Thinking Of You
by Nikita
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Joss's creations.
Author's Notes: Since Faith was absent during Earshot, I thought I'd write
how it might have been if Buffy could hear her thoughts at the
time. Sat down and did a free flow writing type thing as Faith and
here it is.
Feedback: Please do!
My thoughts? Fantastic, she can read my mind. St Buffy is all seeing. I bet she loves that. Got some power now, huh B? Always knew she had it in her, that dominant thing. I'll never let you dominate me though B. I'm stronger than that, stronger than you, always will be.
OK, focus, don't let her in to this screwed up mind. You think guys in Sunnydale are perverted? You ain't heard nothing yet, you don't want inside this head B, I got thoughts that would really make you blush, make you squirm....No! You shouldn't see that, shouldn't hear it I suppose, Oh God don't look at me like that. I always loved that smile, don't laugh at me bitch! Stop thinking! Clear my head...............
Ugh, can't do it Buffy, no don't let her in no don't panic! No biggie I'm strong and nothing will hurt me again. Won't let it, not you again. No one hurt me like you did with dead boy, he may have lost his soul to you but I lost- stop! You can't hurt me now I've got him! The Mayor won't let me down like you did, he's my father....My father! Won't let that out to you, that pain is over and no one will dominate me again because I'm the slayer and I'll kick your ass, not weak like I was then when he was so strong, so big and I was so small pushing me down- no! Stop! Get away from me don't touch me B!
Yes, stay away, that's right. Don't you dare feel sorry for me, I don't want your fucking pity. I'm strong and I'm in control, I wasn't then, I thought he was a vampire. It could have been you, I didn't mean to, but I'm a killer now and you hate me for it. Well that's five by five B cause I hate you too, I hate you with your perfect friends and perfect home and perfect life and perfect body. I hate you cause you never asked, never cared, never loved me like I needed you to. Just trust, that's all I wanted, but now you never will because I'm a killer and I'm evil, you'll never love me because how can you? How can you when I hate myself?
No! Get the Hell away from me, leave me alone! I don't deserve it, go away I don't want you to hear this, keep you out or you'll see I'm pathetic and hate me more. Why couldn't you have believed in me? Thought I could be good, but no, you saw what everyone sees that I'm trash. They all left and you were no different, find the fun and then leave, but I didn't care because I didn't love them.
Fuck, why don't you just go? I can't stop and I know you love this B. I know that underneath that pristine exterior you love the power and the bad and the wrong just like me. Just like me! I know that look you get when you slay and I understand it because I feel it too, you, my other half, when you hate me it's like hating myself. Oh really? You don't hate me? Don't give me that shit, I fucked up and now I'll be evil so you won't feel guilty about what you have to do, I'll take the shit with me cause I'm used to it and it would break you and you shouldn't be broken. You should be kept safe. Well I'll deal allright. Embrace the evil because you'll never forgive me anyway and I always did what you wanted, helped you cut loose, get over Scott, oh yeah, I got you to find the fun, and now? Now you need to blame me so I'll let you, I'll be your enemy because I'll do anything as long as you don't forget about me, because I'll never forget about you. Oh yeah, I hate you, but I never, never stopped....
Oh no. Not going to go there, no point, you love dead boy and that's fine. Shit, even a vampire is worth more to you than me, couldn't even fuck him and you still stayed. I was never even close to being good enough, well maybe I can be bad enough.... It doesn't have to be like this? Yeah right B. It's gone too far already! Did you ever think we were going to be friends, like I could settle for that? Stop fucking kidding yourself, I rather live with your hate than with your indifference. Shit, at least this way I get a reaction more than a fucking raised eyebrow! Hate, love, whatever. There's the fucking passion and it's never going to settle. I thought you'd have worked that out be now. Yeah, that's right B. Don't want to hear it? This isn't my fault, I didn't want it, but it's there always, even now I fucking hate you so much and I still Goddamn love you!
Yeah, you look fucking shocked now B. Told you not to get into this screwed up mind, didn't I? Bet you wished you'd listened. How about that B? Huh? Big bad Faith loves you and never fucking stopped. I know you knew, I dropped so many hints and you ignored then all. Well your eyes are open now and I guess you hate me even more.
Step back! Fuck you B! Fuck you! Don't tell me you're fucking sorry! Shit, I never wanted to be alone, never wanted to be without you and you left me! How could you leave me alone in here, in this darkness? Stop trying to touch me! It's too fucking late! You help everyone but not me! You left me alone! You gave me a chance? Reached out? Yeah right, only when your guilt kicked in. St Buffy couldn't handle that, oh no. Didn't save me, did you B? Shouldn't I have been first on your list? I guess you just thought the same as everyone else, that I'm not worth the fucking effort.
Don't touch me. I mean it. Shit, I searched for you, know that? Looked everywhere and when I found you, when I saw you, I knew it was all worth it. You stole my fucking destiny, kept me at arms length and I still fucking loved you! Even after you let me down. Even after you stopped trying.
I never stopped.
It's too late Buffy. Did I deserve this? I guess I must have cause the Powers That Be don't fuck it up, right? It's always been the same, everyone sees that I'm shit, I just didn't care with them. Nothing prepared me for how much you could hurt me. Why are you crying? Can't be for me, still feeling guilty? Stop trying to get close....stop it Buffy, I can't fight you anymore, I'm so fucking tired....
B, let me go....
I know you don't care, I know you don't love me so stop saying it. I don't want you to see me cry....stop. Shit, you feel so good, so warm. You feel so safe.
Fine, if that's what you want, I'll let you hold me cause I'd do anything for you, always would.
Why couldn't you have done this before? I don't want to move, not ever.
B, I know you don't mean it, but I wish you did. I know it can't be true, but I can pretend if you can.
Tell me everything will be OK, tell me you'll keep me close forever, tell me you love me.
Lie to me....