Shared Secrets
by Nikita
Rating: R
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss.
Author's Notes: Set after Faith gets out of jail. Oh! And Buffy has broken up
with Riley because he's so amazingly boring.
Feedback: You know I love it.
I sit and wait. I seem to do that a lot recently. A year in a jail cell, eight months in a coma. I'm getting used to it, but these last few months have really tried the little patience I have. Waiting for forgiveness, to be trusted. I smile. Waiting for B to put on her makeup is no biggie, I guess. Actually, sometimes I kind of like it. Sometimes the waiting is the best part, the adrenaline of knowing this night is ours, and not knowing where it'll take us.
We're Bronzing it tonight, the whole gang. I guess that's five by five, but I wish it was just me and B. Surprisingly, she's the one who seems to be thawing towards me the fastest. Usually I'd say I didn't give a fuck what the rest of the Scoobies thought of me, but they're B's crowd, and if I want to stay close to her, I guess I'll have to make an effort with the rest of them. I suppose it's kinda nice though, to have people around me for a change. I can almost kid myself into believing they're my friends and not just putting up with me for B's sake. And B needs her gang tonight, she's getting over Riley and a night out will be good for her I think. So I'll try to be good and not make any waves.
Finally she's ready and she does a twirl and I nod appreciatively. Damn, the girl looks good, short dress and long hair falling down over her shoulders. Class. I feel a bit weird as she looks at my leather trousers and tank top, but she smiles and I feel OK again. Why do I always want her approval? That's the cause of so many of the problems between us, I'm always way too willing to let her be my judge.
I invited Faith over to get ready. She doesn't show her feelings much, but I think she's nervous with the rest of the gang. They're getting over their distrust of her though, and I am too, although sometimes I want to force it out of her, her life story, but I guess she'll tell me when she's ready. I'm getting dressed and she's trying not to watch me, I can tell by the the way she's fidgeting. When I'm done, I twirl for her and she likes it. I look her over, leather and attitude as usual and I try not to stare. She looks great, always does.
The gang all want me to go out and find a guy tonight, but my heart's not really in it. I guess I'd rather stay in, but they're being really sweet. So we leave for the Bronze.
The Bronze is full of the usual crowd and me and B walk over to the table where the rest of the Scoobies are sitting. I'm not in the mood for this really, but I'm a good faker, so I make small talk with Red who looks as if she'd rather be pulling her fingernails out. My eyes are instinctively drawn to B and I'm surprised to see she's looking back at me as Xander rambles on as usual. I flick my eyes away as some guy asks me if I want a drink. Why not? I make my way over to the bar with him and hope I'm not ID'd. I flash some cleavage at the bartender and there's no problem. The guy is talking to me and I attempt to listen but I really can't be bothered. I'm in my own world tonight.
Xander's asking me what's up. I guess I am a bit spaced tonight. The guys think it's about Riley, but it's not. That relationship was over a while before it actually ended. Faith is at the bar with some guy who is spending his time looking at her breasts. Guys fall over themselves to get near her, and they usually manage. Staying close to her is more difficult though. She looks bored with his attempts at conversation. Faith never was much for that though. She talks a lot, but doesn't say much. It's when she's quiet that she speaks volumes, it's her eyes, so dark and deep-
Willow is tapping my arm and I drag my eyes away from Faith. A very obvious vamp is taking a girl outside. I jump up and run after them. I am just in time to see him attack her and I grab him and throw him against a wall. The girl gets up and runs and the vamp connects with my stomach with a kick. I swipe his legs and he's down, but he's strong and he flips me over and punches me just before he explodes into a pile of dust and I'm face to face with Faith who is breathing heavily, not from exertion I'm guessing but the `hungry and horny' thing. She smiles at me and pulls me up and we stand for a moment without talking.
B's hair is falling over her face as I help her up and I brush it away. I take my eyes from hers after a sec and turn back to the Bronze. I need some action.
Back inside, the guy who has been buying me drinks is looking for me. He's dull, but I guess he'll do. I take him to the dance floor and lose myself in the music.
The guys ask if there was a problem and I say no. No problem, not to the question they're asking. Faith's dancing, and damn, the girl can move. I decide to leave, I don't want to spend all night watching her. I say my good-byes and walk over to her to say I'll see her tomorrow. She turns to me and keeps dancing. I really should go I tell her. She nods and walks to the table and grabs her coat to come with me and I can't help but feel pleased. The guy she was dancing with does not look happy, apparently Faith's not the only one who's horny.
I'm giving up the chance for a fuck, but for some reason I would rather talk to B. I decide to go with her. When we get outside I ask her if she wants to come back to mine. She smiles and nods and my heart leaps. We walk slowly back, not saying much, but I'm happy. I really didn't want to be on my own tonight. We get back and crawl into bed. In the half light I can see her looking at me. There's things I want to say to her, but I don't know how to start. As if she can read my mind she says simply "Talk to me."
"What do you want me to say?" I ask.
Smiling she says "What ever you're thinking about."
I am Faith. I do not let people in. I do not open up. Tell people what you feel and they walk all over you. "I really could use a burger right now?" I try.
She hits my arm. "Please." She says.
Maybe I can do this. She is just staring at me, willing me to let her into my fucked up life. "I'm really bad at this." I say. She just keeps looking and sighs.
For the little we say, we're close. I know when something is on her mind, and I have a feeling I know what it is. It's on mine too. She's not going to start though, so I decide to initiate the conversation. "I'm glad I'm here." I say.
She nods.
OK. "I like being close to you." I keep going. "I missed you."
She nods again.
Silence.
I decide to go all out. "There's no one else I'd rather be with."
She nods again. I'm about to give up when she says "There's no one else I ever want to be with."
I let my hand fall from my side so it's touching her leg. Subtle.
Just say it. God, why is it so difficult? Her fingers are light, but I can feel them moving gently against my thigh. I want to tell her everything. "Trust me." She whispers. "I promise I won't let you down."
Can I say it all? Let it out? Tell her about the hurt inside me?
My stepfather?
My mother?
My watcher?
She moves a little closer, her hand a little firmer against me, moving up my body until her arm is draped around my waist. "Tell me everything." She says softly. "I care about you."
I can do this. No emotion. Just say it.
"Slaying was the only thing I knew I could do." I begin slowly. She just watches me. Lets me talk. "Kakistos, when he killed my watcher, I thought it was the end. I couldn't even protect her. I ran. She looked after me after my parents were gone. And I couldn't help her. My mother's dead, alcohol, never knew my dad." I pause. Now the really big thing. "My stepdad...." Deep breath. "I was nine. He married my mom, and he changed. He....the things he did to me...." I can't do this. Her big green eyes are unblinking as she looks at me, urging me on. "He hit me all the time, for everything I did. And he- he.... raped me." I blurt out. I look at her and I'm crying and she just pulls me close and I am lost in her hair, in her scent, in her.
I just hold her and I realise I am crying too. I can hardly believe she has told me this.
Faith.
A year ago we were trying to kill each other and now we are crying in each other's arms. It would seem to the observer that everything has changed. Perhaps it has, but there is still that passion between us. Love, hate, in whatever form it has always been there.
"I wish I could change what happened." She whispers. "God, B. I never thought I could hurt you as much as I did."
I kiss her forehead softly. "It's OK. Everything is going to be OK." I say.
Her tears are slowing and as she looks up at me, I know all I want is to be closer than we are now, and I wonder if we'll ever be close enough. And then I stop thinking because there is only her lips on mine.
She is kissing me and nothing else matters. She traces my lips with her tongue and her hands are massaging my back.
I understand how Angel lost his soul to her. I just don't understand how he kept it for so long because this is my first true moment of happiness.
We kiss for an eternity and it is not long enough. We part because oxygen is needed, but I can say if I died now, my life would be perfect.
She rests her head against mine and
silence............
No words are perfect enough.
I'm scared I'll spoil this moment. I just look into those deep brown eyes and listen to her breathing.
But I whisper.
"I love you."
She strokes my face so gently. "I love you too B."
I roll her onto her back and kiss her again and we're making love and I am lost in her and all I can feel is her and all I can see is her and I love her and she loves me and there is nothing else that can ever be so perfect.
Yes, we hurt each other, like only someone you love can. But it is washed away with this.
This.
This was how our passion was always meant to be shown.
B is falling asleep with her arms around my waist and her head on my shoulder and she is so beautiful. I kiss her gently.
And the last thing I think before I fall asleep is that I can't wait to wake up to see her again.