The Way It Is
by Nikita
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: The characters belong to the great and powerful Joss.
Spoilers: Set after S5.
Author's Notes: Faith's pov. I just had to get this
idea out of my head before writing the next part of TTWHD.
Feedback: Please!
I know things will never be right again. Being part of Buffy's life was something I gave up the right to as soon as I hurt her.... hell, maybe I never had the right in the first place. I keep ignoring my instincts, the ones that tell me to stay the fuck away, the ones that tell me that there's no point in even trying. But I can't stop. As soon as I got out I came running back here, and I don't know why.
I stand and watch her kicking the crap out of a few everyday... uh, everynight vamps. She's improved since I last saw her. She was always quick and clean, not like me, but there's something different. I think maybe she knows now, that this isn't a job. Maybe she finally gets what I've always said. This is what we were built for. Hell, I guess dying changes a girl.
I suppose Angel gave her the heads up that I'm out, but she hasn't come looking for me. I guess I'm not even a threat anymore, which is kinda a blow to the ego. I've been back in Sunnydale for a few days and she doesn't even know that I'm here. Or maybe she just doesn't care.
And that's the killer. I always thought if Buffy died, a part of me would die too. But I was wrong. That wasn't what did it. I've always been able to guess what she was thinking, part of the slayer deal I suppose, and when she died it was so clear. I felt her so strongly at that moment, and it killed me. It killed me because she welcomed death with open arms. She was at peace with everything, and she didn't think of me once.
I guess that's why I always tried so hard to hurt her, I wanted to be in her head all the time, like she was in mine. I'd always choose her hating me over her not giving a damn. When I was in jail it all changed. Buffy wasn't just some girl I loved anymore. She became my hope, and with that gone, I know I'm not gonna last long. I'm part of Buffy's past, not her future and I know that now. So I'm not here because I think I can make things right, or because I think I can say I'm sorry. I'm just here because I want to say goodbye.
So when she stakes the last vamp, I step out of the bushes and face her.
"Hey." She says, like it's only been a day since I last saw her. She walks over to the nearest gravestone and leans against it. Surprised, I walk slowly towards her.
"Hey." I say back. We look at each other for a while, she's waiting for me to say something but I don't know how. I never knew how to say what I felt.
"I wondered when you were going to stop hiding." She says, twirling her stake in her hands and looking at me calmly.
"You knew I was here?" I ask, still confused.
Buffy nods. "Angel told me. Figured it was only a matter of time until you found your way back here." She stands up straight and stares right through me. "So what do you want?"
I look at the ground for a while, trying to figure out what to say. Getting impatient, she throws some suggestions out. "Want to say you're sorry?" She asks. I shake my head. "Make it all better?" I shake my head again.
"Want to fight?" She asks, a mocking tone in her voice.
I look at her for a moment. Maybe it would be better that way, just let her do it. It's not like I've got anything to live for.
She's moving towards me. No, make that slinking towards me, full of confidence. I guess I'm showing weakness, because she's realised how in control she is. "Want to dance?" She purrs into my ear.
So she's figured it out, and here I was thinking that little Miss Perfect was completely oblivious to my flirting. I'm suddenly angry that she's using this to hurt me. Of everything she could have played on, it had to be this. But weirdly, I guess my anger is what saves me.
So I muster all my will and remember who I used to be. I slam my hips into her and growl. "We've been dancing since the first night we met."
She steps away from me, a look of shock on her face. And it gives an edge, some of the old confidence back. Well, enough to get me through the next five minutes. I reach out and take her hand.
"I know how it is, B." I say, deciding just to say what I mean. "I know it's never gonna be right, and I'm not asking you to try."
She nods briefly. "Then what do you want?"
"I just wanted to say goodbye." I reply, not really trusting myself to say anything else.
She just looks at me, not moving, not speaking. I force a grin. "Goodbye, B." I say.
I take my hand from her slowly, stretching the moment of the last contact of her fingers on mine. Then I put my hands in my pockets and turn around.
"Faith?"
"Yeah?" I reply, keeping my back to her.
"I'm never going to see you again, am I?"
I notice the hint of sadness in her voice, but I just shake my head. I walk away, forcing my feet to keep moving. I probably wouldn't have heard her whisper "good luck" if I hadn't been a slayer. But then, if I hadn't been a slayer I think a lot of things would be different.
I can't help it. I turn around and open my mouth to speak, but she's already walking away.
I sigh and watch her go.
I guess things always would have been this way.