Do I Have Something In My Teeth?
by Rachel
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: I want it, good. Bad, good, good, go…
'it's my life, don't you forget.
It's my life, it never ends.'
Don't you just hate that? A song gets stuck, almost like it's on repeat, in your head and you can't get rid of it. Thing is, you liked the song to begin with. A lot of things are like that. Food, for example. First time you try it, you can't get enough. You want it everyday. After the 6th day though, if you even smell it, you feel like you're gonna vom'.
Funny thing though, it's not like that with her. First time I saw her pretty blonde ass outside the Bronze, I knew I wanted her. I knew I'd never get her, but that was ok, the feeling would pass in time. It always did. So here we are months down the line, and the feeling's still there. Only now, it's a little bigger. Kinda like a stain on your carpet. It starts off small, so you scrub it, and scrub it, and scrub it, until you're left with this massive stain the size of a small child. That's it. A Buffy stain.
"What's so funny?"
I look up sharply "what?" Smooth Faith, real smooth.
"You were laughing, what's so funny?"
For a split second I think about telling her. I'm sure she'd take it ok, 'well Buffy I was just thinking about you and how you'd look as a stain on my floor. All flat and dirty looking, palms facing up, sorta like a mime that's had a nasty accident with a truck. Or one of those cartoons where Daffy gets flattened by a falling rock or steam roller, and just sorta floats to the ground like a piece of paper.'
"Jus' thinking about the whole Wes and Cordy thing." So I went for the safe option instead, you would've done the same thing.
"Eeww Faith, can you not mention that while I'm studying, or breathing!"
Phew, I don't wanna sound smug or nothing but I could lie for my country.
"Why were you thinking about them anyway?"
…………………"What?" Ladies and gentlemen, Faith has left the building. Exits are here, here, here, and here.
"Are you still thinking about them?! Jesus, get a room."
And now it's my turn, I raise the eyebrow.
"I meant them. They should get a room. Not you, you have a room. Not that you're a slut or anything!I meant a bedroom, where you sleep, like everybody sleeps…in ..their ..room….."
Could my eyebrow get any higher! Down girl, that's it, back in line with your twin brow.
I'm just about to open my mouth, when in walks Wesley.
"Ah, there you are. I must insist on knowing where you both are at all times. How can I function as your watcher when you keep flouting the councils rules…."
She looks at me and we both mouth 'flouting'. Maybe he means floating. 'Floating the councils rules' nah ya can't float rules. Unless they're in a balloon. Or maybe it's some weird drug reference and good ol' Wesley's been fooling us all. It would explain a lot.
"…..patrol, after which you shall both report back here. Understood?"
"Y'know Wes, when you talk all I hear is 'blah,blah,blah, I'm a dirty tramp'…later."
I'm gone before he can reply, not that he could've, that was a killer line. If only I could remember where I heard it? I'm halfway down the hall when I hear her.
"Faith! Wait!"
Told you it was a killer line!
My mouth's still hanging open when I hear the library doors swoosh shut. I glance at Wesley who's doing the best impression of hooker I have ever seen. Minus the skanky outfit and carpet burns. What? I slept with a vampire y'know! Just cos' I don't vocalise like some other slayer we all know, doesn't mean the thoughts aren't there. That, and let's be honest here, Angel lost his soul after sleeping with me. I was that good. Sure him being evil sucked like Cordelia at a pep rally, but you gotta take the good with the bad. And boy was it good.
"Faith Wait."
Thank god she's stopping, you'd think that being a slayer I'd learn to wear flat shoes occasionally. And yes you did hear me right, 'a' slayer. I admit that I wasn't a big participant of the Faith fanzine, and maybe I was a teensy bit jealous, but now, I don't know, it's different.
"Blah, blah, blah, I'm a dirty tramp?"
She grins at me as we carry on walking.
"Y'know, poor Wesley almost had an aneurysm." I look over at her trying to see if there's a speck of remorse. Nope, just a few freckles.
"C'mon B, we're the Slayers girlfriend, the chosen two. Sometimes I don't know what's wrong with you?"
She gives a low throaty chuckle as she realises that she just rhymed. Seriously, how low can one girl's throat go…. Ok that came out wrong, but y'know what I mean. Why can't she chuckle like a normal person 'ha, ha, ha!' noooo she has be all low and sexy…....se-xy? I know that's not what I meant. Ok forget the sexy part, hers is just low down. Her voice is low…....forget it.
"B?"
"Huh, what?"
"Do I have something in my teeth, cus' ya just staring at me?"
What do I say, 'gee Faith your voice is really low and sexy'…... maybe without the 'gee'. Think fast Summers.
"No, your teeth are fine, I'm still suck on the 'dirty tramp' phrase."
Nice, have a cookie Buffy, well done. She looks satisfied …oh god why me?.. Pleased, she looks pleased.
"I knew it was a killer line."
She's grinning again. God, will you just stop smiling! I can't take the double dimple assault…....
My house! Thank god for my house. Now if I can just get inside without saying something stupid everything will be fine and dandy. I'm just about to say goodbye to her when the door opens.
"Buffy, oh hello Faith."
"Hi Mrs Summers."
Please god no…..
"I haven't seen you for a while. How've you been?"
I'll do anything…..
"I'm good thanks. You ok?"
I'll be a good girl, I promise…..
"Fine, thank you for asking."
I'll do penance…..
"So I'll see you on patrol then B?"
Thankyouthankyouthankyou.
"Nonsense, why don't you join us for dinner?"
??????
"That would be great, thanks Mrs S!"
Judas!!!!
"Buffy? Are you joining us, or shall I send a plate out?"
Hey! That's great, now my own mother's making jokes at my expense. I attempt a smile, though I'm pretty sure that's not what I achieved, cos' I can see Faith sniggering out the corner of my eye. All I can do is close the door behind us, repeating my mantra of 'happy thoughts, happy thoughts.'
I just hope they don't get too happy.
B's house. Casa del B, or something, never was any good at that shit. The smell hits you as soon as you walk in. Not that smell, what kind of a perv d'ya think I am? The house smell. That clean smell mixed with a slight perfume. Joyce's? Or maybe it's one of those touchy air freshener things. Had one of those in the motel once. They're supposed to 'freshen completely for 30 days' or something. 30 days my ass. I sprayed so much that by the fourth day, I was sweating a floral aroma and tasting it in my sleep. Can you overdose on air freshener?
"Buffy? Are you joining us, or shall I send a plate out?"
Can you imagine being rushed to the A and E cus' you OD'd on the fresh! George Clooney leaning over you "There's too much in her lungs! I need new lungs!…. Faith, can you hear me? The good news is you have new lungs. The bad news is that we accidentally replaced one of your lungs with a baked potato. You have seconds to live." Man, I crack myself up! Still, would be so embarrassing. Kinda like that movie with whats'is'name in it, where he drinks shampoo, cus` it smells like his chick… Two words re tarded.
"Dinner will be about thirty minutes. Why don't you girls go to your room Buffy. You can show Faith your collection of Scooby-doo videos."
Must ….. Not…… Laugh……
"MOM!"
Rule number one: When trying not to laugh, please remember not to look directly at Buffy.
"OW!"
Rule number two: When laughing at Buffy, make sure you're out of arms reach.
So, I'm in her room. Now, I don't have to tell ya what I'd like to be doing. Instead I'm sitting here listen to her go on and on about Angel. 'Angel this, Angel that. Angel's so strong, blah, blah, blah.' Speaking from experience here, I've had farts that were stronger than him. It makes me sick, Angel, not my fart, 'look at me Buffy, I'm a good vampire, I've got a soul, Buffy, look at me, Buffy… Buffy!' even worse than his pathetic lap dog impression is the whole 'I love you, but I can't be with you.' What a load of crap! He loves her so much, but only if he's getting some too. I can picture it now 'I'm sorry Buffy, I'd love to go down on you, really, but seeing you like that might send me over to the dark side again…I'd really love to…really.' Yeah right.
"….this one time, when Angel was evil….."
Please god make her stop! Doesn't she, like, run out of batteries or something. Or maybe she has run outta batts' and that's the problem, know what I mean. No Angel, No lady's best friend. Having to resort to playing little 'ooh Angel' fantasies just to get herself off. I could help her out, all she has to do is ask. 'Faith would you do me a favour?' In my sapphic dreams.
On the plus side, I am in her room, and I've made it to the bed. Okay, I'm not in the bed but it's alright. Baby steps, baby steps.
"….Willow had this huuuge ….."
No, no , no, please, go back to the Angel stories. Anything but 'Willow' tales. Don't think I don't know what she say's behind my back. Always givin' me nasty looks too. 'Sorry Faith, it's a School thing' and 'ooh Buffy, let's go study'. I'm thinking she's either way jealous over the whole 'slayer thing' or she's got it bad for B….. Or me.
"DINNER'S READY GIRLS."
"JUST COMING MOM!"
I wish.
Gotta hand it to Mrs S, she's a great cook. Not one thing's charred to a crisp. It's not that I'm a bad cook, it's that McDonalds are so much better at it than me.
I think B's inhaled some of Wesley's drugs or something, cus' she don't look right. Jus' sorta staring into space. Probably thinking about the big A again. Not that I'm jealous or nothing…..I'm not! She can think about him all she wants… When I'm not here. I'm a guest y'know, she should be entertaining me. I could give her a few tips if she's stuck for ideas. Maybe later, when her mom isn't sitting across the table. I can picture it 'would you girls like any dessert? Oh, it seems you brought your own, how thoughtful.' Or 'seriously girls, could you not do that on the kitchen table, take it to your room instead.' And then me and B'll get married and live happily ever after. Again I tell ya, in my dreams.
"DINNER'S READY GIRLS."
"JUST COMING MOM!"
I couldn't have said something else 'we'll be right down' or even a simple 'sure mom.' Nooo I said 'coming.' I spend twenty minutes talking about Angel and a good five on Willow, and I blow it all by saying 'coming.' Now my minds back in the gutter. Or is that sewer? I don't know.
Hot dogs! We have hot dogs for dinner! Okay, so I do like them, but I don't know if I can eat them in front of Faith. Stupid, I know, but think about it. They're very…suggestive, I can't just rush in. I'm gonna have to think about it, maybe draw up a plan of action, phone Giles to see if he agrees or even write in to one of those 'please help me' pages. By the time I get my reply, Faith will be gone and I can eat my hot dog in peace. Definitely, that's what I'll do. I'll just nibble on this French fry for the time being. Well wouldn't y'know, I`m full.
I wonder if Faith even likes hot dogs? No Buffy, don't look at her. It'll be like that woman with the snakes on her head, Matilda?… Maria?….M…Mmmm…. I don't know. Anyway it'll be just like that, only without the whole, turning to stone thing. You'll look, then you'll start to stare, possibly drool, as she puts it in her mouth and bites….mouth….lips… Oh god I looked! Quick, find something else to look at…….there is nothing else to, oh! A tiny stain, how interesting! I wonder how long it's been there? It could date back to olden times, maybe even before Giles was born. I should call him.
"Buffy, do you want me to cut it up for you?"
What? Cut what up? What's she talking about, I don't have anything that needs cutting……..
"Buffy?"
"No I'm fine thanks."
I'm fine, you're insane, but I'm fine.
"Well are you going to eat it later?"
Eat what later! What's wrong with you, does everything have to be about Faith! Sex!.. I mean sex. It's hot in here, isn't it?
"No mom, I'm not going to eat it later."
God, some people just make me sick. Who knew my own mother was so perverted.
"Faith, would you like Buffy's hot dog?"
………….. Soooo, back to that stain………
"No thanks Mrs S, I'm full."
"You girls going slaying now?"
"B?"
"Uh, yeah, I just need to get something from my weapons breast, CHEST! Weapons chest."
Weapons breast! BREAST! I said breast. In front of Faith. At Faith. Great, this is just perfect. Now she's gonna think I'm some weirdo, who's constantly thinking about boobs. Then she'll start making breast jokes, 'are you a'breast' of things B?' or 'wow this is the 'breast' time I've ever had. How `bout you.' I know it. Wow it's hot in here!
"BYE MOM."
"LATER MRS SUMMERS."
……The silence is killing me. I know she wants to say something about the 'breast' incident, I just know it.
………………Anytime now……………. Very soon…………………… Why isn't she saying anything?
She did hear me right? Maybe that's it. She didn't hear me, she probably had something in her ear. Like….a…hair….or….a….hair…….. She's definitely gonna say something.
"Slow tonight."
That's it! That's all she's got, 'slow tonight.'
"Yeah."
I'm not giving her anymore ammo.
"Ya wanna blow this thing off, do something else?"
Blow…..
"Like what?"
"I was thinking a little dancing, a little drinking, maybe a little more dancing. What d'ya say?"
Dancing, that means the Bronze. We all know what happened last time you were at the Bronze with Faith. It's what got you into this mess.
"Uh, I don't know, I got a lot of studying to do."
"Studying. You're gonna blow me off, for studying?!"
Blow……..
"Uh…."
I seem to have lost my ability to speak.
"Tell ya what, we go to the Bronze. Dance a little, have a some fun, and if you're not enjoying it, we can leave. Deal?"
"Well I ….."
"Great! So it's a deal. Come on."
Stop! No! I can't! Nothing comes out. Maybe it's a spell.
I know what she's waiting for. Part of me wants to just yell it at her, and run off laughing. But that's the thing y'know, lately I'm finding it more difficult to point these things out. Could be the whole 'feelings' thing. Maybe I should just throw her a bone. 'Hey B, is Willow still your breast friend?' Nah, it's too easy. That and she's gonna give herself whiplash if she keeps looking over here like that.
"Slow tonight."
Break her in, nice and slow.
"Yeah."
How am I supposed to start a conversation when she's talking like Oz?
"Ya wanna blow this thing off, do something else?"
"Like what?"
"I was thinking a little dancing, a little drinking, maybe a little more dancing. What d'ya say?"
I can't believe she used the studying excuse. Doesn't matter though, cos' we're here and she ain't going nowhere.
Oooh, this place is the kick tonight. Live band….check. Alcoholic beverage……check. Hot little body beside me….check. And as an added bonus, absolutely no sign of the 'Scabies gang'. What! It's not like I have to like `em or anything. Ok, now all I have to do is get B on the dance floor. I don't wanna draw attention to my failures or nothing, but this is getting stupid. I mean how many times do I have to ask…no, beg, just to get one lousy dance. Not that I don't love her being here or nothing, but… the other night….we were just… clicking. Until you know who showed up. I'm not one for negativity, but that just ruined my whole night. Not to mention my 'How to get Buffy into bed, with a single dance' plan…… ………Ok that's it, if she's not gonna dance with me I'm just gonna have to show her what she's missing.
"Hey B, I'm gonna go dance, you coming?"
………..
"B!"
"No, you go Faith, I'll just wait here."
Ok girlfriend, watch and want…
I have to say, I am a great dancer. Some guy even said to me that I could be a stripper or a lap dancer if I put my mind to it. It's all in the hips….and the hands. Make sure that they go up and down your body, brushing your boobs. Concentrate on moving them through your hair. Only then will you have truly mastered the art of…. What am I! Some kind of Jedi or something! Just feel yourself up. It works, believe me. See, look at her.
She's trying not to look, and she ain't doing a bad job of it either, but I got all her attention.
And she scores! Oh yeah, she's coming over. What did I tell you, 'it's all in the hips'…..
Oh shit! Why now! She was mine, I know she was, but they have to show up and ruin it as usual.
See, Red's already pulling her away, probably to tell her some big secret '…such an animal in bed. He likes it doggy….' Like anyone gives a crap about her and Oz.
"Hey Faith."
And then there was Xander. I hope he doesn't get too close. Who knew drool was that hard to wash out.
"Hey."
Don't want him getting any ideas.
Maybe I've been going about this all wrong. If ya can't beat the friends. Use them.
"Hey Red, wanna dance?"
Must not look. No. I can't…..Quick, save yourselves, women and children first. I'm just gonna go… I should tell her that I'm leaving though, don't wanna be rude.
"Buffy, hey!"
"Hey Buffster, fancy meeting you in the only club in Sunnydale. I'm telling you, if I believed in fate. I'd be playing the lottery riiight about now."
"Boy, am I glad to see you guys, Willow can I talk to you?"
"S'ok, I'll be fine here, don't worry about me. I can take care of myself… who'my kidding."
"Buffy what's the matter. You look all flushed and kinda…well… flushed, if you know what I mean?"
"That's my problem Will. Ok you know me right, good ol' Buffy. I have a list of qualities a mile long. Maybe not a mile long, more like a metre or..or a foot, y'know. I'm dependable, perky, funny, straight, chipper, reliable, straight, funny…did I say funny? Whatever,… feel free to add you own 'Buffy is …' comment anytime."
"Are you coming down with something? Should I call your mom? Or Giles, maybe it's a spell?"
"YES! That's it a spell! That's what I thought. I knew there had to be a reason for this. I went out with Angel for god sake, how much more manly can you get!"
"Hey Red, wanna dance?"
Red! I mean Willow! Not 'Oh hey B, fancy a quick twirl around the dance floor' Nooo. I might as well not be here… And why am I referring to myself as B?
"Ummm…"
"NO! you can't dance with her. I..well.. She's busy. Right Will?"
"Well…."
"Xander! Xander'll dance with you Faith. XANDER!"
"Whaaat? Geez Buffy, could you shout any louder, I'm pretty sure I have a filling still attached to my teeth."
"Faith wants to dance with you."
"What! B! Nooo…"
"Really, all ya had to do was ask. Let's go."
There, crisis averted.
"Buffy?"
"WHAT!"
"Maybe you should sit down, there… have a sip of your dri…Good god Buffy what are you drinking?!"
"Ughh, could you at least try to get some of it on the floor… Faith got it for me, tastes kinda funny, dontcha think?"
This is a new skirt!
"Buffy this is……(whispers) This is alcohol…."
"Why are you whispering."
"Well, why are you?"
"I asked you first."
"Did not."
"Did too."
"Di….Back to the point. Buffy? Are you even listening to me? Buf…"
I was listening, at least I was `til I saw them dancing. If that's what you kids call it these days. Faith was basically giving him a lap dance. And Xander…well… parts of him were responding more than others. He! He! It kinda looks like one of those things that when you bang them together it finds water… the fact that I'm still looking bothers me……. Still looking.
"Oh my god Buffy. Are.. are you in love with Xander?"
What!
"What! Are you insane? No way. Why d'ya say that?"
"Well earlier you kept saying that you were straight, and now… Well you kinda… staring at his….Thingy."
"WILLOW!"
"Well you are, I know it's hard to miss, but it's not his fault. People get that way from dancing…..With …..Faith….. Oh my God, you're in love with Faith!"
"No, no I'm not.."
"You are, that's why you kept saying you were straight. 'I'm soo funny and did I mention that I'm straight.' I knew it wasn't just a slayer thing."
"………"
"Does she know? Does she feel the same way? What did your mom say? Does this mean you a …"
Does it make me a bad person to wish her serious bodily harm right about now.
"Does this mean you're a what B?"
........
Oh boy!
...to be continued...