Still
by mdc
Rating: PG
I feel her. I feel her still.
Angel. Scott. Angel again. Riley. Spike.
The ones I’ve lied to since coming to Sunnydale.
Of course, I didn’t know I was lying to them at the time since I was lying to myself too. But it still saddens me.
All that time… All that energy…
Wasted.
It sounds terrible. And don’t worry, I feel terrible. But… That’s what it is. Wasted time, wasted energy. I never, once, with any of them, felt complete.
I might’ve had some affection, love even, for one or two of them.
But since I had a small taste of what I could have, I was never satisfied. After receiving the tiniest glimpse, a whispered promise, of what I was able to feel… I could never be satisfied.
It consumed me. Something inside me lay dormant, until she woke it up and slowly yet surely, I could feel it consuming me. Warming my veins, lifting my soul and invading my mind.
The all-consuming love I felt for her was frightening beyond words. Things I would have mulled over for hours in the past, suddenly seemed unimportant. Trivial. My priorities had been abruptly shaken. My thoughts and feelings seeming alien to me, yet strangely fitting.
Angel’s untimely reappearance threw me in a world of doubt and fear. Although I knew my love for her was one of the purest and truest of emotions I had ever encountered, the memory of who I was before she came clouded my heart and marred my actions.
She consumed me and her obliviousness of what I was feeling fuelled my fear. Fear which, somehow in a wicked twist of fate, turned into anger. We shouted, we hurt, we fought, we bled and I know I cried. Yet I never told her what I truly felt for her.
But even in the midst of everything,
I felt her still.
I had my dramatic love epic with Angel. Normal high-school crush with Scott. Comforting stability with Riley. And wild desperate passion with Spike.
Angel… the drama was all we really had. Scott was too normal. Riley too dull. And what I had with Spike wasn’t real.
It was a distraction. Come to think of it, I think Riley kinda was too.
Scott I used for the sole purpose of testing her. But Angel came back. And it wasn’t him but simply the past that I had trouble letting go of.
Once she entered my life, nothing could ever be the same again. All the love I felt was for her. All the passion, happiness, sadness, anger… their impact and intensity was suddenly in her power.
Only she was unaware. She made me the happiest I had ever been in my life and she never knew. What she did know was that she hurt and betrayed me more than anyone ever had.
I told her so.
And how many times haven’t I wished I could tell her all the other things she made me feel?
She’s gone now, voluntarily in her own personal hell. She has given up control. She could break out any time she pleases, but she doesn’t. She craves freedom, she always has. But she gave that up.
Night after night after night, she sits in her confined little cell while her blood boils. Screaming for the kill. Burning to do what she was destined for.
Yet she silences her blood. I don’t know how you can silence the blood rushing through your veins, giving you life, without going crazy. But she does.
And it’s been years since we were on good terms. Years since we were comfortable in each others presence.
But I feel her still.
-All the space I had, you’ve taken. Offers no control. Only escape; to stop breathing Only release; to bleed Free falling If I was somebody else, would I forget where I am now? I don’t expect you to remember You must know the place you took. Don’t recall the conversation How did you know my direction? Wish that you could hear me now Oh it’s a shame cuz I feel I feel I feel you still I tried to cut the corners I tried but what’s the use? Only excuse; bad timing Only release; to bleed Free falling Everyone’s searching for something Don’t say I’m crying for nothing Can you see from where you are? It’s just another point of view Suffocate the disappointment Shout over the explanations Wish that you could hear me now Oh it’s a shame cuz I feel I feel I feel you still Everyone’s searching for something Don’t say I’m crying for nothing I feel you still I feel you Still Still If I was somebody else, would I forget where I am now? I feel you still I don’t expect you to remember But I feel you Still-