A Slayer's Destiny
by Lia
Rating: NC-17
Author's Notes: It is set up 3 years after Faith turn herself to the
police.. I hope you like this story and well please do not forget the
feedback.. bcoz there's no other way to know if my stories are good or bad or
whatever... Thanks.
Feedback: Yessss pleaseeeeeee..... I need feedback...
I feel sick, tired... I grab a book but I don't read it... later on, Angel is probably gonna send Cordelia or someone to check on me.. All the weeks the same... I am so fucking tired of faking a smile just for them.. I don't even know why I do it... if I could just tell them all to fuck off... But Angel is my only connection to Sunnydale and I can ask stupid Cordelia for information in between make-up talks... Long ago, she came saying that Buffy had died... she said that B killed herself cos her sister had a key for some shitty portal.. I dunno but at times I just think that she's tryna fool me... or perhaps she is just too stupid to hear something and then say it... but now that I think of Buffy... it wouldn't be completely crazy that she killed herself for a damn key... Weeks later than that... she came up saying that Red and her witchfriend had brought her back to life, so the chosen one is back in Sunnydale.. Gotta say that all that she says sounds a little stupid to me. It's a pity that Angel can't come to visit me. With him I don't have to pretend a damn thing and probably he'd tell me things in a clearer way than the homecoming queen does... but that just ain't gonna happen, he'd burn himself out in his way here. Cordelia said also that Joyce had died as well... a shame cos Mrs. S... was the one who I liked the most.. she even let me borrow her lipstick.
Angel always sends Cordelia to tell me when I am gonna be liberated... she always repeats the same thing but at the end it's up to me whether I wanna tell them or not.. He wants me to go see him and that he wants someone to pick me up.. I wonder that if he is afraid that I may run away or if he just senses that I am gonna be freed tomorrow.. nobody else but people in here knows that. I was thinking if I should go see Buffy... Yeah... I think that yeah.. I'm imagining how mad she is gonna get.. she'll want to kill me again and I will laugh right at her face while she looks at me with those cold, dead eyes. Yep, I'm gonna go to Sunnydale to visit my old friend Buffy and I am taking the vampire with me. Dead boy, so cute is gonna tell her that I am not the same that I have changed... Have I changed???? I don't know... I don't wanna think of it.. It's my nature and if they don't like who I am... they can go to hell... be my guests... But when I arrive, naive B is gonna feel so jealous cos it's me, her eternal rival, Faith who is right next to the love of her life... She's way too dumb to realize that every little thing that he does, he does it for her cos he is simply fucking in love with her... but she'll think it is for me... I love that about Buffy, she is so naive... she's got slayer's sight, slayer's strength, slayer's everything but the brain and intuition, she has from a ten-year-old girl. Oh.. Buffy Buffy Buffy Buffy... So perfect Buffy... I think they couldn't have found two slayer more different than both of we are from each other. Dumb Buffy, stupid Buffy, naive Buffy, so so FUCKING beautiful Buffy. I always tried to tell her that I feel atracted to her.. but she only thought I was playing around.. sure I was, just a little.. but on those games there was always lots of reality cos I just wanted to see what she would answer so one day... suddenly and BANG!! she was mine... but Buffy is more straight than a mother fucking ruler she is just as straight as... as... as... Fuck I don't know.. probably Cordelia.. but wait! getting yourself involved with Xander is not really heterosexual... But the thing is that B is too straight for that.. even if sometimes judging by the seductive way she looked at me or the way we always "accidentaly" touched each other. But that's something I gotta find out cos at the end you never know, perhaps when I'll find myself with the surprise that she is just as gay as the witch... and I find her with someone like Drusilla... since she seems to enjoy a lot vampires company, or probably with the witch herself.. but no that is not really likely to happen cos she's got herself a gurl already, and that is one less trouble I'll have to go through... I always thought that she liked Buffy too oh yeah... everybody liked Buffy.. even Giles EW!... we all wanted a little piece of Buffy to have in bed and masturbate today with... but despite that they all knew her from way long, it is me the one who had a stronger bond with Buffy... probably cos we both slayers or maybe cos I've been inside her and not literally... I've been Buffy.. I've had Buffy in all imaginable ways.. I've felt like her.. I've felt her, I slept in her bed, I have made Buffy come, I have lived her life... but it didn't really last long cos MOTHER FUCKER Red was there to screw up everything I come up with once ag...
"FAITH!!"
"Whu.. What??"
"You Ok??? You're like absent."
"No, it's nothing I was too concentrated reading." Me? Concentrated? READING?? yeah right... But I just can't tell her. You see I was thinking of the other slayer and the time we traded bodies, so I lie to her and she seems to believe me...
"Aw... it's nothing really.. just that lately... no, just.. nevermind."
And here we go again... Two years sharing the same cell and she still can't say what is on her mind.. I've never met someone so shy.. specially in Jail... "No Jessica, go ahead tell me."
"It's stupid probably, but you've been acting very strange lately... and well you are gonna be freed tomorrow and you don't seem happy bout it, not even a little.. and not to judge but most of people here would be jumping out of happiness if they were going to be freed the next day."
"It is just that my time is not over yet" I lie to her.
"And that should make you even happier.. they're releasing you for good behavior... that says a lot about you Faith."
Ironic huh? Good behavior, who would have thought.... "Yeah I guess" I say faking a smile to her.
"I.. I'm going.. to miss you Faith. It won't be the same when you are not here."
"Don't worry, it'll all be five by five" I say while I lay my head again in the cell's cold wall.
I hear her say "Yeah I guess." But I don't answer anymore... I feel bad for her, she was the closest thing to a friend I had in here.. when she got hear she was put in my jail cos they trusted me with my 1 year of good behavior record so I protected her from any mother fucking bitch that woud try to rape her or abuse her... I did it first I dunno if it was cos I felt bad for her or I wanted to feel superior to anybody else... I love it when people speak behind my backs and when they are fucking afraid of me but then I just got used to it and well now that I'll be gone who will protect her? Not that I would stay for her either but I guess I am just a little concerned. But either way I just don't wanna think about it... I wanna sleep..
"J, if someone comes by to visit me.. tell the officer I am not feeling well and that I don't wanna be awakened."
"You are feeling sick?"
"No, I am just tired but I don't really wanna talk to anybody.. I'm sleepy."
"You were up all night yesterday thinking right? Faith? Faith? .. Did you fall asleep so soon?"
"______"
.... The Next day....
"My God, FAITH!!!"
"What the.... You fucking scared me Kid."
"I thought you had passed away."
"Huh? Why?"
"I had never seen anyone sleep 16 hours in a row."
You had never seen a slayer.. "Aw that!"
"The thing is gonna start in 45 minutes Faith... you gotta be there in half an hour."
"Aw ok!" I say while strecthing out off my bed...
I get out of my cell and go to the showers... I have nothing else than my leather pants, boots, my usual white tank top and a jacket... so to hell with whatever they said about attending the damn ceremony in formal clothes.. Yeah right... they are really stupid.. we all only have the clothes we came here with... it is not like before coming here we dropped by Gucci's or Versace's so they could make us a suit for the day we were gonna be liberated... but I don't give a damn... at the end in some minutes I'll be fucking out of this damn hole... I wonder what it is like outside... I wonder if it has changed.. my only link to the exterior world was Cordelia and she has definitely changed... she claims now to be a seer and she has an ugly short hair cut... I dunno, one day I told her.. Oh Cordy, I love your hair so short and BANG! next week she had it cut.. so then I came up with something I told her that she had the sexiest legs I had ever seen and I waited anxiously those seven days.. and yeah next week she came with an overcoat so I don't see her legs... man that was so fun... but it only lasted two weeks cos after that she started getting used to my jokes and she wouldn't even blush anymore... I don't really know how I got to such a friendship state with her.. at first she'd only come muttering and saying Angel asked me to come and see if you are ok... Are you ok? I'd say yes and they she'd say alright.. and leave... but one day I felt like bugging someone and I knew it would certainly bug her so when she said "You ok?" I said "it depends... on what?" she replied and I said.. "If I am accompanied by such a beautiful girl like you well I am more than ok but if I am alone I'm not.." She was already standing up in order to leave and I was all smiling when suddenly she sat back down and started to asked me if I liked gurls... I said sometimes... some girls... and then she started to ask if I liked Buffy cos it seems something morbid but curious to her.. Of course I denied it at all times but then I dunno how the hell she got the information from me and knew that I was lying and that I definitely fell something for B... after that out of the blue she forgot that she hated me and started to come every week with her crappy love tests and I gotta admit that she made me laugh often and well that way she started a search so she find out if me and Buffy had really something (Yeah right) and I started asking C for information... and that is how we kinda became friends...
Already nine thirty and when I go to the room the damn ceremony has already started and surprisingly every other intern is wearing formal clothes I just asked one of them and she said that the visitors of yesterday had brought clothes for the gurls... I had told nobody so they didn't bring anything either... the director is talking now.. it looks more like a graduation thing than what it really is... so pathetic but I don't care cos in just a moment I'll be fucking away from here...
Half hour of blabbing has gone by already.. and now they're calling each one by their names they say goodbye and go away.. 19.. 20... 21... My turn... I say goodbye... just not to seem impolite, I walk.. the gates close behind me.. and I am the hell out.. I feel a little stupid though... so much scandal just to tell me that they're freeing people cos they need more space on the frigging jail... so they are freeing the ones who "behave better" but I don't give a damn flying fuck as long as I am out of that shit hole... Now I need to go slaying... no wait!.. it's too early for vamps to be outside.. so I'll have to wait till it is dark, but most importantly I gotta get myself some stakes... There is something hard on my back pocket.. is it a letter... a card.. yeah... The Mayor's card... I still remember the code.. 4563... so the first thing I gotta do is get to an ATM.. I've been wondering for a thousand ninety nine days if my money is still there and I am not gonna be wondering any more... I walk slowly and I find a 10-dollar bill in my jacket pocket, I grab it and go to the nearest store.
"Morning Miss."
"Yo."
"What can I do for you."
"For me nothing, but for my money you could send me a pack of red Marlboros, a lighter... the black one and a bar of Joy Almond."
"ID?"
"What? Don't you think I am a little grown to be younger than 18?"
"It's the rules miss."
"Whatever" I say while I put the damn ID in the counter... He reads my name aloud, then my birth date and then he gives me the damn cigarettes... so much scandal for so little..
"Thanks for choosing my store."
"Chill boy... it was the nearest store.. it is not like I came all the way from Boston just to buy a pack of ciggies in your store.. but whatever.. Bye."
I put the cigarette in my mouth, light it and smoke... "Holy shit... it was so long since I didn't do this... " I sit on the floor.. I bite my chocolate.. "It's amazing how much I missed this stupid stuff"... then I remember the card, start walking towards the ATM.. I have walked a lot.. it has to be around here... uhm... turn the corner.. Yep! there it is... I walk there but there is a damn line... I wait... 3 people left, 2... 1.. I'm up... I put my card.. and "WHAT?!?!?!" the damn thing spits it... I put it inside the hole and again.. it spits it... now I am angry I kick the machine but nobody notices.. hopefully cos I don't wanna be the first dumb to return to Jail a few minutes after she's been released.. I try again.. FUCK! it spits it again... OK! I don't give a fuck I am soooo gonna destroy this stupid thing... I'm about to kick it.. when I see an arm pass right in front of my eyes taking my card away.
"What the fuck?"
"Uh.. sorry ma'am.. but the card's backwards" he says turning it backwards again...
"Uh.. sorry ma'am.. but the card's backwards" I say sticking my tongue out of my mouth... but he doesn't listen so I say "Thanks" acidly... now... savings.. credit... and print... and WOO HOO!! my money is so fucking there.. I can't really believe my beloved fortune is still there ... ok now I just $500 to supply myself and I walk away absently...
I smile when I find out where I am.. I am standing only 3 blocks away from dead boy's place and I don't know whether to go or not... I dunno.. perhaps I should... yeah.. besides I have nothing more interesting to do for a while.. and I am so hungry I'd eat a whole horse and I am so not spending my money in that when I can get it for free.. So I walk... and I knock the door.. a little box answers me.
"Yeah?"
"Is Angel there?"
"Yeah, come up.." And the door opens... I push it and I go upstairs... When I get there... Cordelia sees me and her mouth drops open...
"My God Faith!... did you run away from Jail... is that why I couldn't find you yesterday???"
"I wish I had ran away.. they released me today for good behaviour."
"But you didn't tell us."
"Guess I forgot"...
"Sit down."
"Thanks... um... Is he here?"
"Yeah he's coming upstairs." She says pointing the stairs to the basement and from here I can see a guy all dressed in black, OBVIOUSLY Angel... and right after him someone I can't recognize.. it is probably some person that comes to ask him for advice.
"Angel someone's looking for you" Cordelia says standing in front of me so he doesn't see me...
"Who."
Cordelia walks to the right so he can see me and says "Faith."
Angel's mouth drops open and his face looks very pale.. YES! more pale than usual... and now I see why... The woman who was behind him walks to the right too and I am able to see her... "Bu.. Buffy?"
"Faith?"
Dedication: This is for my beautiful beautiful muñequita... Max baby, for you!
B must have improved her slayer's abilities cos before I know she's on top of me... NO, not that way... she's punching my face... I barely can defend myself... should I attack her or not??? But if I do.. everyone is gonna be against me ... so... I'll be wiser than that... I'll play the victim.. First I let her punch till I bleed and then I shout... "Angel please stop her... please she's gonna kill me!"
Cordelia screams as well "Angel do something!"
Buffy is still hitting me like crazy and Angel seems to be meditating what to do.. I only block Buffy's punches and wait for the vampire to react... He wakes up and says "Buffy, please let her go" ... Buffy's arms fall and it all seems like time is standing still... she is sitting on top of me but she doesn't move. She probably can't believe what she has heard...
"Buffy please LET HER GO!"
She slowly stands up all blushing and says "What the fuck Angel?? She's a frigging killer."
I'm still trying to look hurt and wounded... "I'm not!" I say whining.. It is all part of the plan.
"Look Buffy, this is probably complex but I cannot explain unless you calm down."
"I'm not talking until this bitch leaves the house."
"SHE WON'T! I asked her to come Buffy!"
B's mouth has dropped open. She can't believe what she is hearing, she thought that Angel was gonna be on her side, and this probably has proven her wrong. She doesn't know what to say. She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing seems to get out of it. she makes a fist pressing so hard her skin with her nails that a little blood comes out of it; I can tell she feels impotent and can't do anything about it, she looks at him with hate for the first time in her life and tells him: "Really convenient, Angel! Now even YOU are on her side."
I seize the occasion to get up myself too, only that I make it seem more painful than it really is. I see Cordelia is approaching to help me, but Buffy almost immediately turns to me again and makes Cordelia freeze on the spot. She is so fucking fast. I don't know when she came running to me, I guess I was too distracted, but now I see her foot in my stomach and it is too late to block. While I'm flying towards the bookshelf behind me, she yells to me "You are a mother fucking bitch Faith! Wasn't it enough for you to ruin my life once? Do you really have to come back and do it all over again?? Did you have to fool Angel the way you have done?"
I see Angel coming, probably to stop her, but then he just stops as well letting us solve our own "little" problem. After a few seconds, the bookshelf falls down as well; luckily, it doesn't fall on top of me because I moved fast. All the books and magazines inside land very close to Buffy, even though none of them hits her. I see B's looking at the floor now, directing her look at some magazine landing next to her, and with the corner of my eye, I'm able to see thet Cordelia is looking at the same spot while covering her mouth with her hands. At first I don't have a clue what the fuck is going on, but then I direct my sight to the floor as well, and I read in some paper ::Love Test:: and B's name below. Now I know why Cordelia reacted that way, it was one of the many love tests she'd take with her when visiting me back in prison.
Buffy tries to look further, and since the paper is still inside the magazine, she picks it up and starts taking it to her eyes. It all happens so fast I barely have the time to react, but my slayer speed helps a lot. I didn't wanna ruin my "I'm the victim here plan", but I'm forced to. I kick the back of the paper against Buffy's face, and it works relatively because now the paper is all covered on blood and can't be read. She drops the paper to the floor so she can clean the blood from her face. She does so, and she comes back to respond the kick, but before she's able to Angel grabs her at the same time Cordelia grabs me.
They both takes us to the closest sofa, and surprisingly, none of us resists to go. Angel looks at both of us and says, kind of mad "I will not let you hit each other in front of myself anymore, so you two sit there and wait for us to come and clean your wounds." B and I just look away avoiding meeting Angel's eyes, and then he and Cordelia go upstairs, probably to bring something to heal our wounds with.
Buffy and I follow them with the eyes until we see they have completely disappeared from our sight. Right after they are completely out of sight, Buffy stands up and goes to the magazines again to see if she can find a paper like the other I smashed her nose with. She starts looking into them and I start to lose my patience, so I stand up and until I am behind her. Once I am already there, I grab her neck and whisper slowly to her ear "Oh B, B, B... I'm sorry, but I think that I have already made myself very clear when I said that I don't want you to look in those magazines." She hits me with her head in my nose in order to set free, I kick her yet again, she falls. She stands up immediately, turns to me and says "And who the hell are you to tell me what am I or am not supposed to do?"
I reply with a smirk to that one "Indeed B, I'm no one to tell you what you can or can't do; however, now you'll do what I want because when your vampire, I mean your EX-vampire comes he'll back me up and you will have no other choice than doing things my way."
"No! He'll listen to me." She says whining.
I smirk once again with sarcasm and make the same face she just made, now I pout and with her same tone I say "Awwww... poor little Buffy!" Now my smile turns a little evil while I look at her coldly and say "After so many years I thought you weren't as naive as you used to be, but I see I was wrong. He'll support me and you know it, even more than I do... I'm sorry girlfriend, life ain't fair."
Never in her life, not even when I tried to kill her, Buffy had looked at me with so much hate. But there is something very arousing about it: the way her face looks, the way she looks me from head to toe and makes time stand still, the way she swallows hard... very hard. Fuck this girl really makes me horny, my eyes lock with hers while I smirk slowly, then I wet my lips, but I never take my eyes away from her. Slowly, she walks towards me and kicks me once again, I let her.. I want her to feel superior for a moment, to make her feel that she has that power over me, to make her believe that she can do whatever she wants to me. The kick doesn't really hurt, but I go flyin towards the only bookshelf that remained standing. I collapsed in the shelf and fall down to my knees FUCK!!!! I try to move, but my mother fucking foot is stuck... shit... "FUCK!.." I..
[Buffy]
I come up from the basement with Angel and I hear Cordelia saying "Angel, someone's looking for you."
"Who?"
"Faith."
WHAT?!?!?! I couldn't have heard that right! That is so not Faith, Faith is in jail, she'd better be in jail. So, skeptically I move next to Angel, and indeed, it is Faith.
She looks just as surprised that I am, she shrugs as she usually does and says "Buh... Buffy?"
"Faith??"
For an instant, we all glance at each other in silence, but I can't leave things like this any more. I run towards her with my slayer speed and knock her down with a punch to her face, then I sit down on her stomach in order to keep on punching her. Weirdly, she doesn't do a thing, she barely moves to defend herself from my hits, but I am not falling for that this time, under any kind of circumstance I will feel compasion for this killer.
Cordelia yells with horror "Angel please do something, don't stand like that." Damn it! I don't believe they all let themselves to be brainwashed in such a way, but I know that Angel knows way better than that and he, just like me, isn't falling for her stupid game. All of a sudden, I hear Faith scream with a crying voice "Buffy, please don't continue, you are going to kill me... please."
Angel says something, it sounds like "Buffy please LET HER GO!" I can't believe he just said that to me, there's got to be a mistake.
I shake my head furiously and say "What the fuck Angel?? She's a frigging killer."
"I'm not!" she whines. Okay, that was weird.
"Look Buffy, this is probably complicated but I cannot explain unless you calm down."
What?!?!?! I shake my head again "I'm not talking until this bitch leaves the house."
"SHE WON'T! I asked her to come Buffy."
My mouth drops open, and unwilling to believe that I look at him expecting he corrects himself, but he doesn't; I keep on looking, but he's somehow avoiding to meet my eyes. This is just outrageous, the person that I thought was the wiser one has bought it. I have to say something, so I open my mouth and finally find the voice to tell him "Really convenient Angel! Now even YOU are on her side."
He's not saying anything, still avoiding my eyes, I hate him, but more than I hate him, I hate her. It wasn't enough to come and destroy my life, now she has to come back to do it all over again. I feel a frustration tear sliding down my cheek and I am about to explode. She looks at me as if I needed to say something to her, I just can't stand her seeing her there.. I want her to die, die, die, DIE... I want her to die SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY. I run towards her and I kick her while saying "You are a mother fucking bitch Faith! Wasn't it enough for you to ruin my life once? Do you really have to come back and do it all over again?? Did you have to fool Angel the way you have done?"
She lands on the bookshelf and gets up, the bookshelf falls down as well, but not on top of her because she moved in time. I want to attack her again, but some paper on the floor calls my attention. It has my name on it and says something about a test. I pick it up to take a better look, and it reads ::Love Test:: Buffy Summers and WHATTHEFUCK?!?!? My nose is bleeding now; it takes me a little time to figure out what just happened, but then I remembered Faith's boot on my nose kicking me. It all happened so fast though that I didn't have time to realize about it.
I clean the blood of my face with my sleeve before going to hit her back again, but Angel comes and grabs me at the same time Cordelia does that with Faith. They take us to the couch, I feel a little dizzy from Faith's punch, so I don't really resist being taken there. After that, Angel looks at us, mad and tells us "I will not let you hit each other in front of myself anymore, so you two sit there and wait for us to come and clean your wounds." I look away, and when he turns, I follow them with my eyes until I see them both disappear.
Faith looks distracted, so I stand up to search on those magazines in order to see if I find one like the other one I was about to read. There is nothing in the first one; however, in the second there is a little paper I take. Faith walks towards me, I see her with the corner of my eye. I throw the magazine to the floor and keep the paper. Then I feel a very hard pressure in my neck choking me. She whispers "Oh B, B, B... I'm sorry, but I think that I have already made myself very clear when I said that I don't want you to look in those magazines." Apparently she didn't notice that I already have it, so I slip it down my pocked unnoticed.
I hit her nose with my head and I feel it starts bleeding, then she kicks me and I fall down, but I get up almost immediately, then turn to her and say with anger "And who the hell are you to tell me what am I or not supposed to do?"
She smirks now and says "Indeed B, I'm no one to tell you what you can or can't do; however, now you'll do what I want because when your vampire, I mean your EX-vampire comes he'll back me up and you will have no other choice than doing things my way."
"No! He'll listen to me" I reply mad, but that comes out more like a whine than an angry statement.
She has an evil smile now and she tries to imitate me saying "Awwww... poor little Buffy." Her smile turns into a cold stare and says next "After so many years I thought you weren't as naive as you used to be, but I see I was wrong. He'll support me and you know it, even more than I do... I'm sorry girlfriend, life ain't fair."
HE WON'T!!! I get even more furious, my breath gets faster, my stare is cold, my hands are shaking, and I bury my nails into my skin so hard that a little drops of blood come out again. All I want right now is to see her fucking dead, DEAD. She is still smirking at me, but this is not over yet, she will not humilliate me like this. Once again a frustration tear slides down my cheek, she wets her lips in a very nasty way, I think I can even smell her lust but it is probably my imagination. I feel my blood pumping in my head, I hear my heart beats explode in my ears. I approach slowly and then I send her flying with a kick to the only bookshelf that was still intact, until now.
"FUCK..."
Her foot is stuck because she doesn't stand back up. I don't know if I should go give her a hand or not. She kneels on the floor. I hesitate while I see the bookshelf falling down, I can't move... I can't go, I can't talk, I can't breathe... in the last minute I decide to go offer her my hand, but it is too late. The bookshelf has fallen on top of her, her eyes close and she collapses to the floor. With the corner of my eye, I can pretty well see Angel and Cordelia running down the stairs and approaching.
Angel and Cordelia hurry to come closer while I am still here frozen in this very spot contemplating Faith's static figure. Angel throws the first aid box to Cordelia and lifts the bookshelf so he can take Faith out of there. Cordelia throws the box to the sofa and quickly kneels as well and caresses Faith's hair crying. I really can't move, I'm only frozen here unable to do a single thing, from far away I hear Angel say "Damn it Buffy! What did you do to her?"
Dedication: Well this goes out to everyone that gives feedback to my stories..
"Damn it Buffy! What did you do to her?" I hear him say while shaking almost angrily my shoulders.
I still can't answer, I can't even look at him. I don't know what I feel. I only look at her, laying on the floor. Unable to move, unable to attack, unable to look at me, unable to answer back to my insults, unable to hurt me, unable to try to kill me, unable to wake up. Again, that instantaneous flashback gets inside my head. I see her trying to move, I see her kneel in the floor, I see her close her eyes slowly. Far away, too far away... "Buffy, help me." "Buffy, help me."
"BUFFY, HELP ME."
"Whu.. what?"
"We gotta take her to the hospital."
"Yeah.. yeah, sure" I say absently, this is so surreal. Faith out of jail, Faith in coma again. It is like an enormous De Javu repeating itself inside my head.
"NO." Says Cordelia from the back.
"WHAT? There is no time for that Cordelia. We have to take her to the hospital as soon as possible." Angel says while he lifts Faith in his arms.
"They are gonna think that Faith got into another fight again and that she tried to kill Buffy. Specially if they see her there because she is gonna say so."
"You're right Cordelia. I'll say she attacked me because she did so."
"In that case Buffy.. Uhm, could you stay?"
"Whatever Angel, I didn't even ask to come with you in the first place" I say angrily as I see him leave.
Cordelia walks away as well and leaves me here alone in the living room. She won't talk to me, she won't even bare to look at me in the eye. I think all of them are suddenly angry at me, but I don't really see why. The only thing I did was to...
*Door Opens*
The door opens again and I see smoke coming out of it. "Shit! Angel?" Damn it, he went out in the middle of the day, and we didn't even care, guess we were too concentrated in other stuff. I'm still avoiding meeting his eyes because I want him to know that I am still very mad at him. He talks with Cordelia as if I couldn't listen, but he very well knows I can. He asks her if she can take Faith to the hospital. She says that she is afraid. Afraid??? Of what? That Faith might die on the way and that the police blames her for her death. I'm still standing here as if I wasn't able to hear a single word. However, she suggests they call an ambulance, but he says that if they come and see the mess we've made, they're gonna take Faith back to prison.
It's not that I really care, but... they are standing there like idiots arguing and none of them realizes that if they don't do something she's gonna die right now while their cheap soap opera continues. My mouth opens and I think I loose my senses for an instant because I hear myself saying "Angel I'll take her."
"WHU... WHAT??" I hear him say with surprised wide eyes, but a little reliefed as well.
"I said I'll take her" I walk slowly and doubtfully and lift the brunette girl in my arms "Now tell me where is the damn hospital before I regret this."
"Alright, drive straight until you get to the 54th. Once you are already there, turn right, keep on going for three more blocks, in the corner turn right, keep on going for one block and you'll see the hospital."
"Whatever" I mutter while I shut the door close after me.
*Door Closes*
Shit! Sometimes I really hate myself for doing this kind of thing. I'd give anything just for being unsensitive and beeing able of not giving a fuck if someone's hurt or dies. But No! here I go again, taking to the hospital to the very person I wanted dead minutes ago. I hate cars, I don't know why I even bought one... and I don't know why I am using this one and not Angel's. Yet, here you have me, placing Faith on the front seat and driving until I get to the damn 54th. But I guess it is my fault what happened to her, so this is what I have to do, even if I don't like it. "Damn!" I tried to turn on the radio and I broke the thing..damn damn damn.
I can see from here the sign that says 54th, now I have to turn ri...
"WHATTHEFUCK? GET ME OUT OF HERE WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU TAKING ME?"
"FUCK!" Faith's scream scared the hell out of me and made me let go the wheel unexpectedly. Easy, Breathe.. Ok!... getting control back now.
"Uh B!.. I love it when the wheels make that sound... so where are we going?" she asks smirking a little now.
"Nowhere" I snap at her angrily and without even looking at her I turn the car around to go back to Angel's.
"How the hell did I get here? Last thing I remember is..."
I step on the brake again, look at her with hate, start driving again and say "I kicked you, you fell on the bookshelf, your foot got stuck, the bookshelf fell on you, you fainted, and we thought you were dead" I see her open her eyes in surprise and open her mouth to say something. "Now please please I would appreciate some silence here, thanks is nothing personal so no offense" I say to her and she shuts up.
With the corner of my eye I see her fasten her seat belt, open the window, she also looks outside and smiles. Not that I care, but she looks happy. Well, I really don't blame her. It's been three years and I would miss all these insignificant things after so many time too. I think I feel a little reliefed because nothing really happened to her. I thought she had died or that she had fallen on coma again.
We're here, I get off the car and slam its door close with all my strength. She is still sitting there, but I don't care even though it is my car.
*Door Opens*
I get inside the house again and slam its door after me. Cordelia and Angel look at me weirdly, I know what they're thinking, so when I see Angel open his mouth slightly to let out something I snap at him acidly and say "She's fine." He looks at me even more surprised and I say "In the car."
Cordelia runs immediately outside to check on 'princess Faith'. I walk upstairs to pick up my thing and leave once for all, and while I do it I feel Angel's eyes follow me, but I don't turn around to meet his eyes.
Some of my stuff is still on the bed I slept on, so I put them in order and put them back to my backpack. I start to make the bed while I see little transparent drops wet the white sheets.
Someone's knocking the door. I know for sure it is Angel. Who else would it be? I mumble "It's your house, you don't need authorization."
*Door Opens*
He enters and glances around. After a while I hear him say "What are you doing Buffy?"
"Packing."
"Well, that is kind of obvious, but... are you leaving?"
"That is obvious too."
"Bu.. But I thought we were doing that research together."
"So did I, but I changed my mind" Damn it! This is turning even more painful than what I thought it would be.
"Buffy, are you crying?"
"No Angel, it is just that L.A. Winters can be so hot that even my eyes are sweating now.. any other doubt you'd like to clear?"
"Why?"
"Because! It doesn't matter, just.. just let me. Go take care of your queen but be careful you don't end up all fried in the sun."
"But you can't leave like that."
"I can! If you don't believe me, just look" I say walking to the door.
"Buffy, we need to talk."
"About?"
"It is...."
"ANGEL GET DOWN" Cordelia interrupts him. He looks at me, then at the stairs outside, then at me again. He doesn't say a word, he only lowers his head and starts walking to the stairs... Is that what you want?.. OK! you don't care about me no more, that is obvious. I finish doing the bed, close the door behind me, grab my backpack and walk out.
[Faith]
SHIT!.. Light.. lots of light, some shadows. I open my eyes, see trees?!?! Yeah! trees, the road, a car... WOW! What a car.. Ford Mustang.. 1967 I'd say.. But wait. Who's taking me? Buffy? Huh? "WHATTHEFUCK? GET ME OUT OF HERE WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU TAKING ME?"
"FUCK!" She yells letting go of the wheel and stepping on the brake. Woops. shouldn't have said that. I scared her... Bad bad girl! Anyways she seems to have recover control now.
"Uh B!.. I love it when the wheels make that sound... so where are we going?" I whisper smirking without remembering she is a slayer too and that she can very well hear me. She looks at me with anger and my smile fades immediately when she says "Nowhere."
But by the way.... "How the hell did I get here? Last thing I remember is..."
"I kicked you, you fell on the bookshelf, your foot got stuck, the bookshelf fell on you, you fainted, and we thought you were dead" I must look surprised, I open my mouth to say something but she snaps at me "Now please please I would appreciate some silence here, thanks is nothing personal so no offense" I say to her and she shuts up.
You did huh? But I don't care... It's been so long since last time in a car and what a car dude, so I don't give a damn who's on the wheel this time. I just fasten my seat belt, open the window, and loook outside. I love this. Feel the wind hitting my face messing up my hair. I love the road, the way that it seems you go backwards if you stare at it for a big while... I love this.
We're at Angel's already. Despite of the fact that B's already gotten out, I don't want to get off the car yet. She walked away in the minute we got here.. I think that if possible she would have thrown herself out the window earlier. She slammed the door shout making the car shake a little.
I unfasten my seat belt and relax. I watch the way the silver corners of the car shine at times, play with the mirror, and look at my face. "Fuck B!... that is what I call a wound."
"Yeah, it doesn't look cool."
I jump a little and then look at the one who talked and say "Cordy."
"Hey."
"We really didn't have time to say hi, did we?"
"Nope, but there is time for everything" she says smiling.
"Yeah... Aw!.. by the way, I didn't have time to tell you that now that I can stare at you from head to toe and smell your perfume. I must admit that you are one of the hottest girls ever" I say smirking at her while winking an eye.
"God Faith!" She says shaking her head, smiling, and blushing a little "Are you ever gonna change?"
"Uhm... Nope" I say smiling.
"Ok! Now let's go clean those wounds of yours" she says while she takes my hand and gets me off the car. I am not really attracted to her, but I love teasing her. And also, you gotta admit she looks FINE!
"Hey, I'm sorry about Buffy" she says out of the blue.
"HUH?!" I say while frowning.
"I know you really like her and I am sorry she treated you that way."
Shit! That wasn't planned. My smile has turned into a miserable pout, but before she sees it, I fake a cheap smile for her. "Don't worry! you gotta give a little time to her.. that is her way to say hi. You'll see how she'll fall in a little time" I say trying to convince her... just as much as I try to convince myself.
*Door Opens*
We walk in, there are no sings of Angel or Buffy. Cordelia looks for her first aid box everywhere, but she doesn't find it, so she calls the vampire. "ANGEL GET DOWN" but he doesn't appear until some long seconds. He walks with his head low. He looks just like a 15-year-old heartbroken kid. Who would guess he is a 200-year-old vampire now. There is dissapointment in his eyes, as well as sadness. Buffy walks down after him, with the same look in her eyes.
[Buffy]
I get downstairs and see that Angel is pointing somewhere in the kitchen to Cordelia and to 'her'. They go away and before he turns around, I go to the door, I open it and go out. He called my name right before I went out, but I pretended I didn't hear him.
*Door Opens*
He stands in the doorstep, but still I don't turn around, I am hurt beyond words.. I really am. "Buffy" he calls yet again. I don't turn around, but I stand right where I am.
"What?" I say after a while.
"We need to talk."
"We are talking."
I feel his hand on my shoulder and it makes me jump. "Look" he says but I cut him off and tell him "Are you nuts or what? You are gonna burn out."
"I don't care."
God!... I push them towards some trees that provide some shadow so he doesn't burn out "What the hell is going on with you Angel."
"I just can't take you being mad at me."
"Well guess what. I won't stop being mad at you just because you tried to burn yourself proving I don't know what."
"I just want you to listen to me."
"For God's sake Angel I'm a slayer I could hear you from a mile away."
"You can hear.. but I want you to listen."
"Huh?" I say frowning.
"That I want to have a serious conversation with you."
"I'm sorry to disappoint you Angel, but I don't see anyone's laughing."
"Buffy."
"Alright" I say rolling my eyes. "What is it that you want to tell me."
"You got it all wrong, perhaps yes I did give the wrong impression, but I am doing this for her as much as I am doing it for you."
"I'm sorry but I just have to frown at this. What are you saying?"
"That you think that I have chosen her over you and you are mad at me and that is why you are leaving."
"No, I'm leaving because I am tired already of being here, and yes Angel, you are indeed backing her up and chosing her over me."
"No I'm not Buffy. It's just that you started hitting her out of the blue."
"You see? There it is again."
"Buffy, you are behaving completely like a kid."
"I'm not" I whine. Ok! maybe he might, but just might be a little right.
"But the point here is not who hit whom. Buffy you are hurting you with this just as much as you're hurting her."
"I'm not hurting her, she is a fucked-up bitch."
"She is hurt, have you ever looked at her eyes?"
"No need to do that."
"Well you should Buffy. I mean she has changed, she turned herself to the police without no one harrasing her to do so, didn't her?"
"I guess she did, but.."
"You have to learn to forgive Buffy."
I shake my head. I know how to forgive. "I do know how to forgive. I forgave Willow, I forgave you, I forgav.."
He interrupts me and says "You really forgave us all?"
"Duh! What's your point?"
"What did we do to you?"
"Well, Willow, she started abusing of magic and then she turned real bad and then.."
Damn! He cuts me off again, I hate when he does that "In general, we sort of betrayed you and hurt you right?"
"Well yes, obviously."
"What did Faith do to you again?"
"Well she... she... she..." Damn "I don't see where you want to go with this."
"Buffy, she betrayed you and hurt you as well."
I snap at him "Yeah, but it was different."
"How?"
"Cause" I say without really finding excuse.
"Just think about it Buffy. Why can't you forgive Faith."
"I don't know Angel, I just can't and I won't. I... I gotta go home, take care. Bye."
"I.."
"I'm just not in the mood for talking right now, maybe later."
"Take care."
"I will. Now go inside running so you don't burn out."
"Yeah." He answers with his sad look again. I guess he thought he was going to convince me to stay. It hurts me to see him like this, but I just can't stay right now.
"Byes."
"Bye" he says quietly.
[Faith]
Angel tells me and Cordelia where the first aid box was. It was in the kitchen, so Cordelia and I go there, besides I think Angel and B need a little talk.
After Buffy went out there were no sounds in the house, probably Angel went upstairs again or I dun... "SHIT."
"What Faith?"
"It hurt."
"But you're a slayer."
"I know.. but putting alcohol in a wound... that is just cruel."
"I'm sorry." She says trying to hide that she was laughing.
She broke my nose and gave me a huge wound in my head. Man, it's gonna take long to be pretty back again.
"Done" she says with a smile and wakes me up from my thoughts making me jump a little.
"Aw."
"Hey, I have to get some groceries, Angel makes me do that" she says complaining.
I pout "Aw poor little you, does he really make you do that? You see, if you lived in my place you wouldn't have to go through all this" I say smirking.
"God Faith, are you ever gonna change."
"Nah" I say smiling.
"Well, I really have to go, do you want me to bring you something?"
"Whipped cream to eat it on you."
"What?!?!" she says.
"Just kidding, uhm, just bring lots of ice cram" I say smiling happily.
"Ok" she says walking to the back door and going away.
*Door Closes*
I go to the former living room, because it is all a mess now. I turn the TV and start putting all the things back on its place, seizing the occasion to take out all those 'love test' papers and throw them out just in case someone apart from Cordelia feels like reading Cosmopolitan one of these days.
I'm still putting the stuff back and the papers inside my pocket when someone opens the door.
*Door Opens*
It's Angel that comes in running smoking a little on the edges. "Gees! you like the sun don't you."
"Yeah, want to get a tan."
I laugh, but I notice that he is not smiling with me "What is it dead boy? didn't convince B to stay?"
"Nah, I told her something else."
"Aw" I say trying to make him think that I believe him, which I don't.
"Where's Cordy?"
"She went to get some groceries, why you forgot to ask her for some frozen meals?"
"Just wondering where she was."
"Aw, well yeah."
"Uh huh, I'll be upstairs alright?"
"Yeah... I'll go take a walk, I'll be back soon."
"Ok, here you have a key" he says throwing a key to me.
"Thanks" I say going to the door and going away.
*Door Closes*
Dedication: Well.. Once again, I just felt like dedicating my story to my baby Max... Hope you like it muñequita.
I walk out of Angel's place. The day looks nice, I like gray days. Not gray enough for Angel, but for me they are just fine. I light a ciggie and start smoking. I really like walking out in this kind of day, feels a little weird in the stomach.
There is a nice park, so I sit on a bench lifting both of my legs and look around. I watch absently, there are kids playing around. But kids in the morning? That's weird, well anyways. One of them looks like Buffy. It's quite fun, she even has matching clothes. NO WAIT! It is Buffy, and they're not kids. One of them is an old woman, and that is her purse the other 'kids' are giving to Buffy. What the hell just happened with my slayer senses?!?! Shit! Buffy just saw me, she comes straight to me. Yeah, I needed her to hit me again.
"What the fuck is it that you want?"
"Huh?" I say confused.
"What do you want? You came here looking for me, didn't you?"
"Actually no B! I thought you were going back to Sunnydale, not that you were hanging out in the park around the corner with your new friends."
"Wha..."
*Phone Rings*
A cell phone interrupts our very interesting conversation. A guy, two ladies, and B grab their pockets; press some button; and say "Hello". But only Buffy actually keeps on talking. The other ones just blush furiously and put their phones back to their pockets as if nothing had happened. See? That is why you always should get yourself some fancy ring tone to avoid the embarrassment.
B's talking to Willow, I think, because after so much time I can barely recognize Red's voice. She is asking Buffy some stuff about a research and a demon I know nothing about, so I just don't pay attention to what they're talking.
Interesting... so now B's got a car and also a cell phone, damn, I never thought B was such an adept to technology, I guess that time really changes people.
After a while, she hangs up and her attention turns back to me. "So? What is it that you want? You want me to hit you again?"
HELL YEAH! I was actually going to say that, but she might take it seriously and then my ass would be sorry for that, so I think better and tell her "I was not looking for you Buffy, I just came here and it is not my fault you were here as well. But I can always go away."
"No wait." She tells me.
"What?"
"Well, I was just leaving, so you can stay."
"I didn't ask for permission B. I know I can stay If I want to, but now I just don't feel like it anymore."
"Whatever bitch."
I sigh instead of answering to that. I turn around and start walking away without really looking at her. I can hear she is walking away as well because her steps start getting lost.
If only I could ha...
Urgh... What the hell was that? Aw! It was Buffy's engine, her car won't start. I bet she's so mad she could start throwing smoke through her nose and fire through her mouth at any moment. I turn back around and start walking, but I just can't stand seeing poor Mustang suffering like that. She doesn't know how to treat him, you got to treat a car with love, not with multiple kicks. I hesitantly walk to where Buffy and her car are, and stand right in front of her.
"May I please." Ugh… I think that was just way too polite for me.
"What?" she says frowning.
"Uhm... I know how to fix cars, I studied."
"I can do it myself."
Yeah right. "Yeah! I see the progress you’ve made. C'mon B... I ain't doing this to help you, I am doing it for your car. I just love it, and I can't see him suffering like that."
"Well, if it is that important to you, then go ahead."
"Ok!" I reply to her and sit on the driver's seat to check on the car. B only watches me half astonished and half sorry she ever let me touch her car, but she already did, so she can't go back.
I try to start the engine, but nothing. Try twice and still nothing. "Uhm. Let's see." I say while I get off the car and go to the engine place and open it. "Wow, this is not cool B!" I say.
"What's the problem with it?"
"One, the battery seems to be dead, that I got from the sound of the engine when I tried to start it, and second, I don't know how but the car got so hot it might burn the engine out."
"What? That is just not possible." She says frowning "We're in winter, how the hell can a car get hot in winter?"
"Well, actually it does get hot when the weather is hot, but it also gets hot because you push the engine too much by driving long distances, and when the car gets hot, you need to stop for a while, open this little cap you see here and put some water, then you wait until it gets cool again to start it. That usually happens to old cars you know?"
"But Xander has a car, and he doesn't need to water it."
I try to hide that I'm laughing... "B! you don't water cars, you just put water in them so they don't get hot and this doesn't happen. New cars have something called coolant, the coolant is a fluid that refreshes the engine so you don't have to 'water' them. Besides the problem here is just the battery, luckily it went dead beca.."
"What do you mean 'luckily'?"
"Because otherwise you wouldn't have realized that your car was hot and needed water until a lot of smoke started to come out of it."
"And is that bad?"
DUH!..."yes it is, because, as I told you before, eventually if the car keeps being pushed when it is hot, the engine burns and if you put water in it when that happens, it only get worse and you fuck up your car."
"Ok! So what do I have to do then?"
"You need to have your battery recharged, or you buy a new one. About the hot car, you just need to 'water' it, and wait a couple of hours for it to get cool again."
"So that means I have to stay?" She asks resigned.
"Or you can go in train and leave this beauty to me."
"I'll wait." She said. "So where do I get a battery?"
"I can get it for you" I offered.
"Uhm, actually, that is too many favors from you in just a day" she snaps.
I am laying in her car, she gets closer and steps in front of me. She reaches inside her right pocket and takes out a lot of papers. One of them is a twenty-dollar bill that she next throws to my face.
I shake my head and tell her "actually you don't nee..."
"I do, now go away, thanks" she says still looking in the papers she had in her hand.
Geeze, what an attitu… OH MY GOD!! I just recognized one of her papers, how the hell did she get it? Those papers were in my pocket, weren't they? SHIT! She is reading it... Now I can't do nothing but start going away slowly and then run. So I do, very slowly I slide and.. Fuck! Her right hand is holding my shoulder very hard. My heart skips a beat and I start to breath rapidly. I feel her eyes on my back, so I swallow very hard and turn around to meet her eyes.
I feel so weird... time seems to be standing still. I.. I never thought that this moment would actually happen. Me facing my feelings for B.. I ... I..
"You have five seconds to explain yourself." She says in a tone that really frightens me. I think she is mad beyond words.
"Five."
"Wu.. wait" I say nervously.
[Buffy]
"What Faith?" I say mad "Is this your brand new way to get to my nerves? Because if it is, you have so achieved your aim."
"I.."
"You know what? I hate it. I hate the way you always have to end up winning" I feel so mad that I swear I could feel a tear sliding down my cheek. "Regardless of what I do, regardless of how many times I promise myself I am not going to let this get to me, I always end up like this."
She gives me one of her cocky shrugs and tell me "B… I.."
"Why Faith?" I sigh and then mumble "Why?"
"Why what?"
"I mean, do you get turned on, or get some kind of pleasure when you make me suffer like this? When you get me mad? When you try to kill my family?"
"C'mon B. It ain't big deal. Everyday, every time, there's someone or something trying to kill you and your family. It's not like that's never happened to ya."
"Yeah but it's completely different Faith."
"I don't really see how B… I don't see you crying over some vampire or demon that tried to kill you."
"Yeah but…"
She cuts me off "But what?"
"I don't know Faith. Damn it, you're being just like Angel."
"Huh?" She frowns.
"I mean, they're… They're just plain bad guys, but you are… you are you."
"What does that mean B?"
"I don't know what it means Faith. I am not sure if I want to know either… I just can't forgive you like I've forgiven everybody else. You hurt me bad" I cry, I don't know why, but I cry.
"Yeah but I am not the only one that has hurt you bad, what about…"
She's being completely like Angel now… "Damn it Faith, I don't know alright? It is just different with you, and don't ask me why. I CARED ABOUT YOU, I EVEN USED TO LOOK UP TO YOU. Don't you see it?" I say mad.
Her eyes are starting to water a little and she tries to hide it. "Yo.. you.. You did?"
I fall in silence realizing of what I just did. This is not the best moment to tell her that I actually did admire her, but my body acts faster than my brain, and my head nods.
"But I am just a fucked-up bitch." She says with a weird expression as she had just heard the most unbelievable thing.
"I never say you weren't" I answer to her.
"Yeah I figured." She says looking sad.
"Now explain what the fuck this means before I lose my patience." I say throwing the paper to her face.
She reads it and laughs, but her smile fades right after she raises her face and meets my angry eyes. She swallows hard and looks everywhere but to my face, as if she'd rather be anywhere else but here. "Um… did you read it?"
"Obviously" I roll my eyes while I move my foot looking bored.
"Well B. It says in there what it means."
I.. I thought it was a stupid prank to get me angry. "I thought it was a stupid prank of yours Faith."
"It's not."
I get mad and yell "DON'T YOU EVER GET TIRED OF THIS?? ARE YOU STUPID OR CR…"
She interrupts me "You know what? Maybe I am stupid or crazy. But do you really think this is the best place to be right now B?? Damn it, do you think I want this? Do you think I like this? Think about it Buffy. How fun do you think it is to have a major crush on the only person in the world who is never going to forgive you? On the only person that is more straight than a fucking steel ruler, on the only person you have absolutely no chances with."
I feel my jaw drops open, and the only thing I manage to do is to say "I.. I…"
"No B." She says "I don't like it, yet I just can't help it. You know what's stupid?" She asks to herself "I would always complain and make fun of how you'd always be 'miss perfect' and that everyone wanted to hook up with you, and now look at me, I am just one more of them. Getting lost in your hazel eyes, daydreaming of…"
I stop listening to Faith when I hear a little boy pull his dad's pants, point here, and ask him "Daddy, why is there two mommies in there?"
I frown and I look down, then I realize Faith's hand is on my hip. It's weird I didn't even notice that. I step back and her hand falls. For her look you can tell she hadn't notice her hand was there either, she opens her mouth to say something again, but I cut her off "Faith, I have to go."
[Faith]
"What Faith?" She asks me mad. "Is this your brand new way to get to my nerves? Because if it is, you have so achieved your aim."
I try to answer but I can't "I.."
"You know what? I hate it. I hate the way you always have to end up winning. Regardless of what I do, regardless of how many times I promise myself I am not going to let this get to me, I always end up like this."
I just have no idea of what to say, yet I make the attempt of ease things "B… I.."
"Why Faith?" She sighs "Why?"
I don't get it "Why what?"
"I mean, do you get turned on, or get some kind of pleasure when you make me suffer like this? When you get me mad? When you try to kill my family?"
OK, that's just stupid. "C'mon B. It ain't big deal. Everyday, every time, there's someone or something trying to kill you and your family. It's not like that's never happened to ya."
"Yeah but it's completely different Faith."
Different? "I don't really see how B… I don't see you crying over some vampire or demon that tried to kill you."
"Yeah but…"
I interrupt her mad. I know she was on her way to explain that but still. I want her to know that she is not the only one here with the right to get mad. "But what?"
"I don't know Faith. Damn it, you're being just like Angel."
What the hell was that supposed to mean? I have nothing alike with her ex-vampire "Huh?" I frown.
"I mean, they're… They're just plain bad guys, but you are… you are you."
Ok! I am understanding less of this every time. "What does that mean B?"
"I don't know what it means Faith. I am not sure if I want to know either… I just can't forgive you like I've forgiven everybody else. You hurt me bad."
"Yeah but I am not the only one that has hurt you bad, what about…"
"Damn it Faith, I don't know alright? It is just different with you, and don't ask me why. I CARED ABOUT YOU, I EVEN USED TO LOOK UP TO YOU. Don't you see it?"
That is a first one. My stomach feels weird now and I feel like a knot in my throat. "Yo.. you.. You did?"
She nods. "But I am just a fucked-up bitch."
"I never say you weren't" she tells me, putting all my hopes back down.
"Yeah I figured" I tell her to give the impression I had been expecting that exact answer.
"Now explain what the fuck this means before I lose my patience." She throws the paper to my face. Oh God! Stupid Cordelia. And stupid me for somehow believing in this shit. I laugh, but then I look at her, and her eyes make me forget about the funny part. There's no good way to explain this, so I'll go with the logic one. "Um… did you read it?"
"Obviously" she rolls her yes.
Well ok! I think that question was a little too stupid. "It says in there what it means."
"I thought it was a stupid prank of yours Faith." She says.
"It's not" I mentally kick myself after saying that. It would have been a very easy way out of this, but I go for the truth this very time.
She yells "DON'T YOU EVER GET TIRED OF THIS?? ARE YOU STUPID OR CR…"
I cut her off mad. She has no right to call me stupid just because. "You know what? Maybe I am stupid or crazy. But do you really think this is the best place to be right now B?? Damn it, do you think I want this? Do you think I like this? Think about it Buffy. How fun do you think it is to have a major crush on the only person in the world who is never going to forgive you? On the only person that is more straight than a fucking steel ruler, on the only person you have absolutely no chances with."
How convenient. Now she can't say anything. "I.. I…"
"No B. I don't like it, yet I just can't help it. You know what's stupid?" I ask rhetorically "I would always complain and make fun of how you'd always be 'miss perfect' and that everyone wanted to hook up with you, and now look at me, I am just one more of them. Getting lost in your hazel eyes, daydreaming of…"
She turns around I don't know why. After a little while I hear a child's saying. "Daddy, why is there two mommies in there?"
Buffy looks down and steps back. My hand falls, man, has my hand been there all the time? Cool, the only physical contact I am gonna have with B in my whole life, and it wasn't even conscious.
I open my mouth to say sorry for that, but before I speak she cuts me "Faith, I have to go."
"What? Where? Why? No!" OK! That was a little out of place, but it is already said.
"Because Faith." She pauses "I know how much this means to you, and I am really sorry, but I can't forgive you. I wish I could Faith, I'm sorry." She says walking back.
SHITSHITSHITSHIT… She can't go. She told me that she used to look up to me. But maybe that was just.. I can't, she can't. I look around everywhere to find an excuse. That's it! The car. "Bu.. But you can't go B. Your car is dead."
"I know. You can keep it."
But I don't want the car anymore. "It's your car, you… you must take care of it" I say feeling very very very weird in the stomach.
"You'll take better care of it."
"Buffy… I.."
"Please Faith, don't make this harder for you. I have to go, bye."
And she turns around, and along with her, go all my hopes. I can't be crying. I don't cry. I can't cry… Buffy don't go… "B.." …. "Bye."
I feel a knot in my throat, and I feel the tears burning my cheeks. I have never cried like this. I have never cried in a public park without even thinking of the people looking at me. But I don't give a fuck now. B left, my B left. I know that deep down inside I was never going to have a chance with her, but DAMN YOU Cordelia, did you really have to put up my hopes with those fucking love tests? I don't know… I should have never been so dumb, and it is now when I realize that somehow I did believe some kind of shitty miracle was going to happen between us. I guess that is the price I have to pay for being as naive as an eight-year-old girl. Fuck, did I really think she was going to forgive me, and that then things would be cool again? Yeah right.
I sigh and sit on the driver's seat. With the door open and my head on the wheel I'm just drowned inside my blank mind for about an hour or even more. Normally, I wouldn't give a fuck about she leaving, but right now it is different. She explicitly told me that she looked up to me and that she cared about me. It is like when you want to go to this huge concert, and you make a big ass line only to get a ticket, and once you are there in front of the counter, they say 'sorry pal, we're sold out'. Yeah, it feels like that, I feel frustrated. I want something I used to have, how cool is that? I even had her admiration, damn it, and now I have nothing but her hate and indifference. Way to go Faith!
I could fix her car, and give it back to her in Sunnyda.. NO, actually that is not a very good idea. I won't be after her like some crappy puppy dog. Is that what she wants? Alright, then that is exactly what she is going to get. I'm not a begging person, I'm so not going to crawl on my knees for her to come back. In fact, she can die right now, and it is just fine with me.
I get off the car, and angrily wipe the tears out of my eyes. I shake the shit out of my head, and start pushing the car back to Angel's. A guy approaches and asks me if I can handle the car myself. I was going to tell him to fuck off, but actually I could use some company right now.
"Where are we taking the car?" He asks me grinning.
"Uh… To Angel's" I reply absently.
"You're Angel? I mean you're an angel" He says trying to be all cool on me.
I roll my eyes. So much time locked up that I had forgotten how annoying a guy can be when he wants to hit on you. But I completely ignore his statement as If I had not listened to it.
He mutters very very quietly "cute butt".
"Thanks."
"Whoa.. did you actually hear that? Sorry, I didn't me… sorry."
"Ok" I say without paying much attention to him.
He blushes even harder and says "Now I guess I won't be able to make my move on you."
I think about it, the boy is kinda cute… and I… and I… "Come here" I say grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him into a wild kiss. I open the back door of the car and push him inside. He breathes rapidly, I take his shirt off, then sit on him. I kiss him desperately, I feel his cock is starting to get up and it is starting to touch me through his clothes. I grab his pants to pull them off as well, but my hands stop themselves in their way as realization hits me. I can't do this… not here, not in her car, not anywhere, not thinking about her, I can't.
"Uh.. cold feet?" He says snapping me out of my thoughts.
"No, I can't do this."
"Why not? I mean…"
"None of your business, now get off the car."
"Hey but…"
"GET OFF! Right now."
"Geeze but…"
"NOW!" I say as I open the car's door for him.
He starts to get off the car, and I open the other door to do the same thing. He closes the door and starts to go away, I am about to close the door as well, and… "I forgot my bag and my stake."
HOLY SHIT! "Shit B! This.. this is not what.. what you are thinking… I… him.. we…"
"I don't care alright? Just open the trunk so I can get my stuff back."
"B.. I.."
"Faith, I have no time for this ok? Give me my things, and after that, the car is yours. I don't care what the fuck you do with it, or inside it for that matter."
I feel helpless, stupid, I feel like a useless and stinky peace of dog shit. I trip over my own thoughts. I try to explain nothing actually happened "Buffy, I…"
"Just open it ok?"
I lower my head, and see that there is no solution to it, so I slowly get the key off the car and open the trunk for her. She reaches inside and gets her bag. I try to look at her, but I can't bare to do it. I screw up again. Go me… I cry.
"Goodbye."
I shrug, I swallow hard, I can't make the words inside my mouth. "Buffy, please don't leave." Too late, she's already gone.
[Buffy]
She mutters "Bye" to me as I leave, but I don't turn around nor do I answer to her. I can't forgive her, I can't. I'm too hurt. I'm sorry, Faith.
I head to the train station, it is not that far away from here, so I think I'll make it in just ten or fifteen minutes. I can't believe I really gave up my car like that. Not that I really really liked it. I mean, the thing was fine, but cars are just not my thing. I'm more a walking or give-me-a-ride person. Driving can be so stressing at times, and now that I just found out that you have to water them. Man that is so not fun. She'll take better care of it than me. I know I would have ended up throwing it away probably.
I'm finally at the train station, and I go to where they sell the tickets. "When does the next train for Sunnydale leaves."
"Uhm, miss, it left ten minutes ago."
"No way" I say a little frustrated.
"The next train will depart in three hours though."
If I had known the train was going to take that long, I would have sticked with the car.
"Are you going to wait for it?"
"Huh?" I say realizing she was talking to me.
"Are you going to take the next train to Sunnydale."
"Yeah, sure, whatever."
I pay her, she gives me the ticket and I go sit down in some bench. There's a woman about forty years old sitting kind of close to me. She smiles slightly at me, as if she were greeting, I do the same not to seem impolite. After a while, she talks to me. She must be really bored.
"Where are you going?"
"Sunnydale" I answer mechanically.
"Me too."
"Cool" I say without really caring of what she says.
"What's your name?"
"Buffy."
"What has you like that Buffy? A girl of your age should be all happy and radiant, not all sad and dull."
"It's nothing" I say looking at the floor.
"Come on, it can't be nothing. You can tell me, perhaps I could help you with some advice or anything."
"I don't really think so."
"Try me."
"Well… there is this person, Faith, well you see I really want to forgive her, but I just can't trust her or I don't know. I mean, I have forgiven a lot of people, REAL bad people, but I can't forgive her, and I am hurting one of my dearest friends by it too."
"But, have you ever analyzed why you can't trust her?"
"She betrayed me, she hurt me bad, I trusted her."
"And the other people you've forgotten, did you trust them too?"
"Yeah, some of them. And you see? The thing is that I also found out today that she kind of has a crush on me."
"And that bothers you?"
"No, I don't know…the thing is that… that… I don't know."
"Do you have a crush on her too?"
"Me? On Faith? Oh no."
"Your eyes tell a different story."
"I know… I am such a bad liar. I mean, I don't really know if it is a crush or anything, but I have thought of her in the past, and today when I found out she liked me, I felt kind of weird in the stomach. But it was probably because I was mad."
"Did you tell her?"
"What? That I might have liked her?"
"Yeah."
"No, what for? I'm still hurting and that would only bring more trouble to our situation. Honestly, we don't need that right now."
"You know what I think?"
"What?"
"You want that girl…"
I interrupt her with wide eyes "WHAT?!?!?!"
"Let me finish. You still like her, come on, it is completely obvious. I don't know what she did to you, but it seems that she hurt you deep down inside; however, Buffy, as I said, you still like her, or even love her. Try to forgive her, try hard."
"That's the thing, I can't."
"Why."
A couple of tears slide down my cheek "Because. Because she'll hurt me again. Because I loved her and maybe still do a little, but she will hurt me."
"Give her a chance Buffy, go look for her. Is she in Sunnydale?"
"No, she's practically around the corner."
"And you're running away from her?"
"Yeah."
"Can I slap you please?"
"Huh?" I frown.
"I mean, go get her back, give her a chance, just kiss her, and if it feels right, then you'll know what to do."
I sigh, this feels very weird "Do you really think I should do that?"
"Yeah."
"But my ticket? But my pride?"
"Come on, it's a couple of bucks, it won't make you poor or rich."
"Yeah, you're right."
"And if you are that desperate to keep your pride, then… Uhm, did you give her something? Or forgot something at her house that you might pretend to want back? So you can make the whole situation look more casual."
"It's not her house, she was in my car."
"Well DUH! You can say you want your car back."
"That's dumb. I gave it to her."
"Did you leave anything inside?"
UH.. I try to remember, then it hits me. My stake! "My s… My bag of clothes? Yeah! My bag of clothes."
"What are you waiting for, just go."
"But.."
"GO."
I feel like I am smiling like a little kid. That's it… I'll tell her I forgot my clothing, which I actually did, yeah, and we'll see what happens. I turn around and wave to the lady "Thanks". She waves back. My hands are sweating cold. I feel nervous… I hope this turns out in a good way. I exhale nervously as I approach the park. God, Is this correct?!?! Do I really know what I am going to do? Should I do it? What the hell. I am in the park, she's not there anymore, my smile fades, but it comes back when I look further and yeah, there is the car. It's not moving, and she's not outside, she must be inside. I close my fists, swallow hard, and go where the car is.
My smile definitely fades, and a tear slides down my cheek when I see she's kissing some guy. I should just turn back around and forget I ever thought I was going to forgive Faith, but I want her to know I was going to forgive her and that I saw her, I want her to know.
I stop and wipe away a few tears of my eyes. How stupid can one person be? Faith, being honest? Being sorry? Caring about me? Yeah right…
The guy gets off the car mad and goes away without even looking at her. I don't know who the hell he is, she must know. She gets off the car too, and I am close enough to make her jump with my voice. "I forgot my bag and my stake," I say mad.
She gives me one of her cocky shrugs, looks at the floor and says "Shit B! This.. this is not what.. what you are thinking… I… him.. we…"
I am so mad at myself right now. Stupid lady, I really thought this could be different "I don't care alright? Just open the trunk so I can get my stuff back."
"B.. I.."
"Faith, I have no time for this ok? Give me my things, and after that, the car is yours. I don't care what the fuck you do with it, or inside it for that matter."
She tries to explain herself helplessly and uselessly "Buffy, I…"
"Just open it ok?"
She opens the trunk, I get my stuff and walk away with tears in my face she hopefully doesn't see. How stupid can one person be? "Goodbye" I say as I walk away.
I don't want to go back to the train station. The lady is there and I honestly don't want to see her because I would have to explain that there's no way Faith could change and that this is as good as it is going to get. I go back to the park, however, and sit in one bench. Everything is so fucked up now. I hate myself for this. This is exactly why I didn’t want to forgive Faith, because I knew that sooner or later, she'd hurt me again. And I love her, that I can't deny. It wouldn't hurt as much to see her with some guy if I didn't. Regardless of the fact that she does that all the time, it always hurts. I feel like I'm being slapped right in the face, and yet I dare to offer my hand to her again, so she takes it and pushes me to the floor once again. I wish things were different. I don't like being hurt, it is just that Faith and I can connect in a way no one else can. She understands me, she knows what I keep unsaid, she knows me. I can't hide from her. Yet she is an idiot, and I hate her. I hate her guts, I will never understand her ways. I need to…
"B, I mean… Buffy, can we please talk?"
I'm snapped out of my thoughts by her. I don't want to answer, but she is right in front of me. "We have nothing to talk about" I say looking at the floor.
"Yes we do."
"About what, for example?"
"First, uhm… could you let me explain that nothing actually happened between me and that guy?"
I close my eyes, let out a sigh, and shake my head "Faith, I don't care about your sex life. I have never cared, I don't see why I should now." It's a lie, but I must show my tough side now.
"B. Please, it's not what you think, it.."
I interrupt her mad "Faith, please understand, I DON'T CARE. You got it? I don't care. Now please, don't make this harder for me. I've had enough of this already, I've had enough of you already, Faith. I can't stand having to confront you right now after this. It is none of my business, it shouldn't matter. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't feel weird, I shouldn't feel like crying, I shouldn't…"
"But you are B, and I'm sorry… I.."
"IT'S NOT ENOUGH BEING SORRY. You're always sorry. You do something, sorry; you kill someone, sorry; you hurt someone, sorry. It is not enough Faith, I have given you too many chances, and I can't believe I was so about to give you one more."
A tear falls down her cheek as her eyes look at the floor. It's been so long since I saw her crying. "You were really gonna?"
"Yes Faith, or what? Did you think I only wanted my clothes?"
"Can you still give me a chance Buffy? Please?"
"Faith, it is not that simple. I wasn't even sure if I could actually forgive you."
"But I love you."
"It doesn't matter. I can't. You'll betray me again. I know you will."
"I won't."
"YOU DID JUST RIGHT NOW. For God's sake Faith, how much time did it go by? Thirty minutes? Forty? An hour? You will Faith."
"But I didn't do it Buffy. I couldn't, I wanted, yeah, but I couldn't. I was thinking of you. I can't get you off my head. I CAN'T. I don't want either. I …"
"I don't know Faith" I sob "Don't do this to me, you're ripping out my heart right now. You're hurting me more than ever…"
She interrupts me, sitting down in the same bench I am, right next to me "But you said you don't care about me and I…"
"And I bet you've said exactly the same, hundreds of thousands of times, but the difference is that I actually do, Faith" I mumble "I love you."
"WHAT?" She open her eyes widely.
"Are you really that dumb?"
"I…"
She breathes heavily and leans in, in order to kiss me, but I pull back and stop her face with my hands "You're misunderstanding this Faith. I can't do this. I don't know yet if I actually can forgive you Faith.."
"But you told me you were about to…"
"I know, but things happen for a reason" I shrug "Maybe, this is not right, maybe we're not meant for each other."
"But I didn't mean to be with that mother fucker."
"Yet, you did."
"BUT I AM SORRY… I'M SO SORRY. Please don't leave." She holds my wrist while I stand up.
"I love you too" I close my eyes, let out a sigh, and kiss her forehead.
I stand up, give my back to her, and start walking. She stands up after me and says "Buffy, please…"
"Don't, just don't… If you love me, you'll let me go…"
"But I… " She sobs.
"Thank you" I say as I realize that she's not following me anymore. I turn around to see her, and she's sitting in the bench, with her face on her legs. "I really do love you Faith, I swear I do."
She doesn't answer. She's crying… I'm crying too, but I go… I turn around again, and leave.
[Faith]
B left, she left again, she left forever. She left a hole in my heart, she left me wounded. I understand now, all the damage I did to her. It hurts so much I don't even want to be here. She says that she loves me, that she really loves me, but I don't raise my head to answer. I just stay in here, trying to turn back time, only that I can't. DAMN YOU BUFFY!!!! Why couldn't you make up your mind a little earlier? I wouldn't have fucked up again. I fucked up. Maybe she's right. She knew I'd betray her again, maybe she's too perfect for me. Maybe I…
"Just give her time."
HUH? I jump… "whu… what?"
It's Cordelia's voice, I didn't recognize it. "She…"
"She left." She says sitting by my side.
"Well DUH! I know that. She said that.. that… that she loved me."
"We all do somehow Faith, you're not alone."
"NO, but she loved me. Like… like… like I do."
"Maybe you're misunderstanding thin…"
"NO, SHE TOLD ME DAMN IT!" I say, rising my head and finally looking at her. "How did you find me?"
"Well, I may not have slayer sight, but your slutty cologne can be traced from over a mile away from here."
She makes me laugh, and I slap her softly in the arm… "You recommended me that cologne Cordelia."
"Oh, shut up" she says, slapping me in the head playfully. "I saw the car over there, and I figure out you'd be in the park."
I stand up, wiping away the tears. Let a very deep sigh, and say "I have to make up my mind. I have a lot of shit inside, and I need to think."
"I know…" Cordelia says "Let's go home, I bought the whipped cream you asked me for."
"GOD, I had forgotten about it" I say laughing.
"Uh, no, I didn't buy it. But it is always good to make you believe that I actually did."
"You got me there" I say faking enthusiasm.
"So, what do you say."
I sigh again, and play with my hands. "I can't Cordy. I need to think, a lot, I think I need to start over. To move on, to leave her alone, she doesn't deserve what I have done to her, you know?"
"Hey, why are you being like that?"
"Cause. Just… tell Angel, he's been great, and that I'll be calling him soon."
"Hey but…"
I lean in, and give her a very quick kiss on the lips.
"HEY!" she says surprised.
I laugh. "Wasn't gonna go without a kiss from the homecoming queen" I wink my left eye to her. Then, I throw the key to Angel's house to her.
She doesn't know what to say "I…"
"You guys have been great. I love you all. Specially you, you're a good friend, kinda bitchy and slutty, but at the end, deep down inside you're a great friend. I love you all, tell Angel I say thanks."
"Take care of yourself you dyke."
"Oh I will… I'll be calling you soon. And don't throw away that whipped cream, we might use it when I come to visit."
She shakes her head laughing. "You will never change, Faith."
"Bye" I say as I walk towards the car.
She knew it was better, so she stayed in the park. Once I got to the car, I start pushing it to some place where I can get a new battery and stuff, and I am waiting for the technician to finish changing the battery, and also 'water' the car, as B says.
[Buffy]
….45 minutes later after she left the park
*Knocking on the door*
"Yeah."
"Uhm, Cordelia?"
*Door Opens*
"Buffy? Hadn't you left?"
"Yeah, well… no… I mean yeah, or … just. Is Faith home?"
"FAITH? Why are you asking for her?"
"None of your business" I answer rudely "Now, can you please ask her to come outside."
"Buffy, she's gone."
My heart skips a beat "What do you mean she's gone."
"That she left."
"When? Why? Where did she go?"
"Uh.. I don't know, she left like half an hour ago."
My heart beats rapidly, as I feel very weird, like I just lost something "A.. are you sure you don't know where did she go?"
"She said she wanted to start over, I don't know where she is Buffy, I'd tell you if I knew."
"Yeah, thanks I guess" I say exhaling nervously. "I… I.. I gotta go."
"Aren't you going to talk to Angel?"
"Uh, maybe some other time… I need to.. I need to… I need to go" I sigh "Bye."
"Bye."
*Door Closes*
I sigh and sit on Angel's doorstep for a while. She left, huh? Why am I still going after her? After all of this, in spite of myself. In spite of everything. I don't know. Too many questions, no answers. I wish I could make it all easier. There was something in her eyes though. Something that told me that maybe, just maybe, this time she wasn't lying. But still, it is so hard, so hard.
I stand up slowly and start walking with no direction. I could just stay here, but something deep within me tells me that I should go and find her. I don't know where to start, so I just wander around with no direction, just walk. Maybe, I'll find her. Maybe I won't. If I do, it'll be because destiny wanted me to find her. And if I don't, it'll be because… this just wasn't meant to be.
[Faith]
After an hour and a half, the guy's done repairing the car. I pay him, and when I count the money, he tells me "actually, if you are short, you can pay me without money, if you know what I'm saying."
"I'm not short, but thanks" I hand him the money and fake a smile.
"Fifty percent off for you, next time you come."
"Don't live here."
"Oh."
I get in the car, turn the key, start the engine and hmmm I love its sound. I accelerate, and get out the workshop.
"B's such a cheap, the tank is almost empty" I go to a gas station.
I feed the car, full tank, then go to the car wash to shower him. They wash it and then wax it. It looks sooo neat. So cool, I am having second thoughts about returning the car to Buffy, but it is what I have to do, after all it is her car, and she only gave it up to get rid of me. So I'll give it back.
I sit in the car again, accommodate the mirrors, check the glove compartment, and there is B's stake, along with a state map, and an air freshener that is still new. I take off the air freshener and hang it in the mirror. I also take out the stake and admire it for a while. The peace of wood feels weird in my hand at first, but then flashbacks of the past come to my mind again.
After a while, I wake up from my thoughts and put the stake where B and I used to put it, in our waistband. Feels familiar, feels natural… feels like me.
B must be in the train station, so I ask one guy for directions. When I go there, I realize that the station is not as crowded as it usually is, or as it used to be when I came here from Sunnydale. I approach the cashier lady and ask her.
"Excuse me, the train for Sunnydale, when is it going to depart?"
"It just departed three minutes ago" the girl giggles.
"What is so funny?"
"Nothing, you just reminded me of a girl who came just like you, shortly after the train had already gone."
"Like I care."
"She was going to Sunnydale too."
I frown "was she blond with hazel eyes?"
"Yes."
"So she has left already?"
"I think so, she bought her tickets for the train that has just departed."
"Thanks anyways."
"Aren't you going to wait for the train?"
"No, I was actually looking for her, anyways. Thanks."
"No problem."
I go back to the car, pull a cigarette out of the box and light it up. I exhale.. Guess I'm gonna have to stay with the car now that she's gone. A voice in the back of my head tells me that I could actually go to Sunnydale, but I don't think it is such a good idea.
'I thought you were going to move on and leave B alone.' Well, right. I had forgotten. Sometimes I would think I'm crazy for having voices in my head reminding me the stuff I have to do. Yeah, maybe that's better, I'll give it a try. Anyways… I really need to go to new places.
I am about to throw the butt of the cigarette out the window when I hear someone saying. "I don't really like people smoking in my car, you know? But since you've done a great work washing it and waxing it. I forgive you."
I've been walking around for about half an hour with no direction, and no success at all. I went to the nearest workshop, but there's no Faith in there. I would have asked the guy, but he seemed pretty much a pervert, he wouldn't stop grabbing his dick. I can't believe he even offered me to shake hands hello.
Part of me kind of hopes I don't find her, it would be easier that way, that's for sure. But the easy way is not always the best way. So I'm in a cross road here, I want to find her, but at the same time I just hope I don't, yet I'm looking for her. I don't know, I guess I'm just confused, my brain is screaming to me not to do this, but there's something beyond words what is dragging me towards her.
I look at my watch, another half an hour has gone by already, and I keep walking in circles. I've passed by the workshop again, and the gas station, and the food place, I don't know where else to look. I go to the park again and sit where we were sitting a while ago. I sigh, it's a crazy life, isn't it? I think the whole world has conspired against me to do this. One thing is for sure, I didn't come to Los Angeles to do such a thing. I guess it all comes on its own, I didn't even think I was ever going to see her again, yet here I am, meditating on what to do.
It would all clear up if she were right in front of me right now. I think that's why part of me hopes I don't find her, because if I do, I know that my feelings are going to take over my head and I might end up doing something I regularly wouldn't.
I feel weird. I feel anxious because I want to find her and not to find her at the same time, because I want to forgive her and I don't want to do it at the same time. Because it isn't right, and yet it feels right, it feels like something I just have to do. Because I'm afraid she would fail again, or that I might fail again as well. I'm afraid.
Some slaying would definitely help to clear my mind right now, too bad it's still early. I could go slay Angel, but I think I'll save him for a more desperate situation, this I can fight, I know. It's just matter of decision, but my brain decides, I've walked around through all these places and there's no sign of her. She could be miles away right now, besides it is Faith. I don't think she's wandering around looking and waiting for me, like I'm doing for her. She must have gotten tired.
I have made a decision, but my body still resists to move, I guess I was really expecting to find her, too bad I couldn't. My head is still moving crazy around everywhere to see if she's anywhere around. My brain screams to me again 'GO, GO JUST GO, she's not here, SHE'S GONE' I sigh deeply, still hoping for a sign she's still there somewhere awaiting for me.
I'm frozen in the seat in spite of all my muscles, which are practically forcing me to go. I swallow hard, and I look for a sign everywhere. If this is a matter of destiny, then there must be one.
I start to feel a little cold, so I stick my hands in my pocket. I reach some paper that feels weird to my touch, I take it out and look at it. It's my train ticket to go back home. Some voice in the back of my head tells me 'that's your sign! She's gone'. I take a deep breath, but yeah… that's right, that's my sign, this is not meant to be. I glance at my watch, and I'm just in time to go to the train station to catch my train.
Reluctantly I walk really slowly to the train station, and in every corner I am around to turn, I think that she might be there. Just smoking or driving, or repairing the car, or just fucking some guy, but there. However, she's not. Every once in a while I think I listen to her voice calling me, but there's nothing when I turn around. It's hard to believe she's not going to be there, or that I'm not going to find her.
Well, I guess this is it then. It was good while it lasted, I sigh again, I really wanted to give her a chance, and still hope to run into her around the corner, or along the way. But then again, my brain reminds me that she could be miles away from here now. I bet she is. Good luck Faith, goodbye Faith.
I walk, and walk, and the station seems like miles away from here. I want to turn around, but it would be pointless because she won't be there when I do. She will never be there again, guess I blew our last chance.
I feel a warm drop of water tingling my cheek, I blush, I can't believe I'm really feeling this, anyways, it's all already done, it's not like I can turn back time.
I breathe deeply, this is the corner of the station, and this is the last corner to turn around, with this all my non-sense hope to find her goes away because I'm here, one step from going away, and unless she's in the train, this won't happen. I know myself, and the more I think about it, the crazier this idea gets. So it was like this, now or never. I guess never it is.
I turn around the corner, and I see some car which happens to look like my ex-car. Or it is probably my imagination playing some cheap trick with me. I'm still dragged to go check it out though. I see an arm with a cigarette, but my face lightens. It is not just some arm, it is HER arm, I would recognize that red leather jacket everywhere, I think it was her only leather jacket, or her favorite one.
I feel like a child right now, smiling and pinching myself to see if it's really true. I'm about to walk to the car, but I stop on my tracks, I stick my hand in my pocket, take the ticket out, and tear it up. Now there won't be a chance for my brain to make me escape from this, I'll have to deal with it, and it is not like I don't want to do it either, because I really do. I've been looking forward to this little encounter all this time.
I stand by the car silently, take a deep breath, and let her know I'm here "I don't really like people smoking in my car, you know? But since you've done such great work washing it and waxing it. I forgive you."
[Faith]
I am about to throw the butt of the cigarette out the window when I hear someone saying. "I don't really like people smoking in my car, you know? But since you've done such great work washing it and waxing it. I forgive you."
I choke with the smoke and start coughing like crazy. That one really really caught me by surprise.
"Are you ok?" she looks at me kind of concerned.
I gasp for air a few seconds. "Yeah, five by five" I tell her still coughing a little.
She goes away, I frown. No, she opens the front door and sits there facing me. "what were you doing here?"
I shake my head slightly "I don't know, I guess I came to give you your car back."
"I gave it to you."
"Yeah, but it was only to get rid of me, so it doesn't count."
"No, actually I don't really like it. Even less now that I've found out that you have to water it and that it gets hot every now and then, and everything else, you know?"
I smile, but still don't look at her "You never really liked cars B."
"I know."
"Yeah."
After that, neither of us says anything, there's probably a lot to say, yes, but nothing seems to come out of my mouth, regardless of how many times I try to speak. I look at her with the corner of my eye, she's playing nervously with her hands, and frowning; probably thinking of what the hell to say. The silence gets kind of uncomfortable, I'd say something, but my lack of tact would probably screw it up all over again, so I think I'll wait until she says something.
About three minutes have gone by already and it is getting really odd. I think I might have to say at least so…
"Dawn made me buy it" she snaps me out of my thoughts.
"Huh?"
"The car, Dawn made me buy it."
Ok, something is wrong here. B buys a car because some girl orders her to do so? "Dawn who?"
"Dawn Summers, my sister? You know her, it is…" She suddenly stops speaking and her lips form a perfect circle "Oooh, you don't know Dawn."
"Duh! I think I made that pretty much clear when I said 'Dawn who?'"
"Uh" she looks puzzled, and I must look very curious. B's got a car, a cell phone, and a SISTER? Fuck, things really change in three years.
"It's a long story" she continues.
"Uhm. It's ok, I get it" I say looking down, recognizing the indirect right away.
She hurries back to say "No, I mean I'll tell you about her. I'll get there. Just let me tell you about the car first…"
I raise my eyebrows surprised. Buffy's being communicative?!?!?! Something's got to be seriously wrong here. An hour ago, she would have broken my ribs if possible, but she's telling me about her car? I just don't get it.
"…So, I just had to buy it for her, you know?" She smiles slightly shaking her head.
"Uh yeah" I say absently.
"You didn't hear a single word I said, did you?" She asks rhetorically.
I sigh "Listen, I don't want to be rude, alright? But you're messing up with my head, Buffy" I finally look at her "You can't tell me to get lost, to let you go, and then come here sit, and try to chat with me as if nothing had happened. It confuses me I…" She looks sad now. GREAT! There you go, talking about some lack of tact.
"Yeah, I'm sorry" she sighs "but look this is difficult enough as it is already. I wanted to start over, I…"
Know what? Fuck the tact. "We can't start over B."
Way to go Faith, now we're arguing again "WHAT? First you say that you wish I could forgive you, and that you're sorry, and I can't believe I even thought you seemed sincere." She sighs "I guess it was all a mistake, AGAIN."
She opens the car to go, but I hold her wrist "wait, that's not what I meant."
"Then?" She looks expectantly with the door still open.
"We can't start over B, cause starting over is not forgiving. It would be like doing it all over again, and just forgetting about what happened, it would be lying to ourselves. I need you to forgive me, it is the only way things can work out right now, at least for me. We can't hide from the past. If there's something I have learned in jail, well besides of cake baking, is that you can't really hide from it B. It'll stalk you and chase you wherever you go. You gotta accept whatever you did and whoever you were, and learn to live with it. So, I'm sorry B, I really want this too, but if you can't forgive, which I would understand though, we can't go on. I'm an ex-con, an ex-psycho, and probably a crazy person, and at some point I got accept everything I did, and who I were. I'm not happy with it, nor will I ever be, but it's just something I can't change… and I feel guilty, I feel bad, so the only way is if you forgive me."
She closes the door, so I let go of her wrist. She just looks at the floor now, and I know that she won't say a word anytime soon, and I don't know what the hell to tell her so we fall in the awkward silence again. The seconds feel like minutes, and the minutes feel like hours; I would say something, but it is her the one who has to tell me if she is going to forgive me or not.
Eventually she opens her mouth and shyly mumbles "I think we both need to forgive each other."
"Huh?" I say absently, but then I listen to her words in my head again and they are clear "Uh… I've already forgiven you, Buffy."
"Really?"
"Yeah" I say.
"You do realize this is something very hard to do, don't you?"
"Don't feel obligated to do something you don't want to… Do what feels right."
"It does feel right, Faith."
"Really?"
"Yeah… I want to forgive you."
"But…?" I expect her next words with anxiety.
"There's no buts, I really want to Faith."
She swallows hard and holds my hand nervously. She's sweating, I know this is not easy for her. I lock my eyes with her without saying a word, she takes a deep breath, and finally manages to say "I… I forgive you Faith."
...continued in part 11...