Virtue
by LindaMarie
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: The characters and universe included in this story belong to
Joss Whedon and his affiliates. No infringement intended.
Spoilers: Up through late season four of BtVS.
Author's Notes: I swore I'd never see the day I wrote a 'fic from Buffy's
POV. Yet another vow broken, and badly, at that.
Prompt/Improv: Standing in a Doorway.
Feedback: Yes, please, but privately.
"No one leaves for heaven anymore, that ill-lit, inhospitable planet the color of eggshell, sick with candles and flowers. It empties itself of all things outlandish, that is its purpose. --"Physics," Chase Twichell
It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It's like...It's like everything's backwards, and I'm standing here and it's like my mom all over again. There's nothing I can /do/. And I'm the Slayer. I'm the one who makes everything better, makes all the monsters go away. Yeah, right.
I was supposed to be gone before you. I mean, there's only meant to be one of us at a time. Ever. One after another, dying and being called in some kind of vicious cycle. But it didn't work that way, and I'm still here, Faith, and you're /dead/ and there's no changing that.
I'm standing in the doorway of the hospital room, wondering why everyone has to die on me but I have to keep living. Damn. They kept you locked up in that cell almost right 'til the end, only to move you into another kind of cell, a cold sterile room in a clean generic hospital. This place is everything you hated, I know. You spent too long in Sunnydale General after I almost killed you to want to be in a hospital again. You shouldn't have gone out like this.
I never told you a lot of things, Faith. I had to be good, because that's how they brought me up and that's who I am. I couldn't tell you lots of things or be honest or even /nice/. And I /had/ to kill you, I had to be tough and kill the only person who understood me completely. Even though I didn't succeed, I had to try, because "true love conquers all" and there were just things I had to do. I never really wanted to hurt you, Faith. I had to because it was my duty.
But I wanted to be you. I wanted to want, take, have, and not care what they thought. Sometimes I knew exactly how you felt, and I wanted to just sink into your skin and dance like there was no tomorrow. Of course, if I'd done that, there /wouldn't/ have been a tomorrow, so maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself--except now there really won't be a tomorrow for you.
I don't know how to tell you what I need to. I never have, but I've got to do it now because there won't be another chance to say it to your face. So I guess I'll try again.
I /wanted/ you, Faith. I wanted to own you, body and soul, to be part of your weird twisted leather and red lipstick world. But I mean, we're both girls and it just...I just didn't think it would work. I just ended up sort of...settling for what I got. It was almost enough, being in your body like that for a little while. I could almost pretend I really was you. I almost didn't want my own body back.
I'd already screwed everything up by then. I let you down in a thousand different ways, and then I freaking /killed/ you. Or I might as well have. I did it all for a boyfriend, for a /lover/ who couldn't even stick by me when things were getting rough. I should have stuck by you, instead.
Faith, I'm just sorry everything ended up this way. I know it's a little late to start confessing everything like this, but...I just felt it needed saying, even if I didn't say it in time. Mom used to tell me that faith is a virtue, and now it's one I'll never have.