Resolution
by Kelly Smith
Rating: NC-17

+21=22=23=24=25=26=27=28=29=30+

CHAPTER 21.

POV Faith.

Walking through the door to the Bronze had been like stepping straight through a door to another world. Our very own portal. A good portal. The bass which was thumping from more than a block away, had been steadily calling to me, calling to all of us. Feet moving faster to just join us to the sound. Like a hushed buzz that hummed the senses, the others reluctant to embrace it because of all of the bad.

Well fuck the bad! I’ve seen more than enough bad to know that you have to grab at the fun times. You have to grab them, magnify them, and damn well make sure that you remember them. It’s what keeps me going. The thought of more.

The doors had fallen open upon a sea of smiling faces. Not one even caring that there was a world left outside, for them the only world was in here. The here and the now. Girls looking pretty, looking harder for the hook up, boys swarming like flies around each of the girls. Not looking for a hook up, but desperate for it. All of them swaying in time to the music. Brows sweating, energy pumping. It was my kind of world.

We gravitated as a group towards some seats, staked a claim on some sofas. Comfortable seats but not comfortable poses. I sat back and watched them as they watched each other. Saw them wondering what was safe to say, what was right to say. It was like so much tension of the wrong kind, places like this are meant to be full of the other kind of tension, the fun tension… not that. Not the heavy laden silence, the only conversations being ones of the private kind. I’d shown my eyes to Cordy, let her see just what I thought of the Scooby fun times. They were lacking. Completely lacking.

She caught my drift, she always does. Was the first to speak up with any kind of volume. “So…guys..?” It took a moment, but they did all look up. “What’s the deal with drinks around here? I have to get my own?”

Well THAT would be a first.

I held in the obvious, watched Xander be the man that stood at the plate. “I was just gonna bust a groove to the bar, what do ya want?”

She smiled large and gave him her order. I watched him turn and ask his girl, the witches, Giles. I watched him ask Dawn. Then I saw him stumble.

“What about me Xander? This girl not worthy of a drink or two?” He swung round from Buffy to face me. Joviality back in place, assurances that of course I was worth a drink. Probably not two. I took the wink that went with it though. Gave him my order. Offered a bit more. “And what about B? What’s she drinking?”

His eyes buried themselves in mine. All that uncertainty about what to do. How to do it. Whether things really were ok. I wanted him to know that it wasn’t about that… ok or not, things to be worked out or not. We were in this together, all of us. And tonight we were finding the fun. We deserved that. Needed it. I smiled as I saw his acceptance. He has a heart probably bigger than all of ours, and I offered him back his wink as he turned around to face her.

“Buffster? What you drinking?” It came out soft. And it was obvious that he cared.

Dawn’s words came out harsh. “We’re just letting her off with it? Just like that..?”

“Dawnie…”

“NO Tara! Why is it that everything Buffy does wrong, gets to be ok?”

“It’s not ok.”

It slowed Dawn’s rage, made her face the sister that was now talking words to her.

“What I did will never be ok Dawn. You don’t know how much I know that. How much I’m sorry for that...”

I could feel my panic meters all lighting up. Flashing the signs of impending disaster. This wasn’t fun! This was sliding towards angst faster than I cared for. I wanted them to get better, to sort things through… but not right now! Not caring and sharing time when we should be having the fun times. I wouldn’t allow it. I had to speak up.

“Hold up there B, all of you… just hold up.”

And then I had the attention. It made me plaster on my favourite smile, let it shine bright in my eyes. I had the solution here. Not the answer to the problems, but a damn good fix for the next couple of hours. I focused it all on Dawn. I know that she is having the hardest time making sense out of all of the nonsense. She’s a kid being forced to deal with grown up emotions. And I remember how much that sucks.

“Dawn… over there, what do ya see?” I pointed back towards the entrance, the door that we had just come through.

“Is this eye spy?”

And ex-demons are freaks. “No Anya, not eye spy.”

“It’s the ‘door’ Faith, it’s got a handle and everything… oh, and look…a sign, it says ‘Exit’…” The faked amusement slipped from her voice to be replaced by sullen teenager. “…why?”

“Because outside that door kiddo, is a whole lot of bad stuff. Nasty stuff, the kinda scary shit that keeps me and your sister up at night. The kinds of stuff that we come in here to get away from.” And you know that I had to quickly scan the crowd, had to make sure the undead weren’t bursting my bubble. I was safe. My words were true. “I know it’s hard Dawn, but just for tonight… just let it slide. Forget it. Forget all of the bad stuff and get with the good times. We all deserve a break, ok? All of us.”

I saw the brave smile she tugged to her lips. The soft smile she showed to her sister.

“Were you always so full of good ideas?”

“No way Red, it’s a new addition, I’m still getting used to it myself.” I shot her a grin and sly looked at Cordy. I had meant the words that I said, of course I did. Cordy had heard them before though, I had used pretty much the same speech the last time Angel had caught me goofing off when I was supposed to have been working the books. I went dancing instead. I just don’t do so well with books. Show me a fight and I’ll fight all day, but books..? Not so much.

But it did paper the cracks. Allowed Xander to get Buffy a drink without Dawn biting his arm off. Let the witches grab at hands and pull people up to dance. You know who refused though right? Mr ‘stiff stick up my ass’ English guy.

Sure he was cool, kind of… not really digging the sexy, but either way, he hadn’t loosened up enough. Worked full of kinks, the most strenuous of activity the cursing of the music. And there was no way I was letting him off that easy! Fun was for everyone, not just the willing! I had grabbed him up out of his seat, slayer strength just perfect for the occasion, not anyone able to resist the tug when it was me doing all of the pulling. Led him ominously to the dance floor and damn well forced him to find the groove. Or something.

I dunno what they call it. The funky chicken? But whatever it was he was spazzing it out all over the floor. It added to the occasion, made them laugh, maybe cry tears of down right hysteria…

They WERE all in the right place though. All of them. Each of us helping to show the others the way. Every smile given was gladly returned, encouraging more. Every word spoken without pain being the keys to conversation. As plans go, this one was a good one, it was working. It was working so well that even I was forgetting.

I have this wild side you see, a whole lot of wild sides, but I’ve learnt to tame them, control them. Taught all of them their places, where they belong. But I still know that they’re there. Just waiting for the signal of release. The driving bass line of a song slipping fast through my veins, the techno beat of a hardened classic pulling me off into a trance. And I was letting it seduce me into a frenzy. Every step placed with an absolute assurance that it was the right one, my body gyrating with the pace of the music and yet feeling so much more. It wasn’t just music, it was energy. So much energy to feed from, to add to. I caught eyes as I span, hands latching through mine to join me in a dance, arms swaying with mine, feet stepping with mine. I didn’t even look for her. She was just there.

There wasn’t a moments discomfort, not a moments recognition for anything other than the truth. We just found each other. Maybe because our energy is the strongest? I don’t know… but mine wanted hers, and she was with me before I had to ask. Before I had to wonder. Before I had to doubt. I lost the point of songs, the words of meaning behind them. Didn’t even register as one beat would swing its way into the next. It was just about the moving. About the forgetting. And before I even knew it, it was about the remembering.

Like a tease, something pulling at the back of my mind. The way that her shape curved tight into mine, the way her touches burnt themselves across my skin, just the faintest of touches, pulling back… slide in further, pulling back, eyes locking, pulling back. It was all there. And I revelled in it. Rose to the challenge the way that I always had done. My own caresses feathering across flesh, the heat of my breath finding solace on her neck… breathing in her essence. Her power. Offering the eyes under lashes that had always been for her… always open when we danced together. Always harder to hide. Murmuring words softly on the tip of my tongue, pulling her in closer with each unheard sound. It was our dance.

It was more than a dance. It always had been. And she knows it. I see it.

It’s a silent challenge with a whole heap of promises. Promises that used to keep me up all night sweating, dreams tormented by constant wonder… the offer of just something, enough to keep me intrigued. I had never seen an acceptance to take it further though. Had always been the one that ended the dances last, her first to waltz from the floor, and me just left tapping my toes on my own. But tonight my feet hadn’t been left tapping. They had moved with the assurance of knowing the steps. Her place and my place. Had continued to move until she had stopped pulling back. Until every step closer was the intended step nearer. Until her breath sat as heavy on my neck as mine did on hers. Words heard because they were meant to be heard. To be accepted.

“You always were a great dancer Faith.”

We had always danced well together.

I had laughed a little, the chuckle of exuberance. “You remember?”

My eyes sitting sly, asking if she remembered everything. “You think I could ever forget?”

And that had kept the door with the ‘exit’ sign firmly shut on closed. Validated the way that dancing with her was making me feel. Making all of the little touches mean everything that they had ever meant. As the floor had shook with the thump of a thousand feet all dancing to the same tune, I recognised that finally maybe, regardless of what was back outside that door… me and her truly were in synch.

Those touches she was giving were not teasing touches, filling me with wonder. No. They weren’t tormenting me with what we were not, but rather tantalizing me with what we were, what we could be. The sheen of sweat building across my skin more than the effect of fevered dancing, of pushing my body… it was all a reaction to hers. The tight curve of her flesh no longer sliding into mine, but grinding into mine. Not feeling the essence of her power, but experiencing the full force of it. Demanding, aggressive. Her moves turning into the ones that led mine. Her own eyes sneaking peeks through lashes, her hands gliding through hair, down across flesh. Fingertips tracing the skin of my arms to the beat of the song.

Sometimes just standing next to her is enough to make the world fade. When I danced with her tonight my world exploded. Came back together with us at the centre. Me and her. Everyone else revolving slowly around us. I caught glimpses of their looks, just tossed them back with smiles. I wasn’t ready to find the exit door. Not yet. I really did like this world. The things that it offered.

We span and we span until we couldn’t spin no more. Me the first to break ranks this time. Bringing my hand up to my mouth in the classic ‘get me a drink now or I’m gonna pass out’ manoeuvre. I heard something like a giggle, all girly and cute. Followed her ass as it swayed to the bar.

And in the seconds of respite her eyes took in all of the surroundings. “You know Faith? I never thought I’d dance like that in here again.”

Her voice had hinted a hidden meaning, her gaze slipping up to the balconies and back down to me. A slip of the facade, a nod towards pain. I followed her gaze, just saw people watching. Looking down onto the sea of people below them. I didn’t get it. “What do ya mean B?”

“Nothing, it doesn’t matter…”

“Buffy?” I didn’t want more mysteries. More secrets not told. And I needn’t have worried. I had set the rules, she was just following the game plan.

“Not tonight Faith, okay? Tonight’s for the fun times… remember?”

I recognised the look, the one that said ‘please’. The look that assured me that she did need this fun. As much as me. As much as all of us. Probably even more.

“I remember.” I allowed our eyes to lock for a moment, to show her that I would be there. And then I forced them back into role. Raised my eyebrows up in their arches. “Now is it your round, or should I start calling you the ‘stingy slayer’… it has a ring to it…”

“You think I’m stingy?”

“Well I guess the double meat deli only pays in dimes, but serious B? Normally I dance like that with someone, they can’t wait to buy me a drink.”

“So what are you wanting?”

And was that a low blow? Because her eyes had started dipping their gaze, stealing glances at all of the merchandise. It made me wonder at who’s game plan we were following now, it certainly made me step up to the plate. I could swing with the best of them, I’d never missed a home run. “What am I wanting B? Sounds like a loaded question…” I was slowly backing her into the bar, edging my toes forwards to edge hers ever backwards. My words wrapped in a huskiness that desire always provoked. “…cos if you’re asking about a drink, well… anything with a kick in it.” I lifted my arm to motion at any of the spirits sitting pretty on the wall. Let my hand slip to skin as I brought it back down. Her skin. Just a shoulder. Every touch meant with solid intent. “But if you were asking about something else B, about what I really want… what I need..?”

I could feel my heart pounding with each word I spoke, letting them pull me in, work me up. The buzz of the dance still racing through veins, still pumping with energy. Still looking for release.

“I need a coke Faith, Dawn’s is a lemonade and the witches are on the heavy stuff.”

I had swung round so fast it’s a wonder I didn’t leave my head behind. “Cordy.”

“Uh-huh, Cordy… now drinks?”

Talk about bad timing. By the glint in her eye I guessed that she thought it was good timing. Bitch. I also knew that I would be getting the drinks. I shrugged at Buffy and turned to the tender. Found it increasingly hard to keep my focus as I noticed Cordy slowly stalking B. Let my eyes bulge wide as she dragged her off for a little one on one. Had she forgotten the fun?? No. Not Cordy!

It maybe soured my way back towards the sofa. Handing out the water for the witches and placing the other drinks on the table. Trying desperately hard to keep up my bravado with the gang as I sought out where they had gone. Counting the seconds until they came back again. Showing my worry as only Cordy returned.

“Where’s B?”

“Calm it hound dog, she’s just at the bar, she’ll be back before you know it.”

“In one piece?” I had to ask. I had my doubts.

Her eyes only rolled and went to ignore me. Engaging Giles in some quality chat, all about the visions. So I waited. Counted too many seconds and had quite enough. “Cordy? Bathroom. Now.”

I wanted to know what was said. Where Buffy had got to. I didn’t care for her sigh as she started to rise. I had said fun! Why couldn’t she just have left it for tonight, maybe put on her warrior suit tomorrow?

I questioned her as soon as the door swung shut, turning to face her. “What did you say?”

“You what?”

“I’m not playing Cor, what did you say to her?”

“Oh for crying out loud! Calm it Faith. I told her that it was nice to see her smiling, that I was glad she was doing okay…” And then she smiled this fucking huge smile, so uniquely hers. “…and I told her that if she ever hurts you, even just a little… then I will beat every single inch of her sweet slayer ass. LOTS of times. Is that alright?”

“You really said that?”

“Well what did you think I was saying? ‘Hey Buffy, I think you’re a whinging whining freak and you’ll never ever be good enough for Faith’?”

I smiled my yes. I smiled my sorry. “I’m an idiot.”

“It’s good that you know it.”

I turned towards the sinks and found some cool water for my hands, for my face. “With you and Angel on my case, I can never forget it.”

“We’re just looking out for you.”

And the sincerity behind her words said all that I needed to hear. “You guys are my heroes. You know that Cordy.”

I let the appropriate seconds fall into space, let her know that I meant it. And then I let her know that I was still on my mission for fun times. The night wasn’t over yet. The door marked ‘exit’ was still firmly closed. “So…”

“So what?”

“‘Your Angel’ then huh?” I put all of my emphasis into it.

And her eyes in the mirror shot wide with the horror. “Faith…”

“No Cordy, it’s cool, I get it. You’ve been buying shares in the big guy…”

“No! It’s not like that.”

“It’s not? Cos ya know… ‘My Angel’, in your phone book, it’s got me thinking.”

I could see the warning lights flashing in her eyes. See the banter building in the curve of her smile. “That’s a phone book thing, I have ‘Angel Investigations’ under ‘A’, I needed something different for his personal line…”

“‘My Angel’? That is pretty personal Cor, all kinds of cute.” And my reward was all in her blush.

“Do you take pleasure in tormenting me Faith? Is that it?” I wanted to laugh out loud, mock the innocence that she was sliding into her tone. This girl played the big leagues, a tiny bit of banter would never keep her down. I stalked my way a little closer. Sexy Faith with her eyes on a target. The role I could play in my sleep.

“I take pleasure in every bit of you Cordy, you know it’s the truth.” I winked her a good one. My gaze potent with the pretence of desire.

And she did begin with the laughing. It started me off. Both of us finding so much fun in our oh so familiar game. It covered the sound of the stall unlocking, the little click as it slid to open. It was barely a second before she spoke though. Let us know that she was there.

“You… and Angel? And pleasure with Faith..? What the hell do you guys get up to in LA?”

“B?”

I was kinda surprised to see her standing there. If I’d known where she was I would’ve come looking. On my own. Her surprise was all directing one way though. One target, one focus. “Cordy?”

And what? It hit me suddenly what the question was about, so ready to jump to wrong conclusions, already memories of forever ago, memories of just days ago… so much rejection wanting to take hold. I figured she was pissed about Angel. Cordy had been jealous of the big guy’s feelings for B, maybe this was my time to remember my jealousy of Buffy’s feelings towards him.

“It’s nothing Buffy, we’re friends… ‘good’ friends.”

“It’s nothing..? But I just heard that cute little ‘My Angel’ thingy, that’s a little past ‘good’, right?”

And don’t ya just know that she was damn well laughing too!

“I give up, I swear… Angel and I are just ‘close’ friends.”

“And what about pleasuring Faith? Is that a ‘close friend’ thing too?”

I wanted to bust a gut. I think I nearly did.

“More like ‘in her dreams’, but hey… even slayers have ambition, right girls?”

I was losing it. Not quite sure who I was supposed to be sparring with. Chose my partner carefully. “So what was you doing hiding in the stalls then B? Listening in is a really bad habit.”

“I was not listening in!” I saw how quick she flustered, her grab for an excuse. “I was peeing!”

“ALL that time? You sneaking drinks on the sly?”

And we all knew that she was busted. “Ok, I started with the peeing… then I started listening, and I would’ve come out, really… but with the whining and whinging comments…”

It set me off laughing again. Set Cordy off with some words. “Oh god… I didn’t mean it okay, I was just saying…”

“That I was a whinging whining freak… I caught that bit.”

And in all of the ways that it could have been bad it wasn’t. Instead it was smiles, words of acceptance, banter flowing until it was time to move on. Back to the crowd. Cordy walking first, me following, Buffy taking up the rear. I caught the whisper of words to stop me from leaving. “Faith, wait a minute.”

“What?”

“Can we talk?”

I looked at her, looked at Cordy. “I’ll be out in a minute, I’m just gonna…”

“Whupped!”

And she turned again and left. What could I say?

“What do ya wanna talk about B?” I kept it light, tried for no heavy looks of longing.

“You.”

“Me?”

She was smiling all sweet, heading my way. “I just wanted to say thank you for tonight, for making it easier for me… for everything.”

“No sweat B, we all needed to let off the steam, it was nothing.”

“It wasn’t nothing. It was amazing.” The sweetness was fading fast. Being replaced by something I knew much better. Something that tasted so much spicier than sweet. I stood my ground, let her find her way to me. Followed her mouth with my eyes as she carried on speaking. “You’re amazing Faith.”

I saw her say it. I heard her say it. I looked inside of her and knew that she meant it. ‘I’m amazing’? It didn’t sit so well, I was still getting used to it myself, the being something other than bad. I hid my embarrassment behind my own cock sure words. My own change of accent. My own hint of spice. “I can show you the place that I am amazing B… you show me your sheets and you know I’ll be showing you a wicked hot time!”

And she did smile, but she stopped advancing. Forgot the quiet dance into my space. “No… you’re amazing in lots of places.”

“Well yeah, I’ve rocked a few locations, never was one to stick to the bedroom…”

She leant forwards the distance she hadn’t crossed, and put her finger to my lips. “You were amazing with Dawn, you were amazing with Tara, with Willow… you’ve been amazing with everyone Faith, and tonight, this… giving us all this time off.”

I opened my mouth to make it less. To make it no big deal. Her finger still there though, my tongue flicking out just the tiniest of hints… just less than an instant. I saw as her eyes flew to her hand as I dared to risk my small taste. Her pupils widening as she felt the close contact. When she had spoken again her voice was raw, honest. Just emotion.

“And you’ve been amazing to me Faith, past amazing… I just wanted you to know that, to know that I thought that.”

I took her hand into mine and down from my lips, it was hard to speak when all I wanted to do was to taste. “Thank you. I… uh, I’m speechless?”

And I was. How do you answer that? What can you say to that?

“Speechless?”

“Uh-huh.”

I didn’t say a lot. I did feel a lot. I felt as that last solid space of distance was crossed, as her other hand slid down to join me, both locked, both holding tight. I felt the intensity as her face came closer to mine, as her breath fell onto my lips in the second before contact.

And I spooked.

Me of the always confident and sure. Me of the take before it’s given. I had looked into her eyes in that moment and seen everything that I needed to see, everything I wanted to see, and it had scared the absolute crap out of me. Made the world spin in so many ways. My feet stepping back as I tried to gain a foothold, a level of sense. “B…wait…we can’t…”

Her mouth was set on gaping, her eyes losing the battle between desire and pleading.

“…I said we would save the world first, then this… then…”

“Then ‘us’ Faith, I remember.”

“And we can’t.., we can’t just forget about all that…” I had started to pace again, my boots falling heavy on the floor as I stamped out my logic. “…there’s the witches, and Dawn… you can’t forget about Dawn, she’s so pissed at you.”

She was sat against the sink humouring me. Seriously. A grin in place upon her lips as I argued the case of world savage. “And not just that, we have the prophesy shit to get into, that always needs a clear head… and , and… don’t forget Anya!”

It sounded like I was making a proclamation. I don’t have a clue what I was doing. I hadn’t spoken such crap all in one sentence in ages. None of it making the grin lessen. Her amusement pass. “Anya..? We can’t kiss because of Anya?”

Yeah it sounded ridiculous. It was. “With the wedding B… the game plan?” It didn’t stop me from defending my corner though… from going for more of the ridiculous. “Imagine if she knew we weren’t a hundred percent focused..?”

“She’d be devastated… really, you’re right.” Her words saying one thing as she came steadily closer. And was my heart really supposed to beat that fast? Was it safe? Not just pounding louder, but threatening to crack open my chest cavity. In that moment I had felt desperate. Desperate for her, desperate to stay away from her. Had made a final case in my argument. A good case. A really fucking bad case.

I knew as soon as I said it, that it broke all of my rules. Pushing my own self towards that exit door faster than I could ever have wanted. “What about Spike? We still have to deal with the Spike thing.”

I don’t know if it was my words, or if it was the permanent sneer that sits on my face whenever his name crosses my mind. Falls from my mouth coated in venom. Either way she stopped. Looked at me as if I’d just sucker punched her straight in the guts. It felt like I had.

“Right, Spike!… You’re right.” And her tone hit every business note that I’d just been desperate for her to hit. I hated it. I didn’t mean it. Not now. Not here. “I guess I forgot…”

And I wish it had stayed that way. “It’s cool B, I’m just saying… with everything going on, it’s probably best not to…”

“Yes! Definitely of the bad, really… we should just…”

“Go back to the others… get our drinks.”

“I am feeling thirsty.”

“Yeah… thirsty.”

But neither of us was moving, I couldn’t… it just didn’t seem over. As if everything inside was telling me to stay in this moment. As if it was telling her the same. That vampires didn’t exist in here. Nothing existed beyond the ‘us’.

“Faith.”

I looked up into her eyes, pooling green, pouring into me. Urged her to continue, my own gaze pleading with her to find the right words. To make this ok. Just for now. Just this moment. And she did. Stepping into my space with a soft smile on her lips, sparkling under cheap lighting as she gave me the words that I wanted to hear. Needed to hear. Found me a solution. Reminded me of the game plan. “That over there Faith? What do ya see?”

“I see a door B.” And I gave her the smile that let her continue. Such wise words. The words of a master.

“Well outside that door is all of the bad stuff, nasty stuff… the kind of stuff that keeps me awake at night.”

“Me too.”

“Keeps BOTH of us awake at night…” I shot her a wink, she was doing real well. “…but inside here Faith, we can forget about the bad stuff, just for a minute… just for a moment. In here it’s just the good stuff…” She had slid far enough into my space for me to reach out and touch her. To find her hip with my hand. Sitting so snugly. It made her breath hitch on the last of her words, made her lips quiver. “…the good times.”

I was all about them. We deserved them.

I have never touched anything so tenderly than the way that I touched her right then. Not a challenge or a promise, just the way that I felt. I stopped fighting it. Allowed it to be. My spare hand rose up to slide into hair, my other tightening on her hip to pull her in closer, to meet me in the middle. Sliding finger tips across the small of her back, as I slid my tongue across the expanse of her lips. Teasing them open, showing her the way. I felt her seconds hesitance, maybe wondering if it really was okay, if we could really just let this be. And it made me kiss her harder. Made tender just a memory in the back of my mind as I urged her back against the door, something solid to push against. To push her against. My mouth was consumed with the feel of her tongue inside of me, tasting me, claiming me… everything I had wanted and then some. Her own hands finding purchase on my skin, dragging me so far into her that I knew I would never get out. Would never want to. Wanted more.

It was so fucking easy to just let my hand fall blindly against the curve of her ass, to test the smoothness that I could feel through the tightness of her jeans. Straining out, calling to me. I wrapped my grasp around her leg, forced it up and around me, my kisses more fierce as I felt our centres make contact. The roughness of seams causing friction that aches. That burns. I felt the flood in my panties as I pushed in harder against her, as she matched every beat of my urgency, every push of my hips, her own hand sliding down to cup my ass, pulling me ever more close, as close as we could get. It was fucking crazy, so fucking intense.

My mouth left hers as I found myself soaring. Hid itself against that smooth base of neck, finally able to whisper my words there… to strangle out the sounds rough with hoarseness and desire. “I want you Buffy…”

Losing it again as I sucked hard against her pulse, felt it beating beneath my lips, the heat of the blood that rushed through her veins. I could barely hold on as her voice rang heavy through my ears, the rhythm of her frantic breathing stopping to accentuate words. Words of HER wants, of HER needs. It was driving me fucking insane. Had me looking for an outlet. She bent into my touch as I fixed her other leg around me, lent herself back against the door as my fingers found the way to the base of her top. Sliding up across her navel so taut and tight, up into places I barely remembered as a reflection. But she had never looked this perfect then. Not when I shouldn’t have been looking.

My other hand rested flat, pushing up against her back, something for her to lean against as my searching fingers inched ever upwards to meet the laciness of a bra. It seemed right that she would be in laciness, it made me want to see, to bring her silky top up over her head. To fix my eyes on a place where I was having no trouble finding the fun. I didn’t though. I couldn’t put her down long enough, not even a chance. I placated my mind with a slide of my hand, cupping around her breasts as my mouth again sought hers, each suck she made on my tongue growing harder as I twirled a rock solid nipple within the grasp of my fingertips. Brought them up through lace to graze rough against my palm, the only thing as hard as the push of my hips.

It all made me so unaware of all of the thumping, lost in the belief that only we existed, only this existed. Pretending that it was my heart, not the steady increase of hands against the door, others demanding entry, no way as important as the entry that I was demanding. I kissed her harder to lose it, this was OUR door, no one else’s to open, to break this moment. The hands pulling me into her demanded the same. Knew the consequence of stopping, of letting the world come crashing back. Her mouth tore away from mine as the roughness of seam against seam became ever more insistent, as my hands became harder in the places they stayed. One hand to her breast, one hand on her back. Just let it be. Just breathe it.

It all heightened the moment, knowing what was waiting for us. All the shit that was waiting for us. Made her say my name as I found her pulse point with lips again, my tongue running rampant across the curve of sweet skin, drinking up her goodness, my mind spinning in the reality. I didn’t even notice as my hand left the lace, as it tore out from under barriers to expose her skin to fresh air. Her top pulling down as I glided the same way, not a moment to even look as my mouth wrapped around the hardness of her nipple, sucking, swirling… drawing it all out of her. My name still breathing out from her lips was taking me over the edges, over all of my edges. I felt her back muscles tighten as I slid harder against her, my last insistence, answered the knock on the door with a knock of our own. Just feeling it.

Her legs in a death grip, my mouth in the same. The last of my senses had raised my hand to her lips, felt her teeth as they bit solidly down across my thumb. I may have yelped. I don’t fucking care. It stopped her from screaming.

I tried to draw breath again as she slowly rode it out. The most fucking intense moment of my whole entire life. I had all of my clothes on, she had all of her clothes on, and I’d never felt more naked with anyone. More open, more honest. Every feeling that I had ever had for her was resting just at the back of my throat, just waiting to be voiced. I did everything I could to find some composure, held my arms as firm as I could as she slid herself down, her feet touching ground again… unsteady but not unsure. The satisfied smile that crossed her lips in the instant before she spoke was the surest thing that I had ever seen.

“I think I just found the fun.”

And damn, I just put my head to her head and laughed out my feelings instead. She had spoken the words with such innocent bemusement, an innocence I would’ve bet that she didn’t possess anymore… an innocence I didn’t think I would ever be able to feel. “As a game plan it was good.”

“Gooder than good.”

“Great?”

“Just kiss me again Faith.” And there was no more innocence left anywhere in that tone. There was hunger, hunger for more. A hunger that I couldn’t refuse. Didn’t refuse. My lips wrapped around hers again without need for more invitation, her mouth sliding open, her tongue duelling against mine. Hands back to asses, seams back to seams.

So fucking painful. I just wanted her, I god damn, straight out, needed her. My body demanded it, my mind demanded it. And my heart absolutely demanded it. The fuckers outside the door to our existence though, they demanded a whole lot different.

“LADIES! OPEN UP! NOW!”

And that had sounded like one hell of a pissed butch dyke, waiting on taking a whiz. What was there to do, other than laugh right? There was no way I was opening this door with tears in my eyes. I could take the pain. It came out more a high pitched chuckle, B’s eyes locking with mine in complete understanding. Her own laugh finding form too.

And it’s messed up when the world comes crashing back. When you look around the room where you just gave everything up, and only see the starkness of a restroom. The peeling paint, the cracks in the mirrors. It distorts the reflection, makes it seem less real. Makes you wonder how you ever came to have Buffy Summers still standing, breathing heavy in your arms. How you could ever have the slickness of her skin finding the heat against your own. “You think we should open the door?”

And her eyes flying too. Catching all of those cracks, the refractions of light. “Oh my god.”

Like her soft little mantra. I had to agree. What the fuck were we doing? This was never my game plan, I was sure it wasn’t hers. “That was… intense.., right?”

She did a highpitched insanity sound. Confirmed it with her words. “That was insane.”

And I kept on agreeing. I agreed until I thought my sides would split, until we had to hold each other upright to stop from falling over in the ridiculousness of it all. Our mistake was moving away from the door. Allowing the big butch security guard who was all sorts of man to come crashing through to find us. The pissed gaze just making it harder to stop laughing. It was sobering to see the Scoobs though. Made us both try our hardest at standing. At appearing ready for chastisment.

Oh, if only they knew. Which of course most of them did.

“Faith.” And it was Cordy who hit ice cold. Freezing fucking cold. Was there anything other than shrugging my shoulders?

“I needed to pee Cor… I’m sorry alright?”

“And the Buffster was helping you?” I had winced at Xander’s quickly falling sense of ignorance. As Anya punched hard in the arm, shocking the truth into him. “OH!”

Oh indeed. “If you were doing what half of this club assumes that you were doing…” I looked around, and there were a few spectators. A whole queue of desperate chicks all needing to pee. Shooting me death glares, not one of them as fierce as Cordy’s. “…what I KNOW you were doing, I’m not impressed Faith.”

Would it have been wrong to say that I had been? Had just been all sorts of impressed?

I didn’t act the jerk though, I tried placating. Tried softening a scene which I didn’t need the world watching. “Cordy, can we just leave it for now… please?”

“Oh I don’t know Faith… it just seems so much more fun to torment you!”

“Oh god.” And the mantra was back from the girl at my side, my hysterical chuckles returning with gusto.

“We heard that phrase a minute ago Buffy, and ya know… for a second? I was worried you guys were killing each other, then I remembered that we were over that now… kinda makes me wonder…”

“Wills, please. Stop!”

The guy with ‘security’ emblazoned across his chest was less with the fun times. More with the, “You ladies have caused enough of a disturbance for tonight, both of you out, now!”

And we marched that messed up walk of shame. Back to the sofas, picking up coats, not picking up gazes. Giles the sitting stalwart, not even commenting on the fact of the matters. I guessed his English knickers were all up in a twist. My American ones were twisted all over the place.

Real sobriety came with Dawn though. The bubble threatening to burst in that instant. The hurt in her gaze which was all for me. And yes. I felt that moment of oh so fucking guilty. I came here for this kid, and now I was hooking up with her sister in the bathrooms of The Bronze. Hardly the right thing to do. Not something to laugh about. It stopped me cold. Tara’s understanding smile doing nothing to ease my conscience.

I sat down next to Dawn, tried to pretend that she wasn’t inching away from me, ducking her head as I ruffled at her hair. “Hey kid.”

“My name’s Dawn. You remember?”

And yes I felt that. All the way through. Understood it. “Hey, look at me.”

“Leave me alone.”

“Dawn?” I placed my fingers to her head, turned her around, sighed at the sight of the pain on her face. “Look I’m sorry, that was really dumb of me… I didn’t think.” She looked so defiant, so angry. “It had nothing to do with you okay? Anything between me and your sister is nothing to do with you and me.”

The whole of the gang were hanging onto each of my words. It was all kinda crazy in itself. As if they believed in the things that I said. And it certainly didn’t make me feel comfortable, baring myself. Opening up to an audience.

“I thought that you came here for me.”

“Hey, you KNOW that I did.”

“And you just…what? You ‘accidentally’ fell for my sister? For Buffy? No matter what she’s done?”

“That’s more truth there than you know kid.” She didn’t argue my choice of name this time, just looked down at the floor. Refused to meet my eyes. “I promise ya Dawn, when I came here it was all about you. I would never have come back otherwise.” I looked at all of the others, looked at Buffy. “I mean it.”

“That guard is still ogling us, if we plan on leaving without the beating we should probably start moving about now…”

Xander’s words brought it back into focus. Tara being the one that stayed at Dawn’s side. All of us marching steadfastly to the door marked ‘exit’. I hung back for a moment, maybe one breath more. She was right at my side and she did just the same.

“Are you ready for this B?”

“Am I allowed to say no?”

I chuckled, no joy. “Afraid not.”

“Right, of course not. Duty always calls.”

“Loud and clear.”

All the things holding me back were all the reasons that I needed to step forwards. Both of our reasons. I didn’t expect her hand to slip down to mine. Didn’t expect the fingers to curl and wrap soft against my own. I know that I smiled at that. Not hysterically, just contentedly. When we had first walked through those doors I had wanted to find some fun. Wanted everyone to have a moments break. Some rest and recoup before the bad shit hit. I thought I could bring the gang closer again, that I could help build the bridges there. I had never ever imagined that I would be facing the real world again with my hand held so firmly in Buffy’s. I didn’t feel the chill as we hit the darkness of night. Felt a little in Dawn’s gaze, but nothing that told me I couldn’t repair it. And I didn’t stumble as B’s hand left mine to go seek out her sister… nope. I just gave her a smile and waited on a return. Whenever that was. Whenever the world faded again.

My step was matched by the witches and Cordy. Anya and Giles filling the rear with shop talk. Xander still lost in the daze he had found outside of the restroom. I didn’t say anything, I had nothing to say.

“Are we heading back to Buffy’s or do you wanna head straight home, fit in a patrol?”

“Uh..?” I shrugged out my lack of knowledge to Cordy. How did I know what Buffy wanted me to do? I knew what I wanted. Where I wanted.

“Of course you’ll come back to ours Faith!”

“I will?” The red head was full of smirks, still clinging to the last of that fun that we had found.

“Oh yeah! You can’t possibly have shown Buffy the whole of the alphabet yet, you were only in there… what? 20 minutes? Half an hour?”

“26 minutes, I was counting.”

“Sweet Cordy.”

“Not as sweet as your face when the bouncer swung open the door.”

It had them all amusing themselves with the memory. I found my eyes fixing on the place that wasn’t amused. On the sisters up front. “Dawn’s pretty pissed though, huh?”

“She’s just shocked… it’s been a tough couple of days for her. You should talk to her. Straighten it out.”

“I will do Tara, we really didn’t mean… you know?”

“To go panty wrangling in the bathroom?”

“Hey! No panties were wrangled!”

It was a weak argument, but it was the truth. All that fun and not a panty removed. I wasn’t sure if I should smile or sob. Settled on the smiling. I think it encouraged all the rest of their banter, remarks which they all found to laugh at. I swear when Buffy had headed off to Dawn I had thought that she was being all sisterly and responsible. Now I wonder if she wasn’t just being damn clever. Avoiding the barrage of all the teasing remarks. It was a good job I had a tough skin, a lesser girl may have been reduced to her knees. It was unrelenting. Especially Willow. Maybe she needed the laughs the most, felt the bad stuff the closest. I was almost happy to be able give them. To let her have her fun.

“We have a whole lotta food back at ours Faith… that’s gotta sway ya?”

“Food?”

“Well you took care of one half of the H’s, you must be hitting on starving…”

And I laughed right along with her because I knew that she was right. I WAS fucking starving. Not released from the other H. Not a chance. Still aware of Buffy’s every move, the rise and fall of her feet, the curve of her ass. The small of her back just peeking out from that soft silky top. I swear I could still feel my handprint there. Holding her up. Holding her firm. I sighed all the way home. Silently sighing. I stayed behind to let them go in first, knowing that she would come back to me. I just knew it.

“You not coming in Faith?”

“Apparently I have to, I need to teach you the alphabet and take care of the hungry.” I threw my look to the door. “Not sure what order, you’ll have to check with Red.”

“They give you a hard time huh?”

And I could only roll my eyes somewhere to the back of my head. It had been taunting at its best. The teasing kind. “All that and then some.”

“I’m sorry, I just… with Dawn.”

“Yeah I figured.” This time my sigh wasn’t silent. I didn’t feel like I needed to hide myself so much anymore. “How is she?”

“She’ll be fine, she loves you. It’s just a shock. Another shock.”

“This world is full of them.”

I guess the tone in my voice slipped the smile from her lips. I didn’t mean to. I had to. I could feel the badness out here. Watched understanding slip into her eyes as she registered the same.

“I guess the fun times are over.”

“I can feel the bad stuff B, it’s making me itch.”

She stepped closer and I let her. Not to scratch my itch, thoughts flying from there to the thoughts of the now. The world. “You know that we’re gonna beat it all. It doesn’t stand a chance.”

“This is me here Buffy. I know how bad it feels, how big it feels.”

Her sigh was a match for mine as she found my hand again. Silence enough to confirm that she felt it. Understood it. The only other person that could. The sharer of my burdens. “‘We’re gonna save the world and then we’re gonna save ourselves’, you said it Faith, I believe it.”

And I let myself calm in the strength of her presence. In the right words that she knew how to say. “Then I guess I believe you too.”

“You better do!”

“I kinda do.”

“Faith!”

I laughed at the expression that sat on her face. My chuckles fading fast as her gaze only intensified. As she showed me again how hot desire looked upon her. How it made her pulse, made me pulse.

I tried to suck in a breath, a last shout at reason. “We’re not inside that door anymore B… are you sure this is safe?”

“I’m sure this is right.” She shrugged as she leant up and kissed me softly on my lips. “Lets just take it slow...”

And damn right my eyebrows raised! Was she ‘forgetting’ the last hour of existence?

“Ok… slower.” She giggled a touch of nervous laughter. “That back there, in the bathroom..? Kinda wow! All known kinds of ‘wow’… maybe some unknown kinds of ‘wow’ too…”

I nodded my approval.

“…but you were right. We have so much else to think about, to worry about. A whole damn world pressed down upon our shoulders… and me.” Her voice still carried a slither of the distaste. Disbelief. “I have so much to make up for… I don’t want you to think I forget how wrong I was. I don’t expect this to be too easy.”

“It just is what it is B.” I tucked a stray hair back behind her ear. Let my fingertips rest softly against her. “We’ve got so much to fight, there’s always so much to fight… maybe fighting this is just a waste of resources… I don’t… I’m not saying I’ve forgotten, I wish that I had… but damn it… has anything ever felt this right to you before?” I just said what wanted to be said, not thinking thoughts just speaking them. I trusted my instincts. I trusted myself. “I want to be with you Buffy, whether that’s slowly, surely, an inch at a time… I know what I want. I know who I want.”

“And did I tell you that you’re amazing?”

“And didn’t I promise that I’d show ya?”

I broke the moment of heaviness. It wasn’t needed, not right then. We have so much to face, big bads, our bads, a whole fucked up world of bads. And at this moment, in this night, I know that facing it all with her is the best way to go. The only way to go. I won’t promise her slow, I won’t show her fast. I’ll let the world set the pace. Put my trust in us knowing which steps we should take. Which bridges to cross. Let each and every minute show us how to get better.

I had known when I crossed the threshold, back into the house, that it wasn’t an escape. That this door could never shield us from the badness of all of the world. Maybe tonight I had realised that it didn’t really matter… that we could shield each other. It’s what we are here for. The chosen two.

CHAPTER 22.

Dedication: Oh oh oh... also, this is for Katrien. Cos she kicks such solid ASS! You rock girl. You are still my hero of the Latin. Thank you :)

POV Buffy.

It’s really, really hard to remember the fun times, when the bad times won’t stop nipping at your ass. When duty is the only thing that’s allowed to fill your head from the minute you wake up, till the minute you fall wearily back to bed. And even then, no respite. No escape from dreams which haunt the periphery of your night vision. Screaming. So much damn screaming. My head would toss and turn with it, my limbs would tense and tighten with it, and in amongst all of that noise, I just couldn’t get a fix on what the source of the problem was. Slayer dreams at their sweetest. Why the PTB couldn’t just send us a detailed itinerary I’ll never know. No. Way too easy. A much better plan would be to send disjointed fragments of dreams, which leave me trembling with such fear, that fighting evil is the last thing I want to do. Yep! Full marks of planning to the PTB!

At least they have a plan. Our plans involve babysitting. Watching over the witches and waiting for a bad that we’re still not sure we believe in. Faith is sure. After she had spoken again to Angel, she had assured us all that it was the truth. It didn’t matter what Giles had to say, what Anya had to say. She has complete conviction in Angel. I have complete conviction in her. And of course the dreams. Hopefully not the kind that come true.

All it leaves us with is the name of a thing that we can barely pronounce. That we can’t even begin to understand. It sounds something like ‘Geraldo’. Straight up, the talk show host on the telly? I always thought that he was a little off… but not soul sucking evil leech off. It gives Dawn more excuse to watch the tragedy that is that talk show though, her eyes glazing over as she concentrates fully on the traumas of alcoholic parents and the affect that it has on the kids. I wonder if she thinks it would be a better life. Definitely more stable. I argued with her that it wasn’t really valid research, but she just raised her eyebrows and said she was doing research into the leechy moustache that sits just under the guy’s nose. What can you say to that?

As plans go she was leading the field. Cordy had hightailed it back to LA, going to retrieve Angel’s extensive information… but for us good guys here in Sunnydale? Nothing.

Every single second since the Bronze has been a torturous round of research, watching the witches, and working the Doublemeat. I’ve read more Latin than I’ll ever understand, but again, we aren’t getting anywhere. We’ve had snippets of information from Spike, all the news from the undead grave-vine. I almost resent it. Hate it so much. I see the way that he revels in it, the way that he almost taunts us with it before he’ll give it up. It’s not like we can beat it out of him, he is all that we have to go on right now. So I accept his predatory gazes, the darkness in his eyes as he tries to pretend that it’s all okay. That I can still even look at him without wanting to tear out my eyes. Erase every memory.

Maybe he thinks that it holds sway with me. That I’m on his side. That we shared something special..? All I know is that to me it feels like sickness, a sickness that I don’t ever want to remember, something that I never want to feel again.

I let the breeze in the air carry my thoughts away. Lean myself back against the wall and look for some sunshine. It is there, just behind the clouds. You only have to know where to look for it. I search out the tiny rays that have found a way to break through, let them caress my bare shoulders and infuse me with a little warmth. Let my mind wander for just a second, just one minute away from duty. I have ten minutes before Wills finishes classes, I can indulge.

Indulge is a word that makes me smile. I don’t care if I look like the crazy girl with a manic sized grin plastered firmly from ear to ear. I am insane. It’s almost official. And I love it. I love the way that just one flash to the memory of kissing her lips is enough to make me feel that everything is worth living for. I had felt the beginnings of it on my birthday, and in that murky little bathroom in the Bronze, I had found my truth in it. Just breathing in that same space of air as her makes me feel alive. Maybe more alive than I ever felt. I don’t know.

I remember touches of feelings I had never let grow. The touches before all of the bad ones had come. Touches in sparring, in training, in dancing. They had always meant something to me, a thing which I treasured, a thing that I had held dear. And now in my state of indulgence I have to wonder if they hadn’t always meant this. That somewhere underneath it all, we weren’t always destined to have this strength of feeling for each other. It had just always seemed so… naughty? Yeah. It was wrong. Wrong the way that slaying at her side had always made me rush home with thoughts about laying at her side. The surety in Angel’s presence, being knocked sideways by the complete confusion in hers. The danger scared me, the ride thrilled me. And it all ended up so badly. I stopped trying to work it through a long, long time ago. I spent that first few months after grad trying to understand what had happened, how so much had gone wrong. Why?

I think I had even started accepting some of the responsibility. So much so that when she had come back to us from that coma, I would have forgiven her everything. Would have offered her the hand that I had always meant to offer. Maybe offered everything that I had always meant to offer?

And I can’t take the blame for the next one. For what happened then. It still hurts to remember. It still feels like a blur.

It’s a time that I will never understand until I have had the time to talk to her about it. It certainly killed my sense of forgiveness, my need to bring her back to us. I hated what she did. How she did it. The ways that she hurt me. I hated it so much that it was more than easy to forget how much I had hurt her too. It didn’t matter… I had been ready to forgive, to accept, and she had thrown that back at me. In the end, all I had gained from that whole experience was more confusion. Not knowing what any of the feelings which invaded me meant. What she meant.

Could I really hate this girl in front of me, the one who was broken, who was asking for just the shot at making it right? Making it better. Could I hate the girl who had turned herself over to the police, because she believed that it was what I wanted? That it would prove that she was changing. That she was sorry.

God. I tried to make it hate. I succeeded in making it hate. It was so much easier than ever crossing the boundaries to the truth.

I hear Willow’s incessant chatter in the distance and look to see her walking my way surrounded by friends. Not people I know, nothing to do with the Scoobs. Just friends. Her eyes not bearing the worry of the world, but rather lighting with the thrill of the intellectual banter. It makes her shine, it makes me smile my greeting to her.

“Hey Wills, hard day at the office?”

She makes her goodbyes to the crowd and turns to me with a smile of her own. “Hey Buffy, you got the ‘babysitting Willow’ job for today then?”

“I requested it… I thought we could maybe get coffee?”

There hasn’t been the time yet to make my apology to Willow. To recover the connection that as best friends we have let slip. I have let slip. All the times that she had sought to see that I was okay, and I had brushed her aside to find my okay in him. It’s kind of repulsive. A repulsion I can imagine in her eyes, in the way that we have barely spoken since the other night. It forces my tone to embrace perky, my hand to clasp around hers as I try to cling on to the idea of friendship.

“Coffee’s good… although with the crazy super strong handholding, I may have to take mine through a straw…”

“Huh..? Oh… oh, right!” I let go of her hand and wince as she shakes some feeling back through it. “So how were classes?”

“Surprisingly good. I was worried I’d be distracted by the impending doomyness, but nope! It was nice to have something else to focus on… I’m SO losing my love of the Latin.”

“I hear ya Wills.” I lead her off in the direction of the coffee house. “No more love for Latin, and no more love of Geraldo.”

“Hirudo.”

“See!” I open my eyes wide, use my hands to exclaim it too. “I still can’t even remember the thing’s name… I have Dawn’s obsession with a chat show host, Faith’s insistence on calling it ‘rude dude’… Giles insisting it probably isn’t even real. I need a vacation.”

“The end of the world pretty much includes the whole world though Buffy, where ya gonna go to?”

Was I supposed to have answers for everything? “Oh, I don’t know, I just… a break would be nice.”

I see her gaze take on a faraway look, imagining her own kind of break. Her own time away from all of the crap. When her words come they sound like pleading. “Hey, you think that when all this is over, we’ll be able to get away for a few days? Maybe visit the guys in LA?”

“When all this is over Wills, we can do whatever we like. I’m gonna decree it.”

“See… you are mastering the Latin! Today a ‘decree’, tomorrow the, ‘Hirudo Beluosa.’”

It sounds so poetic, the way she lets it fall from her tongue. Shame it’s a great big soul sucking demon leech from the very pits of evil itself. “How about we abandon the foreign languages for today and concentrate on the coffee?”

“It’s a plan!”

And I KNEW I had a good plan in me somewhere! I take her arm and pull her the last of the distance to the house of the caffeine induced goodyness. Slide her into a booth and make my way to the counter. It’s fun to watch Wills get sloshed on the heavy stuff, but today we’ll keep it light. No crazy twitching and face pulling whilst I’m trying to work my way through apologies and explanations. I set the cups down and settle myself down. I don’t have to pretend anymore, I don’t have to offer my best friend the eyes that lack all sorts of anything. Don’t have to banish the real words behind the false ones. Her eyes are soft and green as they fall to rest on me, and I can see how hard she isn’t going to make this. How reassuring it is as her hand drops to mine and gives me the squeeze to continue.

“I guess you know what this is right?”

“My senses tell me coffee, but I’m gonna say we’re going with deep and meaningful.”

“Always so smart.” I draw in that breath that needs to be drawn, let it flow out. “I’m sorry Wills, I’m sorry for all of it… sorry for abandoning you, the others, sorry for lying to you…”

“It’s ok.”

It is?

“No Will, it’s not okay, I have to face up to what I did, the people I’ve hurt.”

“Yeah, facing up is of the good, but if you start, we all have to start… could take some time.”

“I don’t think anyone else comes close to touching my badness.”

She shakes her head a little, not morosely, more in disbelief. “Oh wow, you always have to be the front runner… Faith kills people, I go super suped up on the big bad mojo, Dawn gets all hari-kari with the whisky, Anya’s an ex-demon who took joy in evisceration… but you still think you’re leading the field for badness. Is it ego?”

And is she serious?

“You’re not mad at me? You don’t wanna turn me into a toad or something?”

“Nothing amphibious!”

Her eyes have flown wide and I forgot all about the frog fear. “Back up, breathe!”

It’s funny in the way that she just is funny. The Willow way.

“Breathing, backed up…” She slides me a little wink and I slide her a huge fat smile. “…but no, no turning, no madness… a little confusion, hurt. Definite wigging.”

“You’re wigging?”

“Double wigging.”

I let my face show the gravity of the double wiggings. “That’s pretty bad huh?”

“Well, it’s not everyday that you find out that your best friend is sleeping with a blood guzzling dead guy…” She pauses as I nod. “…OH! Wait!”

And now I think I’ll knot my brows in confusion, “Huh?”

“I guess I should be used to it. You and the blood sucking dead guys…” In the end I settle for shaking my head and holding in the laughter. Letting her continue on her merry journey of humiliation. “…honestly Buffy? I’ve been thinking, and maybe you have an addiction too? Me and you could be sponsors… with the meetings, the twelve step path to recovery…”

“You’re a dope Will.”

She raises her eyebrows to tell me that she knows, that she plays it on purpose. That she wanted this to be bathed in light and not all about the heavy. It is a little heavy though. I still want to make it better.

“I never meant to go there, to go to him… I just, with everything.” And the sighs make their expected return. “I felt so bad being back, you guys were so… happy, so into the good times… at first I just didn’t want to break that. To ruin it for you.”

“You could of told us Buffy. We would’ve worked it out… there was gonna be movie nights…”

“I wish that I had. But he was there… and it felt like he understood me, knew the place I had come from…”

“The ground?”

“Death. It’s all I could taste at first, all that I could see.”

“And I was too wrapped up in my magic to even notice… I’m sorry Buffy.”

Huh? Her voice is soft and solemn and she’s speaking out of turn. This is my apology to make. Me who was wrong. I accept that. “No way. It wouldn’t have made a difference, I just… all I wanted was to be dead again, to be back where I had come from… to feel safe.”

I can feel the familiar feeling again. The warmth and the comfort. It did feel like my mother's arms, and I did miss it terribly.

“We didn’t realise Buffy, we thought… or I thought, that you were somewhere kinda helly… I never would of taken you from there if we had known.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore Wills, I’m happy to be back… it’s taken a while, I can admit that, but now I’m firmly of the happy.” I smile to prove it, she smiles right back. “All I want to do now is to beat this thing and get on with living. Not too much to ask?”

“The perfect thing to ask.”

We chink our cardboard cups together, as if we can confirm it with the gesture. Both of us wanting to get back to the happy times. “Anyway, enough of my grossly morosely bad stuff, what about you… what have you been up to?”

“Mostly just Tara.”

I can’t help but laugh a little. “It didn’t have to be sex Wills, I meant in general…”

“But it IS all I’ve been doing.” Her grin is all sexy and cute. “We’re practically under house arrest, we’re still getting used to the being back togetherness… and oh yeah, somehow we’re the key to big honking bad evil… what do you think we do Buffy? Talk politics?”

“Okay, point taken.” I had thought that all the hours spent up in their room was avoidance of me, or a deep devotion to research. It made more sense to think that they were just a pair of wanton hussy horn dogs. Made me realise that all the time I had been spending thinking about Faith, didn’t make me such a bad person after all. The easiness with which the duty thoughts were replaced.

“And you and Faith? You past the talking about politics stage yet?”

The coffee flies from my mouth in a perfect stream through the air. “Uh… politics?”

“Oh come on. The Bronze… you must know we’re not all stupid. Except Xander… he still isn’t sure he believes it.”

“I… we…” I know my mouth is trying hard to work, but what to say? How to explain it?

“I know, I know… you finally slipped out the stick and got with the girly loving… it’s great, right?”

“NO!” I turn red as the whole establishment looks towards us. Throw my widened eyes straight to Willow’s in a way that says, ‘Stop. Now. Or face the wrath of a pissed off slayer’. It’s good to see her laughing, catching the gazes of the onlookers.

“Nothing to see here folks. It’s tourettes… she’s medicated.”

And god, how does she sound so serious? I follow the shakes of heads from the crowd. The sympathetic glances. She is SO bad! “Thanks Will, as if the people of this town didn’t already think I was strange enough.”

“You can never be too strange!”

I nod my supposed agreement. Wonder what it would ever be like to be normal. “You do know though, we didn’t… you know… in the bathroom… we weren’t…”

“I know that silly, just teasing.” She arches the devilish eyebrows again. “Faith filled us in, just a little kissy kissy… nothing more, nothing less.”

“She filled you in?”

“We threatened to put a truth spell on her, she had no choice.”

I had thought that Faith had the better deal the last couple of days, watching the witches whilst I flipped the burgers. Now maybe I’m not so sure. The witches are evil. “That’s kinda mean.”

“And you’re kinda dopey.”

I am? I don’t know. I know I’m losing the thread of the conversation. I just vaguely nod, hope it covers it.

“Faith was just setting us straight… I think we over-teased her, she isn’t so keen on teasing, you should remember that.” And devilish again. “She really thinks a lot of you…”

“And I think a lot of her.” She’s almost all I think about in fact. “I don’t know what would have happened if she hadn’t come back when she had… if she hadn’t been there for everyone…” My voice slips right back into the tone of solemn. Not sad, just honest. A truth that shouldn’t be laughed at. “…it was her Wills, seeing her again… remembering her, it all made me want more… made me want to live again, she just made me feel like living. Crazy right?”

“Not crazy.” She smiles so I continue.

“And then realising that she felt how she did, seeing the ways that she looked at me… god it scared me so much. I knew the truth. Knew how bad I was, how disgusting.”

“Hold up on the big words Buffy, it was a mistake. We all make them.”

“Exactly!” My head was nodding like a rocker in a mosh pit. “I saw how much she had changed, the way that she had made herself better, beaten her mistakes… and it just, I believed in her. I believed that I could get better… and the way she made me feel Wills?” She is hanging onto my words. Hearing each of them. “All I want now is to be good enough for her.” And it’s the truth. I wanna wash all of the bad stuff away, banish the disgust so that I can stand in front of her and offer her everything that she deserves.

“Buffy!”

What? My mind is still offering everything that Faith deserves. She deserves a lot. I shake it though, regain some focus. “Huh?”

“You are good enough! You’re super good, like the goodest…”

“Not a chance, but thanks for saying it.” Now her eyes flash something other than happy. I don’t need sympathy, I’m not on a downer, I just know the truth. “Look Willow, these last few months I’ve been doing everything I can to make myself less, to make myself nothing… it’s a long way back, I get that.”

“I think that you’re wrong.”

“You do?”

“I know how she feels about you, regardless of the bad stuff.”

I have to sigh, and again it’s not sad. It’s just realisation of truths. “I abused her feelings before Wills, I don’t want to do that again.”

And it’s her turn to look confused. “Huh?”

I settle myself down, get ready to impart some ‘Buffy and Faith 101’. History for the masses. “You think I don’t know how she felt about me back then? The things that she offered me, the way that she made me feel?… I knew it all Wills, god, I couldn’t stand next to her without feeling the heat of it, the burning…”

And I do remember. The sparring. The training. The dancing.

“…and I took that, I played it, and I ignored it. I told her that she had made me a victim…” I pause to draw breath, to bitter laugh the truth to myself. “…yet all the time I knew how much that I had hurt her too. I let myself believe I was innocent, that I was better… could I have been more stupid?”

“Well, to be fair… she went psycho and killed people.”

“Besides the point!” And I know it isn’t, but it isn’t the point for now. “I just don’t want to play her again. I want this to be real.”

She gives me all the compassion, all the friendship, everything I could need with the look in her eyes. In the touch of her hand that sits warm against mine. “It is real Buffy, we all see it. From the minute she came back we saw it…”

“I hope so.”

“I KNOW so! In fact I decree it!”

My heart is pounding with the thought of love with Faith. Like my whole life it wanted to beat this way and I never let it, and now I have, it’s working overtime to compensate. My hormones are doing the same. I’m trying to ignore them. It’s all about the love. Uh-huh.

“I double decree it.”

I think back to the bathroom in the Bronze. So much and so little. And barely a minute to see her since. Lots of phone time. But no real time. No physical time. No ‘god damn it Faith, if you don’t touch me now I swear I shall explode… and hey, when ya do touch me..? I’m gonna be exploding anyway!’… no. Not a minute of time for that reality. I guess the world of badness decrees it. I slurp on my coffee till the noise which signals the empty cup, becomes annoying. Wiggle it at Willow, get up to get more. It feels so good to be in her space again… my best friend, and it feels like the first time I have spoken to her in months. It feels like a lifetime. I look back to her and smile, see her return it with gusto. I didn’t know how much I had missed her. How much I had missed everything in this crazy little thing called life.

I slide my way back to the seat after securing the caffeine. It’s probably not such a hot idea, more of the hard stuff, sleeping with the nightmares is bad enough. Extra stimulants definitely won’t help. I’m feeling carefree though. Like I could take on the world and win.

“So aside from the heavy stuff Buff, what’s it like?”

“Huh?”

“Well ya know, you… and Faith. Together. Kinda kooky right?”

I grin and shake my head back and forth. “Not so much with the kooky, to tell you the truth it feels a whole lot like destiny… that sounds insane right?”

“I guess it makes sense, ‘the chosen two’. Kinda puts you together whether you like it or not… definitely all destined.”

“It’s more than that Wills, it’s the power, the strength… the whole damn calling. They always say ‘one girl in all the world’… well we changed that, and it feels like we changed it for a reason. Like we knew how lonely it was, how hard it could be…and we said screw it. Almost like we were made for each other.”

And that was heartfelt. Doesn’t stop the giggles. The rolling of eyes. “You are so whupped, as in bad… as in ‘oh this feels like destiny’… smoted!”

And I don’t care. If this is whupped, then I love whupped. I love Faith. I can feel it.

“Thanks for your support and mockery of my heartfelt emotion!” I poke her in the side, just a little dig. “I forgot how good sharing with best friends was.”

“Hey, I do support you! Anything you want help with… any tips you might need? I’m happy to share, I‘m share gal!”

“Tips?”

“For the action stations. The girly loving baby!”

She thinks she can embarrass me. And I wanna cry out my laughter. Instead I force out the words. “Really Wills, that is SO nice of you to offer, but ya know?” She shakes her head, looks intrigued. I lift my hand, wiggle my fingers. “I’ve been practicing on myself for years now, really… I’m sure I can figure it out!”

And I wink, and I crow. Victory to the slayer. She just nods. And she looks. And she blushes. And I am SO the winner here. Take on Buffy and you know you’re going down.

I watch her compose herself, watch her mouth open in defeat. “I always knew you were super with the flexible.”

“Huh?”

“Well I wasn’t offering finger tips.” She lets her tongue peek out from between her pale pink lips, lets it run all the way around in the smallest dance of seduction. Barely there. Definitely noticeable. “And hey Buffy, if you’ve been practising ‘that’ on yourself for years… totally flexible. Big with.”

What can I do? I poke out my tongue.

“Well it looks to be in working order… you want to demonstrate further?”

And I laugh. And I admit defeat. It wasn’t really a fair fight, she does have more experience than me. “I’m saving the demonstrations Wills, and believe me, if I need tips?”

She smiles, she feels like a winner.

“I’ll be sure to ask Tara!”

And we descend again into giggles and fun. I love this. I love every minute of this.

“Tara is good, the best even… I’m thinking with Faith though, she’ll show you the way.” Her eyes go wide as she thinks it through. “Hey, maybe you’ll be giving us the tips!”

And I don’t want to think it, because if I start to think it I won’t be able to stop. My body keeps screaming out this need to go to her, and I have to keep dulling it with the needs of the world. With duty. With the other kind of destiny. We finish up our second coffee and head off into the early evening warmth. I have to get Willow home, then I have to go to work. If I’m lucky I’ll get to see Dawn for five minutes, if I’m super lucky I’ll get to see Faith for maybe one. I won’t let it get me down though, we have a deal. Save the world and then save us.

Me and Wills make the fun talk all the way to the house, my senses on full alert, yet my attention still resting with her. Still bantering, still having fun. Still just being Buffy and Willow. Not ‘big bad mojo witch’ and her vampire screwing side kick. Just us. Just friends.

Just slipping the key into the lock and turning the door handle. Still smiles, still fun. And then seeing what had happened in the front room! It was beyond apocalyptic. It looked like a massacre on a dairy farm. There was Anya and Faith and Dawn and Tara. All of them armed with a can of squeezy cream, all of them not caring where it went or how it got there. I didn’t know what to do, whether to laugh or to cry.

“Guys? Anyone… guys… argh!”

And yeah. Straight in the face, courtesy of Dawn.

It changed my mind about wanting to see her for five minutes. For any minutes. Made me throw off the worry of work and dive my way across the sofa to get to her, to hold her down and grab the can from her hands. To not care that it would stink later if we didn’t clean up properly… I was going to work. Not my bad.

She screamed as I got her, as the nozzle ended up embedded in her hair. It was the best scream I’ve heard in months. Pure unadulterated joy. It sounded like fun times. And then it sounded like scolding.

“Oh for crying out loud!”

It wasn’t so much the volume as the tone. Either way we all stopped dead. All hung our heads like naughty children and turned to face Giles.

“I go out of the room for ten minutes and chaos descends?” He stomped his way to the coffee table, to the texts that lay slightly rumpled from the onslaught. “Honestly, I don’t know if any of you understands the seriousness of this situation…”

“Hey, chill Giles, it was my fault… I was just trying to lighten the tone, I didn’t mean for the stuff to get…”

“Faith, do I have to point out that we’re facing a possible apocalypse here? I thought surely that you would understand the gravity of the situation!”

He really was busting a gut. Maybe it was the cream stained literature, maybe it really was just the gravity of the situation, whichever… he was standing in front of Faith like an irate father, looking to give a lecture. Her face was a picture. Head slanted to the side as if she was taking his measure. Almost amusement shining bright through her eyes. I could picture a confrontation, could see how these two sides could collide at any moment. I felt like I wanted to protect her. Defend her.

I was over by Faith before I knew it, offering her a smile which brought her eyes round to me, took them from him. It raised my mouth further. Set my senses alight. I really have missed her. The stolen seconds between shift changes, the moments when we swapped witches, swapped duties. It wasn’t enough. Late night phone calls nothing compared to the wonderment of standing before her. Of knowing her truths and her knowing mine. I love her. And every single second that her gaze rests upon me I am falling in love with her, crazy madly deeply in love. So in love that I almost forgot Giles, forgot that I had started with a purpose other than smiling at her.

“Giles!” I remembered with shock, a nervous laugh. Turned to give him my full attention. This was my house, my home… and I had waited for far too long to hear laughter within it. “We all understand the gravity of the situation, we’ve been living with it for weeks.”

He cast his look back to the table, to chaos. “Your behaviour could better reflect that, I don’t think childish food fights are the right way to combat the forces of darkness. Do you?”

Oh come off it. He has no idea. I looked him straight in the eye, raised the can in my hand up to face level. His face level. Watched that moment of horror as he realised what I was going to do.

“Buffy…”

“Uh-huh.” I smiled as I let rip, as I covered my former watcher in the goodness of compressed cream. It was a sweet moment, made all the more sweeter by the look on his face. The disbelief, the shock… and then the smile. The taking off of glasses and the laughter in the eyes.

The room fell on a hush for a beat, no one quite sure if it was safe to laugh, if he really would accept this from me. I had no doubt. Not a worry. I know him well enough to know the glint that shines in his own eyes. The mischief. He held his hand out to Faith, collected the can from her and returned to me. And yes, I could have run, I could have slayer whupped his ass… but it wasn’t about that. I stood there and let him squirt me and I smiled right through it. Revelled in the laughter that Dawn found again, in the slaps on the back offered by Faith. In the happiness of the instant. I was learning. Every second with her I was learning.

It didn’t prompt a return to full on madness, it signalled the end of it. Everyone moving to clean up the mess. Me moving my ass up the stairs to find the fastest shower ever before work. Scrubbing away at my hair now and wishing maybe that I HAD diverted the attack with slayer speed. I was going to be late, of that I was certain.

I stand under the jets and let them do their job, let them run the almost too hot streams of water down my back. Kinda feels like heaven. I kinda know. Not taking the time to lose myself in it, just appreciating it. The floor is cold under my feet as I step out of the shower, grab blindly for a towel and wipe off the mirror. It’s always nice to see the smile now, so long I had forgotten what it looked like, and now I see nothing else. I wrap the towel around me, start fussing with my hair. If I tie it up now it’ll be easier to stick under the hat later. Always planning.

The knock doesn’t bother me, it’s a house full of girls, it would never bother me. “Uh-huh?”

“B, it’s me… can I come in?”

Oh hell yes! Not a negative in sight. “Err… sure Faith.”

I drop my voice to coy, it isn’t good to let her know just how much I want her. Like now. Step back so as she can get through the door without me falling upon her. On purpose.

“Hey.”

I just look. Watch her eyes as they slide over me in the best kind of way, chills of the nicest variety. She’s still kinda coated in all that cream, and I guess that’s why she’s here.

“Hey yourself, you come for the clean up?”

“I thought I did.” She moves a little closer, just the tiniest of steps into my space. And I stop breathing. I can’t breathe. She’s so intoxicating, the way that her eyes tell me everything she is going to do me. Everyway she is going to touch me. I think I gasp as her hand reaches my naked shoulder, as her fingers slide up to rest behind my head. “I missed you Buffy… duty sucks.”

And I don’t answer because I’m kissing her. My mouth so quick to quiet her words, my tongue demanding that she opens up to me. Shows me how much. And then I am lost. Feeling nothing past the way her touches smooth over skin, the way her kisses slip from hard to soft, from insistent to begging. I feel it all. As my back touches the solidness of wall, as I feel her body pressed up against mine. I want this so much. More than anything, more than ever.

It’s not just a sigh that spills from my mouth as she pulls back, as her kisses become the gentlest flutterings against my lips. “You have to go to work.”

And she sounds so husky, so god damn sexy. “Don’t wanna.”

“You don’t?”

“Uh-uh.” I lean forwards to try and catch her lips again, scowl as she teases me, letting me so far and then pulling back. “Kiss me Faith?”

And of course she does. One last thing to remember her by, something to flip burgers to. It’s not enough, it’s nothing near what I want from her, what I need from her. But I can wait. She steps away from me and leaves me panting by the wall. Reaches into the shower and turns the knob all the way. Full steam ahead. And I don’t believe she’s going to…

Damn!

She is going to.

Her eyes are fixed on me, watching my reaction as she peels off her top, as she shows me exactly what she keeps hidden in her ample and rather pert box of treasures. And if I drool is that good? Cos I’m drooling.

“You see something nice B?”

She isn’t coming closer again, she really is getting ready for the shower, but wow! And more wow. And do all breasts look that good?

“Uh…”

“Oh come on B, you never seen a pair of tits before?” She’s laughing. I am pooling on the floor and she is laughing? I drag my eyes back to her face, that little triumphant gaze she holds over me. Oh yes. She got me good. And I love a challenge. I love it so much that I feel my fingers wrap around the top of my towel. Feel the fire race through my own eyes as I offer her a look at all that she is getting. A full look. An ‘oh my god, my towel is all falling open’ kind of look. “Uh…”

And now who is drooling! “You see something you like Faith?”

And she doesn’t answer, she takes defeat. She fixes me fully with her gaze and just nods her head. Up and down. “There ain’t even words B.”

“Shower?”

And I know I’m bad, but she makes me that way. I offer her a wink, wrap the towel back around me and head out the door. I’m burning. I am burning all over. If I hadn’t have left the room then, I would be naked now on the floor begging that she consumes me, that she takes that look and turns it into a touch. She may have accepted her defeat, but we both know that it is me who has run from victory. Duty REALLY sucks!

I pass Wills in the passage back to my room. See that she has some of her own mischief flashing in the eyes. “Where’s Faith?”

“In the shower.”

She lets her gaze trail over my towel, over my flushed face. Dead set on my eyes. “Do you and her have a thing for bathrooms? Is THAT where the bond comes in?”

Oh what to do? I just flip her the bird.

Then I listen to her laughter all the way to my room. I love the sound. My home is feeling like a happy one again.

CHAPTER 23.

The gloom in the room wasn’t an effect of bad lighting, but rather the impending sense of upcoming evil. As if it coated the very walls themselves, the air hanging stale with the odour of death. And Warren liked it, he wrapped himself in it. Had been doing his up most to feed it, to make it stronger. Since he had begun to realise the strength of the power infusing him, it had taken all of his self control not to go out and proclaim it to the world. Had settled for proclaiming it to just a select few instead. Random victims. A sadistic way to spend a Saturday night. His master revelled in it, growing stronger with every evil act committed, its own hunger growing, its own need to break free and to feed. The time was coming. The whole room could feel it.

Andrew could feel it as a chill to his bones. As tears which rolled down his face every time no one was looking. He felt guilt, he felt a sense of blame… but nothing could touch the fear. Could block out the sounds of the screaming as Warren had demonstrated the new levels of depravity to which he could sink. It had been bad with the Demon woman, but at least she still lived, still appeared useful. For the others they weren’t so lucky. Or maybe death WAS luckier. He hadn’t wanted to see, to acknowledge the malevolence that flowed so strong from the aura of his former friend, his former partner. But he couldn’t not look. Warren demanded it.

He watched him now. Watched him standing in the centre of the room as he was fawned over by Johnathan. As even the vampire seemed to sink down in his presence. He just looked so powerful, so strong. So unbeatable. Even his voice resonated with nothing but strength and determination. His plans forming like webs of evil in the depths of his mind, ready to catch them all. Destroy them all.

“I don’t understand why it’s taking so long? We had a deal… if you can’t keep to the deal…”

“It’s not that bloody easy! They all think I’m the lowest sort of pariah, touching their precious damn slayer…”

“You are the lowest the form of pariah. You’re a vampire.”

The beast within the façade of the man wanted to rise up, wanted to snarl out all his regained power and show this tossing idiot of a boy what a vampire could do. How it liked to feed. To rip out a throat and drink from the source of life. He knew that he couldn’t though. What Warren represented, the thing that he served… it was huge. It surpassed anything that the bloody Scooby’s could ever hope to fight against! It helped him to keep a focus, to remember that he was here for a reason, to smile slyly at the boy and accept his smug put downs. It didn’t matter in the long run.

Once the beast was raised, was set free, the boy wouldn’t stand a chance. He may think he was all big shot with the power now, but Spike understood evil. It didn’t respect partnerships, it didn’t respect anything. It destroyed everything. It was quite simply, evil.

“That may be, but it’s me who’s getting you your witches, you should remember that.”

“You’re getting me one witch Spike, the other I can get for myself.”

The thought of the witches excited Warren no end. The one with the innocence, who was the key to the one with the darkness. It made him smile. Made him blindly caress Johnathan’s cheek as his mind wandered through the endless possibilities. “We need a plan, you obviously can’t get me what I need without help, and I am not prepared to wait any longer. My master isn’t prepared to wait any longer.”

“What kind of plan?”

But he didn’t answer the vampire, turned instead to his meekest follower. “Do you fancy some more conjuring, some more of the big bad beast?”

“The same as before master?”

A grin wrapped tight around his lips. “Maybe stronger, can you do stronger?”

“Uh…I…” Johnathan withered ever further under his gaze. “…I can try.”

“You had better succeed.”

The hand which had been caressing, held tight now to the boy's face, making him nod his head in acceptance. “I will succeed.”

“And what about me?”

“You Spike are gonna be a hero! There on hand to save the witches.” He laughed manically as he said it. Amused by his own lack of wit. “The slayers can deal with the beast, and you my friend… you can bring me Tara.”

“The red head will fry me if I try and touch her sweetie pie.”

“And I’ll fry you if you don’t get me what I want! I’ve set you free from your binds, surely a demon as ferocious as you can handle two girls..?”

Spike preened under the praise. Didn’t realise he was being patronised. “Of course I can handle two girls, I handled more than that last night.” His thoughts fell back to the previous evening, since his power had been restored he hadn’t wasted time on waiting to see if he worked properly again… he proved that he did. Found the sweetest little things that Sunnydale had to offer and proved it in all sorts of ways. Practised the unmatched pleasure in drinking fresh, draining life. It was all a rehearsal, a practice until he could take her blood. Buffy’s blood. He’d been close enough to taste it on many occasions, drawing her steadily but slowly in, every time just one time nearer. But now that that had changed he wouldn’t care for slowly and softly. He would take what was his. Her.

“Well it’s settled then! All we need now is opportunity… the right circumstance.”

“I know their routine, I’ve been following them for days. Bloody idiots.” He let his mind wander over what he knew. When Buffy worked. When Buffy slayed. “Tomorrow night.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.” He had functioned by her shift pattern for months, he knew it by heart. And now he knew enough to know the other’s one pattern as well. The way she hung around his slayer every chance she got. The way she looked at her. Wanted her. It made his blood boil. Made the demon in him howl. “They’ll be alone tomorrow night. The witches and the slayers… ”

“Perfect! Johnathan?”

“Yes master?”

“Be ready for tomorrow! This is it… the moment we have planned for.” Warren’s gaze was wistful, joyous. So much planning. So many months. And now finally she would be here. Tara. Almost the final step. So close.

Andrew’s tears were falling again. Soft tracks down his face. Memories of the girl playing fresh through his mind. He couldn’t stand it if it happened. Knew that he would crumble if he saw her here. Saw Warren touch her. He tried so hard to hold it in. To make it something that it wasn’t.

The noise of the demon at his side drew his gaze, made him slide his head around to take in her almost broken form. Her eyes held firm and he sought the comfort within them. It was strange the way a bond had grown between the two, no words spoken, but the tiniest amount of strength found in just knowing that someone was there. The demon was grateful for it. She had never believed that she would find strength in a human. A human boy at that. But he had held her gaze after everything that Warren had put her through, had offered her sorrow and understanding. Had shown empathy in his eyes. And it had held her up. Had stopped her from breaking.

When William the Bloody had walked through the door she had been thrown for a loop. He had recognised her almost immediately, taken delight in seeing her that way. He hadn’t assaulted her with verse though, and that was the biggest mercy. Instead he had sneered, had joined Warren in his quest of degradation. Had used one of her other names as he had taken his pleasure there. A name she hadn’t heard in a long time. And all that she wanted now, all that she could hold on to, was a chance. The hope of a chance. She would wreak vengeance worse than anything they had ever seen! She tried to show Andrew with her look, with the set of her shoulders. No. They were not beaten yet. A woman scorned had nothing on a demon scorned!

“What’s going on here?”

They both broke the look and shot their eyes to Warren. Neither able to speak. To do anything but cower back.

“Andrew..? Is it time to die?”

He shook his head with all the vigour that the binds would allow. Couldn’t stop the fear from sliding down his leg, the shivers that wracked his body.

“That’s good… I still have a plan for you. A role. A final chance to prove that you are useful.”

Andrew’s eyes swam with more tears, more snivels behind the gag which bound him. All he wanted was the chance. Just one chance. He stopped his body from shaking more as Warren touched him. “I want you to be useful Andrew, you’ve always been special to me.”

His smile carried all the way to the demon. “Hallie, Hallie… or should I say… Cecily?”

She only found a sneer for him. He really thought that he knew it all. He knew nothing.

“I can’t decide if you’re still useful… I don’t see that I’ll be needing you, and yet I’ve come to like you…” He slid his hand across the front of her body, the shards of material that still hung there. “…maybe you have one good ride left in you?” He turned back to the vampire, “What do you think Spikey? Have you finished with her yet?”

“I don’t care, a couple of days and it won’t sodding matter.”

The words were enough to distract Warren. Not intentionally, Spike really didn’t care about the woman, the demon… whatever she was now. All he cared about was Buffy. Getting Buffy. The words still made the leader turn away though, made him speak more about the days which were soon to come. The time which would soon pass.

Spike let him, let him believe in his own self importance. As long as he was gonna help with the slayers then it didn’t really matter to him. It was like he had said… in a few days nothing would matter. It would be a world just for evil. For demons. And he would bring Buffy with him. Finally free the demon that wanted to live in her body. It would be perfect. He stood with his eyes steady as Warren gave him the last of his instructions. He wanted Tara, but he didn’t want Willow harmed. No unnecessary force. He needed her strong. Ready to perform.

By the time that the vampire had left, the gloom had hung even heavier in the air than before. But it was more than that now, it was anticipation. It was excitement. Like a hum, like a buzz. Rising up through the room until it almost sang with it. A tune for evil to march to.

*****

POV Faith

I circle her slowly, around and around. Keep myself focused. Let my eyes travel up over her body, let my senses register her every move. Look for the telegraph. An easy way in.

“Are you ever gonna come close enough to hit, Faith?”

And I smile at her.

“You think you can hit me?”

She edges a little nearer, I can tell she feels a little braver. Her stance still tense, her muscles still held, but closer. Taking the risk. “I know I can.”

Her leg swings out exactly where I’ve been expecting it, aiming for my soft parts, my midriff. She’s really fast… but she isn’t fast enough. I catch her leg without any effort, hold her steady for a heartbeat, my grasp firm, yet my fingers soft. “You were saying?”

I give a chuckle as I let her go, as she drops back from me again. Not close enough to hit. Not close enough to touch. And it’s an easy spar, not even training really. Just a chance to work the tension out. To give aim to something that won’t disappear.

“I’m just softening you up Faith.” She smiles that smile that I want to trace. Meets my eyes with hers, nothing but challenge. “It’s my false sense of security plan, you DO know you’re walking right into it?”

And I circle her some more. I don’t know how long we have down here. Sent away from the others because our banter was distracting. Because the way that I couldn’t stop fidgeting and the way she couldn’t stop following me was, ‘making them dizzy’. They wanna crawl inside my head for a moment, understand just how dizzy, dizzy can be.

“Only thing I’m walking into is victory B.”

“I love the confident ones, they fall so much harder. Such satisfaction.”

I feel as she comes close enough again. Feint with my right, toss her my left. And she catches it, swings it and brings it straight up behind me. My shoulder blade screaming as she exerts just the right amount pressure. I know I could move, could drop her from me in less than a second, but I don’t. I let her hold on, let her have the power for just a minute, just to see what she does with it. What her next move is gonna be.

“Are you gonna say ‘mercy’, Faith?”

And what? That was it?

“Not a chance!”

I twist in her grasp and break from her hold, push the distance back to too far. My ears picking up the sound of heavy breathing, the steady beating of her heart. I let my eyes consume her, concentrate for seconds on the rise and fall of her chest, the flush that sits across her skin. Always stalking, always looking. Deciding my own next move. The places I want to touch her, to hold her. It makes me step forwards. Makes me dance into her space with one thought on my mind. Exerting my own power.

I see her mouth go to open as she notices me coming closer, no doubt some more banter to soften the occasion. But I don’t want soft. I want to touch her. To feel her. I slice through her defences with a speed which I am proud of, my hands latching onto her arms and spinning her round into a hold. Backed up against me, ass nestling tight. The strength in one arm enough to restrain her as I feel her yielding into my touch. Letting me feel the intimacy of her body pressed tight against mine. My lips falling to her neck to savour the taste of her skin, slowly up to her ear to whisper my words.

“Are ‘you’ gonna say mercy, B?”

And she whimpers… and it’s fucking touches me places I can’t even name. As if every one of my senses is keened to hear that sound, to feel it. Giving me nothing but the need to hear it again. Over and over. I feel her back pressing hard into my chest as she takes in a deep breath, my grip softening to let her turn in my hold. No longer her ass nestling against me, but the whole of her body. Her arms sliding down to meet at my back.

“And what if I don’t want mercy, Faith? What happens then?”

“Then I’ll just have to take you down.”

I show her the best that my eyebrows have to offer, wiggling their insistence that they would LOVE to take her down. And she takes it as an invitation. Her lips pressing firm against mine, softly sucking, drawing my lower lip into her mouth just so as she can run her tongue the length of it. Nip gently with her teeth. “You think you can take me Faith?”

My hormones are demanding it.

This slow dance of seduction that we have going, is perfect when you think about all of the things which we still have to work through, all of the things which we still have to face. It’s not perfect though when you consider how god damn much I just fucking want her! I want to hear her whimper all night from the way that I’m touching her, my name on her lips as I take her to all of the places that I’ve ever wanted to take her. It feels like the most intense need I have ever felt, burning straight through me. And I know that she feels it.

I wrap my leg around hers and swipe it away, my arm reaching out to brace us as we fall to the mat. Me against her, in the only kind of way that it has ever made sense. My thigh is resting hard between her legs, my chest pressing firm against her chest. And I can’t help but strike up the smallest of rhythms, just slow grinding pressure as I look into her eyes. “Do you want this B?”

And I know that we can’t, that this won’t be the time or the place… but I just want to hear the words. I want to hear the confirmation that she feels it too. That her body demands just as much from me as I am demanding from her. She drops her hand across my back leaving a trail of fire through my top, pausing at the gap of skin, the slightest glance of finger tip there. And then cupping my ass, pulling my rhythm harder against her, forcing my thigh to give her all kinds of friction.

“I need this Faith.”

Her eyes bare the truth as I close in for a kiss. Not able to stop my tongue from crashing straight through her lips, from filling her mouth. I just need to be inside of her. I don’t need to breathe, to take air, I just need this. This feeling like I’m burning from the inside out, all of me on red hot fire and all of it for her. The insistent rhythm dragging me along to feel things that I have never even felt with my clothes off. I break the kiss as I feel her hand slide down lower, caressing the crack of my ass with the ends of her fingers. Gasping as she sinks lower still, the slightest of teases running soft along the seam, tight across my pussy. “Jesus B…”

And it’s all that I can manage before my head sinks down, before I lose my focus in the feel of her fingers. No matter through pants, that it isn’t as close as I need… it’s still touching me. Just the gentlest of circles now, my breathing harsh and haggard against her neck as everything goes into concentrating my thoughts, to feeling the slip and the slide and urging for more. Her hips rising to meet every single plea that I am thrusting down into her. I forget where I am, I forget who I am. It’s all about the point of contact, about the way that her body is responding to mine. The way that her hands are still pulling me in, pulling me firm. The fingertips that are keeping steady rhythm, back and forth across the seam of my pants, constant applied pressure. I don’t even realise how close I am, would never believe that so little could bring me so close, not until I hear her ragged whispers in my ear.

“Come on baby…”

Over and over. Better than the whimpering. Calling me forth. Calling me baby?

It intensifies every second of it, hearing her words and giving her what she wants. As if she’s in tune with me, as if she knows just how close she is taking me. It’s not fucking, it’s not even that close to fucking… but damn it I don’t care. It feels fucking perfect. I bite down onto my lip as the pressure reaches an almost aching crescendo, as her fingers rub as harshly against my pussy as I am pushing down onto hers. Sounds exploding in my ears, colours fucking bursting in front of my eyes. And I push more. Crushing her beneath me with the size of my want.

“Do you feel me B, uh… can you feel this..?”

Her whole fucking body is telling me she feels this, but damn it, her voice. It sounds like nothing I’ve heard before. All of that wanting. And all of it for me.

She breathes her ‘yes’ into my ear as she goes rigid beneath me, holding me tight, and holding me firm. Just in one place, pushing her hips up as hard as she can, pulling me in as tight as she can. As close to breaking point as I am. As desperate as I am. And I fucking love it. Love the sigh that breaks from the back of her throat as it crashes straight through her. The sigh that matches from my own throat. It’s pressure I don’t want to break, still softly grinding, knowing that I need more. Lips finding lips again as she seeks the kiss to bring her back down, her steady rocking against me becoming less and less. And finally stopping. Coming to rest. Just me above her, nibbling my way from her mouth to her neck, my tongue stretching out to taste the sheen on her skin. I can’t even try and make sense out of what she is saying, my face still buried in the crook of her shoulder as I attempt to grab back onto reality. Feeling the smile that slides across my lips as I become aware of every place that her body still touches mine. How easy she lays underneath me. How well it all fits. And I want to say something. I have so many things to say, things that I want to say. Not even knowing how to start.

“This is messed up.”

“Hmmmm… huh?” I try not to laugh as she stiffens beneath me, as she moves her head to find my face. “You what?”

And it is ok, I do have more to the sentence. “This, I mean… a girl like me, normally I have trouble keeping my pants on…” I offer her the cockiest of grins. “…now it seems like I can’t get my pants off.”

She just returns my grin with one of her own. “We’re taking it slow remember..?”

And that makes me laugh a little of the frustration away. Makes her start sliding the hand that was nestled snug against the swell of my pussy, all up and away. Leaving me to hiss with the last of the contact. Then creeping to a new destination. Fingertips running along the edge of my pants, just dipping beneath… “Did you wanna take your pants off Faith?”

Singsonging it with the sweetest of teases. And I just answer with a growl. Cos god yes! I so fucking wanna take my pants off!

It makes her laugh now, a real laugh. Makes me bring my face close to hers again to wrap her up in a kiss. An affirmation of everything I am feeling for her. Losing myself again in a need which still seeks to be sated.

“Ooh… will you two be taming the big bad evil with all of the kisses?”

And what the fuck?

I swing my head to the door and find Anya standing there watching us, the gleam in her eyes making me wonder just how long she has been playing the voyeur. My senses have been totally lost in all that is Buffy. The same Buffy who is now squirming underneath me and looking for an out. And I’m not moving. Happy to have her resting there. Not caring so much who knows it. I turn my attention back to the peeper.

“Do you think it would work Anya?”

I drawl it out slow, maybe try and bring some flush to her cheeks with the tone in my voice. Flick any embarrasment away from the two of us laying prone on the floor, straight over to her. I see her considering, the unhindered gaze taking its time to process the sights. Finally meeting my eyes with anything but embarassment.

“It would work better with your clothes off.”

And she’s good. And she’s right!

Buffy is practically begging me to get up off of her now, and I have to comply. Ease myself slowly up to let her rise to her feet. I wanna moan the loss of contact, of closeness. Settle instead for grinning at the cute little pink flush that B HAS found to cover her cheeks.

“We were just sparring Anya, uh… why would we ever spar naked..?”

Yeah Buffy. Even I believe you. JUST sparring.

“Well if that was sparring then I want to get in on this training regime!… The research is getting beyond tedious…”

She walks down into our space as if it’s the most natural thing in the world to stumble across two girls dry humping in the basement. “…and speaking of tedious, Giles wants you back upstairs… he has some more of those frightfully interesting facts that he just can’t wait to share.”

And that totally just bitch slapped the hornies.

“So what’s the what?”

“Oh it’s nothing important!” She’s nodding her head as if she’s the sage on all things important. “He’s been reading some old medical books, I think he wants to impart some general leechy knowledge…”

“Can life get any better?”

“Come on B, it’ll be fun…”

“No it won’t.” She looks pretty sure of herself. Doesn’t stop her from moving though. Sighing her exit from our innocent little ‘sparring’ session. And I know just how she feels. It makes me hook my fingers into the back of her pants as she goes to leave, tugging her softly, just to get her to turn and to look. Watching Anya leave as she gives us this last second of goodbye.

“Hey.”

She fixes me with a smile, a softening of her eyes. Lets herself relax as I bring my arms up around her.

“Do you think this will ever be over Faith? That we’ll ever get the time to actually be together.”

It’s all that I want. “Sure we will.”

“When?” And I can hear all of my own need hidden within her one word.

“Soon.”

It’s the best that I can do. She reaches the small distance to place a sweet kiss to my lips. Slips her hand down into mine as we turn back towards the others, back amongst the bad stuff. Coming up through the door and finding all of their eyes lost in the research. It was Giles who turned first, the one who had called us back.

“Ah girls, was the training session good? Do you think you’ll be able to concentrate now?”

“Sure thing Giles, it was a wicked work out… slayed some of that tension, you know?”

I could hear Buffy stifling something behind me. Anya offering a sly grin in front of me. And everyone else oblivious. All of them dulled by the endless pages of words that they had been forced to endure. It made me feel guilty for a moment, until I remembered how long I had waited on the moments. Then I just smiled some. Even as I was forced to listen to the lecture on the leeches I kept smiling. Trying hard not to close my eyes as I was forced to turn pages with the rest of them. Nothing to distract us until Dawn arrived home from school.

Things with me and Dawn are kinda cool. I haven’t had the chance to sit her down and sort it through, but she’s not holding it against me. We don’t flaunt anything in front of her, and so far she hasn’t brought it up. Has been happy to just hang with me without getting into the heavy. But I am just waiting on a chance to speak to her, I want to reassure her again. I did come here for her.

We kept at the tedious awaiting the sundown. An excuse to stop, to order food, to make arrangements for slaying. For babysitting. And it was me that offered to stay. I wanted more than anything to go scratch my itch on the undead bastards of the world, knowing my pent up energy would make light work of all of them. But I really did wanna have that chat with Dawn, wanted to make sure that things really are okay. Buffy isn’t the only Summers girl that I have grown a gigantic soft spot for, and I want Dawn to realise that. To know that she still means so much to me. And I’d come armed for the occasion. Remembering the gift I’d brought with me all those weeks ago that I still hadn’t gotten round to imparting. Figuring that the grotty state I had put it in would leave it pretty much undesirable.

I waited until Buffy had left to seek out her sister, finding her up in her room, hitting the school books. “Hey Dawn, whatcha working on?”

“Algebra. It sucks. I can feel my brain melting.”

“For real?”

It sounded kinda painful.

“Totally, you think you guys have it bad with the research? Ha! You wanna spend a day working out the values of your X’s and Y’s.”

I just nodded. Cos yeah, like I knew what the fuck she was talking about. Math genius was never my thing. I walked my way fully into her room and joined her on the bed. Plopped the worse for wear soft toy straight down on top of her text book.

Saw her face wrinkle in something close to… disgust? “What IS that?”

“It’s for you… it’s a gift.”

I kept my face straight and solemn. It was nice to always find a little fun.

“Uh… right. A gift.” I could see her eyes trying to understand the what’s and the why’s. “Is it my birthday… a really bad birthday?”

“No, I just wanted to get you something… do you like it?” I kept my voice steady, pretended like I couldn’t see any reason for her obvious apprehension.

“Yeah… it’s great, it’s erm… what exactly is it?”

And then I had to laugh, had to ruffle the Cordy styled hair that sat straight on her shoulders. “It’s a soft toy ya dork, I bought it for you when I got here… never got round to giving it to you, figured that now was the perfect time.”

“Right… and where did you buy it Faith? The toy shop in hell?”

I looked it over, and yeah…it was kinda messed up. Caked in some of the blood from the night I had issues with the mirror. It had helped me through that night though, crazy as that sounds. It was something to hang on to. Something soft amongst the shards. “Yeah, sorry bout that… it did look better, a lot better.”

“Hard to believe.”

“And yet it’s still true.”

She picked it up gingerly in her hands, turned it slowly around. “Why did you get me a soft toy anyway? Did you forget how old I am?”

“No…” I took it back off of her, let it rest in my own hold for a moment. “…I just, when I was coming here… I knew how much things sucked for you and I wanted to make it better… I guessed you’d either laugh at it, or love it.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Either way I figured it’s a winner.”

She went quiet in the way that let me know that she knew we were having a chat. A serious conversation.

“You do know that I meant it when I said that I came here for you? No matter about B and me, I came here for you.”

“I know that, really… but Buffy? I just don’t get why… and how..?”

I thought about the birds and the bees talk. Instead I decided to be honest. To tell her the things that I haven’t even had the chance to say to B yet. She deserved it. To not be lied to. “Because I love her Dawn, I kinda always loved her…”

She scrunched up her face to let me know that she thought it was all kinda gross.

“…before when you asked about the aggro? Well that was it. I loved her, it made me kinda wacky.”

I looked at her and waited for the truth to sink in. The knowledge that it had always been Buffy for me. I expected some shock, some gasped surprise.

“I knew it!”

“You what?”

“Seriously… I always used to tease Buffy about you and her… but then, with the uh… killing and stuff…” I nodded my okay. “…I figured I was wrong, and when you came back and things were..?”

“Not of the good.”

“Yeah, not so good… then I thought I was WAY wrong. I’m a kid, like what do I know about signals?”

“I’m an adult, and I don’t know shit.”

“Well obviously not… not if you want Buffy!”

She laughed, and I looked hurt. Then I joined in the laughter. I know she’s only teasing, I know how much she adores her sister.

“But you’re okay with it, yeah? Not full of the anger, a little resentment?”

“I’m okay with it. Really.” She offered me a sincere little smile. Quickly turning into a cheeky Dawn style grin. “I am kinda shocked that Buffy could ever pull a hot chick like you though!”

And that made me laugh. “Aw Dawn, you think I’m hot?”

“Not really, not like… Brad Pitt hot. But for a girl you’re not that bad.”

I took the compliment and assured her she was pretty darn hot as well. JUST as hot as her sister. She wanted me to say more, but there was not a chance in hell. No one was hotter than Buffy. It was the truth.

We talked a little more of the love stuff, her asking questions, me offering answers. It was strange being so open, but it all felt so easy. Kinda natural. I promised her with my most honest tone, that I would never hurt Buffy. That I really was in love with her, that I wanted to make her happy. It’s when the scales were tipped over into super serious. Crazy heavy. Her words sounding as child like as I had ever heard them.

“Does that mean after… that after you guys have beaten the big bad… will you be staying here Faith? You won’t be leaving us?”

Fuck.

That was where my mind had run then. I hadn’t even given it a thought, had just focused on beating the bad and then being with Buffy. I hadn’t logicked it through to include living arrangements and relocations. I liked LA. I had found a place for myself there. Could I really just leave it all behind for this? I had run my eyes over to hers. Seen all the worry and the fear. Not of a big bad, of an evil monster. But of abandonment. Of being left behind again. And my heart gave me the only answer that I could ever offer.

“I’ll be here for as long as you need me kid… I told you that before. If you and Buffy want me to stay here… then yeah. I’ll sort my stuff and I’ll be here.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.” And it did feel like the only words to say. Not listening to my worries, to my own fears of everything to do with families and structure and love and commitment. I knew that I could make a home here. It already felt like home here.

I stayed up in Dawn’s room, just hanging out whilst she did her work. Offering as much helpful advice as I could to get her to finish quicker, played her a couple of hands of cards once she was done. When Buffy got back from the slaying we coerced her into joining us. Ignoring Giles’ stern gaze to make just fifteen more minutes for the smiles and the sunshine. And it did make me see how good it could be. How normal it could be. What this real home could feel like.

I didn’t mention any of that to B before I left though. Before I came back to my apartment. I haven’t even told her how crazy in love with her I am, it’s hardly right to tell her that I’m thinking about moving in. No. I’ll wait until the time is right. Give it a day or two.

I made sure to ring the gang in LA before I went to my bed, I wanted to catch up with the info process and see how much longer till Cordy brought all the good stuff back. The lack of real knowledge here is getting folks down. And of course I wanted to talk to Angel. I may not be ready to tell Buffy yet about my grand moving plans, but I was ready to tell him. To see what he would think if I moved on from LA, if I stayed here in Sunnydale. It was amusing to hear his laugh. His words.

“Since when did you start asking for permission Faith?”

And it did seem kind of funny. But I just wanted him to be alright with it. I owe him so much, damn it, I admit it… I fucking love him so much, and I don’t ever want to just walk out on him.

He gave me every assurance I needed that Angel Investigations could cope without me, that he could cope without me. Yes he would miss me, he missed me now, but I had to do what was right for me. He said that all I needed to do was to work out if this was what I really wanted. Family life in the suburbs. Was it for me?

He said that I should be sure before I offered it. And I know that, and I promised. And I am sure. It is what I want. To be with Buffy and to be with Dawn. A place where I know I can be happy. A place where I can know love.

I had lots to think over as I went to my bed. Not near enough room for duty thoughts, as all I could feel were Buffy thoughts. So easy to let my mind drift back to earlier, to let my hand drift down my body. To feel fingers slide deep inside of my pussy as I panted out her name. I want it so damn much, to feel her… to really feel her. I’m fucking aching for her. No self fulfilling climax even coming close to dampening my need. And I wonder if she feels it too. If her mind wanders over my body the same way that mine wanders over hers. If her own fingers seek to make good on the promises we had been offering each other since the Bronze.

Fuck. I just want to taste her. To touch her.

To erase everything bad in the truth of how good we are together. How well it all works now that we want it to work. Now that we’ve finally grown up enough to accept all that it means. Jesus… all I really want to do is to tell her that I love her. For the moment to sit perfect, for the whole fucking world to quiet just long enough for me to get it out. Just long enough for her to hear me.

“I love you Buffy.”

It feels so right to speak it out loud. It’s the most right I’ve ever felt my whole life. And it lulls me into the most perfect sleep. Finally dreaming my sweet dreams.

CHAPTER 24.

POV Tara.

“So are you guys nearly finished then?”

It was about the tenth time she had asked in just as many minutes. Glancing up to the clock, back down to us, standing up to pace for a few steps, absently running her hands along the faces of the books. Staring back at the clock with deeply impassioned sighs. All stretches and yawns.

“You know if you stop asking, we’ll get done a lot sooner.”

“Well if you just got done already, then I could stop asking.”

And we weren’t taking our time on purpose. We have an assignment due in on Monday, and coming to the library tonight means that we can get all of the information we need to work on it over the weekend. It’s how we always do things. Meeting Buffy after her double shift at the Doublemeat Palace. It was routine, and at this time when the whole world feels a little wacky, it’s important to keep a routine. A semblance of something normal. Something to return to.

I had skimmed my eyes one last time over the rest of the text, made sure I had everything that we needed to do a good job, and then I had slammed it solidly to closed. Offered Faith the smile she had been waiting on. Obsessively waiting on.

“Okay, that’s me done. Willow?”

“Two more minutes sweetie…”

“Oh for fucks sake Red!”

It had sounded like a child’s whine, like we were depriving her of her favourite toy, her favourite plaything. It only made me smile at her more. Made me place my hand across the table and close Willow’s textbook. “Come on baby, if we want to meet Buffy we have to get going… we have all the notes we need.”

She’d looked about ready to protest, to argue the need to soak up one last drop of knowledge, one more unknown fact, but I had diverted her with my eyes. A slight raise of eyebrow, the smile that makes her go all mushy.

“Please?”

And then she was the one who was smiling, going off to return the books that she had just been so eagerly looking through, happy to take my hand into hers and set off together with Faith. To forget the scholarly pleasure and to lose herself in the pleasure of friendship. Conversation flowing between the three of us as if it had always flowed that way. At least as if it had always meant to flow that way.

“So I saw the toy you got for Dawn, it was cute…a little gross, but definitely cute.”

“She showed you it?”

I wouldn’t have said that she had started blushing, that she was giving any outward sign of feeling a little exposed, but there was just that sense of hidden vulnerability… it made her words sound guarded.

“Wasn’t she meant to?” I had watched her shrug her shoulders, offer a disaffected grunt. “She told us that you spoke to her…”

“It’s no big deal Tara.”

“Well I thought it was a big deal Faith, I thought it was ALL kinds of cute…”

I turned my gaze to Willow to witness the rolling of her eyes. The little impish grin that sat upon her lips. And yes, she WAS looking to tease her again. It amazed me how easy she found it to tease her now, when just a few weeks ago she would have assured us that teasing Faith meant probable death. That the girl was definitely psycho.

“Red, I don’t do cute…”

My overblown exasperated sigh had been enough to get her to stop. To make her look my way and await the reasons for the obvious dramatics.

“Oh just deal with it Faith, we know you’re all big and bad and tough, but you’re also all kinds of cute… embrace it, it’s a good thing.”

She didn’t look too convinced, maybe not so comfortable to be wearing the ‘cute’ label. But the soft toy WAS cute, and thoughtful. And most of all, it was nice. A good thing to do. Maybe a little nicer if you ignored some of the bloodstains and general grottyness… but either way, the thought was a good one.

“I wasn’t trying to be cute, I just wanted to…”

I filled up the blank that her un-ended sentence had left “To let her know that you care?”

And she didn’t shrug again that time, she nodded her acceptance of the truth.

“Yeah, I know she was pissed at me… cos of the B thing. I’d meant to give it to her weeks ago, I just forgot.”

I moved the step over to link my arm through hers. The three of us walking along together. Cocooned within our conversation.

“She told us that Faith, and she told us how not pissed she is…”

“Oh it was WAY more than not pissed! We got the full on Faith-festical. Complete with the odes… impressions… all out hero worship…”

It made me giggle a little, just softly, made me nudge Willow a bit more firmly in the side. Dawn wasn’t that bad. She was just excited. Tempted by the happiness.

“So she really doesn’t mind, cos I thought maybe she was just saying it… not wanting to upset me, to upset B.”

I paused in the walking, held firm to pause the two of them as well. I waited until she had turned to me, showed me those deep brown pools of emotion. Really such beautiful eyes. “Faith, she was no where near upset… this last week, just feeling the tiniest touch of happiness in the house..? She’s smiling again, like she used to smile… Buffy is smiling again…” And she looked a little shy again, as if she didn’t want to take all of the credit. But I give credit where it is due, and it is so long overdue here. “It’s all true, whatever it is that made you come back… Dawn OR Buffy, it doesn’t matter. You’ve made them both better Faith. It’s all getting better.”

I started dragging them both back along before either of them could say more words. I didn’t want banter to cheapen the feeling. We all talk together behind Faith’s back, we have done since she has got here… and I know that we all feel the same. No hesitation to toast the idea of ‘Buffy and Faith’, because seeing it for real just makes so much darn sense. It’s in the way that their eyes shine at each other . The way their mouths smile for each other. We can all appreciate the good in it.

“Did Dawn tell you I’m thinking about staying? After all the ‘big bad’, shit?”

“Hey… she told us you WERE staying…” Willow looked at me a little confused, waiting on the confirmation of Dawn’s words. “…didn’t she baby?”

“Yes, she said you kinda… promised?”

“Right... yeah.” She undid her arm from mine and started with the tossing of her stake. Running it over and over, around and around in her grasp. “I did say that, the thing is I haven’t spoken to B yet, I don’t want to assume…”

I had stifled my laughter, Willow didn’t even try. “Oh come on, you are joking?!”

“What Red?”

“Buffy is full of the ideas of you staying in Sunnydale! Before you know it you’ll be picking out the fabrics together, dish towels… bed spreads…”

Faith’s eyes had widened with each new domestic shopping spree being suggested. And I knew just how she felt. The idea of happy families was foreign to me too, the trusting people to treat you right, to love you like you love them. I made a grab for her arm again, snuggled her back into the threesome.

“Don’t worry Faith, Buffy doesn’t do the whole picking out fabrics thing… everything will be fine. Trust me.”

“You really think that she wants me to stay.., like forever stay?”

“I think she’d be offended if you wanted to go.” I smiled my softest at her. Offered her as much reassurance as I could with one look. And she smiled in return, her own soft smile before her eyes had left mine. Focusing into the distance as the Doublemeat Palace first became visible on the horizon. As the smell first started creeping up to greet us. I always wondered how Buffy coped, especially with the super sensitive senses.

“What’s the time?”

“Five to, we’re a little early.”

“Cool… it’s better than late.”

I nodded my agreement. Willow choosing to speak up.

“Yeah, so much for the pacing at the library, the, ‘oh, you don’t have time to copy the rest of the notes Wills, don’t worry about the dangers of academic failure’… nope, just gotta get there early…”

But she wasn’t listening. I was barely listening. My eyes trapped and held by the look that was flowing through hers. Not to me, not for me. But for Buffy. The littlest of our slayers choosing that moment to walk through the doors, to come across the car park to meet with us. Her own eyes shining. Both of them wearing the love.

“Hey B, you got off a little early…”

“Better than late!”

And you see? They even speak the same thoughts.

“So how was the library then guys, what did I miss… how’s things at home, is Dawn okay?”

“Whoa… slow down there Buffster! You been hitting the caffeine again?”

She hadn’t really spoken that fast, but she did maybe look a little wired, her eyes straining just a little red around the edges.

“Argh, long story… no sleep. Double shift at the Doublemeat, just give me something normal to think about…”

Our laughter rose a little, Faith moving in to walk at Buffy’s side. No longer a threesome but a foursome. Willow taking the time to fill her in on the happenings of the day. Nothing much. Just routine normalness. Probably a thing we should treasure; The monotony of a normal day.

“So why with the not sleeping, you still having the nightmares?”

“The slayer dreams aren’t the prettiest.” The weariness of her tone was easy to hear, the obvious hours she spent tossing and turning, bearing the weight of the world upon her shoulders. She offered us a little smile, the tiniest of grins. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate the heads up, I do, really… but why can’t they actually tell me something that we can use? I don’t have the mind for the cryptic…”

“Pesky little powers that be!”

“You said it Wills.”

She brought her hand up to her hair and smoothed it back behind her ears, took another little rub at the bloodshot eyes. “It’s all part of the job though, I can cope.”

As her hand dropped down again she let it brush softly against Faith’s. Waited for the fingers to open up and enclose her own. Just a little turn of the head, a meeting of gazes. Those silent looks that say so much.

“I still don’t get why Faith isn’t having the dreams, it’s kinda weird…” Willow gave us all her best thinking face, turned towards the two slayers. “…you are still not getting them, right?”

“Yeah.”

And I know I wasn’t the only one that saw the slump to accompany the word. Buffy quick to jump in and refute any self doubt that was possibly brewing.

“Hey, it doesn’t mean anything. They’re probably keeping you all fresh for the battle, it wouldn’t do to have two exhausted slayers on the job.”

“It’s cool B. I know the deal. I fucked up big, the PTB don’t trust me yet to do it right.” She offered a shrug that begged to be indifferent, to shield us from the private woe. “It’s messed that you have to go through it alone, but I get it… you’re the slayer of choice, that’s the way it is. Probably the way it should be.”

I searched my mind for an argument to beat back hers, but I just didn’t know. Maybe the lack of slayer dreams IS admonishment by the higher beings. Maybe they don’t trust her yet to do the job for the good side… and they are so wrong! Surely it is as obvious to them, as it is to us, how good she is, how strong she is. That there really is a chosen ‘two’?

I expect I knew that it would be Buffy who understood it better, who knew how to make arguments of sense. “No way Faith, you don’t get off that easily!”

“Get off?”

“I spent years trying to ditch this ‘one girl in all the world’ crap, there is NO way I’m doing that again!” I watched her throw off the tiredness to turn her tone to impassioned. “We’re both slayers, the slayer… whatever, and the nightmares don’t change that. Nothing changes that, not anymore.”

“Uh…guys?”

We all turned our attention to Willow, to the vamp that was closing in with each passing second. “You think either of you slayers could maybe deal with that?”

But they were already moving, breaking the contact of the holding hands, sizing up the lumbering form of a newly emerged vampire.

“You want this one B?”

“You take it.”

I watched as Faith slid her head to the side, openly pondering. “You’re just saying that because of the dreams thing, right?”

“You what?”

“You think you have to defer the manual labour to me, get some of those ‘valued’ feelings racing through my body.”

I wanted to pay them attention, to follow the banter… but the vampire? He was coming closer still, across the park now, almost upon us.

“Err… Buffy? Faith..?”

Their gaze still locking into each other. Not hearing a word.

“I was ‘actually’ just feeling tired. Exhausted, generally beat.”

From the corner of my eye I could see her smile, completely ignoring the enclosing beast, completely ignoring everything except Faith. Bringing that hand up to her exposed skin, tracing it the length of her arm. “Besides Faith, I know it’s not ‘valued’ feelings that race through your body after a good slay…”

“GUYS!”

Wills screamed it, not me. The vamp was practically ready to take a bite from them, his form launching through the air to land upon them at any second. It wouldn’t matter then who was ‘the’ slayer. We’d be lucky to be left with one.

And then I watched Faith move as if in slow motion, maybe fast motion. Maybe I didn’t see anything at all. All I know is that I saw her smirk, I saw the wink… I saw the ‘look’ that she gave Buffy’s words. Then I saw her arm extended with a stake in her hand, and the vampire blowing on the breeze. I know my mouth hung open. I know that ‘that’ had been beyond fast.

“Nice moves slayer.”

“Glad ya like them B.”

Their focus hadn’t changed, as if we weren’t even there baring witness. The mating dance so easy to spot from a mile away, let alone as close as we were. Hands moving down over skin to find a way to hips, to bring bodies closer. Noses grazing with the slightest of intent. I had been entranced. Willow hadn’t. Her giggling hard not to miss, as her hand squeezed tight in mine.

“Hey Tara, you think we’re gonna get our own ‘dry hump’ demonstration?”

And of course I laughed. “Oh! I have my books, we can take notes!”

I mimicked getting my stuff from my bag as they both turned to take us in, satisfied smiles sitting plain on their faces. They didn’t break the contact of the hold though. There was still a chance we would get the demonstration.

“Do I even wanna know what you’re talking about?”

“Oh come on Buff, no playing innocence here girly!”

“Playing innocence?”

It was obvious the way that her fingers were still caressing Faith, that she wasn’t thinking anything innocent, far from it. She also hadn’t caught the meaning though, didn’t register the same understanding that Faith was shooting our way.

“Anya right?” We nodded our assent, offered our smirks and raised eyebrows. “Damn, I knew she was watching! Freaking demon pervert!”

“Watching? Watching what exactly… we were just sparring! SPARRING!”

And yes, Buffy had caught on too. I don’t know if she thought the volume would sway our belief, or if she hoped that it would hide her embarrassment. It certainly didn’t stop Willow in her quest.

“Sparring on the floor with…” She stopped and considered for a moment, recalling Anya’s words. “…‘Faith writhing around on top of you, and you full of the moaning’… ‘that’ kind of sparring Buff?”

“I pulled a muscle!”

“I betcha did, ya little vixen!”

It was just too funny, and also a little ridiculous. Two grown women getting busted for dry humping in the basement. In a way I suppose, it WAS innocent. More of the cute.

“Leave it B, we’re busted.” Faith turned to Willow and offered a smirk of her own. “At least now you know why training is such an important part of the routine…”

And yes, the eyebrows came out to play. I think they scare Willow a little, the blatant sexuality that she can turn on and off with the rise and fall of those two perfectly crafted brows. I watched my little red head as she considered Faith’s words, as her own were set to be offered. “You do train an awful lot, I suppose there has to be some benefit to it.”

I had to speak, had to remind them that I was still here. “So are we getting a demonstration then?”

“Well I’m game Tara, ask B.”

And the look on Buffy’s face brought laughter to us all. I’m not sure where the teasing ends and the truth begins sometimes. The boundaries always shifting, sometimes in the loop, sometimes out. It keeps it fresh, keeps it fun. Did nothing to stop the chill in the air as Spike made an unexpected appearance.

It wasn’t only me that felt it. I watched as they all stiffened, as Faith moved closer to Buffy’s side with that special sneer which finds her face whenever he is around. I let my hand find Willow’s, knowing that the tension gives her an acid tummy. A worrying frown.

“Evening ladies.”

Said so easily. So lightly.

I like to find the good in everyone, I truly do. I look for the good in everyone, but with Spike… I just don’t know. He has done some good things, especially last year. But now? Now it doesn’t seem as if I can even find the one thing redeeming. Praying for all of this to be over just so as we could say goodbye to him from our lives. Forever.

“What do you want?” Faith snarled it at him. Almost growling.

“Easy love, I just came to give some info to the slayer…”

And he had to know that he was baiting her. As if he had heard the conversation containing her doubts and looked to play upon them now. As if he sought to taunt her. It gave me my own worrying frown, a frown which didn’t disappear until I witnessed Buffy’s hand on Faith’s arm, the way that it moved up and down in confident calming strokes. The way her voice rose with strength and steel to dismiss him from our foursome.

“If you have info Spike, then you can give it to me or to Faith… we’re ‘both’ the slayer.”

His distaste was obvious, as was hers. What wasn’t so obvious though, was the reason that he had found to smile. The way he thought that he had the power to covet her so openly, to run his eyes upon her form as if he believed that they were lovers. But they had never been ‘lovers’, of that I couldn’t be more certain.

“Fine, like I bloody care, I’m just trying to help.”

“So help. What do you know?”

She hadn’t left Faith’s side. Hadn’t moved her hand from the arm of the person that she did love. Maybe finding her strength there, the ability to stand so firm in front of the thing which had haunted her for months. It was good to see, even as his words spoke of the rumours of a beast sent to get the witches, to get me and Willow, even through that, the strength in the slayers’ stances had made me find a smile. Find confidence.

We continued to walk as he talked, him on the periphery, gaining no entry into our tight knit group. His words bringing no banter, but instead business tones, for business talk. It was uncomfortable, of course it was, but it was more than that. It was a feeling, a taste in the mouth, a turning in the tummy. A feeling that sat and told me that something was wrong. Something was very wrong. My grasp was getting tighter and tighter in Willow’s, hers offering the same back, making me wonder if it was a general feeling, felt by the masses.

I caught the vigilant swinging of eyes from both of our slayers and knew that it was the truth. In fact the only one who didn’t seem affected was Spike. And If only I had known why. But I hadn’t. All thoughts being lost in the scream as my girl was the first to see the size of the thing approaching us. The monster approaching us.

“Holy fucking crap…”

“And then some.”

The slayers had broken touch as soon as they had reacted to Willow’s scream. So quickly falling into fighting posture, Buffy’s defensive, Faith’s aggressive.

“Give me a plan, B?”

“Well… ‘don’t die’ is sounding pretty good again…”

It had sounded good to me too. Had me backing away as fast as I could, bringing Willow with me, restraining her from even thinking about getting involved. If it wanted us, then the best way for us to help, was to stop it from getting us. We made our way to the nearest tree, sought some kind of refuge behind it, peeking out to see the slayers embroiling themselves in a fight that even I wasn’t so sure of the odds on. Big and scary. That was all that I knew.

“Baby, we have to do something…”

“No.” I offered her my firmest look, there was no way that she would be using magic, not even thinking about using magic. “Not an option.”

“But Tara…”

“No!” It came out a little shouted, harsh. Made me struggle to soften my tone. “We have to get home, to get the others… it’s the best way to help.”

She looked back out, the fight happening just meters away from us. “But it’s so big… we can’t just leave them…”

Her speech was interrupted by the arrival of Faith, flying through the air and landing on her ass. Cursing the beast in all manner of ways. Her eyes were on fire, burning only more intensely when she saw us by her side.

“For fucks sake, you’re still here?”

“Faith we’re not leaving, there’s no way…”

“You don’t have the choice.” There wasn’t friendship or understanding in her words, they were spoken firm and direct. An order from the slayer. “Get home, and get the others… me and B will hold it off…” She started moving again to her partners side, all the seconds out of the fight causing her body to strain. “…and bring weapons… BIG fucking weapons!”

“See sweetie? Can we go now?”

She still looked resolute, determined to stay, to not leave her best friend’s side. “I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right…” Her brow was scrunching as she thought it through, I was hoping that she hurried up. The beast getting closer to our position with every second. “…what if it’s a trap, what if we walk out of here and there’s a bigger badder beast just around the corner… then what?”

“Baby I get that you want to stay… really, but we can’t… look…”

I had pointed her back towards Buffy. The battle raging fierce, seeming as if all that the girls could do was to deflect the blows. Stay upright. Spike was there too… backing towards us as he… as he what? Led it our way?

No. Of course I didn’t think that. I only wish that I had thought that. Instead I had watched as he turned to us. As he spoke to the slayers. “The bloody witches are still there, they’re gonna get killed if they don’t piss off!”

Almost concern in his voice, mocking concern.

It was enough to have Faith’s eyes leave the fight as she sought us out again, her mouth set to open as she went to shout more instructions. Her body falling southwards as she caught the blow she wasn’t looking for.

“Faith!”

I watched as Buffy almost lost it too, her eyes only just fast enough to prevent herself from finding the same fate. Watched as the beast lumbered unencumbered towards our spot.

“We really have to go now…”

My own voice had found firm, was issuing orders. And finally she started to listen, started to back slowly away as her eyes fixed fully on the thing coming straight for her. Her gaze unwavering… its gaze unwavering. It was creepy, it was… it was like a connection.

“Willow..?”

Nothing.

“Baby..?”

But she didn’t turn, instead leaving it to Buffy to break the moment. To take advantage of the instant to crash her fist against the thing’s face. To make it howl its displeasure.

“Guys serious, please… get out of here…”

She had lost firm, had found pleading. Had turned her eyes to the thing she despised the most and almost begged for help. “Spike, get them home, make sure they get home…”

“Me, take the birds home? Are you off your rocker?”

“Spike…”

“No, I ain’t a sodding babysitting service…”

I didn’t want him coming home with us. I didn’t have the voice to argue. Faith taking the moment to bring herself back into the fight, slicing through the air, to land a kick to the back of its head, to make it turn and leave us for a moment. To let Buffy speak again.

“Spike… please?”

It made all of our gazes lock. Spike affecting the gallant pose as he turned slowly towards us. “Oh come on then, best get you home before bedtime.”

Did I notice the smirk? Did I still feel the feeling? Yes. And I ignored it. Let him usher us away with the sound of the fight behind us. Slipping further and further away behind us. Finally just the three of us left to our own thoughts, no idle chatter. Nothing being said until he chose to speak. Until it became apparent.

“It’s a shame I have to do this.”

We didn’t ask. We just looked. Not even sure he was talking to us.

“I always liked you two, out of all of them… less whiney, looking to see the good in a man…”

“What?”

He had stepped so quickly towards us that I hadn’t seen a thing. Had felt her ripped from my hands, had heard her scream. But it couldn’t… I couldn’t…

The image wouldn’t make sense. I saw him at her throat, I saw him drink from her… and it didn’t make sense. He had the chip… he couldn’t even do that…

It paralysed me, the shock, the misunderstanding. And goddess, I didn’t even try and stop him. Didn’t even move as he let her drop with a whimper and turned to me. As his eyes lit with the yellow feral glow and his voice spat forth with demonic excitement.

“I always wanted a taste of the red head… quite a sweetie you got there…”

I know I reacted then. I know my mind went to shoot forth and burn him with the anger his words had produced. But I couldn’t, couldn’t think faster than his fist reached my face. Faster than I felt the bone of my nose crack loudly beneath it.

Nothing faster than the blackness which had engulfed me. Which still engulfs me now.

I don’t know how long I have been here. How long I have been bound by binds my magic can’t break, been blindfolded by something I can’t move to remove. I haven’t spoken or been spoken to. Have just been waiting. All my thoughts focused on the memory of Willow falling, of the whimper that left her lips as she fell. My proof that she was okay. And how I know that I am not okay.

I freeze as I feel something touching my face. The warmth of human contact.

“Tara… I can’t tell you how pleased I am to see you.”

“Wh…who are you?”

My voice sounds so weak, I can’t help it. My stutter there to remind me of all of the times I had ever been weak. So easy to fall back on, the fear so easy to feel.

“Who am I?” His laugh isn’t calming. “Warren… just Warren.”

It rises manically further as he takes the blindfold from me. As he shows me the form of the thing that seeks to take so much from us. Just a boy. Just Warren.

“You… but you’re…”

“Yep! Crazy right?”

My head is nodding my agreement. All sorts of crazy. My eyes adjusting to the light, sweeping around the room. Taking in all the participants to the end of the world. And…

“Andrew..?”

And what? I don’t…

“Ah yes, Andrew.”

He makes his way slowly towards him, making me shiver as he runs his hand softly down over his cheek, almost caressing. It’s kinda… oogey. And confusing.

“What?… Is h…he a prisoner too?”

And I really don’t like the way that he keeps laughing. The obvious unhinged quality to his tone.

“A prisoner..?” I watch as he rips the binds from Andrew’s face, gives him back the power to speak. “Tell Tara how much of a prisoner you are Andrew?”

“I… I…”

“Spit it out, we don’t have all day!” I watch as Warren wraps his hand tight around the boy's hair, pulls firm to direct his focus back to me. “Tell Tara if you’re a prisoner.”

“I…” He screams a little as Warren tugs harder. “No! I’m not a prisoner…”

And I think I slump as much as he does. As I realise what this means. How we had let him into our home, our lives… and all the time he was betraying us. It hurts. It hurts worse than the nose. I really had seen the good in him, it didn’t seem right that he was here. That he was bad.

“Johnathan… release Andrew’s binds.”

I see as the someone else comes into focus. And now I’m even more thrown. Just another boy, maybe more of a boy than the other two… and how is this possible? How can they have done so much damage? They look… well, they just all look like young boyish nerds. Nothing dangerous.

“Yes master.”

I see the small one wave his hands over Andrew’s binds. Recognise the magic being used. The simplicity of the spell.

“Now Andrew, your task…”

And as he drops to the floor I see the woman behind him. Recognise her immediately as the demon from Buffy’s party… the wish demon. “Hallie..?”

She meets my eyes and I know whose side she is on. Steel shining through as she pulls her shoulders tight. The gag stops her from speaking, but I don’t need her words. I’m counting my troops, I have her on side.

“Oh you know Hal?” My words must have broken Warren’s focus, making him turn to me again, making him address me with that heartless tone. “She’s a very good friend of mine… you like the girls too right? Maybe you can have a go?”

I’m biting my lip to prevent my outburst. I can’t do anything now. It’s better to wait. I keep my eyes on him as he touches her skin, as he finds his way through the straggled material that barely covers any modesty. Keep her gaze as she seeks mine again. Offer her all that I can.

“Bloody hell! Can we not leave the bint alone for five flaming minutes..? We’ve still got the little deal of the slayers to work out.”

“Ah right… the slayers.” He breaks his hold on Hallie, walks past Andrew’s prostrate form on the floor, and approaches the vampire. “Now what was the deal with the slayers again?”

Spike’s snarl speaks as much as I need to know, his words confirming my guesses. “I got you the witch, you get me the slayers…”

“Ah yes… and now I have my witch!… Johnathan, get the charm for Spikey here.”

“Master? The charm..?”

Those crazy eyes burn into him as he asks his bumbled question.

“The ‘charm’ Johnathan… the thing you conjured for Spike, to uh… get the slayers…”

The boy’s fear was obvious as he shook his head. He looks like he knows just about as much to do with the charm thing as I do. It makes Warren push past him, stride across the room and return with a blue velvet box. Opening it up to Spike’s greedy eyes and then placing it in his hands.

“You wear this Spike and the slayers won’t be able to touch you. You have my guarantee…”

I watch as Spike takes it out of the box. Know that my confusion is showing as he fixes it to his shirt. I don’t say anything though. Don’t mention that Xander has that exact same Star Trek replica pin sitting in his bedroom at home… that as far as I know there isn’t any charm involved.

“I look like a sodding poof!”

“You look great Spike, Buffy won’t know what’s hit her…”

“You’re right about that.”

He looks back at me as he turns to leave. Giving me a nod almost of goodbye, as if we are friends. It makes me want to vomit, to scream my disgust at him. But again I restrain myself. Focus instead on Warren. On what he is saying now.

“Sorry ‘bout that Johnathan, I forgot all about the deal…”

“It’s okay master, I deserved it.”

“Good job I remembered the pin! Stupid vampire.”

“But… won’t the slayers kill him?”

He laughs that laugh again. Pats the boy on the head. “That’s the plan Johnathan… he’s served his purpose, I don‘t need him anymore.”

He starts walking slowly back my way. Stopping to assess Andrew, to rise him up from the floor with the strength in his hands. “Come on, shake it off. Anyone would think you’d been hanging there for a week, oh… wait! You HAVE been hanging there for a week!”

And I’m still not finding his humour. Instead holding my breath in the hope that somehow he will forget me. Will stay focused on Andrew.

“Are you ready to prove your worth?”

“I… I am… master.”

No.

I can’t help but sigh. Forgetting to hold my breath as the final proof I needed that Andrew is bad is given to me.

“Excellent, it’s an easy job… I want you to go back in, but better than that… I want you to kill me the slayers!”

“No!”

I can’t stop my voice from demanding it. Making them turn to look at me. Warren with evil eyes, Andrew with empty ones.

“Yes Tara! We have something special for the slayers… a little vial with a little poison. All especially conjured for them by Johnathan. And all we need now is someone close enough to deliver it… someone very special!”

He sounds as if he expects applause. He gets none. I just close my eyes and pray that somehow everything will work out okay. I’m trying so hard to combat the fear. To hold in the shivers. To stay strong and focused. But my goddess… he is just so evil.

It’s of course obvious to me now that it is him who wants the portal to open, him who wants to use Willow to achieve his evil aims. And I really do pray as hard as I can.

“And don’t think about turning traitor Andrew, it really is too late for that.” My attention goes back to them. Their words. To Warren’s steely gaze which is carrying as much threat as his tone. “If they don’t kill you, I will kill you… this is the only way now. Do as I say and I’ll let you live.”

“I’ll do it…” He stood as tall as I knew him to be. Wiping his arm across his face to remove the snivels and the snot. “…I can do it.”

I want to scream. To beg and to plead. Instead I keep my eyes on him. Make my last appeal a silent one. ‘Don’t do it’, over and over. No volume to get me heard. I watch as the vial is procured in his grasp, as he slides it into the waistband of his pants. As he turns and leaves without even one backwards glance towards me. And that scares me too. Knowing that he is fixed on the mission.

I hang my head with the weight of it all. Catch Hallie’s eyes again in solidarity. I don’t understand her secret smile. The confidence with which she can still hold her shoulders. If Andrew gets to the slayers, if Warren gets to Willow… all of this? Everything is over. I do smile back though, I may not understand, but I will offer whatever comfort I can.

“Well, well, well… just us and the girls Johnathan, what do you suggest we do?”

I swing my gaze to face him as the words drip into my ears. Show the horror of what I think he is suggesting.

“Master..?”

“Just kidding Johnny, we have lots of planning to do!”

And yes my sigh is huge. A huge big old sigh of relief. Which turns quickly into this huge big old sigh of sadness. I know what Warren wants from Willow, but more than that I know how much Willow has to give, the lengths that she thinks it is okay to go to, to keep me safe. A terrifying thought. I remember back to her promises, to her words reaffirming our love… and I just hope, and I pray, that she can be strong. I don’t want to be saved if it means losing Willow. I don’t want anything if it means losing Willow. I close my eyes and do my best to stretch my mind. Knowing my magic is useless but trying anyway. Just trying to warn them. All of them.

The big bad isn’t coming. The big bad is here.

CHAPTER 25.

POV: Faith.

I know that it’s fighting, I know that it’s hard… but damn it! It just feels so fucking great! Me at her side, her at mine… kick, punch, duck, swing… watch the thing coming in close again. A shared look, a signal… another punch, ducking the swing… and it’s ALL a fucking rush!

“B, we’re taking this thing down!”

An eye catch, a slight smile. Back to business. Doesn’t matter how long it takes, how long it has taken, cos this creature, this beast? I can see it slowly getting weaker, and I know that there is nothing weak about the way that me and my girl are working. Taking it in turns to take the heat. Her in, me out… keep on pushing it, keep on beating it. I watch as she lays another good one to its knee, hear the crack and whoop out my joy.

“I told ya girl, we’re taking it down!”

“You said ‘we’, that was my blow Faith!”

And I gotta give her the eye raise for that one.

“Team work B! Me AND you…”

I break off the banter to take my turn at the helm, swinging my leg high through the air to crash down against the head of the big bad beast thing. At least I think it’s a head. It has eyes in it… not so much of a looker though. Way past ugly. It screams as I connect… I scream as I connect, and still it’s just a joyous fucking occasion.

I stand myself down and watch as it staggers itself back to its feet, maybe sensing the finish that’s coming if it doesn’t manage to get up. It won’t stop the finish though, I know that it’s still coming. I send B the hand jive that means a double team, four fists better than two… prepare to give everything that I have got left to end an evening that started so well. My fists feeling each of the splits as they pound against the steely feel of alien skin.

“Faith, go left!”

And I don’t even think it. Left is my place. Moving in time to see her drop to the floor and sweep. Taking the weight from the thing’s knee that she’s already busted. Bringing it down again. Taking it out again. I watch her roll a distance away and I know that it’s my turn to offer more service.

“You think it’s time to finish up?”

I can hear the breathlessness in my voice as I speak, the evidence of how long it has taken us to get this thing under control. So much easier since our attention isn’t split between fighting and watching the witches, worrying about the witches. Easier to just let go when there isn’t anything else to worry about. It’s like sending evil a message… you don’t fuck with the slayers. It really isn’t worth it.

“I’m done if you are?”

And she has NO breathlessness! That same control that she always finds for her voice spreading out across the silence of an otherwise peaceful night.

“I’m done.”

The beast is back to its knees, whimpering in place as it tries to bring its hefty bulk somewhere close to standing. I think we both know that it isn’t happening. That I’m taking it out. I take aim with every piece of power that I have ever held in me, straight at the ugly fucker’s face, the steel in my boots crashing with maximum impact as I slide my foot true to its target. I know I scream again, or grunt, or howl… or something. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that where there was a head, there’s now…

“B..?”

“What the heck..?”

And yeah. What the heck? Again the thing disappears and again I don’t get it. Don’t understand it.

“That did just happen right..?” I let my knees take the weight from my hands, resting just a little bent over… just a little breather, a little recoup. A little ‘what the fuck with the things that keep on disappearing?’ “Cos that’s three times now… and I’m pretty sure I never got that talent listed as a super power… but then…”

I stop as I sense her impending arrival, my eyes travelling up from the empty space on the floor to meet the sight of her feet. Her legs. Her body…

“Maybe you’ve got some hidden talents Faith?”

Her face. The way that she is smiling at me, her teeth clenching onto that tiny piece of lip, silent contemplation, her own eyes travelling up over all that I am. And I catch the sudden change in atmosphere. One crackling intensity exchanged for another. I feel it too.

“Did you wanna help me find them?”

I raise myself back to full height, crack out the tension that sits across my neck, wipe at the mess I’d incurred whilst fighting the disappearing demon thing. And it’s funny how close we stand without even touching, how the distance between us is nothing except that which we let it be. No air, no moonlight. Just anticipation.

I know that her lips are moving, I know that she is saying something. Her eyes are dancing with the kind of mischief I love to make… but I just can’t hear a sound. All that I can do is to look at her, study her. Just in this moment. Her hair a mess of fighting disarray, a scratch reaching from her ear down across her neck… and everything, all of it… I just can’t stop looking. I notice as she stops… as her lips quiet the sounds that I can’t even begin to hear, as her own eyes join me in taking the time to see everything. I let her gaze reach inside of me, let the moan slip from my throat as I finally feel her slip slide against me.

“I want you Faith.”

And I heard that. I felt that.

“You want me?” Just a whisper to soften this moment, to stop me from taking her with all of the urgency that I want to take her with. I reach out my fingers to trace the scratch which dares to mark her skin, moisten my tongue with the need to kiss it better. To lose myself in kissing her better.

“You know that I do.”

Her lips are moist too and now they’re pressing hard against mine. The warmth of her mouth surging heat through each of my limbs, urging me to not hold back, to not play coy anymore. The energy that buzzes around my senses is like nothing else, each of her kisses a signal that in her I have found my true equal. No longer a need to hold back… to hold anything back.

I reach for air in the same instant that she does, not breaking this kiss, but making it less. Giving time to turn my thoughts into words. “Do you want to come…”

And how do I phrase the next? How do I ask a girl back to my place and show her that I really mean it? How do I finally invite her that last step inside? I grab at all of the words that I have ever known, forget everything that could cling me back to a harsh reality, cos I know that it’s there. But if I just forget, if I just ignore it…

“We have to go to mine Faith, we have to check on the girls.”

And I’m duty slapped again.

I cover it with a telling nod, an agreement with the suggestion. “Of course B. Just what I was gonna say…”

The hiss that leaves my mouth as her fingers find the edge of my top, maybe belie my words a little. I don’t care. I focus only on her fingers as they sweep upwards across my skin, as they count the bones in my spine and dance closer together, until she holds me tight in her hands and speaks to me again.

“No you weren’t Faith, I know you weren’t.” Her tone is as teasing as the slight circles she finds for my flesh. “I know what you were going to say.”

“You do, do ya?”

“Uh-huh.”

Touches coursing back down again as she tickles her way to the top of my pants, edging inside to find the top of my panties. And can I cry? Can I weep with the want? Because I want it all so god damn much.

“Buffy..?”

“Hmmmm.” Her tongue trips out to taste her name upon my lips, her smile only growing ever bolder. “You were gonna invite me to yours…”

And what is she? A fucking mind reader now?

I know in my mind that I want her. That I need her. The same way I know that if her fingers dare to slide any lower, I won’t even have the dignity left to find a room, to find anything except the losing of my self in her. I lean back a little to break her game, to try and get a hold on what game it is that we are playing. I get the buzz, I feel the juiced from the fighting… but how juiced? How far is this going? I have to ask, I have to know.

“Would you have come B?”

It comes out a little like pleading, it feels a lot like begging, and it sounds just like a sigh as her hand slides down to find the naked crack of my ass. And I freeze, I don’t know what to do. Do I move closer? Do I urge her on with my words? Do I take a minute to breathe?

“I want to come Faith.” Said so husky, so weighted with a desire that I had only ever dreamt would be directed at me. Making me push just a little, just a transference of weight from back foot, to front foot. Her palm sitting flush against my ass as I move another inch closer.

My hands reach up to find the back of her head without even thinking, grasping with a firmness I would never imagine that I could find with anyone else. Wouldn’t even attempt with anyone else. Crashing her mouth to mine for just a second, just one outlet for the pressure which is building so damn fast and fluid inside of my panties, raging like a fire as her hand caresses harder against my skin. And it’s B that breaks it back now. Her that shows me breathlessness.

“Faith.”

Can I taste my name on her lips too? My own slip of tongue.

“Wait… stop…”

“Mmmm…” I can’t stop. Don’t want to stop. Will not stop…

“OW!”

And she pinched me! She damn well just pinched my bare ass!

“Fuck B!”

And she’s laughing?

“Sorry, I just…” Her face is showing something mocking contrite. Eyes gleaming in a way that still speaks of mischief. I don’t know what to do. Do I break her hand from its place and lose the feel of her fingers, or do I just grin my way through the torment of the pinch?

“You didn’t have to be so hard…”

I let her now soft soothing strokes calm me… wait. I let the soothing strokes distract me. There is nothing calm about me.

“Well you wouldn’t stop, and I wanted to ask you something.”

And I can’t stop myself from leaning in again as her hands slide the length of my ass, pressed tightly inside of my pants. Not close to home, but close enough to make me feel it. Fighting hard to stop myself finding a tighter position, from forcing her to feel it too. To feel me… fill me.

Words. Words will help. “What did you… uh…” I can’t help the sigh, the little intake of breath. “… what did you wanna ask me?”

Her hands slide out from their lazy ministrations to find their way again across the skin of my back. Nestling me in close and speaking quietly into my shoulder.

“Tonight, after we check the witches… see to Dawn, check in with Giles… after all of that stuff?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you stay with me Faith?”

“You want me to stay?”

She brings her face away from my jacket to look me in the eye, and this smile that I have is all for her. Everything I have is all for her.

“I want it more than anything.”

Can eyes shine without tears? Can they sparkle just from happiness? Because her eyes are sparkling and shining, and I want nothing more than to keep them that way. I let my lips give her my ‘yes’, in kisses which aren’t demanding, I haven’t anything left to demand from her. This is all that I want too.

I seek to confirm it to her with my words. “I would love to stay.”

“Well that’s a relief!”

I push back as her giggles reach my ears. As her body quivers just that tiny bit against mine. “Are you okay there B?”

“Uh-huh… just, well… I had these visions.”

“No shit? Like Cordy?”

And now I’m giggling too, and fuck knows why!

“No ya silly dope.”

I’m a dope now?

“You what?”

“I had these visions of you saying ‘no’…”

Yeah. I am so NOT the dope here.

“…I thought I might have to use force. I was gonna have rope, there was a full list of restraints, diagrams…”

Do I let her just carry on?

“…possible chains, something to combat the slayer strength…”

“I’m staying okay? There’s no bondage necessary.”

I lift my finger to her lips to quiet her words. Let the sweetness of her nervousness touch somewhere deep inside of me. It’s that innocence again, the thing that I had thought that neither of us could still posses. An innocence mocked by her tongue as it slides from her mouth to flick at my finger, mocked by her eyes as she shows me that we are big girls now. That there’s an end to all of our games.

“Not even a little bit of bondage Faith?”

Or maybe there’s a start to our games?

I pull my finger from the sudden vice grip of her teeth as she seduces me again within the instant. I could banter, I could play it hard, infact there’s a thousand different ways in which I could answer her. But I settle for no games. Settle for knowing that the look in her eyes signals exactly the same.

“Just take me home B.”

She brings her hands down to find mine, a touch that I had grown so used to over the last of these days, a touch that I didn’t want to let go of. A gentle tugging to point me in the right direction.

“So I guess we should get going then?”

“Ain’t no guessing involved.”

And we walked. And we talked. And none of it was anything to do with any of the things that make the night time go bump. Sure they were there, resting on the periphery of our gazes, eyes always flicking to keep up that constant guard, but they weren’t touching us. We talked instead about the kind of things which bring you closer together without you even realising it, things which can only ever matter if that other person gives a shit. Nothing to everyone except to that someone special. I learnt how many washes it takes to get the smell of the Double Meat out of her hair. The futility of the hours she had spent trying to find a job and ending up with this something that she hates with a passion. She told me how she wanted nothing more than to go back to college, how death had stolen that time from her too.

And what did I have to say? I had words which brought us back around to the things which we had continued to leave unmentioned, all because it wasn’t time to save ourselves yet. Or some other crap. It wasn’t like I meant to, I was just being honest with her. She asked me about my training with Angel, and I told it like it was.

“Yeah, he’s cool to work with, he’s got that centred thing going on…”

“I remember the centred.”

“Right.” Of course she did. It didn’t upset me. I loved him too. Different but the same. “Well that’s kinda it, we work on my calm, and we work on my speed.”

“I noticed that… not the calm, although I get the calm, but the speed…” Her eyes had a curious quality and I knew that I would speak the truth when she asked. “…you put me on my backside easy enough, and with the beasts…”

“You wanna know why right?”

I felt the quick flash of pain, a flash of a memory registering for me, and I knew that it must be registering for her too. I could see it in her eyes. It’s all about the hurt sometimes, and these were times which had more than hurt. I took her silent sombre nod as my road to continue.

“After I got out I went to Angel, and well… I guess I was pretty much screwed. I knew how bad I had fucked everything B. I knew I wasn’t looking to ever get a chance to make that right…” I blew the sigh from my lips out into the night. “…I just wanted to make sure that I never fucked up like that again.”

“So you made yourself faster.”

“It’s all that I could think of. I relived that night so many times, you know? That instant, that second, your voice… my stake. I swear, I’ve seen it over and over again… my mistake, my fuck up.”

I didn’t want it to still hurt the same, but speaking it out loud, and speaking it to her..? It had every block I had carefully crafted crumbling right before her. Not wiping at the feeling in my eyes, because it was so right to show it to her, letting her see what it did to me. I had lied to her before. I said that I didn’t care, and I had almost fooled myself as well. I was never truly a monster though… inside I had always cared.

“Mistakes happen Faith. It’s what Giles said.”

“They didn’t happen to you though, did they B? It wasn’t you who slammed a slice of wood straight through a live guy's heart.”

“Only because it was me that tossed him to you. I know that… I always knew that. Well, once the self righteous denial was over I knew that…”

Her smile wasn’t one that belittled what we had done, it was a smile that made me hear the ‘we’, in a place that I had only ever seen the ‘me’.

“…I’ve replayed that night a lot too. It was all that I could do at first.”

“Right.”

“I’m not as fast as you are now Faith, I’ve never been as fast as you are now, not even then… if it was the other way around, could I have stopped?”

I didn‘t answer. I didn’t know. We didn‘t know. “I just wanna be prepared. I don’t want to ever let that happen again.”

She couldn’t offer me reassurances that it wouldn’t. Of course she couldn’t. Not unless she really does start getting Cordy style visions, but then I know how Cordy got hers, and if I ever caught her slipping B the tongue..? Not pretty. Or maybe it would be very pretty…

Either way, I didn’t look for assurances to a future that we couldn’t see. I just accepted her hand in mine and lived in the now. Her words that spoke of facing things alone, of never wanting to face things alone again. Me or her. And I agreed. So obvious the sense that can be made when you’re no longer afraid to speak the truth. Of course I wondered just a little, wondered if we had been older and wiser then, if I had spoken my truth and she had shown me hers… would it have all ended differently? Would we have hurt each other so much?

But it wasn’t about that anymore. It gets harder to regret those times when these times are looking so much towards the up. So instead I accepted her words and sealed them with my own. Had found her hand again and walked our way home. Every single step taken, accompanied by words to bring me ever closer to her.

And it made it so sad when it had all come to an end.

In the way that evil permeates everything it touches, we could feel it bursting through the very fibres of the house. Something off kilter, something out of balance. Making our steps fall faster as we sought to find an answer to the feeling. Giles being the one to open the door with a look that said he had been waiting.

“Giles… what is it?”

“Buffy come in, there’s been… well, quite frankly we don’t really know what’s happened.”

“What do you mean you don’t know, don’t know what?”

Her voice was determined, lack of answers would not be permitted.

“It’s Willow, she’s been hurt.”

“What?” I stepped up to him with a need to urge him on. No clarity yet, just confusion.

“Xander found her, he and Anya were on their way over and they found her at the roadside…”

I exchanged looks with B, she got it about as much as I did. Not at all.

“What about Tara? Where’s Tara?”

“I had rather hoped that she was with you, Willow hasn’t come round yet, there’s a fair bit of blood loss. We haven’t a clue what happened.”

It was the cue for Xander to come bowling his way down the stairs. The dust obvious in his eyes as he took us both in. “I thought you were watching her, I thought you were watching them?”

“There was a fight…”

“Oh yeah, I just bet there was, and what was it Buff, your gooey eyes versus hers?”

“Back up there Xan, I don’t know what the fuck’s going on here, but you haven’t got any right to take a swipe at us.”

“What happened girls?”

Giles was trying to inject some order back into the moment. His voice not recriminating, just searching for the facts. Watcher tone in place as he sought the pieces to fit in the puzzle. I was with him. I wanted answers too.

“We were coming home after work, Spike showed up to warn us about another beast… then it came, it was after the witches, after Willow I think…”

Her voice trailed off so I picked it up. I knew where her head was going. In synch with mine. My fingers starting to itch as my senses buzzed with the truth.

“We sent them off with Spike, we told him to get them home. To protect them.”

“You what!? You sent them with Spike? Are you crazy!?”

And I had felt like asking the same. In the instant it had made sense… his words. He didn’t want to bring them… he wasn’t a ‘sodding baby sitter’. No. It seemed as though he was so much more. I appealed to Xander again.

“Calm it okay, there isn’t nothing getting done if you’re gonna stand there screaming.”

“What’s wrong with Will?”

“Seems like your ‘boyfriend’ helped himself to a little taster Buff, maybe now you’ve cut him off he fancied something different…”

And I didn’t mean to be on him. I really was calmer, but this wasn’t happening. I only found the front of his shirt, let the growl from my throat let him know I meant business. “Back the fuck off.”

“Faith, no.”

Her hand had settled against my back as my eyes were drilling deep into his. Pulling me away from the moment of anger. For him, for us. Mostly for Spike.

“But how could Spike have done this, I don’t understand…”

“Me neither B, maybe his chip got defuncted, doesn’t really matter.” I turned to Giles, the only one who was speaking sense. “Is Red gonna be okay?”

“Yes Faith, it looks bad now, but it’s nothing that won’t pass, we’re just waiting for her to come round. Dawn and Anya are with her, they’ve bandaged her up.”

“Right, well that’s us then.”

“Sorry?”

“We’re out of here watcher, slayers got a job to do.”

I know my voice sounded like steel, it was meant to. If that thing had Tara… I know that he had Tara… I was getting her back. Me and B. The chance to do something that should have been done ages ago. I tried to slide a wink Xander’s way, tried to show him that it would be okay, that I was a little sorry, was feeling a little of the guilt. I could see that the dust in his eyes was blocking his view though, because all that he did was to turn his back on us and trudge back up the stairs. Back up to the girl who we were supposed to have been guarding.

“B, you ready to motor?”

“Wait Faith.”

I had wanted to scream my ‘no’. No more waiting. She wouldn’t hold me back from him again, this was it this time. The only pass that fucker had left was the one which would take him straight to hell. I didn’t know the whats or the whys, and I didn’t much care either. He would get a chance to explain in the second before I ended him, that was all that mattered. Ending him.

“No waiting Buffy, this is it. I’ll go alone if I have to.”

Her eyes had flashed an almost warning to me. An odd expression, one I couldn’t read all of the way through. “I’ll be down in a minute. Wait here.”

I didn’t speak and she didn’t speak again, just turned on her tail and took the stairs. Maybe she had to see Red first, I was just itching to go. Not looking at Giles, not looking at anything except the stake which swirled with confidence in my grasp. A truth that I knew for sure. Occupying me until she returned with a change of jacket, her face now set in a way which didn’t offer me anything other than the face of the slayer. It was okay with me, it was the face that I wanted to see.

I had followed her lead as she took us to the cemetery, questioning just once the idea that he would be stupid enough to be sat in his crypt and waiting for us.

“If he is stupid enough to have hurt Will, to have taken Tara, then he’s stupid enough to be there.”

Not much of a conversation, but it was all that there was. Everything else pushed aside until we came to be standing outside of his crypt. A familiar place now, a place which had haunted me almost since my return. I held back just the second to follow her lead, accepting that there was more here for her than just this latest outrage. Maybe a part of me, that insecure part of me, trying to read what she would do, whether she would let me bring an end to it.

I don’t know what I expected to see when we crashed our way through the door, her foot connecting hard again to send it slamming from its hinges, but I know I didn’t expect to see him standing there posturing, looking as if he had expected us and welcomed us. His arms held wide as he took in our advancing forms.

“Slayers, what a nice surprise.”

“Where is she Spike?”

“She? Ain’t no she here love, you’ve got yourself the wrong address.”

He was sneering at her as if he held all of the cards, as if he had something which we didn’t, yet other than Tara, he had nothing. He was nothing.

“Don’t fuck about dead boy, where’s Tara.”

I know I was snarling my own, I know that the dark place in me was all about coming out to play. But it didn’t matter now, I welcomed it, this was coming out in the right way. This was destroying evil, this was what I was here for.

“You’re gonna regret talking to me like that, thinking that you can talk down to me…”

“Just tell me where she is Spike.”

I watched as Buffy strode closer and I let her have her moment, I would take mine in a second. I was so curious to see and to hear. Wondered how she would react as his eyes slid that familiar path over the slight tight curves of her body. As his lips twisted up in a smile that promised so much more of the bad stuff to her. Making me offer my own silent promises to him.

“It doesn’t matter where she is, it’s too late for her, too late for you…”

He turned his back and walked further into the crypt. Almost dismissing us with a manner which made me wonder at whether we should be a little nervous, if we should worry about his posturing being something more than what we thought. We had been caught out once tonight, I didn’t want to be caught out again. I followed his lead slowly and made my way further inside, sneered at the pathetic self imaging I witnessed within him, the ego which made him wander around the room like an extra on a porn set. Shirt undone, pants loosely buckled.

“So how did ya do it Spikey, how did ya get the chip out?”

“Only thing you should be worried about, is how long it’s gonna take me to drain you dry.”

I was straining on a breaking leash, everything within me calling out for me to destroy him. He made me sick, everything about him, everything he stood for. The only factor stopping me from making this second his last, was the knowledge that this was about Tara. We had to know where she was. I thought of responding, of letting him know that he would never have the chance to put his mouth anywhere near me. To drain me anything, let alone dry. But I didn’t get the chance. In the time that it took me to form a solid comeback, she was at him. A solid slayer slap across his face, a resounding crack echoing through his dark and dank chamber.

“No Spike.” I saw her pull her dainty shoulders even further up, pulling at her strength. Taking the charge. “You don’t get to touch her. Now where is she, where the hell is Tara?”

“Funny you should mention ‘hell’, love. I hear the witch is getting a room with a view.”

Her fist hit him this time, smashing with force to his face. No room for open handed, when his mouth just wouldn’t co-operate. Sending him down to the floor, his expression showing not only wounded, but something else. Surprise? Shock? I don’t know…

“You hurt me…”

He was pulling himself back to standing, fingering a fucking brooch on his shirt as if it held the clues and the answers to the universe. It looked cheap and tacky to me. Nothing like my universe.

“Yes Spike, and I’m gonna hurt you again if you don’t tell me where she is.”

“I don’t…”

And she hit him again. Not waiting to hear his answer, instead slicing through the air to send him reeling back to the floor. It was enough to make him break out his game face, to have his fangs snarling at her as she took a solid stance in front of him. Enough to have me approaching her side to see if she needed the hand. A part of me hoped so. I wanted to hurt him too.

“You think that you can stop this slayer? You think that you and your slutty psycho side kick have any chance of stopping this?”

And that was my call. Not to end him, not yet, but to hurt him. My knee cracking his face as he wallowed before me on the floor. My boots forcing their way into his side as he tried to regain some ground. “Where the fuck is Tara?”

He grinned some fucked up thing at me and flipped his way back to standing. On his feet in front of us without any intent to answer. Maybe now accepting that a fight was what was coming.

“I thought this dance was gonna be easy, but I can do hard…”

His fist swung backhanded at Buffy, catching her slightly as my own thrust faster at him, between the ribs where a heart didn’t beat, breaking us out into full on war. And for a vamp he was good, his fighting like that of a street fighter, dirty tricks apparent within each of his moves. Nothing effective against us though, not at first. We were fucking slayers, did he really think that he stood a chance?

We danced our way around the whole damn crypt trading punches with punches, kicks with kicks, constantly gaining ground, working him closer to a bloody pulp with indistinguishable features. But still no end. Demanding answers every time we strode in close, his lips releasing nothing but filth and curses aimed at both of us evenly. And I never truly expected that he would be able to land one on me. Never saw the moment as his fist crashed down against the side of my cheek, blood busting out to stain my eyes, distort my vision. I wiped at them furiously, felt the rage growing stronger inside of my soul, my guts churning with a need to kill, to destroy.

“Faith..?”

Fuck that. I didn’t want to hear concern for me. I wanted to hear the slayer in her finish him for me. I caught her form through my bloodied gaze, saw as her attention went from him to me, as his hand reached out and latched onto the hair on her head and swung her around to face him. Backing her up against the solid stone wall, pushing the coldness of his dead body flush along the length of hers.

I waited for her to push him off, waited for her strength to mock that what he thought he could take. But it didn’t happen. I saw instead as she froze. The fear which laced straight through her eyes as he ground himself against her.

“Have you missed me slayer?”

His mouth encroaching on the distance to hers, as his hand slid up the side of her taut and tense body. And I got it. I saw the fucking power that he had held over her, like the bully in the playground, the abuser in the bedroom. Making her play the part of a true fucking victim. Yeah. It was fucked up, and I had seen it all. I didn’t care a fuck about bloodied gazes then, or even very much about the missing witches. This was more than that. This was every single fucker that had ever taken advantage of me, this was someone standing in front of the girl that I loved and trying to make her less. And it did spell his end.

I know the howl that I found as I launched myself at him was nothing less than primal, than survival. Ripping his body from her and tossing him across the crypt, not stopping to see that she was okay, I had forever for her, this instant was just for him. I squared up solidly, clearing my head of rage and concentrating only on his movements. Not registering the sick twisted smile that he tried to infect me with, the words which he attempted to poison me with.

“You got a little taste of the jealousy there slayer? You want me to tell you how much she liked it, how much she begged for me to hurt her… to take her harder, deeper… you want me to show you how your precious bloody Buffy likes it?”

I didn’t let it touch me. He was nothing, everything that he said was nothing.

We circled each other slowly, me knowing the outcome, him confident of his own. A first flurry of fists proving that I had the upper hand. More strength, more power, and more speed. I took each of his ribs out with focused precise movements, made his face resemble nothing more than a fucked up bloody mess. A rotting piece of road kill.

“You wanna apologise Spikey, I’ll give you the chance if you want one?”

I was taunting him with my obvious advantage. Punching him at will, trying to remember how many bones there were to break within the human body. A dead human body. I didn’t look for Buffy, I had seen the hold that he could exert over her and I took the decision to leave her out of it. I could take care of this solo. I was sure of it.

My hands were destroying him further with each second passed, until it became almost just routine. His arms breaking, his legs breaking, till finally it was just him laid flat against the coldness of stone with my knee pressed firm against his throat.

“Any last words?”

I was in the zone. The killing zone. My body demanding I give release to the buzz I had cultivated with every blow. The slayer within me demanding the final taking out of its prey. I was so in the zone that I flinched at her fingertips, turned without thinking and let out a warning growl.

“Faith?”

It shook my senses, the sound of my name on her lips. Lips which bled slightly from the vigour of his forced kisses. Her eyes haunted and exhausted as she looked down on the thing beneath me. I edged slowly up, not knowing why, but just knowing that I had to. Maybe to give her the moment to make her last goodbyes. His voice almost shattered my resolve. My strength.

“Buffy..?”

And I don’t even know if he could focus on her, if his eyes which looked like slits in his pulverised face had any vision left in them. I didn’t care. I only cared that his own bleeding lips were finding that smile again, the sounds of bullshit thick in his voice as he tried to fool her again with the lie that he was something other than a monster.

I couldn’t believe it as her fingers slowly reached down to caress his face, as they traced his injuries with an almost silent reverence. Couldn’t believe it and couldn’t understand it. I lowered my head and let the exhaustion I had found in beating him so severely pull me to rest against a wall. I was done. If this wasn’t his end then it was surely mine. I was spent. My insides felt wasted.

“Buffy…”

He spoke her name again. Tried to roll onto his side, but instead just winced as the blood flowed free from his cuts and his bruises. Not one of them deep enough.

“Spike, where is she. Where’s Tara?”

“It’s… it’s…too late.”

I didn’t breath, didn’t move. Just stood my distance and let the wall support me. Listened to the softness in her tone. The peacefulness of her words.

“What did you do with her?”

“I…uh…” He winced again, and she touched him again. Softly soothing him with whispers, and gestures. Encouraging him to speak again. “…to Warren… for the chip…”

She nodded her head at him, and I just wondered who the fuck was Warren.

“Where is she?”

“Give me a bit to rest up love, and I’ll take you there myself…”

I wanted to scream. I seriously contemplated it. I’d never heard such bullshit my whole entire life, nothing that even I had spoken coming close to the levels of absolute crap he was finding to spill from his mouth. I should have ripped his throat out whilst I had had the chance. As it was, I stood there fantasising about his vocal chords laying slashed on the floor as she continued to touch him. Continued to placate him.

I know that if it had gone on any longer, I would have taken myself away. I couldn’t speak, I didn’t know what words would have made sense when everything around me had made none. I just stood there trapped in silence, watching the fucked up display that took place in front of me. Barely noticing as her hand slid inside of her jacket. As her fingers stopped caressing him and her body drew steadily back. I witnessed as the confusion flashed through Spike’s battered eyes though, getting what was happening the moment before I did. His words making a final rasp into the silence of the night.

“It won’t matter… none of this will matter, slayer.”

I watched as her arm drew back from within her jacket, admired the solid wood which sat with such familiarity within her grasp. I didn’t whoop and holler as I would have done if the wood was mine, if the blow had been mine to inflict. Instead I gave the moment the silence and respect that it deserved. Knew how very much more this had to mean to Buffy than it could ever mean to me. Her stake resting hard against his chest and nothing that he could do but to lay there and await his fate.

“It matters to me Spike. This matters to me.”

She sounded so childlike then, not like the slayer, the girl who could save the world, but ‘just’ a girl. The proof of how much it meant to her, being shown as she pushed all of her weight down upon the stake. And I swear that I heard it tear through his skin, heard it crack his sternum as it made its way through his busted ribs. Heard as his body in that moment turned to nothing more than dust. Like a soft whoosh, a barely there crackling. I’d never heard it so clearly before, never appreciated the beauty of the sound. What it represented. The end.

I had stayed frozen on spot. I didn’t know what to do. Just watched as she sat surrounded by the final reminder of him, staring deeply at the space which now lay open in front of her. I could see her lips silently moving again, not having a clue as to what she would be saying. What words she had to offer to the emptiness that she now touched. The stake still firm in her grasp, pushing tight against the floor. And I knew that I had to step up. Had to remind her that it wasn’t over. This had just been the beginning.

“Buffy?” I pushed off from the wall when she didn’t answer. Made my battle weary limbs carry me the small distance to her place on the floor. “B..?”

“I did it.”

Her eyes had swung slowly to meet mine, glistening no more with happiness, but real tears. I put my hand out towards her and offered someone silent thanks as I felt the warmth of her touch slide against me.

“Are you okay?”

“I did it.”

She was standing then, her hand still in mine, eyes going back to looking at the space she had made on the floor.

“Yeah, you did it B. Great job.”

I didn’t know what else to say. I’m not always so good at the tender touching moments. Knowing how to speak softly, which words to whisper.

“Yes.” She turned to face me and I knew it didn’t matter what I said. That whatever I said would be okay. Her words beat me to it though, words I hadn‘t understood then. “Thank you.”

“You what?”

“I couldn’t… without you, all of this… I couldn’t…”

“No way B, you did this. You found your power.”

And I really did get it then. It wasn’t about ending Spike, not like for me… it was about taking her power back. Regaining what he had tried to steal away. She was shaking her head even as my words were leaving my mouth, her hand which was holding the stake coming to rise up between us.

“No Faith. I mean it… I couldn’t have done this without you.”

She was holding the wood out to face me. Offering me her stake? I didn’t know. I took it though, felt the familiarity as it nestled firm in my own grasp. My fingers wrapping hungrily around it. And then I looked down and understood the meaning of the moment. Saw the engravings I had made with my own hand, my own knife. The gift I had offered her when I had nothing else to give.

“My stake?”

“Yes. Yours.”

“But… why? I thought you’d just toss it. Figured you had a thousand just like it.”

“Are you kidding me Faith? I think I knew that I was saving it for this… that it would come to this one day, and I knew that if I had you in my hands then I could do it.” Her eyes were shining for me again, a smile finding a way onto her face in this underground dungeon of death. “I may have found the power Faith, but you showed me the way, you gave me the strength.”

And what does a girl say to that?

This one didn’t say anything. I softly brought her round into my hold and rested my head gently against hers. Just breathed that same space of air as she did, just for a moment, a moment for us, for her. Pretended that our seconds weren’t always dictated by this duty that we were bound to fulfil. I knew I couldn’t let my mouth find hers, it wasn’t the time for that, instead letting my lips just graze across the hair upon her head. Letting my nose rub against hers in an act of innocence that would never boil over into all of the other feelings that I felt towards her.

“We had better get back. I need to see Wills, we have to get a plan…”

“Sure thing B.” I broke my hold on her body and instead let my hand find place with her hand. Gave all that I could with just one touch. Turning slowly to the door which no longer had an owner, one more crypt emptied of the undead.

“And what’s the deal with this ‘Warren’? Do you know a Warren..?”

“Yeah, we know Warren.”

I listened silently as she filled me in on the background of a boy who could never seriously hope to rule the world. He sounded like a geek, a perverted little prick of a geek… but just a geek all the same. Not someone that could rule the world. Not evil enough to be behind everything that was happening. I said as much to Buffy. Questioned the words which had come from the mouth of the dying vampire.

“I believe that it’s the truth. Whatever we know about Spike, how twisted he was… somewhere in that twisted mind Faith, somewhere he believed that he had feelings, that he…”

She couldn’t bring herself to say it, I didn’t want to hear it, and I wouldn’t make her say it.

“So that’s why with the softly, softly then? You knew he would talk?”

“Uh-huh, I guessed he would… I had to try, I didn’t want to touch him Faith, but I had to try.”

I nodded my understanding, wondered privately at how hard it must have been for her to touch him.

“So we have to find ourselves this Warren then, right?”

“Right…” She sounded a little hesitant, like her mind was going places I had yet to begin to reach.

“What is it B?”

“I don’t know, I’m just worried… if we don’t find him and Tara before Wills is back up and running… I’m sure we can take on Warren, but Willow?”

I looked at her like she was joking, remembered just a little the sight of the black eyes that Red had found for the beast the time before. It still didn‘t seem possible though. Not Willow. I couldn‘t believe that Red would ever truly side with evil, not even if she thought that it would save Tara. “You really think that that would happen? You think that Red would go against us..?”

“If she wakes up and Tara is still gone, then yeah… maybe?” Her hand had gripped a little firmer onto mine as her words found a tone close to grave. “If that happens Faith, then I’m not sure that either of us could stop her.”

It was a chilling thought. We knew that this person, wait… this Warren wanted Tara to control Willow. And now we knew that he had the Tara he needed. We had to stop him from getting the rest. I know that I sighed then. My mind so sick of finding the worry.

“You ever get sick of this gig B? This saving the world shit?”

“A long time ago. You?”

“Yeah. Totally.”

I knew that I would never stop though, knew that she would never stop either. As we rounded the corner into her street we started to talk nothing but plans. I would ring my own little gang in LA, would hurry them along, tell them how harsh the situation had now become. We couldn’t possibly wait any longer. We needed everything they had, and we needed it now. In truth we needed it yesterday. Buffy made plans to hunt down Warren. She wasn’t all ‘Red like’ with the computer, but she said that Dawn was bit of a ‘net-head’. Able to understand a lot of what Willow could do with the shiny orange lap top in the kitchen. It was a start. It was something to do whilst we hoped against hope that Willow’s injuries were just enough to keep her out of the game a little while longer. Long enough to let us rescue Tara and save the world before she could ever begin to think about destroying it.

As we had hit the steps to the porch I couldn’t help but let my mind wander back to just a few hours earlier. The question of whether I would stay here with Buffy. To be with Buffy. I knew that there wasn’t any other option now, circumstances forcing the issue for all of the wrong reasons. Not for the love, but that same old shit called duty.

I was just bringing myself to mention it. To banter a way back to maybe a joke. A comment about how I knew she would do anything to get me to stay over. But the joke died on my lips as the bushes to the side of us rustled with the sounds of an intruder. Had me spinning my head as fast as hers to witness the sight of our lost ‘boy wonder’, pulling himself up from the shrubbery. He looked like crap. Smelt like it too.

“Andrew?”

“Uh… Buffy…”

His eyes wouldn’t meet mine, had never really met mine. Always making me a little wary of his presence, his need to in listen at doors, and to sneak around houses. I never really trusted him. Still didn’t now.

“What are you doing here? Where have you been..? And why with my bushes?”

He looked like he was going to cry, his face crumbling as she asked her questions.

“I… I… it’s… it’s Tara.”

And I knew right then. I knew I was right to never trust him. His shifty little eyes spanning the ground as he dropped his gaze on her name. I didn’t give B the chance to ask more, didn’t give him the chance to move. My arm was around his throat and yanking him up off of the floor before he knew it. My boots pounding hard against the door to gain an entry.

“Faith… who on earth is that?”

Giles had opened the door, and I remembered that he hadn’t met this little asshole yet. But I didn’t have time for introductions then, I wanted every piece of information that the little goon knew, and I wasn’t averse to using pain to get it. I heard the door click behind me. Heard Buffy come take my side. I threw him down onto the sofa and set about looking scary. I had a whole lot of questions and not a lot of time to get answers. He was trembling and I was going to take advantage of that.

“Buffy..?!”

It broke the moment and made me turn towards Dawn, her excited voice crashing down the stairs much faster than her feet. She didn’t stop to register Andrew, the sight of our limbs all bloody from the two epic fights of the evening. All that she did was to rush to her sister with teenage hope and glee. Not understanding the grown up consequences. Maybe ignoring them in favour of a smile. And I knew that I just couldn’t blame her. That I would encourage her to find the smiles whilst she still could.

“What is it Dawn?”

“It’s Willow… she’s waking up!”

I felt my stomach drop. Watched as B held onto her sister, her face not finding the smile to match. Her eyes had slid up to meet mine, the dread I was feeling reflected straight back at me.

“That’s great Dawn, really…” She untangled her limbs and looked at the boy I had cornered on the sofa. “…Faith, you do what you have to do. I’ll be upstairs with Wills.”

I watched her turn and make her way. Waited until Dawn had left to go with her. Set the same look of scary back onto my face.

“Faith?”

“Giles... I wanna introduce you to Andrew, seems he’s got some things that he wants to share with us…”

He caught my look and decided not to interfere. Stood silently by as I approached the quivering form on the sofa. He had better be ready to speak, because I was more than ready to listen. And if I wasn’t listening, then I was going to be inflicting a whole lot of pain. Too much rested now upon his answers, and I knew that I wouldn’t be playing it coy.

“So where should we begin you snivelling little shit?”

“Wait… please, can I just get some water…”

His tearful gaze met mine and I resented my moment of softness. I couldn’t help it though. Maybe recognising something in his eyes.

“Giles, get him a glass of water.”

“Right.”

He looked almost pleased to be leaving the room, maybe the scary look on my face scaring him too. I softened my tone, relaxed my eyes.

“Get me one too yeah? I’m thirsty as fuck.”

I winked to accompany the words which I had never learnt to soften, pleased to see him smiling in response.

“Of course Faith.”

It wasn’t a bad option, I was a little parched, a little bit fucking exhausted. Refreshment was good. A little drink to ease the feeling. I would’ve preferred something with a kick in it, but this would do for now.

I stared across at Andrew as I sat down opposite him in the armchair. I had so many things that I wanted answers to, so many questions that he would have to face. I knew that every second counted. For Tara. For Willow. Probably for the world. I watched as he sat and nervously fingered the waistband to his pants, perhaps a nervous twitch that indicated his fear. I hoped that it would work in my favour, would have him spilling the facts on all that we needed to know.

I took slow measured breaths as Giles’ calm form returned to the room, placing the glasses down between us on the table. I was ready to begin. I only hoped that he was ready to cooperate. For all of our sakes.

CHAPTER 26.

POV Buffy.

I hadn’t wanted to climb the stairs, so afraid of being the one that would have to tell Willow everything that had happened, all of the things that had gone wrong. It was difficult not to feel immersed in the guilt, to feel the responsibility for ever letting the two of them go with Spike. It just seemed… I don’t know, in that moment it had seemed like the only thing to do. To get them away from the beast, never realizing that Spike was an even bigger beast. The threat that he posed. That we were being fooled right from the start.

The responsibility is mine to bear for so much more than that as well, I totally understand that. I accept that. If it wasn’t for me… if it wasn’t for the things that I have done, then I am certain that this wouldn’t have happened. If I had never let Spike touch me, then maybe this wouldn’t have played out quite like this. But I guess we’ll never know for sure, I still haven‘t swapped my slayer sight for hindsight, and Spike is gone now. I don’t know how to feel about that. A lot of me wants to feel the jubilation, the absolute relief that comes with knowing that I had finally been strong enough to finish that which I had never meant to start. To wipe his touches from my body by turning him to nothing more than dust. But how could I even think of jubilation and relief when there was still so much left at stake? I couldn’t. So I adopted sombre as I had climbed the stairs, letting Dawn pull excitedly at my hand as she led me the way to our waking witch. Me not willing to scare my baby sister with the severity of all of the things which could still come to pass. Not answering questions about Tara, just concentrating on Willow.

Xander and Anya had been at her side by the bed, their hands soothing strokes across her head as she came back to us, her eyes dazed and confused as she looked slowly around the room. I avoided her gaze, I wouldn’t meet her eyes for that first moment, because I wasn’t yet ready to speak about everything that we knew. So I caught the other’s eyes instead. Saw their questions, heard their words.

“Buff?”

“Not now Xander, okay?”

“Did you… is she?”

“I said not now.” I tried to keep my voice full of the strength which so often puts me in charge of the situation, and sought to dismiss them from the room. I wanted to do this alone, I believed, or maybe I hoped, that if it was just me and her, then I would have a better chance at controlling her reactions. I should have known that nothing would make a difference, that eventually nothing would stop her from reacting in the worst possible way. In the expected way.

“Buffy..?”

“Hey Wills, it’s me.”

I had sought a place next to her on the bed, my eyes drawn to the bandage which marked her fragile neck, covering the place where Spike had taken her blood, solid proof of what I had let happen. I wanted so much to make it better, to rewind the time and to find a new strategy. To do anything other than offering my best friends up to an un-neutered vampire. It was too late for that though, the bandage was already there, and there was where it would stay.

“How are you doing?”

“I… I don’t…” She was looking about confused, her hand finally darting up to the wound at her neck, her eyes spreading their widest as she grasped onto the reality that we could never escape. “…Tara… where’s Tara?”

“Will…”

“Where’s Tara?”

I could see the emotions fighting for dominance on her face as she relived whatever had happened with Spike. As she realised that Tara wasn’t here. That Tara was gone. There was the horror, and the pain, the anger… and finally something like control. Something which allowed her to tell me what had happened when I had asked. Explaining how she hadn’t known it was coming, how they had had no time to react. One minute they were walking and the next minute she was falling to the ground, the sounds of the blood rushing from her veins the last thing that she had heard. I had reached out for her hand and tried to squeeze it better. Had tried to compose my voice to answer her questions as she asked what was going to happen, as she spoke about how we had to go to Spike, we had to get Tara back. We had to stop him from hurting her. I knew that my downcast eyes were betraying the answers already, but I just couldn’t meet her gaze, I couldn’t bring myself to see how telling her the truth would destroy her. Could destroy all of us.

“We went to Spike’s…”

“So where is she..?”

“We’re going to get her back, we just need to plan…”

“Where is she Buffy?”

I knew that she wouldn’t stop asking, but what was there to tell her? ‘Oh Warren has your girlfriend, and he’s waiting for you to go and open the big evil leech infested portal before he gives her back?’ To me it had sounded like the wrong words, so I had searched instead for different ones, for any ones except for those.

“She’s okay Willow, just relax… me and Faith are going to get her back.”

She had risen from the bed as I had continued to deflect any straight answers. Eventually not asking anything, just walking around me and getting herself dressed. I had tried to appeal to her that she needed to rest, that she wasn’t in any state to be up from bed, let alone taking part in a forthcoming rescue. But her eyes had just looked at me dead, the colour not draining from them, not yet, but the shine which had always been so apparent was so obviously now dulled. Her voice nothing but an empty monotone as she finally took the time to stare me down.

“No Buffy, I don’t need rest, I need Tara.”

And I understood that. It was why I was so worried.

I followed her from the room to the stairs, passed the waiting others on the way and didn’t speak a word. I didn’t have the words, all that I had was the desire to be ready, the desire to be able to stop whatever it was that was going to happen, because I knew that something would be happening soon. The air was so thick was it, my senses driving me crazy, the impending doom wrapping each of my limbs in a world weary heaviness. I could only offer silent prayers with each of our steps that Faith had gotten somewhere with Andrew, that she had a real plan, that she had real answers. I was still barely believing that he had been a cause of any of the bad stuff. He was just a boy, a geeky, pathetic, gibbering wreck of a boy. It didn’t make sense. Nothing had made sense.

We could hear them talking as we approached the front room, my hand again going out to Willow to stop her from hearing, from knowing. To try and protect her from the sight of the betrayal. It didn’t work though, of course it didn’t, she shrugged me off as if I wasn’t there and primed her ears, like mine, to hear the truth. Hearing Faith’s words the loudest as they cut into the snivels and whimpers that were coming from the boy.

“You better fucking know! Will he hurt her, will he hurt Tara?”

“I… I don’t know… he just, he just wants Willow…”

I witnessed the confusion as it crossed her empty eyes, the way that she had glanced back to me and mouthed his name. Not believing it herself, having to walk the final steps to see.

“Andrew.”

He had spun from his spot on the sofa, cowering into the cushions to keep away from the menacing form of Faith, not having any idea that Faith was now the least of his worries.

“Red, I’ve got this, it’s okay.”

But the words fell flat, no one caring for them, all of us focusing instead as Willow had strode the distance to the boy in the chair. She was no longer weak from blood loss, but strong with rage. With pain.

“You? What the hell? What have you done..?”

“I…uh, I…”

“What have you done?” Her tone sinking to become more of a growl, each word spat at him with vicious succinctness.

“I didn’t… I didn’t mean to, I didn’t know…”

Her hand cracked down across his crumbling face with a force that even I would have been proud of. Flaming red against his cheek as he attempted to pull away from her. It all made him cower more, made him cower in the right direction.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to do it… I’m sorry…”

Over and over, but meaning nothing to any of us. Not then. He would have to hope that Tara was okay through this, it was the only way that he would get any form of respite. Maybe the only way that he would survive. When Giles had spoken it had made Willow draw back from him, had made her blend herself into the walls and not make a sound. All of us gathering to hear the words of Andrew. The things which Warren had done, the power which he had been cultivating. It was such scary stuff, such crazy stuff. As if we didn’t have enough trouble keeping evil in check without humans feeling the need to give it a helping hand. Hearing the details of how he had enlisted Spike… and all of it courtesy of the boy in front of us. So sorry now. So pointless now. When he had reached into the waistband of his pants and pulled out the vial of poison, Faith had almost launched herself at him again. Had cursed him with her voice all the way to hell and back, held his mouth open and threatened to make him ingest it himself. We were all so angry. At him and at our selves. We had let him in, it felt like we had let this happen.

As his words had finally ended with silence, it was like a false calm settled over the room, no one speaking for fear of what would happen, looking to the pensive witch and wondering what would be next. Xander was the one who had gone to her, holding her as close as he could, not feeling how ramrod straight and tense she had stayed. Not taking comfort, not taking anything. Just staring back at Andrew, her eyes boring into him with silent intensity. If I was him I would have been terrified, I was me and I was terrified.

There was no rest for our nerves, me and Faith looking to each other and understanding the wordless signals, understanding that we had to stay primed, had to stay ready for action. We had descended slowly to the kitchen for refreshments, taking a moment to replenish our tired bodies just a little before we went back on the hunt. We were two for two for the evening, beating both the beast and Spike, but that didn’t mean that the signs of too much fighting wasn’t showing on our bodies, in the exhausted set of our shoulders. The situation was making the tenseness show between us as well, both of us in the mode to fight, not to explore the love which was growing steadily between us. Not to find comfort when we couldn’t offer anything to Willow. I had passed the food and drinks from the fridge without looking, the only words finding their way from our mouths being words which spoke of our duty, of our mission.

“So what do we do?”

“I don’t know Faith, you call LA again? Anything that Angel can tell us… anything, god knows we need it.”

“I don’t think he has anything else… all that he said was ‘don’t let the portal open’. Kinda obvious stuff really.” I heard the sigh that she let out as her hands slipped through her hair, saw the futility in her gaze. “We’re fucked B, we have to go in there blind, all on the say so of Andrew. We have nothing to work with, no plan, no secret weapons...”

“If we can keep Wills away then we have a chance, Warren is still just a guy…”

“Wrong answer. Andrew reckons he’s packing serious strength, something about bonding with the creepy monster leech. Angel said that it’s possible, that the monk had done the same…”

“Great. We’re still slayers though, it’s nothing we can’t handle.”

“And there’s another one, Johnathan, or something?”

“Johnathan!?”

I had almost chocked in shock, surely not little Johnathan?

“Yeah, he does the mumbo jumbo magic stuff, seems that’s why shit keeps on disappearing. No new super power for me, just fucked up illusions.”

I was still trying to process Johnathan. It was too strange. I thought that he had learnt his lesson, had realised that he wasn’t super evil material.

“So we have a super strong Warren, and a magic making Johnathan… I’m still pretty confident.”

“And they have the demon chick.”

“Huh?”

“From your birthday gig, Halfreak or something?”

It was all too much. Trying to grab onto those tiny crumbs of knowledge and make sense from them all. Two boys from school and a wish demon. It still seemed doable, still seemed like something that me and Faith could handle. And I still believed then that we would save Tara. Even as we heard the shouts from the front room I believed that we could do it. As the walls shook with the force of something that could only ever be supernatural, could only ever be the strongest outpouring of grief and of rage. It was the sound of Willow coming into her own, accepting the belief in what she thought she had to do, the lengths that she would go to, to save the girl that she loved. The fact that I had expected it, did nothing to quell the shock and the fear. I had told Faith that we couldn’t handle Willow, and at that moment I thought it again.

We had both rushed forth without thinking to see what was happening, what was making the house shake with evil intent. Both of us rendered paralysed by the look of undiluted pain in Willow’s eyes as she held Andrew aloft in her small yet ferocious grasp.

“Will, this isn’t the way.”

I had spoken it knowing that it would make no difference, knowing that my words to her would mean nothing, that anything any of us could say would mean nothing.

“Stay out of it Buffy, this isn’t your fight, this is mine…”

She held out the hand that wasn’t holding onto Andrew and thrust her energy at all of us, at all of her friends. Shimmering light letting us know that we couldn’t approach her, that there was nothing we could do to reach either her or her captive.

“Red, let it go… we can do this together, all of us…”

“NO!”

“Messing with forces you can’t control will not help Tara, you need…”

“Do not tell me what I need! You don’t know what I need!”

It had sounded like hate flew from her mouth along with her words, such rage directing at me and at Faith, directing at Giles. Aimed at all of us. I felt the rip in my heart as she turned her back, as the front door flew from its hinges without a touch and allowed her to leave the house. All of us knowing where she was going, none of us daring to predict the outcome. It was too severe.

“Buffy..?”

“It’s okay Dawn, it’s okay.”

My placating tone did nothing to combat the panic, nothing to stop the dread which had coated her young eyes. I turned again to Faith then, I knew that this rested upon me and upon her, that it would be us together that would either stop this or we would fail. Saving the world. The same old routine. I had tried to feed from the strength in her eyes as she solidly held my gaze, tried my damn hardest to offer her some of the same in return. We only had each other to rely on now, no one else could make a difference.

“You ready to roll?”

“Ready.”

“Wait… both of you, you can’t just go in there without a plan, we need to discuss this, we need to decide exactly what it is we could be facing…”

“No Giles, there is no ‘we’… this is me and Faith, you’re staying here…”

“Hold up Buff, I know you love the hero moments but this is Willow we’re talking about … this is all of our fight.”

There was such honesty in Xander’s eyes, the way that he wanted to stand strong in the way that he always found to stand strong for us. Anya ready at his side to accept whatever he thought was the best thing to do. We couldn’t allow it though… as slayers we HAD to do this… whatever it would entail, and there was no way that I would put it onto my friends. The options were too unclear, the chance that we may have to take out Willow, the chance that the whole world was about to come crashing down around us. I wanted them away from that, could feel the energy from Faith that spoke the same.

“You can’t come Xander, any of you. Not this time, I won’t have you there. I can’t do this if you’re there.”

“Do you really think that it’s wise to go alone?”

“I know it is Giles. It’s the only way it’s happening.”

“What do you want us to do?”

How the hell did I know? I looked yet again to Faith, appealed for something, for anything, that she could take some of the burden and offer words of wisdom, maybe a sense of direction where I was finding none.

“Get back on the phone to Angel, tell him it’s too late, ask him how the fuck we close a portal without…”

“Without?”

I understood the pause before the rest of them. Of course I did. Only seconds before Dawn though, just seconds until she caught everyone up to the harsh reality of our thinking.

“Without killing Willow..? That’s right isn’t it Buffy? You’re gonna have to hurt Willow.”

“I don’t…”

“Buff?”

“Xander…” I turned my body fully towards him, he had to realise that I would never do that without every other option being explored… that I could never do it without breaking my own heart. I loved her too. “…I won’t… I’ll save her okay? We’ll save her.”

He stepped forwards and wrapped his arms around me in a hug that I wished I could hold onto, always such normality within his hold. Just a boy, just a man. Forgetting his anger of earlier, no longer recriminating me, but assuring me.

“I’ll speak to Angel, you girls go do your thing, and we’ll do all that we can… we’ll be there… just, just please..?”

“We won’t hurt her.”

Faith’s words had cut into the moment, the urgency not leaving her stance, practically straining to be gone through the open doorway. She didn’t add the unspoken ‘unless…’ she didn’t need to. It hung as heavy in the air as any sorrow we had ever felt. This was Willow. She was ours, and we would go in there with the intent of saving them both, of bringing them both home. Silently leaving the house then with all of their eyes resting upon us, so much burden. So much to bear.

The growing light outside had spoken to us of an approaching dawn, the promise of a new day, the sun inching slowly up over a distant horizon. It meant nothing to us, the only thing that we could feel was the insistent buzzing through our bodies, the call to take a direction that we hadn’t walked before, trusting implicitly in the power which we held to take us to where we needed to go. Until finally we ended up in a road that looked no different to any other, a cul-de-sac, a family street.

“This is it B.”

“No kidding.”

“Well the apocalyptic wind chill is bit of a give away, the electric storm over that house down there…”

I didn’t need to follow her finger, my eyes had already rested upon the abnormality, had already accepted the truth in her words. The wind was whipping up into a frenzy as we spoke, the heavens opening in a way which could never be predicted on the local weather station. Howling through us, the clouds darkening faster than the dawn could ever beat them back.

“So what do we do? Do we just go in there?”

“Well we could try knocking on the front door…”

The scream which pierced our ears stole any last banter we were finding to soften the harshness, and we knew that this was it. That we couldn’t put it off no matter how much we didn’t want to face it. The end of the world was beckoning and it was our job to answer the call.

We approached the hatch to a basement and accepted the glow from within as an invitation to enter. Slowly and surely, eyes adjusting to the light as quick as they could, taking in the players, the foes and the friends. Tara bound to the wall at the back, next to the demon from my party. Willow stood tall with her hands still latching onto Andrew. And then the boys. Warren and Johnathan at the centre of the room as if they were the conductors to all that was happening around them. Warren’s voice not sounding like anything human, the look in his eyes definitely not human.

“Do you accept it witch, do you understand what you must do!?”

“Give me Tara or I’ll end you all.”

Johnathan was chanting some ridiculous words, his shaking hands trying desperately hard to hold onto the charms in front of him. Warren’s eyes crackling with an energy that shone in the strangest way… sliding blackness across them, like Willow’s before. A film that coated his vision with such obvious evil. Our arrival was barely noted, barely seemed to make a difference to anything that was playing out before us. I stepped up, I knew without a doubt that it was my place to.

“Warren, back down… if you stop now, we can end this…”

“Back down?” He turned at last to face me as his laughter assaulted my ears. I silently wished that it hadn’t, it was a sound which chilled me, which had me wanting to do nothing more than to cling onto the hand at my side, to find the feel of Faith and to lose all of this insanity within her presence. “I have no need to back down slayer, this is all that I have waited for… all that I have planned for…”

“Quiet! All of you quiet!”

“Red, don’t do this.”

I felt the emptiness in Faith’s plea, knowing without a doubt that the pleas wouldn’t work, maybe it was the darkness that was enveloping Willow’s own eyes, the way that the world seemed to hush as she turned her attention to the forms bound to the wall that let me know it. She threw Andrew from her then, tossed him to the ground to free up both of her arms, slowly turning to face down Johnathan. His body seeming to shake even more as he found himself beneath her glare.

“Let them go… let both of them go… now.”

“I… I can’t…”

“Do it!”

Energy crackled from her fingertips and smashed straight into him as her words filled the room, sending him to the floor the same way she had sent Andrew. I heard him shriek, heard the pain that her blow had inflicted. Heard again as Warren laughed, his manic chuckles rising up even stronger than before.

“You think it matters about him, you think I care about him?”

“I said let them go.”

“And I told you only when the portal is opened.”

She thrust her energy at Johnathan again, raised him up into the air and slammed his body down upon the ground with a sickening thud, his pitiful cry doing nothing to soften the darkness of her gaze. I wanted to step forwards, I wanted to prevent her from crossing the boundaries that I wouldn’t know how to bring her back from. There wasn’t time though, already Warren was taking care of it for me. Picking the boy back up with strength that he shouldn’t possess, caressing him softly and then with a sickening smile twisting his hands, and twisting Johnathan’s neck.

“You can’t hurt me witch, no one can hurt me… now share your power or I will kill them all.” He threw the lifeless body away from him and started to stalk towards the wall where Tara was bound, that smile still twisting his lips, and me still standing there useless, not sure what my purpose would be. If either me or Faith would even have a purpose here. We stayed deathly still as Willow’s head had swung back towards the prisoner again, the blackness seeming to clear for just a moment as her voice cracked over her words.

“Baby..? Tara..?”

But she couldn’t answer, her mouth bound by cloth, her own words imprisoned in the same way that she was.

“It’s the only way witch, you give me what I want and I’ll release her, and if you don’t?” His arm outstretched then and pointed at the tied form of our friend, thrusting forth some energy of his own. Wrapping up and around her, making her body tense as the pain overtook her. “If you don’t then she will die.”

“Wills no, please..?”

Another pointless plea, more words which wouldn’t be heard.

Her eyes had swung once more to the woman she loved, and then the last of the girl that we knew had disappeared from her face, clearing the way for the evil that wanted so badly to sit there. Her feet moving her forwards and her hands reaching up to connect with Warren’s. An ear splitting moment filled with sonic booms, when I would’ve believed that everything was truly lost. Too much noise, and too much power. It had shimmered in front of us slowly, starting out as nothing more than a pinprick of glowing light, gradually growing to encompass the whole space of the far wall. And I knew what it was, the only thing that it could be. The portal that we couldn’t let open. Warren with the words and Willow with the power.

I don’t know what was supposed to happen when this thing opened, what the chain of events was supposed to be, but I know I never expected the oozing tendrils of slime which crept outwards from the wall and gradually across the floor towards us all.

“Holy fuck B… are you ready to fight this?”

But my eyes were getting lost in the hole, trying to put solid form to the shadow I could see in the background, a mass of blackness from where the creeping sinews sprang. Warren’s chants were growing louder as his whole body was gradually encompassed in the glow of Willow’s power, her body straining with overwrought tension as she fought to keep a hold, to keep her view pointed at the portal, her end of the bargain.

I had known that I had to break my gaze, had to use my own power to try and stop the strength of the other on display. We had to stop this thing, we had to stop Warren, and more than any of that, we had to stop Willow. I cracked my gaze to Faith, slid every business note into my voice to cover the fear, issued my orders at her as if she should follow them.

“Try and break their connection, I’ll get Tara…”

And she was already moving, my eyes leaving hers to go do my own bidding, spinning to face the bound women and dashing my way towards them. I took in their forms, Tara’s eyes as they shone with desolation, the demon’s eyes as they shone with fury. It was easy to get to them now that Johnathan was gone, the magic of his binds being broken, to leave nothing but normal rope. I ripped at the gag that tied tight across her mouth, and gave her back the power of speech, prayed in my heart that it wasn’t too late, that this wasn’t the end.

“Tara? Are you okay… are you hurt?”

“I’m okay, please… help her.”

She was gesturing with her head to Halfrek, and I didn’t have the time to question or to argue, I just turned and released her too, gave her a chance at getting away. But she didn’t turn and flee, not straight away. She looked me dead in the eye with confusion instead, brought her hands up to shield the near nakedness of her body.

“You freed me?”

“Yeah… crazy I know, now if I was you I’d get out of here…”

I didn’t give her a second glance, assumed that she would be gone before I had even finished speaking, turning my attention instead back to Faith, to the struggle that she faced in trying to break the union between our friend and our biggest foe. All the time the creeping slime drenched tendrils winding across the floor to try and engulf us all. To take the first bite from the soul of humanity. Faith couldn’t get near them, the pulsating force of their conjoined power keeping her from ever being able to get close enough to help. It was as if we could do nothing, like it truly was time for the world to end. Willow was committed now, not able to hear my final appeal, frozen in the bond she had created with Warren. When words had come they were not mine.

“Willow stop!”

A power in a voice that we hadn’t considered. Sweet and docile tones being replaced with a strength that I had never heard there before, would never have expected to hear there with such force. Slowly turning to witness Tara as she stood strong and proud, commanding the room as if it was her job to do so. It shocked Willow into breaking her hold on Warren, in reality the force in her voice had shocked us all.

“Tara..?”

It was almost as if the lightness that had surrounded her was enough to break the darkness which had imprisoned her girlfriend’s eyes. Making them clear now, making them shine with horror as she looked and realised what she had done. Her feet trying to drag her back from the close proximity she shared with Warren.

“You’re too late bitch, it’s too late…”

I didn’t know what to do, where to go. Looked to my sister slayer as she pulled Andrew up from his place and the floor and freed him from the slime that was looking to feast upon him. I could see it touching her too, spreading further outwards as the power that had been flowing from our Witch and the crazy Warren was stemmed. The sounds which had emanated then from the portal had been so drenched in what sounded like rage and anger, only matched by the screams which were starting to wrack Warren’s body. Inhuman screeches, his skin bubbling as the thing had then looked to lock its hold onto him. Making him slip closer and closer to the portal. Not even trying to hold back at first, just shocked by the fact that his plan may not work. He still needed Willow, without her power he would be useless.

“B, we’ve gotta get everyone back… you remember what Angel said?”

I tore my eyes from him and gave them to her. “Don’t let the portal open?”

“Got it in one. That thing ain’t going down without a fight, without its breakfast…”

I had remembered back to the story about the monk, how he had opened the portal, but when he hadn’t the power to bring anything out, it had closed and taken him with it. I looked around now as more tendrils shot forth, felt as my own legs were encased with the first of their touches. I managed to pull myself back easy enough though, I have the strength of the slayer, but I knew that the others would not be so easy. Willow was standing frozen as if she didn’t know what the hell she had done, what was happening. Tara was edging towards her but trying to keep away from the ever closer shoots of darkness. I wanted to warn her, had opened my mouth to do so.

“Tara no! Get out, we’ll get Will, just get the hell out!”

The scream behind me shocked my head into turning again, so much to try and keep a hold on, so many people to worry about. It was the demon again, not having fled when I expected her to, and now being sucked up by the thing which wanted us all. It seemed as if she was stuck fast to her place, being forced to watch the events unfold, the portal unfold. Her hand had lifted slowly, her eyes connecting with me in pain, pointing something out to me, making me turn with a dread in my heart, sweatiness suddenly making my hands seem soaked.

“Faith!”

Warren had grabbed his hands onto her, his inhuman strength pulling her backwards with him, his mouth letting loose words which I had no clue towards, dragging her nearer and nearer and her not being able to do a thing to stop it. At the same time Willow was being touched by tendrils of her own, slowly creeping up her legs and bringing back the blackness in her eyes, as if it wanted the evil, the thing which it could feed upon. I appealed to her to fight it, to do something to stop it, but she just shook her head. She looked exhausted, like she had no fight left. All of her power spent now that her connection with Warren was broken.

I had thought in that moment that I would have to choose. Had thought that I would have to save one or the other. As it was, maybe I should have known, maybe the way that Willow would have done anything to save Tara, should have told me that in return she would do anything to save Willow. I never expected it though. Even after witnessing the unknown strength in her voice, the way that she had held herself firm and broken the connection which none of us could break, I still didn’t expect what happened next. Wasn’t prepared as she had charged past me, towards the portal, not away from it. As she had attacked Warren with only her hands as a weapon, as he had let go of Faith, to bring his still inhuman eyes to her.

“No! You’re nothing, let go of me… you’re nothing!”

“Tara! NO!”

They were Faith’s words, they became Willow’s words. They became all of our dashes towards her as she seemed to fall through the hole alongside him. Nothing pulling her in except the force with which she had tackled him, the screeching which had emanated from his body becoming more and more as they disappeared from our view.

All of us frozen.

“Baby..?”

No longer a sound.

“Tara..?”

The light growing softer and softer until nothing remained except for the wall itself. No portal. No nothing. No Warren and no Tara.

“Oh my god…” I had been first to run my hands over the spot, first to feel the heat and nothing else. “…Faith? What the hell?”

But of course she had no answer. Not expecting a moment of such bravery and self sacrifice. Not expecting that it would be Tara who gave herself to save the world. It had felt as if my stomach dropped down to the floor, as if I needed to be sick, to expel the feeling. Not having tears in that moment, not having anything except a stared disbelief at a wall. At nothing.

“Tara… oh goddess no, Tara…?”

Willow was on her knees, her eyes as red as they had been black, tears and grief streaming down across her face. She had tried to bring strength back to her tone, had started to chant words which meant nothing to me, screaming words, pounding on the wall with her fists until the skin had broken, until her body had collapsed from the force of her futile efforts.

“Wills..?”

I slipped down beside her and tried to put my arms around her, sense dictating that we should get up and leave, not processing a want to stay and to try and find her. What was left to find?

“Buffy no… Tara… I can’t, oh goddess, I can’t…”

Over and over, finally making the tears spring into my eyes as the realisation of what we had lost hit me hard in the heart. Trying to contain my best friend's grief as mine found a place on my face. My arms rocking her as her hands still fought to scratch at the wall in front of us. To bring her back.

“B, come on… we have to get her home.”

Faith had sunk down next to us, her own eyes shining with loss and with pain. I looked at her and wanted so bad to find peace and to find solace, to find anything other than the feeling in my chest, but there was nothing. It was as if we were all empty now. Broken now.

“Help me get her up?”

“Sure thing, the others are outside…”

“Others?”

“Andrew, the demon… they’re waiting for us.”

I had forgotten about them, didn’t even know how long we had been sat there rocking. How long since it seemed that the world had ended. Or our world at least.

We had picked her up between us and made our way up into a day that burst forth sunshine, a day which had no clouds to cover the brightness. Letting it mock us as we trudged our way past crowds of smiling people to arrive back at our home. To our expecting friends, to the looks upon their faces as they had counted who was there and who wasn’t. Had seen clearly who it was that we hadn’t saved.

I carried Willow myself up the stairs to my room. I couldn’t bear to place on her the bed which she had shared with Tara, which would always now be missing her presence. A room which missed my mother, and now a room that would also miss her. As I laid her down and watched her empty eyes closed, I just cried. I had nothing else. It all hurt so damn much. Just holding onto her cold hands as she dropped down into an exhausted restless sleep. Trying to soothe a brow which was soaked in feverish sweat. Trying to hold my body firm instead of giving into the sobs which so badly wanted to wrack me.

I couldn’t think yet, couldn’t process a feeling other than the physical one. The one which felt as if it was killing me. I know that I had almost longed for death again myself, because this pain was just so much.

“Buffy..?”

Her voice sounded like a lifeline. Again. Breaking firmly through my torment to turn my head away from Willow.

“Hey.”

“How’s she doing?”

“I don’t know Faith. I don’t know how she’s gonna do this… god, I don’t know how any of us are going to do this.”

She walked softly into the room, coming to stand at my side and looked upon the girl who’s brow I still stroked. The girl who was starting to moan in her sleep with the pain of expelling yet more darkness from her over loaded system.

“Why don’t you come down B? Xander wants to come sit with her, you need to take a break… you’re exhausted…”

“I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not.” Her fingers had slid slowly to my face to wipe at tears I had no chance of stopping. To tuck a fallen strand of hair behind my ear. “Come on, just take a break yeah? Just a minute…”

I let her bring me up, a soft moan escaping my lips as I had let my touch go from Willow.

“Why Tara, Faith..? God… why did she do it?”

But I knew why. She did it for love. She did it to save Willow. To save all of us.

We descended the stairs slowly, holding onto each other in a useless grab at finding something like strength. I met the eyes of all of our friends, and saw that they had been told everything. That they knew what had happened in the basement. All of them glistening tears at me, not able to find any words to say to make anything better.

“How is she?”

“She’s sleeping Xander, will you sit with her?”

“Of course I will.”

He went from the room with Anya at his side, pausing only to take the time to wrap his arms around me again. Not able to absolve any of the guilt which was beginning to creep back into my mind. The beginnings of fault which wanted so badly to wrap me up in its hold. My memory flashing to all of the things which I could have done different, to everything which highlighted my failure. It brought me to the now. To being sat upon the sofa with Dawn at my side. Watching as Faith and Giles embroiled themselves in conversation across the room, their eyes flicking to me often, but not including me in what was being said.

And I can’t care.

All that I could do now was to hold onto Dawn and let her tears take precedence over mine. She is innocent in all of this. Just like Tara was.

I didn’t move as Faith came to stand in front of me, could barely meet her eyes as she spoke my name, as she scooted Dawn along the sofa to find her place next to me.

“You need to get some rest B, why don’t you go lay down and I’ll keep an eye on Dawn, I’ll look after her…”

“I said I’m okay.”

“And I said you’re not.”

Her own fatigue was there for me to see, and I refused to let her push it all aside for my sake. “I’m fine, really… why don’t you go home Faith? You need to rest too.”

“You want me to go?”

No. But do I deserve you to stay?

I didn’t speak my words. I didn’t speak anything. I just looked at her and I crumbled and I cried. I lost myself as her arms wrapped solidly around me and I just cried. It felt so pathetic, but I have nothing else.

We were supposed to save the world, and then we were going to save ourselves. It had been such a good plan. And now I have to wonder if there is anything left to save. I failed, we may have saved the world, but I didn’t save Tara. And now I just don’t know if I have the energy anymore to save myself. If I even care anymore if I can save myself.

She held onto me tightly as I shook with the force of it all, as if she could feel my desolation and wanted to protect me from it. Wanted to hold me back from it. Her words whispering into my ears, over and over. A mantra made just for me.

“It’ll be okay Buffy, it’ll all be okay.”

But how could it be okay? How could any of this ever be okay again?

CHAPTER 27.

POV Faith.

Too many fucking days, too many fucking hours. Too much crap that makes me say ‘fucking’ for all of the wrong reasons. If I had ever believed in my life that everything had gone to shit, well now I know it for sure. This should never have happened, this should never have been allowed to happen. Not Tara, not the girl amongst us all that was just so good, the one that radiated enough fucking light to keep all of our darkness at bay. No. Me and Buffy are the slayers… we are the ones charged with the duty of keeping this world safe, not her. This truly should never have happened.

I’m not stupid, I’m not ignorant, I know why she did it… it’s fucking obvious why she did it… but could we have done more? Standing in that dumb basement like two frozen statues, letting evil dictate the pace, whilst we sat back and did nothing. When B had told me to separate them, I had thought I would be strong enough, had thought that I was slayer enough to accomplish the task, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even get near them, not a chance. The energy they were producing stronger than anything I could even ever hope of producing. So I had done nothing. Just a frozen statue.

And after that, when the slinky slime had waded its way across the floor, when Warren had held me in his grasp and pulled me backwards… should I have let him? Should I have taken the tumble that Buffy took last year and gained my absolution in a minute of final sacrifice?

Fuck me, I just don’t know.

Then I had thought ‘no’. Had tried to fight him off of me, had utilised my pointless strength in an effort to rip him from me. But all that I had done was lay the way clear for Tara to do the job that I was sent here to do. I had always wanted to know my purpose for life, had spent hours agonising over whether I was good enough, whether I was strong enough… and I guess now I know. I wasn’t good enough and I damn sure wasn’t strong enough. I let her take the place that should have been mine. I let her sacrifice herself, because I wasn’t brave enough to let it all go.

We heard the screams as the portal closed, heard the torment that lay beyond the wall we couldn’t break through, and now in my dreams, the screams are all hers. Doesn’t matter if the screams were already there, if hell already existed beyond our reach… in my head now, it’s her hell. It’s a place that we let her go to.

These thoughts aren’t only mine, the grief isn’t only mine, it’s there for all of us. It’s in the empty eyes that reside in Revello drive, it’s in the faces that look like they may never smile again. It’s in the screams and the tears that have become the only sounds from Willow… and maybe more personal to me… it’s in the way that Buffy can’t even look me in the eyes no more.

Fucking great right?

We had a plan, a damn fine kick ass plan, we were going to save the world and then we were going to save ourselves. Fuck it, we had already started saving ourselves. We were falling in love, for the first time in my life I was believing that everything would be okay. Not just me, not just selfish okay, but okay for everyone. Me and B, and Dawn, we were going to be a family. Those guys were going to be my friends… and now it’s all just gone. Not glass half empty, the glass is on the floor in fucking shards and all of us are dancing right through them. It hurts. It hurts so god damn much.

I get Buffy’s guilt, of course I get the guilt, I’ve been living with guilt for a long couple of years now, so yes, I know it. But it’s so wrong. It can’t be all her fault, because if it’s all her fault, then how come the rest of us are feeling so damn guilty too? And it’s not even like we feel it the worst… imagine being Red right now? Imagine knowing that your actions had directly caused the opening of the fucking portal in the first place. Forget Spike and Warren, cos I know that they don’t matter to her… she opened it, and Tara went through it. End of story. I tried to placate her just like the others, I tried to hold her in my arms that felt like jelly now, no strength left, and I felt the way that she is feeling. I heard the screaming first hand, I helped Buffy restrain her that first night, all for her own good. Holding her hair back as she vomited and vomited again, as she tried to free herself long enough to take herself to the place that Tara was, that Tara is. She wants to go to hell too, and it took everything we had to hold her back.

I watched as the eyes that shine green, clouded with more of that sick looking black stuff, I felt the verbal blows that she threw our way. The hurt and the hate that she was redirecting in any kind of effort to stop the pain from being so utterly soul destroying. Words which haunt me. Which hurt me. Pointing out our failure as if we needed it pointing out. Berating us for what we couldn’t do. Hating us for what we couldn’t do. She saved the worst for B, calling her out as the whore and the liar, diatribes about fucking Spike, about letting the sick son of a bitch touch her… pointing blame. Hiding from her own.

It lessened as the sickness abated. As her body shook and she found tears again, as she begged us for a forgiveness that wasn’t there to give. We can’t absolve her, it’s too fucking hard trying to absolve ourselves. Everything is oh so fucking hard. I even had the nerve to attack Angel, to scream at Cordy down the phone in a futile effort at making myself hurt just one iota less. It didn’t work. It’s not their fault. They were working the info hard at their end, all we had to do was to stop the portal from opening… the fucking obvious thing, and we damn well couldn’t do it.

It’s all so crap. It’s all so hard. And all I want to do is to make it better.

I look around this room now, and all I see are walls. It doesn’t feel like a home, it doesn’t feel like love… it just feels like bricks and mortar. Nothing personal. Nothing at all. It’s claustrophobic, as if the silence is mocking, as if the foundations which keep the bricks standing are there only to taunt us. The same old house when nothing is the same. It drives me fucking crazy, yet I try and stand it for her. For Dawn. For any fucker that needs me. I spoke to Giles not long after we got back the other day, and I damn well told him that if he even thinks about trying to leave them again, I will fucking crush his skull and perform my own lobotomy ‘slayer style’. He gets it, it’s not about wanting to hurt him… it’s about helping the others. About being here for Buffy like he’s fucking supposed to be here, about providing a father for two girls, that have no one else. He said that he had no intention of leaving, but I had just wanted to make sure. To make it better.

And how do I make it better when she can’t even look me in the eyes?

That first day she had let me hold her, she damn well clang to me as I held her. Let me whisper words of okay into her ears in a way that had me believing in it too. But the next day? Yeah… the next day was different. Yesterday was different. Freezing up as I offered her something which to me felt like comfort, her body so tense, her words so clipped. And it wasn’t like I didn’t question her… I know how fucked up everything is, how the feelings are all swirling and mixing, how everything is messed… but this is me! I get it! It makes me want to scream and to shout, to punch and to kick every damn inanimate object around me… but more than that it makes me want to grab her and press my lips so firm against hers in a way which makes her see it too. Feel it too. And that’s the sickest right? Everyone else is consuming themselves in grief, and I still have the hankerings of getting my nasty little naughty on. I still want the ‘fucking’ to be for all of the right reasons. Still want to lose the harshness of this screwed up world all in the beauty of her. So maybe it’s best if she holds herself away from me, because I know that it isn’t what she needs. That she doesn’t find comfort in the same way that I do. That she doesn’t need me in the way which I need her. Another harsh and hardened dose of reality.

“Hey?”

Huh?

“You okay Faith, you look kinda… antsy?”

I had forgotten that I was here for a minute, forgotten that people were looking to me to see what my reactions are. Still looking for a strength which I think I left in that basement.

“I’m cool Dawn, just ya know… thinking.”

“About Tara?”

“About a lot of shit, about all of this shit.”

“You wanna talk some?”

At least ‘her’ eyes aren’t empty to me. I remember Tara teasing about hero worship, and now it just hurts too. Dawn shouldn’t be offering me anything, I should be the one doing the offering. She is still just a kid, and she is still being thrown more shit than any kid should ever have to go through. Maybe even more than I went through. And it sucks. It sucks a whole barrel load of shit.

“Do ‘you’ want to talk? Are you doing okay?”

I pat the sofa next to me and invite her into my isolated space. Throw an arm around her shoulders and hope that it gives her something to hold onto.

“I’m okay… I just, I wonder Faith, do you think that we’re cursed..? I mean… with mom, with Buffy, and now Tara… why does everyone get taken? I hate that everyone keeps… keeps dying. It’s not fair.”

I hold on tighter, I could tell her everything about not fair, but I won’t. I’ll try and soothe the child in her that still thinks that life should even be fair. “No kid, not cursed… definitely not fair, but not cursed. It’ll be okay, just wait and see.”

“You always say that.”

“What?”

“That it’ll be okay, since you got here you said that… it gets harder to believe.”

“You don’t believe me?”

She shrugs a little. Sighs a lot more.

“It sounds better than when Buffy says it… you sound like you mean it. Like there’s hope.”

“You want me to start punning on my name?”

“Not if you want me to keep taking you seriously.”

So I hold back for the moment on the ‘keeping the faith’, cos it does sound a lot like bullshit. “It’s just gonna take time kiddo, losing people… it’s never easy, but you just have to remember who you have left. It’s not right, and it isn’t fair, but it’s something. Something to believe in.”

“You think that Willow is going to be okay?”

No. And no again. A whole fucking lifetime of no.

“Sure she will, you wait and see… she has you and B, she has Xander…”

“And you.”

“Yeah… right, see? Just give her time…”

I remember how hard we had to work at restraining her and I know that it’s gonna take a hell of a lot more than time to be okay. It’s gonna take a fucking miracle, and I know that I’m not the girl to work them. Not even close.

“I just want things to be better, I want… I want to be happy again. I want Tara back.”

I hold onto her as the tears come again. So many tears, too many tears. My peaceful tones trying to break through and assure, when my own eyes are feeling dusty too. My arm trying to wipe away what I know she doesn’t need to see. I hold her for as long as she needs me, till the teenager in her gets the embarrassment from being so exposed. And then I let her go, watch as she climbs the stairs to her room to try and find comfort in being alone. I know it doesn’t work, of course it doesn’t work, but I let her go. I need a little space too. More time to think about the comfort which I can’t have. More aching to feel Buffy’s arms around me in the way that I want to wrap my arms around her. Private want, useless want. Fucked up want.

My eyes rise again as I hear her tread upon the stairs, knowing it is her in the way that I know everything to me is her. Trying so hard to catch a gaze she won’t give me. And I want to scream again. I want to punch and kick again.

“You alright B?”

My words falling heavy from my lips, scared to sound light, almost scared to be heard.

“Huh?”

“I said… I said are you alright?”

“Peachy Faith. You?”

“Yeah, great… flying high.”

I follow her with my eyes as she walks right by, not stopping to engage in anything other than the bullshit phrases which just fell from her mouth. Nothing personal, nothing close to anything she has been sharing with me before this. Like she’s empty again. Like she doesn’t care again. Like I’m nothing to her.

And I AM going to punch something.

I pick myself up from the sofa and follow her out to the kitchen, just rest myself back against the side and watch her gathering some food. A tray for Red I guess. A pointless tray for a girl who won’t eat anything. I know that she knows I’m watching her, and I wonder how hard it is to not acknowledge me… maybe how easy it is.

“I’m gonna go back to mine.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Maybe get washed up, get something to eat… gonna get some training done.”

“Right.”

“Maybe dance naked for a while, invite the neighbours round for a good old fashioned orgy…”

“Okay.”

And I know she doesn’t even hear me. It makes me slam my hand down hard, makes me jump as much as her as the crack resounds through the room. My eyes as wide as hers as finally she connects with me. As finally she looks me in the fucking face for the first time in days. I see her mouth gaping like a fish, words not forthcoming now that she feels like she’s on the spot. Now that she has to find words.

“You got something to say B?”

“Careful of the sides, I can’t afford to replace them.”

“You’re fucking joking me?”

“No Faith, I don’t have the time for jokes.”

And I see the slip slide, the flash of something in her eyes other than the emptiness that she has never ever really fooled me with. It makes me take a step closer, makes me reach out a hand to glide across her cheek, makes me sigh so fucking hard as she pulls herself back from me.

“I can’t… don’t you get it? We can’t.”

And I know I have no place to argue. What would I say?

‘Forget all the pain, forget the fact that the world has gone to shit… we’ll just carry on anyway? We’ll find happiness in a place where there is no room for happy?’

No. I don’t say anything. I just sigh that fucking sigh again and turn to go. Fuck goodbye, and fuck everything. I just need something to punch.

*****

POV Buffy.

I watch her go with downcast eyes that refuse to meet her face. Feel the tear as it rips right through me again, the twist in my heart as she leaves like I made her leave. Like I have to make her leave. I’m finding it hard enough to live with myself right now… if I look her in the eyes, then she will see the truth, and that is even harder for me to think about.

How can it be that when the whole world has gone to crap, I can still want nothing as much as I want to lose myself inside everything that is her? How can I even think that I have the right to want so much, when everyone else has been left with so little? When so much of it is all my fault? I can’t want. But I do want. And so I try to hide it all from her. I try to be strong Buffy, dutiful Buffy… the Buffy I should have been in the first place. The girl that would never have let this happen.

I stand here now piling pointless food onto a pointless tray and yet it still feels as if it is the ‘right’ thing to do. To carry it upstairs and argue the point with a best friend that has lost her whole point to life. That is so torn in the grief and the hurt and the guilt, that all she can do is to cry. To not hear my words as I try and make it sound better, as I offer false promises of a time when things will be okay… no. She knows that it is crap as much as I do, so she treats it like crap. She just fixes me with eyes which are still staining black, and dismisses me with her tears. Not letting me hold her. Barely letting me touch her.

She lets Xander hold her… she lets Dawnie soothe her brow, she even listens as Giles speaks in his fatherly tones to her… but not me. She won’t hear me. And I get that. The words that she shared that first day make me understand it in ways which I wish I didn’t have to understand. The dirty whore, the fucking bitch, the slut who let Spike touch her. The one who was wrong, who came back dirty. I heard all of the words and they sounded like the thoughts I had been berating myself with for months. Words which Faith had chased away, but now words which haunt me again. So tell me… how the hell can I wish to lose all of this in Faith?

That first night after, I had begged Hallie to make use of something like power, to grant a wish that would take us back, would make it different… but she couldn’t. Her power gone as long as D’Hoffryn is gone. More crap. What’s the point in having power if you can’t damn well use it?

And that’s a good laugh, right from my top drawer of laughs. I stood in that basement and I let everything happen around me and I didn’t use my power. I could have taken the dive through the wall… I have experience, I know what death feels like… but no. I decided that I wanted life too much to even think the possibility. I thought I could save them all, I didn’t realise that we would have to sacrifice anyone. That we would have to lose her. Maybe if I had known, if the hindsight had been given, then I would have been the one who had taken Warren out… but I didn’t know. I didn’t understand. I don’t understand anything anymore. Everything was going so well, everything was getting better… and I was the fool to believe it. I should know by now that life is only about hurting. Look it up in the dictionary, I swear it’s what it will say. Forget the good times, the happy times… they have nothing on the hard times. On these times.

I look at the virtual feast I have prepared for Wills, and it doesn’t even tempt me. Only Faith tempts me, right? Yes. Pathetic, but true. I have eaten as much as Willow these last days, and my tummy doesn’t even care… everything within me is calling out to find Faith. To touch Faith. To taste Faith. It is all that I want to consume… and the thought just makes me sick at myself. It forces me into this penance of casting my eyes down from her. Of pretending that I don’t hear the words that she speaks to me. But I hear every one, I feel every one. I know that she is hurting like I am.

Oh god.

Can someone not just tell me what to do?

I pick up the tray and walk the stairs. Back to my room, back to the endless pain in Will’s eyes, the sight of the anguish on her face. I worry for her… I worry that she will try to do what she did with me, touching more darkness. I worry that she will try to join Tara wherever she is. That first day me and Faith had had to use all of our strength to restrain her… to hold her back from the path which would have taken her life. Her hurt gone, but ours magnified. Maybe we should have let her, who the hell are we to hold her back?

“Hey Wills, I brought you lunch…”

And she doesn’t look up. Her eyes dead as they stare from my window. Silent tears mapping a path down her face.

“You gonna eat something?”

I place it in the space where all of the untouched trays have lain and try to find my own spot next to her, glancing out at the view to see what captivates her so. Not expecting the words to come from her mouth. My ears assaulted by the depth of her torment.

“Look at the sun Buffy… do you see the sun?”

“Yeah… I see it.”

“It reminds me of her… all that light, all of that goodness burning so bright. It reminds me of her.”

I don’t know what to say. I say nothing.

“Without the sun, everything would die. Do you ever think that? Do you ever consider that?”

I still say nothing.

“Without the sun there can’t be life… it’s just darkness and death Buffy, it’s just nothing. And it feels… it feels like the sun has gone. I look at it… I look at it till my eyes burn… but it still feels like it has gone… like everything has died…”

Her shoulders are shaking again, her eyes clenching shut as she rips them from the view. And I can’t touch her… I know that if I touch her she will shake me from her, will shrug off any touch that I have to offer. So I lean over her instead, hope that my actions are the right ones. Slowly drawing the blinds to keep the view at bay.

And she doesn’t even register, her eyes flick up again and now she stares at the blinds in the same empty way that she stared at the sun. No more words to say, no more answers to any questions I could dare to ask. I know that she won’t be okay… I don’t need to form the words that would speak it. I turn instead as the door softly opens, register the worried look in Giles’ gaze as he takes us both in. I don’t know if he means to worry about me, or if the look just seeps from Willow, and I catch the leftovers. It doesn’t matter… I don’t want his worry. There is only one thing that I want now, that I need now. My selfishness enough to leave a bitter taste coating the roof of my mouth.

“Buffy..?”

“Yeah?”

“Could I have a quick word please?”

I think long and hard about it, let the minutes fill with a silence I can’t bring myself to break. Eventually nodding as I tear myself away from the companionship of another broken heart. “I’ll be back in a minute Will, try and eat something, okay?”

Leaving the room knowing that I won’t get an answer. That she doesn’t hear my words. I follow Giles instead, past Dawn’s closed door, down to my mom’s room. The empty room.

“What is it?”

“I’m worried.”

“Catch the newsflash… we’re all worried.”

“Not about Willow, I’m worried about you Buffy.”

“Nice sentiment, but I don’t need it… I’m fine. Peachy.”

It’s a line that I keep repeating. I don’t know if the fleshy fruit works as a cover, but it’s the word that keeps springing to my lips. A word that I keep finding no matter how broken down I feel inside. No matter how much my guilt and shame is eating me alive. Maybe like a peach… maybe I am the peach…

“You don’t need to keep the act with me, I understand that you want to reassure your friends, that you want to assure your sister, but this is me Buffy… you don’t need to hide the truth from me.”

“Who says I’m hiding?”

“Everything about you says that you are hiding. I know you haven’t eaten anything, I know that you have barely taken the time to sleep…”

“Sleep when you’re dead Giles, I know all about that.”

The chipper is all forced, and I see that he does know that. The firmness that he inserts into his words. The forcefulness of his gaze.

“For gods sake, can you not admit that you’re hurting too? Nobody expects you to bear this alone, no one expects anything from you… we are all hurting!”

“No, you’re wrong… I expect this from me. I have to be strong, I…”

His hand is warm as it finds my own, its roughness dwarfing mine as he attempts to comfort me. I should tell him that it isn’t his touch that I need. But I don’t. I let him hold on and speak his words. I expect me to be strong. Even for him.

“Buffy, it’s admirable what you are trying to do, but if you carry on, then what will happen when you break? Because you will break, no one can do this to themselves and not suffer. No one, not even a slayer.”

“Maybe I deserve to suffer? Did ya think of that one?”

He looks at me sadly. I smile back.

“Quit worrying about me, seriously… I’ve got this. I’m gonna be here for Wills, for Dawn… and maybe when they are feeling better, I’ll start to worry about myself. Okay?”

“And what about Faith?”

That stops me smiling. It brings the tears that I am fighting every minute of every day right back up to my surface. Don’t call me on that one Giles. Don’t make me tell you how much I need her… how much my selfish little want is encompassing everything else that I feel.

“What about her?” I go for steely. I know that she doesn’t deserve it.

“Why won’t you let her share the burden? You have to know that she wants to, that she is here for you.”

I know that it is stupid, I know that it is a lie, but I still look around the room in a dumb attempt at showmanship. “Well where is she then? I don’t see her here.”

And now he sighs. I can make everyone sigh.

“You have to stop pushing her away, I see what you do, and believe it or not I understand why you are doing it…”

No you don’t.

“…but it’s okay. It’s okay to want her, even when things are bad. That’s what love is Buffy, an ability to make it better. Why won’t you let her make it better?”

I can feel my head shaking, side to side. Adamantly no.

“You don’t understand! We said… god, we said that we would save the world Giles, and we lied. Do you get that? And now I can’t go to her, I can’t save ourselves when I let Tara go… I can’t do better, I can’t be better!”

“You didn’t let Tara go, Tara made her own decision, a very brave decision, don’t take that away from her.”

“She never should have been in a position to make it though, should she? That’s what I’m here for… remember? One girl, facing evil, stopping the tide? All the things that you taught me Giles, and now you’re telling me that it’s crap? That this isn’t my fault?”

I try and draw breath back into my body. Clench my fists tight to rein it all in. He makes another grab for me, another fatherly touch that I just can’t feel.

“That’s precisely what I’m saying Buffy. This is not your fault, it doesn’t matter how much you punish yourself, it isn’t your fault!”

Now his hands go to my shoulders, forcing me to look him in the eye, to hear the words no matter how much I try not to.

“It isn’t your fault, or Faith’s fault, or Willow’s fault… it isn’t even Andrew’s fault…”

Damn! I was sharing a little of my blame with Andrew. He knows it as well. He may be back home with mommy, but he knows that I have some blame waiting for him on his return. A talk that needs to be had. Anger that needs to be sated. I try and focus back on the words. On the eyes.

“…it’s nobody’s fault Buffy. It’s evil, it’s what evil does, and I know that it hurts… god knows I’ve felt the hurt, but we keep on going. We keep on fighting. It’s the best that we can do, and I know how good your best can be.”

His eyes are shining for me. Perhaps for Jenny too. For Tara. The list would be endless if we started to count everyone that we have lost to evil.

“I’m tired Giles… I just… I’m so tired.”

I let go as he holds me, as his arms envelope me in the way that I had wished for for months. Endless days when I had longed for his return, longed for him to pull me back from my slipping spiral of badness. I hold on tight now, I let the tears for all of that time fall onto his shoulder. And it shocks me… I had thought that I only needed Faith, and now I see that comfort can come from many places. That it isn’t only selfish want that consumes me.

“You can’t give up Buffy, no matter what… you can’t give up. I won’t let you give up.”

“What if I really, really want to?”

“Not even then.”

And it feels good to accept that. Maybe it’s parental, maybe it’s the thing that I have missed since mom… went. Whatever it is, I let it make me smile in truth. Let it fill me with something other than the bad stuff. I slowly break the hold as my thoughts turn back towards Will, towards sitting with her and trying to bring her some of the comfort I had just been given.

“Thank you for that, I needed it…”

“Yes you did.”

“I’m gonna get back to Willow, try and get her to eat something, to talk maybe…”

“No Buffy, I’m going to sit with Willow.”

“Okay, I’ll go hang with Dawn.”

“You really are bloody pain in the arse.”

“Huh?”

Because you what?

“You’re going to go to Faith, and when you get there, you are going to sit down and talk all of this through with her.”

“No I’m not.”

“Don’t make me shout.”

And I laugh.

“Oh come on Giles, you can’t shout at me anymore, I’m all grown up!”

“Well start acting like it then. I know how much you need each other, how much you can help each other… now bloody well go to her!”

“But… but what about Will, Dawn…”

“I’m perfectly capable of looking after them myself.”

I remember all of the times that I have abandoned them for my own selfish desire, for the wants which I had no control over, wants which I didn’t even try and control… and I won’t do that again. I won’t leave them again.

“No Giles, it’s my responsibility, I won’t leave them. Not again.”

“And I am not giving you the choice, I’ll watch over them Buffy, I’ll watch over them like I always should have done…”

I catch as his eyes go shifty, as they sink to the floor along with his tone.

“…if you want to apportion blame, then I have to accept some as well.”

“You what?”

“I never should have left when I did, I know that… who knows how things would have turned out if I hadn’t have left, if I was here for all of you whilst all of this was happening?”

I just shake my head. I don’t blame him. It hurts that he left me, that he left us… but I don’t blame him.

“It’s okay Giles, it’s past now.”

“I know that, but I want to be here now, for you… for all of you, and that includes Faith. Now just trust me Buffy, and go to her. Please?”

And how can I refuse an offer like that? It makes me smile in a way that I haven’t found to smile in days. In a way which I didn’t believe I would be able to smile again. And it doesn’t feel so selfish, it feels… I don’t know? Right?

“Okay, I’ll go… but only because you’re forcing me, not because I want to go more than anything, right?”

“Your secret’s safe, I won’t tell anyone.”

He offers me the look that always felt paternal, and draws me back into a hug. More seeds being planted that we can find a way through all of this, that if we just stick together instead of pushing people away, then it will be okay. That we can make things better.

“I won’t be long…”

“Take as long as you need.”

I give him a last smile, a perky wave, and I turn from the room. Turn to accept everything that I want, everything that I need.

I turn to Faith.

*****

POV Faith.

How hard can I punch? How hard can I push? Nothing hard enough, nothing enough to wipe the feeling from my body. Her dismissal, her lack of feeling. Her lack of anything. I push through all of it. I push through the hurt and the pain, the loss and the sadness… I am a slayer, I don’t need anyone. Or some other bullshit. Whatever. I just push harder. My makeshift punch bag standing up well to the torrent of blows I am raining down upon it. And it beats the alternative, it beats standing in front of her and demanding answers where she has none, demanding comfort that she can’t offer me. Won’t offer me.

Still too many hours, too many minutes and seconds that all smash together to leave me feeling lost and confused. Maybe torn and a little bit broken. I tried to ring Angel, tried to ring Cordy, tried to get a semblance of something other than this fucked up feeling, but all that I got was the answer machine. Leaving messages that sounded too bright, cracking jokes that sounded too forced. Fuck knows where they are, what they are doing… I just know that they are not there. That no one is there. Another reason to punch this hard, to push this hard. It doesn’t make a difference, but it stops me from thinking too much. From feeling too much.

I don’t even care that I didn’t strap my hands, that the pain is becoming more physical as I take the skin from my knuckles. Not enough to draw blood, I’m not fucking stupid, but enough to sting. To make me hiss as I keep up the relentlessness of my work out. Training for a fight that is already lost.

It’s like a rhythm I can dance to, the bang, bang, banging offering the same feel as a hypnotic dance number. Seeping through my skin, past my bones and down to my core. Keeping me standing, moving in a way that my body appreciates. Footwork perfect, arms in sync. It makes me miss the door at first. An unwelcome interruption, a beat which doesn’t sit the same. My ears hearing before my body can react, missing a punch. My head turning. And why can’t the world just fuck off?

Grabbing a towel as I head for the door, fixing a scowl that I’ll show to whichever fucker has found the time to come knocking at my door. I don’t collect encyclopaedias, I don’t wanna join the watch tower… my face says it all. Swinging the door open like I want to swing my punches. Hard and fast. Unforgiving.

“Hey.”

And slap my ass, and bring on the oxygen, cos I swear I just stopped breathing.

“You gonna invite me in?”

“Yeah, sure, of course… you wanna come in?”

And fuck hello, and all other forms of intelligible greeting, because I have nothing. Except a towel. And kinda grazed knuckles. And a look which may be surprised, or could be dumbstruck. Hell, it could just be plain old dumb.

“So you didn’t get the neighbours in for the naked dancing then?”

I see the twinkle in her eye and I wonder what I have missed. What the hell has happened between the then and the now, the thing which has her looking me straight in the eyes, and looking like she cares.

“I didn’t think you heard that B, fuck… I didn’t think you heard anything.”

“I know.”

“You know what?”

Because I know nothing. As in the kind of nothing that equals zero. It’s not a heck of a lot.

“I know that I’ve been… distant?”

“Missing in action.”

She’s following me as I back my way into the front room. All the time those eyes not moving, not leaving me. Locking me into her gaze and keeping me prisoner. It makes it fucking hard to not want to take her, to do all of the things which I have berated myself for wanting to do…

“Yeah, I guess I’ve been out of the game…”

“I don’t want games B.”

“Then what do you want?”

Holy fuck.

I feel as my knees hit the back of the sofa, as I have no where else left to go except forwards. My mouth now doing the gaping fish, trying to find words which aren’t inappropriate… which won’t make her turn and run with distaste for my desire.

“Uh… talk? Yeah… you wanna sit?”

I let my legs collapse my weight and bring myself down to sitting. Nervously patting beside me in an offer at something controlled. Just talking… working through the shit. Trying to find some comfort in the words.

“I don’t know… I could sit, sitting would be okay… but what I want, what I need?”

She is standing before me, her eyes ablaze with what I am feeling, with what I am needing… and I don’t understand…

“Buffy..?”

“No, wrong answer.”

She kneels her way in front of me, my legs parting to let her come closer. To let her run her fingers across the exposed skin of my legs, up to my thighs. Gentle circles. Testing circles. And I can’t speak… I don’t know what to say.

“I want you Faith… I need you, is that okay? Can I… have you?”

I hear the way that her voice wavers, the shakyness beneath the seductiveness… the unsurity, the uncertainty. And maybe I do understand. Maybe I know that she has fought this feeling as long and as hard as I have… this feeling that won’t go away even amongst all of the hurt and all of the pain, that is perhaps stronger now through the hurt and the pain. And there is only one word that I know, one word that means anything here in this moment. Our moment.

“Yes.”

I speak it and I feel it. As her body closes the distance to bring her lips up against mine. Such soft kisses. Reacquainting kisses. Her tongue barely poking out to taste the sweat from my lips, to taste the work out that I had just pounded furiously against the punch bag. I let my arms reach forwards to bring her into me, feeling her skin shiver beneath her top as I find a way to edge her closer. Shift my own ass on the seat to edge myself closer. I feel it as it starts to burn through me, as my heart beats faster, and the blood flows like a river through my veins. All one way traffic, heating up a centre that has been so fucking desperate to come to life. Making my hips grind against any part of her it can gain purchase on. Deepening the kiss to make it more real, more urgent. Everything that I want. And I don’t care for thoughts or petty admonishments, don’t care for voices telling me that we don’t deserve this, that we haven’t earned this, because I don’t fucking care anymore. All that I care about is here in this instant. I break the stream of the hello kisses to show her satisfaction in my smile, to offer the hoarseness that sits within my voice.

“You wanna take this to the bedroom B?”

“I wanna take you in the bedroom F.”

And I force my legs to gain feeling, to not permanently buckle from the words I have longed to hear. Standing up and in front of her, not able to stop touching her. Her eyebrows imitating mine with all sorts of hidden promise. My lips crush hard against lips, my hand sliding up to grab her head from behind, to bring her tight in against me, my tongue duelling with hers as we edge our way back. Knocking into the table and not giving a shit, reaching the doorframe and having to pause. She fits so well against it, I fit so well against her. My hands are pulling at her shirt, as my mouth doesn’t let her go. Her own hands reaching my skin first, making me hiss in something other than pain now… her lips sliding from mine to trace a path across my jaw and to my neck… sucking softly, fingers teasing flesh as she lets them travel up across my navel…

I grab at her again, pin my knee firmly between her thighs, trapping her hand against the skin of my stomach. I want to touch her too… I want to feel her too. I hear her gasp as my hands slide under her top, grazing across the expanse of her back to meet the clasp of a bra… and it’s so fucking easy, an unspoken skill as I release it from its burden, as I feel it go limp under my touch… my fingers slipping around, pulling myself back to give myself the room move… to bring my touch to the front of her, under the lace which I’m sure looks so pretty, to breasts which I know feel so good.

“Oh god… Faith…”

Her mouth calling me back. Her neck tipping as she exposes skin to me, as she lets the breath fall from her mouth as urgently as her words. And it’s so fucking intoxicating… making me grind harder, making me want more. And I can’t care for fucking sweet and slow, and doorframes and waiting… I slam myself hard into her, crushing her body against me as I find a way to pick her up, her legs wrapping around me in ways which insist that she doesn’t need sweet and slow either… that she just needs this.

I don’t know if I have words, if the mumblings I whisper against her neck mean anything other than the need to have her. To throw her down upon the bed and pull the top clean from my body, standing above her with my naked intent written all over me, not just in my eyes now, but in the sight of my skin. Her eyes are making all of the right comments, praising me before her mouth even opens, consuming me without the use of her lips… and I know that I smile the cocky smile, I know that my tongue traces my own lips in ways which I am going to trace hers… lasciviously… it’s a word that I love.

“You see what you want B?”

Energy crackling between our eyes, the lust so fucking plain to see. Her head’s nodding slowly as she tries to bring herself up from the position that I have thrown her down into. But I don’t want that… I want this… snaking my way up and across her, teasing her with my almost nakedness as I hold her arms firm beneath me, gasping as she raises her head to flick her tongue out at my breasts, a warm moist graze which makes my nipples ache, makes me groan in need as I lower myself down to her. I kiss at her neck, sucking harshly against the pulse which I know beats faster for me, letting it make the wetness gather beneath the only clothes I have left, no need for panties here, when a workout demands only shorts.

“Faith… oh god, let me up…I want to touch…”

And no. I silence her requests with the force of my kiss, plunging my tongue deep inside her mouth, feeling her teeth, feeling her own force as she tries to gain back control… letting her suck on my tongue as I draw slowly away…

“Why do ya wanna get up B? You don’t want this?”

I tease her again with the sway of my breasts, teasing myself more as her mouth catches on and sucks deep, torturing both of us by pulling away, smiling my smile. And I know that wanting to touch is jack shit to do with it, I know that as another slayer she wants to ride on top… but I got here first, and it damn well makes me grin. Makes me smile some more as she recognises that I know… that the same blood scorches through my veins as scorches through hers. The fucking chosen two.

I bring her arms together above her head to free up a hand, letting it fall fast to the skin which peeks from beneath her top, ripping it away, tearing at the seams which are desperate to give… the loosened bra as easy to remove as she is to hold in place, finally feeling the joy as my flesh burns against hers, as I feel the aching touch of my nipples pressing firm now against nipples, biting my lips to stop from screaming out the feeling, the desire to slide past the niceties and just take her like I need to… to feel my fingers pumping at the walls inside of her…

“Tell me you want me…”

I grind into her as I say it, not flesh against flesh, not there yet, still cloth against cloth… still wetness pooling where it should run free… the harshness of a seam as it grinds against a straining clit… and I see her own lips biting, her eyes scrunching shut as I push down with all that I have…

“I, oh…”

Pushing harder, the rhythm as obvious as our connection, binding us in the moment, her hips meeting mine in a desperate bid to feel more, and I’m so sick of restraints now, of clothes keeping us in, when all I that want is to get out. To break free.

“Say it for me…”

Breathing it out into her ears, as my hand travels down to find a zip, to wrestle a button, to hear her own gasped reply as my fingers slip against the warm feel of heated panties, moist through with the proof of everything that she wants.

“I want you Faith, god… I so want you…”

And it’s so fucking hot to hear her saying it now, and god, it makes me want so much more. I wanna hear those tones stoking my lust in the same way that her skin is burning me like fire, desperate to hear that pretty mouth speak to me everything that she needs… how she needs it. I pull myself back to make the room to manoeuvre, to give my hands every space needed to strip her of the pants that constrict my way, that hint at the dampness without revealing the wetness. And I want the wetness, I wanna fucking drown in it. Wanna dive so god damn deep that I never hear the sounds of the real world again. My words are coated in throatiness as I speak, practically growling it out into the softness of her neck, pulling back to find her eyes…

“Tell me what you want B…”

Letting go of her arms as I travel back down her body, my mouth pouring urgent kisses across her flesh, sucking at the pinkness of the nipples which are reaching up to meet me. Finding a path across her stomach and then breaking away, looking into those deep green eyes again, pleading with her, longing for her words…

“Tell me how you want it…”

Lifting her ass like an expert as her pants take the trip down, her hips rising to accommodate me, yet her mouth clamping shut, her eyes wide as she shows me her vulnerability. As she struggles to find the words I need to hear.

“Tell you..?”

And it makes me pause in my movements, makes me slowly slide my skin against hers as I make my way back, until we are laying together, length to length, all points of contact screaming at me to take. My breathing harsh in my throat as I seek to control what I’ve never been so good at controlling… “Please Buffy…” My eyes locking tight into hers, trying to offer promise, trying to set her free. “…tell me.”

I let my hips remind themselves to grind again, nudging her onwards, feeling as her hips strike the same. Just panties and shorts. Hearing as our breathing becomes heavy and heated, almost losing the will to have more, so fucking good it feels just sliding against her like this. As I raise myself up onto elbows I feel the ache growing heavier as my breasts graze against hers again, and it’s enough to almost have me crying out… almost, but no… oh fuck, keeping a lid on it, dipping down to taste her lips again, her mouth so hot and wet for me. Her whole body in tune with me.

“I want you… uh…” Letting my hand travel down across her sweat covered stomach as I predict the outcome of her unspoken request, her breath hitching over and over as I rub a rhythm across the front of panties that have soaked themselves through with need. Teasing the edges, touches so close, yet remaining so far.

“Do you want this..?”

Just underneath, just the beginning of tightly trimmed curls pulling me closer, hips bucking harder demanding that I give. That I take. But I want the words, I want her voice telling me that she wants me to…

“God Faith… please… fuck me, please…?”

And I let that tone in her voice be all that I’ve ever needed to hear, ripping the slight cotton panties from her body to remove the final barrier, my hand cupping her fully just to catch everything that she has for me, pooling in my palm, the heat in her pussy burning my fingers as they touch. And I lose words again, don’t even know what my voice is speaking, no chance of hearing what it is that she says… I heard all that I needed and now I have everything that I wanted… sliding lips apart as she hisses against my shoulder, so soft, so gentle… I think I exclaim at her wetness, cos she is so fucking wet for me, her clit standing taut as it begs me to touch… round and around, back and forth, knowing that harder is what she desires as her own fingers clench tight against my back… as her words becomes hitches, sighs, moans…

“Faith…”

Over and over, my name on her lips.

It urges me to go deeper, to slide down, to find an entrance to the girl that I’ve never stopped loving, so open to me now… legs spreading without any request, hips bucking as I push my way into space that I swear was made just for me… so fucking tight, and so fucking wet, clenching against me, pulling me in… and I’m fuckiing living it, my whole god damn being centred upon her centre, my existence nothing past the feel of her pussy widening to accommodate my touch, another finger… another sigh, another breath which calls my name…

“God B, you feel so fucking good…”

Speaking words I can’t hear, just sounds, just visions… trying to focus on her eyes as they strain to stay open, all my strength needed not to just lose it here. I widen my touch as I thrust my fingers further inside, her response all kinds of eager as I fill her completely… her own cries of god, of so fucking good. Harder and faster, reality passed as she bites down on my shoulder… as her teeth make me buck my thigh hard against my hand, reaffirming a rhythm so deep. And I know that she’s there, I know it as much as I feel it, sliding through me, ripping through me… her body going wild against mine as I hook my fingers against places that I know they’ll work best, my whole arm screaming with the force of her contractions, her mouth fucking screaming as she gives up her all. Exploding against me, around me… the world spinning as I pound harder, as I beg for more… words, sounds, fucking pleading with her to give me everything…

“God Faith…”

“Yes Faith…”

“Harder Faith…”

I hear it all, I give her it all. Her legs wrapping so tight around me as she rides out the climax, my heart pounding in my ears, moans falling from my lips at will. Feeling the throb and taking it slower, sliding to gentle as she pants out my name now, as her eyes lock into mine again, and I show her the way down, softly, smoothly down. Speech nothing as meaningful as the look that we are sharing. As the thing that I am feeling. And I have to kiss her. My fingers buried knuckle deep inside her pulsating pussy, and I have to kiss her. Have to taste the lips which made me take her, have to show her how god damn much this means to me. How much she means to me. Invading her mouth with my tongue in a final act of penetration. Of love. Not scared of crushing her beneath me, just needing her to touch every part of me. Needing to prolong this moment for all that it is worth.

Until it slows, until my heart beats in a way that lets me hear again. Until lips tickle me softly with kisses that are verging now on innocence, until I feel safe enough to release myself from her, sliding my fingers free. And I catch her little moan, the soft sigh that drips from her lips as my hand pulls away. And I kiss her again. Reassurance for both of us. That’s just how it feels.

I roll to the side to allow her to breathe, to allow me to see… her face, her body, the flush that sits in sheen against her skin. So fucking beautiful. She is so fucking beautiful, and I have to tell her. It would be wrong not to tell her.

“You’re beautiful B, you know that? You are so fucking beautiful…”

Her eyes sparkle for me and the corners of her mouth rise up into a smile. “No Faith, that was beautiful… god was it beautiful.” She grins at me mischievously, her lips twitching, her smile stretching. “And uh…pretty wicked cool?”

And I laugh, or I chuckle, fuck knows what it is. But I smile and I nod and I speak. “Yeah B, wicked fucking cool.”

My back hits the bed as I roll over more, staring up at the ceiling and wondering if I can see heaven from here. Knowing that I feel it as she rolls her body close to mine. Nestling against me… fingers tickling a way across my own sweat sheened skin.

“Did you notice..?”

“Huh?”

“You’ve still got your pants on!”

And this time I know that I full on belly laugh. How fucked up is that? I guess I just lost track of my own pair of pants.

“I’m still taking it slow B, don’t wanna go too fast, ya know..?”

I tense my stomach as her fingers ease their way across, circling my navel, dipping inside the shorts which I should have lost ages ago. Teasing me, taunting me…

“So… did you want to lose them, or is that ‘too fast’, cos I’m all for the slow, if that’s what you want?”

I want her.

“Is that what you want Buffy?”

Cos I can play this game too. I fucking invented this game. Not prepared for her answer. Not prepared as her eyes take on a look which surprises me, her mouth giving out a heavy sigh which reminds me that this moment isn’t every moment, that the world still exists after all. As if the air suddenly blows with an unwelcome chill, as if somehow reality just pricked at her consciousness.

“I do… you know that I do… but can we… I don’t know, can we talk Faith? I just… is that okay, for a while… can we just talk for a bit?”

“Whoa… you got your rocks off and now you wanna talk?”

My teasing tone doesn’t stop her now solemn nod, and I know that my body should protest, fuck it, I know that every damn part of me should protest… but I can’t. I may be the horniest damn girl in this whole existing world, but at this moment I’m also the happiest. My smile sliding wide across my lips as I nod my head to confirm it. Yes I want her, yes I want those teasing fingers to show me everything that they’ve got, I want my mouth to travel that hot as fuck body and bury my tongue deep inside the pussy which I’ve only just met… but I don’t know. Hearing her words, it just touches me. More than touches me. Because in her tone I hear my own hidden sadness, in her tone I hear my own hidden need. Not for sex, for fucking, but for us. To share the things that only we can share. To share the things that I have needed to share since the world went to shit in a basement. We have a lifetime for us, for me to get my rocks off, we are the lucky ones… but now this moment is for talking. For healing.

I hear her words and I get that. And I want to talk. I want to make it better with more than touches. I let my hand go to hers to steady it in its movements, knowing I won’t be able to talk for long if her fingers don’t stop in the downward spiral they seem so intent upon travelling. Rolling again to bring us both onto our sides. Face to face, body to body. And if it didn’t sound so fucking soppy, I guess I’d say heart to heart.

“We can talk as long as you need to B, as long as we need to.”

Her smile is all the reward that I need right now. Calming my pulse, soothing my body. Clearing my head as I make the room to hear her words, as I make the room to form my own. I glance to the window and appreciate the onset of dusk. We have all night and I plan to use it well. To talk it out, to sound it out, to say everything that needs to be said to make the world quiet. To give me the hush that I need to tell her the truth of everything. To tell her I love her, and to hope that it helps.

I know that she knows it, feels it too, her sated smile shining with it. But I have to tell her. As I look across into eyes that stare deep back at mine, I can’t wait to tell her. To say the words which I hope can begin to make it all better.

CHAPTER 28.

POV Buffy.

She looks so deeply into my eyes, and I see everything that I need to know there, everything that tells me I can speak anything that I need to, can say anything and she will still be here. That she won’t leave me, no matter what, because she loves me. I can see it, and I can feel it. In the way that she touches me, in the way that her hand is steadying mine to stop the tremors from ripping straight through me. It calms me, it soothes me. It has me catching my still racing breath to turn the crazy stream in my head, into words. Grabbing at all of the thoughts to order them, to try and begin to make sense of them.

“Hey, come on… talk to me B.”

And her smile. Jesus, her smile. Does she know how soft her mouth is, how the tugging corners of her lips, tug straight at the strings to my heart? Making me love her too, wondering how I ever did anything other than love her.

“I don’t know where to start, I don’t know if there is a start… everything just, how did everything go so wrong Faith?”

“You’re asking me?”

“Do you have an answer?”

It makes her smile seem sad, and I know that I mirror it.

“Not a one.” Her sigh brings her chest out to touch mine, a shiver running through me. “If I had the answers B, then none of this shit would be happening.”

“I feel so useless… I feel like everyone is looking to me, everyone depending on me, and it’s too late… what can I do now, when I’ve already let them down?”

“You didn’t let them down.” I go to speak, but she narrows her eyes to stop me. “No way, if anyone let them down then it was both of us. Me AND you girlfriend, there’s no way you can claim this all for yourself…”

“But you weren’t even here when it started. Wills with the magic, and me… if I hadn’t, if I didn’t…”

I can’t get the words out. Can’t bring myself to speak his name, not here. Not in this bed with her. Not when her hand is rubbing so smoothly across my arm to try and give comfort to me. He has no place here, yet I still need to say it. I close my eyes on the words as if I can stop myself from seeing what they bring to her face. Disgust, distaste… pain. “…if I had never gone to Spike, I know Faith, I know this wouldn’t have happened…”

“Stop it.” Her hand caresses my cheek, runs light across my ear. “Open your eyes Buffy, there’s nothing I don’t want to hear.”

“But…”

“No buts, I don’t like it, fuck knows I don’t like it… but you don’t have to hide from me. I hate it when you hide from me.”

“Maybe I’m hiding from myself.”

And it’s the truth. No one can hate what I did more than I can. No one can feel it inside the way that I do. Burning within me. Cursing me with the memories of every moment that he touched me. That I let him touch me. So wrong, all so god damn wrong.

I bite on my lip to stop a tear. No tears, not yet. Not already. Because I do have to try at strength, even here I have to try, because if I stop trying then I know that I won’t make it. Giving up is so close, so tempting, so I bite to stay strong. Pulling my head back as her lips come in close, as she tries to take it away with kisses that make it feel better.

“No Faith, you can’t kiss away the truth. You can’t take away what I did.”

“I don’t want to take it away, I just want to stop it from hurting.”

Her voice hoarse and heavy. Such honesty she gives me. And I do allow a second of respite, delighting in the way that I feel when she touches me, when her lips press soft against mine. Not believing that I deserve it, but yet still crying out for it.

“You know that Red didn’t mean what she said, right? She’s pissed at herself B, she didn’t mean any of it.”

“Maybe… maybe not. It doesn’t matter, I let her down.”

“WE let her down.”

Bitch. Whore. Liar. Wrong.

“She trusted me, they all trusted me.”

“And they still do.”

Your fault, you did this! Screamed at me, my arms burning with the effort of holding her back, my clothes as sticky with her vomit as they were from the sweat of all of the fighting.

“No Faith. She won’t let me near her… I think, god… I think that I’ve lost her as well, not just…” And it hurts so bad to say her name. “…not just Tara.”

Tears falling now because even I am not that strong. All of it a lie. One girl with the strength? Well where is that girl? I don’t even remember that girl.

She pulls me in close and whispers silent shushes into my hair, her hand tripping lightly across my back as I shake against her. As I feel her own breath coming ragged with the sadness that she shares.

“You know B, I never even thought that she could do that… man, if I had thought it, if I had felt it…I wouldn’t have tried to pull away, I would’ve let him take me… I just didn’t…” Her sigh blows cool air across my neck. Makes me pull back, makes me forget my own pain for a second. “…I didn’t know. How could we have known?”

“We should have known. It’s our job.”

“Our job is shit. All of it is shit.”

She rolls from her side to find her back again. Those eyes which she doesn’t look to wipe streaming tears which run in rivers down her cheeks. No sign of those dimples now, of a soft mouth making smiles.

“I always wondered B, fuck it… since the god damn beginning of this ride, I wondered, from the minute I heard about you… was I good enough? And I tried so fucking hard to prove it, fighting like a bat out of hell to prove it… and look at us now?”

“You were always good enough.”

Her eyes don’t move, she doesn’t move, looking at that place on the ceiling that assures her of how good she isn’t.

“No way, I figured that out soon enough… saw what you had and knew I could never be that good…” She lets out a laugh which hurts me with its bitterness. “…and the real fucking joke is that I couldn’t be bad enough either.”

I try to move closer, I need to touch her. “All of that was a mistake Faith, you know that, I know that…”

“A mistake? Nice word. Nice lie… it may have started out a mistake, but don’t kid yourself that I didn’t know what I was doing afterwards, that going to the Mayor wasn’t anything other than thought out. Twistedly fucking thought out.”

“It doesn’t matter now.”

“Yeah, it really does, because that’s my point… I have never been good enough, I can’t believe that I thought it could change… that I could change.”

“But you have changed.” I see her skin flinch as I run my fingers across her. Her eyes flying from the ceiling to burn deep into mine. Her eyebrows arching in a way which doubts everything that I have said. So I say more. “It was you that even gave us a fighting chance… this would have ended long ago without you, and we wouldn’t have just lost Tara, all of us… Dawnie, I know I would’ve lost her, we were easy pickings for evil… you changed that.”

“But I still wasn’t good enough.”

My heart breaks with each tear that won’t stop. Because I know this feeling so well, the feeling of losing people, of every death laying heavy on your conscience, faces which float before closed eyes as you try to sleep at night. Of believing that everything you do will never really be good enough. I bring myself closer to her to speak it to her face, half across her and raised up on an elbow, staring down at her, making her see me… begging that she hears me.

“When I first got here Faith, do you know that I tried to walk away?”

“Huh?”

“Honestly, I swear it… I didn’t want this gig, anymore than the next girl, I wanted makeup and shoes… maybe a boy, a place on the cheerleading squad… but not this duty, this calling. So I tried to turn my back.”

But still her eyes doubt me.

“Ask Giles, he’ll tell you… I was an all American pain in the ass. And do you know what changed that?”

I see the flash and the twinkle as the Faith I know and love tries to break free, her mouth clamping to shut as she decides that I don’t need smart comments, that this isn’t the time to brush bad stuff away with banter. Instead just shaking her head, imperceptibly almost.

“It was Wills, she went off with a vamp… and I knew I had to fight, knew I could never be free of this, that I could never stop fighting no matter how much it hurt, no matter how bad it was, how crap it made life…”

“But you saved her right? You were good enough, you did your duty, got a slap on the back… it’s not the same…”

“No, I saved Will, but I lost someone else… Jesse.”

“Who?”

I remember the boy that still haunts me at night. A boy we don’t mention, a boy we all remember. Their friend, and the first one that I lost here. I could never forget him.

“He was Xander’s buddy… a good guy, a sweet guy. And I didn’t save him… not even close. They turned him Faith, they turned him and they set him on us, so no… I wasn’t good enough.”

“But you got better, you got good…”

“You really need to read up on your Buffy history, you know that?”

I try for a smile, try for something which might make her smile back. Not working though, her sighs and her tears still taking precedence over anything light.

“I tried to walk away again…” I let out a soft laugh as I remember how much I wanted to run. How scared I was. “…I begged mom to take me away, they told me I was going to die and all I wanted to do was to run.”

“Normal reaction B, no shame in being scared.”

“But I was the slayer, I had no place running… so don’t ever even think that I’m some kind of hero… I stayed because I had to, I died because I had to, not because I was good enough, because I was any better than anyone else.” And it is the truth. The first time I had died I had surely not wanted it. Given the chance I would have fled as far from Sunnydale as was humanly possible. Super humanly possible.

I watch as her tongue flicks out to moisten dry lips, as she finally brings her hand up to wipe at her tears. Her chest rising as she sucks in another of the breaths which releases as a sigh.

“Makes you wonder why the fuck we even bother…”

“Because we can’t save them all, but we can still do our best.”

“I hate my best… it just never seems good enough.”

“It was good enough when you helped Dawn, me… it’s like Giles said, this isn’t our fault… doesn’t matter how crap we feel now, how useless… it’s evil’s fault, we just have to carry the burden.”

“Yeah… the job really is shit.” And her mouth does twitch a tiny bit for me. The deep brown of her eyes letting me fall fast inside for a moment, not blocking me with more tears. With thoughts of our failures.

I let my head rest on her shoulder, let my elbow collapse to bring me in close again. So many thoughts still screaming through my mind. Pricking at my conscience, ripping at my heart.

“I’m sorry I was so hard on you when you came back Faith, the things I said… the times I hit you…”

“Doesn’t matter B, it’s forgotten.”

Of course it isn’t. It hurts when someone calls you wrong, when someone calls you a whore and a liar. When they put voice to the things which haunt you inside. I can feel all of her ghosts in this room, and I know that I hurt her.

“It matters to me, I was wrong, I was stupid… forgive me?”

“You’re joking?”

“I’m really not.”

Her weight shifts underneath me and I move to give her room. Watch as she flits her gaze from wall to wall, not touching me, not resting on me, as if she is uncomfortable with what I just asked of her.

“That’s so fucking wrong, you can’t ask that…” Her hand raising to draw through her hair, her face twisting into something close to a snarl. “…Jesus, you can so not fucking ask that!”

“You don’t… you don’t forgive me?”

“Shut up B, yeah? Just shut the fuck up.”

And what happened to the safe feel of comfort? To placating tones and words of togetherness?

“‘Shut the fuck up?’ You maybe want to rephrase that?”

“No… no I don’t.” She swings her legs round and goes to sitting. Showing me her back, talking tough to the wall in front of her. “All those things that I did B… you remember them right? And we’re not talking mistakes are we? We’re talking the real nasty shit that I did because it felt ‘good’… and you want fucking forgiveness for calling me names? Are you stupid?”

“No, but if you don’t turn and calm it, I’m gonna be a little pissed…”

“I ain’t joking B.”

I dare to take the chance at touching her, at placing my small hand to her back, to her shoulder, to say the truth of the matter. What I should have said so long ago now.

“Faith, I forgave you for that… okay? I should have said it, god… I should’ve had the courage to feel it a long time ago, but don’t think that I don’t forgive you for it…” I want to say sorry again, I’m scared to say sorry again. “…turn around… please?”

“What changed?”

“What?”

She doesn’t turn, she speaks her question to the same wall. Same harsh tones.

“What changed? You didn’t forgive me before B, not when ‘I’ said sorry… so don’t say it now to fucking make me feel better, I don’t need that bullshit…”

And how do I answer that without more hurt? Without more of this pain that has us so tight within its hold. So firm in its grasp.

“I…” Yeah… I what? “…I did, but it’s… complicated.”

“Nothing’s ever fucking easy.”

“Faith, please stop? Please… turn around?”

I know my voice cracks on it, not on purpose, I want to be strong for her… I don’t want her to turn out of pity. My eyes springing leaks again as she does shift in her spot, as she turns ever so slightly to show me how much anguish can sit on her face.

“I didn’t expect it before, that was all… I didn’t, I didn’t know what to say… how to say it… I didn’t deserve…”

And I can’t make the words. I don’t understand the words. So jumbled and confused.

“You didn’t deserve what?”

“I didn’t deserve… you.”

“What the fuck?”

“I didn’t deserve you.”

She turns fully now, in fact she turns with that speed I have come to admire, with that body I have come to admire. And I have to tear my eyes away, have to hold in the gasp that seeing her again makes me take. Trying to compose myself, to speak the absolute truth of that absolute moment. It wasn’t about her, it was about me.

“When you came back Faith, god… wasn’t that just a slap in the face, seeing how good you had become…” She snorts derisively, and I refuse to hear it. Intent on making her hear me. “…and all that it did was confirm just how bad I had gotten, just how sick the things which I was doing were… all of it, not just him, but Dawn… my friends, watching you take the place that was meant to be mine…”

“I didn’t want to take your place.”

“I didn’t mean it like that… not in a bad way, in a good way… making them laugh again, giving them hope again… I felt it all, and then…”

Do I have the courage for this one? Can I speak the final truth?

“…and then, the way… the way that you made me feel, it felt wrong… I felt wrong.”

Her eyebrows are knitting so close together, such confusion at my mess of words.

“I made you feel wrong?”

“No, ‘I’ made me feel wrong… you made me feel better, and that was the hardest to accept. It wasn’t about forgiving you, it was about forgiving myself, I didn’t… I couldn’t…” I let out a sigh, a tiny little sigh. “…maybe I still can’t. But you I did forgive.”

“Oh.”

She still looks confused. Like she doesn’t understand. And I have to say, I have to be strong and brave, not for me, because I deserve it, but for her… because she deserves it.

“You made me feel… you made me feel love. I fell in love with you Faith, everything I had wanted to feel, everything I had missed since I crawled from the grave… and you made me feel it.” I draw my eyes away from her, so scared, as scared as I have ever been, my physical nakedness nothing as strong as how naked I feel telling her this. “And I knew how wrong that was, knew what a lie I was… I didn’t deserve to feel it, all I wanted and I didn’t deserve it.”

I pick myself up from the bed before she can speak to me. Finding a little space to pace across the floor, a little space to try and understand it all for myself.

“Come here B.”

Walking further away. The memory still so close… every time she touched me, every time he had touched me. A shadow across my heart as I think of just how much I am not worthy of her love in return. “I just wanted to be good enough for you Faith, I wanted to make myself good again… and now? Now I still feel less. It’s not you that’s not good enough, don’t you see that? It’s me… I’m the one that needs your forgiveness.”

“Buffy?”

I don’t hear that. I don’t stop pacing. Stamping out my refusal to let everything go.

“Will you stop, will you listen to me?”

Holding myself tense, holding myself taut. The strings of a bow, just waiting for her to come pluck me. Not giving her the come pluck me eyes though, just boring them into the floor, into the ground. Still so ashamed of myself.

I feel the air charge as she finds me, as her arms warm the chills which are seeping across my body. Not speaking to me, not yet… but holding me, holding me close as I find so many tears. For everything, for all of us. For the whole damn situation which feels worse than anything I have ever felt before. Stroking my back, stroking my hair, and promising that it is okay. Just hold on tight, it is okay. Feeling the loss as she pulls back, as air finds space between us… the fear of her leaving me like this, knowing I will never survive if she leaves me like this.

“Look at me?”

And I can’t. God knows I can’t.

“B… it’s only me, look at me, please?”

Trying to find more strength when I feel so weak. So beaten. Seeing the fall of tears which I made her cry. “I’m sorry Faith.”

“Shhh, it’s okay… just stop.”

I bite at my lip, clenching my eyes so tight to stem the flow. “I’m sorry.”

And now she smiles? She is smiling at me?

“You’re such a dope, I swear it… you are such a fucking dope.”

Her lips are on mine with the sweetness I long for, just soft, just gentle. Just for a fleeting moment until she pulls away again, to speak to me. To run her thumbs under my eyes and wipe at these tears. To wipe at the pain.

“You thought you weren’t good enough for me?”

“I know it.”

“Then you know shit B, serious… you know shit.” Her embrace is so warm as she pulls me back again. Her flesh burning against mine in ways which make my blood flow faster. Ways which affirm my life to me like nothing else. “All the time and I was eating myself up about being good enough for you… about being good enough for anyone, and you know, I think I finally figured it out…”

“You did?”

I pray that she did, that she has. That someone has the answer for us.

“Yeah, I did.” Her hold loosens enough so that her face looks into mine, so that the deep brown of her eyes has me captive in her gaze. “It’s not about good enough B, about any of the bad shit we did when we weren’t… together. It’s about here and now, about the only thing fucking mattering is that we’re good enough for each other. It’s about forgiving each other… accepting each other, it’s about loving each other.”

And can it be that easy? Can it really be that easy?

“It is?”

“Yes B, it is… it is because we say it is. It is because… damn it, don’t you know it? It is because I love you, I love you Buffy… do you get that? Do you understand that?”

It sounds like she’s pleading with me, when I thought that I was the one pleading with her. And god do I get it. Both of our doubts, our fears… our shortcomings. Our isolation. I get all of it. I understand all of it. I nod my head because I need a second to steady my voice. “I love you too Faith. I get it… I love you too.”

“And that’s good enough for you?”

“You’re good enough for me.”

Feeling it go through me with such stunning clarity. The chosen two. It makes so much sense. And I do show her the truth in my eyes now, the come pluck me feeling which is rising up through my soul, the need to affirm the greatest goodness that we have left. Not failure, not badness… but the two of us together. Nothing but strength to be found in the two of us together.

Her kisses chasing away the last of the feelings which had me crying tears, letting go of everything which told me I was wrong. The softness of lips, the feeling of fullness.

“I want to make love to you Buffy, can I do that?”

Oh god. My breath freezing in my throat with the intensity of her gaze. I have never been looked at this way, never felt this way. My body arching into hers with every affirmation that yes, she can make love to me. That she is probably the singly most qualified person on this planet to make love to me. Losing myself to the feel of her fingers sliding so gently across my skin, across the curve of my breast, making my muscles all tighten as she glides her way to my ass…

“Yes Faith… god yes.”

She sinks her mouth to mine, her body crushing into me, her pelvis grinding against me. And it stops me. It stops me so dead that I have to pull myself away from her, have to take this moment to show her just how dissatisfied I am with what I am feeling.

“B..?”

Oh you wanna look confused ‘miss still got my pants on’.

“Pants Faith… lose the god damn pants!”

And she looks down and finds a hearty sized chuckle, tucks her fingers into the waistband and shoots me a look of pure lust, absolute wanton lust.

“You sure? Cos I can keep to slow… I might fucking explode, but for you Buffy? Anything.”

And where does she find that voice, where did she learn to make her eyebrows dance like that? So suggestive as she taunts me with a nakedness so close.

“Lose the pants!”

“You getting aggressive with me?”

Turning just a little, sliding the top down across the tightest curve of ass I have ever seen. The wetness between my legs reminding me just how damn good it felt with her inside of me. Demanding that I do all that I can to bring her back to me.

“Faith…” Finding my own form of growl, of deep down huskiness.

“Yes Buffy?”

Sing songing it, her tongue running in delicious circles around her lips. And I can’t ask again, I can’t be passive when I want her so much. Crossing space before she can register my assault, my mouth crashing against hers in a desperate bid to make her mine. Completely mine. I had come here because I wanted her, because I straight out needed her… and now I would have her. My hands inside of shorts and tugging them down, finding a way to throw her to the bed like she had thrown me earlier, no time to stop and admire the pose, just aching with the absolute need to remove the last of the barriers. Almost primal in my taking of it, ripping shorts from her legs as if they were made of cotton candy…

And oh my god. Oh my good holy god…

“You’re incredible Faith… you are so beautiful…”

Knocking the wind from me. Her body just perfect in the way that it sits. From her face with the eyes that are shining right through me, to the shoulders, the breasts, the stomach which ripples as she moves herself up, the confidence with which she holds herself, the sexiest thing I have ever seen. As if she knows how good it is… and I understand now, I understand where she got that voice, what makes her eyebrows dance… she is just perfect. Letting my eyes linger as they find the prize which I covet, the junction of thighs so firm… the way that she spreads her legs so teasingly, so temptingly… opening herself up for me…

“Come here.”

But not moving, I swear I can’t move. Just one moment more, just this moment to imprint this view onto my memory so as I never forget, never forget the feeling which is flowing through every inch of my own body. I need her. I have to have her. I ache for her. Falling to my knees on the floor, because I have nothing else… my fingers almost nervously reaching out to touch… her feet jumping as I caress them in a pursuit to touch it all…

“That tickles…”

Not caring. Because I do have to touch. Her ankles so delicate, the skin across her calves so smooth… guiding me, pulling me up, making me find the end of the bed as the floor becomes too far away… glancing to see eyes which look at me so curiously, so intimately…

“I love you Faith.”

The only words which make sense as I lean down to kiss her, just the soft skin which hides beneath the bend of her knee… not stopping as I hear her intake of breath, letting my tongue rush forwards to lick at her thigh, just the tip… the slightest taste… pausing at a place I have never encountered, have never known I could want this much, never wanting anything this much…

“I love you.”

Feeling stronger with every breath, my mouth sucking at the flesh which marks the way to her hip, my own gasp falling as my breasts make contact with skin, as my nipples ache with the feel of touching her this way… the first to find the wetness which tells me that this is the right way. That she wants me to do this… that she’s loving me doing this. Kissing her navel, collecting the taste of her flesh as I make my way up, not being able to resist the pull of her own breasts, of those nipples which look so dark in the half light, so dark and so hard… calling at me to touch, to claim…

Her sighs drifting out as my fingers stroke so softly, so gently, a palm grazing, a barely there touch…

“Is this right Faith..? Is that good?”

Not pausing to hear, not stopping my mouth from wrapping tight around the dark brown of her skin, so different, so contrasting… her back arching up as I suck as hard as I can, as I take as much of this heavenly skin into my mouth as is possible, wanting to devour her… wanting to consume her.

“Fuck B… that feels so good… so fucking good…”

Her hands burying in my hair to pull me in tighter, her hips pushing up to mark me with her scent, the scent which fills the room, which breathes tight into my lungs. Pulling my head away to share the attention, another breast, another delight… fingers working hard to keep her moans falling, teeth nipping, tongue swirling. Feeling the shiver as her grip tightens on my head… demanding that I go to her, that I raise myself above her to find her lips…to give kisses, such deep wet kisses, my body forcing itself so hard against her. A rhythm unlike no other as she grinds herself up, as her pussy touches mine in a kiss I had never imagined to be this good, this intense… this so much more than heaven…

“I want you Faith…” Urgency in my tone, need fuelling my words. “…God I want you, I so want you…”

Her hand touching mine, bringing it the distance to the wetness which runs against her thigh, closing over it as she places me so firmly between her legs, the sparse thatch of hair feeling soft against my palm…

“Like this?”

Feeling the slide as my finger slips between folds, as she shows me how much pressure is the right pressure, the way that she wants me to touch her… needs me to touch her… her legs opening more as I move to see, as I cast my eyes to witness the sight of me fucking her, loving her… hips raising with unspoken want to have me inside. And I know that want, I have felt that want, and now I want nothing more than to satisfy her the same, to hear my name rasp out from that throat in tones which make me shiver with nothing but absolute desire…

“Oh fuck.”

Yes. The warmth of the feeling as I slide so easily inside of her, her hand still pressing tight against mine, her hips still bucking as she demands more from me… her voice pleading more, me giving more… two of my fingers disappearing as my eyes don’t move, captivated by the way she engulfs me… by the sight of my hand coating in her juice as I pull slowly in and out, my own private show. Her hand mingling with mine as I feel her fingers slipping alongside my own, her channel opening more as we fuck her together… still so controlled…

“Buffy..?”

Breathless, calling me, tearing my eyes away to see her.

“That feels so good, you feel so good…” Nothing able to stop the smile that those words produce, able to stop the way that I cast her hand aside, that I find the room to fill her with my own fingers… three of them buried so deep inside of her… and I forget controlled, there is no control to the way that she makes me feel… wanting to pound at her, wanting to rip screams from her lips, moans from her throat. My mouth going again to the darkness of her straining nipples, sucking as deep as I fuck her… in and out, solidly, firmly… my own demands that she gives it to me… I want her… I want everything.

“Yes, fuck yes…” Over and over as I slide inside her, my palm banging against her clit every time that her hips raise, losing anything but the feel of it… the strength in it, her fingers delving tight into my hair as she pulls me harder against her breast, riding my hand… and I want to scream myself, want to feel her… need to feel her…

“Faith… oh god…”

My pussy pushing out a rhythm on her thigh, aching with the pressure of feeling this good, of needing this much… and she gets it, pulling me to her, almost roughly, above her on my knees, the sounds of her pussy assaulting my ears, and I do scream. I scream out everything as her hand finds me, as her fingers bury inside me like I am inside of her, together… so fucking together…

“Oh yes… oh god…”

Feeling the tight grasp as my pussy convulses around her, coming before I even know what is happening… not able to stop the bite, my teeth from latching onto her skin as she draws more from me… my hand pushing deeper inside as I beg for her to give me the same… hips bucking, her head thrown back, my eyes catching the crease of her brow as she concentrates everything into this… and my name… my name falling from her mouth in sweet breathless panting…

“Fuck B… oh fuck… yes… oh god, Buffy…”

Her whole body tightening beneath me, the fingers inside of me making me nearly cry as she pushes them so tightly down onto the front of my inner walls, coming again as she comes for me… riding her as she rides me. And I barely notice as her other hand slides down again, as she holds my hand so tightly against herself, my palm grinding into her clit with so much force… so much want, feeling the flood as she explodes over me… contracting around me, god… it's so damn perfect… she is so damn perfect… riding it out, not breathing, just moving… just keeping this rhythm going as long as is possible… over and over, not even knowing where it comes from, how she keeps fucking me with my hand buried so deep in her pussy, how her hips can still move. Till I scream again, my ‘oh gods’ filling the room in such honest devotion. As her cries rise to join me, her hand moving away as she trusts me to fulfil her completely, instead grasping at the sheet, flying to my hip, holding me tight as we ride out the last of the climax… a climax like nothing I have ever felt… I didn’t know… god, I didn’t know it could feel this good. This right.

My body collapsing, her hand tearing from me as my body moves away, moves down, on top of her, covering her… my own fingers still content to move softly inside of her, my mouth finding a smile as I feel her throb all around me, shudders passing through her with every slight twist, every slight turn…

“Holy fuck B… holy fuck…”

And I don’t know if she means that the fuck is holy... but it certainly feels like something divine. Like something complete. Like something so much more than fucking. As she pants out her last, I let my elbow support me again to find my refuge in those deep brown eyes, losing the ability to speak in everything that I see. Everything that I feel.

“Do you know how special that was?”

And I can’t answer, I can only move my hand again to signal yes, move my mouth to smile as she gasps at the still close contact. The soft purr which sighs from the back of her throat as she reconfirms it.

“That was special… you’re special, Jesus B… I am in so in love with you.”

“Me too.” All I can manage. And she has to be the cocky one. Always the cocky one.

“You’re so in love with you too?”

But I can do cocky. I can move my fingers slowly in and out as she tries to trip me with my words, I can watch with delight the way that it stops her teasing tones.

“No Faith, I am so in love with you.” Softly pulling my hand away as I move myself to straddle her, to sit astride the woman that I love and shower her face with kisses. To let every touch be punctuated with more and more words to confirm it. And I am never ever going to stop, I will never stop with this loving her. Her words saying the same, her kisses meaning the same. Minutes which roll into more minutes as time passes us by in a daze. What is time when you have found such love?

And it makes it so rude to hear the turn of a key in the door, the slam of the door in its frame. The confusion it brings.

“What the fuck?” Having her moving from her place beneath me, grabbing at a t shirt, those shorts I had such fun removing.

“You expecting someone?”

“No damn way B.”

Straining my ears to hear as she leaves me to find my own set of clothes, tossing aside torn panties to feel the roughness of denim against all of the places that are feeling so tender now.

“Cordy..?”

“Hey you, surprise!”

“Angel?”

“Yeah, surprise again.”

Oh god. What a time for a reunion. It makes me rush to find the top which is fallen by the bedside, to try at calming my hair into something which might look respectable. Still hanging back to give them their greetings. Maybe a little embarrassed to have witnesses to this, what a moment ago was just so intimate.

“What… I don’t… what are you doing here?”

“Now that’s no way to spread a greeting Faith, you not pleased to see us?”

“Uh… sure, really, totally cool… but what? I don’t… did I know you were coming?”

I hear Angel’s tones. That calmness. The surety.

“Not a surprise if you knew we were coming, and we wanted to surprise you.”

“Well you got me.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Me Cor? Nothing wrong… why?”

“I don’t know… there’s something, you’re glowing… Angel, she’s glowing.”

And oh god again. I know I have to go out there. I know it, yet my feet won’t move.

“I wouldn’t say anything is wrong Cordy, in fact… Buffy?”

His voice raises as he calls me. Damn vampire senses. Damn vampire noses!!

I feel my cheeks flushing in so many ways as I leave the sanctuary of the bedroom. As I confirm for his eyes what he already knew. “Err… hi guys.”

I try for perky smile. A little wave of these fingers which are still coated in Faith.

“Oh wow… I was gonna tell you it was time to saddle up Faith, I guess you already got that covered.”

“Sweet Cor, really… you been hanging at the comedy club again? I told you about that, you ain’t got the stage presence.”

“Who needs it, when my lines are so good?”

And I just wanna crawl quietly away. Maybe find a nice little cave somewhere, live out my days without those eyes which are already looking to tease me.

“Looks like I don’t need to ask if you missed me, I had figured on something closer to sombre…”

“Don’t fuck about Cordy, you don’t know what it’s been like.”

My feet take me to her as I hear the tone in her voice, the way that the hurt rises so quickly to the surface. I want to touch her, want to reassure her, want to do it all without it being under the studying form of their gazes.

“Come on girls, play nice.”

“She started it.”

“So mature Faith.”

“Bite me.”

“By the mark on your neck I’d say Buffy took care of that already.”

“Cordy, leave her alone…”

“No it’s cool Angel, let her bring it on…” I just shake my head as she cracks her knuckles. Catch Angel’s eyes for the first time and offer a small smile.

“Are they always like this?”

“Mostly, it’s like a love hate thing.”

“Yes, I hate her and she loves me.”

“In your dreams Prada girl.”

“This is Gucci, learn your labels slayer.”

And I shake my head again, move past them to sit myself down on the sofa. I want to get past this, get to the reason that they are here, slap bang in the middle of the night.

“Angel?” He turns to join me, takes a seat opposite me. “So are you here for the banter or is there a deeper meaning?”

“You know me, always a deeper meaning.”

It seems our move has tempted the other two away from the friendly jibes, making them come to join us, Cordy on the couch, Faith finding a place to stand and observe us all.

“So what’s the what? You got some shit in the city you need a little slayer help with?”

“No… nothing like that.”

“So…?”

“So Faith here finally got her wish.”

I look to Cordelia, wonder at her words. Look to Faith and see the way that she is eyeing me. Hungrily.

“Not wrong there sweet cheeks.”

And does she have to give her ammunition?

“Keep it in your pants horn dog, I meant the other wish… the visionary kind.”

“No shit? You got the tinglies all for me?”

“Yes, and believe me, you in my head is just as annoying as you anywhere else.”

“Aw, you hurt me.”

“No, you hurt me… I had to take a handful of Advil just to get through the pain.”

I try and follow them, I really do. But god, can they not shut up? Just for a minute, just so I can know what needs to be known.

“Guys… seriously, can we not try at making sense for a minute?”

“Good plan Buffy, now Cordy… are you going to break the news or shall I?”

“You think I’m gonna let you steal the fun after I had the vision? Not a chance big guy!” She shoots him a wink, a soft and sexy wink. Turns her attention back to me. To Faith. “I had a vision…”

“Yeah, we got that…”

“Faith.”

She looks at me contrite. Bites her lip to keep her mouth shut.

“As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted… I had a vision, it seems there’s a witch that needs a small spot of rescuing.”

“Wills?”

I feel the fear envelop me… god, if anything has happened to her whilst I have been here, then that’s it. I quit. I can’t take anymore.

“No, and wow… I really did have you pegged for a little more clever.”

“Cordy!”

“It’s okay Angel, she’s got thick skin.”

“Hey! I moisturise!”

And now I’m at it too. Drawn into the banter when all I want is to hear the truth of the vision.

“Then you need to moisturise a little more, I can see the frown lines coming…”

I reach my hand up to my head, not believing that I even listen to her. I know how caustic her tongue can be, how quick her mind works.

“Quit the shit girlfriend, what’s the deal with the witch… it’s Tara right?”

“Ding, ding… give my girl a prize!”

They share a look, a smile, and I wanna protest that she’s ‘my’ girl. I don’t though, I bite my tongue and I wait… feel something stirring in my heart, something that feels like hope. Like belief.

“Get to the facts Cor, I’ll take my prize later.”

“Seems like the big bad stinking lump of leechy can’t digest a soul with so much goodness… she doesn’t taste evil enough, I would go as far as to say not a bad bone in her body…”

“Holy crap…”

“I second that… I mean, really… Tara’s… alive?”

“Well as far as the PTB let me know, then yes… I’d say a little weak and disorientated, probably needs a solid meal or two… but yes. Alive and kicking. She needs you guys, she needs Willow.”

And my god. I don’t know what to do, I turn my eyes to Faith, see the exact same feeling… like a second chance. Like absolute jubilation.

“You up for a rumble B?”

“I… wow… like, how?”

“Simple, like I said… she’s stuck in there, the thing can’t digest her, she can’t get out… you need to get mojo girl to open up the portal, it’s your job to get her out.”

I stand without thinking, I have to feel her arms, I have to give her mine. Going to her in a rush that has us meeting in the middle, her whoops, my whoops, laughter, maybe tears. I share it all with Faith.

“Wait… tell them everything Cordy. They have to know everything.”

And that sounds a little too ominous.

“So there’s a little danger, where’s the fun without the danger?”

“Cordy, tell them.”

I drop my hand to find Faith. Feel as her fingers curl tight against mine. Nothing that we can’t face. Nothing stronger than us, than what we are together.

“There’s a chance that going in there could… uh… kill you.”

“You fucking what?!”

“I know, it’s where the headache came from I think… it’s the leech, the Hiru… the erm…”

“Hirudo Beluosa.”

“Yeah, what Angel said… it sucks out evil, it feeds on evil… if you’ve got darkness in you, then this thing is gonna find it…”

“Oh.”

I feel her hand break from me now. Watch as she goes to isolate herself across the room from me. And I won’t have it. I can’t have it. I need her. It’s where my strength is.

“Faith…”

“No B, it’s cool right? I’ve got the dark soul, you’ve got the light one… this is your gig now, I’ll just… I dunno, I’ll cheer you on, provide refreshments.”

Angel rises from his seat, goes to comfort my girl, to speak to her in the calming way which he finds so easily. “Come on kid, stop it… you know this isn’t about that. You were in the vision, you have a job to do.”

“Don’t call me kid, I’m not a fucking kid.”

“And you’re not full of darkness.”

“Then why all the worry, why the ‘tell them Cordy’?”

“Because both of you need to know what you are up against, how bad it is what you’re facing.”

I speak up, use my own voice. “We know Angel, we saw it… we can handle it, both of us, together.”

“I hoped you’d say that… and now we have to go and see Willow.”

“Now?”

I look to the clock, register the time at after midnight. Realise that yes, now is the right time. She won’t be sleeping, and she needs to know. I turn to them again, let my eyes match the honest tone of my voice. “Guys..?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I… when we get there, can I tell her? Will you let me tell her?”

Because I need to tell her. I need to be the one to tell her.

“You wanna steal my thunder? Jeez, what is it with you?”

“Please Cordy..? Please?”

“Of course you can Buffy, Cordy won’t mind at all.”

And I watch them exchange another look. See the closeness that resides there. Confirm for myself what I had already been told. It makes me smile. Everything in this room makes me smile. Hell… everything in this life is making me smile right now.

“So we motoring or what? This girl wants to get her groove on.”

“Change you shorts first Faith, they’re inside out.”

Her eyes fly down, and no they are not. Making her flip Cordy the finger, making her go to the bedroom with me so close behind. My shoes are in there. My girl is in there.

“Hey.”

“You toss me some pants B, from the closet?”

I grab a pair of jeans, tight jeans, jeans which will nestle her ass in the most amazing way. Throwing them to her, watching as she pulls off the shorts and wriggles her way into them. Letting my eyes devour every second that her flesh is on show to me.

“I look okay?”

“You look amazing.”

And her eyebrows dance again, my pulse dances again. Not moving as she saunters her way over to me, as her lips pause in the instant before a kiss.

“I love you B, you know that?”

“I know that.”

And then the kiss. So soft. So deliciously sweet. So distracting from the things which we are supposed to be doing.

“HEY! You guys going for seconds in there?”

“No Cor, thirds… give us a minute okay?”

And now laughing as she rolls her eyes at me. Places a final chaste kiss against the top of my forehead.

“I guess we should go.”

“Hell yeah, this day just keeps getting better and better B, I thought it was perfect before, now it's just wicked perfect.”

“Wicked perfect?”

“Sure thing, look it up… it means really good.”

“You are such a smart ass.”

“Hot ass.”

“That too.”

“GUYS!”

“We’re coming!”

And we are. Linking hands again as we leave the room. Ready to go home, to face Willow, to bring them all together and to let them know that the world didn’t end. That the world isn’t over. And we won’t fail again.

I’m not even scared, I have never felt more brave. It doesn’t matter what Cordy says, nor the ominous tone of Angel’s voice. None of it matters. All that matters is that Tara is alive and Tara needs us… and most of all, we are going to bring her home. I am absolutely sure of it.

CHAPTER 29.

POV Buffy.

Lying in a vast empty bed, with nothing but the cold crispness of sheets to keep me company, to wrap me in an embrace which does nothing to stem the fast flow of my thoughts. I try and focus on the things which I know, on the memories that are real, everything to keep my mind from wandering to the fear of the unknown, to the journey that I will have to take tomorrow. I have been to heaven, and not ever have I wanted to go to hell. But then, what is want, when you weigh it up against duty?

Laying here now, it feels like want is everything. Like my arms are aching with the emptiness of not feeling her close to me. Not having her to hold like I want to be holding her. Each second of waiting, feeling like an endless hour of unmet desire.

Darn pesky hormones! I’ll be writing sonnets soon!

I just… god, I just can’t forget the feeling of being so close to her. Of finding a level of satisfaction that I didn’t even know that I needed. And I want to feign shocked, I wish that I could, but I just feel kind of stupid… like I spent so long denying what she could mean to me, what she did mean to me, that I wasted more time than when I was lying dead in the ground. Time is precious. I’ve learnt that, I don’t want to waste anymore time.

The car journey home tonight had felt like time eternal. I was so anxious, so excited, my heart was still pounding from the recent… hmmm, exertions? Yes, from that wonderful feeling of physical exertion… that it seemed to take forever to get home. Even the walk up the path feeling like a marathon in the hot Cali sunshine. The cool air of the house had been a relief, home at last. The soft light of a lamp being all that lit the room, Giles caught in the warm glow, glasses in hand, squinting those aging eyes at another Latin text. Someone else still looking for answers. I couldn’t wait to tell him that we had one. That we weren’t beaten, not yet. He had smiled as he looked up, as he took in me and Faith.

“Girls, I didn’t expect to see you tonight… is everything, okay?”

“Oh, I’d say more than okay, G-man… I’d say it’s party time!”

He had found confused then, rising from the chair, eyes narrowing as he ran his gaze slowly over us.

“Party time, Faith? Am I missing something?”

“Hey Giles, I’m back!”

“Cordelia?”

“Giles.”

“Angel..?” It was funny to see his face trying to comprehend why we had all turned up in the middle of the night, wearing grins which clashed with every sad feeling permeating the deathly silent house. “Is there a reason for this sudden reunion?”

Turning his eyes to me, expecting sense. You would have figured he would’ve learnt by now. “Of course there’s a reason Giles! Not that we need a reason, it’s always nice to have friends drop by, especially old friends… even in the middle of the night, even when you're just learning the finer intricacies of…”

“Of taking a breath. Can it B, I’ve got this.”

I had flushed embarrassed, it was just so hard to order thoughts with her standing right next to me, so aware of her presence now, of the measured rise and fall of her chest. Of how her breaths had sounded so ragged in the moment before she came, gasping at air, calling my name. It was impossible to order thoughts.

“It seems we’ve got a bit of a sitch Giles, it’s a long story…”

“I had a vision, Tara’s alive, she needs rescuing.”

“Excuse me?”

“What she said Giles…” I tried again to make sense. “…Cordy had a vision, Tara’s still alive… she needs rescuing.”

And I failed again. It made me mentally zip my lips, offer a little smile instead.

“Right, thank you Buffy, most helpful… does anybody else have anything to add?”

“The Hirudo Beluosa feeds upon the darkness in the human soul, it feasts upon it, Cordy had a vision… it seems that Tara has nothing for the leech to suck upon, she’s still alive.”

It had taken Angel’s official tone to get the information out, sending Giles’ eyes wide with the news, feelings glistening as it sank through to his conscious. “Well that’s… I mean, bloody hell. That’s quite extraordinary.”

“That’s an understatement Giles, it’s fucking awesome, is what it is.”

“Quite Faith, my sentiments exactly.”

I hadn’t been able to hold it in any longer, I had thrown myself into my watcher’s arms, knowing that he would understand what this meant to me, more than saving Tara, a chance to absolve the failure. I hadn’t even heard as Dawn’s footsteps padded softly upon the stairs, bringing her down to stand in amongst us, to cast her own tired eyes in confusion around us all.

“Do you know what time it is?”

“Hey kiddo, did we wake you?”

“No… but it’s still really late… and there’s more of you.” She let a huge smile split her face as her eyes rested on Cordy. “You’re back! Oh wow, this is SO great! Not great, great, everything here really sucks… but you’re back!”

Flinging herself into Cordy’s arms, forcing the normally so hard girl, to show her softer side, the side that makes my little sister so happy. “Hey Dawn, I missed you too… I bought you a gift back, a nice pair of shoes…”

“Oh my god, you got me new shoes?!”

“With heels.”

It sealed the deal. She screamed as loud as any damsel in distress. Practically squealing. Bringing someone else into our midst, someone who wasn’t understanding a need for smiles, for anything other than tears and pain.

“What’s going on… what the hell is going on?”

“Ah Willow, quite timely of you… it seems there’s some…”

“Giles, wait.”

I had stepped forwards, gone to the stairs and waited with my hand out. Terrified as the seconds passed and she didn’t move, as her eyes refused to meet mine in anything but short harsh glances.

“Please Will?”

Cracking over the words. Feeling my throat constrict as she went to walk around me.

“Hey Red, you might wanna take a seat.”

“I can stand, I like standing… now the joke? Guys? Because I really need a joke, I really need to know what can make everyone laugh so hard, whilst my heart is still breaking… please?”

Green eyes icy cold as they did meet mine in that moment. Accusing. Recriminating.

“Oh for crying out loud! Take a seat Willow, we’ve got good news…” Cordy flicked her eyes quick to me, shrugged her shoulders in apology. “…your honey pies alive, you can stop with the heart breaking heaviness… Tara’s okay.”

“No…” Stepping back from us, her eyes flying wide, head shaking. “…you’re lying…”

Dawn’s own eyes flying wide with the news. I was going to go for more subtle, ease them in gently, give them a second to breathe. I raised my brow at Cordy, chastised her silently for breaking her word. For not letting me break the news.

“It’s the truth Red, I swear it… Tara’s okay. She needs us.”

“She needs us..? But… how, impossible, I don’t… she’s… why are you saying that? Buffy?”

And she turned to me. Maybe she didn’t think about it, maybe it was just a reaction, but she turned to me. Asked for my confirmation that the world wasn’t over. That the sun still burnt brightly, that everything wasn’t dead.

“Tara’s alive.”

“Oh goddess…”

Catching her in my arms as our pain was lost in a tight embrace, her words over and over, praising at goddesses, at gods, at anyone she could think to thank for offering her this salvation. A chance at life. She had even found enthusiastic hugs for Cordy and for Angel, no one missing out on the feeling of absolute joy. A moment that you could barely even wish for. Eventually calming, her quick mind and intelligence fighting for dominance over emotion. Needing to know the facts, needing to make a plan, not needing to hear the part that she would have to play again. Such fear in her tone as she realised what was required of her.

“But I can’t… don’t you understand? I can’t do that… I can’t do magic, I can’t open the portal… I just can’t… I can’t do it.”

“It’ll be okay Wills, we’ll be there… we’ll all be there, nothing bad will happen.”

“You can’t know that… you don’t know what it’s like, what the darkness feels like Buffy.” She had wrapped her arms tight around her own body, softly rocking, biting at her lips. “What if I can’t control it? What if I… what if I lose you? I can’t do it.”

“You won’t lose us Red… you just have to believe it, we believe in you… Tara would believe in you.”

“I lost Tara.”

“And now you have to find her… you know you can do it. I know you can do it.”

Never loving Faith more than I had in that moment. The way she had gone to her, had knelt in front of her and assured it to her eyes. Not wavering in her glance. Solid and firm. “You can do it.”

“But I don’t know how… Warren said the words, I just let it happen… he used my power…”

“We’re already on that one Willow, Wesley is bringing some transcripts we have in LA. We wanted to get here straight away, he’ll be up in a few hours… tomorrow. We can do it whenever you’re ready.”

Her head finding a slow nod. A confirmation that she would try. “Thank you Angel.”

“Don’t mention it, I owe you one.”

“You… owe me one? Did I miss something?”

I wondered the same. I couldn’t remember any old debts that needed settling.

“I do. I’ve been there remember, where Tara is...”

“And you owe me one why? It was Buffy that sent you there…”

“You sent me there with my soul. With my heart… I never would’ve made it through without that, without the spell. I don’t know what saved me, what brought me out, but I felt my soul every step of the way.”

“Oh… right, well don’t mention it! Anytime.”

She flushed a little with his thanks. Regressing back to the shy school girl that he was thanking. The fledgling witch. It softened the room, allowed us to get to the important stuff. What we were going to do, how we were going to do it. A phone call was made to Xander, sharing the good news, absolutely assuring that we didn’t need him and Anya to come over right away. That tomorrow would be soon enough. We had all heard his shouts of happiness down the phone, his excitement and his joy. We all felt it. It was crazily infectious.

Endless chatter taking us into the early hours, not long till daylight, everyone desperately needing some rest for the morning. For what we would be doing. I had cradled Dawn’s head on my lap, stroked the hair from her eyes as she strained to keep them open, to keep witnessing exactly what hope looked like.

“Come on you, I think it’s time to call it an evening.”

“But Buffy…”

“No buts, bedtime.”

And she didn’t even have the energy to argue. I would have to remember that. Keep her up all night every night, never another disagreement. Allowing her the five minutes to wrap her arms around everyone in a hug. Finally trudging the stairs with a complete lack of energy.

“She’s really grown Buffy, how’s she doing?”

“Oh she’s good Angel, well… she’s good now, ask me a couple of months ago and I wouldn’t have been able to answer. But she’s good now. She’s gonna be okay.”

“It sure helps that she has some style now.”

“Yes Cordy, thanks so much for the obsession with the expensive towering shoes…”

“You should try them, you could use a little height.”

And I bit my tongue. Just smiled sweet. I felt like I owed her a lot.

“Well it’s time for me to get going, the sun's going to be coming up soon…”

“It really is isn’t it?”

Willow’s tone so hopeful, her eyes spilling with the knowledge that everything wasn’t lost.

“Yes Will, it really is.”

All of us standing then to say goodbye to them. Not knowing who the them was going to be. Whether Faith would turn to go from me. If I had the voice to speak up and ask for her to stay. I had watched as she fidgeted, as she hung back and let Cordy and Angel take first hugs and handshakes, first words of ‘see you tomorrow’. And then she had been in front of me, unsure eyes meeting mine. Eyebrows arching in a question, in request.

“So is the offer to stay, still on the table?”

“You wanna stay on the table?”

“Cute.”

“Of course it’s still there… it’s extra there.”

“It’s, ‘extra there’?”

Eyes twinkling, soft lips twitching.

“Uh-huh, look it up… it means, erm… please stay?” Because I lost witty puns, and quick witted come backs. I didn’t want them. I just wanted her. Please stay, was exactly what it meant.

“I like a girl with nice manners, all please and thank you…”

“Oh Jesus, you like girls with hot asses Faith! Now are you coming or what?”

“With you? No. I’m gonna stay here, keep an eye on everyone…”

I let my mind trail off before her words did. Not hearing them, just stepping back as they said their goodbyes. Barely registering Angel’s cool embrace, Cordy’s hand on arm. Just lost in the knowledge that I wouldn’t be alone here tonight. That I wouldn’t be lost in a bed which I didn’t feel safe in. Could barely bring myself to slip between the covers of.

“You okay Buff? It’s all pretty crazy right?”

“Yeah Will, good crazy…” Able to concentrate everything into her. Breathing softly out as she let me find her arms at last, as it felt like she forgave me a little. “…I promise we’ll bring her back. I promise I won’t let you down.”

“You didn’t let me down, it just hurt… it all just hurt.”

And I would let her say it, would pretend that she truly meant it. But we had all been letting each other down lately. This would spell the end of it. No more let downs, no more bad times. We would bring Tara home and we would all find a way back to happiness. I was hanging onto that thought so hard. Bidding goodnight until it was just me and Faith. Just her body being picked up by the still soft light of the lamp. Holding herself still, waiting for me to break the silence.

“You were great with Wills tonight.”

“It was nothing, she was just scared… I pushed her past it. Made her see what was important.”

“Well, you did it wonderfully. You know, you should like social work or something… you have a way with people…”

Raising my eyebrows as she let out a loud laugh. “No way B, what I would counsel in? Being dysfunctional?”

“I’m not joking, really… why not? You could counsel kids, maybe at the high school…”

“Whoa, back up there, I ain’t got no wish to go back to high school, in fact right now, the only wish I have is to get a shower and get to bed…”

But the thought was in my head. I was thinking it through again now. And I couldn’t see why not… I bet they employ anyone at public schools, and Wills could vamoose the little Juvenile detention thing… and jobs were important. Yes. Jobs which you don’t go to for days on end, hoping that end of the world would be a valid enough excuse to have absence. I had ignored the lure of the Doublemeat Palace in favour of trying to survive, and I knew that Faith wouldn’t be the only one having to find a job in the future.

Maybe we could work together. Maybe Anya’s idea of getting paid for slaying wasn’t really that mercenary. Cordy had told me a little about making money from Angel investigations… maybe we could do that? Maybe we could be the small town branch of the big city operation. We could liase… share resources. We could help them, they could help us…

“Hey, what ya thinking about?”

Oh how that voice makes me shiver. Instantly warming, cold sheets nothing anymore as her presence heats up my blood.

“About how incredibly much I missed you whilst you were showering.”

“Aw, that’s all kinds of sweet B. I did invite you to share…”

Eyebrows wiggling, my eyes not looking. No. My eyes are drawn to the clasp of her hand on the front of the towel, on the droplets of water that fall from her hair to run down her skin.

“Are you spazzing out?”

“Huh?”

“I asked why you didn’t wanna share?”

“Oh, right. I did… but you know, with the nakedness factor… the wet factor…” And she drops her towel. Just like that. Showing me naked, showing me wet. “…the you factor.”

Eyes roaming tight over curves, breath catching heavy with the feeling.

“You could have washed my back B, I could’ve washed yours…”

And I can’t think or function. I can only nod. Can only bring myself up to sitting as she comes closer to the bed. Feeling over dressed in PJ’s as her nakedness keeps me speechless.

“…you could’ve towelled off my hair, made sure I was dry…”

My mouth is dry. It is the only place that is dry.

“…but then I wouldn’t be able to do this.”

This? Not moving as she crawls up the space till she’s close enough to touch. Her chest rising and falling, her mouth barely open, eyes demanding that I don’t move. I won’t move. I ask softly.

“Do this?”

“Yeah B, this.”

Her smile spreading, as she leans closer. Her head shaking, water spraying. And WHAT!?

“Faith!”

Her hands going to my wrists, holding me down, spreading the freezing droplets of water all over my face.

“Ugh, stop it! I mean it… let me up…”

Hearing her laughter, the tease of her tone. “No way girlfriend, you want up, you’re gonna have to bargain… what’s it worth?”

Bargaining? I could do that.

“What do you want Faith?”

“I can have whatever I want? You mean that?”

“Anything.”

Barely a whisper, all that my voice can find. Becoming aware of her body sitting naked across me. Of the layer of clothing that is stopping me from feeling her. Catching as her gaze gets the same. As play becomes so much more than just finding fun.

“And what if I want you?”

Eyes burning so deep.

“I was hoping you’d want me.”

Not caring now as her wet hair surrounds me, cold water framing my face as her lips trip lightly to find mine. Soft whispering kisses that fall slowly across my skin.

“I want you.”

Groaning as her tongue delves deep inside my mouth, still holding me below her, aware of all these points of contact. Needing to feel her.

My breathing is erratic as she moves down my body, as she bites at my nipples beneath the cotton of my vest, as her fingers slide slowly down my arms to speed down my sides. Skin. Fingers on skin.

“Oh god, Faith.”

Her mouth so hot as it slides against my navel, following the path of those fingers as she edges the vest away. As she clears a path for me. Makes it easier to breathe, lifting my head to bid goodbye to the barrier. Smiling as she tosses the top to the floor, as she grins herself at what she sees.

“I ain’t never gonna tire of this sight B.”

Making my breasts strain forwards to feel her touch, my arms collapsing as she comes in close again. Sucking at air as she sucks at me. Fingers, lips… all of it so consuming. Burning through me, raging through me. The chill which brings shivers when she pulls back to blow a breeze, to tease my nipples into standing taut for her, growling at the sight, attacking me with renewed vigour. Those lips which were so soft, pulling so hard at my skin. Down along the sides of my body, hands reaching the waistband of bed clothes, growling again.

“Too many clothes.”

Agreeing with her. “Yes, too many…”

My ass lifting high as she seeks to remove them, pulling her body back on its haunches, tossing them aside and now just sitting. Just looking. Her eyes practically penetrating me with the intensity of the gaze.

“I wanna taste you B, I am so fucking dying to taste you.”

And I feel the spasm, feel the tremor that slides through me as she rasps out those words. God do I want her to kiss me that way, dying myself to feel her lips wrap around me, her tongue slide inside of me. “Faith…”

My legs slipping open to her as her fingers graze the insides of my thigh. Her mouth just behind, hot air falling heavy against my exposed naked pussy. “Ages I dreamt of this Buffy… how sweet you would taste, how hot…”

I know that I have to bite hard on my lip, I have to squeeze everything into not crying out in this moment. The first sensation as I feel her tongue touch me… Jesus, so good… her hands finding a grip on my hips as she teases me further open. Slowly up and down, barely there pressure…

“Oh god… more… please…”

Pleading because I have to, I need so much more.

Practically crying as she pulls away. “More? I’m just getting started.”

Raising my head to meet her eyes and seeing so much. The lust, of course the lust… but the love. It is so god damn sexy, so heat enthusing. It fills me with a confidence, the ability to speak words I would cringe at in daylight. To let my hands travel down to wrap up in her hair. To pull her tight against me.

“I need more.”

“Oh fuck…”

And yes… oh fuck. So tight against me, her mouth sucking my pussy hard, her tongue thrusting forwards to trace out harsh patterns, to apply the kind of pressure I have dreamt of so often. Naughty dreams where I would hold her face to my pussy and scream for hours as I demanded she fulfil me.

I couldn’t scream here, instead grabbing at a pillow for a breath of respite, somewhere to let the sounds get lost. My hips bucking unmercifully as I feel just how fucking fantastic it is to have dreams coming true. Almost true, knowing there will not be hours of this, already streaming down my thighs… my pussy quivering as her fingers seek me out too. Not even knowing until I feel her thrust hard inside of me. A squeal escaping, making her head break away… making me protest at the loss…

“Quiet B, gotta watch the volume…”

Her finger teasing me with its solid assault of firmly in and out. Accentuating each word, making it so hard.

“I… god Faith… I can’t…”

Burying my head as she touches me with her mouth again, feeling my clit disappear between lips, hard sucking, hard fucking… losing my grasp in sheets, in her hair, against the pillow… just moving, not knowing, trying to keep a hold on it… a lid on it… another finger, another thrust…

“Yes, Oh Faith… that’s it… yes…”

And more pressure. Pressure I can barely stand. Calling me out, forcing me to ride harder, to grasp harder… oh god… so close, hands so tight in hair now, holding her prisoner… yes… there…

Screaming. Not muffled by a pillow, not silenced by anything. Just this feeling breaking free. The feeling as her tongue buries so firm inside of me, drinking from me… hot cum rushing forward to meet her. And god, there is so much, my body convulsing over and over as she keeps up the feeling. Matching me breath for breath, second for second. Not stopping until I stop, until my bodily finally drops from the pinnacle she had taken me to, until my words are begging for relief, a moment to recover. To process.

“Oh god Faith… wait, please? Just a moment…”

“Mmmmm.”

Humming against the most sensitive clit I have ever felt. Making me buck, squirm. Shudder softly as more of a climax slides through me.

“Oh god, that’s… Faith… stop!”

And pulling her head away with a grasp that has stayed firm. Meeting her eyes, falling into those eyes.

“Hey, watch the hair!”

“Just shut up and kiss me!”

Because I need her kiss. I need those swollen looking lips dripping new tastes against mine. Wanting to know how seductive the taste of me on her is. How hot it makes me. How content it has made me.

“You’re being all aggressive again B, I like it.”

“I said kiss me.”

Pouting as she takes her time to follow my order, letting her still wet hair trail lines across my skin, my flesh goosing up under the touch. Kissing me all over, my whole body flaming as her lips softly claim me, as she takes her own time to meet my lips. To hold herself flush against me. And that smile again. I love that smile.

“Hey.”

“You wanted a kiss?”

“I do… I want a kiss.”

A soft chaste kiss. Placing it almost in reverence against my lips, looking at me in almost awe. “I love you Buffy.”

And my breath catching. Because she is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen, and she speaks the most beautiful words I have ever heard. Have ever felt.

“I love you too.”

But her smile says she already knows that. Of course she knows that. Her mouth kissing me harder now, sliding the new taste of me deep between my lips. And it IS so sexy, so hot. So nothing I would’ve imagined before. It makes my hips move to touch her, to place my scent all against her, my pussy demanding that I share the taste with hers. A slow rhythm, a gentle rhythm. A rhythm to bring whispered sighs, the walls still shaking with the earlier screams.

“That was amazing… is everything you do so amazing?”

Her eyes burning into me. Her rhythm pushing harder, her body tensing as she carries me away. Like a tickle at first, flesh touching flesh in just the right places. Sliding against each other, grinding against each other. And I hold on tight, bear the pain as her teeth find the place to mark my shoulder, sucking me, biting me. Her whole body tensing as her pussy climaxes hard against mine. Ragged harsh breathing. Just lying here together letting the heat of our bodies match the heat of desire.

And my brow cooling now as the time ticks by. As the sun dares to find the gap between a curtain. Illuminating the bed. Illuminating the clock. And god, it’s like breakfast time. My stomach rumbling beneath Faith as I have the thought.

“You sound hungry B…”

Her head not moving from where it lays against my shoulder still, her eyes slid to shut.

“I’m tired.”

“Mmmmm.”

“You gonna move over? Let me get some blood flow?”

“Nope.”

Her eyes still not opening, her mouth twitching. And I don’t need to ask her. I just roll her from me, onto the coldness of fresh sheets, exposing her front to the chill of morning air.

“Cold!”

And what is it with the one word communication now?

“Well get under the covers… come on.”

Lifting the sheets and taking her inside. The room not so empty with her lying next to me. The ghosts not so obvious as she pulls me in tight. Kisses the top of my head and whispers goodnight. I wanna say good morning. I say nothing. I just lay here and listen. The slow sound of heavy measured breathing. I know I won’t sleep, I still have the thoughts to order. The fear to quell. And I still have the nightmare, the sound of what lies beyond the portal. The sound of hell.

It makes me hold tighter, makes me measure my own breathing into long soothing breaths. I listen to her heart and I let it calm me. Remember the strength, the joy of a second chance. And I watch the sunrise. A sun that hasn’t died.

*****

“Hey… time to wake up…”

A sound far away, a tickle across my lips.

“B..? Come on sleepy head.”

And my eyes slowly opening. Faith all dressed, all full of smiles. All of it for me.

“Hey you.”

“Hey yourself.”

“What time is it?”

“Not too late, just after ten, everybody’s up.”

“I didn’t mean to sleep.”

Her lips pressing softly against mine as she keeps up the smile. “You needed to sleep, I wanted to let you sleep.”

“Thank you.”

“No, thank you.”

I show her a little confused, after all, I haven’t done anything.

“For letting me stay B, I’ve never been much of a stayer, I kinda liked it.”

“You ‘kinda’ liked it?”

Losing myself in the taste of minty fresh as she shows me just how much ‘kinda liked it’ means. It feels like a lot, it feels like I never want her to leave again. It feels so good as my fingers seek out the places that she has covered with clothes, teasing across the skin of her back, making her gasp out restraint.

“You better quit that girlfriend.”

“I had? Cos I wasn’t planning on it.”

“Unless you wanna give the neighbours a second listen of the slayer sex show, then yeah… you better quit.”

And what?

“The neighbours?”

“You screamed pretty loud… hell, I think I may have screamed pretty loud.”

“Oh god… oh my god.”

My gaze falling to take in the room as I remember exactly where I am. Who’s bed I lie in. “Wills is going to kill me!”

“Nah, I think she’s kinda impressed, way too excited to care about bed swapping.”

And I do stop the fingers from travelling, lifting myself up to sitting as I consider death from embarrassment. It feels like a valid option. Way better than getting myself up and facing their glances.

“My god, what about Dawnie..? Could I be a worse sister? She’ll think I’m a hussy!”

“No way, she’ll just think that you’re happy. Don’t knock it, the kid needs to see happy.”

“I don’t think she needs…” And what were her words? “…a ‘slayer sex show’, I’m pretty sure she can cope fine without that one… I mean, I barely have the money for the house, I can’t afford therapy!”

“She’ll be fine, trust me. Knowing that her sister gets her naughty on, it isn’t the worst thing ever… at least I have a pulse, right?”

And I can’t believe she just said that. Eyebrows all teasing, finding a banter that makes things okay.

“Yes, Faith. You have a pulse… plus a great pair of breasts, a hot as hell ass… I’m sure her counsellors will be ecstatic, I’ll get sister of the year.”

“You like the breasts B? And the ass?”

“You’re missing the point!”

But maybe I’m not. I’m just falling into her eyes as she slips the cover slowly down over my body, as she exposes my skin to the cool feel of the morning air, her grin spreading ever wider. Not touching, just looking, making me flush from the study.

“You see something ‘you’ like?”

“I told ya B, I ain’t ever gonna tire of this view.”

Smiling at her words, squealing as she jumps up and pulls the covers straight from me. “Faith!”

“What?” So innocent. “You gotta get up, the others are on their way, it’s a busy day B, you can’t spend it in bed.”

“I’m gonna get you for that.”

“I can’t wait.”

Her eyes just dancing for me, laying herself back and watching me gather up my discarded garments. And I’m trying to ignore her, trying to put my clothes back on with all sorts of dignity. Pulling a brush through my hair, tying it up in a ponytail.

“Okay, I’m done. You ready to go down?”

“You are feeling naughty, I like this B, all demanding and wanting…”

And THAT was innocent! I wasn’t even thinking about that kind of thing, no. Not her lips on me there, her lips on me everywhere. No no no!

“Zip it, seriously… can we get through this morning without descending into naughty talk? Please? For me?”

“But you said it, I was just waiting on ya getting dressed, you asked if I was ready to go down, you can’t turn this one on me Buffy, pretending at coy…”

And I know I’ll never win. Maybe I don’t want to.

“Okay, okay, I’m the wanton hussy, you’re the epitome of innocence… now can we please descend the stairs in a manner befitting… uh…”

“See? You can’t even think pure thoughts about stairs. I’m gonna have to watch you, threatening my virtue.”

“You’re an ass.”

“And you wanna kiss me, makes you an ass kisser! Are you proud?”

“I do NOT want to kiss you!”

And I back slowly towards the wall as she stalks me, coming closer, that tongue just grazing those lips, a growl resonating heavy in her chest. Pushing up against me, a hairs breadth away.

“You don’t? Cos I was wanting a kiss… just a little kiss.”

Her lips so tantalizingly close, so full. So moist. So…

“Guys! Giles said downstairs NOW!”

So Dawn.

“Okay Kiddo, I’m just fighting off your sister, won’t be a minute.”

“Faith!”

“What? It’s the truth, I saw the way you were looking at me.”

And I catch her wink, and I flip her the finger. Try and steady my breathing as she turns from me and opens up the door. Exposes me to the sight of my sister with her hands on her hips.

“Dawnie, good morning…”

“Huh! Don’t even bother Buffy. You are SO lucky that mom isn’t here to witness what you have been doing in her bedroom… she would freak.”

And I hadn’t even considered that one. Was still chastising myself for the delight I had found in Willow and Tara’s space.

“Oh god, I’m sorry Dawn, I didn’t mean… I mean, I didn’t…”

“Leave it, it’s no problem, I just wanted to see your face.”

And she smirks at me now! Is it the world against Buffy? I try and find the dignity again as I bring myself to stand in front of her. As I wonder at the faraway look that has taken over her face, the sadness that creeps so softly into her eyes.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Uh-huh… I was just thinking, if mom WAS here… I think she’d be happy. Not with the doing stuff in her bed, but you and Faith. I think she’d be happy.”

Tears welling in my eyes to match her own. Just this second. Just a moment for mom. I reach out and offer her the feel of my arms, hold onto the youngest in our family. We have to be strong today, we have to make it through and we have to succeed, at the very least so as I can make my sister happy again. That would make mom happy, if I made Dawn happy. I get that now. I want that now.

“Come on, lets go down.”

Travelling the stairs to meet the others, milling about, finding breakfast. Easy speak, excited speak. So much expectation in the air.

“Ah Buffy, you’re up at last… I take it you slept well.”

“Yeah, great thanks Giles…” Seeing the look, feeling my flush. “…oh god, was anybody asleep?”

“You didn’t give us much choice, the walls are thin, you should remember that.”

“I will, don’t worry.”

The backdoor opening, Xander and Anya walking through, so many more hugs as the excitement builds, as the hour approaches. Just waiting for the final few. The ones with the words. I go to sit in the front room, affix my eyes to Wills as she affixes hers to the door. Also waiting. Her gaze not moving until we hear the car pull up, jumping up to open the door, to greet Cordy, to make room for a rushing Angel with a blanket to protect himself from the sun. And then Wesley. And then…

Well. I don’t know who she is. Fred I assume, the girl I had heard of… and another one? A man, all muscles and attitude. God, how many are there in LA? I thought that we had the biggest gang of misfits. I let Angel do the intro’s, put on my perky voice to admit these new people into my home. They are here to help, they feel like family.

It signals the start of loud voices, of war calls and of chants. Of plans and of direction. I tune out a little, the plans don’t matter so much to me, to Faith… all that matters to us is the fight, the going in, and the getting out. The bringing Tara with us. I catch her eyes as I flit round the faces, eyes which are staring at me, studying me. Eyes which make me smile over all of the battle speak. Eyes which keep on saying the same thing.

‘It’s all going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.’

And I believe her. I believe in her. Everything IS going to be okay.

CHAPTER 30.

POV Faith.

It had been so damn good to be surrounded by so many faces that felt like my friends, all of the gang from LA, and all of the gang from Sunnydale. Or nearly all of the gang, the gang minus the one. The one that had brought us all together in the first place. One that was so fucking good, that the most evil of evil couldn’t bear to take a bite out of her. Not a chance, and we should have fucking known it. Hell really ain’t no place for a girl like her, we were gonna prove it, we were going to bring her home.

Listening to all the voices that had worked out the how’s and the why’s had sent me close to crazy, I had no time for all of that, I knew the deal, I knew that come the end of the day it would be me and B, and no one else, going straight through the portal to hell. And I’m not going to lie, I’m not going to say that the thought didn’t terrify me a lot more than slightly… but I had her eyes, and in her eyes I saw all kinds of belief. Belief which made me strong, belief that had me feeling like I would always be good enough. Forget the past, this was the present, and I was damn sure ready to get fighting the fight.

It was Willow who was the shaky one, the one pouring her gaze over rolled up texts that meant nothing more to me than something I didn’t need to know. But I get what it meant to her. Watching as she and Fred spoke in hushed tones about the validity of opening the portal again, about how they could do it without too much of the bad stuff, without freeing the very thing which we had fought so hard to keep caged, without letting loose the hell onto the earth which we were meant to protect. It was all mumbo jumbo to me, talk of sacred circles and of protection, when I had all the protection that I needed in the weapons which sat in my grasp, and in the girl that sat at my side. I tried to be helpful though, tried to offer reassurance in the way that Buffy seems to like so much, being there for her friends. Being strong.

“Hey Red, you got the words all hashed and rehearsed?”

“I don’t… ugh, I don’t know. I need more time.”

“Shame that the time’s the one thing that we don’t have, come on… your quick study girl, I KNOW you have it figured, and you have Fred to help you…”

“I know, I know, it just seems so… big? So everything resting on me.”

“I know that you’re up to it. We all do, wouldn’t ask if we didn’t know.”

She had looked up then, sat back from the endless reading and offered me her gaze, the green eyes shining with no trace of the darkness. And I wanted it to stay that way, hated that she would be doing the magic again so soon… just hoped beyond all hope that she could harness it all. That her power for the good was as strong as her power for the bad. It had to be. We were counting on it. I shifted a little in my seat as she kept her eyes firm, a smile daring to find her face in amongst all of the heavy shit.

“You’re getting too good at this encouragement stuff, are you sure you weren’t a cheerleader in high school Faith? Pretending you were wrestling the gators, when all of the time you were honing your cheering skills on a precariously balanced triangle of girls?”

“Not a chance… although, there were these girls this one time…”

“There was?”

Laughing out loud as B stared me down with a disbelieving look. “Sure thing girlfriend, all short skirted, shaking the pom poms, it was a wicked cool time, way better than the gator story.”

“Well maybe you can share that one after the doom of today Faith, I think Willow needs to be concentrating on the spell, not losing her thoughts to tales of debauchery.”

“Oh come on Giles, where’s the fun without a little debauchery?”

I had let my eyebrows do the talking as he shook his head in that distinctly British way. Well he couldn’t fool me, I bet he’d had more than his own fair share of debaucherous times. He has a little twinkle in his eyes which assures me of it. I see it and I had winked to show him, laughed again as he just shook his head. As he returned himself to the deep and meaningfuls with Angel and Wes.

I had just wanted to take a break from the sombre, it couldn’t all be sombre, we were bringing our girl home today, surely that needed a little of the light, a little of the smiles to ease up the frown lines. And so what that we had to go back to the place where it had all begun? Back into a basement which chilled me to the bone with the very thought of what lay there, the nightmarish memories of the place where she was trapped. Well fuck the chills. Fuck the basement. I was a slayer, I was stronger than any damn chills and any damn nightmares.

The strength had me hanging tight to Buffy’s hand as the warriors had made their way from the house, me and B to fight the fight from the inside, and the others following behind to either work at the magic, or to beat back the tendrils which we expected to shoot forth. That we knew would shoot forth. Even my tongue falling mute as the seriousness finally approached with such heart pounding clarity. Standing outside and counting the troops. Final words to make it seem like just another day, just another duty. Just another, ‘oh look, here’s the end of the world’…again.

“So we’re all ready? Everybody knows what they have to be doing?”

“Sure thing Giles, me and B are storming the portal… you, Fred and Red are working the words, and Gunn, Wes and Xander are flinging the swords… not so much to remember.”

“I just want to make sure, this isn’t a joke Faith.”

And that had stung a little. That he could think that my words, no matter how flippant, could reduce this moment to a joke. My heart was thumping hard in my chest with the weight that my shoulders were carrying, and so the fuck what if I tried to lighten that with a tone which hinted at fun times, with easy flippancy. I knew as much as anyone how much this meant. Everything that it meant. It made me turn in harshness towards him, made my voice growl as I spoke to him. At him.

“I know it isn’t a joke, I’m a fucking slayer, you think I can joke about that?”

Because there may have been a time, but that time was so long past. So distant to me now. I had seen him straighten up, drop his eyes, seen Wes as he took a step back from my ferocity.

“Hey guys? Calming breaths okay? I don’t think that now is the time to be splitting the ranks.”

“Yeah, whatever. Sorry B, guys… whatever.”

Letting my own gaze drop to the floor as they started to speak again. I had just wished that the sun wasn’t shining, that Angel could have been here to fight at my side, always so much calmer with him at my side. Instead I had looked up as Willow sought my attention, just a slight touch against my arm, a slight whisper that it was okay… that she got it. And that did make it okay. Made me pull my shoulders back again, made me reclaim the command that was so obviously mine and Buffy’s. Not an aging watchers, nobody’s. Nobody’s but ours.

“Okay, can we get this show going? Someone has to be first through the hatch, I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that it’s gonna be me.”

Not waiting to see if that was okay with anyone, just pulling back the doors and opening up a basement, same old place, just chock full of the fucked up memories. The place where she had been held, the place where she had found her voice, the place that she had disappeared. It was all still there, looking the same, feeling the same. But not the same. We wouldn’t freeze this time. We would hold our heads high and beat the evil back into oblivion. We would wrestle our girl away from whatever held her, and we would do it all with a smile on our face.

I found a wall to rest against as they set about marking out the circle which would hopefully hold Willow and her power, trying so hard not to think about where I would be going, the things I would hear, what I would see. It didn’t matter right? I was strong. My eyes not glancing to the far wall… the portal wall. Not feeling as my chest beat out a rhythm which begged me to run, my instincts which screamed that this wasn’t the right way, not my way. I shouldn’t go in there.

“You okay?”

“Huh? Yeah B, you know me, five by five, right?”

Watching as her eyebrow had raised, as she tried to slip inside me with a gaze that sought to see everything. A shaking hand that had travelled a small distance to stroke at my face, to run soft fingers in ways that should have calmed me. Which didn’t calm me. My feet seeking to fidget when I knew that I should be finding stillness.

“I’m kinda scared Faith, you know… big evil portal, a ticket to hell, in fact I’m kinda terrified.” Her mouth still finding a way to twitch out a smile for me. “If you were scared too, that would be okay.”

“You want me to be scared?”

“No, I want you to be honest, you don’t have to hide it from me.”

I considered that. I considered it hard. I had told her that I hated it when she hid herself from me, and I knew that it was wrong to be hiding myself from her. It had just seemed so natural, so right in the moment to be grabbing at a false sense of bravado. To be strong, to stay strong. It was all I’d had ever had, until then. Until she had brought the space to less, had moved her hand to use her lips and offered me an innocent kiss. Just a little something that I needed. It had me confirming her words, laughing them out as if I could mock them.

“Okay, I’m a little terrified, but just a little… and don’t tell the others.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, how would they cope without a fearless leader?”

“Ah, they have you B, it’s all cool.”

Finding more smiles in the seconds that followed, losing sense of what was happening behind us, of the things which were completed, the troops picking up their weapons and waiting on the time. On us.

“Buffster, you gonna stop the smooches anytime soon?”

Xander’s words penetrating our own sacred circle of protection.

“We’re stopping, see? Stopped! Ready to go… what’s the plan?”

“If you had been listening you would know the plan.”

“Oh for gods sake Giles! Cut us a break okay? In case you’ve forgotten we’re just about to take a quick trip into hell, is it really so terrible that we might want to take a moment first?”

Her words had sounded so firm, so strong, so unarguable. And he hadn’t argued, had simply offered an apologetic glance to match his apologetic words. Gone slowly over the run through again, they would chant the spell, the portal would open… we would go through. And then things got a little more sketchy. Not even Giles really knowing what was supposed to happen then… Cordy had just seen Tara, had seen me and Buffy… no details, no take the first right, swing the second left. Nothing. Just go in and get out. I guess in a way it was my kind of plan, not too much with the detail. I swallowed the lump which wouldn’t move from my throat, the non sweet taste of doom coated gloom. Forced something which sounded like me into my tone.

“Well get chanting then girlies, I for one can’t wait to see Tara…” I had caught Willow’s eyes, slid a quick smile. A false smile. “…now just make sure that you get us out of there Red, no leaving a girl hanging.”

“No hanging, nope… I can do it, I can open the portal and bring you back out. Uh-huh, what’s big honking evil in the face of uh… um… me.”

“That’s the spirit Red! Evil ain’t got nothing on you.”

And it had sounded kinda hopeless, looking at her small form kneeling amongst the spread salt of the circle. The shaking of her hands as she held up the text, the quiver in her voice as her words had first been spoken. It had sounded all sorts of hopeless. And it had me shaking again, soft shakes, hidden shakes. The palms of my hands feeling clammy with fear… I had wanted to turn, to run.

“Oh god… Faith?”

And then turning to see. Watching that pinprick appear again just like before. The light, the glow, the sounds of screaming and of torment, the sounds which had plagued my sleep since the first time. The rank shoots of blackness that looked to break free. And I wanted to sidestep it, wanted so bad to stop the evil black shit from ever touching me again, but I couldn’t. I had looked hard at the others, seen their faces looking to me with absolute belief, and I let it be all that I felt. Let final words of encouragement fall from my mouth to keep them all safe…

“Don’t get eaten.”

Softening it with a wink, holding onto Buffy’s hand and stepping solidly forwards. Like Alice through the looking glass. Only evil. Not so much ‘curioser and curioser’, as, ‘holy fucking hell’. Seriously. Holy fucking hell. Hearing Willow’s words gaining strength as we lost all sight of anything real. Anything normal. As we lost everything except each other.

“Jesus…”

“I don’t think you’ll find him here B.”

Not knowing what we would find here, not even knowing if she would hear my words above the sounds, above the unrelenting noise of pain and of suffering. It had me falling straight to my knees, just the feel of it. Permeating me, infusing me with every bad feeling I had ever felt in my life. So much fucking agony ripping harsh paths through my system. I tried to fight it, tried so hard to keep my eyes searching out every bit of blackness for her. For Tara. For anything.

“B..?”

Nothing.

“Buffy..?”

And still there was nothing. The loneliness assaulting me with sweet twisted abandon. Coming in to take a hold of me, the emptiness. The nothingness. Mocking my strength, mocking everything about me. Caressing me with the feel of everything wrong, everything I had ever done wrong. Slow thrusting images which I couldn’t close my eyes upon. No way to stop seeing, to stop feeling, it was all about me, it was in me, making me scream out in absolute desperate gut wrenching terror, a need for salvation.

“BUFFY!!!”

Fucking begging her for salvation… I just knew it, I felt it, Angel was wrong, I couldn’t be here… I couldn’t survive here. My veins aching as I felt the blackness travelling fast through my system, as it flowed all one way towards my heart. My bones aching as my body grew weak without fighting, but I didn’t know how to fight this, I didn’t even know what it was. Where it had me or how it had me. It just had me.

“Oh fuck… argh…”

Convulsions wracking me as I felt myself being sucked towards the dark somewhere, knowing that it would be an end. The end. My end. Whatever, I knew that I was heading there… that the blackness all around me had found just what it needed to feast upon, everything that it had never found in Tara. In goodness. And I wanted to give up, I swear, I fucking wanted to give up… as I lived again all the moments that showed me my wrongness, my badness. The times when I had fucked the boys for the sweet taste of beer, as I’d fucked the girls for the sweet taste of pussy, my hand in open cash registers, my fists hitting true in faces they should never have dared to touch. I was living it again. Breathing it again. On slow mo, on fast forward, over and over. Jumbling together. The mockery I had made of my slayerness, experiencing the thrust again of the first vamp I had dusted, a mistake there as well, not knowing what it was, just trusting an instinct. Swelling my head with the memory of whooping out my power. Of the whisky I had downed to drown out the vision of the monster that had pursued me through the night… a watcher, yeah… show me a fucking watcher, the sound of evil screaming with such force in my head as I slayed every beast she had led me to hunt. Feeling the cloven hand caress against my form…

“God no, please god no…”

My first stomach churning feel of the stickiness of human blood, blood I had cared about, blood that had cared about me, ripped from me, stolen from me. Feeling the anger, the abandoned howl of knowing right then that I just wasn’t good enough, I was fucking bad… it was eating at me now, agreeing with me. Whispering tones hissing deep into my ears as I felt it all…tasting my darkness, teasing tendrils snaking forth like tongues to lap it all from me…

I felt the world crushing against my chest as I saw again the salvation in Sunnydale, such a sick joke, laughing a manic laugh that sounded all Warren, that morphed into the Mayor as I tried to fight it off… I couldn’t give up, not yet, needing to see her one last time… even this way, knowing everything that I would do to her, every evil act I had committed with a smile upon my face, every way that I could think of to hurt her, the evil twisted grin which I felt sliding across me in that instant… everything pulling at me…

“Buffy…”

And I don’t even know if I said it out loud. I just know that I felt her go through me.

‘Thanks B, I couldn’t have done it without ya.’

It felt like it had fucking slammed straight through me. Her soft curves, her short stance, my coarse words, her towering strength. Watching her cavort with a fucking vampire, and so what a fucking soul!? I was a fucking slayer… feeling that anger burn in every part of me, finding a home in me. Fists clenching, consuming me again, feeling the flames of hate, the sick sadness of wasted desire…the tossing of my body as whatever the fuck it was took comfort in my pain. Resonating approval. Sucking me dry. Not able to fight it with the knowledge of all that I knew now, powerless to do anything, just being forced to relive it as I felt myself slipping further away… screaming out tears as I saw what I became, as I saw the thick red blood on my hands, as I laughed at the tainted stain on my shirt…

‘I don’t care…’

Tormenting me, hearing my own words twisting back round to mock me, seeing the look that she saw, the cocky smirk that insisted I was nothing worth saving…

“Oh god, please… no more…”

I pleaded deep into the darkness for something to save me. Firing arrows at Angel, fighting her on a rooftop. And It felt like nothing would save me, I felt so surely that I wasn’t worth saving. Not even thinking of Willow and of Tara anymore… of what I was here for… just feeling like death, like I was where I belonged. Trying to hide from the reflection of evil eyes as I had stared back into the face that I had stolen so callously, the images working hard to keep me prisoner… and they had me prisoner. I know that I was crying from it, my whole body tensing as I felt the blackness slip tighter across me. Holding me, fucking embracing me with the coldness of home.

And then Riley… oh fuck Riley, wrong body, wrong person. Feeling another embrace of another man I didn’t want to touch me, who I didn’t want touching her. Hearing the tones of every bad past sneaking up to give comment…

‘There’s my little firecracker…’

Her fucked up voice amongst them. Cheering me on, laughing at me. Seeing her head shake as she witnessed everything I had become, every label self fulfilling as she screamed out words of whore, of liar. Of badness and of wrong. Watching them all laugh at me… my eyes tearing to my hands, feeling the warmth and the wet as I saw Wesley cowering before me… tied to the chair, his blood making me laugh too, making me scream… so much badness… I am so fucking bad… I’m so fucking bad!

“FAITH!”

Not even hearing it… not even knowing it. All I could hear was the mantra of the moment, the twisted monstrosity of my true to life story playing out before me… I had seen it all, I had watched it all… over and over… I was so fucking bad.

Feeling the sickening pull, as my entire being felt the pressure of ripping from the inside out, as finally the darkness slid to the place where the badness truly lay, breaking through all of my defences, my body shot to shit. My veins taking delight in delivering the wickedness straight to my chest… the centre of my evil. The dark stain on my soul. My heart.

Where my goodness lay? Like an echo, like something calling through the mist. My head shaking with the pounding force of all that I had heard, all that I could hear.

“FAITH!!”

And hearing her then. Oh god did I hear her. Louder than the scream of any evil, of any torment…

Buffy.

Knowing it. My eyes fighting to stay open on the rest of the moment. To see what happened next, to see the goodness that could thrive when my eyes rest upon her… that stupid fucked up cow/chicken hat… man, so fucking stupid! And her hair so short… why so short Buffy? Wanting to ask… tossing and turning as I felt more screams rising up, trying to fight them, to stop my eyes from closing… too much noise, not her screams, but the bad screams, trying to drown it out, sound it out…anguish and pain.

And him. Finally him. That soulless evil fucker, his sly twisting smile, waiting here to bring me down, to show me those eyes again, to taunt me with the way that his body so wanted hers… the way that his body had claimed hers, not memories, but visions, sliding against her, pushing down into her… making my anger choke forth… the darkness rising…

Her touch.

Like salvation.

And he couldn’t take away the feel of her touch… of birthday wishes that were nothing to do with anguish and pain, my own smile widening through the tormenting torture, through the blackness… my birthday gift, so sweet in her hands, his body so nothing in dust.

Buffy.

The soft feel of lips, not real… or real? Breathing life into me, breathing love into me. Letting it flow through me with the force that it demanded, no strength left to argue, to question. Hands beating against chests. And I gave myself up then, not fighting, I had nothing to fight… I just had to trust. Had to let myself believe that if I gave it all up, if I let myself fall… that she would catch me, that she could catch me. Drowning out every bad sound with the sound of her breathing, the feel of her breath, breathing in me, breathing for me… not seeing it, just feeling it… like warmth. Like something good. Something right.

Closing my eyes for the last time. Nothing left in my heart except Buffy.

*****

Just slow fleeting fragments. Just whispers of memory which have burnt and branded my skin, the stench of flesh burning, of evil awakening.

“Hey baby..?”

Soft. So fucking soft. A caress against my ears. Tears against my cheek.

“Can you hear me? Do you hear me Faith?”

I don’t know.

More voices, all in my head, nothing’s real anymore. I don’t even know if I’m here anymore. Just darkness in front of me, behind me. Not moving, barely breathing.

“Buffy she’ll be okay… just let her rest.”

“No Giles! You keep saying that, I’m sick of hearing that… how long huh? How long are we supposed to wait?”

“I’m with Buffy on this one, this is ridiculous guys… I mean what, a mystical coma? That’s crap, useless crap… can’t we do something? Surely one of you has the power to do something.”

“Unless you get a vision Cordy, then no… we don’t do anything.”

Angel. Angel is here? I didn’t think Angel was here… I thought I was fighting alone. When did Angel get here?

“Hey Buff..? Wills is asking for you, can you… uh, shall I tell her no?”

“Tell her what you want Xander, I’m not leaving her side. She knows where I am…”

“But she won’t leave…”

“I know that! But I won’t leave Faith… tell her, she’ll understand.”

I understand nothing. Just voices. Slipping away.

No more voices.

*****

“Baby..?”

“Is she awake?”

“No… I just, I thought I saw something Dawnie, probably nothing. You should go down, go on… I’ll be fine, really. You go see the others.”

Others? I had heard the others… where were the others? Where was I?

“Buffy… is she… is she going to be okay? I know what Giles said, but is she really going to be okay?”

I hear tears. Tears in her voice. So many tears.

“Hey, of course she is… she’s just, it’s just taking time is all.”

“It’s been three days…”

“It doesn’t matter!”

“Sorry, I just…”

“No Dawn, I’m sorry. Go on, go down, maybe bring me some tea?”

“Are you hungry?”

“No… I’m fine. Just tea. Thank you.”

Footsteps going away. Don’t leave me here. Not alone.

“Oh god Faith, I wish you could hear me. Baby, can you hear me?”

I hear you! I’m not… alone.

“Faith I’m so scared, so damn scared… I can’t do this without you, I don’t want to do this without you. If you can hear me, please… just anything, just a wink, an eyebrow, I know you like the eyebrows baby… can you do that? Can you just wiggle an eyebrow for me..?”

Is she mad?

“Squeeze my hand yeah? Can you feel that? Just give me a squeeze… oh god, please… please?”

“Buffy..? Can I come in?”

“Huh? Angel? Sure, maybe you can hang onto my sanity for me. I’m losing it in here. Fast.”

“You should take some time, this isn’t healthy. You can’t stay here forever.”

“Watch me.”

“Buffy…”

“No! I won’t leave her, none of you can make me leave her.”

“What about Dawn? She’s downstairs, she’s hurting, she needs you.”

“I need Faith.”

Don’t leave me.

“She isn’t going anywhere Buffy, I’ll stay with her. You go on and get some rest, get some food.”

“Listen to me Angel, I am not leaving her! Now you can stay and play nice, or you can get the hell out… I am not moving.”

“You don’t need to do this, it isn’t your fault.”

“I should’ve got to her sooner… I should’ve known, we all should’ve known what it would do to her… Jesus Angel… you didn’t hear it, you didn’t see what it did…”

“I’ve been there… I know.”

“Well she didn’t know! I shouldn’t have let her go in.”

“She knew the risks.”

“No!”

“Buffy…”

What the hell are they talking about?

“I didn’t know, I didn’t know how bad…”

“It wouldn’t have made a difference. If she had known, she would still have gone in, you know that. I know that… and when she wakes up she will tell you that.”

I will?

“I just want her to wake up… it’s killing me Angel, I need her so much. I miss her so much.”

“Shhh. Come on, it’s okay.”

Those tears again falling.

“She died Buffy… that takes its toll, of course it does, but she’s here… you got her out, and you brought her back. She’s here.”

I’m here.

*****

Touches which feel so real. Soothing skin, soothing the flesh that still burns with the sick strokes of evil. Coursing through me. Choking me. Holding me back.

But the touches feel real. Like soft tapping on wood.

“Hey, can I come in?”

“Huh, oh Wills, yeah… come in. I was just, I don’t know…”

“You don’t have to explain to me Buffy.”

“Right, of course not. How is she?”

“Doing great, really… I mean, not great, great, not jumping round the room greatness, but yeah, she’s good. She wants to come in later… she won’t stop asking. Is that okay?”

“Is she… is she strong enough?”

“I think so… Giles said she can get up tomorrow anyway, and we can get Xander to lift her, bring her in… it would mean a lot to her.”

“I’d like to see her, I’m sorry I haven’t…”

“No Buffy, I get it, you need to be here… she understands, she just wishes that she could be here too.”

“You’ve been here, you’ve all been here. It helps.”

“I wish we could do more.”

“I wish I could do more.”

“I think you did enough… you went back, you got her.”

“I left her.”

She did?

“No Buffy, no way, you didn’t leave her… you did what you had to.”

“Funny how that feels so pointless right now.”

“But she’s here, she’s right here.”

“Is she Wills? Is she really? Cos god… I can’t, I don’t feel her… I can’t feel her.”

Water falling. It sounds like rivers. Winding away…

*****

“Just put her down gently.”

“I’m not gonna drop her Buff, what do you take me for, some kind of oaf?”

“You’re not an oaf, you’re the perfect specimen of a handsome mortal male, if they can’t see that then that’s their problem…”

“Thanks honey.”

“Oh god, is this gonna be the demon’s ode to the mighty Xander again? It gets kinda tiring… can’t we have an ode to something else, even evisceration, please? For me?”

“I could eviscerate you Cordelia, for old times sake, I imagine it would be all kinds of pleasing…”

“Guys! You wanna hush? A little respect?”

“Sorry Buffy.”

No. Don’t hush. I like it.

“Hey sweetie… how are you?”

Huh? That voice…

“I’m… I’m good, peachy, really… but what about you? Are you okay?”

“As good as I’m gonna be, not good enough for Giles, he’d have me on bed rest till I hit at least forty, but I’m much better. How’s… how is Faith?”

The heat of her skin as she touches my brow. Always touching me. Never leaving me. It warms me.

“I don’t know, I keep, god… I keep telling myself that she’s okay, but I just don’t know, I just wish she would wake up. Just a sign, just anything… it’s all that I want Tara.”

Tara? We saved Tara?

“Hey come on, it’s okay… she’ll be okay, you just have to believe it.”

“Exactly Buffy! You have to believe it… like Tara said, Faith would want you to believe it. She’s always going on about the believing, right?”

“I guess so Dawn… and I do, really, I do. But it’s been five days…”

“She did eight months last time, this is nothing, she’s strong… like Amazon!”

“How do you know how strong Amazon’s are?”

“I was just saying An, I don’t know, know… but, well, they are strong, right?”

“Definitely strong. Like Faith, only Faith’s stronger cos she has the super power deal, and shouldn’t slayer healing help, with the super fast healing and the uh… strength?”

“You’d think so Wills, I hope so.”

Strength?

“She’ll be fine, trust me… I know Faith, and there is no way that she’ll let evil keep her down, she wouldn’t let anything keep her down.”

“Thanks Cor.”

“No need for thanks, it’s the truth, this time next week she’ll be back to normal, and you’ll be wishing that you could keep her trussed up in a bed…”

“Hmmmm.”

“Hey Buffster, less of the naughty thoughts!”

“Hey… I was not naughty thoughts-ing!”

“Uh-huh.”

“I was NOT!”

Naughty thoughts?

“No Xander, she keeps those for our bed, and hey… did I tell you about that Tara, with the screams and the hollers?”

“Will…”

“There was screaming? I missed the screaming?”

“Oh yeah… I think Buffy was the loudest, but Faith held her own, it was quite impressive, way louder than you guys…”

“Dawn!”

“I was just saying.”

“Well stop saying, now… all of you, okay? I get with the laughs, I do, and thank you, but I’m just tired right now…”

“Right, come on guys, lets clear out, we can discuss Buffy’s sex life downstairs, give the girl some peace and quiet.”

“Thank you Cordy. I think.”

I like girls with manners…

“Tara..? Could you… would you mind staying?”

“No problem sweetie, I’d love to stay…”

“Not too long baby, you still need to rest too.”

“I’ll be fine.”

It sounds like a kiss. I miss kisses…

“So how are you really doing?”

“I’m not good Tara, god am I not good. I just feel like I should be doing something, that there’s something I could do.”

“You’re here, that’s enough.”

“But she doesn’t even know that I’m here…”

I know.

“…I sit here and I talk, and I touch her… but nothing. I just need something… anything?”

“Come on, it’s okay… it’ll all be okay.”

“I just feel like I’m falling apart, I can’t do this without her… I need her Tara, I need her.”

I need her too.

*****

“For gods sake, be quiet Xander!”

“I’m not the one shouting!”

“I’m not shouting, I’m whispering.”

“Just because you say it in British, does not make it whispering.”

“Oh for crying out loud, just cover her over, make sure she’s warm.”

She is warm. I can feel her.

“Do you think she’s going to be okay?”

“Faith? I’m sure of it.”

“No, Buffy… she won’t eat, she only sleeps when she can’t help herself… do you think that ‘she’s’ going to be okay?”

“I wish that I knew… I’ve tried talking to her, we’ve all tried talking to her, but she just refuses to hear.”

“She’s kinda stubborn our Buffster.”

“Far too stubborn for her own good. And if she carries on like this? Well, I just don’t know. Even slayers have to eat, we can supplement Faith, but Buffy won’t even allow for that…”

“She’s punishing herself.”

“I’d say that’s exactly what she is doing, such a misplaced notion.”

“And there’s nothing we can do about it.”

“No, nothing. I believe that unless Faith wakes up soon, then nothing will be able to reach her.”

“I could try shaking her awake.”

“Are you mad? God only knows what’s going on in her head right now, I don’t think that shaking is an option.”

“Well we have to do something, I won’t lose Buffy again… we can’t lose Buffy again.”

Lose Buffy?

“I’m rather hoping that it won’t come to that, Angel seems to think that the darkness is still inside of her… that it’s stopping her from breaking free. Waking up…”

“So can’t we suck out the darkness?”

“Do you have an evil sucking vacuum cleaner Xander?”

“Hey G-man, you cracked a funny!”

“Ha bloody ha.”

“Well we must be able to do something, a spell… what about one of those mind walk things? Willow could do that, right?”

“Unfortunately no, wrong. She has to fight it herself… we have to hope that she has the strength left to fight whatever is in her, not just for her sake, but for Buffy’s sake too.”

For Buffy’s sake.

*****

Oh fuck.

Holy fuck it hurts. All over hurts, like nothing I’ve felt before… I can feel it scorching right through me, and the smell, it smells like burning flesh… fuck that’s nasty. Jesus, I can’t breathe, it’s inside me… fucking hell it’s inside me… Buffy? B..? Fuck, someone help me…

“Faith..?”

My veins are ripping from my skin, I can feel them fucking tearing from me, and the blackness… so dark, so alone, so fucking bad…

“Baby..? Can you hear me? Please Faith…”

Oh god, it’s in my heart, I can feel it in my heart… no…

“GUYS! SOMEONE!”

Touching me, tearing me. Inside of me… I need, oh fuck… I need to get it out…

“Buffy? What‘s wrong?… Oh my goddess…”

“What is it Wills, what’s happening to her? What the hell is happening to her?”

“I’ll get Giles, I’ll… oh god…”

Got to get it out…

“Faith! Faith… can you hear me? Oh no… baby no… Wills please? Do something?”

“I don’t… I don’t know what to do… I’ll get someone, I’ll get…”

“Arghhhh!”

“Buff…”

Got to get it out.

*****

“And then what?”

“She just… I don’t know, it was like the tendrils, they just… my god Giles, it was so horrible… they just came out of her…”

“It smells gross.”

“It’s not a fucking picnic Dawn!”

She’s cursing? She’s cursing Dawn?

“I… sorry, I just with the smell… I’m sorry.”

“Just go to your room, you shouldn’t be seeing this.”

“Right, I’m sorry.”

Kiddo..?

“Hey Buff, you were a little hard on her, she didn’t mean anything.”

“Leave it Wills okay? Just leave it.”

“I’ll go to her… I’ll uh, I’ll just see that she’s okay.”

“Do you want me to help clean her Buffy?”

“No, thanks Giles… I’ll do it, I just wondered… it scared me, what the hell was that?”

“I can only guess that whatever it is inside of her, has finally begun to come out.”

“You mean that there’s more?”

“Who can say? I’ll speak to Angel, we’ll read more texts…”

“Well praise the lord, there’s more texts to read!”

“Buffy…”

“What Giles? You want me to jump up and down and proclaim the greatness of the books that have gotten us nowhere? Well I won’t, I’m sick of the books… I’m sick of all of this…”

“Just calm down, you need to calm down.”

“Just go, just get out. Please?”

“Of course.”

And I need to calm her. If my eyes can open… if I could just…

“B..?”

“Oh god… Faith?”

Yeah. If I could just…

*****

“I heard it! I god damned heard it!”

“I’m not saying that you didn’t, I’m just saying that it was over eight hours ago, that you need to rest! If she’s waking up, then she’ll wake up… you don’t have to watch her.”

“You don’t believe me? That’s it isn’t it Giles? You think that I’m making it up?”

“No, I think that you’re exhausted, I think you heard what you needed to hear.”

“Get the hell out! Just get out and stay out!”

“Buffy…”

“I said OUT!”

Slamming doors. Walls shaking.

“God damn hearing what I need to hear? What the fuck does he think I am, god damn fucking crazy… yeah? Lets all hear it for the screwed up Buffster! Coming to a town near you… point, make fun, god…”

She’s breaking.

“Please Faith… baby please? I know you can hear me, just say something… do something?”

Cold, cold hands. Why are her hands so cold?

“I can’t do this anymore… I can’t, I’m losing it Faith, I can’t do this…”

Holding onto me.

It soothes the darkness. It soothes my soul.

“I love you, do you hear that? I love you!”

Oh god B. My heart breaking. The sound of pain, of tears and of heart ache. And no more. I can’t… she can’t. No more. I try and fight with everything that I am, past the blackness, the darkness… up through the barriers which hold me so tightly, through the words and the visions, the sights that haunt me…

I am so fucking bad.

“I love you Faith.”

Over and over. I hear it… I can feel it. I love you too B. I…

“…love you.”

“Oh my god… Faith?”

It hurts. My eyes, I can’t… my eyes… I can’t see…

“B..?”

It sounds so foreign, so hoarse and heavy. Barely there. Barely here.

“Baby? It’s me… I’m here, oh god, I’m here… I love you, I love you so much… please, hang on… I love you…”

Hang on. Please… hang on.

*****

Like coming up through a smoke screen, everything hazy, not a fucking clue where I am. Oh wait… no, I have a clue, I remember… I think. She was here. Buffy was here…

“Faith?”

My head feels like it's fucking pounding out the techno as I turn to face her, my mouth so dry, my throat aching and raw.

“W…water?”

“Sure thing, just relax… I’ve got water here.”

Letting her lift my head, trying not to wince as she touches a soft spot. All of it a soft spot.

“Just slow sips okay, you’ve been out for ages, no gulping.”

“K… where’s B?”

“Hey you! I’m here.”

Not dazzled by the smile, just lost without the feeling.

“Cordy?”

“Okay, okay… I get the deal, no ones ever better than the Buffy. Which is kinda odd considering the state she’s in, but hey, no hard feelings…”

Slow down.

“Hey… can you slow, please?”

“You must be feeling rough, asking a hot girl to go slow…”

Not smiling. Not laughing. No fun. No games.

“Buffy?”

“She’s fine… they just… they thought it best to sedate her, she was kinda going crazy when you started to come round, wouldn’t let anyone near you…”

Oh is she gonna be pissed.

“How long..?”

“What? How long since they sedated her?”

I try so hard and give her a look. Unimpressed. Maybe just dopey.

“Aw, that’s cute, trying for fierce so soon, but really, no… it’s been six days, just about seven. You had us all worried there… I mean it, everyone has been here. You really know how to get the fear flowing.”

“Six days?”

“Yeah, nearly a week. How are you feeling, cos you look like crap?”

I don’t know. Fucking crap?

“Cool, not too bad… what… I don’t remember, what happened?”

“You were the hero sweet cheeks. Chewed up the evil, saved the world, saved Buffy… Tara… I’m kinda sketchy on the details…”

“Tara?”

“Hell yeah! She’s fine by the way, a little weak at first, but she’s fine. It was like I said, a couple of square meals and she was right as rain.”

Why can’t I remember?

“I don’t… I remember going through, but nothing after.”

I sip some more of the water, feel as it rips at the back of my throat, like gasoline, but still better, better than the rawness.

“Well I’m sure they’ll fill you in, you want me to go get them… let them know you’re awake?”

“No, not yet… I just, can I rest a bit more? Please?”

“Hey… you can do whatever you want to do, didn’t you hear me? You’re the hero round here now, you get hero privileges.”

“I missed you Cor.”

“Save it you old hound dog, I know who you’ve been missing.”

Her smile is so fucking radiant, and she is so fucking wrong. I have missed her, I missed all of them. It was so lonely, so empty. I think… I think I remember them here… I remember feeling alone… all so confusing.

“Can you, will you… when B wakes up?”

“Sure thing, you just rest okay? I’ll stay here.”

Closing my eyes. The sound of silence.

*****

I feel her all around me, the softness, the comfort, and I don’t open my eyes. I just breathe it in, let it fill me, complete me… the smell, so much sweeter than burning flesh.

And burning flesh? There was burning flesh?

That makes me shake my eyes awake. A memory. A feeling. Fear.

“B..? Are you awake?”

My voice sounding surer, fuelled by the gasoline.

“Buffy..?”

“Hmmm? You what?”

And my mouth feels so tight as I pull on a smile. Her confusion sounding so wonderful, everything sounding so wonderful.

“Hey… sleepyhead.”

“Faith? Faith!”

And fuck that sounds loud!

“Shush, please… I’m right here.”

“Oh god Faith… oh my god…”

My ribs aching as she crushes herself against me, gasping for air, feeling the suffocation.

“Hey, fuck, ease off.”

“Right, I’m sorry, I… uh… are you, okay?”

Her face as wounded as I feel as she pulls herself away from me. Body broken, eyes shining, tears falling. And I wanna reach out, want my arms to lift my hands, want to wipe the pain away. But they won’t lift, not yet… everything in my body screaming out in the pain.

“Yeah, cool… just my ribs B, fuck… my whole fucking body.”

“I can get someone? I should get someone… I’ll get the witches, they’ll know what to do, maybe some of the balm… do you want the balm?”

“Balm?”

“Or pills? We have pills, Advil, something stronger?”

“Pills?”

What the fuck is she talking about?

“For the pain, right? You’re hurting?”

“No, yes… I don’t know… I just…”

“What Faith… what do you want?”

And I try and fight the feeling of the haze, the ache that rushes through my system, the longer that I try to hold my eyes open. The burning, that smell again… all of it rising up to beat me back. To beat me down. And I fight it for all that I am worth, the last feeling of strength, just to look. Just to see.

“Buffy?”

“Yes?”

“Please… just a kiss… please?”

As if my whole world depends upon it, as if my salvation is balancing upon it. A kiss better, a kiss to ward off the bad times, the dark times. To keep it all at bay.

“A kiss?”

My head hurting on the nod. No more words. No more strength. I don’t need anymore strength, I have her. I have Buffy. I feel the sting as my eyes take a final look. A sight to hang on to, a sight to hang on for.

Her smile. I lived for that smile. For those eyes. For her love.

The weight shifts slowly across the bed, the pain in my back making me hiss as she hovers above me, her tears falling fast to mark at my skin. And I do close my eyes, close my eyes as her lips touch mine. As I feel like coming home.

...continued in chapter 31...