Numbing the Pain
by Rochelle
Rating: R

Disclaimer: Yep I don't own these characters, Joss Wheadon does. I'm sure he doesn't mind me and a few choice friends borrowing one or two of them tho ;)
WARNING: This fic contains a description of cutting and might be considered a trigger for some cutters, consider this before reading. Thanx :)
Feedback: It'd be nice :)

Damn! Why the hell does she have to be so hot headed. If she'd just given me a chance to explain and now what? She thinks last night was all a joke? It wasn't! Everyone else looks pretty shocked by her reaction, she did throw a chair at the wall and that generally makes people have reactions. God Buffy get it together, work this out here then go find her.

"Look Angel is my business! He's nothing to do with you and I am sorry you feel the need to check up on me. For your information? I didn't kiss him, he kissed me and you wanna know why I didn't kiss him back? Because I love Faith! And you've just screwed that up! He kissed me and I pulled away, I told him I was helping him get better and that was it. Next time you want to judge me? Ask first!"

The venom in the way I speak to them scares them and I guess they're too frightened to talk yet, I haven't got time anyway. In the same fashion as Faith without the chair smashing I walk out the library and head downtown to look for her.

*****

"Another shot."

"You've had enough."

Who the fuck is this guy to tell me I've had enough. I've had enough to drink when I say I've had enough, not before.

"I said another shot. I'll tell you when I've had enough."

"Look miss, I'm not getting into a fight but you've been here an hour and already drained me of two bottles. I think you should head home."

"Fine! Fuck you too."

I slam my glass down and knock the stall I was sitting on backwards, staggering out the place. Maybe I have had quite a bit, no matter. Wonder which ways home, I know I got a place somewhere round here. I thought Slayer ability would clear this up as soon as I stepped out the bar, guess I did drink alot though, things are kinda of spinning.

"Stupid fucking bitch."

I'm talking to myself but it doesn't seem to matter. I kinda stumble into the alley next to the bar, the drink helped but I need something to stop the pain inside, drink numbs it but it don't kill it. B's hurt me bad, god if she only knew. I pull out a little blade I keep in my wallet. With slayer healing no-one's noticed before thank god. Too many questions if they knew.

"Yeah adds to the pychotic view they already have of you."

I chuckle, it's a nervous thing. I know what I'm like when I've been drinking, it's way easy to lose myself in this and to get carried away. I shake off my jacket and lie it down by my side, flexing the muscles in my arm. I tap to make sure there aren't any veins, I'm not at my motel and it's a bitch to stop the bleeding if I go through one.

"Looks good Faith, you should've been a doctor."

I lower the blade slowly and start making incisions. 5, 8, 11. I stop myself before I go too far, taking a minute to look at the cuts covering the top of my arm. It's a mess but then that's me all over isn't it? A mess, a total fucking mess. I press my hand gently on top of the cuts, hissing slightly at the contact and trying to wipe some of the blood away.

"Now comes the difficult part, how the fuck am I meant to stand up now? Shit almost forgot, my jacket"

I slide down slightly grabbing my jacket and throwing it on, suddenly aware of how deep the cuts are from the pain of the material resting on them. Taking a deep breath, I try to compose myself, sticking the now blood covered blade back in my wallet. Walking back onto the mainstreet I stop and ask.

"Anyone know where room 3 is?"

"Yeah bitch, just follow me."

Doesn't sound like he knows, maybe he does. I should follow I guess, just gotta figure out which foot to move so I don't fall on my ass. Wait, no, I shouldn't follow. Thats not the right direction. I think I'm heading in the general area cus that looks like my scummy door...with a blond chick standng in front of it. Shit! What the fuck is Buffy doing here. Fuck Fuck Fuck!!! She's gonna smell the alcohol on me.

*****

I looked everywhere I could for her and so here I am, standing outside her motel door hoping she'll come back here soon. I haven't been waiting long but it's really cold out here. It doesn't look like she came back here after the library so I just hope she's ok, she wasn't wearing much that'd keep her warm. I turn around and see Faith, she's staggering towards me, oh god I hope she's not hurt. I run towards her and that's when I can smell it. Alcohol. She reeks of it, and has obviously been drinking. This conversation is not going to go well if she's drunk.

"Faith, god how much have you had?"

"Enough B, enough. You know if you keep drinking long enough, it kinda numbs the pain. Well that and other things."

"Let's get you inside."

"Why B? Why fucking bother, it's not like you care!"

I knew this wouldn't be easy, she's angry and being drunk doesn't help at all. I think I got a shot if I can just get her to calm down long enough for me to talk and explain.

"Cus I do care and I'd prefer we discussed this inside."

She half grunts at me and lets me take her arm round my shoulder to help her inside. I dig the keys out of her pocket and open the door. Taking her inside and sitting her down on the bed before shutting the door again. It's pretty dark in here but I found out where the light switch was last night. I stop myself from grinning at that thought. Not a good idea. She's trying to get her boots off and isn't being very successful.

"Let me do that Faith."

"Fine."

I lean forward and undo her boots for her, sliding each one off in turn and then stand up to try help her take her jacket off. She jumps back growling at me.

"Leave it!"

What the hell has gotten into her? She doesn't even want me touching her now. I look back at her and wait...what's that?

"Faith?"

"What now?"

"Why are your hands covered in blood?"

*****

Shit! I should've known that she'd find out. Why the hell couldn't she have come later, then I could've cleaned up and she'd never have seen. Fuck! What'd I say? I laugh lightly earning a curious and slightly worried look from B. Ah what the hell, I'm not protecting her from the truth anymore, she can learn how fucking hard life is.

"That's my other pain relief B."

I slide my jacket off, biting my lip and wincing slightly at the pain. The look on her face is pure confusion, shock and worry.

"What the hell happened to your arm Faith?"

"Isn't it obvious? I cut myself B, I couldn't deal with it, the pain. The fact my heart feels like it's been ripped out and stomped on cus you felt the need to hook up with your ex hunnie. I needed something else. It's a bit deep I guess, the drink tends to take more pain away so I do it harder. Thats how fucked up your girlfriend is, wait. I'm not your girlfriend am I? No that's right, you're with Angel."

She flinches back at my harsh tone of voice and I suppose she's scared of what I've done, what I've done to myself.

"Don't be like that Faith. I'm not with Angel and if you'd give me a chance, I'll explain to you."

"Fine, explain then cus I haven't got a fucking clue."

*****

She scoffs at me and I get up, pacing around her room, thinking how to explain it without getting her all riled up again.

"Angel came back, I know I didn't tell you, I didn't tell anyone and god you don't know how much I'm kicking myself for not telling you about his return last night. For the last few weeks I've been working out why he came back. The first few days, he was an animal, there was nothing humane about him."

"Still isn't."

She doesn't say it loud but I can hear her mumble it. I chose to ignore it, if I say anything then it'll start another row.

"I tried to get him better, and it worked. It started working. I'd been going there, doing Tai-Chi with him, it seemed to calm him and it helped me be more balanced when slaying. This morning, I went to see him, to take him some blood as I hadn't seen him last night due to being with you..."

She scoffs again and seemed to growl deep in her throat. If this wasn't a serious talk then I'd immensely turned on by that.

"...We did our Tai-Chi routine as usual but when we finished he went to kiss me. Which is when you must've seen me. I pulled away as soon as it started, I swear I did. I told him straight, I said to him I was with you, that I loved you and I didn't feel the way I used to about him. That's when I left and came to the library. You know what happened there and since then I've been looking for you."

"Well you can go straight back to him now you know how much of a head case I am."

God! Why is she being like this, it's so frustrating. I'm trying to get her to trust me, to know that I did nothing wrong but she won't. She's pushing me away, but thing is, she's not going to succeed, I love her and I'm not giving up.

"You're not a head case Faith. Don't you get it? I love you and I'm not giving up. If you're talking about the cutting, fine. It scares the shit outta me, but things can get better, I can try help you. Together we can work this out, find something else for you to do to get rid of pain."

*****

What the hell is it going to take to get rid of her! She's still here but I can't do this, I can't let myself trust her and get hurt again. She hurts me again and my world will go to hell.

"You're not a head case Faith. Don't you get it? I love you and I'm not giving up. If you're talking about the cutting, fine. It scares the shit outta me, but things can get better, I can try help you. Together we can work this out, find something else for you to do to get rid of pain."

God I wish she'd shut up. I'm gonna cave in and I'm gonna get hurt. I can't do it, I can't get hurt again!

"Don't you get it B? I'm fucked up. I can't get rid of the pain, it's always there and I can't let myself get hurt by you again."

"I'm not gonna hurt you again, fuck Faith I'm so sorry about what happened."

There's a knock at the door and I growl, trying to get off the bed. She motions for me to stay with her hand and goes to the door.

"Yeah?"

"Pizza?"

I look at Buffy and shrug. Must've order it when I was in town. I lift my hips up to get a $20 out my back pocket and lean over to hand it to her. She's got a smile on her face and it's just melting me inside. She pays the guy and puts the pizza on the side. This is it, the moment I decide to risk hurt again. I slowly get off the bed and walk towards her. Brushing a strand of stray hair behind her ear, I lean down and kiss her gently.

"Faith, I.."

I silence her, kissing her again. This time to let her know I'm sure, to make things okay again, to work it out. I'm a complex girl right? Yeah well, B's one of those people you have to give in to, and from where I am right now. That's not a bad thing.

...continued in Amends All Around...