Chase This Night
by Poet
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Yeah I'm poor, I own nothing. Don't sue me.
Spoilers: Yup, and lots of it. But lets stop at Angel episode 5x5.
Author's Note: VIRGIN!!!! Please be gentle with me…
It's cold, so cold I feel it to the marrow, and the tears feel like ice on my face. I always remember this place being lit with warm lights and candles. But now, with just the pale and desolate streetlight pouring through the shattered window, everything is blue. And this light hides impossible things. It shows me awful things… things that I've done, what I could have been. It all plays on the wall. Flashing like some macabre and silent home movie. And it's always the same damn flick.
Why am I here… again? Why can't I just let it go? This town, this apartment, this girl. This is just a dream. I know this, so why can't I wake the fuck up?! The shadows move through this space like slow oil, dripping down the walls, spilling over me and it's like I'm drowning. But that's not how I die.
I'm sitting on the bed, in my old apartment that the mayor gave me. And old Dickey himself is sitting in the corner with that smile on his face. The one I used to love, the one I would do anything to see. It says 'I'm proud of this little pawn, I think I'll keep her for a while.'
I hate that smile now. It reminds me that that's all I ever was to him, to everyone. A pawn, a tool, a pet whatever other word that could describe being totally inconsequential. I can't fuckin' stand it. That smile. I've tried yelling at him, screamin' my hate and rage, even threw the floor lamp at him. But he still sits there with that shit eatin' grin. He's waiting. Because he knows, just as I do that door is gonna open and she's gonna walk over here and kill me. The shadows shift, I watch the wall, I just killed Allen Finch.
So this time I don't yell, I don't scream or beg. I just wait and watch. And the door opens, and she's there. Dressed in red leather and loathing. She's got my knife in her hand. It would be sexy, if I wasn't about to die… again. My eyes are burning, `cause I don't think I can stand to see the satisfaction in her face that always accompanies my last breath. She steps over the threshold and I expect her to just stride across the room and gut me like she does every night, so I can die again caught between her hate and his disappointment. But something is different this time. She pauses and looks around, as if she's surprised by the situation. The shadows shift… oil spills away.
And I know she's here… like really here. Fuck. What am I gonna do? I didn't expect this. I'm not ready to see her… to talk to her… I was ready to die again. She looks to the corner and so do I, boss man is still sittin' there, still smiling at me. She looks back to me and even in this dark, this cold, the green of her eyes is so shocking, the heat…the intensity pulls the air straight out of my lungs. And it hurts. It hurts so fuckin' bad… more than her stabbing me, and more than dying… `cause she's got tears in her eyes.
"Faith?" Her voice is like a thread, all thin and unbelieving.
"B…" I'm kinda shocked by the sound of my own voice. I'm not used to hearing it here... `cause well… usually dying right about now, but I can't let that stop me. I gotta say something, try to make all this right. I may never get another chance at it.
"You brought me here?" B whispers and it isn't all accusing like I was expecting… In fact it was kinda…hopeful? Maybe? The lights flick and I'm lying to her face.
"I-I don't know B… I'm not real sure what's goin' on here." I'm telling the truth. I finally get the balls to stand up and take a couple of steps toward her. She looks around again and her eyes hold on the mayor in the corner, then they move to the knife in her hand. Ok, getting a little worried here.
"You wanna fight me, Faith? That what this is about?" And there's the cold hard steel I was expecting. I gotta fix this, quick. Just the thought of losing this chance…
"No! B, I-I don't want that…" god I'm stuttering here. Fuck! Hold… it… together. I take a breath to calm my nerves and I see her looking and the man in the corner again. The wall flickers and I'm kissing Angelus, she's chained to the wall. She sees this too.
"It always comes back…" B says almost to herself.
"What does?" I think it's best to maybe let her run this show, I take a few more steps closer.
"Past… things I've killed… put to rest." Now she's looking at me, all that green fire, burning right through my soul.
"I tried B, tried so hard but I can't hurt him… nothin' works." I look at him and the bastard chuckles... he laughs and it's a hollow dead sound. God I was so stupid then, when I wanted his acceptance, his approval.
"No… but you hurt me, didn't have to try very hard either." But all I ever wanted was hers.
"Tell me what I can do…" I don't want to beg her, but I know I will. "B...I- I'm so sor-"
The sound of the blade slicing through the air cuts me off and I look to the corner. And he's dead… bleeding and dissolving before my eyes. My head snaps back and Buffy is suddenly, painfully close to me.
"Don't you dare. Don't you ever…" And at this moment, when the sudden venom in her voice seeps into my skin, I break. And everything is suddenly so fast so bright… it feels like I'm burning from the inside out.
"Don't what Buffy! Don't apologize?!" Why am I screaming? Why can't I stop? "You don't want to hear that it's all changed! That I sat in that cell for months and rotted for you!! That I would have given anything… everything I had for you to just understand!!"
"Understand!?" And she's shouting now too. Indignant and condemning. And it's more vicious than I could ever dream… `cause this is real now. "Understand what Faith? What did you give me? You were a goddamn tomb! Nothing could reach you…"
"Did you even try?! God B, I was dead to you long before you gutted me!"
"Yeah you were, `cause the minute you decided that the darkness that…" she looks around for a second, it's a wild angry gesture. "...that all this was worth it… you became worthless to me." And that hurts so much worse than dying. And the knife is in her hand again.
"Does it mean anything that I regret all this!! That I'm s-sorry!" I hate that my voice is breaking, that it's so hot and bright in here now… I want the cold dark again.
She looks like she can't believe I said it… that I mean it.
"I said it B! watcha ya gonna do?" I can't help but glance at the knife in her hand. She looks too, and it's as if she doesn't recognize her own hand.
"You gonna kill me now? Beat me to death?! Come on B you promised!" And I know I'm losing it, I'm right in her face now. I grab her wrist, the one with the blade and yank it towards me.
"N-no! Faith I-" She's fighting me, shaking her head but now I want it, `cause it would feel so much better than this.
"Maybe this would be easier huh B?" I jerk her arm harder. "Just like old times yeah!? Come on B! Kill me! It's easy! You do it every fuckin' night!"
"Faith, stop it! Don't do thi-"
But I pull harder, harder than she fights and it all slows down. For an instant… forever… I feel it that cool, hard blade that burns all they way down to the grip. And I hear her scream, 'No' and then my name… but I don't die. We both look down and I expect to see my life spilling over her delicate fingers, but the knife is gone and there is no pain, just those fingers griping my shirt. Everything is so still and quiet now, our harsh breaths are the only sound… and they're almost in sync.
"Faith…I can't…" And it's her voice is breaking now. Frail. Why is this happening?
I finally pull my eyes up to her face, and it's like she's looking right through me… no, it's like she's actually seeing me. I know I've never seen that look before, I don't know if I should be scared. But I don't have time to think about it because she moves so suddenly… and she's grabbing my head, her thumbs on either side of my face and pulls me towards her… and I can hardly gasp before my lips are being crushed against hers. My eyes close despite the shock, despite the violence of it because her mouth is just too soft to bear. But this kiss is hard, and I can feel her teeth and her anger and her fear pouring over me. The force of it makes me stagger back, but she follows and presses harder. And something in the air around us begins to move… to crackle and I feel her press body press against me… sink into me. And my hands are moving on their own violation, up to her face. So smooth… Into her hair. It's like silk.
A low mumble escapes and I don't know if it came from her, or me but it doesn't matter as she releases some of the pressure of her lips… and she's kissing me. Really kissing me, and the harshness is gone… and the pain is gone and all that's left is her mouth moving over mine in a hot wet slide that makes me tremble. She relaxes her grip on me and her thumbs softly stroke the sides of my face as her lips try to take… possess every part of me. I give it willingly. Her tongue glides slowly over my bottom lip and I hear another low moan and this time I know it's from me, because my whole body is shaking and her tongue just slid against mine. I can't help but dig my nails into her scalp slightly. It's so soft and warm, and I feel as if my mouth is melting into hers.
And we stay in that soft warm place for what seems like an endless moment. But it all shifts again and the gentleness fades and morphs into something new… something deep inside me starts to tighten, it's coiling like a spring. It's something hot and wild now and we're suddenly ravaging each other's mouths. It's all too much, but I still just want more and she sucking on my tongue and I'm biting her lips and the heat is rising so fast between us. She whimpers into me as my tongue glides over the roof of her mouth and I feel through my entire being and I can't help but answer her in another moan. I'm burning for her. She pulls me tighter against her body and I can feel everything… her breasts pressing into mine…god her nipples… her hips jerk a little and I don't think I can stand it. I feel my skin start to prickle and my nipples just got so fuckin' hard. I feel that down low clutch and now I have to whimper because this kiss just made me wetter than I've ever been before.
My hips buck in answer to her and suddenly there is a strong leg pressing between my thighs and my world is spinning and I hear myself cry against her mouth. It sounds desperate `cause I am. My chest suddenly feels like it's gonna explode and I have to pull away for air. My face is still in her hands as I gulp in air. She does the same and I watch her eyes flutter open… it's the darkest green. She pulls me impossibly closer and she's shaking just as much as I am… I can feel her heart beating.
"Can't kill you Faith…" It's the lowest whisper I've ever heard from her and I have to bite back a groan at the sound of it.
"Why not?" And I can't believe my own voice either.
"I'm not ready for that…" Her lips brush mine, and this time I do groan and I almost miss her final word. "Yet."
And I'm suddenly awake. And alone and in some shitty motel room bed. I bring my fingers to my lips as I pant into the darkness. They're tender and swollen and I can still taste her on my tongue. I close my eyes and I can see the whole scene playing back on my eyelids… it's just too much all over again. So I stare at the cracked and leaky ceiling above me... and I can still feel the heat of her wrapped around me… she was holding me. A box fan roars its grief in my ear and its breath is human and full of the air's ashes. Nothing moves here… not like in my dreams, and as the blackness turns to slowly to blue and gray I know I won't be sleeping again tonight… here comes the sun.
Author's Notes: Ok here's part 2. Not much too it. Going in Buffy's head for a bit. The action gets going after this one.
I wake up and I'm on fire. That's what it feels like… the heat of her skin, her body pressed against mine, it's a phantom warmth and it blankets me. The dream is flashing technicolor through my head… almost faster than I can comprehend. Every single emotion known is at war inside me and it feels like I'm being torn apart. The overwhelming disbelief, the violent rage, paralyzing fear, betrayal, remorse, hope… the lust. Christ I can still smell her hair… lavender and cigarettes and Faith. And it hits me then. She was here… or I was there… and…
Oh. My. God. I take a deep breath to keep the panic in check and move to sit at the edge of the bed. My lungs are burning… why am I crying?! When I stepped through that door, I had felt her, and I had known it wasn't just a regular dream… or nightmare, or whatever. So what does it mean? These dreams are always telling to some degree… prophecy girl here after all. But Faith… and the knife, well that was past. 'But it always comes back.' My words and her words are flying through my head and I feel that anger the rage bubbling in my chest… the outrage at her audacity… that *she* has any right to play the victim.
I feel my fists clench and I look down at my hands, only mildly surprised to find my nails digging into my palms. Another deep breath, I stand, and now I'm pacing.
"Think damn it." I mumble into the darkness. I force the tears to stop… the anger makes it easier. Why is this happening? Why can't I just let it *go*? That time when I felt so alive, when she made me feel everything and then took it all away. The nostalgia leaves a bitter taste in my mouth… It wipes away what was left of her flavor… Cherry Coke.
It's been more than eight months since I've seen her… since she went to jail. She belongs there, where she can't hurt…kill anyone else. Where she can't hurt me. So does this mean she's out now?! Christ! Trust the California legal system to set the murdering psychopaths free…
"I so don't need this now… not with everything else that's going on." So now I'm talking to myself… great! Lock me up too! It would be all I need for Faith to show up here hell bent on revenge, when I've got the mother of all baddies running a-muck, after my family.
Ok so Faith obviously brought me to that place, well I can only assume so. I certainly wasn't thinking of her before I fell asleep or anything. The girl is dead to me… hell she said it herself, and it's true… it has to be. So why…? And I remember her face then…god her eyes… she looked like she was falling… like she was hurt… broken… NO! Faith isn't any of those things… you have to possess some modicum of human emotion first. She told me she didn't care… and now she wants me to *understand*? How can I possibly understand that she has no regret for killing a human… for taking a life! And she took so much more than that too… my trust, my belief in everything that was still good in this world, my innocence, she took it and threw it in my face and she wants me to understand!! Why can't SHE understand?! Does she have any idea of what she did to me… how she made me feel… alive and free, like I finally belonged, like I wasn't some freak occurrence, like I was RIGHT. She proved it because she existed too. We were supposed to be the same. And we WERE the same, until she killed it, with a cocky smile on those painted lips and oblivion in her voice.
I stop the pacing and lean against the door. Nothing is gonna come from this ranting… except the migraine I can already feel approaching. I slide down to sit on the floor, as I wonder why I can't stop thinking about her eyes… rimmed in red and a little puffy. They looked like caverns, dark and endless. I called her a tomb. But now I realize that isn't entirely true. She was… is closed off. Hiding behind her callous indifference and sneering catch phrases, but her eyes were so telling. And I wonder else what I may have missed them say. It's all so confusing.
I despise her. I know this. I know that that's what this burning feeling is in my chest. I know that's why my throat feels so tight right now and every muscle in my body feels like ready to spring. It's hate… it's rage. It has to be. It has to be or else that kiss actually meant something. God her lips... and I can't help but raise my fingers to my own, they feel so sensitive…
I kissed her… after I killed her. De ja vu much? Heck yeah. My life has become one big broken record. But this is different Angel died, she didn't. I loved him, and I… DON'T… don't even. I HATE her. I have to `cause if I don't that would mean all this pain was my fault… that this disgust… this dirty feeling is my doing. That I was the one that took something... that I was wrong. And I'm NOT! She took it all… and I have to hate her for it. I have to so she can't ever hurt me or mine again…
I rise from the floor as the light begins to change across the room. The first inklings of soft warm and yellow light. I pull back the curtains and let my eyes roam across the still sleeping town. The still oblivious town. The people ignorant and unaware of the promises the day will bring... the forces that are at constant battle all around them. Damn I sound like Giles… feel about 20 years older too. Again I think of the one force in particular that is a bit less obscure as of late. A Big-bad of the week… and this one is gonna be a mother… and now, Faith reappears.
"I so don't need this now…" I whisper the words, but I know I'll deal. I always do. I will kill this thing that's after my sister, after my friends. I'll save this little Podunk town from another danger it isn't even aware of. And I'll deal with Faith if… when, she comes here…and I know she will. She can't surprise me anymore. And I know she she'll try to hurt me again… break me. Maybe we are alike. Because if she tries… and she will… I know I'll kill her… I'll become her. I wonder if I'm ready for that. The light finally breaks the horizon, a shocking hot burst of orange… here comes the sun.
Author's Note: In case there is any confusion on the time line of this it's all AU after the ATS ep Salvage. Faith went to jail, but for only 8 months. But Dawn is there, Riley is still hanging around and Buffy's mom is dead. Hope that helps.
Waves. The amber liquid made waves in her glass. Tiny waves as the rocks melted and the cool glass cried against her warm palm. Waves, and she wondered why. She realized why. Her hand was shaking.
Faith raised the glass to her lips and the cool liquid burned in a slow, dark slide down her throat. She turned her head and tried to take in her surroundings through the haze of cheap booze, smoke and… fear? Lies? Death? Yep. All that and more. It was a wonder she could see at all. She saw a bar like any other, every other and all the others. And she wondered what the hell she was doing here… again, and in the middle of the day no less.
She wanted to drown it all out. The girl that crawled into her mind by nights, whispered in her ear through days. And mostly those eyes, jade green that had flashed more emotions in an instant than she had ever known. 232 days since she'd seen her, since they'd stood on that roof-top, and she'd pleaded, *begged* her to understand. Buffy couldn't understand. She sent her to rot, and she had for nearly eight months. And judging by last nights little occurrence… time hadn't changed much in that respect. But then… that kiss, THAT was a big change. That's why her hand was shaking.
"More?" The almost-cute guy behind the bar asked.
Buffy could never see. She was blind with her eyes wide. Blind to the pain, the fear the endless spiral into the abyss. No. How could she see the darkness when every thing she touches is light. Faith knew she could never be touched. But the dreams. 232 nights of them gave her the hope that she would somehow be close to it… again. It was repentance you see. Faith died every night so that some day she might be reborn. It even sounded biblical in her head, and she had to laugh a little. She sure as hell wasn't anybody's martyr. But the endless nights were her baptism, and maybe her salvation. Her lips had felt like heaven.
"Hey. I said 'You want some more'?" The bottle of Jack was held before her. Awaiting her decision, and Faith paused, her dark, heavy lashes fluttering shut for an instant. When they opened the haze was gone.
"Can't take any more." The reply was more to herself. She looked around, dark eyes scanning the handful of patrons. This city held a lot of secrets. She figured it would be a perfect place for her to start again. The constant rain, endless docks and Pacific air, the melancholy suited her just fine. The persistent fog and overcast meant day-walking for vamps, though the cold limited the population, she figured this place could use a slayer. But after last night… she wondered how long she could stay here… away from her. It was, after all, just like every other city and inhabitants, a mass of the blissfully unaware. They didn't know about the vamp in the corner with blue leather pants. He didn't exist to them.
"So, I get off at 2…" Almost-cute smiled.
"Yeah, you have fun with that." She mumbled, and threw down what she realized was the last of her cash. Faith wasn't worried, she knew how to steal. She headed out the door, after 'Blue-pants', who was following 'Sexy-redhead'.
"Hey can I get your number?" Almost-cute called after her. Faith threw him the finger without looking back. Dick.
The alley smelled like piss and garbage. Which Faith thought was appropriate `cause well... it was an alley, and that's usually where much of the world's piss and garbage meet their end. She wondered if Blue-pants would get the best of her here. He had the girl pressed against a dumpster. Classy. He was sniffing around her neck. Typical. She lit a cig and let it dangle off her full bottom lip.
"Hey!!" she shouted, and her voice seemed to bounce off the greasy brick walls that enclosed them. The dead guy looked up and his face vamped.
"Slayer!!" It was a hiss that was far more dramatic than what the situation called for.
The girl saw his face and started to scream. Faith rolled her eyes and took a drag.
"Like a goddamned broken record." She exhaled a white cloud with the words and sprinted down the alley as the redhead began to scramble away.
A quick right hook to the face and his leathered ass was in a puddle of funk. 'Too bad, those were some nice pants' Faith thought. And she wondered at her own detachment. Sexy-redhead was still hollering in the periphery.
Kick to the face, pull out the stake.
"You can't do this!! You have no idea of my power!" And Faith found that funny considering the all-powerful position the guy was in… laid out flat on his ass and all. 'God, not just a vamp but an ass too!' She reached into his very nice black leather coat and pulled out a very nice thick wallet. Sweet.
Kick to the face, stake to the heart. Dead… again. And Sexy-redhead is *still* screamin'.
"Hey…" Faith squatted down next to the cowering girl. "You're ok now, it's over." She tried to calm her before the fear turned into hysterics.
"Oh my God! His face! D-did you see his face! H-he was gonna… gonna… GOMYGOD!!" Too late. Hysterics. And now the not-so-sexy-anymore redhead had flung her arms around Faith's neck. Christ it just keeps getting better.
"Fuck, chill ok?" She tried to put some strength behind her voice as she pried the other girl's arms from around her neck.
"Look, he's gone now." She held her at arms length, "and you're ok. You're gonna get up walk outta this alley get in a cab and go home to bed alright?" Faith watched as the girl nodded and slowly raised her head so their eyes met.
Green. A stunning, sharp hazel-green that sucked the air straight form Faith's lungs. And suddenly she wasn't looking at some anonymous vamp's victim anymore. It was the face of the one person *she* had made a victim.
"Go home…" The girl breathed. And the voice from her dreams…
"W-what?" Faith blinked as she stumbled to her feet, "uhh… yeah. Get outta here" She watched in a daze as the girl scrambled to her feet and staggered out of the alley towards the main street. The words kept repeating over and over in her head. 'Go home… go home…'
"But where the fuck is that…" She leaned against the wall and took a long pull on her smoke. Her eyes squeezed shut on the thick exhale. She knew where the closest thing was. She knew she could never go back. It was the only place…ever. She was as good as dead if she did. Faith didn't doubt Buffy, she could never underestimate her fellow slayer. She knew B because she WAS B. The same spirit…the same essence pulses in their veins… they're the same. At least they were…
"Until it all went to hell…" The words were thick in her throat.
Faith didn't know how much more she could take. Her dreams and waking hours were haunted. The pain and the guilt pressing into some deep lost part of her. Having everything in life come down to one moment, one person, one failure. Her failure. And that voice a gossamer whisper in her ear.
"Fuck…" It was a ragged whisper as she looked to the cloudy sky. It was just a pale gray void. Not gonna cry. *Not* gonna cry. But a thick sob broke the silence. But just one. Another shaky, smoky exhalation and the wall is back in place. She pulled the pilfered wallet from her pocket. Well this is one good thing. Blue-pants was packin'. Eight… nine... ten grand!?
"Oh hells yeah." It so pays to be good, sorta. She re-pocketed the wallet and was about to head back to the main street when the loud clang of a trash can being over turned gave her pause.
"Slayer…" Oh god, not again. But her radar wasn't going off… and the British accent. Oh fuck.
"It is your decision how difficult this will be." A scrawny and haggard man stepped from the shadows. A glimmer of steel in his hand. Faith looked around the alley, gauged her chances. Slim and none. They were everywhere. She flicked her cig into a puddle. Orange ash sizzled to nothing.
"The alley is surrounded, Slayer, we will have you. Alive or dead is your choice." He continued in his clipped tone. And Faith couldn't help but think he was probably right. Until she spotted her out. Fire escape.
"Well, since you put it that way tweedy…" she gave him… them, her cocky smile. Yeah, she didn't believe it either. "Since when have I ever liked it easy… more of a hard and fast girl ya know?"
And she jumped. Vaulted really, to the ladder behind her and begin to climb. She had reached the second landing when she heard the shot… a second before she felt it tear through her shoulder. Fuck, not good. A second bullet whizzed by her head, then a third, then too many to count. She had reached the sixth when she was hit again. The pain pounded through her but she didn't stop to inspect the damage just kept climbing until she reached the roof. Her left arm was numb.
Faith wasn't sure how she out-ran two helicopters, or the twenty- something foot soldiers. She only knew the instinct forcing her to sprint across rain-slicked roof tops, and foggy aback alleys, the adrenaline pumping in her veins, and the fear pushing her to hide in one abandoned building after another until she made her way to her shabby motel. Leaning against the door she curled herself in a ball and waited...and bled. But nothing came. And the only sounds were her harsh and labored breath, and the couple in the next room fighting.
After what she guessed was about a half hour Faith figured she was in the clear. She righted herself and with a shaky breath finally took in the damage. She was shot. The concept of it all felt sorta surreal. Shot as opposed to bitten, or clawed… or stabbed…again. But the pain, oh that was as real as it got.
"Shit..." it was hissed as she peeled off the blood soaked denim jacket. One in the shoulder, one in the upper arm, and lots of blood. She felt light headed, but she knew the damage would be minimal both bullets had passed clean through. A few days and she'd be gold.
"Gotta love them super powers." She wrapped a shredded towel around the wounds as best she could and sat on the edge of the bed. She spared a look at the clock on the nightstand, the glowing red numbers swam before here eyes. 2:44. Booze and blood loss, not a good combination. What was she gonna do now? The council was serious, and deadly so judging by the condition of her arm. Her recently acquired cash gave her a few options... run again. But what happened when that ran out. Faith had been running her entire life, never sure of where she was going, what she was chasing. She'd had enough. So one last time and that's the end. She wondered if it would be the end of her and was only slightly shocked that she really didn't give a fuck anymore. The apathy had no end she supposed, but something had to change. She glanced at the clock again, 2:45. It was time to go home.
The persistent tapping was like a jackhammer on her sleep-deprived nerves. Continuous, and unrelenting its singular terrible goal was to drive her into the dark depths on insanity… it was succeeding. Buffy had to stop it before she slid further into the abyss.
"God! Will you just STOP it!!?" The command came out in a harsher… and louder tone than she expected as she snatched the detested pencil from her best friend's fidgeting hand.
Buffy's chest felt tight, like there was this invisible force… a pressure pushing into her. It made it hard to breathe. It hadn't left since she awoke that morning, with tears in her eyes and Faith's taste on her lips. She crossed her arms across her middle and tried to block out the endless pull. Something was telling her to move… it was a tense and anxious feeling… and she had no idea what she was reaching for.
They were sitting around the large table of the Magic Box. Research mode, and all had been going about as well as could be expected. They were all talking, debating options but with Buffy's sudden outburst the steady chatter came to an abrupt halt. All eyes were on her now, and the microscopic feeling only served to add to her anxiety. Her eyes darted around the group, but she couldn't really meet anyone's stare. They were all on edge, she knew this; the stress of the new threat had taken its toll over the past few days. Buffy was thankful for them all, they were her support, her structure, but that didn't mean things didn't get a little shaky from time to time. That tightness was still inside her, and not just in her heart… she tried to quell it with a deep breath… but there was never enough air.
"Umm… You ok there Buff?" Xander spoke cautiously as he closed the insanely large old book he had been thumbing through. The dust from the pages fluffed a musty cloud into the face of his girlfriend. And Anya coughed.
"Yeah Buffy, you seem a little… on edge today. More so than in past days, not that you don't have reason for the edginess, `cause well things… and now with the demon and the… eviscerations… it's all kinda… edgy…" Willow's babble fizzled out and Buffy couldn't help but smile at her best friend. And her best friend's girlfriend. Yeah…wow that was new. She was still adjusting to that particular development. But Tara was sweet and part of the team now.
"I'm sorry Will…" Buffy sighed and rubbed her temples. "You're right… much edginess, I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night."
"Are you worried? A-about this new vampire… or w-whatever it is?" Tara spoke, it was such a soothing and compassionate sound that Buffy couldn't help but relax a bit. Yeah she liked Tara.
"No it's not entirely tha-"
"Sexual frustration maybe!?" Anya piped up, sure of her conclusion. "I know sometimes I can't sleep unless Xander gives me a happy… he's very good at that." And she smiled adoringly at her now very red-faced boyfriend.
"Uhh thanks for the praise honey bear, but I don't think that's what Buffy was gonna say… unless that WAS what you were gonna say… Buff?" And all eyes were one her once more.
"What? NO! No that's not it!" Ok now SHE was turning red, because after that dream… that wasn't entirely the truth. And she was NOT about to get into that with them… Hell she didn't want to get into it with HERSELF. The last thing any of them needed to worry about was Faith returning to their lives. One disaster at a time, thank you very much.
"Well, is there anything we can do… to help?" Tara again… and again so sweet, but Buffy was tired of that look. The one she had been getting so much lately, ever since her mother had died. It was a look that said 'Be careful she might break'. She hated it because she knew it was probably true, maybe she was already breaking. It made her want to run… to give into that that pull.
"Yeah Buffy, maybe we could all patrol tonight… with Spike and Riley, It'll give you the night off?" Willow chimed in, ever helpful and now she had that look too. Buffy felt her eye twitched. She had to take a deep breath to keep from snapping. She let it out in a listless sigh.
"No guys it's okay…I'm okay, really." It sounded believable, even if she didn't believe it herself. "Besides with this vamp-demon thingy running loose I really don't wanna put you guys in anymore danger."
"What? Are you kidding Buff, danger's my middle name!" Xander leered, and threw in an affective eyebrow wiggle for emphasis. Anya nearly swooned and Buffy couldn't help but chuckle at his enthusiastic girlfriend but a despondent pressure arose in her chest as she glanced at her friends... it kept the burning anxiety company. Xander's girlfriend, Willow's girlfriend, it seemed everyone had a girlfriend but her… but wait… that wasn't right! She had a BOYfriend. A very nice…and handsome?…well.. and devoted one at that. For some reason that didn't alleviate the distant ache, but added to her confusion. No sooner had the thoughts passed through her mind did the boyfriend in question entered the shop, with Dawn in tow.
"Hey guys! Any trouble on the way over here?" Buffy shook the disturbing thoughts from her mind as she approached them, she had to get her focus back. She couldn't afford this distraction.
"Nope none at all." Riley leaned in for a kiss and his brow crinkled when he was presented with her cheek rather than the soft lips he was expecting. He wrapped his arms around her waist as she turned in his customary possessive display and was pleased as Buffy leaned back into the embrace... He didn't know she was grinding her teeth. Dawn rolled her eyes as she plunked herself down in the chair.
"I still don't see why I need a stupid chaperone... I mean… Hello? Daylight!?" The pout was of epic proportions.
"Dawn we've been over thi-" Buffy sighed.
"It's just too risky Dawnie" Riley cut in. Dawn rolled her eyes…again. Did the girl know any other means of self expression?
"And besides, there's no way I'm letting anything happen to my girls!" Buffy felt his arms tighten around her waist in what she knew was supposed to be a gesture of comfort, it only served suffocate her. It was claustrophobic and she had to clinch her teeth to keep from throwing him off her… and across the room.
"He's right Dawn." Buffy stepped calmly from the bulk of Riley's arms. The tense mask of concentration escaped the entire group. Maybe they had seen it so much, they didn't realize it for what it was. Buffy liked the lie… her safe charade. She was in control.
"This thing knows what I am and it's safe to assume he knows the people close to me. We can't take any chances." She was good at the fearless leader speech. And no one saw the flicker of fear to cross her eyes. Riley had his arms around her again and she felt her skin prickle when he breathed against her neck. She imagined a thousand tiny needles. Buffy clenched her fists and let him stifle her. She was brave like that.
"I agree completely." Giles clipped British tone cut the heavy silence that had settled like a fog across the group. "Especially now that I seem to have discovered exactly what it is we're up against." The groups attention shifted as he entered the room, and rested yet another ancient volume on the central table.
"So what do we got?" Xander spoke as he reached for the book, only to have his hand swatted by Giles as if he were a petulant five-year old.
"What we 'got' is a force that I dared not even imagine…" He paused to remove his glasses, and the group became contrite. The heavy silence returned until Buffy spoke again.
"Alright so enough with the dramatic pause…" She broke away from the man that was holding her once more. She had her limits, she could admit that.
"Buffy… what we are dealing with is a vampire… a demon so old he predates all of written history… she is a master-"
"Ok so been there and done that… and a few times... and did you say SHE?" Buffy was pacing… she could feel her mask beginning to crack, she had to keep moving… something was pulling her. Her hands were shaking.
"Buffy no," Giles continued, tone soft and full of fearful awe. "This is something I myself can hardly begin to comprehend… this creature is not only a master… she very well may be THE master. The alpha of all vampire creation. She walked the earth with the first humans… she has seen ice ages come and go… empires raise and crumble… and prophets persecuted. She is the very reason for the evolution of The Slayer… she is the reason you exist Buffy… and she has killed all others like you that she has come across."
The glasses came off again. Stifling silence and Buffy stood still.
"Well this thing can't… come here and… why the hell hasn't somebody killed it by now… what the hell does it want?!" She barely heard the tirade of her lover, because for Buffy, in that instant everything became a sharp and brilliant contrast. It was a clarity that could only come from the shocking distinction of black and white. It was all so simple.
"It wants to destroy the one thing that is a threat to its eternal existence…" Her watcher's voice seemed miles away.
The world was fading around her, melting into a cool and dripping gray. And in the center of it wall was the piercing spot of light, its intensity nearly brought her to her knees. It was divine and she was left breathless in its multitude. And at the first hint of realization Buffy did fall, overwhelmed by her epiphany. She didn't notice her friends rushing to her side, or the worried voice of her lover…she couldn't hear them. Couldn't feel them. But she could feel that light. And it made her pant...her eyes burned with moisture. The heat of it was intense and the tightness, the weight was lifting from her chest… she shuddered at the precious release. Her eyes fluttered shut, but the spot of light remained. And it was part of her. Her spirit, her slayer. And she gasped… an amazed and wondrous sound… when the light split, and one luminous point became two.
I wake up and I'm on a train. Which isn't that big of a shock considering that's where I last remember falling asleep. The 4:15 barreling down the west coast. But I know somethin's up when I look around. Even with all the extra cash I KNOW I sure as hell didn't pop for this. I'm in one of those private first class numbers… a 'sleeper' car. It's all plush bench seats and soft pillows.
What the hell?
I let the gentle sway of the car lull me for a moment and try to clear my head… It's a little foggy, but I figure that's from all the blood loss. The rhythm of the tracks passing beneath my feet is soothing and constant. I stretch out a little, `cause I can now that I'm not in coach anymore for some damn reason, and when I stretch my arm… that's when I realize… I'm stretching my arm, the one that those Brit bastards shot up not 3 hours ago. Fuck. Just a dream. Well it's a change of pace from my regularly scheduled program… no Buffy… no Mayor… and no dying. Yeah this could work out all right.
But then I look out the window… and nothin's right… that cold dark oil sweeps over me… this space… like a tidal wave. It's so sudden and all consuming. It's pressing on my chest, pulling the breath right outta me. The shock leaves me gasping. Goddamn it I can never get away! That silent movie is flashing outside the window. Where there should be trees… the sun setting and reflecting off the Pacific… there's just me, and my past. Morbid scenery. It's dark in here and cold, and everything suddenly looks kinda hazy. I look up at the continuous reel playing my life and it looks like cheap 8mm, all jagged around the edges. Figures.
I'm letting my Watcher die… god I'm so sorry Jen…
I put my head in my hands and try to just block it all out. But it just keeps pushing in… speeding up and making everything move so fast around me… the train feels like it's flying down the rails. The light's flickering. It's chaos. Wake up… wake UP damn it!! There's this pull in my chest, it's making me clench my fists... nails in my palm. Why do I gotta relive all this? She's beggin' me to help her… This is just too hard I can't take it any more! I'm gonna give in. I just fuckin' know it... just for the peace that's all I want!! Just the peace… please?! I look at my wrists… skin's so thin there… NO!
"Mother FUCKER! WHY?!!" I hit the wall… literally. Trying to break the backdrop for the scene that's flashing in front of me. But I can't break it… it's breaking me. God I still can't save her… he's still pullin' her skin off. My voice is echoing through the tiny cab and it sounds strained and horse. Shit, when did I start crying so much?!
I know my eyes must look wild… crazy even. My heart is poundin' against my ribs…Why can't I just fuckin' BREATHE…and now I'm shaking all over. Oh god I'm scared… I'm so fuckin' scared `cause I know I might be losing it again, it's that same feeling I got last time... when I ki-…FUCK don't! Don't think about that!!
Too late.
It's playing in the window… B's screamin' but there's no sound… blood on my hands... too fast. Get it off! Gotta get it off! I'm rocking back and forth… can't be still… somethin's pullin' me…Dripping black oil… the look in his eyes, shocked and so scared…look in her eyes, disbelief, disgust…No B, HELP me! Why won't she help me!? I start rubbing my hands…FUCK!!
GET.IT.TOGETHER!
"It's not real… none of it is real." I gotta chill, stay away from that edge. I grit my teeth and try to back get a little bit of control… yeah like I had any to start with. When I was in prison, in that cell… the walls would move, start to push in on me. It took me a while but I finally figured out how to push back. Just gotta focus… Take all the pain and all that energy and focus it on the problem. Ok better… slowing down. Now just think. Eyes closed.
There… I guess the self-help bullshit Angel was preaching is paying off. Yeah, right. I still can't stop these freak-outs. Not enough that they happen when I'm awake? At least I got the shakin' under control… but that pain in my chest…
I gotta start to wonder if this all means somethin'… Like prophecy maybe, or some subconscious stuff like if it's my brain trying to tell me somethin' about… myself. Ok now I'm just adding to the headache. Me and B are dancing. I can't help but smile as I get lost in that little memory. It quickly changes and I'm punching her in the face… shit it HAS to mean something.
"You always had a good right hook." And her voice doesn't even startle me. I had felt her a second before she spoke. Warm prickles on the back of my neck. I'm expecting her to be watching the wall, but when I turn my head her eyes are locked firmly on mine. And she's just sittin' there, in the seat across from me… all pastel light… she always reminded me of birthday cake.
"None of it's real ya know, B…" I'm trying to keep my wall up, but I'm just so tired… I sound tired. Wonder if I can deal with this.
"Oh as I remember it was all VERY real F." Cold as ice. Nope can't deal… wanna wake up now.
"I don't wanna fight Buffy." It's hardly a whisper, but I know she heard it. I expect a challenge but now it's all silent… just the rails passing beneath us. Christ, I can't even look at her! What the hell happened to all that bad ass I had stored up?
"What DO you want then Faith?" She breaks the silence, her voice full of accusation, and I can tell right now that this whole damn train might be goin' to straight hell… better strap in. Now I got a couple of options here. I can do the smart ass thing…
She raises an eyebrow, all cocky.
…or I can just punch her in that sanctimonious little mouth, FUCK she pisses me off. I'm just tired of the games…
"I'm so tired of the games." Ok truth then. Different but doable.
"Yeah… me too…" Guess she's tryin' it too, cause that 'I'm so superior' look is gone. And I can actually look at her now… REALLY look at her, past that halo I force her to wear… and she looks…
"I'm just tired Faith…" It's dripping in her voice. "Everything is just falling apart, there is so much going on right now you wouldn't believe… and now you… and all this? Faith what are we doing?" Good question.
"I got no fuckin' clue B." And we're quiet again just takin' each other in. Those tingles start spreadin' down my spine. It's all surreal with the images flashing in the periphery. She spares them a glance, and then her eyes are back on mine.
"I can't make `em stop B." She just nods… and with her eyes still on mine she reaches out one of those delicate hands to touch the glass. Then just like that they're gone. Like somebody pulled the plug. You GOTTA be kiddin' me.
Ok, yeah THAT is a sign. And that pull, that tightness in my chest is just as gone. She takes it all away with just one touch. I think I'm shaking again. The window is clear now and light is pouring in like warm butter, taking away the cold. Everything is so soft and orange.
And she smiles at me, with that new warm light wrapping around her, bouncing off her hair and shining in her eyes. Fuckin' unbelievable…. Jesus I wonder how many flies I'm catchin' here. Say somethin' idiot! Things are shifting… I can feel it. It's scary as hell.
"Ya know Faith, I've been thinking." She beat me to it, just as well… jaw still on the floor and all.
"I had this sorta, revelation I think… a-about you and me."
Woah… I mean... shit. She looks a little nervous now. I think she's waiting for me to say something… Good to know my thought process is just as quick as ever.
"W-what kinda revelation B?" and I thought SHE sounded nervous? She suddenly comes over and sits next to me, and yeah the cold is DEFINITELY gone now, `cause I can feel the warmth just rolling off of her in waves and those tingles are all over me. How could I have ever tried to forget this feeling. And I think… I hope she's feeling too.
She does that shy smile thing and looks at me through her lashes… was I mad at her a few minutes ago?
"Faith was there something I could have done? When you were in Sunnydale? I mean… like I could have listened more… maybe tried harder or something… it all seemed like this downward spiral…"
"Buffy wait a sec." I have to stop her there. First so that I can adjust to the subject change and two, because she's blaming herself and that's just SO very wrong. But I can tell she's trying to understand… and it's for real this time. I gotta get this right. We're close to something here I can feel in past my bones, to the very depths of me.
"You were right when you said it before. You gave me all these chances, but I was… I couldn't go there ya know?" The look on her face says she doesn't know. This is so damn frustrating.
But then she takes my hand. And my whole world just funnels to that perfect contact. Deep breath.
"B, I was angry when I met you... I-I was messed up more than you know… there are… things that you don't know about f-from my past… And I think I'm angry still but I don't want to be anymore…"
This is so hard... so fuckin' hard! Her eyes are burnin' through me and I can't stand not knowing what's goin' through her head right now. I squeeze my eyes shut and feel her grip tighten on my hand and a wet splash…god is she cryin'?!
"I don't want to stay in all this… in this dark place ya know? Trapped like this… by my mistakes… and not being able to make it right…" and now my voice is breaking but I can't stop... I won't "I need you to hear, I need you to see me Buffy. I-I've seen my share of devils ya know? So many I woulda sworn I was in hell… but I'd never thought I… could… would become one myself- "
"Faith no, you're-" She tries but I can't stop.
"No! B please I just gotta…" She's moving closer even though I still don't look I can feel it. And I can barely force the words out… my voice all breath and tears.
"I'm in a place B, and I can't escape it… a-alone. I need you to help me, I think you're the only one who can…Buffy you're in my blood… can't you feel it?!"
I sound as desperate as I feel. I finally open my eyes to meet hers and I fall instantly into the watery green. It's quiet except the rhythm of the tracks as they slide by. I've said all that I can… it's all that I have. God I just hope it's enough.
She's waiting. I realize that I'm holding something very precious in my hands right now. This moment has the potential to be everything. It has potential to be a disaster. And this time, if it all breaks apart, it will be my doing, no doubt and nowhere else to place the blame. Could there BE more pressure here? Doubt it.
I'm sitting in this train car filled with warm amber light. It bounces off the walls and the tiny dust particles dance in the glowing rays. It's beautiful and the warmth is drying the tears on my face. I know this is a dream but it feels so beyond real I don't think there is a word for it. Corporeal? Super-real? Whatever, it just IS.
Her hand feels so hot. She smells like lavender.
Faith just laid it all on the line. In her own halted and cautious way. She's never been emotions girl, but this… just now… I know she gave me everything. And now she's waiting.
For me.
Two days ago I never would have seen this happening. A day ago I hated her. But a few hours ago I fell. When I had that revelation, or whatever it was, it all just became so clear. I saw what basically came down to this reason for being, flashing behind my eyelids…it was incredible... not to mention scary as hell. It was all very 'meaning- of-life' like. I had felt this sudden all-consuming sense of purpose, racing though my veins and screaming in my head but all I could hear was blessed silence. My path… my destiny rolled out like a Hollywood red carpet. I had never felt such a force… it was peace and excitement and intensity all in one instant.
Well, I guess had felt it once before… but then I couldn't deal. It was stronger than me, bigger than me and I couldn't control it. And we all know how I like my control… I did learn SOMETHING in college. I went to class… occasionally. But that force, it was molding me, changing me and it was so RIGHT but all too much… we both rebelled against it… afraid of what it would do to us… what it made of us. She had pulled and I had pushed until one of us fell off the side of a building. We were so afraid then.
And I'm terrified now.
I always thought that we were the same… because we were slayers or joined mystically or whatever. I really do listen to Giles too much. Maybe in a sense we are the same, but more than that we are complete and total opposites. Like that contrast I saw that made everything so clear. Darkness and light. Inside and out. I had fought it then… the darkness inside me that was trying to…screaming to come to the surface… To balance out the falsity of pink and pastel that was on display to the world. That was my armor, and she was stripping it away. She didn't know… hell I didn't either at the time. But I'm a bigger liar than she ever was because I refused to see… I denied the light that exists inside of her. Opposites.
It all had hit me so fast that I couldn't even stand. It had felt so GOOD. And there I was, blissed out of my mind on the floor of the Magic Box, not one of my finer moments. There may have been drooling. And with all the people I care about around me, trying to help me, trying to figure out what I needed I just wanted them to fade away… just for a while. Because I already knew. And now she's waiting.
I REALLY need to say something. She's starting to look a little worried. If only I could trust my voice right now. I smile at her a little instead. I can't NOT smile right now. Because I GET it… finally. I never claimed to be the sharpest of stakes. But I do catch on eventually. So much comes out of that mouth …lies of omission and biting sarcasm. It's HER terrible armor and that's what I hate. And I hate whatever forced her to wear it. Whatever forces her to hide.
All this time I should have listened to her eyes. Oh but I get it now. And I can feel my smile getting a little bit bigger. I'm probably starting to look a little goofy. But I couldn't care less… because she wanted me to hear her, and now I do.
Like now! Those dark, dark pools are shifting back and forth, so slightly like she's reading something… and that tiny indent appears on her forehead as her eyebrows move together. And now I KNOW I'm grinning like an idiot, because she just asked me if it was enough? If it was too much?
My heart just sped up.
I'm gonna start to giggle any second now. I actually feel giddy with this new knowledge, this understanding. I really need to say something. Oh! Look at that!! She just pulled back a bit and that little frown got a little deeper! She thinks I'm going crazy! This is so great! I must look totally insane!!
Oops I can see doubt slowly turning to panic now so I better get this together…
"Faith…" Her name seems to hang in the thick air between us. I can feel this tension creeping up over me, it's laced with fear and apprehension and I can feel it clenching in my throat. And suddenly I can't find the words. Maybe I should have gone to more classes… But she's looking at me, her eyes shining like pure onyx. She needs to hear how I understand, she needs to hear that I get it all, that I forgive her, that I need her to forgive me. She needs to know that I finally know, she needs me to say that it's all ok, she needs me to say-
"Yes…" And again with the silence. Maybe there is more I can say. It sure seems like there should be… I mean one tiny word… but wait! Her eyes! They're squinting up some, like tiny chocolate moons. Is she gonna start crying? No! If she starts up again then so will I and then there will be all the sniffling and hiccups and we'll never get to the actual talking part…
"So that's yes as in…" She tapers off and no, not crying. Smiling.
Oh. My. God. I can actually hear the breath leave my lungs. She's just… amazing. The light that's coming in from god knows where is sliding over her like warm honey. Her hair is shining with it, all dark mahogany and splashes wine. Those full glossy lips are spread over her teeth and I think I might go blind for a second. Her skin is glowing and I'm suddenly very aware of two things:
One, she gets it. Like she can hear everything that's going on in my head or she can read it in my eyes like I'm reading hers. And two. I want to kiss her. The first is a good thing. The second…well. That's not what this was supposed to be about! I still can't figure out how that happened the last time… or that I was the one who did it! I'm really hoping she doesn't bring that up. Gotta stay on track here.
"Yes I can hear you Faith, yes I can see you, and yes I can feel it… I- I understand." My voice breaks at the end and I hear a tiny sniffle as that smile gets bigger. Ok so maybe a little crying. She shakes her head in a bit of disbelief and those umber waves dance around her face. It makes me want to say it again… makes me want to shout it… but it comes out a whisper.
"Yes…" And I get another smile. This is so good. My chest feels so full.
"This is all so freakin' weird yeah?" Yeah it is.
"Weirder than what?"
"Well, for the longest time now, it's just been about the pain ya know? I die every night… alone… just so I can make it better, but it's never enough…"
Ok that hurts… bad. `Cause I know I'm the one that kills her.
"But then we come here, to this place, and I say a few words… and you say even fewer and suddenly it's all good?" She looks unsure, but she wants to believe it. Her eyes tell me.
It'll be good if we let it. Faith please just let it.
"It's a start though." When did I move so close to her?! She smirks like she used to, and I realize just how much I missed her dimples.
"A good one I think… beats the hell outta the alternative." Faith squeezes my hand then and it's like a current running up my arm. It hits my shoulder and rolls down my spine like a wave. I wonder if she feels it too? She's looking very intently at where our hands are linked. And that's when I notice my thumb has been rubbing over the silky skin of the back of her hand. Gentle sweeps… unconscious circles. What the hell am I doing?! Her eyes slide back up to mine and I feel it like a caress.
I should not be thinking the things I'm thinking right now.
"Umm! So I guess this all means that you're out right? Of jail I mean?" Not the best of subjects to jump to but I need something to focus on… other than her mouth.
"You guess right B."
"And you're coming home?" It seems like a casual enough question, but she suddenly gets this look on her face, her lips part but there's no sound. Her eyes are all intensity. Until she finally whispers.
"Yeah B, I'm comin' home."
"I'm glad." I really, really am.
"Yeah I got this feeling like I'm needed..." I get the eyebrow… huh? What does that mean?! "Like there's trouble coming and that's where I need to be."
Oh.
"Well there is this major baddie… raising all kinds of hell… literally." My head hurts just thinking about it.
"I want to help ya know… if you'll let me that is."
"I'm gonna need it." She nods, all serious. Then says "Then I'm coming back B. And I want to stay. And I need you to know that I'm not gonna hurt you or anybody else, that's the last thing I ever wanna do. I'm gonna come back and we're gonna beat the crap outta this thing."
And there is so much conviction in her voice, it's that old-Faith confidence. It feels like a magnet pulling me towards her.
Ok time for some shoptalk. How to do this… I feel a long drawn out explanation coming on. Giles was talking for hours about this thing and the Slayer and all that other stuff.
"It has to be you Faith. Thi-"
"It's always been you B."
Whaaa?!
I think I just blew a circuit. And now she's looking at me kind of… shy? Her eyes are peaking up behind those thick painted lashes.
Did I miss something?!
I look down where her eyes were a second ago. How did my hand get on her leg! I certainly didn't do it… but there it is… fingertips stroking her jean-covered knee. Oh my god, STOP IT! Hand… listen to me… move away from the leg…NO not up! Away!! I have lost total control of my body… Shit! Don't think about loosing control! I start to jerk back but she stops me, and now she holding both my hands… soft, soft skin.
"Buffy, you remember these dreams when you wake up right?" Her voice feels like gravel rolling over my skin.
"You know I do." I can tell she's thinking about something…biting at her bottom lip…Don't look… don'tlookdon'tlook. Shit! she caught me… and now she's running her tongue over it. I feel my own lips part. And I know where this conversation is headed.
"Why'd you kiss me last time?" And there's the million dollar question. I am so not ready to have this conversation…
Her eyes just flicked down to my mouth.
"I-I um... well…" Genius!! Pure genius!! Some one save me! "'Cause ya know it kinda came outta nowhere. One minute we're screamin' then the next… It was wicked intense yeah?"
Yeah. Intense. Tree pretty….
"I was just wonderin' if it was a 'heat of the moment' kinda thing… or…"
Yes! That's what it was! Heat of the moment, emotions on high. It had to be that or else things are gonna get way more complicated… she's still looking at my mouth. My heart is pounding on my ribs.
"…or maybe it was it was something else…?" What?! No! Not something else! She's leaning towards me and I scoot back a little but I'm trapped as my back presses against the soft back of the seat. I can feel her breath, hot puffs against my face… so close and all I can see are those lips.
I want.
"Why B?" A ragged whisper and they just brushed against my own. I hear my breath hitch and I can feel that part of me, that dark part that I've always buried, rising. That's the part of me that needs to close the two inches between us. It's the part of me that kissed her last time. It's the part that's needy, demanding, power hungry and out of control. It whispers to me 'I want' I try to jerk back… because it still scares me.
And her hand comes up… fingertips over my jaw… she's shaking. I'm panting. And I feel it again. Full and wet and for just a second. She's holding herself back, she's waiting. It feels like my entire body is tightening like a bow, and there's this energy humming all around us. I can smell her…more than the lavender, and I breathe deep.
"Tell me…" The sound of her voice makes my skin prickle. All roughness and longing. The sweep of her mouth makes my nipples get hard. God it's not enough… just that instant of contact. That dark part of me is screaming for more screaming for me to take it.
Her hand slides back into my hair. I want.
The warm tingles that I always feel when I'm near her suddenly become something I can't even recognize. It's a fire… and it rolls through every inch of me so fast I feel my spine arch from the intensity. My stomach muscles clench and a hot flood of lust spills between my legs. Oh god I'm gonna combust. She hasn't even touched me yet.
And she feels it too. I see it as it passes over her face and her eyes turn black as midnight. That berry red mouth falls open and I feel her entire body shudder on a humid exhale. I think that's got to be the hottest thing in the world…
Until I hear her moan.
It's a pleading sound that's wrapped around my name and it makes me crazy. And I can't stand it any more. I snap and that part of me takes control. Both my hands are suddenly overflowing with silky strands of brown as I pull her lips down to mine.
It happens so fast I think I surprised her. I feel her gasp against my mouth and it just makes me hotter. My tongue takes advantage and slides into her hot mouth and suddenly we've reversed positions. She tastes so good. I'm pushing her back into the plushness of the seat as I try to taste every inch of her mouth at once. We're both breathing hard into the kiss, refusing to break for air and the panting just makes it slick and wet and messy. Out of control. Her tongue is fighting back, dragging over my bottom lip and I hear a groan as my body settles on top of hers. I think it's me. The shock of the full body contact makes us both tremble and I finally have to pull back to breathe.
I'm straddling her hips and the subtle rocking of hers is causing a wonderful pressure right on my clit. I don't even think she realizes she's doing it. It's getting me so wet. She is so absolutely beautiful. Her hair is a riot of dark waves spread out around her head… eyes half closed and shimmering black… and that mouth… wet and swollen, lips spread apart as she pants. I follow the hazy blush from her cheeks down her neck to the tops of her breasts and I'm mesmerized as I watch them strain against her shirt. I can see her nipples… they're reaching for me. My hands are moving on their own, over her chest and I take both of those perfect mounds in my hands cupping them…kneading them. The tips drag against my palms and I watch as her eyes flutter shut. She pushes into my hands and I take her nipples between my fingers and roll them through the thin fabric of her shirt. She likes it. I feel this power surge through me. I squeeze harder and she moans.
"B…oh my god B... oh fuck…" Ragged mumbles as her hands travel up over my hips to my stomach they slide under my shirt. Oh god her hands…
And I start pushing back, and now she realizes exactally what she's doing. Her eyes snap open and lock with mine as she arches back a little and lets her hips roll into mine. And I can feel her heat… her pussy, pressed right up against me and just the thought of what that would feel like if our clothes weren't in the way makes me moan.
"Unnnggghh…Faith…" is that my voice? I guess so because at the sound of it Faith starts rocking harder… a slow grind. I feel her hands slide over my back… nails raking gently. It makes me shiver. I lean back down and crush my lips to hers… taking her mouth. It's a wild kiss and I suddenly feel so fierce. I want to mark her… make her mine. Everything feels so hazy like a mist is saturating the air around us. It smells like lavender and sex. It makes me nuts.
"I want you Faith…" I sound feral… out of control…it's that dark part of me talking. But my words cause Faith to stop moving, her hands freeze on my waist.
"B…?" She's gazing up at me with an odd expression, that little frown is back. She's taking deep breaths, trying to calm down. But my hands are still on her breasts… I pinch her nipples again, stroking the tips.
"Buffy…" a deep groan this time as her eyes close again, but her hands come up to my wrists and she pulls them away. I want… I move to put them back, but she tightens her grip.
"We gotta stop this B… we can't… I can't." What?! NO! I move in to kiss her again… so she can stop saying these things. But she dodges my lips. I settle for the smooth skin over her neck and let my tongue glide over her pulse… feel it jump under my lips… I feel wild.
She jerks me back again though holding me by the shoulders at arms length and I'm suddenly hit with a hot pulse of anger. It flies through me…violent and intense and I can feel my lips pull back in a snarl. I see her beautiful eyes widen. Oh my god she's afraid!
"Buffy not like this…" What am I doing!? What is happening to me?
"Faith I'm sorry! I don't know what-" And she sits up pulls me into her arms gentle… but cautious.
"Shhh it's ok, it'll be ok B…" No it won't! I've ruined it… it's all broken again.
"It's not broken…it can't be." Did I say that out loud? I'm really losing it.
"It's like I said B, none of this is real…"
"But it feels real." I whisper and she smiles and I feel a little better.
"Yeah. Just think of it as practice."
"For what?"
"For when you wake up."
And suddenly the train is gone. The warmth of her body, the smell of her hair. Gone. And I'm in my room watching the ceiling fan spin slowly in the darkness. I hear something shift next to me. And for an instant I think it's her. But as the weight of a large muscled arm drapes across my stomach I realize it can't be... may never be. And I feel my heart break. But then I remember… she's still coming home.
Author's Note: "When you know what's coming, the 'worse' is only better at its task…"
Twenty four hours and it's all turned upside down.
I'm sitting on the bed, in my old apartment that the mayor gave me… again. In fact I'm in the exact same position that I was in before… edge of the bed, head in my hands… but this time it's for real. No one's in the corner. The overstuffed chair sits empty like it's been for over a year now. And B's here too, but I'm not waiting for her to walk through that door. She's behind me actually… that's saying she's IN the bed… asleep. Fuck, I can hardly believe it.
The rain is battering against the window, making tiny rivers on the glass that shimmer in the pale light. I turn and look over my shoulder so I can see her. I can't seem to keep my eyes away for more than a few seconds. I'm not sure how long all this is gonna last. This beautiful peace… and she is beautiful. The streetlight is filtering in just as before, the glow is cool and pale. But I don't fear the shadows and I don't fear what the light shows me. Because it's shining on her… soft and blue it drapes across her face… her body like silk. It shows me her hair, blond but almost white in the faint hues of morning, her face… almost angelic, but I know better. Those long lashes rest feather-light against her cheeks… skin so smooth and kissed by a faint blush… kissed by my lips.
And her lips part, as if they heard my thoughts… red ripe cherries.
Nothing in my life has ever felt this good… this perfect, and it's a bit ironic when damn near every inch of my body hurts like a bitch. And not in any kind of good way. Damn. But I swear I've never felt better, seeing her laying there… and she was holding me when I woke up…. I never even let myself dream of that. But it was real, her arms were wrapped around my waist, her legs all tangled with mine…those lips kissing the back of my neck. I thought I knew what warmth was, what safety was... all this time I had no fuckin' clue. It was in her arms.
I close my eyes and try imprint this moment in my brain, so it can be there forever. `Cause I know, the second she opens her eyes, it's all gonna be over.
Twenty four hours ago I thought I had it all figured out. What a difference a day makes.
The smell of coming rain was thick in the air as Faith walked through Restfield cemetery. Back in the `Dale for a few hours and things were definitely looking up. Finally she'd made the right decision… actually it was the ONLY decision. In her mind it wasn't even an issue anymore. This was where she was supposed to be, it was her destiny. The absolute certainty in her decision gave her a confidence she had never felt before…. It was quiet and real. It had none of the anxiety and fear attached to it. In the past she had felt the need to display it, all posturing and hard talk, she hid behind it like armor. Faith felt lighter now without it.
She knew the battle was going to be an uphill one. She didn't delude her self with thoughts of welcome back parties and open grateful arms. Even after what had happened with Buffy, in their little dream world, Faith wasn't about to believe it could all be roses.
Reality was a much different place after all. It had a whole new set of rules.
She leaned back against the wall of a crypt and lit up a cig, shielding the flame from the gusting wind. A storm was approaching. The symbolism was not lost, Faith was all about the signs. And now she was waiting. She had been tracking Buffy and her gang of whatnots for about an hour, the entire flock was out tonight, so she was biding her time at a safe distance. Faith wasn't about to approach all of them at once. She was not in the mood for Red's panic-babble and if she had to hear Xander scream like a little girl she just may have to castrate him… at least then he'd have a reason…
So she held back. She was trying to control those violent tendencies after all. Instead she thought about the dream, the things they had said, the things they had done. Faith felt her heart beat a little faster. She had seen totally different side of Buffy, one that she was sure the rest of the world never even got a glimpse of. It was a darker B, free and untamed by all the preconceptions that kept her wrapped in ribbons. It had scared Faith initially, until she recognized it for what it was. It was B's other half… and she was showing it… sharing it with her. It was in that instant, with Buffy straddling her… rocking against her, that Faith could see the other girl changing right in front of her eyes. With the pleasure shooting through her veins, clouding her mind one thing became strikingly clear… She was her balance. It wasn't about them being the same, it was never supposed to be. And despite all the shit about the Slayer, they were each MORE than the Slayer, her darkness to B's light And when she saw, in that instant a part of her reflected in Buffy's eyes Faith knew she'd never be the same, THEY would never be the same.
That's why she had stopped them. That's why she forced her self from the heaven of B's mouth… It couldn't happen there. If it happened at all it had to be real.
With all the deep and meaningful issues sorted in her mind, Faith started to contemplate the more physical possibilities. Like how Buffy's fingers would feel as they tugged on her nipples… in reality. She felt her breath hitch at just the thought. It had been beyond intense in the dream… and how would her kiss taste? B's mouth had been like a hot wet cave and she could easily see herself getting lost for hours in it. But then she pictured that mouth in other places… Shit!
She had to stop these thoughts. Her coming back to Sunnydale was not supposed to be about fucking Buffy Summers. Faith wanted that... but she wanted MORE than that. Yeah that was a first… and scary as fuck too. It was easier to just think about the physical….Sluttin' off with no strings attached, no one to tie her down… that, she could handle. But there was bigger shit to deal with here. She took a long slow drag as she rolled her shoulders, attempting to release some of the tension that had suddenly formed.
"Fuck!" She cursed a cloud of white as the burning pain shot down through her left shoulder and arm.
"Ok that'll keep me focused…" Fuckin Council bastard mother fuckers. Yup, pain and anger, old friends of hers. They would keep the thoughts of Buffy's hands and mouth under control… but then… Faith got a flash of Buffy hovering over her, eyes wild and fierce, when she had pushed her away… Yeah B was pretty hot when she was pissed…
The shit eating grin had just started to spread over Faith's mouth when she heard it. Voices. Coming her way. Faith ducked back into the shadows, holding herself very still.
"So is the complete and total LACK of action seem a little weird to anyone else?" Xander had that goofball swagger going, and Faith was surprised to see him carrying what looked like an axe. So he was allowed around the shiny pointy things now? Faith hoped no one would lose and eye.
"And you are complaining? I say the fewer life threatening situations the better!" Willow is bouncing around and holding that blond girl's hand. 'HA! Knew it all along!'
The group had come to a stop in the clearing, about 50 feet from the crypt she was leaning on.
"I agree with Willow! The less 'action' around here, means the sooner we can get to the 'action' at home!" That came from the girl on Xander's arm... Anya or something like that, and Faith balked… Xander and 'action' do NOT belong in the same sentence.
"Guys you know we have to do a full sweep of the area. This threat could go active at any point. And can you all keep it down? It's no wonder we haven't seen any hostiles, you're giving them all the warning they need."
Just the sound of his voice had Faith grinding her teeth. Soldier boy was talking like he was runnin' the show or something. That fucker probably didn't know his own ass from a demon's. But she thought it strange that Buffy had remained quiet through the entire exchange. She couldn't really get a good look at the other slayer, what with the hulking mass of marine blocking the view and all.
But then she moved. And to Faith it was like the world had stopped spinning…everything slowing to reveal this one moment… this one girl, to her. Buffy stepped out from behind Riley and into the circle of light provided by the moon, the wind was whipping her hair around her face and she looked like some sort of goddess. And she was looking right at Faith.
And everything around her melted away.
The force of Buffy's stare hit her like well placed punch to the gut. It took away all her air. Faith was sure B couldn't really see her, she was too far away, hidden in the dark… but she could feel her. And Faith could feel the panic rising. She wasn't supposed know she was there, not yet… not with all the others around. Faith was sure for a minute that Buffy was going to say something, somehow alert the others, but as the seconds passed she remained quiet… green eyes intense and burning right into her own. It was like time had stopped. Faith could feel her heart pounding, trying to escape her chest.
"Buffy, did you hear me?" The ongoing conversation suddenly filtered back in. Willow laid her hand on her friend's shoulder and Buffy spun around as if surprised… time started up again.
Faith felt barren at the loss of her eyes.
"Umm sorry Will, kinda spaced out for a sec." Her tone was apologetic, but her eyes kept cutting back to Faith's hiding place. And Faith suddenly felt like a ball of energy… she couldn't help bouncing on the balls of her feet a little. Get rid of `em… just get rid of `em B.
"Is there something out there babe?" Riley pulled out a huge gun, and if that wasn't a statement on overcompensation, Faith didn't know what was. He was scouting around, hunched over a little looking like some kinda Rambo wannabe… actually, he was even wearing the face paint! What the fuck!?
"Ahh NO!" Buffy answered a little too quickly, but Riley had stepped in front of her again, supposedly shielding her from the assumed threat. Yeah right, this kid was a real piece of work.
"Nothing out there, just… I umm… thought I ahhh… heard something? But it's nothing."
Faith thought Buffy couldn't lie for shit, but all the scoobs just nodded… accepting the explanation. They looked like those bobble head dolls. Riley draped his arm over Buffy's shoulders. And even from that distance Faith could see her tense… none of the others did. Faith wanted to save her. Swoop in like a knight in shining leather and be all with the rescue. Every muscle in her body was tensed… screaming 'Mine!' She squashed the voice saying 'hurt him!' with minimal effort.
"I think Xander is right though, the lack of action is a little wiggy… I think our prehistoric vamp may be rounding up her kiddies." Buffy got back on the subject.
"Y-you mean like…building an army?" Tara spoke up cautiously and her gentle voice sent a pang of regret through Faith's chest… just one more thing she would have to fix. She added that near the top of the ever-growing list.
"Yeah possibly. But anyway things right now can't get much deader…"
"So! That means we can go and enjoy other types of action?!" The two witches were showing an appropriate amount of 'Eww' at Anya's comment.
"Ummm yeah…" So was Buffy. Faith held in a giggle. "There's no reason for all of us to be out here… there's really nothing we can do until this thing makes the first move…"
"Yes! And there are many moves that Xander and I should be making right now."
"Are you sure babe? Maybe we should check out some other spots." The 'hurt him!' voice was getting louder. Faith clenched her teeth. Come on B!
"No Riley, we're just wasting time here… besides it looks like a storm's about to come in. I think I'm gonna do one last sweep around here, could you walk every one home… maybe check in on Dawnie for me?"
Buffy was laying it on thick, all pouting lips and fluttering eyes, Faith knew Riley didn't have a chance. As if on cue, thunder rolled in the distance… freaky.
"Ok if you say so…" And with a quick kiss to the top of her blond head he was gone and suddenly, it was just the two of them.
Ok, so now what? Faith didn't have a clue. Funny how she had it all planned out, she knew the script by heart. What she hadn't planed on though, was the mass of emotions sweeping over her like a wave. They kept her paralyzed, kept her hiding.
But then she spoke.
"Faith…" It was so faint, and almost carried away on the wind, but Faith heard it and she was suddenly moving, then Buffy was moving and the distance between them became only a couple of feet.
Author's Note: Warning, the Troll wrote this part… the dirty bitch broke into my stash!
A strong and cool wind churned the night air into chaos, moving heavy clouds across a full but distant moon. Dead leaves danced swirls around them as the old pines and elms groaned their distress in an endless bending rustle. The undulating shadows made the cemetery sway… it would have been creepy. Faith could feel the electricity… she was breathing it.
"Faith…" Buffy took her hand as she spoke again. It felt like she was trying to confirm something. Lightening flashed above them… illuminating the scene in a crackling blue instant, and the energy flying between them was just as intense. Faith was having an 'outside moment'. One of those times that are imagined again and again, so much so that when faced with the reality, the mind is unable to comprehend it as truth. It was as if she was seeing it all from someone else's eyes.
Was she dreaming again?
It sure as hell didn't feel like it. The warmth of Buffy's hand in her own was proof enough to believe. Faith thought she had it all figured out. She would breeze back into town and make a fresh start. Her and B would have a few deep and meaningful moments, nothing too heavy of course. She knew it wasn't gonna be an easy ride, but this wasn't gonna be like in her dreams either, she had control here. She would have that ice-queen-cool vibe goin'. Play the part to a fuckin' T, and keep it light, be all with the smooth and even crack a few to lighten the mood.
Yeah that was gonna be the plan.
"Hey B," but Faith had forgotten all her lines.
"You're here?" Buffy said it like she was making a wish.
"Yeah."
"How long?"
"Just a few hours…stopped by the old place then came here… I wanted to-"
Faith's words came to an abrupt halt as one of Buffy's hands rose to her face…finger tips lightly tracing her jaw line. It took the breath right out of her.
"And this is real." Soft again, but this time it wasn't a question. Faith didn't know if that was good or bad.
"Is it ok, that I'm here I mean… I know we kinda… talked about it but I still did-oompff."
Faith was saved from further channeling Willow when she unexpectedly found herself wrapped in the other girl's arms. Ok, talk about being knocked on your ass, this was the last thing Faith had expected. The feeling of being completely surrounded by the other girl was unbelievable.
"I'm glad you're here ok... just stop with the babble." Every word was a breath right on her neck, and the gentle brush of Buffy's lips was enough to make her skin prickle…
Buffy was holding her so close. The fuckin plan was shot straight to hell.
"Ok…" It was all Faith could manage, she was so focused on the other girl's body pressed full length against her own. How she could feel every breath… every heartbeat. Faith brought her good arm around, her fingers lightly brushing the silky skin on the back of the blond girl's neck. She felt, more than heard Buffy's breath hitch at the touch… she felt her own pulse jump in her veins. Faith slid her hand down further to wrap tightly around the other girl's shoulders and the warmth was all consuming…a heat racing up and down her spine. The heady smell of roses and vanilla was pouring over her with every breath.
Things were shaking and Faith didn't know if it was the thunder or something else… something that they were making.
"Buffy I…" Faith felt the need to say something, break the spell that was overwhelming her senses and get back to the script. It was all too much… too good. It was too easy?
"Shut up F, I'm basking…" And with that Buffy tightened her hold, like she was trying to bury herself in Faith. And it took everything the dark slayer had not to moan at the engulfing heat. Buffy was actually moving, probably unaware that her hands were sliding up and down the other girl's back, moist and humid breath washing over her ear...
Faith shuddered `cause it felt like rapture.
She could feel her self falling, loosing herself in the utter perfection of the moment. With B's hips, her breasts pressing tightly against her own, arousal was settling across Faith's mind like a fog... and everything around her was getting lost to it. But then Buffy squeezed her tighter and it was like she was suddenly awake. Faith winced as her arm was jarred slightly… the minor pain waking her from the haze.
"Umm... ok B, but could you bask without some of the slayer strength? Kinda hurtin' my arm."
"What?" Buffy pulled back a bit, frowning at the arm that wasn't around her waist like it should be. Her eyes widened when she saw how Faith was holding it. She stepped back further, slow to break the contact between them.
"You're hurt! What the hell happened?"
"Couple of guys with wicked bad accents… Got a fondness for the crumpets and shiny guns..."
"Council?!"
"Bang-bang… you know those guys don't play fair, all we get is a stick of wood ya know and they-"
"Fuck!" Impressive, since when did B make with the naughty words?
"Whoa B! Potty mouth!"
"Faith, we SO don't need this right now, not on top of this latest baddie!"
Did Buffy just say 'we'? Faith was pretty sure she had. And she had to stop her right there. The Council was after HER, not Buffy, and Faith would be damned before she let those fuckers drag the other slayer down too. Make her pay for the mistakes Faith herself had made.
"B it's all good ok. I'm pretty sure I threw them off the trail, besides I figure Sunny-D is the LAST place they're gonna come lookin' for me." Faith knew it was the wrong thing to say the second it left her mouth, the light that had been in Buffy's eyes flashed to something dark, something from their past.
"So is THAT why you came back then!? All that stuff you said… on the train…"
"Buffy don't… please let's not Ok? I-I mean you know that's not the reason yeah?" Faith could only hope.
"Yeah… sorry. I just… sorry…" And Buffy did know, in fact she looked a little embarrassed at the outburst.
"Kinda hard to get over old times huh?"
"Yeah… But I want to try Faith… I want you… here."
And actually hearing it, Faith felt whole.
"Me too…this is where I'm supposed to be." They were both grinning like idiots now. They didn't care, it was all good again. Faith knew that this was her perfect moment. Staring into those ever changing pools of green, with the moon casting shadows all around them, and the wind announcing the chaos of the coming storm, Faith had found her peace.
And Buffy was feeling it too. Faith could see in the sudden sweep of amazement that settled across her features… parting her lips slightly. She could feel in the way Buffy's hand was squeezing her own. Faith could see it in her eyes. And she wanted to last forever… but it didn't. It ended when Buffy looked away, somewhat shyly to their joined hands. It was over, but it was ok, because they both had felt it.
They were STILL feeling it. That was made clear by the nervousness in Buffy's tone when she spoke.
"I can't believe those bastards SHOT you! Let me see…"
Before Faith knew it, hands were on her leather jacket, sliding it gently off her injured shoulder.
"Nah B, it's cool… I uh…." Faith was trying to stop her, but her voice just seemed to stop working when Buffy made contact with the bare skin of her shoulder… and suddenly that touch was all that existed.
"Does it hurt?" it was asked in a whisper.
Gently stroking fingertips… her hands felt so warm…
"N-not really…" And answered just as softly.
One sliding lightly down her arm, leaving sparks on her skin in its wake.
"It's already starting to heal…"
She was so close… the heat, radiating between them.
"Yeah…super powers…it's no big…"
She didn't know when it happened, but somehow the way Buffy was touching her changed. It became more deliberate… something full of intent. Faith was shaking, but she tried not to show it too much, tried not to react to Buffy's fingertips moving delicately over her collarbone…tracing feather light up to her neck. Thunder rolled somewhere in the distance and Faith could feel it in her bones…
Buffy's thumb brushed her ear.
"Uhh… what ya doin' B?" She tried to keep her voice even… but it came out like dark whisky. The hand on her neck slid in to her hair… nails raked against her scalp, and Buffy's body was once again pressed fully against her own.
"Not real sure F…"
"Gonna make me kiss you…"
And suddenly she was. It was cautious, a soft and hesitant brushing of lips. It lasted only a few seconds but to Faith it felt like forever. She didn't want it to end. The hand in her hair tightened and Faith heard what sounded like a husky whimper… she thought it funny that it came from her. But then Buffy pressed harder against her lips, and Faith couldn't think at all. The wet slide of Buffy's pink tongue over her lower lip became her entire world… Faith moaned again and it felt like surrender.
She pulled Buffy closer, letting her own hand sink into the thick strands of blond as her back was pressed against the cool stone of the crypt. Buffy's tongue was pressing against her own, sweeping over every part of her mouth… wet and possessive. Faith felt like she was being devoured, she was loving it. How could she ever have thought what happened in their dream could ever compare to this? Not even close.
She let her hands slide down, over the curve of spine and the gentle swell of hip to finally cup Buffy's ass. The thunder drowned out the desperate groan, but Faith could feel it against her lips. She swallowed it and pushed her tongue against the roof of the other girl's mouth…jerked her closer, squeezing hard. She felt B moan again… felt herself being pressed harder against the wall of the crypt… a hand slide down her thigh, lifting it up…
And then it was Faith's turn to groan.
"Mmgguuhh… B."
At the feel of a slim but solid thigh pressing hard between her own, she broke her mouth away, panting into the night air… she could see her breath. Her eyes fluttered as Buffy started to rock against her… grinding into her heat in a slow hard rhythm… Faith saw the undeniable lust clouding Buffy's face.
And it was so fucking hot. Her breath hitched in her chest as she felt herself flood in a hot thick stream.
Faith took in the hooded green eyes… almost black in the scarce light, the parted lips, swollen and glistening from her kisses… Lips that were moving. What was she saying?
"…Faith… want you Faith…" Harsh and breathless…Faith had never heard anything like it. She couldn't stop her own hips from jerking, picking up the pace the blond slayer was setting, slow hard circles. The pressure on her clit was almost too much, wet and rough, sliding bare against the seam of her jeans as Buffy pressed so perfectly against her… she'd never felt so hard, so slick and wet. Faith was shivering with every thrust… and it was still nowhere near what she needed.
"…want you bad …"
Buffy's other hand was hot on her stomach sliding up over the smooth skin… fingertips tickling her ribs, and Faith sank both her hands into the tangled blond mass. She pulled the other girl's mouth back to her own, silencing the desperate whispers. And Buffy groaned…
Her name.
And Faith thought she could come just from the sound of it. She suddenly felt feral. She actually growled as her hands slid back down the other girl's body, finding their way under her shirt to touch the silk of Buffy's back… then around to cup the softness of her breasts. They fit so perfect in her hands.
She squeezed. Buffy moaned.
"Uunnhhhh." It sounded so damn frantic, she had to hear it again… and again. She let her fingers drag slowly over the incredibly hard tips… pulling at the lacey material.
"Oh god… Faith…baby…"
Baby? Faith was sure she was dreaming now. But she took the other girl's nipples and started pinching them, rolling them.
"Ahhh… fuck baby… fuck."
Nope, no dream.
Buffy's face was buried in her neck panting hard and licking the skin there, her hand still sliding over Faith's stomach… hips still grinding that slow rhythm that was driving her fucking insane. Faith was absolutely drenched, she could feel her abs clutch with every sweep of B's fingertips… an intense throbbing spreading through her cunt. Her clit twitched every time that hot tongue slid over her pulse. She tried to pick up the pace of their hips, relieve some of the aching need in her pussy, but Buffy kept it at a slow hard grind, those fingers leaving paths of fire over her skin. But then that wondering hand went a little lower, and she touched it.
The other it… the scar.
And it was like someone slammed on the breaks. Buffy's hand jerked back so fast… her whole body jerked back, but Faith was already reaching for her… hands on those curvy pointy hips. All that desperate aggression just melted.
"B it's ok…" But Buffy was shaking her head no.
"No Faith… I-I did that… to you... hurt you."
"Yeah you did, it's ok though… I needed it." Faith cupped her hands around Buffy's face as she brought her mouth down in a soft brush… moist lips sliding back and forth.
"You saved me B… and it's ok," and then she was kissing her again… pulling Buffy's tongue back in her mouth, sucking it gently, her thumbs stroking her cheeks… over a drop of wetness. Tears? Was B crying?
Faith pulled back just in time to see another cool drop splash onto her face, then one landed on own. Rain. Buffy brought a hand up to her face, following the droplets with her fingers. Her fingers were followed by her lips… which were soon back on Faith's lips. And the kisses turned desperate again before either realized it.
Buffy's hands were under her shirt again, skipping over the bleak memory and heading right for Faith's needy tits. The first brush of a thumb over her aching hard nipple had Faith groaning again.
"Oh god B…" She was on fire and even the rain that was starting to pour down on them couldn't cool her.
"Faith… I wanna touch…" Buffy was pulling her nipples now, and that solid thigh was back between her legs. Their clothes were fastly becoming soaked, clinging to oversensitive skin.
"Fuck yeah…" Was all Faith could groan as she pushed her chest forward, trying to get more contact with Buffy's touch. Her hands were back in the blond's hair. Wet tresses clinging and tangling around her fingers. Her hips started a frantic grind.
A trembling hand was sliding down her stomach.
"Faith?" That other hand was still fuckin with her nipple… twisting a little, brushing over the tip. Faith felt her belt then her jeans being undone.
"S'ok B…" Buffy could have done anything she wanted to her at that moment… any thing but stop. Faith worked her hands back under Buffy's shirt, her hands trailing over wet skin, the rain was spilling over them in rivers. Faith cupped her hands over the other girl's breasts again, rougher this time.
"Mmmmnnuhh" B groaned against her lips then pulled back as her hand slipped into Faith's pants.
Inches away and their eyes locked. Faith was panting so hard she was scared she was gonna pass out as Buffy's delicate fingers cautiously ran over the short cropped hair over her mound. But when one of those fingers brushed her clit she stopped breathing all together.
But only for an instant. Because once Buffy realized her discovery each breath became a moan. Faith couldn't pull her eyes away from the sharp green that was focused on her. It looked like Buffy couldn't believe how wet Faith was, how hot and ready to be fucked she felt.
"Buffy… oh god… B you gotta…" Faith was beyond ready. Buffy's finger was rolling over her clit in slow circles, with only the slightest of pressure. Faith was going nuts, She felt so swollen…so raw. She could feel her pussy already starting to make those desperate little clutches, but Buffy wasn't giving her near enough.
"Faith I don't… tell me how baby."
"H-harder…." It was all she could manage and her eyes slammed shut as the request was instantly met.
Buffy not only started rubbing her harder, but faster too, fingers impossibly slick from the rain and the dark girl's pussy. Faith's hips picked up and the rhythm grinding back in desperation. She needed to come. Buffy had her at that grating edge. So fuckin close but she couldn't get there.
Her hands were sliding over Buffy's back, nails digging into the rain- dampened softness. Buffy was kissing her again, and all Faith could do was pant against her mouth. It was hot and slick and messy and Buffy just pushed a finger inside of her.
"Uuunngghh!" That finger quickly became two.
"Is that good Faith? Like this?" B whispered against her ear as her fingers pumped in and out in that same hard fast pace.
Buffy was fucking her. It was fucking surreal, and she was gonna come so fuckin' hard.
"Shit B Don't stop… don'tstopdon'tstop!" She could feel Buffy's eyes on her as her back started to arch…wet hair whipping around her face… hips bucking out of control, trying frantically to keep the pace. Her pussy started gripping those fingers… pulling them in deeper, the moisture spilling out of her, hot and sticky. She was coating Buffy's fingers. Faith could hear the wet smacking noises they were making and it just sent her right to the brink.
"Beautiful...." She heard the whisper over the rain, over the thunder, over the rushing in her head and it pushed her over that edge.
"Uuuunnnggh…God!!! BUFFY!" Faith screamed so hard her throat went raw. Buffy's fingers started to slow until it was nothing more than a gentle stroking. Her legs we jell-o.
"…beautiful… so beautiful baby…" Buffy was mumbling softly to her as Faith's hearing started to filter back in. She blinked her eyes, and she told her self it was the rain clouding her vision. Faith brought their lips together as she attempted to calm the pounding in her chest.
But she couldn't, if anything Faith's heart beat faster as she pulled away to stare at the blond slayer. The rain pouring over her skin, matting her hair… lips so swollen and parted as she breathed, but it always came back to those eyes. Swimming with desire and so much longing…
"Love you B…" The words were out before Faith could even think to stop them and if Buffy hadn't been a slayer she wouldn't have heard it.
But she was. And she did. Faith held her breath.
"Show me."
Faith had every intention of doing just that. Their positions were reversed before Buffy had a chance to blink. Faith pressed her into the wet stone, their bodies sliding against each other as she let her hand make idle patterns over Buffy's flat stomach. Buffy's hips had already started rocking against her own again… all deep groans and urgency. She needed it… she had to be so worked up, Faith could smell it over the rain, she could hear those needy little whimpers in here ear.
But then she heard something else… and fuck if it wasn't the LAST thing she wanted to hear. She jerked back, ripping her body away from the heat of Buffy's, and she almost wanted to cry. She had her pants done up in seconds and was running trembling hands through wet hair as she met the other girl's eyes.
Confusion…pain… fear. Shit she had to get outta here.
"Faith?" The frailty in Buffy's voice kept her feet planted in the soaking grass. No time to explain. Faith could only hope Buffy would understand, but a fog had seemed to settle over her. Faith got a sinking in her gut.
And then the world started to end.
"Buffy?! Are you still around here? Ya know we got back the truck a and realized I don't have a key to the house…" He came stomping around from behind another nearby crypt.
"Riley!? Hey! I…" Buffy awakened from her stupor lust and confusion with a jump.
He stepped closer, shielding his eyes from the rain.
"Who's tha… FAITH?!"
And that wasn't the worst of it.
No, that wasn’t the worst of it. Not even close. It wasn’t when the rest of the gang came charging ‘round the same corner, waving their flashlights and knocking into each other like dominoes. It wasn’t even the high-pitched man-scream that Xander let loose the minute he saw me.
Nah, some things are to be expected I suppose.
“Buffy! Get the hell away from her!” Riley hollers as he draws that excessively large gun. Please, I can feel my eyes rollin’. But that ain’t the worst of it either.
The rain is finally starting to let up. Going from an all out downpour to a slight drizzle. ‘Sunny’-dale my ass. Lightning is still exploding behind rust-colored clouds, like flashes of paparazzi. And the whole world, in this hollow red second, feels like it's waiting. This is all so surreal.
I look around at all of them in a quick gesture, my wet hair whipping around and blocking my vision some. Everyone is just standing there, the light rain wetting their clothes matting their hair, but it can’t wash away the shock on their faces. They would look like statues if it weren’t for the small puffs of breath I can see in the chilled air. It almost feels like I’m watching the whole scene unfold, like I’m outside myself. And all by myself.
No one has said anything, and Riley’s words still hang frozen over us all. It looks like it's up to me to try and diffuse this situation some… I’m so screwed.
“Look, just chill ok guys?” I put my hands up as I say it, hoping soldier boy will turn the testosterone down just a bit. But my words just seem to set everybody off, it’s a sudden chaos and the force of it seems to hit me in the chest.
“What?!” From Xander.
“Are you KIDDING ME!” Riley again. It’s all at once.
“You, BITCH! You expect us to CHILL?!” And I swear I have never seen Red look this cold, so hard and full of hate. Willow takes a few steps towards us, one look at her tells me she’s not that shy, timid little slip of a girl that I met the first night I rolled into this town.
No, she has new eyes now. They’re directed at me and it’s frightening. Something very dark is running through that girl. She’s changed. It’s all changed.
But that’s still not the worst of it.
The wind picks up again and the ground shakes with the vibration of thunder, tiny pinpricks of water stinging our faces.
“Sweetie h-hold on a sec we don’t know w-what’s going on…” It amazes me how Tara’s voice can be so gentle, in the face of all this madness. She’s looking right at me, rain drops clinging to her lashes like clear pearls… and I feel anger from her too, but the compassion there gives me hope.
It’s short-lived, of course.
“Oh I know what’s going on! The psychotic uber-bitch is back to murder us all!!” Xander chimes in and promptly returns to his hiding place… behind his girl. But his eyes still tell me he meant every damn word. I remember his eyes, when I saw them tangled in clean white sheets in a dirty little motel room. All youth and innocent wonder. He looks older now.
This is all getting so far outta control. This isn’t how it’s supposed to happen. Everyone is shouting, at each other, at me, at Buffy. It’s all a whirlwind of confusion. Noise and venom swirling with the rain, making the air a bitter cold that I can taste.
She hasn’t said a word. It's like she’s frozen in her panic, her fear and… regret? Fuck what kinda game is she playin’… I want her to say something, anything. I want her to step closer to me to take my hand ‘cause mine are shaking so bad right now.
My lips still ache from her kisses, I can still feel her body pressing into me… inside me, soft and hard at the same time …so warm. I need to see her eyes. Like in our dream I could see into her soul, all that hazel light pourin’ over me tellin’ me without any words that it was all gonna be Ok.
And I NEED that now.
“Buffy look at me…?” my voice is soft but I know she can hear it. I hate the pleading tone of it but I just can’t help it. I’m gettin’ desperate here! I gotta know what she’s thinkin’ if she’s still feeling what we had just a few minutes ago… before everything got shot to hell.
I need her eyes, but she looks away. She looks confused. And that one instant hurts so fuckin’ bad.
So this is the worst of it then. And all of a sudden it becomes strikingly, painfully clear what’s gonna happen next.
I wish I were dreaming…
“I-I… everybody just SHUT UP!!” I can hear the panic in her voice… it trembles. All the noise suddenly stops. She won’t look at me.
And I feel myself breaking… frail slivers of glass. I miss my nightmare.
Lightning suddenly flashes close. Striking a nearby tree and everybody jumps. I can’t seem to move though. A flaming branch comes crashes to the ground illuminating everything in flickering shades of red.
There’s no getting outta this one now. It's one of those ‘back against the wall’ type moments I can feel this tension building, it's rushing through my veins and it's pure fight or flight.
And I’m so fuckin’ sick of running.
“Listen! I- I just need everyone to…to just calm down for minute!” she takes a step away from me when she says this… it feels like miles. I feel my jaw clench, teeth grinding as I try not to scream. Please tell me this ain’t happening.
“We’re listening babe, just tell us what the hell is goin’ on. Did she try to hurt you!?” I hear the safety click off Riley’s gun, his thumb sliding over it like an after thought. Would it really be that easy? Is that all I am?
“What!? Riley no!” B says, and she walks over to him, putting a hand on his raised arm. “Put that damn thing away!”
He obeys like a good little puppy. Buffy stays next to him though, and I can feel my muscles tense, the Slayer in me makin’ ‘em burn. I need to run, or I’m gonna hit somethin’… hard. I know what’s comin’… I know what she’s gonna start spitting excuses, half lies that got nothin’ to do with what’s really happening here. And I feel like such an idiot, how could I have thought… GOD I thought she understood! Was it all just in my head? Was I just foolin’ myself here?
He drapes a massive arm over her shoulders. I wanna rip it off.
“Yeah, just explain it to ‘em B.” Explain it to ME damn it! My voice sounds tight… strained. It’s not because of the lump in my throat… it's not ‘cause my eyes are burning… It's ‘cause I wanna shout.
Why, Buffy?!
It all happened so fast, there had been so much need in her eyes…I can still hear those desperate whispers in my head… she said she wanted me, I said I loved…
Oh... Fuck….
“Umm well…” She starts eyes darting. Just like a script, she can’t lie for shit. “Faith just got here and...”
“Shouldn’t she be in jail!?” Xander throws in.
“Yeah, umm… well I don’t know what’s up with that but... ah…”
“Well, why is she HERE?” He interrupts again. And I wait… we all wait.
“I – I don’t know…” She says it soft, eyes on the ground. I expect to see my heart there. All busted open and bleedin’… I know she can feel me, warm tingles should be a comfort right now… but it just makes me feel dirty. How can she just throw me away?! “I don’t know what she’s doing here…” She meets my eyes then… with that dirty lie on her kiss-swollen lips. And just for a second I let her see it all… let her see how I’m destroyed, and then I throw down the shutters, ‘cause cold and indifferent is what I do.
Did I really expect more than this though? For her to stand up for ME? The one that hurt them all so deep, cut them to the core? Did I expect her to really believe how I’ve changed… how it's all different now? How it's ALWAYS for her? All for her…
I guess I did… I guess that’s why I feel my soul is in tatters.
“She um, just escaped…maybe? And I don’t know if she’s got a… ah… plan? Or something…so maybe we should talk… cause’ ya know, talking is um… good?”
B’s really on a roll, but I stopped listening a while ago. It's all just kinda numb now. And yeah, REALLY can’t lie for shit. But the gang all buys it… appropriate frowns of concern on their faces. Puppets. I gotta get outta here.
“Yeah, talk…” I hear Xander agree.
“Right. Care to explain then… Faith?” Willow spits out my name as she steps forward, closer to me than any normal person would dare. I finally tore my eyes off of B and I realize… Red ain’t so normal, not anymore, and not by a long shot. Her blue eyes flash to black for half a second and I gotta take a step back.
“Willow, don’t! j-just let her talk…” Tara grabs her girl and now all eyes are on me…
Fuck, I’m so screwed.
What am I doing? I can’t believe what I just said. Of course I know why she’s here! She told me on the train… in that safe warm fantasy. She proved it by showing up tonight… open and trusting and real… she gave me everything. Her eyes just so full of…
Oh... Fuck...
I look down at my hands, the rain has washed away her warmth… but I can still feel it, desperate clutches around my fingers. God, I was inside her, more than her body… in her soul. It was a soft, hot heaven… she gave it to me, and now, this is hell. The look in her eyes was devastating. Pain, regret and fear… it looked like she was torn apart. I did that. But that’s gone now and all that’s left in her is ice.
Willow just threw down the gauntlet, and Faith looks ready to bolt. I gotta fix this. She’s gotta know that I didn’t mean for it to go this way. I need to get her alone again.
I should have said it back…
“What are you doing here Faith!” Will demands, and I watch as that slow grin pulls over Faith’s mouth. It’s that old Faith smirk and I realize with a gasp that I can’t feel her anymore.
A new wave of panic washes through me.
I want to take it back… I want to go back to just a few minutes ago. Before it all went so wrong. Back to when I could feel her heart pounding with mine… so nervous we were both shaking, but wanting it too much to stop. Where she was calling my name, coming in my arms, holding me so tight, like she was scared I would ever leave her. God I didn’t think I could.
“Well Red, thought I’d come back and re-live some old times…” She cocks her hip, she lifts an eyebrow… “Shake things up a little, been a wicked long time and all.” She’s playing a part... putting that ominous thread in her voice. I don’t know if it’s for my sake or to protect her self… maybe a little bit of both. But God, she sounds so dead… now that I know her real voice… thick with longing. She told me I saved her…
But I’ve killed her now. And the knowledge of it feels like a knife to my gut.
That’s some irony.
“Faith don’t…” I sound like I’m begging… I wish I could drop to my knees. I finally get Riley’s arm off of me and take a step towards her. I feel myself stumble a little.
I can still taste her kiss…
“Don’t what B?” she’s so hollow. I’m so sorry Faith. I can’t even speak, it's like her glare freezes the words in my throat… I’ve lost her.
“D-don’t do this…” I’m trying damn hard to keep the tears from falling but I can still hear them in my voice. I wish I didn’t have to talk in this damn code. She scoffs, like she can’t believe I’m even trying. But I’ve GOT to try...
Everyone is just standing around now, watching Faith and I have our own little silent showdown. It's one sided though, ‘cause her eyes aren’t talking to me anymore… she’s gone. I have to bite my lip to keep the sob from escaping my chest. I can’t let the others know… they wouldn’t understand it… hell I barely understand it!
Through all this tension time is drawing out like a blade… the seconds cold and unforgiving. Then she looks away, shaking her head in a dismissive motion.
“Look I didn’t come back here lookin’ for a fight ok?” She begins, and she sounds defeated.
“Oh well that’ll be a first now wouldn’t it?” Xander again with the sarcasm, please somebody shut him up! I see Faith’s eyes narrow and I can feel her muscles tense even from 5 feet away.
“Think you can take me Xan?” She looks him up and down with a smirk and it's like everyone is holding their breath. Waiting for her to make a move. It's so silent it's creepy, like more creepy than the average grave yard.
But things never stay quiet on the hell mouth.
There is something you should never do in this town… and despite the years of experience I always seem to fall into the trap. Just when you think things can’t possibly get any worse… that’s exactly when they do.
The first one came out of nowhere, and Riley is knocked on his back before any of us can even blink.
“What the hell?!” I hear him shout and he’s already trying to scramble to his feat, looking for what blindsided him.
And that has to be the ugliest… vamp? I have ever seen!! It's kinda small, no hair, its hands look more like claws and I can hardly tell the difference between its skin and the shredded leather it's wearing as clothes. And God what is that smell?! Its eyes glow orange as it lets out a fierce growl, and two more just like it emerge from the shadows.
There is a moment of absolute stillness before all hell breaks loose. And this happens to be the only spot on the planet where such a thing can actually happen. I see a flash a brown hair as Faith sprints past me catching the first stinky son of a bitch with a hard right that should’ve sent the thing flying.
Yeah, it should have. Instead it turns its head back to her, its morbid features contort into what I can only guess is a smile. Faith looks totally shocked for a second before the thing lashes out and sends her sailing through the air. She smashes into a gravestone with a sickening ‘crack’ and I feel my heart stop for a second.
It starts up again as she pushes herself to her feet with a groan.
“Ok so maybe X-man was right…” It's mumbled as she pulls a stake from her jacket. I do the same and suddenly it's on.
Me, Faith and Riley jump right into it, each of us taking an uber-vamp and proceeding to get our asses thoroughly kicked. These things are strong. I’m taking blows left and right, so fast I can hardly keep up, so hard it's dizzying. I know Faith can’t be doing any better, especially with her injured arm.
I see Riley slam into the muddy ground and I know he’s out for the count. The thing doesn’t even try to bite him though, it just turns its attention to Faith. Luckily, I just got the upper hand on the one I was fighting slam the stake in hard as I can. I look into the thing’s face, where I should’ve seen it dissolving to dust before my eyes…
Again, should have. I dodge the counter blow as I try to see how Faith is doing.
“Faith! Look out!!” I shout and she spins around just in time to dodge a blow from her second attacker. She plunges her stake into its chest and again, nothing happens. She gets a kick to the ribs for her trouble and I see her spitting out blood as she hits the ground.
This is so not good.
“Buffy!” Xander shouts from behind me and tosses his axe. I catch it, spin around, and slice the vamp’s head off all in one motion. It poofs with a piercing howl. Finally!
But Xander’s yell had drawn attention to the rest of the group. One of them charges so fast I can barely see it. But I see Will’s eyes go black. The Vamp pauses its attack when it sees this, and if it was capable of fear it was definitely feeling it at that moment. It’s suddenly on fire before anyone realized what’s happening. When did she learn to do THAT?! She falls into Tara’s arms, obviously drained.
“Darkness be your tomb!! Mother!! SHE IS RISEN!!” The thing on fire manages to screech before it bursts into ashes. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
I turn to see Faith kick the last one off of her, and I quickly run/limp to try to help. She’s back on her feet again and about to attack when the vamp seems to realize that it’s the only one left. It takes off in a flash disappearing into the murky drizzle. None of us are in to shape to follow
Faith turns to face me then, breathing hard and bleeding. The creepy silence is back. I take a step closer to her, I want to hold her make sure she’s ok… not just physically. I need her to know I messed up, I just got a little freaked. God, I need her to…
Understand… oh so this is what it’s like.
She’s trembling slightly and I know it’s a mix of pain and adrenaline. I’m feeling it too. That dark part of me that loves the hunt, lusts for the kill. It’s rushing through my veins telling my body to sprint after that last vamp, screaming for me to grab Faith and crush that soft powerful body against mine.
I hate this part! I need to be rational right now, figure out this situation. I need to take care of my friends. But I don’t feel rational and that dark part of me has forgotten that my friends are even here. All that’s there is the need, it’s a primal fire and I can see it burning in Faith’s eyes too.
She steps closer and I feel my breath hitch in my chest. Her voice is liquid and rough when she starts to speak.
“You ok B?”
“What the fuck were those things!” Xander shouts, panic still in his voice. So I don’t get a chance to answer. To tell her how much I want US to be ok.
I turn and see him helping my boyfriend to his feet as Tara and Anya help Willow to rest against the wall of the crypt. The same wall I had Faith pressed into just a while ago… I swallow back the lust so they won't hear it in my voice. It’s hard to do.
“I- I don’t know.” Damn I seem to be saying that a lot.
“We need to get out of here, tell Giles, regroup.” Ok that’s better, fearless leader. I turn back to Faith, fully intending on bringing her into the mix. Getting her home and safe where I can fully explain to everyone what the hell is going on here… well maybe not fully.
But I can’t, because she’s gone.
...continued in part 11...