Resolution
by Kelly Smith
Rating: NC-17
POV Buffy.
I lost her for seven days and I have had her back for three. That means that by my calculations, I have at least another four days of grinning like an absolute idiot, until I have to rejoin the world of the normal again. Not that I’m overly keen on rejoining the normal world, a world which to me means fighting, and slaying, and taking not too pleasant trips into terrifying hell dimensions. No. I like this world much better. The one where I can play at being nurse to Faith, and where my only real worry is whether or not she is getting as strong again as she truly should be. And she is. Slowly, but definitely surely, she is regaining everything about herself that has always made her just so… Faith.
Her eyes gradually clearing from the hell enforced haze, her body fighting off the sick slime of evil which had permeated her being since our crazy little jaunt across to the other side. The really dark and nasty side. I’ve held the bucket for her a thousand times since she rejoined the world of the living, trying to soothe her with soft words as she vomited forth more and more of the tendrils that I had witnessed first hand invading her body. Never complaining, just throwing me apologetic looks as another conversation would be ended by the chokes and the coughs that meant more of the sickness was on its way.
As if she has to apologise to me. I want to be here for her, I NEED to be here for her. I tell her it often enough, in amongst the words of love and of missed you, I tell her over and over how much I need to be with her. Finding myself mumbling and jumbling all of the words which say sorry for every time I haven’t been there for her. Making her shake her head, making her smile. Making her call me silly. And I don’t care what she calls me, she is here… and for that I won’t ever stop grinning like the idiot.
When she had awoken and asked me to just kiss her, I had felt so much go through me. Like an ache in every single part of my being, maybe in my soul? I don’t know… but it just felt so real, so tangible, so much like everything I would ever need was buried in the soft feel of her lips. Not mattering that they were parched and cracked from all of the hours that she had lain ‘sleeping’, just mattering that all she needed, all that she really wanted, was to place those lips against mine. Like a kiss better, like everything really was going to be okay.
And I hadn’t been sure of it, as much as I shouted it at Dawn, at Giles, at anyone who I made to stand and listen, I hadn’t been sure of it. Hours and hours of forcing my eyes to stay open, because a part of me believed that any second that I looked at her could maybe be my last. And I couldn’t bear that thought, I knew that it would never be enough. So I sat, and I watched, and I counted the hours. Just one more, please god, just one more.
Time is precious, and now time is all that I really want. Time with her. It’s more than precious. To me it has become everything.
“B… what ya thinking?”
And I won’t infect her fresh growing smile with my thoughts all morbid, and of what could have been lost.
“I was thinking about how pretty your eyes look with the sun shining on them.”
Making that smile grow more, the dimples out in full force as she tries to cover a blush with a full wattage grin.
“Are you getting all mushy in your old age B? Cos you know you need to watch that, the onset of senility.”
“You don’t like me being mushy?”
“I didn’t say that, I just… you know, it’s new.”
“Well I’m making up for lost time, all the times I should’ve told you that your eyes are pretty.”
“Just my eyes?”
And wouldn’t you know that her eyebrows were the first things to gain back all of that super sized strength that she had lost. Straight back to the lifting and the wiggling and all of the secret hidden promises that captivate my mind whenever she makes them dance across her face.
“No Faith, not just your eyes.”
I pull myself away from the warmth of the sun to check that her body is covered by the warmth of the blanket. Giles letting me bring her out into the garden, only when I had promised that I would make sure that she was kept as snug as a bug. The worry on his face not moving, no matter how much I protested that she really is getting so much better, no matter how much she protested that she feels a thousand times better. I figure that he likes to worry, that maybe a little part of him is still feeling the harshness of their last fraught exchange before we had stepped our way into hell.
“If you tuck me in any tighter B, I’m not gonna be able to breathe.”
“Huh? Oh, sorry… just following orders.”
“You always follow orders?”
“Depends on who’s issuing them.”
My hand makes its way to stroke a slow path across her head, just moving the soft flow of hair away from those eyes, tucking it up behind her ears.
“I could issue a few orders B…”
Letting my fingers trace the eyebrows that just won’t stop moving.
“I’m sure you could, WHEN you’re feeling better.”
“I am feeling better!”
“Not better enough.”
Her hand comes up to catch my own, gripping me tightly, proving her strength, showing me just how much better she really is. Pulling me ever so slowly down until my face is close to hers. Till the breath of her words breezes softly across my lips.
“I’m better enough for a kiss B, can I order you to give me a kiss?”
“I like that order.”
Not needing her to pull me that last inch to touch. To feel more than her warm breath against my lips as I lose myself in that sweetest of feelings. The ache rising up again, letting me know how much more I want from her, how much I have to wait, how much she has to wait. Breaking slowly away as I feel her moans vibrate right through me.
“That was nice.”
“More?”
“It’s kinda dangerous Faith, I wouldn’t want Giles to walk out and find me ravishing you right here in the garden. Not only would he have a heart attack just from the sight alone, but you know he’d have another one because I was being all careless… not looking after you properly.”
“Since when has Giles been a doctor?”
Her mouth pushing out into a pout. Making it so hard not to give into the more.
“He just wants the best for you. ‘I’ want the best for you, and that means no ravishing till you’re back to full health.”
“But I feel better!”
“You feel horny!”
“It’s the same difference where I come from B, if the blood’s flowing south, then it means the blood is flowing, and I’m ALL about the blood flowing south.”
“Sweet baby, really… but this is California, and out here on the west coast, you’re not better until you can do at least ten press ups without collapsing into a heap.”
And I’m not mocking her feeble state, really I‘m not, but if she’d had her own way we would’ve been rolling around in the bed sheets the second she’d come back round again. All words of hungry and horny, and making up for lost time.
“I did nine this morning, so I guess that means one more and I’m in?”
“‘And you’re in’? You big ol’ romantic.”
“I just wanna know where I stand B, it’s like hell again, spending all this time with you and not even being allowed a little look see, I mean… I like the kisses, kisses are great… but I’ve had a pretty harsh ordeal and I need a proper welcome back.”
I try and ignore the sneaky fingers which are working their way down across my thigh, teasing skin through the chiffon of my skirt, trying to keep her touch as soft and as light as the breeze. And I just keep my gaze firm in her eyes, let her think she’s getting away with something, placate her mind just a little from demanding that what she isn’t ready to receive. Believe me, if I thought she was ready then I would so be rolling around in the bed sheets by now. Or the garden, or anywhere else that took her fancy.
“You’ll get your welcome back, let’s just make sure that you are back first, okay?”
“Spoilsport.”
She turns her head away from me as if she really is pissed that I won’t give in, but she doesn’t move her hand, still tracing those barely there patterns against the screaming flesh of my thigh.
God I want her.
“Faith?”
And she closes her eyes. Keeps her face turned away and closes her eyes.
“Baby..?”
Knowing that it makes her smile when I call her that. She had told me how no one ever really called her ‘baby’ before, how no one ever really cared that much about her to call her names like ‘baby’. She’s told me lots of things these last three days. Now she isn’t telling me anything. Pretending that she can be asleep when her hand is still playing at awake.
I let my fingers join hers on the soft feel of skirt, interlacing them until I can bring her hand up to my lips, offering her the slightest of kisses to get back her attention. “You know how much I love you Faith, how much I want you… but patience okay? As soon as you have the strength back, I’ll ravish you all night long, possibly a day and a night, maybe two nights…”
“Promise?”
“Ah, there she is…” Smiling as her head turns back to me. “…yes Faith, I promise.”
I set our hands back down on my leg, still joined together, just loving the feel of her skin on my skin, of being close to her again. Almost tutting out my annoyance as the backdoor to the house opens up, as our easy peace is shattered by the arrival of another.
“Hey guys, what ya up to?”
“Nothing Dawn, just sitting, quietly… really quietly.”
“You want me to go away?”
I can’t miss the hurt in her tone and I have to check myself quick. “Hey, no way! Pull up a chair… just do it quietly.”
Hoping that my wink will repair some of the damage. I really have to watch myself with Dawn, I’ve been so selfish, so harsh… I just couldn’t help it. But now I can help it, and it has to stop.
“So kiddo, how was the day?”
“Oh god Faith, SO dull… like what are the chances that I’m EVER going to need to know that the capital city of Venezuela is a place called Carcass?”
“No way? Like a dead body? That’s kinda cool…”
I tune out as I watch Giles making his way over to join us, his face distorting as he listens to the really exciting conversation about capital cities.
“I think you’ll find that it’s actually Caracas, and it is ALWAYS helpful to know your capital cities Dawn.”
“Oh wow! Your voice is just as boring as my geography teacher’s! I know you’re speaking, but still my mind only hears the Carcass…”
“Caracas.”
“Carcass.”
“Cara… oh for god’s sake! I came out here to check on Faith, I refuse to be drawn into the banality of a ridiculous teenage conversation.”
I smile at Dawn, I appreciate the fun times, and she does have a point; his voice CAN sound about as exciting and thrilling as a high school geography teacher’s. I think maybe it’s his Britishness, all that time spent in libraries. I take the time to check at my watch, decide to leave Dawn to it whilst I go and make us all some dinner. Like some toast. Or cereal. I’m good with the cereal.
“Guys, I’m making dinner… what does everyone fancy?”
I cross my fingers for Captain Crunch, catch the shifty look that’s shared between the three.
“I vote for pizza!”
“Good call kid, I’m with Dawn.”
“You don’t think I can cook?”
“It’s a fact B. You may be highly skilled in other areas, but the kitchen just isn’t one of them.”
“Giles?”
“I’m afraid I have to agree with them Buffy, I may not think that pizza is the chosen food of champions, but we’ve only just gotten Faith back, it’d be a terrible shame to lose her again so quickly…”
“Not funny.”
I try and show dismay at the rather unfair disregard for my cooking, but it’s hard when all of them are busting their guts to stop from laughing.
“Fine! But it’s coming out of your allowance Dawn… not so funny now right?”
“If I got an allowance it wouldn’t be.”
“Well consider this forewarning that when you do get an allowance, the pizza will be paid for!”
“Well can we get anchovies and pineapple then… as I’m paying?”
“That’s wicked gross… I want meat feast supreme, double supreme.”
I can only shake my head and wonder if I have enough money to pay for any kind of supreme.
“I think we can afford a small cheese and tomato… possibly one anchovy.”
“I’ll cover the cost of the pizza Buffy. Dawn, if you wouldn’t mind doing the ordering?”
“Oh I love the ordering! I’m gonna get the anchovy, and the Caracas supreme for Faith… what do you want Buffy?”
But I’m still smiling at her cleverness. She’ll make a good little pun girl yet.
“B..?”
“Oh right… uh, I’ll get the meat feast too. Double supreme.”
And just the thought of hot food is enough to get my mouth watering. Playing nurse to Faith is fantastic, but it’s not always so easy to remember to look after myself. I don’t think I ate anything the whole of last week, and even now my own needs are squashed somewhere below making sure that she has everything that SHE needs, and that the rest of my extended family are getting firmly back to their feet. I settle myself down as I watch Giles turn to leave with Dawn, only just remembering that he’d had a purpose to coming out here in the first place.
“Giles… I thought you wanted to check up on Faith?”
“Well I’d say it’s quite obvious that she’s doing rather superbly Buffy, and I’m sure that I can trust in you to make certain that she has anything else that she needs.”
I smile slightly as he carries on his way to the kitchen. Just waiting for her words. Knowing that they are coming.
“You hear that B?”
And here we go…
“What’s that Faith?”
“What Giles said, that I’m doing superbly, and you have to give me anything that I need.”
I watch as her lips curve up into an almost illegal look of lust, feel as it slides the whole way through my body. The hairs raising on my neck, my breath catching in my throat.
“I don’t think he meant it like that.”
“But he said what I need… I know what I need.”
“You know what you want, there’s a definite difference.”
Trying to make my eyes pull away, because she isn’t strong enough yet, she does still need to rest, to get better. It doesn’t matter that all I can do at night is to lay next to her gorgeous body and pray for the time when I can lose myself inside of her again, can feel the absolute security in the surety of her touch. No. I have to think about what is best for her. I have to think about how much strength her body lost in the fight against evil, not what I want her body to give to me in goodness.
“It’s all the same to me B, want, need… you.”
“Stop it.”
Her hand finding the top of my skirt again, teasing fingers inside of the waistband to bring my skin to life. Making me bite hard on my lip to prevent me from crying out in crazed wild abandon everything that ‘I’ want. That ‘I’ need.
“Stop it? You really mean that?”
Deep breaths.
“Faith… please?”
Her head sliding from side to side as she grazes a touch across my navel, exposed to the dipping sunshine, exposed to her. “Not gonna.”
Eyebrows assuring me that stopping is the furthest thing from her mind. That not stopping is the only thing ‘on’ her mind.
“Hey guys!”
The sudden sound of Willow making her jump as if shocked. Making me jump as if shocked.
“Wills, hey, how was college?” Breathing deeply now to try and grab at oxygen.
“Same old same old, we pretty much just have to make up all of the stuff we missed out on when Tara was… you know? Not here. Nothing too exciting, nothing as exciting as sitting in the sunshine all day.”
She drops her bag down beside us, and crosses her legs to sit. Faith not even looking at her as she instead pouts her way into feigning at sleep again.
“It is pretty exciting just sitting. My kind of exciting.”
“Yeah, I caught that, all hands up tops. And you can quit with the pretend sleep Faith. I saw all of your smooth moves on my way out here.”
It makes her turn her head back, give a grin which is close to devilish. “If you saw them Red, then why didn’t you stay inside? It’s like everyone wants to conspire to stop me from getting some…”
“Aw, is Buff not putting out?”
“Buff is right here, and no, she isn’t… she’s being responsible and trying to let her girlfriend recover from her hell time ordeal.”
“Well that sounds like fun… or not! You know Faith, I helped Tara recover from the hell time thing with all sorts of tender loving care, I think you need to lodge a complaint.”
“You think it would work?”
And I let them have their fun, let them talk around me as if I am not here. They both seem to forget though that Tara was never really touched by the evil, that Tara got to chill out in hell without baring even a single lasting scratch to remind her of the time, kinda the complete opposite of Faith’s five minutes in the underworld. The five minutes where she held onto the evil even whilst it sucked at her soul, the five minutes where the tendrils of doom slid inside of her body and stopped her heart from beating… uh-huh. We’ll just forget all about that and get right on with the sexy stuff.
“What do ya say B?”
“What do I say?”
“Red seems to think that we should be fine if I just lay back, and you do all the ‘hard work’… what d’ya think, good plan?”
“I think that ‘Red’, should go back inside and take care of her own girlfriend’s sex needs, leave mine to me!”
Just a little undercurrent of a growl. The tiniest marking of territory.
“Oooh someone’s a little touchy.”
“She sure is Red, looks like I’m not the only one that’s needing their cork popped.”
And can I scream? Except of course that would only give them more ammunition, still not letting me forget the one night where I dared to be a little vocal because I was having the best sex ever of my life. I can’t win. I really can’t win. I take a look at their little exchange of smirks and I feel it all boiling up inside. Boiling over.
“Fine! Let’s do it then Faith!” Surprising them both as I jump to my feet and start to unwrap my skirt. “We’ll forget the fact that you actually died last week, that you spent seven days in some god damn mystical coma whilst I was sat here wondering if you might just die again… forget that every time I close my eyes all I can see is that messed up evil leech sucking at your soul again, cos hey… you wanna get laid right, and THAT has to be the single most important thing on the planet right now, so come on… let’s do it!”
And they’re both sitting there open mouthed, whilst I just stand here with my panties on show, wondering that I shouldn’t have maybe thought that little moment through before I’d begun to spit it all out. Meekly trying to recover just a little bit of dignity with the rewrapping of the chiffon.
“Okay, well… I’m just gonna go and see Tara, erm… I heard mention of ordering pizza. Uh-huh… just gonna go back inside and forget this ever happened…”
“Wills…”
“No Buffy, it’s fine… crazy outbursts are of the good.”
Seeing the funny little face she pulls at Faith as she makes her way back to the house.
“You really wanna get straight down to it here B, right here?”
“NO!”
“Hey calm down, just playing…”
I stamp down another outburst by pacing the grass for a minute. Not looking her in the face, not looking at her at all. I just… god, does she not get it?
“Faith… I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry that I won’t just get with the giving, but… argh!”
“Huh?”
“I saw what happened to you! Every time I close my eyes I see what happened to you, and I can’t forget that… I can’t risk hurting you just because your hormones are being all demandy… do you understand?”
And her face loses the easy smile that she has found again in the last three days, her eyes losing all of the shine that makes her mine. Instead laying her head down with a slight wince of pain, her voice taking back the hoarseness that her broken body demands.
“Of course I understand B, Jesus… what do you think I see when I close my eyes huh? You think it’s all picnics and flowers?”
“I don’t know Faith… you won’t talk to me about it, you won’t tell me…”
“Maybe because it hurts too much.”
I close the distance that I have stupidly put between us, drop back down to sit beside her and let my fingers find her hand to hold her steady.
“You won’t even let me tell you what you did.”
“I don’t need to hear it B, I know what I saw, what I felt…”
“What about what I saw? You have to hear it some time.”
And she does. She just won’t listen though. She’d opened up so much these last few days, filling in blanks I never knew about pre Sunnydale Faith… but nothing about inside the portal. Not wanting to hear how she had cleared the way for me to Tara, how her hands had wrapped so tight around the oozing tendrils of evil, as if demanding that they feed upon her, that they stay away from me… throwing herself into the thick of the beast to give me the time to free our friend. She won’t hear a word of it.
“I know what you saw, you saw me get feasted upon, all that evil inside of me B, must’ve made quite a show.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about!” Her eyes staining with tears as her head turns fully to face me. My hand almost wanting to pull away from the force that she holds me with. “It fucking sucked me dry B, god, if it wasn’t for you I’d still be in there, hanging out with all the other evil fuckers in the world…”
“No…”
“Yes! I felt it Buffy, I fucking felt it… inside of me, all around me. Showing me every bad as fuck thing I have ever done…”
“But it didn’t get you, you got it.”
And she clenches tighter, my knuckles straining to break free from her grasp.
“Stop talking crap! I fell as soon as we went through, I didn’t even see Tara… I didn’t even see you. I fucked up again.”
“No Faith, that isn’t what happened.”
But her head shakes like every other time I have tried to make sense to her. The same as when anyone tries to talk to her. She just refuses to believe that she was anything other than bad. Nothing close to good enough.
“Why won’t you believe me? Do you think I would lie to you?”
“I think you’d do anything to make me feel better…”
“I wouldn’t lie to you Faith, I promise. I swear I wouldn’t lie.”
Her sigh sounding so empty as she lets her eyes slide closed. Her grip lightening on my hand the longer that she takes the short measured breaths, her chest calming into a steady rhythm until I know that she really is sleeping. Exhausting herself with everything that is inside of her head. All of the things that she won’t tell me, all of the things that she believes are the truth.
And I don’t move. I won’t move. I stay by her side, stroking her brow, pulling the blanket up to wrap tighter around her as the sun begins to set. As darkness comes.
“Buffy?”
“Oh hey Tara, how are you feeling?”
Keeping my voice so soft not to wake Faith, to just let her rest.
“I’m good, much better.” Giving me a radiant smile which splits the darkness, more than enough to prove it. “There’s pizza inside, are you coming in?”
“No, I’m gonna let Faith sleep for a bit longer, the fresh air is probably good for her.”
“You want me to save some?”
“I guess so, whatever.”
I try and stave off the tears which want to find my eyes as she shows me so much concern within her gaze. As she comes over to my place and takes the seat beside me.
“Hey sweetie, how are ‘you’ feeling?”
“Do you want the truth, or do you want the party line?”
“We’ll start with the truth, I’m a big believer in the truth?”
But I don’t know if it feels right to speak the truth to anyone other than Faith. Wanting her ears to be the only ears that take my confessions. But this is Tara, and Tara always knows the right things to say to make it feel a little bit better, a little bit bearable.
“I’m just finding it all so hard, it’s great having her back, god… it is so much better than great, the greatest even…” I take a second to caress her again, to let her know that even in her sleep, I am still here. “…but it’s all so damn hard. She won’t listen to me Tara, all she hears is what she wants to hear, and I just don’t know how to get through to her.”
“What do you mean? She won’t hear what?”
“All of the portal stuff, she just won’t believe what she did… she won’t believe that she didn’t screw up, that she isn’t just a screw up. And you know as much as I do, that she totally didn’t screw up.”
“Of course she didn’t screw up, why would she think that?”
“I guess the fact that she got filled full of the badness, maybe the seven day coma thing… who knows, but she won’t believe me. She won’t even let me talk about it.”
“Do you want me to talk to her?”
I don’t really. I want nothing more than for Faith to hear me. But that’s selfish, and I know that. So I nod my head. I offer thanks to Tara, and I accept that it won’t be me who makes Faith believe in Faith.
“She really is kind of special isn’t she Buffy?”
“You’re asking me?”
“It was rhetorical, I assume that you already know how special she is.”
Little innocent eyebrows waggling.
“Yeah, she’s all sorts of special. I just wish that she could see it.”
“She’s had some tough times, but she’ll get there. If you keep telling her, if we all keep telling her, then she’ll get there.”
“I hope so.”
Glancing back down as she stirs in her sleep, her eyes fighting to open, her mouth twitching to smile.
“Hey baby.”
“Hey B… what time is it?”
“It’s not late, you just drifted off for a bit. You wanna go in? There’s pizza…”
“In a minute yeah?”
Her head slipping to the side as if she is considering something. Eyes reaching far inside of me in the way that only she can do. Laying me bare. Laying me open.
“I’m gonna go in, give you guys a moment.”
“Thanks Tara, and hi Tara.”
“No problem Faith, I’ll save you some food, and hi to you too.”
Watching the exchange of easy smiles as she turns away. Wishing that my smiles were that easy.
“You not hungry?”
“Of course I’m hungry B.”
“Then why with the staying out here?”
“I just… I’ve been thinking.”
“Uh-oh… should I be worried?”
“Buffy.”
And I catch the ominous sound to her tone, the heavy way it sits between us.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, it’s just like I said, I’ve been thinking.”
Whilst she was sleeping?
“And what was ya thinking about?”
“This and that. Hell. You know, the norm.”
“Okay… and what did you decide?”
“Other than that hell is really not so nice, well… fuck… I just, look… if things really did go down the way you say they did, and I’m not saying that I’m convinced, but if they did… then I guess I wanna hear about it, right?”
And I feel my brow furrowing, my eyes narrowing on her innocent look. “You weren’t sleeping, were you?”
“I was.”
“Faith?”
“Okay, so I started off sleeping, but I kinda came round with the Tara and the mention of the pizza, funny thing that, me and the food.”
“More like you and the hot girl!”
“You think Tara’s hot?”
Oh god. I so didn’t mean that, but…
“Well, she is hot, right?”
“She’s a honey, nothing on you though B.”
And that does make my smile come easy. My own eyebrows dancing as I try my best to look something like hot. “Thanks.”
“Not a problem… now as I was saying…”
“You were saying?”
“The hell shit, if it is like you said… well, I wanna talk about it. Maybe Tara as well, if she saw what you saw.”
“She saw the same as me, she saw what you did… you were kinda heroic, you have to know that?”
And her head just shakes in confusion, real confusion, not pretending because she doesn’t want to believe, but truly not knowing what she should believe.
“I dunno, it’s just… it’s all so different than I remember. I just remember falling, I remember the bad shit getting me… and then I remember you. That’s about it.”
“Maybe we should talk to Giles and Angel too, get all the heads together, try and figure out what the heck went on.”
I laugh as her tummy rumbles out a louder request than my ‘putting our heads together’ idea.
“Sure thing B, just food first okay?”
“Definitely okay!”
“And then I dunno, maybe a little desert? A little bit of pie for afters?”
“I don’t think we have any pie, I can check the fridge, pop out and get one?”
More confusion as her tongue trips out to slide at lips, as her eyes do that devilish thing again. “Not that kinda pie B, I was thinking more, ya know… your kinda pie?”
“Do you ever give up?”
“I’ll give up when you do.”
And I want to. Showing her just how much I want to as my mouth comes closer to hers, as my own tongue slips out to slide around her lips, kissing as deeply and as urgently as I have dared to since she had woken up to me three days ago. Letting loose just a little of the passion which is firing so steadily through my veins for her.
“Now THAT is more like it. I swear B, you keep kissing me like that and I’ll be back on my feet in no time.”
“I keep kissing you like that and we’ll never get you off of your back. Now come on, lets get that pizza that your tummy keeps demanding.”
“And then the pie?”
I just laugh as I help her up. As I take a little of her weight to steady her on the way to the door. She is after all, still a little weak. The sickness may have been not so obvious today, but her body is still feeling the affect of everything that the Geraldo style leech did to her. And it makes me smile to think of what she did to it. Makes me smile more with the knowledge that she is finally going to let me tell her.
POV Faith.
What’s the opposite to déjà vu? Cos I have it. I hear all of the words, I see all of the smiles, and yet all I can remember is the absolute feeling of the bad. There is nothing familiar to me in anything that they say. All that I can recall is the way that it feels to have evil sliding its way through me, knowing beyond anything else that it damn well belongs there too. Yeah. That’s what I remember, just the memory of memories. Seeing all of my proudest moments back to back, all of the hurt, all of the pain… and all of it courtesy of me. So you can understand why I don’t have the smiles to return, why I can’t stand up and lead the cheers of ‘go me!’, because to me it all still sounds like so much crap.
It doesn’t make sense any other way. I would remember if I had been a hero, if I had walked through that portal, as Buffy says I did, and thrust myself at the leech to distract it from her. If I had buried my arms elbow deep into the tendrils of darkness to force them to suck everything from me whilst she rescued Tara… I KNOW I would remember. My whole fucked up life I just wanted to be good enough, and there is no way that I would forget a moment that finally proved to me that good was what I was. What I am. No. I would remember.
“Faith?”
And Giles can slide the paternal tone into his voice all damn night if he wants to, it still won’t make me nod my agreement.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. I hear you, I really do… but it doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t change what I know.”
“You were in a different dimension, fighting in the very pit of all evil, do you really expect that the beast wouldn’t have the power to affect your perception, your memories?”
“You tell me. Kinda screwy how it messed with my memories and not B’s though, not Tara’s either, you got an explanation for that one?”
I know I smirk as he bows his head, and I know I don’t mean to. It’s just all too fucked up. The whole gang gathering round to tell tales of big brave Faith, and me just sitting here feeling like stupid small Faith. I let my head bow too, let it stay that way until more words are spoken.
“When ‘I’ came out I was different, I had no real memory of time and experience, I was completely reduced to a feral existence. It’s different for everyone Faith, you can’t just dismiss what we’re saying because we can’t show you proof.”
“I can Angel, I can and I will…”
“No.”
I let my eyes travel to her. To Buffy. All the way across the room where I had made her sit. She wanted to sit with me, of course she did, but I couldn’t allow that. Couldn’t let her charm the words into me with soft and sure touches, let her cloud my memories of badness with the sweet feel of goodness. But she looks at me now and I wish that she was close to touch, to soothe. I can take my own pain, I can take years of it, but it’s so much harder to see hers.
“Aren’t you even going to let me speak Faith? I thought that that was the point in this, that you were going to listen, that you were going to hear.”
“Well all I’ve heard so far B, is a whole lot of shit I don‘t understand, do you have anything different to add?”
I know that my tone is harsh, but I’m just not able to stop it. Even as her eyes cloud over with broken emotion, I just can’t let it go. This feeling of failure, this feeling like I fucked it all up again.
“Well I have something to add, how ‘bout you listen to me?”
Gunn’s smooth as silk voice slides its way across the room, ripping my focus away from her pain. I had forgotten for an instant that there was still an audience, not only the Scoobs, but the LA gang as well, all of them having this nice little pow-wow to make me feel all good about myself. It’s going well. Really.
“You weren’t even in there Gunn, what the fuck do you know?”
“Don’t give me that crap. Where’s the feisty Faith I first met in LA? The girl who could take ten rounds of pounding and then dish out ten more, cos I’m telling you girl, there ain’t no way that that Faith would’ve gone into no messed up hell dimension and laid herself down for evil to bite a slice, not a chance.”
“You wasn’t there.”
“Wrong. I was right there. I was making slimy sushi outta those leech sized tentacles the whole time you were in there fighting. I know what I saw, what I heard… and girl you’ve got it all messed up.”
I want to bang my head hard against a wall. Either I am really wrong, or they are all in this together… I just… argh, it feels like maybe…
“I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
“Yay! A breakthrough!”
“Yeah, funny Cordy. Thanks.”
“I’m not going for the humour, but Jesus Faith, you’re as bad as the other one with the overload of feeling sorry for yourself. Get over it, you did good. Be proud. Don’t make me knock the sense into you.”
I eye her up as she stands from her seat, all purposeful and strong. Her tone not leaving any room for comebacks or argument. Just a minute to sit here and to think. To wonder again what the fuck really did happen inside of that damn portal.
“Okay.”
“Okay what?”
“I wanna hear B’s side to it, and Tara… both of you were there, I’ve got the low down on what these goons saw from the outside, so tell me… what really happened?”
I just want to know the truth. Not made up bullshit to make me feel better, but the truth. If I fucked up, so be it, I can live with that…
“I can tell you what I remember?”
I smile my approval at Tara, a wary smile that says I will listen. I can’t promise that I’ll believe what she says, but I will try to listen. Try to hear.
“I don’t know how long I was in there, I know how long they say it was… but time was different inside. It was like I could feel myself getting weaker, but nothing was hurting me… I saw Warren consumed, I… I wanted to help him, but I couldn’t move, like I was trapped…”
Willow’s hand is twisting softly through her hair as she speaks, fingers making soft blonde tendrils, instead of the dark and nasty kind. It makes me look to B again, makes me wish that I had allowed her to sit closer.
“…I was just waiting, I knew that you would come, that all of you would come… and then you did. I heard my Willow’s words to open up the portal, I watched as you and Buffy took those first steps inside… and I watched as Buffy fell.”
You what?
I know my eyes fly to both of them, two open faces offering me confirmation of a fact that I hadn’t heard before. I had never allowed the tale to progress this far, not allowed voices to get past the first lies of hero, and now it just brings more confusion, complete and utter confusion.
“I don’t… B didn’t fall, ‘I’ fell…”
“No Faith, listen to her… just listen, please?”
Buffy’s plaintive plea is enough to hold me back from cursing out disapproval, from cursing out my shock. I want to. I have a whole list of ‘what the fucks’ just dying to get out and be heard, but her tone, her voice, her eyes which look more tired than mine feel, they all reach in and touch me, they quieten me.
“You didn’t fall Faith, I don’t know what you saw, what you remember, but YOU did not fall… you pulled Buffy free, you were screaming so loud, she was screaming so loud, and you just pulled her free…”
“But…”
“No buts, it’s true. Tara’s telling the truth. When I stepped through that portal all that I could feel was totally alone. Deep down inside, alone. I lost sight of you Faith, all I could see was every bad thing I have ever done, I saw Finch, I saw myself leaving you… and I saw him. I saw Spike…”
“But…”
“Hey! She said no buts!”
Dawn shrieks it out as I try and break the story again, try and break my way through all of the bullshit and lies. I get that she wants to hear the story too, that she wants the confirmation in her young mind that I am the big brave hero she’s built me up to be. But this did not happen, I would remember. I would know if it had happened that way. I offer her a subdued wink, offer the room a weary sigh as Buffy begins to speak again.
“After you pulled me free from it, I could focus again, I could see Tara, I knew what I had to do, and I didn’t stop to think, I thought that you were with me, at my side… I didn’t realise that it had you too, that it was already creeping its way up your leg, wrapping around you… and god, I didn’t know that you were gonna fight it like that…”
“Fight it?”
“It’s true Faith, Buffy was busy rescuing me, and you were busy grabbing at every slimy piece of evil leech that you could get your hands upon…”
“No…” They have it so wrong, it all sounds so wrong! “…I could feel it inside of me. Jesus, guys… it was inside of me!”
“Actually, that kinda came later.”
Tara’s soft smile tries to lighten my load, but all I can do is to want the wall again. And the head smashing. Possibly really hard.
“You threw the first punch, I think you made it angry, it sounded angry, and that’s when it went inside of you, not before that.”
I just don’t know what to say. I don’t say anything, I just sit here and I wait until Buffy’s tones come back through the silence. Words which are coated in so much more than pain, which tug at something which I do remember.
“I watched it Faith, I saw it get you… I had Tara, I thought we were doing so well, and then I heard you scream, it was… god, it was just so bad, I turned and it had you, all of those sick evil things going inside of you, and the smell… it smelt, I don’t know, it smelt like burning flesh, like it was scorching from the inside…”
“I guess that explains the stink then.”
“Huh?”
“I keep getting these sniffs of burning flesh, makes sense if it was my flesh burning.”
“Well that’s just it, I don’t think it was you burning.”
And I can’t follow this shit anymore.
“So who was burning? You were burning? Tara was burning?”
“No, IT was burning. Whatever you were doing to it Faith, you were hurting it…”
“But I wasn’t doing anything! Don’t you all get that? I didn’t DO anything!”
I have to take a break from this. The confusion, the frustration. Pulling myself gingerly up to standing and stalking from the room, out to the kitchen and grabbing a drink. Splashing cooling water across my face as I try to wash away some of the fucked up feelings.
“Why won’t you believe them Faith?”
“Oh that’s just fucking great, I come out here for a bit of peace and quiet, so you damn well follow me out here? Can’t you just give me a minute Angel? Just a fucking minute.”
“And can’t you just calm down? Try deep breaths.”
And I do try, I am trying… but damn it! I want to punch something, maybe everything. It’s just such a fucking frustration not remembering a god damn thing that they say that I did, not remembering anything which means something.
“Don’t fuck with me okay. I’m fine, I just want a moment to chill.”
He’s brave enough to come closer, to take the soda from my hand and to pop the ring pull. Holding it back out to me like some kind of sacred gift.
“You don’t think I can open my own soda now?”
“I think that you can do anything you put your mind to Faith, but that doesn’t mean that you can turn your back on help when it offers itself to you. That’s all everybody is trying to do here, they want to help you.”
And here comes my sigh.
“I get that, really… but don’t you get how hard this is? I don’t remember anything Angel, not a thing! All of it sounds like crap to me. It feels like crap.”
“Maybe you don’t remember, because you won’t remember.”
“And maybe you’re as full of shit as the rest of them.”
But I don’t mean it. He may be full of brooding melancholy, but he is not full of shit. Neither are the others… maybe it’s just me.
“What would be so terrible in listening to them, in believing in them like they believe in you? Surely you can give them that much, they deserve that much.”
“They do, I know they do… but it’s not about that, right? You know the score Angel, you know the ins and the outs of how it all works, of how ‘I’ work, so you tell me?”
“You want me to tell you?”
“Of course I fucking do! Someone has to make sense for me.”
I feel like I’m pleading, and I know just what he is going to say. My truth as he sees it, the truth as it is for me. Something which can’t be cured with any quick tales of bravery, stories of you did this and they did that. No matter how many voices want to speak it, there are just so many reasons that I can’t hear it. Can’t just accept it.
“You’re scared of believing in yourself, you’re terrified that it’s really the truth, because if it is, and it really is Faith, then you’re gonna have to stop doubting everything, doubting yourself… no more questions, no more drunken screams to the PTB. If you accept this, then you know that you’re good enough. And that is as bigger fear for you as being not good enough. Am I right?”
“You know that you’re right.”
And it does sound like sense to me. Not portals and tendrils and doom and gloom. Just the underlying truth of it all. I want so bad to be good enough, and yet I’m so damn scared that I might be. That everything which my whole life has been built upon will come crashing down around me. I’ve learnt to live with self doubts, I’ve had to learn to live with them… and now the thought of living without them is just so totally and utterly terrifying.
I let my dusty eyes meet his, shine my acceptance of the words to him as I feel my body deflate. Let his cool hands pull me tight into a hug.
“You have to let it go Faith, you can’t keep punishing yourself for every bad act, every bad deed. You have a purpose, you have a calling, and the only thing which will stop you from being your best is yourself. You’re the only thing strong enough to ever hold you back.”
“You have to say that, you’re a friend.”
“No, I don’t have to say anything, if I wanted to, I could say that you drink too much and that your language is appalling, that would be a friend thing to say. But not this, this is the truth, and you know it’s the truth. Now you just have to accept it.”
Yeah.
“You think I drink too much and my language is appalling?”
But I will scoot the issue. I heard him, it’s in there, but I’m not about to get all touchy feely with Angel in the kitchen, he knows me. He knows how I deal, and I trust that he’ll play along like he always does. Like I need him to. Pushing myself back from his hold to support myself against the counter. Not prepared to show a lack of strength, when all that I’m trying to do is to hold onto my strength.
“Yes on both counts Faith, you’d put a sailor to shame, a whole boatload of sailors. Irish sailors. But this really isn’t about that.”
“It isn’t? Cos bitching at a girl’s habits is a big issue Angel, you’ve gotta give me the chance to defend my honour.”
And here comes the look that just screams of the brooding and the melancholy and the oh so deep down intensity.
“No Faith, no defence necessary. You are who you are and you have to accept that, the same way as all of us do. You can strip away the language and the drinking, and the ‘five by five’ fast living, but underneath it all you’re still the same person. It’s about time that you looked inside and saw the goodness there, stopped trying so hard to hide behind the bad.”
“You think I’m hiding?”
“Aren’t you?”
And what the fuck do I know?
I let out another of the sighs which signal how much I don’t know and how tired I am. Tired of all of it. “I don’t know Angel, I wanna believe it, getting a gig as a hero instead of a fuck up sounds cool, but…”
I see it all again. I feel it all again. The darkness and the deeds. Twisting tight inside of me.
“…how do I know? How do I know what’s truth and what’s bullshit? How do I…”
“How do you trust? Because that’s what it all comes down to, trust. You don’t trust yourself, your own judgement of good, so you have to go back inside that room and look around at all of the people who want to talk to you. Do you think that Buffy would lie to you? Do you think that any of them could lie to you? Can you trust them?”
“What the hell is this Angel, fifty thousand fucking questions?”
I pull long and hard at the can wishing that it was more than soda, wishing that I could feel the harsh kick that told me I wouldn’t have to think for too much longer. But it’s still just soda. Still just me positioned under Angel’s knowing eyes.
“Are you ready to go back in there Faith? Are you ready to listen?”
And he really didn’t get the deal with the questions.
“I think I’m through with the listening for tonight.”
“You can’t keep hiding.”
“I’m not fucking hiding!”
“Well that’s good, cos I’m gonna say that the screaming kinda gives away your position… you do know that we can all hear you in there?”
I turn to see Willow looking almost apologetic for disturbing us, and I just wanna kiss her. Trying to deflect Angel when he’s in serious ‘setting you straight’ mode, can be pretty damn wearing, and she has just saved me from a whole lot more of it.
“Hey Red, you come to drag me back in there too?”
“Nope, no dragging, just refreshments. Anya’s pretty upset that you’re making her miss her supper, Dawn’s looking like she should’ve hit the sack hours ago, and all of the guys from LA just look like they wanna be, uh… in LA. So I’m getting drinks. Drinks and cookies.”
And drinks and cookies do sound good. Much better than trust and goodness and badness and portals. I offer to help, to carry a tray of the sweet stuff back into the lounge which is now full of the heartfelt glances. Eyes which all look to me in some kind of fucked up sympathy. A total overload of the caring and sharing. And I just sit here pretending that my cookie holds more interest than all the rest of them put together, not even finding the courage to lose my eyes in B. Scared of the disappointment I’ll find there.
“Are we ready to reconvene?”
And how about a no?
“I think that maybe Faith has had enough for tonight Giles, perhaps we can do this tomorrow, after everybody has had some sleep?”
“I really think that it would be advisable to get through it all now Angel, I understand that Faith is weak, but surely it would be better to finish with it tonight, rather than prolonging the agony.”
“And ‘I’ don’t want to miss my supper for nothing! Faith can take it, she’s a big strong slayer!”
“Quite obviously your supper is top of our agenda Anya…”
“Can you all just shut the hell up?”
Her voice makes the whole room turn. Makes me turn.
“Sorry guys, really, but I am so utterly exhausted, and so is Faith. There won’t be anymore of this tonight, I don’t care about suppers and prolonging the agony, or any of that other crap… all I know is that in the next ten minutes I will be putting Faith firmly into bed. What you guys choose to do is up to you.”
And no one is going to argue with her. She is already standing, already lifting Dawn and pointing her in the direction of the stairs, already turning to me and holding out her hand. And what is there for me to do, except take it?
I could count every crack in the ceiling another fifteen times and it still wouldn’t speed the seconds up enough for her to be here. Ten minutes? I’ve been sat here for twenty. Putting me to bed? I’m just about ready to collapse on my own. But still I sit here and I wait. I’ve acted like an ass to her tonight, excluding her from my touch, not listening to her words. Not even meeting her eyes. And now all that I can do is to sit here and wonder if the cool feel of her hand is the only touch she is going to give me tonight. It would probably be all that I deserve.
I just… it’s so easy to say the words, to speak to B about good enough not mattering, about how loving each other is enough to see us through, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe it does matter. Maybe I am still hiding, using fancy phrases to get me out of tight situations, pretending I can make the world a better place, when I haven’t even got the guts to make myself a better place. To let go of all of the crap which I allow to hold me back. I never figured on myself as a martyr, as a sack of self pitying bullshit, but maybe that’s exactly what I am…
The door handle turning is enough to make me jump, to make me hold myself ramrod straight and await her entry, watching as she comes through the door with her eyes held firmly on the floor, fussing endlessly around the room as she makes a grab at her bed clothes.
“B?”
“Uh-huh?”
Not looking, just moving.
“Are you pissed at me?”
“Why would you think that?”
“There’s the not looking at me, the clipped tones… it’s all there.”
And now she does look, arching those eyebrows high up on her face. “All night you’ve ignored me Faith! All night!”
“I didn’t… I wasn’t ignoring you.”
“Well I guess that just makes me stupid then, because it sure felt like you were ignoring me. The sitting yourself all the way across the room, the not hearing a god darn word I had to say… oh, and of course the secret little, not so hushed, conversations with Angel in the kitchen. Yep! Definitely stupid me.”
She’s pacing back and forth as if wearing a hole in the carpet is gonna make it all make sense, when all that it’s really gonna do is tire her little legs out even more.
“B stop, I’m sorry okay. I acted like an ass, and I’m sorry.”
“Carry on.”
“I uh…” And where are the words? The ones which say everything I feel. The ones which explain how hard it is to even begin to imagine that I’m chocked full of the good stuff instead of all the bad.
“Oh look, and now I get the silence. I’m gonna go to bed Faith, we can talk this one through in the morning. I’m exhausted, I know you’re exhausted, so lets just leave it. Get some sleep.”
“But Buffy…”
“No! I am so sick of hearing your ‘buts’, can you not just listen to me? Just this once, I’m tired Faith, I want to sleep. You can go over every reason that I’m talking crap to you, that I would lie to you, in the morning. That’s it. Now close your eyes.”
“Close my eyes?”
“You think I’m putting on a show for you tonight? Either close your eyes or I’m going in the bathroom to get changed.”
And man is she pissed! I do close my eyes though, it’s kinda scary… since we’ve been, I don’t know, together, she hasn’t been pissed at me at all. And I don’t like it. Or I like it too much. Something to consider as I imagine the pulling off of clothes over the tightness of curves. As I imagine her standing there butt fucking naked and raging her words out at me.
“Do you think this is funny?”
“Can I open my eyes?”
“No! God, you are so infuriating! I’m trying to be pissed at you Faith, could you at least quit with the smirking?”
Oops. I didn’t realise I was smirking out loud. Put a lid on the thoughts Faith, a lid for the naughty thoughts.
“I wasn’t smirking. I was… uh, grimacing?”
“Well quit!”
Holding my breath as the seconds tick by, dying to peek just a little, just a tiny little look see.
“Okay, I’m done. Your turn.”
I catch the clothes she tosses, my arm outstretching before my eyes have even opened, feeling like my slayer senses are all slipping right back into alignment. Something in this room just making them tingle and buzz with a certain deep intensity.
“Are you gonna close your eyes B?”
The hairs along my arm all standing to quick attention with the look that she gives me. Disdainful and pissed. And damn fucking hungry. Imploring my legs to feel the strength of the moment as I make a try at standing before her. At reaching out my hand to touch her. Not with coolness, but with heat. Forgetting pissed, just feeling this.
“Faith…”
Tracing the neck line to her bed shirt, the soft skin which marks the curve of her neck, eyes fixing onto the pulse which beats so strongly, which calls for me to touch.
“I’m pissed at you, do you understand that?”
“I get that.”
Feeling the fire in her gaze as she demands that I look at her, as her hand slips firm behind my head and commands that I look at her. And I’m not moving, I am so deep in those eyes.
“You hurt me tonight Faith, you pushed me away again… you talk about me not hiding, you give great sermons on me not hiding, and yet you still try and push me away. Why do you do that?”
My fingers are dropping down from her neck to slide across the front of her shirt, to seek the opening which sits so temptingly at her navel, to glide across skin and to revel in her gasps.
“I’m not pushing you away now, am I?”
“Stop it.”
Feeling the dip at the base of her back, bringing my hands into meet so as she is here in my hold. But not moving my eyes, nothing being able to tear my eyes away from the things which I see in hers. The things which speak louder than words. “You don’t mean that B.”
And feeling the trip as she hooks a leg around mine and sends me crashing back down onto the bed.
“Yes Faith, I do mean it. Now are you gonna get changed or are you sleeping in your clothes?”
“Maybe I’ll just sleep naked, you got any problem with that?”
Because I can do that. I can uncover myself to cover my embarrassment at her rejection of me. The way she doused the flames I was so expertly stoking.
“You can do what you like, I’m going to sleep.”
“What, you’re not even gonna help me? I’m still kinda weak B, I need a little helping.” And there is nothing at all hungry in the way which she looks at me now, just a little sad maybe, a whole lot sad.
“There’s only one thing weak about you Faith, and it has nothing to do with your physical strength.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means goodnight, it means sleep well, and it means that the sooner you can stop questioning yourself, the sooner I can stop questioning us.”
“You’re questioning us?”
“I’m going to sleep.”
“B?”
“Goodnight.”
And she turns her back to me. No little kisses that have marked out my last three days of living, just her back and her words. I don’t take off my clothes, I don’t even get beneath the sheets, I just lay and I count those cracks in the ceiling again. No times enough to have her coming back to me. Nothing ever enough to stop me from questioning myself. I let my eyes fall closed on the sight of the distance between us, an abyss I’m not brave enough to cross. I just love her so much, the only thing I’m certain of, the only thing I don’t doubt. And I can’t bear the thought of her questioning us. I need us. I need her. It is all that I can think about as I let myself drift down into sleep.
I feel it coming over me like a fog in the distance, rolling closer, coming closer, just waiting to engulf me, to consume me. And I know what it is, what it means. How the nightmares begin. Trapped in this sleep time confinement that allows no escaping of prisoners, the feeling just as bad as the portal itself. Hearing again the cock sure words which have fallen from my mouth every single night since I came back around, taunting me with the dread I had felt, the warning I should’ve listened to.
‘Don’t get eaten.’
Ha fucking ha. Feeling the touch of her hand as I turn to face the wall, the pinprick growing bigger… the void opening before us. And god do I try. Every word they have spoken, every sigh they have suffered for me, I try and hang onto it all. Try and see with my own eyes what they saw with theirs. Just blackness, the same fucking blackness.
‘B?’
My voice ringing hollow in my ears as I start the nightly search for her, as my knees graze with the sensation of falling.
‘Buffy?’
Still nothing. I know how this plays. I wait for the first slip, the first feel as the tendrils reach up and around me, the hoarse screaming which I know will rip harsh from my throat any second now. The loneliness surrounding me, the badness inviting me. Just waiting to see the show, to feel the first sense of shame as I take a look at a younger sized me. So full of crap, so full of badness. Swapping sex for beer, beer for sex, fast living and ‘five by five’, all of it just waiting here to slap me hard around the head, to remind me again of all that I am.
‘BUFFY!!!’
Ah yeah. There it goes. My scream as I see her fall right in front of me, the rage which consumes me as I deny evil the chance to ever taste the flavour of her goodness.
And what the fuck?
That didn’t happen! That isn’t how it happened! The pain infusing through me as I throw her from its path, my arms screaming out in god forsaken agony as I try for dear life to hold on to it, to keep it all back from her.
‘Oh fuck… argh…’
The words sounding the same, but the pictures all different. My head spinning in absolute confusion, worse than confusion. Two movies, back to back. Side by side. Not a kid full of shit, but a kid living in shit, seeing the stark bareness of walls which I had faced every night. Swapping sex not for beer, but for comfort, to feel like someone cared enough to touch me, to hold me. Whooping out the joy of my first slay, not because I was a badass, but because finally it felt like I had some control, like I had power. Not for anyone else, but just for me. I had power over me. The sickening feel of a cloven caress, still here, still prying into me… but different…
‘God no, please god, no…’
Begging that he take my life for hers… I was a slayer, I was replaceable, but not her… not marking me with her blood in that way, my first taste of absolute failure. The hissing of evil still haunting this nightmare with placating stabs of agreement, the tendrils wrapping tighter around my hands as I seek to beat them down. My eyes fighting the screen to shine bright on B as I see her lift up Tara, as she takes her into her arms… safe…
‘Buffy…’
Not knowing if she hears me, just feeling it flow right through me as her eyes lock into mine. The horror on her face… horror at me? My vision split between an unknown truth, and that which I am sure of. A memory which they say isn’t real, and a truth that I can’t remember. Oh fuck, all spinning in front of me, too much to see, too much to feel. Sunnydale assaulting me again as I train all of my strength into taming the beast, breaking my hand free and thrusting it with such speed, so deep inside of it, feeling her strength as my strength, striking a first blow for good…
‘Thanks B, I couldn’t have done it without ya.’
The sickening dread as it slips right inside of me, so different than before, like a fight to the death, the leech versus me. Evil versus… good? Taunting tones hurting me as it sucks at all of the things which I long to forget, as it slides inside the place I had always reserved for Buffy, the darkness that resides in unquenched desire, in all of the wanting, none of the having. And I fight it so fucking hard. Fight so hard to clear the fog that taints my view, that keeps me wrapped up in tireless edits of endless stakings of men that should never have been staked. Is it real, is this real? Struggling even in this dreamscape to keep the breath inside of my lungs, to keep the leech from pulling me down.
‘I don’t care…’
Thrusting my arms in deeper to pull back everything that it is stealing from me. The cocky smirk not a smirk at my smart ass little self, but a smirk at the fucked up face of evil. And I feel it howl. As I slide my arms in up to their hilt I hear it fucking bellow out a scream, and oh my god… I do remember. I fucking remember this! I’ve heard this scream before, I’ve fought this beast before.
‘Oh god, please… no more…’
I remember my words as I looked to B, as I saw her carry out Tara through the portal, knowing that I was done, that it didn’t matter anymore. No matter what… I had done it, I had stayed strong enough long enough for her to get Tara out. Not caring at the smell which rose up, which rises up again now, the sweet sick smell of burning flesh… not caring that I can feel the soft slide up my arms as it crawls deeper and deeper inside of me…
‘There’s my little firecracker…’
And I wanna stop and wave, because she is here, and I am not. Not caring this time as I see again the sick sadistic twisted smile of the undead soulless fucker, because he is here, and I am not. Knowing even as this nightmare wraps me up in it’s hold, that I will be leaving and they will be staying… that she will save me.
‘FAITH!’
And there she is. Blotting out the replay of an over shown bad movie, of events that never even happened, striding back through a portal that looks to be closing, shimmering so softly behind her as the leech sucks out the last that I can give it. And you know that I push it, that I let my fists clench on it as it clenches on me, my heart beating with the pounding sound of evil…
‘FAITH!!’
Just letting the sound of her voice carry me up and away… not caring, not even feeling anymore as the darkness finds a home in my heart, because there isn’t any room there, it doesn’t matter anymore, my heart is full of Buffy.
I Watch removed as she runs her way closer to me. My first time at seeing this, my first time at knowing the truth. The real truth. No longer a nightmare, just a memory… my fists clenching so hard, my face clenching so tight in the twisted grimace of pain, seeing for the first time the light as it shoots straight from me, the way it snakes a path along every tendril, the burning rising up again, sizzling through me, from me, right back into the centre of all evil.
Buffy.
I feel nothing but her inside as it spits me from its grasp, as the pain subsides into the sensation of just falling. My fists finally unclenching, my body going limp. I had nothing left to fight… I just had to trust. Had to let myself believe that if I gave it all up, if I let myself fall… that she would catch me, that she could catch me.
And she caught me.
“Faith… oh god, Faith!”
Shaking me, pounding at me. The sick stench of darkness still slipping through my soul, dragging me down, pulling me from her hold. Feeling the emptiness as her hands go from me, letting me fall, leaving me with nothing but the loneliness.
“Guys! I need help in here…”
Trying to open my eyes to see what the fuss is, where the fuss is, why her voice sounds so far away.
“B..?”
“Quiet Faith, don’t talk, don’t move…” Her hands are on me again, and what the fuck is all the excitement for? “…just lay still baby, it’s all gonna be okay.”
“What the…”
“I said be quiet.”
And I try. Trying to hold myself still as I feel something sliding under my skin, making my eyes bulge open as I realise the horror of what she can see. The blackness still inside of me, my body fighting hard to expel it.
“Buffy, what’s going on?”
“Oh god Giles, she was dreaming again, it woke me up… and then this.”
His own eyes bulge as he takes a look down at me. His mouth going from open to shut, to hand over the mouth to stop from…
“Oh fuck…”
My body ripping as I feel it shooting up my throat, bursting forth in streams of uncontrollable black vomit, all over the bed, all over me, all over B.
“I’ll get a bucket, I’ll uh… I’ll get the witches.”
Unless they have some kind of anti puking spell I don’t see what good they’re gonna be, but I can’t argue. My mouth is full of the sickening taste of the burning, laying heavy on my tongue, scratching harsh against my throat. And I just try and concentrate on the touch of her hand, smoothing circles across my back as I let more and more of the bad stuff spill forth. Wondering just how much of this evil shit I have left inside of me.
“It’s okay baby, it’s okay.”
My whole body sweating as I fucking turn inside out, expecting any moment to look down and see my entrails laying in pretty patterns across the bed. Great heaving gasps as I try to pull oxygen back into my lungs. As I just try and breathe.
“Buffy? Giles said…”
And almost losing it now at the look on Willow’s face. At her empty attempt at trying to thrust a bucket in front of my mouth, when already I’ve soaked the whole of the bed.
“It’s okay Will, I think it’s nearly over.”
“Right, well… I’m just gonna go to the bathroom, lose a little of those cookies which were sitting a whole lot nicer before I saw this, possibly I’m gonna lose tomorrow’s breakfast too…”
“Hey sweetie, what’s the problem?”
“Uh… no problem Tara, just uh…”
Wishing I could lock the damn door so as the whole damn house doesn’t get to come and admire the sight of me losing my guts.
“Oh goddess, is she… is she okay Buffy?”
“She’s fine, she just… it’s just more of the sickness. First time today, I thought we were over it.”
And I wanna tell her. I so bad want to stop for just a moment, just so I can tell her. I know what it is! I figured it out, all by myself, little old Faithy. Losing my guts but gaining some insight. I beat it! I beat the fucking evil, and now it’s got no where left to go, no hidden places inside of me that wanna give home to its whispering words of dark deceit. It’s gotta come out, it’s all coming out.
“Should I do something?”
“I wouldn’t come too close unless you wanna get sprayed, uh… just keep Dawn out okay? I don’t want her worrying…” She breaks from the command to rub again at my back, to whisper sweet words of comfort, to hold me closer no matter how much of the sickness I inflict upon her bedclothes.
“…maybe you could get some towels? I don’t know… a whole closet full of towels?”
“Right, towels. I think Giles is brewing tea, do you think she feels like tea?”
And no!
“Maybe when she’s done.”
“No…”
“Quiet Faith, don’t try to talk.”
“I’ll go get the tea and towels, I’ll be right back… and hang in there Faith, you’ll be fine.”
Her eyes slip to mine as she says my name and I see her little smile for me, even as I lay here writhing in my own putrid puke, she finds a smile for me. I wanna say something, but apart from the fact that my mouth feels full to the brim with slimy evil toads, I also know that Buffy would hush any of my attempts at speaking again. It makes me open my mouth even wider to let it all out, letting it just stream into more pools of darkness in front of me. Not trying to stop it, just letting it flow free. All of it out. Grabbing quick for air as I feel the final pieces slide from my throat, as finally at last, my body feels clean again. As I not only know the truth, but I feel the truth. I WAS good enough.
“That’s it baby, just breathe.”
Slipping her hands through my crusted up hair, to pull it back from my face, her eyes shining bright with confusion as I show her my most dazzling smile. Or maybe something close to a smile. I’m covered in shit, it really is hard to tell.
“B, I…”
“No talking, not yet… wait till it’s passed, just let it all out.”
“But it…”
“No! My god, you really do have trouble listening to me, don’t you?”
Shaking my head, not at her words, but at HER complete inability to listen to me!
“I’m okay B, it’s over.”
“How about you let me be the judge of that, huh?”
“No, I mean, it’s over.”
My words not ready yet to make complete sense, my mind still tumbling with the realisation that I was wrong, I was so fucking wrong. Because I was so fucking right. Me. Big bad me, with a soul full of darkness, I was right, I was good, and I swear I’m gonna start dancing any minute. Kinda like a funny feeling, like all of a sudden I’m just bursting with the light stuff… which reminds me…
“The light B, what the fuck was the light?”
“The what? Are you okay? Are you hallucinating, you want me to turn the lights down?”
She keeps rubbing at my hair, at my back, at every sick covered part of me, and I just laugh. I swear it’s all that I can do. I full on, straight up, from the bottom of my belly, I laugh!
“Buff, is she okay… I heard…”
Not caring as Wills come back from her bathroom jaunt, as Tara crowds into the doorway with the biggest damn stack of towels I have ever seen, because this is the best day of my life. I don’t care if I look crazed and manic, if even B is edging a little way back from me now, because I’m gonna keep laughing. It sounds so good. It IS good.
“Faith, baby… are you, can you… stop?”
“No way B…”
Collapsing my weight back to lying, and not even giving a shit that I’m wallowing in everything that my body just threw out. I feel great, I feel fucking great. So strong, so fucking strong and so fucking good!
“I brought the tea. Oh… oh my, is she quite alright Buffy?”
I try and stop the howling laughter, try and catch my breath to catch her eyes. Shining, they’re fucking shining at me. Not questioning me, no room for questions here, just shining. Making my eyebrows dance wild across my face as I look to her, as I trust that she will understand, she will feel it.
“Yes Giles, yes… she’s fine. She’s absolutely fine.”
And now she IS caught up in it. This private sensation that no other girl in the world can share, not one of them, it’s all me and her, it’s just me and her. Forget earlier, forget my hiding and running and playing at scared, I’m not scared, I’m a slayer for fucks sake, I beat evil, I fucking pound evil, and this is the girl that I do it all for.
“I’m fine Giles… really, just give me a moment…”
Pausing to find words, yet still not stopping the full wattage grin from lighting up the room. And it tugs at me again. The light, what the fuck was the light? I wish I could form the words to question the man in the know, but all that I can do is to lay here gibbering nonsense as they try and make a start at cleaning me up. Even Dawn allowed into the room, now that I’ve finished regurgitating the evil.
“That is so gross! I am so not going to school tomorrow, I’m scarred, totally scarred from living in this house…”
“It’s cool kiddo, B’s got a therapy fund for ya, ain’t you B?”
“Oooh, a fund? I have a fund?”
“There’s three dollars in my wallet, help yourself.”
And the look on her face sets me off again laughing. I know they all think that I’m a little with the skating close to crazy, but no way. B knows the deal, she’s laughing too. Even Dawn replacing the quizzical looks with a little of that Summers' shine.
“I’m taking that three dollars, and I’m going back to my bed. Please don’t wake me again. Oh… unless there’s zombies! I never get a good look at the zombies.”
She leaves the room as if this has just been another normal night in the life of an American teenager. Makes me look to Giles and wish that she was British. Or not.
“You know Buff, she’s gonna need a hell of a lot more than that three dollars for therapy. I think I have about twenty put by for books, you want it?”
“Nah Wills, she’s good. If it gets too bad we’ll just lock her in the basement, she won’t need therapy to live down there.”
I let the banter slide its way around me, laying here pliant as they take turns at mopping up the mess, helping me take off some of the clothes which I’m glad I didn’t take off earlier. This would be a damn sight more uncomfortable if I was lacking all of the clothes.
“Right, well… uh, I think that’s as much as we can do Buffy. I assume we can leave the err… the rest of her to you?”
“Hey don’t blush Giles, it’s all good stuff under here.”
“I don’t doubt that Faith, not in the slightest.”
But he still colours up a little, takes off those glasses to have a quick rub. Even the witches stand up to leave. Collecting up all of the messed up towels and smiling another goodnight. From the birds beginning to chirp outside of the window I’d say it’s closer to morning. Either way it’s good. I’m still feeling the good.
I move from the bed with my new found strength to let her change the linen, stand here not moving as she slips the last of the clothes from my body. Breathing in so deep to stop the words of wanting from spilling from my lips. I do want, oh god do I want, but not now. Now I’m buzzing too much from exhaustion, from exuberance, from every damn thing, and I don’t just wanna lose her in that. When I show her all that I have for her, I want to be clear, I want to be concise. I don’t want to be buzzing from anything except from the feel of her.
“You ready to get back into bed?”
“Yeah, I’m kinda beat ya know, maybe I can get some shut eye without the nightmares now. Gotta be a bonus.”
She pulls the covers back and I slide my way inside, not nestling over to her, not quite sure if I’m allowed to, if all of this good cancels out the earlier bad. So I just lay here and listen to the sound of her breathing. Like music. Better than music.
“Faith?”
“Yes B?”
“Do you think it’s a little cold in here?”
“Hmmm…” And no. And definitely not. “…uh, yeah. Sure is. You wanna maybe, I dunno…”
“Come a little closer?”
“Yeah, you want me to come a little closer?”
“You do know this isn’t the end of it Faith? I know something’s changed, I feel it… of course I feel it, but I’m still a little pissed at you…”
“I get that, and it’s cool. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Yes Faith, we’ll talk tomorrow.” Her head rolls to the side to catch me in her gaze, her arms sliding out to gingerly encircle me. “Preferably after we give you a shower though, cos you know, you kinda stink.”
I want to laugh, but I don’t laugh, I bite my lip really hard not to laugh, instead letting my eyes roll back in mock indignation. Rolling myself onto my back to poke my tongue out at those cracks in the ceiling. “Are you gonna wash my back, B?”
“I might do, but then…” I suck at the air as her hand slides light across my stomach, just the slightest of teasing touches. “…I might wash your front Faith, in fact, you play your cards right and I might just take care of all of the sides.”
And now I purr. I straight up fucking purr. My eyes falling shut as I just lose myself to the sensation of those soft teasing circles, to the thought of B taking care of all of my sides. It makes me want sleep already. It makes me want tomorrow. And more than anything, it makes me want her.
POV Buffy.
I bustle my way around the room, trying so hard not to wake her. Kinda trying just a little bit to wake her up too. I want her to sleep, to have some solid sense of rest, but more than anything I want her to wake up. Want to see that light shining all bright in her eyes again, the smile that she slips to me whenever she purrs out her words. She hadn’t even stirred when I had got out of bed to get Dawn up for school. Hadn’t uttered a sound as I made my way to dressed, as below in the house, all activity was frantic. Nope. NO stirring at all of the sleeping beauty.
Makes me smile as I look at her now. So peaceful just laying there, so different from the tortured sleep she has been having for the last few days. I pray that this is it now. No more badness, please god, no more badness. And of course I know that there WILL be badness, we’re slayers, it kinda comes with the job… but no more heart stopping badness. Just the normal kind, the little bumps in the night, as opposed to the big old bumps which I am so totally sick of.
And sick. I never want to see anymore of that black stuff! All morning I’ve been running the towels and the sheets through the washer, but all to no avail. Some stuff just won’t shift. Means we need new linen. I hate shopping for linen.
Her soft sigh draws me closer to the bed, the way she tangles her body around the crisp white sheets as she slips from her back to her side. Her hair falling over her face, her eyelids fluttering on a dream that I wish for her is sweet. And I can’t keep my hand away, I don’t want to, I don’t try to. Just reaching out, so slowly, running fingers lightly across the curve of her shoulder, letting my weight go to sitting as I settle down to take a look at everything I have. And it is beautiful. So achingly beautiful.
There’s a part of me that never would’ve believed that she could make me feel quite so much, my heart full to the brim with every good feeling, smiles lighting my face just because. Because when you love like I love her, then you don’t need any other reason. Love IS the reason. I think another part of me has always known it and that is why it all feels so good, so natural, and so right. The chosen two.
She sighs again as I slip the cover a little further down her back, not to think the naughty thoughts, I don’t need to see her naked to think the naughty thoughts, but just to touch some more of her. My fingers growing in confidence every single time that they stroke across her skin.
"Mmmm."
Smiling wider as a sound like contentment falls from her lips. I want her to be content, I want her to be happy. I want her.
"Faith, baby… you gonna wake up?"
Her nose scrunching a little as my words fall onto her ears.
"I’ve got something for you, if you did want to wake up…"
Marking little teasing patterns across the dip of her collar bone, up to her chin, tracing her lips.
"…I think you’ll like it, it’s really something nice."
Her sighs, which still sound more like purrs, fall out fast again. Rolling her body so the sight of her breasts rises up to greet me. And oh goooood morning!! Who ever knew that a pair of breasts could make me feel so…
"Morning B."
Hot.
"Morning yourself, although… it’s kinda more like lunchtime now."
My lips licking themselves as I try and concentrate on the eyes. JUST the eyes.
"Damn, I guess I was tired."
"Did you sleep well?"
"Fucking fantastic. Serious B, I don’t think I ever slept that good."
Trying hard not to pout as she pulls herself up to sitting, as she pulls the sheet with her, wraps herself up. No. Not gonna pout.
"Well that’s good, sleeping good’s good, it’s really good."
"Sure is girlfriend. Though the waking up is kinda sweet too."
I smile my pleasure as her hand hooks tight into the front of my top, pulling me down to meet and to greet her, to press a soft kiss against the warmth of her lips.
"Definitely sweet."
And she smiles too. Both of us sitting here and grinning like idiots. I said I wouldn’t stop grinning like an idiot, and I think that I really meant it. I can’t help the way that she makes me feel, the buzz of completeness that infuses me whenever she is near. And here. And looking so beautiful.
It almost makes me wish that I could forget the ‘serious’ talk that needs to be had. That I could forget about the shower that so needs to be taken to wash the last of the crusty remnants of last night from the mess of her hair. But I won’t forget, I can’t forget. Serious talks with Faith always leave me feeling stronger, more bound, more secure in whatever it is that we have, and I want to feel secure. I don’t just want the buzz with her, I want everything with her. And so I will talk, and I will ask, and I’ll insist upon all of her answers.
"So what do ya have for me B? I’m all wide awake and ready to receive…"
"I’ll bet you are, but no… that’s not it."
"I saw you scamming on the goodies, I know where your mind is at."
"Nah-uh, I wasn’t scamming Faith, that was just admiration." I hope that my tone hides the truth of all that I really want to do to those 'goodies'. "What I do have for you though is food. Lots and lots of food."
I cast my arm out across the room to the tray I had prepared for her lunch. All sorts of appetising treats to get her belly full and placated. Giles dispatched to the store to fetch a list of groceries that would normally feed an army.
"Looks good, looks damn good."
I ignore the hungry gaze that she runs across my body and I rise to fetch the food. There will be so much time for feasting upon bodies later, first I want to take care of all of her other needs. I want to know if the strength that I can feel sliding in waves from her now, really is back up to full size. I think that it is, I don’t know the whats or the whys, but I know what I feel, and it feels as if all of the weakness has slid from her system along with the bad.
We take it in turns to slip the food into her mouth. All sorts of bagels and muffins, and fruit of the freshest kind. Her lips always taking longer to accept the food from me, wanting to play games of sucking the juices from the tips of my fingers, of letting her tongue roam free all around them as I just sit here and try so hard not to gasp. Not to moan.
"You alright there B? You look a little flushed."
Her hand holding mine firm against her mouth, strawberry covered lips holding my eyes as prisoners.
"Yeah… I…" Feeling the throb in my groin as she does feast upon me. Little slow trips of her tongue that travel across each finger, down to the base and back up again. And god, why does so little, feel like so much? "…I’m fine Faith, really…"
"Really, really?"
"Uh-huh."
Her hand dropping mine now to fall to the sheet, to ever so slowly… oh so slowly, bring it down an inch further… hinting at what’s hiding beneath. So close to the dark contrast that her nipples provide. And I have to stop her, I have to stop her before there is no stopping her, because there is a whole big part of me that is just begging her not to stop.
"Faith, wait." Trying to sound so commanding, putting my hand onto hers, feeling the heat of her touch. "We need to talk, remember?"
"No way… man, you always wanna find the chat when I wanna find the naughty."
"Maybe that’s something to do with you always wanting to ‘find the naughty’. And you still need a shower, cos if you think I want to get naughty with a girl that looks like she spent the night sliding through a sewer, then you are SO wrong."
Or not.
"Well that’s kinda harsh..." She lets her lips curve down, but she can’t stop the shine from being in her eyes. I hope it means that she understands, that she wants to do this properly too. Air out the bad, before we find all the good. The naughty.
"…but I guess I’ll forgive you… as you looked after me so well."
"I did?"
"Hell yeah. I ain’t never had a girl feed me in bed before, all sorts of other stuff, but never the feeding of the food. I liked it."
I take the risk and kiss her softly on the lips again. Nothing prolonged, nothing to get me too full of wanting, but just enough to say that I’ll feed her anytime. That I liked it too. When I pull myself back, she isn’t smirking out anymore comments of the hot times, and I take it as the cue to continue. To start with the talking. Again.
"I need you to understand why I was pissed last night Faith, I don’t want to get all high and mighty, but you did hurt me a bit there, and I want to know why?"
"We’re diving straight into it then? No small talk first?"
"You want small talk?"
"I guess not. I always saw it as a waste of time."
And time is precious.
"So why? Why after everything that we’ve been sharing, did you feel like you couldn’t talk to me? I don’t understand it, really I don’t."
"It’s not that simple B, it wasn’t a case of just spilling my guts, although I guess the gut spilling of last night helped me some…"
"Last night?"
"Yeah. The sickness. The bad shit. Getting it all out."
I let her take the time to order her thoughts. Watch as she closes her eyes and takes a few steadying breaths.
"What I said before B, about good enough not mattering, it was all just words, just things which felt like the right thing to say. The way I should feel. But you know, the whole time… man, it’s like, fuck… inside I always wanted to be good, to be better, but I didn’t believe in myself enough to be the better."
"But you are good enough Faith, you are so damn good."
"Just words again."
I go to protest, to speak my own feelings, but her look won’t let me. It demands that I give her the room that she needs to speak.
"Inside that portal B, everything was so messed up, totally fucking messed up. I saw it all, every bad thing, imagined and real… everyway that I could never even dream of being anything other than bad. And I believed it. All the shit I had inside was making me believe it… I thought, I guess I thought… I don’t know. It wasn’t like I thought you were lying to me, I just thought that you were trying to protect me."
"And now?"
"Now I know that I was lying to myself. I saw the truth B, I felt the fucking truth. All of it..." I watch her as her head shakes, as a little smile pulls up the corners of her lips. "…you were still wrong about the hero part though."
And I CAN protest this one.
"No way, if you saw it all, then you know what happened. If it wasn’t for you, then we’d all be on the losing side. You ARE the hero and you’re just gonna have to get used to that."
"Maybe at the beginning, when we first went through, then yeah. But you came back for me B. Both times you came back for me."
"Both times?"
"Uh-huh. Even when it was the bad stuff, when the evil shit was messing with my memories, whatever… both times you came back for me. You saved me. Damn it girl, you brought me back to life. In my eyes that makes you the hero."
She is so sweet, and so wrong. And I really do love her.
"I shouldn’t have left you in the first place, I should have made sure that you were standing at my side. God Faith, when I realised what was happening, when I saw what that thing was doing to you… I totally freaked out. Ask Wills, I practically threw poor Tara down, went all sorts of crazy trying to get back inside the portal. It wasn’t about being heroic, I just needed you. I shouldn’t have left you."
"You had to get Tara out, that was the job. You didn’t have to come back for me though… slayers are replaceable, the world was saved. But you came back. It means a lot."
And I have to shake my head. Her words just don’t speak the way that they should do. I almost understand. I think. I can’t empathise, I have never been made to feel like less, like the people that love me would ever leave me behind. But I think I understand why she feels what she does. No one ever cared enough to call her names like ‘baby’, and I guess that no one ever really cared enough to not leave her behind.
"Slayers ARE replaceable Faith, you’re proof of that to me. I was replaced, by Kendra, and then by you… but that’s not the point here. The thing that matters, the only thing that matters, is that YOU are not replaceable. I had to come back for you, not just for you, to save you… but for me. I need you and you have to start understanding that."
"Ain’t never been needed B."
It isn’t said in pitying tones, in a way which makes me feel sympathy. It is just said the way that it is. "Well now you are. Crazy concept I know, but don’t worry, I’ll help you get used to it. It’ll be like a mission, teach Faith to feel needed."
She shifts a little in her seat, moves the pillow that she’s resting against, and settles back down. Blows one of her big Faith sighs straight out from her lips. And I have to remember to tell her that being needed, it really isn’t such a burden. That it’s a good thing.
"When I spoke to Angel yesterday, I wasn’t trying to cut you out, to ignore you or anything… but sometimes it feels like he gets me so well. Fuck, he does get me so well. It’s kinda scary."
"He is perceptive. Comes with age I think."
"Yeah, I guess. It’s like I heard everything that you and the guys were saying, but I just couldn’t believe it all… I mean, I felt crap still, my memories were all over the place… and it just took Angel to make me realise where I was going wrong. That I was hiding or something."
She fidgets some more as the tough words come out. Her still a little crusty hair, falling fast in front of her eyes. Maybe still hiding a little. I take the chance and raise my hand, just to slide that curtain back behind her ears, to make her eyes find mine.
"You don’t ever have to hide from me Faith. No matter what it is, what you feel, I will always be there for you. Okay?"
"Easier said than done B. You know…" She draws her gaze away again, drops it to the sheets, to anywhere but me. "…I’m probably more scared of not hiding from you, than anyone else ever. Kinda dumb right?"
"Not dumb, never dumb. Definitely misplaced… but yeah. I get it. I’ve never been one for jumping up and down and shouting out my feelings, in fact, I’m pretty good at hiding things myself… too good sometimes. But I love you Faith…"
Her eyes sweep back up to catch mine. To hold them steady. "…I more than love you. I feel you, and that’s something that I don’t want to hide from anymore. I’m not saying that it’s gonna be easy, most things I do are never easy, but I want to try."
I can see the way that she’s biting on her lip, and for just a moment I fear that she’s going to tell me that it’s all too much. That hiding from all of our history is just so much easier than finding the place where everything is truly okay between us. A place where we don’t ever have to hide from anything anymore. It’s the little chuckle she gives though that beats back my fear, because I do know her enough to know that our depth of feeling could never be laughed at.
"You know, back in the day, I never would’ve believed we could ever sit and talk like this B. I knew that we could make the damn fine hot stuff, that was a given, but I never believed that we could have the more."
"Well you better start believing it Faith, because the more is all that I’m interested in."
And that came out so wrong!
I know it by the smirk on her face, the little piece of herself that she never truly hides. "'All' that you’re interested in? You mean you don’t have any interest in the hot stuff?"
Making me laugh, making me retract my words.
"You know what I mean! Of course I’m interested in the hot stuff, I have a whole heap of healthy interest in the hot stuff, but it’s more than the hot stuff."
"It really is isn’t it?"
Making me smile at the wonder in her voice. Making me confirm her words.
"Yes Faith. It really is. I’m no expert when it comes to the matters of the heart, but I do know that mine is full of you, and I know that I want the more. More and more of you, no more hiding, no afraid to say the things that we feel inside. I need you, all of you, every little insecurity, every bad habit… I want the lot Faith."
Her nod is almost imperceptible, the blow of her breath that tells me she has the fears the same as mine. That I would want an easier option than everything that loving her entails. What’s a darn sight more perceptible is the smile that splits her face, the cocky little tone that slips straight back into her voice.
"You want all my bad habits B? Every single one of them?"
"Uh… I think so, maybe you should give me a quick run down, what am I in for?"
"You asked for it girlfriend." Her body perking up as she pulls her self back up to sit straight, punching the pillow into comfort again. "First off I hog the remote, I hate watching girly crap, got no time for soap operas. I always leave my clothes on the floor, and dirty bath towels, I never clean up after myself, oh, and I belch at the dinner table and I don’t say pardon."
"You sound like Dawn… except for the soap opera part, that girl loves her soap opera. Is that everything?"
"No way B, that was just the mild stuff…" I give her a look as she gives me that big old shit eating grin. "…I’m ALWAYS horny. There ain’t no way I’m gonna be with you and not want you every minute of the day. Not sure if that’s a bad habit, but it is what it is."
"Okaaay, I think I can live with that one. Anything else?"
"Nah, I’m done. The rest can be a surprise right? Something to look forward to."
She wiggles those sexy as anything eyebrows at me, and all that I can do is to think of the things to look forward to. A whole lot of things. Me and Faith. It has me grinning like an idiot.
"What about you B, you got any nasty little habits I should know about?"
"Me? No way, I always tidy up after myself, I never belch at the dinner table, and I take a low fat yoghurt whenever I get the carnal urges. I’m like Mary Poppins."
"You’ve got a flying umbrella?"
"No! I’m practically perfect in every way!"
She laughs. I laugh. It feels so damn good.
"I dunno B, I reckon you’re hiding a few things. You sure you don’t have a secret little porn addiction, something that you feel you need to keep from me? Cos I can take it… just lay it all on the line for me."
And the only thing that I really want to lay on is her. She is my addiction, my craving, the thing that I desire above all others. I risk letting it all boil over this time as I move my way back to her lips, the lips which are curving up right into that lustful look again, the look which assures me that the ‘horny all the time’ habit, really wasn’t a joke. And so I give her the kind of kiss that assures her that my ‘I can live with that’ comment, wasn’t a joke either.
Just losing myself in the feel of her mouth as it yields beneath mine, letting me set the pace, letting her tongue dance against my tongue in all sorts of highly erotic ways. Pulling myself slowly back as I suck the last of the kiss from her lips.
"Damn B, you got anymore of those ya wanna lay on me."
And don’t mention laying again! I really do want to get her in the shower, get her all cleaned up from the ordeal of last night. Still not a hundred percent sure what the ordeal was all about, where it came from. If it really does mean that it’s over.
"I was thinking shower."
"I like your thinking."
"I was thinking ‘you’ shower, you do still kinda stink a little. Your hair needs a good scrub…"
"Well you try puking out a hells load of evil and see how you smell!"
She looks a little hurt, so I offer a little placation. Another small kiss, a run of fingertips through the hair that is all sorts of crusty. "I wasn’t bitching Faith, I was just saying…"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. I need a shower!"
Not even thinking as she throws the covers back on all that they have kept hidden, on the body which I can picture every time I close my eyes. It doesn’t stop the sharp intake of breath though, the gasping for air as I let my gaze run wild across each of her curves, over firm sitting breasts and a tummy so tight. And have I ever mentioned that she is beautiful?
"You enjoying the view?"
"Uh-huh."
Nodding my head in beat with my heart. It’s kinda fast, up and down. Trying to tear my eyes away from the big prize, the only place on her body that I haven’t let my lips wander to yet. Still waiting to taste the essence of Faith.
"If ya hadn’t called me stinky, I’d let ya have a go, but I’m still hurt B. Maybe if you wash my back real good, I can be persuaded to comply…"
And I’m already moving, already pulling myself up to standing and leading the way to the bathroom. I have to lead the way, there is not a chance that I could walk behind her and not just jump her ass. Nope. I’m gonna lead the way and I’m going to wash her back.
And THEN I am going to jump that ass!
I envy the water. Sitting here on the toilet and listening to the sounds of the shower flowing over her, I totally envy the water. I know that I could be in there with her, that I could already be providing the back wash that I had promised I would give, but I wanted to take the time. To prolong the moment until I touch her again, because when I do eventually touch her again, I know how intimate it will be, how it will be an affirmation of everything that we have said to each other… and I do want to wait. For just this moment I want to exist within the temptation, the expectation, with the totally insane feeling that everything I want, everything that I need, is just a seconds touch away.
It’s like the sweetest torture. My voice laughing as she makes a play at singing a selection of shower tunes whilst she washes away the grime, but I’m not really laughing. Nope. No way. Really I’m sitting here just letting all of my slayer type senses come out to play. Eyes tracing her body through the barrier of the shower curtain, ears preening to catch the sound of every movement, every breath that she takes. It’s making me kinda heady. Making me feel that the sweetest torture needs to move into the realms of the sweetest pleasure, and it needs to do it soon. I may have slayer strength, but even my solid strength of will is crumbling fast before her. Letting the wanting take the precedence over the waiting.
"Are you nearly ready for that back wash Faith?"
Almost a whisper, not trusting my voice not to crack over everything that a simple back wash could mean.
"Almost B, gotta get through another shampoo and rinse first, this crap really is tough to shift."
Her own tones are slightly ragged, making me appreciate that she is prolonging the moment just as much as I am. That for all her comments of now and now and now, she can also value the sensation that exists in drawing it out, in knowing that you can have it, but waiting to experience it. And it’s almost a shame that I already got past the waiting stage.
"I could help you rinse your hair too?"
"You not scared you’ll get covered in crap?"
And I want to be covered in her. I rise slowly, surely, take a long moment to peel the top from my body, unclasping a bra to let my skin feel free, unburdened. Hands popping the buttons on jeans and stripping them away from my legs. Hooking in panties and making them vanish. It’s almost as erotic as when she strips me bare, because I know that I’m stripping for her. Know that inside of that shower, even under the roar of the water, her ears will pick up the sounds. That her mind will be telling her that I am now naked, that I’m coming to get her.
I take a small second to look in the mirror, to see the grin which still isn’t moving from my lips. It’s nothing like seductive, nothing like a sex kitten, but it does speak volumes on how much she means to me. I just can’t stop smiling. Keeping it firmly in place as I turn my attention to pulling back the curtain, to offering her all that I am. Just me. Just for her.
"Hey."
"B… you look…"
And her words stop there. Instead she lets her eyes do the talking, running them slowly all over me like a lovers caress, her tongue darting out to lick at lips which glisten from the water of the shower.
"Is there room in there for two?"
Still no more words, just a hand reaching out to take mine, linking fingers through my fingers to help me step inside. Not pulling me close to her, just standing me in front of her. The steam of the shower doing absolutely nothing to stop the bumps of shivers from raising high across my skin.
"You cold B?"
"No, not cold."
Speaking words but not hearing them, communicating in so many different ways other than with words. In the way that my chest slips into rhythm with hers, in the way that our eyes just can’t tear apart, can’t break through the intensity of this gaze.
"You wanna share the shower?"
Feeling as she steps back, as her hand which is still linked to mine pulls me ever so delicately forwards, the steady streams of water breaking from behind her to touch against my skin.
"You like that B? Is the temperature okay?"
"It’s nice, it’s warm."
"Sure is."
My eyes still not moving from hers, instead letting my free hand pull away from my side to trace the things that my eyes can not see. Almost moaning as they find the slick tightness of her navel, circling slowly around a belly button that I want to lose my tongue to.
"I thought you wanted to wash my back, you wanna wash my tummy too?"
"I thought I told you I’d wash all of your sides. This is a side."
Losing the shared rhythm of our hearts as her chest rises more rapidly, as my ears pick up the distinct harshness that my touches are producing.
"That is a side B, but you don’t have any soap… don’t you need soap to wash?"
"Well pass the soap then."
I breathe in deep as I lose all contact, just watching as she turns from me and picks up the shower gel, holding out my hand for her to deliver a healthy sized palm full. Waiting patiently for her to set the bottle back down, and letting my hands rub together to create a froth, a bubbled foam with which to cleanse her.
"You wanna start with my back?"
"Sure thing, turn around."
And again I pause. As she turns away, as she stands there just waiting for me to touch her, I freeze within this moment. Caught in the final fear of the intimacy, the heart pounding knowledge of everything that touching her will mean to me. And I don’t plan to speak the words, I don’t even know where they come from, if I was thinking them inside, but they do come. Beating back any fear, any worry and any doubt, because I do want this. I do want her.
"I love you Faith."
Echoing amongst the tiles that she braces herself against, making her turn her head back over her shoulder and throw me a look of absolute approval, her lips moving to confirm what I feel, that she feels it too.
"I love you."
Everything that I needed to hear.
I wait as her head turns, as it dips beneath the water that flows steadily from the shower, making the streams cascade heavy down her back, giving me something to work with. My hands almost shaking as I bring them up to reach her, placing them in silent reverence against her skin and slowly beginning to move them. Up and down, across her shoulders, feeling the pronouncement of each one of her muscles, the way that they yield as I run my touch along them. Not hard, not a massage, but still firm, working my fingers across every inch of skin. Lifting her hair and letting it fall to the side as I find the path along the back of her neck, not able to resist the urge of washing behind her ears. It makes her giggle a little, a sound that’s still new to me. That still calls to me.
"You’re being very thorough B…"
"You have no idea."
Letting my palms slide down in the river of suds to find the outline of her hips, the skin that sits so perfect at the base of her back. And I can’t resist leaning forwards, not a single part of me able to stop myself from feeling my skin make contact with hers, just so slight, just my hands finding a grip as I trace out her ass with the feel of my pussy. Making her moan, making me moan. The smallest of grinding rhythms taking precedence over any kind of wash.
"That feels nice."
"Uh-huh."
A funny kind of power in holding her this way, firm in my grasp and marking her with a scent that I know is running steady between my thighs. My head bending to place soft kisses against the skin of her back, each bone in her spine worshipped wholly by me. I push my tongue gently out to find the flow of the water as she leans herself further forwards against the tiled wall, arms raising to give her body a brace, something to hold onto. And she’ll need it. I need her. I have been longing for her.
I don’t even think as my fingers slide upwards, leaving her hips to make the trip up and around, grinding harder against her as I feel the weight of her breasts fall into my hands. Catching the harsh moans as I slide her nipples firm between my fingertips, rolling them round, pinching them oh so softly but still so surely.
"You like that baby?"
Another harsh sigh beating back the sound of the running water, as she pushes her body further forwards, just trying to make my touch come harder. And it does, of course it does. I need to feel her. I move myself the slightest of distances until I am pressed right up against her, my whole body screaming out it’s pleasure at being this close, my hands grasping tight now as I massage her breasts, whispering soft into her ear, asking that she tells me…
"Is this what you wanted Faith?"
Because I know that it is, I know it is what she has been waiting for since the evil spat her out of it’s grasp, just waiting for me to reconfirm all that we had discovered before we had discovered hell. Our own slice of heaven, the best heaven I have found.
I don’t wait for an answer, I already know the answer, instead eliciting another cry as my mouth latches onto the skin of her neck, not wanting to mark her, but wanting to feast upon her, needing her to feel the tightness of my lips and the tightness of my hands. So much pressure and all of it is for her.
"B…"
And she’s trying to make words.
"Buffy…"
In between the ragged breathing, and the sighs which spur me on, she is trying to make words. It’s kinda impressive, and it makes me respond. Letting go of her neck to answer her call…
"Yes baby?"
I purr it out to her as she purrs to me. Taking control and loving it.
"I need you B… I need you to touch me…"
And I thought that I was touching her. Yeah. I know what she means.
"Touch you Faith?"
But playing so dumb. My hands softening on her skin now, those light little pinches of nipples back in play as I wait to hear what she has for me.
"Fuck…"
And that’s kinda abrupt.
"You want to fuck?"
Her ass pushes out tight against my pussy with an answer to my question. Demanding, requesting, her voice sounding taut across her words.
"I want you, I so fucking want you… touch me."
Now I am the one sighing, moaning, letting the air hear the feeling that her words force right through me. I don’t let it stop me though, don’t let it bring me to the somewhere that I want to take my time getting to, the need to take the command growing with every caress, every touch.
"Say please Faith?"
And now she growls. I swear it, I can hear her growling. She breaks a hand away from the tiles to make a grab at one of mine, thrusting it with such strength to that place between her legs, coating me in the feel of the desire that slips between her own thighs, proving to me with her actions just how much she has been needing this. It makes my heart jump, makes my heart jump even more than it was already jumping, and I don’t need power plays, not here, not now… all that I need now is her.
"Oh fuck yes…"
Her words reach up to my ears as I start a slow leisurely rhythm with the tips of my fingers. Brushing just softly against her, backwards and forwards, I know the kind of pressure that I liked to be touched with and so I give her the same, trusting that her clit is as sensitive as mine, that the way that I touch myself is just the way that she wants to be touched.
"Is that good baby?"
Her sighs enough to assure me, enough to make me stop my words and let my lips get back to her skin, biting the kind of bites that she had placed so sexily against mine. Pulling my hips away from her ass to make the journey down, sliding along her backbone again… my fingers working, my tongue working, my mind spinning out of control. There is just one place that my mouth wants to go to, one place that I have yet to claim of hers, and I know that I can’t stop myself now… that I need to taste her. Even amongst the still strong swirl of the water, I need to place my lips against her pussy… I have to taste her…
She moans in almost anguish as I break my hands away, a last firm tweak of her clit to offer a promise that I will return, that I want so much more…
"Faith… baby, turn round for me?"
Watching her legs as they shake on her turning, smiling out my love for her as her eyes fall deep into mine. And if I could pause on a moment, then this would be it. Not touching her, but my body so alive from touching her, seeing nothing in her eyes except absolute adoration for me. It’s a pretty fulfilling moment.
I step forwards until I am back inside of her space, her arms lifting to encircle me, her lips falling to kiss me. Hungry kisses, kisses which call our hips back into a rhythm of wanting, a kiss which reminds me exactly where it is that I want to kiss her now. I make myself pull away again, dropping to my knees under the relentless fall of the water, not caring as it slides over my face and across my lips, I just want to taste her. Smiling up into her eyes as she sees what it is that I am going to do for her… her back collapsing against the tiles on the wall, her legs spreading as I run my fingers through the streams on her thighs…
"I love you Faith."
The words coming again as I prepare myself to encounter this new feeling, this new touch. Something I have never done with anyone, something that I have only ever wanted to do with her.
Her answering words are lost to me as my face draws the final inch forwards to let my tongue reach out and finally touch her, so softly… so barely there, the hair which has started to grow back since she was sick, tickling now against my own lips. And I want more. Hearing my own growl as I push my tongue harder, my hands coming up to grip at her hips and to pull her tight against me. I want to consume her…
"Oh fuck B…"
My senses rising as her hands wrap harsh in my hair, urging me onwards, encouragement falling from her lips as I suck her clit solidly between mine. And I love it. I love this feeling, I love this taste… so musky, so heady, so similar to me, and yet so different… and I’m drowning in it. Bucking hips hard to capture as her body rides hard against my face. So I let go, let a hand drop to meet my tongue, to search out the place that I want to fill her, her legs shaking again as I enter my fingers deep inside of her centre. Hard solid thrusts to match the pressure of my tongue. So fast, feeling all of her walls tighten as she tenses around me… fucking her hard, sucking her harder… wanting to feel the force of her climax, losing myself in the force of her climax…
"That’s it baby…"
My mouth breaking away to look at her face. So many moans, so much pleasure, so much more… in and out, until I forget the out, just burying my hand deep inside of her and feeling the throb. My fingers pressed tight against the front of her pussy, my thumb keeping a rhythm against the rigid feel of her clit. Watching her head throw back, hearing her screams peel out. And I truly am lost to it. Loving it. Riding it out right along with her, until her body comes to rest, until she collapses against the wall and slides down to meet me. Her lips not stopping to speak, just taking mine in a kiss that shows every bit of appreciation that she has for all that I just did for her. For loving her.
And I do love her. Completely.
I’m not quite sure how and when we made it back to the bedroom, I just know that I am laying in the middle of the bed and that she is laying across me, her mouth curving up into the sweetest of smiles as she places a final kiss against my pussy.
I remember her words saying that it was only fair to return a favour, and I remember my words agreeing that it was everything that I wanted. After that it’s all just a blur. A jumbled sensation of touches and sounds, words ringing out in delight and in love. I let my hand go to her face now, urging that she comes up to meet me, gives me a kiss to solidify the moment.
"You want MORE kisses B?"
As if I could ever have enough.
"I like the kisses."
"I like you."
Smiling even more as she moves around to be next me. As she wipes the hair which is drenched in either water still, or sweat, not so sure, away from my face, delivers the kisses all over me, not just to my lips, but to my nose, my eyes, to all of me.
"Ya know B, this has to rank up there with the best day ever. I sure haven’t had any better."
"Yeah, it has been a great one, but you do know that everyone will be home soon? We can’t just stay up here all day."
"Can’t we pretend I’m still sick? That I didn’t quite get all of my strength back yet?"
"And what’s my excuse?"
She looks all thoughtful for a moment, as if truly trying to work out a way to make staying in bed a viable option.
"We can say that you’re lazy, it works for me."
And I poke her, because I am so not lazy!
"No way! Plus we do have to get up. Angel and the gang are heading back to LA tomorrow night, and we’ve got that little bon voyage get together thing to organise. It’ll be good to let them know that their golden girl is all back to normal again."
"I wish that they didn’t have to go B. I get that they have to get back, but I’ll miss them, I don’t feel like I’ve spent anytime with them."
I catch the wistful sigh, the truth in her words.
"You know that we can visit right, that they’ll come back and see us."
"Just like they always visit here?"
And I know what she means. There hasn’t been an upkeep in visitation, but then there was a time when there were good reasons for that. Reasons which are so long past now, which don’t mean anything anymore.
"It’s different now Faith. When Angel first left, it all still hurt. There were issues… reasons for distance. But that’s changed now. I don’t see any reason that we can’t be one big extended family… I know that I want to keep in touch, and I’m sure that they won’t just let you disappear."
"I’m still gonna miss them."
She pouts a little as she says that, and I have to kiss the pout away. "It’ll all be okay, trust me. Anytime that you wanna hightail it to LA, you just tell me. Heck, maybe you can take Dawnie with you… give us all a break."
And she laughs, and she nods. "Yeah, I can see it now… her and Cordy let loose in the malls. Should be funtimes."
"Expensive times. We can forget the therapy fund!"
"She won’t need it, shopping IS therapy for girls like them. I swear, whenever Cordy’s pissed, she just spends the day shopping and she’s right back on form. Just start a shoe fund, it’ll work much better."
I agree. I remember the pleasure in shopping and in shoes. I also sigh. I remember how much it all costs.
"I think I need to find a job again first. I’m so fired from the Doublemeat, which you know? Not at all bothered about, but me and finding the jobs is not such a fun time… maybe we’ll win the lotto…"
"You should talk to Angel… seriously B, they get by with the cash they make from the demon hunting, don’t see why you can’t do the same. Why we can’t do the same."
And has she been reading my mind… or maybe talking to Anya.
"Have you been talking to Anya?"
I have to ask.
"No way girlfriend… she’s great and all, but I think she still thinks that I have a thing for Xander. It’s kinda creepy. I mean, I never had a thing for Xander. I had a thing with Xander, but that was all. I certainly don’t want Xander."
And that was a whole lot of Xander all in one sentence.
"She can be a little possessive, but she’s great once you get past that. Lacks a little tact, but she’s really pretty harmless… her heart is good."
I let it rest there, I really don’t need to delve into the past with Xander and Faith. Nope. Not even gonna think it.
"I don’t know about the pay for slay though Faith, it just seems so… wrong."
"No way, we risk our life daily, why shouldn’t we get rewarded? You don’t see firemen doing it for free… policemen, hell, anyone else. Don’t see that we should, especially when we need the money."
"But…"
"No, I’m gonna talk to Angel, see if he can’t set something up."
And I let her carry on. It isn’t the worlds most terrible idea, and we do need the cash. It just seems a little wrong still… like saving lives should be our reward. But then saving lives doesn’t pay the rent. Or buy the shoes. I smile my way through all of her ideas until I hear the door slam somewhere down below, until the raucous chattering of my sister and my friends reminds me again that we can’t stay in bed all day. That we really will have to get up.
"I think it’s time to rise and shine girlfriend."
"Hey, you called me girlfriend?"
Uh-huh.
"Well you always call ‘me’ girlfriend."
"Yeah… but that’s what I do. I ain’t never heard you say it though B. Sounds kinda nice. I’ve never been someone’s ‘girlfriend’ before."
"And I’ve never had a girlfriend before..." I laugh just a tiny bit at the little eyebrow raises and suggestive smirks. "…I do like it though, the girlfriend thing. I can see why Wills and Tara are always smiling…"
I roll myself away from her reply to pull myself from the bed, throwing myself into the strenuous activity of getting dressed again. I really don’t want to. Naked with Faith is SO much more fulfilling, but I do have to go down.
Stairs. Yep. Not letting that thought run away with itself.
"Are you getting up Faith?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"Nope! I’m going to tell everyone that you’re back to full health and that you’ll be down in just a minute… don’t keep me waiting…"
"I’m loving all this forcefulness, I never knew you had it in you B."
Her lustful look drawing me back to the bed, a final little look at the beauty that she is.
"Well I never had you in me before Faith, it kinda enthuses a girl."
My words making her laugh, my mouth making her kiss me.
"You want me in you now?"
"Uh-huh… but no. I’m gonna go down, hang with the others. If you hurry I’ll make you something to eat. Something easy and non burnable, maybe toast. Or bread. Or I could ask Tara to mix up some pancakes… have you had Tara’s pancakes?"
And she’s already moving, and I’m already leaving. Meeting Willow in the passage as I smile my way from the door.
"Hey Buff, good day?"
"The BEST day!"
"Oooo, do I sense that someone finally got to cork popping?"
"You’re getting just as bad as Faith, you do realise that?"
And she gives me a cheeky little smile, a saucy little wink.
"I’ll guess you’ll be wanting ME soon then, I should warn Tara, ‘Buffy’s turned into a hussy’, I never would’ve thought it…"
"In your dreams Wills."
"Occasionally, just to spice things up. Hope you don’t mind."
Mind? I just stand here in shock as she makes her way past me to the bathroom. Cos Wills? And me? And dreams? And spice? And what!?
I think it’s a full minute until I get my brain under control again. A flush finding my face even though there is no one here to see it. Turning and going to trudge my way towards the stairs.
"Hey Buff?"
And turning again as my best friend who just violated my virtue calls me back towards her.
"Yeah?"
"Any idea why the shower is on? Why the shower curtain’s looking a little worse for wear?"
"Not a clue Wills, but if you figure it out, be sure to let me know."
Winking as I make my way from her again. Smiling at the virtues that I violated myself in the bathroom. Yes. This was the best day ever. And it makes me wonder what the night time will bring. I have my fingers crossed for good, it feels like everything good. In fact I’m gonna insist upon the good, because not only do I have to shop for more linen tomorrow, it also seems that I’m gonna have to shop for a new shower curtain too. Vaguely remembering the tightness I had gripped with once Faith had turned her tongue to me. But shower curtain shopping? Urgh! The price I pay for happiness!
POV Faith.
Sometimes you find yourself in a place, and you have no fucking clue as to what the heck you have done to ever land yourself in such a place. Which gods or demons you have messed with to make your fate so truly bad. So completely different to everything that it should be. Yeah. I know that feeling, I’m absolutely living that feeling. Just trying to keep my eyes closed, my body still… anything to forget the horror of where I have now found myself.
“What about these ones? Do you think these ones are nice?”
“They’re beautiful, can we go now?”
And still I keep my eyes closed, don’t care that I’m supposed to be looking, because really… I don’t care, I don’t wanna know, don’t wanna look.
“Faith?”
“Hmmm?”
“How can you say that they’re beautiful, if you won’t even look?”
I roll myself over on the large comfy bed I have placed myself upon, and make the strenuous effort of pulling my eyelids open. Wow. White sheets with flowers.
“I’m looking, they’re great, can we go now?”
The look that she’s sending me in return is all sorts of pissed, but I just can’t help it. We’re linen shopping for fucks sake! Me. ME! I am linen shopping. Kinda makes me wonder if I shouldn’t reconsider my little domestic slice of life in good old Sunny D.
“Can you at least try and feign some interest? Please, for me?”
“But B…”
“No, I don’t get pleasure from this anymore than you do, but we need new sheets.”
“We have sheets!”
Or they have sheets. Not sure if I can call it ‘we’ yet. It isn’t like I’ve moved in, not officially.
“We have less sheets, and I know that it’s not your fault, I get that the puking and the vomit wasn’t intended or planned, but the puking did happen and the sheets were ruined. And the towels… we haven’t even started on the towels yet.”
And do days get any worse?
I swing my legs from the comfy show bed and try and feign a little of the interest that she seems to want so bad. Eyeing up the flowers as if all of the answers to my life are held somewhere within them.
“Okay B, they’re really nice. They’re uh… pretty?”
“You think that they’re pretty?”
I don’t know.
“Do you think they’re pretty?”
She casts her eyes over the sheets again, her brow furrowing, her fingers tracing pretty little patterns across the pretty little flowers. It’s just all so fucking pretty.
“I‘m not sure… I think the flowers match the wall paper. But then maybe we need to change the wall paper. Do you think we should redecorate Faith?”
I think that hell resides somewhere in the homeware section. Forget leeches and nightmares… this shit is just too much. I flop myself back down, let out a moan which shows my appreciation of all things domesticated.
“B… Buffy, please, you’re killing me here. Just pick out some sheets and lets blow this joint. It doesn’t matter what they look like, as long as they cover the mattress then everything’s cool, right? Just pick something already.”
The sheets make a resounding thump as they land atop my head. Letting me know how impressed she is with my helpful contribution, her footsteps thumping even louder as she stomps herself away from my place on the bed. And I know that I have to make good, have to at least pretend that I care something about the décor.
“B… wait?”
Pulling myself up and grabbing the wrapped up linen, putting some enthusiasm into the little jog that I do to catch up with her. Of course she doesn’t stop though, gotta keep that prim and proper ass firmly out in front of me.
“Buffy, come on, I was only messing. I’m totally ready to shop for sheets, I can’t wait to shop for sheets, I’m sheet gal!”
Now she does stop, slowly turning round, eyeing me up with an evil glint, her head cocking to the side. “You ‘can’t wait’ to shop for sheets?”
“That’s what I said, I’m sheet gal.”
“I wouldn’t say ‘sheet gal’ Faith, more like you’re full of sheet.”
And fuck me, that was lame.
“Full of sheet? You been practicing that one?”
“It just came to me, it seemed kinda appropriate.”
“Seemed kinda lame to me, definitely not up there with pun of the century. Your skills are slipping… you need to watch that.”
She folds her arms across her chest, offers me a disaffected pose. Another cock of the head. “My ‘skills’ are fine, what isn’t fine is my patience. Are you gonna help me here or what?”
I wanna say what.
“Uh, I’m…” I catch the foot tapping. Fingers drumming out a rhythm on the tightly folded arms. “…I’m gonna help. Can’t wait to help. ”
My wink is offered to show how much I mean it. I hate this, I really do, shopping for the household items, but it is her household, and I wanna try and make the effort. Apparently love makes you do the wacky, and I guess it’s gonna make me do the shopping for linen.
“So, do you like the flowers?”
“Flowers?”
“On the sheets Faith! The sheets that you’re holding…”
“Right.” I look down at the nicely packaged bed covers, pretend that I’m considering it seriously, that it really does make a difference to my life. “Yeah, they’re great, awesome. Really… pretty.”
“You make ‘pretty’ sound like such a bad word.”
“Not bad, just… well, don’t they have something a little less… uh…”
“Pretty?”
“Flowery?”
I feel like we’re going round in circles. Her foot tapping again, me squirming again.
“What would you prefer Faith, oh wait, let me guess…” She grabs the sheets from me, makes a pointed turn and heads back down the aisle, not stopping until she gets to the darker colours. “…how about something black, maybe a little red, possibly silky..?”
“I hear silk is good.”
And I can be helpful.
Except that helpful shouldn’t have such a heavy sigh falling from her lips. Shouldn’t have her looking at me as if she might explode at any minute. She lets the flowery affair slip from her grasp, and leans herself back against the shelf, shutting her eyes tight. Clenching her arms around her sides again.
I just don’t get chicks and their linen. Not one bit.
“B… are you okay?”
No answer.
I lean down and pick up the discarded package, try again and see the flowers as anything other than ‘pretty’. Plastering a smile to my face, setting a light tone to my voice. “Serious B, if you want the flowers then that’s cool with me. Don’t go getting upset over it, I like the flowers. Really I do.”
Still nothing.
“Buffy?”
She sniffles a little as she brings her eyes back to mine, red rimmed and sad looking. Dropping my gaze and finding refuge on the floor. I have to strain my ears hard when she finally speaks to me, her voice nothing more than a whisper.
“Sorry Faith, I’m overreacting… I just… I never had to do this alone. I never, before… mom always took care of it. She liked the flowers.”
Oh.
Oh crap.
And I want nothing more than to take back the last half hour of existence, to stop her pain before it ever began. To not make her be doing this all alone. I knew that I was being an ass, but I didn’t realise why, didn’t realise exactly what this shopping trip meant for her.
I push the sheets back onto the shelf behind her, mix them up with the silks, give them a new home. It doesn’t matter, whatever, all that matters is finding her now in my arms, letting her body lose some of that rigidness, in the strength of my embrace.
“Buffy, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise, you should have said.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does matter. Of course it matters.” I hold onto her a little tighter, let my shoulders bear the weight of a few more of her sighs.
“Come on, we’ll do this together, me and you against the linen, it’ll be fun.”
Her sighs turn into tiny snorts of laughter. Her head leaning back, the green of her eyes catching mine with some sort of heart stopping intensity, another of those moments that we always get lost in. The thing between us. “You had me at the ‘together’ part Faith… kinda lost me again with the ‘fun’.”
“You don’t think we can make this fun?”
Her shoulders shrug and she looks around at the aisles and aisles of endless cloth. So much to choose from, all of it taunting us. “I just wish that mom was here.”
“I wish that she was here too.”
And I do. Mrs Summers was good. As bad as I got, she was always good.
I notice as the change comes over her, as she straightens her shoulders and takes a step back from me. Runs a hand up through her growing hair, past her shoulders again now, tucking it back behind her ear. And I join her, let my own hand slide through the texture that’s so much softer than any silk of any sheet.
“Come on B, we can do this. Me and you girl, we’ve saved worlds, we can sure as hell handle a little linen.”
“And the towels?”
“Yeah. And the towels.”
“And the shower curtain?”
“Now you’re pushing it.”
She takes a final swipe at her lightly moistened eyes, drops her hand down to mine, lacing her fingers between each of my own. “I love you Faith, do you know that?”
“You damn well better do, I wouldn’t shop for linen with anyone else!”
And I wouldn’t, but then I don’t love anyone else. Not like this, not like I love her.
I steel myself as we turn and face the endless aisles again, all those flowers, all that chintzy goodness. Only this time I don’t have to pretend that I care, because I do care. I get it. Her mom used to do all of this, because her mom loved her, her mom wanted to look after her, wanted to provide for her, wanted to make her happy. Her mom isn’t here anymore, but I am here, and all of those things are the things that I want to do for her now. That I need to do. It makes ya look at linen in a whole different light, it makes you really care.
“So where do we start? You wanna check out more of the flowers?”
“I don’t know, I never did this… mom always got flowers, but maybe… do you think it’s bad if we don’t get flowers?”
“We can get whatever you want, just point me in the right direction.”
I play the happy housewife as we moved down each of the racks, picking up fabrics, exclaiming on sheets. And you know? It really isn’t THAT bad. It isn’t grade A entertainment, but it isn’t hellish. It’s just me and her spending time, finding smiles, cracking jokes. Eventually grabbing a trolley because we’ve filled our arms to the brim with all of the things that we need.
“I think that’s it Faith, we have more than enough towels, the sheets are great…”
“Whoa, we need a shower curtain, Red’s gonna kick our asses if we forget the shower curtain.”
“Oh, right.”
And look at me with the remembering. Crazy.
“You have a preference on colour?”
“No way B, as long as it’s strong, something with a little durability…” I can’t help the way that my eyes start to drift enticingly over her curves with my words, just a reaction to thinking of the shower, a reaction to the way that she had taken me yesterday.
“Durable..?” Her eyes catching mine, her cheeks tinting pink.
“Oh yeah, ya never know when the urge to wash my back is gonna creep up on you again, it’s best to be prepared. Take precautions.”
I’m rounding the trolley as she stands there in a quiver. Or maybe not a quiver, but she is just standing there looking at me, looking into me, her mouth sliding open, that perfect little pink tongue just poking out to wet at the edges. And I want it, want to taste it. To touch it.
“Faith..?”
No questions B. Just answers.
I let my mouth go to hers so softly, nothing like the way I used to kiss, not rough and ready, more about the slow and steady. Stoking the flames little by little, nibbles which trip around the smiling curve of her lips. My hand lifting to twist in the silky texture of her hair again, pulling her closer to me, my other hand nestling tight against her ass, everything closer.
“Excuse me? Ma’am?”
Fuck off.
Sucking her bottom lip between mine to encourage her to open up, to ignore interruptions and slide her tongue deep inside of my mouth. I just love it when she kisses me like that, losing innocence. When she’s the one that takes command, that sets a pace to follow.
“Ladies?”
And now not liking the pace as she breaks away from me, pulls her head back and takes a deep breath in. Catching her slightly swollen lip between her teeth and showing me a teasing bite. So whipped, I am so fucking whipped. I can only sigh out my ache as she turns from me towards the store guy, peers enquiringly at his name tag and offers him all sorts of sexy in the set of her voice.
“Ah, Richard, maybe ‘you’ can ‘help’ me?”
In his dreams! He’s all of about seventeen, his cheeks flaming red and his own voice hitting all of the high notes as he answers my lady’s call .
“Help you… uh, right… sure. Um… how can I help?”
“Shower curtains, we need something durable, something strong, something that can take a little tug and a pull every now and again… do you have any of those?”
Her eyebrows are jumping just as much as mine do. Damn it! Her whole pose is just as dangerous as anything I can do. It’s getting me hot, making me all kinds of horny.
“Aisle seventeen… you need aisle seventeen.”
I guess he’s horny too. He turns from her with an abrupt speed, probably taking to the bathroom to work out all of the pressure that a certain devilish blonde has just thrust upon him.
“That was mean B, you coulda broken the kid, fuck, I think you nearly broke me…”
“Best I get you home and fix you then.”
And still the pose and the eyes and the lips and the tone…
“I’m ready, let’s go.”
“Shower curtain?”
I turn and grab the trolley, work my ass with slayer speed down to aisle seventeen, grab the nearest that they have, turn again and head for the check out. I never knew that linen shopping was an aphrodisiac… damn, I never knew that one girl could be such an aphrodisiac! I knew she got me hot, definitely the hottest… but the way that she touches me, the way that she swings so effortlessly from the prim and the proper, to the hot and the steaming, it has me fast baking, all senses waking, constantly ready to get down with the dirty. I told her I would be horny all of the time for her, and I swear that she’s basking in the revelation. Loving her power.
I can feel myself changing everyday that I’m here, can feel myself losing some of the roughed up edges. Learning to open up, to squash the fucked up fears that have kept me running the whole of my life. And now I can see her changing too. Letting go of all of the things which have kept her caged up in her own box, the things which she held onto so tightly the first time that I was here. I love it. Love seeing her let go, just being the Buffy and not worrying about what the world thinks. Finding a middle where we can finally meet.
And if I didn’t know it already, if I wasn’t so sure of it… I’d say that we were made for each other.
“You have to fold the corners under, Faith.”
“I’m not a damn house maid!”
“You must have made a bed before?”
I consider my answer. Have I ever made a bed before? Images tugging at the edges of consciousness, facing her, facing me, and I’m not sure. Something about it seems so familiar, not sure if it’s a memory, if it’s simple déjà vu… but it does feel right. I should be here. But have I made a bed before?
“Don’t think so B, not proper, maybe thrown a cover over a mattress, but I ain’t never had to worry about folding corners.”
“No way?”
I shake my head, kinda slow, still trying to remember if there was ever a time that I worried about how my bed looked. I know that it’s a no.
“Well pay attention then, who knows when you’ll have to do it all by yourself, getting the corners right is all important.”
“Is this your Mary Poppins thing again?”
And she throws me a smart ass little grin, both of us still buzzing from the shopping trip of earlier. It was funny when we got home, both of the witches looking at us for the fall out, for injuries that either of us may have sustained from the homely shopping excursion. I think that the big smiles surprised them, and why not? They surprised the fuck outta me. But then I’m learning, slowly, that there’s pleasure to be found in a whole lot of places that you just never expected it. Even in linen shopping.
“Are you gonna shower before the others get here?”
“Not unless that’s an offer B, I feel clean enough to tackle some goodbyes, I figure I’ll leave the shower till after, sneak one in before bed.”
I watch as she wriggles the pillows inside of their new covers. Not flowery. Not a flower in sight. She settled on the Boston check instead, soon as she saw it she squealed like all proper girls should, exclaiming that it would be like ‘sleeping with me wrapped around her.’ Made me think she’s kinda odd, also made me think she’s kinda adorable. I didn’t point out that I’d be sleeping wrapped around her anyway, that she didn’t need a dumb checked print to achieve that. It was too fun watching her squeal.
“What about you girlfriend, you gonna get all scrubbed and dubbed before the gang gets here?”
“I was thinking about it…” She pauses in her bedly ministrations, eyes me up with those hot and horny homing missiles. “…now I’m thinking I’ll wait till after. Maybe share with you, just in the interest of water conservation.”
“Gotta save the water B, it’s a desert out there.”
She fluffs the last of the pillows and flops herself down onto the bed. Patting the space beside her, calling me to join her.
“You think that’s safe?”
“Huh?”
“Well they’re gonna be here any minute B, you really want me to come share the bed space with you?”
“I’m sure we can control ourselves for five minutes Faith… at least I know ‘I’ can. If you don’t think you can manage it though…”
And there’s a challenge. I love a challenge.
“Oh, I can handle it fine, not so sure about you though. I’ve had my eye on you all day, you’re right there with the horny. I can feel it.”
“Me!? You were the one with the tongues in aisle thirteen!”
I strike an innocent pose, it’s one that I still need to work on. “Maybe I started it, but you were more than keen to finish it, putting on that show for poor little ‘Richard’. Bet the kids still holding on tight, working out his issues.”
“That’s kinda gross.”
“Just saying B, you were right there with the horny, you’re still right there with the horny.”
I let myself take slowly to the bed, just at the end, down by her feet. Finding a firm grip and biting a tease on the end of her toes.
“Stop it!”
“What? You tongued up my toes good a few weeks back, this is an equal partnership and I wanna return all favours, I don’t wanna get a rep as neglectful.”
She’s trying to pull her foot away, but I am kinda strong, got a real firm grip.
“If you remember that, then you remember where it led…”
Hell yeah.
“…getting me flustered and then making me go down to face the others… now that would be neglectful, definitely not good girlfriend material!”
Her voice hit’s a high note as I slide my tongue between the groove of her toes. It’s never been my bag to seek pleasure like this, but fuck it, she’s squirming, and that has to work in my favour.
“I think you like it B.”
I let my other hand, the one that’s not holding her firm, take a slow slide up her leg to dance softly beneath the hem of her skirt, little teasing patterns against the soft feel of thigh. And she’s not the only one squirming. Starting to wonder exactly how long we have until the others get here.
“It’s not a question of liking it Faith.”
Watching her slide down the bed to make my hand travel higher. A soft graze against panties, a hitched breath in my throat. “How long do we have?”
And I’m already moving, keeping my panty held hand firmly in place and shifting my body to find a position above her, my own thigh pushing its denim clad self, hard against the back of my hand.
“Faith…”
Not caring how long, just claiming the words with the presence of my mouth upon hers, the slip and slide as her tongue trips out to meet my own, hot and warm and deliciously horny. Forgetting slow and steady to try and beat the buzzer…
The knock on the door does nothing to calm the carnal urges. For me or for her. She just clings me closer, pushes her hips hard up on my hand and my thigh, looking for some friction, searching for release…
“Guys, you in there?”
My fingers finding the edges of panties and pushing them aside, moaning into her mouth as I feel the pool of wetness that she has for me…
“Guys, I KNOW that you’re in there… come on, Angel and the others are here, they’re waiting for you.”
I force myself to break the kiss, my hand still moving in all the right ways, bringing her into my rhythm, urging her to feel what I’m offering. My mouth I turn swiftly towards the door, shout out something controlled and steady, just buying an extra minute. The extra minute that I need.
“Just a minute Red, I’m just throwing some clothes on… I think B popped to the store, she’s not in here.”
“Oh… she’s not? She popped to the store?”
And I hear the confusion in her voice but I don’t care a shit. The sound of B’s ragged breathing fighting hard to stay quiet is all that I need to listen to, all that I want to hear.
“Well she’s popped somewhere.”
“Okay… well be quick, Cordy is straining at the bit to see you…”
“I’ll be quick as I can Red, quick as I can…”
And I will. Just leave me alone.
I catch the sound of her footsteps leaving and turn my attention back to Buffy, to her face, to her eyes clenching tight, to her teeth biting hard at that lip again, no trace of teasing. And I have to see her, have to feel that connection…
“Buffy… baby, look at me.”
“Mmmm.”
Her hands sliding up and under my top, digging tight into my back, pulling me closer… and then her eyes, opening up to me, her teeth leaving her lips to offer me a smile. “That feels good.”
“You want it to feel better?”
My fingers are stroking long and hard over her clit, moving in the ways which I already know she likes, each of my senses slipping into rhythm with hers, guiding me onwards…
“I want you Faith.”
Her eyes staying tight on mine as she asks it, her legs spreading further to offer me the room. And I take the invitation, follow the slick feel of her wetness right down to the entrance of her pussy, edging my way inside, feeling her walls tighten around me. So perfect, so hot.
I whisper soft words of encouragement as I quicken the pace, let our gaze tear apart to kiss the moans from her lips, to keep up a pretence of quiet to a house full of friends. Holding in my own moans as I feel the strength of her climax, as she gives herself up to me again in the sweetest of ways. Letting me fuck her, letting me love her, everything that I have ever wanted.
And now just holding her tight as her breathing recovers, kissing her lips a thousand times to assure her of exactly how much she means to me.
“I love you B.”
Over and over.
“I love you too.”
The perfect reply.
It’s like torture tearing myself away from the bed and away from her, but it’s bearable torture, because I know that it’s just a few hours until I can hold her again. She’s mine forever, I know that. I feel that.
“Come on, we should get down.”
“Don’t wanna move.”
“Not a case of wanting B, we have to. Everybody is waiting on us.”
I watch her sigh, watch her smile, watch her brow furrow into that cute little frown.
“Oh god, you told Wills I was at the store! What am I gonna say?”
“Don’t sweat it, we’ll think of something…” I look to the window, have half of a plan. “…unless you wanna shimmy down and make an entrance? Could be amusing.”
“You are joking?”
I don’t know. It would be amusing.
“Saves the explanations B, and your window is easy to climb to, I say you go for it.”
She pulls herself up from the bed and rearranges her skirt, grabs a hair tie and pulls in a ponytail. “I’m not sneaking out from my own house Faith, just to knock on the door and come back in again. I’ll just have to think of something else.”
I let my eyes drift over her form, let my mind wander to where it just was. “We could stay up here, forget all thinking…”
“And how exactly do you know how easy it is to climb to my room?”
Huh?
Oh.
Right.
“I uh, I said that? I meant it ‘looks’ easy to climb to… I wouldn’t have a clue B, not a one.”
I smile sweet, smile innocent, hope it flows. There’s no way I wanna get into the times that I used to climb and look, just to watch, just to be close to her. Even when things were at there worst, I always wanted to be close. There’s nothing that she needs to know there.
“It IS easy to climb to Faith, it’s not happening tonight though, now come on… lets go pretend that your hand wasn’t just in the cookie jar and play at making nice. This is bon voyage, remember? You’re sad.”
I am sad, I don’t want them to go, but at the same time it’s damn hard to be sad when your hand still smells of the cookies. Fresh baked cookies.
We make our way from the bedroom and down the stairs to below, still wrapped up in the feeling of just being together, little touches, little caresses, not hidden, not trying to hide.
“Oh Faith, you made it! I was beginning to think that we were gonna be sending ourselves off.”
“Sorry Cor, I couldn’t choose an outfit, you know how it is.”
Her eyes drift over my attire, the same pants and shirt I’ve been wearing all day, my hair just hanging around my face in its wild sense of abandon, not even pretending that I’ve tried to tame it.
“I see you went all out.”
“You know it girlfriend.” My wink assuring her that I sure as hell went all out, her eyebrows raising in the same way that they always do when confronted with pure Faith. Her reply though is eaten up by Willow’s sudden outburst at B, realising that she has just walked down the stairs, not through the door… and I knew she should’ve shimmied from the window. It really would have been that easy.
“Buffy?! Faith said you were at the store! Where were you? Why didn’t you answer me?”
“Uh… I, um… I didn’t hear you?”
“And you Faith… why would you say that she was at the store?”
Think fast.
“She was… in the closet, I didn’t know she was in there, it’s a big ol’ closet Red.”
“It sure is sweetie, and I bet you had great fun in giving her a hand at getting off.”
“Tara!”
“Oops, my bad. I meant getting out.”
She slips us a sly wink, a look which says she knows exactly what was going on upstairs.
“Do you really think that we spend all of our time having sex?”
“Were you having sex?”
I flip my gaze to Anya, her eyes burrowing into me, all about the serious. It kinda freaks me, I mean, I can take banter, I like a laugh, but this girl is all sincere, absolutely demanding to know all of our bedroom habits.
“What’s it to you?”
“I just think that’s it’s extremely rude of you to be having the sex, whilst I’m stuck down here and not having the sex!”
And what do you say to that? I shrug my shoulders, turn my eyes to Xander. “I think this is your place to jump in…”
“Anya, let’s leave the sexual inquisitions alone now shall we? What Buffy and Faith get up to in their bedroom, is their business.”
“But they look so smug, it’s really not fair.”
“We do not look smug!”
I check out B’s smug look, and yeah, she kinda does. But then she popped one out just a few minutes ago, she’s bound to look a little pleased with herself. I dunno if I look smug, I do feel a little smug.
“Sorry Buffster, but ya do. You’re all about the glowing smugness…”
I turn and leave her to it, they’re her gang, and I wanna go shoot some shit with my gang. Squeeze in a few last moments of the chit chat before they have to hightail it back to the big city, still feeling a little sad that they have to hightail it anywhere.
“Angel, what’s up?”
He’s deep in conversation with Wes and Giles, probably talking over some ancient clan of sewer demon that they have to fight on their return. And yeah, I am a little jealous.
“Faith, glad to see you made it.”
“Don’t you start, I just about survived the inquest with Anya. So what’s going on, you got some big stuff brewing in the city?”
“Nothing past the usual, nothing that we can’t handle.”
“So why the group pow wow?”
They exchange a few grown up glances, settle a couple of satisfied smirks upon their faces. “Giles, would you like to handle this one?”
“On the contrary Angel, I’d say that it’s your place to explain everything to Faith.”
And the plot thickens.
He nods his head slowly, places a hand on my arm and walks me through to the back door, leading me out to the garden, taking a moment to savour the cool night air.
“Serious man, your scaring me. What’s going on?”
“Relax Faith, it’s nothing serious, quite the opposite. I’ve been speaking to Giles about what you said.”
“I say a lot of things, most of them dumb.”
His look doesn’t say whether he agrees with me. His smile suggests that he maybe does.
“I was considering your possibility of setting up an offshoot of Angel Investigations here in Sunnydale, what the validity would be, whether it would work.”
“And Giles said?”
Now he smiles even wider, nudges me a little with his shoulder. “He thinks that it’s a great idea. The business would certainly boom, he’s actually more worried that you wouldn’t be able to handle the volume of the helpless in Sunnydale. He maybe has a point.”
“We’re talking two slayers Angel, add in two witches… and Xander I guess. I think we can give it a go, get the franchise up and running. It’s gotta be better for B than the flipping of burgers, right?”
“I’m more concerned with the what’s best for you.”
I know that my eyebrows are probably dipping, showing a little confusion at his words, cos yeah… I know we’re tight, but him and B, well, gotta figure that she would be his number one worry.
“Me?”
“Of course you. Buffy I care about too, but she has all of her friends around her, who do you have?”
Me have? I though that that was obvious. “I have B, gonna miss you guys, that’s a given, but it’s all good here Angel, you don’t have to worry about me.”
“And yet I still do.” His eyes are staring off into the distance, out into the night. Everything about him looking sombre, maybe even showing his age.
“Hey dude, you’re totally gonna miss me! That’s it, isn’t it, all of this worry… you’re just full of the woe of leaving me behind!”
I know it. I’ve nailed it. And I thought that I was supposed to be the sad one.
He looks back at me, the cold air filling with his brooding sigh. “Of course we’re going to miss you. I want you to be happy Faith, I can think of no one that deserves happiness more than you do, and if happy for you means being here, than that’s great, but I’ll still miss having you around.”
“Aw, I’m touched.” And I am. Really. I may hide it beneath the cocky tone, but I know that he sees right through my bullshit. He always does.
“So you really want to make a go of it here, the business, Buffy, a family?”
“Can’t think of anything better, never knew it was all that I wanted, but now I’m here? It feels a lot like home.”
He sighs again, heaves his shoulders, follows it up with a huge fucking smile. Or as huge as he ever smiles. “I guess I should say welcome home then. And good luck.”
“Thank you, you know your approval means a lot to me. I just wanna give it a go, get something good going on. Do ya know I even went linen shopping today? Me, fucking linen shopping!”
And now the broodster laughs, straight up from the bottom of his belly, his eyes flying wide with disbelief. “You! You went linen shopping? I wish I had been there to see it!”
“I knew you’d enjoy that. A real fucking Marcia Brady me, matching towels with flannels and all sorts of shit. It’s like I said Angel, this place feels like home.”
He throws an arm around my shoulder, clenches me a little tight, holds me just a little close. “Well make the most of it, homes don’t come along that often, not the kind of homes that we don’t want to run from, need to run away from. Make it count.”
“That’s my plan.”
It feels like a good one.
“Remember though Faith, if anything ever goes wrong, if you ever need me, need anything, then my door is always open to you. You have a home in LA too, don’t ever forget that.”
And can big tough slayers get misty eyed? Even out of doors where the dust doesn’t fly? Sure they can. I wipe a little just to prove it, clear my throat so as not to advertise the fact. “Thanks man, yours was the first home I ever had. A girl don’t forget that, not ever.”
“And I won’t ever forget you. I always saw beneath that façade to the something special, it makes me proud to see you now, having all of this…” He nods his head back in the direction of the house, lets go of me to gesture with his hand. “…they’re lucky to have you Faith. Buffy is lucky to have you.”
I catch the hint of sadness beneath the words, maybe remembering a time when all of this was nearly his. It does make me stand a little taller, feel a little prouder. His words do mean a lot to me, he means a lot to me.
“And Cordy is lucky to have you.”
He just smiles, still not admitting what I know so surely is growing between them. I get that, I know the difficulties they have, but I’m like an advocate of difficult relationships now. I’m the number one poster child for making it all work out.
“Do you want to go back inside Faith, make an announcement about your new business venture?”
“How about we keep it a little hush for now, let me hash it over some more with B first… she’s still not sure, worried that taking cash for saving lives is kinda crass.”
“I understand the sentiment.”
“No way Angel, we can’t all get by on a black coat and a couple of litres of pigs blood, families cost money, and now I kinda have a family to support.”
He smiles again, raises his eyebrows to me.
“You really did go all Marcia Brady.”
“Yeah, found myself a nice little niche with Mary Poppins.”
I shoot him a light thump to the shoulder, gesture towards going inside.
“Come on, better rejoin the party, maybe if we’re lucky then the it’ll go the way of all of Buffy’s parties, then you guys won’t be able to up and leave me just yet.”
I wink a little, but I mean it a lot. There is a tiny slice of me that kinda wishes for a little catastrophe, just a little something to keep them here a little longer. It’s a selfish thought though, so I just smile and lead the way. Head back into my home.
Or her home. It isn’t like I moved in yet. Not officially.
And nothing has gone wrong, just a whole lot of good. The hour creeping close to one, the time for them to leave me approaching as fast as anything that you never really want to arrive so soon. A couple of us are a little juiced, me and Cordy shooting some shots, Anya making demonic work out of a half a bottle of whisky.
“You MUST come back for the wedding Cordelia, it’ll be nice having all of Xander’s conquests together in one room…”
“Hey, he never conquered me!”
“Me neither An, it was more a case of me conquering him.”
“Well, he definitely conquered me with all of that oozing masculinity. You really were quite foolish to let him go, and now it’s too late.”
Poor girl is delusional.
“Yeah, I’ve been kicking myself since I left Sunnyhell, ‘why oh why did I let the stud muffin go?’, Cordy too, I’ve seen her do her fair share of pining.”
“Ha! Well the ship has sailed!”
She’s wavering a little in her seat as she points out the man of the moment, playing cards with Giles and Wes, probably trying to get enough money together to skip out on the wedding. I just wanna know if it’s appropriate to knock the sailing ship over the head with my empty bottle of beer…
“So when is the wedding Anya, do you have outfits picked out?”
“As soon as possible, we did have it planned for sooner, but then Tara had to get herself taken and Faith had to get herself dead…”
“Gee, sorry An.”
“Apology accepted, just try and stay alive now please, I really do want to get married.”
I kinda got that already.
“As for outfits, I want the green.”
“You’re having a green dress? Is that a demon thing?”
Cordy’s eyes are wide with fashion disapproval, making Anya shake her head in all sorts of amusing ways. “No, not me, the bridesmaids! I would never wear green, it’s a horrid colour.”
“So why for the bridesmaids?”
“So I look more radiant, as the bride I should look radiant, the green will lessen them, and therefore make me more appealing.”
And I’m just glad I’m not a damn bridesmaid.
“Nice logic.”
“Thank you Cordy, I knew that someone would understand.”
I go to make a comment about not having a fucking clue, but my mind flow is interrupted by the phone ringing loud, all of the room looking up at the intrusive noise, not expecting anyone to call at such a late hour. As it is it’s Dawn that’s nearest and so her that lifts the receiver.
“Uh, hello?”
“Yes, he is, one moment.”
She covers the mouth piece, looks across at the poker players. “It’s for you Giles, I think it’s the mother ship.”
“Who?”
“England, the council.”
And there goes my stomach. My eyes fly to Buffy, see the inquisitive look that she’s shooting at me. Catch the ‘what the hell?’, that she mouths across the room. And how the fuck do I know? I just watch Giles as he makes his way to the phone, takes the receiver with him into the kitchen, not even my ears able to make out the hushed words of the watcher.
It’s soured the mood, no one speaking, all of us waiting. No one able to guess what they could want and Giles’ face giving nothing away when he eventually returns.
“What do they want?”
She speaks before I do. Asks my question.
“Right, well, it seems we have a bit of a situation on our hands.”
“What sitch?” And there’s my voice. Not wavering, not yet. Still clinging onto the happy home atmosphere. Believing in the dream.
“The council have informed me that there is a rogue slayer on the loose, that they think she’s heading to Sunnydale.”
What the fuck? What the fucking fuck!?
“No way Giles, that’s crap! Everyone knows that I’m not some fucking rogue anymore, Jesus, what the fuck is it with them guys?”
“Calm down Faith.”
“Fuck calm, I’m sick of this crap, fuck calm, fuck the council, and fuck this!”
I pull myself up fast, glad my body can take the shots without sending me woozy, I don’t need woozy, I’m too damn pissed. I can’t believe that after all of this time they are back on my case again! I am not a fucking rogue!
“Faith, wait?”
Her voice reaches out through my rage, and begins to placate me, urging the feel of the fear to loosen across my shoulders. I go and stand at her side, face the watcher and wait to hear the rest of the crap. I feel so tense, so ready to burst and I know that she can sense it, her fingers reaching up to soothe across my back.
“What the hell is going on Giles?”
“I can’t believe that we didn’t consider this, it really was quite simpleton of us all.”
Now everyone is standing, all of them crowding in, all of them waiting.
“They’re not talking about Faith, that’s it, isn’t it Giles?”
I turn to Wes, back to Giles. Catch the nod, realise the absolute obvious.
“Holy crap.”
“Am I missing something here?”
“Think about it Cordy, I died…”
“…so another slayer was called. Oh my god.”
If a room could get more quiet than silent, then it just happened. Maybe considering how stupid we were to not even think it, maybe considering the thought of a chosen three, where just a second ago there was two. Maybe even considering just how dangerous and volatile a rogue slayer can be. That’s where my thoughts lie… what I was. What’s out there now.
“Do we know her name Giles?”
“Yes Buffy, I believe that they said it was ‘Kennedy’.”
Kennedy.
Kennedy the Vampire Slayer.
I roll it around in my head. The name fizzing through my system. Maybe even speaking it out loud. And I just can’t wait to meet her. This girl. This rogue.
The slayer who has replaced me.
POV Faith.
I hit the ground and roll fast, keeping my body locked tight, ready to spring up and explode, a flurry of fists, a knee to the jaw and BAM! Dust. Gotta love it. I turn to B, offer her a smile that says I wanna be her champion, slide a little wink across the graveyard and walk my way in close.
“Whaddya say B, you like my moves?”
“I’ve seen them all before, I perfected those moves.”
“Aw, don’t be like that…” I slip my stake back into my jacket and throw my arm lightly across her shoulders. “…it’s alright to be a little bitter, I know I slay way more than you, but still girlfriend, you’ve gotta be impressed.”
“You slay way more than me?”
She shakes off my arm and turns to face me. “You make it sound like you keep count Faith, please don’t tell me you keep count?”
“Don’t tell me you don’t?”
“No way! This is team work, not a competition.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Faith…”
“No, it’s cool, I’m sure if your numbers were as impressive as mine you wouldn’t wanna shout about it. Must just be me, I’m so damn bad.”
“You’re such a damn show off.”
I know that, but I can’t help it. A little piece of me still wanting to impress her. As eager as the first time I’d had her eyes on me, to show her everything that I’m capable of.
“As long as you keep watching the show B, then everything’s good.”
Her eyes slide deliciously over me, her face coming closer till her lips place a soft kiss against my own. “I’ll keep watching the show, and you can keep being centre of attention.”
With that she turns and walks ahead of me, shaking her ass and stretching up her arms… definitely putting on a show. The kinda show I like, the kind of show that has me forgetting all about numbers and competition, and thinking instead about how much attention I want to lavish onto her.
“How long till we can call it quits?”
“We’ve covered most of the cemeteries, I don’t know… maybe we should swing by the docks again?”
“You really think that she’ll be down there? From all the info we’ve had, I figure the girl likes her accommodation a little cleaner than the poor side of town.”
That makes her stop again, turn to face me again.
“Are you feeling anything?”
“Bored?”
“Very funny. Are you feeling anything from her? Are you sensing anything?”
I try and centre myself, separate the slayer side of things from the normal side of things, slow my heart and take a deep breath in, a slow breath out. Searching, feeling…
“Nope, not a thing. I get the vamp buzz, get the you buzz, nothing else.”
“Me neither.”
It’s been the same way for three days. Three nights. Us sent out to search, and nothing here to find. Everyone is hanging in limbo, waiting for the latest in the line of wayward warriors to make her move. Angel has stayed, Cordy too of course… but the others have headed home, gone to fight the fight on their own turf. In my opinion Angel could’ve gone too, but who knows, the guy has a way with slayers, especially the rogue kind. And I like having him here. I’m not complaining.
“Maybe the council are wrong B, maybe she’s not headed here at all, it would be kinda stupid if she’s as dangerous as they say she is, why come here?”
“For the challenge?”
“No way, if I was her I’d stay as far away as possible from the only people that could bring me down.”
“Maybe she thinks that she can bring us down.”
And I can’t help laughing a little. A chuckle. A roll of the eyes. “Like to see her try.”
“Careful what you wish for.”
She says it with that ominous tone, but I just ain’t buying it. The girl would have to be fucking crazy to try and take on two of her own. But then maybe she is, the council haven’t given Giles a glowing reference, just plenty of reports about her instability.
“I dunno, it just doesn’t feel right, and I sure as hell don’t trust the stuffy shirt brigade. I bet that there’s more to it. What did they say about her watcher?”
She brings her finger up to her lips, cocks her head over to the bushes, and reaches her hand inside of her jacket. I guess we have more company. I’m half tempted to show off some speed again, make her mouth wet with my snazzy show of fucking fast. But hey, a girl don’t wanna hog the limelight. Plus standing back and watching has its own advantages too.
I offer her a silent nod and take a step backwards, telegraph that this one is all for her. I’m just a voyeur. Happy to watch as she turns and saunters slowly over, pushes a hand inside of the bush and pulls out our latest late night snack attacker, only…
“No way, you have got to be fucking kidding me!”
There in her hand, cowering under the strength of her grasp, is Andrew. Our boy wonder, our squirming maggot.
“Sneaking around in bushes Andrew, I thought you would have learnt that lesson?”
He shakes and shivers, tries to make some form of intelligible sentence, gets stuck somewhere with the ‘Uh… um… I…’. Gotta say it’s pathetic, gotta say it’s pissing me off.
I stalk over to her holding him and push my face into his, snarl out my words to make him shiver more. He deserves it. He so fucking deserves it.
“You better start talking, and you better make it quick. I’ve got no time for you and your pissy little pants, I do have a whole heap of pain for ya though.”
Buffy drops him at my comment, perhaps wondering if the kid really did piss his pants, I wouldn’t know, I just know I want him to, want him to be scared, want him to know that hiding and listening in on slayers is as bad as it gets. The first time he was lucky, he got away with it because there was too much going on, this time he won’t be lucky. I’m ready to settle scores.
“I didn’t… I wasn’t…”
I give him a little tap, just a little snap of toe against his belly. Like play, nothing yet like pain. “Not what I’m looking for Andrew, what were you doing?”
His eyes are getting watery, his nose runny.
“Back off Faith, I can’t stand it if he starts crying. Let me have a go.”
She crouches down in front of him and I back a distance away. About a distance of not very far. I can handle her playing good cop, bad cop, but this boy had better have answers. He cost us Tara, he cost me my life. He fucked around with things that he never should have fucked with. I would’ve let him off if he had stayed away. But back here? Snooping again?
“So come on then Andrew, what’s going on?”
“It’s nothing, I wasn’t doing anything…”
“Hmmm, not so believable. First of all, you’re hiding in bushes, secondly I have to think that you’re following us, and thirdly, you have a history of playing for the team marked ‘bad’. I’m gonna need an explanation, and if you want Faith to stay at being nice, I’m going to need it now.”
He sits himself up on his haunches, does nothing to stop the tears from flowing freely down his cheeks.
“I said ‘now’ Andrew.”
I can’t take much more. His tears are bullshit, he is bullshit.
I go to move in again, hear him squeal a sound that even Dawn would be embarrassed to make. “This is fucking pointless B, let me get it out of him…”
“No! No… I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you everything.”
“You’d better do Andrew, she’s getting antsy. She’s mean when she’s antsy.”
“Okay… I wasn’t being bad, I’m not bad anymore, I’m good now, I’ve joined the light side of the force…”
Of for fucks sake.
“You’re not a fucking Jedi!”
He gives me an intense look and I wait for the mind melt. It doesn’t come. What does come is my fast waning patience, reaching around B and grabbing the boy by the ear. Pulling him up, holding him in front of me. “No more crap, no more games. Just tell us straight, what the fuck are you doing here?”
“I WAS telling you!”
“You were trying to redeem yourself, you have to earn redemption Andrew, you can’t just claim it.”
Her tones are much calmer than mine, her hand cooler as it slides across my arm, beseeches me to release him again.
“Fine B, but he damn well better start talking sense, I’ve got places to be, and I’m not averse to feeding this fuck to the fishes when I get there.”
“Andrew?”
“I was visiting Johnathan… that’s all. I came to see Johnathan.”
Oh please.
“Johnny boys dead, Warren took care of that, now think again…”
I just wanna hit him. He hurt me, he hurt B, he hurt my family.
“Faith wait, I want to hear.”
“I know he’s dead… I saw, I just… this is where he is. Where he’s… buried.”
Now his tears are streaming, and a tiny piece of me, just a tiny piece, it feels a little bit shitty. He still hurt me though, and I’m not ready to flow out forgiveness. Johnathan knew what he was doing, they all knew what they were doing.
“Show me.”
He pulls himself up and starts to wander aimlessly amongst the gravestones, the whole time talking about what great friends they were, how it was never meant to be this way, they never wanted this. But then neither did we. They asked for it, we didn’t.
“He’s here… that’s where he is.”
We come to stop in front of a fairly new plot, just a small stone, a small reminder. And he falls to his knees, sobs uncontrollably, and starts talking to the earth. Jumbles of words, snivels of snot. Again I feel a twinge, a part of a place that isn’t hardened by hurt.
“Still doesn’t explain what the fuck you were doing following us, hiding in the bushes.”
And I push it down. I don’t want to trust him.
“Faith…”
“No B, this kid has got a lot to answer for, I don’t trust him.”
She nods her head, sighs as she turns back to him. “I have to agree with her Andrew, I’m sorry you lost your friend, losing people is never easy… but the bushes, why were you following us?”
He looks up to us from the floor, wipes his hands across his eyes and steps up to standing. “I wasn’t following you, I swear it, I was following the other one.”
My eyes fly to Buffy, her eyes fly to me. The other one?
“What other one?”
“You know? The other one like you.”
And there is something that I wasn’t expecting. My senses instantly raised, searching again, feeling her out, the hairs across my neck rising with the thought that she has been watching us. Freaky feeling.
“I think that you should come with us, don’t you Andrew?”
You what?
“What the fuck B?”
“He can tell us all that he knows, he can tell all of us what he knows.”
“Yeah, cos that went so well the last time.”
“I told you, I’m different… I’m on the path of good now…”
“It’ll be fine Faith, because if it isn’t, if he so much as breathes a wrong move, then there is a whole house full of people that will take retribution on him. He understands that, don’t you Andrew?”
His head is nodding up and down, eyes flitting one last time to Johnathan. “I’m good now, I’ll be good. I promise.”
What fucking ever. All I know that is that if he isn’t, if he dares to play at any tricks, then I will be the first in the queue to teach him why he never should have messed with our home. Maybe second in the queue. Maybe third.
The boy had better keep his promise.
It hadn’t been the happiest of homecomings, all of the gang in attendance, waiting to see if we had unearthed anything regarding psycho slayer mark two. Not that they call her that, much too polite, but I know that they think it a little. Sending me apologetic glances every time they talk about ‘rogue’ and ‘crazy’ in the same sentence as slayer. I wanna tell them that I’m over it, that bygones have passed and I’m not at all sensitive about my former wacky days. That would be lying though.
I spoke to B about it, of course I did, we have a regular little care and share thing going on now. She asks, I grunt, she asks again, I grunt louder. It works. We’ve managed to sift through most of the crap that sent me skating over the edge before, both of us apologising as if we weren’t just kids that didn’t have a fucking clue, and now she understands how I feel. I hate what I was before, I hate who I was, and what I became… I’ll always be sensitive about it, because it was my choice to go that way. There may have been markers, little shoves in wrong directions, but I made my choices. I folded all the fucking corners under, and made my own damn bed.
So yeah, I call her psycho slayer mark two, because in my head that’s what she is. Don’t know her reasons yet, her pushes and her shoves. But I do understand what she is tasting, what the power of the darkness feels like.
They had all stood expectantly as I marched through the door, nearly all of them falling back down in shock as B had marched our new prized possession, in right after me.
“What is HE doing here?”
“Cool it Red, he’s not here to party, we found him at the cemetery, he’s got a little info.”
“No! I don’t want him here, we don’t want him here…”
“Sweetie…”
“No Tara, there’s no place for him here, guys?”
Willow had held her arms out and implored the gang, all of them nodding, all of them agreeing with her quick judgement. I know that I agreed with it. Couldn’t see why we hadn’t just interrogated him in the cemetery and then cut him loose. Or cut him. I had hated seeing him back in the house, back in the centre of the homestead.
“I’m with Wills here.” Xander had spoken next, eyeing up the intruder with all the disdain that I felt. “He’s bad news, he shouldn’t be here.”
“I agree with Xander. And why is he crying, did you hurt him? Did you hurt him bad?”
“No Anya, we didn’t hurt him. I’ve assured him that everyone is going to hurt him if he doesn’t cooperate though, so yay, could be fun times ahead.”
Buffy had dragged him over to the same sofa that I had questioned him on the last time, denied him all rights to water, denied him everything except the chance to speak, to answer queries.
“So what do you know, what have you seen?”
He travelled his shaking eyes over all of us, flitting about nervously, even more so when I approached him, toying with him. His gaze finally coming to rest on Tara, spotting the softest touch and clinging to it for dear life.
“I saw her two nights ago, I was visiting Johnathan…”
“I thought Johnathan was dead?”
“Yeah, he is Red, Andrew keeps a vigil at the graveside, probably praying for his soul.”
She narrowed her eyes on him, no doubt considering turning him toadish. I caught the not so impressed looks as well though, the shaking head from Angel, the pained glance from Tara. Couldn’t help it, the boy had hurt my family.
“Carry on Andrew.”
“Right, I was visiting… and uh, I saw her. She thought that I might be one of them, you know… the Vampire, the night walkers.”
“She’s not so hot with the senses then?”
“Faith, please be quiet.”
Giles had told me to be quiet? Or he had asked me. All the same, it had thrown me for a minute. I knew that I should hush, knew that I wasn’t the best one to be throwing out commentary on all that was happening, but it was like I couldn’t control it. I was mad at Andrew, freaked about the new girl, pissed about my past. It was hard to keep a lid on it.
Luckily for me, the girl that holds my heart, also knows my feelings, and she had the foresight to come and stand with me, to lead me away from a direct line of attack to sit on the sofa next to Red, maybe putting the scariest two together, easier to keep an eye on.
“What does she look like? The council didn’t give us too much to go on, all that we know is that she is seventeen, she has dark hair. That she is most definitely a little unstable…”
“She’s beautiful.”
“Huh?”
“She’s beautiful, her eyes are like the darkest chocolate. Her hair sways behind her like an untamed beast, flowing wild with the wind. Her body as lithe and supple as any…”
“Jeez, what is this, I thought Xander was the one with a hotspot for slayers?”
Cordy always made me laugh, it didn’t change then.
“He does NOT! His only hotspot is for me, plus everyone knows that slayers are as gay as they come, it’s a female empowerment thing.”
Yeah. That’s what she said. I let B question that one, I was still under my ‘keep quiet’ orders.
“All slayers are gay? That’s a little general isn’t it Anya?”
“Oh, is it really Buffy? I only know two slayers, both of them are gay. Sorry for stating the obvious.”
In a warped kind of way she almost had a point, in that we are two slayers and we are very much into each other. Not so keen on the label though, never been a label kind of girl.
“Can we discontinue the research into the slayer sexual preference and get back to learning more about this new slayer?”
“Sorry Giles, but Anya did start it.”
“Actually Buffy, Cordelia started it.”
“I was only saying, his description was quite erotically charged, it reminded me of someone.”
She pointed her look back to Xander again. And I almost laughed again. Sitting back though and watching without taking part in the banter, I could almost appreciate how wearing it must get for an info guy like Giles, so instead I cleared my throat and called attention back to the vermin.
“Did you speak to her, after she thought you were a ‘night walker’?”
“Uh… I spoke a little bit, I said I knew the slayer, the other slayers, then she asked where you lived but I wouldn’t tell her. She hit me, and that’s all. Now I follow her. I’m looking out for her.”
“What the fuck are you gonna do for her, you’re scared of your own shadow.”
“She’s all alone, I just wanted to…” He shrugged his shoulders, tried to look imploringly at a whole bunch of people that didn’t want his imploring look. “…I thought if I could be her friend, if I could help her, then maybe I could make it up to all of you…”
And that had caused an uproar of sorts. Willow losing it again, assuring him that there was no way that he would be making it up to her, Angel wading in to try and calm the storm, Xander taking umbrage with Angel, Cordy taking offence there. It was all sorts of messed up, all sorts of non happy home like. We didn’t need the turmoil, we were so past a need for turmoil of any sort.
I don’t know who called the break till morning, who’s idea it was to try and sleep on some of the upset, but it was a welcome call. Everybody taking the moment to draw breath, to look around and take stock, to remember that attacking each other was not the way that things should go.
“What about him though, I don’t want him sleeping in the house, surely you understand that Buffy, surely you don’t want him here with Dawn, with any of us?”
“He’s harmless Wills, I’m a little more worried about what one of you might do to him, rather than anything else.”
“Red’s got a point B, can’t just let him wander around, how do you know that he’s not working with her, waiting on another opportunity to sell us all down the river?”
I’d gotten a few nods for my very valid argument.
“Well what do you suggest Faith?”
“Lock him in the basement with the rats.”
“We don’t have rats.”
“Well now we do.”
And that had sealed his fate. A night spent down below, with Angel keeping sentry duty. It seemed fair to me. He had messed with my family, I didn’t want to give him a return try, another chance to damage what was just being put back together. No way. No chances.
I knock softly on the door, just checking that it’s okay to enter, giving the girl the opportunity to control her own environment.
“Who is it?”
“Me.”
“Oh, come on in.”
Finding her laying on her favourite spot on the bed, head down the wrong end, feet in the air, writing furiously in one of her little books. Journals. A written record of everything that is occurring.
“Hey kid, shouldn’t you be hitting the hay, school tomorrow, don’t wanna see ya snoozing through your classes.”
“Ha! Like it makes a difference. Knowing this house, they’ll be another apocalypse due the middle of next week, and then the classes will all seem redundant. Plus I have double gym tomorrow, it’s nothing worth sleeping for.”
I can see her point. It must be damn hard to keep a focus on school work when you live a life like hers.
“Still, you know Buffy’s gonna be pissed if you flunk. Can’t have two Summer’s girls flipping burgers for a living.”
“I was going to apply to the pizza place, there’s definite advancement in spreading cheese over flat bread bases.”
“You wanna work at the pizza parlour?”
“Not really, but it’d be worth it to see the look on Buffy’s face.”
She smiles a devilish little grin, flips herself round and closes her book, tosses the pen across the room to land perfectly on the desk.
“Hey, nice aim!”
“I play with the cross bows when no one’s here, it helps.”
More grin. More sass.
“So what ya writing in the book about?”
“It’s private.”
“Uh-huh, so whatcha writing about?”
“You really want to know?”
“I share secrets with you, seems a fair trade.”
She opens the journal again and runs her fingers through the pages, her eyebrows knitting as if in deep concentration. Her gaze flitting between me and the words.
“It’s mostly just girls stuff, school stuff, Janice is hot for Kevin, I’m documenting her progress…”
“Is Kevin a hottie?”
“No, he smells, but he can do a mean ‘kick flip’ on his board and Janice loves her skater boys.”
Kick flip? Sounds like a slaying term.
“Riiight… so what about you, who you crushing on?”
“I don’t crush, I’m way too mature.”
“So no one?”
“I’m saving myself for Brad Pitt, he keeps calling, but you know how it is. Gotta get through high school first.”
I love this kid, she makes me laugh.
“Responsible, I like it.”
“Yeah. Brad’s not so keen.”
She closes up the book again and lays down on her back, settles her eyes somewhere on that space upon the ceiling. And I know the kind of things that live there, the cracks to be counted, the thoughts that won’t be shifted.
“So what else is up, apart from the Brad thing?”
“Andrew.”
Oh. I guess she’s a little wary of him too.
“It’ll be okay kid, I won’t let him hurt you, I won’t let him hurt any of us this time. Angel is watching him tonight, you’re safe.”
The look that she throws at me is full of rolling eyes, and shaking heads. “You think that I’m afraid of Andrew?”
“Aren’t you?”
And now she laughs. It’s good that we can amuse each other.
“Not likely, he’s a wiener, and a terrified wiener at that. I could never be afraid of him.”
“So what’s the what?”
“I don’t know Faith… I feel, I guess I feel sorry for him. He’s just so… pathetic?” I nod my agreement. “And everyone is being so mean. I know that he was wrong, I know that he was really wrong… but I don’t think that he meant it, and couldn’t we just…”
She looks as if she is afraid of me now, afraid of saying what she feels.
“Hey, spit it out right?”
“Can’t we give him another shot, can’t we forgive him?”
Oh whoa, no, not a flying fuck of a chance.
“Not likely Dawnie, the kid tried to destroy our family, he nearly did… man, think about that, think about the things that he did… I won’t let him off with that. You shouldn’t either.”
“I thought that you’d be more…”
I feel it prickling at the back of my mind. Tripping across my conscience. Fight it down. Beat it back.
“Don’t say it Dawn, it’s not happening.”
I turn from her, go to the door, throw a last comment over my shoulder. “Get to bed, you’ve got school.”
And then I flip the lights.
I knew what she meant, of course I did. It didn’t mean that I was ready to examine it though, not in there. Not with her. I had grunted my way successfully through my past with B, but I still recognised that there was so much left unsaid, so much left ungrunted. There were reasons that I wanted to ride Andrew’s ass so hard, reasons that I needed to.
He hurt me. He hurt B. He tried to destroy my family.
I remember the body swap with such clarity, the moment in the church when it all came crashing down around me. Faced with myself, faced with what I was, a moment when my fiercest punches rained down to try and destroy everything that I could see looking up at me. Hurting Andrew now, was like taking pot shots at myself then.
I’ve managed to outrun the self doubt, managed to see that I’m so different now, that I’m not that person anymore, that I could never be that person again. But I see the bigger picture, I feel it deep inside. I still haven’t been able to forgive myself for all of it. I have their words, I have their smiles, I have their acceptance of this new me, but the joke of it all, is that the more time I spend with them, the closer I get to them… the more that I learn to despise all that I did to them.
It’s so easy to ignore the sad looks from Angel, the pained expressions from Tara, because I’m so angry at everything I have done. I understand so much better now. I know how much that I hurt her.
“Someone’s looking mighty pensive.”
Cue the grunting.
“Ooo, grunts, my favourite form of communication.”
I dare to let my eyes find hers, dare to see the sparkle that she has for me, the shine that she bestows on me. And I can’t help but feel the smallest of chokes in the back of my throat. I tried so hard to destroy her.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing wrong B, just… stuff.”
I close my eyes now as she slides down on the bed beside me, her hand feeling so soft as it wipes the hair from my face to behind my ear, feeling the weight shift around as she brings her head to rest on the pillow next to me. Whispering words to make me feel better, only making my heart feel worse.
“If it’s bad stuff Faith, you know that you can talk about it. I’m here.”
I think of Andrew down below, how much hate I have for him, how much rage, how much anger I feel inside for everything that he did to us. And it’s crushing, an unbearable weight of things that I need to say. Not grunts. But words.
“I hurt you so bad, didn’t I B?”
“Huh?”
“I get it now, I understand it now. I hurt you so bad.”
“Faith, what’s going on, what are you talking about?”
I turn to my side to face her, I want her to see, I want her to know. My tears rival the boy’s as they slide down my cheeks, my lips aching as I bite my way into them.
“I never really got it, I got that I was sorry, that I was wrong, that I fucked up big style… but I never got it till now. Never understood.”
“You’re scaring me a little here, I don’t know what you mean.”
She is nothing but caring as her fingers trace the tracks of pain from my eyes, wiping them away, offering me all of those special little smiles still. “What are you talking about?”
“Everything. Everything that I did to you, everything that I tried to take from you… the whole fucking lot of it B. I get it now.”
“We’ve talked about this, we forgave each other… I don’t understand…”
I hush her with my finger, bring it up to her lips.
“I never had a family, I never had a home. I never knew what I was fucking around with, and now… damn. Now I feel it, now I know.”
Deep breaths.
“It’s so damn special B, you, Dawn, all of you, and having him here, knowing what he did, what he tried to do to us… I fucking hate him. I want to end him, I want to destroy him, I want to make him pay for all of it.”
“I get that, he’s not top of my Christmas card list either.”
No jokes.
“No B, I HATE him. I’ve never felt like this, not ever this much.”
And it’s true. Even when I had hatred for her, it was selfish, a different kind of hatred. This is so much more… this is my family for fucks sake. This is everything. And with that understanding comes the worst knowledge, the realisation of not only how much all that I did must have hurt her, but also how much she must have hated me. It scares me. It hurts me.
Her brow is furrowing before me, her own eyes becoming sad like mine. Tears gathering without reason.
“I don’t know what to say Faith, he won’t be here long. We just need to find out what he knows, and then… well, then he can go back to stalking the graveyard. Quit worrying so much baby, it’s okay.”
“How much did you hate me?”
“What?”
“Back then… I did as bad as him, I did worse maybe. There was your mom, your sister, your friends… I tried to take that all down. How much did you hate me?”
She shakes her head, gentle. Still gentle.
“We don’t need to do this, it’s past. It’s done. I love you.”
“How much?”
“Faith?”
She doesn’t get it. Maybe I don’t get it. But I need to know… because what I feel inside for him, it’s eating at me. Tearing at me. Reminding me again of the darkness, how easy it would be to end him. To take him out. To stop him from ever hurting any of them ever again. And so I need to know how much she hated me. How she ever forgave me. How I forgive myself.
“Please B, just answer me. How much?”
The way that she pulls herself up is less gentle. A need to wipe at her tears now, to look at me with all sorts of confusion.
“Why are you doing this? I don’t want to do this.”
“I need to do this.”
Her eyes steel. Her expression hardens.
“Fine. I hated you like nothing else, is that what you want to hear? I wanted you dead, I wanted you gone… I couldn’t understand why you wanted to hurt me so much, what I had done to ever make you want to take so much from me…”
“Your family.”
“Yes Faith. My family. I could’ve dealt with me, if it was just me you were hurting, but my god… you hurt mom, you could’ve hurt Dawn. You were willing to kill my friends… that was what I couldn’t deal with. That’s what hurt so bad. That’s why I couldn’t just forgive you.”
“I understand now.”
I think she thinks that I have lost the plot. Maybe lost several plots. Her head shaking again, her body tensing.
“What the hell is this about? You understand what?”
I stand from the bed and walk round to her side. Kneel before her on the floor, wait until her eyes have settled into mine. My fingers now raising to wipe away her tears, the ones that I caused.
“I understand what I did. I feel how much I hurt you.”
“Faith…”
“No, I have to say it. You have to hear it.”
Her teeth clench tightly to her lip, but her eyes never leave mine. I don’t know if she understands exactly what this is all about, I’m not sure if I do, but she is letting me do it, she is giving me what I need.
“I’m sorry Buffy. I am so damn sorry, every pain I caused you, every fucked up thing that I did… I’m sorry.”
I try and emphasise the word. Make it mean even more. Settle back down and await her reaction.
“You are so beautiful.”
Not what I was expecting.
“B…”
“No… you had your turn, now I get mine.” She moves herself from the bed to sit beside me on the floor, on her knees. Her hands coming down to hold my hands, her fingers lacing their way between mine. “I have never not had a family Faith, never not had a home, I’ve always had love… the same way that you never understood what it was like to have it, I never understood not having it. Yes, you hurt me, yes, in so many ways I hated you… but none of that can come close to how much I forgive you.”
Now my head shakes. I don’t mean it to. It just does, her hand leaving mine to prevent it from falling off.
“And you can stop that right now. Yes what you did was wrong, but you’ve said it yourself… you didn’t understand. I don’t think either of us understood, maybe if we had, we could’ve got to this place a whole lot sooner. You have to let go of it baby, you have to forgive yourself like I have, like we all have.”
“Just like that?”
“Trust me, you’ll feel much better for it. Less burdened.”
I love her smile.
“And Andrew?”
I also love the funny faces that she pulls.
“I don’t forgive him, not yet. But I don’t hate him. I get why you do… this is all new to you right? You feel like he wants to take it away?”
“I want to end him, I don’t want to feel like that.”
“You don’t Faith, you want to protect us, it’s a difference.”
Is it? It feels the same.
“Can we end him a little?”
Now I love her laugh.
“No! What we can do is keep an eye on him, listen to him, maybe understand what he has to say. It won’t be easy, I saw Wills put the evil eye on him… but Tara will work on her, it’s all about chances Faith. You know that yourself… I think that he deserves a chance.”
“I think that he needs a smack.”
“You into spanking boys?”
Everything that she is doing is about calming me down. Lightening the sombre assed mood that I have inflicted upon us. And I let her. I need her to.
“More for the girls, but I’m not totally against the idea.”
“Well maybe tomorrow you can give him a little spank, just to make you feel better, okay?”
“I love you B.”
“And I love you. Definitely working out better for us than the hate.”
“Much better.”
“Plus there’s the perks.”
“Perks?”
“Hot sex, I never got the hot sex with the hate.”
I feel my eyebrows waggling out my thoughts before I even think them. Dancing seductively across my face, suggesting all sorts of naughty pastimes.
“You in the mood for the hot sex B?”
“I’m in the mood for you.”
Her own brows don’t dance like mine did, she just smiles a radiant smile at me, lifts herself up and holds out a hand, starts to slowly undress me. Piece by piece, layer by layer. Opening me up and making me hers. Making me better with every touch, forgiving myself with every kiss.
I don’t think about Andrew as she makes love to me, he doesn’t even once cross my mind, but I know deep down inside, below everything, below consciousness… somewhere underneath all of that, the hate is less. The darkness is less.
I start to forgive myself.
“Rise and shine sunbeam, got a busy day ahead of ya!”
I see Angel’s look, his confusion, his step back as he lets me near the prisoner.
“You okay Faith?”
“Never better, spirits soaring…”
“Should I ask?”
It’s all in the eyebrows.
“Not unless you’re into the sordid side of story telling.”
Andrew cowers back from me as I approach him, the happy set of my voice obviously doing nothing to allay his fears, everything about him remembering the danger of yesterday.
“Easy there tiger, I’m not gonna hurt ya.”
“You’re not?”
“Nah, I thought about it, weighed up the pros and the cons, but no… you’re safe for now. Just watch your step, cos you sure as hell know that I will be.”
“I told you… I want to be good now, I want to help…”
“Save it, it’s like Buffy said, you gotta earn that redemption, can’t just claim it.”
I offer him a hand up from the floor, try not to show my distaste at the sweaty feel of his palms.
“I’m ready to earn it.”
“Great! You can start by making apologies to Red, she might fry ya, but hey… she might not, then you can have some breakfast and make with the info. You up for that?”
“Uh… fry me?”
“Hell yeah, girls got wicked power. You never should’ve messed with her.”
I see and hear the gulp that travels his throat, and I will stop messing, but fuck it, the kid still has to pay something. I may hate less, but I’m not ready to impart hugs, to make it all better for him.
He staggers up the stairs, me hanging back a little to toss some words with Angel, to give him a little of the low down on the thoughts and feelings of the night before. I made him smile, made him proud again.
“Half of the battle is forgiving yourself.”
Sweet words. Believable words. A burden that I didn’t even realise was weighing me down, feeling a whole lot lighter this morning. My step friskier, my shoulders looser. It’s all good.
We even managed to duck through the morning without any Andrew sized casualties. Everyone watching him, a couple of them extending out hands to him. Dawn of course… offering some hushed words, soft words, before she had left for the trauma of double gym. And of course Tara. The girl who never ceases to amaze me. But then she has no badness in her, it got her through hell, makes all of our home lives feel closer to heaven. She is the best at forgiveness, wiping his slate clean as soon as he had whispered and whined his way through sorry.
Buffy was business like. Stood next to Giles and awaiting the questions again, not being harsh, but not being soft either. Just prodding him gently to extract all that we needed.
“So you told us what she looks like. You told us how she fights. Is that everything, are you sure that there’s nothing else?”
And he had lit up like a fucking light bulb, almost jumping up and down in his seat.
“I’ve been following her!”
“Yeah Einstein, we got that, your point?”
I smiled as well, didn’t just rip into him.
“I uh… I know where she is staying!”
Oh my fucking good god. And he couldn’t have just said that the first damn minute that we got here. No. Too easy. I know I shook my head in exasperation, saw Giles and B copy me, saw everyone follow my trend.
But then we straightened up. Listened to him tell us the places that she goes to, the holes in which she hides. The clock ticking closer to sundown, the time when she starts to prowl, when she slays. It seems that the council may call her wacky, but she is wacky with a sense of duty. Patrolling the whole time that Andrew had ever followed her.
It leaves us with a lot of questions, a lot of confusion. Each minute passing, bringing us closer to our answers. We are ready to find her, to call her out. Hell, maybe to bring her home. Either way, whatever option, I know that tonight I am finally going to meet her.
Hyped is not even close.
POV Buffy.
She is so damn hyper. All day, ever since the morning interrogation of the not so evil genius, she has been bouncing off of the walls. Her tone reduced to nothing but coarse and cocky, banter falling from her lips every time that anyone has spoken to her. It gets wearing. Knowing why she’s bursting with the excitement, but not being able to share in the joy.
“Oh come on B, it’s like getting a new sister or something, it’ll be wicked.”
“A new psychotic sister. Gee. Can’t wait.”
Her eyes had dimmed for a moment with confusion, but then she had just shrugged her shoulders and gone back to her bouncing. “Well I think it’s cool, and all that psychotic stuff is just overkill. What psycho’s do you know go out and fulfil their heroic duty?”
She had a point, but I still couldn’t affix my best cheer voice and make with the high kicks. I just had a bad feeling about something, not a slayer bad feeling, an onset of warning of doom and of gloom, but a Buffy bad feeling. A little slice of women’s intuition.
Or jealousy.
I had never realised how much I liked being part of a ‘Chosen Two’. As in one plus one. Not one plus one, plus another one, because that makes three. And they say that two is company and three’s a crowd. I feel crowded already. Completely irrational, completely ridiculous, beyond selfish… but I just want to keep this bond as our own. I don’t want to feel a low down, back ground humming, whenever this new girl walks into my space, I don’t want to look into her eyes and know that we share an unbreakable connection. No. And I don’t want Faith to want it either. I want exclusive rights to the slayer bond.
So I had watched her bounce, and not bounced with her, listened to her jokes and not laughed with her. Everything going really well in the ‘feeling the fun times’ programme of events for the day.
“Hey Sweetie, are you okay?”
And I didn’t even notice that she was there. Had thought that the empty kitchen really was empty, showing just how off of my game I really am today.
“I’m good Tara, just thinking. You been standing there long?”
“Not long, just long enough to watch the thought process in action, and ouch… that many frown lines has to hurt.” Her voice is so soft, so melodic, always urging that the hard times be less. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“There really isn’t anything to talk about. No big crisis, no impending doomyness.”
“Are you and Faith okay?”
And here comes my smile. Because okay doesn’t even come close to covering it. Me and Faith are wonderful, we’re everything that I have ever wanted. “We’re perfect Tara, in fact, we’re more than perfect, take perfect and add a whole extra dollop of perfection. That’s nearly close.”
She moves over to where I’m sitting, grabs a stool and plonks herself down next to me. Her eyes alight with all kinds of happiness.
“That’s what I like to hear, everything going good in the land of the relationship.”
“Makes a change for me.”
“It’s a nice change. I like it.”
I find myself nodding, because I like it too. “What about you and Wills, you guys are all with the good again now, right?”
Cue more lighting eyes, more of the happy.
“We’re getting there. It’s been hard, with the magic, but she understands now. You can’t cure everything with a spell.”
I know that Willow has been spending a lot of time with Giles recently, re-learning the rules that she had so obviously flouted, understanding that every action has a reaction, that there’s always consequences, nothing comes for free. I also believe that she is going to be fine, she has Tara, and she has love, and that’s a pretty firm foundation for making the right choices.
“You can cure lots of things with love though Tara, I’ve learnt that lesson.”
“Sure, love helps, then there’s the understanding of course, the healing, forgiveness. I believe in her goodness Buffy, she may have touched the bad, messed around with the darkness, but she’s still my Willow, that’s what’s important.”
I nod my head in agreement, I know all about touching darkness, playing with the bad, and so I also know how important it is to see beyond that. How many good things you can miss if you’re too busy documenting the not so good.
“So are you ready for tonight?”
“Tonight?”
“Finding this new slayer, it has to be exciting, another girl like you, like Faith.”
“Uh-huh.”
Really. Everything that I have ever wished for.
“Buffy?”
“It’s nothing Tara, I’m sure it’s gonna be great. Three girls has got to be better than two, maybe we can rotate apocalypses.”
“I’m getting that you’re not overly happy?”
Is it that obvious?
“The council said that she’s rogue… I’m being cautious.”
“ Do you trust the council?”
Not even a small part of me. We don’t know the full story yet, probably won’t do until we meet this new girl, this Kennedy, but the fact that she’s here slaying makes me think that she isn’t as crazed with the rogue as we’re supposed to believe that she is.
“I don’t trust them, no, but that doesn’t mean that I’m hopping aboard the happy slayer train. Things have just settled down, I’ve barely had the chance to be slay girl with Faith yet, and I just, oh I don’t know. Have you ever heard the saying, ‘two’s company, three’s a crowd’?”
“I’ve heard it.”
“Well I feel like I’m living it. Being alone was horrible, one girl in all the world and all of that other isolated crap, but finding Faith again has beaten those feelings. I like her company. I don’t want to be part of a crowd.”
And boy that sounds stupid.
“That sounds kind of selfish Buffy.”
“You think? I was settling on stupid.”
Her laugh tinkles out and makes me smile. Her hand reaching out and encompassing my own. “Maybe silly, not stupid.”
Maybe both.
“I’m sure it’ll all be fine, I’m just worrying about things that I don’t need to worry about.”
“I think that you’re probably right. What does Faith have to say?”
I train my ears to listen down below, hear the sounds of her punches landing hard upon the training bag. Just a work out, just controlling some of the hyperness.
“Not so much with the saying, more with the bouncing. I think she’s pretty hyped, all kinds of eager to meet her successor. It’d be cute if I wasn’t so…”
“Jealous?”
“No! Not jealous… more like… cautious.”
“Because she’s rogue?”
Yes. No.
“Because she’s a slayer. Because she’s beautiful. Because maybe she can offer Faith everything that she could ever need, when just a few days ago, I was the only one who could ever do that.”
And now her head shakes, her sigh following fast.
“That IS kind of stupid. There’s a whole lot more to you and Faith, other than the slayer bonding. You love each other.”
“Of course we do, I know that, but…” And how do I explain it when I barely understand it myself. “…with me and Faith, I always felt that it started with the slayer thing. The only two in the world, the only one’s able to ever truly understand our burden, our calling. It’s special to me Tara, I don’t want to share that.”
“You really are worrying over nothing. Yours and Faith’s connection will always be special, you could create a thousand new slayers, and still you two would be special. There’s too much history, too many moments, too much of everything for anyone else to ever even dream about touching that.”
“You think so.”
“I know so.”
She gives another little squeeze of my hand, makes me almost feel silly for having the worries. All of her words reminding me of the security I have found in Faith. All of the private things, the things that no one else could ever touch.
“It’s still gonna be a little weird though, silly insecurities aside, I mean… what if she makes me buzz like Faith does. What if she makes Faith buzz? Faith is already buzzing enough…”
“Stop worrying!”
I try to.
“You have to remember Buffy that this girl never asked for this, the same way that you didn’t, that Faith didn’t, neither did she. If she is rogue, if she is a little from the unstable side of the tracks, then she is going to need your help… and even if she isn’t as bi polar as the council would have us believe, then she is still going to need your help. Cut her some slack, don’t go in there expecting the worst from her.”
“Yes oh wise one.”
I feel like I should bow to her wisdom, call her Sensei.
“Someone has to be the wise one.”
She has a good point. God knows where we would be if the whole gang was as unwise as I am. Not that I can’t be wise, just sometimes my wise part of the brain disengages in favour of the not so wise part. It’s a condition.
“I hope she isn’t rogue, nothing causes bruises better than a pissed off slayer. I remember.”
“There’s two of you though Buffy, even if she is, surely you can take her down, pacify her.”
Pacify her?
I forget that Tara wasn’t really here for Faith’s ‘bad patch’. She wouldn’t be using words like ‘pacify’, if she had of been.
“That’s right Tara, we’re all about the pacification.”
I pull myself up from my seat, feeling a little better now than I was a few minutes ago. Maybe even good enough to go and handle some of Faith’s bounciness. Good enough to spar with my partner. Not thinking at all that this spar, this moment, could be our last time together as a twosome.
Her eyes fall upon me as soon as I enter the room, not breaking her rhythm, not stopping her body from following through on its work out, just letting me know that she knows that I am here. A smile gracing her features, even as the grunts fall fast from her lips. And I know that I have thought it a thousand times before, but she really is beautiful.
“Hey baby, you want some company?”
She catches the bag between her wrapped hands, offers me a little cock of an eyebrow. “You wanna come and play B? I thought you weren’t ‘in the mood’, for training today?”
“I had a mood swing.”
She seems satisfied with my answer and turns her back to me, walks over to the bench and starts unwrapping her hands. The movement drawing my eyes, watching her fingers busy at work.
“What do you wanna train with? I haven’t done cross bow in a while, I think your sister’s aim is getting better than mine…”
Sister’s aim? Dawn has an aim?
“… or we could give the knives a go? Giles got a wicked new set, really nasty looking.”
I start to stretch my muscles out, bending and pulling, rolling my head around until I begin to really feel loose. Ready to play.
“I was thinking something like hand to hand, Faith. Just a little one on one?”
Her attention is grabbed. Her gaze locking into mine, the endless possibilities playing out over her face. And she slips so effortlessly into role, offers me some excitement.
“You think you can take me B?”
I want to.
I take up an attacking stance, let my eyes take a leisurely stroll across her body, holding myself tight over her curves, my breath catching on her lips.
“I know that I can take you.”
She loves a challenge.
What she offers me in return is the shit eating grin, her dimples on full show as she brings her body in closer, holds her hand out for me to shake.
“Fair fight B, may the best lady win.”
“I think we both know who’s going to win Faith”
“I love it when you get all aggressive.”
I take that as my cue to move, to spin in her hand and offer an elbow to the ribs. Nothing too hard, no more than a love tap.
“And I love it when you play submissive, it’s like I said, we both know who’s going to win.”
“I don’t do submissive.”
“Sure you do Faith.” I time my sweep to perfection, throw her attention with the look in my eyes and take the legs clean from under her. Pushing home my advantage, taking her arm in a tight hold and rolling her on to her front, letting my weight come to rest against her back. “Now this feels kind of submissive.”
“Lucky sweep B, I was distracted.”
The more that she strains up, the harder I hold her arm, edging it round to hurting point.
“I don’t believe in luck baby, I think that you just wanted to be underneath me. It’s the truth, you know it, I know it, you may as well submit to it.”
And is she laughing?
“Sorry B.”
What?
I lean in closer, whisper a request for a repeat of her words. Get nothing in return except the smash of her head. Hard. Knocking me from her back, making me bring my fingers up to my face.
“I can’t believe you did that!”
“Stop being such a wuss, you started the fighting dirty, and this here girl’s got a rep to protect.”
“I was NOT fighting dirty, and what the hell have you got in your head anyway? I’ve known rocks softer.”
No lie. That hurt.
Now it’s her turn to start to stalk me, her feet dancing softly round the mats as she eyes me up. Laughing a little to herself at my still pained expression. “Come on B, that was nothing.”
“It hurt!”
“You want a kiss better?”
And I feel a little slip of the mask as the slayer in me begs to make her appearance. Not liking the not being the aggressor. Needing to reaffirm my status. I see as she takes notice of the change, her own shoulders taking a second to go loose and then tensing back up. Just a small change, barely noticeable.
“Looks like the gloves are off B.”
“It’s the only way.”
Her smile is as large as mine as we start with the full on sparring. Years old routines of kicks and punches coming back to the fore. Every single combination, every practiced sequence of moves, we covered them all. Never really about hurting each other, just bringing out the best in each other. Slayer to slayer.
Our taunting words turning into words of encouragement, anytime that the fight was sliding one way over the other.
“Come on B, I know you’ve got better than that.”
Bringing me in for more when my body had urged its first rest.
“Jeez, even your kid sister hits harder.”
And turning straight back to taunting whenever a heavy shot was landed.
We went on for ages, trading blows, trading insults, trading love. Our hands covering every inch of naked skin in their pursuit of holds and of grips, every single one of our muscles stretched out and used, pushed to the point of pure freedom. It was exhilarating. The perfect work out. The perfect work up.
It ended with both of us on our backs, breathing heavily and just staring up at the dusty ceiling.
“I guess that answers it then B.”
“Answers it?”
“Who’s the submissive one.”
“It does?”
“Sure it does.” She rolls over to her side, props herself up on an elbow. “Neither of us wants to give up the top spot, must be something about the view.”
My memories flash to her underneath me.
“The view has always been good.”
“Then again, it could be something to do with the power.”
Remembering the sensation of being inside of her. Making her moan for me.
“I like the power too.”
My words have fallen to barely a whisper. Silenced by her fingers reaching out to gently touch me, just a faint graze, the tips across my cheek. And I forget all about my own power, lose myself somewhere in the power of her.
“Can I kiss you B?”
“You don’t need permission. You know that.”
Smiling at the submission in her request the whole time that her body is sliding over mine, taking the upper hand. Her hair falling down to enclose us in darkness, her lips reaching out to enclose us in a kiss. Such a perfect kiss.
“Nice.”
It’s the first thing that pops to mind.
“Just ‘nice’?”
She props herself up on her elbow again. Runs her fingers slowly down my side, stopping to trace out the edge of my training top, to sneak surreptitious grazes across the strain of my breast. I can feel myself beginning to ache with the need to be touched by her, growing taut with the expectation.
“A whole lot of nice.”
“Maybe this will make you think of more than nice, B.”
My pulse quickens in reaction to the dangerous glint shining bright in her eyes. The sexual smile that’s dripping from her lips. I think that I whimper again. I know that I want to. My eyes closing when I feel her mouth slide over my jaw, down to my neck, my head leaning back to give her the room to work with.
Her tongue slips slowly out to tickle deliciously across my shoulder, across to my chest, my thankful sigh filling the room as her lips close tight around a nipple.
“Jesus Faith.”
Feeling her teeth sharp through the barrier of my top as she bites playfully at me, sucking me in hard and then letting me go. Teasing me.
“What do you say B? Better than ‘nice’?”
She expects me to speak then?
When I open my eyes again, hers are locked tightly into mine. Still flashing with the dangerous glint, reaching deep inside of me. Making me flash danger of my own.
“That was hot as fuck Faith. Hot. As. Fuck.”
My words seem to echo against the stone walls of the basement. Bringing her back down to touch me, her lips taking mine in another kiss, her hands searching to find the skin beneath the top, fingers caressing flesh, pinching hard at my nipples. And I pull my way into her, demand that her thigh takes its place between my legs, that I can feel her against me. “I need you Faith.”
So much truth there. Knowing now that there is another, that there is three… it’s got me spooked. And I need this moment, this reaffirmation of her touch. Again. Only managing to resist a few hours at a time until I need to be with her. I need it to remember the bond that is so much more than the slayer.
I raise my arms up above my head as she pulls the top away from my body, her lips leaving patterns on every piece of skin travelled. Never stopping. Kissing her way down my stomach to get to my shorts. Pulling at the string, undoing a knot.
“I need you too.”
Smiling at her words, smiling at her touch. Pulling at my pants until they lay discarded on the floor. Her face rising up my body. Her tongue dipping out to run smooth across my pussy, edging my lips apart, losing myself in the sensation of mouths and of fingers. All so hot. All so here.
All so fucking fantastic.
I just about manage not to bite through the whole of my bottom lip when she makes me cum, my hands lost somewhere in her hair, my thighs wrapping tight about her head. Dying to scream, to holler out my absolute unending approval of everything that she does to me. Just biting though. Tight until she kisses me, her body laying warm and flush alongside me.
“That was some nice submission B.”
“Thank you. It felt good to give up the power.”
“It felt pretty fucking good to have it as well.”
Now it’s my turn to roll onto an elbow, to take my place above her.
“You wanna give it back now?”
The smirk that falls across her lips lets me know that she understood my meaning. My hand sliding down to her own shorts just in case she had missed it.
“I’m all for the sharing B.”
My fingers get as far as the inside of her waistband, before the door opens up on a flustered Willow. Walking down the steps, walking in on more than just a heavy spar session.
“Buff, Dawn’s asking if we can order Pizza… and oh my goddess! I am not seeing this. No way, got my eyes closed, I did NOT need to see that…” Her eyes peep out from between her fingers again. “… though now I can finally stop wondering about how that looks, but still… I didn’t see a thing.” She starts backing slowly away. Heading up the stairs. “Nothing. I saw nothing. I’m gonna go back to the kitchen now, maybe come back in a minute. Maybe ten.”
Holy crap.
“I think she nearly stopped breathing.”
“The girl's got a talent.”
She’s also got eyes, eyes that just travelled over my very naked body, and my very busy hand. I don’t think that it’s the best way to get myself out of her dreams. And what was that she said?
‘…now I can finally stop wondering about how that looks…’
Oh god.
I make an impassioned, if somewhat late, grab for my shorts, just as an impressive grab made for my top. “This is all your fault Faith, getting all demandy like that…”
“I told you, I have a rep to protect.”
I laugh at her wink, it’s really the only way. Jumping up to standing when I hear the door go again. Feeling the flush.
“Yay, you have clothes!”
“Sorry Wills, got carried away.”
“Hey, no need to don’t apologise to me, not so good if Dawnie had walked in though…”
Point taken.
“So what’s the what then Red, we ordering this pizza?”
“I think so. Giles is treating again. Dawn wants it, Andrew wants it… I only came down to see if you two wanted it, but now I’m guessing you’ve already had it.”
“Funny Wills, really funny.”
She teases us all the time that we take to decide on an order, every sentence a fresh way to inflict embarrassment. And I let her, I’ll take my revenge. Some day. Just laughing along as she makes her way back up the stairs, leaving us to wallow in the shame all by ourselves.
“That was all sorts of uncomfortable.”
“You think? I reckon Red was totally scamming on you, I caught the hungry glances, saw the drool. That girl’s definitely got herself an appetite…”
“No! Not a chance!” I throw her my indignant look with much speed and great strength. “You’re only saying that because of the other day, I wish I hadn’t had told you now.”
“It’s sweet that she has the naughty thoughts for you, it’s really what friends are for.”
“Not my friends.”
I worry that it’s about to turn towards shouting, and then she just starts laughing. Almost rolling around the floor with the laughing.
“Your face is so funny B! Man, you and Red? That’d be a big old non shock.”
“You’re not amusing me.”
“Well you’re not amusing me either… I’m the one all crazy jealous.”
And is it wrong to think that she’s an idiot?
Is it wrong that she’s touched a nerve?
Crazy jealous. Cautious.
“Are we gonna head out, straight after the pizza?”
“Whoa, there’s a rapid change of subject. Maybe I really should be getting jealous?”
She looks at me as if she is totally trying to suss out an answer. Fool.
“You have nothing to worry about. Ever.”
“Aw, ya mean that B?”
“Of course I mean that, I love you.”
It earns me a kiss.
“I don’t mind when we head out, I’m all kinds of sweaty from the exercise, I need a shower…”
“I could wash your back?”
Her instant smile gives me my instant yes. “Sure thing girlfriend, got an itch that could use a scratch.”
Her wink confirming it.
I sit myself down next to her and set about warming down my muscles, just getting back the soft feel of loose. Letting my body know that the exertions are over. For now.
“You think that Andy Pandy really knows where to find her?”
“I think he’s telling the truth, he’d have to have a crazy old death wish to be messing around with us again. It feels like the truth.”
“You’re feeling it too then?”
“What?”
She offers me a little frown. “The expectation thing, the buzz. It’s like when I knew I was coming to meet you, something in me was just all fucking fizzed up full of the juice, now tonight… it feels the same. Like I know we’re gonna find her. You getting that?”
The only thing that I’m getting is acid in my tummy.
“That’s some pretty big feeling you have there.”
“It’s a pretty big event, it’s not everyday you get a new member for the most exclusive club in the world.”
“Club?”
“‘Hot chicks with super powers!’. Xander’s the club captain, he’ll tell you all about it.”
There’s a club? My head hurts. And…
“Maybe she’s not hot.”
“No way! It’s like a pay off from the PTB. Look around at any super hero chick ever and they’ve all got the hots working for them. Take away the costumes and it’s all curves galore.”
I get the feeling that she’s researched her subject.
“She might be an exception.”
“Nah, Andrew said she’s beautiful, remember?”
“Yeah, and he also said that he was going to rule the world. Not the most reliable source.”
I try not to notice that she’s frowning at me again, moving until her fingers wrap around my foot, helping me to loosen out my calves.
“Are you alright B? You’re acting a little…”
Do not say jealous.
“…strange.”
Ah. Strange. So much better.
“I’m fine, I just… maybe you’re rushing into this joy at the whole new slayer thing. What if she IS rogue, what if she’s completely round the twist and crazy?”
“Then we’ll deal with it right? She’s one of us now, that has to mean something.”
I try and keep what it means to me, away from my face. My expression remaining blank. “I’m just saying, we should be… cautious.”
“We’re two big bad slayers, I think we can handle a little less with the caution. Not everything has to be about the rough times B. Loosen up a little, find the fun.”
She is twirling my foot the whole time that she is talking. Unbearable jiggling.
“Quit with the foot already!”
“Huh?”
“My foot. Attached to my ankle. Attached to my body!”
She looks down at what she is doing, offers me a sheepish gaze. “Sorry. I guess I’m a bit hyped…”
“No way?”
“I get what you’re saying, we should be cautious, but I get the excitement too… three slayers B, that’s fucking crazy.”
“Yeah, crazy.” I should probably stop talking, but then I’ve disengaged the wise part. “Aren’t you even just a little bit… bothered?”
“Bothered? About what?”
“This… us…” I motion to the empty space between us, the unseen connection. “…aren’t you bothered about sharing this?”
“You wanna… share this?”
Now I get the frown times ten.
“That’s just it Faith, I don’t want to share this. I like this, I like us, I don’t ever want to share it.”
Again with the selfish.
“You’re confusing me here.”
“I am?”
“Hell yeah. I was talking about getting a new slayer, and you’re talking about all sorts of sharing shit… what you got planned for this girl?”
My mind travels slowly. Her face never changing the whole time. And then I get it…
“No Faith! Not share ‘this’, not this ‘this’, the other ‘this’.”
“Oh right. The other ‘this’.”
I’m glad we cleared that one up.
“What the fuck are you talking about B?”
And do I have to explain everything twice?
“The bond Faith! The fizz, the buzz… all of those warm and fuzzy feelings in the somewhere down below region. I don’t want to share that with another girl, I don’t want you to share that with another girl…”
“Why the fuck would I wanna share that with another girl? Jesus, what do you think I am?”
“You’re the one full of the, ‘Yay, another slayer to add to the club’, I’d say you can’t wait to share it!”
She pulls herself up from the mats now and starts to stalk about. Her words falling fast as she paces back and forth. “I can’t wait to share the calling, share the slaying, I damn well never thought about sharing anything else… you really think that I’d wanna do that?”
This is going wrong.
“No, of course I don’t!”
“Then what the hell are you shouting about?”
And I don’t mean to be shouting. Don’t mean to be pushing us into arguing. I take the time to do a quick count to ten, a few breaths to calm the tumultuous feelings that are not at all her fault.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be shouting, I didn’t mean… I meant the slayer bond Faith. I don’t want to share that, I don’t want to share any of you.”
“Well why didn’t you just say that? Fuck, I thought you were getting all three’s up in the bedroom kinda thoughts…”
“No! Definitely not.”
She shakes her head, gives a bemused little laugh, and comes to sit back down again.
“I hadn’t really thought about sharing the bond B, the way I see it, what we have is special… throw in a thousand fucking slayers and you ain’t gonna change that. You should just relax some, quit worrying so much.”
Another Sensei candidate, all about the wisdom.
“I know, it’s crazy, I’m being silly and selfish…”
“A little jealous…”
“Am not!”
“Uh-huh.”
“Maybe a little bit…”
She hooks her finger into the neck of my training top, pulls me forward to her lips. “Haven’t you figured it out yet B? I’m crazy about you, I could never feel this for anyone else, could never look at anyone else and buzz like you make me buzz… you don’t need to be jealous, you’ve got all the bases covered.”
“I do?”
“You do.”
I smile when her lips touch mine. Kiss her back with just as much feeling.
“Pizza’s here!” We break apart to see Wills at the top of the stairs again, hand hovering somewhere over her eyes. “And don’t you guys EVER quit with that?”
Not if I can help it.
I flip myself up, offer her a hand up to standing. “Pizza, shower and then the slayer round up?”
“That’s it B, no more worrying. And definitely no sharing.”
She waggles her eyebrows at Willow with the last comment, putting me at total ease for the silly outburst of irrational jealousy. I know. Totally unfounded. Yet still, there’s that feeling. She’s calling it a buzz, I’m calling it unease.
Marching along with Andrew held between us had been no fun. His mouth not seeming to know how to keep quiet for more than a few seconds at a time, either pleading his case for forgiveness, or launching into full on lengthy explanations all about the space, time continuum, and whether Michael J Fox had lost any validity as an actor by starring in Teen Wolf. It was riveting stuff, doing nothing to distract my thoughts from slipping back towards the ‘cautious’. Yet doing everything to make my patience feel strained, and my ear drums feel fit to burst.
“Could you please just shut up! We don’t care about Michael J Fox, or the geeky thing about space, and your forgiveness is definitely looking more shaky by the second…”
“What did I do?”
“I think she wants you to just shut up Andrew, I’m backing her call.”
I had thanked her for the intervention, the saving of my sanity. Winced just a little as she had turned back to the boy and ordered that he point us in the right direction again. Still so eager to find her.
“Are you feeling anything now Buffy?”
“No.”
The same question, every damn minute. Or every five minutes. Why couldn’t everyone just shut up?
We had walked in circles for what seemed like hours, covering the same ground that we had covered the last three nights, Andrew offering nothing except the places where we already knew to look ourselves. It was feeling pointless, the idea of just turning around and heading home definitely ranking up there as one of my better ideas, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It seemed so important to Faith to find this girl, and even in my continual cautious state, I could still appreciate that there was maybe some small importance in finding her. Even if it was only to find out if she really was rogue, heading somewhere towards crazed and dangerous.
“This is some sort of joke right? This is the fourth fucking time that we’ve covered this ground!”
“It’s not a joke, she comes here a lot…”
I had looked around at the familiar surroundings, one of the bigger cemeteries, lots of crypts, lots of places to hide. Lots of places to see and not be seen. And I don’t know what it was, whether it was the caution reaching up to prod at my senses, if it was just my ears finally crumbling to all of Faith’s arguments, but something felt right. I felt something. Turning my attention away from the other two, to concentrate on everything else. The rustle of the breeze as it snuck through the treetops, the intricate way that the shadows found to change their shapes as the clouds rolled out across the sky. It felt like a storm coming.
Closing my eyes and feeling my heartbeat. Solid. Steady. Sure.
“B..?”
“Shhh, quiet Faith.”
Not bringing my head up to look at her, just focusing on the thump, thump, thump inside of my chest. Easy to picks up hers, almost the same rhythm, and Andrew’s… lightening fast, showing fear. I let them flood my senses like an orchestra, isolating each beat, familiarising each tone… until something, a prickling… my hairs raised upon my arms, across my neck…
“She’s here.”
I was sure of it.
“You what?”
“She’s here Faith, I can… feel her.”
I almost didn’t want to make the admission, wanted to run screaming from this moment, the absolute proof that my cosy twosome days were over.
“You’re shitting me B, you can feel her? For real?”
I had shushed her again, flicked my eyes to Andrew, the hurried way he was making glances in all of the bushes, searching out my prey. It had made me think ambush, had made me want to gain the control. Announce our arrival.
“Kennedy..? Are you there?”
Raising my voice just a little in the hush of the graveyard.
“You think she’s gonna come out, just because you called her?”
“If she hasn’t got a reason for hiding, then sure, why not?”
My logic had made perfect sense to me, my hands going around my mouth as I called her name a little louder. My eyes not stopping their vigorous scan of the many places that she could be hiding. Watching.
“It’s a no go B, maybe you were wrong, maybe you didn’t feel anything…”
“No Faith, I’m right. She’s here.”
And I did know it. It was like I had tuned myself into her, my pulse erratic, as if it didn’t know which rhythm it was meant to be following. Who’s beat it was marching to. It was disturbing, intrusive. I wanted to lay my eyes upon her, and fast, just so that I could stop with the trying to feel her.
I turned to Andrew, suggested that maybe he should give the girl a shout, after all, if she had hit him before, maybe she could be tempted to come out and hit him again.
“Uh… Kennedy? It’s me, erm Andrew. Not that you know my name, but it is Andrew…”
“Get on with it!”
“Right… so, we’re not here to hurt you…”
Hmmmm.
“…we just want to speak to you. These are the two other warriors that you asked about. This dark mysterious one is Faith, the tempestuous rebel…”
He had cast his arm out to encompass Faith, his voice dropping an octave or ten on his speech, booming it out as if he had to impress the audience.
“…and the short one, that’s Buffy.”
That was it?
“Just, ‘that’s Buffy?’, that’s all I’m getting?”
For a moment I had wondered if I had finally rendered him speechless, crossed my fingers and wished really hard for it.
“Uh… Buffy… she flips burgers.”
My instant rage had been muted by Faith’s instant laughter. Muted but not killed.
“This is ridiculous, she’s not coming out, she doesn’t want to show herself, I’m going home!”
“But B…”
“No, you can stand around and play ‘hunt the psychopath’, all night long if you want to, I just want to go home and then to bed. The council will be here in a few days, let them deal with her!”
I witnessed as the steel had slammed down. Her eyes retreating, her voice hardening.
“You always been this caring B?”
“I’m just saying…”
“I heard what you said. Loud and clear. And if you really think that I could leave her out here for the council to round up, then I guess you really don’t know me at all.”
“Faith…”
“No B, you go on home, me and Andrew have got this.”
“This is ridiculous.”
“Ain’t it just.”
She had turned her back to me and begun searching out the shadows for the girl. My words bonding them together already, facing a common enemy. And I didn’t want to be the enemy, I wanted to fight on her side.
“Can we please rewind for a moment here? I didn’t mean it Faith, I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Sounded to me like you wanted to leave her out here as council fodder, maybe they’ll send the same ones they sent after me, would that do ya?”
“No. I don’t want that.”
That made her turn right back to face me, eyes accusing me.
“Well what do you want?! You told me you don’t want another slayer, you don’t want to share ‘this’, maybe the council coming is exactly what you’re wanting!”
“And if that’s what you think, then apparently you don’t know me so well either.”
“‘Apparently’ not.”
It was like one of those Mexican standoffs I had heard about. I don’t think you have to be Mexican to have one, you just have to stand. And glare. Possibly snarl. We had all of that covered. The air crackling with the intensity of our stare. So much unsaid, so much screaming out in the silence.
I felt sick. I knew that I had caused this, but I just didn’t know how to make it better, how to retract my words, what I could say to possibly make her anger any less. I opted for taking a step forwards and softening my voice, apologising.
“I’m sorry Faith, I didn’t mean any of that how it came out. I’m just… tired. Of course I’m not keen to have the council involved…”
“Erm, guys?”
“Not now Andrew!”
I put enough force into my tone so that I didn’t have to turn and give him the big mean glare. My eyes I kept focused on her.
“…let me stay here and look with you, we’ll find her together.”
“Just go home B.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I said so.”
I didn’t understand. Sure it was stupid of me to say what I said, but I didn’t mean it. I had apologised.
“Guys…”
His whine was all that broke the silence, my eyes finally breaking to him, my mouth gasping its shock as I saw him held in a tight embrace. Tight around his neck, a cross bow held just off from his ear.
A small part of me wanted to turn to Faith and crow the words, ‘I told you so’. Here was our rogue slayer, and she was so obviously psycho. Superb.
As it was I held it back, knew that it wasn’t the right thing to say, offered something safer.
“You take her left, I’ll take her right.”
I had thought that it was safer.
“Jeez B, how about we try and talk to her first? Wacky plan, could work.”
“Right. Talk.”
I held my breath as she turned again, took a step forwards. A step towards them.
“Hey… Ken? Name’s Faith, now how about you let the boy go?”
“He’s not a boy, he’s a weasel.”
“Yeah, but he’s our weasel, I won’t let you hurt him.”
He whined again as the grasp was tightened around his neck, the cross bow moving in closer. “You’re not really in a good position to stop me.”
I had heard her rasped out words and stepped up beside Faith. The talking didn’t seem to be going so good, and I wanted to be prepared. My eyes training on her trigger finger, wondering at her aim.
“Look girl, I’m all for doing this the easy way, but if you wanna rumble, then I’m ready to cause you some hurt. It’s your call.”
“You think you can get near me before I fire?”
“Do you?”
“Doubtful.”
Faith loves a challenge.
It was the first thing I had thought, how Kennedy’s words sounded like the issuing of a challenge. I had soon snapped out of it though, my attention grabbed back by Faith’s words, her orders.
“B, you take it left, I’ll take it right. I guess we are gonna have to give the girl a little work out…”
My eyes drawing away from the trigger, just offering a smile to Faith. “Go on three?”
“Three.”
We had started our advancement together, just a short space to travel, a gamble that she wouldn’t fire. Everything happening so fast. For the first second she had looked scared, then she had looked resolute, and then she had thrust Andrew directly into my path, my vision scrambled, just hearing the thwack as the arrow had left the bow. And then the scream. I definitely heard the scream.
“Jesus fuck! That hurts!”
I threw Andrew from me, tore my eyes to Faith, her face like thunder, her right hand wrapped around the end of an arrow protruding from her left arm.
“Faith… are you okay?”
“Five by five B, I’ve got a god damn piece of wood sticking out of my arm, but other than that, I’m fucking perfect, you?”
Okay. Don’t ask after a pissed girlfriend’s health.
“All of you shut up or I’ll fire again!”
“I’m closer now, I’d kick your ass this time.”
“Faith…” I just wanted her to stop taunting, enraging the girl with the weapon.
“I warned you.”
I saw the crossbow coming up again, taking aim again. Saw it fire into empty space. Faith had already dropped and rolled, her true speed making an appearance at that moment, catching Kennedy completely off guard. Sending her tumbling to the floor.
“And I warned you.”
I didn’t know whether I should dive in and help, at least for just long enough to give Faith the time to pull the wood from her arm. I didn’t dive in though, I somehow knew that it was the wrong thing to do. That I wouldn’t be thanked. Stood to the side with Andrew instead, watching my girlfriend put the new girl through all of her paces. Playing with her. Toying with her.
“Wow… they look… wow…”
Kennedy just as beautiful as Andrew had said she was. Faith as beautiful as anything I had ever seen. Both of them fighting and grunting, screaming out their aggression. I hated to admit it, to agree with the boy, but wow.
I watched as long as I could stand it. Waited until Kennedy was on her ass for the tenth time, Faith looming over her, imploring her to stay down.
“I think you kicked her ass already, you could probably stop now.”
“Depends if she’s gonna stay down?”
I had moved in close again, looked to see the girl's answer, almost stepping back when I saw her tears.
“I won’t let you give me to the council! I don’t care what you do, but I won’t go back to the council!”
“Who the fuck said we were gonna give you to the council?”
“I won’t go with them!”
She was struggling underneath Faith’s foot, trying to work the leverage to throw her aside. To break free.
“Calm down!” And she removed her foot. Instead bending down with a hand, offering an up to the girl who just a moment ago had shot her. So sensible. “We’re not gonna give you to the council, we’re not gonna ‘give’ you to anyone… you’re one of us now sister, you’re a slayer.”
I held my breath as we waited on her reply. Noticing the slump of defeat reaching across her shoulders, her hand eventually sliding up to find a place in Faith’s.
“Okay, but if this is a trick, if you even try and turn me over, I’ll kill you all.”
“Uh-huh. Sure ya will.”
“I’m not messing, I’ll take you all on.”
“With your aim, and that girly punch, I’d keep it quiet for a few. We’ll talk when we get back to the house. Andrew, B? We ready to motor?”
Just like that.
Just like this.
Me walking with Andrew. Faith just ahead, walking with Kennedy.
And me still feeling cautious.
POV Buffy.
The night hadn’t gotten any better, in fact, in all honesty, the night had only gotten worse. It wasn’t that Faith was being particularly hostile towards me, we hadn’t shouted anymore, but there was a definite lacking of warmth. Of tingles. Just walking home behind her, and observing the rigid set of her shoulders, feeling the absence of smiles when we had arrived at the door. And the worst of it was knowing that it was all my own fault.
Stupid words brought about by stupid paranoia.
Full marks for my astounding intellect. Really. What better thing to suggest, than leaving Kennedy out there and alone, and at the mercy of the council? I didn’t mean it though, I remember what they are capable of, how much respect they have for a slayer. They spit in the faces of slayers. But once the words were out there, it was too late to retract them, to wrap them up and away in the recesses of the unwise brain. No. I spoke the words and now I am paying the consequences.
When we had first walked through the door, everyone had been caught between the caution and the excitement at the prospect of what we had returned with. A brand new hot chick with superpowers. Possibly rogue.
“Ah, I see you managed to find her.” Giles stepped up first, taking the lead, extending his hand out to her. “I’m Giles, Buffy’s watcher, and you must be Kennedy?”
“A watcher? You’re council?”
Not offering her hand back, just edging away from him, in towards Faith.
“Easy Ken, Giles is cool. I told you, we’re not gonna give you to the council, you need to relax, loosen up a little.”
She didn’t look as if she knew what loose was. Eyes darting around all of the new faces, feet creeping closer and closer to the door again. I couldn’t stop watching her, not speaking, just observing. Almost jumping when I had heard Willow’s whisper in my ear.
“She’s a bit of a hottie isn’t she?”
Not answering, still watching.
“So, is she roguish? Should I get the ropes ready for the bondage?”
I wasn’t sure. Not smiling at the bondage comment, just narrowing my eyes.
“She shot Faith.”
“What!” And she forgot whispering then. “She shot Faith? And she’s not already tied up why?”
It had broken up the little pow wow that was just starting to get going in the middle of the room, Faith’s hand sliding to her injured arm, her body moving one step closer to Kennedy.
“It was nothing Red, she was nervous, it doesn’t even hurt.”
It was nothing. Right. Forget the fact that she could’ve killed her, that she was trying to kill her, just put it down to nervousness. I had moved forwards to go with Faith when the witches led her from the room, insisting that they add some balm and bandages to the still open wound, but she had said no. Instructing me to stay with Kennedy instead, to make sure that she was okay.
She had looked okay. Still skittish, offering only one word answers to Giles’ rapid fire questions. But physically she looked fine. Beautiful. Whatever. I knew that I should say something myself, even if I only offered her a few words to beat back the hostility that had already seemed to be growing between us. But what words were there?
‘Hey bitch, you shot my girlfriend, and now I’m gonna kick your ass?’
It seemed a little too confrontational. But I didn’t have anything else. I wanted to know why she was here, I wanted to know why she had been following us, and I really wanted to know what her aversion to the council was, yet I couldn’t bring myself to speak. I just felt so cold, so rigid. Lacking every piece of warmth that I was missing from Faith, and still so cautious about what Kennedy coming here would mean to us.
When Faith had returned to the room she had dipped her eyebrows at me and offered a sad shake of the head. Perhaps sensing my lack of friendship whilst she had been gone, letting me know with one look just how disappointed she was.
“Hey Giles, I know you have a shit load of questions for the girl, we all do, but I think for tonight it’ll just be best if we all get some rest. We can do this in the morning right?”
I had been stupid enough to smile at her suggestion, not realising what it entailed, what it meant. To me it had meant bedtime. It had meant sanctuary in our room away from the bad times. It meant time to talk to her, to apologise again, to do whatever it took to repair the damage that my outburst of earlier had caused. It really didn’t mean that though. The smile quickly wiped from my lips as she carried on with her bright idea.
“I’m gonna take Ken back to mine, there’s not enough room for her here…”
“What?” I had found my words then. “You’re taking her back to yours? You’re not staying here?”
“Easy B, it makes the most sense. This place is full to the brim with bursting, where would you put her?”
“She could share the basement with Andrew.”
“I don’t think so, do you?”
It was a surreal moment. All that I wanted to do was to shout and scream and holler at the turn of events that I wasn’t at all enjoying. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was too weighted down with the knowledge that I wouldn’t be finding my sanctuary tonight. No whispered words of sorry, no touches better, no kisses to stave off the bad. My voice was lost in the same desolation as my thoughts, sounding empty.
“Where will she stay at yours?”
“She can take the bed, I’ll grab the sofa. It’ll be fine.”
Fine.
I tuned out on the rest of the words. Stuff about Angel, letting him watch over her. I didn’t care. I don’t care. All that I cared about was her walking from the door, tossing me an empty glance as she left, so unreadable. And now. This. Lying here in the bed, just wrapped up in my Boston checked duvet and sheets, and not wrapped up in Faith. I had wanted to call her back, wanted to go with her. Not about caution anymore, or petty jealousies, just about us.
I keep thinking back on the words, the thousand million things that I could’ve said better than the comment on the council. Anything would have been better. But no. I said it. So fucking stupid. So damn insensitive. It’s like trying to negotiate a mine field sometimes, remembering what can and can’t be said, without tripping over all of our locked up skeletons from the past. I never should have said it, but then she should have known that I never would have meant it.
Somehow I guess that it wouldn’t be me though, if it was anything like easy. It wouldn’t be me and Faith, if it was anything other than fiery.
I slip my gaze to the clock, the ticking hands that set the time at three am. How many hours, how many minutes till I can burst through her door and set things straight between us?
Too many.
I had explained my little outburst to Tara, I’d had to, she’s way too perceptive and she could feel the tension in the room just as easily as I could. Her head doing the same sad shake as I admitted that it was a lot more jealousy than caution I was feeling, that I just couldn’t help the sensation of displacement that the new girl had brought to me.
“But we talked about this Buffy, no one could ever displace you and Faith, you know that.”
And I did. But it didn’t stop the fear. The worry at her excited buzz.
I roll over now and wrap my arms tight around her pillow, trying to feel just one iota of warmth that she may have left behind. It’s all cold though, nothing more than the faint swirl of her scent rising up to tickle my senses.
I think I might scream.
My eyes are drawn to the telephone. Because I think could call her. Wake her up and explain again how I hadn’t meant anything by it, that it was a moment of madness. Nothing more. It seems like a sensible plan. My hand reaching out and grasping the receiver, my fingers shaking as I recall her number from memory. Slow presses. One digit at a time.
And dropping the receiver again.
I can’t just call her. It’s three o clock in the morning for a start, and on top of that, I want to speak to her face to face. I want to look in her eyes when the damage is repaired, want her to get just how far away I am from meaning what I had said earlier.
It’s tempting to get up and get dressed and just march over there. Plead my case through a locked door, hoping that she rises from the sofa before the neighbours call the cops. Or I could knock before I plead. She would know of course that it was me, and I can’t bear the thought of the rejection if she refuses me entry.
Damn it.
I hate being here and so unable to do anything to make the situation better, just laying here trapped in the misery that’s all of my own making. And so it becomes an easy decision to get up and to work out, to take out my frustrations all on my own body. That, at least, is something that I can do.
I pull myself from the bed with every intention of doing as many push ups as it takes to wear my body out to the point of sheer exhaustion, numbing everything until I can’t think anymore. Can’t feel anymore. I just want to sleep.
Starting vigorously, up and down. Arms flexing, shoulders burning. But still feeling, still hurting. Angry at myself for the unwise words, but a little bit angry at her too. She has to know that I didn’t mean it.
POV Faith.
“So what do you think big guy?”
“I don’t know Faith, she’s obviously scared, obviously exhausted. Did you manage to speak to her at all?”
“No more than you did. I don’t think she trusts us, and you’re right, I’m definitely getting that scared vibe.”
A whole lot of scared. Since the take down in the cemetery I’ve been sniffing her fear, catching the darty looks from the frantic eyes, seeing the tenseness with which she holds her shoulders so rigid and tight. I don’t know what the deal is, what the hell she’s so afraid of, but it’s obviously something to do with those good old English assholes. The high and mighty council.
“Did Giles manage to gain any more information from the council? Surely if they have her classified as rogue, she must have done something to warrant it.”
“Not a clue, I didn’t really hang out there when we got back, got my arm seen to, and split.”
“How is the arm?”
I give it a little flex, stretch it out and around. “All in working order, nothing more serious than a splinter.”
He accepts it as the truth, takes a moment to ponder on his thoughts.
“Do you think that she was really trying to hurt you?”
And now I ponder too.
The girl's a fucking slayer, and to my mind, if she wanted to hurt me, then I would be hurt. There’s plenty more dangerous places to shoot someone other than the arm.
“I dunno, I don’t think so. She was scared, me and B were rushing her, I reckon she just acted on instinct.”
“It is a possibility. We do have to remain cautious though, you know yourself how dangerous a rogue slayer can be.”
Don’t I just.
“You’re preaching to the converted Angel, I do know how dangerous, rogue can be, but I’m just not getting that vibe from her.”
Really I’m not. There’s no craziness lurking in the depths of her eyes, just fear. A whole lot of fucked up fear.
“What does Buffy say?”
“You what?”
“Buffy, what does she think?”
Oh. Now here’s a subject that I don’t wanna go delving into.
“I guess you’d have to ask Buffy about that, wouldn’t you?”
I catch the look, the little pause where his confusion sits. “Am I missing something?”
“Not really. We had a disagreement. No big.”
“You had a disagreement… can I ask what about?”
“You can ask whatever you want, doesn’t mean that you’ll get an answer. Fuck it, I don’t even know if I have the answers.”
What she had said to me earlier, it’s got me so damn pissed. That she could say that, that she could even think that… it’s too fucked up. She knows my history with the council, she’s got her own damn history with the council, and suggesting that we leave Kennedy to them, it’s just about as bad as suggesting that we throw her to a rabid pack of baying wolves.
“I take it that it has something to do with Kennedy?”
“And ain’t you just the perceptive one.”
“Faith?” He leans forwards in his chair, fixes me with that deeply intense look, the one that says no bullshit.
“Okay, okay… she said some stuff. Really fucking stupid stuff, it hurt.”
“What kinds of stuff?”
“All about leaving Kennedy to the council, letting them deal with her.”
He sits himself back again as I speak the words, a little surprise showing on his face. “She said that?”
“Damn right she said that! I couldn’t fucking believe it man, all the shit we’ve been through and she wants to cast off a slayer for the council to round up. It’s messed up, totally fucking messed up.”
I take it that his nod is agreeing with me. Setting me off on a roll, giving vent to lots of pissed off feelings.
“The whole way she’s been acting is messed up, all about not wanting to share the slayer bond. It’s like when I got here, the first time, all that… ‘this is my life, my calling, mine, mine, mine’… well it’s the same now Angel. I don’t know what the fuck her problem is, but that girl needs to learn how to share!”
“You stole her fries.”
You what?
I look up from the spot on the table that I had vented to, see the smile in his eyes, the way that it’s gracing his lips.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Buffy. When you first came, she told me. You pinched the food from her plate. There was me, barely back from hell, and all that she could worry about was the fact that this new slayer had stolen her fries.”
I can just about imagine it. Him laying there in agony and her whinging and whining about my forays onto her plate. The only thing that makes the image seem unreal is the memory of how well she had taken care of me when I had returned from hell. Nothing in her mind except making me better. Making me strong again.
“She’s a strange one B, I just don’t get what her problem is.”
“Did you ask her?”
Did I?
I think back over the training session, my cheeks heating as I get to the fun part, cooling down as I slide on by to the not so fun part. Misunderstandings. Caution. Jealousy.
“We spoke about it. She doesn’t want to share ‘this’.”
“This?”
Exactly!
“That’s what I said. I don’t know… the bond. Me and her?”
He looks about as confused as she had made me feel. “You and her?”
“Not like down and dirty shit, but the connection… you know, the slayer thing, she’s all freaked about sharing the buzz.”
“And you’re not?”
I feel my shoulders shrug without thinking, my brow furrowing as I try to work out exactly how I feel. “It’s not like that. What me and B have, it’s special, it’s more than fucking special. It’s like I said to her; you could create a thousand new slayers, and still we’d be special. We’re the chosen two Angel, always will be.”
I watch as he nods to my words, going into one of his moments of silent contemplation. And I know not to bug him, not to slow his flow, cos when he gets all pensive like this, it usually means that he’s gonna have an answer. Something worth hearing.
I rise from the table and snag myself a beer from the fridge. Angel isn’t too keen on keeping me stocked with the whiskey, but he’s pretty relenting over beer. Beer’s like soda pop to a slayer. It’s all in the constitution. I make my way silently to the back bedroom, sneak a little peek in at Cordy all sound asleep. The clock is flashing 3:20 on her little side table, making me realise just how late it is getting. How exhausted I feel. So weary.
Next I head to my room. To my own bed.
I just love the way that the moon slips through the window in here, keeping me company when the nights used to be long, charting the hours until the morning, till I was off duty again. Now it just lays pretty across her face, picking out her features, making her seem almost fragile in the half light. And I really want to know what her story is, what has been done to her that is so damn bad, that it has her running from god knows where, just to get to the here.
For me it had been something about sanctuary. For all my cocky phrases and bullshit stories, it had always been about finding refuge. Finding Buffy. I wonder if it is the same for her, whether she has heard the tales of the best slayer ever, and thought that she would be afforded some kind of safety here. Protection from the big bad world.
“Faith..?”
His voice is so soft, barely there. Calling me back towards the door, away from the position I had taken next to the bed. My hand so gentle in its movement, just brushing a flow of black hair away from her head. Trying to soothe her brow. I don‘t know if it‘s the slayer connection, if it’s just seeing someone so in need of help… but I do feel for her. Feel something for her.
It’s like with Dawn. All those months ago now, when she was broken, when she was needing. Helping the helpless. Angel has taught me well.
“I’m coming, I was just checking on her, making sure that she’s okay.”
“She’ll be fine, she’s here now, and whatever it is, whatever has her so scared, we’ll find a way to protect her. To look after her.”
“I wish B felt like that.”
“Maybe she does.”
“I told you what she said Angel, looking after the girl is not top of her agenda. Jeez, she wanted to put her in the basement with Andrew! How fucked up is that?”
I down the rest of my bottle as we make our way back to the table, grabbing another before I sit myself down.
“Buffy’s different to you Faith, you can’t always judge people by who you are, what you do. You have to accept the differences.”
Right. Here we go then. The outcome of the pensive five minutes. Prepare for incoming wisdom.
“You wanna break that down for me big guy?”
“You’ve always been more self assured then her, even with your defences and your impenetrable walls, you’ve still always had the ability to roll with the punches. To pick yourself up and keep on smiling.”
I think back to my night of falling to pieces. My tears in the rain.
“Yeah, sure thing. Begging for death was all about the fun times Angel.”
There’s no shame in admitting that he’s lost me. He does it a lot, but he always takes the time to go back, to make it clearer for me.
“You bounced right back though Faith. You were trapped, you had no out, you believed that death WAS the only out. It took me barely a few minutes to sway your options though. You rolled with them. Took the punches and dusted yourself off again.”
I guess. Maybe. Not sure what the fuck that has to do with anything.
“Is there a point to that?”
He smiles and shakes his head. Pretends at sighing out some of the air that his lungs just don’t need. “You know the deal Faith, there’s always a point.”
Words I’ve heard a thousand times before from him, words that I have come to accept.
“You gonna elaborate, or do I have to play connect the dots?”
“Which would you prefer?”
I ponder over the last few minutes. Not a step clearer on what the underlying meaning is going to be.
“Nope, you’ve lost me, gonna have to lay it all out.”
“Buffy has never been so self assured, she’s worked the power because it was given to her, she’s been the slayer because it was demanded of her, she never would have wanted it otherwise Faith, she wouldn’t have wanted this life.”
“Who would’ve?”
But I know I would’ve. For all the moans about the calling, the shit situations that I’ve found myself in, I fucking love this job. I love the power. I kinda love saving the world.
“You would’ve. Maybe that’s where your security in the bond comes from. You can separate yourself from the slayer, because you appreciate that the slayer side is separate. It’s like a job, it’s what you do, not who you are…”
Obviously.
“…for Buffy it has always been her burden, her entrapment. Something that she is forced to endure.”
I know that he is right, but it still doesn’t make the sense.
“You’re right, but so what? B always had the hard done by thing working for her, a nice slice of piety to make herself a martyr. I don’t see what the fuck that has got to do with this though?”
“You changed her. You’ve made it different. Think about it Faith, since you and her have been together… is there so much sadness in her eyes? Is the burden still breaking her back?”
Think about it.
No.
Her eyes smile for me. Her back doesn’t break. We share the burden, it isn’t a burden. It’s ours.
Oh.
He must see something in my eyes now, because when I fly my glance back to him, he breaks out a smile. A lop sided grin. A knowing nod.
“This is nothing to do with Kennedy, Faith. This is about you and her. This is about her security, her own doubts, it’s about fearing that everything she has found in you, will be lost again, just like that.”
“But I love her. She knows that I love her.”
“I don’t doubt that she does, the same as I don’t doubt her love for you… but love doesn’t stop people leaving, love doesn’t stop hearts from breaking.”
I hear the experience in his tone, the sound of his own heart breaking.
“I would die before I left her. She’s everything to me.”
Making his head move slowly up and down, another wasted sigh blown out into the night. And I don’t mean to make him feel bad, but I could never just leave her like he had done. Maybe he is a better ‘man’ than me, because even if it was for the best, I could never drag myself away from her side.
“The chosen two, right?”
“No, more than that. Strip away the slayer and I wouldn’t leave her side, strip away anything and I wouldn’t leave her side. I ain’t never had anything as special as her Angel. Fuck the calling, she IS my calling.”
Jesus. I’m like Shakespeare on crack. All about the dramatic romantic expressions.
“Nicely put.”
“Thanks, I’m working on a screen play.”
I swig long and hard at my beer, cover the shades of embarrassment from my tiny little outburst.
“Maybe you should be working on Buffy?”
Sounds exciting.
“You making suggestions big guy? A bit of vicarious loving?”
“You know exactly what I mean, imagine what it is that she is feeling right now, imagine her doubts, her fears… take all of it and pretend at being her. Just for a moment, just for a minute.”
Pretend at being her?
Where the hell do I start?
“Start with the feeling Faith, with the slayer.”
Did I even speak out loud?
He is just staring intently at me again. So I begin.
The feeling. The slayer. I can’t imagine not loving it, not embracing the power and hollering it out from every roof top. I can’t imagine being shackled by it, kept as its prisoner.
“I can’t do it Angel, I can’t imagine it any other way than what I know.”
“Precisely.”
“Precisely? Precisely fucking what?”
“I doubt that she can either.”
It’s like the cryptic part on all those stupid crosswords. Just say what ya mean. So much simpler.
“She can’t either, which means…”
“It means that it doesn’t matter how much you love her, how much you tell her that slaying isn’t the connection that binds you… if that is what she thinks, what she believes, then that is where she is stuck.”
I take a moment to try and digest what he is saying. A moment to look back at the last couple of days. The nights spent hunting the new slayer, my excitement at finding a new slayer, my absolutely buzz at finding a new slayer…
“I guess she’s feeling pretty crappy.”
“And I guess that you’re probably right.”
“She was still stupid to say what she said.”
“I’m not arguing with you, but we all say things in heated moments Faith. It’s better to judge people for the good that they do, rather than the mistakes that they make. Words are just words.”
Right.
“What time is it?”
He turns to look out the window, the changing colours of a fading night sky. The dropping of the moon.
“Coming up to four.”
I gesture back towards the bedrooms. “Will you, if I…”
“Of course I will.”
I don’t finish the bottle of beer. I don’t need it. What I do need to do is see a girl. My girl. It seems she has some fears that I need to put to rest.
I stand outside of her house and wonder about knocking. I don’t need to knock, I have a key… but it just feels like I shouldn’t use it. That I shouldn’t assume that I can enter without an invitation, not after I had left in the way that I did.
It’s a dilemma. I don’t want to knock. Don’t want to call attention from the rest of the house, I just want to see her. I need to see her.
I take a slow walk around the perimeter, pondering more on Angel’s words, wondering at a way that I can make her see that the slayer side of things has got nothing to do with anything that I feel for her. Not really. Not at the base of things. Sure it always gave me a buzz to think of us as the chosen two, the special two, but that was more when things were fucked up, taking my pleasure in knowing that she was bound to me that way, that no matter how much she hated it, she could never be free of me.
Since being here again though, the slayer stuff means shit. As much as I love it, as much as I crave the feeling of the power coursing through my veins, I crave her happiness so much more. I crave us so much more. The chosen two because we have chosen each other, not because the PTB deigned it that way.
I look up at her window and wonder if she is wrapped up in the Boston checks she had squealed so joyously about in the linen shop. If she’s missing me like I miss her. If she feels the emptiness of the argument in the same way that I do. And I make a decision.
The only way is up. Her window is easy to climb to.
My feet hit the same grooves that they have hit a thousand times before, my body remembering the way to go, my hands moving without thinking. It takes seconds, barely seconds, and then I am there. Here. Not sure if I should tap, if I should pound, if I should just throw myself through the glass and pray for a happy landing.
The window lifting kinda saves me from making a choice. Her face appearing as if by magic, her brow all furrowed, her skin all aglow with a thin sheen of sweat.
“Faith?”
“In the flesh girlfriend, you gonna let me in?”
I see the confusion at my words, probably wondering what caused the upbeat tempo, if she’s dreaming. Maybe hallucinating.
“What are you… why are you..?”
And she’s getting philosophical.
“Carbon based life form, as for why am I? Your guess is as good as mine.”
Her mouth moving into a smile, even if her eyes aren’t following. No. Her eyes are locking tight into mine.
“Funny girl. What are you doing here?”
This would be so much fucking easier if she would let me into the room, rather than making me balance precariously on the discomfort of her window ledge.
“Can I come in first, explanations after?”
She lifts the window higher, takes a step back to let me pass. Not sure what to do when I get to the floor, whether it’s ok to take her in my arms, whether I should speak first and make with the comfort later. I let my eyes slip back to hers, try and put every feeling, every connection, into the strength of my gaze.
“I love you Buffy.”
Still the most important words I have ever spoken.
“That’s why you’re here?”
She looks a little confused, a little misplaced, maybe perhaps still wondering at the hallucination side of things. And I guess that it is a little strange after the way we had left things.
“Is there a better reason?”
“No… but, with the fighting, and the me, and the mouth, and the saying of things that shouldn’t have been said…”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s okay?”
“Sure it is.”
“Sure it is?”
I know that I’m smiling, I know that I’m shaking my head. I also know that I could explain it so much better, but I like this, I like her little confused face. Scratch that. I love her little confused face.
“Are you gonna repeat everything I say B, cos if that’s the plan, I’m gonna be hitting some pretty far out phrases.”
“Am I dreaming? Did I wake up somewhere other than the real world?”
See? I knew she figured on the hallucinating.
“What makes you think that?”
“You. Here. A definite absence of shouting, not a sign of pissed or angry.” She moves just a step closer to me, creeping almost, scared to break the vision. “That’s it isn’t it? I fell asleep whilst doing the push ups, and now I’m living the dream.”
“Push ups? It’s four in the morning, you always do your work outs at four in the morning?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
I hear all of the unspoken words behind her small admission. Know all of the reasons that she couldn’t find rest.
“I’m sorry B.”
“‘You’re’ sorry? Okay, forget the dream, now I know I’m in some parallel universe where it was you who spent the night acting like a class A dope.”
“Nope, we’re right here, right where we’re supposed to be.”
“Then you have no reason to be apologising to me, I know how stupid I was, I know how wrong it was of me to say what I said… but you have to believe me Faith, I never meant it, I didn’t think it. I didn’t think period.”
Now it’s me that’s moving a step closer, my hand raising to tuck a stray hair behind her ear, sliding slowly back down across her jaw. “I believe you.”
“You do?”
“Of course I do, I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you earlier, that I left you…”
“No, you were right, Kennedy needed somewhere to sleep, and down in the basement with Andrew is definitely not the place.” Her hand reaches up and takes mine, brings it down from her jaw to rest softly in hers. “Although, maybe if we were lucky she might have finished him off. It’d certainly save the worry about what we’re going to do with him.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you worry too much?”
She laughs a little at that, nods her head in agreement. “A few people, maybe, but it’s kind of what I do. It comes with the job I guess.”
Ah. The job.
“Can we sit down?”
I motion towards the bed, can’t help but smile as I notice my pillow laying across her space, certain in the knowledge that she had been trying to hold me close.
“We can sit.”
I let her lead the way, her hand still in mine, pulling me over to her side, moving my pillow to make the room to rest. And it feels fucking strange sitting here now, not mattering that I have been here so many nights previous, just mattering that I’m not quite sure of the words to say, not finding any of the surety that Angel had found when he had spoken his wisdom to me.
“Look B… I uh, I wanted to explain something to you.”
“If it’s anything to do with Andrew’s space time thingy, then I really don’t need to know.”
“Now who’s being funny?”
“You thought that was funny? I was being dead serious.”
I shake my head silently, pretend to sigh at one of the things I love the most about her. This ability to always find a funny. “No B, I’m the one being serious, just for a minute, okay?”
She doesn’t answer, she just smiles, lets me continue.
“About all this slayer stuff, this connection stuff… I think that I get where you were coming from now. I get the ‘this’ thing, and I get why you’ve been acting so…”
“Strange?”
“Cautious.”
“Oh, yeah, the caution.”
“I spoke to Angel, and he was saying…” Trying to remember, to make it make sense. “…look, with me right, the slaying thing, I love it… I mean I fucking love it, it’s awesome B, so fucking cool. When it’s me out there, and I’m facing down some scum of the earth demon, it’s the biggest rush ever…”
“Okay, I’m getting you love the slaying.” She rolls her eyes at me. “But then I kinda already knew that, you’ve always loved the calling.”
“Exactly!”
“And ‘okay’ again.”
“No, that’s not the point, the point is you don’t like the slaying so much, you’re all burdened down by it, seeing the negatives…”
“There are lots of negatives.”
“And then I come along with this whole burden sharing connection, and you end up thinking that the shared slaying is what the connection is all about.”
I can see her trying to understand my words, to work out what it is that they are supposed to be explaining.
“The slayer connection is what brought us together Faith, not just sharing a burden, but understanding the isolation… understanding how it feels to be different, to be alone.”
“But you’re wrong.”
“I am?”
“Yeah, you really are. I didn’t get it till Angel explained it to me, but you’re looking at it all wrong. How you see slaying isn’t how I see slaying, to me, this whole thing that we have, the ‘this’ that we have… it’s fuck all to do with the PTB and their rules of destiny.”
“But it began with the slayer bond…”
“No it didn’t, not really, it began the moment I laid eyes on you, the first time I saw your smile, the first time I heard you laugh. I’m not gonna lie to ya B, I’m not gonna say that watching you fight didn’t used to get me all sorts of worked up and horny… but it’s not the reason I fell in love with you, and it’s not the reason that you fell in love with me.”
She’s smiling again now. Making me fall in love again.
“I understand why you felt threatened by Kennedy, that you thought she could replace you, that I would feel for her what I feel for you, but I could never do that, not even close.”
“But the buzz…”
“Yeah I know, I was buzzing, I was so damn excited to meet another slayer, but not for the same reasons that you were scared of meeting her. It’s different B, we’re different. Slaying’s a job to me and meeting Ken, well it’s like meeting a new work mate, I might fucking love it, but it’s still just a job.”
Her sigh lifts up between her lips, breaking the smile. “I wish that I could feel that way, that slaying was something other than who I am…”
“You can feel like that, I’ll teach you, we’ll do it together. It’s like I always said, you gotta find the fun.”
“Right. Fun times.”
“Damn right fun times!” I knock her with my shoulder, urge her to curve her lips up again. “And don’t ever forget girlfriend, there ain’t never gonna be a buzz for me like the Buffy buzz. It’s nothing to do with slaying, it’s everything to do with you.”
She nods her head slowly, accepting my words. “And there’s no buzz for me like the Faith buzz.”
“We can buzz together.”
I give her the eyebrows, give her the grin, prepared to give her anything at all that she ever needs.
“I am sorry I was an idiot Faith, my mouth just disengages sometimes, you do know I never meant it, right?”
And she just needs my comfort.
I slide my arm around her and bring her close into me, kiss the top of her head. “Of course I know, I got pissed too quick, that happens sometimes too. Mark it down as one of those bad habits.”
“I like your good habits much better.”
“You do? I have good habits?”
“You have heaps of them, heaps on heaps.”
She turns her face up to me now, making me fall inside of her eyes, her lips hovering so close to mine, so tempting to kiss. “Would kissing you be a good habit?”
“It’d be a damn good start.”
And so I do. Or she does. I don’t know who moves that last breadth of distance to bring our lips close until they’re touching, but I do know that it feels fucking fantastic. Her hands sliding up into my hair, her tongue tasting sweet in my mouth. And it would be so easy to get carried away, to lose sight of everything else. But I can’t, I mustn’t. Not yet.
She sighs as I pull away, leans forward again to place a final kiss against my lips.
“You have to go right?”
“Yeah, I do… I’m sorry, but I have to get back there.”
Her shoulders slump, but she doesn’t not smile at me. “I get that, it kinda sucks, I don’t want you to go, but I get it. You should be there for her. God knows someone should be.”
I want to be here for her. I hate leaving.
“Hey B, why don’t you come with?”
“Me? Now?”
“Yes you, and of course now… why not? Maybe we can get to the bottom of things, slayers to slayer, Angel’s there and Cordy, but the girl might freak if she figures that Angel is all vamped up.”
“But what about the others?”
“Leave them a note, they’ll be fine.”
She looks as if she is considering it, weighing it up in her head. So I go in for the kill, let myself be the one to slide hands into hair, to pull her close to me as I claim her in a kiss, all hot, all tongues, all a promise of what’s to come.
“Please B, for me?”
And I have her.
“Okay, I’ll just throw some clothes on, give me a minute?”
I’d give her my life.
“Sure thing girlfriend, I’ll just watch the show.”
And I do. The hardest thing in the world to restrain myself as she peels off her sleep clothes and replaces them with her day clothes. Just revelling in the buzz that is all about her, and nothing at all to do with anything, or anyone else. My Buffy buzz.
POV Faith.
By the time we had arrived back at mine, the sun was already shifting its way up to the sky, the last of the stars twinkling out, the last of the beasties put to bed. It made it a more enjoyable walk, no need to be checking our backs for signs of anything dumb enough to wanna be sampling a taste, just an easy stroll through town until we arrived at my door. Standing as a team again, the momentary fuck up, in our long list of fuck ups, had been put to rest, and Buffy’s hand sat as comfortably in my hand as it ever had done. Her thumb stroking gently against my palm whilst I stood and looked for my key.
It was nice. It was the kind of moment that ya just wanna step back and take a breath on. Complete calm, complete silence. No words needed to be filling a void, because there wasn’t a void, it was just easy. I think I’d ended up doing a good impression of a goofy sized grin, because when I’d turned to her with key in hand, she was pulling a fairly big goofy sized grin of her own.
“Whatcha smiling for?”
Knowing that it was for me, a return for my smile, but still having to ask. Wanting to ask. Passing the moment of perfect silence, and ready again for the thrill of swapping words with her.
“You were smiling, it’s all contagious.”
“I like it.” I paused before I turned back to the door, lent forwards to drop a sweet little kiss to her lips, inviting her smile to stay. “What do ya say we try and get through the whole day without losing any of the smiles?”
“I’m game if you are, I could handle some of the trouble free.”
Her voice had sounded airy and light, caressing my ears, making them happy. I knew that we weren’t directly talking about us, that we were striving for ‘trouble free’ on a much more general scale, but it did relate directly to us too. Like there was some kind of curse that meant we couldn’t get through a few hours at a time until we needed to get down with the serious and have a soul searching deep and meaningful. I wasn’t complaining, I may be the last in the queue for the caring and sharing foundation, but the intimacy I was finding in opening up with B, was unlike anything I have ever felt before. At the same time though, I wanted a break from it as well. From the exhaustion of needing reassurances, or of offering reassurances. Just a few hours where the smiles stayed put all by themselves.
I had known at that exact moment when I was thinking it, that it was like some kind of fucked up unattainable dream. That even if me and B could keep our ever ready emotions under check, then something else would be waiting in the wings to mess up an otherwise beautiful day. Today was a beautiful day. The sun rising just as I said it had, the walk refreshing, the company perfect. But then there was a story waiting in the wings to be told. A story that would anger me like no other, would have every dark emotion wanting to rise up and scream out in fury. It was a bad story for B too. I guess you could say it was a bad story for slayers all round, a fucked up story.
The girl had had a damn good reason to run.
“You’re back, I didn’t expect you back so soon.”
“I was scared she’d wake up, I wanted to be here for it…” I stepped through the door, B following close behind. “…has she woken up?”
Angel shook his head as he answered, “Not stirred once. Cordy’s in the shower, do you want coffee?”
“No, I’m good.”
“Buffy?”
“Sure, why not? Nothing tops a sleepless night like endless cups of coffee. Make mine a large.”
He’d set off for the cupboard, and we’d set ourselves around the table. It was a strange threesome that we made, each of us bound securely together in one way or another, but yet there had never been a point in time where we had bonded together as a group. The only history we shared communally, being my maddened months of disordered personality. It kinda made it awkward where it shouldn’t be, no safe history to make small talk with, no moments to laugh at and say, remember when? I know I wasn’t the only one glad when Cordy had made her appearance, freshly dressed and looking as though she’d just stepped from the beauty salon.
“We’re all up bright and early today, did I miss something? Are the sales on?”
“I thought the sales were for the common folk Cor, you slipping on your status?”
I’d winked in reply to her sassy grin, followed her form over to the coffee machine, and chalked one up to me. It wasn’t often that she didn’t slice me in two with a quick comeback and it was hard not to be pleased with my momentary victory. After all, I may be the one packing the serious strength, but when it came to the verbal sparring, more often than not, it was her who wore the slayer crown.
“So why ‘are’ we all up so early, it’s not another apocalypse is it, because I’m booked in for a manicure at ten, and there’s no way that my nails are missing their appointment.”
“Cool it princess, no end of the world stuff, just slayer stuff.” She sipped at her mug and took a seat amongst us, in between me and Angel, her eyebrows raising on my comment.
“Slayer stuff?”
“Uh-huh. We found her Cordy, we found Kennedy.”
“Oh, you did? Is she…”
She flapped her hands about her head in a vague gesture of crazy.
“Is she… a fan of the ‘vogue’?”
“You know what I mean, is she crazy?”
I’d let my eyes fall on B, conferred with her in silence on how we were classifying our new girl. Was she crazy? Crazily scared.
“We haven’t spoken to her yet, but I’m betting on ‘no’, I don’t think so.”
“I’m not crazy.”
Her flat tones had called all of our attention over to the doorway. She was stood there before us, managing to look both tall and small at the same time, her posture daring us to argue with her words, yet the look in her eyes not hard enough to threaten anything at all. Still looking wary, her gaze flitting fast over everyone at the table.
“Ken, you’re awake.”
“Yeah, and you’re so obviously observant.”
“Oh wow, it’s a brat with super powers…” Cordy had been quick to introduce herself, ever the charmer. “…did they let you out of kindergarten specially?”
Maybe without the charm.
It had been quite funny to watch Kennedy’s face at the words though, the way her mouth had done the rapid open, shut manoeuvre. Her eyes flitting even more rapidly between us as she wondered at who this was.
“Kennedy, meet Cordy. If I was you, I wouldn’t mess with her, just smile graciously and admit defeat… it’s easier in the long run. Less painful.”
“Who is she?”
“Did you not hear? I’m Cordy, pleased to meet you. Want coffee?”
“I mean ‘what’ are you? Are you council?”
I was getting the impression that the council really weren’t very high on her list of friends, maybe somewhere close to the bottom, maybe lower. The question had brought laughter to Cordy though, made all of us chuckle a little at the absurdity of her inquiry.
“Believe me no, I am not, and never shall be a member of the council. I think you have to be British anyway, it’s like a rule or something. Giles would know.”
“You don’t have to be British.” She’d walked a little further into the room with her words, perhaps tempted by the coffee, her eyes fixing on the mugs on the table. “There’s lots of non British ones. They’re everywhere. Like vermin.”
“Right… about that coffee?”
“Sure. Coffee, three sugars.”
“Faith, would you mind?”
I’d known that she wasn’t offering to make the coffee, just asking and delegating. The Cordelia method of everything. It was impressive. And it worked. I’d gotten up and made a pot, brought the lot to the table along with fresh mugs. Somehow I’d had the feeling that we would be needing top ups, and I didn’t want to be moving every minute, playing housemaid.
Kennedy had still seemed unsure about whether to join us, edging closer but not happy to be taking a seat. In the end settling for grabbing her mug and going back to the doorframe, resting herself up against the wall. Keeping her distance.
“Ken, come on, you can chill with us, we want to help you…”
Again she had seemed so small. As if the only thing that she could ever want in this world, was for somebody to help her. Her mouth going to speak, and then catching herself, bringing her lips up to the mug and gulping furiously instead. I didn’t know what else to say, how else to try and calm her.
“Maybe if you told us what happened… we could…”
“When are the council coming?”
Cutting me off. And I didn’t have an answer. I knew that they were coming, but I hadn’t been paying attention to the specifics. I planned on being well under the radar by the time that they showed up, not one single part of me wanting to swap stares with those twisted fuckers. I had turned to Buffy, repeated the question with my eyes.
“I’m not sure. Giles said end of the week, today’s Thursday. Whenever it is, it’s bound to be soon…”
“I have to go.”
Her words had brought about a flurry of activity, four voices insisting that she had to stay, that we could help her, if only she would tell us what it was, what was wrong. And her voice insisting that she really had to go, couldn’t be here when they got here, they wouldn’t get their hands on her again. I was half tempted to clock her one, just to get the time to try and make her listen, my fists clenching at my sides the longer that she shook her head on all of our pleas.
“You can’t keep running forever Kennedy…”
Until finally Angel broke through. I should have guessed that it would be his calm and measured tones that finally managed to bring her eyes to a crashing stand still, centring on him as he spoke the truth.
“…whatever it is, no matter where you go, you won’t ever outrun it. We can help you to face it. We’re here for you now.”
It was the company line, but it was more than that. All of us nodding along to the solemn promise within his words. And it did make her stop and listen, yet it still didn’t make her accept what he was saying, her own words guarded with caution as she pierced him with her gaze.
“How do I know I can trust you?”
Such a simple question, and one that he couldn’t answer.
“The same way that we know we can trust you…” I had never in a million years expected Buffy to be the one that offered the ultimate olive branch out to Ken, but it had been her. Calling on the connection that she had spent the last few days trying so hard to deny. “…you’re one of us now Kennedy, surely you can feel it… the silent hum?”
She nodded her head slowly. Unsurely.
“That’s the bond, that’s our bond. The slayer bond. You can trust in it.”
I had wanted to jump B just a little right then, smother her body in kisses. But as it was, we just made room at the table as Kennedy made her tentative way forwards, still not looking comfortable, but at least she was taking the chance. The scraping of her chair against the tiled floor, drawing all of our eyes to her, making me release the long breath that I had been holding.
“So what’s the deal then slay girl? Why the big beef with the council?”
I’d just tossed it out, eager to know, to hear what the badness was. Nothing preparing me for her answer, for the pain that flashed so raw across her eyes, scarring her face. Her gaze dropping to the table, her fingers fussing about her nails. Torn nails.
“I was only eight when they came for me.”
“What..? Came for you? Who?”
“The mighty council. I was just turned eight, I lived with my family in Mexico, four sisters, three brothers… we had no idea who they were, what they were. They just rolled up one day outside of our home in their big flashy cars, nice cut suits. They spoke to my father… they told him that they could offer me so much more for life, that they could provide me with opportunity, that they could make me someone…” She still hadn’t raised her eyes back up, but right then, in that moment, she did, maybe trying to force home exactly what it was that she was about to say. “…and then they bought me. They paid my father for me with their shiny English pounds.”
“You are fucking kidding me!?”
“They BOUGHT you? Is that even legal?”
Me and Cordy had taken care of the shocked surprise, whilst B and Angel sat back silently shaking their heads. As for Kennedy, her head was only nodding, her eyes sad, confirming the first part in her fucked up twisted tale.
“It wasn’t so bad at first, I didn’t know why they wanted me, and the lifestyle was certainly different than what I was used to at home. I missed my family so bad, I didn’t understand why they had sent me away, I didn’t understand the value of money to a poor peasant family. I just tried to treat it like it was an adventure, They were kind to me, I got to mess around with all the weapons and shit…”
“I don’t understand though…” B had lent right forwards onto the table, pinning Kennedy down with her eyes. “…what on earth did the council want with an eight year old girl? Why would they… ‘buy’ you, it doesn’t make sense.”
“Tell me about it. I didn’t find out myself for years. They just told me that I was special, that I was to be a warrior, I would work with them to stem the bad…”
“When you were eight?”
“Right. When I was eight.”
I had known where Buffy’s confusion lay, mine was pretty much sitting in the same place, wondering how the fuck the council could have known what she was… how they could predict what she was going to be. It brought silence for a moment, bewildered glances being exchanged across the table top.
I’d had to ask, to query. “But how the fuck did they know? I don’t get…”
“Shaman.”
“Sha-who?”
“They had shaman, I don’t know… like wizards or something, they were trying to find all of the girls… they called them, they called ‘us’, the potentials…”
It was going from bad to worse. My already fuzzy head getting fuzzier by the minute. I listened to her reel off a list of names, a list of girls, others like her.
“So you’re telling me that not only did they nip into Mexico and pick up some tacos with a side order of eight year old, but they’ve been pulling that crap all over the world, unchecked, and for years?”
Her head was nodding again, confirming again. “What, you don’t believe me?”
How the fuck did I know?
I was saved from answering by the soft tones of Angel. Sitting back and just listening, finally forming a question. A valid question, one which hadn’t surfaced for me yet. I was still stuck on the disbelief of the council ripping girls from their homes, from their families.
“But what about Buffy and Faith, if the council really were doing this… then why not them, surely they were ’potentials’ too?”
And she’d answered him with a laugh. Seriously. The first time I had heard the sound from her mouth, and not at all when I’d been expecting it. Bringing about more uncertainty, maybe making me question her sanity after all.
“Well that was the beauty of it really. All those idiots in tweed, trying so hard to isolate the slayer line, and they just couldn’t get a fix on it… not a trace. They had their gang of potentials, but every time a new slayer was called, it was never one of us, it was never one of theirs…”
“Isolate the slayer line? What the fuck does that mean?”
I was fading fast. Nothing was making sense to me. My words had come out gruffer than I had intended, my confusion making me lose calm. And it had made her lose the laughter, lose the smiles. She had cast her eyes to me and then to Buffy, so slow, so cautious, her hands starting to fidget again on the table in front of her, the words no longer falling so freely from her lips.
“They wanted to stop the mistakes. They wanted to take back control.”
“Mistakes? What mistakes?”
Cordy asked, but I could’ve guess. I looked up at B and saw that she could guess too, imagining that we were just the kind of things that she was referring to, the mistakes that were missed. The look that Kennedy offered to us, had only confirmed it for me, the shady glance, the tapping toes.
“Don’t sweat it Ken, just spit it out. Me and B can take it, we’re big girls now.”
“Right. For years apparently they had been losing the power that they held over the slayers… maybe it was changing times, female empowerment, I don’t know. But whatever it was they didn’t like it. That’s why they started rounding up us girls, they wanted to get them young, make it so that they owned them, controlled them. I guess they figured that when one of us was called, it would be easy to take charge…” I had seen her eyebrows raise, recognised what she thought about being controlled. “…and it only got worse as the years went on. I met girls older than me, girls that were tossed aside once they got too old to be called, times when we would sit and just fucking pray for the slayer to be killed so that one of us might get the call and make it better for everyone else… but it never happened.”
She looked up at Buffy then. Offered a shy smile, a timid smile.
“You know, I remember when you were called, I was only eleven, still too young myself… but I remember their anger. They were so damn enraged, all of their plans going wrong again…”
“They were… angry?”
“Yeah, you weren’t one of us, they hadn’t known about you…”
“But they were angry?”
I could see B getting angry herself. My eyes expecting to see the steam from the ears at any moment, watching her mentally count every single time that she had given something up to answer the calling. I reached my hand across the table to lay across hers, to calm her, because her anger was nothing compared to what I was growing deep inside, and I wanted to hear the rest… I wanted to hear it all.
“They got angrier. When you died and another was called and it still wasn’t one of us, then they were really pissed, they changed the regime. No more fancy smancy houses by the ocean for us… it was off to England, all of us kept together, training 24/7, no respite. They thought that we weren’t good enough, that we weren’t training hard enough, that it was our fault that we weren’t being picked, chosen.”
“But surely even the British aren’t dumb enough to forget that it’s the Powers That Be that determine selection?”
She looked at Cordy and shrugged her shoulders, silently insisting that maybe the British were just dumb. I wasn’t gonna argue.
“I don’t know what happened when you were called…” Her eyes meeting mine. “…but it made them even madder still. We heard the tales of ‘slayer gone bad’, then we heard that the original had turned her back on the council… it wasn’t fun times. A few of us had banded together to try and break free… we were tough, not slayer tough, and we were mostly still young, but we could sure hold our own…”
“What happened?”
“They locked us in a house full of demons and showed us again who was in charge. Seven of us made it out. We didn’t run again.”
“Holy fuck!” I know that my head had been shaking, I know that I wanted to hit something. “They locked you in a house full of demons?”
Her gaze had slunk back to the table, no more meeting eyes. Perhaps consumed by the horror that she had witnessed, still consumed by the fear of her memories. It was Buffy who had spoken up then, who had added her own example of houses with demons in;
“It happens Faith, believe me it happens. Did I ever fill you in on my eighteenth birthday bash?”
I had tried to remember. I remembered skipping from town when the day was fast approaching, not wanting to be here and overlooked again, not wanting to be reminded how much a part of her life that I wasn’t. But as for what I had missed, that was lot more sketchy, needing her to remind me again of how the council celebrates the coming of age of a slayer.
All of it was bullshit. All of it had me feeling so sick.
“They dismissed the shaman then, stepped up our training even more… there was a new force that they were using, something dark, something tainted. They took our blood and said that mistakes wouldn’t be happening anymore…” She looked directly at me again. “…they had plans to kill you.”
“Tried it twice, I didn’t much care for it.”
“No, not then… after. Last year. I remember hearing when you got out, it sent waves through the prison that we lived in. They called it a house, a home, but really it was a prison. I don’t know who started it, but your name was beginning to be whispered amongst us potentials that were left. You were everything that the council hated, and so you became everything that we worshipped. We weren’t praying for the slayer to die anymore, we were praying for the slayer to come… to free us all… to take down the council.”
“But I didn’t know…”
“Neither did we. We didn’t believe it either, but we had to believe in something.”
I was so fucking confused. Finding out I was some kind of damn folk hero to a bunch of girls that I didn’t even know existed. Finding out that I’d been earmarked for extermination yet again. Finding out that the council weren’t just full of shit, they were down right fucking evil.
“What happened then Kennedy? Obviously you have been called as the slayer…” Angel’s voice was still calm, no sign of the rage burning in his heart, that was burning so bright in mine. “…was it pure chance?”
“No. Not even close.”
“It wasn’t? Then how…”
“Magic, dirty twisted dark magic. They wanted the power so fucking bad, that they sold all of our souls down the river to get it. I told you they took our blood, right?”
We nodded our assent.
“Well they used our blood, got some fucking ugly warlock to do some weird spell, and then they made us drink it again…”
“They made you drink blood?”
Cordy raised her eyebrows at Kennedy’s ‘yes’. Tinkled out a shaky little laugh.
“Well that’s all kinds of ironic right? You guys are meant to stop the blood suckers, not jump on the gravy train.”
“You think that we wanted to! You think I wanted to drink it?!”
“Hey, calm down pint sized, I’m just saying…”
“Yeah Cor, ironic. Try more like fucking sick, fucking twisted…”
Luckily my choice of words had calmed our newest slayer back down. Enough for her to tell the rest of the tale. To give the ending to what was the craziest freaking story I’d truly ever heard. I mean, Jesus, I thought my own tale was fucked up… but this girl had that beat by miles. Millions of fucking miles.
“It was so surreal when it finally happened, it didn’t feel right… I swear my body tried to reject the power, like it wasn’t meant to be me. I was throwing up, shaking… but they were all just laughing, so damn jovial, congratulating each other on what a fine and dandy job they had done. I guess the spell worked, whatever they put in my blood, it made me a slayer. It gave me the power.”
“What about the others?”
“They got sick too, only they didn’t get the power surge to fight it off…”
“You mean…”
Her eyes were as hard as steel when they raised to meet mine. Something that I could recognise, so many defences. Everything that hurt, held back by something solid. Something to cling to.
“Yes, all of them, all of us… the folklore slayer was dead, and now they were gone too. I would have saved them, I would of freed them…”
“Hey, it’s alright, it’s not your fault.”
Buffy was closest to her, and so it was her hand that had reached out and tried to comfort, drawing back when Kennedy jumped, when she turned her hardened eyes and broken tones her way.
“I know it’s not my fault, it’s their fault. They killed them.”
I wanted to rewind time, to take it back to a place where I hadn’t heard this story, where I didn’t know this anger. Me and B had spent the last few hours locked in arguments over this connection, what the connection meant, and now it turned out that it meant a whole lot fucking more than even I had bargained on. I’d never considered myself before the power, never thought that I was already earmarked, already set up as a ‘potential’, but now knowing that there were these girls out there, all lined up in a pretty little row, just waiting for the council to come and pluck them from their lives… man I was pissed. I was so fucking pissed.
I could feel the edges of the table digging into my palms, could feel the fire in my belly growing fiercer by the second. For so long I had feared the council, the almighty fucking power that had deigned me to be worthless, had wanted to eradicate me… but all that I could feel then was the deepest desire to eradicate them. To take what they were, all that they stood for, and destroy it. We were the slayers for fucks sake, this was our god damned legacy, our calling, and maybe we didn’t always handle it so well, didn’t always make the best decisions, but Jesus… what they had done was unforgivable. Inhuman.
The waves which had been flooding my way from Buffy spoke of the same, her anger as palpable to me as my own, the hard set of her eyes not able to keep contact.
“I need to see Giles.”
Yeah. I’d forgotten about him.
“You think he knew B? You think that…”
“I hope not. For his sake, I really hope not.”
“Buffy wait…” Angel was still calm, still so fucking measured, calling her back from rising, making her sit again. “…think it through, you really believe that Giles would’ve known about this?”
“He’s a watcher, Angel. He has to know something.”
“He wouldn’t know this and not say something, he’s a good man.”
“If he’s council, then there’s no such thing… we all had watchers, men designated to care for us, to train us… you think that they cared what happened to us? You think that any of them stood up for us?”
We knew that the answer was no. Her story had already proven that.
“Can I just ask, what happened, after… with you here, what happened?”
The way that she looked as she’d turned towards Cordy was god damn scary, flashing something that if I hadn’t of known the details, I might have called rogue. I would have called dangerous.
“I killed as many as I could and I ran. They came after me, I killed more… I’ve been running for weeks. Now I’m here.”
“But why here?”
“Buffy Anne Summers.” She turned her frightful look towards my girl then. “I had to know if you were one of them, I thought that the other slayer was dead… I had to know if I was alone. If I was fighting alone.”
“You’re not alone Kennedy. We’re fighting this one together.”
That time she didn’t flinch at Buffy’s touch. She smiled. Kind of. Her head nodding, her gaze raising to meet mine as I spoke out my words.
“I’m not dead, by the way.”
“I get that now, but with the power… I assumed that you were. I didn’t expect to find you both here, I didn’t understand what it meant, it’s why, with the hiding…”
“It means we have this real uncanny knack of not staying dead. It also means you’ve got two kick ass slayers on your side now. The council won’t touch you again, you have my word on it.”
And she smiled again. Kind of.
As for what we were actually going to do, that was a little more shaky. No ones words filling a void that wasn’t comfortable. Just sitting and stewing, stoking the flames of fury as we went over in our heads, all that had been told to our ears.
“I’m going home, I have to see Giles…”
“Buffy.”
“No Angel, you can say what you want, but I need to see him, I need to know… and even if he doesn’t know, then he sure as hell needs to. God, we have the council due any day now, I can’t…”
“It’s cool B. I’ll come with, Kennedy too… I think they all need to hear what the score is, what the council stands for…”
“Damn it!”
Cordy’s violent shout had stopped me in my tracks, demanding that all of our attention be turned her way.
“I just knew I wasn’t gonna make the darn manicure, ‘don’t worry, it’s not big stuff, just slayer stuff…’, ha frickin ha!”
“Sorry Cor, it’s not like I knew.”
“Uh-huh, whatever. Yet again the slayers are the centre of the universe, I’m used to it.”
She smiled to match her jokey tones, her unmanicured fingers reaching out to the coffee pot, and then pulling away again as she realised that it was cold. No one remembering to fill their cups amongst the story telling of the last hour.
“I vote that we all head to Buffy’s, call Xander and have him pick up the donuts and coffees on the way. It’ll be just like old times, only newer, and with yet another slayer to add to the mix.”
And it was the way that we all headed, the plan that we made. Buffy made a call home to round up the girls and Giles, making sure that they were up and about and that the council hadn’t rolled into town in our absence. Then she secured the Xander side of things, insisting that he bring refreshments for everyone, smiling as she held the rant filled reply away from her ear. As for me, I was buzzing again. A completely different kind of buzz.
They had hunted me like a fucking dog, coming after me with their guns and their helicopters, letting me know that I was nothing, that I was less than nothing. And all of that time, every single fucking minute that I had spent locked inside of my own prison, killing myself with the knowledge that I hadn’t been good enough, never good enough… they had been this. Damn right it had me buzzing. It was about Buffy too, the way they had treated her, the things that she had told me… and now it had become about Kennedy. The worst fucked up story I had ever heard.
They wanted the power so bad, they wanted our power so bad, and I was damn well ready to give it to them. I could not wait to give it to them.
“I really can’t, I just…” Giles’ glasses were in his hand, his head shaking, his words not as forthcoming as they usually were. “…it’s bloody well.., I don’t…”
“Breathe Giles, I know it’s hard to hear, but it’s the truth.” I was close to telling him to get a grip, dangerously close to shaking him hard. He was a watcher, he was Buffy’s watcher for fucks sake, and a part of me felt that he should have known, he should have done something. “Turns out that your glorious council are really nothing more than low down murderers, it’s quite a reality check, right?”
“I can’t.., are we sure… do we know..?”
“Of course we fucking know!” I threw my hand out to point at Kennedy, the girl cowering on the sofa. “Didn’t you hear what she said, didn’t you listen?”
“Faith, calm down…”
“Don’t tell me calm Angel, don’t damn well tell me to be calm!” he stood up and faced me, his bulk not intimidating me, but the look in his eyes quieting my rage. “How do you expect me to be calm..?”
“We’re all angry, but losing your cool isn’t going to help anyone, we need to think this through…”
Giles’ head was still shaking. “I still can’t believe it.”
“Well you had better start.” Buffy stood before him in the same way that Angel had stood before me, her bulk never enough to intimidate, but her power speaking volumes. She’d accused him earlier, when we had first walked through the door, speaking even before Kennedy had had the chance to divulge her tale again, fast fired questions attacking his easy demeanour, demanding that he didn’t know… pleading that he didn’t know.
“Buffy…”
“No Giles. No reasoning, no placation. You’ve heard it all, you know it all… either you’re with us, or you’re with them, there’s no in between anymore.” I made my way over to stand at her side, going round Angel, taking my place. “You either believe it or you don’t, you’re with us or you’re not?”
My breath caught in my throat as his eyes clouded behind his newly replaced glasses, as his gaze fell upon her and then on me, his head turning to travel to Kennedy, weighing up her words again. I could only imagine what was going through his mind, the horror of it all, the betrayal.
The sigh that left his lips as his decision was made, was nothing less than heartfelt… maybe all of his own years of service reduced to mean nothing more than the blowing out of breath from tired lips. “You know that you don’t have to ask Buffy, I will always stand by your side, no matter if it is against the council, against anyone.” he stepped forwards to offer his arms to her, to offer himself to her. “Whatever you want to do, I am behind you one hundred percent.”
I watched as she folded herself into his embrace, the smile that lit her features. “Thank you, it means a lot to hear it.”
It was a nice moment, but it couldn’t last. “I still don’t get how the fuck this was going on, and no one knew a damn thing about it, you didn’t know, Wes didn’t know, someone had to know!”
His shoulders shrugged at me as he pulled himself back from Buffy, “I certainly never heard anything more than a whisper. Back before I was assigned as Buffy’s watcher, there was some idle talk of tracking down…” He glanced at Kennedy on the sofa, “…potentials?”
“Yeah, that’s right, potentials.”
Her return glance wasn’t kind.
“But I have always assumed it was a fruitless expedition. They wanted to begin the training younger to make the slayers more proficient…”
“That’s crap!” Giles’ words had Kennedy rising fast from the sofa. “They wanted to control the slayers! They didn’t care a bit about proficiency as long as it was them that was holding the reins.”
“Well I don’t know about that,” his glasses were in his hands again, fumbling again. “I never heard it mentioned in the capacity of controlling…”
She was in his face before he knew it, her power towering above him. “You think they took me from my home at EIGHT YEARS OLD to make me more proficient?!”
“I don’t…” I watched him cower back, and I watched Buffy step between them. I could have stepped between them myself, but to me she had a point. How dare he try and trivialise what had happened to her?
“I say we all calm down. Kennedy, I understand you’re upset, and I told you that you weren’t alone in that, but I won’t tolerate a shouting match with my friend,” she gestured behind her to Giles as she kept her eyes firm on Kennedy. “Giles may be a watcher, he may be with the council, but he is my friend, first and foremost he is one of us.”
It diffused the situation for that moment, our newest ‘chosen one’ sneering out her disapproval and returning to the sofa. Still fizzing, still agitated, but prepared to listen to B, to accept her word.
“Tell us everything you know Giles, anything that you know?”
“That’s just it Buffy, I truly don’t know anything. Whatever it was that they were doing or hoping to achieve, I haven’t heard word of it in years. That’s why this is all so hard to take in…”
“You wanna try living it asshole.”
“Kennedy!”
Then I did take my turn to be firm. Happy to give her some leeway, but not happy to hear insults. Giles had said he didn’t know, and for Buffy that was enough. Kennedy would have to accept it as enough for her as well. As would I.
Her eyes were burning as they held mine, eventually dropping, her posture changing, “I’m sorry, I’ll be… good.”
“I ain’t saying you have to be good, I’m just saying the mouth, watch it.” I smiled when she peeped back up. “Save the fire for the scum that deserve it, everyone in this room is an ally, not an asshole.”
I tried to ignore Andrew sitting in the corner. He was an asshole.
“Do we know anything about the spell that they used?”
“Dunno Red, Ken?”
“You think they explained it to us?” She was shaking her head as she replied. “We were just the end result, they didn’t give specifics.”
“It would have to be pretty powerful magic, maybe tapping into the source…” I watched as Willow and Tara conferred amongst themselves, as good as speaking a foreign language. “We could probably do it I think, a locater spell with a twist.”
“When you say source, are you talking freaky chick in the desert source, cos last time we did that, there were all sorts of consequences.”
“No Xander, no freaky chicks.” I watched as Willow turned her eyes from him, to Kennedy. A small smile settling on her impish little face, maybe some mischief glowing in her eyes. “I think I could do it by tapping into Kennedy, she’s the source.”
Her words had brought about a silent tension in the enclosed space of the room, not bad tension, not the kind that spells danger, but the kind that crackles. A tension that had Kennedy walking her way to stand in front of Willow, had the fear slipping from her eyes to be replaced with something else. Something electric.
“You wanna ‘tap into’ me?”
“I uh… I meant, when I said… ‘tap’, I um… I meant magic.”
“I bet you did.”
It was all there. In her posture, in her tone, the self assured slant of her hips. There was no doubting what our new girl was; a hot chick with super powers. A damn hot chick with super powers.
“I was so right!” Anya’s gleeful shout cut a swathe through the silence that had accompanied Kennedy’s pose, “I knew it, I told you Xander, I knew it!”
“You knew what honey?”
“Them, the slayers, all of them… they're gay!”
That’s right. Anya had sliced the tension to re-embark upon her all slayers are gay theory. No matter that I was waiting to see just how flushed Willow’s cheeks could get, whether Tara would speak up and stake her claims, whether Kennedy was gonna manage to get any hotter in the few seconds that followed. Nope. She just ruined the fun to make her pointless point.
“I thought I saw her looking at me when she came in,” she was still talking, still dissipating tension of the exciting kind, “and now I know. She’s a lesbian, she fancies me.”
“An, maybe…”
“No Xander, it’s quite alright. I’m not about to leave you to go running off and join the lady lover’s club, but I don’t mind her looking. It’s like window shopping…”
“You what?”
Kennedy’s voice came out as high as I had heard it, like a drawn out scream. Her posture dropping hot, to bring about cold, her eyes hiding the come hither, to send instead messages of go wither. “You think that I ‘fancy’ you?”
“It’s perfectly understandable, no need to act shy.”
“Believe me, I do NOT have a hankering for anything you’ve got, I like my ladies a little more…”
She flicked her gaze again to Willow, cutting out Tara, cutting out anyone other than the one that her eyes were penetrating. “…magical. A little more sexy.”
Oh wow. She was good.
It was bad.
It was as if Kennedy had Red pinned to the sofa, all with the strength of her stare, forcing her to stay rigid, the colour to settle so fierce upon her cheeks. My own gaze shot to Buffy, to Cordy, to Tara, to everyone… all of their expressions the same. Bewildered, bemused, yet entranced.
In fact the only one not under the spell of the tension was Anya. Her words working again to break a moment that was steadily becoming uncomfortable.
“Willow may be more magic, but I am definitely more sexy. Tell her Xander, tell her!”
“Huh? Yeah…” I had wanted to wipe away his drool. “…sexy.”
“Xander!”
“What?! I agreed, I said sexy!”
“I think that is quite enough now thank you Xander, if we could just get back to the subject matter please?”
“Me? What did I do?”
“Just hush, we still have important things to discuss.”
But Giles had lost me then. I tuned myself out on Willow’s shaky words of magic spells, on Buffy’s impassioned little speech about how we would sever all links with the council forever, for all slayers. My attention was focused in one place, on one girl. Watching as Kennedy kept her eyes trained solo on Red, the depth of her stare, the heat that she was radiating. I swear I almost licked my lips at one point, not able to ignore so much blatant fuck appeal on show right before me. I wouldn’t encourage it, I was already planning my speech to Ken about our resident witchy lovers, but for that moment I allowed myself to observe it. To observe her.
It was as if she had thrown away the desire to be scared, and replaced it with nothing but the desire to acquire, to possess. It was a feeling I remembered well, a feeling that could bring about a whole lot of unwelcome destruction.
I’d shook myself out of my haze as the speaking was winding down to a standstill, catching Tara’s worried eyes as I slinked my gaze around the room. What could I do? I could only wink to reassure her, silently telling myself that I would definitely be reigning our new charge in. It was a shame. Kennedy obviously needed the distraction, her eyes blazing as they had settled on Red, but I would talk to her. Would warn her away from what she couldn’t have.
“Earth to Faith, come in Faith…”
I guess my haze had settled about me again as I’d been considering the talk I would have to have with Ken, not noticing that B was getting eager for my attention.
“What’s up?”
“I’m beat. The others are gonna get on with the researchy style stuff, and I’m gonna grab some shut eye whilst I can. You care to join me?”
Already the witches had begun opening up books and firing up the computer, Xander pulling faces as Giles directed him towards which texts he would like to cross reference, Cordy and Angel doing their best to make themselves useful to the usual suspects.
“What about me, you expect me to hang around and read books, you think I care what magic it was?”
“Ken…”
“No Faith, they used and abused me and now I wanna kick ass, not read fucking mumbo jumbo magic bullshit!”
I had no answer, so I had let Buffy answer. Her hand slipping into mine, her voice steady and secure.
“I don’t like the reading either Kennedy, go down to the basement, get some training in, then maybe when I’m rested I’ll come down and kick your ass.”
“You think you can?”
“Sure I can, now go. Angel will work with you if you need him to, or Giles.” She narrowed her eyes then as she spoke. “No going crazy on my watcher though! I get the deal with the council, I do… but no killing of family friends.”
“Sure thing, I’ll just practice for when ‘his’ friends get here.”
And that was that. I switched off. No more thinking about all that we had learned, all that we now knew about our heritage. About Kennedy, about the worry of the witch watching and unwanted attractions. I just wanted a little sleep. I just wanted a little Buffy.
POV Buffy.
I wasn’t sure that my legs were going to carry me up the stairs. I was so damn exhausted, so damn tired, so still wishing for a break in the hard times. I was more than a little tempted to ask Faith to carry me, but from the look in her eyes I could see that she was just as weary as me, just as ready to crash, and just as prepared to keep wishing for better times.
Everything that we have learned today, everything that we have heard, it’s just… god, it’s just so screwed up. I have always believed that the council were pompous assholes, but the realisation that they are girl abducting, murdering scum, well, it’s a little hard to take. It’s something that we shouldn’t have to take. It’s something that I am determined that no girl of ours is ever going to have to take again. And when I say ‘ours’, I mean ours.
It’s amazing how much things can change in just a few hours. Only yesterday I would have given anything to isolate the slayer line myself, to make me and Faith the only slayers ever, to cocoon the two of us inside of a bond that no one else could ever lay claim to. But then of course I had heard Kennedy’s story. Now I would stake my life to protect hers, I would stake my life to protect every single girl out there that the council wants to list as a potential. Potential what? Dog meat? Not a chance. It will not be happening again. Ever again.
A sigh that sounds a thousand years old breaks from my lips and my eyes travel up to the mirror to bear witness to the sadness that sits there. I know the silent question that pokes my consciousness, the reason that I’m stood solitary in the bathroom when Faith awaits my presence in the bedroom.
Why the hell should I keep risking my life and the lives of those I love, to save a world that barely seems worthy of saving?
I can fight demons, I can slice and dice demons, I can take on demons all damn night and day if I have to. Because I am the slayer, because they are inhuman, because they are evil. But my god, how is it that the worst forms of evil reside within the very life forms that we are trying so hard to protect, to save? I have never witnessed anything as bad as human evil. So much of it. And all of it so damn base, the very depths of a depravity that I can not even bring myself to imagine.
I don’t want to list examples, to begin a count that is never ending, but I can’t stop the faces from floating unbidden in front of my eyes. Warren of course, his manic laughter now a soundtrack for my every sweat stained nightmare, but so many more than him. The Mayor, Ted, Ethan Rayne, Amy’s mum, Fritz the murdering computer nerd, Pete the steroid popper, Maggie Walsh and her whole messed up initiative…
My head pounds as the list continues to grow. All different sorts of people, all from different places, all proving that the human spirit is capable of producing mayhem and misery just as well as any hell driven beast. It’s depressing. It’s almost soul destroying. It makes my eyes water even as I splash cool liquid to my face to refresh my tiredness. Is the world really worth all the saving? Is my calling really as important as it may sound?
“Hey B, you got lost in there?”
And now the mirror reflects the smile that slinks to my lips as her voice rings heavy through the door. Damn right this world is worth saving.
“Just freshening up, I’m almost done.”
Self pity is not a look I like to favour so much anymore, and thinking through the bad times is a guarantee that the self pity will be on the way. So instead I remember good times. The people that face the bad without the power to kill demons with a flick of the wrist. People like Tara, like Xander, Jenny Calender, Riley… I only have to look at the face of my baby sister to see the human spirit at its best. People that would do my job without ever having filled out an application form. It’s heartening, and I like the feeling a whole lot more than the other. I like the smile so much more than the frown.
“Serious Buffy, I need to pee, you want me to spring a leak on the carpet?”
“Only if you’re going to clean up after.”
I turn and flick the lock, open the door to see her standing with her legs crossed and not looking at all impressed with me.
“Halle-freaking-lujah!”
“Sorry, I was…”
“Yeah, freshening up, I got that.”
I smile at her pained expression as she pushes past me through the door, already tearing at the buttons on her jeans, popping her fly and exposing her ass. I could joke about her lack of dignity, but instead I just chuckle and leave, pulling the door closed behind me. Everything about that girl makes my world worth saving.
In the bedroom she has pulled the blinds to stop the sun from shining through, has puffed up the pillows that I left in a despondent heap and made my Bostonian checks sit all orderly again. Making the bed the place to be, making me yawn as I realise again just how tired I am. It’s no more than a myth that slayers don’t feel tiredness the same way as everybody else does, I spend half of my life feeling absolute exhaustion, but always there is something there to call me on, to assure me that rest is second best, that everything else is much more urgent. Well not now, not at this moment. Now I need to rest, to recuperate, to prepare for the battle that faces us next. Faith returning to the room only makes the moment more complete.
“You made the bed.” I state the obvious as I let myself flop down atop the covers, beckoning gently with my hand for her to come and join me.
“Don’t get used to it, my Marcia Brady days are officially over, I was just killing time whilst you were getting fresh. Hell, if you’d taken any longer I’d have been tempted to get friendly with the vacuum cleaner.”
“Sorry, I was… you know. Thinking.”
Her eyes take on a serious note as she sits herself down next to me, a sigh as large as any I have found slipping from the grim set of her lips.
“I bet I can guess what about.”
And I bet that she is right. The council’s crimes are not just crimes against me, they are crimes against her, crimes against everything that our legacy stands for.
“It’s too much to take in, isn’t it?”
“Sure is B, whoever would’ve thought it?” Her head is shaking, and I can feel her body shaking too, sending out the silent vibes of anger that have encased her fully since Kennedy first stuttered out her tortured tale. “Makes you wonder what the fucking point is.”
“I know.” Because I have been wondering. She lays her body back until we are resting side by side, our eyes fixed solely on the ceiling above us. “I always realised that they were full of crap, but I at least thought that they were on our side, fighting with us.”
“And yet now we get that they’re against us. Me I can understand.” She turns her head to face me, rolls her eyes to acknowledge her past. “But you B, that’s just bullshit.”
“No Faith, all of it is bullshit.”
We slip into a stretched silence as we consider exactly how crap infested it really is. It’s a situation that I wouldn’t ever have believed if I hadn’t heard it first hand from a survivor. And the fact that they had the audacity to label Kennedy as rogue and request for us to catch her and turn her back over to them, it’s completely freaking nuts. It shows just how untouchable they believe they are, how invincible, how powerful.
They do not understand the first damn thing about power.
“Do you think that Ken’s gonna be okay?”
I set aside my pondering to answer her question, thoughts flashing to the girl that I had sent to spar with Giles. Hoping that Angel would take up the call instead.
“I’m certain that she will. Kennedy’s a survivor Faith, she’s a slayer.”
“But you know as well as I do B, that slaying don’t always make the world a bright and fuzzy place. The girls been through a fuck of a lot, it might take time.”
It might. But then I had seen the quick change that possessed her when her gaze had been determined in it’s possessing of Wills. Kennedy has a whole lot of spirit left in reserve, I am completely sure of that. And speaking of…
“Did you get the way that she was checking out Wills?”
“Did I get it?” Her chuckle makes a nice break from the sighs. “I was damn near scorched by it! That girl has one wicked hot vibe working for her.”
“You think that Tara noticed?”
“I know that Tara noticed.” And that does make me a little weary again. I know how I would feel if Kennedy’s look had been directed at Faith. It would not be good. My blow of breath has her turning onto her side to face me, her fingers reaching out to fiddle with the base of my top, stretching my mind in two directions at once. “Don’t worry about it B, I’ll talk to Ken, tell her how it is.”
I nod acceptance as her touch centres around my navel, dipping softly into my belly button. The pace of my breathing increasing to match the steady flutter of my heart.
“Do you think it’ll be enough? Cos I’m thinking that there’s a girl that doesn’t want to follow any orders, that’s had enough of being controlled.”
Her eyes have dipped from mine to follow the lazy path of her hand, as if she is mesmerised by the slow and simple way that she is touching me. I know that I am.
“It’ll be fine, trust me.”
I don’t get a chance to answer, because in the moment that I would’ve told her that I trust her with everything, she is pulling herself up and away from me. An instant shift of mood. Running her hands through her hair, letting out a yawn that belies the exhaustion that she feels too.
“You tired baby?”
“Fucking beat and fading fast.” She taps a finger against the side of her head. “Too much shit to process B, I just wanna sleep for like a week.”
“Shame we don’t have a week.” Her mouth downturns and she stifles another yawn, starts pulling her sleep clothes out of my drawer. And I like her clothes in my drawer. It’s a thought that niggles the thing in my mind that I have been meaning to say to Faith for days. Right now is not the time though, not yet. “We do have a few hours, maybe two, possibly three. It’s not a week, but it’s a start.”
“Wow, a whole three?” She rolls her eyes again, showing disapproval.
“It’s better than nothing.”
My heart is still fluttering as her hands remove the clothes from her body, unearthing with each layer the ultimate prize in living. That which keeps my world spinning. In some circles they might call it lecherous, the way that my eyes are reaching out to possess every inch of flesh that she bares to me, the way that my tongue is darting out to moisten my drying lips, but I don’t care. After everything, after all of the horror stories that I have heard, there is nothing which means as much to me as losing the reek of depravity in the fresh smell of Faith.
“You’re looking pretty good there.” It’s an understatement of course, but it’s a statement that sneaks out from my lips without much forethought. Making her give me a puzzled little frown, then a smirk, then a smile.
“I try my hardest.” Her arms are stretching up above her head as she turns her back to me, showing the hard pronunciation of muscles, the soft cover of skin. And I want her. I want to feel how good she looks.
“Come here Faith.” It comes out throaty, making her turn towards me, her top for sleeping still in hand, her body naked before me. I’m definitely lecherous. Mark it down as my bad habit.
“One sec yeah, I’ll just throw these on.”
And did she miss the point?
“That’s okay, you won’t need them.”
I watch as her chest puffs out, her breasts seeming to strain for my touch as she draws in a deep breath, lets out a low sigh. “I’m fucked B, would you mind if we…”
She trails off on her words and I’m guessing that it’s because of the shocked look on my face. I mean, this IS Faith right? My Faith, the Faith who assured me that she couldn’t be with me and not want me every minute of every day. Today is a day, this is a minute, and what the heck is going on?
“Faith?”
“It’s nothing, I just…” Her hands slip the top over her body, reaching out to grab at the shorts. “…I’m so freaking exhausted, and this whole screwed up sitch is spinning my head something crazy.”
Mine too. But still.
“You don’t want to?”
I await her words but they do not come. All that comes is a heartbreaking look. Just a flash, just for a moment, the veil of sadness wrapping tight around her eyes, her expression locked in pain. And then gone. Eyes fixed, gaze empty.
“Faith?” I call her name again, I want to know what’s hurting her.
“It’s not about the wanting B, you know how much I want.” She does the eyebrows thing for me, the lift and the wiggle, yet I can’t help but feel that it’s only done for effect. That it’s part of a practiced routine, a camouflage. “There’s just so much crap in my head right now, things that I thought I knew, things that I didn’t know…”
The pain flashes fast again, usurping the pretence of sexy. And I rise. Of course I damn well rise. Standing in front of her as she ties the top to the bed shorts, waiting for her to find the words to unload on me.
“All the time I was here and thinking I was crap, and yet there was a whole heap of girls out there toasting my existence, waiting around for me to come rescue them, believing in me. It’s insane...”
Oh Faith.
“And now they’re dead, just like that. All because the council wanted our power, all because the council are a bunch of sick and twisted fuckers. I just can’t stop thinking that if I’d known…”
“No.” I will not let her persecute herself for the faults of others. She persecutes herself enough for the things that have been done by her own hand, and there is no way on earth that she is taking any of the fall for the evil of others. I will not allow it. No way. “Stop that line of thought right now, there is nothing you could have done, no one knew, end of story.”
“Just like that B?”
“Faith, it’s not that simple. Don’t think I’m dismissing it… but god, surely you don’t think that any of it’s your fault, it’s their fault. It’s like Kennedy said; The council killed them.”
She nods and I think I have her, cushioning her fall with the truth.
“I could have saved them though… if I’d known.”
“Not could have Faith, would have. But you didn’t know, we didn’t know.” Her hand strays up to run through her hair and I make a grab for it, bringing it down to rest at our sides. “You died saving the whole damn world, you can’t save everyone, you know that, we both know that.”
I should probably carve those words into stone. A constant reminder for the both of us.
“Can we just go to bed Buffy, no more talking?”
“No, you can’t just go to bed.” Her questioning eyes lock into mine, and I set myself to work. Knowing how she feels, recognising and accepting the fleeting feelings of failure that comes with being a slayer. More than anything though I remember how she always makes me feel better when I am sliding low, how she makes me smile through all of the hard times. I smile for her now. “I’m not letting my girl go to sleep with the thoughts all morose, it’s not happening.”
“It’s not?”
“Damn right it’s not!” I make it so that I stand as close to her as I can, so she can feel the steady rhythm of my heart beating in my chest, the warmth of my body calling out to her. “Look over there Faith, what do you see?”
It’s been done a couple of times before and now I’m praying that it can be done again. Everyday we fight, and way too often we lose the things that are precious to us. There is no greater refuge from that than a few moments of blessed sanctuary, time to stand still and to breathe, to smile at the things that are good. Faith showed me that, and it is only fair that I show her the same.
“What do I see?”
She follows the point of my finger to the bedroom door, and just for a second I worry that she doesn’t want to stand still right now, doesn’t want to breathe with me.
“Yes Faith,” I lean up to kiss her softly, just a nibble, a tiny trip of tongue that slides across the cleft in her lower lip. “Tell me what you see?”
“I see the door.”
Her voice has embraced a husky whisper for me, her eyes opening up to see the same things which I see. And so I launch into my speech, the same kind of words which saved us before.
“Right, a door.” I smile, and she smiles. “Beyond that door is a whole lot of bad things, the bumpy in the night things, the bumpy in the day things. Demons, people…” Her eyes harden again on that word, and so I skip forwards, my hand coming up to trace the line of her jaw, warming inside as she leans her face into my touch. “…but in here Faith, in here it’s just you and me, just a few minutes when nothing else can touch us, when all that matters is this. Is us.”
Her forehead is touching mine, her nose grazing, her breath settling sweet on my lips. “I love you B.”
“I know you do.” I lift my fingers to trace her face again, the outline of her smile. “Now let me make love to you?”
She steps back on my words and hands me the reins, lifting her arms as I remove the clothes that I swore she wouldn’t need, standing there submissively as I slide the shorts down her legs, feet kicking out to send them skidding across the floor. And she is still so breathtakingly beautiful. A beauty that makes me ache to touch her, to possess and caress her, to please her. I let my lips claim hers in a kiss which has nothing at all to do with softly, but everything to do with passion, the heat of her skin raising my temperature, engulfing myself in everything that she makes me feel.
“I want you.” Again stating the obvious, but needing for it to be said.
Her answering sigh of approval is enough to make me pop the button on my own pants, desperate to feel her flesh sitting snugly against my skin, desperate to wash away every feeling of the bad with touches that are born from love.
“You need a little help there?”
Her voice is husky as hell, and a jolt of pure electricity fizzes through my system as her fingers slide to the soft skin that sits underneath the restriction of my fly, popping the last of the buttons for me, edging material slowly over my hips.
“I thought I was being the seductress Faith.”
“I’m seduced,” I don’t doubt the sexy in her smile now. “Just returning the favour.”
I wiggle my legs to encourage my pants to fall the rest of the way to the ground, stepping away from them, lifting my arms to allow Faith to undress me fully, sighing contentedly as her fingers make deft work of the clasp to my bra.
Beautiful, is what she says to me, and I love that we feel the same. I arch my back to bring my breasts close to her hovering lips, shivering as she places just the smallest of kisses to my chest, her tongue teasing me into tauntness with the way it flicks so fleetingly across me.
“You ready for bed now?” I try for an angelic smile, stepping back from her lips and extending my hand.
“You bet I am.”
Her answering smile shoots way past angelic and heads straight for hungry instead, forgoing my hand to wrap her arms around my waist, directing me towards the bed that I had offered. Every single point of contact is buzzing with deep anticipation, knowing what is coming, the things which are going to occur. I open my legs as we fall to the bed, bringing her down to nestle in close between my thighs, my hips rising to make sure that she knows exactly what I want. I want to feel her close to me, I want every sad and bad thought exiled from our systems and replaced with the thoughts all happy. I want the smiles to stay put by themselves for a while.
The rhythm that she strikes up against me is one I am beginning to know so well, the teasing touch as she lowers her pussy so gently down to mine as if she is giving me the faintest kiss hello. Always that first touch making me moan in the sweetest way. My hands know the right way to play now as well, like a game, reaching around her body to find a grip on the firmness of her ass, trying to insist that she pushes harder against me, demanding that she speeds up her lazy ministrations to slide her pussy tight against my own.
“You wanting something B?”
Her lips curving into a devilish grin as she keeps all pressure light, so god damn barely there. My clit absolutely throbbing in almost protest as she tickles herself so slightly against me…“Damn right I do.” I utilise my strength to reverse our positions, flipping her off and over, the look on her face making me let out a small tinkle of laughter, “What’s the matter Faith, you don’t like being a bottom?”
I know that she loves it every way, but it is such fun to tease her. And it is more than fun to be the one on top. Looking down at her spread beneath me and knowing that everything is going to be okay. As long as I have her, everything will be fine.
“I thought you said making love B, not the bucking bronco.”
“I didn’t buck you, I flipped you…” I lean down and kiss her full lips, delighting in the hot wetness I find there. “…and now I’m going to fuck you.”
It’s like a whisper slipping from my lips as I pull away from her, but I know that she heard me loud and clear. Her eyebrows raising as if to say, oh you are, are ya? and my nod assuring that yes, I definitely am.
I slide my hands slowly along her arms, bringing them up above her head, positioning her body the way that I like it. Her breasts sit so damn magnificent this way, all strained and reaching, the darkness of her nipples shining like a beacon to my eyes. To my mouth. Blowing a breeze across her skin to see if I can make them stand more firm. She makes a noise that sounds like ‘tickles’, and I take it as a call to go further. My tongue reaching out to trace an outline, my lips close behind to suck her fully into my mouth.
I feel as her hands slip into my hair, pulling me closer, losing my mind as her husky tones set light to my ears. “I need you Buffy.” And I know that she does.
My mouth setting the pace as it slides from one breast to take possession of the other, wrapping so tight around each nipple, lips sucking, tongue flicking. My hands no longer laying dormant, but reaching down between us to stroke patterns across her navel.
“You like that baby?”
I follow up the question by inviting my tongue to take the same journey as my hands, her sighs replacing words as I leave a saliva trail across her tummy. Such a pretty trail to take. I can feel her directing me downwards with the fist that’s tightened in my hair, opening my eyes to see her head tilted back and her other hand wrapping tight in my favoured Boston checks. And down is the only way to go. Kissing the soft skin that marks the passing of navel into hips, my fingers caressing the smooth flesh of inner thighs as I implore her to open up to me. Desire demanding that she open up to me.
My own body reacts as if it is me who is being made love to, every stroke I give echoing against my own skin, my moans of pleasure every bit a match for hers. And I know that I could die happy drowning in the taste of Faith. Starting with just the slightest of nibbles against her clit, my tongue sliding along the inside of her lips until I’m met with the wetness that pools at the entrance to her pussy. So damn silky, musky with a flavour I have loved since the first time. And I want to be inside of her. My arms wrapping around her legs as I spread her body even wider for me, pulling them apart so I can reach my tongue right to the very depths of her. Pushing deeper, pulling harder. Urging that she rides against my face with every ounce of fiery passion that I know she possesses.
She might be saying, that’s it B, she might be saying, that feels so fucking good, but all that I can hear is the explosions in my ears. Faith’s thighs wrapping tight to insulate my senses, overpowering any need I had to pull her legs apart. And I love this. The thumping of my heart a steady back rhythm to the urgent thrusting of my tongue. And I know that she loves it too. Even without the hearing, I know that she loves it.
My eyes are flickering open every second to witness the looks that shoot across her face. One minute her own eyes clenching shut with the same tightness she uses to keep a hand in my hair, the next second her eyes flying open to meet with mine. Spreading wide as she catches my gaze, trying to lift up and witness all that she is feeling. And then dropping again. My tongue twisting to push even deeper, my arms tightening to pull even harder. Wanting to give her my all, to give her everything.
I think it is that thought that pushes me to move my hands from her thighs to give her more, my left staying there to keep her firmly against my face, but the other tripping away to bring the pleasure to the next notch, not wanting to tease, just aiming fast to please.
“Fuck B…”
And I heard that one. Her hips rising violently as I slide a finger deep inside of her, all so wet for me, all because of me. And now I can watch her properly. Just for a moment. A second of respite for my tongue as I let my fingers fuck her fast. First one, and then two, curving up to stroke inside with each thrust of my hand. I swear it feels like my heart may just jump from my chest as she looks at me this time, propping herself up on her elbows to stop from falling straight back down again.
Never have I seen anything that looks so deliciously hot as she does in this minute. Her body flushed and shining, her pupils dilated with want. Her hair sitting mussed and wild about her face. And the absolute clincher is the sight I see when my eyes drop her gaze to centre on the fingers which are buried inside of her pussy. It feels as if my very soul is on fire for her.
I watch as I slide my fingers slowly out, feeling the tingles through my body as I witness the way her juices have coated them. So smooth and sticky, my toes curling against the bed as I thrive on the power that she gives me. The way she makes me feel.
She moans my name and I return to her gaze. Still propped on elbows, still boring straight into me, more power, more tingles. And I know what she wants. Of course I do. I keep her stare as I bring my fingers up to my lips, fixing a naughty glint to my eyes as I slide them straight inside of my mouth, lapping up all that she left there. Making my own moans to compliment the taste of her on me.
“You are so fucking hot B.”
Again we are feeling the same.
Her hips are still moving in rhythm against the air, no pressure, no friction, and I know that I’m being cruel, but I just love it when she watches me like this. The thrill that catches in her eyes as she loses her self to the sight of me fucking her. It has me dropping my hand again, one last lick before sliding them back to base. Faith’s legs opening even further as she shifts her seat to watch properly. Our own private show.
One day we will have mirrors on the ceilings, mark my words.
I move my body to match her own movements, following her across the bed until she is sat almost up against the headboard, me on my knees between her legs and just sliding so slowly in and out of her. Letting her see, letting her hear how much I fucking love being inside of her, every breath punctuated by words which speak this truth. And I know when the tone changes, recognising the look which comes across her face. Losing the wonderment to be replaced by plain and simple horny. Her own mind shutting off from sentiment to trip back to her want, take and have days. Making me feel like I may be the one on top, but she is still the one in control, my breathing becoming harsher by the second as the sensation of her own fingers tickling across my skin becomes all that I am aware of.
Like torches that scorch my senses. My thighs quivering with the awareness of her touch so sure against me. And I push into her harder. Not thinking anymore about wanting her to watch me, just knowing that we’re approaching the place where thoughts no longer exist, just me and Faith.
My body melts against her when she finds the entrance to my pussy, her free hand sliding behind my back to guide me down onto her fingers, her mouth offering words which speak about wet and hot, and how much she loves me like this. And I think I’m telling her that I love her too, my own hand trying to keep rhythm inside of her as she fucks me so damn expertly. A curved touch which glides against a spot which I never knew existed before I felt her touch, her breath hot as she reaches forwards to take my nipple between her lips.
“Oh god Faith.”
I throw my head back because it is all that I can do, arching into her, arching against her, riding her, fucking her.
“Come on B, come on baby…” Her words are coming out sharp from her lips, her own body trying to arch itself up off of the bed to bring a touch even tighter, a thrust that falls even deeper. I know she’s sliding close, I know that nothing makes her come as hard as when we fuck together, and it drives me straight to the same place. Nothing existing outside of this room, beyond the door, just the here and the now.
My body sweating as I move hard against her, every muscle tensing in preparation for release. I feel as her grip tightens around me, my thigh banging hard against the hand that holds her, my head dropping forwards now to claim her lips in a kiss. More than a kiss. Her tongue duelling with mine, her lips crushing, the tingling that begins in my clit reaching out to ignite sparks all across my body. And I hold on tighter. Ripping my mouth away from the kiss to bury in her neck, my arm aching with the force of the thrusts I’m still delivering, until each spark becomes a full on forest fire, my body shuddering with the strength of the blaze. All through me, all through her, heart pounding, mouth panting. Yet still riding. Still giving. A whole fucking wave of orgasms shattering through my system, each cry muting itself in her neck, her own cries sounding loud against my chest. Oh god Faith. Oh god.
Aware of nothing but the way that her body connects with mine, sinking as I am sinking, her hand steadying inside of me until we’re no longer fucking, but we’re both still there. Still here. Wrapped in warmth.
She slides down the bed now so as she can lay on her back, sighing as she takes her fingers from my pussy, sighing harder as I take my hand from hers. “Did I say that you could move B?”
Heavy husky tones which deliver the words without opening her eyes. A small satisfied smile curving upwards from her lips.
“Do I need permission?”
I lay my body across hers, my thigh resting between her thighs, my lips dipping forward to place kisses across her collarbone. As for the hand in question, I use that to trace that little smirk which sits upon her lips, offering her the taste of Faith. It makes her open her eyes to me, makes her tickle the tips of my fingers with her tongue.
“No B, not permission, what you need is a medal.”
My eyebrows flick up in query, “A medal?”
“Sure thing girlfriend, where did you learn to fuck like that?”
And you have to laugh at her sometimes. Making me flush with the compliment, yet still well aware of where the compliment’s heading back to. Pulling my hand away from her lips now to tangle up inside of her hair, trying to tame it into a style of respectability.
“Where did I learn?” She’s smirking wider as she awaits her name. Nodding along to my words. “Well, you know, I didn’t wanna say anything before Faith… but with Wills, and me, and the whole best friend thing… it’s like you thought… ”
“No way!”
The smirk has been replaced by shock, disbelief making her mouth gasp wide for oxygen.
“No, no way, but it’ll teach ya for being so cocky!” Now she just looks injured. “Aw, come on Faith, you know that you’re the best a girl can get, and yes, I admit… you taught me everything that I know.”
And she did in all reality. Before Faith my only conquests included Angel, which was so damn long ago and so damn tragic that I barely remember anything about it. And then Parker. And then Riley. And then Spike. My taste has sure improved since I hit on the girls brigade.
“I guess I should get the medal then, right B?”
And she’s straight on back to cocky. Maybe laced with a slight edge of exhausted. I lift myself up to kiss her lips, the faintest taste from my fingers still deposited there, enough to make me suck her bottom lip between mine. “Will that do?”
“Better than a medal.” She yawns as she says it, running her hand through the hair I had just made respectable. Lots of exhaustion.
“You tired still?”
“Kinda energised, kinda fucked, still fading fast.”
My sentiments exactly.
“Sleep?”
“For a week?”
“More like two hours.” She smiles at the loss of an hour, much better spent than sleeping. Her arm wrapping tight around me, bringing me in as close she can. I rest my head on her shoulder, my eyes closing as they start to lose the fight against the sleep.
“Thanks Buffy.”
Just a whisper across the top of my head. It has me opening my eyes again though, lifting my face a little to look up into her eyes. “What for?”
“Making it better, making me better. I needed that.” I lean up for another kiss.
“Love you.” She smiles again at my words, and I close my eyes feeling like the luckiest girl ever. Special for so many different reasons other than the chosen kind. Perfectly happy here in our sanctuary, everything bad left on the other side of the door. Still there and still waiting. But not here. Nothing here except us.
POV Buffy.
Sometimes when I dream it feels prophetic, visions seen through a sleepy haze which hold a solid form, faces, places, all seeping through to my conscious to let me know that I should pay attention. That the details I am being shown are details that I need to take note of. Things which I need to remember. It is like that because I am the slayer. Half bites offered to me from the PTB as some kind of aid in saving the world. Usually the aids are not so good, maybe a fleeting glimpse of a hell bound beast, the harrowing cry of a power hungry master vamp, but even so I know to take note. That when I feel that way about a dream, then it has to mean something important.
The way that I feel right now.
Or ‘maybe’ the way that I feel right now. I’m not sure, I’m confused. Trying to catch the curveball. Never in all my years as a slayer has a dream which felt this way been so comforting or so peaceful. So completely different to what I am used to. And yet it felt so real. I could taste the air as I breathed it in, I could feel the sun as it shone down upon me, and I could feel with absolute certainty the way that her fingers stroked their way across my skin. Not hidden from the bad times within the sanctuary of my bedroom, but outside in a world where bad times didn’t exist. Cradled together and watching a sunset which spoke of so much more than the beasties which the sunset always brings. Everything which me and Faith can never have. And yet it felt so real.
My breath holds tight in my throat as I watch her sleeping next to me, my heart breaking with the knowledge of every easy time we won’t ever experience, all of the things which we are bound by destiny to miss. I would love so much to give her peace, to hold her in the comfort of my arms and not have to worry about what the future holds for us. To watch her sleeping like this and not have to wake her to face the demons which I believe in more than any dream.
It almost feels as if I am tempting fate by even thinking this way, by letting my thoughts wander to all of the things which I desire the most. Peace and comfort and Faith. But I didn’t invite the dream, it was just there, waiting for me. Whispering words into my ears about happiness and fulfilment, assuring me with moving images that all of this could be ours. Would be ours. But it can’t be ours.
I don’t have a clue what the PTB are playing at, if there’s a message hidden somewhere in the beauty of all that they showed to me, but I do know that I’m not falling for it. I’ve seen way too much to buy into the thought of a happy ending, I know way too much to ever believe in the dream. And if they were trying to buoy my spirit for the fight by flashing me the future that I can never have, then they have failed miserably.
It’s times like these when I hate my calling, when I want to flip a finger up to the whole freaking legacy and tell it to take a hike. Faith’s words of just a job mean so little in the harsh light of day, when the simple thought of taking a vacation is enough to send my mood crashing down into despondency. You get vacation time with a job, you don’t get a vacation from life. So tell me, slaying… is it really not my life?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I can’t complain when already I have so much more than what I believed I would ever have, but I will not be tricked into believing that there is more. Happiness is a day to day thing around here, balancing precariously on a scale where just one slip the other way means that everything has gone bad again. It is not something that can be gained from resting on a beach with my partner in my arms watching the sight of a beautiful sunset. No. It shouldn’t even register as a dream, it means less to me than a wayward fantasy. An illusion.
An illusion that felt so real.
I vow somewhere in my mind to take it to Giles, to ask him if a slayer ever had dreams which showed a promise of a better time, and more importantly, did those better times ever arrive? I expect that he won’t know the answer though, that he’ll cluck a little and wipe his glasses, switch his tone to paternal as he says, Well Buffy, nothing that the slayer dreams tell us is ever that conclusive. And then he’ll get that sad little look in his eyes which tells me he is wishing that he could offer me something different, that he could deliver all of the futures that he knows I’ll never enjoy. Maybe I won’t ask him. Maybe I’ll forget the taste of the sea breeze against my tongue, the warmth of a perfect sunset against my skin. I don’t know if I can forget though the feeling of euphoria that existed in the dream when I realised that I was done. That I was finished. That I could rest. Peace and comfort and Faith.
I watch her eyelids flicker now and wonder what she is seeing in her dreams. Whether the PTB have decided to fuck about with her reality in the same way that they were doing to me. Then again, Faith would see it different of course. She would wake up with an abundance of the smiles and dimples, would probably smother me in her arms and tell me all about the little mind trip she had taken with me to a place which was all peaceful and idyllic. Or she’d be bitching about the lack of fighting action. Either way, she would not be letting a simple dream fill her mind with thoughts all doom and gloomful. Always optimistic. Everything will always be okay.
The tiny tap against the bedroom door tears my eyes away from my prize, my finger going up to my lips as Dawn pokes her head slowly round the opening door.
“Sorry Buffy, I just wondered if you were awake yet.”
I smile to let her know that it’s okay, that I was already awake. My mouth opening to produce a whisper, quiet so as not to disturb Faith. “Just give me a minute Dawnie, I’ll be right there.”
She shuts the door again and I take it as my cue to rise, gathering some easy clothes from the drawer and making myself respectable for the world. My hair secured firmly in a pony tail, the same old Buffy smile plastered masterfully upon my face. I can’t help pausing before I turn to leave though, one final moment in the sanctuary that me and Faith had created, a final memory of the dream prickling tears at the back of my eyes. I would give anything to know peace with Faith. I would give anything to live the dream with her.
When I open the door, Dawn is there and waiting, kicking her heels against the floor in a blatant show of teenage impatience.
“Is everything okay?”
“Huh, yeah.” She stops kicking long enough to answer me, “Giles sent me up to get you guys, he wants to go over plans, what you want to do, blah blah blah…”
“You woke me up for ‘blah blah blah’?”
“No, there were words, but I forget them.” She shrugs her shoulders, “Plus you said you were already awake.”
“I was, kind of.” I turn to lead the way down the stairs, confident that she will follow. “What happened with Kennedy, did Giles spar with her?”
“No, Angel did. I think they’re still down there, maybe you can go join them, beat her up a little bit…”
“Dawn!”
It’s not just her words that have me turning on the stairs, but the bitterness that sits in her tone. The will to inflict pain. Her eyes when I catch them are full of defiance, as if she is daring me to argue with her, to tell her that she is wrong. And I do not have a clue what is going on.
“Why would you want me to beat up Kennedy?”
Her nose screws up a little, obvious distaste gracing her face. “Why wouldn’t I want you to?”
And that doesn’t help.
“Am I missing something here?” Because it sure feels like I am. Maybe a couple of days ago my cautious nature would have called for a little of the physical violence, but now I’m rooted firmly on the side of protection. “Has Kennedy upset you?”
Her face is still a raging ball of up most contempt. Her arms folding tight across her chest, her head shaking fast on those young shoulders of hers. “Everything was just starting to settle down! Everyone was just starting to get happy!” She shouts her words out with enough force to make me stumble down another step, her arms leaving her chest to remonstrate with her hands. “And then she comes along and now everything is gonna be crap again!”
Wow. And huh?
“Things aren’t crap Dawn.” She rolls her eyes in disagreement. “Hey, they’re not. Sure we’ve got to deal with the council, but it’s nothing that we can’t handle. This is just a blip okay, a little hiccup on the road to happiness. You can’t blame Kennedy for that.”
“I saw the way she was looking at Willow.”
Oh.
“Well she was probably just being friendly.”
She rolls her eyes at me again, and I have to remember that she’s not four anymore.
“That was not friendly, she looked like she wanted to eat her, she probably does want to eat her.” Yep, definitely not four anymore. “She’s trouble Buffy, and I don’t like her.”
Her eyes are still daring me to disagree, and at the moment I just don’t have the energy to do it. Instead I try and diffuse her rage with a smile, a sisterly touch to the shoulder, words which beg to bring comfort. “It’ll be fine, don’t worry. Faith is going to speak to Kennedy about Wills and Tara, explain how off limits it is. I’m sure that once she knows the deal we won’t be getting anymore X-rated staring contests…”
“There’d better not be, because I swear, if she even thinks that she’s gonna mess with them two, then I’ll be the one beating her up. I mean it Buffy, she better watch herself.”
I turn my touch to placating, raising my fingers to run through her hair, tucking it back behind an ear. “If she messes with them, then we’ll both beat her up,” it makes her smile just a little. “but until then lets try and give her a go, okay?”
And that stops the smiling. “I don’t want to, I want her to go. Why can’t anything ever just be good, why does something always have to mess it up?”
“You think I have an answer to that?”
“It’s not fair.”
I want to say ‘welcome to the world’, but I won’t. I may not believe in the happy ending, but I refuse to ruin the vision for her. Not yet. “I know it’s not fair Dawnie, god knows we all need a little breather from the hard times, but this is just the way things are right now. I’m sure once we’ve gotten this all sorted out things will settle down, we can all get on with being happy…”
“Whatever.”
Did she just ‘whatever’ me?
“You what?”
“You don’t believe that anymore than I do. Things never settle down around here. There’s always something going wrong. Maybe I should take bets on it and get rich, take odds on whose gonna die next.”
“Dawn…”
“What? You think it won’t happen?”
I have no idea where all of this is coming from, but I know that it hurts to hear it. Death is something that I worry about, I do not want Dawn to bear the worry too. “I know it won’t happen. Not this time Dawn, it’s not like that. No one is going to be dying.”
If I could make the words more valid by shouting them, then I would. But I know that I have no control over death, who it comes for and when, so I let my voice go soft instead. Cajoling her into believing me.
“Excuse me if I don’t believe you,” And I guess the cajoling didn’t work. “but that might have something to do with the fact that everybody just keeps on dying. Mom, you, Faith, nearly Tara… even Spike…”
“Spike was already dead AND he was kinda evil.”
“Not to me he wasn’t.”
“He was helping Warren!” My head is shaking in disbelief. I know that my relationship with Spike doesn’t define everyone’s relationship with Spike, and I know that they were… close, when I was… dead, but still. “He was evil Dawn.”
“So what? He’s still dead, gone. Whatever.” She goes to walk around me on the stairs, her tone still a little bitter, her eyes closing off from me.
“Dawn, wait.”
“What for? So you can pretend that everything’s going to be okay some more?”
“I’m not pretending.”
I’m not. I try and hang onto that thought as she slides a disdainful look over me. Pulling herself up to her full height, flicking her hair in a way that I swear Cordy has taught to her. Dismissing me. “Maybe I’d believe you if you could say it like you meant it.”
My mouth gapes as she turns from me again. Wanting so much to dispute the fact more, but not knowing the right words to say, the way to bring truth to things which maybe I don’t believe in. Things do have a real unhealthy way of going bad around here. I can’t dispute that fact. I can’t promise her a happy ending.
I stand my ground resigned to letting her walk away disenchanted, sighing deep as Willow comes into view. I catch the confused look that she offers Dawn as she storms on past her, a look that continues until it settles upon me.
“What’s up with Dawnie?”
“Life.”
“Huh?”
I think about how to unravel her confusion, how to state the way that my sister is feeling. “I think she’s lost her faith in happy endings Wills, she’s started seeing life exactly the way it is.”
“Well that sounds pretty gloomy.”
Tell me about it. I can only give her a shrug of my shoulders, another shake of the head. “She’s waiting for the next bad thing to happen, the next person she cares about to die. She’s come to expect it, I guess that does feel kinda gloomy.”
“What did you say to her?”
And another shrug of the shoulders. “What can I say? I can’t promise her bad things won’t happen, I can’t promise that no one is going to die…”
“And you used to be a cheerleader?” Her serious face holds for just a second until her mouth turns up into a smile. “Did your team lose a lot?”
“Very funny Wills, but I don’t think the pom poms and splits would’ve worked on Dawnie. She’s pretty upset, I don’t think anything except an end to all of the bad times is gonna convert her back to happy.”
“Do you want me to speak to her?”
“You can try. Although a spell to end all of the crap might work better.”
“If only.” She gives me a wistful look as I make it to the bottom of the stairs, immediately linking her arm through mine, launching into a quick spate of chatter. “What about you, are you okay? Although I guess with the council stuff it’s not really okay. Kinda crazy maybe, but not okay. And what about Kennedy huh? What’s your thoughts on Kennedy?”
I think that here’s a girl that needs to breathe. “Slow down Wills, my ears can only compute a certain amount of words per second…”
“Right. Slow. So?”
“Huh?”
“Kennedy?”
“Right.”
Kennedy. What to say? “She’s okay, I think. Obviously scared of the council, a little wild around the edges, but she seems nice enough.”
“Nice?” Her arm breaks away from mine, and she places her hands upon her hips. “Did you see the way she was looking at me Buffy!?” And I’m pretty sure that everybody saw. “Because that was not about nice, that was about… naughty! A whole honking heap of naughty.” My eyes are getting dizzy as she starts to pace in front of me. All huffing and puffing. All sorts of tense. “It’s crazy! She made me feel so…”
“Horny?”
The voice from behind makes me turn in a spin. Smiling at Faith’s cocky grin, flushing as she shoots me a wink.
“No! Not horny Faith. I was going to say violated. It was… indecent.”
I close my eyes on Willow’s disgruntled look, and concentrate only on the feel of Faith’s lips on my neck. Just a slight whisper as she comes to stand next to me. A shiver sliding deliciously across the full length of my body, warm tingles tickling each of my senses. Her voice when it comes is still heavy with sleep, wrapping around my ears, inducing me to feel good.
“Lighten up Red, she was only checking out the goodies. Take it as a compliment, ride with it.”
“Ride with it?” Disbelief has partnered disgruntled now. Both of them fighting for dominance on her face. “I don’t want to ride with anything. You have to speak to her, make her stop.”
I’m trying to ignore the feeling of Faith’s fingers as they slide to their place at the small of my back, tiny teasing circles of touches, totally distracting.
“Buffy?”
“What? Uh… sure! Faith’s gonna talk to her, aren’t you baby?”
I reach my hand behind me to take hers, bringing it down to a safer place, my mind trying to focus on Will’s worries.
“Sure am B. Although only if you’re certain Red? Ken’s a nice slice of honey pie, be a shame not to sample a taste.”
I watch as Willow begins to go into shock right in front of me, knowing that if I turned my head to catch Faith’s eyes they would be winking and leering, teasing to the max. I squeeze her hand tighter to persuade her to lay off. For now. “Calm down Will, Faith didn’t mean it. Of course she’ll talk to her, and of course she’ll tell her to back off. Quit worrying.”
“Right, quit worrying.” She says it like she doesn’t mean it. “I can do that. Just talk to her Faith, tell her. If Tara saw her looking at me like that then…”
“Like what sweetie?”
“Tara!”
Oh god. We all turn our attention the newcomer’s way, no doubt all of us feeling as if we had just been caught with our hands in the cookie jar. Wondering what she heard. What she’s thinking. Willow is the first to recover, rushing over to Tara’s side, babbling complete nonsense to try and cover the previous conversation.
“We were just saying about the council stuff baby, all kinds of crazy, and Buff’s gonna talk to Ken about the spell stuff some more, maybe get some clues for us to conjure with…”
“Willow, breathe.” The look that Tara is giving her is all about the smiles. A Tara special. Lighting up her features, lighting up the room. “I know what you were talking about, and you don’t have to worry.”
“I don’t?”
“No way. Kennedy can look all she wants to sweetie, but it doesn’t mean she gets to touch.” Her hand is sliding up to cup Will’s face, her thumb rubbing gently across her cheek. “Only I get to touch.”
I wonder if I should look away as they start to kiss, whether it is rude to stare. Whether it is wrong to feel stirrings of the horny kind as they begin to let the passion boil over.
“Fuck me B, that’s hot.”
“Uh-huh.”
“You wanna pop back upstairs?”
And uh-huh again. It’s almost as if they have forgotten that we are in the room. And staring. The kiss going from deep and meaningful, to soft and nibbling. Two matching sighs of contentment breaking from their lips.
“Hey, slow down there girls, anymore of that and you’ll be sparking an orgy.” Faith moves from my side to head over to the witches, reaching out her hand to test the heat of their skin, blowing the burn from her fingers when she finds them to be scorching. “And I wouldn’t let Ken catch you, she’ll be giving you both the ‘fuck me’ eyes if she catches a glimpse of that little show.”
I expect them to look embarrassed as they break slowly apart, but they only look energised. Secret smiles being exchanged, little touches of fingers that keep them connected even as they turn to face me.
“She does have nice eyes.”
Does she? I don’t ask, I just shake my head at Tara’s devilish expression, wonder when all of my friends turned into such hussies.
“She has a pretty wicked ass too, maybe the pair of ya should give her a little workout, ease her stress levels,” I watch Faith’s eyebrows as they dance seductively in time with her words, and I know. My friends have all become hussies since Faith returned here. Her sexuality oozing out to encompass us all in the feel good factor, her own wicked hot vibe working wonders on all that we used to repress. “I’m sure she’d appreciate it, could be fun.”
“Faith…”
“It’s okay baby, Faith is just playing.” Tara offers Willow another of those smiles to ease her still worried expression. “No one gets to join in our fun times, not even if their ass is tight enough to crack walnuts.”
I catch Faith’s wink from across the room, smile myself as she throws her arms around each of the witch’s shoulders. “I guess I will have to talk to her then, let her know which lines not to cross.”
“No, it’s okay.”
“It is? You reconsidering already Tara?”
“No, but I can talk to her myself.” It’s an unexpected statement, and one which floods Will’s eyes with the worry some more.
“Maybe you should leave it to Faith, you know… being that Kennedy’s a slayer, and all tough with the grrrr...”
“No Willow, Faith has enough to worry about without having to play bodyguard to my girlfriend,” She mimics some kind of uh… god, what is that? A girly punch move? “And I can be all grrrr if I need to be. You’re my girl, and I’m more than capable of telling Kennedy that fact myself.”
Go Tara! Although she may have a problem if it comes to the actual exchange of punches. I’ve seen Andrew throw better ones than that.
I settle myself down onto the arm of the sofa and just watch as they continue the chat about being butch and brave and warning off a big bad slayer. Faith is feeding them ammunition at every opportunity, cracking funnies and offering sound bites. Her greatest suggestion being that the witches take away Kennedy’s attraction with a little bit of conjuring. It’s all jovial, all enjoyable, and it all proves that I needn’t have been so worried about Tara’s reaction to the look. She has a cool head, a calm head, a head much better suited to the squashing of the jealousy than mine. I envy her. I’d have definitely been wallowing in the grrr already if that look had touched upon Faith.
“You spazzing out again B?”
It’s a surprise when my gaze comes back into focus on a room that holds only me and Faith. The witches gone. And yes, I guess I was spazzing.
“Sorry, thinking again. Where’d…”
“Upstairs, they had some urgent ‘texty goodness’ to get down with.” She walks closer to me, the dimples in her cheeks out in full force. “Apparently Giles wants to get some order to our thoughts, discuss what our plans are gonna be…”
“We have plans?”
“I’m empty. I wanna say wipe ‘em all out, but my redemption won’t allow it.” She fakes a sigh, but the dimples are still there.
“You want me to say it?”
“Could work.” I edge along the sofa to make room for her ass. “It’s the only idea I have at the mo. Maybe the others came up with something while we were sleeping.”
“Maybe.”
My thoughts flash instantly back to the dream I had when sleeping. My vision. The peace that I had found there. Weariness settling over me again with the realisation that I am so far away from ever achieving that.
“Hey, you okay?”
“Yeah.” I smile to assure her, take the offered place inside her arms. “It’d just be nice to not have to make plans for a while. Dawn’s pissed, obsessing over the latest bad…”
“But it’s all gonna be cool, we lay down the law to the council, then I’m figuring it’s chill out time. I’ll talk to her, make her see the sunny side.”
“Good luck with that.”
“You don’t think I can do it?”
“I think that Dawn’s a tough nut to crack. I just wish that I could give her the better times. She’s been through enough already, suffered enough…”
I don’t realise how my head has fallen despondent until I feel her fingers under my chin, raising it back up again, urging me to turn and look at her. Her dimples still on show, softness in her eyes. “Why is it that we have to keep carrying each other out of the dumps B?”
I don’t have an answer, just a shrug of the shoulders.
“Serious, if it’s not me dwelling in the depths, then it’s you.”
Again I’m tempted to put it down to life, to let the gloomy thoughts take control, but I know that that won’t wash with Faith. The girl who always puts a cheerful spin on everything for me.
“I guess things have just been pretty crappy lately.”
“It’s not all been bad.” Her eyes are still holding the softness for me, drawing me in. The arm around my shoulder tightening as she presses a gentle kiss to my lips, pulling away and still keeping the dimples.
“No Faith, not all bad.”
I could lose myself in those eyes. I want to. Because somehow everything always seems better, doable, when she looks at me this way. Comforting me with love. It’s almost enough to have me speaking of my dream, testing the water with the vision I had seen, sharing with her my desire to just be at peace.
The moment is stolen by the arrival of Giles, his frazzled expression not changing as he begins to speak, the glasses in his hand punctuating his words. “Girls, your up. I take it that you slept well?”
We both nod, settling back to hear what he has to say.
“I’ve spoken to my contacts in England, and it seems that the council are due to arrive tomorrow morning. I suggest that whatever it is you are both wanting to do, you share with us sooner, rather than later.” And now we both offer blank expressions. “You do have a plan?”
“Actually Giles, we were kinda hoping that you might’ve come up with a plan while we were sleeping.” I rise from the sofa arm and make my way over to him. “Because the closest that we have is wiping them all out, and I’m not sure that that’s such a viable option. Which is a shame.”
He narrows his eyes on my last comment, but I know that behind me Faith will be smiling.
“No Buffy, ‘wiping out’ humans is still out of bounds, no matter what they have done.”
“Like I said, it’s a shame.”
“Sure is B, seems to me like they’re gonna get away with what they’ve done. It’s not right.” I feel as she comes to stand next to me, leaning up against the wall and crossing her arms over her chest. Her gaze directing solely at Giles.
“I really don’t know what to suggest. There is no way to persecute them for their actions, other than to prevent it from happening again…”
“But that’s bullshit! How the fuck will we know if they do it again? Man, they could already be doing it, working out replacements for Ken.”
It’s something that I have already wondered at. If there’s young girls out there now being plucked from their homes to be herded like cattle by the council. Tortured, trained and killed.
“The witches are confident that they can work the same spells as the council, and I have to agree. Willow’s power surpasses anything I have seen before, and working with Tara she is much better able to control that power.”
“Which means?” I don’t mean to be slow, but he does need to spell it out.
“It means that at the very least we can locate these ‘potentials’, just as readily as the council can. Perhaps afford them some level of protection.”
Now Faith pushes herself off from the wall she had leant against, shaking her head, her hands wiping the strain from her face. “And how the fuck do you suggest we protect them Giles? Last count I had three slayers, and that’s assuming that Kennedy’s gonna want to stick with us once we’ve dealt with this shit, how do you suppose that three of us can locate and look after an infinite number of potentials?”
It has Giles taking his glasses into hand again, sighing onto the lenses and then rubbing with all his might. “I don’t know.”
“That’s it?”
“I’m sorry Faith, but yes. Locating the potentials is as far as we have gotten, I was rather hoping that you and Buffy may have some ideas to move us along.” Cue more blank looks from me. “Time is of the essence, I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of that.”
I want to sigh myself, but apparently I don’t have the time. Instead I turn my look to Faith, watching as she takes her bottom lip between her teeth in something resembling a pensive pose. Her hands running through her hair now as she searches for a solution that eludes the rest of us.
“Can’t the witches do that cloaking shit? You know, hide them from the council or something?”
“Pardon me?”
“Hide their essence, or whatever the mumbo jumbo speak is.”
He takes his time considering, but I know what he thinks. I know his looks. Right now his look is bordering on astonished. “I think you may have hit upon something Faith. We’ve been so busy considering how to locate the potentials, that the idea of hiding them hadn’t even crossed our minds.” Now his look is blatant approval. “Good job, very good job.”
He turns and walks from the room muttering unheard words to himself, no more words offered to us, just fixing his thoughts on what he can do next. Always thinking, always busy. I wonder if sometimes he just wishes for peace too, if that’s what drove him from Sunnydale the time when he had left us.
“You think it’ll work B?”
“Not a clue, I’m about as knowledgeable with the magics as I am with the cooking. Which when you think about it, they both involve ingredients and mixing, so it’s not so surprising.”
“Your cooking isn’t that bad.” She smirks as I come in closer, edging her back against the wall, my hands resting either side of head, pinning her in.
“It was great thinking though Faith. And here was me assuming that you were just a pretty face.”
“Aw, you think I’m pretty?”
Her eyebrows are dancing for me now, her hands coming up to close around my back, the teasing circles beginning again across my spine.
“Pretty damn fantastic I’d say.”
“I like what you say.”
I lean the last inch forward to bring my lips to hers, my tongue tasting the flavour of minty fresh breath, my body feeling the force of being pulled hard against her. Hands grabbing tight on my ass, fingers sliding underneath the rim of my pants to spark my skin into instant arousal.
“Huh hum!” And oh look, Giles came back. “Sorry to interrupt the planning, but if you wouldn’t mind calling the witches down please, I think that we have some rather important things to be getting on with.”
He is trying to look displeased, but it just isn’t working. His eyes already alight with the plans which are forming in his own mind. Direction given courtesy of Faith.
“Sure thing G, though I have to tell ya that my good ideas flow much better when I’m in the process of getting some, you really shouldn’t interrupt.”
“If that were the case Faith, you would be a genius when it comes to ideas.”
And even in my semi-morose state I have to laugh a little at the pose she strikes now, not sure whether to be injured by his words, or preening herself with the insinuation that she is always often getting some. In the end she settles on wounded with a big slice of smiling. “If I wasn’t such a good person Giles, I’d retract my idea and leave ya with nothing. As it is, I’m just gonna go rustle up the witches instead, I bet they give me the appreciation I deserve.”
“I’m sure that they will.”
My smile stays firm even as she blows out an extended sigh and turns to go to the stairs, the whole time talking about under valued, great ideas, and the interruption to her getting some.
“She really is something special, isn’t she Buffy?”
With her slayer senses, she can probably still hear exactly what he just said, and by the look in his eye I know that he knows that. He is just paying her the dues that she deserves in a way that she’ll accept without answering back with a joke or a cocky turn of phrase.
“Yes Giles, the specialist.”
He nods and smiles out his approval to me, his arm going behind my back as he turns and leads me into the kitchen, the table where the happy researchers sit.
“Hey Buffster, you’ve come to join us!” Xander puts down his book as I enter the room, taking any excuse to not be reading. “You sleep well, all rested and raring?”
“Ask her if they had good sex, we all know that that’s much more likely than them sleeping.”
“Thanks Anya, it was fantastic.” I pass my eyes over her to settle back on Xander. “And the sleep was good too. How about you guys, learn anything worth knowing?”
“The gestation period of a Yuungerma demon is twenty six weeks long, and their level of production is a minimum of ten offspring per litter…”
“Thanks Xan, worth getting up for.”
He gives me the thumbs up and returns to the book, sieving through all of the useless stuff in the hope of just one nugget of solidly good information jumping out to bite him on the ass. We both know that it’s not likely here though. That the only ones who can really do anything are the witches. It’s not demons we’re fighting, not this time.
“Where’s Dawn?”
Anya answers me, putting aside her ‘Good Bride’ guide to point towards the door. “They went out shopping. Dawn was being effusive with the insufferable, so they’ve gone for retail therapy. It seems as if I’m not the only one who gets comfort from the exchange of goods for money.”
“Oh right… and no one thought to tell me they were going out?”
“Dawn said you wouldn’t mind. We assumed that you were still having sex, our bad.”
I let that one slip, not having the energy or the inclination to care about Anya’s over-obsessive interest in my sex life. Caring only that Dawn had felt the need to get away from the house, from me. From Kennedy.
“Where’s Kennedy, still sparring?”
I train my ears to hear below, but I hear nothing.
“Yeah Buff, her and Angel have been down there for hours. Maybe she’s got a vamp fetish too.”
I shoot Xander the look that he deserves for that little comment, and turn to go to the basement. I know I’m meant to wait for the planning committee, but I just don’t wanna sit and stare at the books. I can always say that I was collecting Kennedy for the conference, that I felt it was important that we included her every step of the way. I smile at my cover story as I walk the steps down, coming to rest as my gaze falls upon them, what they are doing.
I go to speak, to say something, but Angel raises his hand to stop me. Quieting me with his eyes, insisting that I wait until Kennedy has finished. And so I stay quiet, observant. My breathing seeming to hear hers and falling into rhythm alongside it. Meditative breaths. Her body supported upside down on her hands, her eyes closed, her chest rising and falling in long steady motions. I think it’s the most calm that I have ever seen the basement. Her legs pointing straight up to the ceiling, nothing on her face except composed concentration.
And she IS a hottie. I admit it. No longer feeling threatened by it, I can step back and appreciate. Noting without thinking the steady flow of her muscles under skin, the way that they strain in the position she is holding. Definitely hot. Both her and the position.
I don’t know what to say when she suddenly flips herself back to standing and catches me staring. Sure that she saw some obvious appreciation in my eyes.
“Buffy, you been there long?”
“Nope, just came down to grab you and Angel, there’s some things that we need to go over… maybe a plan, maybe an idea for a plan.” My words are coming out quick, and I pause to take a breath, to calm myself. “Are you finished down here?”
She turns and looks at Angel, nods a definite yes. “I’m starving hungry, is it okay to eat something?”
“Help yourself to whatever we have, I’ll be up in a sec, I just need Angel for minute.”
I watch as she walks the stairs, moving over to stand with Angel, to gather his thoughts on our newest sister slayer.
“So what do you think?”
“No time for small talk?”
I smile my apology, soften my features. “Sorry, I’m just all caught up in the crap of the moment. How are you?”
And now he smiles. “Better than I thought I’d be. I guessed that being back in Sunnydale would be hard, that seeing you so much would be hard.”
“And it’s not hard?”
Of course I know that it isn’t.
“No, it’s good. It’s great to see you happy, it’s great to see Faith happy. It’s even nice to be away from the city for a while. I like what we have there, but it’s nice to take a break.”
“Nice break, complete with demons and asses.”
He concedes the point with an agreeing nod of his head, rebukes it with his words. “A change is as good as a holiday Buffy, you must have heard that before.”
“I suppose. Not really sure that I remember holidays though.”
Again I flashback to my dream, to the peace and the tranquillity, to everything that was so many miles from what I experience everyday of existence.
“What was that thing you had Kennedy doing? The upside down thing?”
Because that had looked both peaceful and tranquil.
“Just meditation. She’s full of rage and anger, there’s no point in trying to spar with her like that, she’ll only hurt herself or someone else.”
“Why upside down?”
“She refuses to sit still long enough to meditate the usual way. At least that way she is working her muscles at the same time she is exercising her mind.”
I can imagine that she wouldn’t sit still for long. She has that edge about her. Jumpy from what she has been through, from having to keep watch over her shoulder. “What do you think of her, aside from the fighting side?”
“It’s hard to see below her bitterness Buffy. I’d be concerned about that, worried about her self control…”
“Like Faith?”
I don’t have to spell things out to Angel, he knows what I mean. That I mean the Faith that raised merry hell the first time around, not the Faith who lives here now.
“Similar maybe. Different drives though. Faith was driven purely by her feelings, a need to feel accepted and wanted, to make people notice her existence…”
“And Kennedy?”
“She’s pissed as hell at the world. She wants revenge, justice. The power is still new to her, the responsibility that comes with it.”
“What do you suggest?” It feels so nice being able to defer to someone who has as much knowledge as Angel, someone that I trust to guide me along in the right direction.
“First thoughts would be to keep her away from the council when they arrive. She’ll shoot first and ask questions later,” Faith’s arm could vouch for that. “Once you’ve resolved the issues with them, then I don’t know. You could offer her a home here, but I doubt that she’d take it. She’s young. She’s full of passion.”
“So we just cut her lose? Send her out with a cross bow and tell her to be good?”
“I could take her to LA.” The way that he speaks it tells me that he has been considering this one in his head. No sudden burst as if he has just thought of it, but measured tones, offering me a possible solution. “With Faith here now, we could use the extra hands, especially slayer hands. And I could work with her, try and get that spirit a little bit more controlled.”
He looks at me and awaits my opinion, giving me the time to consider what he has said. “In theory I like it, but that doesn’t mean that Kennedy will. We’ll try and keep her calm while we deal with the council, and then after that we’ll discuss her future. We’ll offer her a home here, and if she refuses that, then we’ll offer LA.” It makes sense to me as I say it, and I’m glad that I stopped to have this little chat. Putting another of my worries down to rest. “One thing though Angel… it has to be her choice. Nothing we do can make it seem like we’re forcing her… she’s had enough of that. Whatever she decides she wants to do, we have to support her decision.”
“That’s fine by me Buffy.”
We both look up as the door opens above us, as Faith comes into view on the stairs.
“This looks cosy.” She waves her hand between the two of us as she makes her way down. “Not interrupting am I?”
And all I can do is roll my eyes at her. “Yes Faith, god only knows what would’ve happened if you hadn’t come in just then.”
“Well girl, don’t let me stop ya.” Her face splits into a mega watt grin as she throws an arm around my shoulder. “Although Giles is getting all antsy with the wanting to plan. He’ll probably blow a gasket if ya take too long.”
“It’s okay Faith, I think that we’re done here.” I agree with Angel’s words, leaning my body back into Faith to feel her warmth, a stolen second before we ascend to the serious times above. Smiling as her arm leaves my shoulder to link her fingers between mine, pulling me over to the stairs.
I don’t know if the plan to cloak the potentials with magic will work, I don’t know if we’ll be able to tame and tether Kennedy’s justifiable rage and anger, but I do know that with the people who stand by my side, we have a damn good chance of achieving whatever we need to. It may not be the peace and comfort and Faith that I so desire, but it’s something, and something is so much better than nothing.
I drop her hand as we walk to the table that houses the team of willing participants, shaking off the fuzzy feelings to bring about the business persona. The one that says I’m ready to take action, that all I need is the direction to point it in. I’m just about to launch into a spirit lifting speech, words to inspire the result that we require, when a knock at the front door halts the words on my lips. An annoying thought flitting fast through my brain.
“Looks like Dawn forgot her key, I’ll get it.”
And if I had given much thought to that theory I would’ve dismissed it before I had reached the door, before I had pulled it open with a flourish to scold my sister for being so forgetful. I know she never forgets her key, I know that she would simply walk around the back if she had, and I know more than anything that shopping with her takes a hell of a lot longer than the time that she had been gone. I didn’t give much thought to the theory though, so determined was I to get back to my spirit soaring speech and planning. Nope. I opened that door with a flourish, and then I stood there with my mouth hanging open in shock. Not able to form words, not able to make sense of the vision I was seeing so much sooner than I was expecting it.
“Good afternoon Miss Summers, I take it that you have been expecting us.”
Quentin Travers. The council.
Oh crap.
...continued in chapter 41...