Each Beat Reminds Me
by Samantha
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Don't own them, the lyrics belong to Christina Aguilera the song name
is "walk away" I think, all lyrics are in ::Lyrics::
Notes: Well I am a little bitter right now...I hate people, well at least people
I know. But hey, enjoy the story.
Feedback: Sure.
::What do you do? when you know something's bad for you and you still can't let go:::
I was always the bitch, I know that. The badass, the one with no feelings, the one just out for a good fuck. I don't know how much of that I made her believe and how much other people made her believe. Either way, thats how she sees me. Everytime she feels a little lonely in the bed, with only Dawn in the house, she calls me up, invites me over. I know what she wants, a quick, well not quick romp in the bed, sex that gets her panting and hotter than any girl I've been with, fuck it makes me hotter than ever before just to hear her. And then as soon as it's done, she either lets me stay with her, but with hardly a cuddle, but usually she makes up some reason I can't stay, and I walk home, alone.
::I was naive, your love was like candy artificially sweet, I was deceived by the wrapping, Got caught in your web and I learned how to bleed I was prey in your bed and devoured completely::
The first time I was estatic, it just sorta happened, we had been hanging out, listening to music, drinking a couple glasses of wine. We were at my place actually. She asked to borrow a shirt to sleep in.
"Can I borrow something to sleep in?"
"What will you give me for it?" I asked slyly.
"A big kiss," she teased.
"Well of course then," I tossed her a shirt, she slipped hers off and pulled mine on, then walked over stopping inches from me.
"Ready for that kiss?" She asked, I turned away.
"No."
"Aww, come on, why?" She smiled innocently.
"If you kiss me, I want it to be cause you like me, not cause I gave you a shirt." She gave me a peck on the cheek then.
"Faith, I'm attracted to you, I have been for a while, I just didn't, I didn't want people to know, to judge me for it." I hate that word judge, it always seems to be sucha useful excuse. But still I didn't notice it then.
"No one would care B, look at Red and Tara," I pointed out.
"I know it's just different, but I do like you. You want to kiss now?"
"No."
"Good idea, let's wait till it's special," she decided. I couldn't help it I kissed her right then, chills chasing down my spine, running around my hips and resting in my stomach.
"You're a good kisser," she said later getting another glass of wine, I just smiled and shrugged. I was happier than I had been since before my watcher died.
::And it hurts my soul cause I can't let go all these walls are cavin in I can't stop my sufferin' I hate to show that I've lost control cause I I keep going right back to the one thing that I need to walk away from::
Nothing else happened that first night, but a couple nights later we were hanging with the old gang at her house, flirting a little all night, but not much, and if I ever tried to get too close to her she would sorta push me away, but I just figured she was still nervous about it all, when it was just Tara and Willow left, they sat on the couch and we sat on the loveseat, a blanket over us holding hands. It was stupid but it felt good. After they left we went upstairs, she slide in a cd, and while she changed for bed danced around a little doing a damn fine immpression of Britney Spears. Finally she settled on the bed pushing me down crawling on top kissing me deeply.
::I need to get away from ya, need to walk away from ya get away walk away, walk away::
A knock on the door had her off me and halfway across the room, pulling her rumpled shirt back down. I just laughed, not realizing the sign that that was.
"Yes?" she opened the door, Dawn peaked through.
"Hi Faith," she smiled, I smiled back waving a little.
"Dawnie, it's late, what's up?" Buffy asked patiently.
"I just wanted you to turn down the music, it woke me up."
"Sorry, I'll turn it off, night," she shut the door leaning on it and laughing nervously. She switched off the stereo, and turned the lock on the door, again she was on top of me, almost as fast as she had jumped off. After a few seconds she reached over switching off the light. At first I tried to tell her no, as her hands traveled downward.
"I don't think we need to do that tonight," I whispered, pulling her hands back up.
"Sure, whatever you want." But after an hour or so of everything else but that, my resolve faded, and I was kissing downwards, lead by her panting and moaning for more.
::I should have known that I was used for amusement couldn't see through the smoke, it was all an illusion now I've been lickin my wounds, but the venom seeps deeper we both can seduce but darlin you hold me prisoner::
After it was over we lay snuggling for a couple minutes, I whispered in her ear.
"This is where I've wanted to be since five minutes after I met you." She didn't answer, just squeezed my hand. Soon she was asleep.
The next morning we woke up, and with not so much more than a small kiss she sent me on my way, telling me to keep our night to myself. I figured she would tell them eventually. That if I felt like this about her, she must feel the same about me.
::oh I'm about to break I can't stop this ache I'm addicted to your allure and I'm fiendin for a cure every step I take leads to one mistake I keep goin right back to the one thing that I need I'm about to break I can't stop this ache, getting nothing in return what did I do to deserve the pain of this slow burn and everywhere I turn I keep goin right back to the one thing that I need to walk away from::
Here I am three months later, countless night time visits to her room, and still no one knows. Not Dawn, not any of them. She keeps saying she will tell them, but by now I know she won't, I know that I am just a good time to her. No commitment, no fear of rejection. A body, warm as any other, two hands for touching, a mouth for kissing. Every night with her is both the best and worst of my life.
::Everytime I try to grasp for air I am smothered in despair it's never over, over seems I'll never wake from this nightmare I let out a silent prayer let it be over over::
I try to tell her no when she calls. Up until the moment I hear her voice my resolve is solid. I've thought about it, and planned what I will say. Tell her she is killing me like this. I can't handle it, I love her, I need more than this. But then I hear her voice. I know this is it for us, she won't give me any more, and if I ask she will take away this. With the sound of her voice, what we have seems like enough, and the slight chance this might be the night I get more is a thick enough straw to grasp.
::inside I'm screaming, begging, pleading no more::
Doesn't matter what my mind tells me, my body knows what it wants, knows who it needs. I get out of my bed, slip on some clothes, locking the door behind me I head for her house. All the time once again planning that when I see her I will tell her that it has to stop, I deserve more, that she's driving me insane. That's always the plan.
::now what to do, my heart has been bruised, so sad but it's true each beat reminds me of you::
And now she's opening the door, she's smiling and pulling me in, Dawn's asleep upstairs, and again my resolve fades.