I Confess
by Nikita
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss.
The content of her soul would be apparent to anyone who looked into those dark brown eyes, if only they took the time. She tries to hide the feelings there, her defences constantly up, but after months of avoiding the obvious, I see what is inside. She flicks her raven hair from her face and sits back with her trademark aggressiveness. The gestures and comments she uses are so part of her that I do not believe she knows any other way to act. We are taught how to be. The hate she expresses every day was not always there, it was learned, of that I am sure. If she had had my life, perhaps it would be me sitting there, flicking my blonde hair and saying "five by five".
But it's not. It's her. My polar opposite, the darkness that balances my light, the embodiment of the freedom I chose not to embrace. It is she that is sitting in the cold wooden chair making a confession, trying to hide her fear. She talks the way she always talks, all slang and attitude, but I can see even from the other side of the one way glass where I stand with Angel, that she is reaching out of the darkness. And even though I try to stay objective, somewhere at the back of my mind I know why she is doing it.
Angel wants me to leave. I can tell he's afraid of what my presence might do to her, he thinks it'll push her back into the dark. I don't tell him what my reasons are for staying. Maybe he thinks I want to be sure she'll be locked away, certain that she can do no more damage. I just keep watching her, mesmerised like I have always been.
She talks about her recent crimes, the details are clinical, seemingly devoid of feeling to the police woman questioning her. But now I've admitted to myself that I know how to read her, the pain is glaringly apparent to me. As she goes on, her regrets start to surface and she seems unable to stop. I push back the anger I feel that she is telling her life story to a woman she doesn't know after all the attempts I made to open her up. As she talks, her eyes drift to the glass and I have an eerie feeling that she is speaking to me.
I tell myself that she is evil, just like I have told myself everyday since she betrayed me. I have good reasons to hate her, and they have kept me alive through our confrontations. Hate gives you an edge, as she once told me. If I had let that hate slide on Graduation day, I would have been the one in the coma. But I put her there instead. Because I'm the better slayer, I tell myself. No other reason.
Angel told me what happened during her visit to LA, including their climactic fight. I wouldn't have believed she would give herself up if I hadn't seen her here now. But she is here, and I am forced to reassess my opinion of her. Again.
She is talking about me now. I am shocked to hear her say my name instead of the usual "B". I am even more shocked to hear her talk about slaying, until I remember Kate is a friend of Angel's and knows about the things that come out at night. She is looking straight at me and I find it disconcerting because I know she cannot see through the glass. Angel's hand is on my shoulder and he is urging me to leave but I can't. I want to hear her. I want to know why she hurt me like she did.
I have never been bored with her, she enjoys surprising people. and I know this is no exception. She knows I am here, and she wants to tell me this. Perhaps she has always wanted to, but only now that the glass between us replaces the emotional distance she always tried to keep, the truth can finally come out.
She talks about the betrayal she felt when she realised she wasn't included in our meetings, the betrayal she felt when Angel came back. She looks right at me as she says how much she wanted to be part of my life, how she would rather be my enemy than nothing at all. My heart breaks as she says she loves me.
I close my eyes. I can't stand to look at her when I realise how many regrets I have. I know that I could have saved her a long time ago, but I paid no attention to the obvious signs: homecoming, Angel, her kisses that I saw as a challenge. Tears start to roll down my face, and as though she can see them, she walks to the glass and puts her hand to it. I cover her hand with my own and I know that I've forgiven her. I am vaguely aware of Angel trying to pull me away from the glass, but I will not move. She smiles the gentlest smile I have ever seen her give, and I start to cry out loud as Kate starts to take her out of the room because I realise she is saying good bye and I have so much I want to say. She turns to me one last time and gives me the same look Angel gave me after the Graduation day fight. I close my eyes as Faith leaves the room and sob because I know something now that I don't think my heart can hold. I know I love her, and I know that look was the last one she'll ever give me.