Contradictions
by Lip Shakur
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss.
Author's Notes: Faith is released from jail and both Slayers have to deal with whats
happened in the past.
Dedication: To Caitlin, who i have probably said all of this to at some stage
or another.
BUFFY’S POV
Falling in love with Faith was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
At least that’s what I tell myself. No matter what goes wrong in my life, I can somehow seem to make it Faith’s fault. Even now when she’s been in jail for the past 5 years.
Everything was pretty much ok with my life, and being ‘Ok’ is a huge improvement from the “heart-wrenching-pain” and “confused-disorientated-angst-ridden-haze” periods.
I was coming to terms with the fact that Angel was gone. Never believe the phrase ‘unconditional love’ people, because that’s crap. There is ALWAYS something someone can do to make you stop loving them. Weather it’s sleeping with your best friend, hitting you or just acting like a prick, there’s always something. For me it was when Angel tried to kill my friends that I started getting the feeling something was wrong in our relationship. Then he killed Miss Calendar and the anger within me started to burn away at our love. The nail in the coffin was probably when he tried to send me and the rest of the world to Hell. While a part of me argues that it wasn’t Angel who did all those things, another part of me knows that I’ll never be able to look at him the same way, to feel the same emotions stir when our eyes meet. But I’m getting off track.
Where was I? Yeah, everything was mostly ok with my life. I was nearly completely over Angel, my friends had forgiven me for the whole running away incident and my mother was accepting the secrets I’d kept from her for years.
Then she shows up.
Her, with her big made up stories, her leather pants, and her dark eyes that can express her so well. Honestly, I was jealous. Everyone wanted to know about the other slayer and I felt insecure. Unlike Kendra, Faith was gonna stay in Sunnydale long term. I was the one who was supposed to protect them. I was the Chosen One. So when things about her started getting suspicious, I was gonna make sure I was the first one in the “I told you so” line.
Except it didn’t work out that way. Somewhere along the line of us fighting for our lives against a cloven vampire who just wouldn’t be staked, the gloating got forgotten. Especially when Faith saved me from said vampire. I knew how much it must have took for her to stand up to him, she’d told me the story of what he’d done to her watcher. She thanked me for helping her, and that look in her eyes sparked something in me that I hadn’t felt for a long time.
Instead of jealousy, I felt gratitude. Thankful for her being there, someone who could understand me, not just Buffy Summers, but Buffy The Vampire Slayer. And she did understand, just as I understood her. It went unsaid; we didn’t exactly have huge heart to hearts, but just being in her presence, knowing I wasn’t alone in something that no one else could understand fulfilled me. But Faith had insecurities, she had issues I couldn’t break through no matter how hard I tried. Eventually she started pushing me away, like she was issuing me a warning not to get too close.
I didn’t love her. Not then. Not anytime for the foreseeable future at that point. But that didn’t mean I didn’t want her around. You ever hear the saying ‘Setting yourself up for a fall’? I guess that was what we were both doing. We acted recklessly and didn’t think of the consequences until it was too late. I’m sure there’s a moral in there somewhere.
Allan was dead. And Faith had…no WE had killed him. It didn’t matter who dealt the final blow, we were in it together. But Faith decided she wanted to play the badass act. Told me she didn’t care and thought of all the reasons why it didn’t matter, that we were still in the right. I couldn’t see it that way. Faith knew me well enough by then to know that eventually I’d go to Giles. I’d crack. So she decided to betray me.
It hurt more than it should have. I wanted to hate her. I wanted to scream at her and ask her why she’d lied to Giles. Did she think that I’d finger her for the whole thing? Let her take the blame? As much as I wanted to hate her and act out some wronged woman plot, I tried everything to stop her destroying herself, and destroying whatever bond it was we shared. When I went to the docks to stop her leaving she must have realised that I cared more for her than just a slayer thing. Still she wouldn’t accept blame, wouldn’t let me help her. I was finally beginning to think she really didn’t care.
So she saved my life. She restored the faith I had in her. She could have so easily left me to die, just walked away and never looked back but she didn’t. And she stayed. How was I to know she was working as the Mayors pet slayer project?
Remember before when I mentioned the periods in my life that included heart-wrenching pain? Triple that and then throw in some more angst just to spice it up. That’s how I felt. The girl played me. Luckily I knew her pretty damn well and before it was too late me and Angel came up with a plan to see if she really was as backstabbing as I prayed she wasn’t.
She spoke down to me, she rubbished almost everything I’d ever done, my whole life, she held a knife to my throat and told me how much she’d enjoy watching ‘Angelus’ cut into me. And all I did was hope that any second she’d see the error of her ways.
She didn’t.
Faith became my greatest foe. I hated her. For real this time. Anger surged through me whenever I thought of her. She made me hate myself too, which made me hate her more. Funny how hate works huh?
I wanted to kill her. When I went to her apartment I wanted to kill her. While we were fighting I wanted to kill her. As we crashed through the window, I wanted to kill her. I wanted to kill her right up until the second I thought I had. And then she was gone, her words ringing in my ears.
‘Shoulda been there, B.’
I wanted to be there! I wanted to be with you!
Faith lay in a coma for 8 months. Not a day went by when I didn’t think of her. I never went to see her. I no longer knew whether to hate her. Had she redeemed herself? Did she tell me how to kill the Mayor or was that some crazy dream induced by my blood loss?
I found the answer out when Faith woke up and was still crazy. She stole my body. Like she couldn’t have had it anytime she’d wanted before… I got it back though. Faith had a pretty good time for a while there. Fucking my boyfriend and all. And then guess what? I find her in the arms of my ex boyfriend. That girl sure had a thing for people associated with me. She wanted to apologise. I knew just by looking at her. There was no way I’d let her. Knowing that the whole time I’d been battling with my feelings for her, she’d been thinking of ways to screw me, and not literally, was too much for me to handle. Too much for me to forgive.
So when she went to jail, I should have been happy. Should have felt at peace. Right? Wrong. I felt empty. Part of me was in that cell with her, locked up. And that’s why I’ll forever hate Faith. She took a part of me I can never get back.
There really is a thin line between love and hate. Me and Faith have always been crossing the line, we crossed it so much that I don’t even know where we stand anymore.
Which could really be a problem. Really. Faith gets released from jail today. It hasn’t been said, but I get the feeling she’ll be here sooner or later.
And I don’t know whether that burning feeling in my chest is anger, love, or apprehension.
You’re free now Faith, does that mean I am too?
FAITH’S POV
Buffy Summers. The girl is just a paradox onto herself. She sure the hell is to me. When I’m around here, which hasn’t been a while, I don’t know who I am. My whole life has been an act. When I first arrived in Sunnydale, I acted good. Not that I’m bad at heart, I just acted better than I actually was. The closest I ever got to ending the whole façade I had going was when I was with Buffy. But because everything was based on a lie, I couldn’t fully let go. I couldn’t show her who I really was because then she’d want nothing more to do with me. I needed her. But I pushed her away. Maybe Buffy isn’t the paradox; maybe it’s all just me.
When Allan died, when I killed him I could no longer go on acting like I was good. So instead I acted like I was bad. Did a damn good job at it too. I even scared myself. But even then Buffy was the only thing I cared about. She was so in control, so determined, righteous and holy. She was everything I’ve ever longed to be. And we used to be friends. She used to care about me. And God I loved her. But the bad girl act doesn’t cover feelings, emotions and all that crap so instead I turned it all into hate, anger and jealousy and fired it straight at her. I did everything I could to hurt her; I ended up hurting myself more.
Ending up in LA crying on Angel’s shoulder was the moment. The downfall thing that people talk about. I wasn’t acting then. I haven’t since. The last time I saw B, was after she’d saved my ass from the Watchers Council. What’d I tell you about that girl being a saviour? I saw her as I gave my confession and I saw the look in her eyes. Raw pain. Pain that I caused. Angry soul eating pain. A slight flicker of hope but mostly pain. And that’s the sight that I’ve carried in my head for the past 5 years.
Angel visited me a lot while I was in jail. Most of the time we skirted around the issue of Buffy. Sometimes he’d let things slip. Like she’d been in LA and I’d feel hurt but then angry at myself for even thinking she’d come and visit me.
Now I’m free. In most senses of the word. I’m no longer behind bars, I’m no longer playing a part in my own little soap opera. But until I see Buffy again, I can’t move forward. I have something that belongs to her. Something that can be put back, put to rest, whatever. Even if she spits on me, beats me down, which is highly likely, at least she’ll have closure…and at least then I can move on for whatever comes next.
I’m coming Buffy. And I know that you know.
It was two weeks after Faith’s release. Every day Buffy had prepared herself for the brunettes return. And every day when it hadn’t happened she’d felt something she couldn’t distinguish, between sorrow and anger for making her wait.
Stalking around a graveyard at 10pm on a Friday night was a very sad thing. It was also something Buffy had done since she was 16. That made her feel sadder. She could go over to Xander and Anya’s apartment. They’d mentioned something about getting together to watch videos. Willow and Tara would be there. Something’s never changed. Deciding a late appearance was better than none at all, Buffy scanned the graveyard one last time before she took off. That’s when she saw her.
Faith was looking right at her, no more than fifteen feet away. Her hair was longer, loose curls running down its length. The leather pants were unsurprisingly still there, as were the boots and denim jacket. But the way Faith stood, her body language and as Buffy looked at her face, her eyes were different. There was no wall surrounding her, no barbed wire you would catch yourself on if you got too close.
Breathing deeply, Buffy slowly approached her. Faith turned her gaze to the floor, her head slightly bowed.
“I knew you’d come.” Buffy told her, matter of fact.
“I know.” Faith almost mumbled.
“Why’d you come back?” Buffy got straight to the point, not liking the feelings struggling within her.
“I needed to see you.” Faith said honestly.
“You come all this way to see me and then stare at the ground? Something’s wrong with that theory.” Buffy wanted Faith to look at her, wanted to see her eyes close up.
Faith slowly raised her head. Bracing herself, she looked straight at Buffy. Their eyes locked and they both got that strange pull in their stomachs that lasts only a few seconds.
“You look different.” Buffy managed to say.
“The threads are mine. They gave them back to me when I was released.” Faith looked down at herself.
“I wasn’t talking about your clothes.”
“Oh.”
There was an awkward silence. Neither girl knew what to say. After 3 minutes or so Faith spoke.
“Look B…Buffy, I wanna say something.”
“Don’t.” Was the blonde’s immediate response. “Don’t say sorry to me.”
“I have to.” Faith almost pleaded.
“Why? So you can feel better about yourself? If you say sorry Faith than that’s your work done right? And then it’s my problem that I can’t deal with the past. It’s my problem if I have nightmares about you, my fault I can’t deal because after all, you apologised.” Buffy felt the anger rising.
“I don’t wanna make you feel bad. Not anymore.” Faith’s face a look of pure sadness.
“How am I supposed to stop hurting? You were…you…I felt…dammit!” Buffy spun around to hide the tears from Faith.
“I’m sorry.” Faith said quickly, and then realised she’d apologised after all.
“Are you really? Are you sorry for everything that ever happened between me and you?” Buffy asked, her back still to Faith.
Faith was silent for a few seconds. “No.” She barely whispered. “I’m not sorry for everything.”
Buffy remained where she was but her body stopped moving, the convulsing that had come from the tears being shed stopped. She was motionless.
“I’m not sorry for meeting you. I’m not sorry for the bond we had, and I’m not sorry for how I felt about you.” She breathed in sharply. “I’m sorry I fucked it all up. I’m sorry I couldn’t be honest with you, that I couldn’t be honest with myself. I’m sorry I hurt you, that I caused you pain. And I’m sorry for the way you feel about me now. God knows I never wanted you to hate me like this, I only wanted you to…I wanted you…I’m sorry.” Faith finished.
Buffy never moved. Faith could just about see her breathing. Thinking that that was it, Faith turned to leave. Buffy turned around.
“Where are you going?” She asked, her voice so quiet and soft.
“I’m leaving Sunnydale don’t worry. I think I’ll go back to LA. See where that takes me. Are you…ok?” Faith winced at her own words, surprised when Buffy laughed.
“Ok? Faith I haven’t been ok since the day we met.”
“I’m-.”
“I know, you’re sorry. I got that.” Buffy inhaled heavily. “You’re not leaving town. Not tonight. The last bus has gone. You can…I mean you *are* coming home with me.” Buffy said, suddenly determined. Faith immediately shook her head.
“No, B. I can hitch.”
“Yeah coz that’s a great way of staying out of trouble.” Buffy replied sarcastically. Taking Faith by the arm she gently pulled her in the direction of her house.
“What about your Mum? And Dawn? They won’t want me there.” Faith argued desperately. Buffy stopped and looked at her quizzically before resuming her walk.
“Dawn’s at college. My Mum's been dead for four years.” She said flatly. Faith, momentarily stunned, jogged to catch up with the blonde.
“Shit, B. I’m sorry. How did she…was it…?”
“No. Brain tumour.” Buffy said in the same tone of voice. They walked in silence for a while.
“You remember Dawn?” Buffy asked her.
“Yeah. Angel told me about the whole Key deal though. She go to UC Sunnydale?”
“No. She wanted to apply there but I wouldn’t let her. It’s not safe. She goes to UCLA.”
“Good for her. The kid always was bright.” Faith remarked. Buffy looked at Faith as if to see if she was being sarcastic but her face was perfectly serious. Shrugging slightly, Buffy unlocked her door and stood aside, letting Faith in.
Looking around, Faith saw not a lot had changed. Exactly how she remembered it, even smelled the same.
“You live here by yourself?” She asked, trying to be casual.
“Uh huh. Dawn comes home at weekends sometimes. Other than that, it’s just me.”
“Things never worked out with beefstick then.” Faith observed out loud and then wished she’d kept her mouth shut.
“His name is Riley. And no, things never worked out.” The hostility was there in Buffy’s voice and it made Faith cringe.
“Was it…coz of me?”
“No. He left because he felt like I didn’t love him.” Buffy said bitterly. She flopped down onto the sofa and motioned for Faith to join her.
“You know I don’t have to stay here, I can probably get a motel room or something.” Faith looked at the door.
“No. I wanna talk. You said what you wanted now it’s my turn.” Buffy told her. Faith swallowed, getting the feeling she wouldn’t like this but knowing Buffy had to say it and she had to hear it.
“I want to hate you so much.” Buffy said, bluntly honest. The words hit Faith like a blow and she pressed her eyes shut before opening them a few seconds later.
“If I can hate you, then all the other feelings will stop, and it’ll be clear. I hate Faith. No confusing emotions or the need to talk to you, to see you, to sort things out with you. I can let it all go. But I can’t hate you.” Buffy sighed and pushed her hair away from her face.
“So what I ask myself more times a day than I should is, if I don’t hate you, then what is this feeling, this burning. Why am I so angry? Sure I’m angry at you, we had the potential to be something so great, so utterly unstoppable. The Chosen Two. Slayers side by side. You could have made some of the things in my life go a lot smoother. You threw away everything between us, the slayer thing, the friend thing.” Buffy paused before adding softly. “Everything.”
“But I wanted that! I wanted us to be the great slayers, I wanted us to be friends and everything…it was too late though. Everything I told you in the beginning was a lie. Those great stories about Big Bad Slayer Faith? Those were lies. The only thing that was true was about my watcher and I told you because I had to. Kakistos and all.” Faith looked away.
“I knew those stories were lies Faith. I mean come on, wrestling with alligators naked?” Buffy mimicked Faith’s accent. “I could just sit in a room with you and be at peace. Didn’t you feel that? It was like you were my equal. Everything I felt I thought you did too.”
“My head was all screwed up. I had a chance at something great and I knew I’d blow it. I figured if I could just keep up the act a little longer, if I could just be better than I was…” Faith craddled her head in her hands.
“Didn’t you ever think that you were chosen to be the Slayer for a reason Faith? They didn’t choose you because of a part you played. They knew who you were, what you were, everything about you and they knew you were good enough.” Buffy reached over and pulled Faith’s hands away from her face.
“You…you really think that?” She asked.
“Yeah, I do. And they obviously did or you wouldn’t be who you are.” Buffy gave her a small smile and Faith felt a little of the weight on her shoulders, a little of the guilt in her mind, drift away.
“When I was in LA…when I begged Angel to kill me…I wanted there to be a new Slayer, I kept thinking about how much better she’d be, how she’d help you and not screw up like I did.” Faith revealed. Buffy was silent for a long time afterward.
“The night you gave your confession, when you handed yourself in…I cried myself to sleep.” Buffy opened up. “I kept thinking that I should be there with you. We both had something to do with Allan’s death.”
“You cared. I didn’t.” Faith shrugged, not wanting Buffy to feel any wrong doing.
“You did care. I know you did. That’s why I tried so damn hard to reach you.” Buffy corrected her.
Silence came yet again and this time neither of them wanted to break it. They were, for once, at ease with one another, the confessions of both easing the tension that had plagued them for so long.
“Where do we go from here?” Faith asked quietly.
“I have no idea.” Buffy sighed and she stood up, stretching. “I’m suddenly very tired though.”
Faith watched Buffy’s body uncoil and she averted her eyes quickly. Standing up she shuffled over to the door.
“Faith, I already told you. You’re staying here.” Buffy said, tiredly. “You can sleep in Dawn’s room.” Buffy motioned for Faith to go upstairs which she did, followed by Buffy.
“You sure Dawn won’t mind?” Faith looked around the room.
“Nah. She still loves you like another sister.” Buffy almost grinned. Faith did.
“Yeah? Next time you speak, tell her I said Hi.” Faith sat down on the bed and kicked her boots off.
Buffy was fiddling with her hands nervously and Faith looked up at her. Suddenly, Buffy leant down and pressed her lips to Faith’s before quickly pulling herself away and backing out of the door.
“I hope you’re still here in the morning.” Was all Faith heard before Buffy’s bedroom door shut.
Sitting in a stunned stupor, Faith touched her lips. There was no way she’d drift off to sleep now. She sat exactly as she was for the next 30 minutes and thought of everything that she still wanted to say. Needed to get out in the open so they could both move past this. One thing surfaced in her head more than anything else. She had to tell Buffy that she loved her.
Faith knew it was probably an incredibly selfish thing to do. Almost as selfish as saying sorry. What was Buffy supposed to do once Faith revealed a secret of her soul and felt all the better for it? Buffy was the one who’d have to deal with it. Faith knew that as she knocked lightly on the blonde’s bedroom door.
“Yeah?” Buffy didn’t even sound tired anymore.
“Can I come in? I…there’s something I didn’t tell you.” Faith spoke through the door.
“Ok.”
Buffy was sitting up in bed. A book was on her bedside table but it wasn’t open and Faith bet that Buffy had just been sitting there thinking, just like she had.
“What is it?” Buffy sounded oddly detached, somewhat fearful even.
“I…I’m glad that we talked. You don’t know how glad. I can’t believe that you even looked at me after everything…and to actually sit with me and tell me how you felt, and let yourself understand how I felt, that’s more than I ever deserve.” Faith held eye contact with the floor at the foot of Buffy’s bed.
“We both needed to talk. I learnt a long time ago that the way I used to act, you know the whole holier than thou Buffy act? It didn’t help anyone. Shouting and screaming would have made me the same girl I was back then. I don’t wanna be her again.” Buffy’s voice cracked a few times but she held out and managed to say her piece.
“I loved you. But you knew that.” Faith whispered, looking up at Buffy who nodded.
“Just like you knew I loved you, or that I could of.” It was Faith’s turn to nod and she felt her eyes beginning to blur.
“I…I never stopped. Not once. I love you so much that I think maybe it rules me. If I’m a better person now, it’s because of that love.” Faith was openly crying now.
“Don’t say that.” Buffy shook her head angrily.
“I don’t want anything from you B, I don’t want you to think you have to say something or do anything to make it better or right because you don’t have to. I just wanted you to know. Loving you makes me better than I am.”
“Damn you Faith.” Buffy almost snarled at her. She ripped the sheets off of herself and jumped out from the bed so she could pace around the room dressed only in her long T-Shirt.
“I’m sorry.” Faith sobbed.
“Stop it! Just stop it!” Buffy yelled at her. “Don’t you understand? You say that…that you love me and my whole body feels lighter. I can breathe so much easier. And then it stops.” She swiped at her teary eyes furiously.
“It stops because I know that tomorrow you’ll leave. And you’ll say something that you think is incredibly profound and explanatory such as you love me too much to stay and hurt me. You love me so you have to go. Well fuck that!” Buffy screamed.
The sobs had stopped and Faith simply stood in shock listening to Buffy rant.
“If it was REAL love, you’d never even think of leaving. Everybody let’s love take the blame, like it’s at fault. If it’s real love you wouldn’t damn it for making you feel or act the way you do, you wouldn’t cry when it hurts you, and you wouldn’t let it take the fall when you wanna leave. So I suggest you think of another excuse Faith. Unless you really wanna hurt me.”
And all the raw angry energy that had kept Buffy going disappeared. She fell onto the bed and cried, little cries escaping as she covered her face with her hands. Sounds of despair that crushed Faith. Slowly, she sat down on the bed next to the older slayer and gently stroked her hair, letting Buffy curl up against her as the sobs racked her body.
“I love you, Faith. I love you so much that I never left you.” Buffy managed to say.
Faith knew exactly what she meant. That part of Buffy that was always with her, the part that she’d originally come to give back to the girl, only now she realised she didn’t want it back. It was an eternal gift of her love that would never leave Faith.
“Buffy…” Faith gently tried to pull the girl up. “Buffy, look at me. Please.” She pleaded. Slowly but surely, Buffy sat up and faced Faith.
“I won’t go. I promise. I’ll never leave you again, ok? Forever, if that’s long enough, I’ll stay with you forever.” Faith promised and clutched the other girl to her, holding on just as tightly and strongly as she was being held.
FAITH’S POV
Fate. I’m not sure I believe in it. If it is real then I’d just like to say that it took a fucking long time coming around. Coz the only fate I believe in is that me and her, we’re meant to be together.
She’s the only thing that would have made me leave, and she’s the only thing that got me to stay. I take it back, Buffy is not a paradox, it’s completely all me. I can deal with that though.
I held her and she cried. Then I cried and she held me. Then we both cussed each other out over crying so much. Hey, it lightened the mood. Then she kissed me. I won’t even bother describing it coz it was…um indescribable. And then we…well, there was touching.
I feel whole. After a long journey, I’m home. And I’m never going travelling again.
BUFFY’S POV
Faith said something last night that really stuck in my head.
“Me and you B, we can never escape each other, even if we wanted to.”
I had to laugh. A few years ago, coming from Faith that would have been classed as a threat. Now it was welcomed, it stops me from breaking down.
I feel like I’ve been waiting for something for so long and I’ve finally got it. And it’s more than I ever thought it would be. And I know it’s for real. That it’s forever. Forever is a hell of a long time, and that’s just how I like it.