Knowing When
by [R]
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Joss is god, I’m just playing at his altar.
Spoilers: I guess anything up to and including season five is fair game.
Author's Notes: Erm...Buffy and Faith are friends now, blah blah blah...
Dedication: SieSie. ILYA&F
Feedback: Oh hell yeah...
I’m so bored. No, I don’t mean slightly bored, I mean wicked bored. I’ve been sitting here for like a half hour already. All she said she was gonna do was get changed. What’s she doing up there? Using acid to burn off her skin and waiting for a new layer to grow?
Ok, so I’m not the patient type. Come to think of it, I’m as far away from patient as you can get. I wait for Buffy though. I always do. I’m not whipped though. No, not me. Never whipped.
Ok, so I’m lying. So sue me.
We were supposed to be at the Bronze twenty minutes ago. Shades Of Grey are playing, and they are such a cool band. B promised me that we wouldn’t miss them. After all, I had to go ice skating the other week, it’s my turn to pick something to do this week.
I look at the clock on the wall again. It’s just not normal to take this long getting ready.
‘She’ll be down in a few minutes Faith, stop being so impatient.’ That was Joyce, Buffy’s mom. She’s cool. Lets me take Buffy when ever and where ever I want, as long as I bring her back in one piece.
Don’t be so dirty minded, I don’t mean take her like that. I wish. Oops. Wasn’t supposed to say that. Never mind.
I’m pacing at this point. I really don’t wanna miss the band.
‘B!’ I shout up the stairs. I can heard Joyce chuckling over the other side of the room.
‘I’m nearly ready!’
‘Come on B! They’ll be finished by the time you’re ready!’
Then I look up the stairs, and I think my jaw hits the floor. She stood there, wearing these black leather pants and this red halter top. Her hair’s falling down around her shoulders, and it’s not curly tonight. I like it better straight. Not a word.
She looks perfect, like she always does.
‘Fashion tip F: mouth looks better closed.’ She whispers to me as she walks past.
I snap my jaw shut and watch her as she kisses her mom and tells her that we won’t be late.
Won’t be late my ass. We’re always late. We’re never not late. If there was a prize for tardiness, we’d win it.
Then we’re outside, climbing onto the back of my bike, fastening our helmets and I love the feeling of her wrapping her arms around my waist and holding on tight. She knows me way too well.
I rev the engine and smile as I peel out of the driveway, heading towards the Bronze. This is gonna be a great night. We aren’t even gonna be that late either. Makes a change.
The Bronze is so crowded. And hot. Did I mention hot? Cause it is. But, talking about hot, my partner in crime is kinda defining that word at the moment. I have no idea when I started to place words like, fine, hot and beautiful in the same sentence as Faith. All I know, is that I really don’t care.
Willow, Tara, Xander and Anya should be somewhere about. They said they’d be here. They probably wouldn’t be if it wasn’t Faith’s birthday. Not that Faith knows that I know. Not that she knows that I told the others. She’s so gonna kill me.
Shades Of Grey are just finishing up their first set. Damn. Now she’s gonna shout at me. And I owe her ten bucks. She bet me that we wouldn’t get here before they finished their first set. Damn. Never gonna hear the end of this one.
‘Drink?’ She whispers into my ear from behind me. It sends shivers down my back.
‘Sure. Oh! There’s everyone else.’ She makes her way over to the bar, and I make my way over to the gang. They’ve claimed the table that’s directly in the middle of the bathrooms, the dance floor and the bar. The best table ever!
Ok, so I’m babbling to cover up for now being incredibly turned on. You’re not supposed to point things like that out. I know I’m turned on. It’s not my fault!
‘Hey guys. We all set?’ I jump onto the nearest stool before my legs buckle. I told you, it’s not my fault.
‘Ready to rock. Just don’t make me look stupid slayer.’ Spike says as he comes up to the table, trying valiantly to hide the present he’s got for Faith beneath his coat.
‘You do that just fine on your own Spike. No help from me needed.’
A drink lands in front of me.
‘Ok, before y’all really embarrass me with the pressy’s you’ve got me, I wanna dance.’ I don’t even get a chance to take a sip of my drink before I’m pulled off my chair and dragged onto the dance floor.
‘How did you know Faith! You always ruin my surprises!’ I’m whining. I’m well aware of that, you don’t need to point it out to me.
‘I’m gifted like that babe.’
I don’t argue. It wouldn’t matter if I did anyway. She always wins, one way or another.
Yeah, ok, so I knew what she was up to. Don’t look at me like that. I hate being embarrassed, and I know that they’re all gonna do that. How? Well, I knew that the gang wouldn’t be at the Bronze unless B begged them to come. And she usually wouldn’t unless she had something planned.
Anyway, back to the dance floor. The music rocked, and Shades Of Grey were back on again. The line at the bar was really long.
/Deception is the way you work, The way I know you play. I can see it in your eyes, Every time you look my way. It burns me to know, To even think the same. But I know you don’t, Feel, feel the way I do. You play your game, And mess with my head. And everytime you win, So I let you play your game/
This song was playing a little too close to home, if you asked me, but I wouldn’t have left that dance floor if you paid me. I couldn’t take my eyes of her.
I know, I know. But she just looks so damn sexy and beautiful. And she’s dancing so close to me that I think my head’s gonna spin around and fall off.
/How do you think it makes me feel, To watch you play your game? It wouldn’t bother usually, But I know you're playing with me. Push me around, Wrap me round your finger. But I won’t give in to your lies, To your heart breaking deception/
‘Come on Faith. Time to open your presents.’ And she’s pulling me off the dance floor, and I let her. You should know that I hate people telling me what to do. But somehow, she can get away with it.
For the next ten minutes, I’m tearing through all this crappy colored wrapping paper like a three year old at Christmas. It’s been a long time since anyone cared enough to get me something for my birthday.
A stake with protection symbols carved all over it. That was from Red and Tara. A new t.v, from Xander and Anya. A leather coat from spike. A set of house keys from Joyce. I told you the woman was cool. There was note with it. It said that now I wouldn’t have to knock to be there all the time. Dawn got me a key chain. It was a little sliver thing on a chain that had the word ‘slayer’ imprinted onto it.
‘So where’s my present from you huh B?’ She just looks at me and gives me that really evil smile that tells me I have another surprise in store. I think I may be frightened.
‘*F*.’
Now I know I’m in trouble.
I am so nervous right now. I don’t even know if she feels the same as me. I don’t even know if she likes me like that. Ok, so that was pretty much saying the same thing twice, but hey, like I said: I’m nervous.
Everyone else left the Bronze, so I suggested taking a walk. I’m just delaying until the right time. The right time being when my mom leaves to go to the conference in Denver.
Maybe she won’t feel the same as me, maybe she just wants to be friends. In that case, it’s ok. But just in case she doesn’t, I want the house to be empty when we get back there. Because if she does, I really don’t want anyone just wandering into my room when I’m giving Faith her ‘present’.
It’s started to rain. Not the cold rain that feels like it’s slicing up your skin, but the kind of rain that comes in heavy, lazy droplets and is really warm. Like tropical rain.
She just stands there, holding out her arms with her face up towards the sky. She’s got her eyes closed and there’s this little smile that’s playing across her lips, like this is the first time that she’s been out in the rain by choice, and is really loving it.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so beautiful.’ She looks at me now, that same smile on her lips and she just winks at me. ‘I just said that out loud, didn’t I?’
She nods, and I groan, and it’s all with the noises now. I can’t believe I just did that.
‘Come over here B.’
‘Why?’ I say, but I go over to her anyway. We’re looking at each other, and I guess I have that same smile on my lips, because she traces them with her index finger, like she’s suddenly fascinated with them. ‘What’s over here?’
‘Me. Think you can handle that?’ We’ve moved closer now. We’re not touching, but any movement would cause us to be flush up against each other.
‘I’m pretty sure I can.’
She doesn’t say anything else. She doesn’t have to. Not that she could. Because now she’s kissing me. Feather touches on my lips. Touches that any normal person just wouldn’t feel at all. But I’m not normal, and I can feel those touches in every part of my body.
I think I’ve stopped breathing.
This is unreal. I’m stood, in the middle of Sunnydale, while the rain is coming down, while my clothes are being plastered to my body, and I’m kissing B. I don’t mean the light peck on the cheek kinda kiss. I mean: full lips kiss.
You know the kind right? Where our lips are hardly even touching, but I can feel it. And my mouth opens and my tongue moves out slowly and connects with hers. Everytime that happens I feel like my legs are gonna buckle out from under me.
But that’s not the part I’m having a hard time processing. The thing I’m having a hard time with is the fact that she’s kissing me back. I don’t mean in a hesitant, doubtful kinda way. I mean in a way that I know she wants to kiss me, and she’s not thinking that I’m anyone else.
But it’s all over way too soon. We’re pulling away from each other, and smiling in this really goofy way at each other. And then she winks at me. Like she’s telling me that this isn’t the last time that we’re gonna be kissing.
Which, for me, is the best present I could have ever wished for.
Now, usually, this is the part were there’s an un-comfortable silence, where we can’t think of a thing to say to each other or anything.
Except, that it’s not. The rain’s still going, and we’ve just started walking again. Except our fingers are laced together as we walk, and it’s like there’s no need for words, or for us to speak.
I think she knows that I’m just taking the long way to get to my house. And I know that she’s still trying to figure out what her present is. I haven’t told her, but she keeps asking what it is. I just smile at her with my patent evil smile and say nothing.
And all too soon we’re back at my house. I’m relieved to find that mom’s car has gone, then I’m glad that Dawn wanted to stay at her friends tonight. And then I’m back to being nervous.
I just hope I’m a good enough actress to hide it.
I’m a little surprised to find that we’re back at B’s already. Not that I’m complaining, I still don’t know what my present is. I haven’t got a clue. And she’s so stubborn, she just won’t tell me what it is.
She’s shaking slightly as we reach the front door. I know it’s not because of the rain, because that’s all warm and stuff. And she’s almost never scared, so I just have to wonder what she’s got planned.
I don’t really have much time to process all these thoughts properly though, because as soon as the doors shut behind us, my back’s against it and we’re kissing again. It’s more hungry this time though, more passionate.
And then it clicks. I know what my present is. If it was anyone else giving it to me I wouldn’t take it. But this is B here. Just looking at her gets me all hot and bothered.
She’s shaking because she’s nervous. Because she’s never felt like this for a woman before, because she’s never given herself to a woman before. Well, that’s my guess anyway.
So I guess I’m just gonna have to let her go at whatever pace she wants. It’s been a long time since I was the submissive one.
I know what she’s thinking. I know that she’s figured it out by now, what her present is. I know that she’s thinking that I’m shaking because I’ve never been with another woman before.
Well she’s wrong. About me shaking, not about me being with another woman before. Because I haven’t. Been with another woman before. Where was I?
That’s not the reason I’m shaking. I’m shaking for the same reason I did when I was with Angel that night. For the reason I never shook with Riley, or with Parker.
This isn’t just sex with someone I kinda like. This is making love with a person I L...really, really, really like. I have all those questions running around in my head too. You know the ones right? Does she feel the same? Will I be good? Will they like what I do? Will I bring them to or...the edge and over?
‘Come on.’ I say, breaking the kiss as I take her hand and lead her up the stairs. ‘Time for your present.’
‘Is it something I’m gonna like?’ I know she’s teasing me. I can hear it in her voice, even if I’m not looking at her face.
‘Maybe. That all depends on what you like.’
She doesn’t answer. Mainly because we’ve reached my room and we’re kissing again. I can feel her hands on my back, tracing little patterns there. I’m concentrating on those movements, because if I don’t, I know my legs’ll give out from under me and I’ll end up on the floor.
I reach up with my fingers and run them through her hair before trailing them down her neck. I stop at the top button of her shirt and I’m so overcome with passion that I really just wanna rip it off and take her right there where she stands.
I stop myself though. That isn’t the way that I want this to go. So I start to un-button her shirt, running my finger tips slowly over the newly exposed flesh. Once I’ve done with the buttons, I run my hands back up her stomach and chest, under her shirt, till I reach her shoulders. That’s when I push the shirt away from her, causing her arms to drop, as the piece of clothing slides off her body and lands on the floor with a soft swishing sound.
And then I realise, that without me even knowing, she’s taken off my halter top, while I’ve been taking off her shirt.
She’s pulled away from me, and is looking down at herself. She has this little look of surprise on her face, like she had no idea of what I was doing. Which I guess is quite funny, except I don’t laugh, and neither does she.
I’m getting slightly nervous now. Yeah, I know I’ve had plenty of experience when it comes to sex, but I’ve never actually made love. Which is what we’re going to do. I can tell by the way we’re going so slowly. Who would have thought that me, of all people, would be going slowly?
She looks back up at me and I can see this little shine of mischief in her eyes, which matches the smile that’s twitching at the corners of her mouth.
‘We’re severely overdressed for this.’ She whispers. It comes out so husky and breathy that I receive a flash of passion all over again.
So I kiss her. Not the soft, loving kisses from before. This one is passion filled, almost bruising as I claim her mouth, sucking on her bottom lip and teasing her tongue with mine.
And she’s responding to everything I do. It’s amazing. She’s amazing.
It’s a good job my lips are so busy cause otherwise I might have said something that I just don’t think she’s ready for.
I’m not slow this time. I tear off her bra, and reach for the buttons to her pants. Unfortunately, I pop off the top button and rip the zip, but I really don’t think she cares.
But she’s got her revenge. She just ripped the seam of my leather pants, right down the leg. I don’t even hesitate as I kick them off.
We’re walking backwards towards the bed now. My hands raking through her hair, her hands gripping my hips. That’s when I pull away and look her right in the eyes.
I don’t know what I’m looking for but I must have found it, because we’re kissing again, and laying back on the bed. She’s on top of me, one arm under my head, the other trying to take some of her weight off of me. If we weren’t so busy kissing I’d tell her that I really don’t mind all her weight being on me at all.
The feeling of her skin covering mine is something I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. It’s making me groan into her mouth and writhe about underneath her. All I know is that it feels so silken against mine, even with the scar across her belly. The one I put there.
That’s when I roll us over, so I’m on top. I start to kiss down her neck, sucking softly on her pulse point, which makes her groan slightly. I know she’s thinking I’m heading straight for her breasts, but I’m not. I have somewhere much more intimate in mind.
Somewhere that is just me, and is only her. Something that no body else in the world has.
I think I’m having a heart attack. In less that two minutes, she’s found the part of my body that can make me squeal. My pulse point. It took some people weeks to find that, and only when I’d told them where to go. It’s like she just knew where it was.
She’s heading down my body, and for some reason, I know she’s not going to my breasts. And I know she’s not going down there either. Mainly because I still have my underwear on.
I open my eyes when she just stops. I don’t mean she just started to ease off the kissing and licking and then gradually stopped. She just stopped dead.
I know why, and it’s confirmed when I open my eyes and look down at her. She’s looking right at the scar on my tummy. I know she wants to say she’s sorry for it, but in some way, I feel like I need that scar. It reminds me of the dark place, and reminds me not to go there again. Reminds me that I never want to feel that kind of anger and pain again.
I cup her face with my hand, turning her face to look at me, and I smile at her. That’s when she bends down and lays the softest of kisses on the scar, then moves back up my body and kisses me just as softly.
I literally have to force myself not to tell her just how much I want her.
We’re kissing again. I know not to say I’m sorry for that scar. I don’t know why, I just know. Like that scar is something she needs, something she has to have. Like a life line. That’s fine, but now she has two. She has me.
The passion is mounting again, and my heart is literally thumping out a rhythm on my rib cage. And I almost freeze. I have no idea what to do now, I really don’t. I mean, I know what I like, but I haven’t got the faintest idea what she likes. And worst? I think I’m a little embarrassed to ask her.
It’s like she knows what’s going on in my head, because now she’s back on top of me, licking and kissing my neck, making me moan softly. Moving down my body, licking round the outside of my breasts, deliberately not going anywhere near my nipples, where she knows I want to be touched, at this moment in time.
It’s like she’s all over me at once, my skin’s on fire, just being this close to her. That’s when my underwear gets taken off and thrown across the room.
By this time, my eyes are closed. It’s like I want to have them open, to watch her as she does to me what she’s doing, but I just can’t keep them open. That’s when I feel it. Her hand, as it softly cups my mount. I’m slightly shocked by the high pitched moan that comes from my mouth.
‘Buffy?’ I open my eyes at her whispered call, to see her looking at me with worry in her eyes. ‘You ok?’
I can’t speak. Not only is my breath coming out really shallow, but I think my vocal cords just stopped working. So I do the only thing I can do, I drag her up to me and kiss her, biting her bottom lip and running my tongue over hers.
She starts to move her hand again and I think I’m gonna pass out.
I can’t believe how hungry her mouth seems to be, because it’s ravishing mine. Which tells me that I’m doing something right. I was worried for a second back there, when she kinda moaned, kinda squealed at the same time.
My hands moving again now, parting her lips and exploring her. I push one finger into her gently and she tears her mouth away from mine and arches her back slightly. She’s breathing really heavily, compared to before when she was hardly breathing at all.
I know where she wants me to touch her though, and it’s not where I am touching. It’s that little, throbbing nub of nerves that needs my attention, and that’s exactly where I’m not going to touch her. Not yet anyway.
I push another finger inside and receive a hitch in her breathing as a reward. It’s when I start to push them in and out that I get a moan of pleasure.
That makes me moan out loud. To know that she’s making sounds like that because of me, is doing nothing for my blood pressure. And although I want to take my time, and drag this teasing out all night, I know that I can’t. Not just because she can’t take it, but because I can’t either.
It’s like something inside of me desperately needs to hear her call out my name as she’s coming. That desperately needs to know that it’s me she's thinking of while she’s got her eyes closed.
She I softly brush her clit with my thumb, and she jumps slightly, like she wasn’t expecting it until much teasing later.
The one place on my body that can send me over the edge and into orgasm, with only a little attention, is the exact place that she touched me. I know she’s going to do it again, and I’m helpless against her. I know it sounds really weird, but I don’t want her to.
When I go over that edge, and hit that orgasm, I want her right there with me. This is, after all, her present, not mine.
She presses my clit again, causing me to groan, quite loudly actually. I’m not usually really loud at all, but she just seems to be bringing it out of me.
‘Wait.’ I whisper to her, grabbing hold of her wrist as she starts a slow rhythm, dancing over my clit. I realise just a second too late that that was probably the wrong thing to say, because she freezes, like a deer caught in head lights. She looks like I’m about to jump of the bed, yell psyche and kick her out.
I kiss her softly on the lips, getting her to relax slightly, but she’s still tense, waiting for the bomb to drop, waiting for me to tell her to get off me and get out.
‘When I go there, when that happens Faith, I want you there.’ I get a raised eyebrow and a puzzled look off her. ‘I don’t just want to hold onto you until I’ve stopped shaking and calmed down, I want you there, shaking and calming down with me.’
A light goes off behind her eyes and she just smiles at me as she realises what I want.
Reaching down, I don’t even bother to look, I just rip off her panties and throw them across the room. She looks mildly surprised, and about to say something. But her words catch in her throat and her eyes roll back in her head as I gently insert a finger into her.
The elbow she’s holding her weight up on collapses and her head’s on the pillow next to mine. I kiss her neck as I start to build a slow rhythm, adding another finger as I go. I’m waiting until she gains some sense of herself again before I move to her clit. I know she’s ready to pop, so I know the minute I touch her, she’s going to come.
Well no sir missy. When you come, you’re gonna come with me.
I finally regain myself to notice that my elbow’s given out on me and my head is not three inches from hers. And she’s whispering to me, softly. Comforting words, words no one’s ever said to me before.
That’s when I knew that I was in love with her. Almost everyone you meet says that they fell in love gradually until it was complete. But not me. I knew, at that very second, it had gone from complete adoration and a massive crush, to love. Because she knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it, and gave it to me without question.
And when I think about it, she's always known what I need, she just stubbly gave it to me, and I never noticed before. She’s always been there for me, like nobody else in the world, and I know that she’ll always be there for me, no matter what happens in the future. Because we share something that no one else in the world can ever share with another person.
That’s when my body starts to function again, and my hand regains its rhythm, and she moans into my ear in that really breathy way that people do. It makes me lift my head from the pillow to look into her eyes. And she’s just looking right back at me. There’s something in her eyes that I just can’t place. I guess I’ll have time to figure it out later.
That’s when she glides her thumb over my clit, and my eyes close of their own accord.
I’m not trying to rush things or anything, but I have this burning sensation in my stomach that tells me that I’m so close to coming, and yet what’s being done to me just isn’t enough to bring me over the edge.
I can see it in her eyes too, so I take the initiative, and set to work on her clit. It works. Her eyes close and that breathy moan escape her lips. I’ve never known a sound to be so erotic in my entire life.
I can hear someone moaning and groaning as she starts to rhythmically stroke my own clit. This room is filled with the sounds of someone close to orgasm. That’s when I realise that it’s me that’s making all the noise. I’m sure, if she wasn’t starting to make those exact same sounds, she’d be teasing me about all the noise I was making.
That’s when I feel it. Her inner walls start to pulsate around my fingers, and that’s all it takes to push me over the edge. Our bodies are shaking together, slicked together with sweat. Our breathing is rapid and has no rhythm at all and I think I’m almost screaming her name, as my orgasm races through every inch of my body.
The pulsating around my fingers starts to slow, and I run my finger around her clit some more, hoping to drag out her orgasm as long as mine, but then, she calls out my name and another one is racing through her body, pushing me over the edge again.
I thought I was calming down from the best orgasm I’ve had in my entire life, and that’s saying a lot. But then she moves her thumb again, and I’m calling out her name as I crash again.
Every inch of me is on fire, is burning because of her. All the pleasure I’m feeling is almost painful, and I feel myself go over the edge a third time.
My body is shaking so badly now, I feel like it won’t ever stop. And I don’t want it to, because she caused it.
But my breathing starts to slow down again, and I’m starting to notice the cramp I’m getting in my arm, from holding myself up so I can look into her face if I want to.
I open my eyes, and she’s there, looking at me with such adoration and such love that I can feel tears burning the back of my throat. I’ve stopped them coming for so long, but with her, I just wanted to let them go.
So I do. I lower my face to hers, and kiss her as a tear rolls off my face and lands on her cheek. She doesn’t say anything. It’s like she just knows. And she just holds me. Pulling me down onto her fully and encircling my neck with her arms as I cry.
I want to tell her that I love her, but my throat is so tight from the tears, that I can’t.
‘I love you.’ I whisper into her hair as I hold her. She’s crying on me, and I let her, because I know this has been a long time in coming. I know that she needs this, so I just let her.
I don’t expect her to say it back to me, because when you love someone the way I want her to love me, it means that you trust them completely. I know she cares for me, otherwise she wouldn’t be crying now, but I don’t expect her to trust me. Not completely anyway.
‘I love you.’ She says it so softly that I know without my slayer hearing, I would never have heard it at all. But I heard it, and it just makes me hold her that little bit tighter.
She starts to calm down, and the tears are slowing to a stop. And when she lifts her head, I wipe the tears off her face with the backs of my hands, tuck her hair behind her ears and smile up at her.
Why is it, that when you actually want to stay in bed, that little ray of sunlight, that’s streaming in through the gap in the curtains, hits you right in the face? When you do want to get out of bed, it’s pissing it down outside so you might as well stay in bed, because there’s nothing you can do anyway. But it’s bright and sunny outside, so there’s no excuse to stay in bed.
That’s when I realise that the right side of my body is quite cold, and the left side of me is toasty warm. So I reach over to pull the blankets around me, and maybe hide under them, away from the sun, to realise that the blankets are warm, and aren’t even blankets at all.
It’s her. And I know that if I turn around to look at her, she’ll be waiting with an amused smile on her face. I can feel her arm under my neck and it shivers slightly, and I know that she’s silently laughing.
‘It’s not funny ya know.’ I grumble as I turn over and look at her. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so beautiful before. There’s a little sleep in the corners of her eyes, and her hair isn’t perfect. But she has this skin that’s just glowing and her smile seems to make the room a little brighter.
‘I’m sorry, I can’t talk right now. I’m too busy being a human blanket.’ That’s when she out right laughs. She has to be punished.
I never expected the pillow in my face, I really didn’t. War was declared, the lines were drawn out and the weapons were chosen. Thus ensued the biggest, funniest pillow fight I have ever been a part of.
Not to mention the most erotic. What?! Don’t look at me like that! She was all nakie and stuff, what was I supposed to do?
Oh! I know...