The Really Scary Thing
by Nikita
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: The characters all of course belong to the wonderful Joss.
Author's Notes: A Buffy point of view.
Feedback: As always, much appreciated.
I'm taking a break from training, sitting on a bench in the gym as Faith kills a punch bag. I watch her, wilder and more passionate than I am, she puts her heart into everything she does. Most people don't see that, they assume Faith always takes the easy way, the way with the least chance of loss, of hurt. They don't see what I see. Everyone knows she kicks ass fighting vamps, but I know the toughest battles she has are the one's that go on inside her. She fights her emotions, trying to keep them caged, out of sight. "You can't trust people" she always tells me. "You let people in, they walk all over you." I tell her that she's wrong, that she can trust us. She can trust me. She always smiles at this, and I don't know if she won't believe me, or if she already does. Her biggest fight though, the one that's caused so many problems between us, is the ongoing battle with her fear. I know why Faith goes so wild when she's slaying. Vamps are solid, she can beat them. I sigh. I don't know if she'll ever beat the demons in her head.
I understand her love of the slay, even if I don't exactly feel the same. It's escapism, pure and simple. When she's out there slaying, she's in control, she's not thinking, she's not scared. I smile. She's more scared of us than she is of the undead. No one could ever accuse Faith of sitting in a corner. She's always up there, joking, laughing, telling stories of slaying in the nude. But it's a front. I look in her eyes and I see the kid there that wasn't loved, the girl who was let down too many times. I often wonder what would have happened if Angel hadn't been sent back from Hell, if I'd taken the time to find out what was going on behind all the "nothings" and "five by fives".
Faith's a lot of different things to my friends. Xander sees her as a buddy to take in a football game with and Anya likes to bitch about guys with her. Faith's a hero to Tara, so outgoing while she herself is so shy. Willow hasn't made up her mind about Faith yet, she likes her but doesn't quite trust her yet. I think this is mostly out of concern for me. Giles sees Faith, like me, as a surrogate daughter, and the funny thing is, so does Angel. They're so like each other, keeping their feelings inside, the darkness and guilt they carry with them. Faith is Angel's second chance, someone to save. Faith loves him for that, she may not admit it, but I know. Sometimes I can't help feeling jealous of the bond between them, but I try to push the thought out of my mind. Faith needs all the love she can get.
With Faith, it's always a case of trying to break down the barriers. I know one slip could send her back into the shell she has created. She is friends with all my friends now, but she doesn't really let them in. But with me, she's a little different. I am patient with her, coaxing her out, and she's responding. I feel privileged that she lets me in, that she thinks maybe I'm the one who'll understand her. Maybe it's a slayer thing, maybe not.
I am jolted out of my thoughts by the punch bag crashing to the floor. She's broken the support and she's sitting on the floor gasping. I walk over and sit down beside her. I put my arms around her without saying anything and she leans into me. I'm almost there.
I ask Faith to stay at my place tonight, partly because I'm worried, partly because I miss her when she's not around. She climbs into my bed and thanks me. I tell her not to worry about it.
She starts telling me stories and jokes around. I relax into her world of freedom, of travelling, of sex. She's something to me that she isn't to anyone else. She's the person that makes me realise what's possible, my inspiration and my warning. I admire her free spirit, her recklessness, her total lack of responsibility, but she also reminds me how important friends are, how important it is to let people in.
I have the stupid smile on my face that she always manages to put there, and I scoot closer to her and stroke her hair. She is surprised by the gesture, but smiles and carries on with her stories. I fight the urge to kiss her. She's opening up, I don't want to scare her.
I ask her about her past boyfriends and she tells me the list of deadbeats, losers and drummers. She says she always ends up with the ones that are bad for her, the ones that let her down.
I ask her if I'm bad for her.
She stops talking and turns to face me, looking shocked. "No, of course not." She says. "Why?"
"I won't let you down." I tell her. "You can trust me."
She smiles as usual, relaxing into the normal exchange, but I decide to pursue it. "Do you believe me?" I ask. She looks at me, contemplating the question before saying "Yes." I smile at her. She smiles back and sighs. "I really do."
I lean over her and kiss her lightly. Faith shrinks back and I wonder if I've really blown it this time.
"What was that?" She asks me slowly. I can't take my eyes off her and I think it's making her nervous.
"I think I love you." I say after a while. She just looks at me, a disbelieving expression on her face. "I'm sorry, I had to tell you." I continue, worried that she's about to make a run for it.
"Are you playing with me?" She asks quietly.
"No. I mean it. If you don't feel the same, it's OK." I reply.
Faith suddenly begins to laugh. "Yeah B." She says. "That's why I hated Angel for so long. That's why I asked you to Homecoming. It's because I don't feel the same."
I put my finger to her lips. "Tell me the truth." I say gently. She stops laughing and sighs.
"I love you B. I always have."
I want to cry I'm so relieved. I pull her close and look into her dark eyes. They seem open now, like they've lost some deep secret she's been trying to keep hidden. I kiss her slowly, pushing my tongue into her mouth and it feels good. It feels right.
We make love. I expect Faith to be rough, but she's gentle. Xander has told me how wild Faith can be in bed, and I'm surprised that she is so tender. I have the feeling she's taking it slowly for my benefit, perhaps because she knows I've only been with guys, perhaps because it's about love. It is slow, but passionate, and it's really, really good.
Afterwards, we lie in each others arms and I feel truly happy for the first time in months. With my head on her shoulder, I fall into a deep sleep.
Faith. She isn't what she seems. There's something inside her that rarely shows itself. She's showing it now.
"This is my favourite cartoon ever! X-men are so cool!"
I can't help it. I burst out laughing to see her sitting on my couch in her tank top and cutoffs eating cocopops straight from the packet, totally involved in a cartoon.
"What?" She grins at me, jumping up and pretending to be Wolverine. She pounces on me and wrestles me to the floor, easy for her in my weakened state of hysterics. She lies on top of me and smiles. I stroke her dark hair.
"I'm scared it won't stay this good." I say.
Faith grins and shakes her head. "Don't be scared. Kiss me."
So I do.