Means to an End
by Rochelle
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Thanks: Anne, for beta-ing.
Feedback: If you want to.
No way, Red can't be right. B wouldn't do that, she just wouldn't do that to me. Red hates me, that's why she said that, it's just cus she's jealous that I have B. But then why the hell did Blondie seem to think she saw it too? Nah, they gotta be wrong. I mean, she was only gone a couple days. We were apart a couple of days. She wouldn't have.
"B?"
My voice is hoarse. The unasked question in my mind but my voice just won't co-operate.
"Hey Faith. I missed you so bad."
She's acting normal. Maybe a bit fidgety but that's normal for B. Jeez Faith, grow a pair already and ask her.
"Red and Blondie. They, uh, they came by for you earlier. Well for me, to say that erm to uh, that...Are you cheating on me?"
Oh god, oh god, oh god. Don't let her say yes, don't, please god don't. I look back up and she's turned her back away from me. I hear her whisper.
"I'm so sorry Faith."
Oh god, no, no, no, no.
"What?"
No, I gotta have heard her wrong, this is a dream. This is a bad dream, this isn't happening.
"I didn't mean to, it just sorta happened. I wasn't thinking, I didn't think, I just. Oh god Faith I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry, god I didn't mean for it to happen and when it did and I, oh god."
No, she didn't say that. She couldn't have, she wouldn't have done that. I get up off her bed and I feel sick. She didn't, she wouldn't...She loves me, doesn't she?
"Oh god."
I manage to say before I run straight into the bathroom and throw up. No, this is a dream, this is a bad bad dream, I gotta wake up. This isn't happening, this isn't happening.
"I..."
I turn around and B's standing in the doorway, looking at me like she wants to touch me, to comfort me, but she won't, she can't. I brush past her back into her room and grab my jacket, running down the stairs. Tears are freely flowing down my cheeks and Mrs Summers stops me.
"Faith. What's wrong?"
"Mom, it's okay. Faith and me are sorting it out."
I flip, fuck this, fuck her. How the fuck could she do this to me?
"No we're fucking not!"
I yell, sending the table smashing against the kitchen counter.
"She cheated on me, she fucking cheated on me."
I shake my head and press my hands down hard on top of my head, taking a few breaths to compose myself. I walk up to her and look her straight in the eyes before leaning down and kissing her softly.
"I loved you Buffy. Why couldn't you have loved me back?"
And that's it. I run out of the house. There's no way she could catch me even if she wanted to. I run straight back to the motel and throw myself down on the bed. I can't breathe from crying. It hurts, it hurts so bad. I never thought she'd do this to me, never thought she'd cheat on me. She promised me, she said she loved me. How fucking wrong could I be?
"Oh god, oh god."
I just keep repeating it over and over. I sit up slightly, the pillow now soaked from my tears and my mind set as to what to do. I change quickly, into a pair of blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt. I quickly grab a notebook and pen and begin to write.
'Buffy,
I'm sorry. For doing this, just I couldn't deal. I've never been strong, any strength I had was only there while you gave it to me. It feels like someone's put a knife through my heart and they just keep on twisting it. I never knew I could hurt this much, I never thought you'd hurt me this much. I still love you, no matter what. Don't let anyone tell you any different. I don't really have much to say, but don't blame yourself.
Love Always
Faith
p.s If you wanna make amends. Then don't wear pastels at the service. (Sorry, at least you can say I never lost my sense of humour.)'
Grabbing my denim jacket, I walked out the door, sliding the note carefully into my front pocket. Not long now. About 5 minutes later I walk into a back alley place and knock loudly on the door.
"Who is it?"
"Faith, now open up."
The door opens and there he is. Jack, still a complete asshole but he's got what I need.
"Give me a piece."
"Now you know Faithy, I don't sell guns."
Fuck this, no messing me about. I slam him hard against the wall and raise my voice.
"I said give me a fucking piece."
I let go of him and shove $50 in his face.
"Just wait a minute. I might have something after all."
Cheap fucking bastard. Shove money in his face and he's suddenly got something. I don't care though, I've got it all planned. He walks back in holding a smallish black gun and 4 bullets.
"Here. It's all I've got."
"Thanks."
I take it from him and load the bullets in, flicking the safety catch and then shoving it in the waistband of my jeans, tucked under my shirt. I walk out the door and hear him call out after me but I can't be bothered to call back. I make my way up to the highest point in Sunnydale. The place that looks over the whole town.
"Never thought I'd miss this."
My breath catches and I feel tears roll down my cheeks again. Time to finish this. I take out the cell phone I stole and dial B's number.
"Hello."
"Buffy?"
"Faith, god where are you?"
I take a deep breath and try calm down as the thought of her fucking another person come flooding back into my mind.
"I...B I love you."
"Faith, I love you too...Please I'm so sorry, just talk to me."
It's too late for sorry. I wish to god it wasn't, but it is.
"I'm overlooking the town. B, just I need you to know I didn't want any of this and I do love you."
"Faith what are you talking about?"
"I'm sorry. Take care of yourself."
I hang up and then quickly dial Red's number.
"Hey."
Blondie answers the phone.
"Is Red there?"
"Erm, I'll just, ggg-go get her."
Red quickly gets to the phone and sounds a bit pissed. Guess I interrupted something.
"Is that you Faith?"
"Yeah. I need you to do something."
"What is it?"
Shit. I can't explain to her.
"Just. B's on her way here, to that spot which overlooks the town."
"Okay...?"
"I need you to come meet her up here."
"Well where are you going?"
Dammit. I don't have time for this.
"Just be there for her okay? And Red?"
"What?"
"Take good care of my girl."
I click the phone off and throw it on the ground. Taking the gun out of my jeans, I walk a little closer to the edge, looking down at Sunnydale. How could things go so wrong?
"Buffy, I'm so sorry. I love you."
I take the note out of my pocket and grip it in my other hand before raising the gun to my head and closing my eyes. I did love her, just without her I'm nothing. Flicking the safety off, I press the gun against my head. Before firing the shot, I smile. Thinking of her and the love we once shared and as I finally pull the trigger, I understand how great I had it while it lasted.