didn’t know if that made it better or worse. I wanted someone on my side, but it didn’t mean I wanted someone against Buffy.
“It’s just screwed up, she hasn’t done anything… I just…”
“You do know she’s way too skinny right? And she’s not a natural blonde… I KNOW highlights when I see them!”
“Huh?” Highlights? Did I miss something?
“Doesn’t matter… I forgot how enamoured everyone always is with Buffy, hoped that maybe that might have faded. I’ve never understood it.”
“I don’t understand it Cordy… it just is, it always has been.”
She rolled her eyes heavenwards. “That is SO tragic.”
I laughed a little. It did sound kind of dramatic. Even to me. “As opposed to your little ‘thing’ with the big guy, right?”
I could play Cordy at her own game, I loved playing Cordy at her own game. She’d never play mine so I’d had to settle, had learnt.
“No thing! There is no thing!”
Now I really laughed. “Moony glances… wistful sighs… thumping hearts…” Nope, that was wrong. “…thumping HEART… stop me if I’m missing something?”
“You’ll be missing something if you carry on.” She narrowed her eyes, it was scary if you didn’t know her. Kinda sexy if ya did.
“You know I’m gonna take you for a tumble if you keep offering!”
“In your dreams slayer!”
I admit… maybe… once or twice. I can’t help my thoughts though, she is damn fine. I gave her a wink, lifted myself from the chair. I felt like shit, wanted a shower. This day was looking up. Fuck it… everything was looking up.
I hobbled my way from the room, the limp not disguising a spring in my step that I thought I had lost. I went back to my room, tore of my clothes. Stood naked before the mirror there.
Just me. No costumes. No camouflage. Just me.
I smiled a little smile at the me in the mirror. I had believed my words and they had come true… things already were better. So much better. I remembered then that believing in myself was the way to go. Angel believed in me. Cordy believed in me… there were even some people here who had found it easy to believe in me.
And If SHE couldn’t? Well… I can’t change that. But I CAN stop it from breaking me.
I’m more than what she defines me as. I know that. I’m not nothing. I’m Faith.
I grab a towel and leave the room, head to the bathroom. I can’t resist poking my nose in on Cordy first though, giving her a little show, a little bit of slayer booty. “Hey, I’m taking a shower… you wanna wash my back?”
It didn’t shock her, didn’t make her blush. It never does. She’s way too cool for that. She ran her eyes across the flesh that I was proudly putting on display, let her eyebrows arch in a question. “Do you treat all your visitors like this?”
“Only the hot ones… you fancy it?”
She stood herself up, walked ever so slowly towards me, fixed her eyes onto mine, let lust burn through.
Boy I was sweating!
She leant up and whispered in my ear. “Where’s the television? I’ve got some infomercials that need watching!”
I laughed, she slapped my ass. Cordelia Chase. My fucking hero.
POV Faith.
Sunnydale is starting to feel a damn site more sunny these last few days. It’s amazing what a friend can do. Having Cordy here has levelled me, I don’t feel so ready to slip over the edge anymore. I feel stable. I feel like I can do what I set out to do and nothing else matters. I can go home, this can be over.
I laid it all out for her, she gave me no choice, she pestered on and on until I was ready to give up the secrets I had already let fester since being back here. The way that Buffy was making me feel, the intensity of being so close to her again, the intensity of being so far away from her. It’s all there. All the time. She listened, and she spoke and she gave me back some reason.
There’s a reason that it’s never worked out, she said. Didn’t dismiss it and say it never would, but forced me to accept that I couldn’t set a pace on it… whatever I do doesn’t matter. I can’t make her feel something if she isn’t ready to feel.
My own words to Dawn given straight back to me.
I had to listen. And it does feel better. Remembering that my life doesn’t revolve around B. That I can be happy without her. These were all things I had been allowing myself to forget. She was making me remember.
Today’s all about the fun times. It’s about me and Cordy meeting Dawn and Tara for coffee. Excellent right? My three favourite people at the moment and a nice dash of caffeine. I can think of worse ways to spend an afternoon. Red is a studying no show and B wasn’t invited. I think she has work anyway.
I spot them first but I guess it’s cos I’m looking. Crossing the road without a worry between them. I wonder if they know how care free they look, how happy? It makes me greet them with a smile and even hugs. Arms for Tara and then arms for Dawn. We make easy speak, hello’s and how are you’s. I stand back and reintroduce Cordy… to Dawn as a memory, and to Tara for the first time.
I see Tara run eyes over her, see the little glint, know that she sees what I see. A damn fine chick and no doubt about it. There’s no sign of shyness as she reaches out her hand.
“Hi, I’m Tara. It’s really good to meet you. Willow’s told me lots about you.”
“Really? I bet that’s all good then, hopefully I can change your mind over coffee?”
I laughed, she grinned, Dawn sought out the attention. “Cordy… remember me?”
She stood there tall and proud and I could see the way she was hoping that she would be found favourable. Now Cordy can be many things, the biggest bitch outside of Juvie… but she has a whole lot of qualities she doesn’t get credit for. Fucking nice is one of them. She’s it, and she worked it on Dawn right then. Went up to her and walked around her, exclaiming the whole damn time.
“No way… it can’t be… Faith, you never told me she was THIS beautiful…” She made a show of primping at her hair, holding out her arms. “…seriously, you’re little Dawn Summers, sister of Buffy?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Well… I can certainly see where all the looks got going to! Slay girl may have got the strength, but girl you got the beauty!”
Man, she was blushing. All teenage embarrassment at the compliments being fed her way. It was great. Full marks to my hero of the hour. “She does have a little something, don’t she Cor?”
She nodded her assent. “Damn right she does.” She stepped back and looked again, her brow slightly furrowing. I knew the look, the ‘I have a plan’ look. “There’s something not quite right though… it’s the clothes, they’re so… Buffy!”
Hmmm. I could see Dawn’s look of horror, I stifled a laugh. “Don’t worry Dawn, she’s messing… you look great!”
Tara waded in and added her own support, but there was no deflecting Cordy. “No! Please Faith… you may know bad ass, but I KNOW fashion… and this kid is dying here.” She opened her purse and pulled out her wallet, rummaged around until she came up with the goods. “This is what we need!”
I peered closer, saw the company credit card. “Soul dude know you got that?”
“Angel is aware, he understands a girl's needs…”
“I bet…”
“Faith!” She left it there, handed the card to Dawn. “What do you say? Me and you and a little retail therapy?”
Her eyes fucking lit up so damn much! Makes me wish I had thought of it. She turned to Tara. “Can I… please?”
“I don’t know… Buffy didn’t say anything…”
“Oh come on Tar, Cordy’s cool… not an evil bone in her body, she’ll look after her. I promise.”
I could see her thinking, looking at Cordy considering the option. Dawn was still pleading with the eyes and I guess it was a foregone deal. “Okay, but not for too long, and not too much… no advantage taking of nice friends and their plastic.”
“Thank you!” She gripped her arms around Tara’s neck and proceeded to down the rest of her coffee. Had to still be hot, made me think that shopping wasn’t a trip often ventured on.
Cordy caught up quick and soon they were ready to go. I felt a little nervous letting them out of my sight, I trusted Cordy but I didn’t trust Sunnydale. “Be careful guys. And not too long…”
“Save it Faith, us girls are all grown up, we can look after ourselves…” She grabbed Dawn’s hand and turned to leave. “…enjoy your coffee!”
Right. Me and Tara alone for coffee. Bet ya can guess where my mind wouldn’t stop straying. The words. Her words. Over and over again and again. I had teased myself with them, letting them slip around in my head, taunting me with the possibilities of what they could mean. And now I had the chance to ask. I was scared shitless.
When I had told Cordy the words she had said she just looked at me dumbstruck. Moaned about the cryptic bullshit that this town was full of and moved onto other things. Trying to distract me from my constant conundrum. Now Tara just looks at me considering. It’s like she sees inside me sometimes… like she’s really looking.
“You want to ask, don’t you?”
You see? Stuff like that? Stuff that says she knows what I’m thinking. It’s kind of scary.
“Am I really that obvious?”
“Not really… I just look. Don’t worry though, there’s a ‘no looking’ epidemic going on just now, no one else is seeing anything.”
“There’s a relief.” I think. Maybe it would be better with cards laid out on tables. No more hiding behind misinterpretations. “I don’t get it though, I don’t get what you mean…”
“Are you sure about that?”
No. Of course I think I know what she means. Can I speak it though, can I allow it to mean that? “Look Tara, if you know something you think I need to know, then yeah… tell me. But I dunno, if this is some kind of cryptic quest you’re offering? I’m out…” I shrug my shoulders. “…I can’t play these games anymore.” The slightly offended look is maybe not good. I try again. “I didn’t mean nothing by that ok… me and Buffy, you gotta understand it’s not easy…” What are the right words? “…just… can you tell me what you meant?”
She takes her time before answering. “The charge Faith… I don’t know how to describe it…” She sits back and looks at me, tries to elaborate. “…there’s just this incredible tenseness whenever you’re in the same room… I feel it, it cloaks me…”
“Hey, nothing new there girlfriend. Me and B always worked the tension.”
She peers at me with those all seeing eyes. “Always Faith?”
I think, I remember, I confirm. “Yeah. Always.”
She picks up her cup and swirls its contents, her focus for a minute lost in what ever she’s seeing there. “All that tension… did you ever…” She looks back up and I see her blush. “…act on it?”
Huh?
“Well she knifed me in the guts, I stole her body… is that what you mean?”
“No… did you ever…?”
The silence stretches out and I know just what she means. “You wanna know if we ever… did it?”
Now she really blushes. It’s really damn cute. “Yeah… did you, with her?”
“Not even close.”
I can remember all the times it felt close. All those hot sweaty training sessions when the only thing protecting her from the heat of my desire was the fact that we were wearing clothes. I’d pin her ass to the mats, cover her completely as much as possible head to toe. Skin on skin. Heavy breathing, body pleading. It’s how I liked to play with her, and sometimes she played the same. Sometimes I’d seen that look when she put my ass down, when it was her sliding over me, holding me down as eyes met eyes, letting me know I was beat.
I hear Tara speaking again and try to regain focus. Slow my heart.
“…it would have made sense.”
“Huh?”
“You’re not listening?”
“No, I am… sorry, quick mind melt, it’s done now.” I smile for good measure, lean forwards on my hands and give her my full attention.
“I said it would have made sense if you had.., I thought maybe that’s why, with the aggro?”
“Nope, me killing things caused the aggro… before that it was cool…” I think for a moment. “…well, kind of cool. There was always some aggro, even from the beginning. Maybe there’s something about me that she’s just never liked?” Her eyes are all mysterious, smiling at me. Like she knows all the things that I don’t. I want to know. “What? You can’t sit there all cat got the canary and not share!”
“Well, did you ever consider that maybe there was aggro because she had seen something that she DID like?”
Erm… no!
“You’re way off base there Tar, that girl’s got stick shoved so far up her ass it’s the only thing she’s ever thought about driving!”
Damn she’s blushing again.
“And… uh… what about you?”
I laugh, she colours some more. “You interested in checking out the goodies?” I raise my eyebrows in all the ways that let her know that these goodies are worth checking out. She starts to stammer something and I figure I’ll save her. “Cool it girl, I’m just messing.”
“Right… messing.”
“And yeah… I’ll drive whatever I fancy at the time, if it feels good, I do it.” And I do. I don’t need labels telling me what I can or can’t, should or shouldn’t. There’s only one person that makes the decision on where this body goes, and that’s me. End of.
“So… did you want to?”
“What? With B?” She nods her confirmation and I speak mine. “Damn right I did, wasn’t a single part of me that didn’t wanna get down and dirty with her… wasn’t an option though. She had Angel… I had a few. After a while I got used to the tension…”
I remember stoking it. I remember inviting her for dances that pushed it to the edge. Fingers finding skin, caressing flesh… whispering into her ear how hot she made me, did she feel it? Her laughter, my laughter… but always something there. Something that made me keep asking, made her keep accepting. All until that night. Our last dance.
“Faith?”
I wonder what would have happened if we’d been allowed to dance again. If that wasn’t the last, if there had been more?
“Hey..? You uh… melting your mind again?”
“Something like that.” I don’t mean to sigh, really I don’t. This is the same old shit that I don’t like to think about. Too many what ifs to ever make sense of.
“It must be hard… being here again?” I just look at her. There aren’t the words to tell her. I hope my eyes have got it down. She sits and she stares and it does feel like she’s slipping inside of me, really seeing everything I am, searching for all the answers I never found. When she speaks she doesn’t question, she tells me. Something I already knew. “You love her.”
“I…” I what? I’m a stupid fuck up? Got that right. “…it’s not that easy Tara, I can’t say that… I can’t even know if I mean it, how could I know? The things we’ve done… I don’t know. There’s something… sure there’s something…”
She smiles at me with sympathy and for the first time ever I don’t wanna wipe that look from a face. I accept it. It feels like the right thing to do. She hops up for more coffee, I sit back and wonder what other revelations she might have. How is it that one so unassuming can know so much?
I watch her blowing the steam from the cup, her fingers as they slowly stir her spoon. I’m willing her to talk, to say more. Eventually the silence gets me, I’m the one who’s breaking it. “So… you think she still feels something then?” Smooth. Really fucking smooth.
“There’s not a question Faith. Willow sees it… anyone who looked could see it.” There’s more to say but she looks uncomfortable forming the words, maybe as if she doesn’t want to betray Buffy. I urge her on, I want to know.
“Tell me Tara. Please?”
“I don’t know… I don’t want to say something and then… I don’t want to give you false hope.”
“Hey, I’m flying on no hopes right now, you know a way to brighten my day I’m opting for hearing it.”
She still takes her time. More than a minute rushing by unfilled. “Look… with Buffy, there’s some stuff… some things she’s been…” She stops again. I can’t even guess what the fuck she is talking about. It’s the return of cryptic nonsense.
“Been what?”
“Things she’s been doing… things she shouldn’t be doing, things which are hurting her…”
What was she saying? B had turned into a speed freak or something, upping the stakes with a little light stimulation? I guess it would explain some of the erratic behaviour… staying out all the time, non responsive to friends and family. I’d seen drugs before, first hand knowledge of the stuff… never would’ve thought Buffy though.
I didn’t know what to say. “Uh… drugs? B’s getting naughty with the drugs?”
“No!… no drugs.” She laughed a little to herself, kinda joyless, not a fun sound. “Maybe drugs would be better, at least we could stick her in rehab.”
Not drugs. So what?
“So what’s the what? She isn’t dabbling there, so what is she up to?”
She just shook her head. Gave me sad eyes. “I can’t say what… just that she is.” I sigh in frustration, it’s just all bullshit. Again. “I’m sorry Faith, I promised.”
“Whatever.”
This was all starting to sound pointless. Less answers, more questions.
“I shouldn’t have said anything, I just… I thought maybe, I thought…”
“What? That you could confuse the fuck out of me even more?”
“No… that you could make her better.”
Don’t fucking look at me like that Tara! No way! I can’t make her better. I tell her, tell her to stop.
“Back up there…” I hold up my hand, shush her. Lean in close and give her the same intensity that B makes me feel. “…do you know what she said to me? At the Bronze the other night, what she said that made me hightail it so soon… made me all sorts of fucked up?” She shakes her head, is staring at me waiting for me to tell her. It hurts to form the words. To say it out loud again. “She said I was nothing to her, that she didn’t hate me anymore… didn’t feel anything anymore. She can’t be bothered…” She looks pretty confused. Her head still turning side to side. “…so tell me Tara, tell me what the fuck you think she’s feeling too!?” I didn’t mean to shout it, didn’t mean to let the volume increase. But damn it! She’s shrunk herself back from me, makes me feel like a shit. “Hey… I’m sorry, I just…”
“It’s ok Faith, the tension… I get it.”
“Yeah… try living with it.”
She takes a moment, speaks her thoughts. “Remember though Faith, Buffy says some really dumb things sometimes, maybe this is that. Maybe you should see it as a positive… if she isn’t hating that’s a bonus.”
Doesn’t feel like one, it feels like nothing.
I think my shoulders convey my feelings, she starts pep squadding me, building me up. Probably for a fall. “She can say what she wants Faith, but we saw it. Me AND Will… when she’s with you… it’s, it’s like she’s alive again… like she’s feeling again. Whatever she said to you… it’s not true. You’re the first thing she’s felt in months.”
Uh. What?
“Huh?”
“You heard me Faith. I’m not saying it’s what you want, it just is… she feels something too.”
I don’t wanna, but I do. I smile a fucking hundred watt smile, ear to ear, face aglow. It only lasts a second, but still… for that second it felt fucking sublime. I KNEW she still felt me. I KNEW IT!!
Didn’t put me in any better position I know, but it felt good. To hear it. It felt the best.
I was tempted to jump up and hug her, to wrap my arms around her and crush her to me slayer style. I didn’t though. Her eyes are detracting from what I’m feeling and it halts me, stops me fast in my tracks. “What Tara… why the doom and gloom?”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“You what?” Was that the quickest turn around ever? “Hey, it’s no big… I’m just pleased she isn’t zombie-ing out on me, feeling anything is better than nothing…”
“Maybe… just don’t forget, she’s… not quite, she’s doing some things…”
“Oh god, stop with the cryptic already! Tell me or don’t… but not the cryptic.” I shake my head at her. “Look, whatever B’s doing doesn’t matter… she starts looking after the kid and sorting her shit out, it’s not my business what she does.”
“I know, I’m just worried.”
“Well stop, we all do dumb shit, me more than most… whatever it is, I’m sure it won’t last. Ok?”
She doesn’t look so sure but she agrees anyway. “Yeah, maybe she just needs time.”
Our heart to heart is cut short by the return of Cordy and her brand new clone! Oh wow… B is gonna freak like fuck. Dawn has her hair cut sharp to the shoulders, make up… and my god! A girl that tall does not need heels!
“Guys, what do you think?”
Cordy directs her in a little spin, encourages her to really show off. I say the only thing I can, I can’t lie.
“Fucking beautiful Dawn, absolutely stunning.” And she is. Once you get past the shock it’s like a whole new person. With confidence. She’s basking in it and it’s fucking fantastic. I wanna kiss Cordy, I wanna kiss Dawn. Hell… I pretty much wanna kiss everyone.
“Err… Dawnie?” She stops spinning and instead slowly turns, drops her head and finds the floor, waits for the recriminations. “Sweetie… you know Buffy is going to go mad, you’ve maybe pushed the boat out a little far…” Her voice has a smile, it makes Dawn look up again. “…but you look beautiful, like Faith said, absolutely stunning.”
Oh god. They’re arms and legs and hugs and kisses before I can move. I don’t know who’s lips were on mine but they were and the arms and the hugging and the no air…
“Guys, hey… GUYS!”
I break them apart, breathe deep. They stand there looking stupid, even Cordy grinning like someone who isn’t all about the image. “So I for one vote to not be there when Buffy sees… who’s with me?”
And ya know Dawn raises her hand first! “I vote Tara tells her, I wanna hang with Cordy more anyway.”
“Nah-uh. You done the crime, you take the time.”
“Spoilsport.” She sticks out her tongue and I laugh right along with her. She’s a fucking giant in those shoes. Buffy’s gonna get a stiff neck if she shouts up at her too long.
We finish another round of coffees before we head out. Tara and Dawn to face the ogre that is Buffy. Me and Cordy to go shoot some pool. I’ve got patrol later. My own bright idea. I told the gang I would do the late ones, let B get home to be with the kid. It suits me. I need to work some shit out and I guess there’s no better way than with the killing of dead things.
Round and around in circles. That’s me tonight. Head thrown in every direction except the one that will take it to any kind of destination. I’ve considered everything. Words said to me, words said about me, words I’ve said myself. I still don’t know though. Don’t have a clue what the fuck she is feeling.
Still not a hundred percent sure that she is even feeling anything.
I hear a snap to my right and immediately I’m the slayer. Gone all thoughts of Buffy, here all thoughts of the now. Me the hunter, it the prey. I don’t sneak and peek, I stand up tall, let the fucker know that I’m coming to get it.
He drops in front of me from god knows where, game face in place, snarling fangs and deadhead breath. I don’t know what’s worse? The smell or the visuals. I reach into my pocket and snag some mints, throw them at the thing and watch amused as he lifts his head to catch them. Dumbass.
I take the opportunity to spin in a kick, to slide my foot through his stomach, double him over, make him prone. My stake is in my hand without thinking, arming me with the power to make it go away, thrusting upwards and forwards, catching the mints through a cloud of blowing dust. Too easy. Not enough distraction.
It’s all too easy. I make my way through another cemetery, then another, nothing followed by nothing, followed by thoughts rushing, memories flooding. She’s all around me here. Every slay, everyday that we were together is in these cemeteries, half smiles and full smiles, threats and promises. It all starts here.
Without even realising it I’m closing in on Spike’s crypt, feet following feet to take me ever closer. I stop a way off. Just looking. Not sure why. Can’t think why. But it’s right that I’m here, I know it is.
I know that there’s distraction here. Know that there’s something so fucking nasty here, that I could feel good for a week if I just had the balls to go wipe it out. I don’t though. This isn’t my town, not my call. I can’t go busting the wildlife just cos I’m not a fan. I almost wish the chip would malfunction… give me a reason, something to kill for.
I stand for a while wondering what’s got me so contemplative, so antsy. So itchy. It’s just another dead thing, nothing different. Just another vamp. I sigh out my sadness and turn to leave. Walk away from something that I don’t understand. Just another slayer urge, right? The feeling of where the danger is.
I head out round the back of the cemetery, frighten a stupid couple that wanna make out on a gravestone. Sick fucks. If it wasn’t the wrong thing to do I might have left them there to learn a lesson. But no. I’m good now. It’s all the action left. The night’s a wipe out, nothing of any interest.
A noise up ahead gets my spirits rising again though. The solid tread of feet on the ground, definitely something wandering through the graveyard. That means business for me, deadness for them.
“Come out come out wherever you are..?”
Yeah I’m gonna play it. Maybe I’ll get lucky, maybe it’ll be Spike. I can say it was an accident, we were playing catch the stake… and he caught it. In the chest. Or not.
I don’t get a reply, which doesn’t faze me, I don’t really come here looking for conversation. I concentrate everything I am on my surroundings, try and get a position on the prowler. I creep through the bushes to my left, something making me be stealthy when normally I’d not care. I move back into the open and they’re on me in a second. I swing my arm, I connect, I’m free. I look down and wonder what the fuck?
“B..?”
“For gods sake Faith, what the hell are you doing?”
She’s picking herself up, feeling at her jaw. Dusting down pants. I just stare. I don’t get it.
“Why are you here? I thought…”
“Oh… work stuff, I was working late.”
The wheels are turning, stomachs churning. Something ain’t right. The deal was I slayed the off days. She slays the late days. Makes sense, doing a sweep on the way home. Tonight I’m slaying so as she can be home with the kid. I get up close, give a sniff of the air. Maybe habit, but I do it anyways, sniff out the bullshit. She does smell bad… like the place where she works. Dead meat. I’m not gonna call her on it… but still…
“You were working late?”
“That’s what I said.”
She’s turning round to walk away, to dismiss me with her back. I won’t let her. I haven’t got a reason to, it’s not like she hates me or nothing. I find a step alongside her. Pester her for more. “So… was it scheduled or did they get you in to cover someone else?” She just looks at me. No answers. Keeps walking. “Maybe you forgot to tell anyone… maybe you thought I needed the extra slayage?”
The sounds of silence.
It’s bugging the shit out of me, she can’t not acknowledge me, she has to say something. If she doesn’t then I know I’ll be pushing her to notice me. “Maybe you were just hanging out in the cemetery looking for a bit of…”
“SHUT UP!!”
Whoa! Guess I hit a nerve. Makes me smile. “What’s up B… feeling a little tetchy, come to work out some of that tension in the graveyard? Wanna feel that nasty little feeling..?”
I’ve moved so I’m walking in front of her, backwards so I can face her, so I can see what she’s thinking, guess if she’s feeling. Whatever it is in her eyes is as scary as fuck, all rage and hate and venom. She moves to the side to go round me, I move to block her… I need to know. I need to know if she’s feeling it too.
“Get out of my way Faith.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Move!”
I don’t answer, I just shake my head. Look her straight in those haunted eyes. Something’s telling me to be brave, telling me not to move. That I have to stand here, that I’m meant to stand here.
“I swear if you don’t move Faith I’m gonna…”
“What? MAKE me move?” I take my time looking her up and down, there’s so much fury there I’d be surprised if she could manage to punch straight. “I think we both know that that’s not gonna happen.” She went to throw a punch, telegraphed it a mile off… I catch her wrist, let it drop between us. “I don’t wanna fight you B, I won’t fight you.” And I won’t. I’ve pushed her enough, seen that the fire still rages bright in there… now I want to let it breathe, I don’t wanna smother it. Give her a reason to stop. Shame she isn’t on the same page. I see her fist flying again, pushed it away again. “Stop it!”
She gives up the punches and goes for a push, I let her make contact, let her feel how much she’s lacking. I barely move, stand firm, raise my hands and push her to the ground. Not hard, I don’t wanna hurt her… just hard enough so as I’m not forced to hurt her.
She stays on the floor, laying on her side, brings her knees up into that foetal position, it reminds me of when Dawn was laying broken on the bed. Makes me approach her slowly. Softly.
“Hey? B..? You want a hand up?”
“Just leave me alone Faith, please? Just leave me alone.”
Not a chance. Call me a sucker, call me anything. But there’s no way I’d ever leave her here. I’d never leave her anywhere. Not like this. “Not gonna happen, come on..? I’ll take you home?”
I walk round until I’m in front of her, hold out my hand and offer her an up. I smile when I feel the warmth of her hand in mine, the acceptance of my help. I pull her up gently, really fucking gently. If I hadn’t have held it all in I would’ve pulled her straight to me.
There’s a little bit of grass or shit in her hair and I reach out to dislodge it, her eyes are locking into mine and I swear I think she’s gonna cry. I freeze in midair as she sucks in a lungful, her demeanour straightening. Her own hand goes from mine and reaches up herself, pulls at the twig and lets it drop to the floor. Both our eyes follow it down and then both of them rise on each other.
“You ok B?”
I see as her eyelids slide shut, as her bottom lip is taken between her teeth. It’s just for a second. A second to compose. “Yeah… peachy. Thanks.”
I don’t know what to do now. Didn’t really plan on this. She’s standing there waiting for me to take direction so I do. I turn and start to walk her way, slow a pace as I feel her start to follow. Her tread falls into step and we walk side by side. It’s the same as before, the rush and the lightness. But there’s weariness too. For both of us. I don’t know all of her reasons, all of her cryptic hang ups that no one except Tara must know about… but I do know that we’re still in step. Just me and her, no one else, walking the same walk.
I try and speak a bit as we move along, it’s hard though. I don’t know what to say and her answers are short and to the point. Before I know it we’re pulling up outside the house, coming to a stop. Not just me, her as well… as if she’s finding comfort here too.
Her eyes are on me and waiting, almost pleading with me to say something, maybe so she doesn’t have to go in, doesn’t have to get back to life. But it’s not that easy. This IS life. All of it. No escape. And no surrender.
I ask her about Dawn, make it relevant. “So when’s the counsellor gig then?”
She looks a bit startled. Reminding herself of Dawn?
“Oh… Thursday, straight after school.” I can see something going over her face. “My birthday.”
“Your birthday?” She nods her head to the yes. “Maybe it’ll work out really well then, right?” I try to sound hopeful.
“Me and birthdays Faith..?” And in this instant she looks like old Buffy, the same teasing features, self-effacing grin. “…We don’t mix so well. In fact I said no to the birthday… thought about rescheduling… wondered if I shouldn’t maybe be saving myself for the re-birthday thing instead…” She’s all mock sigh and fuck if I don’t wanna kiss her. I just laugh instead. Sick humour maybe, but it’s Buffy humour. I’ve so fucking missed it. After all, it has been years. Her words carry on all sing song and light. “…I told Wills no big parade but she wants a party, says we NEED a party… but I know what’s gonna happen. It’s all gonna go disaster, another Buffy birthday!” I step back and admire. She comes round, draws breath, looks at me strangely. “What?”
“Nothing B, just nice to see some animation.” I wink to soften and I think it does the trick. She leans against the post on one side of the porch and me against the other. It’s the nicest stand off we’ve had in a while.
“Do you know what really gets me Faith?”
I shake my head, cos really? I haven’t a clue.
“I died, and I can live with that… kind of, or I’m starting to, but what’s with the not missing a birthday..? You’d think I’d get some kind of benefit.”
I look to see if she’s joking, and sure enough there is a little hint of mischief lining her eyes. “That why ya got such a flea up your ass B? Pissed about the getting old?”
“Well I did think I’d skipped it for a while there. But now that I’m back here with the getting old..?” She sighs just a little, the tiniest clue that this goes deeper than a joke, deeper than a stand off, she’s telling me things. In her own little way she’s telling me things. “Back here with the getting old hurts. It all kinda hurts.”
“You know you’re gonna make it though, right?” She looks at me intensely, I feel it. “You have your family and friends B, you know they all love you, they’re all rooting for you… you have everything you need here. Everything to make it better.”
She doesn’t frown and pull sorrowful faces, she keeps looking at me. Her mouth eventually opening… a whisper slipping out. “I think so Faith. I think maybe now I do.”
I wanted to jump and shout and holler. I felt like I’d just ripped past that first little layer of steel. Progress made. I didn’t know what to say… if I shouldn’t just shut up. The door opening made it less of an issue.
“Buffy..? You’re way late… you ok?”
“Hey Wills, yeah. Had some stuff to do… sorry. Here now though!”
Her jovial tone stops further enquiry, Red smiling cos B is smiling. I file it though, for later. Something scratching somewhere. Something to consider. The witch turns to me and speaks a hello. Her happiness easy to spot.
“Hey Faith, nice to see you, sorry I didn’t make it earlier… major study rush, Tara says it was great though… and Dawnie…” She looks at B, looks at me. I guess Buffy hasn’t seen it yet. “…she looks great, beautiful.” She’s nodding frantically to accentuate her words.
“Dawn looks great why? What happened to her?”
“Uh… nothing B, really… she just uh…”
“Faith?” Nope, not answering. Stepping slowly backwards. She turns to Red. “Wills..? What’s going on?”
“Um… nothing Buffy, just uh… Dawn went to the salon with Cordy and… err.”
“Oh god, what’s she done to her?”
“Hey nothing B, just a little trim, maybe a manicure… it looks great. I promise.” I hold my hand on my heart, she looks, raises her eyebrows at me.
“Hmmm, I hope you’re telling the truth, could be painful otherwise.” She turns to go inside, Red holding the door open, shooting me glares for missing the fun to come. She stops and turns again, looks mighty thoughtful for a moment. “What I said Faith..?”
“Which bit?”
“About my birthdays always going a little wrong, with the bad stuff?”
“Oh… yeah?”
“Well feel free to come by!” She laughs I guess at my look. “Really… Dawn will be happy and well… having another slayer around might be helpful if things go all… not good.”
“Aw B, I’m touched.” And really I kinda was. “Can I bring Cordy?” I wiggle the brows, she’s gotta know it’ll be all sorts of fun.
“Why not? Maybe she’ll scare the monsters away.” She does a little wiggle of her own. Turns and walks in. I stand and look at Willow. Her eyes finding mine, smiling all over.
She mouths her words, they’re easy to catch. “What did you do Faith?”
I don’t know. She just started smiling. I didn’t do anything. I shrug my shoulders and show her a blank look. Raise my hand to say bye.
“See you Thursday.”
I turn and walk away. Still light in step. Still smiling. I can’t help but laugh as I hear the telling scream. “Jesus Christ! Dawn!” I guess either Dawn’s just gone from green energy, to girl, to saviour of the world… or Buffy just caught the new look. Yeah. I laugh as I walk away, everything’s cool. Everything’s nice.
POV Faith.
Thursday already right? Like it couldn’t wait to get here. Days zooming by in a daze of waiting. Minutes fast, hours faster. Drink, sleep, eat. Follow a routine, don’t think too much, don’t feel too much. Smile at jokes, nod agreements. And now here. And now what?
The second guessing is killing me. I tell myself that she’ll be lifeless and cold. She’ll be the shell that she keeps on show, nothing home, nothing here. But then I dismiss that. Lose myself in possibilities, sparks which flew the other night, life in eyes, Buffy with a smile. I said I didn’t want it, but I do have hope. Hope for her. Hope for me. Probably madness for both of us.
That girl on the porch is the girl I can relate to. The girl I fell in love with. The girl who tickles me with her jokes, touches me with her vulnerability. And I want to know her secrets.
I want to know what’s so damn bad that she has to keep it hidden. What makes her walk through a graveyard with nothing but hate in her eyes. It was scary the depth of it, plain on show, plain to see. Hard to get past.
I did though. I waited and I bided my time. Like somehow I knew that I had to stand in front of her. Be the barrier for her to crash into. Something that wouldn’t break. Yeah I caught all that venom in her gaze, the rage and the pain, mostly the hate. But I knew it wasn’t for me. I just knew it.
It’s why I couldn’t fight her. I saw behind the hate, saw through it. Like Tara said, it’s easy when you look. And I saw that all that hating isn’t for me. That hate is all for herself. I know it. Been there and done it, remember?
I’ve stood before someone that had every reason to hate me and asked for them to beat me. Goaded them with fists into hitting me back. Making it hurt. Making it go away. Yeah. I recognised B’s plea. What she wanted. The way she wanted me to make it stop.
Old Faith might have given it to her. Me..? Not a chance.
I watched her break and then I went to her. Offered her my help. I hope the warmth of her hand in mine was acceptance of that. Belief that I CAN help her.
Not so sure if you ask me how. It’s all just a feeling. And like I told you; it kinda feels like my destiny.
It’s been days now though, and maybe destiny changes? Maybe time to think has filled her head with the truth of all I ever did to her. Reminded her that my kind of helping was never so good. Not really helpful at all.
So much I want her to see the truth of the now. The truth about me. And yet I’m so damn scared to show her. To reveal everything I am for her, to put it all on the line only to be crushed. To have mistaken one thing for something else. Misinterpretations.
Her hand in mine nothing more than a lift up to standing. An invite to her birthday nothing more than another slayer around if things go… not good.
But surely even that means she trusts me a bit? Believes in me a little?
I just wish that I knew her secrets. All of them.
I go to say it out loud. Something in the air calling at me to say it out loud. To give voice to my wishes.
“I just wish that…”
“You would hurry the hell up!”
“Huh?”
“Seriously Faith, talking to self in mirror is not a good advert for sane…” She looks me up and down, her eyebrows shoot high and I know what’s coming. “…and when did you morph back into a slut bomb?”
“Is that your way of telling me I look nice, Cor?”
“No. It’s my way of telling you that you’re not leaving the house like that!”
Oh come on? It’s not all bad. So I’m still having a little trouble updating my look around B. It works and I might need it. I said I want to know her secrets, I also said I may not be ready for her to know me. And leather does feel good. It’s comforting. Skin on skin.
“No one tells me when I can or can’t leave a house, and I do look good…” She shakes her head. I raise my eyes. “…you know you’re just jealous.”
“Of what? Your all over slut appeal? Not likely Faith… it was bad the first time round, this time it’s just ridiculous.” Oh how her comments wound me. “I know and you know that there’s a gorgeous girl under there somewhere…” She walks closer, carries an inspection. “…hiding pretty well, make ups kinda heavy… but I know she’s there. Why are we hiding her?”
“I’m not hiding, I’m… accentuating.”
“Tits and ass maybe, everything else is just lost under that!”
I slide my hands over my encased thighs, turn around and caress my ass for her. “It looks good though don’t it?”
“No, it looks like everything you used to be.”
Her voice has lost its humour and my manner has lost it too. She’s right, of course she is. I know she is. But still it’s almost easier. To hide.
“Hey come on… I get why you’re doing this Faith.” She must have caught my mood, cos now she tries to make it better. “But you don’t need to do this. Why give her what she expects huh? Lets show the girl the truth… knock her socks off with some of that natural beauty?”
She’s got her makeover face on again and I’m kinda glad that all the salons are shut. I like my hair. A lot.
“How about a compromise… you can lessen the makeup and I keep the leather?”
“Twirl.”
“What?”
“I wanna check the leather over again, see if it works.”
I go slow, ain’t no checking of leather… she’s checking on my ass. I get that. I turn back to facing her, give her the shit eating grin, eyes of promise. “You enjoy that Cor?”
“Nice ass, tops gotta go. Too much cleavage, lessens the eyes.”
Ha! Nice ass, I knew it. Not getting the cleavage thing though. “What’s wrong with my cleavage?”
She laughs a little. “Nothing wrong with, Faith, even I can see the appeal… but it’s too much, we want her talking to you, not your goodies!”
“As if!”
“Trust me, anyone would be looking… you got it girl, you know that.” I nod my agreement, I spose I kinda do. Got it. “Now lose the top, find some more material, then get your ass to the bathroom… I’m gonna make a creation.”
I watch her walk out. Rummage through my bag and do as she says. I trust her creations, I never look better than when Cordy does her thang. I just hope it’s the right thing to do. Hope that it’s not too soon to be showing myself to her. I’m not so sure that I want her looking into my eyes. All my secrets are there. Always have been.
We drive around the block a few times. I’m nervous. She’s nervous. It’s almost amusing. Buffy’s house just keeps drifting by. She told me to say when I’m ready to stop. My mouth’s kinda dry though, not too sure about speaking. I have a bottle of Jack here for the party and it’s almost tempting to break the seal now. Drink up some courage.
I turn my head as we slide by again. “We got enough gas for this Cor?”
“There’s a garage down the way, we can always stop for more…”
“Right. Wanna go home?”
“LA?”
I nod my head. “It’s appealing right now…”
I know why she’s nervous. Xander. Hasn’t seen him yet and tonight is the night. I told her that he’s cool, that Anya’s kinda… cool, given her as much reassurance as I can that everything will be cool… but still she’s all fidgety and absent minded. My assurances must do as much for her as hers do for me. Not too much.
I know the whole deal, I was here for it, all the pain the boy put her through. I know the rest as well though. The dress. The love. I get why she’s nervous.
Times change and things move on, but nothing ever really changes love. I know that.
Xander has Anya, Cordy has Angel… no matter what she insists… and now I just hope that somewhere in amongst all of that they can find a niche for themselves. A place where they can smile at each other and it’s all alright.
We pull into B’s road again, slide by the same houses, foot getting heavier on gas the closer we get. I take a deep breath, tap her on the leg. “Hey… I vote for stopping. I think we’ve managed fashionably late.”
“Already… but it’s only been what? Sixteen passes?”
“I counted seventeen…”
“Exactly! How do we know if it’s safe to stop yet? I want to check the neighbourhood one more time… ok?”
“Pull over Cor…” She looks a little exasperated but she does guide the car into a stop at the kerb. Right outside. Lights all shining. I wanna start driving again.
I turn my head to tell her. Agree that seventeen is not enough to know that we’re safe to get out. But I see him. In the shadows, lurking, moving, prowling. I wanna hunt him. I get the feeling again. Something so fucking nasty.
“What’s that dead fucker doing here?”
“You what?”
I point out Spike, she strains her eyes, eventually sees. “Spike? Oh god… he looks just the same, I have to tell him to change the hair… it’s so, outdated?”
“It’s not fashion tips he needs Cor…” I unbuckle the seatbelt and open the door, I want a little word, want to know what’s going on. “…I got everything he needs right here.” I open my jacket, show her the stake inside. No I’m not gonna use it, it’s wrong to kill defenceless evil things. Or something. But I do want the talk.
He steps out from the shadows as I approach him, deep sardonic grin lining those evil features. “Evening slayer, come to play pass the parcel?”
“Name’s Faith, you wanna call me slayer I’m gonna be inclined to act like one.”
I hated the fucking way he called B that, no way he was using it on me.
“No offence meant love…”
“Plenty taken.” I step up to him, let my power encase me, show him with my eyes how much he offends me. “Now why the fuck are you here?”
He holds up his hand and for the first time I notice the flowers, a sweet little bunch, all pretty and tied. “Come to see a girl about a birthday.”
Oh come on? Surely this thing wasn’t invited as well?
“Buffy invited ‘you’ to her birthday bash..? You’re kidding me?”
In that second I saw. He weren’t invited no where. He fixed the smile back onto those dead lips. “I don’t need an invite, I’m always welcome.”
I let him walk around me, let him think that I was that easy to dismiss. In his dreams. I couldn’t help the way that he made me feel, like my skin was on fire just being near him, burning in hell. All my instincts screaming that he shouldn’t be here. Should never be here.
It’s wrong to kill defenceless evil things. It’s not wrong to hit them. To remind them of what’s waiting for them. He jumped straight back up, showed me game face, invited me to play. Not pass the parcel, pass the pain.
“You want some..?”
I had to ask. Had to be sure he was pushing me there.
I watched him back down, saw him slide that same fucked up smile across lips that to me would never look human. Regretted asking.
“Not tonight slayer…” His eyes slid over me, the worst kind of feeling. I knew what he was thinking, saw what he was wanting… almost like he was touching me, it made me feel sick, made me spit my disgust down onto the sidewalk.
I could hear Cordy approaching before she arrived. Saw the smile that she found, heard the words that she chose. “Come on Faith, I’ve told you before about playing with the animals.” Her arm locked into mine and I let her pull me away, ignored the stare affixed to my back. One day. One day I’m gonna give that defucker what he needs.
I know that he’s following us onto the porch, know that he still thinks his coming in. Not gonna happen. No way I’m going in if he’s going in. I let Cordy knock the door and stand to await my fate. Party guest or home early. Buffy’s choice.
When she gets to the door it’s a smile that she’s wearing, one for me and one for Cordy. Then it freezes, I see it turn into something else. Watch her mouth open to speak. “Spike… what are you doing here?”
Good question. We’re on the same page at last.
He holds those damn flowers up as if they mean anything. What’s he think? That he’s come by to date her? I stifle my laughter to hear what he says. “I brought you these for your birthday Buffy, Dawn mentioned a gathering..?”
“Right…” She looks like she doesn’t know what to do, whether to take the flowers or not. I help her out.
“Nice thought Spikey… thing about B though? Terrible hay fever…” I give her a wink, a flash of a smile. “…ain’t that right girlfriend?”
I saw her own stifled laugh, watched her turn it into a sneeze. “Uh-huh… terrible.” Her eyes fell into mine and it was like watching her grow a pair. Some old fashioned slayer strength shining through. When she spoke again I forgot all thoughts of going home early. “Spike, it’s a gathering for friends… please leave?”
I wouldn’t have said please.
“Slayer…”
“I said leave.”
I heard the growl in the back of his throat, sensed Buffy stiffen. Added my own two cents. “Better do as the girl says, I don’t wanna hurt ya.”
I squared my shoulders for effect, dared him to disobey me. His tail slid between his legs and he sloped off the porch. Couldn’t leave without saying bye though. Trying for a final word.
“I’ll be waiting for you slayer…”
Was that a threat? I let Cordy bring Buffy’s eyes back from haunted, let her make her smile another hello, a passage through the door. I wanna hang back for a minute. Make sure he's gone.
“Faith… you coming in?”
“Just a minute.” I watch them go. Keep a smile. Once they’re gone I lose it.
If I pause for a minute, stay still and hold my breath… I can sense it. It’s been in me before and I know what darkness feels like. What evil feels like. It’s everywhere here. Raising the goosebumps across my skin. Whispers on the wind. Calling to me. Warning me.
Makes me shiver. Makes me turn back towards the house. The lights are on and I want to go home. I tap on the door, wait just seconds for it to open. She’s there again, and now it’s all smiles.
“You coming in now?”
“Seems like a good idea.”
She steps back, holds the door open. “You sure?”
Am I? I don’t know. I shrug my shoulders. What the hell right? Nothing to lose. I breathe in deep as I pass her by, smell Buffy instead of dead meat. Makes me smile.
“Happy birthday B.”
She gives me the best look in return, all comical and unsure. “I’m hoping so… nights young though, plenty of time for death and destruction…”
I laugh along with her. Watch her hand slide to the door and push it closed.
A little house party..? What could ever go wrong?
The woman stepped out from the shadows of the house. She had watched everything occurring around her, seen the pain. She thrived upon it. It’s what gave her the power.
The girl who had sought her services hadn’t asked for anything huge. No bloodshed or massacre. Halfrek was still excited though, to see what would happen… how spoken desires would shape the lives of those inside.
She raised up her arms and spoke her words into the night.
“Wish granted.”
It was done.
“You look really nice.”
“Huh?”
The dark haired slayer turned around to face the voice, smiled at a girl who also had a brand new look of her own. “You’re looking pretty fine there too girly, B come to terms with the difference yet?”
“I’m not allowed to wear the heels around her, gives her sore neck.”
“Not your fault she’s a midget.”
“That’s what I said!”
Cordy looked on, watched them laughing. She had modelled both of them tonight. Dawn’s new style to give her confidence and Faith’s so that she could finally stop hiding. Stop pretending to be the thing which she wasn’t.
She had watched Buffy run her eyes over her, had seen the quizzical look and knitting of brow, had heard her whisper words of compliment, seen the smile as it had encompassed Faith’s face.
She’d never really thought about the possibility of them being anything other than enemies before. Knew the depth of Faith’s feelings in words, but had never had the opportunity to observe them with that knowledge. To uncover the secret of what might lay between them. In the beginning she had been too wrapped up in her own life to care about theirs. Ramifications smashing her world wide apart, no time to stop and look at everything else around her.
Now though… now she had the time. Made the time. The gift of visions had also borne with it a gift of pain. The ability to feel it, to understand it. To want to stop it. Underneath the coy looks, the hidden smiles, the tentative touches, there was so much pain. The room was awash with it. So many cries going unheard.
She watched them as they drifted through the crowd of friends, stopping to make talk with different people, focus remaining anywhere but on each other. It was there though, you only had to look and you could see.
Buffy’s eyes searched the hardest, always moving round, not resting until they came to rest on her. And the little sharp pause, the intake of breath every single time that Faith’s eyes rose to meet her. Sometimes they looked away quick, sometimes they allowed themselves to linger. Yes. Cordy had decided that there was definitely something there. All she had to do now was to work out what to do with that knowledge.
It was tempting to fake a vision, to fall to the floor screaming false agony, grab her head as she looked meaningfully at the two slayers. She could envision her words… the gasps of surprise… ‘You two… you’re meant to be together…’
It made her giggle quietly to herself. It was kind of tempting.
“Hey, what’s with the funnies?”
The voice startled her, she’d been lost in the making of plans, amusement to be had. Now though she looked up, looked into eyes that she hadn’t seen in a while, eyes that she didn’t realise until that second that she had been missing.
“Xander… good to see you.”
“What’s the punch line?”
“I can’t be pleased to see an old friend now?”
He wanted to believe it, that they were friends… but this was Cordelia, let down your guard for a second and she would blast you away. “Are we using the term ‘friends’ loosely?”
Her mouth opened, she went to speak, held herself back. She didn’t want this to be the same old nonsense, her using words to make him less, him using jokes to gain back self confidence. For a moment she put her own defences aside, offered him an honesty, a truth of feeling. “Look Xander, things change… I’m not that same person anymore that left here, can’t you just accept that I’m pleased to see you?”
He waited near on a minute for her face to change, for the look of friendship to go from her eyes. For a cutting comment to slice him in two. It didn’t come though, all that came was the awkwardness of the silence that he had made. He swallowed the pride he had thought she would wound and sat himself down next to her. Offered the smile to go with his words.
“It’s good to see you too, kinda strange… unexpected. But good. Really good.”
“I didn’t expect to be back either, Sunnydale’s not high on my list of places to visit, but Faith needed me… it seemed like the right time.”
“Things are pretty messed up here… I guess you know all that?”
She nodded her confirmation. “Yeah, the LA hotline has been abuzz with the heavy stuff. It’s reassuring to know the place never changes.”
“I sometimes wish it hadn’t.” She looked at him oddly, those old days were never fun. But he had his reasons. Looked to share them. “I know things were hard back then… high school, girls… you. Things now though..? All sorts of crazy.” He sat back and threw his eyes quickly round the room. “Willow messed up bad… and with the Buffster, you know… and then Dawn, it’s all a little much. Makes it hard to stay strong.”
“You do though. You always did.”
“Thanks Cordy.” Sometimes it was like his efforts to do what he could went unnoticed… hearing someone recognise it, speak it, it made him feel good. Valued.
“So what about you and LA? You like it?”
“It has its advantages… same amount of freaky stuff, bit like home from home…”
“Faith told me about the visions… sounds kinda cool.”
She laughed at the simplicity of his statement, had never thought of it as ‘cool’ before. “It has its moments… made me a queen for a while, headaches are bad. It’s tough having a higher calling… makes me get the slayer deal a bit better.”
“Hot chicks with super powers, you’ve joined the mighty ranks!”
“Are you calling me hot, Xander Harris?”
He could feel his cheeks start to colour, nerves creeping in. “Uh… I might have said that…”
She offered him a smile, a soft one. Not one which spoke of how much she knew that she was all that, one which said thank you. That she appreciated it. “You’re wearing pretty well your self… you look all man sized…”
“Xander..? What’s all man sized?”
“Anya!…” He hadn’t seen her approach, didn’t know what she had heard. “…tissues! We were talking about the superiority of man sized tissues… for sneezing…”
“Save it.” The former demon turned her attention to the girl. She remembered her vaguely, heard how she had broken Xander’s heart. It made her not so keen. Also kind of jealous to see them sitting together. She loved Xander… this Cordelia woman could just go home. Xander was hers. All hers. She held out her hand, showed off her ring. “You do know that Xander’s engaged now right? You missed your chance, no good coming back now looking for second chances… I warned Faith that he was mine, now I’m warning you… back off.”
Cordelia couldn’t help but laugh. Yes she was extremely happy to see him again, but there was only one place that her heart lay nowadays. One man for her. “I’ve been warned, I’ll uh… just back off.” She cast an amused glance down at Xander as she rose to leave him, wanted to wish him luck. He’d certainly need to be strong if this was who he was marrying.
She made her way to the kitchen, hunted out Faith, found her with Willow. More old ‘friends’, the place was practically full of them. She stood for a moment and listened to them speaking, talk of demons and disasters, how they hadn’t managed to get a hold on what it was that was causing all the mishaps. Faith had told her about the elusive threat of the nerds, how they thought that maybe some occult following kids were getting into pranking… didn’t realise how much damage their pranks could cause. They hadn’t been able to find them though, not really sure what they were looking for.
“Hey, I thought this was a kick ass party you dragged me to Faith, no shop talk…”
“Oh, hey Cor… you not finding the fun?”
“Just been warned off Xander, there’s my fun plan gone for the night!”
The three girls laughed at the shared joke, Willow offering condolences. “Sorry about that, she gets a little over-sensitive where Xander’s concerned, she warns me every few weeks and I’ve been all about the lady love for ages now.”
“How’s that working out for you?”
She gave Cordy her mischievous grin, eyes shining. “Perfect, good times galore!” There wasn’t a day ever when she regretted switching teams. She didn’t know if it was all girls, it was definitely her girl though. Tara had changed her world, in more ways than one. Given her belief in herself, given her love.
Things were starting to get back on track, one pretty heavy make-out session causing her to be wearing a pretty little scarf tonight. Yep. Miss Mclay had shown Willow just how much she had been missing her, still needed her. It filled her with smiles, made her want to wish for time to speed forward to the point where everything was better. The time when Tara would feel ready to come back. To move home.
“What about you Cordy?”
“And girly love..? Not a chance!” She cocked her brow at Faith. “Not for lack of trying from slay girl over there… but no, I’m still a guys gal.”
Willow cast her eyes to Faith, girly love? Since when? “Um… Faith? You and the girly stuff?”
“Oh come on Red, you gotta have known… I thought you types had those radar things, tell me I wasn’t blipping it.”
“No blipping.”
“Damn… I was sure I had that whole butch thing down pat. You sure not an inkling?”
Faith let her eyes travel over Willow in that deeply sensuous way that she managed so easily, let them speak of all the things she could do to Willow, for Willow. Let her tongue poke out so slightly, drawing her in, drawing soft circles around soft lips… pointed her gaze. Bedroom eyes.
“Ok, ok… I’m blipping! Quit already!”
They laughed again, easy laughter. “I thought maybe with Buffy you might have wanted to, but I figured it was one off… I thought you were a guys gal too?”
“I’m MY girl Red, I go where the urges take me…”
“Don’t listen to her Willow, she doesn’t go anywhere, girl's a nun… you’d think in LA she’d hit the party scene, but nope… all I get is two for one on brooders, find the fun my ass.”
“Offer me your ass again Cor and you know I’ll be finding the fun.” She gestured with her eyebrows, never one to miss an opening.
“All talk, really.” Cordy made her way to Willow’s side, surprised at how easy it was, how soon they’d put aside childish dislikes. “Ask her when the last time was? She’s probably forgotten…”
“No fair, you can’t talk… we’re both of the lacking, it’s why I keep offering.”
“No Faith, you keep offering cos I’m hot, I keep refusing cos I’m not yet desperate!”
They hadn’t noticed the little blonde birthday girl wandering into the room, her ears perking up to listen to their words. Now they noticed her though. When she spoke. “I’m getting desperate.”
“Huh… Buffy?” Willow’s face showed shock, she was getting desperate for what?
“You want Cordy’s ass too B?” The younger slayer shook her head slowly, nothing but teasing. “Get in line girlfriend, I got first dibs on this piece.”
“I feel like a commodity.”
Buffy laughed at all of them, had heard their words. Heard reference to herself. Couldn’t let herself think of a meaning for it. Refused. It was too hard.
“I meant desperate to open gifts, a girl can only wait so long…”
“Wow Buffy, I thought you meant desperate for you know… the sex stuff, gifts is good though, not as good as the sex… but still good.”
They all made to move, the front room waiting for the presents to begin. Faith held herself back for a moment. Gifts. She knew she had forgotten something. Wondered if Buffy would take the sex stuff as an alternative… grinned to herself as she accepted the no.
It took ages to get through the unwrapping, every present given the time to be appreciated. Buffy was trying so hard, for her friends, for Dawn. Trying to replace the emotions she wasn’t feeling with words of gratitude. Thanks for all the things. Nothing that made a difference. And then everyone had been and then it was Faith’s turn.
She felt as the eyes went to her, couldn’t believe that she hadn’t thought to bring anything. She hadn’t been to too many birthday parties, sure, but even a moron could figure out that ya needed to bring a gift. She cast her mind quick, let a beautiful smile settle on her lips as she thought of an alternative.
She stood up and walked over to the coats, reached inside the pocket and pulled out her stake. It was hand crafted by herself, her favourite, a little piece of wood with a whole lot of attitude. She turned back to Buffy holding it in her hand, gave a little wiggle of the brows. “I made this for ya B, thought it might come in handy.” Buffy looked kind of unimpressed though, as if she had seen a thousand stakes before, probably more. She wondered at what to do to make it better, made a plan. She took the ever present knife from the lining of the jacket, tossed the stake up and caught it. “Come on girl, I’ll even engrave it for ya…”
She made quick work of the task, just an ‘F’ and a ‘X’… nothing too heavy, too meaningful. She flipped the blade back down. Tossed the stake across the room and smiled as Buffy caught it. She watched her raise her eyebrows, roll her eyes heavenwards. “Thank you… I think.” She placed the stake down on the table next to the sofa. Looked at all the faces looking at her, looking for direction in what to do now. She forced cheery into her voice. “Well lets put the music back on… I thought this was a party!”
Her friends found the volume button. Found the space on the floor to bust some moves. Her eyes went to all of them. To one in particular. It hit her again, the force of her. The feel of her. It made her wait on a moment, when no one was looking. A moment to escape. To run and to hide.
...continued in chapter 11...