The Slayer’s Wish
by Nikita
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: The characters belong to the great and
powerful Joss.
Spoilers: S4 BtVS.
Author's Notes: Faith’s pov. This is set after about a year
after S4, but S5 never happened, so no Dawn and no
Gift, but Buffy is back in the care of the council.
Also no Riley because, well duh. I don’t like him. I
had two kind of similar ideas, this is one, and the
other might end up as a Things We Have Done sequel.
Maybe : ) <flashback> [dream] Contains
references to Restless (S4).
Feedback: Please! And as always, thank you to those
who sent me some last time. It was of course, much
appreciated.
I’m surprised to see the two suited guys, to say the least. I haven’t had any visitors since Angel over a year ago, and he didn’t come to my cell. But I don’t show my confusion. It’s a sign of weakness.
The guard follows them in, and I allow myself to be cuffed and led outside. I’m too tired to ask where we’re going. That’s a part of me that’s changed a lot recently. I always said I didn’t care, but now I really don’t. I just don’t have the will to fight anymore.
So I still don’t have a clue what’s going on when they push me into a van and close the door. I squint in the darkness, trying to figure out who it is that is sitting opposite me. Some old guy, I can tell that much. Then he speaks, and I realise he’s English.
“You’re no longer a prisoner.” He says.
I laugh. “Could of fooled me.” I reply, holding up my cuffed hands.
He gets up and opens a little window in the van. As the sunlight floods in, I shut my eyes. I’m not used to the light anymore.
“My name is Quentin Travers.” He says, sitting back down. “You are now the property of the council.”
I just stare at him, wondering where this is going.
“We need a slayer.” He continues. “There are those amongst my colleagues that wanted to kill you and train a new girl. But I think you deserve a chance. Work with us, and you will be free.”
His words hit me like a fist. They need a slayer. My stomach jolts as I realise what that means. “What about Buffy?” I whisper, dreading the answer.
“Buffy Summers is dead.” He says, without an once of sympathy.
I close my eyes again. When I think about it, I find that I already knew. Something inside me has been missing. I know now that it was her.
“We’re going to Sunnydale.” He goes on. “Will you work with us?”
I look at him and decide I have nothing to lose anymore. “Whatever.” I say.
We don’t speak for the rest of the journey. I can’t speak. All I can think of is her, and life without her in it. Sure, I know I haven’t see her in two years, but I always believed I’d see her again. And now she’s dead, and so am I. Without Buffy, redemption means nothing. Nothing I do means anything anymore.
I guess it’s not the healthiest thing in the world, to live your life entirely for someone else. The thing is, even though it made me kill, made me insane, it also saved me. I did everything for her, and that includes going to jail. Now I’m out, and they expect me to pick up where she left off. And all I want to do is die.
When the van stops and the doors open, I step out and am led into some shop. Weird, I think, before I see the entire Scooby gang. Great, just what I need.
They look at me with expressions of disgust, and I understand why. They hated me anyway, and now I’ve come to take the place of their beloved Buffy. I just stand there as Quentin talks to Giles, who doesn’t appear very happy that he is to take the role of my watcher. They all just keep staring at me, hating me, and all I can think is that I just don’t care.
Quentin claps me on the shoulder once as he leaves. He says something that I don’t hear. Actually, I don’t hear anything around me. My ears are filled with silence. The silence that is Buffy.
Willow begins to say something, and I can tell by the expression on her face that it’s a good thing I’m not listening. Xander joins in, and I’m aware that I suddenly laughing. It’s all so absurd. Did they really think I could do this? Did they really think I could replace her?
I feel a hand on my shoulder and Giles is leading me away from them, taking me into some back room. He shuts the door and stands in front of me, and I start laughing harder. He yells something and getting no response, slaps me.
I look at him in shock for a second, and then the tears come. And it feels like they’ll never stop.
I slump to the floor, and he puts his arm around me. “I’m sorry...” I whisper, not to him, but to her. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there, I’m sorry for everything I’ve done, because if I hadn’t, maybe I could have saved her. He sits down next to me and nods.
“I know.” He says.
“I can’t do this.” I say, pleading with him. “I can’t....”
“Yes you can.” He replies firmly. “I know you have regrets, Faith.” He says.
“I always thought I could make it better” I gasp through my tears I’m not surprised that they’re so disgusted with me. I disgust myself. “I never even told her how sorry I am.” I whisper. “I never told her-”
“You can make it right, Faith.” He says. “Carry on. Keep slaying, and make us proud of you.”
I nod, tired of this talk. Does he really believe it’s that easy?
I leave without speaking to anyone else. I can’t take it right now. Giles told me to go straight to the motel, not to go slaying tonight. He mentioned having to tell me something, but wanting to wait until tomorrow.
However, I decide to ignore him. If I don’t kill something tonight, I might end up doing something to myself.
So I head to the nearest graveyard and hunt for vampires, needing the release, needing to feel some power again. I haven’t felt power in so long.
The first vampire I see is staked in seconds. And the second, and third. The fourth is not so lucky. I cut loose on him in a big way. I don’t stop at a broken nose. Or two broken arms. Or countless broken ribs. I kick him until he’s unconscious from the pain, and as I stake him, I briefly realise that we are both feeling the same thing. Complete and overbearing pain, that will only end in our inevitable deaths.
I stand up and brush down my trousers, tears flowing freely again. It takes me a moment to register the sound of clapping from behind me. I turn and realise what Giles had to tell me.
Even if I hadn’t already known she was dead, I would have realised then. Buffy wouldn’t have to go game face for me to realise she was a vampire. It was her eyes that did it. They were dead, the same deadness I recognised from my own eyes every time I looked in the mirror.
“Still got that taste for blood, Faith?” She grins.
“Buffy.” I whisper. “I’m sorry...”
She shrugs. “Why? I’m not.” She walks closer to me. “You have no idea how strong I am. Slayer and vampire strength combined. I feel so alive.”
“You look pretty dead to me.” I reply. It’s stupid, I know, but some part of me is so grateful to be able to see her again. I keep telling myself ‘it’s not her. This is the thing that killed her,' but at this point, I’ll take what I can get.
Buffy eyes the stake in my hand and grins. “You gonna use that?” She asks, mocking me. “You gonna slam it into me, hard and fast?” She moves closer to me as my breathing quickens. “I know you’ve wanted to.... but do you still want to hurt me?”
I gasp, trying to focus. This is not Buffy. It’s not Buffy that is moving closer to me, it’s not her eyes that are locked in mine. It’s not her. The girl I love is gone.
She shakes her head slowly. “C’mon Faith” she drawls. “I know you’ve been dreaming about this, about me. Now it’s right in front of you, you’re not gonna take it?” She leans closer and blows air that I know she doesn’t need into my ear. “You’re not gonna take me?”
She leans up against me, and I suddenly realise that I’m up against a wall. My stake has it’s point against her back, and she’s looking into my eyes.
And I know what she wants.
She leans closer to me and brushes her lips against mine.
I can taste the blood on her lips. I can see the deadness in her eyes. And somewhere, I know what I am supposed to do.
<“Vampire. Slayer. Dead vampire.”>
But I don’t. I don’t because I was never a hero, and I’m not going to change now. I drop my stake and give her my life, because it’s what she wants me to do.
I nod at her once, and she kisses me again, grinning against my mouth, and she turns game face.
As I feel her teeth sink into my neck, I wonder briefly how the council ever thought I could kill her. I realise that no one really knows me, on one really knows that my life means nothing without Buffy. The pain changes slightly to some masochistic pleasure, and I gasp against her, pulling her down harder to my neck, my tears falling freely on her hair.
Just when I think I’m going to pass out, she pushes me back against the wall and cuts her own neck with a fingernail. She looks at me once, happily, and then she pulls me to her.
And I drink.
Her blood flows into my mouth and I hold her tight. I have blood on my hands already, but after tonight, it won’t be just the blood I take. Every life Buffy takes will be down to me, because I could have stopped her. But I didn’t. Because there is only one thing I care about.
When I pass out, the last thing I see is her smiling at me gently. Maybe it’s true that she is not the same girl I first fell in love with, and maybe it’s true that she’ll never love me. But all I can think is that I want the pain to stop.
And I’d rather be in hell with her than in heaven alone.
When I open my eyes, I'm not in a grave as I expected. I guess I should have known, B was never really one for traditions. I'm in a big dark room, sprawled out on a bed, and I have this hunger inside me that is like nothing I've ever felt before. It's something that comes from deep within my body, I'd say my soul, but hey. Guess that's not a problem anymore.
It takes me a second to register B staring at me, with pretty much the same look on her face that she had just before I passed out. Gentle, yeah, but also kinda... well... smug, I guess.
I want to wipe that grin off that pretty face.
"I've got something for you." She says, walking towards the door and reaching through it. I can hear whimpers as a girl struggles to get away from her grasp. But she doesn't have a hope, of course, and B pulls her into the room, her eyes flashing with excitement.
I look the girl over slowly. I guess I want to take my time with this one, my first. Make a difference from my human life. I can't help but grin at what she's brought me. The girl's about our age, thin, pale, and above all else, she's a redhead.
"I thought you might like her." B grins. Yeah, she'll be great practise for the real Red.
I grab her and my face turns without me even having to think about it. She struggles, and I let her almost get away, just so I can tear her last hopes from her as I pull her back. B's still grinning as I expose the girl's neck and make my descent. I can hear her uneeded breathing becoming shallow as she watches my mouth move down to the red head's skin. My eyes flash up to the blonde's as my teeth penetrate the soft, white skin, and then they snap shut as the girl's hot blood starts to flow into my mouth.
It's pure life surging through your veins, it's power like nothing else on earth. Some people would say that real power is being able to spare a life, not take it. I say they don't know what the hell they're talking about. This is power. I can feel her crumpling in my arms and her heart slowing. And this is what I mean. I have taken a life again, and now, I could make her mine for ever.
But I don't.
She dies in my arms and I wait for the pang of remorse which I should know from slaying vamps for years, will never come. Instead, I stand up and lick my lips. I can still feel her blood running through me, and I have never felt so alive. Which I guess is kinda dumb.
My thoughts snap back to B and wiping the grin off her face. She's staring at me, still breathing out completely unnecessary gasps. Then I realise that I'm doing it too, after years of needing oxygen, I guess the habit is hard to break. But who cares? It's turning me on, her breathing, her eyes, and that grin.... I don't want her to grin. I want to make her scream.
I grab her and pull her close to me. She's trying to look innocent and failing miserably. She was never as innocent as she wanted people to believe. She's gasping against me, daring me to move in. I turn and slam her against the wall, making her gasp out again and pull me into her. I snatch her hands and pin them above her head, the length of my body pushing into hers, and I can feel her breath on my face, her hips moving against my own, and our eyes are still locked together.
"I've always wanted to know what it was like to fuck the undead." I growl. "You'd never tell me about it."
"I guess you'll just have to find out for yourself." She breathes back.
I was going to say I always wanted to fuck her too, but actions speak louder, right?
She's begging me with her eyes, her hips grinding against me now, and I capture her lips with my own. There is heat between us that I didn't know could exist, especially between two vampires. Her lips open, pulling my tongue inside her, exploring my mouth, moaning against me, and I don't even think slaying ever got me this horny. I run my hands down her arms, and her hands clasp the back of my head, forcing me as close as it is possible to be. My hands run down her perfect curves, stopping at the hem of her top. I stop kissing her for a second as I pull her top over her head and gasp at her breasts, the same ones that I have been dreaming about touching since I first laid eyes on her.
I slam into her again, our lips meeting once more before I lower my head and take a hard nipple into my mouth. She groans out my name as I scrape my teeth over it, my hand reaching for the other and rolling it between my fingers. Her moaning is turning me on almost as much as her breasts are, and I can feel myself getting as wet as it is possible to be, but I hold out, wanting to fuck her, make her come before I do. I look up at her and she's so turned on it causes me to snicker. I snap the button on her trousers open and undo the zipper with one hand, still looking into her eyes. Then I pull them down, following them myself, loving that I'm still fully clothed, loving the power I feel. Her hands go to my hair as she waits for me, and I slide off her panties, groaning at the smell of her arousal. I kiss my way down her hard, flat stomach, dipping my tongue in her bellybutton on the way. When I reach her centre, I'm suddenly really glad that I don't need to breathe, because I'm sure she would have taken my breath away.
I always knew she wasn't that innocent.
I've never seen anyone so wet. I lightly brush her with my tongue, and she bucks up against me, trying to get more pressure, which I stop myself giving her. I tease her, holding out for as long as I can, until the need is too strong, and I push my lips against her clit suddenly, causing her to yell out into the room. I suck her gently, running my lips and teeth over it, and then when she starts to beg me and push my head further towards her, I push my tongue inside her, tasting and devouring her sweetness. She thrusts wildly against me, ramming my face into her, groaning out my name in shuddered gasps. I run my tongue back up to her clit, and push a finger into her tight passage, sliding it in and out easily with her wetness, I add another. As I fell her walls start to clench, I add one more finger, making her cry out into the room. I move back up her body and cover her mouth with my own. She bucks into me frantically, and I'm moving against her myself, matching her rhythm easily. As I feel her walls clench around my fingers, I stop.
"Open your eyes." I tell her. "Look at me."
She forces her eyes open and I curl my fingers inside her, and slam them into her, and she climaxes, screaming my name.
She slumps down as I pull out of her, and I gather her into my arms. Beautiful. I kiss her gently, all thoughts of hurting her or having power over her momentarily forgotten. She opens her eyes and kisses me back. Then she grins again. A grin that once more fills me with desire. Then she gets up and pulls me over to the bed and kisses me deeply.
As B sleeps with an arm draped around my waist, I light up a cigarette that I found in the redhead's bag, cause what the hell, might as well complete the badass image right? My free hand wanders to B's hair, and strokes it. All I ever wanted was to be near her, and tonight I felt such anger towards her, anger for making me feel bad, anger for making me love her. I don't even know if I CAN love anymore. Making it right between us was something that I only dreamed of, and as for her loving me... I don't know if I'm nearer or further to it. Angel said he couldn't love as Angelus, but Spike said he loved Dru. I don't know what's going to happen, and I don't even know what I feel anymore. It's Buffy, but it's not. It's me, but it's not. It's us. Whatever that is.
She shifts slightly, moans, and hugs me closer. She looks so innocent. She'd be damn happy about that if she knew, I'm sure. But I can't help but smile. I stub out my cigarette and allow myself to move closer to her.
I don't know what this is that I feel, and I don't know if she does either.
But we're going to live forever. I'm not in any rush to find out.
"Bring her to me." Buffy purred.
I dragged the girl towards her, her screams muffled by my hand around her throat cutting off the air that she so desperately needed. I was still fascinated by oxygen, and how I didn't need it. I would put my head underwater in the bath, looking at the ceiling, just to stop myself breathing. Proving to myself that I wasn't human. That I was a monster.
Buffy sat up on the bed, her face morphing. She grabbed the girl, and sunk her teeth into her neck, her eyes locking with mine. Blood spilled everywhere, running down my lover's chin, onto the sheets. Hot, human blood, the thing we had given up breathing for.
"Want some?"
I sat down next to her, and took the girl's neck between my lips, gulping down her life. Buffy's hands wrapped themselves around my waist, and she put her lips to my own neck, mimicking my actions. As the girl slipped form my arms, Buffy slammed me onto my back, and drank the blood that I had saved for her in my mouth.
And that's how we lived out our lives, if you can call them that. Over the next few weeks we killed, ate, slept and fucked. We planned our rise in the world, how we would fight our way to the top, but we did little to further this dream. We were hungry so we killed and we slept because to stop devouring each other. With all of this, there was little time left for world domination.
And there was nothing she wouldn't give me, nothing I could want that she wouldn't provide, except what I had craved from the first moment I saw her.
She never gave me her love.
So I killed, I raged against the feeling I had in my gut, the need for affection. And still I did not know why. I am a monster. I do not have a soul, and yet as time passed, the feeling got stronger, and unable to rid myself of the torment, I tried to give the darkness in me full reign.
None of this seemed to bother Buffy. She seemed to have no need for love. In life, she had been the caring one, in death she rebelled against it all. I stopped myself so many times for beating her unconscious, I couldn't stop the desire to hurt her, but she didn't seem to care. In my confusion, I lashed out at her, at the source of my pain, at the source of my world.
And I realised that it was the same thing I had done when we were alive. If I could not make her love me, I would make her hate me.
I slipped out later that night, a few hours before the sun was to rise and Buffy was sleeping after another violent sex session. I wasn't hunting, so I avoided all the usual populated places. I went to the woods and wandered.
My body wouldn't relax, and it wasn't from physical frustration. I had so much power, and yet she took it all from me with one glance. I hated this. I wanted control again, I wanted to stop caring, but I couldn't. I was so close to her, closer than ever, but she was still so far away. What's the point in loving when you're not loved back?
I wasn't out to hunt, but some stupid boy had wandered into my path. He stopped when he saw me, smiling slightly. Fool. Guys have always done that, seen me and wanted me, not realising that I am a monster, and always have been.
"Shouldn't be out here on your own." He says, still grinning slightly. I nod and smiled coyly at him. He walks towards me, taking it as an invitation. "Dangerous place."
I look up at him, anger overtaking me once more. Kill. It's what I'm supposed to do. My face turns vamp, and he just about shits himself. "You've no idea just how dangerous." I say as I grab his neck and throw him against a tree. "No idea."
I walk over to him and kick him in the ribs. But I stop as he whimpers, and I bend down and snap his neck.
Why? Because I'm evil, I tell myself.
And then I turn, and walk home.
I walk into the room and Buffy pounces on me.
"Where were you?" She growls, wrestling me to the floor. I can tell by the look on her face that she's turned on.
"Walking." I gasp, as her hands find my breasts.
"I got lonely. I had to start myself." She whines, By the smell on her fingers, it's obvious she's not lying.
I push her up and carry her over to the bed. I put her down gently, and stretch out next to her. My hand goes to her hair, running through it, feeling its texture, marveling at its softness. She looks at me, confused.
"What-"
"Shhh." I say, kissing her softly. "Let me do this."
Buffy's mouth contorts into a smirk, but she humours me anyway. I stroke her, slowly removing the little clothing she has on, taking in her beauty. I take her there gently, kissing her mouth, her neck, watching her all the while, and as she gasps out my name, I get an unmistakeable feeling in my gut. The feeling of love. I take a deep breath as I realise I suddenly need it. Or do I just think I should?
As she stops moving, she looks at me softly and I honestly believe I see love in those eyes. I hate myself for ever causing her pain. I don't ever want to hurt her again. It's out before I can stop myself. "I love you." I whisper.
She looks at me with a shocked expression on her face, and then she giggles. "We're vampires." She says. Duh.
She rolls towards me. "Your turn." She grins. I push her away, but she keeps coming back. "I love you too?" She says, mocking me. I get up, tears forming in my eyes. Maybe I am just a fool.
I need to get away from this, but where would I go? It's only me and Buffy, and I could never leave her.
"What do you want?" She asks, exasperated.
I want to lie down with her, and for her to take me in her arms and tell me everything will be OK. I want us to stop hurting each other. I want to understand why I feel this way when I know I shouldn't, I want her to love me.
"Nothing." I say.
She sighs and rolls onto her back again. "Come here." She tells me.
I hesitate, but she holds out her hand, and I walk towards her. Hope is a stupid thing. She pulls me towards her. "We can't love." She says, like I'm a child and I don't already know this. "We don't have souls." She places my hand on her chest. "Feel that?"
"What?" I ask.
"My heart not beating."
I pull away from her, waiting for the anger that never comes. "Spike and Dru?"
"Obsession." She says simply. "Angel couldn't love, neither can we."
I'm about to answer when the door busts open and the entire Scooby gang enter the room behind one young girl.
"What the fuck?" I shout.
The girl steps forward, a stake in her hand. "I'm the slayer." She says simply.
The Slayer. Of course. Guess the council weren't gonna waste any time with two vamped ex vampire slayers teaming up. This chick is taller than me, and obviously taller than B, thin, toned, black hair... maybe a hint of a Spanish background? Not important really. Gonna be dead soon.
Buffy stands up, completely naked. I've pulled on my boxers and shirt again, in record time. Now there's a change. I'm shy and B's not? Weird. I try to focus on what's happening, stupidly finding it hard to take my eyes off B. Luckily, it seems that everyone else is having the same problem.
I get up and step in front of her, hissing at her to get dressed, breaking the spell of her body. I fix my eyes on this new slayer. I hear B giggle and she pulls on some clothes. She steps up next to me. Now it's us against the world. Wasn't that what I always wanted?
The slayer moves first, rushing at B. Spike comes at me, and I know he's got a personal score to settle.
"What's up, Spike?" I say, blocking a punch. "Miffed that I got there first?"
He howls at me, throwing another punch at my head, which I block again, easily. I kick him in the stomach and he flies out the door. Even I have to be impressed at my strength, I don't even have my boots on. Red and her blonde girl are chanting something in the corner, but I notice Xander, Giles and Anya moving in on B, so I run over to help. I end up with the slayer.
She might be young, but she's strong. I wonder to myself if she'll have what it takes as I dodge her kicks. I guess fighting us isn't really a fair test. She lunges at me and I side step. She's young all right. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Red and blondie move in, the energy between them almost visible, and I steer the fight over so I'm next to B again.
My girl is breathing heavily, eyeing the cross that her ex-watcher is holding up at her. I stand slightly in front of her protectively as the two witches close in.
I don't understand what they're saying, I never was one for languages, but I don't like it. I lash out at them, and am amazed by Red's strength as she flicks a hand at me and I fall to the ground. It feels like a punch to the jaw. I struggle to my feet as she moves closer to B, who is looking amused. I wonder briefly if Red can kill her, this vampire that used to be her best friend. Her eyes focus on B, and I take the opportunity to strike. I sweep blondie's legs, and the energy that had built up between the witches vanishes.
"Go." I say to B, who nods and backs away, covering me from everyone, but Red.
Our eyes lock. Me and Red, we always had issues, mostly about B.
"Finally got the power you wanted?" I hiss at her. She smiles slightly, full of confidence that I've never seen in her before.
"This time we're equals." She says.
I don't know why, but everyone backs away from us at that point. I'm reminded of fights in the playground, two kids circling each other and the rest of the school watching, choosing their sides and baying for blood.
She chants something, and I duck automatically. I'm not sure how to fight a witch, but nothing happens, so I guess I'm doing something right. I lunge at her, catching her face with my fist, and she backs off before shouting something out, and I feel like I'm being kicked in the stomach. Tara calls something to her, and she looks away for a split second. That's all I need.
I grab her neck and pull her towards me. "I don't need a knife this time." I growl. Power.
B is holding the rest of them off me, a look of glee on her face. She grins at me and motions towards Red's neck. I know what she wants me to do. She wants me to vamp her. No fucking way.
I stare at the witch, who has a look on her face that is something between terror and disgust, and I hate her more than ever.
"Do it." I hear B say.
I'm about to snap her neck when I hear Tara whimper behind me. I glance at her and she has this expression of absolute fear, not for me, but for her girlfriend. Love, devotion, the kind of look that says `take me instead'. It's the same look I'd give if B was the one in danger. I turn my gaze back to Willow and I hesitate. Love. Devotion. It shouldn't mean anything to me.
But it does.
I howl and gasp in air that I shouldn't need, and that's when Spike leaps on me, somehow getting past B's careful watch. I throw him off me, grab B's hand and run.
We're out the door in seconds, running as fast as is possible until we find ourselves nearing my old apartment. I drag us in and slam the door.
"What the fuck was that?!" B screams at me. I push past her and head to the bathroom, turning on taps and filling the sink.
"What?!" She yells again.
I don't respond. I'm panicking too much for that. Instead, I put my face under the water and stop breathing.
`I'm a monster. I'm a monster. I'm a monster.' I repeat to myself, praying as usual, for the easy way out.
The next thing I feel is B's hands grabbing my hair and pulling my head out of the water. She throws me against the wall and I'm sure she's about to hit me, but she just screams instead.
"What the fuck?!" She yells.
I just sink to the floor and put my head in my hands. "I don't know."
"Faith..." She walks towards me and crouches down, trying to keep a lid on her temper. "What... happened...?"
I raise my eyes to hers and am scared of what I find there. Nothing. "I heard Tara. I saw the look on her face and I recognised it."
"What look?" She manages to get out, her voice full of disgust.
"The same look I give to you. It's called love."
"You- cannot- love. Love is stupid! We can't, it's what makes us different from humans!"
"Don't tell me what I can and cannot do." I say, my own voice raising with anger. "You don't know me. You never took the Goddamn time to find out!"
"Don't give me that crap!" She yells back. "You were a fucking psycho!"
"Yeah, that's right B!" I scream, pushing her away and getting up. "I didn't need to be a fucking vampire to be a killer!" She looks at me and stands up.
I shake my head. "This is like one big deja vu for me, B." I say. Try explaining something like this to someone who doesn't want to understand, when you don't even get it yourself. Man, so much for the easy way, huh? "I've been here before, B. I've killed, I've tortured, I've fucked with people's heads, and I didn't need to lose my soul to do it." She looking at me with absolutely no expression on her face, so I decide to carry on, at least she's stopped screaming.
"Angel thinks having a soul automatically makes him a good guy." I say, looking for any change of expression. I find none. "I know it doesn't. I've been there. It's all a choice, B. I killed with a soul, and I can love without one."
"And you think I'm the same?"
"Why not?"
She grins and moves closer to me. "You think I can love you?" She purrs. "That I'm just holding it in?"
I nod slightly, not trusting the look on her face.
"You think I turned you because I love you?" She brushes my hair away from my face and licks her lips. I get a familiar warm feeling, and I'm not just talking about in my stomach. "You think this is more than just fucking?"
<"Connection? It's just skin.">
"Isn't it?" I gasp, as her lips brush against mine.
She giggles. "I love what you do to me, Faith." She purrs again. "But..." She pushes her tongue into my mouth and I fall against her, feeling the heat rising.
"But..." She pulls away and looks into my eyes. "Dead or alive, I will never love YOU." She grins at me. "Look at yourself. Why would I?"
I've been hurt before. Shit, I'm pretty much an expert on pain, but I've never felt anything like this. Hell is loving someone who doesn't love you back.
I do the only thing I know how. I hit back with the only thing that I know will still hurt her. Over him or not, she's still pissed.
"Yeah, why would you?" I whisper. "Probably still into dead- Angel."
"Whatever."
"What? He's a vamp, you're a vamp, and he still won't come back?" I growl. picking up the pace. "Still wants to help everyone, huh? But he wouldn't help you? Not worth his time?"
"Fuck you." She hisses.
"Or maybe he's got something else on his hands. Or someone."
"Shut the fuck up!"
"Maybe Cordelia?" I taunt her. "Or Darla? Substitute one skinny blonde bitch for another? Bet he was just with you to kill the fucking time until she got back!"
I don't see her fist coming until it's way too late.
[ "We hoped you'd make it."
"Yeah... guess I got lost." I reply, sitting down next to Red and the slayer.
Red grins. "You do that a lot."
"Who's that?" I point out in the desert at a woman.
"1st." Red replies.
"You know it wasn't meant to be this way? That I'm not meant to be here?" The slayer says, looking out of the woods and into the desert.
"She knows." Red says to her. "Wasn't that made clear?"
The slayer nods at turns back to me. "But you know that it's all what you make of it?"
"Yeah... I got that from the... from the..." I click my fingers trying to remember.
"Cheeeeeeese." The 1st fills in.
I nod my head. "That's right. The cheese."
"I didn't see you." Red says, looking at me.
"I hide a lot."
The three of us stand in silence, watching the 1st in the desert, watching from the trees. On the divide between light and dark.
"You know what you have to do. Or it'll keep happening, and it's wrong-" The young slayer says again, and Red cuts her off.
"She knows what she is." She smiles. "She'll choose." ]
The room comes back into focus slowly, and the first thing I feel is guilt. I might as well have fucked them all, considering how bad I feel. Dreams were something only me and B shared until now. God knows what Red was doing in a fucking slayer dream anyway. I clutch my head and sit up. "B?" I gasp through the pain.
"Yeah." She's standing by the window, looking out at the darkness. "You OK?"
"Five by five." I get up slowly and walk over to her. She doesn't flinch as I put my arms around her waist.
"They're coming." She says. "I can feel the slayer."
"I know."
We stand there and wait, arms around each other.
And then the door shatters and we get ready to fight.
The fight isn't that unusual, as far as fights go. The witches cast spells, the non-superstrength scoobies run around with crosses, and me, B, Spike and the slayer fight.
Maybe it was her luck. Maybe it was fate. Or maybe it was her crossbow that made the difference.
Ever notice how time slows down before something big happens?
Spike's latest kick to my head is aimed too high, and I duck. I throw him against a wall just in time to see B let her guard down to make some comment to Xander. Giles throws the slayer the crossbow, and she aims at B.
I make my choice. I start running just as she lets the arrow go. As it flies through the air, I dive in front of B, and I know that this is what love is. The arrow pierces my chest bang on target, and I shut my eyes, waiting to become dust.
<"Love is stupid! It's what makes us different from humans!">
The fighting stops, as everyone turns to look at me. I fall onto my back and gasp. I need the air. My heart beats once loudly in my chest, before growing fainter.
I look up to see B staring at me. "I love you." I gasp. "I always did."
"I know."
The last thing I see is her running to safety as everyone continues to stare in shock.
And then...
nothing.
It takes me while to recognise my surroundings. I find my pulse. Yup, still there.
The door opens and I'm kinda surprised to see the two guys in suits. They cuff me and take me outside. I get into the van and see the old council guy. Haven't we covered this? I wonder.
"Buffy Summers is dead."
I knew that. My blood starts to run cold. I know this. I've done this!
I stop listening to him trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. We get to the magic shop and I don't listen to them either. Giles takes me into the back room and slaps me, and I start to cry.
"I'm sorry." I say, but not to him. "I can't do this."
"Yes you can."
<["You know what you have to do. Or it'll keep happening, and it's wrong."]>
What the fuck is going on?!
I get out of the shop, and I find that I already know where I'm going, I stop when I get to the cemetery and I find some vamps. I fight them, working up my blood, trying to find the will. when she steps out of the shadows.
<"This is like one big deja vu for me.">
Yeah, I got that fucking right. I look at her and I know what I'm supposed to do.
<"Vampire. Slayer. Dead vampire.">
Yeah, I'm the slayer, and I've fucked up the world by not acting like one. It wasn't meant to be this way. I'm supposed to kill her to make it right.
But I'm sure I've mentioned before that I'm not a hero. I drop my stake and give her my life because it's what she wants me to do.
I guess it's not just the council and the Scoobies that don't know me, I think as her teeth sink into my neck. The Powers That Be don't have a fucking clue either. I'll keep making this choice, I'll give in to her every time, because even if she'll never love me, I'll never stop.
So I drink and her blood flows into my mouth once more.
<"I'd rather be in hell with her than in heaven alone.">
I guess I got my fucking wish.