Home Again
by Pebblin
Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: All hail Joss'nem (UPN, etc.). I own nothing. No profit.
Spoilers: Up through 'After Life' of season six.
Author's Notes: There were two endings to this story. This is the one I like best of late. If you want to see the other one, lemme know. We can work somethin' out.
Dedication: To Miss K, who tested this out and called me a 'little sausage' (two different instances). Took me long enough, eh? And to Shamrock, for the light blue font. ;)
Feedback: Gimme.

She's standing over there, on the wall that surrounds the edge of the roof. She's just staring down. Who knows what she's seeing, and I don't just mean roofs, trees and streets.

I got sent after her tonight because, for some reason, she's warmed up to me or, at least, tolerates me more than I thought she would. It's like everything we went through… None of it matters anymore. Not now. Not after she came back. Whatever went on where she was makes our 'little fights' no comparison.

Some deep part of me is actually grateful for that, and the guilt for that sucks ass, but I'm glad I feel it. Most of me, though, wishes that she hadn't had to go through whatever it was that made what I did to her, her friends and her mother seem like some barely-there ghost that could be tossed aside as if it were no more dangerous than Cordy's friend Dennis now was.

She has to know I'm here. I didn't try to hide myself from her when I came up here; the gravel beneath my boots kinda made it hard to be all that quiet, anyway.

"B?"

She doesn't turn around. I move a little closer.

"B, what're you doin' up there?"

Still nothing.

Closer.

"The others are worried about you, ya know."

For minute, there, I didn't think she was going to answer me, until:

"So, they sent you, huh? The wolf in sheep's clothing to look after the shepherd?" She laughs a little. And it's cold, colder than any sound I think I've heard her make.

It hits me, high in the chest, that remark. But, it misses the heart, so I'm okay.

"Yeah. Funny, huh? I know I didn't get it."

And, I really don't.

Twenty minutes ago, B flipped out in the Magic Shop, on Giles and the Scoobies, but for some whacked-out reason, she didn't say a word to me. That's why I'm here. Weird, huh?

"They don't, either," she tells me.

I narrow my eyes at her and edge a bit closer, this time moving off to the side a little, hoping to get a look at her face.

"Mind explaining what went on down there?"

I'd been in the back, letting off steam, when it all went down. I'd been getting kicked in the teeth by the rest of the Holier Than Thou Coalition and had had enough. It was just me and the sounds of my fists against the punching bag one minute, and the next, B's throwing a fit.

*****

By the time I get out there, everyone's got this look like they've all just been slapped, Slayer-style.

"She came back here because *she* wanted to and she's trying really hard. She wants to move past everything that’s happened, but you won't let her. You're just dwelling in the past, but it's *over*. Why can't you let it rest?"

Surprise mixed in with the shock.

"But, Buffy-- "

Willow was cut off with one look. "No, Willow. It's over. It's been over. You can't just keep resurrecting it like that if you want there to be peace-- just let it go."

Buffy went from pissed-off to pleading in the blink of an eye.

"Ya know, sometimes around here, things are okay. Fine. Life's going on in the now-- but, then something's lost, and someone has to bring it back, the pain and the memory of it all and I'm just so sick of it! Why can't you just leave it where it is-- behind us, where it belongs?" The next part comes out in a whisper. "Dead."

And then she stormed out, gone.

We just stood there for a moment. I wanted to laugh, to point fingers at them all-- well, not Dawn; she's never been that bad to me-- because she went off on them because of me, *for* me, but something… There was just something I couldn't put my finger on. Something was wrong and it wasn't that she was defending me, a traitor, against her loyal friends. It was *how*. Some of that just didn't sound right.

"I," Giles started, clearing his throat and looking down at the ground. "Well."

Yeah, he had nothin'. Just like the rest of 'em. Nothin' to say.

Xander nodded. "I think I speak for us all when I say '*ow*'."

Well, not all of us, X-Man, I muttered in my head as I stared at the door B had just gone out of, slamming it behind her.

"Someone… Someone should go after her," Willow suggested, but she didn't look like she was in any hurry to rush after the first Slayer.

"Yeah," Tara agreed, but she looked as willing as Red did.

"Um." Everyone turned around to stare at me with varying looks in their eyes. Either they're fucked-off at me for being the reason they got chewed out-- or they're thinking that it'd be a good idea for me to be the one to go, seeing as how they were already in agreement that *someone* should go. Who else but me, the one Buffy had just stood up for?

But, then again, what if I went out there and further corrupted her against them all?! Muah ha ha!

"I could… I mean, I could…" I made a hand gesture.

They squinted at me.

"Okay. I can't say that didn't just gimme the fuzzies or anything, but I'm not gonna do the backstab thing. Kinda…lost my taste for it." Well, not completely, but…

It took a long awkward moment before I got the go-ahead.

"I think that would be best," Giles agreed.

With a nod, I headed back inside for the shirt I'd pulled off before I started working out, and my jacket.

*****

And, now, here I am.

I don't know where any of that came from. I mean, it wasn't the first time that I'd been used as a whipping girl or anything with B there to witness it, but for some reason, it got her really ticked off this time. For as long as I've been back, hardly anything at all has been able do that.

I stuff my hands into my pockets.

"You gonna tell me why you came to my rescue like that? Especially when you have the biggest complaint against me?" And especially since you haven't been really gotten pissed off at anything as far as I've seen, in a long-ass time?

"You heard enough. You know why."

Her voice sounds far away, like she doesn't care-- like there's something else she'd rather being doing right now, but can't. She's been sounding like that a lot, more and more.

"Actually, B…" I saunter a bit closer. "If I knew that, I wouldn't be asking."

"Actually, *F*, I think you like asking questions you already know the answers to, just to hear the other person answer you in a way you can use against them later."

I'm still moving as she speaks and now that I'm close enough, I see that she isn't looking out across the world but down at the concrete below us. Six stories down; enough to kill her if she jumped-- or, if I pushed her, which she doesn't seem too worried about even though I'm only a few steps away.

"True enough," I admit. "It's kinda fun, actually."

B nods slowly, just once. "Yeah," she whispers. "Fun."

She says that like she knows what it is, but has never had it. Like a born prisoner that wants freedom, a poor person that wants money, or…Or swimming all your life and wanting to walk on land, like that chick Ariel.

Yeah. I saw that movie. Big fucking deal. I was, like, nine.

"So, what're you doin' way up here?"

"I like the view."

I don't like the chill that sends down my spine and I don't know what possesses me to say, "You could get a better look if you were down there, ya know. Actually *on* the street-- "

When her eyes snatch towards mine, and this look comes over her face, like she's just been caught, I stop cold, frowning. What the hell is up with that fucking look?

I keep seeing it or others like it. I don't understand it. What the hell is going on? I keep wondering that and I never get an answer.

"I don't get you."

She blinks and that look fades a little, but it doesn't disappear.

"You have everything. *Everything*. But, you walk around every day like it's some fucking struggle, like you're not even glad to be back with your friends and family-- back to *life*. You have *every* base covered. Do you even realize how fucking lucky you are?! I barely know anyone who'd actually mourn me after I was gone, let alone raise me from the fucking dead-- from *Hell*-- and you don't seem the least bit happy about it."

And, then, everything sort of just…falls. On her face, I mean. A whole new expression has been born. It's… It's sadness and tiredness. It's not 'Yeah. You're right, okay? You're right.'

It's a 'you just don't know' look.

And when I said Hell, she winced. Not in the 'don't ever mention that place, because I don't want to ever go back, let alone think about it' kinda way, but in the 'that's not it at all' type way.

And then, it hits me.

Hard.

It connects with the heart this time, and I'm… I'm blown away. If that'd been a punch or a kick, I'd have probably been lifted off my feet into the air with the force of impact. But, instead, I'm just standing here trying to catch my breath.

She's been lying. This whole fucking time.

That's what it is-- she was lying! She's never been really good at that. Well, there was that time with her and me and Angel at his mansion when they pulled one over on me to get the heads up on the Ascension, but there are exceptions.

But, still… Something usually gives it away, something… Her 'I just can't hardly give a fuck' vibe was what it was this time, only we just had no idea where it had come from and that's why she had the upper hand, why no one knew.

They were all *sure* she'd wound up 'down there' after diving into that portal, that her soul had been sucked inside, the PTB or whoever else no longer having any claim on it after her sacrifice.

They never thought for a second that she'd be sent 'up there'. Or, at least, Willow, who wanted to cast the spell to bring B back, never did. Giles, though… I know that even though he's fucking glad B's back, he knows that what Willow did was wrong, that the magic Red used was too powerful and that she was totally lucky that it didn't backfire. He isn't totally sure that it *didn't*, though. He has his doubts. Until now, I didn't know that they should include *this*.

I'm standing right next to her without remembering how I got there, but I'm still looking up into her eyes, which seems like a constant that's been goin' on for more than just a couple of minutes.

Then, she can't look at me anymore; she knows she's caught. She stares down at the ground again, probably seeing what she saw from up on that tower that Glory had her ugly mo-fo followers build-- which had collapsed the night B came back.

The arguments she made for me earlier flood back…

'...You're just dwelling in the past, but it's *over*. Why can't you let it rest?'

'It's over. It's been over. You can't just keep resurrecting it like that if you want there to be peace-- just let it go.'

'But, then something's lost, and someone has to bring it back, the pain and the memory of it all and I'm just so sick of it! Why can't you just leave it where it is-- behind us, where it belongs?'

Whispered: 'Dead.'

"You weren't really talking about me. You were talking about *you*."

Oh, God. Please, B. Buffy. Tell me I'm wrong! I really need you to do that for me now.

"You made it, didn't you?" I ask so softly, I barely hear myself.

She starts to go stiff.

"You found it."

Tears begin to well up in her eyes.

"You… You were done. Finished." I stumble over the next words, like I'm choking on them. "At peace. And… And they stole that from you. Your friends did."

Even though they did it in your best interests, only trying to look out for you, you resent them, and back at the shop, you just couldn't hold it in any longer-- not *all* of it. And here I am, rubbing it in, aren't I?

I want to tell her I'm sorry, but it could never be enough. If I couldn't apologize before for what *I'd* put them all through-- because she told me she'd kill me if I did, which I don't think she'd even care to do anymore-- then there sure as hell isn't a way I could do it now. And, plus, I'm not the one that did this to her. As far as her being brought back was concerned, I'm… I'm kinda like… Innocent. It's weird, feeling that. Almost like a first time or something.

But I get over that quick-like-- this is about her, not me.

And it occurs to me that if someone else were here, they'd be trying to, like, comfort her or something. That's so not my bag. I mean, she means a hell of a lot to me and I'd give anything to be able to do it, but there's no way I can make this better for her. Not *me*.

So, I just stand there.

She laughs a little and wipes at her eyes. "You know, if you were anyone else, you'd be trying to make me feel better."

Déjà vu, man. "Yeah, well…" I shrug. "Sorry."

"Well, except Spike. He kinda just…stood there, too, like you."

I blink. Wait. Spike knows? *Spike*? "When did you tell *him*?" WHY did you tell him?

"Right after. He was the only one…till now."

Doesn't this just suck ass. Second place again, Faith. Why do I always have to show up so fucking late?

"You weren't here," I hear her say and look up-- I didn't even know that I had looked down-- and see her staring at me.

"Don't tell me they taught you Jedi mind tricks over there…" I try to smile, but it doesn't really work-- and that joke was fucked up, I know.

"Could see it in your face. You don't have to be jealous of him."

First thing, why is she trying to make *me* feel better? And second, why the hell *wouldn't* I be jealous? I mean, hello-- isn't that most of the reason I wound up in prison? Jealousy and I seem to go *really* fucking good together. Like 'leather' and 'jacket', 'kick' and 'ass'…like her and me, if she'd only see it, but that's not what this is about right now…

"I'm serious."

"Why'd you even tell him?" Why not Giles, the father you never had? Your girl Willow, who yanked you back, thinking she was doing you a favor and patting herself on the back in private, just to shut her the fuck up on how such a good idea it was to try something G-man wouldn't even go for, even with how much you mean to him?

"Because I could, because I needed to. He was the only one… The only one who wasn't expecting me to be all fine and dandy, to just be 'okay' and it wasn't like he was going to tell anyone else. I mean, I was dead for three months-- don't I have the right to be a little…off?"

I shrug. "Seems fair. I was only in a coma and I went psycho. All things considered, I think you're doing pretty well, B." I nod my head a couple of time and I get this Tara-esque feeling. Don't ask me to explain that.

She snickers at me and that turns into something that distinctly sounds like a laugh, which then turns into something that could *definitely* be mistaken for a laugh, and a big one, too. "That makes me feel better, I think."

I smile, happy and surprised. "Good. You need more of that."

She nods. "Yeah. I could use lots more good."

"Well. How about a mocha? Those are of the good. Wild night of slayage? That's always of the good. Or, a-- "

"You don't have to do that, Faith."

"What?"

"Try to make me feel better. It's not like it's your job or anything."

Kinda wishing it was. "Can't a girl even try if she wants to?"

She shakes her head, her smile fading, as she steps down back onto the roof. "You don't have to try."

Okay, now I'm getting offended, despite it all. I come up here to see if she's okay and she's telling me not to bother? That, what-- I'm incapable? Well, I know I am, but she doesn't have to fucking shove my nose in it…even if I'd deserve it.

I know I'm frowning as she steps up right in front of me and looks into my eyes and I really don't care.

"You're doing enough just being here."

Huh?

"You're not expecting me to be okay."

"Well…" Should she be? Whether she died for the second time or not, not half an hour ago, she blew up at her friends and wound up here, on top of a building I could say with pretty good accuracy neither of us have actually been inside of, staring down at the sidewalk as if she *wanted* it.

"You don't keep asking me how I am or if I need something."

Mostly 'cause I thought you'd just say no if not just throw it back in my face.

"Unlike before." Like back when I was riding her all the time to find the fun and to let herself get a little down and dirty, a little more like me. "It's all strictly no pressure, no expectations. I appreciate that."

"Not like I can make demands, right, B? I mean, my whole turning to evil thing kinda ruled that out."

She smiles. "True… But, you do have a way of pushing your luck and I'm really enjoying the restraint."

Despite that curve of her lips, I frown a little. "You pat my head next, B, it's gonna be a fight on your hands, I don't care what. I *am* able to realize that you were… gone for a while and you might need some space, okay? I was heartless before, I know, but that's changed. I don't need to be congratulated for acting like I'm balanced."

She grins, now, and I'm getting seriously pissed. What the hell?!

"Oh, this is funny?"

She shakes her head. "No. This is just what I need."

"What-- am I fucking amusement for you or something?!"

"No." She reaches over and puts her hands on my arms and I know she can feel me shaking. "Not amusing. Needed," she corrects me. "Familiar. Comforting."

I arch an eyebrow. Okay, now that makes *two* of the unbalanced on this roof.

"The others, they walk around me like I'll shatter with a raised voice. *You* just threatened to kick my ass and… And, well, nothing's sounded quite that appealing to me in a long time." Her eyes soften suddenly and I can't breathe. "Thanks." It was just a breath of air that came out of her mouth when she said that, a breath that I could feel tickling against my lips as she leaned close.

Christ, what's she doing to me?

We touch. Mouth to mouth, her soft to mine, and I jump a little. I don't want her to do this. I have no room to ask for or expect anything, but I know I don't want pity or just some spur of the moment gratitude thing from her. If she starts, I won't want it to end, ever, so I pull away before anything can really begin.

Besides, it's not like either of us is even up for it, really-- not emotionally.

"Stop," I whisper, turning my face away.

"I-- I'm sorry." She lets me go and pulls back and I miss her so much already.

"Don't be. It's just all this…Um. Full moon." That was so fucking lame, I have to clear my throat. "You don't have to thank me like that. It's okay."

"But, I wanted to-- "

"I don't want gratitude, B. Not that kind." As good as it could feel, it'd be empty; I should know. "And not from you." She looks hurt, like I slapped her…or rejected her. "That's not how I meant it," I tell her quickly. "I-- I *want*, I do…" God! How do I tell her this?! "Just not…for that, okay? Not a thank you, but…" I stop for a second, searching for words that won't come to me, and when something finally *does* slip out of my mouth, I send a silent prayer to whoever it was that had been watching my back. "A welcome," I finally get out.

She stares at me for a long moment and my stomach churns and my hands shake, but I don't look away.

"But, I do want this," she whispers.

I think it's just the air playing tricks on me up here, but I was reading her lips the whole time, so I *know* she said that.

"No, B." I shake my head, wave my arms in front of me and step back. "Don't go all 'you know my pain' on me, okay? This will *not* turn into a sympathy thing, which is exactly what it'll be. I don't think you're ready to decide on something like this, not this soon and not with *me*."

The openness of her eyes shut down in front of me and I know I've said something wrong. I also know what I did.

Here she is telling me how I treat her something like I used to, only with better manners, I guess, and now here I am, treating her like she'll snap at anytime like everyone else, thinking she doesn't know her own mind yet and can't make any decisions outside of slaying, taking care of Dawn and…well, slaying.

"B, I'm sorry, but I'm not about to take advantage of you."

"That's not what it would be."

"That's *exactly* how everyone else will see it! That I, the socio-slut that I am, took what I wanted from you when you were vulnerable and I don't need that, B! What I came back here for is too fucking important for that!"

"What did you come back here for?" Her voice is soft, distant.

"Redemption," I tell her, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, but I really wanted to shout, 'You!' "I can't shake that." Can't shake *you*. "I can't ruin my chance." Or you. "And I won't. I *won't*." If I'm only just learning how to forgive myself for everything I've already done, there is *no* way that I'll forgive myself for that.

There's silence between us but all around us, there's still the city, and the sounds from down there travel up to us, sounding hollow. And I start to wonder when all of this started to become partly about me when, whether I like it or not, it's all about her.

"I can make them believe otherwise," she tells me, outright throwing her power around. Even if it warms something up in me, it makes something else go cold.

"Don't do that. Not for me."

"Isn't that what you want? What you've always wanted? To be put first for once?"

Yes! But… "Not like this."

"Yes, like this." She nods in a way that says no one can tell her that she's not right. "I feel it, Faith. When I was…over there, it came to me, just one of a whole lot of things. I knew that my friends and family were okay and then… I knew about you, how you felt…how *much*. I couldn't see it before, because too many things clouded my sight, but there, I could see everything for what it was. I know exactly how you feel about me."

I want to glance down at my hands to see if they were red. I felt like I'd just taken a sledgehammer to the gut, courtesy of Thor, himself. Cold sweat starts to trickle down my back. I look caught and ready to run and that's probably why she grabs my wrist: so that I wouldn't.

"It's okay," she tells me, like it really ever can be. We're Slayers, girls…enemies. Too many things stand in the way.

"B." I shake me head. "Please." Don't. Stop. Cease and fuckin' desist.

Her hand slides down to mine and squeezes. "I know what I want."

God, how did this happen?! I was just checking up on her-- make it stop! I can't… I just can't.

Her fingers twist in with mine and I can't catch my breath or stop fucking *shaking*. "Do you know what I want?"

I can't speak to answer.

She steps so close that she's almost wearing my jacket with me.

"I want to finally admit what *I* feel. I want it to be as clear here as it was there." She stops for a second, looking into my eyes and I gulp. "There is nothing hard or violent about this, and I don't mind that it's bright," she finishes, and the way she says that last bit, *what* she said, makes me want to remember it especially, because there's some meaning to it that I'm going to ask about someday.

She rests her forehead against my cheek. "You're something to me, Faith, a whole lot…and I'm not letting that go, no matter what."

Wasn't exactly an 'I love you', but I couldn't complain. "You sure?"

"I sound like I'm sure, don't I?" Her voice is almost playful.

"Maybe my ears are playing tricks on me."

She looks up at me. "Then, trust your lips."

My eyebrows barely have time to rise before she's kissing me again and this time, I'm kissing her back. It's everything I ever dreamed and everything I couldn't.

It's over too soon and I'm left empty, yet full of doubt. I believe her now, but how are things going to be between us after we leave this roof? What will her friends, Watcher and sister think? Will Red pull a black-eyes routine and kill me, send me somewhere unpleasant or erase my mind or something?

What? So, I watch TV and it gives me ideas… Not like they couldn't happen, right?

But…at the same time, any of it would be worth it-- *any* of it. So, I don't worry about those small consequences and instead focus on the possible rewards.

"Can I walk you home?"

She gives me a little smirk. "Your place or mine?"

Heat rips through me so fast and hard that I forget how to speak, breathe or blink normally for a second. "Don't do that to me, B. I meant yours. Whatever is happening between us, it's gonna get a chance to grow, no rushing." I touch her face, brushing windblown hair out of her eyes. "We both need that."

"Okay," she agrees with a soft nod, her cheek now brushing against the back of my knuckles. "Too soon for a hug, though?"

"Don't make me smack you, now," I warn, but I pull her close, almost tugging her into me, though there wasn't far at all she had to go-- she just had to put her arms around me.

If what she was forced to leave behind had anything at all on what I was feeling just then, I just *had* to make it there someday, hell be damned, and I was gonna spend the rest of my life buying myself a ticket. But for now, I already had some of it, my heaven or whatever, right here on earth, right here in my arms and I was also gonna make damned sure that one day, she felt the same about me.

...Read the alternative ending...

The End