The Hidden Hope of Faith the Vampire Slayer
by Nikita
Rating: R
Disclaimer: The characters and the italic dialogue are all Joss's
property.
Author's Notes: Some of the quotes (< >) are slightly paraphrased I think!
Feedback: Please do!
I know I should expect it, but I guess I wasn't as ready to face her as I thought. The look on B's face as I step out of the bushes says it all. She'd rather have met a shit load of vamps on a bad day than see me right now.
Damn. I had all this worked out. Now I don't know what to say. B looks pretty stumped for words too. She raises her fists and I say "B, it doesn't have to be this way."
She laughs, I guess remembering the last reunion we had. "No 'F'", she says. "I think it has to be `exactly' this way."
God, is it always going to be like this?
<"Faith. How are you?"
"You tried to gut me Blondie! What'd you think? I'd wake up and we'd go for tea?"
"Faith, it doesn't have to be this way."
"No, B. I think it has to be `exactly' this way.">
I start to raise my fists too, the survival instinct talking me over, but I stop myself and my shoulders slump. I'm too tired for this. B looks wary and I guess I can't blame her. "I'm not here to fight B." I say, pleading with my eyes for her to give me a chance.
She takes a step back and says the word I hoped I'd never hear. "Leave."
"Not gonna happen B." I snap back. Damn, I curse myself as soon as the words slip out. Gotta control that temper.
She looks ready to kick my ass.
I am so ready to kick her ass.
If there's one person I can't handle seeing right now, it's Faith. She really picks her moments to turn up. A year since we last saw each other and there's still so much anger in me I can hardly speak. "Leave." is all I can say. Leave me alone. I can't deal with you. I never could.
She doesn't look like she wants to fight though, and as angry as I am, I can't make the first violent move. I know what Xander, or even Willow would say.
She's had enough chances.
But I can't stop hoping. There's always been a bond between us that nothing seems to break. Even when I put her in a coma, she still betrayed the mayor for me.
<"You know the thing? Human weakness. It never goes away. Even his.">
So what can I do?
I sit down, hoping the gesture will relax her.
"Please B. Can't we talk? I want to apologise." I say, hoping she'll take it better than the last time I tried.
<"Don't you dare. Don't you dare say you're sorry.">
She laughs. "Don't you think it's a little late for that?"
I look up at her. "If it's really too late. I'll go. Tell me again and I promise it's the last you'll see of me."
One last chance. Please God, one last chance.
Damn, damn, damn! Why did she have to say that? I sigh and give in. That's me. Buffy, Patron Saint of last chances.
"Fine. Talk fast, cause this is it, Faith. One more screw up and-"
I stop when I see the relief in her eyes. Those eyes....
"Well?"
"I want to make things right." That sounds so lame. How can I do this? There's so much pain. Maybe I should have just left, gotten the hell away from Buffy Summers.
But I'm always drawn here. Home is where the heart is, and all that crap.
"I mean it B." I say as she looks at me skeptically. "Tell me what to do to make it right."
She sighs. "I don't know Faith. I really don't."
Help me. Please, like you tried to so many times. I'll let you now. Please.
<"I know this might sound funny coming from someone who spent a lot of time kicking your face, but you can trust me. I'm on your side."
"Really? Well I'm on my side, and that's enough.................................Buffy?"
"Yeah?"
"......Nothing.">
"I fucked up. I know that." I'm losing it fast. "I don't know what to say." I can't help it, tears start to fall at the thought of leaving her again.
And despite everything, the next thing I feel is her arms around me.
She starts to cry and instinctively I run to her, jumping on that chance to get her to open up. She seems so vulnerable now and I can't help but feel a wave of happiness rush over me as I feel her arms tight around my waist.
"This isn't going to be easy Faith." I say. "You really hurt a lot of people. A lot of people I love."
She nods. "But you'll give me a chance?"
Those Goddamn eyes again. "What do you think?" I say. "C'mon." I pull her up and she brushes away her tears, looking embarrassed.
"Thank you." She says simply, and I know she means it.
B walks me back to my motel. We stand outside the door and I' m not sure how to say good bye.
"Thanks again B." I say.
She nods. "I'll pick you up tomorrow at seven-thirty."
<"Miles to go, little Miss Muffet counting down from seven-three-oh.">
"Scooby meeting?" I ask nervously. I knew it'd be coming, I just hadn't expected it to come so soon.
"OK?"
"Five by five." I smile.
She smirks and rolls her eyes.
"What?" I grin, not getting the joke.
She sighs. "Things are not OK between us."
I nod.
"But I missed you."
Then she turns and leaves and I'm left grinning goofily on the doorstep.
I walk back to my dorm slowly. I have a lot to think about.
Faith.
She was the last person I was expecting to see. Shock value has always been her thing I suppose. Part of me is happy to see her, before all the bad stuff we had some great times together. She showed me a part of myself that I didn't know even existed. She set me free. The problem is, when you're a slayer, your responsibilities are more important than most people's. So many people's lives are in our hands, proven when she killed that man.
An accident that tipped her over the edge. It so easily could have been me. I don't know how I would have dealt with it. With Faith, it seemed so simple.
<"Faith, you don't get it. You killed a man."
"No B, you don't get it. I don't care.">
Push the guilt away, don't deal, run. Dump the body. No evidence, no problem. It was like it didn't even happen.
But it did.
And that was the start of the problems.
I wash.
And think of B.
I get undressed.
And think of B.
I get into bed.
And think of B.
I watch Cruel Intentions.
And think of sex.
And then think of B.
This is going to be a long night.
Willow is in when I get back to the dorm. She nearly has a fit when I tell her about Faith. I try to tell her that I can't abandon her. That it could have been me that had gone over the edge, but I had my friends, my family.
"No Buffy!" She says. "I've told you before what I think of that."
She has, didn't understand it then, doesn't understand it now.
<"Some people just don't have that in them.">
Maybe she's right. I internalise, I change my name, run away and go to hell before I ask for help. Faith beats stuff up.
"She wants to change." I try to defend her, but Willow just isn't hearing it.
"And what happens if she goes psycho again?"
"I won't let that happen."
"Like with Angel?" She snaps.
<"Yeah, you'll stop him. Just like you did last time with Miss Calendar.">
"This is different." I say. "Will, I'm not letting her go again. She wants to change and I'm going to help her."
"I can't believe you're going to do this again. Don't you ever learn?" She asks.
"I don't expect you to understand." No one understands her like I do.
"No, when it comes to Faith, you never expect me to understand."
<"It's like all of a sudden I'm not cool enough to hang out with you because I can't kill stuff with my bare hands.">
All of a sudden I get it.
"Will, you're my best friend." I say. "It's just different with her."
She sighs and sits down next to me. "Buffy, I don't give up on people easily, you know that. But Faith? Don't you remember what she put us through?"
I nod. "Of course I do. But she asked me for help. And I want to help her. I have another chance to get through to her, and this time she's listening."
I can tell by the look on Will's face that she understands, however reluctantly.
I spend most of the next day pacing. I could really do with getting in a good slay right now, but unless I find a nest, there's not much hope of that. Usually I would jump right in, but I'm trying out the responsibility thang and trying not to make too many waves. So I stay and wait for B to show.
Part of me can't believe that I'm actually here. That B has really given me this chance. Thoughts run through my head, she could have called the Watcher's Council. She could be getting the Scoobies ready to kick my ass.
<"You can't trust people.">
I push the thoughts out of my mind. If she wanted to hurt me, she could have done it last night. I fucked up so many times, and she never gave up on me. Every time I thought it was the end, she'd be back, like something drew us together that neither of us understood. She was ready to make amends the last time we met, but I made that impossible by fucking farm-boy senseless. That was the worst thing I could have done. That's the real way to get to B, through the people she loves.
<"You can raise demons, you can send assassins after me, but nobody messes with my boyfriend.">
I've always gone for her through her men. sleeping with farm-boy, trying to turn dead-boy evil, kissing him in front of her. Those were the first things, just an attempt to make her jealous.
I bet she didn't get that I wanted her to be jealous of them, not of me.
I walk slowly to Faith's place.
I missed her, I can't deny that. We share something that no one else could possibly understand. Maybe that's why we always end up in the same place. I get what Willow's saying, she has every right to hate Faith. But I just can't. It must have been hard for her to come back here, and I feel I owe it to her to give her a chance.
Maybe it's my guilt.
<"Let him have his games and secret meetings."
"What meetings?"
"Oh, I don't know, something with Buffy and her friends."
"Right. I guess that doesn't include me.">
I shut her out at first. Didn't tell her Angel was back, didn't let her in on the Scooby meetings, never took the time to find out what was behind all those `five by fives'. By the time I tried to get through to her, it was too late.
But now I have another chance too.
Maybe I can get her to deal. She's started already, gave herself up to the LA police. Tried to make things right. What did I do? Told her not to apologise to me, told her not to even try to make it up to me. She hurt me so badly, like only someone you love can.
<"You made me into a victim.">
Angel gave her another chance. I couldn't do it then, maybe I can now. I was surprised that Angel was the one who almost got through to her. If it hadn't been for Wesley and the damn Watcher's Council, he would have. I guess they're more alike than I realised. They both hide their feelings, they both have guilt that the rest of us can't understand. In the end, it was Angel that Faith went to when she wanted to end it all.
<"Please, just do it....I'm bad, I'm evil....just kill me....please.">
But even then, he didn't give up.
I let B in. She smiles reassuringly at me, seeing my nerves. Maybe I can do this. Things always seem better with B around.
We walk to Giles' apartment, and before we go in, she hugs me.
She hugs me!
Confidence washes over me and I know it's gonna be OK. It's gonna be hard all right, but with B beside me, I can do it.
The gang stop talking as we go into the room.
"Hi." I say. They nod and Giles tells us to sit down. Riley is expecting me to sit next to him, but I automatically sit next to Faith. I think she needs me most right now. He looks a little hurt.
"Well," Giles is saying. "How are you?"
Faith nods. "Five by f- fine, thanks." She stops herself.
"Buffy called me," he went on. "Assures me that you have come back to try to make things right."
Faith nods again.
Willow pipes up. "And you think it's that easy?"
"No. But I want to do it anyway." Faith says, and I can feel her tensing next to me, trying to hold back her temper. I decide to try to defuse the situation.
"This wasn't easy for her. I think we should hear her out."
I'm on her side. They all know where I stand now.
"Let's hear it then." Giles sits down.
I look at them all. Red, Xander, farm-boy, Giles, Tara and Anya.
Where am I supposed to start?
"You have no reason to trust me." I say, looking at them all one by one. "But I'm sorry."
Farm-boy grunts at me but I catch his stare and pretty soon he's looking at the floor. Damn, I'm good. I go on. "I want to try to make it up to you all. I did a lot of bad stuff and I wish I hadn't, but there's nothing I can do about it now. Except say I'm really sorry."
No one says anything.
Red nods finally. "I don't trust you, and I don't know if I ever will. But I trust Buffy, and she says you want to change. So I won't stand in the way of that."
I smile and look at Xander who sighs.
"I'm with Will."
Now, that surprises me. Man, I fucked the guy and then tried to kill him. "Thank you." I say quietly. Farm-boy is still looking at the ground and Buffy asks him what he thinks. That's a laugh. The guy's a soldier for God's sake. He looks up at her with those puppy dog eyes and then walks out of the room.
Giles looks questioningly at B, but she just says "Let him cool off."
Giles nods. "OK, this is what we're going to do. Buffy, you take Faith along on patrols. Faith, you are NOT to go alone. I want reports every morning. We'll see how it goes."
Xander is getting some drinks and I go into the kitchen to thank him.
He looks at me for a second. "I have to tell you something Buffy," he says. "It's about Faith. And Angel."
"What?" I ask.
"I think I may have had something to do with her trying to kill him the first time." He looks sheepish.
"Uh huh?!" I say.
<"Angel's still alive."
"The vampire."
"Back in town, saw him myself, toting the famous glove."
"Angel. Guy like that with that kind of glove. Could kill a whole mess of people."
"Said the same thing to Buffy myself. Funny, she didn't seem to care."
"B knew he was alive. I can't believe her."
"She says he's clean."
"Well I say we can't afford to find out. I say we deal with this problem now. I say slay."
"Can I come?">
I am ready to hit him after he tells me.
"I'm sorry." He says.
"Xander!" I shout. "I can't believe you let her do that! You knew she wouldn't get it, she didn't see the good in him. Even Kendra would have gone out there stakes out!"
<"They could kill Angel."
"He's a vampire. He should be killed. Why am I the only one who sees that?">
"I'm sorry." He says again. "I didn't trust him."
I sigh. "I know, and I know you had good reason, but how could you do that? Do you know how many problems that caused between us?"
I turn and see Faith looking at us.
"It was my choice." She says.
Sure, Xander had something to do with it, and I was trying to protect my new "watcher". I didn't know the whole story, but it was still my choice. I would rather have killed him than seen him hurt her.
Not that B would have understood that, and of course, I ended up hurting her the most.
"It's done now." She sighs. "It's in the past." She walks into the other room again and I'm left with a nervous looking Xander.
We stand for a moment without saying anything. Then he nods at me and follows B out. It's OK. For now.
I think it's time for me to leave. Enough confrontation for one night.
Faith announces she's going home. Probably a wise decision. The rest of the gang decide to pack up too, and I go to find Riley.
He's sitting outside my dorm, looking dejected. He really has that puppy dog thing going on. "What's wrong?" I ask when we go inside.
"How can you let her back into your life Buffy?" He asks. "After all she did?" He looks as if he is about to cry and I feel like hitting him.
"Why didn't you say anything?" I ask.
He shakes his head. "I couldn't say anything in front of your friends. I love you so much."
I nod. He looks at me like he's expecting me to say the same thing, but I just can't.
"Buffy?"
I realise I can't do this anymore. "I'm sorry." I say. "I don't, not anymore."
<"If you ever break my heart, do it fast.">
I decide to spare him the "let's be friends" speech. "I'm sorry." I say, and walk out the door.
A few hours later, I'm pacing again. I-need-a-slay. I'm about to go nuts (again) when I hear a knock at the door.
It's B. "Fancy some exercise?"
"Sure." I grin.
We're getting stuck into the few vamps we've seen tonight and it feels good, letting all the tension out. And the two of us together are pretty invincible.
<"Synchronised slaying."
"New Olympic category.">
We work well together, we know each other's moves, the way we fight. I'm quick and clean, Faith beats them to a pulp and then casually puts them out of their misery. She's breathing heavily.
<"Ain't it funny how slaying always makes you hungry and horny?">
I grin. I like knowing what's on her mind. We dust the last vamps and she lets out a yell of triumph. I laugh. I missed this too.
<"Don't tell me if you don't get in a good slay after a while, you just start itching for some vamp to show up so you can give him a good uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh......">
She's so happy that it infects me too and I let go and jump on her. We toy fight, flipping and pinning each other until eventually, we part, breathless.
"God I needed that!" She grins. "What now? Friday night B. Got plans? Bronze? Farm-boy?"
I just groan.
She looks at quizzically. "Want to hang out?"
Hang out? Repeat: `things are not OK between us' I say to myself. But that was so good, and I don't feel ready to say goodbye to her tonight.
"Sure." I nod. "Your place?"
We get back to my pad and I crack open the vodka. Not that alcohol has much effect on us slayers. High metabolism and all that. It's more of an ice-breaker really.
I flip on the radio and sit on the bed with B.
"So, the gang seem OK." I venture.
She nods. "Better than expected, actually."
"And you?"
She smiles. "One step at a time."
I smile back. Better than I could have hoped for. "B?" I say.
"Yeah?"
"How goes it with farm-boy?"
<"What about Angel?"
"Life with Angel is- was complicated. It's still kind of hard for me to talk about."
"Well, try."
"Look Faith, all of the Angel issues are still with me, so if you don't mind, I'd rather not."
"Sure. Whatever....">
I wonder how much things have changed.
I always get angry when I think how she never let me in, but I guess I'm guilty of the same thing. If I want her to open up....
"Not good." I say.
She looks surprised. "It wasn't because I- you know?"
I shake my head. "No. It's just, I think it's run its course. You know? He's a little-"
She nods. "Dull?" She's trying not to laugh.
"Yes." I say, that smile is so infectious.
It's true. When Riley and I first got together, he was exactly what I needed, the opposite end of the scale from Angel and Fai- everything. Now, I need something different.
"What about you?"
<"Ronnie, deadbeat. Steve, klepto. Kenny, drummer. Eventually I had to face up to my destiny as a loser magnet. Now it's strictly `get some, get gone'">
I wonder if she's still going for badboys.
"You know me, B. Guys are only good for one thing."
<"All men are beasts, from manimal to Mr. `I loved the English patient', they're only in it for the chase.">
B nods. "Maybe Will has the right idea."
I grin. The thought of Red with a chick still cracks me up.
<"So Red's not driving stick anymore, huh?">
I always figured I get there first. And I would have, but the chick I'm into....well....
Faith's still grinning. She looks great, that smile, those eyes. She's something special all right.
The question comes out before I even realise what I'm saying. "Have you ever thought about it? Girls, I mean?"
This is a first. I don't think I've ever seen Faith at a loss for words before. She turns to face me. "Have you?" She asks.
And that's the big question.
She doesn't think I ever got her comments, the meaning behind them. Kissing me, calling me "lover", asking me to homecoming. I even played off it.
<"Are you dating someone?"
"I wouldn't say `dating', but I am going out with someone. Tonight, in fact."
Faith walks in and puts her arm around Buffy. "Hey, what's up? Time to motorvate."
"Really, we're just good friends....">
A joke. But isn't there always some truth in these things? I've always gone with guys, but with Faith....
Faith.
She's looking straight at me with those deep brown eyes and I nod.
"I thought about you." I whisper, praying she won't freak or laugh or run.
She doesn't.
She just says "Me too."
And then she kisses me.
This is what I've been waiting for since I met her. Her lips on mine. Her hands are in my hair and her tongue is in my mouth, and damn, it is so good.
After a while, I pull away. We're leaning against each other, and looking into each other's eyes. I don't want to speak, I don't want to spoil this perfect moment.
It's the first one in my life.
"Faith?" I say quietly. How do I tell her this?
"Yeah?" She whispers back.
I should have said something first. "I wasn't totally honest." She pulls back. "Riley." She's just staring at me. "I broke up with him tonight."
She rolls her eyes. "Great B." She laughs. "So what was that? Rebound?"
"No! Please don't think that. I'm sorry, I should have said something."
"Yeah." She nods. "You should have. I thought you were into the whole honesty thang."
You want honesty? Fine. "I broke up with him because-" She's going to run a mile. Deep breath. "I love you."
She's just staring at me, like she's searching my eyes for any reason not to believe me.
"I love you so much." I say again, reaching out and stroking her hair.
God, I've just realised how true that is.
Really, it's all I've ever wanted to hear her say to me, and now she has, I can't believe she means it. How can she? This is the first time anyone's said it to me. The only other time was when I was in her body.
<"I love you."
"You can't. What do you want from me?">
"Don't say it unless you really mean it." I finally blurt out.
"I mean it." She says. "I wanted to tell you." She sighs. "It doesn't mean you have to say it to me." She's looking at the floor now. "I just wanted you to know."
And then I pull her towards me and say the truest thing I have ever said.
"I love you B."
She pulls me to her and we're kissing again. Gently she takes my clothes off, kissing me all the while. Soon we're both naked and making love, slowly, passionately, and I'm crying as I climax, and she's moaning into my mouth as I bring her with me.
She kisses my tears away and we lie together, holding each other so tightly, neither of us willing to let go.
Perfect moments are rare, but lying here with Faith right now is one of them. She smiles and kisses me.
And I have never been so happy.
This is what I've been waiting for ever since I met her. There's been so much pain that I almost forgot we could stop hurting each other. But we have. Everything that has happened to us has led us here, and it's all been worth it.
Because I love her, and nothing else matters.
<"Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.">