The Return
by Nikita
Rating: R
Disclaimer: The characters belong to the great and
powerful Joss.
Author's Notes: Set years after The Gift. Faith’s pov.
Feedback: You give me feedback, I give you cookies.
I’ve been here so many times that it should feel like home.
But it doesn’t. Naked and alone in your room, I stand and gaze out of your window, searching and waiting like I always am for your return. Waiting for you to tell me I belong, waiting for you to forgive me. But you never do.
Every creak, every bump that echoes in the darkness thuds in my brain and amplifies the silence that follows it. The silence of your absence, louder than anything I have ever heard. I was never scared of the dark, never frightened by monsters or demons. The only thing I fear is you.
I fear your return, I fear your departure. I fear that this time will be the last. Nothing has scared me as much as letting you into my life, and for as long as I could, I kept you away.
But you came back, different, strong, and you found me. You crept inside me like a fever, until nothing I saw made sense, nothing I did meant anything. There was only you. And now that is all I understand, sweating, gasping, pleading for you to take me to oblivion with you where no one else will find us.
But you always leave me there alone. And I deserve it. I didn’t save you, couldn’t save you, and I should have. I should have helped you like you tried to help me. I am lucky to have this... whatever it is.
I feel your eyes on my every movement though you are far away, slaying like I once did, living like I should have. But I don’t, I won’t, I want nothing more than to be consumed by you, to live in your skin and to bind you to me forever. I take you with me everywhere, my actions a mirror of yours, my speech an echo of your thoughts. But you are still you, long after I have forgotten who I am.
I don’t want to remember my strength. I don’t want to think about what could have been. I am yours and nothing else, nothing.
Nothing.
My heart thuds in my chest as I hear you approach, and slowly I turn to see you opening the door. This will be it, the last time... I know. You will tell me to leave and I will be lost, my chance over, wasted...
But no. You are already unzipping your pants as you walk towards me like you always do, your eyes blank, your face flushed. I knew it wasn’t just me.
You stride towards me and grab my arm, pulling clothing off your body as you sit on the edge of your bed and push me to my knees.
Like every time before.
Like every time before, I look up at you and plead for one word, for one soft touch.
“Forgive me...” I murmur as I feel your hand on the back of my head, roughly pushing me towards you. “Please...”
But you grind your hips against my tongue as I break, just like always, unable to resist the closeness of your flesh, unable to stop hoping.
That one day you will love me.
I am lost in you, my eyes closed, my senses filled with the heat of your skin, and as you cry out, I know I will never leave. I have nothing else. I want nothing else.
You pull me up, and for an instant, your lips are so close I imagine I can taste them, just like I have dreamed of every day for years. I almost think you will kiss me.
But you don’t. I am on my back and your fingers are inside me, pushing me towards the edge hard and fast with your firm touch. A touch I once thought would pull me back from blackness, but it never came in time.
You fuck me like you always do, your hand the only contact you make with me. The only connection you will give me.
Now.
But not forever.
One day it will change.
I climax against you, calling your name, begging you to save me, help me, make me a part of you.
But you shake your head and move away, lying on the far side of the bed where I can hear you, see you, but never touch you.
Not yet. I know... I don’t deserve you yet. But one day...
One day you will take me into your arms, your heart.
And you will forgive me.