Love Me, Please
by Ria
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: If you don’t know who they really belong to, then what on earth have
you been watching? Yeah, they don’t belong to me, I’m just playing, honest.
Spoilers: Not really.
Author's Notes: This is Faith to Buffy. Make of it what you will. Think the
title's also a song, or it's a line in a song. Not sure who by.
"Love is now. Love is strong. Love is forever. There is no today, no tomorrow, nothing but the now, here; you and me. Together.
"You can’t escape from it. There is no end. You can walk away. You can hurt me. Kill me. But it never goes away. It never stops. Love is the only certainty.
"You could live. You could die. Go to school, or work, or have kids, or enjoy life or be miserable. But without love it’s all meaningless. You can go around pretending that it doesn’t matter, that it doesn’t exist but it’s always there, everything you do will be tainted by the love that you carry, that you hold, that burns inside of you. It can be as small as flame, as big as a fire, but it will always burn.
"Love is eternity, the certainty. You can hate me, but you’ll never stop loving me, because love is everything. Love makes you, defines you, is you. Without it, you are nothing. Without it, you will cease.
"Hate can be consuming, passionate, but it can never triumph over love. Hate can eat you alive till you are nothing, till you feel nothing except your own despair, your own nothingness. Hate will and can only destroy. Destroy you inside, and destroy the world you live in. Hate can reek havoc in a thousand lives. Hate can destroy the human spirit of many.
"But love…love is life, love is everything, and everything is love. Love is the creator of everything. Everything that hate destroys, love can repair. Broken lives, broken souls, the deepest pain, overwhelming sorrow; love in the smallest quantity can overcome.
"You can hate me, but love will always be overwhelming, a need deep inside of you that even the darkest hate cannot and will not touch.
"You can hate me; with everything you have, everything you are, everything you will be. You can hate me to the ends of the earth, to the depths of the ocean, to the edges of the very universe. But it will never be enough. It can never be enough. It can never fulfil, never satisfy, will always lead to wanting more, needing more, just to feel, just to keep pushing away the endless emptiness you feel in your soul. Hate can never be everything because it will always lack love.
"Love isn’t about darkness and light. That hate is the dark to loves shining. Love is everything or nothing. Love is hope in the darkest times. Love is the beginning and end of the brightest day. With love, anything is possible. Without, the only hope you have is of death.
"Love is pain, hurt. A thousand wounds through the heart. A blank look, a single goodbye, a word said in anger. All with love can destroy. However, love is the only road back. Because the pain of love is overwhelmed by the beauty of it, the grace of it, the feel of being in it, of being surrounded by it, of being blessed by it.
"Love is all defining, is the only thing that can fill your soul to overload, to sate the deepest longings of your soul, to meet and over fill your deepest desire. It is the beginning, and is the only end. It can be everything in between. Hate breeds hate. But love is love, breeds love, satisfies everything that you’ve never realised as being empty in your life.
"One taste of love is like coming home.
"Wanna come too?"
Author's Notes: This is Buffy’s response to Faith. Ooh, I think it’s turning into
a series!
Thanks: Thanks for the response to the first part. We all know that Buffy wouldn't
just take what Faith had to say, without mouthing off herself, don't we! Actually, I think
it would have probably disintegrated into a fight by now!
"Love you? I’d rather die than love you. How could I love you after everything you’ve done to me, to my family, to my friends? You slept with my boyfriend and you expect to me to commit to some absurd notion that you are in love with me?
"Get real! That isn’t love. You’ve got some obsession- an obsession with my life that compels you to destroy everything in it just because you haven’t got it as well.
"I offered you it, Faith. I held out my family, my friends for you but you threw it all back in my face. You destroyed your chance when you made me the victim of your sick world. You don’t deserve anything, and you certainly don’t deserve anything from me. Love you? I could never love a sick, psychotic murderer like you.
"So what if you’ve been to jail- you could never make up for all that you’ve done. I look at you and do you know what I feel? I feel pity. You had everything and you refused it. I feel sad. You look like hell and you brought it all on yourself. But most of all I just feel sick to my stomach. I look at you, and it just reminds me of everything that you did. Everything that you did because you were under some delusion that you were in love with me. And it makes me want to throw up that you can even thing that about 'me'.
"Do you even understand all that you did? Of course you don’t; otherwise you wouldn’t have come here with this laughable rant on love. You don’t love me, Faith. You could never know what love is. You could never feel that kind of emotion. Love is about another person. You’re too wrapped up in yourself to even know what love is.
"And hating you? It’s easy. After everything that you’ve done, how could I feel anything else for you? You say you’ve changed, but people don’t change that much, and especially not you. You’ll always be the same sick screwed up person who can’t stand the thought of someone else having even the slightest chance of happiness. So you had a bad childhood. So did a lot of people, but they don’t go around destroying other people’s happiness because of it.
"Tell me Faith, could you love yourself? Could you honestly look at yourself in the mirror, and say that you love the person staring back at you? Knowing that that girl murdered someone, tortured someone, hurt everyone around them; did what you did. Could you love her? Would you think that she even deserves to be loved, after everything that she did?
"Cause you know what loving you would be too hard. Getting through all that hurt and grief and pain would be like wading through an ocean of treacle, and I don’t even think that it’d be worth it, even if I could see the real you at the end.
"Because you know what? I don’t think I could even bring myself to care who the real you is."
Author's Notes: I know, that Faith probably wouldn’t speak quite like this, but I can’t do her that well. And I’ve just realised, that was a really bad way of saying that!
“That’s what you seriously think? That you offered me everything I could possibly need? You left me rotting in some motel that you can pay for by the hour. You never asked how I paid for it, how I could afford to live even though I was fifteen years old, and living alone.
“You have no idea what it’s like. To be hungry. To be lonely. To live everyday as it comes because you have no idea where the next meal is coming from.
“You didn’t offer me a thing. You made some half hearted gesture and that was only when Red reminded you to. You had everything, B, and you didn’t want to share.
“Did I ever ask for anything? No. Did I ever beg you for anything? I dealed, I survived, and I’m sorry that it got a bit too hard in the end, and I ran to the mayor, but you know what, I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Being a slayer, killing demons, I didn’t have a Giles to show me the way, to run to when things got bad. Friends who where there to bail me out of the little scraps. Yeah, I made some bad choices, but it’s not like every choice you’ve ever made was the right one. I killed a man. And I can admit that now, and not try to run from it. But do you how hard that is to do, to live with this kind of guilt every minute of every day?
“Or perhaps you do? After all you almost killed me. You came looking to kill me, feed me to Angel. Or was the fact I was a ‘Rogue slayer’ mean that taking my life wouldn’t mean as much? I killed by accident. It was dark, vamps were flying at us, and not even you knew that it wasn’t a vamp till too late. And yet it was all my fault. But you came looking to kill me. You knew what you were gonna do. Does that make it right? I was bad, so I could be killed. Angel was a vampire, with a soul, sure, but I was still human. Ok, barely, but I still was. You were so quick to forget, B, that you could have killed him, too.
“But that’s the thing, B, you’re so quick to judge everyone else. The first day you saw me you had decided I would be trouble before you even knew my name. Do you know what it’s like to be looked down on like you looked down at me? I made up all those stories to try and make this good impression, and yeah it was wrong, but I could have said I saved the world a bunch of times, and you still wouldn’t have been impressed. You were the slayer, and you were never willing to share it. Never willing to admit that I was the same as you, or that I could be as good as you.
“And maybe I couldn’t be as good as you, but you never gave me the chance. You never asked me to train. You only wanted to patrol when no one else could go with you. You never wanted to admit that you might need some help, and that I could be that person. You wanted to be the only slayer. Red, Xander, they weren’t so bad because they could never threaten your position as the number one slayer.
“Slaying was the only thing I had going for me, and you took that away. The only purpose I’ve ever had in my life, and you wouldn’t let me do it. Just because I didn’t do it like you. And maybe I didn’t always go in with a plan, or took on stuff over my head in my enthusiasm, but I never died. That’s the first rule of slaying, right B? Don’t die? I went hunting every single night whether you wanted to patrol or not, and I never once got dead.
“What makes you better than I am? Is it because I talk dirty, or don’t wear pastel coloured clothes, or have a high school education? That I was too young to understand the implication of everything I did. I made a mistake, and you want to punish me with it for the rest of my life. Is it really so hard to forgive me, B? Would it really kill you to move on, get over yourself, realise that you aren’t the only person that matters in the world? You say I made you a victim, but maybe that was what you needed to be to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around you. I didn’t make you a victim. Yeah, I did some pretty crappy stuff, and that’s an understatement. But I never did it to make you a victim. I wanted your life, yes, because it looked so much better than my own. And I know it was wrong, but when you’re forever on the outside looking in, the temptation to take what’s not yours is so great. I had nothing, B, and you had everything. But like a spoiled brat, you didn’t want to share. And you wonder why I turned out the way I did.
“I know it was my fault. That I was the one that made the choice to go down that path. But perhaps you should have been the one to give me another option to make my choices from. I chose, but my choices sucked beyond belief. And once I went down that path, it was so hard to stop. I wanted, needed Angel to kill me because I thought that was the only way out of it that I had.
“I’ve had to live with my choice every single second since. I can slay all the demons I can, save the world a bunch of times, but you will never give me the time of day, will you? What makes you so good that you get to decide my fate?
“Why am I even trying to apologise to you?
“I know why. Even after everything that happened, I never stopped loving you. And perhaps that wasn’t the best way of expressing my love, but I don’t know how else to.
“You know what, I don’t even know why I bother. I’m off, B. I can’t stand to face you anymore, it’s too hard.”
Author's Notes: I couldn’t keep up with the long speeches anymore, so I cut them down a bit. But they’re arguing, which is much more likely anyway!
“That’s all you do Faith, isn’t it? Give up. You came here for a reason didn’t you? And what, I won’t play ball so you’re off again?”
“I can’t keep doing this. What do you want from me? To beg you? Cause you know I would. I would get down on my fucking hands and knees and kiss your feet if I thought that for even for one moment you would look at me like I meant more than shit to you.”
“I don’t want you to beg. Begging won’t bring back all that you took from me.”
“What the hell did I take from you?”
“Where do I start Faith? You took my body, my life, my mom, my boyfriend, anything else you could get your grubby little paws on.”
“I tried to take those things, B. You forget, I didn’t even come close to taking you. And you still didn’t notice me. I wanted everything you had, and I ended up with nothing.”
“You have such a warped view of the truth! You tried to destroy my life!”
“Well, I didn’t have a life! I was meant to save the world, even though I wasn’t allowed to live in it.”
“You could have done. All you had to do was ask. You never told us. You never mentioned that you were having money problems, or were going hungry. How were we meant to know if you didn’t tell us?”
“Open your eyes B! I was living in a motel, and I didn’t have a job! How on earth do you think I paid for it? You didn’t want to know. I could have swallowed my pride at having to help if I thought for one moment you would have understood. Do you know what it’s like to give a blow job to some twenty foot trucker for five dollars to buy a little food because you haven’t eaten in two days? Well I do! I know what it’s like to get beaten black and blue and not be able to lay a finger on the guy because otherwise your ticket to a meal will be gone. I was the slayer, and I had to be beaten up to live. You only had to open your eyes B.”
“…….I….didn’t know.”
“Well now you do. Does it feel good, to know the level I had to stoop to?”
"Faith!"
“What B.. I shock you? Offend you? Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you wanted to know what it was like for me? And you wonder why I want to walk away from this.”
“Faith…hell….I…”
“Save the stuttering B, it’s not becoming on you.”
“Oh crap."
“Gee you think?”
“I didn't know, Faith.”
“Yeah, you keep saying.”
“How could I have done? It doesn’t take away the fact that you didn’t tell us back then either.”
“I was boinking blokes for money. How was I meant to ask you for help? Holier than thou Buffy, and I was meant to tell you that, and not have you think I was disgusting? Yeah, right B!”
“You didn’t have to do what you did, though. It doesn’t excuse the fact that you stole my body. That you held my mom hostage, or slept with Riley.”
“How is Riley?”
“That’s not the point. And I don’t know, I haven’t seen him in a while.”
“Oh…”
“Doesn’t matter. I never loved him. I know that now.”
Could you ever love me? “Yeah, I didn’t think so. Anyway, I don’t know why we’re still doing this. I’m just gonna go. Get out of your life. Save you the hassle of having to look at the world without rose tinted glasses.”
“I fight demons for a living, I hardly look at the world through rose tinted specs.”
“B, have you ever wondered why you enjoy fighting demons so much? Because they’re evil. And you get to kill them. And you know that there are some sick human beings on this earth, that you aren’t allowed to kill, as much as you would like to, and demons are easier to deal with. Put into a box. Black and white. Line drawn already to deal with. You never wanted to deal with the realities of this world.”
“Demons aren’t all black and white. I wish they were sometimes. And maybe I didn’t want to know. But it still doesn’t make it right what you did.”
“Who said it did? If I could take it back, I would, cause you know what hurts so damn much? Having you look at me like that. Having to walk away from you again. Knowing that you will never see me the way I see you. All I want is for you to forgive me, and you can’t, because you will never be able to admit that you might have been in the wrong as well. I have to live with this, B, for the rest of my life. And somehow, you don’t. And I don’t know how you did that. I don’t know why I love you, B. After everything that’s happened, sometimes, all I seem to feel is nothing. But then I think of you. And I get to feel something. Maybe just a burning hatred, but it never lasts, could never last, because I’ll always love you more than I ever managed to hate you. As hard as I try not to. Maybe I should just give it up? Because loving you is all I have left, and it’s so damn hard all the time.”
Author's Notes: A bit of action to accompany the dialogue!
The vamp startled both of them. Enough so he had the chance to strike first. A punch to Buffy’s head. Not enough, however that the punch landed.
Buffy blocked with her right, the carried momentum sending the vamp hurtling into Faith, knocking both to the floor.
“Ooops….sorry.”
The vamp quickly recovered, going back for revenge on the blond, not noticing the struggle the other was having to recover her breath.
“That’s ok B.” Faith managed to get out.
A left cross followed the vamp's return to his feet, sending him flying across the street, Buffy not having any of it.
An easy kill. That’s what he had thought. Two loudly arguing young women already primed with emotion to make the blood extra sweet. The blond first. The delicacy, the starter, before the main course: The bigger, more emotional brunette, the intensity falling from her like the heavily pouring rain.
What he got instead was the slayer. The slayer in front of him, angry, frustrated, barely holding it together, who hardly needed a reason to break into a fight, much less that of a conveniently dumb vampire.
The tarmac of the side alley was slick with the rain neither of the girls had bothered to notice. It hardly rained in Sunnydale, but it held much less attention that the girl stood across from them.
The vamp wearily got to his feet. The blonde still stood across from him, the other, he knew, behind him still.
The vamp decided a sneak attack was in order. The brunette, she was fixated on the blond, barely remembering to breath let alone anything of a higher life form. She would be easier, get a drop of much needed, emotionally primed slayer blood, because he was sure that she was the second slayer, and then home, out of the bitter rain.
He never saw the fist coming. Buffy had decided to make the first move instead; “Do you mind, we’re having an emotional looking contest.”
The harsh words of the blond followed his latest trip southward. The punch was hard enough to stun him, and before he could even work out what his name was, the brunette was upon him. The severe concussion that accompanied the punch meant it barely registered that the girl currently taking her emotions out on him was no where near as strong as the blonde, and that the only reason any of her punches were having an effect was because she was specifically aiming for his pressure points.
One punch “I was”
Second punch “trying to”
Third “talk to”
Forth “B here”
Fifth punch, “about how I”
Sixth “feel for her.”
Seventh was too much, and the vamp, if he made any sense of the words, didn’t hear anymore. “I do not need any undead stupid vampire spoiling the moment.”
The eight was accompanied with a stake, straight through the heart, ending the vampire’s misery.
Faith looked down at the floor. Her hair dripped, plastered to her cheek, flat to her forehead, severely out of breath from the excursion and adrenaline flooding her. A desperate plea visible in her deep brown eyes that were staring holes in the tarmac. A need to have someone hold her, take away the pain, just a look at the blond brought for her. The stake whistled out of her hand as she threw it at a nearby dumpster.
She’d changed, but the emotional baggage still got her wound up to the point of mindless action.
Now though… her body suddenly went limp, lifeless, settling on the ground, shallow fast gasps eased to quiet containing breaths, stopping the anger rushing her hormonal system almost to breaking point.
Hope returned, strong and relentless. B had to see it, had to feel it to. How could it be this intense, this fulfilling, this deep without her feeling it too?
How could she stand there, and not feel it, not experience it? Be so passive? Couldn’t she see the change that Faith had worked so damn hard to even start? All those long hours of self-retribution, the painful hours of self-analysis, denying it as often and as much as she could because the thought that she could be that evil, be that dangerous and not realise what a rocky, masochistic path she was treading was almost impossible to admit. The crap of her life that she had put up with for so long had dragged her down to such a point that everywhere she looked was blacker than the darkest night. Her memories were hazy at best. She’d lived so long in a self-contained bubble, built up so many walls of protection that to knock them down, even a tiny bit had taken everything out of her.
It had been hard, so damn hard. Even getting to the point where she could have a simple conversation with someone without shutting off to hide her own self doubt, her own worthlessness had taken more than she thought she had to give.
Coming back to B. Coming back to Sunnydale, had been the ultimate goal. Admit to the love that had burned, without passing, without dying for the slayer.
Coming here, facing B; she still felt the sickening nervousness that she had been feeling since she got on the bus, quite by chance, the night before. She couldn’t plan it. She’d tried. She’d brought bus ticket after bus ticket. Written timetables. Planned out every minute, every second, down to the tiniest detail and then not been able to board the bus when the time came.
Every time, panic had seized her. Not about seeing B. She absolutely could not wait to see B. It was everything else. Talking to B. Finding the words to explain what had happened, what she was feeling. Making B see what she held in her heart, what they could have together. If only B agrees. And that was her ultimate terror. That even if she found the words to tell B all this, and everything else she wanted to say, that B wouldn’t see it. Wouldn’t know, or wouldn’t acknowledge it or would outright reject it. The terror that had kept her locked up for long in her own mind that B, her precious B, would also push her away. And she knew she couldn’t survive someone else that she loved desperately doing that to her.
Buffy watched from the safety point of the sidewalk. The anger, the cracking, before the peace, the reconciliation of body and mind. She saw first hand that Faith wasn’t the person that she was before.
Yet she couldn’t move. Couldn’t go pick up the younger slayer, offer her any help. Didn’t have the strength to. Didn’t have the courage to admit that maybe she had been wrong. She’d sorted through so many problems in her life to just start living again. She didn’t have the additional strength to find out if there could ever be anything more than the deep-seated hate they’d shared between them. She couldn’t do it.
So what if Faith had changed? She’d changed to. So what if she could love Faith. Buffy was sure that Faith wouldn’t be worth it. Couldn’t be worth the effort of actually finding out. Life was simple; it was better this way.
So when Faith looked up at her, held her captive with those dark chocolate eyes, begged pleading with her for something, anything, Buffy found herself turning from her. Unable to face her.
“Love me, please?” A whispered, shaking voice implored of her.
“I can’t, Faith. I just can’t.”
“Kiss me.” The words flowed from her mouth even before she had consciously thought them. Anything to stop Buffy leaving.
“Sorry?”
At least she wasn’t leaving. Faith took a breath, having to carry on now that she had started. “Kiss me. You say you could never love me, then kiss me and prove it.”
“What? Don’t be stupid- like I’d ever kiss you. I don’t need to kiss you to tell you that I can’t love you.”
“What are you so scared about? One kiss, that’s all I’m saying.”
“I don’t kiss just anybody- especially nobodies like you.”
Faith turned momentarily, the harsh words stinging, but she turned back. She had come this far, she couldn’t give up now. Anyway, she should have been used to the constant put downs by now.
“What’s up, B? Scared that I’ll prove you right for once? Scared you won’t be able to stay in control? Come on Babe, what have you got to lose?”
“My dignity? I’m not gonna kiss you, Faith, so forget about it.”
“Ah, big strong Buffy Summers, too scared to kiss a girl.” Faith taunted, enjoying the momentary feel of power.
Buffy immediately bristled at the words. “I. Am. Not. Scared.”
“Yeah right, B.”
“I’m not. Why would I be scared? I know a kiss isn’t going to change anything, so what’s the point?”
“If it’s not gonna change anything, then just kiss me. One kiss, B, that’s all I’m saying.” One kiss would be all that she needed, Faith mused. Buffy could be as deluded as she wanted, but one kiss would be enough for Faith to die and go to heaven at peace. Oh, ok, maybe not heaven, but perhaps she could experience it for one second.
Faith got to her feet but didn’t move to close the gap. She knew Buffy was never gonna agree, but just still being able to see her was enough for Faith. If Buffy left now, she knew that she would likely never see her again.
“One kiss, Buffy. It’s just a kiss.” She said, her voice soft, gentle, playing at Buffy’s overwrought senses.
One kiss? One kiss wasn’t going to change anything. One kiss couldn’t erase the past, make up for all the hurt, take away the hate and pain that seeing Faith again had caused; resurfacing memories that she just wanted to forget, would do anything to put behind her. One kiss could not mean that much.
She remembered her first kiss with Angel. The demon face it revealed on the boy that at the time she thought she would be with forever.
She remembered her first ever kiss. In that club in LA, with a boy who had sent over a mate to ask her out. The yuckiness of fumbling hands, and sloppiness that as a twelve year old she thought would always be gross.
Kissing Angel was all the memories of intimacy that she had of their time together. The banished memory of that night he had lost his soul, could never come close to the experience of sensuality, of fullness of their many kisses. She didn’t want to kiss Faith because she didn’t want to be stuck with a memory of kissing Faith, good or bad.
But then there were many kisses that she had to struggle to remember. There was a reason why the kisses with Angel stood out in her memory. They had meant something to her. Faith meant nothing to her. When she thought of Faith, all she felt was hate and pain. Why would kissing change that? How could it change that? Faith was right in that she had nothing to lose. She couldn’t possibly hate Faith any more.
Faith wasn’t watching the emotions on her face, as Buffy thought through what she was saying. Instead, she drank in the sight of the slayer. She memorised the lines of her body, the way her hair fell in soft curls to her shoulders, the way her bottom lip pouted out slightly.
“Ok then.”
Faith, startled, looked up at her. “Sorry?”
“I said, ok then. Let’s kiss. It’s not going to change anything, and perhaps you’ll get it through your thick head that you and I could never mean anything.”
Faith didn’t respond to the insult. Her mind had stopped functioning the moment Buffy had said ok.
Buffy couldn’t quite work out the look on Faith’s face. Couldn’t work out her reaction. This was what she wanted…wasn’t it? A simple kiss. So why did Faith look like she was hyperventilating, and about to pass out? The panicked look on her face, which was what Buffy was guessing that look on Faith’s face, was, wasn’t exactly the reaction that she had been suspecting.
Buffy shifted uncomfortably. “Faith?” She questioned softly, unsure what was going on.
Faith didn’t look at her. "I…I…have…I…can’t…got…can’t…I…go…" And between mumbles, Faith was gone, disappearing into the night.
And a part of Buffy, that she could never allow herself to acknowledge, felt uneasy, and a little creep of concern as she watched Faith disappear.
Author's Notes: Thank you if you are still reading this, and not getting too bored! I know it seems a bit disjointed, but I do know where it’s going. Honest! And thanks for the continued feedback, it is very much appreciated.
The kiss. It lasted a few seconds. In reality. To her it could have been a lifetime. It might have been a lifetime. It was slow, deliberate, scorching against her lips. The pressure, definite, hard, contact for a fleeting moment, but so solid, so real, so…defiant almost. She looked up into the eyes. Those green luscious eyes. The depth of colour they held, hot fiery with passion. Dancing with life and illumination. How could anyone break contact with those eyes? How could anyone stop themselves being drawn deep, deep into their colour, their passion, their immeasurable depth? Deep into her very soul, her being, her identity. Her.
Placing a finger where her lips had just been, she traced the full mouth, before once again placing her lips on them. Feeling the heat, the softness, parting under the slight pressure, to let their tongues slowly duel, battle, tasting the other, exploring inside. Breaking away slightly, she whispered, ‘I love you sweetie…’
Faith woke up hitting her forehead. Man, how lame had that sounded, even if she was the only one who had heard it. I love you sweetie? What had she been thinking? Well, nothing really, that was why she had been dreaming, but I LOVE YOU SWEETIE? Couldn’t she think up a cheesier line. Hey sweet thing, want me to show you the galaxy? Faith hit her forehead again. She was so stupid sometimes. She couldn’t even get one simple line in her dream right. Like Buffy was going to respond to I love you sweetie. She’d probably get a slap for her troubles. Great. Just how she wanted their first kiss. To end in a slap. Not that she was ever going to get her first kiss. Faith rolled over onto her front, almost tumbling off the narrow bed. She had been the one to walk away. Not that the thought of kissing Buffy was wrong. Or even the dream (except she would have to learn to keep her mouth shut). In reality, it was never going to happen. Ever. She couldn’t do it. Faith felt the panic rise up in her, just at the thought…
Buffy rolled over from the most amazing dream ever. Someone had just given her the best kiss of her life. And she had had a lot of kisses in her life. Did that just make her sound like a slut? Not that it really mattered, considering she was talking to herself inside her own head. She got back to the important bit. Someone had just given her the most sensuous, loving, tender kiss of her whole life. Two problems though. She had been dreaming (perhaps the most obvious). Second, she had no idea who it was, she had woken up before her head had been able to get past how good the kiss was to actually look at who it was. Perhaps she had been kissing Keanu. What? She could dream. Or, ok, she had been dreaming, so that was a perfectly reasonable thing to say. Plus she had been watching The Matrix (again) with Willow and Tara, to try and get her mind of she who must not be ever mentioned ever again, even inside of her head, and so, getting back to the point, in all likelihood, it was Keanu. Shame that could never come true in real life.
Getting back to the reason why she had woken up before anything more interesting could develop…she looked over at her radio alarm, which was playing some over hyped, over loud disc jockey was currently winding up some poor caller on the subject of phones or something. Way too early to be getting up, but she had an early class to get to. She’d only just re-started college, part time, a part of getting her life back together again. She had a perfect routine now, college, work, slaying. It all fit into nice boxes, just the way she liked. Even Dawn seemed to have got past the teenage phase she had been going through. And if proof was ever needed…she walked into the kitchen ten minutes later to an actual good morning from her.
‘Sleep well?’ She asked Dawn as she grabbed a coffee.
‘Yeah. What time did you get in?’
‘Not that late.’ Buffy instantly protested, then wondered why she was protesting so hard to her sister. Her younger sister…who she was in charge of. ‘Anyway, did you finish all your homework?’
‘Yes.’ Dawn said with an eye roll.
‘And you didn’t give Willow and Tara a hard time?’
‘No!’
‘Just checking.’ Buffy teased.
‘So was it patrolling last night- cause you know, I’m getting bigger now, and I’m sure that I could.’
‘No.’
‘It wasn’t patrolling.’
‘Yes, it was patrolling. No, you cannot come out with me to patrol.’
Dawn pouted. ‘See anything interesting?’ She eventually asked.
Well, if you could call her interesting. Which you could probably get away with. ‘Only a vamp. Easy night really.’ Buffy lied. ‘I’ve got to get going, or I’ll miss the bus. Have a good day, and I’ll see you tonight.’
‘Yeah, see ya.’ Dawn answered, wondering how she had got away with Buffy not complaining about her having a slice of chocolate cake for breakfast. Something definitely had her sister distracted.
Buffy’s day was long, and she was more than glad to get home at six that night. As she prepared dinner for them all, (she’d finally mastered pasta and sauce) she tuned into the local news, not believing her ears when she heard the first item.
‘The brutal murder of a local motel worker has shocked the local community. Thirty-five year old Mitchell Lane was working the late shift at the Sunnydale Heights when he was stabbed in the neck and chest seven time with a seven inch blade. No suspects or leads have yet to be announced, but the local police have released a statement that they are looking for a customer of the motel who owed them a significant amount of money…’
Buffy felt her blood start pumping loudly in her head as she thought of who on earth that person could be…
‘Buffy I don’t get how you can make the jump between guy gets knifed and Faith did it. I mean, true I don’t like the girl, but she’s only been out of prison what, three months? After serving three years. No one’s that stupid. Are they?’
‘This is Faith we’re talking about. Being stupid goes hand in hand with being a slut.’
Willow regarded her best friend from across the lounge. ‘I don’t know Buffy. Faith never killed someone just for the sake of it.’
‘She must have owed the hotel or something. She’s not working, so she can’t be funding it. Where else would she stay?’
The hatred shining in Buffy’s eyes just then, made them look more alive than Willow could remember seeing them in a while.
‘It just seems a bit too…coincidental.’ Willow finally said.
They had been talking about this ever since Willow had come home. The house was empty; Dawn was having dinner at friends, and Tara was studying at the library.
‘I don’t believe in coincidences, Will, you know that.’
Willow sighed, knowing that she wasn’t going to get the stubborn headed Buffy to even consider any other options. ‘What are you going to do then?’
‘Find her.’
‘Then what? Announce to the police that a one hundred pound girl stabbed this 2-50 pound bloke seven times? They’ll believe that, like they believed she was able to murder Finch. And that was with Faith confessing she had done it.’
‘So, I’ll deal with her. The police are as stupid as she is.’
‘Deal with her how?’ Willow asked, dreading the answer.
‘She’s a slayer. I’m a slayer. You do the math.’ Buffy answered, getting up from where she had been perched on the arm of the sofa, and striding purposefully from the room.
‘Math? Math? What math- can’t see any numbers here.’ Willow babbled as she followed Buffy.
‘I’m gonna do what I should have done a long time ago.’ Buffy must have seen the look on Willow’s face. ‘Oh, don’t worry, Will, I won’t kill her. I’ll just make it so that she won’t think of hurting a fly in the future.’
Willow would have thought that after three years, the anger that Buffy held towards Faith would have dimmed a little. But it was way more now. What Willow wasn’t aware of was that Buffy was angry because this time yesterday, she had been feeling an ounce of concern over the girl.
‘I’ll come, then. I might be able to help you with a spell or something.’
‘Do you think that’s wise?’
‘I’m coming, Buffy. I won’t take no for an answer.’
She hastily pulled on her trainers, stuffing the laces down the side instead of doing them up. She had to race up the street to catch Buffy as it was. ‘Where are you heading?’
‘The bus depo. If she hasn’t skipped town yet, she’ll be on her way.’
‘Right, right, the bus depo. Full of people but never mind.’
‘She’ll follow me, Will, I know. You should have seen her begging yesterday, it was pathetic.’
Willow was getting a more than bad feeling about this.
Faith couldn’t face going out in the daytime, so she had to wait till it was dark so that she could leave town. Where she was heading she didn’t know, but she knew she had to get out of this town while Buffy was still around. It was too hard dealing with her.
She only had a back pack full of stuff with her, so it took her all of five seconds to pack. The rest of the day she stayed in the apartment, tidying, cleaning the grubby kitchen and bathroom, ready for the next short lease tenant. She wouldn’t wish the huge cockroach she had been greeted with on anyone.
A news item on the local TV news caught her eye. A report of a stabbing at a local motel. Why on earth people stayed in this town was beyond her. It wasn’t exactly pretty, and every single day without fail, there was another report of someone mysteriously disappearing. Or dying. Apart from the low house prices, there wasn’t a lot going for this town.
She was outta here, anyway. This town seemed to suck the life out of anyone who stayed, and not just in a literal way. She had forty-eight other states she could try, find somewhere empty of questions about her former life, her state of mind. Somewhere quiet: up a mountain, maybe, she mused, as finally darkness made its presence be known, and after making sure the hallway was empty, Faith exited the place she had thought she could finally make her home.
The streets were quiet. Or at least, the back streets she was walking down where. Vamps, she didn’t care about. She wasn’t afraid to die. No, she was much more afraid of living. Every block, she would canvas for signs of life, before walking as fast as she could without running to the next corner. The cold sweat that filled her every time she saw even a shadow move, at odds with the warm Californian night.
She thought of what Buffy would think if she knew the truth. Probably get mad that no one had thought to tell her sooner. Faith wondered if Giles knew, but then dismissed the idea, because he would have told his precious slayer. Would she pity her, feel sorry for her? Or hate her even more for being so weak?
The bus stop was far too busy for her liking, even though there were only a few other people waiting for a bus. She bought two tickets for the next departure, to LA as it happened, leaving, Faith was dismayed to find, in fifteen minutes. She didn’t want to have to sit here, amongst all these people.
She found a corner seat, one of those cold plastic fixed chairs that numbed the butt within two seconds of being seated. Keeping a careful watch over everything around her, Faith counted down the minutes.
‘I can’t believe it.’ Willow looked, and found the source of Buffy’s disbelief. ‘I can’t believe she’s just sitting there, bold as brass.’
Willow gave her best friend a surprised look. That wasn’t quite the phrase that came in mind as she observed Faith. She looked smaller somehow. Concern was etched onto her face, making her appear younger…scared even. Her eyes continually darted from the few people sitting around her, eyeing them as if scared they were about to attack her. Something was fundamentally different about Faith, but before she had a chance to think about it more, Buffy was gone, striding towards Faith.
‘Running away? Couldn’t get what you wanted so you’re leaving town?’ Buffy mocked as she crossed in front of Faith.
She obviously startled Faith, as she jumped to her feet, trying to move backwards with little luck as a plastic seat was in her way. She had literally cornered herself, Faith realised.
Quickly ducking to the left, she gave herself space before she looked up at Buffy. Her sweet Buffy.
‘I didn’t think you cared, B.’ She said, in a soft tone.
‘Oh I don’t. I think the motel guy does though.’
Faith looked genuinely puzzled to Willow as Faith raised an eyebrow at Buffy. ‘Sorry? Don’t get ya.’
‘Oh don’t play dumb, Faith. It’s all over the news. Did you really think you could get away with something like that again, and not have anyone put it together?’
‘B I seriously don’t get what you’re going on about!’ Faith said.
‘Well, if you step outside, I’ll show you.’ Buffy offered.
‘What? I’ve got a bus to catch.’
‘Oh, you won’t even be able to get on the bus.’ Buffy reached out, as if to grab Faith, but Faith moved long before contact was made.
‘Fine, I’ll come outside. Then perhaps you can tell me what the hell it is you’re talking about.’
Faith exited the bus station by the fire exit, knowing Buffy and Willow were following far too close behind. Once outside, she almost froze as a tramp walked past, but she forced herself to walk on, putting a little distance between her and Buffy.
She turned to regard her, arms crossing across her chest, guarding herself. ‘Well?’
‘Oh, come on Faith. Admit it, and let's get this over with. You killed again.’
Faith felt ice fill her chest cavity, constricting her heart muscle so that it had to beat painfully hard and fast against it.
‘What?’ She managed to get out.
‘You killed! I thought prison would do you good, but obviously it hasn’t.’
‘B, I never…I…what?’
‘Buffy, I really don’t think.’
But Buffy interrupted Willow. ‘I know you murdered him, Faith. And I’m sick of having you in my life.’
‘I didn’t murder anyone!’ Faith cried, flinching as Buffy took a step closer.
‘Payback's a bitch.’ Buffy whispered, enjoying the scared look on Faith’s face, enjoying the power she held over her nemesis, over the younger slayer.
‘I didn’t hurt anyone!’ Faith tried again, stepping back, only for Buffy to take two steps closer.
‘Buffy, I think.’
Once again Willow was ignored as Buffy took the final step into Faith’s personal space. ‘You shouldn’t have hurt him, Faith. You could have left, you shouldn’t have hurt him.’
‘Buffy, I never hurt anyone, I never, I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ The slap came hard and fast, the force of it sending Faith crashing into two metal garbage cans. If Buffy thought there was anything weird about this, she let it roll off her pretty quick, as she walked over to Faith, hoisting her up by the collar of her denim jacket. ‘You shouldn’t have hurt him, Faith.’ She whispered again, bringing her knee up into Faith’s stomach.
Faith didn’t hear what Buffy said. Wasn’t even aware of where she was, what she was doing. Her mind had stopped functioning as soon as Buffy had come too near. The memories it sparked, the re-run after re-run in her mind, unable to shut off, unable to stop it, as she silently screamed in panic. Her breathing came faster and faster as she tried to gulp in air, taking in too much oxygen as she started hyperventilating. She didn’t feel as Buffy landed two more quick kicks to her chest and abdomen, before punching her face. Her mind was stuck in a place of panic, of endless images, black dots running in front of her vision, which had nothing to do with the vicious punch Buffy had just laid in her. Trying to get air in, trying to shut off the images, trying desperately, so desperately to fight a losing battle to stop herself from passing out.
All the anger that Buffy had been carrying over that tiny bit of concern she had felt for Faith came out in the beating. The slayer could take it, the slayer in Faith meant she had to do more to win, her mind far too gone to notice that Faith hadn’t even lifted a hand in defence, was breathing so hard and fast yet she hadn’t moved to defend herself.
To notice that there was no resistance to any of her kicks or punches. She was the dark slayer, and she was bad. She had killed a man. Again. And Buffy wasn’t going to let her get away with it.
It was Willow’s voice that brought her back to the present. Crying at Buffy to stop, to walk away, that Faith was dead, that she couldn’t do anymore. Crying almost hysterically at Buffy to stop now. Finally she turned to face Willow, a look of pure blood lust in her eyes that a shiver of fright worked its way down Willow’s spine.
‘She deserved it Will. She’s a slayer, not like she won’t heal.’
Buffy couldn’t understand why Willow looked so strange. It wasn’t like she hadn’t observed Buffy fighting before.
She got her answer two seconds later, as Willow turned tear stained eyes on her. ‘I don’t think she’s a slayer anymore.’
Author's Notes: Am I being too strong on Buffy? Opinions please. <> thought.
< No. >
The blue white flashed at regular intervals, highlighting the dingy back alley, the trash cans, heaped plastic bags of rubbish spilling out.
< No…no…no. >
The smell was awful. How hadn’t she noticed it before? The smell of rotting vegetable, rotten meat.
< It couldn’t possibly be. >
The blue light washed past the scene again, highlighting the shadows that the half moon missed.
< How could it… >
Her eyes stayed trained on the garbage, deliberately not looking at the moving people just to her left. They were calling orders to each other, shouting down a radio, the static of a reply filling the otherwise quiet back street.
< Why? >
Someone touched her arm, making her jump. ‘Come on, there’s nothing we can do here.’
Buffy turned to look at Willow. ‘Is she dead?’ She asked, her voice toneless, emotionless.
Willow regarded her before shaking her head. ‘No. Not dead.’ She hesitated before carrying on. ‘They’re taking her to the hospital.’ She hesitated again, before asking the next question. ‘Do you want to go with her?’
Buffy shook her head before a conscious thought entered her head. ‘No. No, we can walk there. Not far.’
‘Ok, I’ll just tell them.’
< What did she tell them? >
Willow was back in a flash, taking her by the arm, and dragging her out of the alleyway, as the sirens started behind them, the sudden noise making both of them jump.
< Did she tell them what happened? >
Sunnydale Memorial Hospital was a way too familiar place for both of them. Willow gave Buffy no choice as she pushed her firmly into an uncomfortable plastic seat, going herself up to the reception desk to inquire.
< Did they believe her? >
Willow came back and sat down, not offering any news to her, forcing Buffy to ask aloud. ‘What did they say?’
‘We have to wait.’ Willow said simply.
‘I didn’t know Willow, I didn’t know.’
‘I know.’
‘How could I have done?’
‘Buffy…’
‘I didn’t know.’ She repeated.
‘It’s not helping, Buffy. We just have to wait.’
But Buffy had to know. Had to know what Willow said.
< They wouldn’t believe her would they? >
‘What did you tell them, Will?’
Willow turned to regard her, the desperate hope, pleading in her best friend's eyes wearing at her. ‘Nothing.’ She finally whispered. ‘I didn’t tell them anything.’
Buffy couldn’t stop the sigh of relief that escaped her lips.
< It wasn’t like she had known. >
‘It wouldn’t be like they’d believe me, anyway.’ Willow added. ‘I should phone Tara, let her know.’
‘Don’t tell her!’
‘Buffy! What am I meant to say?’
‘Nothing.’ Buffy said with a pout, looking and sounding like a little girl suddenly.
Willow didn’t bother to ask how she was meant to tell Tara that they were at the hospital, without telling her anything else. That wasn’t a guaranteed way to panic someone.
She got up and crossed to the line of payphones against the far wall. Tara answered on the third ring, sounding worried already. ‘Where are you?’
‘At the hospital.’
She heard Tara’s sharp intake of breath, and got in first before the questions started. ‘Faith.’
‘What happened?’
Buffy beat her to within an inch of her life. ‘She got hurt. Badly. We’ll probably be here for a while. Are you ok with that?’
‘Sure, sweetie, don’t worry about me.’
‘I’ll see you later.’
‘Bye.’
Willow turned round, to find the chair where Buffy had been sitting empty. Willow sighed, wondering why she hadn’t expected it. She went to sit down again, wondering what she was supposed to do now.
‘Ms Rosenberg?’
‘Me…Yes…Hi?’
‘I’m Dr Collins, you came in with Ms Spencer?’
It took a while to connect Ms Spencer with Faith. ‘Uh, Faith, yeah.’
The doctor took a seat without asking. It was close to two in the morning, and the department was actually near enough empty for once. ‘Do you know how we can get hold of her family?’
Did she even have a family? ‘Um, no, sorry. She came here from the east coast.’
‘Well, we found her ID, so that might help.’
‘How is she?’
‘Critical, I’m afraid. Whatever happened to her has left her with some serious injuries. She’s in surgery at the moment.’
‘Surgery?’
‘She had some internal bleeding. They’ll take her to the ICU afterwards. She also had a serious head injury, so I’ll doubt she’ll wake anytime soon. Perhaps it would be better for you to go home? Nothing will happen before morning.’
‘Uh, yeah.’
‘If you want, you can leave a number, and we can contact you if anything changes.’
‘I’d like that.’
‘If you talk to the lady at reception, she’ll also call you a cab.’
‘Thank you.’
The doctor got to his feet, and took a few feet before turning to regard her a minute. ‘Wasn’t there another girl with you?’
‘Uh…she had to leave.’
‘You can let her know?’
‘Oh yeah, no problem.’
He left her alone. She wandered over to the reception desk. ‘Hi…I came in with Faith…Spencer?’
‘Oh, sure hon. I don’t suppose you know her phone number?’
‘Huh?’
‘Her address, was with her id, but we don’t have a phone number.’
‘Oh…’ Willow glanced at the clipboard that the woman was holding, the pen hovering, having to swallow hard as she took in Faith’s address. ‘Um, I don’t remember, sorry.’
‘No problems. You want to leave your number?’
‘Yes, and can you call me a cab?’
‘Sure.’
Willow peaked over at the address again, just in case she’d read it wrong.
Buffy had had to get out. She couldn’t sit there, waiting for news of her enemy. She’d deserved everything that she had got. Hadn’t she? Why hadn’t Faith told her that she wasn’t a slayer anymore? How couldn’t she be the slayer anymore? No one had told her that there had been a get out clause. Faith had deserved everything that she got. She should be dead. She’d killed a man. Buffy had just been handing her the payback. Why hadn’t Faith said anything? She killed a vamp! Why hadn’t she mentioned anything? How could she not be a slayer anymore?
Buffy had stalked through cemetery after cemetery. How long hadn’t Faith been a slayer? Since she’d left Sunnydale? Three years? Or was it less. Was it in the last few months. Was that why Faith had come back now? To get Buffy to feel sorry for her? Had she thought that Buffy would forgive her because she was no longer a slayer? Did she really think that having Buffy feel sorry for her, pity her, would make her even a smidgeon more open to the idea of forgiving her?
Faith had lied to her again. Again. Mislead her, tried to play her. Well, it wasn’t going to work. Not this time. Faith had had her fun. She wasn’t going to play with her emotions anymore.
< I bet she was pretending. > The thought came out of nowhere, unbidden, but quickly grew favour in Buffy’s mind. She was pretending. She’s still the slayer. She was lying. Trying to convince Buffy that she was hurt real bad, when really, she was stalking her now, going to get payback on her. Coming to take over her life again. Somehow thinking it would be legitimate this time, because Buffy had made the first move. Well, it wasn’t going to happen. She swung round in a full circle, taking in all the cemetery, the many gravestones, the mausoleums looming large in the shadows, trying to find the slightest shadow that was out of place.
‘I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE. I CAN FEEL YOU!’ she yelled into the silent cemetery. ‘YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME FAITH! I WILL FIND YOU, AND THIS TIME I WON’T HAVE A FRIEND THERE TO STOP ME.’
Buffy had searched most of Sunnydale, ignoring the growing feeling inside of her that at best she was being stupid, at worst, downright psychotic. But it wasn’t till the following night that she was able to convince herself to stop searching. Not because she had come to her senses exactly, but because she had found what she was looking for, where, rationally, she knew she had been all the time.
The hospital at night was eerie, the silent corridors, night lights, making the building seem older, closed in yet bigger at the same time. Even she got the creeps, and she was used to hunting through cemeteries at night.
Unbidden memories of hospitals came to her, the silence, foreboding of the corridors only re-establishing what it was she didn’t like about hospitals in the first place; her cousin’s death, the time she had had to give herself the flu to fight some evil thing killing kids. Her mom’s body.
Could she just say now, for the record, she did not like hospitals? But this was a necessary trip. If she could see Faith, know that she was in hospital, know that she wasn’t coming after her anytime soon, then maybe, just maybe she could get past this anger, this search and destroy mission, and get on with her life.
The last time Faith had been in hospital, in a coma for eight months, she hadn’t been able to convince herself to go there once. Like this time, she had put Faith there. Ok, she hadn’t made her jump of the wall onto the back of a lorry, but she had been the one to put the knife deliberately through her stomach. Up till Faith’s return, she had been able to block it from her mind, keep any feelings of guilt at bay. And when Faith had returned, unrepentant, and on a mission for payback, Buffy had no longer any need to feel guilty, feeling instead that if she’d killed her in the first place, then maybe she wouldn’t have had this problem. Instead she’d had to make do with Faith in prison, where at least she couldn’t cause her anymore trouble. The first month, Faith had sent her a letter. She’d taken one look at the return address, and burned it. Faith hadn’t written again.
When she’d heard of Faith’s release, a little over two months ago, she’d been somewhat surprised; didn’t murderers get a little more than three years? And with the surprise the rest of the feelings she associated, and would always associate with Faith came rushing back. The anger, the pain, the hate. It didn’t help that while Faith had been incarcerated, safe inside a four wall cell, Buffy had had to go through her mother’s death, and deal with the new found responsibilities of being an adult, raising a child (Dawn would always be a kid to her), and being the one with ultimate responsibility.
She could save the world from the apocalypse, (without breaking a sweat) but when it came to what Dawn wanted from her she had no clue. Nada. Her brain just no longer had the workings of a teenage girl’s mind, even if she was barely out of her teens herself. They had gone the moment she had had all the responsibility heaped on her shoulders. Faith had been bad, had been the one to murder someone, so why was Buffy suffering still? She still felt that it was unfair that bad stuff happened to (basically) good people.
In the convenience of housing Faith in a hateful box within the confines of her mind, she conveniently forgot that Faith must have gone through something like she had, because she had no family. And at a much younger age.
Buffy didn’t want to know the past, even after the little bit Faith had yelled at her across the street the other night. Faith with a past, other than the past that Buffy was aware of and could use as fuel for her burning hate, would mean acknowledging Faith as child, Faith as someone innocent, Faith with a future. She didn’t have the strength any longer to regard Faith as anyone other than the person she had put within those four walls, that she was justified in hating.
Using the signs, she eventually made her way to the ICU department, where Willow had told her over the phone that day was where Faith was. That couldn’t be good, could it? That Faith was still considered bad enough to be in an intensive care unit. The guilt about putting Faith into this situation came back hot and fast as she stood just outside the frosted double doors into the unit.
What if she died? That would make Buffy as bad as her. Would put her on the same list of things to hate and despise in her own mind.
Her first problem, she realised, though, was getting into the unit, which was controlled with a security lock, and a buzzer. She ducked out of the way into a little side store cupboard as she heard footsteps the other side of the door. She waited for the footsteps to echo a little up the corridor before quickly stepping out of the cupboard to catch the door before it could swing shut.
She casually walked into the unit, keeping to the side till she could stake it out a little. To her left was a line of doors leading into four cubicles. To her right, a clear panel of windows showed a bay area with six beds, two of which were empty. Buffy didn’t get any further round the unit, as in the bay area she had spied who she wanted.
The dark curly hair, the face was instantly recognisable even with the gauze taped to the forehead, and the machine wires and tubes surrounding her. Buffy looked for five seconds, just stared, before she turned and walked out. She had found what she was looking for.
Why hadn’t it made her feel any better?
...continued in part 11...