Resolution
by Kelly Smith
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Nothing and no one belongs to me.
Spoilers: None, this is slightly AU, ish, sort of.
Dedicated: To the most awesome writer in the known world. Yes thats you Chev, you rock, and my God you are so fucking hot if I wasn't totally smitten with this other Irish chick I know, I swear, nothing would come between us. And probably dedicated to Elaine Martin, the other Irish chick.
Notes From Chev: *gasp* Kelly? I had no idea, I am so touched, truly.
Notes From Kelly: Chev, it was a pleasure touching you. Thank you :)
Further Dedication: Also to Elaine Martin's shoes. I bow before them, meek and unworthy, and only hope that one day I will make her as happy as they do. It is a futile hope. But oh the fun trying. That's all. Enjoy.
Nothing’s ever easy right? Life never came with a set of instructions, no easy to read manual, no; Fix slot A into slot B, slip in screw C and live happily ever after. Cos I know I screwed slot A, slot B… and I’m pretty sure I got slot C covered too, and I sure as hell ain’t living happily ever after.
But then maybe I should just be happy that I’m living.
I cut it close a couple of times, danced my ass straight up to the door marked ‘death’, rang the bell and waited. And waited. Seems death didn’t want me though. Not a whole lot of surprise there… I’m the poster child for not wanted, ya know. Death just chewed me up, spat me out, and told me to get the fuck on with it. So I’m here. Getting on with it.
Bet ya wondering where here is right? I’m getting to that, don’t worry.
Yesterday ‘here’ was L.A. City of Angels. My Angel at least. I served my few months sentence like the good girl I’m not. Playing with others was never my strong suit, and sticking me in Juvie with a bunch of little jumped up gang bangers was never gonna bring about my caring and sharing side. I made it through though. I thanked my lucky stars that I never got charged for no murders, and dreamt about the day that I could start to make it right. Cos I do wanna make it right. I want to try to.
The day I was released into Angel’s care was the day I had earmarked as my salvation. The day when I could finally shed my dark past and get on with living the light. Two fights with Angel later and I was upside down in some strangers bed getting the shit fucked out of me whilst throwing up the best part of a bottle of JD. What can I say..? Old habits die hard?
I wasn’t proud though. I was sick. Sick of all of it. Sick of being me.
I slunk back to Angel’s the next day, I must’ve sure looked a picture… even Cordy glared at me more in disgust than in fear. I dunno? Maybe that was a step up?
But that day was really the start of my salvation, the day I lost it in front of all of them. I just cried. I didn’t know what else to do. No one was TELLING me what to do, and I just didn’t know anymore. I don’t think they really knew at first either. Cordy was all for evisceration, I was all for agreeing. Angel was firmly in the ‘NO’ column. And as for the others? I never found out. Seems Angel gets the casting vote round here. Lucky ol’ me.
He let me wallow in my own shit for a couple of days, crying crap over all the things I had done, everything I was gonna do, how I was gonna make it up to everyone, a new me. Then just as I let myself get used to the comfort of his voice he ripped me from my sweat soaked sheets on the bed and told me to get the hell on with it. Told me the world wasn’t sat waiting for my apologies, it was still turning, life was still going on and there were people who needed me.
Yeah. I laughed too. Needed me? I don’t fucking think so.
He scowled a bit, all brooding menace, then he called me self-centred, may have used the word bitch. He said I lived my life like I thought the world ‘owed me something’. I figure he was right. I did feel like I got dealt a pretty shitty hand and damn right it pissed me off that I couldn’t just call ‘bum deal’ and start all over again. I DID get to call him a few new words I’d learnt in Juvie. And then he turned around and walked out on me.
It hurt worse than any blow he could have struck.
This was Angel. He NEVER gave up on me. Always saw that little bit extra that no one else had ever wanted. But now he as well was walking away. Turning his back to me. I figured I had two choices. I chose life. I got showered, I changed, I made my way down the stairs and I uttered my first apology. It wasn’t accepted. Not the first time. Cordy left the building muttering loudly about psycho’s and life insurance. Wes was too busy taking deep breaths to do much of anything else. Angel though, he smiled. Gave me a nod of his head and sent me out to kill two demons which had been causing havoc down at the harbour.
It was an easy kill. I had months of pent up fight in me just itching to go all ‘Ultimate Warrior’ on these guys, and slaying again? I felt like I had turned into a fucking cry baby. I just couldn’t help it. I ripped the last ones head off, collapsed amongst the oozing grey matter and let it all out. I didn’t even know why I was doing it… I mean, I won! And kinda easily as well. But then it made sense. THIS was what I was, who I was. The chosen girl in all the world. And I had turned my back on that. I shit all over it. But here I was, being allowed to try again, allowed to be a slayer.
At that moment it just about meant everything to me.
A couple of months later, Angel told me that he had followed me that night. To protect me if I needed it, to protect others if I lost it. He said that it was the moment that he became absolutely sure that I would make it. Had faith in me. I didn’t always share his confidence, but he had more than earned my trust, so I let myself believe him. Just a little.
When news of B’s death came, it was… a shock? Yeah. That’s right. A shock.
Well what do you want to hear? That I was struck down by an insurmountable grief? That I had always loved her? That a little piece of me had felt like it died right along with her?
Whatever.
Ya see the thing was that Buffy had already killed me. There wasn’t nothing left of me to die with her, cos I’d died for her a thousand times already. Sometimes, if I was lucky, it was just once a night, usually though it was more. And I knew what it all meant. I carried it around with me every minute of every fucking day, it was in the tired slump of my shoulders and the bloodshot red of my eyes. My burden to bear. My secret proof that no matter what Angel said, what anybody said, it could never be right. She would never forgive me.
So no. I didn’t cry when she died. I got the first proper nights sleep I’d had in ages. I slept like a baby. Funny thing is, I didn’t wake up feeling refreshed though. What a joke right? Without B now haunting my dreams at night, I just felt… I don’t know? Alone. Yeah. Like really. Alone.
Angel went to shit for a bit, but then what do you expect? He loved her. Loved her properly. I kept my head down. I really was ‘the only girl in all the world’ now and I was determined to make it count, to make me count. To do my share and hers. I even offered to go to the Hellmouth and help out there. Not a chance!!
I didn’t really expect one, but I had had to offer. I understand why they didn’t want me there, especially at that point. And then along came the crazy twist in the tale. Maybe the sting in it. They brought her back.
Yeah. It freaked me out too. I didn’t know you could even do THAT! Not without being all, I dunno, zombiefied or something. I guess Red really did get some power.
I sat up all night when I heard. Too scared to go to sleep. Scared that she would be there again, scared that she wouldn’t. Angel went to her of course, held her in his arms whilst I wrapped my own tight around myself. Tried to make it all go away. What did it all mean? Was her being back the final proof from the PTB that I wasn’t ever good enough. Could never be good enough? I was starting to wonder ya know.
I was still sat in the same place when Angel got back. Surrounded by the haze of tobacco smoke which had been my only companion during my lengthy vigil. I wanted him to take my silence, my lack of tears as indifference, instead he took me into his arms and offered whispered words of comfort. ‘She’s ok.’ But I wasn’t asking that. I was asking if I was ok, if I would ever just be ok?
As I leant my face into his chest it hit me. Kinda like a fucking 2 by 4 round the head. Her. Buffy. Her scent. I hadn’t been close to it in years, but now it was here. Slipping through my unmanned defences straight to the place it could hurt me the most. I reeled back from him. I admit it. I panicked. Everything… my whole life, every proof I’d ever needed that I was shit, it was right here, wrapping itself around me, tightening my chest. I couldn’t breathe, every slice of air was tainted with her now and I didn’t want any of it. Not a piece. I didn’t deserve peace. SHE was my proof of that.
I don’t remember too much of anything else from that night. Needless to say, Angel picked me up again, put me back together again. I acted like it had never happened. He let me forget.
That’s pretty much when the phone calls started. Not to me. Not then. But to Angel. And often.
I guess before you resurrect a girl, you really should make sure that she wants resurrecting… that the girl in question isn’t swanning it up, playing the harp in heaven. What a bitch right? Not B… I always knew she was getting the fluffy clouds and pearly gates… I mean the sitch. It’s gotta be hard. Being over… being done… and then? Well, and then ‘this’. Life. OUR life. I reckon it’s gotta feel like hell.
I wanna say that my heart went out to her. That I sympathised. But I didn’t. Not really, not then. I laughed.
I know. Cold. Heartless. Bitch. I can do all of them. But me and B? There’s a lot of shit there, and my first thought was joy, that finally I wasn’t the only one who’s life was drowning in crap.
The day that I picked up the phone to Dawn was the day it all changed;
“Angel Investigations, here to help the helpless… you helpless?”
Ok… so it wasn’t big on original, but I was manning the phones for fuck sake, it’s hardly brain science. The lack of answer accompanied by the girly snivelling told me that maybe helpless was right. I knew I’d make a good investigator yet.
“Erm… so lady… you gonna speak to me?”
I needed clues, this wasn’t helping. I had just about given in, was dropping the phone back into the cradle, when I heard it. My slayer fast reactions stopping me from cutting the call. It was a whispered ‘wait’. I was waiting.
Her voice when it came was barely audible. Breaking and shaking. Sounded pretty much like a little girl lost.
“I uh… wh…who’s this? I..is Angel there?”
“The big guy's out, but whatever it is, whatever’s wrong… maybe I can help?”
No… I wasn’t all Mother Theresa and giving a shit, but ya know..? It sounded like a kid and she was sounding pretty rough.
“Who is this?”
Her voice had got a little surer now, she wanted to know. And then I got it. The big light switch turned on in my head. I saw her flash before my eyes in a stark moment of recognition.
“Dawn?”
“You know me? Really… who IS this?”
I was too busy trying to work out in my head how old the girl from my newly formed memory was, to give the girl an answer. When she screamed down the phone she got my attention back!
“Jesus Dawnie… you trying to kill me?”
She laughed just a little then. “I don’t know… you still haven’t told me who it is!”
I think maybe I joined in the laughter. It was nervous laughter. I didn’t know whether to say ‘murdering psycho bitch’, or to just stick to ‘Faith’. Part of me wanted to hang up then and there, but I was curious. B’s little sister was on the phone crying to Angel. Maybe Buffy had died again? In the end I went with the short answer.
“It’s Faith.”
“Oh!… right… murdering psycho bitch Faith?”
Ya gotta love kids, they catch on real quick.
“The one and only.”
“Again… oh…” she went kinda quiet then, maybe reliving my former glory days. “…I didn’t know you were um… out?”
I filled her in quick about my short sentence, my staying with Angel. She cracked a funny about Angel taking helping the helpless to a new extreme. Then she pretty much rested on quiet again. I was guessing she wasn’t too keen on confiding in me, either that or she didn’t have B’s affection for the constant talking. I tried to reassure her, after all I was still curious.
“You can tell me Dawn, if ya need something, if something’s wrong… if something’s happened?”
I heard her breath hitch, mine hitched right along with it. I thought this was gonna be it, she was gonna spill, let it all out.
“It’s Buffy… she… she…” and then she stopped. Maybe it did sink in who she was talking to. “…just tell Angel I rang, ask him to call me..? Please?”
What could I do? I promised I would tell him as soon as he got back. I told her in empty tones that whatever it was? It would be ok. Shows how much I know. I said goodbye, she said goodbye. And I sat chewing on my nails waiting for Angel‘s return. Then I wanted answers. Needed answers.
Turns out that there were lots of calls from Sunnydale to L.A. Coping with Buffy’s rebirth was turning out to be way harder than dealing with her death. And little Dawn was baring the brunt of it. B was existing with her head up her own ass, detached, devoid, not giving a shit. The witches were playing un-happy families with Red going all loco over the magic, Giles had flown the coop and Xander was marrying a demon. An EX demon. Dawn was being left out in the cold. Feeling the need to talk to a re-ensouled vampire just to get the assurance that somebody cared. She didn’t know it… but we all did.
I could sympathise with Dawn.
I knew what it was like to feel young and alone. Vulnerable. Unloved and uncared for. More than that I knew what it was like to be overlooked by Buffy. Knew what that single unique pain could feel like. I guess in a funny way me and Dawn had a few things in common. She must have thought so too, cos after a while, those calls? Sometimes they were for me. At first I got a little kick out of it… I mean, Buffy Summers little sister, calling me for comfort. But then I started to wise up. This wasn’t about Buffy, not really… this was about a girl who was hurting, needing. And I wanted to help.
I pleaded my case to Angel to be allowed to go to the Dale. To let me get in their faces and scream at them about the kid that they were all neglecting. It was always the same answer… always a no. And I wasn’t ready to go against him. So I stayed on the end of the phone. I told her though… if she needed me, ever, day or night… I was there, I cared about her.
Now I just wish that I had been stronger. That I was as fearless as I liked to kid myself I was. I was a fucking coward!
I KNOW what it’s like to have the only voice in the world that you think cares about you come out disjointed and disembodied from the end of a telephone line. Still I let myself be reigned in. Let Angel feed the chicken shit in me with words like ‘too soon’. That me going there wouldn’t make things any better, would probably make them worse. I clung to those words and breathed a sigh of relief every single time that I hung up the receiver.
He was wrong of course and I hate myself for knowing that he would be.
The calls had started to drop off. They went from almost every night, to a couple of times a week, to me having to worry about the trauma of ringing her. I couldn’t risk it though. Couldn’t risk my sister slayer picking up the phone. So I sat about, and I worried and I waited. Even Cordy and Wes had started talking to me to find out how the youngest Summers girl was doing. It’s funny the things which bring people together. But that was just it, us miles away and caring wasn’t doing anything for Dawn.
I don’t know what sealed the deal for her. What made her finally give up on it all. Her last couple of calls had been listless affairs. Yes’s and no’s and not much else. A little bragging about the shit she had been getting up to. Cutting school, sneaking out, stealing. She said she didn’t care if she got caught. No one else cared. I said I did. Angel did. The whole gang did. We were too far away though. Too far to comfort.
She said she would call on Friday night. Red was going out, Buffy was always out, she’d be alone again. I said cool, I was always up for Dawn chat. Thing is though… it was all too easy to forget… what with my body ass deep in sewer shit and me fighting for my life. Kinda ironic that.
The message light on the machine cut short my elated return, Cordy pressed the button as we waited to hear. The first call had been right on schedule. Just about half past ten. She said she got loneliest then. Too early to go to bed, too late to go out. She sounded upset, asked for me to call when I got in.
The machine beeped again before I could react. Later now, half past eleven. It made me look up to the clock on the wall and register the time at one forty… making me wonder if it was too late to return calls. Her voice was lower now, “Please call me Faith… please?” I can still hear the words scraping against the insides of my head. An unanswered plea.
The last message beeped in at twenty after midnight. ‘Dawnie’s last goodbye.’ She was juiced… told me that it didn’t matter anymore, I didn’t have to worry, she’d sorted it, worked everything out. Would make it easier for everyone not to care, and then she said sorry.
And I guess I knew.
All of our eyes searched out the others. We all knew. Dawn had gotten sick of it all. Sick of life.
I remember the way it seemed like time froze. I couldn’t move, I felt so sick. Angel stood there stunned, Cordy the one to finally shout us out of it. Angel put the call through, he insisted it be him and I was in no place to disagree. We had to stand around and wait, try and piece together what we could from this end of the conversation.
Red was, I dunno, screeching, she sounded pretty hysterical. Soul boy was trying to calm her down and all I wanted to do was rip her fucking throat out. This wasn’t about her and her pain… this was about Dawn. Turns out she done the deed with pills and whisky, her only mistake being that she assumed no one would be coming home, that she would be alone, again. Buffy HAD remembered she had a sister though. Eventually. Had strolled in just after one and found Dawn passed out. Saw the whisky, thought she was drunk. Saw the pill bottle and called 911. What a hero.
That’s all Red could tell us then. We had to wait some more.
Buffy rang the next morning. Dawn was fine, everything was fine. Yeah? On what planet was that then? She was curious as to why Angel had been ringing at two in the morning to find out if Dawn was ok… found it kinda coincidental. Full marks to the big guy, he winged it pretty darn well. Maybe he didn’t think Buffy would like to hear whom her little sister had been confiding in. I didn’t really see that it mattered anymore. I was more than ready to get in Buffy’s face, I was pretty damn willing as well.
I only had to wait a couple of nights until I heard from Dawn again. All small voiced and contrite, whispering apologies. I wanted to chew her out, to smack her fucking hard around the head, slayer style. But I didn’t. I told her that she had scared me. That I cared a hell of a lot about her, didn’t want her to pull that shit on me again. I asked her to promise me.
She said ok. She said that she was hurting too, that she was scared. It ripped at me. Then she said sorry again and whispered the words that bring me to here. To now.
“Would you come Faith? Please? Would you come and see me?”
And I did what I should have done in the beginning if I hadn’t been such a fucking coward. I told her that I was coming. I promised. And that was the day before yesterday.
No one wanted me to go. Those same words kept popping up. ‘Too soon.’ In the end it pissed me off. Too soon? I said it was a good fucking job that I wasn’t too late. I think they got it, they left me alone. Wished me well.
And now I’m on a bus heading back to Sunnydale. I’ve got a carry-all, a back pack and a fucking soft toy! Yeah I know, Dawn’s a teenager, not some little kid. But ya know? I got knives as gifts when I was her age. I want her to have more, I figure she deserves more. And if she laughs at it? Well I figure that that’s ok too.
I don’t know what kinda reception I’m gonna get when I get there. Oh wait… yeah I do. I just don’t give a fuck. This ain’t about me, or B. Or anyone else. Just Dawn. I said I would be there and be there I shall.
Nothing else matters. Not anymore.
As soon as she had stepped off of the bus she made her way over to the apartment that Angel had sorted for her. He didn’t want her staying in another cheap motel, he insisted she’d come a long way since then and the thought of a whole place to herself had kept her from making an argument. The walk over freaked her out. Tracing long ago made steps through the centre of town, shadows reaching out in the form of taunting memories to remind her of her list of mistakes. Her whole life had gone to shit in this place, and it wasn’t joy she was feeling at being back. There was a whole lot of apprehension, maybe even something close to fear.
Settling herself in was easy enough. She opened a door to a closet and threw in her bag, tossed a couple of things into a drawer and stepped back to survey her home. It was nice. A little impersonal, but then she wasn’t planning on staying too long. Just long enough to be sure that Dawn was ok and that people had started taking proper care of her. She emptied the bag of cursory groceries she’d picked up on the way there and snagged a beer before placing the others in the fridge, she just needed something to take the edge off. To stop the buzzing in her head that hadn’t stopped since her arrival. It was almost too much. Being back.
And then it was time. The sun was starting to make its lazy journey down below the horizon, and she hoped that if she went now she could avoid bumping into Buffy. Wasn’t in any kind of mood to go there yet. She knew she would have to be at some point, but not now. She needed to find her feet again first, gain some kind of self assuredness about being back in town.
It was like déjà vu crossing the streets and walking the roads that led to Buffy’s house. Faith didn’t even need to think about where to place her feet, because they remembered. Every single time, every tread upon the tracks, they had mapped them all, maybe one day knowing that they would be walking the same path again.
As she stood looking up at the house looming before her, every instinct was telling her to run, telling her she didn’t need this, wasn’t ready for this, would never be ready for this. But she beat it back, recognised it for the coward it was and took the last steps to her destination, raised her hand and knocked on the door. She tried to tell herself she wasn’t shaking. That it didn’t matter. She was only here to see Dawn.
Inside the house things were a picture of calm. Willow was at the table in the kitchen deeply entrenched in research, fingers banging out heartily on the keyboard in front of her. A cup of hot chocolate to her side, and the phone right next to her elbow so she could make a call if necessary. Buffy was at work and Dawn was sequestered away in her room. She’d been skittish all day and Willow had finally begged her to go take a rest, try and work some calm into those jumpy little bones of hers. She didn’t know why Dawn was so excitable, guessed that maybe she was just really thankful that the booze and pills hadn’t done the intended job.
She still couldn’t believe that Dawn had done it. Sure things had been… hectic? But things were always hectic, it didn’t mean they wouldn’t work out in the end. Maybe it was just too much though. Losing her mom, her sister, Tara leaving… and yes, Buffy was back, but most of the time it was like they shouldn’t have even bothered. Sure, the demon population was under control, Sunnydale was safe from the night time nasties, but apart from that..? Everyday things… just living..? Buffy was no where to be seen.
She was sure things would be different now though. Buffy had broken down at the hospital, shown some real feelings for the first time in ages, had wondered aloud at what life had become. About what SHE had become. Willow wasn’t altogether sure what she had meant with those words… what meaning lay behind them and she didn’t think it was the time for questions… but she had held her, had assured her it would be ok. They would look after Dawn better, do everything better.
Everything had just been so fucked up lately. EVERYTHING!
Herself and Tara was now just herself. She had pushed using magic to the extreme, pushed Tara to the extreme as well, right up until she had left her… and even then it wasn’t enough. She had found in herself the need to push more, to try more, to have more, to want more. She had wanted it all, got lost in the power. Lost in the need. And then it had all come crashing down around her. Almost killing Dawn in the process.
She berated herself over and over for her own actions which had contributed to Dawn’s downfall. The lack of caring. Putting her own needs so far in front of a girl who was like a sister to her, always had been. She would make up for it now though. She meant what she had said to Buffy at the hospital. They WOULD look after Dawn better. They had to.
The sound of knocking at the door caused her to look up from the computer screen. It wasn’t often they had people come over that needed to knock. Everyone who counted knew to walk right in, had a key, even Spike had taken to walking in whenever he darn well felt like it. She was just raising herself up when Dawn came barrelling down the stairs screaming her need to get to the door first. As if maybe she was expecting someone. It made Willow past curious, was Dawnie keeping secrets?
“Hey what’s the rush? Buffy said you’re to take it easy and I don’t wanna have to be calling her and telling her you’re being bad!”
“Cos she’ll rush right home and give me a talking to right?” The younger girl raised her eyebrows in a ‘Cos we both know that’s never gonna happen’ kinda way and carried on her advance to the door. She knew who was behind it, had invited the girl there herself. She knew that it would piss everyone off, but she didn’t care anymore. That no one cared about her had become quite apparent, she’d even stopped caring about herself for a while, but the other night had scared her. Being that close to death wasn’t as romantic as she had envisioned it to be. She’d watched too many movies, seen too many scenes of the tragic heroine trapped in beauty as she breathed her last breath.
It hadn’t been like that for Dawn. She’d felt sick, her head had been swimming, round and around, she’d been shaking and sweating and then nothing. Reality had come crashing back with a tube being forced into her stomach, the feel of her throat constricting, bright lights shining into her eyes. And then Buffy.
Buffy’s eyes had been cold. Dawn’s first thought was that she was angry, but then it had made sense. She was jealous. Jealous that she hadn’t got the balls to do what Dawn had done. To end all the bullshit. Then she had cried, explained how she hadn’t jumped of the tower to save Dawn only to have that thrown back in her face. Asked why Dawn hadn’t spoken to her. Hadn’t come to her if things were that bad. If she felt that lost.
The fact that Buffy hadn’t stayed at the hospital longer than was absolutely necessary, the fact she hadn’t once put her hand to her face and told her that it would all be ok. That was why she had not turned to her. Buffy wasn’t there for her. Hadn’t been there since she had been gone. No one was there. Not until Faith. And now Faith was here.
She didn’t care what the others said, because at that moment she needed someone in her corner, someone going to bat for her, and she thought that Faith would be it. She knew she had changed, had spoken to her more than enough to know, had spoken to Angel more than enough to know… and she trusted her. Trusted that she would make it better.
As the knocking at the door became louder and more insistent she flashed Willow one more look to signal her disdain and swung back the barrier with a firm smile affixed to her face.
“You came! You really came!”
“Of course I came, I said I would didn’t I?”
The dark haired slayer flashed a genuinely warm smile at Buffy’s young sister, she swallowed her fear at being there and tried to fix her attention on the girl in front of her. She couldn’t help her eyes from wandering though, from trying to sneak their way around Dawn and catching a glimpse of what might be awaiting her.
“It’s okay Faith, you’re safe, the wicked witch isn’t here.” Faith laughed at that, she’d never thought of Buffy like a wicked witch before, a wicked bitch yeah, but not the witchy kind.
“That’s a relief, I was hoping to stay in one piece a little while longer.”
“You could take her anyway, you always were better.”
“Compliments are nice Kiddo, but I got the scar that proves otherwise.” She made a quick motion to her stomach, almost embarrassed to draw attention to the time before. The time when she most definitely was not better. “So what’s the what? Am I getting an invite in?”
“I’ve been warned about inviting people in after sunset Faith, it REALLY pisses Buffy off when I don’t do what she says…” She paused a moment and offered a sorrowful look in the direction of her visitor. “…I guess you’d better come in then, right?”
They both laughed as Faith crossed the threshold for the first time in ages. She was happy to be there for Dawn, but nervous as fuck about being there at all. Everything was the same, just as she remembered it. It smelt the same, it felt the same, and for a minute she had to stop herself from tearing back out of the door she had just stepped foot through.
“Hey, are you ok? You look kinda spazzy.”
“Huh..? No, I’m fine… just… this is weird, I never figured… I never thought I’d be back here. In this house.”
Dawn looked her in the eye and offered her sentiment. “Thank you. For being here, I mean. I know it’s hard, and I shouldn’t have asked… it just…”
“Don’t even mention it, ok kid?” She knocked the girl's shoulder lightly with her fist. “I’m uh… ‘pleased’ to be here, alright. Just remember Dawn, I fucked a lot of things up here, not everyone’s gonna be too pleased to see me…”
“You got that right! What the hell are YOU doing here?” Willow had nearly doubled over in shock when she had come to investigate whom Dawn was talking to. Anyone. Anyone but her. As if everything wasn’t going to shit enough as it was… they didn’t need Faith here. Had never needed Faith here. “You wanna explain this one Dawnie?”
She turned to face her young charge, Buffy would freak when she found out, Willow was kinda hoping that maybe Faith would leave before that became an issue. Or maybe she could do a spell on her. A real nifty spell where she would vanish from before their eyes, all puffy clouds and special effects!
Dawn though stood her ground, squared her shoulders and turned to face the red head. “She’s here because I asked her to come. Because for the last few months no one except HER has even cared that I exist… and I don’t care what you say. What ANY of you say!”
“I’m calling Buffy!”
“I DON’T CARE!”
“Look… maybe I should go..?”
“No!”
“YES!”
Faith’s head was twisting and turning between the two. Both the girls had turned to look at her and she felt naked beneath a spotlight. Willow’s glare was unmistakably hostile, whilst Dawn was looking at her with something close to pleading. Asking perhaps for someone to stand on her side. Stand up for her. She took a deep breath, ready to face the music.
“Well… I suppose now I’m here I may as well stay for a bit. Got any soda Red?”
The witches face was a picture. Of horror mostly. “A soda… YOU want a soda?”
“Well I heard you’re all out of whisky.” She shot Willow a pointed look, one which told her she knew everything that had gone on recently, was here because of it, and was staying till it was dealt with.
“Dawn. I really don’t think this is a good idea…” Willow moved a step back from Faith as she spoke the next words. “…don’t get me wrong sweetie, I know you need someone to talk to, someone to care… but Faith… well Faith isn’t quite…” She ran her eyes over the dark slayer, remembered the feel of cold steel against her neck, the hate which had long since burned for her in her gut. “…normal… or sane… and I’m pretty sure the women’s correctional facility up in LA are just gonna love hearing that she’s gone all AWOL.”
“Try getting your facts straight Red, I was only ever in Juvie, been out for months…”
“What?”
“It’s true Will, ask Angel… she’s been staying with him, everyone there knows that she’s better… that she’s changed.”
The red head scoffed, she couldn’t believe that the girl would ever change. She remembered too well everything she had done. She had killed someone for crying out loud, more then one someone, had betrayed them all, sided with evil… and sure she felt maybe a little bit hypocritical, had herself messed around with some stuff that wasn’t strictly ‘good’… but this was Faith. And Buffy was gonna freak!
“I think you should leave Faith…” She was trying to steer Dawn by the shoulders away from the Psycho Slayer, she knew that any minute Faith would take advantage of the situation, would probably have them both at knife point. Maybe dead. “…Buffy’ll be back REALLY soon… and you know, she’s not too keen on unannounced visitors… or murderers, back stabbing bitches…”
“What about people that completely fucking neglect their little sisters, huh?”
Faith could see the hate that was pouring in her direction from the other girl. She didn’t care for it, knew most of it was deserved, but still… her only concern at the moment was Dawn.
“You don’t know anything about what’s been going on around here Faith, just go… I… I mean it!” She tried to look as intimidating as she could. If only she could use magic everything would be fine. But she couldn’t. Shouldn’t even be thinking it.
“No! Don’t go!” Dawn turned to face Willow, pulled herself up to full height. “…you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t see, who is and isn’t my friend!” Now she turned back to Faith, pleaded with her eyes. “Please, don’t go yet. Come in the kitchen and get that soda… Buffy won’t really be home for ages, she’s working tonight, ok?”
The girl considered her options. She did wanna stay, it was pretty much the whole point of her being there… but antagonising Willow? She hadn’t really wanted to do that. It would help if she could make a couple of allies in the camp, people that could see past the past and realise that she wasn’t about that anymore. Truly was here for Dawn. Cared about Dawn.
“Maybe a quick soda, but then I gotta shoot…” She saw the young girl's face crumple into a frown. “…but I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise.”
“Buffy is so gonna freak… in fact I’m gonna call her… now, I’m gonna call her now and tell her and she is so gonna freak.”
“Take a chill pill Red, really… what’s the worst right? I’m gonna go through, have a soda, and then I’ll be gone. Just give the kid a break.”
Willow returned her eyes to Dawn, she did want the girl to be happy… but… but FAITH?! Half of her still couldn’t believe that she was standing there brazen as anything as if being there was the most natural thing in the world. The other half was believing that she was there and telling her feet to move as fast away from her as was possible.
“I don’t like this… I don’t like it one bit Dawnie, and Buffy is probably gonna kill me… but fine. One soda, and then she’s gone… and she shouldn’t come back. You now how Buffy’s been… let’s just try and cut out the trauma ok?”
“Cos it’s ALWAYS about Buffy’s trauma!” Dawn grabbed hold of Faith’s hand and pulled her through to the kitchen, muttering all the way. “Sorry bout that Faith, maybe I should of warned them you were coming, but then I thought maybe you wouldn’t come or they wouldn’t let you come, and I really did want you to…”
“Slow down kid, I’m here right? And no one tells me what to do. Or no one round here anyway, Angel gets a bit bossy sometimes, Cordy all the time… but don’t worry. I’ll stay as long as ya need me to.”
“Thanks… it’s kinda weird to have someone here for me… since mom… ya know?” She didn’t elaborate. Didn’t need to. She still missed her so much. Always.
“I do know. And I am here.” She gave the girl a friendly ruffle of hair and laughed at the look she got.
“I’m NOT five you know… you can’t do that to someone over five!”
Faith reached out and did it again. “Can’t I?”
“No!”
So she reached out and did it again.
“Faith! I’m warning you…”
Willow listened in from outside the door. It was strange hearing Dawn’s laughter. Hearing laughter of any kind. For a second she had to wonder… maybe this would be good, maybe Faith HAD changed..? But she couldn’t believe it. Wasn’t prepared to believe it.
She did decide not to call Buffy though. It wasn’t worth worrying her at work, and it wasn’t like she could just rush home and run Faith out of town. That would have to wait until tomorrow. Then they could all get together and run her out of town. Give them a purpose. They sure as heck needed it.
Researching nerds was boring and Faith could be just the distraction needed to get everyone focused again.
Faith POV.
Well that wasn’t so bad. On a scale of one to ten it has to be a pretty high score. I figured I’d be lucky to make it out alive, and yet I came through without one scratch. A bit of a verbal beating from the ‘real’ wicked witch, but nothing I can’t handle or that I don’t deserve.
Dawn was a lot better than I thought she would be. She was all perky and jumpy and just like a mini version of her older sister. Heaps taller though. Maybe the monks that made her have a thing for leggy brunettes? They didn’t do a bad job, full marks I’d say.
It still gave me a moment of weirdness every time I thought about her not existing before last year… I mean, she’s real. Really, real. I wanted to reach out and poke her every few minutes just to check, but man… that girl is pure flesh and bones. Only in Sunnydale, right?
I didn’t know what to do once I split the place, I was hungry as hell and dying to slay. I didn’t know if I dared to though. What if she was slaying, what if we ran into each other? I know it’s coming, and soon… but I don’t think I want the first time she sees me to have any kind of weapon involved. She might be packing an axe, or a cross bow… hell, even stakes leave splinters and I’m pretty sure she’d be willing to use them.
I decided to lay low, just do a real quick sweep across the outer cemeteries, if I remembered right then these were the ones without much action anyway and Buffy spent less time in these ones then the ones further into town. I figured I’d slay, then I’d eat and then I’d rest. I was pretty sure I’d need all my energy for tomorrow.
The damn slaying was a bust. Nothing, not a hint of a nasty. Frustrated the fuck outta me. All I wanted was one little playmate, one little moment of tension release, one puff of dust as the world was set to rights. But nope. I called it quits and hunted food. Ended up outside the Double Meat Palace. Man I hated that place!! It was cheap as shit though, and the burgers did taste a little better than actual shit. At least I assumed they did.
I was all busy trying to grab some change out of the tight pockets of my even tighter jeans when I made my way through the door, didn’t need to look up for a menu, just walked a path to the counter and mumbled out my order.
“Give us a burger yeah? Couple of orders of fries?”
The crash kinda made me think that something was wrong. It shattered the otherwise virtual silence of the depressing interior and made me wonder if I was gonna have to fight for my supper. I didn’t mind, working up an appetite was good. I wasn’t prepared though. For what I saw when I raised my eyes. Who I saw.
I never laughed so hard in my fucking life!
Maybe it was shock, maybe it was a little cover for my fear, maybe it was pure disbelief… mostly though I think it was the damn stupid hat she was wearing on her head. It was classic. Cow’s head, chicken’s ass. Nice. Perfect.
It didn’t stay laughter for long though. It pretty quickly evolved into cursing, but then SHE started that.
“What the HELL are you doing here?”
I went for the obvious. The truth. “Came for a burger B, you gonna cook one up for me?”
She was seething. I could see the confusion in her eyes, the venom dripping from her mouth as she went to speak again. “Get out! Get out of here, and get the fuck out of my town!”
“Hey… that’s not nice B, you don’t wanna cause a scene… you could lose your job…” I motioned my hands around me encapsulating the whole of the fast food joint. “…and I kinda like it here you know? It’s definitely you, very ‘Buffy’.”
I was pushing it, but I didn’t care. I was so pissed at her. Years worth of pissed and now a whole lot more to add to the mix. Time had doused the fire which I’d learnt to call hate, but I still had issues with her. Wouldn’t let her know how much she intimidated me. How much just standing before her eyes made me wither on the inside. Made me half of who I was at any other time.
I could see her body as it went it taut before me, imagined her muscles winding up to attack. I remembered exactly how it felt. In a sudden rush of absolute clarity I could remember the feel of her skin on my skin, the rush of blood through my veins anytime she ever touched me. It almost made me want it. Made me wanna drop to my knees and beg her to beat the shit outta me. Anything to feel her hands on my body, to taste the only kind of kisses she had ever given me. I didn’t though. I stepped back a pace, I opened my stance out in front of her and let her know I was willing if she was. Threw defiance into my posture instead of pleading. Either way the results were the same. She bit. She always did. I knew exactly where her buttons were, I had made it my job to know.
She was over the counter in seconds, pushing herself up into my face, hands grabbing purchase on the front of my jacket. Her hate was pouring from her mouth in a string of curses, words meant to hurt, meant to injure… but I didn’t hear one of them. Was locked into her eyes, trying to see what was wrong. What was missing. Cos that bitch looked kinda dead. Everything she was throwing at me, all the tension in her body, the poison in her words… and her eyes were as hollow as she made me feel. It was freaky, surreal.
If she hadn’t landed a perfect punch to my jaw at that moment I maybe would’ve guessed I was dreaming the whole thing. But she did, and I ended up with my ass on the floor. A scowl on my face.
“Fuck B… for a welcome that’s pretty crappy, even coming from you.”
“Coming from me? Have you listened to a word I just said..?”
No.
“…do you understand what I’m saying?…”
Again with the no.
“…I want you out of here, I don’t know why you’re here, I don’t CARE why you’re here… I just want you gone. I swear Faith… you get in my face? I so much as see your face again, I will beat you…”
“…to death, right B? That’s the same old line I see, not spiced up the routine with new material.”
She went to land a kick to my body as I sat on the floor, but I’m a slayer too remember? Before she even knew it I had swept her legs and found her a comfy seat right next to mine. I didn’t stay to fraternise though, I flipped myself up to standing and rested the heel of my boot against her chest. I was panting from just that little exertion, it really was such a rush… I didn’t know if I should thank her?
I could feel her start to struggle and sought out her eyes. “Just quit B, we’re not doing this. Not now.” But I could see her getting ready to bust her next move, knew she was gonna go for my leg, upend me, steal my advantage back for herself. I couldn’t let that happen, my pride was begging me not to let it happen.
I increased the pressure just for a moment, could see the brief flash of pain as it crossed her face, used the leverage to push myself back. Out of reach. Out of her reach.
In a instant she was standing before me. The red of her uniform matching the flushed heat of her cheeks. She was so pissed. And to me it felt great. I can’t explain it, or I don’t wanna explain it… but it was so strong. So intense. The waves of disgust were rolling from her body, encasing me within them, caressing every part of me that was on show to her, even some parts that weren’t. I could feel it deep down, letting me know, making me sure. She still gave a shit. She could tell me I was nothing a thousand times over, but her reactions were saying something else. There was no way I was nothing to her, and at that moment it was enough.
I had been so scared. Terrified. My private fear. My biggest fear.
I thought she might have forgotten me. Might have forgotten the power that we had over each other, the intensity which every moment had ever held for us. I thought she might have forgotten how to feel it. Dawn had told me, filled me in on how she was all ‘Miss Unemotional’ nowadays. Like she’d never really dragged herself from her own grave. Was still dead. But this proved wrong. Cos I could hear the steady thumping of her heart, could see the fire I was making course through her system… and now it was there in her eyes. Something.
I wanted to pounce on her. Wanted to beat the answers from that tight little body of hers. Make her mouth say the words. But she didn’t give me a chance. Made me doubt I’d seen anything in the first place.
As she stepped back from me her voice turned fire quickly into ice, brittle and cold, totally devoid. “Just stay away from me Faith…” Then she did the worst. She turned her back on me. “…I don’t want anything from you.”
What?
I didn’t remember offering her anything. Maybe a damn good ass kicking, but then I figure she deserves that. Not for me… don’t worry, I may be pissed at her, but I know which one of us is more likely to want revenge, and it ain’t me. I fucked her over good and proper, I may have had reasons… stupid reasons… but I was wrong. No, I meant for Dawn. I figure she deserves one for that.
I watched her walk through the door marked employee, watch her throw glares at the school kids working with her and I watched her take up her position behind the counter. I was torn. Fucking confused as well. She had spoken a foreign language to me, I was sure of it. Cos I had heard one thing in her tone… a total lack of anything, but her words said something else, something I wasn’t sure I understood. Thought maybe I’d like to.
Now though I had to walk away. She had closed the door on me, I did understand that much… I gave her one final glance, saw her looking back at me, vacancy in her eyes, something missing. I looked at the floor and spotted it. Her cap, ass in the air, cow kissing the ground. It really was a work of beauty and I was tempted to keep it for myself, but no… it was Buffy’s, I had to return it.
I picked it up, tossed it in the air and twirled it on my finger. Don’t ask where the cockiness came from, maybe from her words?
“Hey B… your hat?” I held it out to her across the counter, waited with straining chest to see what she would do, what she would say.
“Oh… right…” I saw her flush with embarrassment as she considered the offending article, imagined the horror of having to wear one everyday. Just for a second she forgot it was me, forgot it was her and me… and she offered me a half smile, a slight raise of eyebrow… included me in her life. Told me with a glance just how much she did hate this, how much it pained her to have to come here everyday and flip burgers for a living. “…thank you.”
As she touched the rim of the cap her fingers brushed against mine. Cold hard contact. Skin on skin. I don’t know who jumped back furthest or fastest, but I know we both jumped. Both felt it. I’d read about it before, the electricity in someone’s touch… but it was bullshit right? No, it wasn’t. That bitch zapped me and I damn well figure I zapped her back too. Crazy fucking static. It must’ve been from the rolling around on the cheap lino flooring.
It seemed though to remind her who I was. And you can bet the steel was back in her eyes, the hatred plain on her face.
“Get out, and stay out. I don’t want to see you Faith. Just go away.”
Nice speech. I wondered whether to tell her I’d see her tomorrow. I mean we hadn’t even started in on the Dawn crap yet, and I wanted answers, changes, I wanted Dawn loved. It was the reason, after all, that I was there. Right?
I wasn’t so sure anymore either and it scared me.
I made my way out of that place and thanked the Gods for fresh air. It stank so gross in there and I had to imagine B spent most of her waking hours smelling like… I don’t know… putrid offal? Nice. Totally hot.
Then I went to think and to drink. Perfect combination. Way better than cows and chicken.
I swear I thought I had come here just for Dawn, didn’t think I’d ever have even bothered coming back here again if it wasn’t for Dawn… but I don’t know. There were feelings tonight, something more than a memory… I thought that was long dead, truly thought B’s only purpose now was to haunt my conscience, make me strive to be the better person I always wish I’d been. But now? Now I was fucking confused.
I wanted to drink her out of my system. Infuse myself with alcohol rather than Buffy Summers.
Thankfully the beers in my fridge were cold and I had a nice bottle of Jack to keep them company. I counted the cracks in the ceiling as I willed my brain to reach fuzzy, sought to find the stop button for all of my emotions. I knew I had one, had found it before with the help of Buffy. Only now it was choosing to go missing. Nothing able to stop me from feeling.
I drank more and more. Eventually I rang Angel to tell him of my day, slurred my distress down the wire to him. At least proving that phone calls to LA would still be frequent, even if it was someone new looking for assurances, for guarantees that somebody cared. He did the best he could, asked if I needed him to swing by, maybe one of the others..? But I said no. I was ready to stand on my own two feet. Or rather I hoped I was.
I knew he was worried, I was worried too. Tonight had been too many emotions, too many questions, too much of everything. Part of me could feel the feelings from long ago… but that was just it, it wasn’t only the good feelings… the way it was when we were close, when she let herself be mine… but also the bad feeling.
There was a part of me that still wanted to hurt her, to cause pain just to make her feel me. And that was scaring the hell out of me. I didn’t wanna be that person anymore, I never wanted to be that person again.
Faith POV.
I’m never drinking again. Fuck it. I’m never opening my eyes again. I raise my hand to my head and wipe the crusted hair from my face, it’s nasty, it smells of vomit and whisky and brings vague recollections of my evening spent hugging the toilet bowl. I didn’t plan to get so wasted, I planned to dull the pain. I guess this kinda pain takes a lot of dulling, right?
After speaking to Angel I finished what drink I had here, making slayer fast work of the beers and Jack, but I could still remember. Remember the way she looked at me, the hate, the venom… the seconds that she showed me something else. Hope resting on half smiles and quirking eyebrows. It’s just so pathetic.
I don’t wanna have hope. Don’t want wishes. I just want to know what it’s like to stand before her and not feel like everything, my world, revolves around her. I thought I had it beat. LA was my friend. I managed to push the sensations away with the memories of her words, the knowledge that I was now nothing to her making it easy to disregard the things I knew deep down in my soul. She blew it all away in seconds.
As soon as I raised my eyes I was sure.
I had imagined the moment, the one when I would lay my sights on her again, and it had always been hard. Always been empty. I imagined I’d pass her in a street one day, middle of fucking nowhere… and she’d look, and she’d shake her head. And she’d walk right on by. And I’d keep walking too. Wouldn’t care, wouldn’t glance back. But it didn’t happen like that, didn’t feel like that.
I was praying for her to jump the counter, to know I meant that much at least, that I was worth taking the time to beat the crap out of. I didn’t think she’d do it… not really. Must be like I said, I DO know how to push her buttons.
What a proud boast.
I run my hand up to my jaw to check whether she did any lasting damage. It’s a little sore, but then her punch is like a fucking sledgehammer! I’m hoping no bruising, no-one ever managed to bruise me up like B did. Pissed me off more than once. Same as it would piss me off if she’d bruised me now. Maybe when I open my eyes I’ll see.
Where was I? Oh yeah… I drank all that shit to make me forget the things which seeing her had made me remember, but it didn’t work. I went out for more, a whole fucking lot more. The jerk in the store didn’t wanna serve me, then I showed him the dollar. Money talks. I had more whisky than a boatload of sailors could drink in a month, and I damn well drank the lot! Hence the vomiting, so maybe not such a good idea.
It numbed the skull though. I rang Angel again, I think I freaked him out. I do that sometimes when I let my mouth run away. He doesn’t like hearing about my Buffy hang ups, calls them obstacles I need to get past. I explained what I’d like to do with whipped cream and Buffy. That’s when he went quiet. I didn’t mean what I said when I mentioned putting the nozzle actually up there and squirting… but I was drunk! I think he’s gonna send one of the others to keep an eye on me.
It’s like being told you need a baby sitter.
Maybe he’ll send Wes. That’d be a blast. The guy still can’t look at me for too long without sweating. It makes me feel so bad and I’ve apologised for ever… but I scare him. It sucks. Time was I would’ve probably gotten off on that. In fact I know I would have. Now it makes me feel like crap.
Cordy would be funny. It’d be like a double shake up of the Scoobs. Imagine poor Xander facing not only me but Cordy as well? Maybe I should ring Angel and request it? SHE’S not scared of me. Maybe a little wary, but she knows me a bit better now, I let her know me a bit better. I don’t wanna hurt people, I never wanted to really hurt people, I just got lost for a while there… she gets that. She’s never said she forgives me, but then I never asked. She just lets me share her space without scowling all the time and bitching at me. I think she likes having another chick around. I mean… Fred’s cool… but she’s… different.
I tried to buy her a burger once, she went nuts. Something about cows. I asked Cordy and she said something about she used to BE a cow. I can’t picture it, she’s really kinda cute, but maybe she was? Cordy wasn’t really speaking to me then, was still cowering in my presence, so I never got the elaboration.
I got out pretty much when she got here. From the farmyard maybe? Angel did his Buffy grief and went to shit, which left Fred the only person who’d really speak to me. Not that she spoke much. She wrote a lot, on the walls and stuff. I just used to sit there wondering where she came from and whether the numbers on the walls meant anything to anyone other than to her.
Wes liked to pretend he got it, but he looked as confused as me.
Maybe he’ll send Gunn. Someone who hasn’t got a past with these people. He’s cool. I had to put him on his ass a couple of times, he wasn’t so sure that a girl could possibly be as strong as I professed… but I showed him. And now we hang. His easy, doesn’t wanna get in my bullshit, just takes me as I am.
We got down and dirty once. Pretty much after I put him on his ass. That boy was as fluid as chocolate syrup pouring over my body… it was awesome, hot, but you know me. Not so much about the long term. He took it well. I think he got a little misty eyed, but then I am a revelation. He bought me a beer, whipped my ass at pool. We healed.
The pressure in my bladder is begging that I take a piss, but I’m still not so keen on the moving. Maybe if I could do it without opening my eyes.
My whole body feels like it wants to die as I lift myself from the sheets. The grounds a little sway-y and I have to steady myself before I walk. It really is a fucking trauma. NEVER drinking again. Not today, that’s for sure.
I’ve left a pretty gross mess on the floor in the bathroom, seems my aim suffers when I’m in the process of emptying the contents of my stomach. Who would’ve thought it. I know I’m not gonna enjoy clearing that shit up. Makes me wish I had gone for hotel… had room service and a maid.
The last thing I feel like doing now is going to see B. Even the whisper of it in my mind is enough to have me freezing from the apprehension. Last night was screwed. There is no way of knowing what seeing her today will be like. Maybe she WILL beat me. Maybe I’ll let her. Gotta be worse ways of taking some pain. But then maybe she’ll give me a chance.
Maybe seeing me has spun her pretty little head out as much as it has mine. It’s got to have made her think, just a little, right? Even that tiny exchange was charged with something, and not just the static, but the thing that makes the static, that connection. Call it chemistry. We always had it. And it was still fucking there, making me crazy. Making her crazy?
Maybe she’ll listen to me. Listen to what I have to say about Dawn. Tell me what’s wrong, tell me if I can make it better. I’d probably do anything to make it better. Just tell me.
I have to fucking laugh at that one. Like I could ever make anything better for her… lets take a look at the track record… Hmmmm… whatever. But maybe I can help make things better for Dawn. I’ve gotta be able to get something right.
I’m gonna take a shower, get my wits about me and head on over there. I’m not waiting for sundown today, I want to bump into Buffy. I want to know what happens next. If anything happens next. I’ll put a call into Angel as well, let him know which of the gang I want him to send. It can only be a good thing having someone on my side, and I know that they’ll be on my side AND I know they won’t take any shit, not from anyone. This place needs that. It’s always been so full of shit.
My nerves from the day before have been replaced by something else, something which feels a damn sight worse than nerves. It feels like my insides are twisting around and around and I swear I’m gonna be sick again any minute. That’ll piss her off. Bet she’d make me clean it up before she kicked my ass.
I’m trying so hard to make myself knock on the door that I end up banging louder than could ever be necessary. It makes me jump back, proving just how on edge I am.
At least it doesn’t take long for the door to crack open, just a little at first and then the whole way. There she is. The one that’s been making me question everything about myself, everything about us. She’s got her hair down and I notice it’s been cut pretty short, shorter than I’ve ever seen it. Looks pretty adorable and I wanna say it. I dare not though. Her eyes have retained all their steel from yesterday and I know that she’s not standing there waiting for compliments. I could give them though. Could tell her how god damn beautiful she is.
“I thought I told you yesterday. I don’t want to see you.”
That’s a good start. No overt hostility.
“I’m not here to see you B, I told Dawn I’d swing by, I don’t wanna disappoint.”
The look she gives me makes me wish I hadn’t used them words. I can see all her disappointment and I can feel the start of the same old story. This is gonna go the same old way. She’s gonna curse, I’m gonna curse and then we’ll probably hurt each other some. I wish she’d learn how to get bored of it all.
“What makes you think that I’d ever let you see my sister?”
She does look genuinely intrigued so I try to think of a valid answer.
“Because this isn’t about you… this is about Dawn, she wants to see me, and if you care about what she wants then you’ll let her.”
I didn’t mean to make her laugh. My comedy was always a little off the wall, but I couldn’t see the joke in that. I was trying to be honest.
“You really expect me to believe that this isn’t about me? That this isn’t another sick and twisted way for you to fuck me over?” She pauses for a moment and I can see the hate flashing in her eyes again. “I KNOW you Faith, and I know what you’re about. I won’t let you do this to me again.”
“Get off your high horse B…” Now I have to laugh a little. “…you really do think everything’s always about you.”
“I think it’s time you left.”
“I think it’s time you told Dawn I was here.”
“Don’t push me Faith.”
It was tempting. Just a little push.
“You know I’m not leaving until you tell her I’m here.”
“And you can tell that to the officer that they send round when I call for the police.”
“Aw come on B… surely you know I got a thing for guys in uniform? That kinda talk just makes me hot, makes me wanna hang around longer.”
I really wasn’t leaving without seeing Dawn. I didn’t care who she called.
She pushed a little disgust into her tone, I was used to it. “I see you’re still a slut then Faith, nice to know things don’t change.”
Oh come on? I hadn’t got laid in ages! I almost told her that, figured it wasn’t worth the effort.
“And I see you’re still a bitch… it IS oddly comforting.”
“Why won’t you just go away? I don’t want you here, I don’t need you here…”
“And this isn’t about YOU!”
I was starting to get a little agitated. Brick and Wall came to mind. It was like talking to one, and I kinda wanted to smash my head against one too.
Before she could answer we could hear the footsteps coming down the stairs… she looked like she might close the door, I put my hand up, pushed it further open.
“Dawn! You’re up, great… wanna hang?”
At least I could make one Summers girl’s eyes light up with my presence.
“Hey Faith, I was wondering when you’d get here. Love to hang.”
She went to grab her coat and found her way barred by Buffy. They had a two second tug of war before Buffy yanked the thing clean from her hands.
“You’re not going out Dawn, you know what the doctor said…” She was speaking so matter of fact to her, no wonder the kid felt a little in the cold. “…you’re kinda grounded as well. At least until you’re fifty.”
“You can’t ground me!”
“I just did!”
Dawn looked to me then, I dunno… you could see her frustration, that inability to have any effect on your own existence. I knew where she was coming from. Totally different sitch, but the feelings the same. When you can’t control the everyday things that’s when it starts going to shit, ya start looking for things you can control. Make some bad decisions.
“Look B…” she does turn to look and I forget what I want to say. For a second she looks so tired, so fucking exhausted… and I wonder. Maybe she feels a little lost too.
“What?”
I shake my head to clear it and focus on the kid again, make myself remember my point.
“Can’t you just cut her some slack? I’ll stay here ok? We’ll hang out in the yard…”
“So now you want me to invite you in?”
“I’ll invite her in…” Dawn looks at me and smirks. “…come on in Faith.”
You have to admire the girl, she’s got herself some balls. Doesn’t look to be impressing Buffy though and I prepare myself to duck and cover.
“Get back up stairs Dawn…” her voice lets us know that she isn’t messing. But Dawn’s face isn’t messing either. “…Faith is not, and never will be, welcome here.”
“Yes she is!”
“No Dawn, she isn’t.”
“Oh for fucks sake B!…” Now she looks back at me like she had forgotten I was even there. “…really, what do you think I’m gonna do? Throw her over my shoulder and steal her away? Have you HEARD her scream?”
I tried to keep it light, tried to get Buffy to see past the aggro.
“Was that meant to be funny?”
“I THOUGHT it was funny!”
“DAWN!”
This is going nowhere. I don’t wanna leave, I really want to spend a little time with the girl, chat some. Just chill. But Buffy isn’t easing up. She’s starting to look more pissed off and I figure Dawn’s gonna be the one that has to suffer. Maybe I should just back off?
“Look… this is dumb…” I take a step back to telegraph my plans. “…I’m just gonna head, I dunno Dawn… maybe I can catch you after school, tomorrow?”
“Did you not hear me? I don’t want you near her!”
God I could hate her again.
“I’m just gonna ignore her Faith ok?” She moves to Buffy’s side and fixes her eyes firmly on me, I catch the little glint in them, makes me think she’s enjoying this little spar with her sister. Maybe it’s nice for her to feel like B gives a shit. And I know that one… disappoint to get a reaction. Usually works. “I can’t meet you after school… I’m not technically back at school yet, but Buffy has work later…” She turns her head to her sister who looks like she’s trying her damn hardest not to strangle her. “…maybe you could come back then?”
What do I say? Buffy has trained those daggers on me now, seems like she’s pretty interested too.
“I… uh…”
“What she means is ‘no.’”
Well that sealed it for me. “What time suits ya?”
“I guess after tea? Willow has a ‘thing’ with Tara… ya know, a ‘lets talk over all our problems and cry for hours’ thing… and I don’t have homework… so what about seven?”
“Perfect.”
I could see B getting more and more pissed, I didn’t blame her, I did deserve it, but I just wish she would stop. Step back and I don’t know… give me a chance?
She turned her gaze to Dawn again, changed her tactics from shouting. “Why are you doing this Dawnie? Is it to hurt me? Is that it..? Is this some kind of punishment..?”
I told ya! Everything has to be about her!
“I know things have sucked lately… and I know it’s been hard, we’ve all made mistakes, but don’t do this, ok? Don’t think that she cares about you…”
“She cares more than you do!”
I watch as she raises her hand and traces it across Dawn’s cheek. I can sense as she pulls in a breath, can hear the weariness in it, and for a moment it flashes in her eyes. I get how hard this is for her too, how fucked up it is for everyone. I know I can’t, never could… but a bit of me does long to make it better.
“Dawn, can you just go inside for a minute? Let me speak to Faith alone?”
I see she doesn’t want to, I understand why. It must feel like the grown ups are cutting her out, sending her away so they can make the decisions about her. Without her.
“It’s ok Kiddo, I won’t go without saying bye, alright?”
She seems to take a little heart from my words and moves herself back inside. I reckon she’ll still hang around to listen. I sure as hell would.
“Why are you here Faith? Really? Why now?”
“You know why B, Dawn wanted me here… I figured maybe I could help her out, make her feel better.”
Her eyes glue themselves to the floor and she doesn’t speak for a long time. I wonder what she’s thinking, what she’s feeling. “I should be able to make her feel better. I should never have let this happen in the first place.”
Was she opening up or something? Was I meant to hug her?
I raced my way through every phrase I had ever heard, hoped I picked the right one. “It’ll be ok B… you wait and see, time heals everything right?”
I can see her searching my eyes so I try to keep them steady. It’s hard though, having her staring at me, looking inside of me. All of a sudden it’s like she’s found me wanting, I see the shutters come down, her shoulders square up. “No Faith, not ‘everything’. Some things go to shit forever.”
Yeah. That’s what she said. And don’t worry, I know she’s talking about me.
“It doesn’t have to be that way.” I feel like I’m talking in code. And I think I’m offering the proverbial olive branch.
“Yes it does. I want it that way.” And I think that that was a ‘no’. A rejection.
“Which brings us back to Dawn…” I didn’t want her knowing that I gave a shit, that I cared if she was ready to bury the past. “…the kid needs a friend B, and you may not like it, but I’m it.”
“I really DON’T like it… how can I trust you? She’s my sister, Faith.”
What could I say? I don’t have the reasons, or the answers. Maybe she shouldn’t trust me… maybe I would fuck up again? “Buffy… B… I’d never hurt her. When I heard, that night… what she did…” It all comes flooding back, that second in LA when we had all heard her pain, what she had done. “…I couldn’t breathe, I didn’t believe it.”
“You heard that night..?” I see the puzzlement. “…I thought Angel was the one who rang?”
“Well I was hardly likely to. But yeah… she rang me, we knew.”
For a moment I can see fury building up in her stance. “Why the fuck didn’t you let us know? Jesus Faith!…”
“Whoa hold on there girl, we didn’t hear till after, and Angel rang as soon as…”
“So it’s you?”
“What?”
“That Dawn’s been talking to? I should’ve guessed. God knows why I believed she was getting comfort from an over-aged vampire. But you..?”
She really was down on me. “Yeah… me. Sucks right?”
“It all sucks Faith. Everything.”
Never a truer word was spoken. I decide to try again. Appeal on Dawn’s behalf.
“Look, Buffy… I know ok, I know you hate me, I get that, I deserve that… I’m not asking you to stop, just give Dawn a break…” I have her attention, it’s a start. “…let me be there for her, just for a bit. I swear I won’t do anything to hurt her.”
I wonder if I should get down on my knees and beg. I probably would if it wouldn’t fill my head with thoughts of every other thing I’d like to do down on my knees. To her.
I see her sigh, it deflates the whole of her body.
“God what does it matter anyway, right?… It’s not like any of us have done any good… since mom it’s just been so…” she breaks off and looks past my shoulder. Out into the nowhere.
“So ‘what’ B?”
She gives a little hollow laugh, gives me the empty eyes. “Crap. It’s all been so crap.”
I have to wonder if there’ll ever be a day when she doesn’t break my heart. I can’t show her that though, she’d have no interest in that. “Things are what they are, ya gotta learn to roll with the punches.”
“Like you?”
“Something like that.”
At this moment it seems like everything has stopped. I can’t hear any noise, not a thing, the air it seems has even stopped its gentle blowing, like time just upped and froze.
She’s looking at me, I’m looking at her. I don’t know what to show her. I don’t know if I’m supposed to keep myself in one piece… or if I’m ‘sposed to show her the truth? I always wanted her attention, I used to crave it. Now I’d give anything to stop those eyes from boring into me.
“Okay.”
“Huh?”
“You can see her. I don’t want you here when I’m here, I don’t wanna see you… but I work a lot, you can come by then.”
“Thank you.” And I really mean it. I never thought that Buffy could see past herself. I guess I was wrong.
“This isn’t for you, it’s for Dawn…” Her voice gets a little emotion, a little crack over the words. “…I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s just so hard.”
I take a step forward. Don’t ask me why, I didn’t mean to, didn’t plan to, it just happened. One minute I was further away from her, the next I was inches from her, close enough to touch. I guess it spooked her.
“What are you doing? Get away from me Faith.” It sounded like she was pleading, it sounded odd. What did she think I was gonna do for Christ sake?
“Chill B, fuck… I wasn’t doing anything.” But I’ve lost her. Any minute that it seemed she didn’t want me dead is over, and I see the shutters as they slam back down across her face.
She opens her mouth and the monotone spills straight out. “I’ll get Dawn, you say goodbye, tell her you’re coming back later.” As she turns to walk inside, she remembers one more thing. “And Wills and Tara will be here, so no funny ideas!”
Funny ideas? I wasn’t feeling much fun.
Dawn thinks I’m a fucking hero when she gets back. She’s all full of a ‘We sure showed her’ attitude. But I didn’t feel like that. I felt kinda… I dunno, crap. I promise to return, tell her I’ll bring over pizza, maybe rent a movie. She’s all smiles. And I just wish it was catching.
POV Tara.
It feels so right to be in her space. It feels like everything I’ve been missing. Everything I’ve ever needed. I’ve only been here for five minutes yet I can tell already she as nervous as anything. She stumbled over every step of her hello and when she reached around me to help me take off my coat I could see as her cheeks flushed red. I like it when she blushes, it reminds me of those first few months, before she was really mine, but when I used to dream that she would be. She used to blush a lot back then. All wariness and confusion.
I’m forever grateful that she got over it. Now I just hope that I can get over mine.
It’s not a question of whether I want to be with her, I NEED to be with her. It’s just a question of whether I can live with being with her. The things that she done, the boundaries that she played with… they’re things that should never be taken lightly, should never be fooled with. And my mind..? Wasn’t it enough for her to be in my heart..?
I just wish we could go back. That all this talking, hurting… all the pain, I just wish it could be over, that she could take me up stairs to our room, to our bed and kiss it away. Make the passion in her touch more than just a treasured memory. But this is important.
I guess it’s like building a house. You have to get the foundations solid or it all comes crashing down. I sound like Xander. I’m gonna stop thinking.
I’m sitting on the couch waiting for her to bring me a drink. It’s taking a while because Dawn is pestering her about watching a movie. She wants us to go upstairs so she can watch TV downstairs. From what I can hear through the doors, Willow isn’t ready to take me upstairs. It would be a bit soon. Maybe.
As she comes in with the drink she’s still babbling away to herself.
“…and she just goes to work and leaves me here to deal with it? Is she mad? I know I’m a big bad Wicca but… well I can’t DO that stuff anymore…”
She looks at me now and her eyes go wider.
“…not that I want to! No way mister! I’m all about the given up… no magic here!”
I hold my hand out to her to encourage her to give me my drink, it’s sloshing over the sides with the level of her excitement, and I’m worried there won’t be any left for me.
“Huh..? Oh right! Drink…” She hands it to me managing not to throw it at me and carries on her speed talk. “…But how does she expect me to protect Dawn without magic? I know you can do magic… but you shouldn’t have to, I’M in charge here. I just don’t understand why she said it’s ok? Do you think she’s finally lost it?”
I think she may have forgotten that I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“Willow..?”
“Yeah?”
“Who’s lost it? And what are we talking about?”
“I didn’t tell you..? I thought I told you… Faith! She’s back. Here. And she’s coming to see Dawn… and I have to watch her!”
“Faith?”
The name was very familiar. It was niggling something in the back of my mind.
“You know! Big bad ass slayer Faith? Body stealing psycho Faith!”
Of course! I think maybe I should thank Faith for that one. It made way for the perfect piece of sorcery. I let my mind visit there quickly. The soft feel of skin, her hand as it trembled against mine. Her heat. Her power.
It was a night I would never forget. But Faith..? Here? It sounded kind of dangerous… like maybe Buffy should be here babysitting and not us.
“Is sh… she dangerous?”
“NO! She’s not!”
And here comes Dawn to join the fun. She’s wearing the same pout that Buffy is so fond of, it’s just as adorable and just as persuasive. I can’t believe what she did the other night. It hurts me to think that she feels that lost, that alone. It shows how bad a job we’ve all done, how messed up we’ve been in our own problems. It’s so easy to forget though sometimes, living on the hell mouth. You lose sight of the little things. The important things.
I give her a little smile. “How do you know sweetie?”
“What does it matter? No one listens to me anyway!”
Willow is pleading with me using her eyes. I know all of her expressions and this one is asking for help. She wants me to calm Dawn down, to make it better. To say the right words.
“I listen to you. Come and sit down and tell me… I promise I’ll listen.”
She teenage struts her way to the sofa and throws herself down in a gesture of disenchantment. If things hadn’t been so serious lately it would’ve been something which made me smile. Now I just want to make her smile.
“So what’s up? I take it, it has to do with… Faith?”
She glares up at Willow, letting her know how passionate she is in what she has to say.
“Yes. She’s coming to see me and all everyone wants to do is be down on her! Like no one else never made a mistake…”
“She killed people Dawnie.”
“Well YOU nearly killed ME!”
She has a point.
“Yeah I know… and you know how sorry I am, how much I regret that, but it’s different…” She looks as if she’s ordering her thoughts, picking her words. “…Faith meant to do everything she did, she liked doing the things she did… she’s evil Dawn, and that’s something which doesn’t just change.”
“How do you know?” Yes, I had to ask.
She turns to me in surprise as if she assumed I would be on her side. But I really want to know. If Dawn has found something redeeming in Faith then who are we to dismiss that? I remember I’d always found the details surrounding Faith kind of..? I don’t know. But everyone has such a bad opinion of her, always telling the tales of she did this, she did that… but from what I understand she was just a kid. Like Dawn is now. And she was all on her own. I can’t believe that no one ever found that odd. I find it odd.
“I know because I was there. I saw what she did.”
“But that’s not fair! You all have these rules for you guys, and everyone else just isn’t good enough… with your stupid Scooby gang… well I think you all suck!”
Willow doesn’t have an answer for that. Lately we have all sucked.
“Look… I’m sorry ok? You have to remember though Dawn, I have a past with her. There’s loadsa bad water there and it hasn’t all flowed under the bridge.”
“But can’t you just try? Please? For me?”
There’s such pleading in her voice. She sounds so much older than her years and it reminds me of how much she has been through. I reach out unbidden and slip my arm around her shoulders, draw her into me and whisper the words she wants to hear.
“I’ll try sweetie. I promise… she gets a fresh slate from me. If she’s your friend she must have some redeeming qualities, right?”
Her eyes are all ablaze now. I hope they stay that way.
“She is SO awesome, really… like I’ve been talking to her for ages, since she got out… ya know…” She lowers her voice, makes it dramatic, I’m guessing she’s got some hero worship going on. “…from the big house…”
“I thought she only made Juvie?” At least Willow is listening to her.
“Well yeah… Juvie, but it’s just as bad, I saw this whole ‘Geraldo’ expo thingy on them once, and it’s tough… you have all these gangs and initiations…”
“So you think she was in a gang?” I know I said I would give her a chance but I’m not so keen on Dawn getting into the gang scene. Sunnydale isn’t that far from LA, it could happen.
“No! She stayed away from them… she even had to spend loadsa time in solitary cos she beat all these girls that were trying to force her to chase dragons…”
“But I thought she was a slayer? Isn’t chasing dragons part of the job?”
She looks at me like we’re from different planets. Maybe further away than that. “NOT them kind of dragons! You know..?” She puts on her most solemn face and whispers the word. “Drugs.”
Oh… THAT chasing the dragon. Well that’s good. She doesn’t do drugs.
“So what’s she been doing since she’s been out?”
“Oh she works with Angel… she’s really important, an integral part of the team. And she’s done LOADS of good stuff, maybe even more than you guys have done lately…” Definitely hero worship. “…and Angel said she’s really changed, that he’s proud of her.”
She sits back and looks at me, her eyes shining with righteousness.
“Well I’m sure if Angel says that, she must be doing really well.” She smiles now, and I can see her mentally chalking it up. One down, lots to go. I offer her a bit more, making her smile is making me happy. “I can’t wait to meet her.”
“You already met her, don’t you remember Tara..?” Please don’t burst her bubble Will. “When she stole Buffy’s body? She made fun of you?”
Dawn stiffens at my side and it’s like all the good work has been undone. I try my best.
“That’s in the past now, I’m prepared to start fresh, forgive old mistakes…” I look her dead in the eye, I want her to know how serious I am. “…you should think about that Willow, forgiveness and mistakes. As someone who might be looking for some…”
I leave it unsaid, but I can see she gets my meaning. It’s hard when you realise you’re a hypocrite.
The knocking at the door tenses the room. We all look at each other, no one really sure who makes the next move. Willow surprises even herself I think when she takes a step down.
“Ok, ok… I’ll get it! But I’m watching her Dawn… Buffy said to watch her and if she even thinks about thinking about making a wrong move, you better believe I’ll be there.”
“I’ll tell her, she’ll be terrified.”
“Dawn?” I get her attention and shake my head. If Willow’s prepared to play nice then so should she.
“I didn’t mean it… can’t anyone take a joke?”
Not at the moment. Jokes are really thin on the ground.
More banging encourages Willow to open the door. Her stance is so challenging and I only hope it’s not a random caller. For a moment it’s just silence. I’m watching Willow watching her, and I can see it all in her face. She’s struggling to say hello, cos she’s not really sure if she wants to. Finally her mouth opens and the words come out without too much distaste. I’m gonna take that as a positive.
“Hello Faith… erm, I guess you wanna come in?”
“Red. Yeah. Cool.”
So they’re not hugging. Give me time.
Dawn’s up and out of the chair in less than seconds. Makes me wonder about the land speed record.
“Hey Faith! I have SO been looking forward to this…” She’s grabbed onto her arm and is pulling her into the centre of the room, almost like she’s a show model. When she has her placed firmly in front of me, she stops and motions with her hand. “…this is Tara, she’s really nice, much nicer than the others… I think you were kinda mean to her once, but she’s willing to move on. Say ‘hello’.”
The poor girl just stands there bewildered, she’s looking at Dawn as if still trying to process her words, and at the same time I can see her warily eyeing me, perhaps trying to place when exactly she was mean to me. I decide to help her out, let her know what crime she stands accused of.
“It was the whole… body swap? Thing. At the Bronze..?”
She still looks a little puzzled, raising her eyebrow as if for more clues.
“I was with Willow… you assumed I was ‘with’ Willow?”
I see recognition cross her face, it looks a little like horror. She’s telegraphing her regret for the world to see, and I have to wonder if she’s always this expressive. Her eyes are just so… open?
“Oh… I remember…” She looks down at her boots, scuffs one toe against the other. When she raises her head she pauses for a moment, draws a deep breath and looks me straight in the eye. “…I’m really sorry about that, I know you’ve no reason to believe me… but if I could change that, it would be done. I just…” She looks like if she starts telling me she might never stop. I bet she has a thousand words she’s never spoken. She gives a frustrated shrug of her shoulders, holds out her hands at her sides. “I’m sorry.”
It’s enough for me.
“I’m Tara.” I offer her a full on smile, one which shows her apologies are done with me. She takes the hand I hold out and gives it a firm shake.
“Faith… and, I dunno? Thank you.”
Now I see her smile. It’s so sensual I almost want to blush. We are definitely keeping her around!
“Don’t mention it.” I let go of her hand before I’m forced to give it a squeeze. She just has such an aura around her. It’s the eyes. If I didn’t have a Willow I’d be finding out already if this girl drove anything other than stick.
She’s casting them eyes up to Willow now, she’s hesitating… I would guess she wants to know if it’s ok to make that apology yet. If Willow is ready to forgive.
My little red head has always had expressive eyes too. It was one of the first things I noticed. Now they’re flitting between me and Faith, she knows what might be coming and she doesn’t know what to do. I can’t make the decision for her, she has to be ready to accept it for herself.
I cock my head to the side and give her a little half smile, it’s the one she likes, she thinks it’s cute, it makes her go all gooey. I remember when she first told me that, I practiced it in front of the mirror for days after. Young love. I miss it.
Faith finally forces some kind of audible noise from her throat, it’s a cross between a squeak and a cough, and I can only imagine how hard this is for her. Standing in front of someone you know has no time for you and asking them to make time. It’s hard.
“Look Red… Willow?”
She does look, and I can see her fidgeting, her hands pulling on a fray at the bottom of her jersey.
“I don’t know if you wanna hear this, but hey… nothing to lose right?” She looks hopefully at her, and I only hope my girl is ready to give her a chance, even if only for Dawn’s sake. “I know I screwed up, the things I done, all of it… and I am sorry…”
Willow makes a little gurgly noise in the back of her throat. Almost like she was getting set to choke, she holds it in though. Motions at Faith to carry on.
“…and I’m sorry I’m here, I know you guys don’t want me here, and that’s cool… but I came to see Dawn. I don’t wanna get in anyone’s way, or cause any problems… I just wanna help the girl out. Okay?”
The silence is all encompassing. I don’t think any of us are breathing. I know Faith’s not, I can see the colour going from her cheeks.
“Willow… please?”
I second that Dawn. Please?
I see the defiance as it settles on her face and for a moment I fear the worst, her shoulders sag a little though and then she makes a quick shrugging gesture.
“I feel like I’m finally going crazy for saying this… but fine. Ok. Yay, great your back! Can’t wait to catch up… and if you so much as even think about putting a foot wrong I swear Faith… I don’t care how big and bad you are, I can be bigger and a damn sight badder… are we clear on that?”
She’s considering… sizing Willow up. In the end she holds up the bag she has in her hand. “Wanna watch a movie? Get some pizza?”
And now my girl smiles. I guess they reached an understanding.
“What’s the movie?”
“Return of the body snatchers.”
“Huh?”
“Kidding!” She pulls a copy of The Matrix from the bag, hands it to Willow. “I love the fighting, maybe you can explain the bits I never got?”
“Uh… The Matrix? I never saw that one.”
“Wicked! I can convert you…” She looks at me, flashes me that smile again. “…but then I guess Tara over there already got that sorted.”
Willow gives me a shy little look and it’s a look I’ve missed. I love it whenever her eyes are on me… but those shy eyes? So completely hot. And endearing.
“Yeah. She got that sorted alright.”
Please let all our pain be over? I just wanna hold her in my arms, where she should be.
Dawn decides to break the moment by ushering Will to put the movie on, you can see how excited she is to have some semblance of calm in the house, to have an evenings entertainment in place because of her. For her. I smile right along with her. If Faith can do that I look forward to seeing what else she can do. There’s lots of people round here that could do with some smiles.
Those smiles I wanted? They didn’t come. Everything was going so well. We watched the movie, it was certainly… different. Not one I would have picked, but in the end I enjoyed it. It’s one of those that makes you think… what if? But then I live in Sunnydale… there’s no computer programmer anywhere, robot or otherwise that could invent anything as ludicrous as our lives. No way.
Willow wasn’t warm to Faith but then she wasn’t cold either, and as far as I’m concerned that’s fine. Better than fine. She made me proud tonight, accepting Faith’s apology was hard for her, but she did it, she’s trying.
I wish everyone were the same.
It all went wrong when Buffy got home. Time had gotten away from us, none of us were watching the clock, the movie was done and we had finally gotten round to ordering the pizza. We were sat around the table, laughing, eating. It was just nice. We were all having some fun away from everything that’s been happening. We weren’t talking about bads or nasties… about relationships gone wrong. We were just having fun. Maybe that was the problem.
Dawn had just challenged Faith to see who could eat a slice of pizza the quickest, my money was on Faith… I’ve seen Buffy’s ability to inhale food when she wants to, I was betting Faith was cut from the same cloth. But my voice was behind Dawn, I wanted her to win, and I think Faith did too. She was going as slow as she dared without being obvious, giving her the time to keep up;
“Dawnie, Dawnie, Dawnie…”
“Hungh… wha bou me?” It was hard to hear her through the pizza, and her face just made us laugh. Willow was fixing her eyes on Dawn as if she could make her eat quicker, obviously firmly on her side to the point of obsession.
“Come on Dawn… you get this I’ll take ya to the Bronze next weekend, and I’ll buy ya drinks all night… non alcohol ones… and I’ll do your math homework for a week, and I won’t tell Buffy you spilt cranberry juice all over her white top..!”
Yeah. She was obsessive.
We didn’t even hear Buffy come in and even when I first saw her walk in I didn’t think anything of it. I wasn’t paying attention. She tossed the bag of food down on the table between us, making us all stop. The air instantly chilling.
“I brought dinner home, I thought you might be hungry, I guess not.” Her eyes were raging as they settled in distaste on Faith. “And what the hell is SHE still doing here?” She looked pointedly at Willow, accusation plain to see. “…and not just here… but here with YOU!”
“I’m sorry Buffy… I just, with Dawn… and she…” There weren’t words that would pacify Buffy though and I think she realised that. “…I didn’t realise the time.”
“So what..? You’re best buddies behind my back now?”
“Look B, just chill ok? Red didn’t do nothing wrong… I was just leaving.”
She got to get up from her chair, when Dawn chose to speak.
“I WON!”
She was holding her plate upside down, speaking as if Buffy hadn’t even walked in the room. Faith looked down at her own plate, the small piece of food still there.
“Yeah, you won… we’ll celebrate later, I gotta shoot now.”
Dawn’s eyes immediately narrowed on Buffy, her tone just as sharp as her glare. “Why do you have to always ruin everything? I’m so sick of you! I wish I had died last week…” We all paused I guess in shock, it was just so vehement, so painful. “…I wish you had died, had stayed dead!”
Can you guess how high the tension was? It was like even a deep breath would be enough to make it all go crazy. In the end Buffy just went anyway.
“You selfish bitch!”
“Buffy!” That was Willow, it could have been any of us.
“What Wills? I’m supposed to just take this crap because poor Dawn’s so fragile? Well guess what? I’M sick of it… I died for her! You remember that? Cos I do Willow… every single damn second I remember taking that choice, making that choice… and what she did?” She was really rolling, accentuating every word with a gesture of her hand, expression on her face. “That makes all this… everything, god… it’s so damn pointless! Don’t you get that?”
I could see Faith rising, see her moving around the table to stand in front of Buffy, I was scared. For all of us.
“And you think I’M bad?”
“Get out of my face, get out of my house!”
“No B… you all wanna talk about being sick? Well how about I wade in with some sickness of my own?”
“I don’t care about your sickness Faith, didn’t you figure that bit out yet?”
“You don’t care about anything though do ya B? You’ve got a kick ass little sister here and all she wants is a second of your fucking attention.” She flicked her look to Dawn, gave her a full on smile, replaced her scowl and went back to Buffy. “But ya can’t can ya? I’ve gotta side with Dawn… maybe ya should’ve stayed dead, saved us all some heartache.”
It was obvious it was going go.
“I hate you so much.”
“Wanna show me?”
And then she was flying back over the table and onto Dawn. It was chaos so quick that it was hard to see what was happening. Buffy was trying to get across to her, Dawn was squealing under Faith’s weight, Willow was attempting to get Buffy to stop… and I was wondering what the hell to do. It’s handy sometimes being the witch.
Just a little explosion of light and they all stopped their madness. The bang helped, even I jumped and I was the one that made it. Faith raised herself wearily from the now breathless Dawn and rubbed her hand over her jaw.
“That’s two now B, I’m gonna let ya have them on account of I probably deserve it.” Now I finally got to see what scary Faith looked like. It was almost like she snarled the words. “I’m not here to be your bitch though, and if ya gonna keep doing that, you know I’m gonna start hitting back.”
“You’re just so noble aren’t you?”
“No B, I’m fucking human. You might wanna give it a go.” She looked at Dawn then, I could see the apology written on her face. “Look kid, I’m sorry bout that, but I gotta go. I’ll swing by tomorrow, when everyone’s calmed down.” Dawn didn’t answer. She just looked sad. It worried me. “Red, Tara… it’s been great, really… I guess I’ll catch ya later.”
Then she went to the front door and left. No looks back. No change of mind. It was so very messed up. The charge between the two of them is so intense. If it’s always like that it’s probably half the problem. Too much tension.
I started to clear the stuff away, clean the plates of the rest of the pizza, I guessed no one would want to eat anymore. Buffy just sat in a chair. Put her head in her arms and stayed that way. Willow took Dawn upstairs, I guess to put her to bed. To comfort her.
I was scared to speak but I had to say something. I didn’t know all of Buffy’s issues, I knew some of them… but she was never around. Certainly wasn’t interested half the time in being there for Dawn.
“Buffy?” I took her over a mug of chocolate, something to sweeten I hoped. She barely looked up and when she did I could see the tear tracks that were staining her face. “Hey sweetie, come on… it’s not that bad ok? Just take a deep breath.”
But my words of comfort just seemed to make her worse. Her shoulders were shaking now and I didn’t know what to do. The most natural thing was to go to her, to slide my arms around her and hold her close. She let me.
“Do you wanna talk about it? It might help?”
“Oh god Tara… it's just so…” She was forcing the words out from between the sobs, like she didn’t want to speak them. “…everything is wrong. It’s like I came back and nothing is the same. Nothing feels the same…” Her eyes are so full of pain, the tears stopping to leave just the bare truth. She’s hurting and bad. “…why can’t I just be the same as before? I just want to feel Tara… I just want to feel.”
I’d seen her anger tonight, so I knew she could feel that. I needed her to clarify. “Feel what Buffy… what do you want to feel?”
I could see her sadness, tried to imagine what she would say. But I wouldn’t get to hear. The door at the back slammed shut and Spike made his way into the room.
“Slayer… I thought we had things to do?”
She put her head back in her arms, her nose to the table. “Why? Why me… can you tell me that one Tara?”
She lost me again. I settled for smiling, letting her know we could talk later if she had to go slaying.
“What happened in here anyway? You have a rowdy gathering and forget to invite me?”
“Why would I invite you?”
I saw the look he gave her and it made me want to shudder.
“You tell me.”
She got up and offered me a look of apology. “I have to go Tara, tell Dawn I’ll look in on her when I get back… I won’t be long, this won’t take long.”
Spike made his way to the back door and I could see him waiting there for her, running those eyes up her as if he owns her, as if he wants to eat her. It worried me a bit, what with him being a vampire and all.
I could see how much he was smiling and how much she wasn’t. I’m getting a vibe. I want to ignore it.
“Well I’m gonna head back in a while, I’ll look in on Dawnie and Will, I’ll see you soon though Buffy…” She nodded without enthusiasm. It was how she did most things lately. “…we’ll finish our chat?”
“Yep, sure Tara. Thanks.”
And that was the night. I did check in on Dawn. She was distraught, not only with what Buffy had said but what she had said to Buffy. She loves her sister so much, and this feeling she has at the moment that Buffy doesn’t care? It’s tearing her up inside.
I told her that she’d look in when she got back and that seemed to comfort her a little.
As for Willow. She was sad too. It’s a lot for everyone. Too much. I took her in my arms and held her as close as I dared. I wanted to kiss her, to slip my tongue between her lips and show her how much I loved her. But I didn’t. I placed one tiny kiss by the side of her ear. Told her I loved her instead. It was enough to make her smile. For me to leave her in a happy place.
I know what Buffy means. I wish things could be the same as well. But they aren’t. We aren’t. Now we just have to learn how to live with the changes. How to make it all alright again.
POV: Faith.
Two days. Two bliss filled days of silence. I swear I thought my head would explode if I had to listen to anymore of her shit. And if not my head than me. I wanted to. So fucking much I wanted to wipe that self righteous wounded look from her face. But I didn’t. I held my shaking arms tight at my side, said my piece and left.
Maybe it was for Dawn. Maybe if she hadn’t have been there then Buffy would’ve learnt real quick that I won’t be standing for her crap. And I really won’t.
Half of me wants to, half of me wants to lay down and tell her to give me the best she’s got. All that pain that she’s trying so hard to hide, she can unload it my way, I can take pain. But the other half… that’s the half that cares about me. About what I need. My own pain.
Who knew that being back could be so much fun? A real fucking laugh riot.
When she said that shit about Dawn, I wanted to fucking break her. How could she? I know she’s got her issues… but man, Dawn’s a kid. You could just about feel her heart tearing in two, I had to say something.
Maybe I should’ve just shut up. Left it alone. It’s hardly my place to preach is it? She just makes me so damn mad. The whole time I’ve known her, she’s never had enough sense to know when she’s got some good stuff going. So she died..? So fucking what! I lay in a coma for eight months… at least she got her sabbatical in heaven. And now she’s back, with her family, her friends, and yeah it’s hard… but for Christ sake B!
I just wanna shake her. Really damn hard. You know, maybe wrench those eyes open for her and show her what she’s missing. It ain’t perfect, but it’s living. It’s worth something.
I took Dawn out to the movies last night, nothing heavy, some girly chick flick crap that had me reaching for the sick bucket. She liked it though. Was totally full of smiles the whole time we were there and through milkshakes. Pretty much made it through the walk home as well. That’s when things got crappy.
She started asking me if she could stay with me for a while. Ya know, cos she’s happiest when she hangs out with me. What could I say? It had to be a ‘no’. Didn’t matter what I thought, what I wanted for the kid… I knew that teaching her to run away from her problems just ain’t the way to go.
I got pissed with her when she said she had other places she could go;
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“What I said, I have friends I could stay with. People that care if I’m happy…”
“Don’t even go there Dawn! I get that your sisters treating ya like crap, and that blows… but if you think you can pull the brat act with me, then you’re wrong…” I swear she was doing petulant. Hard to remember how old she is sometimes, especially when she starts acting like a two year old. “You know I care, that’s why I’m here. But letting you crash at mine just isn’t happening.”
“But I hate it there!”
“I know ya do, but ya gotta get through it.”
She slumped her shoulders and pulled a perfect B pout. It was kinda freaky the likeness. “Can’t I just stay for a little while, like a couple of days… I bet Buffy wouldn’t even know I was gone.”
She was probably right, but it was still wrong. She had a home, she belonged there.
“I can’t kid, I’m sorry but no.”
The rest of the walk to the house was stomped along in silence. Her always keeping a couple of steps ahead. She tried behind at first but there’s no way I’m not keeping my eye on her. She learnt pretty quick that in front was the only way to go.
I think she thought I was gonna just let her walk away without a goodbye, without some kind of assurance that I’d see her soon. She almost ran those last couple of steps, but I’m quicker, beat her to the door and stuck my ass right in front of her.
“So what? You don’t say thanks for a wicked evening, haven’t you got any manners?”
I got to see Dawn’s own version of pissed eyes then. She cast them up quick, burning with that quiet kind of rage. “Thank you… the movie was great, just what I needed to take my mind off of the fact that my life is crap. Worse than crap… really, thanks.”
Maybe there was a Summers self pity gene?
“What is it with you guys, huh? Yeah, life can be shit, I get that better than most… but Dawn, you have so much going for you and things WILL get better.” I did a twirl, made her at least pretend to smile. “I mean look at me… who would’ve thought a couple of years ago that I would’ve turned out so damn good?”
It wasn’t the best ad in the world for a better life I know, but ya have to work with what you’ve got. At least she didn’t look quite so pissed when she went in, was still playing at grumpy, but pissed had gone. It’s damn hard work trying to keep this girl smiling.
I didn’t make firm see ya again plans, she’s supposed to be seeing her counsellor this evening and then going straight home. So I’m just chilling on my own. I forgot how noisy this place could be, how mad it made my head. Even sitting here on my own I can’t let it go. It’s why I needed a little time, just a rest from the madness.
I was tempted to go Bronzing… to live a little just for me. But the fucking fear of seeing HER keeps me here confined. My whole world is in conflict whenever I’m near her… I’m finding it hard to deal.
I never expected that she would welcome me back, I wouldn’t have trusted it if she did… but I didn’t think that the feeling, the..? GOD! I can’t even think it straight… the thing that’s us, that fucking charge I mentioned, whatever that bullshit is or isn’t… I didn’t think I’d be pulled in again. Damned helpless again.
Angel, Angel, calling Angel. Do ya copy?
Yeah. He loves the helpless. I wonder if there’s a limit on saves per person? I’ll have to remember to ask him. He’s still trying to sort me a baby sitter. He said I can have first choice but I have to wait till next week. He offered me the quicker alternative… I said no. I’m really looking forward to it… Dawn’s great, most of the time, and Tara’s wicked… even Red shocked the shit out of me with her acceptance of me being here… but I miss my own buddies. Talk about things other than Sunnydale.
The thinking is pissing me off. I’m gonna shower, possibly drink… definitely sleep. No more Summers thoughts. I’ll think about winter, it’s colder. It suits.
POV: None.
The master of the lair surveyed his scene with an air of pronounced grandeur. He liked the feeling. Liked knowing that he controlled everything before him. It was his. He had earned it, made it happen. His subjects cowered before him on the floor, looking up through glazed eyes of appreciation, hanging onto every word that marched from his mouth with certain authority.
“But why does it have to be me?”
The whining words broke the leader from his self important daze. What a moment ago had been his loyal subject was now just Andrew. Just Andrew in the basement and questioning his perfect plan.
“It has to be you. It can’t be me…” he raised his chin to the side, showed off his profile. “…I’m much too important to do the field work on this, I need to be here… running things, taking charge… and as for him…” he motioned to his other subject, allowed his eyes to run disdainfully over his form. “…who would ever believe it? He’s much too short for the job. It’s a question of genetics. Think yourself lucky.”
“Maybe she likes the more… vertically challenged male, I could be the man of her dreams.”
“Johnathan, Johnathan… let me break it down for you.” He flipped over the white board which was just in front of him to show his troops the detailed and very graphic stick man drawing with the plans for the ambush. “We need to get her here…” he pointed with his plastic pointer to the entrance of the park. “…but we also need to make sure that all the targets are in the right place. Remember, this is our in, our chance to get a foot in the door… inside the central nervous system of the enemy’s camp.”
Now he placed his pointer next to the stick figure of Johnathan, half the size of any other illustration. “This my little wizard is you… from here it’s your job to create the monster… remember, nothing too scary… it could get dangerous, just something to frighten… to allow Indiana Jerkoff to rescue the girl…”
“Uh… how dangerous is dangerous?”
“Not now Andrew.”
“But this is my life we’re talking about… how utterly dangerous will it be?” The very nervous blonde haired boy was casting his gaze around himself wondering how the hell he had ever gotten himself to here. Yes he was Tucker’s brother and with that came a certain responsibility to uphold the craft of summoning demons… but what Warren was suggesting..? It scared him. Summoning the thing he wanted was too much even for Andrew, they would need the ultimate witch… the most powerful magics, and to get that witch there, all sorts of in depth and scary plans needed to be executed. Least of all this one.
“It’ll be nothing, we’ll be watching the whole time… ready to jump in at a moments notice.”
Warren’s words didn’t reassure him. Sometimes he felt like Warren was in this just for himself. Just because he wanted to rule the world. To be King. The evil Emperor.
“But I’m not good with danger. I get hives… then I start itching…”
“There won’t be danger, ok? We’ll conjure up a magic pony instead and you can take her for a ride around the park… would that be better? That’s definitely a much better plan… why didn’t I think of that?” He waited a moment, let the silence hang. “Because I’m not a stupid sissy, that’s why!”
Andrew could feel himself cowering under Warren’s gaze. He liked it usually when he was all assertive, but this wasn’t nice. He could feel his insides churning from the knowledge of his leader’s disappointment in him.
“Ok… I’ll do it.”
“I know you will.” He turned back to the board, pointed again to the entrance of the park. “We need to wait till the Slayer is in place. We need a witness, someone to see you saving her. Your hero moment.”
Andrew’s hands were starting to sweat. He reminded himself to breathe deep. He could do this. He would just pretend he was someone else. Maybe Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing, he always had a way with the girls. Maybe he could find a leather jacket. With shoulder pads. Learn some smooth moves.
“When we give you the signal you go for it. Three quick hits and it’ll vaporise… you’ll be the saviour, the slayer will be in your debt… and we my friends will be on our way to ruling the world.”
“And why can’t we just take the witch now and be done with it?”
“Johnathan… did you raise your hand?”
“Uh… no?”
“Well if you want to speak in future, raise your hand. None of us have got time for silly questions, lets find a way to cut them out.”
Johnathan also found himself wondering how he’d gotten into this. Since the whole ‘Superstar’ magic went wrong he’d been struggling to make a go of anything. He tried to go straight, just be him… but it didn’t work. Andrew and Warren at least accepted him… they let him hang out with them, and he was allowed to speak sometimes as well.
“If you’d been paying attention you’d know ‘the witch’ has quit magic. I don’t think us saying please is gonna make her do it again… especially not the world ending kind, she’s a habit of working for the light side of the force.” He shook his head sadly. He’d had such hopeful ambitions when he had sent Rak her way. Had witnessed her addiction getting out of hand… but in the end her friends had saved her. She quit cold turkey. Now they needed a way of knowing how to turn her back onto magic. Dark magic. They needed a mole in the camp. An Andrew sized mole.
“This way we’ll know everything about her. Her strengths, her weaknesses. Everything… and before you know it will all be ours…”
He took up his leadership stance again. Walked a commanding path in front of his men. Shoulders back, head held proud.
“… we’ll be unstoppable. Presidents will kneel before us and beg for our mercy, rulers will cower under our gaze, even Gods will be scared to question our actions… we will be the highest power… the ultimate power… we will be Kings!”
Before him on the floor his subjects again withered. In Johnathan’s eyes was fear. He wanted to be King… always had, but ultimate power? It sounded like a big responsibility. And Warren was right. He was a little short.
Andrew’s was a mixed gaze of fear and admiration. It was scary, it was a huge quest on which they had embarked… but Warren always looked so powerful when he was like this, it made him want to… believe in him.
The only thing which really stood out from Warren’s eyes was evil. Pure and simple. Evil.
POV: Faith.
There’s never such a thing as a quiet night in. You may think you’re just gonna chill out alone, get in some quality drinking time and hit the sack, but some person always has to have other ideas. Their own set of plans.
I’d managed some drinking time, it was a pleasant diversion and my ETA on a crash time was set pretty soon. When I first heard the banging I figured it was my head, wouldn’t be the first time I had unexplained noises in the cranium… but hearing my name screeched right along with it was kinda unsettling. It didn’t take too long after that to figure out it was the door. And they say alcohol dulls the senses. Never!
I cast my eyes across at my companion, he sat there half drunk, just one little bottle asking for my friendship. I didn’t like to leave him, he’d been good to me, but the banging was louder and I knew I probably should answer.
“Won’t be a minute, keep yourself amused.”
He didn’t answer. He never did. It’s kinda why I liked him.
Answering the door to Buffy fucked with my breathing. Seriously, I couldn’t do it. I stood there getting redder and redder wondering if she was gonna speak. I think I may have grunted. It didn’t encourage friendly conversation.
“Where is she?”
Who? I think I looked at her confused, I still didn’t have the air for speaking.
“Don’t fuck with me Faith, where IS she?”
She looked totally pissed and it didn’t take a genius to work out what was coming next. I offered her confused again and she offered me her fist. It fucking hurt! Again! It released my ability to breath though and I sucked in a damn big lungful of oxygen. I was gonna need it, I was mad.
“What the hell IS your fucking problem!?” I think I got in her space because I was pretty soon aware of her hands on my chest, pushing me back. I forced against her, urged her to feel the fucking heat I had for her, how damn mad she had made me. “Don’t push me away B, don’t come to my fucking apartment and push me away!”
She pushed harder, broke my resistance. I landed back on my ass, her looming over me, nothing but absolute contempt for me in her gaze. “Tell me where she is!”
We were still on that? I didn’t have a clue.
I slowly pulled myself up, my eyes on her the whole time. I was watching for the sneaky move, the knife in the gut. “What the fuck are you talking about? Where’s who?”
If she didn’t answer me like a damn human being I was putting her on HER ass. I was so sick of the way she found to speak to me. Those few seconds of something else, nothing to balance the disgust she treated me with at any other time. Her eyes gave her away. Her ass was where she would be.
“I know the idiot’s easy for you to play Faith, but don’t insult me… where the hell is she?”
Bye bye Buffy.
I sat her on her ass so quick she didn’t have a clue what had happened and in my head I silently thanked Angel for all the speed training he had made me do. It helped. She went to get up, so I chose my time to speak.
“Slow down B, if you're gonna continue talking shit at me I’m gonna keep putting you on your ass… seems like a waste of time, so unless you got something worth saying, I suggest you stay down there.”
“Bitch!”
I sighed. I couldn’t help it. I was so damn tired of all of this. I didn’t come here for this. I swear I didn’t.
“Right. I’m a bitch, you’re a bitch, we’re both bitches…” I sighed again. It was my action of the evening. “…we’ve got that covered ok? Now please, before I lose whatever bit of sanity has stuck it out this long, what ARE you talking about.”
I could see her looking around me, trying to see inside my apartment.
“Do ya wanna come in?”
I had to offer. Even slayer sight couldn’t go round corners.
I saw her sag, as if she just decided to stop supporting her own weight. It must be hard being in her head right now, I haven’t a damn clue what goes on in there, ever… but you could see how hard it is.
It made me soften. I didn’t want to, hard was the best way to play it with her, I had learnt that… but I couldn’t help it. Maybe I had changed. Had grown. Matured.
“Hey, come on… you can tell me what’s going on.” I leant out, put my hand down to her, offered her a lift.
You know she refused right? It was so obvious that I think that’s maybe why I offered. To prove to myself how well I knew her. She lifted herself up, dusted herself down.
“Fine, I’ll come in… but it’s only to check that she isn’t here. I don’t want to come in.”
Charming. I just raised my eyebrows at her, I didn’t have the right words. I was still feeling soft.
“So who are we looking for?”
“Not we, me. And Dawn.”
Fuck! Of course. What else would bring her to my door?
“Dawn..? What’s going on?”
She didn’t answer, she went from room to room in my place. Even had the gall to open the doors to my closet space.
“For crying out loud B, she isn’t here!…” No reaction, no stopping her from her course. “…why are you going through my laundry?…” Nothing. “…get the fuck out of my stuff!”
That was it. She had turned to me holding a pair of my discarded lacy panties, her eyebrow slightly quirked. What the fuck was this? I know she didn’t think she was finding Dawn anywhere near my panties.
“Jesus B… will you just stop?”
She made her way from my bathroom back into the bedroom. Finally came to stop at the bed. Sat herself down. Sighed a sigh of her own.
“Where is she?”
“What? You gotta know I don’t know…”
“Where is she?”
Did someone get stuck on repeat?
“I don’t know B… but we’ll find her. Where did you see her last?”
Her eyes finally made their way up to mine. And yeah, my heart broke. I told you, it happens everyday for her. They were so… desolate. There must be so much pain in there if this is what she has to do to keep it all at bay. Make herself empty. I remembered the feeling. And I knew the things I had done when I felt that way. I worried for her then. I couldn’t help myself.
I went to the bed and knelt down in front of her. My hand went to make its way to her head, to the hair that was hanging in front of her face. I wanted her to know that I saw her. In there somewhere, I still saw her. Her voice froze me. It had all the steel I remembered.
“Don’t. Don’t touch me Faith.”
My hand hung there for a moment, undecided. I was strong, I knew I could break through steel. But I wasn’t brave enough, didn’t have the courage to try. I let it drop back down. Let myself drop down. I rested on my haunches, allowed just my eyes to rest on her.
She continued on. Matter of fact. “She was supposed to have her counsellor tonight. The school arranged it, because… because of what she did. What she tried to do.”
It was hard to be matter of fact though when it comes to your sister and her voice betrayed what her eyes didn’t. A little of what she was feeling, of what she had lost.
“I was at home, and yes I know, that makes a change… but I’m trying ok?” She didn’t wait for my answer, didn’t need it I guess. “The school rang. Dawn didn’t show, the lady waited there for an hour, then she called me.” Her shoulders raised again in a sigh. “I waited at home, I don’t know, I guessed she was just trying to piss me off… then it got dark, and I…” She flitted her eyes to mine so quick, I nearly blinked, nearly missed it. “…I thought she was with you, I thought you said she could come here… she said she wanted to.”
I couldn’t blame her for thinking that, I knew how low her opinion of me was.
“I swear B, I haven’t heard from her.”
“You’d think that would make me feel better…” She let out a little hollow laugh. “…yet right now I wish that you had. That she was here.”
Her head was shaking as if she couldn’t believe her own words. That something could be worse than me? There was a revelation. I decided to take it as a compliment, like I said, you work with what ya got.
“Is there anywhere else she could be? Someone she goes to?”
I thought back to Dawn’s remark about friends. Places she could stay. She never said names to me though. Not one.
Buffy’s eyes glazed over, her head shaking again. Then she threw herself back on the bed, groaned in frustration.
“Oh god, please no?” I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about.
“What’s that B?”
She suddenly started wriggling on the bed, put her hand underneath herself and pulled out the soft toy I bought for Dawn, I hadn’t given it to her yet. Was waiting on a time.
She looked at it kinda curious I guess. Her eyes narrowing on me. “What’s this?”
“Soft toy?”
“YOU have a soft toy?”
They do a whole special range for psycho bitches nowadays, I thought everyone knew that.
“It’s not mine, I bought it for Dawn… you know?” She looked at me like she didn’t. “To uh… make her smile?”
She raised it up in front of her eyes, turned it around in her hands. She looked like she was feeling it. Eventually her gaze left the softness of the toy and found the softness of me. I felt as hard as a fucking marshmallow sat there in front of her. I raised myself up, put myself on her level. She didn’t move. Then she did. Her mouth opening to speak.
“How do you do that?”
What? Turn to marshmallow? It’s easy B, I look right at you. That sounded too corny even to me. I choked it back.
“Do what B?” It sounded better.
She looked down at the toy again, smiled a little smile. Then she put it to the side, gave me back her attention. “Nothing Faith. It doesn’t matter.”
I still wasn’t brave enough to tell her that it might matter to me. I let her carry on.
“I think I know where she is…” Again our evening had another sigh. “…there’s this… uh guy… type thing. A guy.”
Dawn was dating? Sly girl never told me. “A guy? Figured you for stricter B.”
“No! Not like that, that’s ewww!…” Her eyes went wide as I guess she considered it. “…totally not letting the brain go there.” She shook it away. “It’s a vamp, he helps us sometimes… Spike?”
Oh fuck. I had heard of him. Kinda met him. Angel had not a nice word to say. Said the guy was a prick. Had a chip in his head, but was still just a prick. I trusted him more than her.
“Damn B, the guy’s a prick and you let Dawn hang out with him?”
“You know Spike?”
What kinda name was Spike anyway? “Met him once, different costume.” I motioned my hands to my body. I saw her get it. Saw her eyes widen even more.
“Oh my god… you didn’t..? Tell me you didn’t…”
Didn’t? Oh! “NO!”
“Right, I uh…”
“Doesn’t matter… but why on earth you letting Dawn hang with him?”
Her brow furrowed as if she was still trying to work that out for herself. Then she went on to tell me. Offered me a few insights into parenting Dawn. The other side of the story. Wasn’t all sweet Dawn that was for sure. She didn’t get deep into her own shit, tried to steer clear as much as she could, but she did say she was finding it hard… was trying with Dawn, but nothing was ever enough, whatever she found to give, Dawn just demanded more. I think she felt like Dawn was punishing her for dying still. Had never accepted her death so didn’t accept her being back. I could see the sense in that.
But none of it got us Dawn back now. I didn’t care what she said about Spike helping them out, not being so bad. I didn’t want him near Dawn.
When she got up to leave I said I was coming. She so quickly got the now boring steel back into her eyes. Pissed me off. What was the point? It was confusing the fuck outta me. I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to be feeling.
“Don’t even bother B. You know I’m coming… I’ve a few words to say to Dawn, I’ll stay out of your way, but I’m definitely coming.”
“Whatever.”
It was a virtual invitation.
My first time back in that cemetery was no great excitement. Nothing had really changed, it made me think that nothing ever really does. Buffy wasn’t talking to me, she didn’t need to. It’s like this; imagine being the most fucking powerful person in existence. Strongest, fastest, the lot. Now imagine walking beside the only other person in the world who knew that feeling. Shared that feeling. It was a fucking rush. It lifted my step and I could see it lifting hers. It wasn’t choice, it was just nature. Something she couldn’t hide.
When we came to the door she didn’t knock. She kicked the door, stormed in. I had to follow.
I recognised him straight away. It seemed right that he stood there barefoot with no shirt. He oozed sex, but it was just creepy. Made even me wanna itch. And the way his eyes travelled over me, came to rest on Buffy? I had to swallow some bile,
“Slayer…” he let the word drip from his tongue. I knew he wasn’t talking to me. I wondered if he did. “…am I late for a date?…” again his eyes on me. Touching me. “…you bring reinforcements?” She hit him so hard even I hurt, but he didn’t stay down. Smiled his rise, ran his cold dead tongue over his busted lip. “I get foreplay tonight?”
Oh I was so chewing her out for letting Dawn anywhere near him! I don’t care how disobedient Dawn can be… she should’ve tied her down. Denied her some civil liberties.
I stepped up, was sick of listening. “Cut the crap Romeo… where’s Dawn?”
He ignored me, focused on Buffy. “I like her, she’s feisty.”
I hit him, showed him just how feisty. “Keep it in your pants Blondie.” I kicked him there hard for good measure. Slayer force. All of it. I found it damn pleasing watching him squirm on the floor.
“That’s enough Faith.” She called me off. I let her. Watched her turn her attention to him. “Spike, Dawn is missing, I need to know… have you seen her?”
“The little bits missing?” Oh fuck off! Surely she didn’t fall for that crap. Eyes which were two seconds ago gleaming with sadism, were now all concern, heart warming puke.
“‘Dawn’ is missing…” I cast a withering glare down on his form. “…as for your little bit? I really wouldn’t wanna hazard a guess.”
He brought himself up before me. Dared to find my space. Eyes locked into mine. Yeah I wanted him to push me. It would only happen once.
“Spike. Have you seen her?”
Immediately he dropped back. Offered me a twisted smile. Turned to her. “Yeah, she came sniffing round earlier… I did what you said, I sent her away, told her to go home, big sis was waiting.”
Jesus! I couldn’t believe he was trying to do gallant. Who the fuck was this..? This thing?
“When? When was she here?”
“I figure a little over half an hour…”
I’d like to tie him to a sundial, make him surer.
“…she seemed upset, do you need me to come and help you look?”
She seemed upset and he sent her off alone. Oh please?
“She seemed upset and you let her go off alone, knowing what she did..?” He looked at me like I aggravated him. “I’m pretty sure we don’t need you helping us to find Dawn.”
His expression changed to mild amusement, he walked around me, eyeing me. It made me uncomfortable, like I wanted to strike. “Faith..?” Now my true name dripped from his lips. “…About so high, criminally insane..?” He had the fucking audacity to sneer at me. “…I’m not leaving Buffy alone with you.”
I laughed. It was laugh or… fuck, I don’t know. Die? I looked in amazement at B, I didn’t get that she knew this thing. Socialised with him. I thought she had these fucking huge moral standards and now I was beginning to wonder.
She looked like she didn’t know what to say, I saw her look at him, at me and back again. I felt like she was working out what was her safest option. Interesting. I couldn’t wait to find out.
“Spike you come, Faith we need all the help we can get, Dawn’s my sister… this is my call. Argue with me, I don’t want you here. Just give me a reason to tell you to get lost.”
Give me a reason to separate your head from your neck?
“I just want to find Dawn, B… I’ve no problem staying out of your way.”
He smiled at me. A dirty smile. She didn’t. It was another time when I couldn’t see what her eyes might say. If she had anything to say.
As we left the crypt and took up a pace there was no more feeling of a familiar step, of a rhythm, an us. It was them and me. I didn’t get it, but I felt it. I guess maybe he really did help, maybe there was more to him than the shallow beast I had seen. Something had B at his side instead of mine, finding step with his feet instead of my feet.
I don’t think I need to say how that felt. I knew it was what I expected. What