Here I Am
by Living Dead Girl
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc own all the characters, I'm just playing around with them.
Spoilers: Set awhile after season 5.
Author's Notes: Ok so this is my first ever fic, it's not great I know, it's quite long and mostly dealing with where the characters' lives are now. I hope to do some wee sequels, but we'll see how it goes. "" depicts speech, [ ] depicts thought.
Feedback: Yes please.

Prison. Three long years of prison. But she could only be thankful that she got out when she did, they didn't have solid evidence on half her crimes, and a bit of good behaviour on her part did the trick. Whatever, she was out now. Faith hoped that prison would give her the chance to be alone with herself, go through everything in her head, try to work something out, make some sorta sense, but half the time she tried to block it out, finding some stuff too unbearable to think about. Not that she could stop the flashbacks and dreams. Even though she felt alone, was alone, she also felt crowded and smothered, too much in her head.

It had been harder and easier for Faith than the other prisoners, for the same reason. She could beat the guards, break outta there, the others couldn't. That made her feel more at ease and less trapped, but also made it harder for her to resist lashing out and just going for it. Then again, it wasn't the prison she felt she needed to escape, it was herself. Breaking out would do her no favours, she needed to have at least one thing sorted out. Enduring her sentence gave her one less thing to be at war with, the law. And she did it. But that was the least of her problems.

Angel had been great. Man O' Rock. She stayed with him after she got out, but she didn't belong there, even though Cordelia and Wesley were showing signs of coming round, not so much forgiving her, but accepting she was there. Faith told Angel she was gonna travel a bit. But he knew exactly where she was going. Didn't try to stop her though, just a bit of advice and assurance that he wouldn't tell anyone. Angel understood what she needed to do, perhaps more than she did. So she went on her way.

And here she was.

*****

[The beautiful town of Sunnydale] Faith thought.

[Full of happy people, feel-good weather, not to mention vampires, demons and now the returned psycho slayer. Well not so much psycho anymore, more like fucked up loner seeking some kinda peace.]

"And Buffy." She said out loud.

She had called Buffy once from prison after her mom died. But when B said hello, she sounded upset and tired, like she had lost her drive, like she couldn't face another problem. So Faith didn't create one, just hung up the phone. Besides, what was she gonna say? ‘Hi sorry your mom's dead, yeah I know I held her prisoner, but hey.' Faith liked Joyce, maybe cos Joyce liked Faith, well until she went mental. But even then Joyce had sympathy for her.

Then B died, Faith heard from Angel and fell apart. She wanted to die as well, hell she even tried, but just ended up in the prison hospital. But Buffy came back, some major spell Red did. And Faith decided to keep on living too. Perhaps that's why she was in Sunnydale now, another chance before it was too late to... well, she wasn't sure what she was gonna do.

[Hmm, Willow must be a wicked powerful witch now. Mental note to self: do not piss off Red... well, no more than you already have.]

Faith decided she had pondered enough, she packed up her bag and headed to the motel. Checking her cash levels on the way, she had enough to last a few weeks, courtesy of Angel, she worked for it of course.

She smiled and laughed to herself as she thought [God, I almost love the guy, but as a friend, not like I love ‘her'.]

The brunette shook herself, as if to snap out of it. She never had friends, she didn't feel comfortable using the L word.

[How can I love anyone? Why should I? No-one ever loved me.]

Faith decided not to start thinking about her so-called family. She was tired, and they'll be in her dreams anyway along with Buffy and a few others.

She quickly got her room key and just collapsed onto the bed. She fell asleep almost right away for the first time in ages.

*****

"Bills, free sample, you have won...blah, blah, blah."

Buffy talked to herself as she flicked through the mail, until she found what she was looking for "A letter from Dawn."

Dawn had gone to a good boarding school where she could study dance and drama. Buffy wondered if it was like that TV show ‘Fame.' She got their Dad to pay fees and expenses. By bugging him constantly, and said that if he paid she'd leave him alone. So he sent the money and they haven't spoke since.

	Hey Sis, 
	How are you? I'm excellent. We are doing a stage production 
	of The Crucible, it's so cool. I got Winona Ryder's part. That major 
	biatch, Becky just got to be Mary Warren's understudy. Ha ha! I am subtly 
	rubbing her nose in it. 

	I'm dating Brian now, the guy who kept asking me out. I decided to give 
	him a chance and he's actually a lot of fun to be around. 

	Gotta run, rehearsals and stuff. Say hi to the gang for me. Talk to you 
	soon.

	Lots of love 
	Dawnie 

Buffy missed Dawn, a lot! But on the bright side, she could be young again, with no-one else in the house but herself. She could sleep in, eat junk food and stay out late. Buffy grabbed her books and headed for college.

She was doing her second year again, and things were going well. It was like old times again. Will was still there, now a post graduate, doing a bit of teaching on the side.

Even though things were good, Buffy still had an emptiness inside her, which she was beginning to suspect was caused by more than missing Dawn.

*****

Faith tipped the delivery guy and closed the door. Her stomach rumbled at the smell of pizza, she hadn't eaten all day, and it was getting quite dark now. She also hadn't left the motel room, she was waiting for nightfall. After spending all morning thinking about her action plan for Sunnydale, she decided not to approach or try to talk to Buffy. Seeing her would be enough, maybe secretly try to help her when she needed it, but always stay hidden in the shadows, and the best time for that was at night. Ok, so not the bravest thing to do, but when it came to Buffy, Faith didn't feel so brave anymore, just sorry and ashamed, besides Faith didn't want to cause her anymore grief.

Within minutes, she was full and the pizza was gone with the exception of one slice.

[Well that's tomorrow's breakfast sorted.] She thought, then snorted at how pleased she just got about it, but she didn't feel sorry for herself, what she felt towards herself was anger and hate, this was all her own fault. "I deserve to rot in hell." She said aloud.

The brunette grabbed her coat, opting not to look in the mirror as she couldn't bear it at the minute, and walked out the door.

*****

"Chicken with lemon and pepper sauce." Xander beamed pleased with himself.

Buffy laughed out loud at the thought of him cooking Anya a meal, as the three of them walked towards the cemetery.

"Hey I'll have you know that I have culinary skills that could beat any of those TV chef guys!"

"Yes, my honey is a great cook. Oh he made this chocolate sauce once, it was delicious. In fact, we liked it so much we smeared it all over our nakeOWW!!!"

Anya pulled away from Xander, pouting. "You squeezed my hand too tight, it hurt!"

"Sorry An, I just thought maybe Buffy had heard enough."

"Yes I did, thank you Xander."

"Well it was sore, and I was just saying how nice your cooking was." The ex-demon jumped round to face Buffy. "Actually sometimes when we're in public and we are talking about chocolate sauce, we are really talking about sex."

"ANYA!" Xander followed up that cry with his manliest stare.

Buffy rolled her eyes, then frowned as she suddenly better understood a chocolate sauce conversation she had over heard in the past.

"Have you not learnt anything by now from our ‘what not to say in public' talks?"

Anya gave her best puppy dog eyes.

Buffy smiled, she half suspected that Anya had learned. Maybe she felt the need to do it on purpose now, perhaps to keep Xander on his toes.

He put his arms round Anya and kissed her.

Buffy smiled. [They really love each other.] Buffy missed it, wanted it, to just have someone. She'd had opportunities to go out with boys, god she even got asked out by a few girls, but no-one could make her feel that really special feeling. She didn't get that feeling from Riley, her last serious boyfriend. Maybe she was hoping it would develop. But he was long gone, so who knows, she wasn't that bothered.

"Buffy! - Earth to Buffrick!" Xander interrupted her thoughts.

"Huh?"

"You alright? You were on a major zone out."

"Um yeah, sorry."

"Uh this is our stop, you sure you're ok to slay alone tonight?"

He nudged Anya.

"Oh yes, Xander and I can come with you."

"No thanks guys. I doubt there'll be many vamps about tonight anyway."

"Ok if you're sure. Be seein ya."

"Goodbye and take care now."

"Bye guys."

She watched them run hand in hand towards their building and sighed. [They are so sweet... God! When did I start the emotional overload?]

As she approached the cemetery she could hear some voices. She crept up and hid herself behind a statue and looked to see three vampires leaning against gravestones drinking beer.

[Not quite the challenge I would like tonight, but here it goes.]

"Hey fellas! This a private party?"

*****

Faith sighed. Tonight had been pretty uneventful in the B spotting area. She had seen a lot of lookalikes, well actually just any girl with blonde hair made Faith's heart skip a beat and run for cover. Some greasy guy had even tried it on with her, and when she told him where to go, he tried to overpower her [ha, little did he know!] She gave him one rough punch to the face, he flew against the wall and was out cold, she wanted to kill him, so much. But she controlled herself and stole his wallet instead. It was hard to hold back but she did it, and it was becoming easier. [That asshole deserved it, god knows what he's done to some young...] She shuddered at the thought. That guy reminded her of ‘him.' There were a few ‘hims' and ‘hers' in Faith's life, people whose name she couldn't bring herself to say, or think for that matter. Her thoughts were interrupted by sounds coming from the nearby graveyard. [It's gotta be her.]

Her legs suddenly felt like lead, but she managed to drag them nearer and hide behind some trees as her thoughts were confirmed. Faith watched the blonde slayer fight the vampires with such grace and skill [while still looking totally hot.]

*****

Buffy dusted the last one, quite pleased with herself as she got to do some really cool moves. "Queen Cool of Coolland." She said aloud. "That's me!"

As she went to leave her slayer senses went off, someone was there.

[Vamps?] No it was a familiar feeling.

"Spike?" No, she knew it wasn't him, it didn't feel like Spike.

[Maybe one of the gang... no they'd know better than to be hiding in graveyards when I'm in full slayer mode.]

"Who's there?"

"You may as well just show yourself!"

*****

Faith quietly backed away a bit, hoping that as she did, Buffy's senses would, well stop sensing her, still trying to not laugh at B's little ‘Queen Cool' outburst. She watched as the blonde slayer stood still for a while, then finally gave up, and started to walk away. Faith followed at a safe distance, and jumped behind a car when Buffy turned around.

[Shit! She knows she's being followed. Man, I feel like a stalker... actually that's exactly what I am, a sadcase stalker.]

Faith looked from behind the car, nothing, Buffy was nowhere to be seen. [Shit!]

The brunette quickened her pace, in a hope to catch up with her, wherever she had gone. Suddenly she felt a strong hand grab her by the back of her jacket and drag her into the alleyway. Faith automatically swung round, giving her attacker an elbow to the face on the way, she was about to make her next move, when she seen who it was and her mouth dropped. "B?"

...continued in The Mask I Wear...