Sunlight
by Nikita
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: The BtVS and AtS characters belong to the
great and powerful Joss. The other characters belong
to the great and powerful Nikita.
Notes: Set 5 years after the Gift, kicking off from
somewhere during season 6. I’d just like
to point out that I started writing this fic way
before the end of season 6, and the arrival of the
Potentials. Which I know about because I am a spoiler
whore and not because I’ve seen the episodes. Stupid
Digital TV failure. *rants*. In other news, I’m
planning on sticking around a bit longer than the last
time I returned. Feel free to bring out the streamers.
Dedications: Wlfgrrl: For inspiring me to start
writing again and the ridiculous amounts of praise you
heap on me everyday. *grins* I love you baby. Sway:
Because uni work must be avoided! No masculine theory
here, just lots of lesbian sex. Cassie: If it’s angst,
it’s yours. *wink* Happy Birthday! Kay: Watch them,
watch them, watch them! I’m just going to bug you till
you do. And I await the goss anxiously...
Feedback: Feed my habit. I will pay you in cookies.
PROLOGUE
At 24, she was the oldest one there.
There were 30 of them now. She didn’t know why they had stopped at 30. Didn’t matter. Nothing much mattered anymore.
She lay on the bottom bunk and stared at the metal springs above her, creaking under the weight of the other girl. There wasn’t much else to look at. She could always close her eyes of course, but then she’d see her. And she saw her enough in her dreams.
She looked over as she heard a thud, and saw the big black boots of a guard stepping out of the room as the door closed firmly. She didn’t have to listen to know that the lock was closed too.
Then a click and a whir, and the lights blinked out, just like every night. She reached under her mattress and pulled out her forbidden cigarettes, putting one in her mouth and lighting the small room with a flick of her zippo. She could see a red glow from one of the two other bunks too. It wasn’t allowed, but none of them would tell. It didn’t matter.
The bed squeaked loudly as a face peered over the side of the bunk.
“You got a-”
She held up a cigarette to the girl, and could just make out a wink in the darkness.
“And a-”
She lit it and was met with a thumbs up. She didn’t mind giving up her smokes, hard as they were to come by. It was the least she could do. It was her fault they were here, after all.
She lay back down and watched the smoke disappear into the room, listening to the whimpers of one of the younger girls. Soon, she would drift off to sleep, and the girl would creep over, crawl under the sheets and hold onto her like she was some kind of saviour. Sometimes there was one, sometimes two. But there was always someone.
She didn’t care. Let them think she was strong, let them think she was smart. It made things easier, the ones who hated her leaving her alone because they were afraid. Only she knew better. She knew she wasn’t strong, she knew she wasn’t smart. She knew she couldn’t save anyone.
She had proved that.
And that was why they were here. Housed with tamed demons in a cave under LA, all of them with a electric band around their necks. A band that would kill them if they fought, they all knew that. The Council weren’t afraid to do it. They had killed them all before.
Stubbing out her cigarette, she closed her eyes and waited for the familiar dream.
The dream of the last free slayer, only one of the people she couldn’t save.
Faith sighed, and dreamed of Buffy Summers.
There are a million reasons why someone could call me a coward. The fact that no one ever has, I guess only shows how scared I can get. I never let anyone close enough to see, and no one ever tried to find out.
Before I start to sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself, let me clear something up. I’m not. Fuck yeah, I’ve had shitty times, but hasn’t everyone? Who the hell has a normal family now? Who doesn’t get get fucked over by people they think they can trust?
No one.
Sooner or later, we all end up alone. Everyone reaches the stage when your lover’s cute little habits become irritations, or one of you drinks too much vodka and finds themselves fucking a stranger in the back of a beat up car. And sometimes, it’s just that one of you forgets how you got there in the first place. In the end, everyone gets bored. It’s how we move on, right? Personal growth and shit.
Well, at least I had some fun along the way.
Look at me now, a week out of prison and again I’m looking for a bed for the night. You might have thought that I’d hook up with Angel, but no. Not this time. I’ve been through that learn and forgive shit too many times. It got me locked up and more alone than ever. I’m done.
I’m back.
It’s never a problem, finding somewhere to sleep. Move your ass, fuck them until they pass out, leave before they wake up. No problem, and no loss of cash. Easy. I guess it can’t stay this way forever, but for now, it’ll do.
I’m free.
Yeah, free of guilt, free of responsibility, free of that blonde chick. You thought I’d get out and go scurrying back to her? She’s in the past. No way am I going back to moping over her. Hell, she’s probably found herself a new boy by now anyway. Innocent my ass.
She wanted sex, just like we all do. No matter how much she tried to deny it, she loved the danger, the thrill. I could smell it on her, sense it. That adrenaline when we slayed, the look in her eyes when we talked about it. She hid it well, sure. But not from me. We were too alike for that.
But this isn’t about her. Not this time. Right now, I’m sitting in a dark, smoky bar, and I need to find somewhere to sleep.
The shot of vodka doesn’t even burn as I drink it. It tastes like water to me now, even after my year inside. Old habits, and all.
My eyes scan the room for a likely candidate, and my eyes fall on a tall, short haired blonde. Standing, I make my way over to her, giving her my best, confident gaze. My hands come down on the table a little harder than I mean, but she doesn’t flinch.
“Hey.” I say. “How’s it going?”
She nods, and stands, motioning to the door, and I wonder how long she’s been watching me.
“Let’s go.” She commands.
I almost pull back at her show of dominance, but hell. It’s late.
So I follow her into the night.
PART 1B- Dawn
Notes: “Dawn” is not a reference to the brat.
Morning came the way it always did.
The clinical floors and beds were lit too suddenly by electric light, allowing no time for a slow departure from sleep and instead thrusting them back into their real world. A world they knew too well from years and years of routine.
But Faith didn’t care. As hostile and claustrophobic as her life was, it was still a relief from night. As always, she blanked the dream from her mind as she watched one of the younger ones scurry back across the cold, tile floor, leaving her with the sensation of her cooling skin and the vaguest sense of missing the pressure of an arm around her waist.
Stretching slightly, she fingered the collar around her neck, adjusting it from the place it had dug into her skin during the night. As she sighed at the relief of pressure, she wondered briefly if she slept peacefully and why she seemed to be a source of strength for so many of them.
But she didn’t really care. The thought came and went as she sat up and yawned. Even after all these years, she was still not a morning person. Unlike the girl who slept above her, already leaping off the top bunk and gracefully hopping back onto Faith’s bed.
“Morning.” Sandie grinned, reaching for a brush and turning back towards her as she dragged it through her shock of thick, brown hair.
As always, Faith wondered what the point was, as it always seemed to return to its natural state seconds after the brush was laid back down.
Sandie flashed a grin at Faith’s contemplative expression and stood, stretching out her full five foot frame before grabbing Faith’s hand and pulling her out of bed. Shrugging off her protest as she did every day, the shorter girl lead her towards the door, giving Faith barely enough time to snatch up her clothes before she was tugged out of the room.
In the early morning daze that still took her so long to shake, Faith padded along the clean, white corridor with the other girls from her room, her senses trying to focus on the tight grip of her bunkmate’s hand instead of the lingering memory of her nightly dream. Sandie’s protective strength, the almost damp cold of the tiles under her feet and the glare of the electric light. Details were easier to cope with than the truth. The truth confronted her too often, too completely, finding a weakness in her shield that nothing else had been able to penetrate. Details were what mattered when oblivion could not be achieved.
So she focused. Stepping into their shared showers, closing her eyes as warm water flooded over her and relishing the softness of soap on her body. She placed her hands on the tiles in front of her, cool under her fingertips, and stepped out of herself. Nothing.
“You sleep well, Faith?”
She growled at the voice that dragged her back into reality, and didn’t bother to look up. She knew who it was.
“I sure as hell didn’t.” The rough voice of her room mate continued. “Kept awake all night by your fucking muttering.”
Faith closed her eyes again, willing the tall blonde to step away and find someone else to irritate. Her wishes, as always, come to her rescue in the form of Sandie.
“Can’t you find somewhere else to be, Jess?” She snapped from Faith’s other side.
“What? I just want to ask Faith why she can’t get over herself and shut the fuck up at night.”
“It’s none of your business.” Sandie shot back at her, her voice raising in dislike. “Find somewhere else to sleep. I didn’t think that be a problem for you.”
Faith mentally shut out the noise of the two girls bitching over her, and tried to go back to concentrating on the smooth, cleansing water washing over her.
“Oh, I get what I want.” Jess snorted back, shattering Faith’s concentration again. “Just a matter of time.” She leaned against the tiles as she took in the room, searching for the girl who had spent the night in Faith’s bed. “Unless you get there first.” She winked at Faith, who continued to ignore her, oblivious to her stare.
“She’s not into kids.” Sandie growled, turning to face her, one hand placed protectively on the small of Faith’s back.
Jess grinned wickedly as she watched her, pushing herself up from the tiles as she spoke. “No... I guess not. I guess you’ll be the one to sort out that itch, huh San?” She licked her lips slowly, and ran her hand over her short, blonde hair. Her eyes flicked to Faith, ignoring the conversation as much as she possibly could, and back to Sandie. “Or not. She prefers blondes, huh?”
The crash of Sandie’s body smacking into the taller girl’s even made Faith open her eyes. It was almost funny, this tiny girl throwing herself onto the tall, muscular blonde. The primal growls from both of them as they fought in the roughest way either of them knew, betrayed their true natures. Two fighters locked in a playground battle of hair pulling and scratching.
Faith pushed herself up from the wall, and made her way past them, not even looking back as the cries from the other girls filled the room.
She shrugged as she told herself it didn’t matter. It wasn’t her business. She was Faith.
She was alone.
PART 1C- Morning
“It wasn’t that I thought of you.
I had long since blocked you from my life, denying your existence until words that once reminded me of you lost their meaning. Two, five, they meant nothing to me. And neither did you.
It was not something I even had to tell myself anymore. I had passed the stage of forgetting you, and entered a part of my life that you had never been involved in. All too soon, I could not have pictured your face, even if I had wanted to.
It wasn’t that I thought of you.
But one morning, I woke to find you.
You were there in mind before I opened my eyes, as if you had come to me in my dreams, forcing my realisation that consciousness was not needed for me to feel you around me.
Hot, heavy, close. The very air tasted of you. I drank it in as my tongue darted over my lips, thinking of the way you would kiss me then, remembering you without once thinking of your name. I could feel you there, everywhere, your soft, full lips on mine and your hands slowly running through my hair.
I could feel your weight sinking into the mattress every time you took a breath. I could feel the heat of your skin as you brushed against me, sending sparks down my body and coaxing me into life.
I felt as if I could reach out and touch you, but I never moved my hands from my body. I kept them rooted on my skin to save myself the pain of disappointment of reaching out to the cold sheets beside me. A space that had been there forever, yet had never felt empty before.
If I had opened my eyes, I know the tears I kept inside would have come. They would have burned and flooded until nothing was left, and I would have lost the comfort of my daydream. And I wanted a few more minutes of you.
The patterns I traced on my skin were made by your fingers. As heat rose in my body, it was your soft, confident touch that made its way southward. It was your tongue that traced my lips and drew sighs from deep within me. As my hips rose from the bed, it was to meet your fingers, slicking them with a desperate arousal.
But still I did not think of your name, your voice. I was lost in an illusion, a fantasy that had finally forced its way to the surface, and consumed by the pleasure that your hands gave me, I surrendered momentarily, making promises in my mind that this was only once, that it meant nothing.
I could feel wisps of your hair brushing against my shoulders, your breasts pushing against mine. Every inch of your skin was pressed against me as you slid your fingers easily inside, taking me closer to orgasm with every stroke of your hand. As I felt you inside me, something rose from the depths of my soul, a memory of a look you once threw me, a confidence in your eyes that we were joined. Destiny. Fate. Together.
Wrenching me almost out of my dream, I struggled to put the thought back inside, to lock away the danger of its meaning. But my hips continued to thrust, your breath still strong in my ear.
And when I came, it was your name that I called.
Panic boiling close to the surface, I withdrew my fingers, sinking back into the mattress with a whimper. Tears burned in my eyes as I tried to push away the feeling of your closeness. But it seemed impossible, your scent, your sound returning with every breath I took.
So I kept my eyes closed.
And I thought of you.”
...to be continued...